I don't think he was ever in it. He was married before and has child support that he uses her money for also. I would love to know if he did the same to previous wife. I can almost guarantee u he marries well off women and wrings them dry then moves to them next.
Guarantee...he's planning to divorce her. He's spent them into debt and he plans to receive alimony because she makes more than him. He WANTS her to file.
Then he’s a dang fool. Men, and particularly fathers, are usually the ones who get decimated in divorce, so for a man who already has a track record of unpaid child support to his other baby mama AND dug his current family $40,000 in the hole to somehow get alimony from her…that judge would have to be seriously sleeping. Not saying it’s impossible though…the system is broken and helps losers get their way all the time.
Caller needs to file divorce papers ASAP. Husband's liquidation of 401K is telltale sign he has gone scorched earth. There is probably a sizeable Life Insurance Policy on her, that could be the next asset husband goes for. Wife needs to get a Title Lien Search on their home because there's a good chance husband has cashed out some of their house equity, too. Caller is in danger, this goes way beyond mid-life crisis or falling out of love. Husband has already told her their entire family is expendable as far as husband is concerned. Get out alive while you still can.
Selfish and entitled. Its one thing to be that way when you're single but when you have a family you simply can't make decisions solely based on your own personal benefit. But yes you're right there are tons of people out there like this.
Yeah, she's in a bad situation, and needs to get with a lawyer quickly. Good chance he married her because of how much money she makes and it got him out of a bad financial situation (living poor). Then he took advantage of her kindness having her income pay all the bills while his money was play money. Now his attitude seems to be that she makes a lot of money and has a lot of money in retirement, so he might as well have fun with whatever money he can get his hands on. It's okay, mom/wife will bail him out. I'd even go with change your insurance policy, make sure he doesn't have one out on you, and get a will set up.
@@marydawnpafford9969 I think she’s just trying to be a good wife but her role has been Giver and his has been Taker. She definitely needs to harden herself and be alert for foul play. When she decides not to be a human teller machine anymore he is going to fight against it.
The first red flag was the child support delinquency. Why have more children/ blended family with a man who clearly didn't care enough about the child he already had? This level of disregard for his responsibility to his child would not lead me to think he would be a good father or partner. Hopefully she doesn't have to pay him alimony.
@@debbielockhart7762 I was wondering the same when he indicated that he didn't care how daughter was going to college. It seems likely that the daughter is hers and he doesn't feel any sense of responsibility. Although, he didn't pay child support on his own kids, so...
She needs a good lawyer right now because it is going to get worse. He is using her with no care about her feelings at all. Dr John I was waiting for you to say he is unstable once he realizes you mean to move on he might be very dangerous and cause her physical harm and more physical harm
@@debbielockhart7762 true. She should have figured he wouldn't be much of a father to her kids considering how behind on child support he was for his own child. She shouldn't have married him expecting anything different.
@@wendypeeters7656 You said "Try again to blame the victim." Ok...let's say what @Hedge1417 said again. "She's covering most of the bills." Then you said "She did not know until recently about the behind child support. Well, if SHE was covering most of the bills, she probably should have realized that there was trouble at that point. Not a victim of tmarrying a man who cannot pay his bills.
And used her for her money to pay bills and contribute to his back child support to get that all paid off. Now that’s he’s reached that long term goal, she’s useless to him except for the money he can steal and use on himself and his secret life that he’s still hiding.
He won't have any money for a good divorce attorney either. She will be able to hire a shark to defend and protect her and her hard earned money. Thank goodness for that.
He’s seen an attorney already. He’s increased his spending to validate a specific amount of alimony. He’s creating the receipts for a higher standard of living. That way, she’ll be in the hook for higher alimony and higher percentages if their assets to turn over to him. She needs to see an attorney ASAP to protect herself
My husband had a stroke and can’t make any financial contributions rn … he literally does everything I don’t ask he cleans cooks. We had chili tonight ❤😂
When I brought our 4th baby home after being born, our 10th wedding anniversary was a few months away. I asked him if he would do a vow renewal celebration with me. His response was - "I don't see it as anything to celebrate." It was then that I began saving up money that he didn't know about. A friend who had a storage unit that they no longer needed, still had a lease on it, let me use it. I began putting non perishable groceries in it. Having been faithful to him, still loved him, I began to prepare just in case. A few friends had been broad sided by their spouses with divorce papers. Helping them, I saw the signs they missed. He had no idea as there was no bill for the storage unit. The ex-beat me just once, that was the final straw. After recovering, I filed & financed the divorce. Preparing like it would happen, hoping it wouldn't happen, so glad I prepared.
@@patricias6227 I didn't want to divorce. I saw the logic in getting out of a bad situation that was too much pain to go through. Staying in an abusive marriage or relationship can damage a person for life. It felt like I hit a reset button on life & happiness initially. Loneliness did set in. I had never lived alone, ever. The dating world had changed so much. The horrors & danger were very frightful. Scammers online as well as real life were so prevalent. As much as I wanted a couple scammers to be real, to be who they said they were, I KNEW who as well as what they were. After seeing the guys out there, I decided to be single & celibate in 2012. Maybe for a few years, maybe for the rest of my life. I'm alone in the world, never lonely. Knowing what I bring to the table, am fine with eating alone. With another person or without. I'm happy.
smart....you learned by watching other suffering.....that is smart. I did that...made my divorce really easy work.....as far as money and proprty division. 4 kids in 10 years...THAT is a lot of pressure on ANY relationship.
I found out 15 years in some financial issues that I knew nothing about. I ended it there. Make sure in your divorce that he is responsible for that debt, not you.
That might depend on how finances are set up, since she is the higher earner and the divorce laws in their state... Many men by virtue of being the higher earner or provider after divorce end up paying alimony, the legal fees for the wife , child support and even consumer debt and student loan debt
The problem is she can’t stop paying the bills. It sounds like he paid for his credit cards and fun and nothing else. So nothing changes for him. If the house in in joint name she’ll have to buy him out or sell. I went though this with my own deadbeat ex.
AFTER HE CHIKD GOES OFF TO COLLEGE SHE NEEDS TO GET EVERYTHING SHE CAN PACKED. EMPTY THE BANKS AND GO FAR AWAY. DIVORCE............BUT LIVE FAR AWAY FRM THAT LOSER MAN.
I am going through this EXACT scenario. Except he was $60K in debt. Found out he wasn't going to work for months. Had a mistress of 7 years.. Had insurance on me that I did not know about. He tried to kill me. GET OUT!!!!!! Now he is making the divorce hell. Asking for alimony, even though we had no kids and he had been 'pretending' to go to work. Terrible advice!!! Divorce him NOW. You will be responsible for marital debt. And this guy does not care about his wife. There is no telling what he will do. Allowing the husband to continue living off the woman is TERRIBLE ADVICE!!!!!
Why you have problem with alimony.. Husband pay it all the time.. 99% time.. Even if wife has fault and she cheat.. Also I think your husband didn't wanna divorce you.. And he my love you even now.. You should try to communicate..
@@mineandmine4528 people say lot's of things in anger especially men.. People wants to emotional and vulnerable and when they get vulnerable and express their emotions like anger is also an emotion Society don't like it because it look bad.. As if women scream at men angrily tell him things look less bad, violent then men scream at women and say something bad..
@akhilmahajan9759, My questions were not answered, how will that marriage work out if he tried to kill her ? How is it possible that he loves her but tried to end her ?
My parents were in the exact same situation. My mom would work, take care of the house, cook, clean, take care of me and my brother, paying the bills, buying groceries, buying our clothes, while my dad got to keep his money and pretend that he s keeping them for us, for when we grow up. One day my mom just divorced him and that s it, she didn t even ask for his money or anything, he just moved out, bought a big house with a big yard and is living the life. He didn't invite us there once, except when he needed help with the renovations. Some people are just nasty human beings.
This was my marriage, he was addicted to buying, didnt matter what it was. Get a secret credit card, run it up, pay the minimum, get another, repeat. Get a secret loan to pay off the cards. Eats out every day - yes exactly the same, wouldnt eat with me and the kids. Tens of thousands on cards, tens more of loans. Confronted him and he just lied about it, didnt want to get divorced, couldnt accept it was a problem. Went to therapy where he was just charming and tried to make out i was exaggerating and it was me being neurotic and 'no fun'. I walked eventually but still havent really got over it, how can men (or women) behave like that. Id have understood more if it was other women. My heart goes out to you Elizabeth, but its not you and youll never fix him. X
All you said is spot on. The behavior is un explainable. You never come to understand why the behavior, what would change it, what to do with it. Its maddening. And its not your fault. And you cant fix it, as you said. It takes SO long to come to terms with all this. Watching videos helped me heal immensely. XXOO
@@Kathy-qu8zjBecause not all people are horrible. The issue is a lot of us are lonely so we ignore red flags and foolishness then end up in these situations or there’s some evil people who wait until they think they’ve trapped you in marriage to show these things. That being said… not all people are like this and it can be beautiful when both people are healed and act like they have sense.
