How Long Does Parent Child Estrangement Usually Last? (What Reconcilers Did) | Ep.77
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- Опубликовано: 21 сен 2024
- Are you wondering how long parent child estrangement usually lasts? In this video, I am going to share 4 factors that influence the length of estrangement.
Parents of estranged adult children experience grief over the loss of the relationship. Many worry tirelessly about when their kid will see them again. Parents look for reasons and answers so the pain will stop. The average length of estrangement is four and one-half years.
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SHOW NOTES / RESOURCES:
○ Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:
I'm giving away a copy of my eBook on the topic here → morinholistict...
○ How Long Does Parent-Child Estrangement Usually Last? (article) → morinholistict...
RECOMMENDED READING:
○ Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman → amzn.to/3uRh4OH
○ Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl A. Pillmer → amzn.to/3AVWttQ
○ Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective by Kylies Agllias → amzn.to/3gkBwz0
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LINK TO VIDEO: • What Makes Parents Cut...
DISCLAIMERS:
ESTRANGEMENT AND ABUSE: When considering the possibility of reconciling with an emotionally and or physically abusive great care is required. Reconciling may only be possible if the abuser is willing to work with a family therapist. When there is abuse, individuals estrange out of necessity and self-preservation. Consider if it is safe to resume a relationship with an abusive family member without evidence that the abuser has changed or takes responsibility for their harmful actions.
RESOURCES BY STATE ON VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN:
www.womensheal...
ncadv.org/reso...
National Domestic Violence Hotline - www.thehotline...
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I’ve reached out on a few occasions. It’ll be 8 years this summer . I still cry most days for my son
Hi Mia: I'm so sorry this is going on. I hope that you are getting support for your grief. Sometimes we just need someone to come along side us and help us through. We don't stop missing them but the sting of the loss of the relationship status gets less painful as we move into acceptance. Please let me know how you're doing. Warmly, Marie
This is the cruelest most awful thing any child could do to their parents. There’s absolutely no reason for it unless parents are abusive. You should not punish your parents for imposing boundaries, that’s called parenting. My 18 year old daughter went no contact on us. We have sacrificed so much for her. This is absolutely devastating and unjustified. Both me and her father don’t stop crying. It feels like bereavement. How can you be so heartless and ungrateful to the very people that love you the most.
@@unaraggionavera Exactly! I'm 71 and my 31 year old girl stopped talking to me for 2 years now, over a lie someone told her about me. She won't tell me who it is. I NEVER thought she would do me like this now that I am old and need her help. I struggle just to cut my grass. I am all alone now. I raised my girl to be a Christian and it hurts so much. Some days I'm just ready to see Jesus. I feel I will die before I hear from her.
Very sorry Mia for your pain, and I can say I know how it feels, as for us too it was 6 years for us this past April and it feels like such a death sentence going to bed and waking up with the same pit in our stomachs day in and day out, so I can relate to your pain and I’m sorry. We love our son’s very much and now time is just passing us by - but we please need to try and be strong Mia, for our family that loves us dearly.
Here is my Mantra that I made when my son 1st left. I hope it can give you some sort of hope too as it does for me.
“Where Hope grows Miracles Blossom” 💙🙏🏼
Please don’t loose hope Mia, even though every passing day is so sad and heart wrenching for us we cannot loose hope. Sending you hugs and Prayers for the return of our son’s.
🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼✨
@@martna1 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Some things in life are so hard to understand. My advice is to quit spending so much time grieving and get busy living. Volunteer, babysit, and help out others. It will keep your mind off of the hurt for a while. There are so many others out there that would love your attention, hugs, and laughter. Don't waste the rest of your life wishing things were different. This may be your new normal. Try to get involved in your neighborhood and your community. You are very much needed. XX
I love my adult children enough to let them go if they want to go. Still love them very much, just, at a distance. I spent so many years trying to get the love & acceptance from my parents. I won't go through that with my children, trying for them to love me if they don't.
I did my job well. All 4 are educated, happy, kindhearted adults. Only one of them stays in touch so I lavish my love & care on her. Being happy for who I do have instead of crying about what I don't have.
Life is but a short season, better to be happy.
Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your love and acceptance for your children and their decisions. I agree, life is a short season!!
I would have probably loved you if you were my parent. I like your attitude.
@@lifesabeach9451 Thank you for your kind words.
I'm coming up on 10 years. I still can't believe this is my reality. My soul has been crushed.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Denialism is a key reason for a lot of estrangement. Maybe work through that and accept reality.
Same here. I'm so sorry. I know how it really sucks.
Best thing you can do as parents is move on with your life. Why grieve over a selfish adult child who cannot talk out their grievances. Estrangement is a cowards way out. Move on and live your life to the fullest.
So in agreement. At this point; I have come to realize they aren’t even a person I would want to be involved with if there was a “reconciliation.” Any person, regardless of blood relation, is what they do, not just say. So over the bullshit and have happily moved on and not looking back, nor do I want to.
Ty for your validating comment. It took me 5 years to process & begin this change of attitude.
Been 5 years with my only son and we had no relationship problems until he started dating a multi- millionaires daughter. I never met her or knew their financial status until he got married and excluded me, his excuses were some made-up childhood BS about me never caring and making him a priority. I would not entertain his mental exercises and disconnected from the last communication with him, but I did end by telling him I loved him. I will never beg someone to be part of their life, PERIOD!
Indeed
You are soooo right. We have lived them, dine everything for them, only to treat us like rubbish. It hurts but as parents, some of us do our best....
I have gone 100% zero contact after reaching out several times. The last time was at my mother's funeral. I just told my daughter it would be nice if she called. That was 3 years ago. I actually feel better not being around her and her disrespectful husband. He told me to shut up in my own house. Things went downhill really fast from there. My daughter has gone from being a fireball to a complete mushball since she has been married. We never had a perfect relationship, but never this bad. I take care of me now.
Yay good for you. Not
@@lisac8509 Well that is not very nice!
@@lisac8509haha right thank you this woman is so full of crap 😂😂😂
For someone who hasn't spoken to her for a year, you sure got a lot of shit to talk. 😂 She's better without you too.
Good for you! That's what I'm doing now because no one deserves the abuse. And I pray for my daughter an grandchildren.I also went to therapy an was told I deserve peace.
You know that inheritance you were going to leave them? Enjoy that money with beautiful experiences with people that actually like and respect you
Or spend it on paid caregivers in your final decade because your adult children aren't going to help you.
Leaving my assets to my grandchildren who had no part of this estrangement.
Thank you. I have 3 adult girls. Estranged with 1 for 3.5 yrs now and 6 mos. With youngest one. This young one said things wouldn't be ok until her father died... 🙄 so.... we live 300 miles away ... we all live far away from each other.
I'm working on my new life: a time of mourning for now. I am sure we shall never see each other again.
Having had a family is part of my past.
I'm working on peace for my last years. I'm 69, and hoping God gives me a long life to be able to enjoy my last days around here. Thank you again.
Mistake. Im in Mexico 600 kms south of Texan borger. Ale is 41 and is is San Antonio with my 3 grandkids.
Luisa is in Main.... i meant to put 3,000 kms but missed a zero. SORRY.
She too has given me 3 grandkids. Luisa is pushing 36.
They are beyond adulthood..... and they are old enough to see and hang around with whom they will.
If its the dark evil people they want, its their chooice.
I choose people who love TRUTH AND PEACE.
Still in mourning, but Christ sustains me.
After all that I have been forgiven, i am compelled to forgive all the narcs & evil that has surrounded them.
I DO wish I'd been aware years ago.
Now it's God's job to heal everyone, to those who are willing
@@anamagdalenaharpertinajero3876Are you using your children's real names on the internet?
It will last as long as you refuse to change or honestly address their concerns. It’s entirely up to you, and you’re choosing not to see them.
@@anamagdalenaharpertinajero3876aaah, I was just waiting for the crazy cult stuff after you used that eyeroll emoji. they're wise to stay away
@@weirdwilliam8500How will I know what their concerns are if they won’t talk to me?
I was sad and felt a lot pain when I wanted to get respected or decent behavior from adult children. Now I am happy to make me happy and let go of my desires from other people who I can't control.
I finally accept them as they are. Their silent treatment doesn't bother me any more. My life is too short. I became a my own parent and a daughter who give full support and unconditional love. My happiness is Not other person's hand. I am free from pain.
I don't believe you.
@@lukes5631you made cuz your parents don’t care either?
Maybe they reflected back to you the respect you display.
Your discontent is in the expectations of others. They have no obligation to you. You're not entitled to a relationship.
