No matter what, my children are grown now &, by their actions, make their own decisions. It is agonizingly heart twisting to be estranged yet, there is no choice, I simply must love them from afar. I cannot let it decimate me.
If you push them away hard enough, they might eventually “abandon” you. After decades of snarky disrespect, I could no longer believe that I was loved. I thought she’d be happier without me.
I think for me is as I aged and got healthier I realized there was no stage in my life where my mother seemed happy with me. She was always horrible about some 'behavior' of mine. Then I learned she was just a miserable person and the only thing changing was "What about Elly today is making me so unhappy." I realized I didn't need to be present for her to Scapegoat and blame me for her unhappiness. Better for me and now she has estrangement - more 'bad' behavior from me - to blame it on. Toxic dysfunctional garbage ends up at the curb. Cause and effect.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangementnothing is ever said about parental abuse. I admit my shortcomings, also was juggling a husband with multi addictions. I have learned about this process of estrangement and shocked by the adult children who do not want any part of self accountability. Nobody (decent ) wants their child to suffer. But I see situations where the kid took the ball and ran with it, giving themselves the easy way out. I love my daughter but don't want to be a doormat either.
I was so happy to be on my own as a college student. As a young adult I loved having my own house and family. I tried for about 25y as an adult to have a relationship w my parents. I wanted them to be proud of me. I finally realized they’re chaotic selfish people and honestly they made my childhood very sad. As an adult I was always sad whenever I interacted with them. I’m not deliberately no contact. I just don’t make the effort anymore. I love my husband, kids and grandkids and they love me. Do I wish I had parents like me? Sure. Do I wish my kids had grandparents like my husband and I? Sure. But it is what it is and they are who they are.
My favorite (not) was my dad telling everyone he was a loving, involved parent. He was the opposite. As Dr Seuss said “oh, the stories I could tell.” He was a good grandfather but I learned to late that when I wasn’t around he told inappropriate stories about his wild misspent 20’s, 30, and 40’s. He definitely didn’t impart good values. It seems every time I work through a betrayal by his behavior, I learn of another thing he did. One rocked my self-identity. It was extremely difficult. Its sad that his legacy is one of abuse, neglect and narcissism.
@@hasinahmasud3808 Nope. My kids are adults with kids of their own. They love me. My grandkids love me. I’m in their lives on the daily, helping where I can. Did we make mistakes as a parents? Of course. We’re human. But there are mistakes and there’s my parents’ style of parenting. No comparison.
@@hasinahmasud3808 That’s probably true for some people. I’m not sure what kind of bad communication looks like hate on the surface but people are people and everyone is different. For me my parents were objectively pretty awful. Having now been a parent and grandparent I consider myself a fair judge. Even now I haven’t cut off communication. I just don’t make the effort anymore because it was like punching myself in the face. I have the same phone, email and address that I’ve been communicating with them all these years. Ball is in their court. I’m enjoying my family without the intermittent clobberings 🤷♀️
My mom was never emotionally present and always had fun with everyone else but me. She also made me feel responsible for my sisters and raised me so independent that I have very little empathy towards others. I feel stress when I am around her and feel that my relationship with her is toxic and fake. I walked away from her and didnt look back and frontally feel peace.
How mature of you. Take the life she gave you and run with it. Yet your miserable. You explain how SHE effects you from an action she didn't supply you. So you leave yourself motherless. There's the void your missing. Thats not the way it should be. How acknowledge as an adult your saying she was not, her pain and come together agreeing to make a solution as you both try to understand one another without harmful words or actions. Be mindful that your related and can benefit from a loving relationship. Rome wasn't built in a day nor are any relationships. Successful living trusting loyal relationships come from intentional efforts towards another. Meaning you consider both sides of a stance. Knowing one another and accepting differences. We ALL have differences bc we all perceive things differently. Thats what makes us unique. Appreciate that. Otherwise the argument would be your copying off me your copying all I do. No. Its just your too much alike. No one wants that either. You get what you put in to it!! Building blocks. No one is perfect. Make things possible
Good for you. These women are in complete denial. A bunch of narcs who cannot accept the fact that their adult children made the choice to love themselves enough to let go of the hate.
Here's another reason. My father refuses to stop being abusive and disrespectful. So it doesn't matter how many times I forgive him because he won't stop. I shouldn't have to continue forever taking his disrespect, abuse, lack of empathy, meanness, etc. At some point, enough is enough.
My father was the same. When I set boundaries on his behavior, he crossed the line time and again. I refused to ever respond to him. I was so relieved when he died. I no longer have to hear his voice again. He was an emotional vampire.
I graduated college in engineering and my dad just spectated. Everyone congratulated me but not my dad in particular. I expected a congratulations from him but he didn’t. Then he’s talking down to me for not getting a job yet.
I am the father of two incredible women, my cherished daughters, both of whom are now in their mid-30s. They made the heart-wrenching choice to distance themselves from me due to my absence during their teenage years. Over the years, I've extended countless apologies and shed numerous tears, yet they have not reached out to wish me a Happy Birthday, acknowledge Father's Day, or connect during major holidays. Consequently, earlier this year, after significant reflection, I made the challenging decision to unfriend them on social media. The constant reminders and the inability to communicate had become overwhelmingly distressing. With the support and advice of many friends and family, I have decided to heed their counsel and shift my focus towards living my own life.
Hi Mark Anthony: Thank you for sharing here. I certainly understand your actions and am grateful that you continue to be supported by your many friends and family.
Good. What goes around comes around, and unfortunately if you were absent to them when they needed it then they will be absent for you eventually. You can only wait for them to reach out. Seems like you pushed them further away by begging and wheedling. You deserve your own healing but YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED to them being in your life.
How about being criticized and told that you are a loser (with nothing to substantiate it) your whole life? My mother's greatest joy was to hurt me. It made her feel powerful.
One always sees what’s wrong in others but once you dare to look within yourself then you would really understand…. May be your behavior was toxic and reckless??
My mother was a Narcissistic sociopath and used to talk to me about self-ending and how it might solve your problems but it left such hurt to those left behind. There was a weirdness in her eye that made me feel like she wanted me to do it. I was bullied everywhere while she watched on and I realized the goal was to get me to 'hurt' her that way. As you said, the power and 'fix' they get out of the intentional infliction of emotional distress/confusion. That all ended when I watched her reaction to the death of a teenaged child of a co-worker of my Dad. My mom seemed genuinely jealous of all the attention this woman was getting over the loss of her 17 year old daughter. Healthy people do not make something like that about them and after therapy those types of things just jump out as dysfunction. It's like, "OMG Look at all that attention she's getting! Why can't I have that happen to me!?!?" Me - "Mom. I'm standing right here." Yes - like the only thing holding that attention back from her is me not being dead. No one would suppose she'd consider my Golden sister for that job so I knew who needed to go. And this is why you're called a Scapegoat and deep down the goat knows.
@@rajendrakotturi4327 Alternate theory - this person had an abusive parent who never found an ounce of good in their child and took pleasure in stomping their spirit and then blamed the child and their 'badness' to mask the abuse that was being dealt... Like you just did.
I am 60 years old and was a latchkey neglect child and sustained nothing but physical, mental and emotional abuse from my parents and my dad died at 16. I was thrown out at 19 and still today, my mother never calls or does anything. She doesn't actually talk to me and I tried for years to have a relationship with her. It caused a horrible jealousy relationship with my siblings and I was very rejected by the family and scapegoated. I've never been invited to their gatherings and celebrations. I had to cut ties because of their toxic behavior. I still give money to my mother on holidays and birthdays and I'm literally the only successful person in the family. I had to go no contact for my own emotional health. I recently had one of my nieces who is 23 years old call me saying she wants to leave the family too because her mother (my sister) mistreats her but I didn't really advise her other than to let her know she's and adult and if she is financially prepared to take care of herself, she doesn't have to live with her mother if the environment is unsafe. I'm so at peace and don't regret my decision
Congratulations on successfully surviving a miserable situation. Life is too short to put up with mean, cruel emotionally and mentally unstable people. You deserve a happy life, free of chaos. I wish you the best.
My daighter and granddaughter have walked out for the third and last time. I am embracing the freedom of being away from the negativity and the blame game. Walk away if you want, but expect nothing from my estate when I'm gone.
Thats a relief to know to be honest. After five years estrangement my adult child wants nothing from me so i will have to respect her wishes and not leave her my estate. It breaks my heart. @@Sizzle_74
As the child of a narcissistic and very abusive controlling father, I have learned over the years that it is OK to distance. Moved out when I was 17 and now as a 47 year old I can clearly say that it was best for my own mental health... as well as the well being of my own family - child.
I survived my childhood. At the age of 23, I cut my Mother out of my life. It was the best decision I ever made. Decades later, I'm only now learning the vocabulary (from RUclips) to describe what was done to me.
I should have cut mine off sooner but was so codependant. So now my daughter was fed a steady diet that would turn her against me. It's made for tv stuff.
@@grogweedwalker I might not have cut mine out of my life if I hadn't had the help of another person. My Chiropractor understood the conundrum. He helped me compose a letter to my Mother, one that was carefully worded so that it wouldn't make matters worse for me. I ended my short letter by saying that I would see her in the "new system". Mailing that letter was a huge decision and gave me huge relief. I hope you will be able to get free from your current entrapment.
@@hasinahmasud3808you sound abusive. I hope your children have escaped far away from you. My God you probably tortured them mentally. Invalidating a stranger... Imagine what you do to your children.
I hate to say it but having children is overrated. I know women who were on fertility medication for years just to be parents. Now, they hardly, if ever, spend any time with their adult children. And, when they do spend time with their adult children, there is always an argument about something.
As an estranged parent, the way I found peace is through my belief in G-D. He has told me that my grown children are not mine and I don’t need to worry about them anymore. He showed me the beauty of life and opened many doors I didn’t think were possible for me… I enjoy other people’s children, and nieces nephews’s children who are eager that I’ll be part of their lives. I learned that this was an enormous opportunity for growth. I’m filled with gratitude.
A parenting "style" that doesnt include expression of love is NOT a parenting style! It's actually abusive to the emotional wellbeing of a young life. It is a parental mental illness and indicative they should never have had a child.
A parent can apologize all they want. After a while, they usually go back to the same thing they apologized for… it’s a bandaid, and they don’t understand why “they” have to keep apologizing. So plz don’t think an apology along, or even several times, will fix things.
What parents don't do is apologize. They SAY they did but any apology they offer is, as you said, a bandaid. They almost all claim they did apologize for "anything and everything" but ask them the question, "What specifically did you apologize for?" and you'll get anger and or silence. They don't say things like, "I'm sorry I hit you. I was an adult and you were a child and that was wrong." or "I'm sorry I kept dropping you off at gran and grandad's even tho you begged me not to. I should have known there was a reason and taken action against abuse happening there." etc. They want to ACT like they have apologized so to make their victim errr off-spring seem unreasonable. I mean, who doesn't forgive a sincere apology? My answer is - "People who haven't received one."
Apologies are Step 1. Then you have to change your behavior. You have to acknowledge that your child is in pain. You have to have a plan for no further abuse. (This is rare because the abuse is the whole point. If they really love, they really behave in a loving manner.) I never got an apology because they did things on purpose.
Will the offer of money shut you up about it? Perhaps a fee schedule for accepting apologies for various degrees of wrongs? These are cynical rhetorical questions.
My family was very close, my son married a woman whom felt threatened no matter how well we welcomed her, I believe she pressured my son to estrange the family, been 9 yrs now, still heartbreaking to all of us, we don’t understand. Been researching and now realize we aren’t the only ones. Decided to take care of me, was on death’s doorstep, not ready for that. Let it go to God, am now on road to recovery and trying to live again.
I’m so sorry.😢My dad became estranged from me when he remarried a narcissist after my mom died.(I’m the only daughter) He died 4 months ago and I feel like he already died 7 years ago. I have forgiven him Praying for your healing. It is agonizing to deal with; knowing you can’t change a person. It’s not your fault❤
My mother-n- law felt the same way about me but my wife mother is such a pathological liar, very manipulative and trying to control her my wife every move..She is also is delusional liar, she creates lies out of head...my wife discovered more of her mom behavior before she even met me, so my understanding of knowing who she was as a person, Not healthy at all..
Same thing here- it's all in the hands of my daughter in law whose the devil. It's going on 1 1/2 years I'm done. I've done everything I could to get him back just to see us and bring my grandchild, now it's up to him.
Spouses who have their own baggage can come in & cause all kinds of heartaches if they're not healthy. Of course, they'll influence other family members. So many families also have addicts know they're that are like a bomb & can create so much strife where there was once Peace. It's sad & wearing...especially if on e tries to "keep the peace"...but it's like the fly in the ointment. A clean glass of water can get ruined by only a few drops of poison.
This is the situation that my son is in right now. We were estranged for a few months. But,We aren’t anymore. I had to come to terms with that’s who he is with but I will not let her keep him separated from our family. And he realized that as well. GOD is good!
This was SO comprehensive and validating. I’m working hard to improve my communication and let my children have their space. I’ve been too close to the point of enmeshment.
❤thanks I’m somewhat going through this now ( just found out how they really feel today) and I’m struggling my heart is broken I try to be supportive but I guess it’s too much. This is tough
Thank you!!! Adult children are grown and need space to live their lives!!!! A smothering and suffocating parent is emotionally draining and a burden to already stressed out adult grown kids!! Demanding your kid's times!! Policing their times and schedules smfh
@@hasinahmasud3808 I didn't see anything from her about getting revenge but I heard a lot of nasty out of you. Honestly most of us get along just fine without parents who gave us the mental and physical abuse and that is exactly what she is talking about. Maybe if the parents had not been so hateful when their children were young they would still have that relationship now. But lets be clear here. It's not about being vindictive, it's about ending the toxic abuse with us and moving on. Some people can not be along for that ride. Not all parents are a blessing. A hell of a lot of you were monsters and a curse.
@hasinahmasud3808 Oh my goodness. I suspect your children do not speak to you & if your post is any reflection as to your state of mind, it's easy to see why! I commend your children for staying away, you have a toxic and nasty heart. Good grief. 🙄
@djotchuiangela9955 lol 😂 😂😂😂😂 you don’t have a clue. You are talking about your own parents. My children are mixed up with the Jehovah’s Witness cult and they teach them to shun family members who are non Jehovah’s Witness. Go educate yourself about the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I don’t pay attention to foolishness and ignorance. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
The fact that we, adult children are watching these videos and we trying to understand parents says it all. I watched multiple videos about that topic for parents and it amazes me how most parents in the comments are blaming their children that the children are disrecpecting them, and that the children are narcissistic and bad, and now parents are playing the victim role. You never see the comment that they are sorry how they treated their children when we lived at home with them. It's obvious that parents are in power in house and if they treat you like a slave or don't have basic respect for another human, don't accept us, listen to us - we stop talking, because we tried multiple times talk to parents before. Finally we cut off, and suddenly we are the bad one and they are victims. It's just a manipulation. Lately, I've been thinking about contacting my parents by email, but after rereading old emails from them, remembering things from the past, and writing them down, I find myself thinking about not doing so. I wish I had supportive peacful family/childhood. They don't know how hard it is to maintain the mental health.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. I’m sorry you didn’t have a supportive peaceful family/childhood. I think you made many important points. What I find troubling in many cases is how so many people paint each other with a broad brush. There’s exceptions and outliers where the generalizations don’t apply. On the other hand, what you notice is a valid observation. I think there’s a case to be made that it’s possible for parents and adult children to be out of touch with their family members.
