Narcissistic Father Son Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
- In this video Darren Magee outlines some of the common dynamics in a narcissistic father and son relationship. Common characteristics of narcissism include a sense of entitlement, being resistant or sensitive to criticism, an over inflated sense of importance and a lack of empathy. In the father / son relationship this often plays out as being emotionally distant, authoritarian parenting, and unrealistic or unfair expectations on the son.
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What would the relationship between a covert narcissistic father and his son look like? Speaking from experience the topics you discuss in this video seem similar and feel familiar, but I’m interested in your professional opinion or any one else’s in the comment section for that matter?
Your video is 100 % n'y 2 Children son and daughter we stolen by there narc father even though I had sole custody. My son completely alienated from me, my daughter became him. It's been 17 years.. It was easy for him to do too because I have no parent or family co counter act his poisoning.
I left my narcissistic man but I have kids by him. It seems to me if he doesn't have me he doesn't want nothing to do with them... For advice how do I deal with it or moving forward.?
You described my dad perfectly. Never really taught me anything. Just wanted to show himself superior. So true. Thank you, Dr.
For me it messes with me. Hearing my mother be abused like i was hurt me the most. And what kills mee is i have kids now, and deep down im like him. I get mad like him. I talk like him. But im trying. Trying to changethat before i self destruct. Peace ☮️ love and meditation. Iwill hopefully find before i check out.
What they do end up teaching us is are the exact opposite of what they should: that danger is safe and safe is dangerous; that abuse is love and that love is abuse. That we are the worst possible scum of the earth, while the entire reasoning for hating us is that we have good qualities that they covet.
Amen, kept me small my whole life then discarded when I got too strong "thanks dad" 😂
@@khrissalas6999 I could have typed that word for word.
@@khrissalas6999 you have the critical parent in the back of your head. Create a new identity which no one can't take from you
For the son to get to spend time with his father, he must take an interest in the things the father is interested in. But the father rarely shows interest in the things the son is interested in.
Yes, I have 5 sons and their father , while pleasant enough basically ignores them unless they are interested in HIS wants and likes.
Very true
@@jmwillilams023 yoI should seriously intervene so they don’t grow up and turn to drugs or something destructive like many of us boys did.
@@itskeagan3004 I do my best and am actively involved in my boys interests but a mother can NEVER replace a father. I've given it to God to do the rest.
@@jmwillilams023 I see…maybe nudging the father to learn the impacts…boys really need approval and encouragement, confidence is huge
I'm 31 but my relationship with him has always been distant, he was never really emotionally available...we never had a time where I felt safe to open up because he was always dismissive and and just focused on what I should be doing in his eyes...no matter what I do, it is never enough, there will be another crack for him to criticize.
32. Same boat brother ✊🏾
I am 38 and same here
Same here bro. It was never enough whatever I did.
36 here too
29, same here
At the age of 50 I have removed my Narcissistic father from my life, better late than never.
I did the same but after he was tensed and got heart attack I left all my grudges and I just got stand with him in a matter of minutes then I admit him in hospital then he shows love and wating for me to come but flying monkeys don't want me to be with him . I was with him last 30 days in hospital and after discharge he got third heart attack ,he died and I got shattered. By all my foolishness thinking in old age I left my father . Bcz I take things personally.
You can also have an empathic father and narcissistic son I know
Same here. He is a monster.
this is what I grew up with and now I haven't spoken to my dad in 20 years and good riddance, this video made me cry it's so accurate
"The father may turn up at the child's house someday unannounced to do some work he feels needs to be done." This is exactly what my father did!
Mine too. Everyone thought I was so lucky to have my father working on my home and in my yard. They had no idea what was really going on.
@@lacecurtainirish It has been so therapeutic finding videos like this because I thought I was the only one with this crazy situation. My father would show up to my house that I owned uninvited and throw away my things like my snow blower, scream at me for not shoveling my driveway first thing in the morning, lecture me for not maintaining my yard to his standards, etc. I always wanted a dog and was afraid of how he would react. I got a dog and was going to put up a dog run and he insisted that he was going to be over that next Saturday to help me put up the dog run. I insisted that I was going to do it myself. This lead to a giant fight and he called me screaming and swearing at me at my work phone. I held my boundaries and if he ever shows up on my property I am calling the police and having him arrested. I have not had to see or talk to him for three years and I wish I had gone no contact 20 years ago.
@Joe Williston I had no idea anyone else had those experiences. And you’re right, it is therapeutic finding these videos. I always thought my father had his own brand of crazy but after reading your reply I have to consider that he was not so unique after all. Unfortunately, I didn’t go no contact. In fact, I built a house on the property next door to him and stayed for 22 years, caring for him before his passing in 2020. I have, however, gone no contact with the rest of my family since. I guess I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him or maybe I was just that brainwashed and gaslighted. Maybe both, not sure. I was definitely afraid though. I was well aware of how he sought revenge on anyone that crossed him, including family. Vicious, underhanded stuff. I can relate to your story about the snow blower. My father used to take my tools. Sometimes to keep for himself and other times to give to someone else. Or worse, he would take my newer tool and replace it with a crappy one he pulled out of someone’s dumpster. One time, he gave away my ride-on mower. Every day was an adventure. Most people can’t understand but I was so relieved when he died. I felt like I won some kind of survivor series reality show, because not everyone in the family survived his wrath. My mother was completely broken and died about ten years prior, my brother committed suicide, my adopted sister ran away and became an addict, and my oldest sister became a manipulative and controlling jerk just like him. Thank you for sharing your experience, and thank you for listening. ❤️
@@lacecurtainirish My father was exactly the same! The fear and vindictiveness is hard to explain to other people. When I finally kicked him out of my life, he held the mortgage on my house. I was paying the interest and principal and never late. He demanded my mortgage in full, so I had to give him $100,000. I paid him the money and he was officially dead to me. He continues to try to get back in my life by getting family and estrangement councilors to reach out to me and sends me nasty e-mails. I finally had to block him because his messages got me so worked up. I am glad to compare stories if you ever want to talk. Unfortunately he is still alive and torturing my mother. I look forward to the day he finally passes and we can be free.
