The Narcissistic Mother In Law
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2021
- In a marriage or long term relationship, your relationship with your in laws can have an affect on your relationship with your partner and your children. In this video Darren Magee outlines some of the common characteristics and behaviours of a narcissistic mother in law, and the affect those behaviours can have. Common behaviours include triangulation, being disagreeable, making the son or daughter in law feel unwelcome, unkind humour, gaslighting and manipulating the grandchildren.
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The videos I make are requested by you the viewer. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you would like me to cover in future videos.
What about narcissistic grandparents? My MIL has realized she cannot control me therefore has moved on to our children. Some signs are obvious but I am pretty sure there are hidden ones that I have not picked up on yet (behaviors on her part as well as in children). Could you guide us?
@@awakened9906 thank you for your suggestion for a future topic to cover.
@@SrivaniGorantla that’s a difficult question to answer but I’ll put a video out some some general ideas on how to communicate concerns. Thank you for your question.
Tq for helping to escape from narcissistic abuse by educating me what it is...this understanding gives me the clarity I need to overcome it...pray God to shower his grace on you
@awakened9906 I worry about this too. My kids are infant and toddler right now but I worry for the future
You have obviously been sitting in a tree outside my mother-in-law's house at night looking in the window and taking notes.
Yes, my husband never ever ever stood up to his mother or even admitted his mother had a problem. She was a saint. She was the church lady. I must be out of my mind if I think this saintly old woman is evil.
I would struggle with the fact he didn't support you. I have finally put my foot down with him after 23 years of stress from the old battleaxe.
I'm experiencing the same thing. After 7 yrs of being ignored by his family n trying to talk to them is only one sided convo , enough is enough. His mom telling him constantly I'm wrong for him n his life choices is wrong because of me n living together etc wrong because of the bible. I now dont see his family. It's been super hard. In order to be with him I see no other choice .
Ha! You got that right! Those devils are the first in church, they know all the hymns and scriptures and in their former lives, were 3 headed witches.😂
This.
Yes same with mine
This is spot on. I believe narcissists live in darkness. When I married my husband and married into his family, I experienced depression, anxiety, rage, etc. I couldn’t even stand to be around my narcissistic mother in law. Since my husband and I are living separately, I have felt so much peace and joy. This is how I know this man and this family wasn’t for me. My husband and his mom would gang up on me. Even now, I sometimes wonder what they are both plotting against me since I’m the Estranged wife/ daughter in law but I also don’t care anymore because I’ve never been this happy since I was younger. I can finally dream and hope again. They took that from me and I have it back now :)
Yes, that's what I would like: dream and hope again... Thank you for putting it so precisely!
I agree with every thing, everything you say.
I lived it, I breathed it, with my husband and his sick mother and family.
Counseling was not working, it made things worse.
However we have been doing Christian counseling at our church for a month now and let me just say we are seeing the light, together.
There is only one thing I disagree that you said and that is they did not take your hopes and dreams. You gave them to them.
Your mil wanted to destroy you the way she destroyed your husband.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear but you gave in. You played her games and lost. Never never play their games.
The way your husband treated you was the way he was treated growing up. With conditional love not unconditional.
He cannot comprehend it.
I know you saw something in him that you had hope in, that you believed in but then felt betrayed and lost and confused.
I guarantee he feels the same but cannot understand it.
My husband is the most sincere person I have ever met. But he lies and lies and lies. Even over things that are so miniscule that nobody should feel the needs to lie about.
Although he is sincere, he was not taught to be honest. How can you express honesty when it never existed in your home..
He grew up in a household of liars. Mother lied to fathers, father lied to mother, they both lie to everyone.
It is and will continue to be a struggle as long as I put my energy on the wrong people but the one thing I will not do is give up on my husband like his parents gave up on him.
Im not anyone special but I want to tell you is I wish you the best.
I dont know your specific situation but I do know that when God blesses a union in marriage we must fight against the evil that wants to destroy it.
And if you are a Christian and you believe in God I recommend you try Christian counseling. Even if you have no plans to return with your husband, try the counseling for yourself.
Good luck to you and God bless.
My ex mother in law did all of this and destroyed our relationship. Well at the end of the day there are 2 people in a relationship and each needs to draw boundaries. My ex husband couldnt do that so our relationship is gone. Its not the mother in laws fault. Its your spouse who failed to act when it was needed
@@uk9383 It's totally true, I agree! Unfortunately, I know every aspect of it. My husband first tried to be neutral and good both to his mother and me but there was a moment when a decision had to be made and he was not strong (or brave?) enough to make it.
I experienced same , it felt toxic to be with both of them
My mil is extremely EVIL.
She is always the victim. She cries crocodile tears to get her flying Monkeys to feel sorry for her, manipulative, demanding, hard hearted, cunning, deceiving and constantly demanding to be in control. We cut all ties.
We're living in peace now.
This video is spot on!!!!
For me, it’s the other way round! Daughter-I-L ostracised me (not my husband) and by Gaslighting, prevented me from getting close to her husband and children. 25+ years of playing cat & mouse we’ve finally said enough is enough.
Saaaaaame with my mil. While I was giving birth my B I L was texting my hub about how awful he is for making his mom cry alll day every day blablabla and how they want him back in their lives not me or our kids. Luckily my mil has 5 other flying monkey kids to defend her poor pathetic self 🙈. We are also no contact with his family and my kids know her as evil grandma lol
Exactly what I'm dealing with.
Omg you described my mother in law
@@monicafur”evil grandma”: funny back in the 1970s we had a triangulation step grandma. She’s get ne and my brother a coloring book and got my little brother a giant stuffed bear!!! Not one of us looked forward to her visits. Eventually we all started calling her “evil grandma”. I guess there were narcissists before they became in vogue! 😂
My husband never protects me from his mother, he never listens to me about his mothers behaviour, I stopped telling her things about my life , she has no idea I’m at university studying, and I avoid her at all costs.
My narcissistic ex-monster in law used to lie for her son. She always came to our home unannounced, and stayed for hours. He allowed the disrespect, always. Everything that I did, she imitated. Everything that I got, she bought something bigger and better. I felt like she was his mistress...it was very weird and uncomfortable. I thank God daily that I'm no longer in that nightmare.🙏🏽
you described my life. My daughter has had TWO. Shame on these witches who wear the mommy mask.
I always felt like I was interfering in some weird, bizarre love triangle between my husband, his mother and my sister-in-law.
@ Family Routes your description is so perfect on what I am experiencing right now. Additionally to that, she sometimes destroy an item but purposely she will ask my husband what happened to that. When I left alone at home and she reach home, she seems wanted to overflow the trash can right after I threw it. She knows that I sweep the floor but after a night only our small house is like a week never clean again. Her creepiness seems making me crazy when I storied this to my friends but thanks God behind all I always sleep deeply and peacefully. YEs she imitates me though she is on her 70s. I find that if she styled like me, she will win her son's heart . She sits cross legs on her sofa while instructing my husband ( take note with the legs and shorts flip up), but luckily my husband makes a way to go to me and immediately he wants to go out to mall. There's lot of considered disgusting moments or they said I am just thinking it differently.
We lived across the country in my home city with my family for the first 10 years of our relationship. His mother lived on the other side, and in that entire time came to visit us twice. Once for our wedding, and once when our oldest son was born. They didn’t like flying I guess, but they also never offered to help us with flights so we could visit them more often. 2 years ago after a string of failed jobs, he hatched a plan with his parents to move us all out to them. I had almost no say in any of it.
Because she was so absent in our lives before, I felt like she would have at least be respectful of our boundaries. Boy was I wrong. To say that she feels like “the other woman” is spot on. They have such an unhealthy relationship, and they latched onto each other at my expense. I saw messages from her when we were having problems, to kick me out and change the locks. Which would essentially leave me homeless because I have no family here.
It’s gross. I hate them.
Do we have the same mother in law? 😂! Mine also buy my soon to be husband the gifts i wanted to buy for him. So from now on i dont tell her what i am going to buy for him so she cantt copy me
That woman was the root of all problems. She instigated the collapse of my marriage from all angles. There was an unhealthy connection between her and her son, The apron strings were never cut and I always felt that she was incredibly jealous of me.