This is the first video I've watched that encompasses ALL the possible reasons why an adult child cuts off their parents, and I am so grateful that it included some aspects of my situation.
It finally added up why my son had not spoken to me since 2019. Found out his wife is narcissistic from a troubled childhood. Looking back it all makes sense now. Nothing I can do to fix that.
I cannot believe that therapists think it’s ok to listen to a one-sided story, especially when it might be heavily interlaced with untruths and misperceptions, and then think it is “ok for a therapist to suggest cutting off”. This “advice” is so incredibly damaging to entire families. The number of “adult children” in this country that are being coached that disrespect and entitlement are an option is completely disgusting.
Thank you for this video! It is very hurtful that my youngest daughter treats me like Im someone she just met. When she celebrated her 21st Birthday without me, I was devastated. When she only FaceTimed me for my 50th Birthday, I was devastated. My oldest two kids talks to me. My youngest daughter and I only talk maybe every 3-4 months. I am truly heartbroken by this. Your video has helped me tremendously! Thank you!
Whatever happened in the past, apologize, just love them, let go of expectations, guilt, etc…& BE the change! How I changed was meditation & learning to heal & love myself. They’ll either notice & learn from you & feel relief, joy or maybe peace, or not. Either way we just love them. After all, that’s why we’re all here. 💖
How about 11 reasons a parent goes no contact with their adult child(ren)!! They play gaslighting games with you! Making you a scapegoat! My heart is to build our relationship and not tear it down! Every time they spew out false accusations it puts me in a downward spiral!! I need to remain strong!
If the accusations are false and cause that much distress are you really very emotionally stable? Or is the problem the 'accusations' aren't false and being confronted by your actions/choices and behavior creates unbearable shame to you? Instead of remaining strong (I'm guessing that's code for staying in denial) perhaps listening, addressing and accepting reality will be a path to healing and less downward spirals...
@@anonymouswitness3835 Do you know that Scapegoat abuse survivors are constantly accused of doing what the abuser themselves or the Golden child is doing? And because as a Scapegoat child you are under the control of an abuser adult they will even PUNISH you for the things you didn't do. That's against a child and I lived that so yes... I understand false allegations suck. Is it crappy as an adult when you are falsely accused and have to hear those horrible 'lies'? Sure. But if you in your mature adult mind it's causing undo distress then you need to see a therapist because that sounds more like guilt at being confronted with truth and not by a false accusation.
@@ellyk8834 I am not undermining the experiences of abused or accused children. It's just that we cannot tell from a RUclips comment what the situation is -- whether they are experiencing guilt due to true accusations or distress due to false accusations. It's impossible to know, so it feels unfair to immediately jump to "maybe you really did do those things" when a person is just sharing their experience. I have encountered many different situations -- I have met children who experienced abuse and scapegoating from their parents. But I have also met parents who were separated from their children due to false accusations. I have met parents whose memory is skewed because they don't want to face the truth. But I have also met children whose memory is skewed because of unrelated trauma. So that you understand my perspective and where I'm coming from, I experienced accusation and blame not from a parent or a child, but from a sibling and a toxic friend, so I speak neither as an abused child nor an estranged parent. I only know that I can't know someone else's experience from one comment, and it feels intrusive to jump to the worst conclusion. I know that I would feel really horrible if I shared my experience with my abusive sister and someone said that actually everything my sister said was true, and that I must be in the wrong if I was hurt and destabilized by what she said and did.
@@ellyk8834 I am not undermining the experiences of abused and scapegoated children. We cannot know what this person's situation is from a RUclips comment, and it's unfair to jump to the conclusion that they must have actually done something wrong when they were just sharing their experience. My perspective is neither that of an abused child nor an estranged parent, but I have been falsely accused of things by my abusive sibling, and also, later, by a toxic friend. It would feel really really horrible if I talked about how bad that made me feel, and then somebody said, "if you feel hurt and destabilized by that, maybe you DID do what they said you did." This person's experience is not an attack on your experience. The fact that some parents have been falsely accused by their children does not erase the fact that you and other abused children were accused and blamed by your parents. We cannot know this person's life and assume that they are in denial.
Parenting is the hardest job, my 2 sons don't want children and good for them, I certainly don't want them having kids just to make me a grandmother, I love and respect their choices. My heart goes out for children and parents going through emotional painful relationships 😢
You can't change anyone but yourself. After years of trying, realized I was only going in circles of pain, hurt and being in toxicity. Life is now happy, joyous and have friends who are like family. It's difficult to leave the circle of the past relationships but honestly more difficult to stay there in that negativity. I wouldn't trade today for yesterday for anything. God bless you.
These adult children's story is not totally written yet. They better hope their kids do not turn on them. They will have a rude sad awakening. What goes around comes around. Beware you self righteous adult children!!!
So you are wishing the horrible living bereavement from estrangement on other people. Gosh that sounds really nasty. And many estranged due to abuse adults report their parent was uncaring, unempathetic and actually liked seeing their child hurt. And here you are wishing hurt on other people. Beware yourself exposing how you really are...
I hope you therapists are happy with yourselves. My daughter 57 and I talked on the phone for an hour 3 times a week. She had one session of therapy and now doesn't speak to me.
I really appreciate your videos…They make me feel much less alone. I haven’t spoken to my parents for almost four years, and it has been really difficult but necessary for my mental health.
I haven't spoken to my family since 2018. I couldn't be married and have them in my life. I chose my husband and kids. I often ask myself if I did the right thing. I did. I understand. ♥️
@@ginac895So why cut off grandkids from grandparents? You may very well be cutting off your parents from being wonderful grandparents! So many wounds can and do heal when grandparents can makeup for their mistakes by being truly wonderful grandparents!
@@livinglife4835 not what happened in my case, I’ve apologized to my adult son’s repeatedly for allowing my mother in their lives, they now have emotional scars from her too, please don’t question someone keeping their kids from anyone who is already known to be toxic regardless of who they are, you are requesting for the grandchildren to have scars too, shameful
I have been shocked into oblivion this month by my only child 31 yr old daughter. She has always been the most spoiled person alive. Now all of a sudden after she's been with these idiot friends who took her to this therapist? All of a sudden I'm a narcissistic abusive mom. I've read all of this crap on here now fir a week. You grown women who encourage this crap will live to reapbwhat you sow. My daughter doesn't have to worry about keeping up with this trend. I see it's a popular thing they are all doing. Plus it keeps them from having to worry about being there for us as we age. No worries. I woukd never have lived with her in a million yrs. She can do her Grey rocking. No contact. What ever else the hell she wants to do. But here's the thing she isn't considering. My will is getting changed to be in step with her new found joy of treating her parents worse than dirt. I sure as hell wouldn't want to ever bother her with properties money. Jewelry. Omg. The horror. If you parents can't see this is a trend all these 30to 50 yr Olds are doing. You need to smarten up. The first thing I did when she had this raging fit on me right after we came back from her birthday dinner , , No less was to think what the hell?? So I Googled adult children disrespecting older parents. Jackpot. How many thousands of these idiot things popped up. 2nd thing I did was go look at her Facebook page to see what ungodly influences she was associating with. And there SHE WAS. THIS little trashy gal she has started working with. All of this crap was coming from her.. abused by parents, therapists who they quote like these people actually know anything.. it was SO my daughter. She is like a camellion. Who ever she's around thats how she behaves. Ok. Just trying to save some of you moms from this vast stupidity . Trust me. When you cut them off right back it won't seem so FUN anymore. I've HAD IT
@@nicolawyatt2837 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how painful it is. Feels like bereavement and worse. I agree with you, it seems that they need an escape goat to hang their must have ‘trauma’ on. Sadly this generation has no respect for parents ( not all). It’s so heartbreaking.
Yes it's like all these younger people and even up to 50 yrs old need to fit in with whatever the latest trend is on social media. Seems they think turning on their parents is a game. It's so unbelievable. I had my daughter at 39. I was unable to have children until then . I was so happy to finally have a child and a daughter at that. I doted on her along with my husband, my parents and my brother and his 3 kids who were all on their teens when she came along. She was given everything and put upon a pedestal. So why she's doing this, its a lie but she is running with people who are from bad families and she is trying to do what they do although she knows it isn't true. I turned 70 yesterday on mothers day. Didn't even get a text from her. It's like I'm in a bad dream. The only help I can get is to look to Jesus and I know he will help me thru. And praying everyday for her soul
Same it hurts she is 22 did not call me for Mother’s Day iam broken having panic attacks iam isolated she was my life now iam alone what was the point of raising a child for so long and be discarded it hard breaking it’s horrible terrifying
Maybe treat them like another person/human and have basic respect first? if you act like you are The PARENT(KING/Dictator/Tyrant), they will feel it and can't build trust or normal connection that way. Your attitude says it all.
How about when a parent cuts ties with an adult child? Toxicity isn't only due to a parent. Psychology would like adult children to believe that though.
True. Toxic parents often have toxic children they need to stay away from. I've seen it in my own family. In my experiences there is either a toxic parent that got walked away from by a healthier adult (their child) or there is a toxic parent AND their off-spring is toxic as well. These things predominately originate with who reached adult age first...
@ellyk8834 This is what I'm talking about. You just added "toxic" to "parent" in both cases. How about tempering your use of the word "toxic" in the first place? How many good parents have had that word attached to them because they were strict? In a world gone crazy, any parenting that includes discipline is described as toxic! How dumb do you have to be to lump the two together? And how many families have been destroyed because psychologists convinced young adults that their parents were "toxic"? Young adults who just graduated childhood 5 minutes ago do not understand the value of parental discipline. But all it takes is some educated psychologist to validate their teenage-minded complaints, and they'll cut their parents out of their lives for the next 20 years! This is what you're proud of? You should be ashamed. The damage done to good families is astronomical!
Yes, now that my toxic child has removed themselves, I have peace. The relationship was overwhelming and boundaries should of been set years ago. For instance...do unto others as they do unto you.
Thank you for mentioning therapists bc I was one and am estranged. I never told a client to walk away from a parent. You go by what the client tells you.
My son went no contact and we didn’t realize it. -this is VERY recent. We thought he was busy, med school. I suspected something was up. I will live with this. It stings, but I will live with it. He took the time to let my husband know. Hubby not taking it well at all. They were just together in May. I am so grateful for this community. I’m ok. Not sure how to support hubby. Son only speaks to my mom. Has cut off everyone, sibling, cousins, aunts, uncles, other grandparents. I respect his choice. I don’t have to like it. Sorry for the rambling.
Since my son has moved in with his father and step mother I have bern completely cut out of his life. He doesnt even respond to my messages. This is the first year I havent gotten to celebrate his birthday with him. I have to learn to accept that I will never spend another holiday with him as he has a new family and I am just not part of it.
My daughter after 40 years of her biological father and my divorce doesn't understand that I hate her dad (who was always drunk and spent his paycheck the day he got paid!! I worked and paid ALL the bills. Clothes food and his beer!! Yes!! So he would shut up and go to sleep. And she hates me for that! No. I'm done. She can go live with her alchi dad. They're the same.
Sounds like you could never do enough, so they're right, you're not good enough, she wants to visit, be polite, won't acknowledge your sacrifices, at least she's alive and safe, women are martyrs, imagine where they'd of been without you!
You’re codependent, which is also an addiction. No one respects enablers, and they shouldn’t. Get help for your codependency and she may come back. If she doesn’t then at least you will feel better about taking care of you instead of everyone else.
Our children were almost 50 years old and they just disappeared from my life once my husband left and filed for divorce. He died suddenly before the divorce was final. Talk about trauma for us all. They were not there for me as I was recovering from all the shocks. I suppose they were dealing with their own trauma. It has now been almost five years. Still we are estranged.
@@bford6644 thank you. The Bible tells me God is a god of love and He has purpose in all that He allows to touch our lives. Rom 8:28 I love and trust my heavenly father.
@@glendacastillo6504 that was God's grace, protection, and provision. A divorce would have meant poverty. As it is I have a VA pension. I am not glad my children's father is dead, but I am so grateful for God's intervention.
The first reason is why my oldest cut me off. I'm not saying I was perfect, but she and her sister were/are my world. Everything I did was with them in mind. From the beginning I was determined to give them the affection that I didn't have from my own mother (not my mom's fault, she has always dealt with major mental health issues).
The problem is that most parents in the comments confuse being a parent as beging like a king, dictator or tyrant. That's why they never apologize for their own actions/words. Child usually expects from parents: love, acceptance, support, believing, peace at home, etc. Child can't start a positive communication if parents attitude is like tyrant - don't listen, don't try to understand, deny everything what child think, etc. It will never be a healthy communication if one side is a tyrant. I think it's the basic psychology for all kind of relationship.
Wow! Excellent, consise, cleanly delivered helpful content for parents who love and want a healthy, respectful relationship with their adult child(ren.) This video, along with your Stages of Child Estrangement Grief are treasures! Thank you for addressing this heart-shattering problem.
My sister is a toxic narcissist who abused her family. She then divorced her husband, forced her grown children to abandon their father, and then family on both sides of their families. Both children have gotten married, had children and the only person in their lives from their father or mother’s family was my sister. We are better off without her, but her children will suffer having no family. My sister is a monster and has been an abusive person since she was a child.
Therapists don’t jump straight to “cut them off”. Usually they go over boundaries and books to read, they talk about “grey rocking”, things like that. If u are worried about a therapist taking ur adult kid away, ask if u can go to therapy with them. Tell them u will go because u don’t want this. Promise to familiarize urself with boundaries etc. U DO have choices. Most of the time u are not helpless, therapists are not the bad guys, and ur kids aren’t making this up.
These people need to fix the relationships they have with themselves before they can understand why their relationship with their off-spring is broken. They want to deny that which is why they end up estranged. You're trying to get them acting healthy without addressing why they were behaving unhealthy in the first place and doing that while using their child as a distraction is unlikely to have long term success.
Therapists only get one side of story causing a person to be encouraged to remove themselves from the parent. Before the therapist does this perhaps that Dr should have a session with the parent.
I appreciate the straightforward way you present this information. In terms of the "trendiness" of family estrangement or blaming parents, I think it's more about normalizing. Compare this to divorce. In years past, it was expected that you remain married to someone, no matter how unhappy the marriage became. It wasn't socially acceptable to leave a marriage except in cases of extreme abuse (and sometimes not even then). Now people divorce simply because they no longer feel in love or have grown apart. I think in the past, it was expected that children remain in relationship with and devoted to their parents even when the relationship was harmful. Our society is moving away from that norm, and now it's acceptable to end a relationship with a family member when it is unpleasant.
@@lyndachaufty4716 yes it seems so, it's actually creating an inability to talk things like misunderstandings, upsets, hurt feelings through, it's cut off and shut out, which is not a healthy way to deal with things that occur with people you are close to/love.
My parents split when I was 2. I spent my life ping ponging between them, usually 2k miles at a time. At 42, it’s hard to have relationships with either of them. I realized, I’m still the reminder of the failed relationship, and therefore, neither is ever going to open up and be honest and real with me. I thought as an adult, we’d get along better, but it really just becomes more difficult for me to get along with them, as they’re so stiff and pretentious with me. Hmm, thanks for the session, I’m feeling much better now.