The most freeing emotional event was when I told myself, "I don't need them!" I don't need to constantly walk on eggshells every time we were together. I don't need to listen to my sons and their wives fighting about everything. I have a wonderful life without their revilement. I tried everything to hold open the communication. I regularly and needlessly apologized when they couldn't tell me what I had done wrong. I always bit my tongue and tried to be super accommodating when they couldn't handle life with maturity. I am too nice of a personality - and I let people walk all over me. Well, no more! Screw them! I don't need them. THEY NEED TO LEARN TO BEHAVE LIKE ADULTS.
So when they disrespect you repeatedly ,yr after yr, no empathy , so apologies ..ect. We as parents are suppose to accept it and allow it ? NO. Boundaries go both ways. I disagree with lots of these videos.
Oof, I understand why they cut you off.
Do everyone a favor and hold on to those boundaries.
@@theodorerooding3536 cruelity is always the response of the entitled child who refuses to grow up.
@kathbates9878 it seems like you're more interested in controlling others than living your best life. Embrace your boundary and do you.
More importantly, quit interfering with grown adults living their best life.
@@kathbates9878 Lots of us 'children' grow up but our parents won't acknowledge us as adults and pretend they are super-adults by thinking they are the arbiter of who is and isn't mature which is as childish as it gets. "I'm mature because I say so and you're beneath me because you're 'immature'." Child - "And what am I doing that's 'immature'?" Parent - "You're immature because I say so." Yeah... That's when you get dumped. Grow up yourself.
@@ellyk8834 re read your response for the adult responses. Comparing and expecting and blaming are not healthy adult responses. also insulting me because you don't agree is childish. Noone said parent are all adults. No one is all or nothing but abandoning anyone for not being who you WANT or expect or think you deserve is childish and immature. What do you mean when you say they won't acknowledge you as an adult?? does that mean that you have the right to act like a child? Comparing for justification and responding with a 'grow-up comment is not taking care of self, healing self or growing up and being an adult. If you parents won't acknowledge you as an adult, what is a good thing to do???? BE an ADULT. Disengage and stop giving your power away by punishing them. If you are the adult, teach them, show them, love them, unconditionally for being HUMAN and trying. stop the competition of who is right and learn to compromise. It is a very immature thing to say because I said so.. Have you heard the terms that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?? they can't teach you what they don't know so teach with love and kindness and stop expecting what they don't know how to give, Or even think of, because you come from different lives and experiences. Grace, acceptance, kindness is what you expect, give it then.
I know a few people who cut off parents because of manipulative influences from other people, but one of the parents or other significant loved ones died. When the child came around, he or she was devastated. Its tragic for everyone really.
Yes narcissistic parents turn the children against the loving empathetic part using manipulation, lies and false narratives- basically brainwashing.
Life is too short for alienation. If all parties are practicing believers and loving, praying to God for reconciliation can happen. With God all things are possible.
This is my biggest fear 😢
I know people like that too. It is tragic. A lot of the kids are victims of manipulation and of course, faulty thinking. When they come around it can be extremely traumatic that a loved one died.
My daughter has been estranged from us for over a year while she "works some things out." Meanwhile, my wife has cancer and dementia. I worry about what my daughter will feel if she never sees her mother again.
As a parent Ai say Let them go! Do for yourself whatever that maybe. Let them go and live your life. You have done enough for them. Will they retaliate. Maybe they might keep a grandchild or grandchildren from you. That’s on them. Don’t think that those grandchildren won’t wonder why and as they get older will make their own choices.
I'm so in agreement with you. We have done our best and im sorry it's not enough.
My eldest son cut ties with me 5 years ago on the advice of his wife. I have moved on and have a great relationship with the other 2 children and their spouses. I have developed cancer and don't know where it will take me. I have written him and his family out of my will and I still feel it is the right thing to do. I paid $75 000 to my eldest son to sustain their standard of living while he finished his engineering degree. When he graduated got a job dil couldn't figure out how to life within her means and asked for more. I put my foot down and told them no more. Thats when the call came and I was eliminated. 😊
down. Their children don't know me and I have learned to unlove them. I don't cry anymore don't grieve anymore. He heard I was sick and called his sister. He refers to me on my first name....probably worries about an inheritance. Yes, his wife wants my jewelry...the audacity.
@@maggiei.6378Then you leave all of that to someone else. It is what I am in the process of doing.
*You're goddamned right I kept the kids away from them! Why would I EVER expose my kids to the toxic scum I worked so hard to escape from. I'm a grandfather now myself, and I am the only one in the family who knows that they didn't die when I was six. No parents because they're dead. No questions when there's no mention of the parents. If I found out that someone had gone behind my back too introduce one of my children or grandchildren to one of my parents - even under the "cover" of an anonymous family friend, I would put them in the hospital to drink through a straw for the 18 weeks they were itching in their body cast.*
@@AnonymousSquirrel123 I can feel your anger from your comment… it’s a type of rage that can only come from having abusive family members.. I feel your pain and you are not alone
I just realized that my estrangement from my father estranging me has been lifetime. I did not realize that until the last year of his life, he asked me to come to a restaurant for coffee. I was thrilled we met at the restaurant. We sat down and had a little busy talk, and then he said why he called me to have coffee, he asked me if I knew what the biggest mistake of his life was. I have course was so interested because I tried to have a relationship with him, my whole life, but he’s always pushed me away. He looked at me, and very firmly said the biggest mistake of my life was having children. And on his deathbed, he still pushed me away. After all this time (15 years) I finally realized that’s called estrangement. As you can tell by my descriptors, I am referring to him is still around. I worked my whole life to please him and earn his respect, and it never came and of course, now I realize why. He simply resented me being in his life. Your videos on estrangement have been powerful to help me realize I’ve lived under that stress and blame myself for it when truth be told, the man never wanted me in his life. I now realize the blessing that I can have is a guilt, free freedom from a man who despised me instead of a life long attempt to please him even his memories. Thank you so much for your work. Keep up the great work you’re a true value.
That’s so sad, Stan. About him saying that to you. I’m glad you’re working through it and living guilt free.
Simular with my hather
I recieve 2 video by newest sister
He didn't recognize me 30+no contact
I told him my name and he asked for my brother immediately
Both times
That’s really sad.
This is exactly how I feel with my mother. I try and try and she always brings something negative out into the conversation that happened 20 yrs ago and she recently did it again at my nieces wedding in Nov. I very rarelly talk to her now and I just don't care anymore. She wants to come to my son's graduation and I really don't want her to . She has to fly on a plain from Texas to Colorado w/my sister and I just really don't want her here because I'll always be on gourd the whole time she's here. I hate it for both of us but I can't take her stuff anymore and she's 73 and I'm 51. This has been happening since she adopted me back when I was 7.
I do think that some people are manipulated into cutting off family. I have witnessed this happening in my family. The young adult in a romantic relationship, who has cut off all family and friends. A controlling partner. Very sad and worrisome. But good to learn pointers on how to go forward in this type of situation. Remember self care- excellent advice.
As someone who's currently no contact with my mom, i think this video is full of excellent advice.
Estranged parents need to accept that children dont go no contact for no reason. While in some cases it might not be solely their responsibility, in many cases it is. Even setting aside a scenario where the parent bears the plurality of blame, concluding that you did nothing wrong and can therefore do nothing puts you in a powerless position as a parent. You should instead believe that this is an opportunity for you to learn and grow as a person.
I dont think anything my mom did to me will ever be ok, but i might actually answer when she calls if she took accountability and demonstrated remorse.
Children DO cut off their parents for no reason. That's the horror of it. My sister cut off my parents and they did not deserve it in any way, shape or form.
@@Squiddogg Trying to speak on your sister's behalf is not helpful and downright disrespectful.
@@lukes5631 My son cut me off because of his wife, she only likes millionaires.
and what if the child refuses to say what you did wrong? What if after years of sarcasm and ridicule and name calling you, the parent bursts into tears and they take that as a reason to cut you off. You dont know what has happened but that you have been manipulated into giving them an excuse to cut you off. Am I to apologise for being upset?
I saw my daughter 7 1/2 years ago when she came down looking for an inheritance from her father. He left everything to me. She wasn’t happy. This has been going on for a lot longer than that. When we cut off the money when she was her mid 30’😮s (she’s almost 58 now) we became useless to her. After many years and an ocean of tears I’m done. Too much water under the bridge! I’m perfectly okay with never seeing her again!
When are the counselors going to require “children” to mature into functional adults!!! This narrative of always trying to figure out what the “adult” child needs is crippling society. Perception is the same as a lie…when dealing in relationships. I want to hear from the counselor that requires an adult child to learn to cope with difficulties, in all relationships. Todays kind of counseling is emotional hostage taking. Even if the child or parent are truly challenged in communication s or emotionally ill equipped. The reality is to “cope” ! Requiring others to change is none of our business…ever! When you teach an adult child to remain childish, the solution also remains childish!
I agree 1000% with you!