She's 84 and still going strong. A twisted grown up child
Did she break up your marriage???
@@ReRe_642 yes I'm afraid so, blood is thicker than water and her blood was like cement.
@@wendyhandley9463 Yes I know mine is a monster.
I am so sorry to hear that, but I am also happy for your freedom. Every time my MIL comes in town I am filled with anxiety and have to watch a bunch of these videos trying to figure out what to do- but they all seem to talk about the problem and not the solution....Like, yeah we all already know what they do and the characteristics. It is good to a certain point to identify them, but where is the 'what to do about it'? My boyfriend, I have been with for 13 years and he will not marry me- I think more and more because he is Married to his MOM!!!
Damn why do they live so long 😂
I thought that if I left my small children with my toxic and bitter mother in law, she might ‘accidentally’ kill them to spite us.
I hear you and had this fear about my MiL and SiL. My hub is enmeshed with them and says I'm being silly as he thinks they are so lovely.
I have this fear to! Somewhere deep in my gut I fear she would physically harm my husband, her son, and it's nerve-wracking when he goes to see her. Obviously I never let her watch our children, but I can't stop his yearly guilt visits, he doesn't feel afraid like I do.
Yes!!!! And they might unfortunately, never trust them with your babies
I may have been expected to treat her like a queen like everyone always did. But that simply is not me. Needless to say I was the black sheep in law
Me too Black sheep in law 🤣.
My narcissistic mother-in-law acts like a queen and expects to be treated like royalty she's 97 and her children treat her like she's some sort of national treasure and hate that I don't fawn over her and jump through her hoops like they do ... I don't understand how someone who's so mean & controlling has earned so much respect so completely undeserved & backwards.
You are me!
You hit the nail on the head! This is exactly how my mother-in-law is. I mean, not just a little bit, but exactly how she is. She is a cruel, manipulative, and And never does anything wrong. I can’t explain to you how many times I’ve wanted to slap the shit out of her.
Not to mention her constant lying, right?
I feel your pain! My mother n law is so manipulative and is such a guilt tripper. I can see so clearly how she uses and manipulates my husband!
Same
I divorced both my narcissistic man baby and his nasty Narc Mommy. Horrid family
"Slap the shit out of her".... true words if I heard you right!!!
This is so accurate it's uncanny. When I first met my MIL with my parents she had put a photo of my husband and a female friend on the mantlepiece (husband said she wasn't even a girlfriend), proceeded to ignore me or make condescending comments. My father said afterwards to be careful of her. One of the things she said was 'I won't interfere with your marriage' which really shocked me as it never occurred to me anyone would even think to do that. Anyway, two years later, after the birth of my first son and her implying I was stifling the child and unfit, I cut her off completely. She wrote poison pen letters to my husband saying all the things she had previously denied insinuating (and him brushing over with excuses). Never for one second regretted that decision. She cut my husband out of her will (because I was a gold digger!) and we never saw her again but we know from narc SIL that she got all her flying monkeys sympathies. I'm so glad I had the courage to do that before she damaged our children. Everyone says to be the better person you shouldn't cut people off but I see no point in taking in poison, whether to drink it or sip it, it's going to poison you.
We had to do the same.
Smart move! I am no contact too. I am not going to let toxic people abuse. I don't care if I am related to them. There's no excuse for disrespect in any relationship.
I had to move 12000 miles away and she still was trying to put the boot in via my hubby on the phone. No contact from me or my children anymore as she was bad mouthing me to them and they felt awkward.
Good for you!!! My MIL and my covert narc wife systematically alienated my two oldest ny talking about me behind my back. I cut off contact with her entire family and soon to be her bc ive realized she won't change. I regret not keeping my kids away from them bc the two oldest are adult narcissists now from exposure combined with their genetic influence. They both don't respect boundaries. I loaned out $ to my daughter and she never paid it back as agreed. My oldest son is incredibly entitled as well with low to no empathy for other people. They both don't respect others "rules" or "boundaries". God knows ice tried to protect them throughout the years in vain. I've realized that I have to maintain contact with them and my grandchildren in very small doses bc of how dysfunctional they are which tears me up bc I love them all but I don't trust them, and bc I want to be in my grandchildren lives. But u do worry that my grandchildren will pass on this dysfunction bc its inevitable on some levels. Be good folks..
You acted courageously.
“Anyone who doesn’t know the truth will see the partner as being evil and cruel for being nasty to such a *lovely, caring, sweet, old woman.* “ There you have it! I spat my tea out, but I don’t know if the tears are sadness because I’m stuck in this freak show, or joy because there are real words to describe my daily hell!
Yeah than she gets all her friends family and even people you don’t know to literally manipulate your reality and convince you with fear that your crazy
Well, then, get fucking divorced. Good god.
I pray for you because it was horrible place for me to be.
They're not all in your face hateful. Many play the good mother/grandmother but are behind the scene manipulating son. Zero boundaries. Needs to be worshipped and glorified by all. Feels God given right to be matriarch of children's family. Emotional incested son so he can be intimacy avoidant, etc. These MIL are the worst because they look like perfect MIL/mother/grandmother. Send em back to their smothering mommy because that would be the ultimate humiliation for them. Emotional incest is what this is!
Oh god you nailed it
This is so spot on
Omg you must know my mother in law!!!! Hahahaha I needed this. My husband can’t stand being around her luckily but we live in the same town and don’t want to cut her out completely. My mother in law has told me multiple times that she wants to find a husband just like her son
Been dealing with a mother in law like this for years
EXACTLY. this is my mother inlaw nice and sweet but everything is her way or no way, manipulative, lies to get her way. But always in a sweet way. Because her addiction is everyone must think she is the nicest person ever.. These ones are far worse. How do you convince a son this sweet person is toxic. Now mine using the fact her husband passed and she's ill (self induced from bad habits) to get her way.
My Mother in law is a Narcissist and has made it clear how she really feels about me. She is very Insecure, Jealous and Envious of me and also tries to mimic/copy me. She treats my Sister in law like she is a queen and treats me like trash.
@Nicole Anne Daniels It's crazy how evil they are.
We're on the same boat. Surprisingly, I don't know how she hears me and my husband when we have plans of buying this and that. Suddenly she comes home with it or she is wearing it.She is old but she copy the way I style on, though when she does it is like she feels my husband will look up to her. There are times that I will question myself if it's just my thought that she so gross. But those does not happened once or twice but many times. She treats me like a helper who will pick up or sweep her trash, or wash her cup. She is like a boss with legs up like attracting demons the ways she sit while talking to all her amigas while on loudspeaker. But on the other, once she shut me off when I am talking in my friend using headset. I realize that is she who is loud whenever she is at home. She freaking fake or the so called multiple personality disorder. A lot of not so nice things happening to her firstly at her work, but still her attitude is becoming worst. She also an active member of prayer group though when she comes home she is different.
same. Ive been treated like trash from her and my husband has refused to see it. My husband has been in therapy recently for his insidious addiction and is realizing that his dad was an abusive narc, but still sees his mm on the pedestal. He finally told her to not contact us because he's working on personal issues, so NOW she's been demanding I give her info about him and us. I am refusing, but she's got this energetic control over both of us. I see it now, she can be so emotional , but its about her. She's mean to me when no-one else is watching. Example as soon as I enter her home, she tries to engage me into a heated conversation or she'll hug her son and ignore me or she forgets my birthday -doesn't even know it, but goes on about sis-in-laws' bds. I am ready for no contact- just did with my own overt narc mom(she was obvious). The covert types are harder to spot.
Same . I moved from California to Texas for my boyfriend , eventually I met his mom first 3 weeks she was nice then one night she completely turned into a full blown narc she called me out on many things that aren’t true and was loud making everyone come out their rooms to watch her act like a victim gaslighting everyone making me look horrible , she kicked me out mind you I came from a different state to be with her son . Luckily my man knows she is sick and got us a home right away we have since then went no contact , while we were moving out she would text my man saying she’s going to put hands on me . These people are sick
Thank you so much for your insight. Narcissistic mother-in-laws will have narcissistic sons and daughters. They just breed them. Tarred with the same brush. This has been my experience sadly.
Yes absolutely.
not really. many times you find their children to be victims of these horrible mothers.