I just don’t understand this whole situation. I thought I was the only one going through this. I’m not perfect nor were my parents and I made mistakes, that is life. I also reached out and sought therapy and attended many parenting classes because my parents and grandparents raised me with the generation trauma that they experienced. I still would never cut them out of my life but did have boundaries. Maybe I didn’t visit as often or for a shorter period of time. Some empathy and compassion. Everything wasn’t horrible all the time but I did experience many hurtful moments. I grew to realize that although I couldn’t have the loving connection I needed, I could still have a relationship with them because they are human and it is not up to me to be judging, God takes care of that. However to be having to walk on eggshells and be accepting all the blame isn’t how it should go. I don’t even know what the problem is with two of them. Life is so short and if you don’t make peace with family before they pass it will eat you up alive. It takes so little energy to be kind and loving and so much energy to be mean and spiteful. I would love to have a new relationship with them but they won’t communicate what the problem is and have no interest to have me in their children or their lives. The hurt has led me to think at one point of ending my life. People both make mistakes in all relationships. I don’t understand this.
Enjoy what God can show you. Go back to what you enjoyed in 7th grade or high school. Piano, crafts etc. These kids r spoiled. Imo...a mess w new dtr in law can be hell!!! Yikes!
Only incompetent therapists would suggest or encourage someone to cut off from the only people in the world that has ever truely helped them, loved them and would die for them. As proved over several decades. These therapists should have their licence to practice revoked.
I’m not estranged from my 3 daughters, I got divorced when the youngest was in college. At first they all depended on me for help financially. Now, all in their 30’s, they have their own lives and do what they want. 2 of them have moved to another state. We don’t see each other often, and when we do it’s very short, but fun. They all seem to just do there own thing and I wish there was more contact but I’m trying to accept it. My mom, grandma and I were very close. It baffles me. I don’t put ‘things ‘ on them. To be honest I think many of these kids are just plain selfish.
Not seeing kids often, but having fun and speaking kindly, is not enduring the abuse of the 'cut off.. ' I've had that experience. While its not fun (I call it, going into the History Channel mode) it isn't as cruel as "dont visit anymore", "you're not welcome to share grandkids milestones' and threatening any 3rd party who 'dares' intervene. There is a book about being neutrally neglected called 'Sidelined by Your Adult Children'.
My 40 year old daughter keeps on bringing up childhood stuff. A have apoplogzed many times and have told her that if I knew how she was feeling, I would have done differently. Things are ok for a while but she will start in on this childhood stuff again. I am done apologizing. In fact , when I see a text or call from her, I don't even want to answer the call or open the text. Grow up, girl.
Wow! How do you not see that you're the problem. Phrases like "childhood stuff" and saying, "grow up girl" are just a way of not taking responsibility for you crappy parenting. I hear, leave me alone because I'm not going to except responsibility for what I did and I want you to forget about it and move on so I (you not your child) can feel better.Spoken like a real narc parent.
To fbicontacted7690: I know that my parenting wasn't all that great but that cannot be undone. I have admitted that to her and apologized. I was never just mean to her. And she just divorced her husband and left her children with him.
My son sided with his narcissistic evil step father who was my deceased husband’s best childhood friend. We were together for 16 long hard years where he controlled everything, put me down, called me ever name in the book, threw things at me, punched holes in walls. Once he almost threw a TV on me and our daughter in a fit of rage. The list goes on….. I was widowed at age 35 with 2 sons under 5. For a long time, I was in love with him and worked so hard to make our relationship work. He picked on my younger son relentlessly. When I went to therapy my therapist told me I was in an abusive relationship, I was shocked. I thought it was normal because his treatment of me was similar to how my mother treated me. When I left the narcissist after realizing he was never going to change, he told my oldest son that his birth father may not be his real dad and that I stole his college money. Both a complete lie. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my son. I’m heart broken. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. In 2019, my son shattered his knee and was without health insurance. He would have been disabled for life without surgery which was very expensive and I would do anything for my children. I asked my son to ask his dad to split the surgery with me and he said, “I can’t get involved with that because I pay your mom child support for your sister.” I can’t understand why my son idolizes this evil man who didn’t help one bit when he was injured. I pray one day me and my son heal. I am a kind, gentle loving mom and have beautiful relationships with my daughter and other son.
You’re referring to the behavior of the parents who are being cut off I assume. It’s all over this page. None of them can take accountability for what they did to create the situation and they are all innocent victims. How odd!
I have 5 children. 4 are okay with me and we are close. 1 was very close to me too but something happened two years ago and became nasty, disrespectful and really mean. In his eyes i am an abusive parent. Things went so wrong my mental health went down. I gave an ultimatum, either behave respectfully and contribute to the household (not asking loads of money just a fair contribution) or move out. He chose the last and made clear he wont be in contact with me anymore. I raised them alone. I gave all my love and knowledge to them. I know i made big mistakes and i apologised for them to each of them. Whenever they raise an issue i listen and try better next. I simply have no other idea i have to let him go. I know he is badmouthing about me to people.
Hi, thanks for writing. I hear you saying that you are accepting the consequences of the fair boundary you gave him. He didn't like it and decided to leave. Badmouthing never feels good, and I am sorry this happened to you. He sounds angry at you. I'm guessing.
No 2. Son in law, definitely felt threatened by the close relationship between me and my daughter, so from the day.he came in her life she became a diffirent person. I knew what was.going on from the beginning so I stepped away. I could not allow my daughter to disrespect me and become rude to me so I stepped back. Every time there was a problem between her and her husband she came running back to me, just to go no contact again. I could not allow this, I also had to set my own boundaries. So you either respect me or you stay away.
For every adult child, there's probably a different reason for cutting ties, maybe more reasons than we think possible. I'm not looking for the reason(s). It's the child's reason he/she gives which may not be accurate, but it's their perception just the same. They are entitled to any misperception, and it may be futile to convince them of anything different than what their minds made up as their story or their beliefs. It's rough feeling rejected for something you don't know, and that children are not willing to communicate. Good luck as we try to mend. Everyone needs to heal.
OMG you hit the nail on the head for me , I can’t go into much other than the fact that my son is distant, honestly I have been an exemplary mom, not perfect but pretty great…. But my son has never been the same since his dad walked out on our marriage (I’ve got to say though, his dad stayed in his life and is helpful to him as n many ways, he loves our son, but still damaged was done) my son was incredibly hurt and confused, I tried a few times to take us to counselling but my son at that time was sixteen and absolutely refused…. He is now 21 and gonna away for college , he does call me alright, at least return my calls, he is respectful and I know he loves me. Many times though I feel he’s hurting but he won’t talk about it so I leave him and remind him. I’m always here for him. I think my pain and my hurt is sometimes so deep because I get a sense that he blames me for his world falling apart, but I tried very hard to keep it all together for us, but when someone wants to leave you just can’t make them stay. My son is my only son and sometimes I feel that I lost him and I can’t help but to feel so angry with his dad…… i’ll stop right there, I suppose what I was trying to say is that I agree with what you said I’m sure that somehow I have contributed to his distance from me I just don’t know what it is and I wish that he would be willing to talk about it😢 Thank you guys will uphold each other in prayer and hope for a better tomorrow with our children
I have searched information on this topic, and I hear you say the adult child wants the paret take accountability for what they have done and apologise... But what to do when the child wants you apologising for something you know in your heart never happened. I have always showed my daughter genuin respect and I own my mistakes. But this made my so sad... I don't know what to do. I can't just say something happened and be regretful about it when it hasn't. I'm heartbroken about this, feeling manipulated. At the same time, I love her so much, words can't describe
Hi Kattie: Thank you for writing. Being falsely accused is a whole different category. Just as there are parents who insist they have nothing to apologize for there are those who have been falsely accused and in a horrible spot. Kattie, please do get support, keep moving forward with your life. If your daughter is manipulating you and you know in your heart of hearts you did not do what she accused you of, then it's important to move forward towards acceptance. I know this is terrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Warmly, Marie
I have the same dilemma. There are distortions and re-writings of history and if I just go along and try to apologize, I feel like I'm enabling her distorted thinking, and at great expense to myself. It feels like I'm supposed to own a bunch of lies.
@@lisac8509 thanks Lisa. I have come to that realization over and over, then time passes and I try again and again get repelled. It's so hard to give up on your child. Then again, I guess it's not giving up, it's letting go. Accepting that I am powerless in this situation, unless and until her perceptions and thinking change.
This is all true but they better be financially independent then. My son just told me he doesn’t need a relationship with me, and the joke is this 20 yr old has never made a penny in his whole life! So I kicked him out of the house, changed the locks, and said all my other financial gifts are dependent on his behavior, and those financial gifts consist of college tuition, dorm room, cafeteria, health insurance, new car (I’m on the lease) car insurance, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon prime, allowance…..talk about entitlement! We knew who buttered our bread and we knew to be respectful!
@Owwitsmuggyoutside no but I am generous to my loved ones because I can afford to do so. Nobody owes you shit. So if you are rude to a person that is being generous to you then you have reaped what you've sown when they put their energy in people who are not disrespectful towards them
@Owwitsmuggyoutside what is your point tho? If a person is being disrespectful to me I will end the relationship and take my resources with me. As would any individual with self-esteem and healthy boundaries.
@Owwitsmuggyoutside she is likely angry and hurt. Most people aren't giving financial support to people they hate. If that were the case she would still be financially supporting her son even though he is disrespectful. Adult children are not entitled to financial support and parents of adult children aren't entitled to a relationship. If someone shows me they do not want a relationship with me I will withdraw my energy and resources and put them towards someone who will be there for me the same way I am there for them.
@Owwitsmuggyoutside it seems you don't believe adults are responsible for their own actions. Parents were once children so any issue you have with your parents should be taken up with their parents and their parent's parents until we get to Adam and Eve
My mother held a knife to my throat because I refused to cosign on her second mortgage. This was after a lifetime of financial, emotional, and physical abuse from her. It still took me years after that incident to finally tell her I was done. I realized she was never going to take responsibility for her actions while continuing to actively harm me. I was nearly 35 at the time. It was over 20 years coming. On my 12th birthday, she berated me to tell her whether or not my father had SA'd me until I was in tears. I finally said it out loud after holding it in since my childhood. She hugged me -- she never hugged me, and in that moment, I embraced the hope that things might get better. She held me for a moment, then pushed me away and said, "You SLUT! You asked for it!". She was blaming me for being SA'd when I was 7/8/9 years old. By a man she forced me to ask for money. The man SHE married. There was no more trust after that. She continued to hold that over me like a mark of shame that she could trot out at any time to keep me down. I struggled with guilt for years after going NC with her, but I think it was the right thing to do to save my life. I tried for many years to get her into therapy or at least into yoga. Something. But I failed at that, too. It took me many years to understand that it was not my fault that she was like that.
Thank you for sharing here. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. This must have been so very painful. I hope you have people in your life you know love you and are there for you .
My oldest child has completely disengaged with the occasional text. I feel he is punishing me for a life altering decision I was forced to make for my health and welfare as well as theirs. I separated from their abusive father, my youngest son was 9 at the time and he made it clear he didn’t want his father back, “Mom I don’t ever want him to ever come back here” and we were divorced. He maintains contact and visits his dad. Their relationship has been a work in progress, but I do not believe in slander or teach them to hate. That is a burden that is too much for children to bear, no matter the age. My relationship with my youngest, who is now an adult is a good one. However, his brother has cut me out of his life. He is engaged and I’ve never met her. He currently lives 12 hrs away, we don’t see each other often and that’s ok, I get it. He and his fiancé purchased a home 17.5 hrs away 2 months ago and have not shared this with me. He has chosen to have only 1 parent, his dad, and I don’t see why it has to be that way. Part of the abusive relationship in my marriage was to slander and smear me to everyone and I can’t help but think he is doing that with our oldest son now. That’s a dark place I dare not enter. I am hurt by this and I miss my son, but I can’t control it. I am so grateful for your post, thank you very much for this video, it was very helpful and I feel better.
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside YEP..HAVE NO IDEA WHY?? SEEMS VERY SELFISH TO JUST UO AND WALK AWAY FROM OTHERS . WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING SAID... JUST SAYING SOMETIMES THE NEW WAY OF DOING THINGS IS NOT ALWAYS CORRECT. I HAVE WATCHED PEOPLE GIVE TONS OF LOVE RESPECT AND GIFTS TO BE ABRUPTLY JUST GONE...THE ONES THAT GO NO CONTACT BETTER HOPE THIS DOESNT CIRCLE BACK AROUND WHEN THEY HAVE KIDS... KARMA WONT BE PRETTY
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE GO NO CONTACT WITH VERY LOVING FAMILY MEMBERS . THE FAMILY UNIT IS A MESS.. JUST BC IN CAPS DONT ASSUME IM YELLING..MY EYE ARENT THE BEST THATS WHY...I JUST WISH FAMILYS WOULD COMMUNICATE FIRST I HAVE SEEN WHERE NO ONE COMMUNICATED ANYTHING
Estrangement impacts both parties and sometimes its a decision to have to leave a whle family. Sometimes you can't make an announcement for your own safety. Other times communication was happening for years and somebody just refused to listen. It's not selfish to cut someone off, it's selfish to make being cut off only about how to impacted you.
❤I am so glad I came across this. I can resonate with a lot of what you've said. I am a mom of 2 adult daughters that has recently lost their father (my husband of nearly 40 years). The oldest daughter I have not seen or spoken to since way before Xmas last year 2023. We are all grieving in our own way, unique to only us. She was very close to her father and the pain of his passing must be unbearable, for her, I respect that. She to sees a therapist ( before her father died) I believe, I may be incorrect, that what she has probably discussed with her therapist about me etc. That she has been advised to keep her distance from me, because I suffer with depression and have done so for many years. In view of the grief we are all experiencing and the issues she has with me. I am leaving the door open and keeping a connection via occasional message, to let her know that I respect how she must be feeling, I respect her boundaries, I love her and will be happy to reconnect when she feels she is ready to do so. I cannot do anymore than this, but I am also heartbroken at the loss of my husband and the distance that exists between us at this difficult time. Thankyou once again for helping me see things from a different perspective.
Thank you for sharing here. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It is so difficult to lose the relationship status with our kids. Be compassionate with yourself. I’m glad the video was helpful.
Parents smother their children… it gives them a sense of purpose and value in life because they don’t have any self esteem without the adult child validating them and confirming their love on a daily basis. As parents, it’s YOUR responsibility to take responsibility for YOUR OWN self validation instead of expecting someone else (or your spouse) to do it for you. The baby boomer mothers have a problem with enmeshment!!!
My parents had zero boundaries. They said horrible things to my husband in front of my kids. I know they were shocked I chose my husband. Dahh I love him and our family ❤
Thanks. Very helpful. Adult children are in a different world. They’re independent. They live with their in laws and that’s their world. Their kids in laws. Same thing. They don’t NEED the parent at all.
I was estranged by my adult child 3 and a half years ago. I’ve been to hell and back since then. It’s become a real trend nowadays. All part of the cancel culture unfortunately. People cannot say anything nowadays without the fear of being cut out. I’m 63 so I’ve experienced a bit of life. Most of the parents like me who are normal human beings are being made ill by their own flesh and blood. I trained as a therapist too, but frankly you don’t need to be a therapist to know if you’re a healthy snd stable person. Being human means being flawed. We all are. Everyone. We need to be far more accepting of others snd of ourselves. These young adults will find out after we have long gone, that life is tough and people are not perfect. Social media has given young people a false perspective of life. And they have unrealistic demands in everyone but themselves. I feel sorry for them.
@@valeriehutchinson863 you should be ashamed of yourself for that comment. At 63 years old, and having trained in psychodynamic therapy as well as having a degree (at 40 years of age) in psychology, I can tell you that I am insightful, aware and and extremely emotionally intelligent woman. Our daughter had a very healthy childhood and we were always close. Don’t speculate because it is that very behaviour that causes the most trouble in the world. That was complete projection. Clearly based on your on personal experience.