Its what Doc PsyD. Lindsay Gibson says in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Inmature Parents
From my personal experiences, I can tell that my parent in rare ocassions does work on the house fixing something that isn't probably a great problem. We can need his help for something, he says that he will do it. Five months after that, he finally decided to make it. Of course that im in conflict with him!
This pretty f... up a lot of my sense of responsibility being a child and a young adult.
Making sense of all of this negligent and sometimes malignant behaviour permitted me to grow and heal, pretty slow, but it is better than being consumed by anxiety and being stuck in everything.
I'll consider myself the lost child of a narcissist dad... So much of what you say hits home... I'm a burden, I'm to be seen and not heard, I am his servant... He worked for himself as a translator and I would stop by his office in our home to say hi, and he would want to show me a project he's working on with his computer... But it was weird because it wasn't the sort of dad wanting to bond type thing, I would be trapped for an hour while he showed me this and then that, and then how he made a change to his dBase program... And I was afraid to say.." thanks dad, but I'm working on stuff too...gotta go". He loved an audience, especially when it was about how smart he is... And then when I became an electrical engineer, I became savvy with mathematics... And he brought up Fourier transform from his days of teaching Medical imaging repair and maintenance... Because it sounds smart... I offered to show him how to calculate a Fourier transform. I've never seen him look so uncomfortable.
Relatable bro
When you say i gotta go you feel suden turn in his mood
I’m the youngest daughter of a man who wanted a son and every word you spoke is exactly how he treated me, right down to being told, “don’t ever get married.“ I never did get married because I was too afraid I would pick someone like him and be trapped just like my mother.
Yet it feels like the 3rd daughter in our family is the most loved and pampered
@@juliaf7068 The roles alternate because when I was growing up my beautiful older sister was the golden child and because she was treated as royalty I worshiped her and yet she hated me. I was unattractive and had crossed eyes and wore cat glasses lol and some people felt sorry for me but she for whatever reason hated and smeared me my entire life. In my adult life I became the golden child for like five minutes and then just as in the Bible, Joseph and his brothers, the true evil in her came out and I was crucified and left the dynamic and will never return. It’s a true sickness and if I’d been reading my Bible all along I would’ve understood it and I would’ve known how to handle it better emotionally. No one ever thinks such horrors go on behind cloaked family doors or that abuse will happen to them until it does.
I'm 50 and realized only in the last year my dad was narcissistic. He too told me "never get married", and I don't know why. It stuck with me though and I never did marry. I've been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, and my two sisters ended up with similar men as well. I am doing everything in my power to protect my son from his dad's narcissistic behavior. It's been an open discussion with both my son and his dad about this. We live in a small town and I told his dad that my son and I might move if that's what it takes to get away from him.
@@lil_neon2210 keep your moves secret from the narcissistic people in your life
I was dumbstruck when I realized that was my fear as well. I watched this video to try and understand my brother more as we had a very narcissistic father. I realized recently that I've never gotten married because I'm too afraid of marrying someone like my dad or brother.
The narcissistic father will give a task that is plain out dangerous for its own child. And the narcissistic father can show more affection to his dog than to his child.
That was really helpful thank you. I got kicked out / found my freedom at 18 and I'm 45 this year. Still on the healing journey though, some days are better than others.
That is one of the things I fear the most. I know quite well that there are very few in my family who could be of sincere support to me.
My father considers himself the master of my life, and that he is owed all the respect in the world, that "one has to earn things".... How great my father is, every time he wants to, he addresses me with a mean thug tone of voice...to his own son, to a guy 20 years younger than him.
Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how ridiculous his considerations can be. Very few who can believe it. And by extension. Its sequels.
@@luisapaza317 better to be free and alone than to live in a fearful shadow. That's what worked for me. Good luck on your journey.
same here friend
This man just described my relationship with my father. Glad I'm not alone in this.
I'm listening to this as a younger sister to a brother who was mercilessly treated by our father. I copped the same but this video is for him. There is only one component missing and that is how often these fathers are not only verbally/emotionally abusive, but physically as well. I saw my dear brother being terrorized by dad and beaten badly over any trivial thing. My brother J was a good person yet nothing he did was right in dad's eyes. Dad wouldn't speak, he'd shout! J had a bad nervous breakdown when only 3 (I wasn't around till another 3 years later.) He started screaming with his hands clamped over his ears saying "Why are the birds so loud?! " and "Why is the clock ticking so loudly?!" He just went hysterical..he didn't get treated of course. Dad probably knocked it out of him like he did me when I had a breakdown age 9. (I got a beating every day and he'd heap words on me like I was no good and a bitch etc etc.) All done in loud screaming tones. I was beaten if I looked afraid and if not, beaten to put me in fear.
My dear brother today is retired now. He became a perfectionist workaholic. He was good looking and likable and had no shortage of friends. I think he just internalized everything and - became - narcissistic!
