I just typed it.. but for ease I shall ask directly here, lol.. if you have two narcissist parents.. is there an alpha narcissist and how does that work?
Yes because you disconnected easier from the narcissist, it's easy to say "they're bad. This is typical behavior from them " but the enabler, it's harder to do that because of the complex angles they play from.
A few common phrases I’d like to add from my own experiences with an Enabler covering for a Narcissist: “You know that’s just how she is.” “You just have to let it go.” “You just have to fogive her.”
My enabler father...." Why can't you get on with your mother?" I was 14. Now I could answer...because she's a narc who twists the truth, lies and seems to like to torment me..... he would not have believed me, of course but back then I had no clue and just felt inadequate, tongue tied and upset because I was always the good girl, trying to get her approval, so I never did anything wrong.
@@CharRichardson apparently the brain doesn't register its in the past though. I heard of someone who had trauma as a baby and she didn't know why she would have nightmares and anxiety and then someone admitted to her one day that the babysitter tried to kill her as a baby, the brain keeps score!
@@jenniferjacobs228 my mother is a narcissist and my father an enabler, he can’t stand being around her because she causes him to much stress and toxicity. When I left he hired a private investigator to find me. When he found me he begged me to come back cus he couldn’t handle my mom. I told him no you can deal with that on yourself or you can do what I did. He was crying, told him I didn’t care, got tired of dealing with my mothers shit. Ever since he has had anxiety and heart issues. I’m not sorry one bit. Just can’t help myself to feel sorry. Life been way better away from them
I'm really glad you've seen it for what it is and you're taking care of you and your kids 🙏🏻 I wish my mom would've done this years ago, I still always hope she sees it for what it is
The enablers are in a safe position. They are agnostic. They don't directly do evil, but also don't do anything to stop it. It's about positioning. In this position, you can run either way. You won't get called out for doing anything wrong, nor right. Enablers make excuse for bad behavior, and are rewarded with a safe position , but a shallow one.
You nailed it. Dad enabled, played the poor victim. Said everything you listed, i got gaslighting and guilt trips from him. Abuse shame abd blame from mom. It is so lonely. I have no one and never been able to keep friends because i got treated badly.
Exactly the same. I just went no contact and I'm completely alone, lmao. I can go a day and say 2 words to a total stranger, that's it, lmao. I hope I'll find my own people someday. You too.
My Father is the enabler and co-dependent to my Narc mother. This is soooo tragic. So many complicated and messed up dynamics No contact. 1 year. Praise God
It's a horrendous dynamic. I experienced a workplace once where a narcissist was running the place yet wasn't a manager, used company time and vehicles to stalk people and had her flying monkeys do the same, apparently being ok with the criminal consequences. She also had everyone convinced she was an Olympic athlete married to 2 different famous actors. With ZERO evidence. The only evidence she had was a lengthy record with the legal system. It was so pitiful watching these people worship such an individual
My dad was trained into submission through violence early-on in his marriage to my mom. Towards the end of her life she'd brag about throwing plates of spaghetti at his head when they were first married, and how much she enjoyed watching the sauce slide down the wall. She told this story as if it was something to be proud of. All I could think was how psychotic that was. When I finally stood up to her in my early adulthood, my father waited until she'd left the room in a huff and then said, "I'm glad you said something, because I never could have." By then, he'd learned never to stand up to her. It was sad. He knew what would happen. She cut me out of her life for a few years after that night and generally abandoned me for the rest of my adulthood, always holding that moment over my head, but I regret nothing. I stood up for myself. He's been super happy since she passed. He may be elderly, but he's been living his best life. I'm so happy for him! I wish he could have done it sooner somehow but he chose to live with that for almost 60 years.
@Karrie Dee My brother's much older and tells stories of how mom would stonewall dad for days after a fight and my brother would have to communicate for them. By the time I was born, that wasn't an issue anymore. Dad knew to just not say anything. Hence what he said when I finally set a boundary with her.
You missed one of the things they say... "you're just like them (the narcissist), you're just as stubborn, selfish etc for making a fuss and expecting any help or sympathy. " Love your videos, thanks. X
Yep. I got "it think it's because you're alike" and "I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other". Idk wtf my mom meant by us being remotely alike but I've searched DEEP with myself for years wondering if that's true. I can't find it.
At last I’ve got a name for my Mother, the enabler, the quiet lady who never interfered no matter what my Father said to us..we didn’t talk back to him but I always hoped my mother would shut him up..regrettably she never did..
It's my sincere hope that this doesn't sound at all patronizing when I say that you have a fantastic comprehension and articulation of any and all things Narcissism. Excellent channel!
My ex family was a nest of narcissists and apparently I kept attracting two ex spouses that were abusers. So glad I’m in my own now. I’m not people pleasing anymore and am developing higher standards and boundaries. Your video explains my brainwashed survival skill set that kept me trapped. I’m still dealing with all the trauma.
I was super empath of my narcisssistic mother previously from 2012-2020.But as of now i started ignoring her and feeling life better.But the main thing is after absorbing years of abuse,criticism,blaming,threating etc i am turned into a pshycopath myself.i has fantasy of harming others and other all sadistic traits in my mind all time.I have also fantasy of killing everyone especially facebook peoples etc.But thats the result of abuse done with me in previous years.I am a pshycopath and want to destroy everyone
@@bravodiyemon1757 Dude, make friends with those demons. It's not what you REALLY wanna do, it's just your justified rage and anger that someone triggered on purpose, so you'd feel exactly this way. Been there. When I start feeling like plotting people's murders, I go back and ask myself, do I want to kill people in general or just those who hurt me? Or those who behave the way my family did when they were supposed to protect me? That's the fucking difference between the narcs and us. They do destroy people, on purpose and with premeditation. We don't. That's why you're so mad. I am too rn, I guess that's why I'm here reading comments, so I don't feel like I'm the ultimate asshole for trying to defend myself. It's not the whole humanity that failed us, it's just a few mofos, and you don't want to let them win. If you weren't an integrally good person you wouldn't give a shit about any of that. So the humanity in me salutes the humanity in you. I hope you always keep your lights on. Peace and love, bro 💜
This is my Dad. I told my mother she hurt me, and he came over to give out to me for hurting mum. Wow. He is my mother's foot soldier. I am so sick of the dynamic between them. No insight. No self reflection. No growth. EVER. .
'They shame you into feeling bad about feeling bad' wow!! Just to hear it put into words is *so* validating, thankyou Darren, I've learned so much from your presentations in three days! I haven't found a video yet about a 'lost child' turning to a 'scapegoat' role as an adult, after seeing behind the curtain and trying to change the dysfunctional family dynamic. It was hard feeling ignored but now I feel actively targeted and it sucks.
That's very interesting re: lost child turning to a scape goat. I don't know what I used to be but I've definitely become the scape goat some time after my younger sister was born. I am the eldest daughter of the two. I've been trying to figure what happened to the relationship with my dad. I'd love to see videos on how narcissistic parents change the roles on their children.
