The part about the children becoming like the toxic parents with their own children reminded me of my mother. She would complain endlessly about her "deprived childhood" where her mother had apparently left her to go off travelling, leaving her in the care of other people. So her idea with us as a mother was to go off on long holidays on her own, leaving us in the care of more or less crazy people.
They wanted me to have nothing. They wanted to break me, but I have everything now. Once I cut them out, my life changed so much and on so many levels. You have to cut them out and NEVER look back.
The scapegoat child was me. I did become independent as a child because of feeling like I didn’t belong in the toxic family mix. Now, I am grateful for it. My siblings are still vying for attention and in fighting. I am grateful for my freedom and my own work for happiness.
YES! I feel the exact same way as the family scapegoat. The narcisistic family dynamic was never designed to work for the scapegoat. Real love, respect, loyalty, or support, isn't something the narcissistic family dynamic was ever designed to offer us. Once I realized that, I excused myself from the nonsense and forged my own path. And even though the healing and growth work was excruciating at times, I'm free from the abuse and finally feel like an authentic, whole person. And honestly, I dont know that i would have been motivated to do that painful work if I had ever felt like I had any other option. It's surreal to consider that if I had ever been able to benefit from the narcissistic family dynamic, I might still be trying to find my place in it to this day, like the rest of my family still is...
I don't think it is like a cult, but that it genuinely is a cult, of personality (or personalities). It matches all the criteria, including the required magical beliefs. Moreover, there is no end to it: even as adults, children are possessions to dominate and control, and to provide endless reinforcement and fawning to the Woshipful Master and/or Tantrum Queen.
It is also possible to have both parents as Narcs. Overt Narcs often match "well" with Covert Narcs who will unstintingly support their reign of emotional abuse.
I’ve never heard anyone describe my childhood experience so clearly! As a teenager, I was an absolute mess, totally confused, brainwashed and angry, with no self-esteem and in a lot of emotional pain. My mom, the matriarch, was the perfect person, the leader, the controller and she was worshipped. I have many symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes, I see narcissistic traits in myself, but, I think most narcissists don’t recognize this, so, I really hope I’m not.
If only more people would realise the impact their family has on their adult life the world would be such a better place! You could read all the self-help books in the world but if you don't know where your anxiety/shame/depression comes from it makes it way harder to heal.
You have to claw your way out and I mean claw your way up a giant ice covered spike laden hill and then slide down the other side full of nails and broken glass and treacherous fire filled canyons but by God when you get out and you get free it is paradise! Never forget the journey because it will bring you a sense of peace that you could never have known otherwise. My heart goes out to all the scapegoats and all those who survived and then thrived.
@@chester3621 I know it doesn’t feel like it now but I promise you, I promise you will thrive. You must sever all ties though with your tormentors and their flying monkeys. Your central nervous system has been absolutely crushed and needs time to heal without being activated or triggered. Isolation is key in order to heal. You’ll come out stronger than you ever thought possible. You can reach out to me anytime and I’m sure there are others on here who would flock to support you❤️ stay strong my friend.
@@chester3621 I have to agree. I am like a roller coaster. I have good days and bad days. I just feel that I don't matter to any of them, yet I felt I had done my bit to support them in their tine of need, yet its just doesn't feel reciprocal. I've had no contact, their choice not mine and now I'm trying to rebuild our relationship. Its not easy. Its torment a lot if the time
My mom always says this, that theyre wondering how I left, but the mother of my ex hated me sooooo much, she tried everything to make me leave, I thought she was really nice, but then her true colors showed, she was being super fake with me, and when I told her about her sons abuse twords me, she cried for me, but in court, she said I was a LIAR !!!!! But I guess my ex DID want to keep me, because for 7 years, he wouldn't let me leave him, but finally he gave up and I left,
But why would you even want to be accepted into the family once you know what they are? It’s the confusion at the outset that is so hard - once you work it out aren’t you best off staying away?
Thank you for this video. I do think an often overlooked part of being the child of a narcissistic parent is the way they project onto you. I know there were so many traumatic attacks in my childhood that lasted for hours. I was accused of the terrible things my mother was, before I was even old enough to understand. I wasn't allowed water. I wasn't allowed my brother. My enabler father just watched on. I tried to dissociate but that was denied me too. She had to have me crying, even when I had no actual tears left. Sorry was not enough, never enough. "...she has to mean it!" I can still hear her voice so clearly in my head. I get stuck so often as I try to recover now, caught between having legitimate needs and being able to voice them, and being convinced I am being like her. It feels as if I have no value if I don't do everything other people want. It feels like having needs of my own is very dangerous.
I'm so sorry for what you've endured, it sounds like a never ending nightmare. I pray you will travel a truly healing path and find a new life of peace along the way ❤️
I hope you are making progress in your recovery (my reply is a year after your comment), and I hope you are beginning to understand your worth and value, and feeling at peace. ☮️
@@terrapintravels3829 absolutely and once I started to learn about narcissism. A lot of things started to click. A lot of things started to make sense. Things that I did not understand but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t right or in the back of my mind those things were not logical to me. Now I’m looking back it’s crazy because I let a lot of stuff slide because I was not aware. Now that I am no longer around my family at 26. I’m not gonna lie it’s difficult, and confusing but i’m hoping there is a higher purpose.
This was one of my "lightbulb aha" moments - I've had a few along my road to inner peace. I've been battling with if I need to cut my mom out my life as my adopted narcissistic father is still married to her and she is so brainwashed that all our chats are about "I was the drug addict so I'm the wrong one". It's a cult and so for my own inner peace and healing, ill have to cut her out. Sad but true. Thank you and all the other therapist that upload videos that help so many people on our journey. You don't know how much healing comes when we can watch so many videos that make us feel that we are not alone and NOT CRAZY and not terrible people! Thank you all! (Scapegoat and Truthteller)
Even with no contact, I still have these circular thoughts that defend my mother, the leader of the family cult, and her stinginess, for example. These are introjects, a whole belief system, they make no sense to me at all, I know that, but they are very strong. They were anchored in me to strengthen her. Everything and everyone that or who surrounds my mother is part of her external "self" - regulation. Nothing and no one is allowed to escape and leave her power with impunity. She has managed to justify her entitlement so brilliantly through triangulation, lies, and pity ploy! My entire family has "come to realize" that I neither deserve to have an education paid for nor deserve to inherit anything because I would be unworthy. We are four siblings and all at odds and estranged from each other. It is a cult! No contact in a way feels like being a dry alcoholic.
Nothing comes close to the damage that these demons inflict on our souls. But we are free to walk away any day. They actually have no true power over us. We just have to see through the illusion of power and control. Conscious love is the only real power on this earth.
This is my husbands family. They have clearly defined roles and it is all to get the love & approval of their dad… although their mom has more than a few narcissistic tendencies also. My husband was the scapegoat… what I missed totally was that once we got together the got married and had kids I became the scapegoat. He literally fed me to them to gain that love and approval he couldn’t get on his own. Then they could unite against the outsider. It’s why both sisters have been divorced. He does it with our daughter also… it is heartbreaking
Wow. This cuts deep.. Ive been coming to terms that my childhood was extremely abusive.. I didn't know what to call it, I've been thinking/saying that I grew up in a "cult like environment". I was a only child that wasn't out into school cus my father had to control everything. Now I know it was a narcissistic family dynamic..
My parents are both narcissistic, as is my older sister. I was the youngest in my family, and my parents have crippled me. I now have chronic health issues, am unable to work full-time, and have been stuck living with my parents my entire adult life. I don't see any way of ever healing or getting out of this situation.
I have a similar situation, my heart goes out to you, let's go make something of ourselves that we want, not what they want, I'll be your cheerleader! ❤
This made my blood run cold, including the “cult” title, which I’ve jokingly (but very accurately) used for a long time to describe my family. Thank you for sharing this and helping stuff make sense.