No person should have to deal with a toxic parent. No contact is the way to go.
@@krobbins5302 Most of the time, the adult child realizes how short and precious life is and that they wasted many years on revenge and retribution instead of forgiveness and resolution.
Fabulously well said!! There is a huge growing trend on social media backed up by the endless counsellors that if you feel insecure it must be your mother. The new family is the one on social media and we all had bad families.
@@krobbins5302and equally, no parent should have to deal with toxic, narcissistic, controlling children…😉
Two days ago, I confronted my father about his toxic treatment of me. He responded with projection and told me that I have anger management issues. I told him that he has narcissistic issues and that he takes them out on me. He then told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my name. I always knew there would some sort of fallout if I ever dared to tell him about being narcissistic but wow! I'm hurt by it but strange as it may sound, I feel a real sense of relief.
That's absolutely brutal. And the worst part is that we can't know if our parents are doing it because they are genuinely narcissistic and are okay and content with reacting in these ways, or.. if it is some deep projection that won't allow them to take ownership. Either way is hurtful.. I think we as the child wish it to be that they deep down understand or feel something and it is just them 'acting out', and we hope it is not them simply being truthful and genuinely rejecting us.
I feel for you. That's a terrible experience to have and is by no means a reflection of you. Truly, I am sorry for this experience you had with your father.
My father is a monster. I understand, in my own way. You did the right thing. Your mental and emotional health is more important than. Bless you.
Grow up honey.
@@MarilynLoftin you sound like someone who's kids left them for a very good reason
It doesn't matter if you were a great parent sometimes when they marry someone who only wants her side of family around and they go along with it ! Not much you can do about just hope they are happy and get on with it !
I wish someone would talk about how the adult child can cope with parents who couldn’t have cared less about the estrangement. It’s extremely hard to listen to people talk about “how much the parents are hurting.” Mine aren’t. Not at all. Not about losing me. Not about losing two grandchildren. When I brought up my concerns, and my CPTSD diagnosis, their reply was, “ We parent the way we parent, and we grandparent the way we grandparent. It’s too bad you can’t be grateful. I guess it’s just more time and resources for us to give to our harmonious grandchildren.”
There’s just no coming back from that.
As a parent it can be quite tricky to explain to adult children that you just don’t like them very much and can’t stand being in their company.
We should be friends. I’m dealing with the same.
@@supertuscans9512lol, I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
Pathetic, monstrous breeders.
@@supertuscans9512 your kids are better off without you
Ok stop. You're out of the loop. I never did these actions. I let my kid have his space. It's been 24 years. I never wrote letters or anything like that. Some adult kids are just no good. Period. Oh well. That's life.
Lol.
I've been no contact for 10 years and limited contact before that. My dad says he has no idea why I went no contact. He also fully admits that he would 'knock some sense' into me as a teenager, and that was okay because I turned out fine. Sorry Dad, you're a child abuse- not the victim. How many of these parents whining their kids went no contact were just as abusive as my dad.
Every single one. It’s so interesting to see none of them take accountability.
I’ve never seen or heard an estranged parent acknowledge that there’s a legitimate reason their child wants nothing to do with them.
I mean, even if your child turned out to be the worst human ever, guess who played a part (by being present or NOT) in them turning out that way? You, their parent.
But no. After the children choose estrangement parents are just confused victims. Boo hoo!
Precisely. It's like the dive bar where all the loser drunks whine about how unfair everyone is to them.
My daughters 17 and 20 have been estranged since Xmas eve 2022. I am so happy to have found your videos. This is exactly what I needed. Everyday is a struggle and wondering when if they will return. Thanks
This seems a great way to connect with other parents going through the same. It's just so unfair how they punish us and don't understand. We gotta stay positive, though, and keep the faith that they'll come back.
What did u do to them. U parents never say what u do
Wow, those kids must have endured serious abuse. I hope they find a better life. They're already starting strong. Cutting out delusional toxic people is tremendously beneficial.
I wish them all the best, and hope they never deal with that abuse again.
@@sonyareyes1000As long as you keep insisting that you’re the real victim and nothing about your behavior needs to change, you won’t see them again. You’d rather feel perfect than ever see your kids, and your kids understand that clearly.
I am heartbroken with the estrangement from my oldest daughter. I made bad life choices that affected her. The more I try to make it all better, the worse I make it. It’s like I am missing a limb. So depressed.
I relate so much to your comment. The past year since my daughter went no contact I too am so depressed. I’ve prayed trying to give it to God STILL I am not moving forward. From gaining 50 pounds to crying most of the day. Wondering the why n what ifs, if only? I know I was not the perfect parent, I failed with many choices in my past. I wasn’t there in the way my daughter needed me in the most vulnerable times in her teen years. The guilt now is overwhelming and now my heart is completely shattered. Everyone says I am shackled to the memories of what once was and yes I am because I never intentionally meant to hurt my daughter. She was n still is my EVERYTHING ❤ I am so sorry for your heart right now n will remember you in my prayers 😢
How do you try to make it better? I’m an oldest daughter who cut my mom off. What she can do to make it “better” (she can’t ever really completely fix it because the things she did caused so much damage that can’t be undone) would be to take accountability for hurting me, to hear my heart, and acknowledge that she played a significant role in that, and to feel remorse and sadness for causing me such pain. I want her to feel what I felt as I grappled with all of the loneliness and trauma that she inflicted upon me. She’s not accountable though, and she never will be. She thinks only of herself.
Your story is much like mine. Sending you hugs🫂@@lisabaeskens4941
Your story is much like mine. My heart is broken and missing my girl. She just turned 23 in June. Sending you love🫂❤🫂@@lisabaeskens4941
When boundaries have been disrespected ,you must disengage from a toxic parent,My toxic parent is controlling ,invasive and non communciative,.Time helps to heal your spirt and gives you a chance to put things in perspective. 🙏 🙏 ❤️ ❤️....
Respectfully, I am confused how your parent can be both invasive and non-communicative at the same time?
@@youtubeuserthinkerstop gaslighting!
@Trixiesongzxoxo Don't be ridiculous! I asked a respectful question. How on earth is that gaslighting? Because I questioned the narrative? The world has gone mad.
@@Trixiesongzxoxoclarification is needed. Chill.
@@TrixiesongzxoxoSerious question NOT meant to be an insult: Do you have Autism? I ask because I know it well AND I see many of the adult children who are alienating their parents have Autism. I am not implying that u alienated your parents. I suspect u have Autism given your “stop gaslighting” response. Do you?
I disagree- it is becoming Very socially acceptable to estrange from the parents! Most of the time it is the Therapist telling the adult child to do so instead of encouraging family therapy. In my case, there was ABSOLUTELY NO WARNING! Living within 5 miles of my daughter and 2 grandsons (1 of whom us grandparents helped raise for over 10 years) I was there in an instant, whenever asked, no matter what- gave my life happily for everyone and all my grandchildren- Suddenly w/o any questions, or ask for a sit down, no communication- one moment just cut ties. This is not ok. I never questioned her parenting, always asked her thoughts, built her up, helped in any way always! Just lack of communication skills and builds unhealthy relationships. Their Giving ultimatums, judging, and not getting along is what is toxic here. Society has accepted Resentments and Bitterness, ! That is what is causing this epidemic of CRUEL CUT OFF WITH PARENTS. So sad. The pain is almost too much, but I give it to my Lord who suffered for me. 😢✝️🙏
I was just thinking the same thing. It appears to be the norm now. Did we give them too much? Not enough?
helped me certainly ! Rebecca (swedish living in France) 3 years since I had a word from my daughter. I have got used to the situation which means I dont cry floods any more but my life is not a whole life. I'm surviving while waiting for my daugther to get in touch with me.....
Rebeccs..I'm so sorry for you and know what your going through..I have two sons who no longer speak to me and have blocked me so I can't contact them.. its been four years and
no reason was given....I tell myself they are adults and no longer need me....but the pain is still there..this phonemon is happening world-wide and no one can explain why....
Moving on with your own life and love and care for yourself
@@mariankeller5852 I believe it's satanic.
@@marilynhoward4561it’s satanic to abuse your children and act like a victim when they leave 🤡🤡🤡
My daughter means the world to me, we did so much together, travelled, had fun, good times. When my grandson was born she asked me to be there with her, now she wont let me see him and she wont speak to me. My life is also not a whole life anymore but Im not waiting, Ive just accepted that the only relationship she offered me was one where she was allowed to be verbally abusive and I was not allowed to react in any way. Why did it change? Who knows? Ive asked what is wrong but.....no response
This is the cruelest most awful thing any child could do to their parents. There’s absolutely no reason for it unless parents are abusive. You should not punish your parents for imposing boundaries, that’s called parenting. My 18 year old daughter went no contact on us. We have sacrificed so much for her. This is absolutely devastating and unjustified. Both me and her father don’t stop crying. It feels like bereavement. How can you be so heartless and ungrateful to the very people that love you the most.