I still remember the kind words he showered on me one day when I was little telling me I was "a dear little girl and the sweetest in the world!" He was so kind and caring - now its criticism etc. But I think he partly realizes he has a problem. He is a multimillionaire and ceo of a large export company. Has a mansion and his own golf course salt water pool sauna etc etc overlooking a bay. But he loves nothing more than having people stay and looking after them. He always has friends or friends of friends staying.
How he turned out as well as he did is a miracle of God I believe.
One of the worse pains of my life was to see him being beaten.
It might he helpful to do a video to help people who suffered physical abuse from violent narcissists, to recover, if that's possible.
Remember that not just your horrific beatings, but your witness to his beatings, was also a form of trauma. My first love Gary was also horrifically beaten by his father, so much so that it caused permanent damage, and caused G to believe he had become disfigured. My love healed him for a time, but then my abusive mother drove us apart, due to hiss / my being one-another's resiliency / sanity-check against his father's abuse of him and my mother's abuse of me.
The really twisted part came when our abusers joined forces against us. We had no chance. We were both traumatized. I have gotten help, but I don't know if he ever did. The saddest part was knowing that he lived with his father after his divorce from a terribly abusive, exploitative woman for between 5 and 10 years (I'm not sure, as I only spoke to him during a short time during that period) in his 40s...so he was continually abused his entire life. When I tracked him down and called him a few times (1) his avoidant attachment style and my anxious attachment style led to my trying to meet withi him and his refusal to do so for fear of being loved then having his heart broken again and (2) his father, who had never met nor spoken to me a single time, referred to me as a 'trollop'. What a disgusting old bstrd.
My precious G is now in eternal fellowship with God our Father and has a good father now, surrounded by endless love. I pray for the day when he and I can see one another again (not exactly praying for death, just praying to see / be with him again when that time comes). He was so gentle and tender-hearted. A truly beautiful human with a precious heart. I'm thankful for every single moment in his presence and am a better person for having known him.
My story is similar but my sister turned on me. I wish you were my sister. Hehe. Thanks for your input.
God works in mysterious ways. I can relate to your story. I was a witness of physical violence and a victim, too (in the childhood). Your brother has strength inside seeing the light in the darkness.
Dear tryagain563,
I started to read your post and as I'm reading it, I'm thinking is this my sister writing this because it was verbatim my life and my name is John, then I got to the millionaire part and realized that some poor kid named J had the same miserable existence as me but at least he got something from his dad.
Thanks for your post.
J
My father said to me as a 40 year old man, “I need to destroy your self esteem”. I don’t even get upset any more. I just laugh.
That is unbelievably hurtful 😮 .I'm sorry .
I hope you have found ways to heal from the unfair treatment. Or you start to heal from that relationship ❤ it's a process but it's so worth it.
Nailed it. I've spent 63 years of my life unraveling the layers of trauma. My dad was a good provider. And taught me a lot that has helped me to be successful today. But I can see how what happened to me has made my life more difficult than it needed to be. I can see how it has affected my choices and people to have relationships with. Thank you for sharing
Even after getting away from an abusive narcissistic person, one has to spend quite some time retraining their brain. Often times the narcs don't even understand the damage they have dealt it's upsetting.
What damage? They can't possibly cause damage, because they're perfect.
Yes they do understand. They know exactly what they are doing to those they chose to target.
They 're just the type of person who knows how do manipulation fonction . therefore they are very good at and concious of how painless they are. They know exactly what they are doing.
My father to a T! As a young boy I idolised him and was painfully proud and boastful of his being a pilot. l now realise this was sad compensation for a bastard who abandoned our family - wife and four children. Had karma not caught up with him I'm certain I would have eventually knocked him out cold. He was a pathetic grandiose narcissist and alcoholic who contributed only DNA to his offspring. I felt I never measured up, but I have far surpassed his modest achievements and vowed never to subject my son to the same torture I endured. Despite a rocky start I have had a successful and fulfilling life. Thanks for the video Darren
✊😊♥️
Sounds like my father exactly. And used religion to manipulate and deceive and traumatized and torture. At age 38. I have finally cut off and trying to my best to heal and move on
I recognise a lot of what you describe, especially the lectures rather than converstions
I do too
Definitely. Even if you tried to have a conversation with him strange how my mother would say can you two stop arguing. If you had an experience he could tell you his was bigger and better! As a woman what did I know, whoo betide if you knew something he didnt, he'd argue that he knew that or you'd got it wrong.
Been there!
Mine used cliches. When I started to be more aware (very late), I asked him for an example from his own life. Crickets. This was all very damaging it appears. I see the traits are largely the same, and in hindsight it's clear he couldn't celebrate my accomplishments, but he really seemed indifferent.
My mother began (to his knowledge, g-d help my former infant self) physically abusing me during potty training. "What'd you do?", "I argued with her, but ultimately, I cried."
So he didn't protect me, and Co-dependency is my best guess, unless his trophy wife was a supply just too valuable?
I've been doing what I can to heal, but find myself (due to my "mental health difficulties" (mine now, dammit)) back in his house.
I see that nothing has changed, except that he's not going to try to hit me now. I know that in order to grieve and heal, I must reparent this little dude inside, and I imagine what it must've been like to be abused by one, and ignored by the other..nowhere to go, noone was there, even while present. Hard to believe and accept, but if I don't get "us" out of there, "we're" not going to make it.
Tough, as before this arose with such force in my life, I earned a Master's in Counseling, and was hoping to move through this enough to support others. Can't do that whilst stuck.
Sales, my former career, seems like a different person did that job.
Long write and read. Needed expression, so thanks to any who are still reading.