This is the best description of my family, it was exactly like a cult revolving around my father. In our family, it was musical chairs with narcissistic roles, one day you can be dad’s favourite, the next you would be shunned and given the silent treatment. It all depended on his holiness’s mood at the time 😂
A cult is a good analogy. I married into a large narcissistic family presided over by a matriarch. The children's marriages are sort of doomed. One of my children was her favourite grandchild who she almost kidnapped for a month with my ex's permission among many other things. They don't honour their children's marriages and it's almost impossible to marry into such a family. They are all late fifties now and still have this uber clannish mentality.....they don't see it at all.
The story of the steak dinner that was given away ... something very similar happened in my family, but it was Christmas dinner that was given away. The narcissist gave it to coworkers who were spending the holidays away from their families. So he got to look like the hero to these coworkers, meanwhile his own family was left without the Christmas dinner we thought we were going to enjoy.
Yup! Narc parents have no problem giving your stuff (clothing, food, toys, experiences, etc) to other people. As long as they get praise from strangers. Cuz they don’t need their victims praise if you are their negative energy supply. And they value the negative energy ALOT more than positive.
@@aarongerig9223 I'd never heard someone point out that narcs value their negative energy more than the positive but this makes absolute sense! It does feel more draining when they're getting negative energy from you ...
I feel all people on my life have been narcissistic in some way. Not only my family but my student friends, too, and workmates. We MUST be the best in everythung, the thinnest, the most beautiful, the healthiest, the cleverest, the most artistic, the most spiritual, to have the longest marriage (no divorce, it is a failure), the best education, win the first price in every competition no maytar what competition - shorly: be unhuman. Failures are not allowed. And now I realise that even I tried to be dofferent, I have acted in that way, too, for to get appreciation and even love.
Never thought of it as a cult but it was!!! I always wondered why I could never leave - my mother is dead over 20 years and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the emotional and psychological abuse. It was horrific. Two aunts as well 😢 I look back at times I had the chance to leave and wish I'd known then about narcissistic abuse. Anyway, healing now. That video was fantastic. New subscriber. Bless you ❤
OMG... I am a fundamentalist Christian Preacher's Kid ... as a young adult I joined a cult that had the same but more extreme doctrines as my father's. Calling my family of origin a cult fills in some holes in my understanding and deepens my understanding. Thank you.
This is a video I've had to re upload. The videos I make are requested by you the viewers so please free to suggest any topics you'd like me to cover. Just as a reminder this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional nor is a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
Hi Darren. I second the request for some approaches to overcoming a narcissistic upbringing- namely for adult children of a narcissist parent. Your material is fantastic- truly some of the best I've seen online. Looking forward to reading your book on Self- Esteem.
When you speak the truth in such a family you truly are seen as the worst person possible and are being pushed away constantly and neglected abused. They will do anything to destroy you, but them pushing you away is a blessing in disguise. You want to be as far away from them as possible. I moved away from my family cult to live with my dad who is also seen as a scapegoat and outsider for not wanting to participate in that cult behaviour. It is hard to completely cut my narcissistic mother out of my life even though it is all that i ever wanted to do, it is scary. I have very low contact with her and dont depend on her for anything. I just have to take one last step
just starting to learn "a b c"-s about Narcissism (in theoretical terms; experienced it from childhood like most of us); this is one of the most comprehensive, detailed, exhaustive analysis of the pathology of Narcissism. Thank you very much. It is eye opening and very helpful.
Nothing comes close to the damage that these demons inflict on our souls. But we are free to walk away any day. They actually have no true power over us. We just have to see through the illusion of power and control. Conscious love is the only real power on this earth.
This describes my family to a T. Every single words he said checks out and made sense of even in the order it was spoke . I am an adult now, and that guarded behavior he spoke of is destroying me. I can’t connect to people and I don’t understand why, it’s like the chance of having a normal life keeps getting held out to me and snatched away and it’s torture. I feel like I’m in hell and I don’t know how to escape. God have mercy on me and so many others.
A narcissistic man doesn't know that he is one because he has been raised by a narcissistic mother who now plays the card of Old age and fake health issues. Very complicated. One which you might not understand . This is extended family situation I am talking about as daughter in law My kids completely taken over and do not even understand what unconditional love is Or empathy.
Yet I got tossed out of my family twice for incidents that happened concerning my children and its like everyone side with the patriarch. My relationship with my two siblings is none existent, although I have done alot over the years with siblings children they've all sided with their mothers so distancethemselves, so don't have any contact with one set of nieces who sided with the patriarch for financial and support reasons and very little with the others because it feels like she is the matriarch if that family. And my child turned his back on my husband and I with the support of the patriarch because the patriarchcut me out it seemed my child was willing to do the same after a disagreement and still won't try to compromise. I feel alot of this comes from our father and I can see the patterns you have stated in this video. Part of me wants to try to be super nice to everyone just to have a relationship and another part of me thinks I'm better off on the outside 🤔. Either way I get hurt all the time
on the outside is better. as an empathic person it seems harsh but its something I had to learn and foster and do. they are counting on you "being extra nice". I had to do this with my father and it was soul crushing. I let him know I will always be there for him but wasn't going to accommodate any poisonous crap. took every ounce of me to not give in. the brutal fact is narcissist DON'T CHANGE, and when they're loved ones its absolutely heart breaking.
@Krishna Patel why distance from the fam? cuz they were the ones harming. if you're an empathetic type you'll know why, and narcissist even if they're family will exploit this to no end.
@Krishna Patel wow. sounds like you need a safe place to breathe. I know what that feels like. take solace in that you are not like them despite everything around you. do you have any hobbies?
Was wondering if the head of the family can change inside the family cult? The father was an overt bully yet scared of his mother. Married barefoot vulnerable wife who appeared to have had such a tough life. Over time she turns into the bully and he becomes a wimp - she was a covert all along and certainly had me fooled for yesrs. The golden child is totally enmeshed and the enablers just don’t want drama so stay in the game by conformity
I think it's possible due to my personal experience. The father starts off as the head of the family, with financial control and verbal threats of violence and actual violence. He's physically and economically stronger. But the mother over time becomes more powerful because 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. The son becomes terrified of the mothers passive or active aggression and eventually submits to her psychological manipulation and games to seek power and control. He becomes emasculated. Therefore she gains a crucial ally - the next patriarch. He's the loyal son and does her bidding in helping to scapegoat the 'truth teller'. He defends her even against the bully husband. Ironically the husband even becomes the scapegoat at times. She gains more allies due to her fearful offspring. You are so lucky to have survived that family with the ability to see through the matrix.
What if you grew up in a home like this but there was also a lot of religious abuse also. We were very isolated and spent most of our time with like minded church members. Every aspect of our lives was surrounded by fear and our faith. There was DV involved as well. We were able to have friends in our neighborhood but it was a lot of control. I’ve always had a hard time identifying if I was raised in a cult because there were so many similarities to one in my life but not exactly the same.