They go one way of the other. My partner has 2 narcissistic parents and he's certainly not narcissistic, he has a couple of mild traits but really everyone probably does, but no all 3 children were the victims and luckily all 3 left home in their teens so didn't get the full effect into their adulthood otherwise I think it could have been different
This.
Exactly both are evil I can’t wait to
Walk away from this sickness
This is sooo spot on!!! My mother in law 100%, god knows I gave her many chances but they are never even thankful for you forgiving them, or remorseful for theyre behaviour. The only thing that works is zero contact and blocking them. My husband sees her couple of times a year but I stay the hell away! Stop giving these people more chances they will never change! Thank God my husband did understand she had a problem and managed to stand up to her and not let her ruin our marriage.
She even showed up at our house unannounced once (because i have blocked her and refused to talk to her and she knew my husband was away) and attacked and assaulted me! Litteraly beat me up because i dared to stand up to her! And then refused to apologize for it, and lied to the rest of the family and told them that I had invited her over and then I attached HER! These people are dangerous, and I dont let her near my children
Please Please do more on mother in law, especially why they feel so threatened (I think mine has also borderline traits) and why they can’t get on with the daughter in law. Also what can we do to keep the peace?? And not constantly have to deal with drama. It’s asking a lot Darren, I know! 🤣 thanks for great videos 🙏
After 10 years of drama and trauma I understood that zero contact is the best way to heal and to be happy
@@aleramirez976 It's totally true. I chose the same way for the sake of my mental health. No contact, no family gatherings, no insults, no drama. And most importantly no explanations to other family members except for my husband. He needs to know the truth, my point of view and my struggles with this issue. He accepted it all, he tries to understand what I'm going through but I know that it's very difficult for him. Our life is anything but ideal, seemingly I'm a 'divisive' person who hinders happiness and unity (?) in the family. (But what happiness and unity? It's just camouflage and a theatrical play...) That's why I'm thinking of leaving for good. So at the moment there's no contact and no constant drama but sadly, there's no peace of mind either.
i had one. i suspected borderline with her too. 25 years of hell. Take care of yourself. You are No. 1. Make sure you take care of yourself.
I’m manifesting mine out of my reality 😅 that’s she’s off somewhere living here life & not involved in mine. My life is peaceful & she is also happy elsewhere & not interfering in mine. Stay focused on self concept & self care because there’s no pleasing these people anyways so let them craic on & keep your Grace & realise it says nothing about you & everything about them. Let them expose themselves I say, but don’t give them any time or energy if you can help it. Namaste 😇
@@peacefulpath222 I'm manifesting that too :)
I didn't know you knew my mother-in-law 👀
This perfectly describes the mother of my ex fiancé. This woman tried to puppeteer everyone in her family and constantly stepped over boundaries and intervened/manipulated in the lives of her adult children. People like this thrive on the energy that comes from being needed by their children, while they themselves are constantly sabotaging anything good in their children’s lives.
There always has to be drama. Seeing the couple happy pissed her off
You've just described my mother-in-law to a T!!! After 35 years of her narcissistic abuse I finally went no contact with her .... she has even tried to break up my marriage by attempting to play match-maker with one of my husband's old girlfriends during our 9th year of marriage and when my husband confronted her and asked her to apologize to me said "I make no apology!!" unquote ...the woman is pure evil.
Dammmn, it took you waaay too long to go no contact. Good for you guys
My narc MIL was enmeshed with my husband. basically like a romantic relationship, flirting, playful banter, teasing him, going out to shows together, going out to eat without me. she was mad we got married. tried to hurt our marriage.
My ex mother in law was the same but she won
@@uk9383 MY exMIL won too. Coming home from our honeymoon she called yelling at him that he dared to go away without calling her. She demanded he come to her house immediately "without HER!" (me). He did. She'd call every morning to wake him up and hers was the last voice he heard at night. They ate every meal together because "that's the way it was before You ( me) came along". She told me " I was here first! He's mine!". They went out on dates together, shopping, family events without me.
This was the prime example of a covet incestuous relationship. It was Sick! Surprisingly neither showed or did any of this before we were married. I was duped and betrayed.
@@uk9383 That was a definite set-up and I believe your husband was in on it.
But the best was when my baby was born and she Wanted to take it from me. She said I never had a baby before and couldn't know what to do. My Ex backed her. He told me the only reason I had a baby was to hurt him and his mother. We were married for 4 years when she was born and I fought for the next 10 to keep my child safe from their evilness including 6 years to get through the divorce. Sick! Sick! Sick!
@@diannetimpson6885 yeah thats crazy. I can only imagine how hard that must have been to go through. We didnt have any kids and it was like hell for me. Like the worst experience of my life. I even had a pannick attack. And then to to go through such a mess and at the same time trying to protect your kids from this must be a nightmare. Like to be with someone who doesnt even have your back... its worse than if he would just cheat with some randome slut. Because if he just cheated you would still be the wife and that girl would be a fling. In the case of a mamas boy the mother in law is the wife and he treats you like a fling in his head even if you are married for years.
That’s called covert incest. It’s disgusting.
Thank you for this useful content! I've been living with this problem for 17 years because unfortunately, at the very beginning I ignored the red flags... My mother-in-law is a religious, communal narcissist (now I know this) and I can't do anything. She started a smear campaign against me inside the family, family members joined her 'elitist league' and there's a very strong family cult around her.
Step away and protect yourself, honestly only thing you can do. It's awful 😣
I’ve been going through the same for almost 30 YEARS! The narcissist mother in law is relentless..she will never stop with her madness.
You have that too? I thought i was the only one
Same here.. manipulates the son she claims to love and rips him away from his family and children heartlessly
Sorry you have to deal with a mil like her, it's so tiring and can be so emotionally sickening. My religious mil is terrible as well. Like you all I felt so alone. She's this top notch woman that does things when no one's around then when she gets me to react I look crazy as she's done nothing wrong and says "I want to help you, just tell me what you need" it's terrible.
I chased away my wife's mother who was living with me from my place. She has been trying to control my entire life since our marriage. Enough is enough... now I'm beginning to see the best of my marriage.
This is so true. My mother in-law is a narcissist.
This is why im happier being single,just can't be bothered dealing with someone else's family
Spot on, all of it. Now divorced two years, but in the 36 year marriage, man, I saw it all. And near the end once I recognized he would never change, I also recognized that he learned his behavior from her, as his only child. Plus, he was adopted by her, and her toxic family was a huge influence on all of it.
Over time the grandkids stopped wanting to or going voluntarily to visit grandma. She was negative, miserable, victim -mode always, talked down people the kids knew and didn't know. She berated her husband (my ex's stepdad, who gave her anything she wanted their entire marriage) and changed him into a shell of his former outgoing, intelligent, sweet self. I miss the man, he was always so different when she wasn't around. She has ruined him, poor man.
She is hateful, thinks she's smarter than everyone including her husband (who is well educated and way more intelligent and kind than her), she knows it all, she criticizes everyone and everything.
And she never liked me in the thirty six years I was with her son. Never. As she got older, she did less and less to hide it. But usually, it was passive aggressive behavior toward me.
She knew I was smarter than her, (and her son too for that matter) and I think it triggered her. She never made it past 6th grade due to her own family of origin and their awful dysfunction.
I can only imagine what she says about me to anyone, now that I'm gone.
The only one of our three kids who will make what time they can for her, is our oldest. My daughter feels obligated only because she is the sole provider of grandchildren-- but she is a teacher, a mom and a wife, and has a hard time making time. So grandma pouts, cancels out on family events because "no one will come to see me".
She's old. She's in her 80s. She's awful.
I'm glad I don't have to see my ex or his awful mother anymore, and on the rare occasion I do, it's at a family event with plenty of other people I can chat with.
All he and his mom get from me is a cordial help and goodbye. I am as boring as I can with those two.
She and her son both had horrible childhoods, he has abandonment issues because he was adopted, but look, I have childhood trauma too. But I didn't turn into a hateful narcissistic vindictive person.
Yeah, I became a codependent people pleaser, but I've broken that mold now.