Amy , I’m sorry you found yourself in my situation to drawl the conclusion that fast yes somethings up. Yes she needs to live him, but it’s completely unfair to come to that conclusion 100% that’s not how life works.. there will be evidence that she will find out assumption without direct knowledge or evidence is unfair to both parties
Overall I would agree but I have a friend who got himself into trouble with drivving infractions and ended up in prison for year or two. They did not adjust his child support even though he was incarcerated. When he got out he was behind in child support and the state then tacked on interest. He couldn't get a license without paying off the fines but couldn't get to work without a license. This was a domino effect that buried him. When he finally got a job (car pooling) they garnished his wages not only for the normal monthly but also an added amount for the back arrears. Basically he could not afford an apartment and put food in the fridge. It got to the point where he only did side jobs off the books and help with his kids via cash directly to the mom. Which of course does not pay down the back child support. Did he make a some mistakes? Yes. However, the system is broke in a way that he could not recover from that.
@@spyder000069 You don't go to prison for minor traffic issues. What type of driving infractions landed him in prison? Was he a danger to others traveling down those same roads?
@@paulabroadway1697 Its been years but as I recall it started with a dui. Then he got several driving on revoked over time trying to get to job sites (carpenter). I'm sure there was some no insurance, paraphernalia (weed was illegal in illinois at the time), and other driving tickets. Missing work due to rides and couldn't pay insurance and it just domino'd. Basically had a bunch that were all going to come up in court at the same time. As I recall it was going to be a longer combined jail time or he could take a plea and prison time and get out sooner so he went to prison. I would not say he was a danger to others driving but obviously the no insurance part is a problem. However, I am amazed at how many people out there do not have car insurance.
He won't file the papers - and if he did he would make her pay for the lawyer ... She does not need to and she should NOT ask him for the divorce. Leave him. Collect all the data - screen shots of purchases, downloads of statements, write down every conversation you have had about money, timeline of expenses, etc. and get a SHARK lawyer. Don't feel sorry for your husband; he has a problem and it is his responsibility to get treatment for it (and not charge it to you). Get a hard core attorney because that person will protect your money and you. Sorry you have to deal with this.
This "husband" wanted to spend a lot of the money on himself. She has let him become the "4th child". She lets him keep his paycheck while she pays the bills from her paycheck. He is like a disrespectful, insolent teenager who hates the breadwinner but enjoys the money that the breadwinner brings home. What a selfish jerk he is but she turned herself into his doormat.
I've never been a doormat, never will be, but I found myself in a similar situation as the caller (although we weren't married, but were together for a decade). It's the creeping boil gets ya. Tiny adjustments over years and years. The rate at which women are starting to out earn men, financially, is historically unprecedented. There's no blue print to follow. The relationship dynamics are drastically different. I can't speak for her, but for myself in hindsight, it's clear that being the breadwinner made it easier for him to manipulate me. My ex was emasculated by my earnings, and he used his wounded, limping masculinity to start endless fights. I found myself paying for things in advance, slowly but more and more, just to avoid the neverending arguments. Additionally, I think women are universally familiar with the anxiety of a man potentially having financial authority and power over them; in turn, I found myself overcompensating trying to ensure he never felt that way with me. I felt the caller's words in my bones when she said she "never wanted him to feel that." All of that to say, I never would've thought I could've ended up like that. Not in a million years. But I did. For all the other boss babes out there, remenber us as a cautionary tale.
When we divorced, his credit went down, mine went up. My insurance went down his went up. I kept my maiden name and banked separately. Whew! I should mention, was married 27 years to a good man. I won't get into why we're not together anymore. I never remarried. He has passed on. So, I will be collecting that spousal benefit from SSA, thanks. I've earned it. Learn the system ladies, it was there to protect women from,...well...you know.🙏
I totally agree. That is the lesson many people learn. Usually the hard, VERY hard, way. In a perfect world, it's a no-brainer to combine lives/finances.
However, if you can't form a union with the person you marry, why get married? I get the need to protect yourself since the stats on successful marriages are awful, but maybe there needs to be a balance in regards to protecting yourself and making such a commitment. In this case, she kept most of her money separate, and they had a joint bank account with $20K in it (less than 15% of her annual income), and arguably that joint account worked as a strong indicator that he can not be trusted. Money well spent IMO.
@@Foxie770 transparent meaning no privacy just leaves people open to financial abuse and feeling suffocated, and assuming you aren’t mega rich will ALWAYS be an area of argument within a relationship because there will always be something silly one person wants to spend money on but the other doesn’t, and when you work your ass off full time and someone else can say ‘you can’t spend your money on the thing you want to do’ that’s gonna cause resentment. Same for if someone has a more expensive hobby, or developes an addiction. It worked back in the olden days where there was a bread winner. But now everyone’s working, so let them spend their money on whatever they want to reward themselves, as long as the joint expenses are also covered who cares what an individual spends their money on.
Unfortunately, I think this marriage is over. The trust is broken. How could he be so careless and still expect her to be with him?! She asked him if he ever thought about his family while spending over 40 K on "life," and his answer was no why would I? So disgusting. I hope this lady gets through this and will be blessed with a man full of morals and values. She deserves it 🩵
@@penelope5500 thank you. I was about to say what you did. With all the horror stories, best put God first and live your life. If God presents a person with a true person of morals and integrity, then go for it.
@penelope5500 I agree with you. She needs time alone and to focus on healing, but everyone needs love and partnership in life, so that's why I said what I said.
$40,000 of just frivolous spending? No way, no how. There’s some kind of addiction or secret life he’s hiding. I’m guessing gambling, porn, prostitutes…maybe a combination of multiple things. Either way, he has no remorse, so there isn’t much to save here.
I work with a lot of wealthy people. It’s very easy to spend that in a year. $3,000 a month. If you’re golfing, going out to eat, buying expensive clothes, expensive alcohol, I’m sure hunting trips. It adds up fast. I’m in Atlanta and some golf courses charge hundreds to play a round.
@@sheldavidson I guess I shouldn’t say it can’t be done, but it seems virtually impossible to hide that kind of spending from your spouse, whether your finances are combined or not. That’s more than just spending money; that’s an entire lifestyle. How would she not know about that? That’s why I say there’s probably something that he CAN hide that just hasn’t come to light yet.
I had a relative who s wife made most of the money. He asked us to come over to help move his stuff from the house. They were selling it. Legal separation not divorce. Looking thru stuff in a storage room we found hundreds of bags of stuff. Receipt s still in then bags. None of it made sense. For example, She had bought /12 pair of water shoes. They had three kids? Clothing never worn. Brand new. It was crazy. He was so heartbroken. He just wanted it gone. We told him to have a yard sale.. He had no money and no job. He was SOL. Easily n_$30 to $40K worth of new stuff still in the bags just tossed in this back room. I think they call it a buying addiction.
If he was taking cash advances on his credit cards then you wouldn't know where he was spending his money on unless there are receipts. You can't trace the cash.
She needs to leave. There are sooooo many ways a dishonest person can hide spending, you mentioned one. My friends ex-wife did the following: went to Walmart and would take $100 in cash when she bought groceries. Walmart used to have that service in my area. So it would show up like she spent $132 at Walmart when in reality it was only $32. It took several years before he really noticed the lack of food in the house vs how much she was spending. She’d taken tens of thousands for her gambling addiction.
It sounds like he wasn't doing that with his credit cards themselves, but he took out 10K from their savings and 7K from his 401K. Additionally, she is paying the bills except for "groceries" (doubt he is actually doing the grocery shopping, so some groceries maybe), and he is keeping his paycheck. So he probably has 40-50K to spend in fun money each year.
If he showed any contrition over this, or shame, that would be one thing. I’ve absolutely had moments in my marriage where I wasn’t managing things right, and I remedied them by taking initiative, paying off debt, and making more money. I over communicate the money to my wife now, to the point she’s kinda tired of me talking about it 🙃. And I’m putting major cash into savings now to make sure we are never in that place again. Cause I knew I wanted us to be ok, my kids to be ok, and I had to make that happen. But $40k in a year? And no remorse? This guy is checked OUT.
Dr. John is spot on. My ex was playing teenage stepson. He treated our kids like they were his younger siblings, then they would act like I was an unreasonable stepmother. So now we have a mini me and a daddy’s girl and our oldest and myself have PTSD. He was so two faced I’m just grateful that the kids have good morals. Like you say they destroy the marriage but you’re the one who has to end it. Likely they are just having too much fun.