We feel the same. God bless you
Sometimes boundaries need to be set by adult children.
@@melissajkrebbs This road runs BOTH ways..as an adult daughter, mother and grandmother I know first hand what happens when boundaries are set in place. Separation is oftentimes necessary for mental health. It is not always only " the kids" who need accountability .
You sure do make a lot of assumptions. Could be a part of the reason why she left.
That sounds like something my psycho mom would say. I hope to never see that nutjob again.
Funny enough... When I poured my heart out to my mother, I was met with the silent treatment. There was no enquiry of why or how things had gotten this bad. I was the one who had to "call in for a family meeting". If they didn't have the courage or feel a moral obligation to deal with the issue, I don't know. In the end, I ended up being gaslighted and belittled.
Morin seems to describe a stronger and more interested parent. I wish I had that
My son at 15 told me family meeting’s are dumb and stupid.
He has now left for 6 years does not talk to us parents at all - started talking to his bro this year but for how long will this be for this time Til he shafts him again ?
His problem was he needed more privacy while living at home / ok so what’s the problem? We did all we could to provide for yu so yur 30 now what yu doing for yourself - we put yu threw college yu got a good degree and now yur 35 and yu got a great job and condo and yu don’t need us anymore now so maybe… just maybe, try calling us sometime since we both just about died in 2019 and 2021 which I texted yu but we are probably blocked 👍🏼
This is the life we are in right now. I’m 65 hubby 62 time is passing us bye…just come by and say hi son…!!
The kids today just are not like our generation at all and this all sucks for a mom & dad
🙏🏼🙏🏼
@@thanksagainforthetea💯
@@rosedecaro
...this may sound harsh but your entitlement is probably what drove him away
...be someone that people want to be around, but be yourself
...and when you do something for someone, if you have expectations of them after, make sure to tell them before :D
...sorry if this is upsetting,
work on being the best you,
..life is what we make it, to a degree
....we dont all get a happy ending
and fair or not that is just how it is....
I have made many mistakes and am far from perfect
...im a work in progress, and so are you.
good luck, I wish you well
That is what happened to me but the other way around. Silent treatment when I tell her how much I would like to fix things, no contact when I ask how things had got that bad. I was gaslit and ridiculed. I wish my daughter was more like you
I am the adult child of a toxic father. I am 30 years old. My 28 year old sister has been estranged from my father for years. I give him grace and patience because I know he is sad and alone. When I shared the news of my first pregnancy, he was negative and argumentative. I walked out. That was the last straw for me after dealing with his temper tantrums my whole life. He will never be welcome back in my life or my baby’s ever again. Because he chose not to change his ways and become safer for me to be around, he will now be estranged from both of his daughters.
Thanks for your numerous videos on Estrangement, it is amazing to see how many parents are out there who are on the same boat. I Agree with your approach to 99%, but is there one video out there that supports a parent's position who has given her best, and is now at an age where radical change is not possible. For me, it is a great challenge to (not defend myself) when my adult daughter is coming at me aggressively and finding pleasure in insulting me, guilt tripping me, blaming me for her state, there is a silver lining between 'owning-taking responsibility for ones actions and - or taking the blame , i.,e plead guilty'. As if it is a power game!!!!
Well functioning, successful adults seldom blame on their parents. The opposite ones have their own issues and blame on their parents. So, it is not just our side to blame. It is something to do with their disposition too.
I had to go no contact bc my parents are narcissistic. They don’t take accountability, played victim, gaslit, triangulated me, etc. It drove me to absolutely madness and they kept me sick. I’m so much healthier now. But it hurts.
Two days ago, I confronted my father about his toxic treatment of me. He responded with projection and told me that I have anger management issues. I told him that he has narcissistic issues and that he takes them out on me. He then told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my name. I always knew there would some sort of fallout if I ever dared to tell him about being narcissistic but wow! I'm hurt by it but strange as it may sound, I feel a real sense of relief.
My daughter left n moved out with people we hardly know a year ago. We haven’t seen or spoken to her at all she went no contact. She too at one point said we were Narcissistic. But as her Mother I had no idea that I was and I only wish I had the opportunity to tell her how sorry I was n that if there was a way to change I would to have the opportunity to support and be the parent she thought I wasn’t or should have been. I cry day n night n grieve her being gone. Now I see it was the best choice she could of made n see my wrongs. If only…😢
@@lisabaeskens4941. Heal and love yourself! You sound like you were a good parents because a bad parent wouldn’t care. When you free yourself from shame and doubt know that humans have free will and even your daughter can make her free will but free yourself from being shackled to her
My stepdaughter has recently screamed at me in front of her grandmother (92 yrs) and her step daughter (11 yrs) and son 4…She demands that her Dad leave me and let him know that she never wants to be with us with me there…This truly came out of no where…bottled up? My husband’s heart is broken. He is very depressed. We do not know what to do…
@@Szahra87 you're making a very stupid post hoc statement. many people do awful things and feel bad about it. that doesn't make them safe, or sane. This parent seems sincere but your statement isn't helping anyone
I’m an adult 57 y/o daughter of an 80 y/o woman. To answer the question of how long? -
Its difficult to pinpoint the moment of estrangement, as it slowly progressed. Our many reconciliations failed, as my mother didn’t want to discuss any of the painful and reoccurring issues/hurts that continually resurfaced.
But after my mother asked why can’t I pretend for a just day that things are good, I felt I needed to chose self preservation. For me, it feels equally as terrible.
Not knowing where to begin, I’m finding this channel a great start in helping me sort through my thoughts,feelings and emotions. It has brought me new insights and perspectives.
I think it’s a great resource in addition to therapy/counseling.
Thank you for your help Marie!
"why can’t I pretend for a just day that things are good"
That right there is nothing more than "self" preservation. I'm sorry that you have had that experience. When a parent continually puts their own needs ahead of their own child's, that is a relationship that is fundamentally broken.
I have decided that I needed to grieve the loss of my daughter and grand daughter as if they died. Morbid, I know but I felt it’s necessary to move past this no matter how long it lasts.
Hi, I don't think it is morbid. I get it. Has your daughter gone no contact?
Yes
Really good point made : if your child asks for no contact, show them you are listening to them and acknowledging their very clear boundaries. My parents continued their abuse by ignoring me and my very clearly expressed boundaries....its definitely cemented the estrangement because even when things were that bad, they still refused to hear me and so still refused to understand how important respectful communication and validation was to the relationship even in estrangement. If only parents would listen to and acknowledge their children in the first place there would be far fewer estrangements. I do think parents sometimes continue the line of the relationship as it was when the child was little and couldn't escape or fully understand abuse, then when the child grows up, can escape and can see the abuse through adults eyes the parents wonder what happened because they just treated the child the same all the way through. Emotional literacy, or lack thereof, plays a huge part in estrangement. Thank you for saying estrangement is an act of self preservation. It really was to keep myself safe. When parents comment that kids estrange to 'punish 'them, we really get insight into how emotionally illiterate these parents are because they negate the childs experience entirely and how difficult it is to have to make that decision and just turn themselves into the victim. Narcissism also appears to play a huge part in estrangements.
Something very strange is happening.😢 and it's not good.
And sometimes the child turns themselves into the victim. These situations are rarely black and white.
Yes, I am sure you will be thinking that when you are looking at them in a casket.
I agree about the narcissism. My daughters’ father was a narcissist and both of my children seem to be as well.
Thank you for your video. We have been estranged for more than a year. I have the top two risk factors in play; divorce/separation and son/daughter in law influence. I have watched a bunch of videos and read a lot! I have read "Fault Lines" and researched as well. I appreciate that you break out the reasons, bring in the challenges and pain for the estranged adult child, and communication strategies for those of us who are the estranged parent.
What if you’re on the third estrangement, going on 5 years in - and the thought of reunification scares the heck out of you? I do not want a relationship with my estranged child. The heartbreak, agony walking on eggshells questioning my every thought, isn’t worth it. I wouldn’t let anyone treat me the way she did.
The pain is real. I know my son has a new family with his partner and i will never be good enough. My heart hurts, tears come often. I respect they have their life to live but i just wish i could be included a bit. As a single parent i did everything i could for them . On my strong days i think if you want nothing to do with me in life dont grieve my death or go to my funeral. I wish them a happy life.
Many adult children treat them self as young children, take fully advantage of their parents, they feel deserve everything from their parents, but shows no respect to their parents. They refuse to face the problem and just walk away, and estrangement from parents is not the way for their well-being and their own children.