I pray my oldest daughter will see that she can't please everyone, and that she needs boundaries and to put herself first. And to limit her time spent with these people, to not feel OBLIGATED to give much time to them just because they're "old" and "sad". Or because she has kids.
Her dad and her grandmother are two of the most self-centered, manipulative, vindictive people I have ever met.
I pray my kids see through this all, and find healing and safe ways to interact with their dad and grandmother.
But I think it's already making an impression on the kids since I divorced him. Without me around as a buffer, it's clear now who and what their dad and grandma are.
And you know what? Dear ex husband, if you are reading this comment,
I. DO. NOT. CARE.
Think what you will.
The truth hurts, and you *know* why I divorced you.
Suck it up, buttercup, I'm a free person now, and I am free to tell my story.
And as I heal and get braver, I'm going to tell it if I want.
If you and your momma wanted people to say nicer things about you, then you should have behaved better.
Please do a video on how to heal that feeling that i have waisted so much of my life on her and my energy. I still have that physical sickening feeling when i hear her voice or anger of not able to say what i think. The self control of just ignoring her.
I have began a series on recovery I’ll put something together on that for the series
It took me so long to finally SEE it in my covert narc mother. My husband sensed something was off with both of my parents the day he met them. He and I would get into arguments all the time and sadly it was easy for me to blame him for the hell that was breaking loose, after all, it wasn't until he showed up that everything got so bad. Now I see it for what it was. My husband told me I was allowed to say 'no' to my parents and set boundaries and THAT'S what triggered their rage and toxic behaviour towards us as a couple. It wasn't until last year in January, just a little over 7 years of marriage, that I finally broke down for the last time and saw clearly the nightmare my husband and I had been dealing with. I feel so much better now being 99% no contact. I have been blessed with an amazing husband and fabulous in laws. I wish my husband could say the same about his.
I'm about to marry the golden child of 2 narcissistic people. I got it early on because I grew up in a somewhat healthier environment but my other half completely clueless. I became their scapegoat very quickly, made even more difficult by the fact they're french and I'm not fluent so a language barrier issue... Hell on earth. Just before covid hit, we'd moved to France from the UK. Long story short a chain of events meant we were stuck in their main house for a period of months, luckily we were not all living together but there were frequent weeks we would all be under one roof. The abuse became unbearable and I completely changed tactics which rattled them and made them attack harder. I was then completely stuck with what to do next because my partner still completely oblivious to what is going on and often defending them. I'd then decided I was going back to the UK (for various reasons) with or without him, naturally he was 100% coming with me. I then started my quest to get my partner to see all of this for what it actually was. I made mistakes but I'm so so unbelievably grateful he now fully sees it and the abuse he receives. After leaving, being safe and naturally distant from them we worked hard together on what we do moving forward with some really hard truths, pain, tears and screaming matches along the way we have literally just told his parents what the rules are... I.e what the level of contact will be moving forward and what behaviour we will not accept. Straight away she was panicking about what that means for her when we have children so now I know exactly what she wants to abuse next! I was already very anxious about this but we're not there yet so this is for the future but I'm almost certain this is going to go the route of complete no contact for the lot of us with many more toxic crap coming my way before we get there. I'm just so so so lucky my man is who he is otherwise I could be telling the story of why me and my fiance went through a nasty breakup!
It's as if you knew me. My family and I are no contact about 4yrs now after a period if 7yrs of abuse. Some details: she'd just take my baby from my arms, no asking! Pit my kids against each other or against me. at the time they were about 2 and 5 yrs old. I swear she tried to make me get a miscarriage with my 2nd child. Pit her son against me, always did exactly what we asked her not do do, concerning our kids. Things that she should know about. (don't give those tiny toys to the child, it's a choking hasard! Instead she found ways to do it anyway!) (please, we prefer they don't play with your cat because of germs and accident, yet 2mins later, i caught her aggressively rubbing their little hands in the cat's fur! Her face was one I had never seen! I was so surprised I couldn't bring myself to speak! The kids knew we just asked her not to do it and they were also looking weird as she was manually and aggressively taking their little hands and doing it! Always imposing on every single mother's day and birthday of mine. Every holiday we booked, every birthday of the kids... for 7yrs! She invited herself through her son. She never asked him always announced... It goes on, it's endless! I'm thinking she is more of a malignant narcissist/sociopath. Very charming but quite nasty! No one would believe these things. Everything fault was flipped on me in my back while I hadn't the slightest clue about anything... Her husband stays quiet but seem to be part of her. They seem to be one, he spies for her. Things like, what the neighbour said, which date we have marked out on our calendar, what were the others talking about in the next room etc... Together with her other son, She even Invited my husband's x-girlfried to dine with us, although knowing we were not on speaking terms...
She's a nightmare.
The sick part is that these miserable women actually have husbands! That's something I could never wrap my mind around!
Nailed this one. My MIL was a covert narcissist, but she died. But, my wife's older sister picked up the torch and a - which in a way, I became one. So, I fed right into their tactics. They alienated me until we almost divorced because I resorted to drinking to cope. My wife would not fart without checking with her sister. My BIL had my boys thinking I was an evil incompetent man. But, I recovered and we reconciled and moved away from my narcissistic in-laws after they forbid my wife from seeing me (yes, you read that right). When we reconciled, they said that they were going to have to "back away." Now, we are happy and healthy as a family. We have had very little contact with the inlaws in 18 months. They have tried to hoover (mainly through our children on social media) but we have largely ignored it and not fed into it. So much for backing away. But, they do try from time to time (about every six months). I've gone from having an anxiety attack to largely laughing it off. I tried every way to actively fight my inlaws, but nothing worked. They always feigned innocence and largely turned it around on me (and I am a lawyer). So, in the end, we went no contact and it was the only thing that worked. If you do not interact with them, they cannot say that you said or did anything. We now make out own decisions and live our own life.
Jeaulosy, exploitation, drama , rage, manipulation. I wias shocked. I was so naiv. A teenager. Not familiar wirh such patterns. I could bearly stand it il was so afraid of the marriage day. Of what to expect. To become humilated.
You nailed it . I felt reminded in these terrible times.
This is so spot on and very accurate. I have been married to my husband for 25 years and we are finally coming to terms with her being a narcissistic mother and mother in law. Her personality comes across as sweet, charming, and pleasant, but then later she is demanding, critical and downright abusive. She has always been controlling towards my husband and gives him unwanted advice and tries to make him do things she feels he ought to be doing. When he was younger, he was more willing to do as she said so as not to cause trouble, but over the years as we have aged and are now well into our 50s, she continues to treat us like children. She will say things like "Why don't you move to a better house," "Why don't I buy a nice big house and we can all live there?" She is constantly offering to 'help me around the house." She will nag and criticize the state of our house and tell us what repairs need to be done. Then she offers to show up and do these repairs. She wants to pay for a kitchen re-model and she tries to give us money, and she wants to be in charge of everything we do. When we wanted a new floor, 8 years ago, she insisted on buying it herself and getting a crew to install it. Then the floor fell apart and now it doesn't look good anymore and she offered to fix it, but we refused. She nagged us about it for months. She calls every single week-end and if my husband doesn't call, she gets worried and accuses him of being depressed or she asks me whether he has a drinking problem or a mental health issue. She tries to pull information out of me by asking me intrusive and personal questions. She came to visit us on Sunday, after a long period of not seeing us, and we ate out at a restaurant and she was pleasant, but then afterwards, she began talking about how she and her husband can come over to fix that hole in our wall, and what day can we come by to do that? My husband is not a confrontational person and he has an agreeable personality, but she makes us feel like children and we are always saying no to her, but she tries to find ways to work around us, by asking our teen daughters how they feel about our house and wouldn't you girls like a bigger house? etc. Then two days later, she called me when I was home and all alone. She began grilling me about my husband and asking if he's been drinking, and what's wrong with him, why is he withdrawing into himself and he is not calling me anymore? Then she demands to know what we are doing and how is our love life and does he have any physical problems and is he being a decent husband and how can I stand living like that, in that awful house. Then she says, "Your house is such a mess! You really can't go on living like that! You can't raise children in that house, its a mess! You can't have people come over seeing all those repairs, and your kitchen needs an overhaul and how dare (my son) keep ignoring all these problems. Don't you think you would be better off if you had the means to go live in a nicer place? You certainly wouldn't keep living there like that if you had the means now wouldn't you?" I finally told her I cannot discuss this and I was uncomfortable, but she keeps on and on, and says "Oh but you should talk about this, its very important to be open about this stuff, even if we don't like it, we need to talk about this so we can try and fix it." Finally, I was able to say (for the third time) I have to go now, I am out of time, and I am going to say bye now. Last night, I wrote her a letter which was written from both me and my husband and we told her we are going to go "No Contact" with her due to her abusive, critical and intrusive behavior. I blocked her from my cellphone and I told my husband he needs to block her as well. She lives 85 miles away, so she's not going to run over to see us. We told her she is no longer welcome at our home and we will not be going to visit her. We told her we wanted her to respect our boundaries and be a loving grandmother to her two granddaughters.