Get out before it grows to $80,000. That was my story. Had the tendencies throughout the marriage to spend on himself but not at the scale in the last two years. Divorced him. We were required to share the debt and I bought him out of the house. He walked away with a fair amount of cash and had it all spent in short order. Like John said - he felt dead inside.
my first spouse pulled a number on me like this too, after a few years of incessant, impulsive shopping, he started running up credit cards, including one joint card that he maxed out within a week of me moving out. I was stuck paying that off to protect my good credit, which I needed to start over and get my own place. 20 years have passed, i moved on and did better for myself. He is still exactly the same. Some men are just total BUMS!
I just thanked my husband of 37 years for not ditching me for a newer model. He has always had my back and would never in a million years say what your husband said to you. I have to also add that when I told him thanks, he looked at me weird and said why would I, had to explain the crazy people that I watch on RUclips...not that you are crazy but your (future Ex) hubs sure is cray cray!
*SHE'S TAKING TOO LONG, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, HE'S WITH YOU FOR THE SALARY YOU MAKE!! Divorce him ASAP!! Him saying he does not thing about the family is freaking nuts! YOU DON'T NEED HIS SIGNATURE FOR DIVORCE! And why, WHY would you want to age with an asshole! Lady, cut your losses and plan a peaceful life for yourself!*
It sounds like her husband is just there for what he can get. He doesn’t seem to be participating in the marriage but he’s got a roof over his head and every other damn thing he wants except self-respect.
The main issues are being nonchalant about his family's financial future, the deception and secrecy. 40K out of 200K a year for his play-money...there is still quite a hefty 160K left over. From what the wife said, it doesn't sound like the money itself being spent is a major issue since it didn't sound like they are struggling to make ends meet, but the lies, lack of emotional connection towards her and the kids, lack of transparent communication...huge issue.
Yeah, all of that. Even with an income that can take that blow, 40k is no joke, especially for one partner's secret play money. That's almost a quarter of the income and definitely a big chunk out of college tuition support for 3 kids. Such wild disrespect and short-term thinking going on here.
My mom did this repeatedly throughout my dad’s 40 year marriage. She passed away in 2011. Because of her incessant financial infidelity, he is also 80 years old still working a big box retailer. He can’t afford to quit.
I'm sorry but I've been married 25 years and my wife just went back to work part-time last year (after 23 years of being stay at home mom; because our kids are grown now). I couldn't imagine messing with my wife's budget like this and having to look her in the face and give her some callous answer. No, something is going on - you can't love someone and then hurt them and act like you don't care. Now I see what happened at 15:50- she is partially responsible for creating this man child- scary thing is this idiot husband will probably get alimony if she divorces him because she makes more and we have a sucky legal system.
She's partially responsible? Because she was footing the bills making mire money than him? Is that a gender thing or are men who make more money than their wife and pay the bills partially responsible, too, if their wife goes on a shopping spree with their college funds and retirement money? If it's a gender thing this would mean women could never marry a man who makes less money than them.
My take: I know Dr John is trying to be nice but he needs to prepare this lady for the inevitable. That money just didn’t evaporate he is setting up a life elsewhere for when he makes his exit, as far as he’s concerned the “kids” are adults and his parenting responsibilities is over. He has left the marriage already.
1) NEVER marry a man with children if you have none. 2) When you marry and combine finances, even if the man is the primary breadwinner and paying the bills DO NOT stop paying attention. If they cannot handle things you need to step in. 3) Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you twice. LEAVE
I was married for 12 years and my husband kept saying his life was none of my business. Meanwhile he was siphoning off all of my savings and putting it into OffShore accounts,untraceable. He tried to kill me for money after he stole my entire life savings in my house.get out and get out now and get a great lawyer that you can trust. I got a corrupt lawyer and ended up losing big time that way as well. I have come to realize he sought me out, and I was a business deal to him. The only reason he married me was for financial gain. I always made more than him, and I became his slave and mommy. Meanwhile, he didn’t care about me and tried to kill me for an insurance policy after he drained everything that I had worked for.
Clear the accounts, divorce. One thing to look for: many services related to "adult entertainment" have a permit or name that allows them to charge as a regular business, ie, a grocery store, a golf club... 👀
Nothing to do with intimidation. Ofc most men would feel emasculated being with a women who makes more. It’s in our nature to want to be the breadwinner and it is what most women r attracted to. We want to provide for our women and family. Men need to be the breadwinner and in the leadership role or the relationship will fail most likely.
@@maskedentrepreneur22then work to earn more, don’t marry her, or deal with it. And tbh there’s little protection from a guy who thinks his role is defined by his earnings-and it does reek of insecurity and instability, crucial flaws in a provider/leader
Not every man feels emasculated. My ex said his dream was for me to make 6 figures so he wouldn’t have to work any more. Lol. I said not in a million years as you do essentially zero at home. We even had to pay for a lawn person as his knee hurt. But he could hike. Lol The last three years he made about 10k a year and finally left me and my daughter to move back to his hometown to relive his high school years. He was 53. 😅
Elizabeth, I had the same marriage for 30 years I’ve got him out of our home two years ago, it’s worth the pain and chaos you’ll experience in the short term. You will be happier without this burden. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to be your partner and has too weak a character to be a mature adult. He’s not going to change. You deserve better.
My question is why did she marry him when he already had back payments on child support? She's so confused that he's taken money from his kids when he already had neglected his previous obligations?
I know people who have married worse. I think people, especially women due to the window on child-bearing years, think being single is worse than being married to a criminal. Prosecuted crime or not.
John asked: "is he being a coward or is he emasculated?" Definitely a coward. The sweet lady doesn't seem controlling or unreasonable. I think deep inside of her she knows that's "who" her husband is and this is over, but some parts of her still want to save this, thus this call.
Disagree. He doesn't pay any BILLS 😮 He doesn't take decisions😮 she already out earns him and she still works many many extra hours? What for? Why is he there for?
Or both.. the guy sounds like a manchild.. the caller is sweet and not controlling, sure, but she sounds more like a mom.. having a husband who doesn’t contribute to the bills but groceries?
I never cared if a woman made more than me, honestly I prefer it. I’m only $15k short of $100k and I live in a very low cost of living area. However, having experience dating women who do make more, it does come with some caveats. I was in a 4.5 year relationship that ended last summer with a woman who made double what I made when we started dating (I was making less than I do now). The money tells the story. She wears the pants, because she pays the lions share of the bills. Also, I know several breadwinner or head of household women that would prefer not to be. Child rearing/raising and having to go make all the money and run the household is mentally and physically exhausting for them. The high stress nature of the role can wear on them over time. It’s a different kind of challenge for women. I know my fair share of women who would happily give up breadwinner duties to the husband to work a more relaxing and fun job. Breadwinner money is no easy task, because the breadwinner does pay the lions share of the bills. You always have to think about budgets and life creep.
Ofc they do because it is the role that men should be naturally and the role they have been in since the beginning of time. Most women r not attracted to a guy that makes less than them and want them to be the breadwinner and if there not will not respect them and leave them. It’s biology, all these switched roles r why there so many divorces nowadays, the natural order is how it should be.
@@williamr4053no wonder u can’t hold down a relationship because women will not respect a man who makes less than them and, ur a beta male lol, preferring a women to make more than you lol is embarassing. Ofc the women in the breadwinner role would not want to be it’s biology. Men need to be the head of the household and that’s how the relationship works the best, if the women is in the leadership role she will lead alright, the relationship to the end🤣. Ur way to feminine buddy grow some balls
@@maskedentrepreneur22 most women I know that are breadwinners came from broken homes. Their Dad’s were either not around or were around in a limited capacity. They saw their mother struggle and they didn’t want that for themselves, so they always went out and chased success and earning potential. The majority of women I know that are doing a career that they love, and aren’t breadwinners in their relationships/marriages came from 2 parent households where the Dad led the family financially, and was still respectful to his girlfriend/wife. I grew up lower middle class and was mostly poor. My Mom was never meant to be head of household and it showed. She had no idea how to be the breadwinner and run a household. It was too much for her. She was always meant to subsidize a partners income, but sadly my mother was never successful in love.
I think is always hard when one person makes more than the other and a person pays for more it creates recentment. At the beggining of a relaitonship is always good to talk about financial expectations.I like my man to make more money than me I think is sexy but my man also wants me to be financially independent. So we had long conversations about our finances until we got to a good pplace it takes work and a lot of communication. But if you dotn tallk about finaces with your spouse at some point is going to be a problem. Also I know Dr. John doesnt liek prenups but when you do a prenup it helps you to see how they are with money, and you have to give full disclosure of your finances so you can see exactly what the person has or doesnt have. Things are never black and white in a relationship everyone is different.