Thank you Dr. Darren Mage! I grew trying to understand what is wrong with me and feeling a crap, I grew old and discover little by little that all is well, I learned most of all what and how I don't want to be, I still do but I am not running away of it like before, I also don't fear of becoming a covert narcissist myself as before . Thank you so much! ❤
So, I kind of fell apart in the last few months and years, I’m from the Czech Republic and after high school I managed to go to uni even though I thought I’d never be accepted in a city as far away from my mother and her spouse (who we had to call dad, me and my sister) as possible that helped a bit, then in my final year of uni Covid hit so I went and stayed with my dad, who was 11:38 and to a degree still is jaded from dealing with my mother, post divorce and 10+ years of court battles, thankfully he’s awesome, just a bit broken (understandably so), I managed to graduate a bachelor’s degree by some miracle, then I failed to get into grad school on 3 separate occasions and now a forth due to feeling worthless, stupid and incompetent, same issues with job hunting, I also always wanted to make video games for a living, so at least I used the time to try and develop the skills to do so, facing similar issues on the way, I got pretty far a few times always destroying what I’ve made (same cause), thankfully and I am eternally grateful for this my grandfather started supporting me (from abroad), so I rented my own flat, unfortunately a “friend” sort of forced himself to live with me rent free, finally managed to get rid of him after I had to move due to the flats I lived at being turned into Airbnb, he still tried to get me to let him stay with me in my new flat (it’s tiny, one room place, for may reasons), about a year into living “on my own” I stopped talking with my mother, that lasted about 4-5 months before I broke and contacted her again (main reason being I heard from soo many people: “but she’s your mom” and me thinking, maybe she isn’t as bad as I think, it’s just me, I’m horrible), not speaking to her again, hopefully for good this time, also throughout the period while the “friend” was living with me I got into smoking weed as a way to cope, currently breaking the habit and finally opening up about the issues and I started online therapy, now I’m applying for a job that is in the video game industry, hopefully I’ll be able to get it, in the second round where I have to do a test, I hope I manage, anyway I hope this makes sense and can help someone relate, left a lot of things out because I simply don’t remember, or I’m so uncertain that I don’t know what happened
Now I'm glad that I'm a scapegoat, even if I suffered so much until I got physically sick, in the end. I prefer all this suffering instead of having no empathy and living a facade. I prefer suffering than a life in which I cannot love others and in which I am indifferent to someone else's pain. What is the use of creating a perfect image in society if your heart is permanently empty? I prefer the pain of not being loved to the “ curse” of not being able to love.
Hi there - I'm new to your videos but appreciate them very much. 👍 Can you please either turn up your volume, or sit closer? I have good hearing but have to turn your videos way up - then when a commercial comes on - it blasts my poor ears, I scramble to turn down. Then you come back on & I have to turn it way up again, etc., etc. Thank you for reading this!
@@DarrenFMagee - wow, thank you for your prompt response! Yes, hopefully that will help. I do watch quite a few YT videos & particularly have this issue on yours. I don't mean to sound like a Negative Nelly - but I ♥️ your accent & listen closely. Did you grow up in Scotland or Ireland? I would bet Scotland 😁👍♥️👂
@@DarrenFMagee- ah, that's why I couldn't place it! I'm a split between southern Ireland - family from County Cork & other side Scotland... i.e. River Dee 😁 We are across the pond since grandparents but have living relatives in Co. Cork. Please stay safe!
my older sister and myself.. are in the process of escaping from this.. we are the two oldest and have had enough trauma and have recently been the target because we realized what was going on and are leaving.. We had to trespass the rest of the family from our home and are trying to get orders of protection because we actually have custody of the youngest.. and we see the brainwashing that has been done :/ its awful.
WOW thank you so much for responding. seriously, you are so incredibly helpful and insightful, have you seen Dr, Ramani? I think the two of you are the best!!! - ruclips.net/video/QLJhr0p_9yQ/видео.html
I fell into both. My dad was a narcissist (but definitely was not liek what you described. It, got dark. Like really dark)but he blended with a cult. I was the rebelled and LITERALLY had to fight my way out. Like my dad tried to kill me 3 times. I'm getting better and I don't have kids but I am worried about my nieces and nephew.
I have 4 stepchildren and 3 daughters of my own. I believe my stepchildren’s mother is a narcissist. She rarely saw the kids for the first year and a half my husband and I were married, then became really insecure when the kids began developing relationships with me. She started telling the kids at an early age that their dad didn’t love them and was just trying to control them because he was a puppet and I was the puppeteer. At one point, she made the oldest daughter stand in the middle of the room until she would admit this so she ran into the bathroom and called her dad and we went to pick them up. This daughter told us at 14 that she knew this wasn’t true, but she felt like they were being brainwashed. We had them in counseling on and off, but their mom convinced them that we had them in counseling because we thought something was wrong with them and we’re trying to “fix” them. My husband tried to get a protective order for her to have supervised visitations for a while to protect the kids, but the kids and their grandparents freaked out because of what he was “doing to their mom” and the kids got drawn in and began to resent us. Everything was about their mom and we were made out to be the “unsafe” place because of what we were doing to her, so my husband dropped the case. Their motto on their mom’s side is “you just gotta love,” which I agree with whole-heartedly, but that doesn’t mean you go along with abusive behavior. His ex is emotionally and verbally abusive and when she could not control him anymore, she used the kids as pawns and punished him through them. I saw the parental alienation happen to him before my very eyes. One by one, they left our home to go live with their mom and basically take care of her. We tried to get them in counseling even while living at their mom’s, but of course, that was seen as trying to control them instead of help so they refused. Then when they were in tremendous pain and suicidal, she’d call and blame it on us. The oldest (the one who said at 14 that she felt they were being brainwashed) has BPD and now blames me for her emotional problems and wants her dad to go along with her cutting me out of her life and admit I’m controlling him, and he won’t go along with it because it’s not true, so we’re now cut out of her life and have never met her baby. We’re blocked from their lives even on social media. His second daughter has done two week long in-patient stays in a hospital psychiatric ward, has been diagnosed with BPD, but I wonder about narcissism also. She is suicidal but pushes away her dad and I and refuses to stay on medication or continue therapy once the therapist starts trying to get her to take accountability for finding happiness in her life. She lashes out and calls our home toxic in the midst of her brutal name-calling and shaming, even telling me she wishes I would go kill myself. (Which she says her mom did to her. It’s abusive when it’s done to her, but fine when she does it to me apparently.) It’s a constant drama triangle where they have to play the victim. And I see in some ways, they are, but they refuse the help we offer to get them to a healthier, happier space. His youngest has now cut us off. I am concerned she will head down the same road. I love these kids and want happiness for them so much! They try to say the fact they all”feel the same” should make it apparent that we…mostly me are to blame. They just can’t see the root cause of why they feel about themselves as they do is because if these patterns in their family dynamic with their mom.
Never admit to anything… no apologies ever came after his mother made some really bold and disgraceful accusations toward me and my then BF brother. They both just looked down at the table and didn’t say a word. I was in shock. We are in our mid 50’s early 60’s. And this just happened a few years ago.And I thought her so entitled to say such a thing. Ive hated her ever since. After many other incidents i realized she must be upset I’m with her son that she would try and manipulate this way and you know dinner went on after that like nothing was said. It was crazy and he would just say she made a stupid comment and i needed to let it go.. well i let it go alright i grew tired of it all and left. There was definitely a lack of intimacy and connection.
My mom used to go through my room and throw away my toys after dumping my brother and I at my grandparents for a week. No complaints about being at my grandparents house
Can the golden child change in a sociopathic cult family system? What are the signs they can change. I’m married to one. He keeps falling back in the parents lies. Sees truth but keeps getting pulled in. He is also quite abusive.
This was one of my favorite videos that you have made. I really like the detail that you went into here. But the volume is so low on this that I could barely hear it. Is there any way to turn up the sound??
Every week, with or without cause, My father used to line up me and my nine siblings, oldest to youngest (me). He would have us all strip. He would begin beatings in that same order using either a razor strap or a bullwhip. We were two years apart. I was the youngest so I had to stand there, waiting. After each beating he would tell us if anyone found out, he would kill us. That’s how I survived childhood.