Psychotherapists don’t believe in respect for parents because they feel they have no leverage. The idea that an adult child can disrespect a parent but a parent can’t ask for a child’s respect is crazy. Abuse these days is a word written in Silly Putty. One therapist said an adult child left his mother because she chewed gum in a restaurant in an odd way that bugged him. If an ac drops a parent because of their own problems and that’s okay with a therapist there’s something wrong with therapy. Most of these ac’s are not abused. I would never have imagined not being there for my parents’ welfare. It’s about compassion and forgiveness. Btw, Joshua Coleman left a child of his divorce in a worse condition financially and obviously emotionally (feelings of abandonment?) than his new children. So he had to beg for reconciliation. Some parents are innocent. Don’t put them in the abuse/abandonment bag. I still remember the facilitators who aided autistic children to type about their sexual abuse by family members. The facilitators actually thought they were helping but were guiding the fingers of the autistic typists. (From 60 Minutes from the late 90s or so?) There is great potential for damage with bad psychotherapy, something even Coleman says.
It is psychology that has introduced all the deviant and identity confusion of the day, that is upon us now!!! Now they are trying to get rid of the title…”pedophile” in the description of child molester! The advice on this video is BS
I like all your videos so far, but this one gave me a lot of hope talking about what the behavior and mindset were of reconciling parents and adult children.
My mother laughed at me when I invited her to my college and graduate school graduations. All of my friends had someone there for them. I had no one. Year after year that memory has gotten more and more painful. Every graduation season I have to see more and more photos of graduates posing with their parents. She wouldn’t tell me what I did to deserve this. I was the child who didn’t constantly ask for financial support. I was the child who did not lean on her. I was the child who never asked her for my inheritance. I was the child who did not presume her house and her l savings would one day be mine. I just wanted time with her. When I was in college and I came home to visit… driving 17 hours nonstop- back before cellphones. I would daydream
Of all the things we would talk about. And when I arrived, no hug. Just “Shhh…. John Macenroe is playing. Don’t talk until the commercial.” Year after year I planned Mother’s Day outings, which 90% of the time she canceled when I arrived to pick her up. sometimes kids become estranged because they do not feel loved.
FWIW,
I'm proud of you.
Follow your heart, be true to yourself.
You are free. Make life what you want. If you choose, you have the chance to discover love, having came from such a harsh place.
By cultivating love, and knowing what it feels like on the other side of a loveless relationship, you have the ability to truly make others feel seen.
I believe in you. 🙏
We have been estranged from my son and his family for 3 years. We have not been told why just that this is their boundary. The most painful part is that I have 2 beautiful granddaughters we have only been allowed to see once a year. We are very proud of all of them.
Are you able to ask them if they would either tell you or get a third party?
After reading the texts and answers.. the only conclusion to arrive at is an indifferent parent.. spouse or child is the worst relationship you can have ....an emotional bond is unbreakable and the pain it causes is far reaching or forever....even if you walk away or forgive...how sad 😥 😭😫
6 years since my beautiful 35 yr old daughter
has engaged fully with me.
I am heartbroken and missing ho w close we were prior to her twenties.
Thank you for speaking truth to power
Hi Janice: I’m so sorry this happened to you. You will get through this.
Be around those who love and value you!!
Let me know how you are doing.
*Four and a half years? I haven't talked to, asked about, or given so much as a single crap about my "parents" since 1973, and this was THE healthiest thing I ever did. In fact, it was such an amazing improvement in my life that I went so far as to get a professional "Sheepdipping" (full identity change, like in Witness Protection). I have made it almost 100% impossible for any accidental contact by moving more than 2000 miles away when I cut ties. I have a new name that has no connection (via unsealed court orders or SSN, etc.) to the name I had to haul around from my "parents" [I was an adopted child]. I kept no "backchannels" open whatsoever - I didn't even know that my "mother" had died in the middle 2000s until a few months ago. I have no idea if my "father" is alive or dead, and I could not care less.*
I feel sorry for you.
Sounds like you did your parents a favor. Well done, you.
That's fantastic! Congratulations to you. I'm sorry it took such lengths to feel safe. I can't imagine how horrible things were for you to take that route.
You deserve a great life. Enjoy!
@@janparish8055
You can feel whatever you want, but the fact remains it was THE healthiest thing I have ever done.
@janparish8055 if you get lucky thesame might happen to you😂 and the jacquil6718
i cope without my kids it's killing me i'll never have happiness ever again
Poor pitiful you. How's the martyr role working for you?
Okay, so I respect their wishes that they don't want me to contact them. But, we're being tested to see if I've changed when we do eventually meet. How do I know what I am supposed to change?
Are you still married to the biological father?
If you truly don’t know, it’s likely that it is they that need to change, not you🙏
If you have conditions that they are willing to meet . For example : with my sister I told her I have no interest in trying to reconcile unless it’s in the midst of a mediator or professional therapist setting .
A lot of these cases are triggered by the other parent, usually narcissistic who has alienated the child from you. There is nothing to apologise for. It’s a sad situation for both parties but in this situation the estranged adult child needs to realise how they’ve been emotionally abused by the monster under the same roof.
Mine will be for a eternity, i despise my mother...
Would you be willing to share why? No blame or judgement. Thank you
So far, 13 years I haven't seen my daughter. I tried to connect for 10 years, and then gave up. She never gave me a reason why.
I am also in your position but it's been over 12 years now and we use to b Soo close
Yes you do 😂😂
You know why.
You know why. Its just shame
Like Joshua Coleman and most others, you seem to put all they blame on the parents. It would be nice if someone would explore the other side of things, like estrangement that is due to the adult child's spouse or in-laws or other extended family members that have caused many problems over many years. It's not always the parents fault.
Your absolutely correct! Our son estranged from us , told us that his in- law family was different in a good way. Then after 7 years of marriage and 2 children he had an affair !!!
Had to leave his wife and daughters, AND now hates his in-laws!!! He needs to get it together and truthfully, don’t come back until you look in a mirror! He’s not a child, he’s actually a lawyer!!!
Who cares who the blame is put on? You the parent want the relationship more than they do so swallow your pride and do what is demanded to make amends
@@lorileon2816 It makes a difference because of where changes need to be made. If I truly did something wrong I need to change my behavior, apologize, etc. But if they threw me away because I refused to allow them to manipulate, abuse, and control me, then that is a whole different thing. It is not wrong to set boundaries to protect yourself from other people’s negative behavior. So it makes a huge difference to me what was going on and who was responsible for the problems. I won’t trade my health, safety, and sanity for their presence if it means being abused.
@@mimic98 continue living in fantasy land. You want the relationship more. Always remember that
@@lorileon2816 No, I don’t anymore. There will be some boundaries that they will have to agree to before I will ever trust them enough to even be alone in the same room with my husband or myself again. You need to look at yourself and stop making assumptions that everyone is as gullible as you seem to be. I will protect both of us from ever being victimized by them or anyone else ever again. The only reason they got away with what they were doing was that we were under huge stress and never dreamed they would betray us. Forgiveness is free, but trust has to be earned, especially after betrayal. I have forgiven, but I’m not stupid enough to trust them again until they earn it. If that doesn’t work for them, then I will continue to be sad at the loss, but they won’t just waltz back in like they did nothing wrong. I’m good with taking responsibility for my actions, and they will have to take responsibility for theirs. I miss them terribly, especially the grandchildren. But I will not be a victim of abuse again, not even for the grandchildren. It’s not worth the hell we have gone through and the fight to get healthy again.
Thank you so much for this. After bitter divorce my youngest son (2 brothers at college) went to his father’s one weekend and never came back. He was 16, now 21. Wants nothing to do with me. He won’t answer texts or pick up if I call so I just leave him alone. It’s a terrible grieving.
I’m finding the grieving very painful . My son cut me off when he was 17 . I watched out the window him walking to school as he was finishing that day . Never did I ever imagine my son would just vanish into thin air . He went missing for 6 months , he just turned up at my parents after 6 months . However it’s almost 8 years and he still don’t want to know me .
I'm so sorry Martha. It's just so sad. Please get support for your grief. Warmly, Marie
My 15 year old daughter did the same..leaving me and we were so close for years. She followed her sister who split from me when she was only 12 following a divorce. She was really pulled emotionally by her father. They are now about to turn 22 and 19. 9 years apart now for my older daughter and four for my youngest. It’s been the greatest heartbreak in my life but I’ve been doing what’s suggested and have focused on healing, self care/self love and becoming the best version of myself. I’ve grieved a lifetime of grief and have a lot of support and I’m finding peace at long last.🙏🏻
@@sheilasmallwood5461 I still can’t find peace . Almost 8 years I can’t get over it
@@Taylor23890i have been in the deepest depression for 4 years.....my youngest 20 years....blocked on everything....she met the wrong guy at 18 and a father and step mother.... I can't do anything...