Think the husband is acting like a jerk to sabotage the marriage. He wants out. He just doesn’t know about how to go about doing it. And then he’ll plays rhe victim later. Sadly I know this behavior. Hopefully you don’t see the narcissist I saw. Sending you light 💫✨💫 ⭐️⭐️⭐️BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE…. priceless Dr John
Could being living a double life . Been with same person 48 years and in last few years foundout alot of crazy . So confused to think Al aws good but it's not😢
The longer they are married after he takes out this debt, the stronger a case is made for that being marital property and not a catalyst for their divorce. It is horrible advice to tell her that he needs to file the paperwork. She needs to end this and protect herself and her children’s financial future. This man does not care about taking her down with him. She is the breadwinner and makes more money and he is committing financial infidelity and is putting her entire future at risk. She needs to leave yesterday.
I had a professor tell me when a client reports they feel like they feel "crazy" look for addiction around them because addicts make the people around them crazy. In my practice, that proved true many many times
Yeah not necessarily.. he might’ve screwed up and paid the ex personally for the kids for years, but it’s not on paper for the judge so the woman can lie and make him pay it all again.
@@TigerSeven86 in some cases yeah, but majority of the time, someone's past actions will show what they will do in the future, most people of good character do not put themselves in that position
Yeahhh, I was all for trying to work it out until the "I pay all the bills" part. Ma'am...leave this...child. He has been ALLOWED to act like a teenager with a summer job for spending money and given his mother's credit card for fun. He is taking advantage of you. And you seem to have little self worth. Women let men run wild/be Peter Pan when they think they don't deserve better or can't get better. This man needs to be told he has to pay bills. He needs to be given an allowance and a bill to pay back what he has STOLEN. He will leave, I'm sure. He is a child, not a man. He will resent you for changing the game and making him adult. He's probably only with you for the free ride. But if it were me, I would get out while I'm still relatively young and have plenty of life ahead of me....to not waste with this manchild.
That's just not true. I'm nit saying it doesn't happen, just that you can't generalize it on an experience or an opinion. We have a blended family(started 20 years ago), and yes there were many issues, but he has always loved my children the same and I now have a great relationship with his. It's doable, but it IS work, and you have to be in it for real AND for the long haul. Also, you have to be self aware of being the adult and trying to do what's best for the children, the family and not just reacting to how you 'feel'. Again, hard....but very doable.
Maybe I'm the only one but I could totally see how $40k could be racked up in 12 months from golf lessons, clothes, hunting equipment - prices for things have really gone up in the past few years (as everyone knows) and I just don't think it would take long to rack up $40k from random purchases like that
I was in this married 'situation'. He chose me because I had a full time job that he could benefit from in an abusive way by making it seem like I am 'in control' of the finances by leaving me to organize the bills and by saying things like "it's up to you" while he waltzes out the door to go play golf or to the movies with his friends while embezzling as much money as he can from the marriage while I work 60 hours a week. His family encouraged him to do it and he admitted it in the end that the marraige was nothing but an entire sham, that he never intended to stay married because it was nothing more than a temporary means of sexual and financial exploitation. I had the body and the income.
She needs to hire a forensic accountant. And a divorce lawyer. He’s left this marriage and family AWHILE ago.
Hes got to be socking a bunch of cash advances away. If hes using a different mailing address she might consider getting ahold of a fraud detective.
A new family,go,now
You’re his paycheck and his money is for recreation
AGREE. IF SHE CAN AFFORD TO PAY THOSE PEOPLE.
I don't think he was ever in it. He was married before and has child support that he uses her money for also. I would love to know if he did the same to previous wife. I can almost guarantee u he marries well off women and wrings them dry then moves to them next.
She should pull HER credit report and make sure he didn't take any loans or credit cards in her name.
Sounds like she did that and put a credit freeze in place. This guy is something else.
Gotta be live he is bidding time to enact his escape plan..
Guarantee...he's planning to divorce her. He's spent them into debt and he plans to receive alimony because she makes more than him. He WANTS her to file.
Good point
Sickening that someone could be that conniving towards someone they once loved
That was my thought too.!
What's the general rule? Who files first pays alimony?
Then he’s a dang fool. Men, and particularly fathers, are usually the ones who get decimated in divorce, so for a man who already has a track record of unpaid child support to his other baby mama AND dug his current family $40,000 in the hole to somehow get alimony from her…that judge would have to be seriously sleeping. Not saying it’s impossible though…the system is broken and helps losers get their way all the time.
Caller needs to file divorce papers ASAP. Husband's liquidation of 401K is telltale sign he has gone scorched earth. There is probably a sizeable Life Insurance Policy on her, that could be the next asset husband goes for. Wife needs to get a Title Lien Search on their home because there's a good chance husband has cashed out some of their house equity, too. Caller is in danger, this goes way beyond mid-life crisis or falling out of love. Husband has already told her their entire family is expendable as far as husband is concerned. Get out alive while you still can.
Good point! Have seen enough of ID
@@LaverneGrant-ff8ub What is "ID"?
@jeromehenry4484 Investigation Discovery Channel, if I remember correctly. True crime.
Lol that jump would make carl Lewis proud
Yeah, this could be the tip of the iceburg. Good advice, jeromehenry4484. It's not like these don't happen. He could actually be dangerous.
He really looked his wife in the eye and said, “No. Why would I?”
There’s really people out there like this. Heartbreaking 😞
Not much makes my mouth drop, but that slapped me upside the head. What a lowlife.
I’d be really worried about their identities and credit scores after that..
Selfish and entitled. Its one thing to be that way when you're single but when you have a family you simply can't make decisions solely based on your own personal benefit. But yes you're right there are tons of people out there like this.
I agree. So sad that people can be this way (man or woman) to their significant other.
They're called narcissists
Lady, YOU R BEING USED by someone disguising himself as your husband.
He is safe from committing to another woman because he is "married"
Yeah, she's in a bad situation, and needs to get with a lawyer quickly. Good chance he married her because of how much money she makes and it got him out of a bad financial situation (living poor). Then he took advantage of her kindness having her income pay all the bills while his money was play money. Now his attitude seems to be that she makes a lot of money and has a lot of money in retirement, so he might as well have fun with whatever money he can get his hands on. It's okay, mom/wife will bail him out. I'd even go with change your insurance policy, make sure he doesn't have one out on you, and get a will set up.
@@scott4825 I hope she’s reading these comments because canceling any insurance policies, which are out on her, could save her life.
She's too passive and easy.
@@marydawnpafford9969 I think she’s just trying to be a good wife but her role has been Giver and his has been Taker. She definitely needs to harden herself and be alert for foul play. When she decides not to be a human teller machine anymore he is going to fight against it.
He is stashing as much money as he can for his departure.
Troubled people don't save money. They are not that organized, logical and don't plan very long in advance.
Yes. Probably returned the items for cash.
Naw. He’s blowing it.
That makes sense,, he could be stashing it, he must have s plan!it
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE IS SPENDING NOT SAVING UP TO LEAVE.
The first red flag was the child support delinquency. Why have more children/ blended family with a man who clearly didn't care enough about the child he already had? This level of disregard for his responsibility to his child would not lead me to think he would be a good father or partner. Hopefully she doesn't have to pay him alimony.
I don't think they have any children together.
@@debbielockhart7762 I was wondering the same when he indicated that he didn't care how daughter was going to college. It seems likely that the daughter is hers and he doesn't feel any sense of responsibility. Although, he didn't pay child support on his own kids, so...
She needs a good lawyer right now because it is going to get worse. He is using her with no care about her feelings at all.
Dr John I was waiting for you to say he is unstable once he realizes you mean to move on he might be very dangerous and cause her physical harm and more physical harm
@@debbielockhart7762 true. She should have figured he wouldn't be much of a father to her kids considering how behind on child support he was for his own child. She shouldn't have married him expecting anything different.
@@ericacole7102 true, there's always the potential for this especially because she's the breadwinner and he won't like losing access to her money.
She's covering most of the bills and he was behind in child support. That is very telling.
Anything for a ring!!
@@ineedhoezshe did not know untill recently. Try again to blame the victim
@@wendypeeters7656 You said "Try again to blame the victim." Ok...let's say what @Hedge1417 said again. "She's covering most of the bills." Then you said "She did not know until recently about the behind child support. Well, if SHE was covering most of the bills, she probably should have realized that there was trouble at that point. Not a victim of tmarrying a man who cannot pay his bills.
@@girlygirl1890 he had a job and did his own admin. As a grown as man you could assume he is responseble to pay everything.
he has it TOO GOOD why leave? He is All Taken care of, bills overhead, kids ect while he PLAYs
Don't ask him for a divorce, just do it.
Pay bills, then take your half of the joint savings account, and go hire an attorney.
Get the forensic accountant!!
Book of Mark 10
@@tatertot80 It's easy to do yourself too. Get 3 years or more back bank records and follow the $$
It sounds like he is done with the marriage. Why would I?
Wow!
She should get a divorce.
