Men need to have more self respect. Losing half of everything is well worth it to get her out of your life and providing a positive example for your children.
He probably knows this woman is the best he can do right now because parts of his life are not up. Some men would rather be in a relationship like this than single for a period of time. They blow my mind.
God damn, y’all are so brutal to a man thats just trying to keep his family together for the sake of his kids. If the roles were reversed everyone would be much more empathetic. The guy has had his life ruined and y’all speak to him like it’s his fault. And then wonder why men never talk about their abuse.
It is the behavior of a narcissist - which is someone who at their core is deeply insecure and lacking in self-respect, through which all their audacious behavior is a desperate grab for the right kind of attention. Every woman wants most a man that will kill for her honor (because she should honor him the same to the same depth) This man won't get riled up to defend his woman, because she is also not worth it. An inescapable truth, and a toxic dynamic for sure.
@@ravelfish6018the female covert. Undetected and unaccountable, unrecognizable in society because women don’t hold each other responsible. Only man bad
Honestly it’s pretty unattractive if a dude doesn’t stand up for himself. I don’t want to be able to walk all over him. How do you respect someone that doesn’t even respect themselves…?
@@taylor15589true that goes for anything in life though. That’s how resentment starts is when you want to say no but are afraid because people pleasing. The best thing to do in all parts of life is being able to put up boundaries.
@@ravelfish6018 It’s not narcissism, it’s in the nature of women to punish weak men. He has no respect for himself, so why should she. She will punish him until he grows a pair.
Women don't do anything without a reason. I don't agree with Dr. John and her husband that she had the affair BEFORE he started the porn addiction. I think they BOTH have problems...either they BOTH go to therapy to work on their marriage or they agree to get a divorce.
@@bettywith2girls I mean the therapy might have helped the decade ago, or even in 2020. At this point though they're just remaining in an empty marriage because the unknown is too scary.
This what I say all the time.. The women who cheats, and mistreats their husbands. They always get treated the best, they get the love they don’t want. And then the woman so is loyal to a fault, get mistreated by her husband/partner. This world is so evil and fucked up. He needs to divorce her expeditiously.
No, spineless people get mistreated if they don't stand up for themselves and set hard boundaries. There will always be predators and they always gravitate towards these people.
@@supercal333No. That's not how it works and that's victim blaming which is never okay. The truth is that many of these people go out of their way to manipulate someone who is otherwise strong, by going completely around their logic, and trapping them with emotions. You can be an otherwise strong-willed individual, and still become more and more susceptible to a certain person over time, which is exactly what's happened here. Mistreating someone is never okay and we should be putting the blame on the person doing the mistreating. Not anyone else. And setting boundaries is a lot easier said than done in some cases. The truth is that if someone really wants to push your boundaries, they will, and it doesn't matter how well you try and set them. As mentioned in the video, he did lock her out of the account and she moved the funds anyway. He tried setting his boundaries and she was determined to break them down. I've been in several toxic situations where I've tried to set boundaries with these people before and they do not listen. And if you try to force distance, to regain control of your life, they will throw tantrums and go out of their way to make it harder for you, because that's just who they are.
I wonder how many years he was in the bathroom looking at porn on his phone instead of going to bed with his wife and taking her on dates instead of other women before she started cheating. Cheating is always wrong. Like, nothing my partner could do to me is worth cheating bc I’d be cheating myself-it goes against my values and I’d lose respect for myself. I just wonder what actually went on here.
@@itchysheets1222I had a friend who I had to block cause he was super toxic. He would cheat on his gf at massage parlours and would message girls on dating apps, watch a lot of corn. They been together for 15 years and they’ve finally broken up. I think he broke her cause she was suffering with depression for a few years and couldn’t get rid of him they were very codependent. He can be very toxic and has bipolar disorder and when it’s bad it’s really bad. She has since moved back in with her mom quit her job and stays home playing video games all day.. while talking to some guy from Switzerland who she’s planning to meet. He saids he still sends her money and buys her food cause he feels responsible for her downfall.
This guy needs to respect himself so he can feel like a man again. As a woman, I can confidently say that his wife left him 5 years ago. The only reason she's staying is for her financial security.
His wife left after he was cheating with women online, lusting after them, worshipping them, wanking off to them and giving them MONEY TOO! HE CHEATED FIRST, "addiction" BALONI. He was totally disrespectful and he knows it that is why he is still hanging around and now he wants to be right. His wife just rebelled and is giving him a big middle finger. He knows what he did.
The homes that never have conflict, subconsciously teach kids that it’s the kiss of death. It sets up a dangerous naivety. So important to see arguments that end with no hard feelings, and regularly. That’s real life, and sustaining any relationship worth having.
@@Susanne-323-So true : I say so because I used to try to avoid conflict all the time and I also used burst in raging anger often. So now I address issues immediately or almost immediately.
@@plousiamaybe I missed something, but I thought he did deal with his issue? He said he went to counseling about his addiction and she refused to for having an affair and other addiction issues. Please correct me if I am wrong about this.
@@yambagnelson9987 Exactly!!! I read somewhere that it’s primarily a BENEFIT for MEN to get married (it’s not like we didn’t know that but now it’s in printed form, lol). If he leaves her, he’s got to pay child support (if they have a child) & alimony. That’s why he’s ultimately staying in this RAGGEDY situation 🤦🏽♀️
As a former child of a dysfunctional family, you are not doing your kids a favor by showing them this is what relationships should be. Plus kids need stability and obviously you need to be that stability.
I actually think a lot of these calls are “easy” because by the time people call they know what they have to do but don’t want to do it (which is understandable)
No it just sounds like he is desperately trying to keep this image of a family that he has in his head from falling apart. He cares but he’s overlooking it because if he truly acknowledges it, the close family will be gone
@@ec-kj4ypI had an ex like this. Exactly like this. There will be no coparenting. Once he stops supporting her she will get even meaner. She's going to take his kids and wrap him up with abuse allegations. It's a text book tactic. When I split with my ex, a few men tried to warn me but most people said it's not like that. It is like that. He is going to lose everything no matter what he does because that's just who his ex is.
And this is what keeps me in a marriage like this. My step kids could be completely cut off from me. My BPD wife's crazy making behavior is infuriating. But at least they are in a stable environment because I do everything possible to keep it that way. Once I'm gone it will just be an endless line of random men. And I don't want them around my girls.