This is exactly my father. It's like you have met him. Thank you for this video.
My son's father demands respect but shows none back.
These men know very little about how to parent...
Always bring down my son in front of others and treats him like s***.
Every single word spoken in this video exactly matches my dad. I realised it before but couldn't articulate it well enough for myself, my mom, and my brothers. Thank you, Darren.
My narcissistic father has spent most of my adult life treating me like a boundary violator for wanting to criticise him. Have you come across this behaviour of a narcissist, the ultimate boundary violator, projecting this behaviour onto their victim? Would be glad to see a video on this topic.
Thank you for your comment and suggestion, and yes I have seen how they often accuse others of doing the very things that they do themselves.
Look PPP p
The reactive abuse, oh... its a terrible energy drainer
Definitely it's my life story. I can't believe there are so many others. Wild. Stay tough y'all. I know it's maddening but least we know who not to be 😢
I feel so sad that my son’s covert narc dad hurt him so terribly. I hope my son now 25 will have peace. His father just passed away.
Im very grateful to watch this video at young age (18) ,I just finished school.
Everything in this video is so relatable. Soon im going to be indepent.
Your description is the closest I have found to my relationship with my own father. He and my mother divorced when I was 12. My mother is the one who wanted out of the marriage. My father was indifferent to me and I cannot describe what that did to me especially since I wanted to live with him. He wouldn't take me so I had stay with my mother and her new husband. My step father was jealous of and resented me. Of course dad was jealous of me too. How sick is that? My own father. I will say there will be no peace from this until God calls me home. I try to ignore things that cause me pain and grief. Of course that is about as helpful as getting drunk alone. Interesting video thank you for making it!
What an amazing description of my father, 90%+ match! Thank you so much for such a gratifying conformation my childhood experience! Very helpful insights!
My brothers and my dad. I @m 67, still dealing with their grandiosity.
That's my daddy...i realised who he is just now (I'm 38). My father when asked to help usually mocks me and tries to show how stupid I am. It took me years to understand that he doesn't know the answer himself. He never helped me with anything at school but makes stories how thanks to his effort and support I graduated with MA. He's an alcoholic but doesn't drink for 3 years now. At certain point I realised I was being sexually attracted to men that resembles him (physically and behaviour-wise, also alcoholics). Last year I also noticed that I'm copying my father - buying the same cars he had, same style of clothing. It feels like merging with him. I'm the older son. I have a 1 year younger brother. I was a very sensitive kid. Always under protection of my mother. My little brother had similar interests and even physical look like my dad. So he became "the chosen one". I was confused because on one hand my dad was saying: you're my firstborn son (kind of asking me to assume some role) but then he just ignored me for all the time. Last month I went to visit my parents. I live in another country. I haven't seen them for a year. I gave my dad a watch he wanted as a gift. He took it and said: ok, I'm gonna watch some tv, there's some sport today. So he thought it was perfectly okay after 5 minutes of seeing me just to go away and watch TV. My mum reacted stopping him. But me, at this very moment it struck me like a lightning: my father has a huge problem with himself.
You were sexually attracted to men like him? Was it due to a lack of love?
@@a-lee-legendaryis-forever6045 Thank you for your comment. Yes, I still am. Actually I joke now about it. My unfulfilled love interests, friends, even housemates, often have alcohol or narcissistic personality issues. From what I understand, how our psyche works: when we're little our parents create a pattern that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. The picture of my mum in my head created a general woman image. The same with my father, he became a symbol of masculinity and my desires.
Almost word for word of what I’ve been going through my whole life …..
very unfortunate that this is the case but good thing I’m smart enough and strong enough to stand strong on my own & become the man that I am and want to be 💪🏽
Thank you for your time and effort sharing your insight on these subjects
Thank you and you’re welcome 👍
Bingo! I have been trying to figure this all out, but my father said exactly what you stated. Children are to be seen and not heard, and when I cried because my dog got hit by a car, he said "Your little brother is more of a man than you'll ever be!" From that day on I hated him and myself, and it set me on a very destructive course for a long time.
My dad by his strong in-action let my beloved dog, die. Yes, simply that. His negligences caused it. Not only by the point of my dogs day of death, but by much time ago, im standing out to him. Subjects like these don't deserve respect. Nor contemplations.
This is so painful to watch because somebody i love doesn't see how much his father has effected him...its destroying his individually and creativity..
I have three children (23 year old son, 20 year old daughter, 17 year old son). My husband works from home and I go to work everyday. So my husband spends more time with the children. My husband has always been horrible to the older son. On the contrary, he is always nice fatherly with the other two children. Sometimes when I come back from work, I find my husband my daughter and my younger son either sitting together or sharing time together or chatting or teasing each other or sharing pizza or cooking together or watching a comedy or playing a video game and so on. I ask them where the older son is, everybody shrug their shoulder as if he should not even be in this house. When the older son hears me being at home, he comes downstairs and we have a small chat about each other's day etc. I have chat with my daughter and son too but it feels like the older son is only my son, it feels like my older son is not their brother or his son. It is hearth breaking. As my husband is at home all the time, this situation is very intense at home. I could not understand why the situation in our home was like this. I wanted to divorce him but then you had two other children who would be deprived of their father. However, seeing videos like this, I have realised my husband is a narcist and my daughter has developed narcissist traits. If I knew about narcissism 20 years ago, I would definitely divorce my husband, I would definitely live separately from him, most importantly would keep his involvement in the children's life to a minimum because he has effected all of my children's life. My older child who is 23 finished the university has a job and a girlfriend but still has confident issues which is very upsetting. My daughter who is 20 years old at university studying law but complains about everything, teachers are stupid, friends are useless, I am a terrible mother, she insults me or never values my opinion, for example, she tells me I am a foreigner what would I know (I am Kurdish and my husband is English by the way) why do I not get back on my boat go home (which makes my husband giggle), she keeps telling me she is taller and more beautiful than me (to which I do not say much and just laugh it off thinking she is young and has little life experience and hope as she gets older she will be more sensible) she is desperate for attention, instead of reading her law books she reads books about how to manipulate and tells me how she tried on people and it worked. My younger son who is 17 years old is acting like he does not have to do anything because his father will leave him properties.