Married her to raise his kids.
And used her for her money to pay bills and contribute to his back child support to get that all paid off. Now that’s he’s reached that long term goal, she’s useless to him except for the money he can steal and use on himself and his secret life that he’s still hiding.
Yep , and to help support him while he paid off his 1st kids support..now he has no obligation in his eyes ...ick
and fill his pockets. Wheee are the incels who usually populate the comments when a woman is a parasite? Here we have a man.
If that be the case, he picked the right woman. And she was paying for things when they were dating, for sure!!
In 2024 men are living off women. He hit the jackpot with this desperado
“No, why would I?” I think there’s your answer, my friend. This is already a done deal.
That hurts so bad. 😢 I hope they don’t find out.
He is setting up his life for when he is single
Nice picture.
Amen. I would have gone to a lawyer that day..m
I know a few of those " no , why would I" guys
Thankfully, she still has a separate account that her earnings go into. She's gonna need that money when they divorce.
He won't have any money for a good divorce attorney either. She will be able to hire a shark to defend and protect her and her hard earned money. Thank goodness for that.
@@CCBBAA1you mean a snake. She deserves nothing!
Stuff like these, when people “change” is why sometimes having a separate account makes sense..
She already needs it.
He’s seen an attorney already. He’s increased his spending to validate a specific amount of alimony. He’s creating the receipts for a higher standard of living. That way, she’ll be in the hook for higher alimony and higher percentages if their assets to turn over to him. She needs to see an attorney ASAP to protect herself
I agree 1,000%.
He’s not leaving. His life is too good. No problems at all
What a coward. He doesn't want to be in it but doesnt wanna be the one to end it. Just like john said, he wants to be the victim.
Now he can cry "my wife left me" and let that be the excuse for his moral failings
@@alladreamwedreamed and the men say why women mostly apply for no fault divorces
I've never heard a clearer sign that someone is about to be left than on this call
She lost me at he doesn't pay any bills. Lady get a lawyer.
My husband had a stroke and can’t make any financial contributions rn … he literally does everything I don’t ask he cleans cooks. We had chili tonight ❤😂
@@lyssgoddessYou got a good one there. 😉
Yeh me too, I was lost on that one 😮
@@lyssgoddessThat’s a health problem. Not a perfectly healthy male chilling.
I thought women are strong and independent? Men have been the provider for "years", but when a woman needs to step up. A woman is seen as dating down.
Forget talking to your husband. Get a lawyer ASAP.
Divorce this guy. Biggest regret is wasting time on not living YOUR ambitions.
When I brought our 4th baby home after being born, our 10th wedding anniversary was a few months away. I asked him if he would do a vow renewal celebration with me. His response was - "I don't see it as anything to celebrate."
It was then that I began saving up money that he didn't know about.
A friend who had a storage unit that they no longer needed, still had a lease on it, let me use it. I began putting non perishable groceries in it.
Having been faithful to him, still loved him, I began to prepare just in case. A few friends had been broad sided by their spouses with divorce papers. Helping them, I saw the signs they missed. He had no idea as there was no bill for the storage unit.
The ex-beat me just once, that was the final straw.
After recovering, I filed & financed the divorce. Preparing like it would happen, hoping it wouldn't happen, so glad I prepared.
Smart👍🏼
WHAT A SHAME U AND KIDS HAD TO GO THRU ALL THAT.
Whoa, I had to stop the video to read this.
Wow. Good planning but sorry you went thru that pain and misery.
@@patricias6227 I didn't want to divorce. I saw the logic in getting out of a bad situation that was too much pain to go through. Staying in an abusive marriage or relationship can damage a person for life.
It felt like I hit a reset button on life & happiness initially.
Loneliness did set in. I had never lived alone, ever.
The dating world had changed so much. The horrors & danger were very frightful.
Scammers online as well as real life were so prevalent. As much as I wanted a couple scammers to be real, to be who they said they were, I KNEW who as well as what they were.
After seeing the guys out there, I decided to be single & celibate in 2012. Maybe for a few years, maybe for the rest of my life. I'm alone in the world, never lonely. Knowing what I bring to the table, am fine with eating alone.
With another person or without. I'm happy.
smart....you learned by watching other suffering.....that is smart. I did that...made my divorce really easy work.....as far as money and proprty division. 4 kids in 10 years...THAT is a lot of pressure on ANY relationship.
I found out 15 years in some financial issues that I knew nothing about. I ended it there. Make sure in your divorce that he is responsible for that debt, not you.
That might depend on how finances are set up, since she is the higher earner and the divorce laws in their state... Many men by virtue of being the higher earner or provider after divorce end up paying alimony, the legal fees for the wife , child support and even consumer debt and student loan debt
This marriage is done. Stop living in fantasyland. No more paying his bills and protect your money. Hire a lawyer and go find your next life.
She's a sugar mama.Why does he want to divorce her!!
The problem is she can’t stop paying the bills. It sounds like he paid for his credit cards and fun and nothing else. So nothing changes for him. If the house in in joint name she’ll have to buy him out or sell. I went though this with my own deadbeat ex.
This is so real I cried I am not healed after 4 years
I am sure that boosted his ego when you poured out your heart to him.
AFTER HE CHIKD GOES OFF TO COLLEGE SHE NEEDS TO GET EVERYTHING SHE CAN PACKED. EMPTY THE BANKS AND GO FAR AWAY. DIVORCE............BUT LIVE FAR AWAY FRM THAT LOSER MAN.
He sounds like an impulsive narcissist. He does not care. It's about him.
Amen to that.. I found out the hard way too. Its hard to get out she has the advantage above many people, including myself. She’s the top breadwinner.
I am going through this EXACT scenario. Except he was $60K in debt. Found out he wasn't going to work for months. Had a mistress of 7 years.. Had insurance on me that I did not know about. He tried to kill me. GET OUT!!!!!! Now he is making the divorce hell. Asking for alimony, even though we had no kids and he had been 'pretending' to go to work. Terrible advice!!! Divorce him NOW. You will be responsible for marital debt. And this guy does not care about his wife. There is no telling what he will do. Allowing the husband to continue living off the woman is TERRIBLE ADVICE!!!!!
Why you have problem with alimony.. Husband pay it all the time.. 99% time.. Even if wife has fault and she cheat..
Also I think your husband didn't wanna divorce you.. And he my love you even now..
You should try to communicate..
@@akhilmahajan9759Her husband's mistress of 7 years would disagree with his interest in the marriage.
@akhilmahajan9759,
He tried to kill her . That doesn’t sound like he loves her. How will that be worked out ? Aren’t men suppose to protect?
@@mineandmine4528 people say lot's of things in anger especially men..
People wants to emotional and vulnerable and when they get vulnerable and express their emotions like anger is also an emotion
Society don't like it because it look bad..
As if women scream at men angrily tell him things look less bad, violent then men scream at women and say something bad..
@akhilmahajan9759,
My questions were not answered, how will that marriage work out if he tried to kill her ? How is it possible that he loves her but tried to end her ?
My father was this man. Run lady! You’re being codependent if you stay ❤
It's over. File for divorce because John is right. He's already left you.
My parents were in the exact same situation. My mom would work, take care of the house, cook, clean, take care of me and my brother, paying the bills, buying groceries, buying our clothes, while my dad got to keep his money and pretend that he s keeping them for us, for when we grow up. One day my mom just divorced him and that s it, she didn t even ask for his money or anything, he just moved out, bought a big house with a big yard and is living the life. He didn't invite us there once, except when he needed help with the renovations. Some people are just nasty human beings.
This was my marriage, he was addicted to buying, didnt matter what it was. Get a secret credit card, run it up, pay the minimum, get another, repeat. Get a secret loan to pay off the cards. Eats out every day - yes exactly the same, wouldnt eat with me and the kids. Tens of thousands on cards, tens more of loans. Confronted him and he just lied about it, didnt want to get divorced, couldnt accept it was a problem. Went to therapy where he was just charming and tried to make out i was exaggerating and it was me being neurotic and 'no fun'. I walked eventually but still havent really got over it, how can men (or women) behave like that. Id have understood more if it was other women. My heart goes out to you Elizabeth, but its not you and youll never fix him. X
My ex was like this too. Never will quite get over it.
There's no 'fixing' him. He's a narcissist. He may be more than just a narcissist.
At least if it was other women or an addiction, you could say he still loved you but fell to the temptation. Instead of, he just doesn't care.
Currently in this boat
All you said is spot on. The behavior is un explainable. You never come to understand why the behavior, what would change it, what to do with it. Its maddening. And its not your fault. And you cant fix it, as you said. It takes SO long to come to terms with all this. Watching videos helped me heal immensely. XXOO
In his mind he is not married...🤦🏾♂️
Four words: run like the wind.
He's cheating on you financially. Best to leave this idiot.