The roles can and do move around. I am in the same position of scapegoat and exclusion after I attempted to establish what I felt were more reciprocal cooperative adult roles with one another. Essentially acknowledging and working on my trauma and our family relationships. You’d thought I’d threatened their lives or something-my approach was very careful yet met with rage and completely rejected. I used to be the helper but I’m definitely the scapegoat now. It’s like musical chairs. Someone always has to be without a seat at the table/acceptance is always conditional. Allow dominance and never ask for or expect anything. Ugh
My dad and mom were both narcissistic but father was worse and addiction too. Mom enabled him and us children were blamed for a lot of their unhappiness. Now my adult siblings are replaying the roles that were so toxic in our childhood. Dominance and scapegoating is a constant. Narcissistic Golden Child recruits Enablers. I’ve finally surrendered…I have no genuine family connection. They’re actually reaching back to before I entered grade school compiling “evidence” and sharing stories about what a horrible child I was and deserve their neglect and disrespectful behaviors. We’re in our 60’s - it’s so hard to relive this at the hands of my sisters but the more I’ve learned about these disorders I understand why it is occurring. Just wish it weren’t so…
As a child, my mother had the narcissistic traits, my dad was the enabler. What you said, were his exact words. He was also physically violent with me (I think out of his frustration). He could have been there and helped me, but I guess he felt it was easier his way. Now ay 60 yo. I'm beginning to see everything for what it was.
I've been married to a narcissist for decades. I've been in therapy as have our adult children. I've been his apologist for years, excusing his awful and disrespectful behaviour. It was only when my daughter pointed out that he was abusive did the awful realisation take root. The financial, emotional and sometimes physical abuse was hard to deal with. He is very sick now and I'm stuck with a man who can't love, appreciate or give anything of himself except abuse.
For me the phrases from the enablers always seemed to start with, “You have to understand…” “She/he is old, is just tired, is a new mother, is going through a midlife crisis (for 30 years apparently), etc. Of course no one ever needed to understand me. My mother was the queen of enablers. She allowed multiple abusers to openly abuse me. When I confronted her about her devotion, friendship and tolerance of them, she said, “You have to understand, my husband (the king of the abusers) was never supportive of me, so there’s nothing I can do; even long after he left us. She claimed this when she was joyfully hanging out with a man who I had informed her was molesting me from the age of 12, she would regale me with all the amusing things he said or did, even after multiple times when I tearfully reminded her and begged her to just not talk to me about him. “Oh, I forgot. You have to understand, I need a social life!”
My mother in law is the enabler to the narcissistic father in law. I married their oldest of 5 kids. My wife of 31 yrs is covert narc. Her siblings all show various traits. Starting to ravage some of my children now. Information like this video helps put things in perspective and give abuses a name. Sorry I could only push the thumbs up once😬👍
@@icanonlyimagine7626 You have to change yourself and then show them by example, I think. I only found out about all this 2 yrs ago, after a lifetime of narc abuse from family and spouse. My son's then had the same with their wives. We are now all learning together. I wish I'd known back then. I may have been able to avoid teaching my kids the wrong way. But , better late than never 😄
@@jenniferjacobs228 my daughter just recently left her covert narcissist husband, her and her two young kids are living with us. My daughter is overly empathetic, one of the nicest people I know…perfect target. I just don’t want my grands to turn out to be narcs, hopefully since they are mostly with my daughter and our family they will have better chance.
Society needs to stop using a child’s sensitivity in a negative way. Sensitivity is not a weakness nor a negative quality. Sensitivity is just a strong sense when it comes to emotional radar. Being sensitive is admirable and only given to the strong of heart as it takes an abundant amount of strength to get through life with sensitivity in tow. To any young person out there that has strong sensitivity...you have been blessed.
I agree. It seems that people believe those who shout louder. Just take a look at politics. Many people complain about being rule by psychopaths but they keep voting them because they give a false sense of security in terms of "their hands won't shake" but they don't realize that their hands won't shake even to cause mass destruction because they just don't care.
Darren, I really like all of your videos. This one stands out to me especially, because I have a much older sister who is married to a man who is a bully, and she thinks it's okay for him to be a bully with me. He loves to make people feel stupid, embarrassed and humiliated. He also enjoys watching people feel duped, confused and frustrated. You can see the vindictive triumph on his face. They're much older than I am, so they seem to believe they are authority figures over me. I'm a twenty five year old woman. I don't want to be bossed by this new brother in law. My sister calls him a very "strong" man. I think of him as arrogant, not strong. So, my sister's advice to me is to just do what he says, because if I don't, he'll get worse, and find a way to make me "pay for my bad attitude." (!) She takes a lot from him, and says, "It's just his way. You'll just have to let it roll off your back." My sister tells me that she is older and WISER 😂 than I am, so I have to just do as she tells me to do, 😂 and then we'll all get along just fine. It's no pleasure at all for me to be around them, so it'll never be "just fine" for ME. All of what you're saying in this video is true of some types of people! I believe I'm on the brink of having to avoid them both, now.
Since your sister will not listen to reason and this horrible man will not change and will only get worse, your only option is to avoid them both, whatever you have to do. One’s mental health and time are priceless. Good job on your seeing what’s really going on and putting yourself first.
Shocking ,what some will put up with. OMG my father used to say that, the narc did not mean that,there bark is worse than their bite. My dad was trauma bonded from the get go,his first love,he could not see it.
One phrase that I have heard has been; "you turn everyone against you." As the scapegoat in the family, I have been accused of things the narcissists were doing and I was not doing. It is astounding that the person who calls out the abuse and rudeness is the one who is further abused.
I think it's because they can't handle reality and there's always shame involved. In order for the enablers and flying monkeys to recognize the abuse, they have to admit they took part of it and that brings shame so, it's easier to keep blaming the scapegoat. Maybe not all the family members are full blown narcissists but they have many traits.
My role was to make them feel good about themselves. The amount of crap that has been projected on to me beggars belief, but when I asked them to stop, I was called sensitive (not for the first time). When I stood firm, I was called angry, detached from reality, I was told I looked like death warmed up! no idea why she thought that would help. 2+ years later, all I've done is stand certain in my belief that SHE hurt me. And now, after two years of stonewalling me when I wanted to talk, I've been dismissed with a text saying ''we're sorry you're so unhappy, don't bother to reply'' and my enabling father has done nothing. This is her dysfunction but he never got in touch to talk. I don't know if he's not allowed or if he feels this cause is worth upholding.
Don't expect him to contact you. I have also fantasied my siblings would contact me or support me and I realized it's a fantasy that keeps me hanging on and stuck. Don't bother to reply. She said it all...we are sorry you feel...don't reply. That's the narcissistic apology: "I'm sorry you feel that way": 0 accountability.
My father is the enabler.. turned a blind eye even to this day. He watched me being abused. As I have cut my mother and siblings out of my life my father dare not even call me. He’s a shell of a man and couldn’t even protect his child. Therefore my mother has more and more control over the family. She has destroyed her family..
"IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY, AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY!" the ref magnet in her house says. Downright narc!!!. My MIL is a narc and FIL used to be the enabler. When he passed away, the role was passed on to my husband and his brother. How can this craziness stop?
Dear Mr. Magee. First of all, sorry for my English. But I want to say thank-you 1.000 times. I'm 53 years old and in this video you describe almost perfectly my narcisistic family. Always and forever thank-you very much. God bless you and all your audience. 💜💗✝️🙏🔝
Run and try a different therapist. You deserve better and I have one that's so awesome. I couldn't deal with my recent life without her (including a suspect narcissistic father in his middle life crisis amongst other things)
Could you explain more about how therapists blame the victim because i think this may be what I have experienced with them. They make excuses for parents. I think many of them don't really understand that the people they are supposed to help need to understand what happened to them so they will stop blaming themselves. Kids raised in these families don't always understand how bad they were treated and how that treatment created dysfunction in them. It isn't that we are without negative qualities, but where did we acquire these behaviors? We had such awful role models. The fact that we are in therapy means we want to change. We don't want to be like our parents. When therapists don't help you see you were a victim, they can't help you change. Am I making any sense?
@@nancybartley4610 I got the first part of your comment. I don't know all of their motives, but often they are sinister. Many are flying monkeys for the narc parents. Maybe because they get paid by them and because many of them are evil people themselves.