@@elizabethy2912 That's a Narc line for sure. And, "I'm not a perfect parent and my child wasn't a perfect kid either." And the old, "I said I was sorry for anything that hurt them." or said, "Sorry you feel that way." - if they even said that and call it a real apology that they expect should fix everything like they did before their child became an adult who said "I've had enough of your toxic BS."
There are toxic parents out there. Parents who lie, cheat and steal from their kids. My mother has serious mental health issues that she denies. The theft was real. Her always blaming me for her life failings was too much. Her trying to make me pay for her was too much. I haven't talked to her since 1998 and it was the best thing for me. There is pain for the child when they do this. Lifelong pain. But sometimes it's for the best
Dear @laundrygoddess4 Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you, this must have been so difficult. Overcoming the trauma of toxic parenting is a lifelong process, I hope you are getting support or have had support. I understand how hard this was on you.
Thank you sooo much!! I feel relieved ❤ bcuz my now adult children is all I've really ever had but I now take accountability and respect my adult children not to say I agree with everything or will tolerate any disrespect but I just want you to know you've helped me in a major way GOD BLESS ✨🙌🏾
In my family system, my mother was an alienating force in order to stay at the center to dominate and control. Because I took care of my sisters as an older child, I became a kind of threat to my mother. She was never around and so I became a surrogate parent. This upset my mother and so she began heightening her false negative narrative about me being sick and immoral. She projected every last negative thing she felt about herself onto me -- including being mentally ill. She began a smear campaign of me with my sisters and totally destroyed how they saw me. She used me as an example of what she'd do to them if they didn't cooperate. She also did this to my dad. He died and it took us girls 15 years to get him a headstone we cared so little for him as a result of her alienating us. We were totally brainwashed. She is still highly effective at doing so. I didn't have a mind of my own for years. So was very codependent. Terrified of life. So I allowed her to be around my children. Guess what she did. Yup, continued to dominate and control by smearing me to them. She used my sisters as flying monkeys. Today my daughter has drank the Kool-Aid and treats me like we did our dad. Alienation is serious mental abuse. My younger children have not been exposed to my mother as much. Because of the horrific things my daughter told my younger ones about me -- a narrative that grew in exaggerated facts all the time, they felt terribly hurt and now are mad at her. I encourage them to see her because I certainly do not want to be a part of division. But they felt objectified my son says and used as pawns to my mother. They felt like their older sister abused them with the smear campaign because for a while it confused them about who their mother is. They began to not trust me and rebelled for a while. I have been through years of therapy. I have always allowed my kids to tell me what they have issues with me about. Always. It was important to me because of my own experiences with my mother. Another influence on my daughter is that when I had to leave my ex who was abusive, we left wealth behind. My sisters have wealthy husbands and so she is attracted to what she lost at age 12. Her lifestyle changed when I had to leave. There is loads more, but too much for her. But off can become a family pattern according to Bowen's theory. That means if a child cuts off, it can happen to them also with their kids. Or it can happen to their kids. That is because it has a tendency to preserve rather than resolve the issues. So the next generation adopts them and must deal with them. Even if we are really happy with our kids, what is in our shadows comes out unconsciously. So it is not a decision to be taken lightly. There are vast consequences. It also tends to keep people in a victim's mindset and sometimes emotionally immature. I have experienced my own set of flaws, so I'm not criticizing. Just warning.
At 58 years old, I have connected the "Dots" as being the designated Scapegoat of the Family. My parents and a few other family members have been actively involved in Direct Felony Criminal Harassment towards myself for over 30 Years. I have decided only one outcome for myself therefore the "Irish Goodbye" will prevail in a desperate attempt to live a normal life. Good Luck to All.
It’s ok for children to go no contact with their parents not cutting them any slake but not for parents to do that. I call bullshit. We need to stop stepping softly and just let them go. We were a vessel to bring them here raise them and let them go we owe each other nothing. Life goes on.
@@sinceresong9907 when you have walked in my shoes then come for me. It may be cold but it is Iceland when your grown child decides to go no contact with no explanation giving you an opportunity to work on making things right. I was not a perfect mom, but I was a good mom. I gave, and lovely wanted to because being a mom was the best part of my life, only to be thrown away when I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and haven’t heard a word since that was 9 1/2 years ago. So slip into my shoes and then tell me I’m cold.
@@sinceresong9907 I didn’t mean to be rude to your comment. But I am 9 years no contact this time, I finally had to let her go, the hurt is crippling, affected my health, I went through breast cancer, stage 4, and my mental health was shot. I was at my lowest point and it didn’t matter if I woke up or not, I realized I had to let it go so I could live!when these things happen the child doesn’t know or care to know how it is affecting you, she didn’t even give an explanation. Crazy thing is she lives 15 minutes from me! My hopes for her are that she is happy, thriving and knows I love her no matter what snd I will till I die.
@@terrikaye12114 Listen( my comment was a bit ambiguous...I'm in full support, gone through similar. My heart goes out to you...its your time, rest and recuperate, enjoy the time you have left.
#2 is my situation ..My daughter's , In laws is controlling my daughter , which make her frustrated and take it out on is , now she make her cut ties form us . Nearly 3 years no contact . It hurt so much for us .
My mum is married to the man who molestered me as a child. Never apologised. I’ve always been kind and loving to my mum. But now I’m 40 I just can’t live in such denial.
There is less drama after accepting being cut off. There was starting to be so much drama with the person who initiated the event that started their cut off.
I only want my grown children to visit me...if they WANT to. There's nothing worse than a " forced " visit. My son does come....my daughter not so much. Its been 3 1/2 years since she's been here. She was fine until she moved in with her in-laws. I just hope she never has to feel the hole in her chest if, and when her daughter grows up to follow suit. Praying for sanity in Indianapolis
You parents are selfish. You get to live out your fantasies with your young children now you both get to live in the nightmares you have created for them. Half these people having kids dont even qualify to be parents, but hey its your world we just live in it. You wanted a minnie you that you had full control of, not thay you have lost that control you wanna play victim.
From what I have seen up close, it’s usually selfish kids who resent a world where everything isn’t handed to them. Hold them accountable for anything and they’re out….. triggered and forlorn.
On the issue of money, you presented it as solely being the adult child expecting or feeling entitled to money from the parents. My own experience, and I think the experience of many first or second generation children of immigrants, is that it is the parents who expect to be financially supported by the child despite toxic upbringings (which the parent doesn't usually view as toxic in the first place as maybe that's the culture or how they were raised).
Thank you for your insight. There seems to be an epidemic of adult, educated, successful children who want an early inheritance. No matter how generous you have been it is not enough. Bullying to sell your home and buy what they want, making up stories as to how they were " victimized" by parents who took them as small children on vacations or cultural events, concerts, zoos etc where the parents wanted to go, blaming parents for their college majors when it was 100% paid for by parents and areas of study up to them, making huge issues and abuse accusations over one time events like clean out your messy drawer, I could go on. This actually started when a son in law entered the picture and complained I didnt have enough family photos in my living room like his mom! The complaints are so petty, endless, and now stonewalled, gasliit, and exaggerated to their friends, etc. It has even infected my grand children. Until very recently I continued to send texts on bdays, holidays, etc No replies! This insanity has caused me physical, emotional distress. There is so much more I am ready to cut the chord. My drs have told me this is not unusual. Many thanks.
Hi Cheryl: yes, so much pain and discomfort. I’m going on a few things you wrote here. Is it possible your adult child crossed boundary that weren’t clearly defined? Idk. Just curious
THERE IS NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER FOR CHILDREN TO ABANDON THEIR PARENTS UNLESS THEY WERE HORRIBLY HORRIBLY ABUSED. DISTANCING AND TOTAL ABANDONMENT IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. THERES NO EXCUSE FOR THE WAY MOST CHILDREN TREAT THEIR PARENTS.
I have four grown sons,and we are fine. And we are fine because we don’t suffocate them,and we always encourage them. We have always told them to take the best parts of their childhood,and do better than we did in other areas. We know we weren’t perfect….And we acknowledge that. Strong discipline,hand in hand with encouraging love,and you cannot lose. And P.S. Money is something earned. Not given to buy someone,or to hold over someone’s head for “ POWER”.
Something tells me you were "only a little abusive" defined as more than "a little" by your children. Trust me, they were and are hurt significantly by you.
@@Julia-b9x You're comment screams anger & delusion! How many quack psychiatrists or therapists did it take to plant the belief in your head that you're a true victim? And...to get you to pronounce definitively, that a mere stranger's child has been a victim of narcissistic abuse? From where do you believe that you draw that kind of authority?
I mean, a lot of parents refuse to take accountability and behave as though they are perfect parents who never did anything wrong. This is the case with my parents, who I haven’t spoken to in years. My mother was highly reactive and sometimes violent towards me, she would slap me around and one time even beat me with her fists, and her favorite thing to do was to kick me out and then coerce “forgiveness” out of me before she would allow me to have a roof over my head again. Then she put me in a shed in the backyard with no heat or air and no plumbing and would lock the door on the house at night, and acted like that was doing me a favor. I went no contact in 2019 after she demanded I travel across the country to come see her for Thanksgiving. I explained that I would lose my job, as those were blackout dates. It’s like it went through one ear and out the other. What she wanted was more important than my ability to support myself, so I cut her off. I’ve been told that she now posts on FB about how “God has removed people from her table”…girl, I removed myself, God didn’t do that, and it’s quite obvious that she will NEVER wake up and take accountability. Adult children do not just up and cut off parents. There are always reasons. Some of y’all are acting so baffled and innocent, and it’s the same song and dance my parents do.
Hi @auggiet8380 : Thank you for writing and sharing your story here. I am so sorry this happened to you. To your point, some parents do not take responsibility and have accountability for their actions, and then there are many who do. I agree with you that adult children put a lot of thought into removing themselves from the relationship. Do you think if a parent does take accountability and does the work to change, that reconciliation is possible?
I went years with trying to figure out what it was! "It" wasn't until I was in my '50s that I discovered my parents were both narcissists! My mother was especially cruel to me and tried this behavior on my children-- They both separated from her years before I did! It was my daughter who told me that Grandma was a narcissist and I should avoid her! She explained to me that narcissist people do not respond the same way others do. They don't have the ability to see anything as their fault, They play the victim and are master manipulators! Bingo! My parents were not nurturing parents whatsoever! I tried to hold on to what it was they had to offer- abuse manipulation and disrespect! The day I went no contact was the most freeing day of my life! I suppose if you call what they did to me love, then I would rather be alone! If God is as powerful as I know He is, I will put it in His hands! He too has enemies! Living MY best life!
No matter what, my children are grown now &, by their actions, make their own decisions. It is agonizingly heart twisting to be estranged yet, there is no choice, I simply must love them from afar. I cannot let it decimate me.
😢 you’re correct. But it’s a challenge.
No, we must get on with our lives. That is the only useful thing to do.
Thank you for this...x
DIVORCE IS HORRIBLE. And I do believe this is why my kids went against me
@@americafirst6628 same here!!!
If you push them away hard enough, they might eventually “abandon” you.
After decades of snarky disrespect, I could no longer believe that I was loved.
I thought she’d be happier without me.
thank you for sharing here Diana, I am sorry that was your experience with your mom.
I think for me is as I aged and got healthier I realized there was no stage in my life where my mother seemed happy with me. She was always horrible about some 'behavior' of mine. Then I learned she was just a miserable person and the only thing changing was "What about Elly today is making me so unhappy." I realized I didn't need to be present for her to Scapegoat and blame me for her unhappiness. Better for me and now she has estrangement - more 'bad' behavior from me - to blame it on. Toxic dysfunctional garbage ends up at the curb. Cause and effect.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangementnothing is ever said about parental abuse. I admit my shortcomings, also was juggling a husband with multi addictions. I have learned about this process of estrangement and shocked by the adult children who do not want any part of self accountability. Nobody (decent ) wants their child to suffer. But I see situations where the kid took the ball and ran with it, giving themselves the easy way out. I love my daughter but don't want to be a doormat either.
And if adult children are abusive enough they will eventually push their parents away. Parents are troopers and will survive.
Or they might meet a partner who has NPD and insists on the split
I was so happy to be on my own as a college student. As a young adult I loved having my own house and family. I tried for about 25y as an adult to have a relationship w my parents. I wanted them to be proud of me. I finally realized they’re chaotic selfish people and honestly they made my childhood very sad. As an adult I was always sad whenever I interacted with them. I’m not deliberately no contact. I just don’t make the effort anymore. I love my husband, kids and grandkids and they love me. Do I wish I had parents like me? Sure. Do I wish my kids had grandparents like my husband and I? Sure. But it is what it is and they are who they are.
Come back to you later
My favorite (not) was my dad telling everyone he was a loving, involved parent. He was the opposite. As Dr Seuss said “oh, the stories I could tell.” He was a good grandfather but I learned to late that when I wasn’t around he told inappropriate stories about his wild misspent 20’s, 30, and 40’s. He definitely didn’t impart good values. It seems every time I work through a betrayal by his behavior, I learn of another thing he did. One rocked my self-identity. It was extremely difficult. Its sad that his legacy is one of abuse, neglect and narcissism.
@@hasinahmasud3808 Nope. My kids are adults with kids of their own. They love me. My grandkids love me. I’m in their lives on the daily, helping where I can. Did we make mistakes as a parents? Of course. We’re human. But there are mistakes and there’s my parents’ style of parenting. No comparison.
@@hasinahmasud3808 Of course it will! Good grief.
@@hasinahmasud3808 That’s probably true for some people. I’m not sure what kind of bad communication looks like hate on the surface but people are people and everyone is different. For me my parents were objectively pretty awful. Having now been a parent and grandparent I consider myself a fair judge. Even now I haven’t cut off communication. I just don’t make the effort anymore because it was like punching myself in the face. I have the same phone, email and address that I’ve been communicating with them all these years. Ball is in their court. I’m enjoying my family without the intermittent clobberings 🤷♀️
My mom was never emotionally present and always had fun with everyone else but me. She also made me feel responsible for my sisters and raised me so independent that I have very little empathy towards others. I feel stress when I am around her and feel that my relationship with her is toxic and fake. I walked away from her and didnt look back and frontally feel peace.
Remember;
you will always reap what you sow…
How mature of you. Take the life she gave you and run with it. Yet your miserable. You explain how SHE effects you from an action she didn't supply you. So you leave yourself motherless. There's the void your missing. Thats not the way it should be. How acknowledge as an adult your saying she was not, her pain and come together agreeing to make a solution as you both try to understand one another without harmful words or actions. Be mindful that your related and can benefit from a loving relationship. Rome wasn't built in a day nor are any relationships. Successful living trusting loyal relationships come from intentional efforts towards another. Meaning you consider both sides of a stance. Knowing one another and accepting differences. We ALL have differences bc we all perceive things differently. Thats what makes us unique. Appreciate that. Otherwise the argument would be your copying off me your copying all I do. No. Its just your too much alike. No one wants that either. You get what you put in to it!! Building blocks. No one is perfect. Make things possible
Good for you. These women are in complete denial. A bunch of narcs who cannot accept the fact that their adult children made the choice to love themselves enough to let go of the hate.
@@joniangelsrreal6262 yeah, but her mother was the one who sew this
Here's another reason. My father refuses to stop being abusive and disrespectful. So it doesn't matter how many times I forgive him because he won't stop. I shouldn't have to continue forever taking his disrespect, abuse, lack of empathy, meanness, etc. At some point, enough is enough.