Dr J makes an amazing point. The kids are learning what "love" and "marriage" are. They are also very sensitive and probably realize there's something wrong. I spoke to a man whose mother invited men over when his dad was out of town. This man has a strained relationship with his own dad because of that trauma. His dad didn't leave and his mother didn't change. So sad.
For us unmarried people looking for potential life partners, we see this just too often. It's like that's their reality of what a partnership looks like, and we want nothing to do with it. I was with an awesome guy to me but, his abused mother's life, and his child whom some lady said he was the father, and his friends thought it was fun to get him drunk and then abandon him outside in the middle of winter, was not the type of guy I will not allow permanently into my world/life and be responsible for. People said I could change him. The man I want to partner with will love himself more and will have already set those boundaries and made those changes for himself.
Because the biological parentage is clearly none of his concerns right now. He raised these children and for all intends and purposes, they are his children.
@johnnyappleman7159 are you a parent? Imagine raising kids tour whole life, loving them, caring and providing for them and one day finding out they are not yours. If you immediately think those are not your kids then your messed up
Trust me as someone who grew up with an emotionally manipulative mother that is not her goal here. Everything from the overreaction to the porn, to the overspending, and the gaslighting about him being controlling was an attempt to keep him submissive. It has worked too. I mean a 5 year affair and this guy is calling in asking what clear boundaries he should set…John won’t tell you, but as someone who grew up with an abusive mother and a weak father, plan your exit well and GO.
Here’s the thing. Once he wakes up, walks away, his life goes in an upward trajectory. Her life with consist of man after man, never being happy, never being satisfied, and in return she hurts her own children.
@@Dansyoungoh I had an ex just like this. His world is headed for chaos for quite some time before it gets better. Look at her behaviour while he's treating her well. She is already trying to ruin him. Once he walks out the gloves will come off and she will actually be horrible. If it's bad now it's going to get a whole lot worse after he leaves
I'm a wife...I would NEVER cheat on my husband. EVER. If she did this for 5 years she is not wife material. Nope. You have the right to divorce this woman in God's eyes.
@@thayungprince2What’s the alternative? You can get money back but not time. He has enough evidence of her being a potentially irresponsible parent so who is to say she gets full custody? She has no job, no income, no home, evidence of cheating and potential substance abuse… so you really think the courts will side with her? That’s not logical. I think he will be okay but he has to kick her out first and get the process going. Wish him the best
Porn isnt an unhealthy addiction. He’s not getting sex from her and didn’t want to cheat physically so I don’t blame him. The only time I see porn being concerning is when it’s child porn, rape etc.
@@LeonardHollinsJr Exactly, except I don’t think he has realized it yet. This would only be an issue if you were choosing it over your wife, but she checked out a long time ago.
@@Dansyoungporn addiction is choosing porn over your wife. Basically saying to her, " I don't find you attractive unless you wear/do something to get me off"
Boundaries are not about forcing the other person to change or do anything. Its about saying what you will and will not tolerate. If youre crystal clear about what you need and they choose not to do it - you remove them from your life. When people show you who they are, believe them.
To me he needs to divorce this woman. 4 years having an affair and recent. Does no want to try therapy. More affair. I think nothing else to read. She clearly is a bad apple. Spends family money, clearly does not respect him, addicted to social media, substance abuse, her overworking was her cheating....he needs to consult a good divorce lawyer, gather all info on the affair and sexual abuse, of her overspending ...ahave her leave the house. I really think you shouldn't bother mending anything with her.
I want to hear the other side of the story so bad! He had porno addictions at the beginning of their marridge. If that woman is a whole an Ah like he say, then he wouldn't be wanting to save his marridge so bad. Something is totally unclear here!
I was in a 5year relationship with an alcoholic and had a hard time getting out of it. It took such a toll on my mental and physical health. He was verbally abusive and gaslighted me a lot. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush apparently and was like a drug addict. It took me years after breaking up with him to get my nervous system and physical health back.
Depending on what your house feels like to your kids, they may be happy about this. Explaining that specific things they saw or experienced weren't healthy and "we are going to have a healthy home because that's what kids need and deserve" can help them to understand and even appreciate what you're doing. I had to explain this to a 3 and 4 year old and they got it. I explained that you shouldn't feel afraid to go home. You should feel calm and relaxed in your home. There shouldn't be yelling in your home. This is the cool, new place we're creating together. They got it.
Dude what the hell. This woman is insane. I have no idea why do you still want to save this... I can't say marriage. But get together and leave her. Wish you all the success
Adding a term of endearment at the end doesn't make this any kinder. This is someone genuinely being traumatized or otherwise adversely impacted by cheating and all the complications her abusive actions have caused. I don't intend to be unduly critical, or harsh, but if you're emasculating him, this isn't particularly helpful the way you were going for.
@@mirabella2154 It's a public forum, and you clearly just want to dunk on someone calling for and meeting your arbitrary standards of masculinity. I was attempting to be constructive. I guess you enjoy your confirmation bias more than understanding how to appropriately respond to people in distress.
@@candace3493I don’t think a little tough love is going to hurt this guy. He’s tougher than you’re giving him credit for if he’s endured this much that’s for sure. Dr. John is being tough on him too. It’s the truth, he needs to just make a decision and leave. It’s pretty simple
Daniel … you are being controlled. She gaslights you, takes advantage of your non-confrontational manner, spends recklessly. She has left you a long time back and I’d say she never loved you in the first place. The children are now your priority. Best of luck.
My ex husband told me, “I don’t want to be married, but I don’t want a divorce. Keep it a secret.” My first thought was, what would this teach my daughters if I agreed to this. Children absorb everything! Be a model of strength.
I think some people's families or cultural backgrounds put too much shame into divorce and it leaves people to staying in situations like this absurdly long. 😳
I was the kid that grew up in that household. My dad always talked about leaving, but never did. He always thought he could fix the situation. Trying to deny it only leads to further chaos. Not only was one parent absent, but the other became consumed by complete resentment and rage. Everything becomes the children's fault. I'm just now learning to love myself as an adult and recover from the damage done. We might not be able to control what has happened in our past, but we can choose to do better now for us and our future family's to come. Much love and prayers.