Today the enabler of our family died: my 'mother'. She brought forth the first male to carry on the family name. That son was her idol. I am one of two younger sisters. I saw how my mother shaped my brother to become a full blown narcissist. He would be nasty to his sisters. Like when I had to learn for in important test, but my brother had his music on so loud, that I couldn't concentrate. I asked him, and he put the music louder. I asked our mother to help. Her reply "Well child, I can NOT do that" followed by a sigh and then leaving me. I didn't lose anyone today. My loss was decades ago.
He would say, don't you know your mother is insecure. Looking back, I realize why I didn't understand but now I realize, being insecure doesn't justify abusive behavior.
Don't get me started on the enabler,is the one who brought about all the suffering due to marrying a narc,and being their slave, that lets the narc wear the trousers and contol every aspect of their lives.
Thank you so much, Mr. Magee, for helping me make sense of the unacceptable. I take it you were somehow a witness to the chaotic cruelty of my family of origin.
I wish I knew what enablers were as a teenager. Then I wouldn't have bothered to try to protect mine. I'd have let her deal with her own choices and protected myself, instead of waiting for her to grow a spine.
9:44 Yes to all of these examples. Word for word. My eyes kept growing larger as you listed those phrases. It's like hearing my mother and brother on record.
My mother enabled my father who was also a drug addict. My sisters still deny there were ANY problems in the home. I married one and tried to leave with our kids twice (the army actually interfered.) Finally when he got violent got a court order and a sheriff to help me get my stuff and leave (the kids were grown). Now my adult children are insisting everything was fine. I put my foot down about the big happy family getting together for holidays and refuse to be in the same room with the ex EVER. They have finally stopped asking.
I was quite skilled as an enabler, and I married a narcissistic person. 25 years of mind-bending abuse later, I first read about narcissism and began working to basically disassemble my behaviors and beliefs while building healthier ones.
What happens to make one an enabler? I read so much about it, and it’s really hard for me to comprehend how these people can lie about things they witness, pretend like every lie the narcissist says is true, even when they witness otherwise, and lying to your face about what you say to them. It’s one thing if a person is ignorant, but it’s another when these enablers lie
I believe what makes it extra difficult for me is that the narc is my stepmom, she came into my life shortly after my mom passed away. Overwhelming majority of stories you hear are the birth parents, so the kids only know Mom and Dad to be this way. I've had two dads. The dad when my mom was alive and shortly after which was completely different and loving and devoted. Then she morphed him into a completely different man. It's incredibly heartbreaking 💔 as well none of my family members on either mom or dad's side believe me because they only know the first version. We move to a different state after her passing and did not remain in touch with relatives, only for a few occasions. My life genuinely feels cursed.
My parents EACH AND BOTH played BOTH ROLES... Narcissist and Enabler. Sometimes I don't know HOW I survived? But I did. They lived very long lives too. I cared for them at the end. I have no regrets and no grief. I did what I could which was a lot.
I think that highly self-obsessed abusers like narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths cannot help but to enable each other in family situations. With two of them, that's two of the three roles in the drama triangle filled, with the third role of "oppressor" reserved for the target. There's a fake kind of bonding that occurs with this mutual enabling, by turning onto an agreed mutual target, giving them a break from attacking each other.
This reminds me of the relationship of Ahab and Jezebel from the Bible. Ahab was a weak man who could not get what he wanted without the help from overbearing Jezebel. I see a lot of older couples with this type of relationship. Ahab and Jezebel where BOTH narcissists.
My mom is an enabler of my narcissistic stepdad. She rarely stepped in to protect us (her children) from the emotional abuse, and would even go along with my stepdad and participate in it sometimes. She's still married to him and has been so manipulated and brainwashed over the years that she believes they were trying to do what's best for us and be good parents. Neither of them will take accountability for anything, and the abuse is still going on
Would you be interested to post more videos about children's situations in these cases? Children are so vulnerable, most adults don't care because they are not children, so more of the children's situations need to be addressed, more adults need to stand up for children, or at least for their own younger selves Even more frightening to see, when young children are starting to repeat the enabling sayings or refusing help using the enabling sayings, I don't even know if people should reach out to help those kids, or how they could help?
Darren you're a genius to my ears, to my distress and relief one penny after another dropped. About to listen again to make a few notes. Thank you for helping me to understand. I was one of your early subscribers ... much admiration and respect for your generosity and for how your channel has grown.
Some family members enables so they can benefit in some way. They boost the narc with supply and support and in return the narc supports them in their behaviors, whether they need money or whatever.
Really like your content and perspectives on nacrs and toxic behavior. I was raised by a narc-mom, and she trained me to blame myself for her unhappiness. I've spent most of my life attempting to de-program myself, and your perspective helps. The most tragic irony with narcs is that when they blame others for their pain, they increase their own suffering, and are blind to this. They don't just lack insight into themselves, they actively shun it. Their suffering flows from shame, and so they project it onto the world in the form of contemp and resentment. The different types all spring from the same source. They reflect differing strategies and maps rather fundamentally different psychological pathogies. Their lack of empathy is a product of their lack of insight in all cases, or perhaps their lack of empathy creates their lack of insight. Either way, they are Gordian knots of rage and anxiety and entitlement. Bottomless pits of self inflicted pain and dispair best avoided.
wow...you perfectly described my father...narc mother...peace at any cost, never defended we kids, he accepted Mum's word on everything. This is what I learned to be and married a narc. My son's then learned it from me. Now we all know better and hopefully the next generation will be different.
My father in law is a narc and mom in law is the enabler. My husband has 2 other siblings, his sister also a narc and his little brother is a narc as well. My husband is a flying monkey to all the narcs in his family. I dont know this until the 2nd year of our marriage. My husband is not a narc but he has some traits in him. So ladies, please check out yr future husband background thoroughly and educate yourself about narcissism. The family dynamic is weird…
My friend's mother may be that closet narcisist married to the grandiose, making excuses for him. And once the husband died she started enabling the narcisistic daugther (my friends sister ).
This is the best information and best presentation I’ve seen. Would you kindly consider doing a video on the family scapegoat. I’d really appreciate this. Thank you.
@@DarrenFMagee Found and watched. Spot on with what you say. I figured it out years ago but it's such a comfort to hear it from a professional. Thank you.
Thank you for your intense info. This is extremely interesting& awful at the same time.This explains how the world gets messed up& good people who grew up with love(like me) gets victimized, by feeling sorry for these kids that become crazy angry adults. Kind of like dcfs kids. Very 😔 sad.
Some general ideas why my enabler mother thought it's okay that my narcissist alcoholic violent father was beating me with a table leg. 1. You provoked him. He told you were disrespectful. 2. He's a honest person, it can't be he lies. So you must be slandering him. 3. He had such a tough childhood. 4. You should be grateful. Some kids have it even worse. 5. You are just like your father.
Excellent video. Enablers have a streak of the bully in them. I’ve met two enabling husband/fathers to narcissistic wives. Run from this type of person.
My dad the enabler is so dumb. My narc mom brags about how she ruined my dad’s relationship with his older daughter he had before marrying her. Now she has successfully ruined my dad and my relationship. He is now very close with my brother/moms son from another relationship and my little sister that I highly doubt is even my dads child. What an idiot.
my mother was on the side of her uncle and stepdaughter, and her behavior was very foul when I was acting, trying to record me, and thought I was being possessed by the devil while she was the devil
This sounds like my narcissistic wife's narcissistic mother. All her life, she estranged her husband from the family(her daughters and sons). I think my wife learned this narcissistic behavior from her.
mil is an enabler protecting sil. mil expects my partner to forgive, understand and protect narc sil. mil refuses to understand her role in perpetuating the problem. “excusing toxic behavior “ hits the nail on the head!