Thats a covert narc. The absolute worst kind. Prepare your kids because she will try to get to them.
Did you tell her she was crossing boundaries before shutting her out? I know where you're coming from but also feel open discussion at least offers the other person a fair warning before ostracising them. She sounded very lonely & was desperately trying to fit in somehow. Sometimes I feel going no contact to elderly people is too harsh. So that's why having a convo with her might have been beneficial.
I am on this ongoing situation. I used to question myself, am I jealous ( seems my husband or his mother thought of me like) or MIL is the one having the problem and what she really wants. Lately my husband and I has been arguing regarding her creepiness. I told him about how I feel when we are altogether at home and when I am left alone with her. She seems having tantrums in a way that she messed up right after I clean, dump her clothes even her underwear anywhere and many more disgusting weirdness act behind her caring , softness and religious routines. I slowly teaching my husband to delay her requests and turn down lots of things that she provides for my husband with the dialogues of " your favorite', it's delicious" "its better'. I am not so sure if my husband is unable to accept the fact that his mother is manipulative, controlling or possessive. Until now he says that I am just finding fault or mistakes of her mother, she don't know what to do that's why she is asking his help, he had enough for me and he gives me one last ultimatum.
How did you get your husband to see her narcissism?
@@SarahMJordan He's seen it for a long time. He told me when we first met that his mother could be difficult sometimes and that she was bossy and controlling. Her house is so perfect, so perfectly polished and clean and nothing is out of order. She told me people judge you by your house. She is wealthy and can afford a brand new polished up house. My house is old, and needs some painting and fixing up, but I am busy with chores and appointments for my kids. She is the smothering type of narcissist. She doesn't do evil things, but she just nags and criticizes us and treats us like we're children. She's the type that wants to love you to death and make you do what she thinks is best for you.
There was one time that my narc mother-in-law was so upset that one of her sons was not going to spend the night after a evening birthday party. She made the Assumption this one son of hers was going to spend the night that night when he told her no I don't know where you got that idea from I'm not going to spend the night she became Furious. I knew she was going to make us all pay for that. Her sons were in the car ready to go to the party and I was standing at the front door with her watching her lock front door. She turned the lock from the inside and as she was pulling the door shut she threw her entire keychain into the house shut the door and said oops I locked my keys in the house. So at her son's birthday party everyone was in a tizzy about how they were going to handle getting mom into her home because she locked her keys in the house. I explained to them many times that she threw those keys in the house and shut the door. But their saint of a mother would never do anything like that. And I'm just a crazy vindictive daughter-in-law.. but I saw it with my own eyes. They were all in the car they didn't see it, I did!
don't warn them anymore for two reasons : 1. it's a waste of time and 2. it could become quite dangerous for you bcz she could turn you into her escape goat and that would mean you'd get blamed for everything. enjoy being invisible to her and her enablers trust me.
@@issamifijjaj9508 she passed away 12 years ago. Now I have to deal with her sons. But not for long.
@@issamifijjaj9508 when I heard "you are trying to separate me from my mom", I stopped. Saddly, I'm not invisible anymore. Now I'm the bad person.
Just like my mother in law... Turns out her son... My ex husband is one too. A touch evil about these people.
Spot on Sarah, they are just horrible people to deal it. You lose yourself in these types of relationships. Especially dealing with the covert types as they are so lovely and sweet to everyone else. Just mean and wicked to you when nobody is looking so you can't prove anything. But you are not alone in this. Sending blessings....💕
Spot on about a narc MIL. Mine did everything you mentioned to undermine our marriage and our children. This including smearing my name repeatedly around our children that I wasnt aware of at that time. So much that so, that my then 10 year old daughter would rebel and say some very adult things to me specifically. Such as "Everyone thinks you aren't a good Dad", "Everyone knows you are faking your health problems"!!! Today my two oldest adult children are alienated from me on some level all bc they were brainwashed. My youngest son wasn't around them as much because my wife's families toxicity and their wanting to destroy my relationships with my children was very apparent about 10 years ago. Since then, he's only spent time around them that was supervised by us so it's no surprised that he isn't brainwashed like the rest. Also it's no surprise that my oldest kids have narcissistic tendencies because of being regularly exposed to their dysfunction. It didn't help that my (I now know) covert narc wife ALSO joined in on the Dad bashing and also participated WITH and encouraged this behavior with our two oldest from birth. The only reason why I found out about my wifes colluding, bad mouthy me to them regularly was bc my youngest, who's most like me personality wise, came to me to tell me about this in tears. He said he was incredibly bothered whenever the family would regularly badmouth and gossip lies about me behind my back. He said he felt horrible telling me but it hurt him to hear the things they were saying about me. I listened to him and validated him but was careful not to bash his mother bc he was already traumatized by this. I wanted to find out specifically what was being said, so I bought a voice recorder and placed it in our vehicle and honestly I hated myself at that time for violating her privacy but this was serious. I had recording of her, and my 19 year old son gossiping about me like two chatty Kathys. I couldn't believe the lies, and the fact that his mother AND my ADULT son were doing this. I had caught her doing this with our daughter years previously and asked her to stop and made it clear I wouldn't tolerate undermining and toxic bs in our fanily. Well it's safe to say that she never stopped for YEARS bc of how comfortable they all were at smearing my name on that recording. Folks, if you see dysfunction in your gf or bfs family....pay attention to it bc there's a very high chance it'll be your fanily dynamic in your family. Do NOT tolerate this. If it happens even once make it clear to your SO that if it happens again that you will walk away. This all has strained and alienated my relationships with my two oldest that probably never will heal bc they are narcissistic from the exposure to her and her fanily along with years of parental alienation. If you see this early on, run bc it won't change.
I get you dude. My ex wife and her family were the same if not worse. Luckily we didnt have children when i divorced her
Covert Narcissist mother in law and covert narcissist wife, the apple does not fall far from the tree. I have tested both mother and daughter on topics recently were a normal person would show empathy. I got the opposite reaction. Shame I didn't ask such questions before I got married.
nailed it! you just described my MIL
omg mine to... she COMPLETELY destroyed my family. hurt my youngest daughter the most and turned my husband into someone else... I don't know this guy... he runs to her for everything.. treats her the way I should be treated.. while he cuts me down. verbal abuses me.. turned my son against me... he's 18 now and is getting better at not disrespecting me. she had everyone who know the family, think I'm a bad mom and told a BUNCH of lies about me. I never hated anyone before...but I'm getting better
@seeds of truth,
I can completely relate to your situation!! She has told lies about me & is trying to make me look like a bad mom as well. Same thing, she has hurt my youngest daughter the most but when her behavior is brought up, she says in her most, innocent, sweetest voice that "it wasn't her intention to hurt anyone".....I call bullshit. She knows exactly what she's doing. She paints the picture of the most amazingly wonderful, kind, smart, perfect family for the public and she will do anything to protect that image. She will blameshift, deny, ignore, etc. Of course, covert narc husband doesn't stand up to her or really see anything wrong with her insidious behaviors, so I'm of course the black sheep that she must get rid of because I'm not going along with her program. It really is like they are a cult.
@@caseyseeger1628 Because they really are a cult. The more research on this I do, and the more people I speak to that used to be in the family, the more answers I get about things I remember the things that would hit my ...(I guess I can call it my 3rd eye or very aware of my ability to pick up energies that people give off, and from that sometimes it will give me a vision of what they are actually up to, then the emotions I have from the person saying on thing then not matching up with my intuition, or clairvoyance just to have an understanding of what I mean.)