@katemiller7874 Good question, mainly I internalized it. But there were a lot of times I was blamed for things I had no control over. I was mistreated by a family member with undiagnosed NPD. Around 13, I ended up with body dysmorphia, which lead to a severe ED. It took me until I was 21 to start working towards being fit instead of sick. I have God to thank. I finally had the strength to pray for his healing. Only then did he remove the dark fog that clouded my self perception. My boyfriend also greatly helped me to learn that I was worth loving and finally gave me hope. I could not have done it alone. Life has many seasons, struggles will not last forever. There are better days ahead for us all. ❤️
I had an ex like this woman. Your father may have done nothing but he may have also protected you. When abusive people learn the relationship is actually over they become more abusive, and when the non abusive parent is gone there is only the kids there to take the anger. Seen it and it's very sad. Especially when the father is the non abusive parent there is very little support and the courts try to stay out of it
He obviously loves this woman and sounds like a great guy. She is using him to the fullest and he is too nice to do anything about it. Some people keep trying and hoping for a miracle.
Personally I would feel like my spouse trying to continue an affair with someone who wants nothing to do with them is somehow worse than the affair carrying on.
My brother did this "porn" I am a man crap, until my sister in law started doing it too but worse. Looking at men strip, emailing penises, lusting after men, saying how hot they are, and generally just talking about them ALL THE TIME. Guess what? My brother got over his "addiction" PRETTY DAMN FAST, because it wasn't an addiction it was DISRESPECT! As for his guy on the phone his wife isn't going to listen anymore to him because HE HURT HER TOO MUCH. HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS what he did, that is why he is still around, crying BOO HOO to Doc John.
Were was this man all my life... I came across all his video I can't seem to stop... I love all topics not for gossip but so related to many of our lifes
Neither of these two had ANY business getting married. This guy needs to end this marriage, move on with his life, and work on himself - before getting involved with any other woman.
@@justwantedsomejam7269really?.you think a man being addicted to porn is not doing anything wrong. He is depraved and corrupt, with no idea how to connect emotionally or build intimacy. Plus there is nothing to respect in such a weakling. Which then is very clearly obvious when he stays with a cheater. Only weakling watch porn! Stay single of you use the images ....
When I decided to separate from my now ex husband, he used to say he wouldn’t rest until he destroyed my life (which he did). The funny part was after a few months I left he told me he still loved me and wanted to try to fix things again and work on our marriage.
He didn't talk much about them though and suggests loosing them once the parents separate because he won't step up as a role of a single dad. Many fathers even completely lose contact to their children after separation. He never once took them into account. He sounds like such a dead beat dad already.
Right and I don't think family equals his wife right now. Still if he has the paperwork to legally separate from her pending the divorce. He can have his financial account completely separate he can keep the kids until court ordered parenting plan is in place. He can demand up to 50-50 custody if she also wants custody. Too often guys let the women take the children and then once they get to the court hearings they lose out because they didn't proactively have custody of their children. I feel like two he's scared that if they are not biologically his kids he might lose them completely.
He kept referring to his family and that seems like attachment to his kids. Lots of people minimize a man’s attachment to their children. He could ask her to leave and her be the one to visit the kids.
Don't wait for her to make the decision to end it, she won't. You have to take control of your life and know you are worth more than having a trash wife!
Right, once I heard that she hadn't worked in several years... She has no motivation she's getting what she wants plus she has somebody else to pay her bills.
There are plenty of other women who would value a good man. Don’t settle for less. I have a feeling she’s trying get him to self harm with all she’s putting him through. Walk away and try to get custody of your kiddos.
Not addressing it gives him the fantasy that his family is intact and just fine. He can still function in that role. Without this role, which he didn’t feel mature enough to manage (hence the porn) he feels lost himself. Doesn’t know who he is. Without this role. I bet?
He won't step up for his kids after separation either. Poor kids. He should learn how to stir the weel of his own life for himself as an individual and as a father a role he doesn't seem too great in from the sounds of it
Let me get this straight… Your wife had a FIVE year affair, but she was upset about you watching porn. She basically was in a relationship with another man. You should have walked away once her affair was uncovered.
I agree. You can’t carry on after someone cheats especially for years. It will always bother you all the time you’ll never trust them ever again and they have no respect for you at all. Cheaters are disgusting people
There is a difference between watching porn and a porn addiction. A porn addiction means you are addicted to only specific types of sex, and it's dulling your senses to reality i.e, it's unappealing to her and he's likely not got an erection. Or developed erectile dysfunction from it. That's a relationship killer. You acting like he watched pornhub a couple of times and she "got upset"
@@philwill0123 I would venture to say his loyal and loving wife gaslighted him into thinking he had a “porn addiction.” To cover the fact she was in the mist of a FIVE YEAR affair. She sounds like quite the sociopath catch.
@@philwill0123yep. He also said he was talking to other women online, which is essentially cheating but not physically. A porn addiction isn't the same as watching porn every now and then. It literally changes your brain
He ripped the crap out of her dignity and respect when he had sex with women online. It's not an "addiction" oh poor baby! It's CHEATING, CHEATING, CHEATING. Hope your wife give you a serious dose of what he has done to his wife John so you know what it feels like because you got this WRONG and are STOMPING on her AGAIN.
Can't help but be impressed with his decision on improving himself. Addictions are not easy to overcome no matter what they are because there is an underlying reason for them. I hope he gets the rest of the way through this regarding his wife's actions and what he should do because of it.
You were addicted to pornography and had emotional affairs with multiple women online, but she's the only one making bad decisions to ruin your relationship. ok.
These people have no hope in their relationship. Move on and get away from eachother neither of you want to be there you just say you do and are afraid of change l. She has no respect for you she had an affair for years
Y'all, don't give this guy a hard time for staying w someone who had a 5-year affair. Everyone has their stuff that they get stuck on. He reached his breaking point and called for help when he'd had enough. He deserves congratulations.
Bad behaviour is not acceptable. Affairs are not acceptable. Remember vows. Do not take them lightly. But also know abuse is not acceptable in any way shape or form. Walk away. Head held high. This sounds toxic. Do not make excuses for her. Temu one million things 😅 Dr. John you crack me up!!