Strip clubs, bottle service, girl friend, and a secret apt.
and men say women rob men off of their money
He is cheating. Divorce his ass. Cut all ties now. PERIOD!
100 %
He’s cheating, divorce him.. at least you have $
After listening to all these situations.. and living through my own.. why the hell would ANYONE get married???!!! 15:19
@@Kathy-qu8zjBecause not all people are horrible. The issue is a lot of us are lonely so we ignore red flags and foolishness then end up in these situations or there’s some evil people who wait until they think they’ve trapped you in marriage to show these things. That being said… not all people are like this and it can be beautiful when both people are healed and act like they have sense.
Amy , I’m sorry you found yourself in my situation to drawl the conclusion that fast yes somethings up. Yes she needs to live him, but it’s completely unfair to come to that conclusion 100% that’s not how life works.. there will be evidence that she will find out assumption without direct knowledge or evidence is unfair to both parties
A man that is behind on child support is a POS. End of story. No excuses to NOT take care of his kids.
Overall I would agree but I have a friend who got himself into trouble with drivving infractions and ended up in prison for year or two. They did not adjust his child support even though he was incarcerated. When he got out he was behind in child support and the state then tacked on interest. He couldn't get a license without paying off the fines but couldn't get to work without a license. This was a domino effect that buried him. When he finally got a job (car pooling) they garnished his wages not only for the normal monthly but also an added amount for the back arrears. Basically he could not afford an apartment and put food in the fridge. It got to the point where he only did side jobs off the books and help with his kids via cash directly to the mom. Which of course does not pay down the back child support. Did he make a some mistakes? Yes. However, the system is broke in a way that he could not recover from that.
@@spyder000069seen this happen tbh
@@spyder000069 You don't go to prison for minor traffic issues.
What type of driving infractions landed him in prison?
Was he a danger to others traveling down those same roads?
@@DrKrysRacquelGetting thrown in prison because you didn't pay traffic fines makes you a POS as well!!!!
@@paulabroadway1697 Its been years but as I recall it started with a dui. Then he got several driving on revoked over time trying to get to job sites (carpenter). I'm sure there was some no insurance, paraphernalia (weed was illegal in illinois at the time), and other driving tickets. Missing work due to rides and couldn't pay insurance and it just domino'd. Basically had a bunch that were all going to come up in court at the same time. As I recall it was going to be a longer combined jail time or he could take a plea and prison time and get out sooner so he went to prison. I would not say he was a danger to others driving but obviously the no insurance part is a problem. However, I am amazed at how many people out there do not have car insurance.
He won't file the papers - and if he did he would make her pay for the lawyer ... She does not need to and she should NOT ask him for the divorce. Leave him. Collect all the data - screen shots of purchases, downloads of statements, write down every conversation you have had about money, timeline of expenses, etc. and get a SHARK lawyer. Don't feel sorry for your husband; he has a problem and it is his responsibility to get treatment for it (and not charge it to you). Get a hard core attorney because that person will protect your money and you. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Caller, please also document everything he's spent money on. Hire an attorney and give all this info to him.
My ex did that. He was a narcissist and was a serial cheater - it won’t change. Just get a divorce.
This "husband" wanted to spend a lot of the money on himself. She has let him become the "4th child". She lets him keep his paycheck while she pays the bills from her paycheck. He is like a disrespectful, insolent teenager who hates the breadwinner but enjoys the money that the breadwinner brings home. What a selfish jerk he is but she turned herself into his doormat.
🎯🎯🎯
I've never been a doormat, never will be, but I found myself in a similar situation as the caller (although we weren't married, but were together for a decade). It's the creeping boil gets ya. Tiny adjustments over years and years.
The rate at which women are starting to out earn men, financially, is historically unprecedented. There's no blue print to follow. The relationship dynamics are drastically different. I can't speak for her, but for myself in hindsight, it's clear that being the breadwinner made it easier for him to manipulate me. My ex was emasculated by my earnings, and he used his wounded, limping masculinity to start endless fights. I found myself paying for things in advance, slowly but more and more, just to avoid the neverending arguments.
Additionally, I think women are universally familiar with the anxiety of a man potentially having financial authority and power over them; in turn, I found myself overcompensating trying to ensure he never felt that way with me. I felt the caller's words in my bones when she said she "never wanted him to feel that."
All of that to say, I never would've thought I could've ended up like that. Not in a million years. But I did. For all the other boss babes out there, remenber us as a cautionary tale.
*”Why would I?”* He’d be speaking to my lawyer. I’m done. 🇨🇦
Yeah I can’t believe anyone would stay beyond that
When we divorced, his credit went down, mine went up. My insurance went down his went up. I kept my maiden name and banked separately. Whew!
I should mention, was married 27 years to a good man. I won't get into why we're not together anymore. I never remarried. He has passed on. So, I will be collecting that spousal benefit from SSA, thanks. I've earned it.
Learn the system ladies, it was there to protect women from,...well...you know.🙏
This is why having joint accounts is insane.
Have a joint account for joint expenses only (mortgage, bills etc) otherwise have your own accounts
I totally agree. That is the lesson many people learn. Usually the hard, VERY hard, way. In a perfect world, it's a no-brainer to combine lives/finances.
However, if you can't form a union with the person you marry, why get married? I get the need to protect yourself since the stats on successful marriages are awful, but maybe there needs to be a balance in regards to protecting yourself and making such a commitment.
In this case, she kept most of her money separate, and they had a joint bank account with $20K in it (less than 15% of her annual income), and arguably that joint account worked as a strong indicator that he can not be trusted. Money well spent IMO.
@@scott4825why? Because people CHANGE. That’s why. Protect your money at all costs.
It’s not insane. It prevents this kind of behavior. It keeps things transparent.
@@Foxie770 transparent meaning no privacy just leaves people open to financial abuse and feeling suffocated, and assuming you aren’t mega rich will ALWAYS be an area of argument within a relationship because there will always be something silly one person wants to spend money on but the other doesn’t, and when you work your ass off full time and someone else can say ‘you can’t spend your money on the thing you want to do’ that’s gonna cause resentment. Same for if someone has a more expensive hobby, or developes an addiction.
It worked back in the olden days where there was a bread winner. But now everyone’s working, so let them spend their money on whatever they want to reward themselves, as long as the joint expenses are also covered who cares what an individual spends their money on.
Divorce him. This is a clear one.
I gasped when he said “why would I” my goodness….
Honestly, watching John's lack of poker face is some of the best stuff about these videos.
Unfortunately, I think this marriage is over. The trust is broken. How could he be so careless and still expect her to be with him?! She asked him if he ever thought about his family while spending over 40 K on "life," and his answer was no why would I? So disgusting. I hope this lady gets through this and will be blessed with a man full of morals and values. She deserves it 🩵
Maybe she doesn't need another man. Sounds like she can manage just fine on her own.
She sounds sweet, especially giving him the excuse that maybe he’s bored at home.
She needs to find her dignity and get the f out.
@@penelope5500 thank you. I was about to say what you did. With all the horror stories, best put God first and live your life. If God presents a person with a true person of morals and integrity, then go for it.
@penelope5500 I agree with you. She needs time alone and to focus on healing, but everyone needs love and partnership in life, so that's why I said what I said.
$40,000 of just frivolous spending? No way, no how. There’s some kind of addiction or secret life he’s hiding. I’m guessing gambling, porn, prostitutes…maybe a combination of multiple things. Either way, he has no remorse, so there isn’t much to save here.
Definately prostitutes. He wants dopamine hits, and sex is high on that.
I work with a lot of wealthy people. It’s very easy to spend that in a year. $3,000 a month. If you’re golfing, going out to eat, buying expensive clothes, expensive alcohol, I’m sure hunting trips. It adds up fast. I’m in Atlanta and some golf courses charge hundreds to play a round.
@@sheldavidson I guess I shouldn’t say it can’t be done, but it seems virtually impossible to hide that kind of spending from your spouse, whether your finances are combined or not. That’s more than just spending money; that’s an entire lifestyle. How would she not know about that? That’s why I say there’s probably something that he CAN hide that just hasn’t come to light yet.
I had a relative who s wife made most of the money. He asked us to come over to help move his stuff from the house. They were selling it. Legal separation not divorce. Looking thru stuff in a storage room we found hundreds of bags of stuff. Receipt s still in then bags. None of it made sense. For example, She had bought /12 pair of water shoes. They had three kids? Clothing never worn. Brand new. It was crazy. He was so heartbroken. He just wanted it gone. We told him to have a yard sale.. He had no money and no job. He was SOL. Easily n_$30 to $40K worth of new stuff still in the bags just tossed in this back room. I think they call it a buying addiction.
If he was taking cash advances on his credit cards then you wouldn't know where he was spending his money on unless there are receipts. You can't trace the cash.