My father was the same. When I set boundaries on his behavior, he crossed the line time and again. I refused to ever respond to him. I was so relieved when he died. I no longer have to hear his voice again. He was an emotional vampire.
I graduated college in engineering and my dad just spectated. Everyone congratulated me but not my dad in particular. I expected a congratulations from him but he didn’t. Then he’s talking down to me for not getting a job yet.
I am the father of two incredible women, my cherished daughters, both of whom are now in their mid-30s. They made the heart-wrenching choice to distance themselves from me due to my absence during their teenage years. Over the years, I've extended countless apologies and shed numerous tears, yet they have not reached out to wish me a Happy Birthday, acknowledge Father's Day, or connect during major holidays. Consequently, earlier this year, after significant reflection, I made the challenging decision to unfriend them on social media. The constant reminders and the inability to communicate had become overwhelmingly distressing. With the support and advice of many friends and family, I have decided to heed their counsel and shift my focus towards living my own life.
Hi Mark Anthony: Thank you for sharing here. I certainly understand your actions and am grateful that you continue to be supported by your many friends and family.
Life goes on. I wish you comfort and peace.
Good. What goes around comes around, and unfortunately if you were absent to them when they needed it then they will be absent for you eventually. You can only wait for them to reach out. Seems like you pushed them further away by begging and wheedling. You deserve your own healing but YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED to them being in your life.
@@pollyfisher-johnson3091 Life does go on. That’s for sure.
Well said. I am so very sorry. You are not the sum of past decisions. Make the absolute best of your life.
How about being criticized and told that you are a loser (with nothing to substantiate it) your whole life? My mother's greatest joy was to hurt me. It made her feel powerful.
One always sees what’s wrong in others but once you dare to look within yourself then you would really understand…. May be your behavior was toxic and reckless??
@@rajendrakotturi4327Victim blaming is not appropriate to such a painful share.
My mother was a Narcissistic sociopath and used to talk to me about self-ending and how it might solve your problems but it left such hurt to those left behind. There was a weirdness in her eye that made me feel like she wanted me to do it. I was bullied everywhere while she watched on and I realized the goal was to get me to 'hurt' her that way. As you said, the power and 'fix' they get out of the intentional infliction of emotional distress/confusion. That all ended when I watched her reaction to the death of a teenaged child of a co-worker of my Dad. My mom seemed genuinely jealous of all the attention this woman was getting over the loss of her 17 year old daughter. Healthy people do not make something like that about them and after therapy those types of things just jump out as dysfunction. It's like, "OMG Look at all that attention she's getting! Why can't I have that happen to me!?!?" Me - "Mom. I'm standing right here." Yes - like the only thing holding that attention back from her is me not being dead. No one would suppose she'd consider my Golden sister for that job so I knew who needed to go. And this is why you're called a Scapegoat and deep down the goat knows.
@@rajendrakotturi4327 Alternate theory - this person had an abusive parent who never found an ounce of good in their child and took pleasure in stomping their spirit and then blamed the child and their 'badness' to mask the abuse that was being dealt... Like you just did.
@@ellyk8834AMEN!!!
I am 60 years old and was a latchkey neglect child and sustained nothing but physical, mental and emotional abuse from my parents and my dad died at 16. I was thrown out at 19 and still today, my mother never calls or does anything. She doesn't actually talk to me and I tried for years to have a relationship with her. It caused a horrible jealousy relationship with my siblings and I was very rejected by the family and scapegoated. I've never been invited to their gatherings and celebrations. I had to cut ties because of their toxic behavior. I still give money to my mother on holidays and birthdays and I'm literally the only successful person in the family.
I had to go no contact for my own emotional health. I recently had one of my nieces who is 23 years old call me saying she wants to leave the family too because her mother (my sister) mistreats her but I didn't really advise her other than to let her know she's and adult and if she is financially prepared to take care of herself, she doesn't have to live with her mother if the environment is unsafe.
I'm so at peace and don't regret my decision
Congratulations on successfully surviving a miserable situation. Life is too short to put up with mean, cruel emotionally and mentally unstable people. You deserve a happy life, free of chaos. I wish you the best.
I can totally relate
My daighter and granddaughter have walked out for the third and last time. I am embracing the freedom of being away from the negativity and the blame game. Walk away if you want, but expect nothing from my estate when I'm gone.
If your daughter is anything like me, she doesn't want anything from your estate.
Thats a relief to know to be honest. After five years estrangement my adult child wants nothing from me so i will have to respect her wishes and not leave her my estate.
It breaks my heart. @@Sizzle_74
Aging people may think that their loved ones may want their belongings. In my family it’s the opposite, no one wants their belongings.
@@lightloveandawake3114 they want the money.
@@takeiteasy7062 Well you can leave it to me then 😂
As the child of a narcissistic and very abusive controlling father, I have learned over the years that it is OK to distance. Moved out when I was 17 and now as a 47 year old I can clearly say that it was best for my own mental health... as well as the well being of my own family - child.
I survived my childhood. At the age of 23, I cut my Mother out of my life. It was the best decision I ever made. Decades later, I'm only now learning the vocabulary (from RUclips) to describe what was done to me.
I should have cut mine off sooner but was so codependant. So now my daughter was fed a steady diet that would turn her against me. It's made for tv stuff.
@@grogweedwalker
I might not have cut mine out of my life if I hadn't had the help of another person. My Chiropractor understood the conundrum. He helped me compose a letter to my Mother, one that was carefully worded so that it wouldn't make matters worse for me. I ended my short letter by saying that I would see her in the "new system". Mailing that letter was a huge decision and gave me huge relief. I hope you will be able to get free from your current entrapment.
@@hasinahmasud3808you sound abusive. I hope your children have escaped far away from you. My God you probably tortured them mentally. Invalidating a stranger... Imagine what you do to your children.
I think that we are talking about parents not abusive and yet estranged by an adult child. Its a big difference.
It's extremely hard being a parent.
I hate to say it but having children is overrated. I know women who were on fertility medication for years just to be parents. Now, they hardly, if ever, spend any time with their adult children. And, when they do spend time with their adult children, there is always an argument about something.
@@malkaz9167 True.
@malkaz9167 yeah, but which party is responsible for the arguments? Maybe one party is responsible or both the parent and child are at fault
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside Unfortunately society wants to have more people to prop up the economy.
@@alessandrac1940 I agree. Some parents are at fault and some children change when they became adults.
As an estranged parent, the way I found peace is through my belief in G-D. He has told me that my grown children are not mine and I don’t need to worry about them anymore. He showed me the beauty of life and opened many doors I didn’t think were possible for me… I enjoy other people’s children, and nieces nephews’s children who are eager that I’ll be part of their lives.
I learned that this was an enormous opportunity for growth. I’m filled with gratitude.
YES THEY HAVE "FREE WILL" JUST HAVE TO PICK OURSELF...SHAKE OURSELVES OFF AND GO FORWARD......VERY HEARTBREAKING. BUT WHAT CAN U DO....LET THEM GO
A parenting "style" that doesnt include expression of love is NOT a parenting style! It's actually abusive to the emotional wellbeing of a young life. It is a parental mental illness and indicative they should never have had a child.
Lots of signals of love without demonstrative.
i complete agree. wish i could like this thousand times.
Because grandfather says wildly inappropriate things, often in front of the grandchildren, and grandma covers for (enables) him...
A parent can apologize all they want. After a while, they usually go back to the same thing they apologized for… it’s a bandaid, and they don’t understand why “they” have to keep apologizing.
So plz don’t think an apology along, or even several times, will fix things.
What parents don't do is apologize. They SAY they did but any apology they offer is, as you said, a bandaid. They almost all claim they did apologize for "anything and everything" but ask them the question, "What specifically did you apologize for?" and you'll get anger and or silence. They don't say things like, "I'm sorry I hit you. I was an adult and you were a child and that was wrong." or "I'm sorry I kept dropping you off at gran and grandad's even tho you begged me not to. I should have known there was a reason and taken action against abuse happening there." etc. They want to ACT like they have apologized so to make their victim errr off-spring seem unreasonable. I mean, who doesn't forgive a sincere apology? My answer is - "People who haven't received one."
Some attitudes are not worth working with
Apologies are Step 1. Then you have to change your behavior. You have to acknowledge that your child is in pain. You have to have a plan for no further abuse.
(This is rare because the abuse is the whole point. If they really love, they really behave in a loving manner.)
I never got an apology because they did things on purpose.
Will the offer of money shut you up about it? Perhaps a fee schedule for accepting apologies for various degrees of wrongs? These are cynical rhetorical questions.
@@stephenvanwoert2447 u have some unresolved issues I see lol Hope u get those figures out one day
If a family member cuts you off, move on and use time and energy making new friends. It's a win-win.
You have to grieve the loss first . It's not just a magic wand cure.
@@elizabethy2912
indeed.. but it's an important next step
My family was very close, my son married a woman whom felt threatened no matter how well we welcomed her, I believe she pressured my son to estrange the family, been 9 yrs now, still heartbreaking to all of us, we don’t understand. Been researching and now realize we aren’t the only ones. Decided to take care of me, was on death’s doorstep, not ready for that. Let it go to God, am now on road to recovery and trying to live again.
I’m so sorry.😢My dad became estranged from me when he remarried a narcissist after my mom died.(I’m the only daughter) He died 4 months ago and I feel like he already died 7 years ago. I have forgiven him Praying for your healing. It is agonizing to deal with; knowing you can’t change a person. It’s not your fault❤
My mother-n- law felt the same way about me but my wife mother is such a pathological liar, very manipulative and trying to control her my wife every move..She is also is delusional liar, she creates lies out of head...my wife discovered more of her mom behavior before she even met me, so my understanding of knowing who she was as a person, Not healthy at all..
Same thing here- it's all in the hands of my daughter in law whose the devil. It's going on 1 1/2 years I'm done. I've done everything I could to get him back just to see us and bring my grandchild, now it's up to him.
Spouses who have their own baggage can come in & cause all kinds of heartaches if they're not healthy. Of course, they'll influence other family members. So many families also have addicts know they're that are like a bomb & can create so much strife where there was once Peace. It's sad & wearing...especially if on e tries to "keep the peace"...but it's like the fly in the ointment. A clean glass of water can get ruined by only a few drops of poison.
This is the situation that my son is in right now. We were estranged for a few months. But,We aren’t anymore. I had to come to terms with that’s who he is with but I will not let her keep him separated from our family. And he realized that as well. GOD is good!
This was SO comprehensive and validating. I’m working hard to improve my communication and let my children have their space. I’ve been too close to the point of enmeshment.
❤thanks I’m somewhat going through this now ( just found out how they really feel today) and I’m struggling my heart is broken I try to be supportive but I guess it’s too much. This is tough
@@Three721Yes, it's tremendously tough! Sending you hugz! ❣️
Thank you!!! Adult children are grown and need space to live their lives!!!! A smothering and suffocating parent is emotionally draining and a burden to already stressed out adult grown kids!! Demanding your kid's times!! Policing their times and schedules smfh
Kind of you to leave them alone
Well Done!!!
..some parents gossip about their kids, all the time, in front of them. Then they wonder why the children grow up and dont call them.
@@hasinahmasud3808 I didn't see anything from her about getting revenge but I heard a lot of nasty out of you. Honestly most of us get along just fine without parents who gave us the mental and physical abuse and that is exactly what she is talking about. Maybe if the parents had not been so hateful when their children were young they would still have that relationship now. But lets be clear here. It's not about being vindictive, it's about ending the toxic abuse with us and moving on. Some people can not be along for that ride. Not all parents are a blessing. A hell of a lot of you were monsters and a curse.
@hasinahmasud3808 Oh my goodness. I suspect your children do not speak to you & if your post is any reflection as to your state of mind, it's easy to see why! I commend your children for staying away, you have a toxic and nasty heart.
Good grief. 🙄
@@hasinahmasud3808you sound like an abusive parent. You'll see why when your kids estrange from you. Good luck
@@hasinahmasud3808 I now understand why you children don't talk to you anymore and this was a very good choice from them
@djotchuiangela9955 lol 😂 😂😂😂😂 you don’t have a clue. You are talking about your own parents. My children are mixed up with the Jehovah’s Witness cult and they teach them to shun family members who are non Jehovah’s Witness. Go educate yourself about the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I don’t pay attention to foolishness and ignorance. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
The fact that we, adult children are watching these videos and we trying to understand parents says it all.
I watched multiple videos about that topic for parents and it amazes me how most parents in the comments are blaming their children that the children are disrecpecting them, and that the children are narcissistic and bad, and now parents are playing the victim role.
You never see the comment that they are sorry how they treated their children when we lived at home with them.
It's obvious that parents are in power in house and if they treat you like a slave or don't have basic respect for another human, don't accept us, listen to us - we stop talking, because we tried multiple times talk to parents before. Finally we cut off, and suddenly we are the bad one and they are victims. It's just a manipulation.
Lately, I've been thinking about contacting my parents by email, but after rereading old emails from them, remembering things from the past, and writing them down, I find myself thinking about not doing so. I wish I had supportive peacful family/childhood. They don't know how hard it is to maintain the mental health.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. I’m sorry you didn’t have a supportive peaceful family/childhood. I think you made many important points.
What I find troubling in many cases is how so many people paint each other with a broad brush. There’s exceptions and outliers where the generalizations don’t apply. On the other hand, what you notice is a valid observation.
I think there’s a case to be made that it’s possible for parents and adult children to be out of touch with their family members.
This is the first video I've watched that encompasses ALL the possible reasons why an adult child cuts off their parents, and I am so grateful that it included some aspects of my situation.
You get what you give. If my mom had shown any interest in me or my children, then I’d have interest in knowing her.
That’s not entirely true. You don’t always get what you give.
My son married a horrible spouse. That’s why I stay away.
So you are repeating the cycle then....but it is o.k. for YOU to be that way to others? Hmmmmm.....
It finally added up why my son had not spoken to me since 2019. Found out his wife is narcissistic from a troubled childhood. Looking back it all makes sense now. Nothing I can do to fix that.
Thanks for sharing Dave, agreed you can’t fix the issues with DIL and their relationship. What parents can do is move forward with their lives.
Our daughter is married to a narcissist 💔
How about a video about toxic children? Why is everything about all the things the parent is doing wrong?
The parent raises the child. It’s not the other way around. That’s why.
Because there’s an epidemic of rotten parents.
I cannot believe that therapists think it’s ok to listen to a one-sided story, especially when it might be heavily interlaced with untruths and misperceptions, and then think it is “ok for a therapist to suggest cutting off”. This “advice” is so incredibly damaging to entire families. The number of “adult children” in this country that are being coached that disrespect and entitlement are an option is completely disgusting.
Thank you for this video! It is very hurtful that my youngest daughter treats me like Im someone she just met. When she celebrated her 21st Birthday without me, I was devastated. When she only FaceTimed me for my 50th Birthday, I was devastated. My oldest two kids talks to me. My youngest daughter and I only talk maybe every 3-4 months. I am truly heartbroken by this. Your video has helped me tremendously! Thank you!
Whatever happened in the past, apologize, just love them, let go of expectations, guilt, etc…& BE the change! How I changed was meditation & learning to heal & love myself. They’ll either notice & learn from you & feel relief, joy or maybe peace, or not. Either way we just love them. After all, that’s why we’re all here. 💖
What about parents who cut off their adult children? More needs to be covered on this topic.