I wish to reiterate what some researchers in estrangement say, which is most of the time the child has not been abused. There are other factors at play and many have to be explained in behavioral/psychological terms. One of the most common of adult children to estrange is the shy, good girl/woman, close to the mother and distant from the father. Because of the closeness of the mother and daughter the daughter will try to separate, can’t and will then reject, have contempt and anger then feel guilty, come back to the mother with the cycle starting up again. Many times she will try to replace the mother with the father and finding the relationship lacking. So how under circumstances like this can a child say they want to set up boundaries as a punitive move? I have a very successful nephew who has a father who didn’t understand him, was scared o& his success and intelligence and would make curdled jokes about him in front of him. The nephew will do anything to get his support and love. I have a niece whose mother had her husband tell the daughter that she was a disappointment because she wasn’t a cheerleader and popular like the mother was yet this was forgotten and the niece bought a house blocks from her mother when she could have lived on the other side of their city. She wanted her mother’s approval. I think many children who are coddled and unconditionally loved can’t separate because there was no “abrasion” between the parents and child. It’s not simply abut abuse or trauma or toxic parents. If the kid wants to separate by all means, let them go. The lesson is allow the kids to not be a part of the parent. I don’t think the problem is trauma. It’s too much love and involvement. Let the kid individuate. There was the silly feeling that we were trying to give our child a better life than our distant parents did for us. I think it’s rarely the toxic parent. Btw, I had a therapist who had a cocaine addicted/alcoholic mother who spent his adult years it seems trying to rescue her, even bringing her to live in his city , thousands of miles away from where lived, where she had younger adult children. He lived through abuse and neglect but did anything to get her straight and turn his mother into a mother. It’s the spoiled, coddled children of helicopter parents who turn.
Dear ES: Thank you for writing. There are studies that report on the experience of adult children that presents data of that states the majority of those who were estranged were either abused, betrayed, or had poor parenting. Would you please share the study you are referring to? Marie
I agree
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement So much time has passed I don’t know where I saw it. I’m not saying that many adult children who estrange were not abused or traumatized but to portray the parents as being the reason ac’s move away from them is simply so different than what I’ve read. If I find the specific book or report I found this in I will but the point is many children make mistakes in life - drugs, failed relationships, lose a job, etc - and want to say it’s the parent’s fault and not take responsibility as an adult for decisions they made. My goodness, to say it’s all abused or traumatized children that walk away is way too simplistic. I will try to find the report on the good, shy girl who can’t separate and so rejects. It is a much more psychologically complex issue than there are bad parents and good children and the parents deserve it. I think a lot has to with individuation. Again, I read a lot about this issue some time ago. I will try to find the data or what therapist said this where. Again, I was simply reporting to alternatives to what is usually offered as reasons. I do also remember the therapist who said the estranged son could only bring up in therapy that he didn’t like the way his mother chewed gum in a restaurant. Yes, there was probably something more behind this but all he could express was a general disapproval.
I do now remember one example. Would this fall under bad parenting.? The therapist who wrote the book The Rules of Reconciliation had his own experience with his adult daughter. She was a child of divorce and felt the second family had it better than she did even though he was an involved parent to her. So as soon as she could after she wasn’t dependent on him for financial support or whatever she stopped talking to him for a number of years bc the divorce made her feel as though the father’s better years - more money, more fame - were done with the second family and she was left out. And he had twin boys in the second marriage that he adored. Again, is that bad parenting? Because it certainly doesn’t fall under your other categories of abuse and trauma.
Also Lisa Birnbaum , I believe (author of bestselling book, Have You Thought About Seeing Someone?) had a podcast where she showed extreme sympathy for some parents, especially one on the podcast who was falling on her sword, apologizing, asking what she did wrong and the daughter would not budge. She was in the driver’s seat. Instead of the child needing the parent the parent needed the child and many seem to be saying no. I don’t recall any abuse being involved.
You just hit the nail right on the head!!! Exactly!
After 5 years of estrangement and the hell I suffered every holiday season and not seeing my estranged grandchildren grow up, the loss of faith and my beliefs destroyed. I don't ever want them back at this point.
Hi Pastor John: I'm so sorry you are going through this. My hope is that you find peace and comfort again. Warmly, Marie
I understand. I am dealing with the same feelings. I am not sure I could live through another heartbreak like this or all the drama again.
If you don't want them back, then why bother writing this message? You can lie to them, but you cannot lie to yourself.
Reality and beliefs don't mix.
Pick 1
2yrs. Can’t be around people! I will Always love her ❤️ Miss you every day
It’s 18 years since I talked to my son. He was a wonderful son, til he married, then I wasn’t good enough. She a narcissist, everything was my fault, she made me feel unwanted, lied about me, I will never allow anyone to make me feel like shit, my son disowned his sister,grandparents, aunts uncles, even our dentist. I cried a million tears, and I will never let them disrespect me again, I never want a relationship with them. Everyone loved him, and how he treated them. Grandkids I don’t know, we live a mile apart.
What made him such a wonderful son?
Ouch. Poor guy had to cut the umbilical cord as an adult.
As soon as he individuated himself and had some autonomy, he wasn't her good little boy anymore.
How disrespectful to grow up and have his own opinions.
Don't tolerate that lady! He either obeys and worships you or nothing. I'm sure that will serve you well. 🤡
@@lukes5631 He was a good little Scapegoat by the sounds of it... They love their goat until they flock off and then watch the anger. It's a lot of work to break in a new goat.
Who are these parents who miss thier adult children? Mine would be happy if I died.
Two days ago, I confronted my father about his toxic treatment of me. He responded with projection and told me that I have anger management issues. I told him that he has narcissistic issues and that he takes them out on me. He then told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my name. I always knew there would some sort of fallout if I ever dared to tell him about being narcissistic but wow! I'm hurt by it but strange as it may sound, I feel a real sense of relief.
@@timorthelame1 typical shit...the only thing my parents care about is how they look to others. That's all your father cares about either. They have told so many lies and will never admit they were wrong or apologize. I can't get my youth back and I accept that. An apology would go a long way. But I don't hold my breath and neither should you.
I like my peaceful life now. I'm okay with things staying like they are.
So am I.
There’s a selfishness that has gripped these younger generations to not see parents as people. They are taught that anything that is uncomfortable run from it period
And if my son's perception is inaccurate? Have u personally experienced estrangement?? Your advice is based on the adult child being correct in all w.ays.
its probably because u dont take any responsibility
@@flacan2020preach
My dad didn't want me married, so he broke windows out of my car and house. Found a marble in my sons crib.
He beat all his wives and kids. He killed neighbors and relatives dogs. I left Ca, and was the best for me. I've been a neurological mess my entire life. I found it's better to isolate myself because my youth still haunts me.
No. Forever. I wish my family well but I cannot afford to trust any of them ever again
I am estranged from my mother and father. Both of my parents are abusive and im glad i dont have them in my life
Out of interest what do you class as abuse??
How do you define abuse. If they aren't truly abusive, then that makes you the abusive one
I'm sure God is just protecting them from a hateful and spiteful person such as yourself. So go on down the road of life without them. They are better without you
Me too! Best thing I did for myself ❤
@marthamaxim5924 my Mom was a sadistic narcissist who "treated" minor injuries with scalding hot rags which made my skin blister then pulled the skin off with tweezers. She also sexualized me to my brother and my dad who both sexually abused me. Once she got blitzed and tried to teach me how to give head on my dad! My Dad criticized every achievement, told me I was fat so often I never realized I was seriously anorexic.
But if you ask them I promise they have No Idea why I left.
My son is 48 years old and we have been estranged for 2 years. As far as I know, there was no trigger. On painful relection I think this has been a long time coming.
I have made all the mistakes Dr Coleman mentions. I have now sent him an amends letter, two parsgraphs. The first is a heartfelt apology and the second thanks him for his love and care. I can do no more. My main concern is that I am nearly 88 years old (my son was a late addition, his siser and brother being 10 and 8 years older) and time for reconciliation is not on my side. Your video was very helpful andcI will replay it when I'm feeling particulsrly sad.
I’m estranged from both my parents because of the rampant abuse and neglect on both sides. My mother gets low contact. My father gets none. It’s not likely to change. A lot of videos on estrangement seem to only focus on the parent is the victim. I need to find videos that don’t vilify the AC. It does help that i’m not alone.
Parents have expectations of their children. Child do not have expectations of their parents - children are guided into what the relationship is by how their parents treat them.
There are parents who have never even asked their children "How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" but then expect their child to call them and ask after them and see how they are doing.
The lack of empathy and self awareness in the older generation is crazy.
@@lukes5631 agreed. It’s alarming
It's because this is a channel for estranged parents. It's so off-base...
Try the channel "Jerry Wise" or "Daniel Mackler"
@@azerty123qwi’m aware for this channel’s purpose, i was asking in general, as it seems to be a scarce topic. I will check those two out for sure, thank you!