He needs to get a paternity test on the kids. Quite likely they are not his. And she is purposely hurting him to get him to leave so she doesn’t have to be the one to pull the trigger. This guy is trying to get out of doing what he NEEDS to do, which is to STOP the abuse of him and consequently the kids.
Listening to this show has made it so clear to me why 50% of marriages end in divorce. And why some of the 50% that stay married are miserable. As a culture/country we need to start talking about the realities of marriage and how to build and maintain healthy loving relationships because some of these married people are clueless and raising kids in these unhealthy situations. It's sad.
We are absolutely missing a ton of details here. When a story is spun so that one person is a saint who is being trampled on by some comic book super villain, it’s just not real life.
Dude, both of you need to move on. This ain't gonna work.
She's the issue
@@John-c3z2pYup except fault doesn’t matter. BUT he can also be the solution by walking away and not looking back.
@@Dansyoungagreed he's afraid of failing at marriage, but he doesn't have a partner and marriage is a two person lift.
@@cappehnkrunch His marriage failed a long time ago, and that’s fine - it’s just time to accept it and move on.
@@Dansyoung agreed, hopefully he finds the courage for his and their children's sake
Dude you need to leave, I’m sorry bro. She’s gone.
@tcarp1616 - This wasn't a _has been_ - it was a _never was_ !
@@michaelallen1154Exactly!!
This guy is a lost cause.
5 year affair and you kept her in your life? Damn man. Catch and release immediately
Men need to have more self respect. Losing half of everything is well worth it to get her out of your life and providing a positive example for your children.
@canadiankid42 He had a porn addiction and she had an affair. Seems like both were to blame.
@@LisaFerguson-lw8ilshe busted it wide open for another man. That's rough.
@@LisaFerguson-lw8ilthere’s a difference between internet interest and physical relation with another person, two wrongs can hold different values
@@LisaFerguson-lw8ilnahh a man looking at porn never compares with a woman being a whore and stepping out.
why are u in this marriage Daniel?
5 year affair
financial affair
mental abuse, gaslighting
are u waiting for physical abuse or what?
He probably knows this woman is the best he can do right now because parts of his life are not up. Some men would rather be in a relationship like this than single for a period of time. They blow my mind.
@@onemoretime734Women as well. Codependency. I'm like that.
God damn, y’all are so brutal to a man thats just trying to keep his family together for the sake of his kids. If the roles were reversed everyone would be much more empathetic. The guy has had his life ruined and y’all speak to him like it’s his fault. And then wonder why men never talk about their abuse.
@@alexandergomez3574 just because you stayed with your girlfriend after cheating and became a cuck doesn’t mean that’s what others should do.
Absolutely true! Women get away with murder and I am a woman. Have some empathy y'all!@@alexandergomez3574
"Your marriage is over"
Me- I don't think it ever was a marriage
This.. What marriage..
Exactly.
No, this is not a marriage!😢😢😢
Literally he’s been a legal sugar daddy for 5 years.
She has zero respect for him and she is punishing him for not standing up for himself.
It is the behavior of a narcissist - which is someone who at their core is deeply insecure and lacking in self-respect, through which all their audacious behavior is a desperate grab for the right kind of attention. Every woman wants most a man that will kill for her honor (because she should honor him the same to the same depth)
This man won't get riled up to defend his woman, because she is also not worth it. An inescapable truth, and a toxic dynamic for sure.
@@ravelfish6018the female covert. Undetected and unaccountable, unrecognizable in society because women don’t hold each other responsible. Only man bad
Honestly it’s pretty unattractive if a dude doesn’t stand up for himself. I don’t want to be able to walk all over him. How do you respect someone that doesn’t even respect themselves…?
@@taylor15589true that goes for anything in life though. That’s how resentment starts is when you want to say no but are afraid because people pleasing. The best thing to do in all parts of life is being able to put up boundaries.
@@ravelfish6018
It’s not narcissism, it’s in the nature of women to punish weak men. He has no respect for himself, so why should she. She will punish him until he grows a pair.
Having a 5yr affair speaks volumes about how she feels about her husband
Yup and how little he thinks of himself to stay in this mess!
Women don't do anything without a reason. I don't agree with Dr. John and her husband that she had the affair BEFORE he started the porn addiction. I think they BOTH have problems...either they BOTH go to therapy to work on their marriage or they agree to get a divorce.
You're right. Women like this have affairs for the very reason of them being selfish and unloving of their husband!
@@bettywith2girls I mean the therapy might have helped the decade ago, or even in 2020. At this point though they're just remaining in an empty marriage because the unknown is too scary.
@bettywith2girls oh ok so women are perfect angels until men give them a reason to be cheating devils? 😂
You make the decision. You take the power of your life!
It's better to be from a broken family than to live in a broken family.
100%
She's had an affair for 5 years that she's still pursuing and is stealing your family's money. She doesn't respect you or your family.
He has NO respect for himself, why would she?
The kids probably aren't even his maybe that's why she doesn't care
She is a mini-series with 2 husbands on Lifetime or Netflix.
@@barryc9115 He's a doormat
This what I say all the time.. The women who cheats, and mistreats their husbands. They always get treated the best, they get the love they don’t want. And then the woman so is loyal to a fault, get mistreated by her husband/partner. This world is so evil and fucked up. He needs to divorce her expeditiously.
It’s because no one wants someone who’s emotionally dependent on them
Girl this is why I would never ever be a down chick!! They don’t love the cool down chick!!
@@plywood7894 so that’s what loyalty means to you?
No, spineless people get mistreated if they don't stand up for themselves and set hard boundaries. There will always be predators and they always gravitate towards these people.
@@supercal333No. That's not how it works and that's victim blaming which is never okay.
The truth is that many of these people go out of their way to manipulate someone who is otherwise strong, by going completely around their logic, and trapping them with emotions.
You can be an otherwise strong-willed individual, and still become more and more susceptible to a certain person over time, which is exactly what's happened here.
Mistreating someone is never okay and we should be putting the blame on the person doing the mistreating. Not anyone else.
And setting boundaries is a lot easier said than done in some cases.
The truth is that if someone really wants to push your boundaries, they will, and it doesn't matter how well you try and set them.
As mentioned in the video, he did lock her out of the account and she moved the funds anyway.