They are not going to allow you to talk about that. This woman deletes what parents say if she doesn’t like it, she is bias.
@@hasinahmasud3808 that’s too bad! :/
So many of these adult children demand respect but don't give respect
Maybe they're reflecting the respect you're displaying.
Found one
Let me guess. You’re estranged.
@@SuperApostle11 Actually the opposite. Talk to my adult kids every single day and they are over here 3-4x a week. We are besties.
i match my mom’s energy. You get what you give.
How about 11 reasons a parent goes no contact with their adult child(ren)!! They play gaslighting games with you! Making you a scapegoat! My heart is to build our relationship and not tear it down! Every time they spew out false accusations it puts me in a downward spiral!! I need to remain strong!
If the accusations are false and cause that much distress are you really very emotionally stable? Or is the problem the 'accusations' aren't false and being confronted by your actions/choices and behavior creates unbearable shame to you? Instead of remaining strong (I'm guessing that's code for staying in denial) perhaps listening, addressing and accepting reality will be a path to healing and less downward spirals...
@@ellyk8834 You don't think false accusations would cause distress? It is extremely distressing to be accused of doing things which you did not do.
@@anonymouswitness3835 Do you know that Scapegoat abuse survivors are constantly accused of doing what the abuser themselves or the Golden child is doing? And because as a Scapegoat child you are under the control of an abuser adult they will even PUNISH you for the things you didn't do. That's against a child and I lived that so yes... I understand false allegations suck.
Is it crappy as an adult when you are falsely accused and have to hear those horrible 'lies'? Sure. But if you in your mature adult mind it's causing undo distress then you need to see a therapist because that sounds more like guilt at being confronted with truth and not by a false accusation.
@@ellyk8834 I am not undermining the experiences of abused or accused children. It's just that we cannot tell from a RUclips comment what the situation is -- whether they are experiencing guilt due to true accusations or distress due to false accusations. It's impossible to know, so it feels unfair to immediately jump to "maybe you really did do those things" when a person is just sharing their experience.
I have encountered many different situations -- I have met children who experienced abuse and scapegoating from their parents. But I have also met parents who were separated from their children due to false accusations. I have met parents whose memory is skewed because they don't want to face the truth. But I have also met children whose memory is skewed because of unrelated trauma.
So that you understand my perspective and where I'm coming from, I experienced accusation and blame not from a parent or a child, but from a sibling and a toxic friend, so I speak neither as an abused child nor an estranged parent. I only know that I can't know someone else's experience from one comment, and it feels intrusive to jump to the worst conclusion. I know that I would feel really horrible if I shared my experience with my abusive sister and someone said that actually everything my sister said was true, and that I must be in the wrong if I was hurt and destabilized by what she said and did.
@@ellyk8834 I am not undermining the experiences of abused and scapegoated children. We cannot know what this person's situation is from a RUclips comment, and it's unfair to jump to the conclusion that they must have actually done something wrong when they were just sharing their experience.
My perspective is neither that of an abused child nor an estranged parent, but I have been falsely accused of things by my abusive sibling, and also, later, by a toxic friend. It would feel really really horrible if I talked about how bad that made me feel, and then somebody said, "if you feel hurt and destabilized by that, maybe you DID do what they said you did."
This person's experience is not an attack on your experience. The fact that some parents have been falsely accused by their children does not erase the fact that you and other abused children were accused and blamed by your parents. We cannot know this person's life and assume that they are in denial.
Parenting is the hardest job, my 2 sons don't want children and good for them, I certainly don't want them having kids just to make me a grandmother, I love and respect their choices. My heart goes out for children and parents going through emotional painful relationships 😢
sounds like the trash taking itself out 😂
When your child cuts you off they don't feel remorse believe me, they feel regret and anger that they didn't have a different parent.
My estranged daughter sees me at christmas and brings gifts and has dinner. Based on your comment can you explain this please? Just asking. Thankyou.
You can't change anyone but yourself. After years of trying, realized I was only going in circles of pain, hurt and being in toxicity. Life is now happy, joyous and have friends who are like family. It's difficult to leave the circle of the past relationships but honestly more difficult to stay there in that negativity. I wouldn't trade today for yesterday for anything. God bless you.
These adult children's story is not totally written yet. They better hope their kids do not turn on them. They will have a rude sad awakening.
What goes around comes around.
Beware you self righteous adult children!!!
So you are wishing the horrible living bereavement from estrangement on other people. Gosh that sounds really nasty. And many estranged due to abuse adults report their parent was uncaring, unempathetic and actually liked seeing their child hurt. And here you are wishing hurt on other people. Beware yourself exposing how you really are...
I hope you therapists are happy with yourselves. My daughter 57 and I talked on the phone for an hour 3 times a week. She had one session of therapy and now doesn't speak to me.
Sounds like you feel you had no part in the estrangement.
Shame on those therapists for exposing the truth! What are they thinking?!
I feel you,lousy therapists like lousy doctors or anything else.$$#@ em.
I really appreciate your videos…They make me feel much less alone. I haven’t spoken to my parents for almost four years, and it has been really difficult but necessary for my mental health.
I haven't spoken to my family since 2018. I couldn't be married and have them in my life. I chose my husband and kids. I often ask myself if I did the right thing. I did. I understand. ♥️
@@ginac895So why cut off grandkids from grandparents? You may very well be cutting off your parents from being wonderful grandparents! So many wounds can and do heal when grandparents can makeup for their mistakes by being truly wonderful grandparents!
@@livinglife4835 not what happened in my case, I’ve apologized to my adult son’s repeatedly for allowing my mother in their lives, they now have emotional scars from her too, please don’t question someone keeping their kids from anyone who is already known to be toxic regardless of who they are, you are requesting for the grandchildren to have scars too, shameful
maybe those parents are the ones that dont speak here... the narcs@@livinglife4835
My daughter went no contact on me. Very cruel and void of any empathy. Sorry but there’s no justification for this. I gave her my life.
I have been shocked into oblivion this month by my only child 31 yr old daughter. She has always been the most spoiled person alive. Now all of a sudden after she's been with these idiot friends who took her to this therapist? All of a sudden I'm a narcissistic abusive mom. I've read all of this crap on here now fir a week. You grown women who encourage this crap will live to reapbwhat you sow. My daughter doesn't have to worry about keeping up with this trend. I see it's a popular thing they are all doing. Plus it keeps them from having to worry about being there for us as we age. No worries. I woukd never have lived with her in a million yrs. She can do her Grey rocking. No contact. What ever else the hell she wants to do. But here's the thing she isn't considering. My will is getting changed to be in step with her new found joy of treating her parents worse than dirt. I sure as hell wouldn't want to ever bother her with properties money. Jewelry. Omg. The horror. If you parents can't see this is a trend all these 30to 50 yr Olds are doing. You need to smarten up. The first thing I did when she had this raging fit on me right after we came back from her birthday dinner , ,
No less was to think what the hell?? So I Googled adult children disrespecting older parents. Jackpot. How many thousands of these idiot things popped up. 2nd thing I did was go look at her Facebook page to see what ungodly influences she was associating with. And there SHE WAS. THIS little trashy gal she has started working with. All of this crap was coming from her.. abused by parents, therapists who they quote like these people actually know anything.. it was SO my daughter. She is like a camellion. Who ever she's around thats how she behaves. Ok. Just trying to save some of you moms from this vast stupidity . Trust me. When you cut them off right back it won't seem so FUN anymore. I've HAD IT
@@nicolawyatt2837 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how painful it is. Feels like bereavement and worse. I agree with you, it seems that they need an escape goat to hang their must have ‘trauma’ on. Sadly this generation has no respect for parents ( not all). It’s so heartbreaking.
Yes it's like all these younger people and even up to 50 yrs old need to fit in with whatever the latest trend is on social media. Seems they think turning on their parents is a game. It's so unbelievable. I had my daughter at 39. I was unable to have children until then . I was so happy to finally have a child and a daughter at that. I doted on her along with my husband, my parents and my brother and his 3 kids who were all on their teens when she came along. She was given everything and put upon a pedestal. So why she's doing this, its a lie but she is running with people who are from bad families and she is trying to do what they do although she knows it isn't true. I turned 70 yesterday on mothers day. Didn't even get a text from her. It's like I'm in a bad dream. The only help I can get is to look to Jesus and I know he will help me thru. And praying everyday for her soul
@@nicolawyatt2837 "She has always been the most spoiled person alive." Sounds like you are reaping what you sowed.
Same it hurts she is 22 did not call me for Mother’s Day iam broken having panic attacks iam isolated she was my life now iam alone what was the point of raising a child for so long and be discarded it hard breaking it’s horrible terrifying
Children are children Remember Who is the Parent.Just lov your child Always and let them know it.
My 42 year old married with two teenage children is NOT a CHILD. immature? Absolutely.
Maybe treat them like another person/human and have basic respect first?
if you act like you are The PARENT(KING/Dictator/Tyrant), they will feel it and can't build trust or normal connection that way.
Your attitude says it all.
How about when a parent cuts ties with an adult child? Toxicity isn't only due to a parent. Psychology would like adult children to believe that though.
True. Toxic parents often have toxic children they need to stay away from. I've seen it in my own family. In my experiences there is either a toxic parent that got walked away from by a healthier adult (their child) or there is a toxic parent AND their off-spring is toxic as well. These things predominately originate with who reached adult age first...
Anomalous but they cld be used up???? By the kid?
@ellyk8834 This is what I'm talking about. You just added "toxic" to "parent" in both cases. How about tempering your use of the word "toxic" in the first place? How many good parents have had that word attached to them because they were strict? In a world gone crazy, any parenting that includes discipline is described as toxic! How dumb do you have to be to lump the two together?
And how many families have been destroyed because psychologists convinced young adults that their parents were "toxic"?
Young adults who just graduated childhood 5 minutes ago do not understand the value of parental discipline. But all it takes is some educated psychologist to validate their teenage-minded complaints, and they'll cut their parents out of their lives for the next 20 years! This is what you're proud of? You should be ashamed. The damage done to good families is astronomical!
I thank God that my abusive childhood made me choose not to have children myself. Sounds like an effing nightmare 😱
I love everything you are saying. Protecting one's mental health is paramount.
Absolutely. Regardless of who is who, if someone is toxic and hurting you? Walk away and heal.
You will forever be missing complete adulthood if all you thing about is YOUR needs.
Yes, now that my toxic child has removed themselves, I have peace. The relationship was overwhelming and boundaries should of been set years ago. For instance...do unto others as they do unto you.
Thank you for mentioning therapists bc I was one and am estranged. I never told a client to walk away from a parent. You go by what the client tells you.
My son went no contact and we didn’t realize it. -this is VERY recent. We thought he was busy, med school. I suspected something was up. I will live with this. It stings, but I will live with it. He took the time to let my husband know. Hubby not taking it well at all. They were just together in May. I am so grateful for this community. I’m ok. Not sure how to support hubby. Son only speaks to my mom. Has cut off everyone, sibling, cousins, aunts, uncles, other grandparents. I respect his choice. I don’t have to like it. Sorry for the rambling.
I submit. Therapists and their rationales can be very dangerous. Beware.
Since my son has moved in with his father and step mother I have bern completely cut out of his life. He doesnt even respond to my messages. This is the first year I havent gotten to celebrate his birthday with him. I have to learn to accept that I will never spend another holiday with him as he has a new family and I am just not part of it.
My daughter after 40 years of her biological father and my divorce doesn't understand that I hate her dad (who was always drunk and spent his paycheck the day he got paid!!
I worked and paid ALL the bills. Clothes food and his beer!! Yes!! So he would shut up and go to sleep. And she hates me for that! No.
I'm done. She can go live with her alchi dad. They're the same.
Sounds like you could never do enough, so they're right, you're not good enough, she wants to visit, be polite, won't acknowledge your sacrifices, at least she's alive and safe, women are martyrs, imagine where they'd of been without you!
I hope you come back here in about 6 months and read this comment. Perhaps by then, you will understand
You’re codependent, which is also an addiction. No one respects enablers, and they shouldn’t. Get help for your codependency and she may come back. If she doesn’t then at least you will feel better about taking care of you instead of everyone else.
Our children were almost 50 years old and they just disappeared from my life once my husband left and filed for divorce. He died suddenly before the divorce was final. Talk about trauma for us all. They were not there for me as I was recovering from all the shocks. I suppose they were dealing with their own trauma. It has now been almost five years. Still we are estranged.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through.
@@bford6644 thank you. The Bible tells me God is a god of love and He has purpose in all that He allows to touch our lives. Rom 8:28 I love and trust my heavenly father.
I am so sorry Teresa.❤That is so sad.
At least you can say your a widow not a divorcee.
@@glendacastillo6504 that was God's grace, protection, and provision. A divorce would have meant poverty. As it is I have a VA pension. I am not glad my children's father is dead, but I am so grateful for God's intervention.
The first reason is why my oldest cut me off. I'm not saying I was perfect, but she and her sister were/are my world. Everything I did was with them in mind. From the beginning I was determined to give them the affection that I didn't have from my own mother (not my mom's fault, she has always dealt with major mental health issues).
Positive communication on both sides is the key.
The problem is that most parents in the comments confuse being a parent as beging like a king, dictator or tyrant.
That's why they never apologize for their own actions/words.
Child usually expects from parents: love, acceptance, support, believing, peace at home, etc.
Child can't start a positive communication if parents attitude is like tyrant - don't listen, don't try to understand, deny everything what child think, etc.
It will never be a healthy communication if one side is a tyrant. I think it's the basic psychology for all kind of relationship.
Wow! Excellent, consise, cleanly delivered helpful content for parents who love and want a healthy, respectful relationship with their adult child(ren.) This video, along with your Stages of Child Estrangement Grief are treasures! Thank you for addressing this heart-shattering problem.
Hi Amy: Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry it's been so long. I hope you have been getting support. Please take care of yourself. Warmly, Marie
The most balanced perspective on the subject I've heard. Thank you so much!! 👏👏👏
Glad it was helpful!
No other worse heartbreak 💔 than when your daughter cuts you off from your only grand baby! 😢 I am having a hard time letting go!
@@Owwitsmuggyoutsideshe's probably upset by both...double disrespect.
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside surely that is explained
You may have legal rights. Certainly the case in Canada.
My sister is a toxic narcissist who abused her family. She then divorced her husband, forced her grown children to abandon their father, and then family on both sides of their families. Both children have gotten married, had children and the only person in their lives from their father or mother’s family was my sister. We are better off without her, but her children will suffer having no family. My sister is a monster and has been an abusive person since she was a child.
It actually sounds like your sister is a Scapegoat. Your story has some gaps of logic that point to her not being the only person with issues.
@@ellyk8834dayyyyummm aha I love that you point that out
Imagine how disappointed the parents are sometimes too. We don’t always get the families we want often we get the families we deserve.
Therapists don’t jump straight to “cut them off”. Usually they go over boundaries and books to read, they talk about “grey rocking”, things like that.
If u are worried about a therapist taking ur adult kid away, ask if u can go to therapy with them. Tell them u will go because u don’t want this. Promise to familiarize urself with boundaries etc.
U DO have choices. Most of the time u are not helpless, therapists are not the bad guys, and ur kids aren’t making this up.
These people need to fix the relationships they have with themselves before they can understand why their relationship with their off-spring is broken. They want to deny that which is why they end up estranged. You're trying to get them acting healthy without addressing why they were behaving unhealthy in the first place and doing that while using their child as a distraction is unlikely to have long term success.
Some do. I heard this from young couples.