Thank you, you explained it so well and demonstrated your proficiency in this field very well. Can't believe I gave my father this many chances, he blew it every time. 100% narcissist!
Excellent content and presentation, really true, loved the example of the 6 year old party. These fathers are embarrassing and really hold their children back sadly from becoming their own best selves. The children are never seen as individuals with their own unique personhood, just an extension of the narcissist father. It literally carries on in to adulthood, unless the child breaks away.
The father rules the son in adulthood and tells him how to live his life, then drops him when he doesn’t comply, only to come back later, the son who is narcissistic himself, lash’s out on everyone else while the father is gone, then when the father comes back the son becomes regulated again, latches back to father to rule him again. The son in this instance is 50
I remember I was 19 and I just got into stock trading and I turned $300 into $10,000 and I was so proud and I showed it off to him just for him to criticize me and tell me I’m going to lose it all, just makes me never be proud about any of my achievements
I'll have to watch this over and share her again. Thanks for this video. Explains a lot of my suspicions of my dad
My father was jealous and envious of me since I was little. His jealousy referred above all to my mother's love for me, given that he had had a mother who only exploited him and put him in competition with his other siblings. Every opportunity was a good one to speak badly about me to my mother, behind my back obviously. What I blame my mother is that she didn't realize anything until I told her during an argument. She was shocked, she didn't speak for days. My father always put a spoke in my wheels, only criticism never encouragement, and how could he since he saw me as his rival? when he died I didn't feel anything, I only blame myself for having understood it only after he died, if I had understood it before I would have behaved accordingly.
It is uncanny how much of this is accurate of my father... This has left me blaming myself and being blamed for years for a poor relationship to the point I can have nothing to do with him. He is just about to turn 95 and after a life of abusing his nuclear family he is now the consummate and ardent victim. In the process turning extended family against me, meaning once again just ignoring that group. I leave in fear of being like him.
I had to reach out to my grandma to start a relationship with my father at the age of 26. We've gone years not keeping in touch. The weird part is he feels that he contributed to my life experiences.
"Yes, dad. You taught me what NOT to do." :)
My narc father's mask fell once my kids were born. He demanded that I only spend holidays with my "family", my kids have to go to his school of choice, my kids have to take certain middle names. "Blood is thicker than water", "you can choose your friends but not your family." He talks at me, lectures me, monologues ad nauseum. He knows more than me, is upset that I do not go to him for advice anymore. I am 45 years old. Lastly he picked one of my kids as his favourite, as his weapon to get me to feel shame for choosing a different school to his choice. He demanded I reconcile with my narc "Golden Child" brother or I would be financially punished.
Marc Wilson mine says he wont give advice anymore because noone takes it, he feel we just want to blame him when it doesn't work out! I think he means because we try to make our own decisions and dont do as he says...
@@juliaf7068 yip, that sounds about right. Narcs are always the victim, except when they're the heros. My father complained last year to my mother that he's hurt because I don't go to him for advice anymore. I haven't since 2006 because I'm independent. He hates that.
I adored my father as a child and growing up wondered what I'd do if he died. Well the older I got the more I realised I didn't like his behaviour. I've been abandoned twice out of this family. Infact he stops talking to whom ever he has the problem with, and the rest if the family follow.
A good quote from here was
"Better to be on the wrong side than on the wrong side of the abuse."
Oh this is my family...
But to get back in you have to apologise either way. How Messed up is that.
@@juliaf7068 wow! Your relationship with your father sounds like mine. I was on the receiving end of silent treatment for close on 10 years because I did not send my kids to the school of his choosing. He would only sms me if he needed something. My brother is his narc clone. An awful person who everyone just loves. He would not speak to me because I kicked up a fuss when he did not invite my kids to his kid's parties. Then my narc father threatened to financially punish me if I did not make up with my brother. I had to apologise and now I am back in the circle of "trust". However mentally and emotionally I am keeping them at arms length. It's so messed up!!!!
@@marcwilson368 oh totally.
I was annoyed my siblings children grew up close with mine but then mine weren't invited to one of their cousins parties. I was upset for my kids. I went but I paid for mine to do the activity. Then we didn't get invited back for pizza, I'd have Brought mine own if if was the cost being the problem. Then they moved away never saw these "friends" again and family were still family. Yet I was causing causing problem. These days I would just say okay fine sorry kids your not invited to your cousins birthday! But back then I couldn't understand why.
Thanks for yo ur insight .
I have recommended your channel to people that I know
Thank you so much for your kind support 👍
I am 16 and i know as soon as I turn 22 or 23 ,I am gonna move out to a better place and cut all ties with my father, he's extremely narcissistic and believes he's the only one who has a good opinion, mine and anyone else's opinion in the family are treated like trash, my grandmother is also like that, but thank God I got a good mother ❤️ blessing in disguise.
Hey man, I moved to another country when I was 19, but all this trauma and realization hit me when I was 20. What I want to say is that, try to go through this with therapist when you move out. It is really hard by handling it yourself only.