She needs to leave. There are sooooo many ways a dishonest person can hide spending, you mentioned one. My friends ex-wife did the following: went to Walmart and would take $100 in cash when she bought groceries. Walmart used to have that service in my area. So it would show up like she spent $132 at Walmart when in reality it was only $32. It took several years before he really noticed the lack of food in the house vs how much she was spending. She’d taken tens of thousands for her gambling addiction.
It sounds like he wasn't doing that with his credit cards themselves, but he took out 10K from their savings and 7K from his 401K. Additionally, she is paying the bills except for "groceries" (doubt he is actually doing the grocery shopping, so some groceries maybe), and he is keeping his paycheck. So he probably has 40-50K to spend in fun money each year.
If he showed any contrition over this, or shame, that would be one thing. I’ve absolutely had moments in my marriage where I wasn’t managing things right, and I remedied them by taking initiative, paying off debt, and making more money. I over communicate the money to my wife now, to the point she’s kinda tired of me talking about it 🙃. And I’m putting major cash into savings now to make sure we are never in that place again. Cause I knew I wanted us to be ok, my kids to be ok, and I had to make that happen. But $40k in a year? And no remorse? This guy is checked OUT.
Dr. John is spot on. My ex was playing teenage stepson. He treated our kids like they were his younger siblings, then they would act like I was an unreasonable stepmother. So now we have a mini me and a daddy’s girl and our oldest and myself have PTSD. He was so two faced I’m just grateful that the kids have good morals. Like you say they destroy the marriage but you’re the one who has to end it. Likely they are just having too much fun.
He lacks. Not you. He lacks integrity. Character. Virtue. DIGNITY.
Divorce him. DO NOT WAIT.
She needs to make sure she doesn't end up on Forensic Files!😮😢
Addicted to that show on Pluto. Love the Narrator.
See a lawyer immediately, freeze everything. Get out!!!!!
Get out before it grows to $80,000. That was my story. Had the tendencies throughout the marriage to spend on himself but not at the scale in the last two years. Divorced him. We were required to share the debt and I bought him out of the house. He walked away with a fair amount of cash and had it all spent in short order. Like John said - he felt dead inside.
my first spouse pulled a number on me like this too, after a few years of incessant, impulsive shopping, he started running up credit cards, including one joint card that he maxed out within a week of me moving out. I was stuck paying that off to protect my good credit, which I needed to start over and get my own place. 20 years have passed, i moved on and did better for myself. He is still exactly the same. Some men are just total BUMS!
I just thanked my husband of 37 years for not ditching me for a newer model. He has always had my back and would never in a million years say what your husband said to you. I have to also add that when I told him thanks, he looked at me weird and said why would I, had to explain the crazy people that I watch on RUclips...not that you are crazy but your (future Ex) hubs sure is cray cray!
*SHE'S TAKING TOO LONG, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, HE'S WITH YOU FOR THE SALARY YOU MAKE!! Divorce him ASAP!! Him saying he does not thing about the family is freaking nuts! YOU DON'T NEED HIS SIGNATURE FOR DIVORCE! And why, WHY would you want to age with an asshole! Lady, cut your losses and plan a peaceful life for yourself!*
It sounds like her husband is just there for what he can get. He doesn’t seem to be participating in the marriage but he’s got a roof over his head and every other damn thing he wants except self-respect.
The main issues are being nonchalant about his family's financial future, the deception and secrecy. 40K out of 200K a year for his play-money...there is still quite a hefty 160K left over. From what the wife said, it doesn't sound like the money itself being spent is a major issue since it didn't sound like they are struggling to make ends meet, but the lies, lack of emotional connection towards her and the kids, lack of transparent communication...huge issue.
Yeah, all of that. Even with an income that can take that blow, 40k is no joke, especially for one partner's secret play money. That's almost a quarter of the income and definitely a big chunk out of college tuition support for 3 kids.
Such wild disrespect and short-term thinking going on here.
200k is pre tax
It’s debt. It’s not spent out of salary. He is taking on debt, meaning the other money is already gone or being hidden.
My mom did this repeatedly throughout my dad’s 40 year marriage. She passed away in 2011. Because of her incessant financial infidelity, he is also 80 years old still working a big box retailer. He can’t afford to quit.
That’s terrible. 😢
I'm so sorry about that.
To be fair, it was because he accepted it.
@@ineedhoezExactly
Oh that’s terrible 🙁
I'm sorry but I've been married 25 years and my wife just went back to work part-time last year (after 23 years of being stay at home mom; because our kids are grown now). I couldn't imagine messing with my wife's budget like this and having to look her in the face and give her some callous answer. No, something is going on - you can't love someone and then hurt them and act like you don't care. Now I see what happened at 15:50- she is partially responsible for creating this man child- scary thing is this idiot husband will probably get alimony if she divorces him because she makes more and we have a sucky legal system.
She's partially responsible?
Because she was footing the bills making mire money than him?
Is that a gender thing or are men who make more money than their wife and pay the bills partially responsible, too, if their wife goes on a shopping spree with their college funds and retirement money?
If it's a gender thing this would mean women could never marry a man who makes less money than them.
@@shortbread445 - not about gender, she enabled him 100
My take: I know Dr John is trying to be nice but he needs to prepare this lady for the inevitable. That money just didn’t evaporate he is setting up a life elsewhere for when he makes his exit, as far as he’s concerned the “kids” are adults and his parenting responsibilities is over. He has left the marriage already.
My heart breaks for her. Im sorry to say these betrayals will not stop UNLESS he sees he needs help & gets it. 💔😢
1) NEVER marry a man with children if you have none.
2) When you marry and combine finances, even if the man is the primary breadwinner and paying the bills DO NOT stop paying attention. If they cannot handle things you need to step in.
3) Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you twice. LEAVE
NEVER marry a woman with children if you have none. Why just men? Why not include BOTH??
Never get married!
I was married for 12 years and my husband kept saying his life was none of my business. Meanwhile he was siphoning off all of my savings and putting it into OffShore accounts,untraceable. He tried to kill me for money after he stole my entire life savings in my house.get out and get out now and get a great lawyer that you can trust. I got a corrupt lawyer and ended up losing big time that way as well. I have come to realize he sought me out, and I was a business deal to him. The only reason he married me was for financial gain. I always made more than him, and I became his slave and mommy. Meanwhile, he didn’t care about me and tried to kill me for an insurance policy after he drained everything that I had worked for.
I am so sorry that happened to you
Wow! That's horrible! Hope you are doing OK now.
@@camellia8625 Thank you.
@@SMtWalkerS I started a non-profit to help others who have gone through what I have.
@@sonseraedesigns7167 What a positive response to something cruel and evil. Respect to you.
Clear the accounts, divorce.
One thing to look for: many services related to "adult entertainment" have a permit or name that allows them to charge as a regular business, ie, a grocery store, a golf club... 👀
Oooops
Believe always the actions, forget the excuses and the talk.
This is why I'm single and will never have a joint bank account again. The same thing happened to me but not at this level.
Happened to me too. Never again.
me too
I've met guys like this (and been married to one). He's intimidated by the fact that she's a bigger earner.. ego thing. He feels emasculated
Nothing to do with intimidation. Ofc most men would feel emasculated being with a women who makes more. It’s in our nature to want to be the breadwinner and it is what most women r attracted to. We want to provide for our women and family. Men need to be the breadwinner and in the leadership role or the relationship will fail most likely.
@@maskedentrepreneur22then work to earn more, don’t marry her, or deal with it. And tbh there’s little protection from a guy who thinks his role is defined by his earnings-and it does reek of insecurity and instability, crucial flaws in a provider/leader
He doesn't feel emasculated, he feels lucky that he has a cash cow. Avoids his responsibilities and she picks up the pieces.
Not every man feels emasculated. My ex said his dream was for me to make 6 figures so he wouldn’t have to work any more. Lol. I said not in a million years as you do essentially zero at home. We even had to pay for a lawn person as his knee hurt. But he could hike. Lol The last three years he made about 10k a year and finally left me and my daughter to move back to his hometown to relive his high school years. He was 53. 😅
@@sheldavidson man child!
He knows that when they divorce, the money wagon will be gone. He is trying to "live it up" before she catches on.
Elizabeth, I had the same marriage for 30 years I’ve got him out of our home two years ago, it’s worth the pain and chaos you’ll experience in the short term. You will be happier without this burden.
He’s telling you he doesn’t want to be your partner and has too weak a character to be a mature adult. He’s not going to change. You deserve better.
My question is why did she marry him when he already had back payments on child support? She's so confused that he's taken money from his kids when he already had neglected his previous obligations?
I know people who have married worse. I think people, especially women due to the window on child-bearing years, think being single is worse than being married to a criminal. Prosecuted crime or not.
He probably told her some really convincing lies.