Adult Child.... That's a contradiction in itself. Yes, they are adults according to their age and they are still children because this cutting off, with no explanation, is an immature attitude. The burden is to be on the parent! When has it not been!?! They are either children or adults, you can't be both!!
I'm confused. Can you demonstrate mature adult behavior?
Well, I like to use the word off-spring as it is an equalizer and implies both parties are adult. The problem is our parents are adults and we are too BUT our parents think they are superior adults - aka they still treat us like children by calling us immature like they are super-mature and the judge. Our parents lack of willingness to accept us as equal adults doesn't mean we aren't acting like adults it just means they want to stay 'in charge'/better/above us. So yeah, the burden IS "on you" to change your perceptions and behavior from superior to equal. Abuser parents refuse as it means their child is now allowed to object and stop the abuse which they will attitude adjustment or not by walking away and that's what happened to you. Shocking.
@@theodorerooding3536 Mature adult behavior is not self-elevating by calling other adults "immature" but @emtagget doesn't grasp that - it's the childish Narcissism, "I'm better and more mature then you 'cus I said so!" **insert snotty tone** These types make me gag.
Thank you for the wonderful advice! My mother is a master manipulator. Loves to guilt trip and shame me when she cant have her way or respect boundaries. Gaslight gaslight gaslight.
That does sound like good advice but go for it if it feels right.
If that's how you truly feel about your mother then just leave her alone. I'm sure she would appreciate it.
@@nicolawyatt2837thats a creepy response.
I can not validate his feelings if it is based on something that did not happen
10 to 20 years.
As an adult child (60 years old) I made the choice of no contact, again. After 7 years away I tried to see if anything had changed. I almost made it to a year trying to make amends. I realized there was nothing else I could do. My father loves the saying "Do as I say, and not as I do!" He should be treated as a king because he is the father. He even enjoys throwing the 5th commandment at me. His idea of honor is beyond what the bible intended. I love the idea of family. My siblings have become enablers for my father. My friends treat me better than my family. I don't think enough will change to rekindle strong family values. So over the bs.
I have not seen my son in 13 years. His father make sure of that. Told him lies about me, now I have lost my daughter because off him.
You chose to make kids with him... There were plenty of nice single guys around 😂 So you can only blame yourself.
I love it how women blame the men. Back when I was nice, no girls wanted me. So I LEARNED to become a jerk and suddenly, my plate was full!
Yes we do everything right but the narcissist alienates children through brainwashing tactics
I lost my 2 daughters
I cry
Unless you have been severely abused why would you EVER walk out on the two most important people in your life? They gave you life! Show a little respect! Entitlement is the problem if you ask me!!! Why does the parent have to change or bow down to the child? This makes ZERO sense to me. It's like a toddler. They throw a fit until they get their way! Disgusting. Work it out!!!
Boom. This! Spoiled and entitled was my conclusion about the issue. I was dumbfounded by the petty grievances one of my sons used as leverage, (in his own mind), to diminish our relationship. What still seems bizarre is that he didn't take my personal history into account, which would provide context for why I might be dismissive of my so called failings. For most of my years, I grew up in a very poor single parent household, mostly raising myself. During another period, I lived with relatives in a far away State. Ultimately, I became a ward of the State from 15-18 because of delinquency. (Raising yourself ain't easy. A State Correctional Facility isn't exactly a picnic, but I did appreciate 3 square meals a day!) When reaching adulthood, I struggled but stayed in the fight to make myself worthy of eventual success, which I shared with my children while also navigating my role as a father without examples other than what I could learn from episodes of 'The Brady Bunch.' My rejection of this whining from a 30 year old man child who grew up with a caring father, a hot tub and pool, chauffeur service to games, a free car with his license and covered college has persistent grievances about trivial things I could have done better?
The final chapter was his choice to block me when I reacted badly to his trolling about the wins of his political tribe. 2.5 years after his tantrum and cutting me off, he finally sent me a letter looking to reconcile. Fortunately or unfortunately, in my 2.5 year process of sorting this out for myself, I lost a sense of connection to this son and any desire to reconnect when the offer arrived by mail. I haven't got time for spoiled, ungrateful or entitled people. I'm not willing to risk a repeat episode. And when they say, "We can't choose our family"? Oh, we certainly can. In time, we can adjust and be happy about those choices!
Thank you for hitting the nail on the head and opening the door for my rant. 😄👍 I have a stellar relationship with my other son and his family. For someone who grew up without a family at all, they're plenty and I'm grateful for them.
@@jimmyyounger618 I grew up raising myself as well. I gave my son EVERYTHING he could ever want. He was nice until he didn't "like" something I said. I never knew what it would be. I am now getting to the point where I am not sure I want to reconcile either. The hurt is way too much and I am fearful and almost certain it would happen again. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Enjoy those that treat you with kindness, love, and respect. XX
It's because you treat your child as a love dispensing object to support your insecurities. It's because you believe that parents are exempt from making mistakes as though your adult child showing "a little respect" (by which you mean complete submission) is all that is needed for the relationship to work. That is not a relationship or how parenting works, it is a dictatorship. A relationship is COLLABORATIVE. 50/50. You either refuse to see their side or are incapable of doing so because you likely have been neglected by your own parents and taught that "love" is a roof over your head and 3 square meals, nothing more. It is not. Parental love is unconditional acceptance, but moreover, it is being able to understand and accomodate your child, especially when they are very young. You are not seeing your child's perspective. You have no desire to see your child's perspective. You believe you own your child, not that they are their own independent human being. You believe yourself superior to your child. That is not true.
Have you noticed the entirety of your comment is throwing a fit, but then you accuse your child of doing the same thing? This is called projection. It means you lack insight into your own motivations and externalize them onto other people so you don't feel bad about yourself. In other words, you took all of your insecurities and labeled your child with them because you think everyone has the exact same perspective as you. They don't. Your child cannot work things out with you because you are too rigid to ever accept anything they say as valid. You simply want to control everything and your child needed to escape your control.
YOU CHOSE TO HAVE CHILDREN. YOU DID, NOT THE CHILD. Your child is not a loan that you take out that they repay you with love in your old age. They are human beings with their own lives.
@@erickrick3901 I don't know you and you certainly don't know me. Your comments are way off base.
First your parents give you life, and then they destroy your life. That's the way it is for many adult children. The fact that abusive parents fail to see their mistakes and pretend to be the victims only makes it worse.
My 3 sons all no longer return my calls, letters or emails. I thought we had a good relationship and I put in the effort to keep things healthy. To say I must change, grow and learn makes no sense to me since I have no feedback from them to know what I might need to change.
Same for me, twin sons 20
This is my worst nightmare come true. I finally got a judge to grant me reconciliation therapy for my children 2 months ago and my daughter turned 18 yesterday. It wasn’t enough time. While I still have a 14 year old son to work with, I’m grieving the loss of my beautiful daughter all over again. Now I am forced to let her go and move on in life without her. Wish they knew how much I love and adore them
my kids hate me too 14 and 20 i can't cope
@@os6867 I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this as well. You’re in my prayers today
Thanks Marie for all your posts and helping me heal. X
It’s been 6 years since I’ve seen my daughter and grandsons
Estrangement Try 27 years!!!!! If I’d known my kids would cut me off for this amount of time, I never would have had kids!
@Daisy Day. I love your name. that was my mothers name. I treasure it.
So you would prefer your children to never be born instead of letting them live their own life? That's selfish.
@@Langkowskiamen thank you...
I know I certainly regret having had a child. It cost me my health and every dime I had and after 31 years she treats me worse than anyone I've ever known, including ex husband's. So do I regret it? Yes
If you think it's selfish , obviously it hasn't happened to you . Living one's own life is what is expected . Rejecting your parents at their retirement age just shows that they are the selfish ones. Because their greatest fear is having to be expected by society to help their parents as they age. We all know the real incentive . Let's just say the quiet part out loud
I don’t see any parents in this comment section accepting responsibility. Apparently all your adult children went no contact with you for absolutely no reason at all…. 😮 Here lies the problem that she is describing in this video.
God Bless Us All!
Guilt free estrangement here. It took me 12 years of sobriety to see the level of abuse from my BPD/NPD mother and controlling adoptive father. Domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse during childhood, a nasty divorce definitely warranted my estrangement. On top of my 20 year military and federal career I just don’t have time for their immature dysfunctional bullshit. I have enough trauma to work through like I have been the past 12 years.
For me? I haven't spoken with my father for over 20 years, and if I never see him again, that would be great.
My father died 22 years ago, wish I could sit for donut n coffee with him
@@Corazanaoro I wish my father a long and happy life, I just don't want to be a part of it. I have zero interest in meeting him for a coffee or something. It is so much better with him being out of my life.