He tried setting his boundaries and she was determined to break them down.
I've been in several toxic situations where I've tried to set boundaries with these people before and they do not listen.
And if you try to force distance, to regain control of your life, they will throw tantrums and go out of their way to make it harder for you, because that's just who they are.
cheating, substance abuse and reckless spending... my lord, I wouldn't wish this woman on my worst enemy
I wonder how many years he was in the bathroom looking at porn on his phone instead of going to bed with his wife and taking her on dates instead of other women before she started cheating. Cheating is always wrong. Like, nothing my partner could do to me is worth cheating bc I’d be cheating myself-it goes against my values and I’d lose respect for myself. I just wonder what actually went on here.
@@itchysheets1222I had a friend who I had to block cause he was super toxic. He would cheat on his gf at massage parlours and would message girls on dating apps, watch a lot of corn. They been together for 15 years and they’ve finally broken up. I think he broke her cause she was suffering with depression for a few years and couldn’t get rid of him they were very codependent. He can be very toxic and has bipolar disorder and when it’s bad it’s really bad. She has since moved back in with her mom quit her job and stays home playing video games all day.. while talking to some guy from Switzerland who she’s planning to meet. He saids he still sends her money and buys her food cause he feels responsible for her downfall.
@@itchysheets1222the woman is vile. She’s been cheating for 5 whole years. She should have been focusing on her kids. Stop defending degeneracy.
He started it!
@@ChristinaGainer-p8e exactly lol, and @moniquecastelo that was such a pick-me comment if I ever saw one.
This guy needs to respect himself so he can feel like a man again. As a woman, I can confidently say that his wife left him 5 years ago. The only reason she's staying is for her financial security.
Yes, and she doesn't respect him at all... Clearly. This is sad for the children.
What is a man?
@@a6a34007That's a conservative question. You don't recognize your own side?
@@a6a34007So what is a man? Define it for us.
His wife left after he was cheating with women online, lusting after them, worshipping them, wanking off to them and giving them MONEY TOO! HE CHEATED FIRST, "addiction" BALONI. He was totally disrespectful and he knows it that is why he is still hanging around and now he wants to be right. His wife just rebelled and is giving him a big middle finger. He knows what he did.
My parents were happily married for 73 years and I have been afraid of conflict. He needs to address this.
No… it’s time for both to leave and move in!
He’s need to address it alone
The homes that never have conflict, subconsciously teach kids that it’s the kiss of death. It sets up a dangerous naivety.
So important to see arguments that end with no hard feelings, and regularly. That’s real life, and sustaining any relationship worth having.
People who avoid conflict burst in raging anger often.
@@Susanne-323-So true : I say so because I used to try to avoid conflict all the time and I also used burst in raging anger often.
So now I address issues immediately or almost immediately.
Once infidelity is a part of the equation, even the Bible says you can let it go. Leave bro.
🗣That one!!
True, but he was also unfaithful. He needs to deal with himself too.
@@plousiamaybe I missed something, but I thought he did deal with his issue? He said he went to counseling about his addiction and she refused to for having an affair and other addiction issues. Please correct me if I am wrong about this.
@@rmac9177you did. He’s continuing to allow himself to be walked all over.
He needs to work on himself and become a man.
@@plousiaunfaithful for watching porn?
So many men are terrified of being alone so much so that they will put up with this.
No. They are terrified of losing their kids, their house and half of their stuff.
@@yambagnelson9987 Exactly!!! I read somewhere that it’s primarily a BENEFIT for MEN to get married (it’s not like we didn’t know that but now it’s in printed form, lol). If he leaves her, he’s got to pay child support (if they have a child) & alimony. That’s why he’s ultimately staying in this RAGGEDY situation 🤦🏽♀️
Usually its the women
Women too😢
@@LizettesB3autyChannelit's a benefit for women to get married. It's a benefit to the man to stay married
She sounds like a real keeper. Cheated for years and has a spending problem. What a catch!!!
Sounds like a lot of males
5 year affair??? hey bro.. WTF ARE YOU DOING? LEAVE HER ASAP
@beardedrake9983 4 year porn addiction and based on his conversation deflection, she should have left years ago...
There’s no chance for this marriage. Zero
I don't know who has less respect for this man; him or his wife.
"Did decisions get you beat up as a kid" is a real question.
Would have been a much better excuse
Ya sometimes the overbearing mother creates these kinds of men
I hope he reads the comments on this one
As a former child of a dysfunctional family, you are not doing your kids a favor by showing them this is what relationships should be. Plus kids need stability and obviously you need to be that stability.
Sounds like he does not want to be alone and sees her as comfort even though its not healthy
Also I’m sure he’s thinking it will crush the kiddos
@katemiller7874 yes, and witnessing this nightmare of a "marriage" is teaching the kids that marriage is a nightmare.
I actually think a lot of these calls are “easy” because by the time people call they know what they have to do but don’t want to do it (which is understandable)
Poor guy. She's broken that trust and obviously doesn't care.
No it just sounds like he is desperately trying to keep this image of a family that he has in his head from falling apart. He cares but he’s overlooking it because if he truly acknowledges it, the close family will be gone
Ooof, those poor kids. It's going to be so extremely difficult for him to deal with her as a coparent.
She does not care about her kids
Are they even his kids?
@@DawnKellyMedia I believe he said one of them is.
@@ec-kj4ypI had an ex like this. Exactly like this. There will be no coparenting. Once he stops supporting her she will get even meaner. She's going to take his kids and wrap him up with abuse allegations. It's a text book tactic. When I split with my ex, a few men tried to warn me but most people said it's not like that. It is like that. He is going to lose everything no matter what he does because that's just who his ex is.
And this is what keeps me in a marriage like this. My step kids could be completely cut off from me. My BPD wife's crazy making behavior is infuriating. But at least they are in a stable environment because I do everything possible to keep it that way. Once I'm gone it will just be an endless line of random men. And I don't want them around my girls.
Dr J makes an amazing point. The kids are learning what "love" and "marriage" are. They are also very sensitive and probably realize there's something wrong. I spoke to a man whose mother invited men over when his dad was out of town. This man has a strained relationship with his own dad because of that trauma. His dad didn't leave and his mother didn't change. So sad.
I think he's seeking permission to leave her....or validation.
