Girl, let him rest... and don't feel bad for not showing up all the time for events. I think she cares too much about what people thinks and not enough of what her spouse thinks and needs.
I agree with you, sounds like he is always stuck with the kid. Not her, she goes off by herself, doing her own thing. Sounds like she is spoiled and selfish. Why did she have a kid, if she does not want to be around him. right?
@@dabd8175I think that’s a reach.. I think she doesn’t respect him and thinks he’s lazy for simply not wanting to go to social events he doesn’t enjoy. They just need to compromise my wife and I are the same way I’m not big on going out and doing things but occasionally I come out because it makes her happy and vice versa.
The best advice my Gramma has given me is if you want to go - go. If your partner doesn’t want to go - go alone. If you are too uncomfortable to go alone - figure it out. But it’s never okay to expect someone to do what you want to do.
The introverts always accomodate the extroverts, never the other way around. I had a relationship where my ex gf was extroverted and expected me to come to everything, then get unhappy when she could tell I wasn't enjoying it. It's exhausting.
Not true at all! I had no social life my entire marriage (17 years) until we moved closer to MY husbands “friends” . I was a social butterfly until I married him. Not talking smack but just sayin.
@@stk5536 he didn’t like going to any events, didn’t want to socialize w my side of family, I was young, didn’t understand that I can speak up for myself. If I married now- I would have been a lot less lenient towards stupidity and the weaker minded spouse.
@@stk5536 well ya. How am I going to show up to a couples evening without my “half” ?! Does that make any sense? We’re Christian, all our events are “marriage” centered, except I have a husband who 17 years later “wants to hang out” and he depleted me of all of my prior friends.
It's not control issues, it's a woman that has too much masculine energy and treats her husband as the feminine in the relationship and he isn't having that.
@@creedhayman5953 I partially agree - I do get some of that, but also just see some narcissism showing. It's all about what she wants and expects. No compromise, no talk about how she is trying to meet her husband's needs/requests, just asking John to validate her and tell her she isn't being too demanding.
She’s doing this to make herself look good, but nothing looks good about dragging an unhappy spouse somewhere they clearly don’t want to be. My husband is this guy, and once I accepted that I would be going to most things by myself, it was good for both of us. I’m just honest with people nowadays when they ask where he is, I say “He’s at home watching football. This isn’t his thing.” The people who matter understand, the world hasn’t fallen off its axis yet, and we have a wonderful marriage.
My ex never wanted to go with me to see my family. Eventually he just stopped coming altogether. One of my brother’s friends actually told me she doubted I actually had a husband, that when I mentioned him, she thought I was into a delusion about some imaginary person. 😂
@@annoravetz5188- that is exactly the reason why the caller wants her husband in every gathering: to avoid other people’s comments. But she is not brave like you. I feel sorry for caller’s husband.
“I totally understand that he needs his downtime.” Which is why you drag him to events he doesn’t want to be at and ditch him for your friends while he wrangles your kid the whole time? Yeah, that’s one understanding wife right there.
No it’s she would show up to anything for him and she wants him to do the same . It’s not that she don’t understand that he has needs , it’s why won’t he don’t the same for me that I do for him when asked . This is completely normal . My husband and I didn’t go through this 11 years in because we don’t have a social life 😂 and have 4 kids but meeting someone needs is not always easy
@@marissathomas9327 Her "showing up for him" would be staying home with him and/or not nagging him about staying home. The fact that she (and now you) framed it *only* in the context of going out proves a profound lack of understanding of his point of view and feelings. He doesn't enjoy going out. He doesn't want her to "show up" with a trip outside of the house.
Totally….im exhausted thinking about being married, having a 4 year old & working full time and then doing this stuff. I love my single life with all my free time.
As someone who works, hates weddings (primarily the dressing up part) and who is not sociable, there needs to be a medium ground here. How many weddings do these people find to go to!!
💯especially if your spouse is a social butterfly. Mine loves to arrive at a party early and be the last one standing, or go from one gathering to another which is torture for me. Especially if I have to socialize and mingle with large groups of complete strangers. He eventually learned that for introverts like me, gatherings like this are exhausting and meeting large groups of strangers is mentally draining. So he's learned not to invite me to ones where he knows that I don't know anyone else and that he'll be spending hours just shooting the breeze. If anyone asks where I am, he'll tell them I'm busy, which I usually am. And I agree to go to the occasional work-related parties and gatherings and parties and dinners of people we both know.
Yes and no. I'm an extreme introvert, and I get kind of depressed when I have to go to things without my husband because I don't have to be the social butterfly and interact with other people when I can create a bubble with him. I can't get out of going to certain events, but people exhaust me. Also, it's kind of lonely to be that person that everybody asks, "Where's your husband?" and looks at you with pity -- "Oh, poor them, they're always alone at these things."