When I was younger I had no idea what this was exactly. I thought everyone was just really mean or liars. I learned that I just had more awareness than most people. or my gifts were on more then other people's were. I was 15 1/2 the first time I met his mom and I instantly felt that she was off. I thought to myself.."she's not his mom"... what a strange thing to think right?! well I am 38 now and all the things I pricked up on I remember and the answer's I have come across today for that type of behavior, is INSANE! I had no idea what they were doing or why they were doing it because of how mean it was, at least to me it was unnecessary, my family was not like that at all and I never met anyone else who acted the way they do. Always concerned about everyone elses judgment, especially being embarrassed..omfg so obsessed with EMBARRASSING situations and the situation was everything. So unhealthy for a child to grow up thinking that this is how everyone is.
Unfortunately, my seeking of what this is and why, how it started, what makes people this way, I have found that it makes sense to me that, most people have their own personalities/habits that makes them uniquely THEMSELVES.... so what is it that all these people are exactly the same in what they do to people who are not the same as them. Naturally human being's have different personality they do do not so what is really going on here....lol
So far.. I have come to the conclusion that it has to do with a variety of factors all together, all the time until they become programmed or BRAINWASHED into believing it. First it's in the home already, the PARENTS are in this belief, as the child grows the family unit is usually religious, (not spiritual or more about the nature and love) it's fake love, usually if they do something for you or they do something that is perceived as kindness or a birthday, they will make you feel obligated to do something for them in some way or another, the public perceived kindness is for their image /reputations. ANYTHING to protect that facade. Well I am sick of dealing with this situation as she still controls my husband and now they only talk to him as before I was in the group chat not him, now I have no idea what they have going on and my husband doesn't talk to me about ANYTHING. He talks to his mom instead of me. She is such a busybody.
He is constantly telling his sisters and mother our personal life and involving them in situations about our kids that is personal matters meant to stay between us. He has emotional incest with his mother which is also known in Psychology as emotional enmeshment. I could go on and on... if you go deep enough you can see it in the way the schools have been set up to run in this kind of way. It is how the news is, the movies, government, hospitals, banks, everything even the history is manipulated to make people believe in lies to program us to be exactly how our husbands family is. crait's crazy. connect the dots. The goal is to keep us all devided, against each other, with out a strong bond with our family, and our generation is the one that they made sure was a broken unit in our personal families... this is much bigger than us and I really appreciate your sharing of your situation. I have tried to find information about my situation and it was never really what I'm going through, until I saw your comment that was similar to mine. Thank you , I have a bit of stress taken from my shoulders. I know that I am not crazy, it is them not us. I am going to tell my side of this without revenge in mind. I tell the truth about my own life and it will take it's own course. Not my fault if they don't like what I say, they had no problem invading my life without even speaking to me, so I think I have every right to speak out about my own life lol
Lol same. Mine was exactly like this to a T and also super slutty on top of that
Thank you for this! Narcissistic mothers and mother-in-laws,such an important topic. They destroy so much, unbelievable.
Wow! This is like a checklist of the mother-in-law of my first marriage almost 40 years ago. She strongly met every single one of these signs. EVERY ONE! She would come into my house unannounced and remove all my military awards from where they were hanging on the living room wall and deposit them in one of the back rooms. Then she would brag to her friends how her daughter had married a military academy graduate. When I wouldn't comply with all her demands, she convinced her daughter to divorce me and funded her extensively to ensure the courts granted me as little time as possible with my son, who now as an adult hates my guts. I can only imagine the gaslighting and lies she fed him. None of her narcissistic ways were visible in the least until after I married her daughter. Then began 6 years of hell, the scars of which I still bear. Seething hatred is too mild a description of my feelings towards her. She is now an old woman. Her husband is dead. Her daughter (my ex) is dead. Her only grandchild is my son, who by appearances doesn't give her the time of day. I feel like asking her, "Was it all worth it?" But I have no desire to re-open any contact with that raging narcissist.
Mine hates me so much, she won't even let me "worship" her. If I giver her too much praise she thinks I have ulterior motives. Its almost funny seeing her twist up her logic to pin her own dislike on me. Every few months, after being fake as heck to me, she goes to her son saying "I don't know why, but I don't think she likes me". I'm always flabbergasted because I generally don't make final decisions on people like that and I do a lot to show gratitude and agreeableness. Then it dawned on me, if this idea keeps coming up no matter how I act around this person, its because SHE doesn't like me. Since I suspected that for years it didn't surprise me when she started being more open about her disdain. Now she's gone full blown high school girl and had a whole "private" conversation about me in earshot. Normally I would confront that kind of behavior, but this time I let it happen, told my partner, and texted that I'm not doing Christmas. I returned fire in such a way that she now has to take an active roll in this and there are very few options for her not to look like a total mean girl.
I wish i could like this video million times over this is exactly my mother in law and i have been in that abuse for 16 years and only realised it this year so for the first time in years I don’t feel like this crazy rage monster. Thank you so much for the help
My covert "innocent" KAREN mother-in law told our 3 year old son if he didn't stop running around she would put a noose on his neck.........and made it about me making a big deal out of it because she didn't mean it in "that way"......
My mother in-law took my husband out of the will and put our son in his place. Giving my husband's portion to our son. All in spite.
Pure evilness!
Lol my husband’s grandma wrote a check to each grandchild as a gift. My hubby’s mom won’t give it to him lol
Money 🤑
She controlled him, my husband through Money. His daughter made up lies about me...we had a big unannounced argument with her at the doorstep, after that we went no contact with her and his daughter. You can't change toxic people. Needless to write we are pretty certain she took us out the will and it's his daughter now getting her reward. We believe that they are both narcs. That my husband survived is a miracle.
Seeing his mother now on the street gives me chills and I had to train myself to simply ignoring her
My life my children’s life’s where in bits after my narc in law but my husband saw in the end and we are 1 year into no contact got an email the other day from her. I ask what he was going to do? He said nothing she’s not going to change 😎🤩👏🏻🥳 healing ❤️🩹 as a loving family now it’s been a gift. 🕊🙏 please do more on in-laws there is almost nothing out there on it ❣️
100% should be more on in-laws because the relationship is literally like nothing else. Because it's not your family it's completely different to a child/parent relationship you see plenty of content on and as the partner of the abused kid, now you're also being abused, unboxing this world of 'what the hell is this crap', whilst your partner can't see it and also thinks your crazy not having a clue what to do. I'm not sure how anyone is sane after that 🤣
Darren you are so right.. I am married to the son of a narcissistic mother..the family was unaware of the negatives of her....I opened up her son's eyes ...none of her tactics work on her son....and he never opens up too much to her ....he is able to do this only because he is staying in a different country...
Absolutely spot on, this is my MIL to a tee.Thank god after twenty years, she moved far away from us. Most toxic human.
Thank you for this video. This video describes to a T my mother-in-law. It’s been 28 years of marriage, and just now can I put a name to her maliciousness, vindictiveness, emotional abuse, and even physical abuse directed at me, my husband (her son), and our children (her grandchildren). Yes, she now treats my children the way she has always treated me, and it is sad and horrific to see. After three strikes, I don’t speak to her anymore, even if I am in the same room.
read When he's Married to Mom! about narc MILs
This cruel, cunning, envious, vindictive, victim blaming seems to me to be worse in MILs. I was already in burn out when we finally moved to be near the in-laws. It took her 8 months to break me. I had a nervous breakdown made worse because my partner refused to see her for what she is. I made him aware of the abuses and we tried to set boundaries so she saw red and went for the kill! Still struggling 2 years later with a sense of betrayal I can't forgive.
you are amazing, i was looking for this answer for 4-5 years!
Shockingly accurate down to specific details!
Sometimes the children of these narcs are codependent. This makes the situation even worse. They can see that there is an issue, but cannot muster the emotional strength to do anything about it. Intense therapy is about the only hope.
Yea I can believe my mother in law is Narcissistic! I just cried and told her how her son treats me me a few days later she is jumping to joy about it to her son it’s a really hurtful feeling especially since my parents are deceased I wanted to be close to her but I don’t deserve to be treated like this from her or her son…Currently I am in therapy to cope with grieving of my parents it’s the stuff that my husband and her put me through is very unbearable to take…
I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you have found a way to get time alone to rest, grieve and renew your strength.