First lawn mower accident analogy in human history!
For us unmarried people looking for potential life partners, we see this just too often. It's like that's their reality of what a partnership looks like, and we want nothing to do with it. I was with an awesome guy to me but, his abused mother's life, and his child whom some lady said he was the father, and his friends thought it was fun to get him drunk and then abandon him outside in the middle of winter, was not the type of guy I will not allow permanently into my world/life and be responsible for. People said I could change him. The man I want to partner with will love himself more and will have already set those boundaries and made those changes for himself.
DNA TEST, why does John not recommend this?
Because he is a beta simp.
Because the biological parentage is clearly none of his concerns right now. He raised these children and for all intends and purposes, they are his children.
@johnnyappleman7159 are you a parent? Imagine raising kids tour whole life, loving them, caring and providing for them and one day finding out they are not yours. If you immediately think those are not your kids then your messed up
I guess my question is, was the marriage always this way?
The kids deserve to know the truth too
Caller is spineless, sadly.
This only makes his crappy wife dislike him even more I’m sure. Women want a man who will stand up for himself.
Such a coward
He needs a spine transplant
Some people take a commitment like marriage extremely seriously
He watched porn for years!!! What do you expect??? That stuff removes any trace of morality and dignity!!
In some level, she’s just trying to push him until he finally stands up for himself.
Trust me as someone who grew up with an emotionally manipulative mother that is not her goal here. Everything from the overreaction to the porn, to the overspending, and the gaslighting about him being controlling was an attempt to keep him submissive. It has worked too. I mean a 5 year affair and this guy is calling in asking what clear boundaries he should set…John won’t tell you, but as someone who grew up with an abusive mother and a weak father, plan your exit well and GO.
Here’s the thing. Once he wakes up, walks away, his life goes in an upward trajectory. Her life with consist of man after man, never being happy, never being satisfied, and in return she hurts her own children.
This has a chance to end up on Dateline 😳
@@Dansyoungoh I had an ex just like this. His world is headed for chaos for quite some time before it gets better. Look at her behaviour while he's treating her well. She is already trying to ruin him. Once he walks out the gloves will come off and she will actually be horrible. If it's bad now it's going to get a whole lot worse after he leaves
Truth. The final indignity so she can tell people it was his fault.
I'm a wife...I would NEVER cheat on my husband. EVER. If she did this for 5 years she is not wife material. Nope. You have the right to divorce this woman in God's eyes.
She will still take half of everything.
@@thayungprince2unfortunately, that's the law
@@thayungprince2 Half of everything plus the kids. I don't blame the guy.
@@thayungprince2What’s the alternative? You can get money back but not time. He has enough evidence of her being a potentially irresponsible parent so who is to say she gets full custody?
She has no job, no income, no home, evidence of cheating and potential substance abuse… so you really think the courts will side with her? That’s not logical. I think he will be okay but he has to kick her out first and get the process going. Wish him the best
Wait… he also has had addictions and porn too! They e never been married!
Both of them are addicted to something unhealthy. And none of them are living in reality. Please move on for the children's sake.
Porn isnt an unhealthy addiction. He’s not getting sex from her and didn’t want to cheat physically so I don’t blame him. The only time I see porn being concerning is when it’s child porn, rape etc.
@@LeonardHollinsJr Exactly, except I don’t think he has realized it yet. This would only be an issue if you were choosing it over your wife, but she checked out a long time ago.
@@Dansyoungporn addiction is choosing porn over your wife. Basically saying to her, " I don't find you attractive unless you wear/do something to get me off"
Well said. As a man, you shouldn't get into a marriage when you are still in this state because you aren't prepared to be strong.
Some people just shouldn't be married
Damn.... John said it straight up. Your marriage is over😂😂😂
This one is SO obvious even a blind man could see it. This man has zero self respect….ZEEEEERO
Boundaries are not about forcing the other person to change or do anything. Its about saying what you will and will not tolerate.
If youre crystal clear about what you need and they choose not to do it - you remove them from your life.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
To me he needs to divorce this woman. 4 years having an affair and recent. Does no want to try therapy. More affair. I think nothing else to read. She clearly is a bad apple. Spends family money, clearly does not respect him, addicted to social media, substance abuse, her overworking was her cheating....he needs to consult a good divorce lawyer, gather all info on the affair and sexual abuse, of her overspending ...ahave her leave the house. I really think you shouldn't bother mending anything with her.
I want to hear the other side of the story so bad! He had porno addictions at the beginning of their marridge.
If that woman is a whole an Ah like he say, then he wouldn't be wanting to save his marridge so bad. Something is totally unclear here!
5 years is insane. There is no amount of therapy that can fix that
I was in a 5year relationship with an alcoholic and had a hard time getting out of it. It took such a toll on my mental and physical health. He was verbally abusive and gaslighted me a lot. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush apparently and was like a drug addict. It took me years after breaking up with him to get my nervous system and physical health back.
New title: Cheating wife is draining our (my) bank account
Depending on what your house feels like to your kids, they may be happy about this. Explaining that specific things they saw or experienced weren't healthy and "we are going to have a healthy home because that's what kids need and deserve" can help them to understand and even appreciate what you're doing. I had to explain this to a 3 and 4 year old and they got it. I explained that you shouldn't feel afraid to go home. You should feel calm and relaxed in your home. There shouldn't be yelling in your home. This is the cool, new place we're creating together. They got it.
Dude what the hell. This woman is insane. I have no idea why do you still want to save this... I can't say marriage. But get together and leave her. Wish you all the success
Man, this is YOUR LIFE!!! Get out of this terrible marriage. Life is too short!
Cut bait man. Found out my ex cheated (with 2 people) and filed immediately after. Met the woman of my dreams a little later. Get your life back
Yeah the day my ex got an STD is the day I started searching for lawyers. 🤨
This guy needs to man up and leave. She's going to keep doing as much as she can possibly get away with until he does.
The help this guy needs to get is from a good lawyer!!
I feel like he's holding on to a fantasy. I'm glad you brought him into reality.
Daniel, you need to grow a pair, buddy.
Adding a term of endearment at the end doesn't make this any kinder. This is someone genuinely being traumatized or otherwise adversely impacted by cheating and all the complications her abusive actions have caused. I don't intend to be unduly critical, or harsh, but if you're emasculating him, this isn't particularly helpful the way you were going for.