Therapists only get one side of story causing a person to be encouraged to remove themselves from the parent. Before the therapist does this perhaps that Dr should have a session with the parent.
I appreciate the straightforward way you present this information. In terms of the "trendiness" of family estrangement or blaming parents, I think it's more about normalizing. Compare this to divorce. In years past, it was expected that you remain married to someone, no matter how unhappy the marriage became. It wasn't socially acceptable to leave a marriage except in cases of extreme abuse (and sometimes not even then). Now people divorce simply because they no longer feel in love or have grown apart. I think in the past, it was expected that children remain in relationship with and devoted to their parents even when the relationship was harmful. Our society is moving away from that norm, and now it's acceptable to end a relationship with a family member when it is unpleasant.
Very well stated!
Well said. If it's unpleasant. Wow. That's all it takes now
@@lyndachaufty4716 yes it seems so, it's actually creating an inability to talk things like misunderstandings, upsets, hurt feelings through, it's cut off and shut out, which is not a healthy way to deal with things that occur with people you are close to/love.
My parents split when I was 2. I spent my life ping ponging between them, usually 2k miles at a time. At 42, it’s hard to have relationships with either of them. I realized, I’m still the reminder of the failed relationship, and therefore, neither is ever going to open up and be honest and real with me. I thought as an adult, we’d get along better, but it really just becomes more difficult for me to get along with them, as they’re so stiff and pretentious with me. Hmm, thanks for the session, I’m feeling much better now.
I’m sorry
I just don’t understand this whole situation. I thought I was the only one going through this. I’m not perfect nor were my parents and I made mistakes, that is life. I also reached out and sought therapy and attended many parenting classes because my parents and grandparents raised me with the generation trauma that they experienced. I still would never cut them out of my life but did have boundaries. Maybe I didn’t visit as often or for a shorter period of time. Some empathy and compassion. Everything wasn’t horrible all the time but I did experience many hurtful moments. I grew to realize that although I couldn’t have the loving connection I needed, I could still have a relationship with them because they are human and it is not up to me to be judging, God takes care of that. However to be having to walk on eggshells and be accepting all the blame isn’t how it should go. I don’t even know what the problem is with two of them. Life is so short and if you don’t make peace with family before they pass it will eat you up alive. It takes so little energy to be kind and loving and so much energy to be mean and spiteful. I would love to have a new relationship with them but they won’t communicate what the problem is and have no interest to have me in their children or their lives. The hurt has led me to think at one point of ending my life. People both make mistakes in all relationships. I don’t understand this.
Enjoy what God can show you. Go back to what you enjoyed in 7th grade or high school. Piano, crafts etc. These kids r spoiled. Imo...a mess w new dtr in law can be hell!!! Yikes!
Don t hurt yourself, be good to you. Contemplate, pray and know God is near.
I am right there with you - nearly the same story. I will never understand this.
Same here.....very cruel " me first" generation.
Only incompetent therapists would suggest or encourage someone to cut off from the only people in the world that has ever truely helped them, loved them and would die for them. As proved over several decades. These therapists should have their licence to practice revoked.
You need therapy.
I’m not estranged from my 3 daughters, I got divorced when the youngest was in college. At first they all depended on me for help financially. Now, all in their 30’s, they have their own lives and do what they want. 2 of them have moved to another state. We don’t see each other often, and when we do it’s very short, but fun. They all seem to just do there own thing and I wish there was more contact but I’m trying to accept it. My mom, grandma and I were very close. It baffles me. I don’t put ‘things ‘ on them. To be honest I think many of these kids are just plain selfish.
Not seeing kids often, but having fun and speaking kindly, is not enduring the abuse of the 'cut off.. ' I've had that experience. While its not fun (I call it, going into the History Channel mode) it isn't as cruel as "dont visit anymore", "you're not welcome to share grandkids milestones' and threatening any 3rd party who 'dares' intervene. There is a book about being neutrally neglected called 'Sidelined by Your Adult Children'.
We all went to university and onwards. It was expected to have ambition. No problem.
My 40 year old daughter keeps on bringing up childhood stuff. A have apoplogzed many times and have told her that if I knew how she was feeling, I would have done differently. Things are ok for a while but she will start in on this childhood stuff again. I am done apologizing. In fact , when I see a text or call from her, I don't even want to answer the call or open the text. Grow up, girl.
I’m going through this with my daughter right now I am so tired of Apologizing I’m ready to disconnect from her
Sometimes a simple apology doesn’t cut it. Perhaps family counselling could help.
Wow! How do you not see that you're the problem. Phrases like "childhood stuff" and saying, "grow up girl" are just a way of not taking responsibility for you crappy parenting. I hear, leave me alone because I'm not going to except responsibility for what I did and I want you to forget about it and move on so I (you not your child) can feel better.Spoken like a real narc parent.
To fbicontacted7690: I know that my parenting wasn't all that great but that cannot be undone. I have admitted that to her and apologized. I was never just mean to her. And she just divorced her husband and left her children with him.
If you're child didn't "grow up", isn't that your fault sense you're the one who raised her?
My son sided with his narcissistic evil step father who was my deceased husband’s best childhood friend. We were together for 16 long hard years where he controlled everything, put me down, called me ever name in the book, threw things at me, punched holes in walls. Once he almost threw a TV on me and our daughter in a fit of rage. The list goes on….. I was widowed at age 35 with 2 sons under 5. For a long time, I was in love with him and worked so hard to make our relationship work. He picked on my younger son relentlessly. When I went to therapy my therapist told me I was in an abusive relationship, I was shocked. I thought it was normal because his treatment of me was similar to how my mother treated me. When I left the narcissist after realizing he was never going to change, he told my oldest son that his birth father may not be his real dad and that I stole his college money. Both a complete lie. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my son. I’m heart broken. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. In 2019, my son shattered his knee and was without health insurance. He would have been disabled for life without surgery which was very expensive and I would do anything for my children. I asked my son to ask his dad to split the surgery with me and he said, “I can’t get involved with that because I pay your mom child support for your sister.” I can’t understand why my son idolizes this evil man who didn’t help one bit when he was injured. I pray one day me and my son heal. I am a kind, gentle loving mom and have beautiful relationships with my daughter and other son.
Some of it seems like immaturity and entitlement.
You’re referring to the behavior of the parents who are being cut off I assume. It’s all over this page. None of them can take accountability for what they did to create the situation and they are all innocent victims. How odd!
From the parents? You bet. That's why they got cut off.
Some of it is. People on here being hostile to anyone suggesting it isn't one size fits all are showing their own toxic traits.
I have 5 children. 4 are okay with me and we are close. 1 was very close to me too but something happened two years ago and became nasty, disrespectful and really mean. In his eyes i am an abusive parent. Things went so wrong my mental health went down. I gave an ultimatum, either behave respectfully and contribute to the household (not asking loads of money just a fair contribution) or move out. He chose the last and made clear he wont be in contact with me anymore. I raised them alone. I gave all my love and knowledge to them. I know i made big mistakes and i apologised for them to each of them. Whenever they raise an issue i listen and try better next. I simply have no other idea i have to let him go. I know he is badmouthing about me to people.
Hi, thanks for writing. I hear you saying that you are accepting the consequences of the fair boundary you gave him. He didn't like it and decided to leave. Badmouthing never feels good, and I am sorry this happened to you. He sounds angry at you. I'm guessing.
No 2. Son in law, definitely felt threatened by the close relationship between me and my daughter, so from the day.he came in her life she became a diffirent person. I knew what was.going on from the beginning so I stepped away. I could not allow my daughter to disrespect me and become rude to me so I stepped back. Every time there was a problem between her and her husband she came running back to me, just to go no contact again. I could not allow this, I also had to set my own boundaries. So you either respect me or you stay away.
Same
Oh my god, same. For years. Decades. I'm exhausted. They even re-married. His family is drama. So gross. I'm finally free of their toxic choices.
Be grateful and realize you're better off without them. Don't let them abuse you anymore.
For every adult child, there's probably a different reason for cutting ties, maybe more reasons than we think possible. I'm not looking for the reason(s). It's the child's reason he/she gives which may not be accurate, but it's their perception just the same. They are entitled to any misperception, and it may be futile to convince them of anything different than what their minds made up as their story or their beliefs. It's rough feeling rejected for something you don't know, and that children are not willing to communicate. Good luck as we try to mend. Everyone needs to heal.
OMG you hit the nail on the head for me , I can’t go into much other than the fact that my son is distant, honestly I have been an exemplary mom, not perfect but pretty great…. But my son has never been the same since his dad walked out on our marriage (I’ve got to say though, his dad stayed in his life and is helpful to him as n many ways, he loves our son, but still damaged was done) my son was incredibly hurt and confused, I tried a few times to take us to counselling but my son at that time was sixteen and absolutely refused….
He is now 21 and gonna away for college , he does call me alright, at least return my calls, he is respectful and I know he loves me. Many times though I feel he’s hurting but he won’t talk about it so I leave him and remind him. I’m always here for him. I think my pain and my hurt is sometimes so deep because I get a sense that he blames me for his world falling apart, but I tried very hard to keep it all together for us, but when someone wants to leave you just can’t make them stay. My son is my only son and sometimes I feel that I lost him and I can’t help but to feel so angry with his dad…… i’ll stop right there, I suppose what I was trying to say is that I agree with what you said I’m sure that somehow I have contributed to his distance from me I just don’t know what it is and I wish that he would be willing to talk about it😢
Thank you guys will uphold each other in prayer and hope for a better tomorrow with our children
I have searched information on this topic, and I hear you say the adult child wants the paret take accountability for what they have done and apologise... But what to do when the child wants you apologising for something you know in your heart never happened. I have always showed my daughter genuin respect and I own my mistakes. But this made my so sad... I don't know what to do. I can't just say something happened and be regretful about it when it hasn't. I'm heartbroken about this, feeling manipulated. At the same time, I love her so much, words can't describe
Hi Kattie:
Thank you for writing. Being falsely accused is a whole different category. Just as there are parents who insist they have nothing to apologize for there are those who have been falsely accused and in a horrible spot. Kattie, please do get support, keep moving forward with your life. If your daughter is manipulating you and you know in your heart of hearts you did not do what she accused you of, then it's important to move forward towards acceptance. I know this is terrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Warmly, Marie
Having parents apologize and beg these children is not good advice. All these therapist say the same thing and it's NOT working.
I have the same dilemma. There are distortions and re-writings of history and if I just go along and try to apologize, I feel like I'm enabling her distorted thinking, and at great expense to myself. It feels like I'm supposed to own a bunch of lies.
@Darlin' after you apologize they will find another fault. They don't want a resolution . Nothing you say will ever be good enough.
@@lisac8509 thanks Lisa. I have come to that realization over and over, then time passes and I try again and again get repelled. It's so hard to give up on your child. Then again, I guess it's not giving up, it's letting go. Accepting that I am powerless in this situation, unless and until her perceptions and thinking change.
This is all true but they better be financially independent then. My son just told me he doesn’t need a relationship with me, and the joke is this 20 yr old has never made a penny in his whole life! So I kicked him out of the house, changed the locks, and said all my other financial gifts are dependent on his behavior, and those financial gifts consist of college tuition, dorm room, cafeteria, health insurance, new car (I’m on the lease) car insurance, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon prime, allowance…..talk about entitlement! We knew who buttered our bread and we knew to be respectful!
@@Owwitsmuggyoutsidedo you make it a habit to spend money on people who disrespect you?
@Owwitsmuggyoutside no but I am generous to my loved ones because I can afford to do so. Nobody owes you shit. So if you are rude to a person that is being generous to you then you have reaped what you've sown when they put their energy in people who are not disrespectful towards them
@Owwitsmuggyoutside what is your point tho? If a person is being disrespectful to me I will end the relationship and take my resources with me. As would any individual with self-esteem and healthy boundaries.
@Owwitsmuggyoutside she is likely angry and hurt. Most people aren't giving financial support to people they hate. If that were the case she would still be financially supporting her son even though he is disrespectful. Adult children are not entitled to financial support and parents of adult children aren't entitled to a relationship. If someone shows me they do not want a relationship with me I will withdraw my energy and resources and put them towards someone who will be there for me the same way I am there for them.
@Owwitsmuggyoutside it seems you don't believe adults are responsible for their own actions. Parents were once children so any issue you have with your parents should be taken up with their parents and their parent's parents until we get to Adam and Eve
My mother held a knife to my throat because I refused to cosign on her second mortgage. This was after a lifetime of financial, emotional, and physical abuse from her. It still took me years after that incident to finally tell her I was done. I realized she was never going to take responsibility for her actions while continuing to actively harm me. I was nearly 35 at the time. It was over 20 years coming. On my 12th birthday, she berated me to tell her whether or not my father had SA'd me until I was in tears. I finally said it out loud after holding it in since my childhood. She hugged me -- she never hugged me, and in that moment, I embraced the hope that things might get better. She held me for a moment, then pushed me away and said, "You SLUT! You asked for it!". She was blaming me for being SA'd when I was 7/8/9 years old. By a man she forced me to ask for money. The man SHE married. There was no more trust after that. She continued to hold that over me like a mark of shame that she could trot out at any time to keep me down. I struggled with guilt for years after going NC with her, but I think it was the right thing to do to save my life. I tried for many years to get her into therapy or at least into yoga. Something. But I failed at that, too. It took me many years to understand that it was not my fault that she was like that.
Thank you for sharing here. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. This must have been so very painful.
I hope you have people in your life you know love you and are there for you .
My oldest child has completely disengaged with the occasional text. I feel he is punishing me for a life altering decision I was forced to make for my health and welfare as well as theirs. I separated from their abusive father, my youngest son was 9 at the time and he made it clear he didn’t want his father back, “Mom I don’t ever want him to ever come back here” and we were divorced. He maintains contact and visits his dad. Their relationship has been a work in progress, but I do not believe in slander or teach them to hate. That is a burden that is too much for children to bear, no matter the age. My relationship with my youngest, who is now an adult is a good one. However, his brother has cut me out of his life. He is engaged and I’ve never met her. He currently lives 12 hrs away, we don’t see each other often and that’s ok, I get it. He and his fiancé purchased a home 17.5 hrs away 2 months ago and have not shared this with me. He has chosen to have only 1 parent, his dad, and I don’t see why it has to be that way. Part of the abusive relationship in my marriage was to slander and smear me to everyone and I can’t help but think he is doing that with our oldest son now. That’s a dark place I dare not enter. I am hurt by this and I miss my son, but I can’t control it. I am so grateful for your post, thank you very much for this video, it was very helpful and I feel better.
This is very SPOT ON EXCELLENT CONTRIBUTION TO THE PLETHORA OF ISSUES WITHIN A FAMILY DYNAMIC
ADULTS? ABRUPTLY GOING NO CONTACT AND KEEPING GRANDKIDS AWAY AFTER FIVE YRS OF BONDING. SORRY THOSE ARE NOT Adults IS ALMOST LIKE A DESTRUCTIVE TREND
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside YEP..HAVE NO IDEA WHY?? SEEMS VERY SELFISH TO JUST UO AND WALK AWAY FROM OTHERS . WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING SAID... JUST SAYING SOMETIMES THE NEW WAY OF DOING THINGS IS NOT ALWAYS CORRECT. I HAVE WATCHED PEOPLE GIVE TONS OF LOVE RESPECT AND GIFTS TO BE ABRUPTLY JUST GONE...THE ONES THAT GO NO CONTACT BETTER HOPE THIS DOESNT CIRCLE BACK AROUND WHEN THEY HAVE KIDS... KARMA WONT BE PRETTY
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE GO NO CONTACT WITH VERY LOVING FAMILY MEMBERS . THE FAMILY UNIT IS A MESS.. JUST BC IN CAPS DONT ASSUME IM YELLING..MY EYE ARENT THE BEST THATS WHY...I JUST WISH FAMILYS WOULD COMMUNICATE FIRST I HAVE SEEN WHERE NO ONE COMMUNICATED ANYTHING
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside WELL NO MATTER WHAT IT IS...I FIND IT REALLY SAD
Estrangement impacts both parties and sometimes its a decision to have to leave a whle family. Sometimes you can't make an announcement for your own safety. Other times communication was happening for years and somebody just refused to listen. It's not selfish to cut someone off, it's selfish to make being cut off only about how to impacted you.