Wow you have describe all the women in my family and my husbands family. It has also helped me to check myself less I fall into this horrible behavior of becoming a narcissistic myself. I want my children to be free and independent.
I truly enjoy your videos and I am grateful for the clarity and way they are made. I do have a question. Our family is of a different sort. We have suffered much the last few years through struggles w/financial misfortune and extended family dysfunction. My wife and I adopted our first son through sibling adoption. He is 19 now and for the last 5-7 years has developed what I believe to be R.A.D.s. He definitely exhibits a majority of the symptoms and your videos on narcissism nail him in many ways. My second oldest is now exhibiting them as well. My ability to parent them has become severely strained and unhealthy for me. My wife and I exhibit symptoms of PTSD and abuse. My wife has definitely been the enabler of the family and I have tried multiple forms of parenting trying to work through or around this dilemma. Failure is all that seems to be working. Nobody is talking about the youth today being the abuser of parents. Is this possible? Are parents not abused by their older children or children? We love our boys. There’s so much more to our story but not acceptable to share here. I just want to know if R.A.D.s can lead to narcissistic abuse towards parents. I exhibit most of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. I’m sorry to bother. Thank you for any response.
Hi there I’m sorry but I can’t really talk about individual cases I try to be general in the videos. I have been asked to discuss attachments though is RAD something you’d like me to include?
@@DarrenFMagee there’s nothing very substantial or even specific regarding RADs on RUclips. Some are personal experiences and these are not taken seriously. Some are too general and the way you break down narcissism, I wonder if the same can be done with RADs. It’s quite abusive to the parents who adopt or decide to raise a child who has this. We have been blind sided by it and it’s sadly effected everyone in the family in many ways and it’s even led to financial misfortunes and multiple other struggles. There are some Ted talks etc but nothing regarding the receiving end of this disorder and/or how to deal. Most narcissistic help says to get them away from you, well he’s our son. We can’t! It’s way more complicated when the abuser is your boy. Help. Deception is chronic, gaslighting, talking in circles, triangulating, selfishness, arrogance, terrible cold attitudes, poor influence on other siblings, coldness to parents well being and provisional intentions, etc etc
Oh Dear Gawd, this describes my mother. Dad died two years ago and she's bereft. She keeps talking about how they never had fights - only because she pacified him and then told my brother and I that he was difficult because his parents didn't treat him well. My brother and I got the violence.
After absorbing lots of abuse by my narcisssistic mother,i became a pshycopath.I have thinking about harming others as ocd and feel pleasure about that.but thats only fantasy not reality.In reality i was abused by my narcissistic parents from my childhood,but as of now i am turned into a pshycopath myself
No, you have choices. You know that it's wrong and there will be consequences. You can't always blame others for your choices. It's up to you to heal yourself, if you don't then you are self-abusing. Nobody is making you do anything other than yourself.
@@sharonw2008 But I am not a pshyco. I am an empath of very kind level. I cry when seeing abuse in movies so I am an empath its clear. But my both parents are real life pshycopath. They are extremely difficult people to deal with. They dont have any remorse or empathy. Especially, my mother is a sociopath. When enraged she looks like a monster and attacks any body who wont agree with her. I applied Grey Rock Method with her but she pushes my buttons like Getting me out from home,Threats of physical harm etc. Also she done some kinds of pshycial abuse with me.She is really a monster and evil type lady. But as she is real pshyco so if i do no contact with her in future then she trying to kill or destroy me legally because she lacks empathy totally.
@@DarrenFMagee this video focussed on the enabler, would love one on the golden child and scape goat child. My eldest sister is the golden child because as I learned from your other video, narcissists love those with money and status which my sister has. I am the scape goat unfortunately. we have a middle sister and she is neither, just a floater who also displays narcissistic tendencies. so eye opening and helpful. thank you!
you are amazing, always right to the point. Im sending this video to my father to educate him on our family dynamic (we've convinced him to divorce She Who Must Be Obeyed)
💜 Thank you! Truly Superior quality, precise information. Feel alittle guilty for having to now rearrange my favorite short list of presenters from over the past five years! Lol.
Can the parent be an enabler by just leaving? In my case the father was the narcissist, older brother was the golden child, and our mother abandoned us.
This is wonderful as always. I really enjoy your segment. This time I noticed that it is time for someone to tighten up your loose and sliding glasses. Don't know if you noticed or are aware of that? Thank you for your insight. ♥️
Mother-enmeshed son was his narcistist-mothers enabler. His wife was their victim. He couldn't see what was going on. The mother in law was fully aware of what she was doing to his wife and children. Terrible dynamic.
The videos I make are requested by you the viewer. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you'd like me to cover in the future.
Please speak about realistic solutions to deep loneliness.
@@tatie7604 thank you for your suggestion
Thank you for your suggestion 👍
I’ve just added a request to please do a video on the family scapegoat but think I’m supposed to request it here.
I just typed it.. but for ease I shall ask directly here, lol.. if you have two narcissist parents.. is there an alpha narcissist and how does that work?
The enablers were more distressing to me than the narcissistic person themselves…the betrayal multiplied
Yes because you disconnected easier from the narcissist, it's easy to say "they're bad. This is typical behavior from them " but the enabler, it's harder to do that because of the complex angles they play from.
@@yobafox1jason556I agree. It’s a second abandonment when you finally realise it.
Dude yes
Exactly.😅
A few common phrases I’d like to add from my own experiences with an Enabler covering for a Narcissist:
“You know that’s just how she is.”
“You just have to let it go.”
“You just have to fogive her.”
My enabler father...." Why can't you get on with your mother?" I was 14. Now I could answer...because she's a narc who twists the truth, lies and seems to like to torment me..... he would not have believed me, of course but back then I had no clue and just felt inadequate, tongue tied and upset because I was always the good girl, trying to get her approval, so I never did anything wrong.
@@CharRichardson apparently the brain doesn't register its in the past though. I heard of someone who had trauma as a baby and she didn't know why she would have nightmares and anxiety and then someone admitted to her one day that the babysitter tried to kill her as a baby, the brain keeps score!
@@jenniferjacobs228 my mother is a narcissist and my father an enabler, he can’t stand being around her because she causes him to much stress and toxicity. When I left he hired a private investigator to find me. When he found me he begged me to come back cus he couldn’t handle my mom. I told him no you can deal with that on yourself or you can do what I did. He was crying, told him I didn’t care, got tired of dealing with my mothers shit. Ever since he has had anxiety and heart issues. I’m not sorry one bit. Just can’t help myself to feel sorry. Life been way better away from them
Ass to the list: "You have to apologize to your mother."
"Oh, your father treats everyone like that."
Well, I'm not everyone. I'm his only son, and I wish I wasn't.
I used to be the enabler parent, but now after I found out about this disorder I decided to stand up for myself and my kids.
I really hope my father wakes up but he had his own traits so I am not hopeful.
Same
Good for you! You are doing great by your kids just by waking up and taking an action
I'm really glad you've seen it for what it is and you're taking care of you and your kids 🙏🏻 I wish my mom would've done this years ago, I still always hope she sees it for what it is
@@shesays1111 be the mom for your inner child. Try to make it up, it’s never too late 🌷
The enablers are in a safe position. They are agnostic. They don't directly do evil, but also don't do anything to stop it. It's about positioning. In this position, you can run either way. You won't get called out for doing anything wrong, nor right. Enablers make excuse for bad behavior, and are rewarded with a safe position , but a shallow one.
This is spot-on, Eric 👌🏼
Enablers are also doing evil.