Can you be in a family of narcs and borderlines and be a codependent? I am 26. Just got out of a 5 relationship with a borderline woman… didn’t know she was one(7 months ago) I started to dig into my family of orgin and realized I am the scapegoat . Left my family about 5 months ago. Moved out. Realizing my mom is a narcissist (queen of the family and friends) My dad is a borderline (or narc: or Comorbid) I have two borderline sisters and my golden child brother is a narc Then there’s my little brother who is the lost child(he’s nothing… just quiet and stays to himself) But I had to leave him but I couldn’t convince nobodyyyyy in that dynamic what was going on. Silly me… I tried to go to the house during a family gathering and call the whole family out 🤯 This was before I started watching RUclips videos. I just did research and realized what I was dealing with, with my ex and then with them. And I tried to address it Bad idea… got dangerous and everybody ganged up on me and told me to leave. My dad tried to fight me and my mom said she was gonna stab me.in a demonic type of voice (raging) never seen her like that before….I can’t make this up. Now at 26 I realize . I no longer have a family and uhhh yeah it’s kinda fxucked up to be honest
As the unaware adult daughter of narcissists with the generational curse of indigenous Removal, I made a ton of mistakes in parenting. Giving away toys was probably among the less egregious. But my daughters thrive despite me. If you think that I wanted to wait until I was 52 to figure this out, you would be very wrong. I had been trying to sort it out for decades. I was actually trying to be a decent parent. Consider the concerns of the practicing mental health community at the time. And you know you are projecting a lot onto survivors of narc abuse. I must interject, that the problem of narcissistic abuse would still go unnoticed were it not for the anonymous oasis that is the internet for those recovering from a life of abuse.
.... i dont think it is projecting... onto survivors of narc abuse... i think Darren is very tactful the way he explains, how if we do nothing about our own abusive childhood issues, it is likely to manifest into mental health problems. Darren's calm and understanding demeaner has made me more reflective of 'who i am' and 'what i stand for [or believe in]', and helped me understand 'therapy' or 'counselling' gives us the tools to recognize and overcome our faults. [no one is perfect, we all have faults] i didnt know how to be a mother, bcuz my mother is CN. All i knew was, be the opposite of my mother, dont be anything like her. i still made heaps of mistakes, but i tried my hardest to not make the same mistakes she did.
Horrible, been there with both parents....Got out early....There everywhere....CN's are worse kind to deal with I think, as they are so insidious with their behaviour....
Hi I’m 61. I left I lifelong narcissist network of family and husband they approved of. I have no family I want to be with. I’m stable financially and safe. I’m making new friends. Please, there are videos of what narcissism is. But what about living after narcissism
*sociology tells us many of these “best” ideas are true. Wanting us to embrace the idea that “true beauty is determined by our lovely hearts” is statistically inaccurate to the tune of gaslight. We get a lot of mixed messages, but as long as we get up an hour earlier to apply makeup and hot roll our hair, everything will be fine- or as least we will be able to leave without starting a war.
My narcissistic mother would collect my birthday gifts before I could open them and tell me that I don’t need that. She would then give them to other kids for their birthday so she didn’t spend money.
And, instead of giving me a birthday gift, she would say the party itself was my birthday gift. You know, the birthday party that she invited all her own friends to without telling them it’s my birthday.
My dearly way ELDERLY MOMsters took delight in my describing her Sadistically CATHOLIC, Authoritarian Christian home shows many signs that parallel being in a CULT. HARMONY IN THIS DISFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD MUST CONTINUE THE CYCLE OF "$PECIAL NEEDS" BY INCREASINGLY FINDING WAYS TO COMPETE FOR WHOSE HARM HURT ME WORSE.
Question, My mother is the martriarc and nothing gets through the family without going through her first. I tried meeting with 2 of my brothers and she intercepted immediately. She has now begun to recruit my oldest daughter, successfully. Here is my question... with all that being said my mother decided not long along to confide in me that for 15 years when I was between the age of 8 and 23, she was having an affair with my dad's friend. She gave me intimate details about the romance... my question is why did she tell me that while telling me not to tell my brothers because she doesn't want them to feel less of her. I don't understand why she gave me this information.
My family was ultra catholic francoist...my ex partners ultra atheist jews... Both cultish to the brim. The combo has been as lethal as an atom bomb. Trying to deal with trauma bond and a neurological disease...hope ill make it😢
If you cant tell something to one without the entire family knowing, if your parent is too invested in the minutia details of your life, including talking to friends youve stopped talking to, you are in one. Move away and only talk about the mundane if you must, no contact should be the goal but limited is understandable. And dont give them your opinions on anything. The triangulation of the children is the most repulsive aspect. Had to unlearn passive aggressive micro expressions on faces and having to interpret true meanings of what others are saying. Now i am blunt and if they dont say it directly i dont worry about it. It forces them to say what they mean but they will hate you for it. Just the saddest aspect of narcissism, truly. To find out your family hates you for daring to be authentic and branch out. Just gross how much crap they can talk about you to everyone but you but its their own disorder not yours, give them back the shame and guilt they they to lay on your shoulders. You are allowed to change, its the entire point of life, growth and wisdom after experiences and even your mistakes. Some people love living in the past, the present is a gift embrace it❤
weak.. ? no ...... lol we all know, it takes strength to recognize/admit [work on] our own failings it also take enormous strength and conviction to stand up to a bully. .Peace.
@@DarrenFMagee Thank you Darren. I am not amazed that you are in demand! I am learning so much from your videos and cant thank you enough for making them. I am now beginning to understand what has baffled me for decades. Happy New Year and give my love to Belfast. My grandmother hailed from those parts.
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The part about the children becoming like the toxic parents with their own children reminded me of my mother. She would complain endlessly about her "deprived childhood" where her mother had apparently left her to go off travelling, leaving her in the care of other people. So her idea with us as a mother was to go off on long holidays on her own, leaving us in the care of more or less crazy people.
They wanted me to have nothing. They wanted to break me, but I have everything now. Once I cut them out, my life changed so much and on so many levels. You have to cut them out and NEVER look back.
Exactly like a cult. Narcissist is just another word for evil. Brilliant analysis. Thank you.
💯💯💯
The scapegoat child was me. I did become independent as a child because of feeling like I didn’t belong in the toxic family mix. Now, I am grateful for it. My siblings are still vying for attention and in fighting. I am grateful for my freedom and my own work for happiness.
👏🏽👏🏽❤️❤️
YES! I feel the exact same way as the family scapegoat. The narcisistic family dynamic was never designed to work for the scapegoat. Real love, respect, loyalty, or support, isn't something the narcissistic family dynamic was ever designed to offer us. Once I realized that, I excused myself from the nonsense and forged my own path. And even though the healing and growth work was excruciating at times, I'm free from the abuse and finally feel like an authentic, whole person. And honestly, I dont know that i would have been motivated to do that painful work if I had ever felt like I had any other option. It's surreal to consider that if I had ever been able to benefit from the narcissistic family dynamic, I might still be trying to find my place in it to this day, like the rest of my family still is...
❤I hear you❤
I don't think it is like a cult, but that it genuinely is a cult, of personality (or personalities). It matches all the criteria, including the required magical beliefs. Moreover, there is no end to it: even as adults, children are possessions to dominate and control, and to provide endless reinforcement and fawning to the Woshipful Master and/or Tantrum Queen.
It is also possible to have both parents as Narcs. Overt Narcs often match "well" with Covert Narcs who will unstintingly support their reign of emotional abuse.
I’ve never heard anyone describe my childhood experience so clearly! As a teenager, I was an absolute mess, totally confused, brainwashed and angry, with no self-esteem and in a lot of emotional pain. My mom, the matriarch, was the perfect person, the leader, the controller and she was worshipped. I have many symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes, I see narcissistic traits in myself, but, I think most narcissists don’t recognize this, so, I really hope I’m not.
If only more people would realise the impact their family has on their adult life the world would be such a better place! You could read all the self-help books in the world but if you don't know where your anxiety/shame/depression comes from it makes it way harder to heal.
A cult they'll never let you leave if they can help it!
You have to claw your way out and I mean claw your way up a giant ice covered spike laden hill and then slide down the other side full of nails and broken glass and treacherous fire filled canyons but by God when you get out and you get free it is paradise!
Never forget the journey because it will bring you a sense of peace that you could never have known otherwise.
My heart goes out to all the scapegoats and all those who survived and then thrived.
@@thirstonhowellthebird
to "thrive" afterwards is another challenge.