❤I am so glad I came across this. I can resonate with a lot of what you've said. I am a mom of 2 adult daughters that has recently lost their father (my husband of nearly 40 years). The oldest daughter I have not seen or spoken to since way before Xmas last year 2023. We are all grieving in our own way, unique to only us. She was very close to her father and the pain of his passing must be unbearable, for her, I respect that. She to sees a therapist ( before her father died) I believe, I may be incorrect, that what she has probably discussed with her therapist about me etc. That she has been advised to keep her distance from me, because I suffer with depression and have done so for many years. In view of the grief we are all experiencing and the issues she has with me. I am leaving the door open and keeping a connection via occasional message, to let her know that I respect how she must be feeling, I respect her boundaries, I love her and will be happy to reconnect when she feels she is ready to do so. I cannot do anymore than this, but I am also heartbroken at the loss of my husband and the distance that exists between us at this difficult time. Thankyou once again for helping me see things from a different perspective.
Thank you for sharing here.
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It is so difficult to lose the relationship status with our kids. Be compassionate with yourself. I’m glad the video was helpful.
Parents smother their children… it gives them a sense of purpose and value in life because they don’t have any self esteem without the adult child validating them and confirming their love on a daily basis. As parents, it’s YOUR responsibility to take responsibility for YOUR OWN self validation instead of expecting someone else (or your spouse) to do it for you. The baby boomer mothers have a problem with enmeshment!!!
My parents had zero boundaries. They said horrible things to my husband in front of my kids. I know they were shocked I chose my husband. Dahh I love him and our family ❤
Thanks. Very helpful. Adult children are in a different world. They’re independent. They live with their in laws and that’s their world. Their kids in laws. Same thing. They don’t NEED the parent at all.
Are you a parent please?
I was estranged by my adult child 3 and a half years ago. I’ve been to hell and back since then.
It’s become a real trend nowadays. All part of the cancel culture unfortunately. People cannot say anything nowadays without the fear of being cut out.
I’m 63 so I’ve experienced a bit of life.
Most of the parents like me who are normal human beings are being made ill by their own flesh and blood.
I trained as a therapist too, but frankly you don’t need to be a therapist to know if you’re a healthy snd stable person.
Being human means being flawed. We all are. Everyone.
We need to be far more accepting of others snd of ourselves.
These young adults will find out after we have long gone, that life is tough and people are not perfect.
Social media has given young people a false perspective of life. And they have unrealistic demands in everyone but themselves.
I feel sorry for them.
They're not called snowflakes for nothing.
grow up stop blaming cancell culture. You may have been toxic and your child needed to leave for their own mental well being.
@@valeriehutchinson863 you should be ashamed of yourself for that comment.
At 63 years old, and having trained in psychodynamic therapy as well as having a degree (at 40 years of age) in psychology, I can tell you that I am insightful, aware and and extremely emotionally intelligent woman.
Our daughter had a very healthy childhood and we were always close.
Don’t speculate because it is that very behaviour that causes the most trouble in the world.
That was complete projection. Clearly based on your on personal experience.
@@valeriehutchinson863 Guess who LOVES to tell others to "grow up"? NARCISSISTS!!
@@elizabethy2912 That's a Narc line for sure. And, "I'm not a perfect parent and my child wasn't a perfect kid either." And the old, "I said I was sorry for anything that hurt them." or said, "Sorry you feel that way." - if they even said that and call it a real apology that they expect should fix everything like they did before their child became an adult who said "I've had enough of your toxic BS."
This hits so close to home. Going thru this right now with my daughter. It is so painful😢.
There are toxic parents out there. Parents who lie, cheat and steal from their kids. My mother has serious mental health issues that she denies. The theft was real. Her always blaming me for her life failings was too much. Her trying to make me pay for her was too much. I haven't talked to her since 1998 and it was the best thing for me. There is pain for the child when they do this. Lifelong pain. But sometimes it's for the best
Dear
@laundrygoddess4 Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you, this must have been so difficult. Overcoming the trauma of toxic parenting is a lifelong process, I hope you are getting support or have had support. I understand how hard this was on you.
Thank you sooo much!! I feel relieved ❤ bcuz my now adult children is all I've really ever had but I now take accountability and respect my adult children not to say I agree with everything or will tolerate any disrespect but I just want you to know you've helped me in a major way GOD BLESS ✨🙌🏾
Thank you for writing. I am so glad you were helped!! Can you tell me what was most helpful please?
In my family system, my mother was an alienating force in order to stay at the center to dominate and control. Because I took care of my sisters as an older child, I became a kind of threat to my mother. She was never around and so I became a surrogate parent. This upset my mother and so she began heightening her false negative narrative about me being sick and immoral. She projected every last negative thing she felt about herself onto me -- including being mentally ill. She began a smear campaign of me with my sisters and totally destroyed how they saw me. She used me as an example of what she'd do to them if they didn't cooperate. She also did this to my dad. He died and it took us girls 15 years to get him a headstone we cared so little for him as a result of her alienating us. We were totally brainwashed. She is still highly effective at doing so.
I didn't have a mind of my own for years. So was very codependent. Terrified of life. So I allowed her to be around my children. Guess what she did. Yup, continued to dominate and control by smearing me to them. She used my sisters as flying monkeys. Today my daughter has drank the Kool-Aid and treats me like we did our dad. Alienation is serious mental abuse. My younger children have not been exposed to my mother as much. Because of the horrific things my daughter told my younger ones about me -- a narrative that grew in exaggerated facts all the time, they felt terribly hurt and now are mad at her. I encourage them to see her because I certainly do not want to be a part of division. But they felt objectified my son says and used as pawns to my mother. They felt like their older sister abused them with the smear campaign because for a while it confused them about who their mother is. They began to not trust me and rebelled for a while. I have been through years of therapy.
I have always allowed my kids to tell me what they have issues with me about. Always. It was important to me because of my own experiences with my mother. Another influence on my daughter is that when I had to leave my ex who was abusive, we left wealth behind. My sisters have wealthy husbands and so she is attracted to what she lost at age 12. Her lifestyle changed when I had to leave.
There is loads more, but too much for her. But off can become a family pattern according to Bowen's theory. That means if a child cuts off, it can happen to them also with their kids. Or it can happen to their kids. That is because it has a tendency to preserve rather than resolve the issues. So the next generation adopts them and must deal with them. Even if we are really happy with our kids, what is in our shadows comes out unconsciously. So it is not a decision to be taken lightly. There are vast consequences. It also tends to keep people in a victim's mindset and sometimes emotionally immature. I have experienced my own set of flaws, so I'm not criticizing. Just warning.
At 58 years old, I have connected the "Dots" as being the designated Scapegoat of the Family. My parents and a few other family members have been actively involved in Direct Felony Criminal Harassment towards myself for over 30 Years. I have decided only one outcome for myself therefore the "Irish Goodbye" will prevail in a desperate attempt to live a normal life. Good Luck to All.
It’s ok for children to go no contact with their parents not cutting them any slake but not for parents to do that. I call bullshit. We need to stop stepping softly and just let them go. We were a vessel to bring them here raise them and let them go we owe each other nothing. Life goes on.
Lols...darn that was a cold statement but real
@@sinceresong9907 when you have walked in my shoes then come for me. It may be cold but it is Iceland when your grown child decides to go no contact with no explanation giving you an opportunity to work on making things right. I was not a perfect mom, but I was a good mom. I gave, and lovely wanted to because being a mom was the best part of my life, only to be thrown away when I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and haven’t heard a word since that was 9 1/2 years ago. So slip into my shoes and then tell me I’m cold.
@@sinceresong9907 I didn’t mean to be rude to your comment. But I am 9 years no contact this time, I finally had to let her go, the hurt is crippling, affected my health, I went through breast cancer, stage 4, and my mental health was shot. I was at my lowest point and it didn’t matter if I woke up or not, I realized I had to let it go so I could live!when these things happen the child doesn’t know or care to know how it is affecting you, she didn’t even give an explanation. Crazy thing is she lives 15 minutes from me! My hopes for her are that she is happy, thriving and knows I love her no matter what snd I will till I die.
@@terrikaye12114 Listen( my comment was a bit ambiguous...I'm in full support, gone through similar. My heart goes out to you...its your time, rest and recuperate, enjoy the time you have left.
I’m totally over this issue 👋
Outrageous selfish brat…
At 70 I ran completely out of forgiveness along with patience … She is dead to me now…!
#2 is my situation ..My daughter's , In laws is controlling my daughter , which make her frustrated and take it out on is , now she make her cut ties form us . Nearly 3 years no contact .
It hurt so much for us .
Thats Terrible
It's such betrayal
My mum is married to the man who molestered me as a child. Never apologised. I’ve always been kind and loving to my mum. But now I’m 40 I just can’t live in such denial.
Thank you for sharing. I'm hoping you have someone helping you process this?
There is less drama after accepting being cut off. There was starting to be so much drama with the person who initiated the event that started their cut off.
I only want my grown children to visit me...if they WANT to. There's nothing worse than a " forced " visit.
My son does come....my daughter not so much. Its been 3 1/2 years since she's been here. She was fine until she moved in with her in-laws.
I just hope she never has to feel the hole in her chest if, and when her daughter grows up to follow suit.
Praying for sanity in Indianapolis
You parents are selfish. You get to live out your fantasies with your young children now you both get to live in the nightmares you have created for them. Half these people having kids dont even qualify to be parents, but hey its your world we just live in it. You wanted a minnie you that you had full control of, not thay you have lost that control you wanna play victim.
How often do you try to go see them? They shouldn't have to go see you.
@@timothysommers4863 i no longer drive
From what I have seen up close, it’s usually selfish kids who resent a world where everything isn’t handed to them. Hold them accountable for anything and they’re out….. triggered and forlorn.
Thank you for your perspective.
It just seems like even if you were absolutely perfect as a parent they still blame us.
Hi Annmarie, yes it feels like that. It is common for people to blame each
other. Parents seem to get blamed at times unfairly.
Very informative information thanks for sharing.
The generation today vare not as caring as our generation
Caring? More like not as toxic and putting up with toxic behaviour. It's called breaking generational cycles.
Thank you. This is helpful. I appreciate that you didn't just say "these young people are entitled."
On the issue of money, you presented it as solely being the adult child expecting or feeling entitled to money from the parents. My own experience, and I think the experience of many first or second generation children of immigrants, is that it is the parents who expect to be financially supported by the child despite toxic upbringings (which the parent doesn't usually view as toxic in the first place as maybe that's the culture or how they were raised).
let them go and be strong. Enjoy your time. They come back when they need you.
Self preservation.
Thank you for your insight. There seems to be an epidemic of adult, educated, successful children who want an early inheritance. No matter how generous you have been it is not enough. Bullying to sell your home and buy what they want, making up stories as to how they were " victimized" by parents who took them as small children on vacations or cultural events, concerts, zoos etc where the parents wanted to go, blaming parents for their college majors when it was 100% paid for by parents and areas of study up to them, making huge issues and abuse accusations over one time events like clean out your messy drawer, I could go on. This actually started when a son in law entered the picture and complained I didnt have enough family photos in my living room like his mom! The complaints are so petty, endless, and now stonewalled, gasliit, and exaggerated to their friends, etc. It has even infected my grand children. Until very recently I continued to send texts on bdays, holidays, etc No replies! This insanity has caused me physical, emotional distress. There is so much more I am ready to cut the chord. My drs have told me this is not unusual. Many thanks.
Hi Cheryl: yes, so much pain and discomfort.
I’m going on a few things you wrote here. Is it possible your adult child crossed boundary that weren’t clearly defined? Idk. Just curious
THERE IS NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER FOR CHILDREN TO ABANDON THEIR PARENTS UNLESS THEY WERE HORRIBLY HORRIBLY ABUSED. DISTANCING AND TOTAL ABANDONMENT IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. THERES NO EXCUSE FOR THE WAY MOST CHILDREN TREAT THEIR PARENTS.
I have four grown sons,and we are fine. And we are fine because we don’t suffocate them,and we always encourage them. We have always told them to take the best parts of their childhood,and do better than we did in other areas. We know we weren’t perfect….And we acknowledge that. Strong discipline,hand in hand with encouraging love,and you cannot lose. And P.S. Money is something earned. Not given to buy someone,or to hold over someone’s head for “ POWER”.
@katiefoster6624 You're absolutely right!
Define “horrible”.
Something tells me you were "only a little abusive" defined as more than "a little" by your children. Trust me, they were and are hurt significantly by you.
@@Julia-b9x You're comment screams anger & delusion! How many quack psychiatrists or therapists did it take to plant the belief in your head that you're a true victim? And...to get you to pronounce definitively, that a mere stranger's child has been a victim of narcissistic abuse? From where do you believe that you draw that kind of authority?
I mean, a lot of parents refuse to take accountability and behave as though they are perfect parents who never did anything wrong. This is the case with my parents, who I haven’t spoken to in years. My mother was highly reactive and sometimes violent towards me, she would slap me around and one time even beat me with her fists, and her favorite thing to do was to kick me out and then coerce “forgiveness” out of me before she would allow me to have a roof over my head again. Then she put me in a shed in the backyard with no heat or air and no plumbing and would lock the door on the house at night, and acted like that was doing me a favor.
I went no contact in 2019 after she demanded I travel across the country to come see her for Thanksgiving. I explained that I would lose my job, as those were blackout dates. It’s like it went through one ear and out the other. What she wanted was more important than my ability to support myself, so I cut her off. I’ve been told that she now posts on FB about how “God has removed people from her table”…girl, I removed myself, God didn’t do that, and it’s quite obvious that she will NEVER wake up and take accountability.
Adult children do not just up and cut off parents. There are always reasons. Some of y’all are acting so baffled and innocent, and it’s the same song and dance my parents do.
Hi
@auggiet8380 : Thank you for writing and sharing your story here.
I am so sorry this happened to you. To your point, some parents do not take responsibility and have accountability for their actions, and then there are many who do. I agree with you that adult children put a lot of thought into removing themselves from the relationship. Do you think if a parent does take accountability and does the work to change, that reconciliation is possible?
I went years with trying to figure out what it was! "It" wasn't until I was in my '50s that I discovered my parents were both narcissists! My mother was especially cruel to me and tried this behavior on my children-- They both separated from her years before I did! It was my daughter who told me that Grandma was a narcissist and I should avoid her! She explained to me that narcissist people do not respond the same way others do. They don't have the ability to see anything as their fault, They play the victim and are master manipulators! Bingo! My parents were not nurturing parents whatsoever! I tried to hold on to what it was they had to offer- abuse manipulation and disrespect! The day I went no contact was the most freeing day of my life! I suppose if you call what they did to me love, then I would rather be alone! If God is as powerful as I know He is, I will put it in His hands! He too has enemies! Living MY best life!