This is the problem with multiple generational boundary crossers
That's b.s. they still gaslight and lie.
You just made me realize that enabler parents offer up the children as a sacrifice in order to remain safe themselves.
You nailed it. Dad enabled, played the poor victim. Said everything you listed, i got gaslighting and guilt trips from him. Abuse shame abd blame from mom. It is so lonely. I have no one and never been able to keep friends because i got treated badly.
Exactly the same. I just went no contact and I'm completely alone, lmao. I can go a day and say 2 words to a total stranger, that's it, lmao. I hope I'll find my own people someday. You too.
My Father is the enabler and co-dependent to my Narc mother. This is soooo tragic.
So many complicated and messed up dynamics
No contact. 1 year.
Praise God
Just finally went no contact. No regrets.
My father is my narcissist, bipolar mothers enabler. No contact is the ONLY solution 💛
@A A 💕
It's a horrendous dynamic. I experienced a workplace once where a narcissist was running the place yet wasn't a manager, used company time and vehicles to stalk people and had her flying monkeys do the same, apparently being ok with the criminal consequences. She also had everyone convinced she was an Olympic athlete married to 2 different famous actors. With ZERO evidence. The only evidence she had was a lengthy record with the legal system. It was so pitiful watching these people worship such an individual
My dad was trained into submission through violence early-on in his marriage to my mom. Towards the end of her life she'd brag about throwing plates of spaghetti at his head when they were first married, and how much she enjoyed watching the sauce slide down the wall. She told this story as if it was something to be proud of. All I could think was how psychotic that was. When I finally stood up to her in my early adulthood, my father waited until she'd left the room in a huff and then said, "I'm glad you said something, because I never could have." By then, he'd learned never to stand up to her. It was sad. He knew what would happen. She cut me out of her life for a few years after that night and generally abandoned me for the rest of my adulthood, always holding that moment over my head, but I regret nothing. I stood up for myself. He's been super happy since she passed. He may be elderly, but he's been living his best life. I'm so happy for him! I wish he could have done it sooner somehow but he chose to live with that for almost 60 years.
@Karrie Dee My brother's much older and tells stories of how mom would stonewall dad for days after a fight and my brother would have to communicate for them. By the time I was born, that wasn't an issue anymore. Dad knew to just not say anything. Hence what he said when I finally set a boundary with her.
You missed one of the things they say... "you're just like them (the narcissist), you're just as stubborn, selfish etc for making a fuss and expecting any help or sympathy. "
Love your videos, thanks. X
+1 I got that a lot
@@MereNeko me too
Yep. I got "it think it's because you're alike" and "I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other". Idk wtf my mom meant by us being remotely alike but I've searched DEEP with myself for years wondering if that's true. I can't find it.
At last I’ve got a name for my Mother, the enabler, the quiet lady who never interfered no matter what my Father said to us..we didn’t talk back to him but I always hoped my mother would shut him up..regrettably she never did..
It's my sincere hope that this doesn't sound at all patronizing when I say that you have a fantastic comprehension and articulation of any and all things Narcissism. Excellent channel!
Absolutely! Best presenter I've seen since Dr Les Carter! Thankful for your work.
My ex family was a nest of narcissists and apparently I kept attracting two ex spouses that were abusers. So glad I’m in my own now. I’m not people pleasing anymore and am developing higher standards and boundaries. Your video explains my brainwashed survival skill set that kept me trapped. I’m still dealing with all the trauma.
I was super empath of my narcisssistic mother previously from 2012-2020.But as of now i started ignoring her and feeling life better.But the main thing is after absorbing years of abuse,criticism,blaming,threating etc i am turned into a pshycopath myself.i has fantasy of harming others and other all sadistic traits in my mind all time.I have also fantasy of killing everyone especially facebook peoples etc.But thats the result of abuse done with me in previous years.I am a pshycopath and want to destroy everyone
@@bravodiyemon1757 Dude, make friends with those demons. It's not what you REALLY wanna do, it's just your justified rage and anger that someone triggered on purpose, so you'd feel exactly this way. Been there. When I start feeling like plotting people's murders, I go back and ask myself, do I want to kill people in general or just those who hurt me? Or those who behave the way my family did when they were supposed to protect me? That's the fucking difference between the narcs and us. They do destroy people, on purpose and with premeditation. We don't. That's why you're so mad. I am too rn, I guess that's why I'm here reading comments, so I don't feel like I'm the ultimate asshole for trying to defend myself. It's not the whole humanity that failed us, it's just a few mofos, and you don't want to let them win. If you weren't an integrally good person you wouldn't give a shit about any of that. So the humanity in me salutes the humanity in you. I hope you always keep your lights on. Peace and love, bro 💜
This is my Dad. I told my mother she hurt me, and he came over to give out to me for hurting mum. Wow. He is my mother's foot soldier. I am so sick of the dynamic between them. No insight. No self reflection. No growth. EVER. .
As a survivor, this is 200% accurate. Im now divorced from the narcissist after 30 plus years and have no regrets about leaving.
Yay! Glad you left.
'They shame you into feeling bad about feeling bad' wow!! Just to hear it put into words is *so* validating, thankyou Darren, I've learned so much from your presentations in three days!
I haven't found a video yet about a 'lost child' turning to a 'scapegoat' role as an adult, after seeing behind the curtain and trying to change the dysfunctional family dynamic. It was hard feeling ignored but now I feel actively targeted and it sucks.
Im in the same spot.
My family awarded me for not showing sadness or anger if I faked happiness they were pleased
That's very interesting re: lost child turning to a scape goat. I don't know what I used to be but I've definitely become the scape goat some time after my younger sister was born. I am the eldest daughter of the two. I've been trying to figure what happened to the relationship with my dad. I'd love to see videos on how narcissistic parents change the roles on their children.
I am in a similar situation. It does suck.
The roles can and do move around. I am in the same position of scapegoat and exclusion after I attempted to establish what I felt were more reciprocal cooperative adult roles with one another. Essentially acknowledging and working on my trauma and our family relationships. You’d thought I’d threatened their lives or something-my approach was very careful yet met with rage and completely rejected. I used to be the helper but I’m definitely the scapegoat now. It’s like musical chairs. Someone always has to be without a seat at the table/acceptance is always conditional. Allow dominance and never ask for or expect anything. Ugh
The enablers are fuelling the abuse of the narcissist. It’s a vicious circle that’s going on and the kids suffer the most.
My dad and mom were both narcissistic but father was worse and addiction too. Mom enabled him and us children were blamed for a lot of their unhappiness. Now my adult siblings are replaying the roles that were so toxic in our childhood. Dominance and scapegoating is a constant. Narcissistic Golden Child recruits Enablers. I’ve finally surrendered…I have no genuine family connection. They’re actually reaching back to before I entered grade school compiling “evidence” and sharing stories about what a horrible child I was and deserve their neglect and disrespectful behaviors. We’re in our 60’s - it’s so hard to relive this at the hands of my sisters but the more I’ve learned about these disorders I understand why it is occurring. Just wish it weren’t so…
As a child, my mother had the narcissistic traits, my dad was the enabler. What you said, were his exact words. He was also physically violent with me (I think out of his frustration). He could have been there and helped me, but I guess he felt it was easier his way. Now ay 60 yo. I'm beginning to see everything for what it was.
This makes me want to cry. Describes my mom and my dad exactly.
I've been married to a narcissist for decades. I've been in therapy as have our adult children. I've been his apologist for years, excusing his awful and disrespectful behaviour. It was only when my daughter pointed out that he was abusive did the awful realisation take root. The financial, emotional and sometimes physical abuse was hard to deal with. He is very sick now and I'm stuck with a man who can't love, appreciate or give anything of himself except abuse.