😓
@@chester3621 I know it doesn’t feel like it now but I promise you, I promise you will thrive. You must sever all ties though with your tormentors and their flying monkeys. Your central nervous system has been absolutely crushed and needs time to heal without being activated or triggered. Isolation is key in order to heal. You’ll come out stronger than you ever thought possible. You can reach out to me anytime and I’m sure there are others on here who would flock to support you❤️ stay strong my friend.
@@chester3621 I have to agree. I am like a roller coaster. I have good days and bad days. I just feel that I don't matter to any of them, yet I felt I had done my bit to support them in their tine of need, yet its just doesn't feel reciprocal. I've had no contact, their choice not mine and now I'm trying to rebuild our relationship. Its not easy. Its torment a lot if the time
My mom always says this, that theyre wondering how I left, but the mother of my ex hated me sooooo much, she tried everything to make me leave, I thought she was really nice, but then her true colors showed, she was being super fake with me, and when I told her about her sons abuse twords me, she cried for me, but in court, she said I was a LIAR !!!!! But I guess my ex DID want to keep me, because for 7 years, he wouldn't let me leave him, but finally he gave up and I left,
It's so hard for the spouses of these children to feel accepted into these families.
But why would you even want to be accepted into the family once you know what they are? It’s the confusion at the outset that is so hard - once you work it out aren’t you best off staying away?
@@mariastewart9861👍
Correct, which is why it's mainly better to go "no contact" as myth does to my Narc parents.
Do not feel bad for not being accepted, be happy
You are blessed if you are not accepted in this madness, it is a great compliment. And the chance to not be anyone's puppet.
Thank you for this video.
I do think an often overlooked part of being the child of a narcissistic parent is the way they project onto you. I know there were so many traumatic attacks in my childhood that lasted for hours. I was accused of the terrible things my mother was, before I was even old enough to understand. I wasn't allowed water. I wasn't allowed my brother. My enabler father just watched on. I tried to dissociate but that was denied me too. She had to have me crying, even when I had no actual tears left. Sorry was not enough, never enough. "...she has to mean it!" I can still hear her voice so clearly in my head.
I get stuck so often as I try to recover now, caught between having legitimate needs and being able to voice them, and being convinced I am being like her. It feels as if I have no value if I don't do everything other people want. It feels like having needs of my own is very dangerous.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing. I hope you have or get the support you need and I wish you well for the future
I'm so sorry for what you've endured, it sounds like a never ending nightmare. I pray you will travel a truly healing path and find a new life of peace along the way ❤️
Iam so sorry for your pain , I hope you find a way to heal and be the beautiful person you reallly are
🧡😢-can relate-try -(to care for your own needs) just little bits at a time x
I hope you are making progress in your recovery (my reply is a year after your comment), and I hope you are beginning to understand your worth and value, and feeling at peace. ☮️
A cult is a very good description of my childhood. Both parents cluster B. My role, scapegoat.
Thank you for your videos, I have subscribed 🌷
Scapegoat as well
@@Joshdifferent we scapegoats do have the best insight even as children.
@@terrapintravels3829 absolutely and once I started to learn about narcissism. A lot of things started to click. A lot of things started to make sense. Things that I did not understand but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t right or in the back of my mind those things were not logical to me. Now I’m looking back it’s crazy because I let a lot of stuff slide because I was not aware.
Now that I am no longer around my family at 26. I’m not gonna lie it’s difficult, and confusing but i’m hoping there is a higher purpose.
This was one of my "lightbulb aha" moments - I've had a few along my road to inner peace. I've been battling with if I need to cut my mom out my life as my adopted narcissistic father is still married to her and she is so brainwashed that all our chats are about "I was the drug addict so I'm the wrong one".
It's a cult and so for my own inner peace and healing, ill have to cut her out.
Sad but true.
Thank you and all the other therapist that upload videos that help so many people on our journey. You don't know how much healing comes when we can watch so many videos that make us feel that we are not alone and NOT CRAZY and not terrible people! Thank you all!
(Scapegoat and Truthteller)
Abused to near death and thrown away, never invited to events never talked to but I'm to blame for reacting to the abuse.
Same. Internet hugs!! 🫶
Even with no contact, I still have these circular thoughts that defend my mother, the leader of the family cult, and her stinginess, for example. These are introjects, a whole belief system, they make no sense to me at all, I know that, but they are very strong. They were anchored in me to strengthen her. Everything and everyone that or who surrounds my mother is part of her external "self" - regulation. Nothing and no one is allowed to escape and leave her power with impunity. She has managed to justify her entitlement so brilliantly through triangulation, lies, and pity ploy! My entire family has "come to realize" that I neither deserve to have an education paid for nor deserve to inherit anything because I would be unworthy. We are four siblings and all at odds and estranged from each other. It is a cult! No contact in a way feels like being a dry alcoholic.
All very familiar to me. You are not alone.
Nothing comes close to the damage that these demons inflict on our souls. But we are free to walk away any day. They actually have no true power over us. We just have to see through the illusion of power and control. Conscious love is the only real power on this earth.
This is my husbands family. They have clearly defined roles and it is all to get the love & approval of their dad… although their mom has more than a few narcissistic tendencies also. My husband was the scapegoat… what I missed totally was that once we got together the got married and had kids I became the scapegoat. He literally fed me to them to gain that love and approval he couldn’t get on his own. Then they could unite against the outsider. It’s why both sisters have been divorced. He does it with our daughter also… it is heartbreaking
you so accurately described the dynamics of scapegoating and why other member scapegoat someone.
Wow. This cuts deep.. Ive been coming to terms that my childhood was extremely abusive.. I didn't know what to call it, I've been thinking/saying that I grew up in a "cult like environment". I was a only child that wasn't out into school cus my father had to control everything. Now I know it was a narcissistic family dynamic..
My parents are both narcissistic, as is my older sister. I was the youngest in my family, and my parents have crippled me. I now have chronic health issues, am unable to work full-time, and have been stuck living with my parents my entire adult life. I don't see any way of ever healing or getting out of this situation.
I have a similar situation, my heart goes out to you, let's go make something of ourselves that we want, not what they want, I'll be your cheerleader! ❤
This made my blood run cold, including the “cult” title, which I’ve jokingly (but very accurately) used for a long time to describe my family. Thank you for sharing this and helping stuff make sense.
This is the best description of my family, it was exactly like a cult revolving around my father. In our family, it was musical chairs with narcissistic roles, one day you can be dad’s favourite, the next you would be shunned and given the silent treatment. It all depended on his holiness’s mood at the time 😂
It's all about looks and the show must go on.
A cult is a good analogy. I married into a large narcissistic family presided over by a matriarch. The children's marriages are sort of doomed.
One of my children was her favourite grandchild who she almost kidnapped for a month with my ex's permission among many other things.
They don't honour their children's marriages and it's almost impossible to marry into such a family.
They are all late fifties now and still have this uber clannish mentality.....they don't see it at all.
In your view, is there no other way than get out and save yourself? Are there any way you can enforce boundaries in this type of family?
@@mariastewart9861 Move far away.
Same. It's really hard marring into these families. From the outside they seem so impressive until you marry into it and see how dysfunctional it is.
The story of the steak dinner that was given away ... something very similar happened in my family, but it was Christmas dinner that was given away. The narcissist gave it to coworkers who were spending the holidays away from their families. So he got to look like the hero to these coworkers, meanwhile his own family was left without the Christmas dinner we thought we were going to enjoy.
Yup! Narc parents have no problem giving your stuff (clothing, food, toys, experiences, etc) to other people. As long as they get praise from strangers. Cuz they don’t need their victims praise if you are their negative energy supply. And they value the negative energy ALOT more than positive.
@@aarongerig9223 I'd never heard someone point out that narcs value their negative energy more than the positive but this makes absolute sense! It does feel more draining when they're getting negative energy from you ...