Great video, although also painful to hear the description of all the damage my son has suffered from his narc father. Can you make a video on the role of the mother in a relashionship like this and what she can do to help her son avoid being hurt from the father's behavior?
Oh PLEASE make this video!
Omg my son is suffering so bad right now my son has been diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder. He finished college and it wasn’t good enough he became a master barber played football he always played good ball but not good enough in his father’s eyes. I don’t know what to do. He is 27 yrs old and just self medicated because of his father 😢😞😢
My mom always threw herself between my dad and me or my sisters, when he started hitting out. This made him beat her to within inches of her life, accusing her of spoiling us. Nothing she ever did was good enough.
Even when l spent the lockdown stuck with him, l had so much joy in fixing his garden. One day he yelled blue murder at me, saying l should be sitting in front of a computer, like him, learning stuff.
Nothing you ever do will ever be good enough. Mom and l had always had quality time over a cup of tea and a chat and laugh. That's all l think a mom can do.
I told my mom how much l appreciated how she stood up for us. She died a few years ago.
Having been myself harmed, I've come across "The Minnesota Men's Conference ", and listened to wise men (Robert Bly. John Lee) speaking to group s of men.
It makes me think that a good Men's Group is a good route. Even if you just check it out (on YT), these men are processing woundedness, and seems awesome. I'd recommend Bill Moyer's interview with Robert Bly..it gives a good taste, and although his father was an alcoholic, many of the same wounds (not seen, not validated nor encouraged) seem at play.
Best to you and your son, and it's just fantastic that you're trying to find a way to help them. As Robert will explain, it takes men to make a man, and it generally cannot be the father anyway. Best.
My mother just looked the other way. Sometimes she aided him.
Thank you Darren. This video explains my so called father to the “T” it’s actually scary how accurate you are. I just wanted to say thank you because it really helped me understand what he has and what he is and what I’ve been going through my entire life and also my family. I don’t think he will ever get help, but this really helped me a lot. 🙏🏻✌🏻❤️🙂
My dad had a barn,
not just a barn,
but a barn where he parked his truck.
Yet we lived in the city.
He drove his gravel train doing his work,
yet I'd be damned to find myself wondering about all the tools and parts kept in the barn.
If he'd want me to help him, it was something where he was beating on tires to repair his truck.
The sound was so deafening, that I'd just rather go away than to be there. Which I did.
Then he would wonder why I didn't want to help him,
but everything my sister did to help my dad was just fine.
Almost everything I did to help, was I wasn't doing it right.
I was almost grateful not to be out there with him,
and I didn't understand why my younger sister helped him so better than me.
Doesn't teach, instruct, or encourage. Exactly right. He accomplished his mission with all of his children except me. Regardless what he said, I stayed focused. I am reaping the benefits now😊
I appreciate you so very much. I never quite knew what it meant when certain people said narcissistic father but now I do and I see very clearly that that is what I must deal with for the rest of time
You described my ex using my son to punish me. And the alineación is so sad . Breaks my heart to see my son growing up in this toxic environment. His dad is a judge and lie to win custody
You've described my husband's dad. They are the nearest family to us but never helped when we needed it. Then my husband then jumps when he calls. I never understood but now I see.
My biological father is just like this. It took me long time to realize. I was conditioned since birth by religion that we must blindly and completely surrender to Parents and this is what the guilt that ate me away and never allowed me to separate. I believed if I’m bad to parents god would punish me and my life would be cursed. But I did my research and realized that this wasn’t the truth yet alone rational. My mother brother and sisters are all blinded and sunk into his trap. I hope I hope can finally heal one day. Thanks for the video
I’m having trouble finding a description of a narcissist that fits my dad. He is a doctor, very old now and unable to retire because he’s been horrible with finances his whole life, and supposedly Catholic. He raised us all to think he was well nigh God in terms of his knowledge and wisdom. We always were so proud of him that he was a surgeon and always told people he was. I never felt that he listened to me growing up, but rather that he would tell me what to think or feel. But again, he was a highly educated, religious man who supposedly has an IQ of 168 (at this point most likely a lie). Today, I feel so invalidated, confused, insecure and inside out that I have to believe he was evil in the most sick, twisted way. But he never had these rage fits that people speak of nor was he necessarily physically abusive. There are indications that he fits more the description of a psychopath than a narcissist, because he is able to demean himself enough to act respectable. I think he might just be a genuinely horrible monster, but then again there may be a more common, relatable explanation for this.
it's like everything I like or show interest in my dad has to hate and mock me for I don't understand it.
My father used to scream I demand your respect. This video is amazing. Thank you Darren.
OMG you have just in every single way, identified every Single little thing about My NARCISSISTIC Father, - - Thank-you for definitely doing and Showing this Fantastic Video.