Get away from them permanently as soon as you can. Be sure to tell your therapist that their behaviors are really what drove you to counseling in the first place.
Me too. I wanted to be close. Both my parents are deceased, long ago. Well it started off well, it went from nice, to passive aggressive, to outright nastiness from MIL. Now mother and son are living together. He is in a caring eternal handyman role...and im on the outer. So sad, so maddening. I recently gave him a bit of an ultimatum. I dont think im going to end up with happiness. I really love/d him. Its so sad and so maddening to experience and watch. How the hell are you meant to deal with these people? They do your head in.
I am so sorry you lost your parents. Please take this from someone who has been married a long time.....keep in laws and family out of marital problems. It will always come back to bite you!
girl, run
I am in awe with how on point this is!!! I wish I couldn't relate 😩 😥.
Sooooo painfully accurate
this video was so incredibly validating. thank you🙏🏼
Mine is text book narc.We stay away.
I thank God my husband choose to support me, and stood up for me. My mother in law first red flag was giving me gifts almost every week insignificant stuff nothing special just whatever. Started insinuating that I was with her son for money, when we bought our first home she stop talking to me for no reason at all, and once said to me that I have changed since we bought the house, she stop talking to me for not sending a picture of her granddaughter daily, she makes bad comments all the time and walks away and comes back loke nothing Happens. She does not allowed any help in the kitchen during special holidays and but after the party is over she reminds everyone that no one helps her that she has to do it all, that we are ungrateful. It's exhausting.
This was such a helpful video thank you! Would you consider making a video for people with childhood ptsd navigating Narc in laws? I find myself always questioning my own boundaries and due to my childhood I have a hard time in the moment seeing things clearly. I tend to always give others the benefit of the doubt and always blame myself for being uncomfortable. In many ways it seems to make my MIL worse. She has realized her son doesn’t usually put up with her behavior so she directs everything at me knowing I have trouble saying no or shutting down intrusion
Please do one specifically for toxic sister in laws!
to all the people in the comments who shared their experiences: I felt all of that in my soul
Thanks for this. 30 Years of tears and no one understands or sees reality. My question is what nice things can one say when asked by spouse to contribute to their mothers eulogy and you really want to say good things- the reality of love, sweetness and caring other people got and saw.
Yep. My MIL will throw literal temper tantrums, screaming, stomping, mocking, name calling, slamming doors and objects and this response usually comes when she doesn't get her way, when you tell her "no" and don't fall for her manipulation. She gives the silent treatment for things like someone not reading her mind and doing exactly what she wants, or for someone being at work or away and unavailable to physically come meet her demands... she's psychotic... She'll leave cat poop/vomit/urine on the floor and even walk threw it instead of picking it up because it's "not my job" she leaves wet towels to mold and rot because it's "not her job" rather than communicate with anyone about anything. She loses her mind if she's ignored or thinks she's being ignored.
....don't get me started...I need a ghost writer for my story. Thank you that was validating.
OMG, THIS VIDEO IS SO MADE FOR ME
I had one of them who defended her narc son, my ex, to the hilt. But she also tried to control me, even after the divorce.
U hit the nail on the head 👏🏾👏🏾
Painfully accurate in every word!
My covert narcissistic mother actually did the opposite. She immediately adopted my husband as the new Golden Child. In fact on the day we said that we wanted to get married, she made a point of confiding in him my faults, with guidance on how to mitigate them. She would lavish praise on him and defer to his opinion, while basically ignoring me, her daughter. Any good idea I had, or helpful thing I did, would be retrospectively attributed to him. He, lovely chap that he is, was distressed and confused by her dismissive behaviour towards me and called her out on it many times. We couldn't understand what was happening and distanced ourselves on-and-off for many years. Now that we have belatedly found this topic, we have better tools. Thank you for the validation, Darren.
Can you do a video on narc SIL/DIL how they break up family bonds ? How and why they turn your child against the parents?
How they turn your child into someone you don’t recognize anymore?
I want to thankyou for your accurate and informative video, my wife and I watched this and my wife has just said, you would almost think that you where describing her mother,, it's sad and terrifying when we listened to these Taylor made aspects of her battle plan and daily behaviour, not just with us but unfortunately with our children, her grand children, all of this is being watched by The Lord and it is He that will in His time deal with her, thankyou so very much for taking the time to make such an eye opening and extremely accurate video on this awful behaviour and subject.
Wow. I can not believe what I am hearing. This is exactly true!! Wow. I am in shock right now. And my husband is so use to it he thinks it's normal. And that she is such a good person. And if I say anything I am the one that's wrong. He attacks me. What can I do? I don't know how much longer I can do this. I love my husband and I am always praying about it but I am only human. I feel like I am going to break... How do you handle this?!?
It's disappointing and shocking the day you realize how bad it is and how a grown person can allow themselves to have no opinions or stand up or even realize that it is not normal. They don't allow their kid to grow up and stroke their ego bc they can never be wrong. So it becomes mil and son against the argumentative stubborn crazy (yes she said crazy but denied it when confronted). It's ego as my mil would trample all over her only child as long as she gets her way and her needs met. Same with her grandkids she soooo loves. Couldn't give a damn unless she's in the mood, it's in her schedule or it's an opportunity to showcase them to others. When they were little unbeknownst to me she would parade them in the neighborhood look I'm the perfect grandma, visit neighbors homes with them without me knowing, letting them walk on a busy sidewalk at 3 yrs old pretty far back never heard of holding hands. Then the treats I've begged not to give before meals are "their secret". I busted my butt to homecook every day so they can eat healthy. Then at her place and tries to portray herself only when she is in the mood as cook of the year but keeps giving or offering my kids junk food. It's never ending. Its worsened since her husband died. He always disagreed with her. Now she's like an out of control dictator no one is game to say STFU to
This is so absolutely accurate. My husband’s ex-wife was narcissistic. We have watched from a distance as she has had a terrible effect on the adult children’s relationships. One child escaped by moving far away. In the other case, our son-in-law thought she was wonderful - for a while. My husband tried to warn him this was not the case but he had to learn for himself over the years and grew to hate her. Unfortunately my step-daughter is one of those you describe at the end - unaware of her mother’s real nature She seemed completely under her mother’s control to the point that her marriage is at great risk. The narcissistic mother has died but the damage seems to be continuing as her daughter is swamped with grief and unable to cope, at great emotional cost to her family life with her husband and children. We’re not sure if the marriage will survive as so much damage has already been done. It’s heartbreaking.
Is it possible for them to start off as friendly but if you either enter they’re space to often to be with your spouse and suddenly they get annoyed at them for coming over to often?
My MIL not including me in family photos while I sit there and watch. Even at my own wedding. Her words: “I want photos with my real children”
Makes everyone a mask with their initials on except me
We literally couldn’t do anything on the weekend without her knowing. One time we had to send her someone’s wedding registry because she didn’t believe that’s why we couldn’t spend the day with them. I had such anxiety every-time the weekend rolled around cause it’s like she controls our weekend time. And omg the waterworks and “you’re crushing my heart” if she couldn’t see my son whenever she wanted. “I don’t know what I did to hurt you but I love you”
Good Morning 🌄 Darren, Discuss the Flip side of this. Almost every aspect of what you just Outlined Described my brother's wife, or daughter in law.lm of of 4 sons , 3 years apart, lm no. 3. I've never seen anyone more prepared to have children than My Parents. WW 2 gen. Married late20s. Dad worked 20 min.from home 🏡, as Pharm. D. At Hospital, Lived in Country,. Horses, Dogs, motorcycles, It was like an Idealic TV program.Mom stayed home, Had a Faith Base, but not overboard. Parents Helped Everyone buy Houses, cars, education, baby sat children, for days on end during summer. I watched for years, My sister in law, do exactly what you Outlined here, and my brother either make excuses or be embarrassed
Everything you say is down to a T with my mother-in-law.
Sad thing is our parents use to be friends since childhood she was adopted as a baby.
*Needing validation attention, will guilt trip and shame who she can.