I feel all people on my life have been narcissistic in some way. Not only my family but my student friends, too, and workmates.
We MUST be the best in everythung, the thinnest, the most beautiful, the healthiest, the cleverest, the most artistic, the most spiritual, to have the longest marriage (no divorce, it is a failure), the best education, win the first price in every competition no maytar what competition - shorly: be unhuman. Failures are not allowed.
And now I realise that even I tried to be dofferent, I have acted in that way, too, for to get appreciation and even love.
This is a big aha moment for me- realising it’s a cult, my mind is on fire connecting everything together. Thank you
Never thought of it as a cult but it was!!! I always wondered why I could never leave - my mother is dead over 20 years and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the emotional and psychological abuse. It was horrific. Two aunts as well 😢 I look back at times I had the chance to leave and wish I'd known then about narcissistic abuse. Anyway, healing now. That video was fantastic. New subscriber. Bless you ❤
I can relate to everything your saying I could go into detail yer its kinda sickening what they done deliberately
OMG... I am a fundamentalist Christian Preacher's Kid ... as a young adult I joined a cult that had the same but more extreme doctrines as my father's. Calling my family of origin a cult fills in some holes in my understanding and deepens my understanding. Thank you.
You learn "how to behave, not how to be" - if this doesn't sum it all up for me, I don't know what will. Absolutely my experience.
Thank you. You have described my family perfectly. A matriarchal cult.
This is a video I've had to re upload. The videos I make are requested by you the viewers so please free to suggest any topics you'd like me to cover. Just as a reminder this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional nor is a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
I've just come across your videos.
They are really interesting, thank you
Please make a video on "How to help a higher range narcissistic spouse (wife), whose both parents are narcissist"
@@atandriya thank you for your suggestion 👍
Please do videos on reprogramming yourself from such upbringing.
Hi Darren. I second the request for some approaches to overcoming a narcissistic upbringing- namely for adult children of a narcissist parent.
Your material is fantastic- truly some of the best I've seen online. Looking forward to reading your book on Self- Esteem.
Great video. My husband grew up in a cult within a cult.
When you speak the truth in such a family you truly are seen as the worst person possible and are being pushed away constantly and neglected abused. They will do anything to destroy you, but them pushing you away is a blessing in disguise. You want to be as far away from them as possible. I moved away from my family cult to live with my dad who is also seen as a scapegoat and outsider for not wanting to participate in that cult behaviour. It is hard to completely cut my narcissistic mother out of my life even though it is all that i ever wanted to do, it is scary. I have very low contact with her and dont depend on her for anything. I just have to take one last step
So accurate! Thank you for this.
This is so on point breaking generational curses one curse at a time
My mom basically did the first example. I was permanently humiliated in the theatre group at school.
just starting to learn "a b c"-s about Narcissism (in theoretical terms; experienced it from childhood like most of us); this is one of the most comprehensive, detailed, exhaustive analysis of the pathology of Narcissism. Thank you very much. It is eye opening and very helpful.
Thank you I’m glad you found it helpful
Nothing comes close to the damage that these demons inflict on our souls. But we are free to walk away any day. They actually have no true power over us. We just have to see through the illusion of power and control. Conscious love is the only real power on this earth.
This describes my family to a T. Every single words he said checks out and made sense of even in the order it was spoke . I am an adult now, and that guarded behavior he spoke of is destroying me. I can’t connect to people and I don’t understand why, it’s like the chance of having a normal life keeps getting held out to me and snatched away and it’s torture. I feel like I’m in hell and I don’t know how to escape. God have mercy on me and so many others.
Learned how to behave Instead of BE! Well, there it is.
A narcissistic man doesn't know that he is one because he has been raised by a narcissistic mother who now plays the card of Old age and fake health issues.
Very complicated.
One which you might not understand .
This is extended family situation I am talking about as daughter in law
My kids completely taken over and do not even understand what unconditional love is
Or empathy.
Yet I got tossed out of my family twice for incidents that happened concerning my children and its like everyone side with the patriarch. My relationship with my two siblings is none existent, although I have done alot over the years with siblings children they've all sided with their mothers so distancethemselves, so don't have any contact with one set of nieces who sided with the patriarch for financial and support reasons and very little with the others because it feels like she is the matriarch if that family. And my child turned his back on my husband and I with the support of the patriarch because the patriarchcut me out it seemed my child was willing to do the same after a disagreement and still won't try to compromise. I feel alot of this comes from our father and I can see the patterns you have stated in this video. Part of me wants to try to be super nice to everyone just to have a relationship and another part of me thinks I'm better off on the outside 🤔. Either way I get hurt all the time
its like part of your soul got scooped out with a melon baller.
😞
on the outside is better.
as an empathic person it seems harsh but its something I had to learn and foster and do. they are counting on you "being extra nice". I had to do this with my father and it was soul crushing. I let him know I will always be there for him but wasn't going to accommodate any poisonous crap. took every ounce of me to not give in. the brutal fact is narcissist DON'T CHANGE, and when they're loved ones its absolutely heart breaking.
@Krishna Patel
why distance from the fam?
cuz they were the ones harming. if you're an empathetic type you'll know why, and narcissist even if they're family will exploit this to no end.
@Krishna Patel
wow. sounds like you need a safe place to breathe. I know what that feels like. take solace in that you are not like them despite everything around you.
do you have any hobbies?
You're better off on the outside. It will hurt, but you should cut them off. Everything else will just increase your overall suffering.
Was wondering if the head of the family can change inside the family cult? The father was an overt bully yet scared of his mother. Married barefoot vulnerable wife who appeared to have had such a tough life. Over time she turns into the bully and he becomes a wimp - she was a covert all along and certainly had me fooled for yesrs. The golden child is totally enmeshed and the enablers just don’t want drama so stay in the game by conformity
I think it's possible due to my personal experience. The father starts off as the head of the family, with financial control and verbal threats of violence and actual violence. He's physically and economically stronger. But the mother over time becomes more powerful because 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. The son becomes terrified of the mothers passive or active aggression and eventually submits to her psychological manipulation and games to seek power and control. He becomes emasculated. Therefore she gains a crucial ally - the next patriarch. He's the loyal son and does her bidding in helping to scapegoat the 'truth teller'. He defends her even against the bully husband. Ironically the husband even becomes the scapegoat at times. She gains more allies due to her fearful offspring. You are so lucky to have survived that family with the ability to see through the matrix.
What if you grew up in a home like this but there was also a lot of religious abuse also. We were very isolated and spent most of our time with like minded church members. Every aspect of our lives was surrounded by fear and our faith. There was DV involved as well. We were able to have friends in our neighborhood but it was a lot of control. I’ve always had a hard time identifying if I was raised in a cult because there were so many similarities to one in my life but not exactly the same.
You are not alone! And of course the abusers will never acknowledge their behavior as just that.