Sincerely:: yours M
Michael I’m very hopeful that you have a mother who loves you unconditionally. If you do, PLEASE let her know that you value & appreciate her, regardless. As the mother of an only child married to a narcissist, understand I’ve been through a lot regardless of a divorce that never made him go away haha. Sure, my son & ex have always known my son comes first to me & has since he was born 46 years ago! After my son grew up & moved out, I did too. Let him keep the house & started over in a one br apartment. Eventually bought the house next door to my son & his family bc I love them all, and wanted to be close as baby sitter to my grandson 14 years ago. We’re a close family & all love each other. Yet, my ex visits my house daily. 🤦♀️ He’s still cruel to our son with his son. I’m sure he’s always been jealous of him, so it’s possible your dad is too. That sure doesn’t take away from the value of you sons. These men have destroyed their own value by not showing love to their own sons. I just wanted to share a mother’s point of view with you. I’m 60 years of age now, so my ex is no longer preventing me dating. I gave that idea up several years ago. Very grateful for my peaceful home, minus the visits. The reason I don’t ban him is that he is the father of my son next door, who he rarely visits fortunately. The old man is physically harmless, so I let it go. It’s a complicated situation, but my son knows I’m always in his corner; always. His dad has nowhere else to go at this point in our lives and I have never been cruel. I’m just sorry your Mom & I didn’t choose more wisely in our youth, but as I told my son, we would not have our same wonderful sons without those guys! My son learned from him how not to be, so has a great relationship with his teenage son! I’m very proud of him, so hopefully you have learned from your dad how not to be, and are able to appreciate your mother, providing she has always been there for you. I’m hopeful on that. GBU :)
It was the opposite of my father: he wasn't successful in the truest sense, but a failure, so he wanted his sons to be failures as well.
This is so sad to listen to, but I needed to hear it.
You have just described my son’s father, and our poor boy protects him, lies to police, child protection, and lies for his father. But, he is starting to realize what he has lived through and he’s getting more and more angry and acting out dangerously. I wish the courts were better educated/equip to put a stop to these situations. This is without doubt child abuse and we need change now. Thank you for speaking on this and bringing understanding to what so many of us around the world are experiencing. Thank you.
Right on! You hit the nail on the head with this video !!
I had a go with a particular Dad at an under 7 soccer tournament. He was so horrible to his son yet he also wanted the team to revolve around his son so he would shout at all the other 7 year old boys for not passing the ball to his son. Now I know.
I cut back on contact to about twice a year about 10 years ago, then just simply had to go 'no contact' about the end of 2017. I really had no choice as it was the only way to live my own life. And it was FAR from over- all the flying monkeys, all the shaming, language and threats, I literally had to scream at my mother's and sisters, send some NASTY emails, and send him several nasty emails as well telling him, "I'll fly up there, knock you down and stick your arrogant yap in the mud." I am not joking. I had to BREAK the spell with my codependent mother as well, literally scream for her to get it. I told her I'd move to a remote city in China and disconnect. My little sister did not get it, and she still has some serious dysfunction at 51 years old. As the Lost Child she got it almost just as bad as I did, she was really hurt in that Narc Cult.
Spot on. As if talking about my father word for word.
damn you described my entire relationship with my dad from my childhood. he passed away at 76 on 2012.
If only I’d known what a narcissist was before I married and had children. 😢
yikes. stay strong. we luv ya
Luv, stay strong.
Go with the following rules of thumb:
1 - You or no one can or will make them happy;
2 - They don't love you and never did;
3 - They will not change, if they so - it's an act or temporary;
4 - Every criticism or kind words are not true, it's just tactics (if they criticize, do not believe their words, and if they compliment, do not believe their words). Never waist time arguing.
5 - There is only one type of love, and it's the love towards your own Self. All else is false, it's just a negotiation / calculated exchange.
6 - Silent treatment is the best treatment.
@@kamalvipul9213 2 was so hard to get over man. i remember i was like in elementary school realizing this, crying my eyes out. I now also realize I was just grieving. you just brought up a long lost memory and i thank you for that. we all need to remember that self love is the most important love above all else and it should always come first, that is the thing i've been struggling to hold onto lately.
I like hearing different perspectives on this topic. Thanks for making this video, I deeply appreciate it
My Father has signs of both covert and overt. He was never happy with my achievements and he tend to badmouth me to other people to make himself look good or better. He never acknowledged and recognized every food thing I did for him and the family. He is so arrogant, don't want to accept constructive criticisms. He was always right and he always thought he is the right and the best person I. the world. This has triggered my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder but despite being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I tried every step to I can to reach my dreams where he never was supportive. He keeps telling me and other people I can't make it. He used to invalidate every little thing about me. He is an irresponsiblealcoholic Father. He never sustained the family needs. I studied away from home and never listened to him. Now I am a registered nurse and a clinical instructor.
My dad did that and unfortunately for him his sons turned out so different.. great family men.. thank you Lord Jesus Christ ❤
Wow this is the closest explanation to my relationship with my father i have heard, 37 and still trying to get over it haha
39 an it still effects me
The car buying example hit close to home. In my early twenties I had owned a trio of cars which were selected and bought for me by my father. Then when he decided to use my car as a trade on a fancy Beemer for himself, I was left without wheels. So I looked around and decided to go look at a sporty little RX7, with the intent of buying with my own cash this time. My father refused to go look at the car with me because he didn’t approve of it. I ended up taking my uncle (my fathers brother) to check it out with me and I ended up buying it.
At 31, I decided to let go of my father, better late than never.
You are so spot on. Your knowledge is very validating, thank you.
spot on man! This man is speaking the truth!
I cut my dad out of my life fifteen years ago. Though there was a period about a year into the beginning of that where he kept trying to get me to reinclude him, it's safe to say the second third of my life (give or take) has been way better than the first so far.
He saw me as a playmate to build from the ground up, and didn't like having that called out later on.