@@Langkowski It is your truth, u wished him the best. Thx for sharing
I have only been 1 year free of them. I can't wait till it's 20 years. I have healed so much. 😌
7:30 👏👏👏👏Say it again for the people in the back! 😆
Intersting 4.5 years in average, wondering when the study started? I cut off my parents 9 years ago and no plan to go back.
In my case, until my mother died. My daughter learned from me so will be the same with us. So sad but the world has made it ok for an unprofessional to label someone a narcissist without an actual case study by a professional.
Just the label of narcissist is what you have a problem with?
How many labels have you put on your daughter without professional help?
Question: How often is the estranged adult child influenced to maintain estrangement by their partner? On the occasions I have had in person contact with my child she is affectionate and kind but her partner is very stand-off-ish. I have had MS for decades and she has depression and anxiety challenges so I believe her estrangement has to do with her feelings and fear of my dependence on her - which I admit to and is emotional rather than physical. I am correcting my behavior. However, I fear her partner is influencing her on some level as she has systematically estranged herself from all family both maternal and paternal.
Been estranged from my adult son for 4 months. He called us wanting to resolve issues that my husband and I have no Idea what the issues are but I told him I will listen to him. I am going slow with my son because I have been traumatized by this. I was a loving stay at home mom He is my only child and I love him so much. However, I wont have my boundaries crossed this time. I feel I will always be wonder when it could happen again
Tomorrow isn’t promised. Communication is key. It hurts too much for all this nonsense. Communicate and love unconditionally. Hear each other. Everything is NOT ONE SIDED. 2 sides…… otherwise, this video, topic and comment section wouldn’t exist. The end.
Our estrangement with our son, has been 6 yrs., there was one occasion when they (he, DIL and our granddaughters) came at the 3.5 yr. point to get their bikes we'd been storing for them. It was hard to know what or whatnot to say because our situation is due to lies and manipulation on our DIL's part. It was like talking to strangers and I was trying to hide my anger, hurt and contempt. Our daughter has two brain tumors, one is inoperable and my husband, our son's dad had a heart attack due to a blood clot three years ago and he diagnosed with a rare Leukemia, and still this estrangement goes on (extended family let him know of the health issues of both), time is limited for both his father and his sister, yet he continues to stay away and shows no empathy. I will say that if one or both pass, he will not be notified, because he has shown he doesn't care.
4.5 years! Try 14 since my daughter maried the ultimate narc!
You reach to the heart of the matter.
Has anyone given any thought to the fact that young adults are being led to do this to their parents (at college) bringing down the family unit? Just a thought. My heart & prayers to all on both sides of this.
Hi @laundrygoddess4
Thanks for your input and prayers. I hear you and appreciate your thoughts. I think young adults are being influenced not only at home, but also school, social media, and peers among other things. What do you think about how the culture has changed towards individualism rather than adult kids feeling obligated and following the blood is thicker than water norms of earlier generations?
Bringing down the family unit? How? Just because a child decides to leave their generational family tree, it doesn't mean that they don't go and start a new one. The "family unit" model survives....what doesn't survive is a family tree that includes the name of the child and their children after them. That family tree no longer continues.
Denial is hard to get over. College didn't cause estrangement.
College educates, promotes growth intellectually and emotionally.
Maybe there's too much of a divide and too few commonalities. Have you considered taking classes?
I have a question. My mother is not a bad person or bad mother per se. We’ve had our fair share of arguments, fights and differences. About 3 years ago I decided to cut her out of my life. Only because I don’t see the point in talking to her, we’re just too different. I don’t hate her and I don’t love her. I just don’t care about her. I know that sounds terrible but that’s how I feel. Am I in the wrong here?
Yes. Life is about having different opinions from people and still being you. You don’t need to have a parent who agrees with everything. Respect their opinion but agree to differ. You don’t give the silent treatment to a co-worker. You just talk about the things you have in common and avoid the subjects you clash on. You don’t have to be best friends with your mother but you should respect her. Send her a letter or meet on neutral ground a couple of times a year. Anything is better than continuing the silent treatment.
No, you're not wrong. Forcing a relationship is emotionally draining, and in the long run negatively effects your health.
I think you are cruel & selfish to do that to your parent. I hope that never happens to you.
I hope your children will do the same to you one day.
Did you tell her why you cut her out? If not, you’re a monster. Just tell her how you feel so she doesn’t go crazy. Just tell her that even though she’s really done nothing abusive, you just don’t love her. Then maybe, she can come to terms with the fact that you’re an ungrateful person and treat you as if you were dead. At least, she’ll get closure.
Not true. this only encourages hate of parents. My ed never said anything to me. she left at 15 and at 47 continues to attack and gathers family with NO input from me. or very little. she is ILL. she suffers from splitting and wanted her father who abandoned us for another woman. This is crap.
I am confused… How long estrangement lasts? Like the parent is on a time out? No, no, no, the parent is fired. The same way you are fired from a job. You’re not entitled to get your job back. The parent has messed up so bad, and usually oblivious to what they’ve done, that it’s unsafe to be near that parent. Get real.
I reached out to my mom for support I am 50 years old and have never been able to have a stable romantic relationship and I fear its because of emotional neglect. My mom just tries to tell me what to do without understanding or taking responsibility. Gen X we've always been on our own. I told her I renounce her and my birthright. Don't care anymore, she can die alone.
Hi, Oh my, this must be so hard on you. Yes, Gen X was the flock of kids that raised themselves. I suppose you are getting support to deal with this. I hope so.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement working on it all my friends have pretty much abandoned me or are too busy to help ive got an appointment with therapist next week
This therapist is part of the problem. This parent needing to change is a misconception. We are all imperfect. We all can hope and strive to be better. The idea that these kids don’t feel safe is ridiculous. Such a cop out. There is a misconception that they are not safe and I’m not feeding into that lie.
Thank you for commenting. Perhaps you have misunderstood the content. The information provided is a report of what individuals, parents and adult children say regarding their family. Of course parents are not perfect. What AC say is when there are events and behaviors, the hope for them is that their parents take responsibility, apologize and use what they have learned to be different with their AC. Unfortunately, you may not believe it, but there are parents who are unsafe with their AC.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement What you say sounds like a no-win scenario in the situation where the children won’t communicate. In the absence of child feedback how will the parent know whats needs to be addressed? If the child is checking to see if the adult has “changed”, the adult is left in the dark and it sounds like a stalemate. Oh, and by the way, I did practice good communications skills while they were growing up, so I am completely in the dark about why they cut me off.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement Very likely it is a small percentage and far too much acceptance has been given to thee AC who don’t seem to have experienced hardship that their parents have endured. We all have to deal with people who don’t understand us and that doesn’t mean we should just ignore them or blame them for our own failing as individuals who don’t want to deal with a situation which we can’t control. I see the major issue with this alienation bs as a means of gaining control by a generation of entitled young people.
@@kbsickler Totally understand what you are saying. One idea is that these AC see that they have little to gain materially at this point and have opted to bail o that as parents age, this younger generation won’t be expected to assist aging parents. In my case, this is likely the situation.
I just keep praying it's been 3 years from My Grandson after Poppa passed.&I had to sell things He thought wad His inheritance
When you're blamed for being born and spend your childhood being utilized as a whipping post, told to appreciate scraps while parents do far more for strangers who aren't in need, and it's asserted that less you there would be no problems in their relationship? I enlisted at 17 with a waiver. They wanted me gone and I didn't want to be there. Interesting though, how in recent years he's all of a sudden decided he needs to interact... essentially a stranger, like an old neighbor who you only had negative interactions with. They got divorced when I was in my 30s, she tried but was a wreck mentally/emotionally. Sadly, by the time she started to get a clue, she was dying, gone now. So... a lifetime! It is what it is.
As I stated to my Grandmother, my Fathers Mother. He's your son and I'm happy you have a functional relationship. Notice that my kids, adults, are here with me... because, as it is with my father and I, the parent established and maintained whatever the foundation of the relationship is. I don't resent my children for being born and I'm vividly aware that I'm a role model. I didn't stop talking to him, he stopped talking to be because he got called out on his BS and didn't like it. When he owns his sht, we can have a conversation, until then, what's the point, he's playing victim, which to some degree is hilarious given similar reports at CPS 12 years apart, involving two different children. My Brother, he had his last name changed to that of my Mothers Family, and when making reference to our father, he utilizes the same acronym as dads old business aquaintences... nothing there at all.
Thank you for writing. I’m sorry this happened to you with your dad. Some just can’t get to the place of taking responsibility. It’s very sad for them.
It is interesting how toxic and/or unsympathetic these comments can be…it speaks volumes about a lack of empathy people have. Glad my family does not have these issues…very sad.