Man that doesn't pay child support. Not worth marrying. Bcs, that behaviour alone. Shoews he has no committment.
John asked: "is he being a coward or is he emasculated?" Definitely a coward. The sweet lady doesn't seem controlling or unreasonable. I think deep inside of her she knows that's "who" her husband is and this is over, but some parts of her still want to save this, thus this call.
Disagree. He doesn't pay any BILLS 😮 He doesn't take decisions😮 she already out earns him and she still works many many extra hours? What for? Why is he there for?
@@user-qp2qe5gf9b Then I guess these men need to suffer the consequences
Or both.. the guy sounds like a manchild.. the caller is sweet and not controlling, sure, but she sounds more like a mom.. having a husband who doesn’t contribute to the bills but groceries?
Ruuuuuuuuun. You’ll find someone else. That someone else will be way better than him. Know this and you’ll be strong enough to go and stay done.
See an attorney asap before dealing with him further. And get paperwork done asap to prevent further spending that you are responsible for
I’m starting to believe that some men suffer (maybe at their own hands) over not-being the primary bread winner.
I never cared if a woman made more than me, honestly I prefer it. I’m only $15k short of $100k and I live in a very low cost of living area. However, having experience dating women who do make more, it does come with some caveats. I was in a 4.5 year relationship that ended last summer with a woman who made double what I made when we started dating (I was making less than I do now). The money tells the story. She wears the pants, because she pays the lions share of the bills. Also, I know several breadwinner or head of household women that would prefer not to be. Child rearing/raising and having to go make all the money and run the household is mentally and physically exhausting for them. The high stress nature of the role can wear on them over time.
It’s a different kind of challenge for women. I know my fair share of women who would happily give up breadwinner duties to the husband to work a more relaxing and fun job. Breadwinner money is no easy task, because the breadwinner does pay the lions share of the bills. You always have to think about budgets and life creep.
Ofc they do because it is the role that men should be naturally and the role they have been in since the beginning of time. Most women r not attracted to a guy that makes less than them and want them to be the breadwinner and if there not will not respect them and leave them. It’s biology, all these switched roles r why there so many divorces nowadays, the natural order is how it should be.
@@williamr4053no wonder u can’t hold down a relationship because women will not respect a man who makes less than them and, ur a beta male lol, preferring a women to make more than you lol is embarassing. Ofc the women in the breadwinner role would not want to be it’s biology. Men need to be the head of the household and that’s how the relationship works the best, if the women is in the leadership role she will lead alright, the relationship to the end🤣. Ur way to feminine buddy grow some balls
@@maskedentrepreneur22 most women I know that are breadwinners came from broken homes. Their Dad’s were either not around or were around in a limited capacity. They saw their mother struggle and they didn’t want that for themselves, so they always went out and chased success and earning potential. The majority of women I know that are doing a career that they love, and aren’t breadwinners in their relationships/marriages came from 2 parent households where the Dad led the family financially, and was still respectful to his girlfriend/wife.
I grew up lower middle class and was mostly poor. My Mom was never meant to be head of household and it showed. She had no idea how to be the breadwinner and run a household. It was too much for her. She was always meant to subsidize a partners income, but sadly my mother was never successful in love.
I think is always hard when one person makes more than the other and a person pays for more it creates recentment. At the beggining of a relaitonship is always good to talk about financial expectations.I like my man to make more money than me I think is sexy but my man also wants me to be financially independent. So we had long conversations about our finances until we got to a good pplace it takes work and a lot of communication. But if you dotn tallk about finaces with your spouse at some point is going to be a problem. Also I know Dr. John doesnt liek prenups but when you do a prenup it helps you to see how they are with money, and you have to give full disclosure of your finances so you can see exactly what the person has or doesnt have. Things are never black and white in a relationship everyone is different.
Think the husband is acting like a jerk to sabotage the marriage. He wants out. He just doesn’t know about how to go about doing it. And then he’ll plays rhe victim later. Sadly I know this behavior. Hopefully you don’t see the narcissist I saw. Sending you light 💫✨💫 ⭐️⭐️⭐️BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE…. priceless Dr John
She needs to consult an attorney immediately and file for divorce ASAP.
It probably makes him feel powerful since she earns more and he feels less than.
Could being living a double life . Been with same person 48 years and in last few years foundout alot of crazy . So confused to think Al aws good but it's not😢
Very sorry.
She’s lucky they didn’t have join accounts. He would have spent all her money as well.
Glad she knows what is going on now.
She is still clueless, she hasn't done a Lien Search to see if husband has cashed out equity on their home.
The longer they are married after he takes out this debt, the stronger a case is made for that being marital property and not a catalyst for their divorce. It is horrible advice to tell her that he needs to file the paperwork. She needs to end this and protect herself and her children’s financial future. This man does not care about taking her down with him. She is the breadwinner and makes more money and he is committing financial infidelity and is putting her entire future at risk. She needs to leave yesterday.
He wants to be married on his terms, and he knows she will eventually just settle.
I had a professor tell me when a client reports they feel like they feel "crazy" look for addiction around them because addicts make the people around them crazy. In my practice, that proved true many many times
someone who owes money in child support is a red flag as it is.
Not necessarily. If some whacko judge has terms you dont like, then i have no problem if they dont pay it.
Yeah not necessarily.. he might’ve screwed up and paid the ex personally for the kids for years, but it’s not on paper for the judge so the woman can lie and make him pay it all again.
@@TigerSeven86 in some cases yeah, but majority of the time, someone's past actions will show what they will do in the future, most people of good character do not put themselves in that position
@@Chet_24if you dislike the terms, you legally challenge the decision. Choosing just not to pay only harms your child and further works against you
@@TigerSeven86then that’s on him for not paying on paper 🤷♀️
Dr John is good medicine. Bless this lady.
Yeahhh, I was all for trying to work it out until the "I pay all the bills" part.
Ma'am...leave this...child. He has been ALLOWED to act like a teenager with a summer job for spending money and given his mother's credit card for fun. He is taking advantage of you. And you seem to have little self worth. Women let men run wild/be Peter Pan when they think they don't deserve better or can't get better.
This man needs to be told he has to pay bills. He needs to be given an allowance and a bill to pay back what he has STOLEN. He will leave, I'm sure. He is a child, not a man. He will resent you for changing the game and making him adult. He's probably only with you for the free ride.
But if it were me, I would get out while I'm still relatively young and have plenty of life ahead of me....to not waste with this manchild.
@CCBBAA Wow. Excellent comment!
Actions speak louder than words
@Catmandoo Yeah, and they are screaming at her!🤣🤣
Never have a blended family!! One parent is always gonna play favorites with their kids over yours.
That's just not true. I'm nit saying it doesn't happen, just that you can't generalize it on an experience or an opinion. We have a blended family(started 20 years ago), and yes there were many issues, but he has always loved my children the same and I now have a great relationship with his.
It's doable, but it IS work, and you have to be in it for real AND for the long haul.
Also, you have to be self aware of being the adult and trying to do what's best for the children, the family and not just reacting to how you 'feel'.
Again, hard....but very doable.
@@aprilarnold7042 that’s great to hear. Just make sure to not put off getting your Will done.
Ma’am it’s time to call it. The last child is about to be out the house. Enjoy your new single life!
Took me 23 yrs. Best move I ever made. It’s great to come up for air.
24 for me…🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Maybe I'm the only one but I could totally see how $40k could be racked up in 12 months from golf lessons, clothes, hunting equipment - prices for things have really gone up in the past few years (as everyone knows) and I just don't think it would take long to rack up $40k from random purchases like that
Exactly, its not hard at all.
That is not the only problem. There's LOTS wrong here.
But this is a sudden change
You know what you want and need to do, lady! You deserve someone with equal input
She needs a lawyer fast a quietly
He Is a lot worse than a cheater you don't deserve him, go away from him now!
My heart goes out to her. What a complete pos. So sad.
I was in this married 'situation'. He chose me because I had a full time job that he could benefit from in an abusive way by making it seem like I am 'in control' of the finances by leaving me to organize the bills and by saying things like "it's up to you" while he waltzes out the door to go play golf or to the movies with his friends while embezzling as much money as he can from the marriage while I work 60 hours a week. His family encouraged him to do it and he admitted it in the end that the marraige was nothing but an entire sham, that he never intended to stay married because it was nothing more than a temporary means of sexual and financial exploitation. I had the body and the income.
“ She makes the majority of the money”. Of course he wants stay with you for your money”. Dump him ASAP! Listen back to this call. Run and run fast
He’s cheating and I suspect you know it ma’am. I’m so sorry.
Yup!
Some of these women are more worried about saving face and keeping up a facade instead of doing what they know they need to do.
"Why would I? "
I call I can say to myself is this marriage was over a long time ago and she's just now finding out.