@@candace3493 He clearly emasculated himself. Learn to mind your business, Candace.
@@mirabella2154 It's a public forum, and you clearly just want to dunk on someone calling for and meeting your arbitrary standards of masculinity. I was attempting to be constructive. I guess you enjoy your confirmation bias more than understanding how to appropriately respond to people in distress.
@@candace3493I don’t think a little tough love is going to hurt this guy. He’s tougher than you’re giving him credit for if he’s endured this much that’s for sure. Dr. John is being tough on him too. It’s the truth, he needs to just make a decision and leave. It’s pretty simple
@@candace3493What do you know about masculinity? Like the gentlemen said, mind your business and go watch some other feminist motivated channel
Daniel … you are being controlled. She gaslights you, takes advantage of your non-confrontational manner, spends recklessly. She has left you a long time back and I’d say she never loved you in the first place. The children are now your priority. Best of luck.
Wish for Daniel it could be different, only other option is to continue to take her mistreatment and teach the kids it’s ok.
She takes advantage of him because he’s WEAK!!!!! she had no respect for him. Simply put.
"Spines are on aisle 3"
This made me chuckle 😅
😂
Best comment. Hilarious. I really didn't want to laugh.
@@KManwarrenme neither😂
😂
How does he even know the kids are his? That's the first thing I thought about.
Yikes to all of this!!
My ex husband told me, “I don’t want to be married, but I don’t want a divorce. Keep it a secret.” My first thought was, what would this teach my daughters if I agreed to this. Children absorb everything! Be a model of strength.
I think some people's families or cultural backgrounds put too much shame into divorce and it leaves people to staying in situations like this absurdly long. 😳
Lawyer up....She has contempt for you. Run.
I was the kid that grew up in that household. My dad always talked about leaving, but never did. He always thought he could fix the situation. Trying to deny it only leads to further chaos. Not only was one parent absent, but the other became consumed by complete resentment and rage. Everything becomes the children's fault. I'm just now learning to love myself as an adult and recover from the damage done. We might not be able to control what has happened in our past, but we can choose to do better now for us and our future family's to come. Much love and prayers.
As a child did you internalize it or did someone tell you were at fault. Because you weren’t
@katemiller7874 Good question, mainly I internalized it. But there were a lot of times I was blamed for things I had no control over. I was mistreated by a family member with undiagnosed NPD. Around 13, I ended up with body dysmorphia, which lead to a severe ED. It took me until I was 21 to start working towards being fit instead of sick. I have God to thank. I finally had the strength to pray for his healing. Only then did he remove the dark fog that clouded my self perception. My boyfriend also greatly helped me to learn that I was worth loving and finally gave me hope. I could not have done it alone. Life has many seasons, struggles will not last forever. There are better days ahead for us all. ❤️
I had an ex like this woman. Your father may have done nothing but he may have also protected you. When abusive people learn the relationship is actually over they become more abusive, and when the non abusive parent is gone there is only the kids there to take the anger. Seen it and it's very sad. Especially when the father is the non abusive parent there is very little support and the courts try to stay out of it
He obviously loves this woman and sounds like a great guy. She is using him to the fullest and he is too nice to do anything about it. Some people keep trying and hoping for a miracle.
I hope he gets a DNA test. There’s no doubt in my mind that at least one of his kids aren’t his. I know she wasn’t using protection with her boyfriend
You don’t know, the dude could have a vasectomy. Don’t make such drastic conclusions.
💯
@@user-kr6gw8bq4o
Statistically it’s more likely at least one of the kids aren’t his. It’s more absurd to speculate they are.
We’re you in the bedroom how do you know no protection.
@@user-kr6gw8bq4o There was no drastic conclusion? He suggested he takes precautions measures, because it IS possible.
Daniel, RUN!!❤
Something tells me theres more to the "talking to girls online". The way he said it really creeped me out.
Yeah..he paid them to do stuff for him, at minimum!!!
Exactly! And that is the reason why he neglected his wife to the point that sb else showed her more interest.
Personally I would feel like my spouse trying to continue an affair with someone who wants nothing to do with them is somehow worse than the affair carrying on.
"Just wondering what my next step should be."
Divorce, my man. It's not worth the effort anymore.
My brother did this "porn" I am a man crap, until my sister in law started doing it too but worse. Looking at men strip, emailing penises, lusting after men, saying how hot they are, and generally just talking about them ALL THE TIME. Guess what? My brother got over his "addiction" PRETTY DAMN FAST, because it wasn't an addiction it was DISRESPECT! As for his guy on the phone his wife isn't going to listen anymore to him because HE HURT HER TOO MUCH. HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS what he did, that is why he is still around, crying BOO HOO to Doc John.
why is this guy even calling? wife had a five year affair and I stopped listening!
Were was this man all my life... I came across all his video I can't seem to stop... I love all topics not for gossip but so related to many of our lifes
Is his wife a child?
Emotionally, yes. She fits the definition of immaturity quite well.
All females act like children
@@kiowah231Provider and former enabler.
No just a woman so basically the same thing
@@itaintobeezy Are you gay or something? Because all you do is bash women on this channel… Congratulations on coming out 🌈
No job cheating blowing money wtf is he still doing
Wish there were update calls
Neither of these two had ANY business getting married. This guy needs to end this marriage, move on with his life, and work on himself - before getting involved with any other woman.
Why? I don't really think he's done anything wrong
Agreed the pornography habit is an issue
@@justwantedsomejam7269really?.you think a man being addicted to porn is not doing anything wrong. He is depraved and corrupt, with no idea how to connect emotionally or build intimacy. Plus there is nothing to respect in such a weakling. Which then is very clearly obvious when he stays with a cheater. Only weakling watch porn! Stay single of you use the images ....
Pornography is lusting after other women. Watching them. Fantasizing. It's cheating. @@justwantedsomejam7269
When I decided to separate from my now ex husband, he used to say he wouldn’t rest until he destroyed my life (which he did). The funny part was after a few months I left he told me he still loved me and wanted to try to fix things again and work on our marriage.
This. When he want the relationship to be based on him killing your self esteem
Sounds like a narcissist. He didn't think you'd ever break it off with him
Except they don't actually love you and want to work on the marriage. That's just a lie to induce their target to come back for more mistreatment.