For me the phrases from the enablers always seemed to start with, “You have to understand…” “She/he is old, is just tired, is a new mother, is going through a midlife crisis (for 30 years apparently), etc. Of course no one ever needed to understand me. My mother was the queen of enablers. She allowed multiple abusers to openly abuse me. When I confronted her about her devotion, friendship and tolerance of them, she said, “You have to understand, my husband (the king of the abusers) was never supportive of me, so there’s nothing I can do; even long after he left us. She claimed this when she was joyfully hanging out with a man who I had informed her was molesting me from the age of 12, she would regale me with all the amusing things he said or did, even after multiple times when I tearfully reminded her and begged her to just not talk to me about him. “Oh, I forgot. You have to understand, I need a social life!”
She sounds like a covert narcissist to me. She's not the victim. She's a different kind of narcissist, vulnerable type, not only an enabler.
My mother in law is the enabler to the narcissistic father in law. I married their oldest of 5 kids. My wife of 31 yrs is covert narc. Her siblings all show various traits. Starting to ravage some of my children now. Information like this video helps put things in perspective and give abuses a name. Sorry I could only push the thumbs up once😬👍
How do you protect the kids from becoming like this?
@@icanonlyimagine7626 You have to change yourself and then show them by example, I think. I only found out about all this 2 yrs ago, after a lifetime of narc abuse from family and spouse. My son's then had the same with their wives. We are now all learning together. I wish I'd known back then. I may have been able to avoid teaching my kids the wrong way. But , better late than never 😄
@@jenniferjacobs228 my daughter just recently left her covert narcissist husband, her and her two young kids are living with us. My daughter is overly empathetic, one of the nicest people I know…perfect target. I just don’t want my grands to turn out to be narcs, hopefully since they are mostly with my daughter and our family they will have better chance.
Society needs to stop using a child’s sensitivity in a negative way. Sensitivity is not a weakness nor a negative quality. Sensitivity is just a strong sense when it comes to emotional radar. Being sensitive is admirable and only given to the strong of heart as it takes an abundant amount of strength to get through life with sensitivity in tow.
To any young person out there that has strong sensitivity...you have been blessed.
I agree.
It seems that people believe those who shout louder. Just take a look at politics. Many people complain about being rule by psychopaths but they keep voting them because they give a false sense of security in terms of "their hands won't shake" but they don't realize that their hands won't shake even to cause mass destruction because they just don't care.
With my mother, her flying monkeys would say “Nono, she loves you, she just doesn’t know how to show it. Just listen to her”
Exactly my story
Darren, I really like all of your videos. This one stands out to me especially, because I have a much older sister who is married to a man who is a bully, and she thinks it's okay for him to be a bully with me. He loves to make people feel stupid, embarrassed and humiliated. He also enjoys watching people feel duped, confused and frustrated. You can see the vindictive triumph on his face.
They're much older than I am, so they seem to believe they are authority figures over me. I'm a twenty five year old woman. I don't want to be bossed by this new brother in law. My sister calls him a very "strong" man. I think of him as arrogant, not strong. So, my sister's advice to me is to just do what he says, because if I don't, he'll get worse, and find a way to make me "pay for my bad attitude." (!) She takes a lot from him, and says, "It's just his way. You'll just have to let it roll off your back." My sister tells me that she is older and WISER 😂 than I am, so I have to just do as she tells me to do, 😂 and then we'll all get along just fine. It's no pleasure at all for me to be around them, so it'll never be "just fine" for ME. All of what you're saying in this video is true of some types of people! I believe I'm on the brink of having to avoid them both, now.
@Karrie Dee , Good move!
Yes, save yourself decades of trauma by avoiding them sooner rather than later. The peace in your life will be so worth it.
Yep just Arnold's.
Since your sister will not listen to reason and this horrible man will not change and will only get worse, your only option is to avoid them both, whatever you have to do.
One’s mental health and time are priceless.
Good job on your seeing what’s really going on and putting yourself first.
Thank you DM! The enabler is ‘the jailer’. The one keeping you locked in that unhealthy relationship.
Shocking ,what some will put up with. OMG my father used to say that, the narc did not mean that,there bark is worse than their bite. My dad was trauma bonded from the get go,his first love,he could not see it.
One phrase that I have heard has been; "you turn everyone against you." As the scapegoat in the family, I have been accused of things the narcissists were doing and I was not doing. It is astounding that the person who calls out the abuse and rudeness is the one who is further abused.
I think it's because they can't handle reality and there's always shame involved. In order for the enablers and flying monkeys to recognize the abuse, they have to admit they took part of it and that brings shame so, it's easier to keep blaming the scapegoat. Maybe not all the family members are full blown narcissists but they have many traits.
@@Lyrielonwind very good point!
My role was to make them feel good about themselves. The amount of crap that has been projected on to me beggars belief, but when I asked them to stop, I was called sensitive (not for the first time). When I stood firm, I was called angry, detached from reality, I was told I looked like death warmed up! no idea why she thought that would help. 2+ years later, all I've done is stand certain in my belief that SHE hurt me. And now, after two years of stonewalling me when I wanted to talk, I've been dismissed with a text saying ''we're sorry you're so unhappy, don't bother to reply'' and my enabling father has done nothing. This is her dysfunction but he never got in touch to talk. I don't know if he's not allowed or if he feels this cause is worth upholding.
Don't expect him to contact you. I have also fantasied my siblings would contact me or support me and I realized it's a fantasy that keeps me hanging on and stuck.
Don't bother to reply. She said it all...we are sorry you feel...don't reply. That's the narcissistic apology: "I'm sorry you feel that way": 0 accountability.
Most of the enablers love the drama,just a pathetic excuse of a human being. 200% spot on.
My father is the enabler.. turned a blind eye even to this day. He watched me being abused. As I have cut my mother and siblings out of my life my father dare not even call me. He’s a shell of a man and couldn’t even protect his child. Therefore my mother has more and more control over the family. She has destroyed her family..
Same!!!! It's just very sad and heartbreaking
I experienced the exact same. Hugs to you 🤗
"IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY, AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY!" the ref magnet in her house says. Downright narc!!!. My MIL is a narc and FIL used to be the enabler. When he passed away, the role was passed on to my husband and his brother. How can this craziness stop?
Maybe grey rocking won't help her but it might help you to remain sane.
You just described my mom. The covert/vulnerable narcissist enabler part is so spot-on. I've heard all of those excuses.
My mom as well
Dear Mr. Magee. First of all, sorry for my English. But I want to say thank-you 1.000 times. I'm 53 years old and in this video you describe almost perfectly my narcisistic family. Always and forever thank-you very much. God bless you and all your audience. 💜💗✝️🙏🔝
I grew up in such a home. Your videos are very helpful to make sense of things that were purely maddening
11:20 Blaming the victim is also what many psychologists / therapists are doing.
True!!
Run and try a different therapist. You deserve better and I have one that's so awesome. I couldn't deal with my recent life without her (including a suspect narcissistic father in his middle life crisis amongst other things)
@@MereNeko That was about ten years ago, I'm fine without one now.
Could you explain more about how therapists blame the victim because i think this may be what I have experienced with them. They make excuses for parents. I think many of them don't really understand that the people they are supposed to help need to understand what happened to them so they will stop blaming themselves. Kids raised in these families don't always understand how bad they were treated and how that treatment created dysfunction in them. It isn't that we are without negative qualities, but where did we acquire these behaviors? We had such awful role models. The fact that we are in therapy means we want to change. We don't want to be like our parents. When therapists don't help you see you were a victim, they can't help you change. Am I making any sense?