@@veronicasmith2612 thank you! I appreciate that. And no never 🙄
Spot on
Thank you Dr. Darren Mage! I grew trying to understand what is wrong with me and feeling a crap, I grew old and discover little by little that all is well, I learned most of all what and how I don't want to be, I still do but I am not running away of it like before, I also don't fear of becoming a covert narcissist myself as before . Thank you so much! ❤
So, I kind of fell apart in the last few months and years, I’m from the Czech Republic and after high school I managed to go to uni even though I thought I’d never be accepted in a city as far away from my mother and her spouse (who we had to call dad, me and my sister) as possible that helped a bit, then in my final year of uni Covid hit so I went and stayed with my dad, who was 11:38 and to a degree still is jaded from dealing with my mother, post divorce and 10+ years of court battles, thankfully he’s awesome, just a bit broken (understandably so), I managed to graduate a bachelor’s degree by some miracle, then I failed to get into grad school on 3 separate occasions and now a forth due to feeling worthless, stupid and incompetent, same issues with job hunting, I also always wanted to make video games for a living, so at least I used the time to try and develop the skills to do so, facing similar issues on the way, I got pretty far a few times always destroying what I’ve made (same cause), thankfully and I am eternally grateful for this my grandfather started supporting me (from abroad), so I rented my own flat, unfortunately a “friend” sort of forced himself to live with me rent free, finally managed to get rid of him after I had to move due to the flats I lived at being turned into Airbnb, he still tried to get me to let him stay with me in my new flat (it’s tiny, one room place, for may reasons), about a year into living “on my own” I stopped talking with my mother, that lasted about 4-5 months before I broke and contacted her again (main reason being I heard from soo many people: “but she’s your mom” and me thinking, maybe she isn’t as bad as I think, it’s just me, I’m horrible), not speaking to her again, hopefully for good this time, also throughout the period while the “friend” was living with me I got into smoking weed as a way to cope, currently breaking the habit and finally opening up about the issues and I started online therapy, now I’m applying for a job that is in the video game industry, hopefully I’ll be able to get it, in the second round where I have to do a test, I hope I manage, anyway I hope this makes sense and can help someone relate, left a lot of things out because I simply don’t remember, or I’m so uncertain that I don’t know what happened
It helps to know it wasn't my imagination.
Now I'm glad that I'm a scapegoat, even if I suffered so much until I got physically sick, in the end. I prefer all this suffering instead of having no empathy and living a facade.
I prefer suffering than a life in which I cannot love others and in which I am indifferent to someone else's pain. What is the use of creating a perfect image in society if your heart is permanently empty?
I prefer the pain of not being loved to the “ curse” of not being able to love.
Basic needs withheld on purpose
Hi there - I'm new to your videos but appreciate them very much. 👍 Can you please either turn up your volume, or sit closer? I have good hearing but have to turn your videos way up - then when a commercial comes on - it blasts my poor ears, I scramble to turn down. Then you come back on & I have to turn it way up again, etc., etc. Thank you for reading this!
Thank you for your feedback and I have recently been using a new mic and camera so hopefully this’ll help
@@DarrenFMagee - wow, thank you for your prompt response! Yes, hopefully that will help. I do watch quite a few YT videos & particularly have this issue on yours. I don't mean to sound like a Negative Nelly - but I ♥️ your accent & listen closely. Did you grow up in Scotland or Ireland? I would bet Scotland 😁👍♥️👂
@@mdee860 Actually it's Northern Ireland. I'm from Belfast
@@DarrenFMagee- ah, that's why I couldn't place it! I'm a split between southern Ireland - family from County Cork & other side Scotland... i.e. River Dee 😁 We are across the pond since grandparents but have living relatives in Co. Cork. Please stay safe!
Absolutely spot on wow👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. Thank you for covering this. God bless you 🙏🏾
my older sister and myself.. are in the process of escaping from this.. we are the two oldest and have had enough trauma and have recently been the target because we realized what was going on and are leaving..
We had to trespass the rest of the family from our home and are trying to get orders of protection because we actually have custody of the youngest.. and we see the brainwashing that has been done :/ its awful.
These descriptions could describe 99% of families.
Thank god for you and your insight! I love your videos, you are so insightful, you say what Ive thought but could never put my finger on!!! ❤❤❤👍👍👍
WOW thank you so much for responding. seriously, you are so incredibly helpful and insightful, have you seen Dr, Ramani? I think the two of you are the best!!! - ruclips.net/video/QLJhr0p_9yQ/видео.html
Spot on! It is exactly that way.
This is very validating! Thank you!
Compassionate love tenderness withheld
I fell into both. My dad was a narcissist (but definitely was not liek what you described. It, got dark. Like really dark)but he blended with a cult. I was the rebelled and LITERALLY had to fight my way out. Like my dad tried to kill me 3 times. I'm getting better and I don't have kids but I am worried about my nieces and nephew.
I have 4 stepchildren and 3 daughters of my own. I believe my stepchildren’s mother is a narcissist. She rarely saw the kids for the first year and a half my husband and I were married, then became really insecure when the kids began developing relationships with me. She started telling the kids at an early age that their dad didn’t love them and was just trying to control them because he was a puppet and I was the puppeteer. At one point, she made the oldest daughter stand in the middle of the room until she would admit this so she ran into the bathroom and called her dad and we went to pick them up. This daughter told us at 14 that she knew this wasn’t true, but she felt like they were being brainwashed. We had them in counseling on and off, but their mom convinced them that we had them in counseling because we thought something was wrong with them and we’re trying to “fix” them. My husband tried to get a protective order for her to have supervised visitations for a while to protect the kids, but the kids and their grandparents freaked out because of what he was “doing to their mom” and the kids got drawn in and began to resent us. Everything was about their mom and we were made out to be the “unsafe” place because of what we were doing to her, so my husband dropped the case. Their motto on their mom’s side is “you just gotta love,” which I agree with whole-heartedly, but that doesn’t mean you go along with abusive behavior. His ex is emotionally and verbally abusive and when she could not control him anymore, she used the kids as pawns and punished him through them. I saw the parental alienation happen to him before my very eyes. One by one, they left our home to go live with their mom and basically take care of her. We tried to get them in counseling even while living at their mom’s, but of course, that was seen as trying to control them instead of help so they refused. Then when they were in tremendous pain and suicidal, she’d call and blame it on us. The oldest (the one who said at 14 that she felt they were being brainwashed) has BPD and now blames me for her emotional problems and wants her dad to go along with her cutting me out of her life and admit I’m controlling him, and he won’t go along with it because it’s not true, so we’re now cut out of her life and have never met her baby. We’re blocked from their lives even on social media. His second daughter has done two week long in-patient stays in a hospital psychiatric ward, has been diagnosed with BPD, but I wonder about narcissism also. She is suicidal but pushes away her dad and I and refuses to stay on medication or continue therapy once the therapist starts trying to get her to take accountability for finding happiness in her life. She lashes out and calls our home toxic in the midst of her brutal name-calling and shaming, even telling me she wishes I would go kill myself. (Which she says her mom did to her. It’s abusive when it’s done to her, but fine when she does it to me apparently.) It’s a constant drama triangle where they have to play the victim. And I see in some ways, they are, but they refuse the help we offer to get them to a healthier, happier space. His youngest has now cut us off. I am concerned she will head down the same road. I love these kids and want happiness for them so much! They try to say the fact they all”feel the same” should make it apparent that we…mostly me are to blame. They just can’t see the root cause of why they feel about themselves as they do is because if these patterns in their family dynamic with their mom.
@@kriscox3711 .. try and stay strong.... all children grow up,
sometimes all we can do is be there with support when the penny finally drops... x
Nailed it! Felt this
thanks for the videos
Never admit to anything… no apologies ever came after his mother made some really bold and disgraceful accusations toward me and my then BF brother. They both just looked down at the table and didn’t say a word. I was in shock. We are in our mid 50’s early 60’s. And this just happened a few years ago.And I thought her so entitled to say such a thing. Ive hated her ever since. After many other incidents i realized she must be upset I’m with her son that she would try and manipulate this way and you know dinner went on after that like nothing was said. It was crazy and he would just say she made a stupid comment and i needed to let it go.. well i let it go alright i grew tired of it all and left. There was definitely a lack of intimacy and connection.
Thank you.
My mom used to go through my room and throw away my toys after dumping my brother and I at my grandparents for a week. No complaints about being at my grandparents house
Can the golden child change in a sociopathic cult family system? What are the signs they can change. I’m married to one. He keeps falling back in the parents lies. Sees truth but keeps getting pulled in. He is also quite abusive.
Struggle to recognise what was wrong
This was one of my favorite videos that you have made. I really like the detail that you went into here. But the volume is so low on this that I could barely hear it. Is there any way to turn up the sound??
Every week, with or without cause, My father used to line up me and my nine siblings, oldest to youngest (me). He would have us all strip. He would begin beatings in that same order using either a razor strap or a bullwhip. We were two years apart. I was the youngest so I had to stand there, waiting.