I knew he had this condition as I always sensed that he was undermining and belittling my accomplishments. He is a loser and alcoholic but somehow he got lucky and made it in life, earning more than someone with a college degree and he dropped out. All my life they have always been fighting mainly due to his alcoholism and my mother's tendency to nag about anything, she would also provoked him as well. She is also a narcissist and used to spend his money. Their narcissism and mental abuse destroyed me physically and developmentally that I entered the adult world a depressed and weak young adult. This is the time now that he now wanted to make me homeless and destroy me. My parents literally physically weakened me that I am ill now. Now that I am an adult, it made me realized that I felt into their narcissistic trap for me to internalize what they wish me to become, a sick person. He also feared that I would be stronger than him and this is why my parents always tried to undermine my physical growth.
Like all sons, I looked up to my dad, but, as I grew up, my perspective changed, and by the end of his life, didn't want to be around him.
I would love to see a video on narcissistic mother-son (golden child) relationships.
You just described my father to a tee.
I have a father and I am a father. Well, finding a good balance from both sides is challanging ...
My father is always the right one he never See's himself to commit mistakes, likes yelling and is very very verbally abusive especially to me and my younger brother,. every little mistake you make he shouts and insults you , he has made himself in a way that, when I need something i can't tell him cause he's going to act aggressive, so because of this I always go to my mom when I need something or something is bothering me. So I always pray to God that I don't turn out to be like him and I will never treat my future sons they way he treats me and my younger brother.
I'm the daughter betweet two sons of a clearly narcissistically oriented man and an eternally immature, pleasing mother. I'm the only one who did therapy, I stayed 9 years in therapy for cptsd and a few other diagnoses. My brothers laugh at me for therapy, but it's fine, I know they have their deffenses up for a reason. What I see/saw in my brothers is they both struggled very much to grow. To become men. We have both "big" parents in height and I for example am bigger than our mother, but the men, my brothers, stayed "small". One got into puberty at 15, the other at 17, and only because I was already an adult and took the little one to an endocrinologist who gave him testosterone shots to start puberty. They both married very dominant women, the wife of my little brother has been diagnosed with a personality disorder prior to their relationship. In marriage they seem to act pleasingly for quite some time and then they burst. They often dissociate, but don't realise it, I notice it because you can talk to them during the episodes, but they don't react, they aren't there. But both are very sweet fathers and love their babies. I love my nephew and two nieces too and I love my brothers.
My stepfather was always do as I say not as I do. I was expected to be little man not a child. He was a hypocrite and I'm well rid of him for over a decade, couldn't be happier about it. 🙈🙉🙊
You speak for me and my children. I wish you had an office near me? Most therapists do not under narcissistic abuse. So when you talk about it they tend to think it’s you or your over exaggerating.
I’m 37 and this still happens.
In pain and distress, yes.
I broke my wrist when I was in 5th grade. The way that it was broken meant that the doctor would have to align the bones it would be problematic later after it healed. So, without sedating me, he took my between both hands and pressed. Of course, you know my response?
My father said later that I know better yelling like that?
My exact reply was, "he wasn't doing to you what he was doing to me?!"🤨
I got silence.
Spot on! I never felt anything genuine from my dad. He always needs to be right🚩, he’s never wrong🚩, he’s always teaching and preaching about how I should live my life but when someone corrects him, he deflects🚩and he likes to play mind games🚩 I see him as a narcissist for sure🙌🏽
"The father will treat him like a nuisance"- yes.
When I was 7 or 8, I remember asking my father for a quarter to buy some candy. What kid doesn't do that?
His response was always, "Where do you all think that I get money from?!"
He would give it to me, but eventually I stopped asking, because I didn't want to hear that and, as you put it, feel like a nuisance.
However, even as a kid, if I verbalized my unspoken response to him, it would have been,
"You're the father, not me?!" 🤨
The son is a reflection of the father. I understand why always tried to discourage me, shoot down my accomplishments, and gave me particular kook on one occasion: I wasn't reflecting him.
During their divorce my mother told me she thought my father was jealous of me
Very helpful and well presented. Thank you.
This describes the relationship between my dad and brother. It was a source of so much trauma for the entire family.
The best video on this topic.. excellent. Thanks
Am glad am a single mother raising my son . Its better that way because as an empathic mother and my ex had so many expectations on our son but he was never available but emotional unavailable and never takes him out to the park or play with him but will stand there giving instructions but does nothing to bond with his son.
Thank you very much for sharing info on such an important and sensitive topic.
I am male ,age 39 yrs. My relationship with my dad has been very difficult... I even find it difficult to explain.
Can you please guide me, where I can seek proper help??
Maybe consider contacting a counsellor in your area to help you
This is on the money sir! Thanks i needed this
Really informative and well said
My Father doesn't like Me... He's constantly arrogant towards Me,puts Me down and is a very mean,cold person. He is DEFINITELY a narcissist.
I really love my dad. I am trying to help him understand how he can be a way better person than he was taught to become. I don't know if he think i may hate him or something? but i really don't. I just know he picked up how he behaved and treated me because it was done thru his stepfather who never tried to be a great father figure. I never meant to drag him into the ground by telling my story to people. I talked so much about it because i wanted to help others understand we can always become better if we really try very hard or even learn so much thru self help and psychology.
My mother told my father that a hob on the electric range needed to be fixed. He said he’d get to it. A couple of weekends goes by. She takes a look, sees the corroded wire, got a screwdriver and fixed it her self. When he came home she told him she had fixed it. He took a look and declared she didn’t do it. He declared someone come fix it for her
All my dad does is talk about himself. He talks nonstop and I feel trapped when he gets going.
I’m grateful that he has helped me with money but he just controls our family with it.
Has never taught me anything just is good at criticizing me. I haven’t been the best son either. It’s just not a good relationship.
You just described my dad that's why I haven't had much to do with him since the age of twenty
Same
@@naserdeen8210same