@@nancybartley4610 I got the first part of your comment. I don't know all of their motives, but often they are sinister. Many are flying monkeys for the narc parents. Maybe because they get paid by them and because many of them are evil people themselves.
Today the enabler of our family died: my 'mother'. She brought forth the first male to carry on the family name. That son was her idol. I am one of two younger sisters. I saw how my mother shaped my brother to become a full blown narcissist. He would be nasty to his sisters. Like when I had to learn for in important test, but my brother had his music on so loud, that I couldn't concentrate. I asked him, and he put the music louder. I asked our mother to help. Her reply "Well child, I can NOT do that" followed by a sigh and then leaving me. I didn't lose anyone today. My loss was decades ago.
Thank you for speaking up for the children
He would say, don't you know your mother is insecure. Looking back, I realize why I didn't understand but now I realize, being insecure doesn't justify abusive behavior.
Don't get me started on the enabler,is the one who brought about all the suffering due to marrying a narc,and being their slave, that lets the narc wear the trousers and contol every aspect of their lives.
Thank you so much, Mr. Magee, for helping me make sense of the unacceptable.
I take it you were somehow a witness to the chaotic cruelty of my family of origin.
I wish I knew what enablers were as a teenager. Then I wouldn't have bothered to try to protect mine. I'd have let her deal with her own choices and protected myself, instead of waiting for her to grow a spine.
9:44 Yes to all of these examples. Word for word. My eyes kept growing larger as you listed those phrases. It's like hearing my mother and brother on record.
My mother enabled my father who was also a drug addict. My sisters still deny there were ANY problems in the home. I married one and tried to leave with our kids twice (the army actually interfered.) Finally when he got violent got a court order and a sheriff to help me get my stuff and leave (the kids were grown). Now my adult children are insisting everything was fine. I put my foot down about the big happy family getting together for holidays and refuse to be in the same room with the ex EVER. They have finally stopped asking.
in a perfect world, his ideas on assertiveness would work but as in the film ,The Burning Bed, asserting yourself can get you almost beaten to death .
Right. It also feeds them. It is far better to offer no resistance until you can claw your way out.
I love how you hit on the large topics and make it easy to understand….. explaining w facts without blaming or shaming
I was quite skilled as an enabler, and I married a narcissistic person. 25 years of mind-bending abuse later, I first read about narcissism and began working to basically disassemble my behaviors and beliefs while building healthier ones.
What happens to make one an enabler? I read so much about it, and it’s really hard for me to comprehend how these people can lie about things they witness, pretend like every lie the narcissist says is true, even when they witness otherwise, and lying to your face about what you say to them. It’s one thing if a person is ignorant, but it’s another when these enablers lie
My husband is the golden child. I was turned into the scapegoat and 6 years later figured out all this crap was being blamed for everything
Yes f them
I believe what makes it extra difficult for me is that the narc is my stepmom, she came into my life shortly after my mom passed away. Overwhelming majority of stories you hear are the birth parents, so the kids only know Mom and Dad to be this way. I've had two dads. The dad when my mom was alive and shortly after which was completely different and loving and devoted. Then she morphed him into a completely different man. It's incredibly heartbreaking 💔 as well none of my family members on either mom or dad's side believe me because they only know the first version. We move to a different state after her passing and did not remain in touch with relatives, only for a few occasions. My life genuinely feels cursed.
Spot on Darren, thank you for this great advice on this topic.
My parents EACH AND BOTH played BOTH ROLES... Narcissist and Enabler. Sometimes I don't know HOW I survived? But I did. They lived very long lives too. I cared for them at the end. I have no regrets and no grief. I did what I could which was a lot.
My parents are exactly as you described. They fed off different parts of each others narcissism....while neglecting their children.
My God...what is this world?!!! Why isn't there more awareness about narcs. Please speak more and more and save people from them.
I think that highly self-obsessed abusers like narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths cannot help but to enable each other in family situations. With two of them, that's two of the three roles in the drama triangle filled, with the third role of "oppressor" reserved for the target. There's a fake kind of bonding that occurs with this mutual enabling, by turning onto an agreed mutual target, giving them a break from attacking each other.
This reminds me of the relationship of Ahab and Jezebel from the Bible. Ahab was a weak man who could not get what he wanted without the help from overbearing Jezebel. I see a lot of older couples with this type of relationship. Ahab and Jezebel where BOTH narcissists.
Perfectly explained. I have more understanding now. Thank you ❤
My mom is an enabler of my narcissistic stepdad. She rarely stepped in to protect us (her children) from the emotional abuse, and would even go along with my stepdad and participate in it sometimes. She's still married to him and has been so manipulated and brainwashed over the years that she believes they were trying to do what's best for us and be good parents. Neither of them will take accountability for anything, and the abuse is still going on
Would you be interested to post more videos about children's situations in these cases?
Children are so vulnerable, most adults don't care because they are not children, so more of the children's situations need to be addressed, more adults need to stand up for children, or at least for their own younger selves
Even more frightening to see, when young children are starting to repeat the enabling sayings or refusing help using the enabling sayings, I don't even know if people should reach out to help those kids, or how they could help?
Thank you for your suggestion and yes I will
A school system which monitors signs if neglect, & talks to the siblings of known bullies at the same school. All of these services are now withdrawn
My grandmother was the covert/vulnerable narc & my mother was the enabler & used all those phrases interchangeably over the years.
Darren you're a genius to my ears, to my distress and relief one penny after another dropped. About to listen again to make a few notes. Thank you for helping me to understand. I was one of your early subscribers ... much admiration and respect for your generosity and for how your channel has grown.
Some family members enables so they can benefit in some way. They boost the narc with supply and support and in return the narc supports them in their behaviors, whether they need money or whatever.
Really like your content and perspectives on nacrs and toxic behavior. I was raised by a narc-mom, and she trained me to blame myself for her unhappiness. I've spent most of my life attempting to de-program myself, and your perspective helps. The most tragic irony with narcs is that when they blame others for their pain, they increase their own suffering, and are blind to this. They don't just lack insight into themselves, they actively shun it. Their suffering flows from shame, and so they project it onto the world in the form of contemp and resentment. The different types all spring from the same source. They reflect differing strategies and maps rather fundamentally different psychological pathogies. Their lack of empathy is a product of their lack of insight in all cases, or perhaps their lack of empathy creates their lack of insight. Either way, they are Gordian knots of rage and anxiety and entitlement. Bottomless pits of self inflicted pain and dispair best avoided.
Brilliant, thank you. Very clarifying and cult-like as you say. You drew a line around the 'shadows'.
wow...you perfectly described my father...narc mother...peace at any cost, never defended we kids, he accepted Mum's word on everything. This is what I learned to be and married a narc. My son's then learned it from me. Now we all know better and hopefully the next generation will be different.
My father in law is a narc and mom in law is the enabler. My husband has 2 other siblings, his sister also a narc and his little brother is a narc as well. My husband is a flying monkey to all the narcs in his family. I dont know this until the 2nd year of our marriage. My husband is not a narc but he has some traits in him. So ladies, please check out yr future husband background thoroughly and educate yourself about narcissism. The family dynamic is weird…
My friend's mother may be that closet narcisist married to the grandiose, making excuses for him. And once the husband died she started enabling the narcisistic daugther (my friends sister ).
This was extremely helpful. You hit so many nails on the head. Thanks!
We have all fallen in love,but to worship a person to the point that they allow themselves to be constantly abused.
Another one I've heard is: "Your thoughts are irrational."
This is the best information and best presentation I’ve seen.
Would you kindly consider doing a video on the family scapegoat. I’d really appreciate this. Thank you.