After each beating he would tell us if anyone found out, he would kill us.
That’s how I survived childhood.
😱😢 I'm SOOOO sorry you had to endure that
I can't believe that I have married into this "cult", and now I'm pregnant.
I really enjoy your videos. Can you do borderline men sometime? Thank you!
Thank you for your kind feedback and suggestion and yes I’ll look into doing a video on that for you
Avoidance and fear
Can you be in a family of narcs and borderlines and be a codependent?
I am 26. Just got out of a 5 relationship with a borderline woman… didn’t know she was one(7 months ago)
I started to dig into my family of orgin and realized I am the scapegoat . Left my family about 5 months ago. Moved out.
Realizing my mom is a narcissist (queen of the family and friends)
My dad is a borderline (or narc: or Comorbid)
I have two borderline sisters and my golden child brother is a narc
Then there’s my little brother who is the lost child(he’s nothing… just quiet and stays to himself)
But I had to leave him but I couldn’t convince nobodyyyyy in that dynamic what was going on.
Silly me… I tried to go to the house during a family gathering and call the whole family out 🤯
This was before I started watching RUclips videos. I just did research and realized what I was dealing with, with my ex and then with them. And I tried to address it
Bad idea… got dangerous and everybody ganged up on me and told me to leave. My dad tried to fight me and my mom said she was gonna stab me.in a demonic type of voice (raging) never seen her like that before….I can’t make this up.
Now at 26 I realize . I no longer have a family and uhhh yeah it’s kinda fxucked up to be honest
@Andrea DiBella 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽. Sending love to you as well
Omg - my ex said in the exact same thing “ I never admit to anything “ 😮
I’m engaged to be married into this type of family dynamic where the matriarch rules the roost and must be worshipped and revered or else
Run!!!
@annacroixxif you've completely cut them off.if you haven't you haven't healed
Great video! Is it really possible to assert or talk it out with a narcissist? Even so, with a malignant one?
I made videos on managing boundaries and communication if they’re of any help?
As the unaware adult daughter of narcissists with the generational curse of indigenous Removal, I made a ton of mistakes in parenting. Giving away toys was probably among the less egregious. But my daughters thrive despite me. If you think that I wanted to wait until I was 52 to figure this out, you would be very wrong. I had been trying to sort it out for decades. I was actually trying to be a decent parent.
Consider the concerns of the practicing mental health community at the time. And you know you are projecting a lot onto survivors of narc abuse.
I must interject, that the problem of narcissistic abuse would still go unnoticed were it not for the anonymous oasis that is the internet for those recovering from a life of abuse.
.... i dont think it is projecting... onto survivors of narc abuse... i think Darren is very tactful the way he explains, how if we do nothing about our own abusive childhood issues, it is likely to manifest into mental health problems. Darren's calm and understanding demeaner has made me more reflective of 'who i am' and 'what i stand for [or believe in]', and helped me understand 'therapy' or 'counselling' gives us the tools to recognize and overcome our faults. [no one is perfect, we all have faults]
i didnt know how to be a mother, bcuz my mother is CN. All i knew was, be the opposite of my mother, dont be anything like her.
i still made heaps of mistakes, but i tried my hardest to not make the same mistakes she did.
@@mzliberty7647 Try not to do what she did... she was successful.
@@user-ey4rc5tu4t .. lol.. ouchy
Pecking order applies. But you have to be in a family of displaced Loyalists to really get that sweet iced tea aftertaste.
Horrible, been there with both parents....Got out early....There everywhere....CN's are worse kind to deal with I think, as they are so insidious with their behaviour....
"The family is a drug and we are all junkies"
- From the movie "Crooked Hearts"
Hi I’m 61. I left I lifelong narcissist network of family and husband they approved of. I have no family I want to be with. I’m stable financially and safe. I’m making new friends. Please, there are videos of what narcissism is. But what about living after narcissism
Hi there I’ve made videos and livestreams on recovery if there’s anything there you’d find interesting?
*sociology tells us many of these “best” ideas are true. Wanting us to embrace the idea that “true beauty is determined by our lovely hearts” is statistically inaccurate to the tune of gaslight. We get a lot of mixed messages, but as long as we get up an hour earlier to apply makeup and hot roll our hair, everything will be fine- or as least we will be able to leave without starting a war.
My narcissistic mother would collect my birthday gifts before I could open them and tell me that I don’t need that. She would then give them to other kids for their birthday so she didn’t spend money.
She would also invite people to my birthday party without telling them it’s my birthday so they wouldn’t bring anything and she wouldn’t be indebted.
And, instead of giving me a birthday gift, she would say the party itself was my birthday gift. You know, the birthday party that she invited all her own friends to without telling them it’s my birthday.
Could you please raise the volume a bit?
The audio was too low on this one :(
My dearly way ELDERLY MOMsters took delight in my describing her Sadistically CATHOLIC, Authoritarian Christian home shows many signs that parallel being in a CULT. HARMONY IN THIS DISFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD MUST CONTINUE THE CYCLE OF "$PECIAL NEEDS" BY INCREASINGLY FINDING WAYS TO COMPETE FOR WHOSE HARM HURT ME WORSE.
Question,
My mother is the martriarc and nothing gets through the family without going through her first. I tried meeting with 2 of my brothers and she intercepted immediately. She has now begun to recruit my oldest daughter, successfully. Here is my question... with all that being said my mother decided not long along to confide in me that for 15 years when I was between the age of 8 and 23, she was having an affair with my dad's friend. She gave me intimate details about the romance... my question is why did she tell me that while telling me not to tell my brothers because she doesn't want them to feel less of her. I don't understand why she gave me this information.
.. she might be testing you... ????
.. tread carefully... x
so you will share with your precious daughter in order to protect her try to expose the swamp creature who will immediately deny claim victim
the monster prob slept with all that came into her web
no boundaries
My family was ultra catholic francoist...my ex partners ultra atheist jews... Both cultish to the brim. The combo has been as lethal as an atom bomb. Trying to deal with trauma bond and a neurological disease...hope ill make it😢
I think that narcissistic parents are like the Devil
If you cant tell something to one without the entire family knowing, if your parent is too invested in the minutia details of your life, including talking to friends youve stopped talking to, you are in one. Move away and only talk about the mundane if you must, no contact should be the goal but limited is understandable. And dont give them your opinions on anything. The triangulation of the children is the most repulsive aspect. Had to unlearn passive aggressive micro expressions on faces and having to interpret true meanings of what others are saying. Now i am blunt and if they dont say it directly i dont worry about it. It forces them to say what they mean but they will hate you for it. Just the saddest aspect of narcissism, truly. To find out your family hates you for daring to be authentic and branch out. Just gross how much crap they can talk about you to everyone but you but its their own disorder not yours, give them back the shame and guilt they they to lay on your shoulders. You are allowed to change, its the entire point of life, growth and wisdom after experiences and even your mistakes. Some people love living in the past, the present is a gift embrace it❤
Tell us what you said back to the guy in your last story!
What if you were also raised in a actual cult also
weak.. ? no ...... lol
we all know, it takes strength to recognize/admit [work on] our own failings
it also take enormous strength and conviction to stand up to a bully. .Peace.
My God man. I just discovered you Darren, do you consult?
I see clients yes but unfortunately have very limited availability
@@DarrenFMagee Thank you Darren. I am not amazed that you are in demand! I am learning so much from your videos and cant thank you enough for making them. I am now beginning to understand what has baffled me for decades. Happy New Year and give my love to Belfast. My grandmother hailed from those parts.
I love your videos, but the sound isn’t very good-
Thanks
♥️
To bad I really can’t hear you.You have an accent and may need to turn up your volume.
You have an accent too, dummy.😂
sounds like a political party here in the USA.
@C M
no, I said the USA.