In My opinion they need to stay apart
She is trying to get his attention. He needs to address this now and he needs to make the decision.
Like most fathers he’s afraid of losing his kids if they are his kids.
He didn't talk much about them though and suggests loosing them once the parents separate because he won't step up as a role of a single dad. Many fathers even completely lose contact to their children after separation. He never once took them into account. He sounds like such a dead beat dad already.
Yes he did. He said he doesn't want to lose his family.
Right and I don't think family equals his wife right now. Still if he has the paperwork to legally separate from her pending the divorce. He can have his financial account completely separate he can keep the kids until court ordered parenting plan is in place. He can demand up to 50-50 custody if she also wants custody. Too often guys let the women take the children and then once they get to the court hearings they lose out because they didn't proactively have custody of their children. I feel like two he's scared that if they are not biologically his kids he might lose them completely.
He kept referring to his family and that seems like attachment to his kids. Lots of people minimize a man’s attachment to their children. He could ask her to leave and her be the one to visit the kids.
Don't wait for her to make the decision to end it, she won't. You have to take control of your life and know you are worth more than having a trash wife!
Right, once I heard that she hadn't worked in several years... She has no motivation she's getting what she wants plus she has somebody else to pay her bills.
You dropped this Daniel 👑
There are plenty of other women who would value a good man. Don’t settle for less. I have a feeling she’s trying get him to self harm with all she’s putting him through. Walk away and try to get custody of your kiddos.
Certain personalities in people actually do not care that they are hurting their spouse and household..I’ve lived it so I know that it is real!
True!
Not addressing it gives him the fantasy that his family is intact and just fine. He can still function in that role. Without this role, which he didn’t feel mature enough to manage (hence the porn) he feels lost himself. Doesn’t know who he is. Without this role. I bet?
He won't step up for his kids after separation either. Poor kids. He should learn how to stir the weel of his own life for himself as an individual and as a father a role he doesn't seem too great in from the sounds of it
He has no self respect, sadly. May he finally find the strength end the marriage and move on for the sake of his sanity and their children.
Speak Clearly and say he needs to divorce her immediately
Excellent advice!
Let me get this straight… Your wife had a FIVE year affair, but she was upset about you watching porn.
She basically was in a relationship with another man. You should have walked away once her affair was uncovered.
I agree. You can’t carry on after someone cheats especially for years. It will always bother you all the time you’ll never trust them ever again and they have no respect for you at all. Cheaters are disgusting people
There is a difference between watching porn and a porn addiction. A porn addiction means you are addicted to only specific types of sex, and it's dulling your senses to reality i.e, it's unappealing to her and he's likely not got an erection. Or developed erectile dysfunction from it. That's a relationship killer. You acting like he watched pornhub a couple of times and she "got upset"
@@philwill0123there’s also a difference in watching porn and having a full blown 5 year sexual relationship with someone else.
@@philwill0123 I would venture to say his loyal and loving wife gaslighted him into thinking he had a “porn addiction.” To cover the fact she was in the mist of a FIVE YEAR affair. She sounds like quite the sociopath catch.
@@philwill0123yep. He also said he was talking to other women online, which is essentially cheating but not physically. A porn addiction isn't the same as watching porn every now and then. It literally changes your brain
He ripped the crap out of her dignity and respect when he had sex with women online. It's not an "addiction" oh poor baby! It's CHEATING, CHEATING, CHEATING. Hope your wife give you a serious dose of what he has done to his wife John so you know what it feels like because you got this WRONG and are STOMPING on her AGAIN.
This guy needs a backbone wow. Grow a pair and leave this chick she has no respect for you whatsoever
He is sad and weak
Can't help but be impressed with his decision on improving himself. Addictions are not easy to overcome no matter what they are because there is an underlying reason for them. I hope he gets the rest of the way through this regarding his wife's actions and what he should do because of it.
I would like this show to have a couples segment so we can understand both sides
There are several videos like that on this channel. Most of the time the guy is at fault! 😂
Not sure how you justify a 5 year long affair and $900 on temu in 2 days, but sure
I agree. It would be ideal to hear her side but I doubt a gaslighter would agree to come on this show.
@@bunaynayslay😂😂
Wasn't talking about this particular case. I'm just saying that couples calls are something I would like to see more of. I've only seen one.
They sound perfect for each other
Time to lawyer up, bro.
You were addicted to pornography and had emotional affairs with multiple women online, but she's the only one making bad decisions to ruin your relationship. ok.
Exactly
These people have no hope in their relationship. Move on and get away from eachother neither of you want to be there you just say you do and are afraid of change l. She has no respect for you she had an affair for years
Y'all, don't give this guy a hard time for staying w someone who had a 5-year affair. Everyone has their stuff that they get stuck on. He reached his breaking point and called for help when he'd had enough. He deserves congratulations.
I really try to understand this guy but I can't, he's just live in other world
Bad behaviour is not acceptable.
Affairs are not acceptable.
Remember vows. Do not take them lightly. But also know abuse is not acceptable in any way shape or form. Walk away. Head held high. This sounds toxic. Do not make excuses for her.
Temu one million things 😅
Dr. John you crack me up!!
your decision will teach your children the kind of treatment they should accept.
He needs to get a paternity test on the kids. Quite likely they are not his. And she is purposely hurting him to get him to leave so she doesn’t have to be the one to pull the trigger. This guy is trying to get out of doing what he NEEDS to do, which is to STOP the abuse of him and consequently the kids.
OMG ... Why is this guy so weak?? So doesn't love you, she absolutely doesn't respect you!! End this nonsense!!
Listening to this show has made it so clear to me why 50% of marriages end in divorce. And why some of the 50% that stay married are miserable. As a culture/country we need to start talking about the realities of marriage and how to build and maintain healthy loving relationships because some of these married people are clueless and raising kids in these unhealthy situations. It's sad.
This dude is the epitome of why women file 70% of divorces. Even when a guy is in this situation he will give every reason not to do it.
As my lawyer friend jokes, why do 70% of divorces are initiated by women? Because they can now!
We are absolutely missing a ton of details here. When a story is spun so that one person is a saint who is being trampled on by some comic book super villain, it’s just not real life.