Hi there I’ve made some videos on the scapegoat already. Hope you find them helpful.
@@DarrenFMagee Found and watched. Spot on with what you say. I figured it out years ago but it's such a comfort to hear it from a professional. Thank you.
Thank you for your intense info. This is extremely interesting& awful at the same time.This explains how the world gets messed up& good people who grew up with love(like me) gets victimized, by feeling sorry for these kids that become crazy angry adults. Kind of like dcfs kids. Very 😔 sad.
Some general ideas why my enabler mother thought it's okay that my narcissist alcoholic violent father was beating me with a table leg.
1. You provoked him. He told you were disrespectful.
2. He's a honest person, it can't be he lies. So you must be slandering him.
3. He had such a tough childhood.
4. You should be grateful. Some kids have it even worse.
5. You are just like your father.
Excellent video. Enablers have a streak of the bully in them. I’ve met two enabling husband/fathers to narcissistic wives. Run from this type of person.
My dad the enabler is so dumb. My narc mom brags about how she ruined my dad’s relationship with his older daughter he had before marrying her. Now she has successfully ruined my dad and my relationship. He is now very close with my brother/moms son from another relationship and my little sister that I highly doubt is even my dads child. What an idiot.
my mother was on the side of her uncle and stepdaughter, and her behavior was very foul when I was acting, trying to record me, and thought I was being possessed by the devil while she was the devil
This sounds like my narcissistic wife's narcissistic mother. All her life, she estranged her husband from the family(her daughters and sons). I think my wife learned this narcissistic behavior from her.
mil is an enabler protecting sil. mil expects my partner to forgive, understand and protect narc sil. mil refuses to understand her role in perpetuating the problem. “excusing toxic behavior “ hits the nail on the head!
Thank you.
This information is spot on! Thank you very much.
I've heard a lot of these statements from a variety of sources growing up. The message it gave me was that I shouldn't have a self.
another great vid from you Dr Magee, thanking you.. x
Great timing. So true. Augh, familiar. The script never gets edited.
This is the realization I came to but have the hardest time accepting, especially how it has affected my choice in adult partners, and my kids.
Could you make a video on narcissistic adult children who put unrealistic demands on grandparents as far of visiting the grandchildren??
Wow you have describe all the women in my family and my husbands family. It has also helped me to check myself less I fall into this horrible behavior of becoming a narcissistic myself. I want my children to be free and independent.
Thank you
As my niece said before she joined in the scape goating of me was what can I do “She is my mother”.
I truly enjoy your videos and I am grateful for the clarity and way they are made.
I do have a question. Our family is of a different sort. We have suffered much the last few years through struggles w/financial misfortune and extended family dysfunction. My wife and I adopted our first son through sibling adoption. He is 19 now and for the last 5-7 years has developed what I believe to be R.A.D.s. He definitely exhibits a majority of the symptoms and your videos on narcissism nail him in many ways. My second oldest is now exhibiting them as well. My ability to parent them has become severely strained and unhealthy for me. My wife and I exhibit symptoms of PTSD and abuse. My wife has definitely been the enabler of the family and I have tried multiple forms of parenting trying to work through or around this dilemma. Failure is all that seems to be working. Nobody is talking about the youth today being the abuser of parents. Is this possible? Are parents not abused by their older children or children? We love our boys. There’s so much more to our story but not acceptable to share here. I just want to know if R.A.D.s can lead to narcissistic abuse towards parents. I exhibit most of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. I’m sorry to bother. Thank you for any response.
Hi there I’m sorry but I can’t really talk about individual cases I try to be general in the videos. I have been asked to discuss attachments though is RAD something you’d like me to include?
@@DarrenFMagee there’s nothing very substantial or even specific regarding RADs on RUclips. Some are personal experiences and these are not taken seriously. Some are too general and the way you break down narcissism, I wonder if the same can be done with RADs. It’s quite abusive to the parents who adopt or decide to raise a child who has this. We have been blind sided by it and it’s sadly effected everyone in the family in many ways and it’s even led to financial misfortunes and multiple other struggles. There are some Ted talks etc but nothing regarding the receiving end of this disorder and/or how to deal. Most narcissistic help says to get them away from you, well he’s our son. We can’t! It’s way more complicated when the abuser is your boy. Help. Deception is chronic, gaslighting, talking in circles, triangulating, selfishness, arrogance, terrible cold attitudes, poor influence on other siblings, coldness to parents well being and provisional intentions, etc etc
It might take a while to research but I’ll look into it and talk about it. Hopefully you’ll find it helpful.
@@DarrenFMagee incredible! I’m actually super grateful sir.
Oh Dear Gawd, this describes my mother. Dad died two years ago and she's bereft. She keeps talking about how they never had fights - only because she pacified him and then told my brother and I that he was difficult because his parents didn't treat him well. My brother and I got the violence.
New subscriber here. Please add closed captioning.
After absorbing lots of abuse by my narcisssistic mother,i became a pshycopath.I have thinking about harming others as ocd and feel pleasure about that.but thats only fantasy not reality.In reality i was abused by my narcissistic parents from my childhood,but as of now i am turned into a pshycopath myself
No, you have choices. You know that it's wrong and there will be consequences. You can't always blame others for your choices. It's up to you to heal yourself, if you don't then you are self-abusing. Nobody is making you do anything other than yourself.
@@sharonw2008 But I am not a pshyco. I am an empath of very kind level. I cry when seeing abuse in movies so I am an empath its clear. But my both parents are real life pshycopath. They are extremely difficult people to deal with. They dont have any remorse or empathy. Especially, my mother is a sociopath. When enraged she looks like a monster and attacks any body who wont agree with her. I applied Grey Rock Method with her but she pushes my buttons like Getting me out from home,Threats of physical harm etc. Also she done some kinds of pshycial abuse with me.She is really a monster and evil type lady. But as she is real pshyco so if i do no contact with her in future then she trying to kill or destroy me legally because she lacks empathy totally.
You have a choice to pray for release of those demonic thoughts. DO NOT ACT ON THEM!!! Don’t give in to the devil. Learn a hobby instead.
Wonderful. My mother is the enabler and it drives me nuts! thank you Darren!
You’re welcome glad you found it interesting
@@DarrenFMagee this video focussed on the enabler, would love one on the golden child and scape goat child. My eldest sister is the golden child because as I learned from your other video, narcissists love those with money and status which my sister has. I am the scape goat unfortunately. we have a middle sister and she is neither, just a floater who also displays narcissistic tendencies. so eye opening and helpful. thank you!
I’ve made videos on those roles previously you’ll find them in the narcissistic families playlist. Hope you find them interesting.
@@DarrenFMagee okay great, thanks!
you are amazing, always right to the point. Im sending this video to my father to educate him on our family dynamic (we've convinced him to divorce She Who Must Be Obeyed)
💜Just discovered your channel. WOW!
T H A N K Y O U! Excellent videos !!!
💜 Thank you! Truly Superior quality, precise information. Feel alittle guilty for having to now rearrange my favorite short list of presenters from over the past five years! Lol.
What family?
Brilliant
Spot on...
Brilliant. Bang on
Can the parent be an enabler by just leaving? In my case the father was the narcissist, older brother was the golden child, and our mother abandoned us.
This is wonderful as always. I really enjoy your segment. This time I noticed that it is time for someone to tighten up your loose and sliding glasses. Don't know if you noticed or are aware of that? Thank you for your insight. ♥️
Mother-enmeshed son was his narcistist-mothers enabler. His wife was their victim. He couldn't see what was going on. The mother in law was fully aware of what she was doing to his wife and children. Terrible dynamic.