*Her eldest son she will not tell him who his bio father is because she never knew hers. Multiple lies storys and photos.(we got her a family tree DNA test kit for Christmas)
*She values herself based on how others admire her.
*Wasn't happy her son Moved out and moved 200k away she had to follow.
*She will always offer to help with certain things but then tells everyone she was made to do these things.
For instance she will offer to have her grandchildren over for a sleep over once every 6 or 12 months but then tells people she was made to look after them.
*Never wants to listen or help her son when he's down or has issues her problem's are more of a concern.
*She picks holes and contradicts herself. Always saying I never said that or I never did that, with proven evidence.
*Lied to the drs for years about having a heart problem seeing multiple drs having to put her on plasibos because there isn't a problem with her heart.
*Only apologizes when necessary to her and always due to her heart and how she was feeling that day.
*Wasn't happy nor she congratulate us when her son proposed she was more worried when we where coming back to pick the kids up when we had only gone out for dinner not Evan 2 hours.
*So much more I could add to it but would go on and on.
@darren, I had the opposite experience (daughter of narcissist, scapegoat): my husband was a secondary golden child whom she tried to use to "prove" how difficult and terrible I was, to justify her loathing and poor treatment of me. That could make an interesting video for you, and how the partner can help the child of the narcissistic mother to detach or otherwise support the marriage and not enable the narcissist.
Yes I agree, please speak on this perspective @darren. I’m the scapegoat adoptee of an enabled narcissist adoptive mother. She was trying to make my husband her new golden child smh
Oh my gosh... you described my mother-in-law exactly. It's like you were there.
Some play Betty Crocker but is really Livia (I.Claudius reference).
I get it and love the reference
You just described my mother in law in the first minute of the video. Thank you for the validation. For 22 years Ive dealt with this toxic intrusive woman and shes almost caused a divorce. She shows up unannounced....I'm at my wits end and she just keeps pushing. I'm like go away and find someone else to harass.
One of the few useful videos on the topic.
Truly eye opening and yes they do it because they are “concerned”. Truly manipulative
This is perfect
Ive been treated like trash from her and my husband has refused to see it. My husband has been in therapy recently for his insidious addiction and is realizing that his dad was an abusive narc, but still sees his mm on the pedestal. He finally told her to not contact us because he's working on personal issues, so NOW she's been demanding I give her info about him and us. I am refusing, but she's got this energetic control over both of us. I see it now, she can be so emotional , but its about her. She's mean to me when no-one else is watching. Example as soon as I enter her home, she tries to engage me into a heated conversation or she'll hug her son and ignore me or she forgets my birthday doesn't even know it, but goes on about sis-in-laws' bds. I am ready for no contact just did with my own overt narc mom(she was obvious). The covert types are harder to spot.
This video spoke to me. I always knew mine needed help. 1st offense- convinced my husband to try to convince me to move outta MY biological families house, so that her other son and his family could move into it.
2nd offense- why dont my husband fly half way across the country to work on his sisters truck, and since he's there...might as well work on her friends car too, but NOO, I can't go with him.
3rd offense-after delaying our Son's birthday party two years ago for her horse show, she shows up with her baby daughter who is spoiled right rotten, sees my husband is having back problems from work, runs home and delays the party longer, only to come back and jam some Capzasin into his back while his baby sister restrained his arms pulling him inappropriately into her low cut shirt area with no escape, while mommy in law was grinding that awful medicine into his back that he absolutely hates, yelling no the whole time.
Me and my sister in law (that is also merely married into the family) say frequently that we could write a book about this sxxt. That's pretty damn sad that there's more terrible stories of Mother-in-Law's insecurities.
So what do you do when your spouse doesn’t truly see it, or just choses not to? My husband is so great in so many ways, I don’t want to divorce him, but I feel like I come 3rd. That my feelings don’t matter. And ultimately his parents( both narcissists) are more important.
How is that a marriage? J feel like I am on the hamster wheel of hell. We discuss the issue, I draw a line and 6 months later it’s broken, and the cycle continues. He holds out hope that things will get better. I now understand that a narcissist will never change. And I am the bad guy because I don’t reward them for an empty apology when they want something (like their son)
Really? What do you do? Ultimately do you need to cut ties with your spouse?
My wife has had to endure her narci-mom her whole life. She has told me how everytime she researches to understand why her mom is the way she is, the results allways point her to the narci-mom. We made the mistake of moving in with her, both to help her, and to help us.
Everything was ok for a time. But at a certain point the mask came off.
It's been hell since then. We try and patch things up and be nice but eventually something else goes wrong.
We are stuck in this for a while longer still honestly, we are close to having enough to move. The trouble is finding a place within our budget is getting very difficult.
Anyway... I have been the target for a while now, for a long time it was very passive aggresdive, now she is just becoming overt.
And I uhh, I have a real hard time keeping my cool about it.
So, my question.
I'm at the point where I really feel that while, as adults(wife and i are in our 40's, narci-mom is in 60's) , we should be able to reasonably communicate I think I should just never speak to her again. This is hard because we're in the same house, and I hate the idea of it.
I'm pretty jovial most of the time. It's honestly hard to do this, I really want to resolve the conflict.
I don't think I can, or it will simply resurface again.
Is there any other approach I can take?
No contact.
There is no approach with narc.
Hurry up and move out.
Grey Rock Method. I didn't know what it was before I really started looking into narc survival tactics. I've lived with my nmil for a DECADE now and thankfully my partner, her son, has never had a good relationship with her. Always known something was off. Mils favourite weapon is passive aggressiveness and silent treatment when she feels slighted, which seems to be daily. We only live with her because my partner had health issues in the past and needed support. We got together but I was moving in from a different country so we had little opportunity to find our own between his health and my low paying job. Only just NOW are we breaking free with social housing. ANYWAY, I discovered that I had naturally begun Gray Rocking her as I was simply DONE with her behaviour but because we rely on her for a roof over our heads, (we both pay her rent of course but still, I have no doubt she'd kick us out for looking at her funny) I simply kept to myself. Share no private info, only engage in talks about mundane shit, keep answers short and to point, walk away, look bored, look tired. Give the vampire nothing.
Thank you.
Mine either tried to force food on me when visiting or she would feed my husband and not me!!! This video is so good
O wow this is so right on The Dot of things ....it's sad
I finally have proof thank u my mother in law is everything u explained. God help me
When my husband and I got our first apartment we immediately got a cat. When we told my MIL on the phone (becuwse my husband was scared to tell her for weeks) she yelled “what the fuck” and ran away from the phone. When we told my parents they said Aw cute, good luck! It was baffling
At first, Idk why I decided to even look this up .. perhaps because I’m looking to write letters to my children about my life and secrets they don’t know about, many of which pertain to my ex mother in law who I highly believe has brainwashed my now adult sons, it began when they were teens. She has a long history of abuse on my late husband, his stories used to make me cringe and cry. Now my middle child won’t even speak to me, I know how I’ve been as a mom and I know it’s not what I’ve done.this was helpful
This video explains to some extent my MIL...but she's LOT more rotten, infectious, bully....recently only...I started getting educated about "NARCISSISM"...That too happened accidentally ...one video on narcissism just popped up in my inbox and I watched it. .then I started subscribing to those channels and and making notes of them...now I clearly understand why these ladies (MIL, SIL) behave like evil 😈 personified....I'm in the process of healing myself and helping my husband (who's the worst victim of these women)understand and heal...without this educative and revealing videos...I could never be able to do this...
I can never sufficiently thank you for your help....
SPOT ON 📌📌📌📌📌📌📍📍📍🎯🎯🎯
Hey Mr Magee, Congratulations your channel is Growing, I can Understand and Relate the way you Explain. Comics and Television programs have made Fun and Sport of Mother in Laws for Generations, what is the old line. " Take my Mother in Law , Please". I would like to Request you do the Flipside , Narcissistic Daughter or Son in Laws, When when Parent in Laws, Are Good, Kind, Helpful, yet Abused by their son or Daughters spouse.
Thank you for your suggestion and kind feedback
@@DarrenFMagee It's My Pleasure, Mr.Magee, I Wish you Health and Success
Thanks for the CE i don't have it in my proffesion