Making your partner go to events when they don't want to or are exhausted is awful. Always prioritise your spouse (within reason). She is punishing him for his feelings. I would be so mad if my husband forced me to do this kind of stuff. She is being really dismissive and controlling. He just wants a day to himself, poor guy 😢
This is the double standard. I would never force any of my family members to do something they don’t want. I will ask and try to convince them though but ultimately I wouldn’t enjoy it if they don’t enjoy being there. Ultimately love is sacrificing your needs within reason and hopefully the partner does the same. Then they would do it willingly rather than being forced to. Example: I do thing I don’t like for my mother bc she sacrificed so much for me
Sounds like he needs a break from watching their toddler. This case is so common among couples with little ones. Dr Delony's advice is the best. I have been married 10 yrs and after 3 kids I have learned to always verb my needs and desire to my husband and how I would feel if things dont happen liwk that. I also offer my help and presence when he needs me. I have also learned from him to address any actions I dont like immediately in a calm manner; It has helped to avoid and potential resetment. I do need to learn to forgive better and working on that bc we aren't perfect.
@3Torts They only have your babies, risking their lives for your legacy and progeny. Such a stupid statement. Both men and women can be equally selfish and narcissistic.
The minute she said, “When I ALLOWED him not to show up , it’s embarrassing.” I knew immediately that the problem was her. Who does she think she is? She cares about what other people think but they more than likely care less about her husband being there. I’m tired of women acting like loving relationships are only about them. Grow up.
@@lynnebucher6537 That’s a good possibility. It’s just ridiculous that she thinks she runs him as a man. There can only be one man in the relationship. Man & wife are supposed to respect each other; not rule over one another.
Girl, let him be. Mine was the same especially the beginning our relationship (I'd say the first 12 years) and now he's a bit different. But I never forced him to come to places with me if he didn't want to. And 17 years later, most of the other people (to whose events I went to) aren't even in my life anymore, but he still is ❤ Now, he wants ME to go everywhere with him. 😂
Poor husband is practically a single dad and then he has to tag along to her friends events rather than get the rest he needs after a full week of work and childcare. She needs to get a grip on reality and at least get their kid in a daycare.
NO. Daycare is the absolute worst place to put a child. Don’t believe me? Read the book “being there”. She goes deep into the science behind why kids are NOT made for that kind of environment.
@@samanthaquant7411As a retired teacher that spent 12 yrs. in a school that had children from 18 mos. through 8th grade, I totally agree. The school was easily the best in our county, but daycare is not a place for young children. How many mothers could do a good job with 6 children under the age of 7, let alone 6 from 18 months to 3 years old?
I understand the naysayers on daycare, but it saved my career and my life as a mom when I relented to finding daycare for my son. I worked a demanding full time WFH job while my son was 3-10 months old. I had help about 12-16 hours out of the work week. The other 28-24 hours I prayed he would nap and I would get my quotas done during the time the babysitter was over. I was miserable, resentful, ashamed for (I felt like) failing at both being an employee and mother, and stressed out of my mind. I dreaded every day and the weekends weren’t a break either because new baby. When my son turned 10 months, I felt ready for him to go to daycare and knew he needed more than I could give him at that point. He LOVES daycare and his teachers, and I didn’t expect it. He’s a much more social kid than I ever was, and he needs that interaction. I love seeing him flourish in his class. He’s now 16 months. We’re working hard now so I can be a stay at home mom someday, but for now it’s a necessity, and I’m a good mother and employee again.
Not really, kids are a responsibility, doing whatever you want end the moment you get married and have them, especially if the partner isn’t very compatible.
Wait, wait, she is a firefighter! Get out of the dark ages. A whole big bunch of women do important, strenuous, well-paid work APART from all the work they do at home.
She is afraid to say no to invited. She would be surprised how many of these people who invited you do not expect you to say yes. They just don't want to insult you by not inviting you. I was like him for years. Then one weekend, we were invited to a block party. My wife accepted. We were supposed to bring a dish to share. I made a dish. Took a shower, got ready and my wife is laying in bed watching TV. She looks at me and asked, would you be mad if I don't go. I don't feel like socializing. I was honest. I told her I never wanted to go in the first place so there I am, the only one going. I was not mad she did not want to go, I was mad she committed and I was stuck going alone. She almost never will.go to anything I am invited to. She always goes if it is her friends. I finally just opted out. I don't know most of her friends and find their spouses shallow and boring.
I think Phil is being too nice and not honest. It sounds like she drops her role as a parent when she’s around her friends. He’s essentially at these events to be a babysitter. He can do that at home instead of in a stressful place like an event. He can’t enjoy himself with his friends or with her friends because he either becomes her son or a babysitter. This is sad.
Totally. I would start saying “Sure, I’ll go…but you’re in charge of babysitting.” Then run off and hang out with his friends and see how she likes spending the whole time wrangling their toddler.
@@texasdazzlers Yeah, I didn't get a real good feeling about this lady. How about she doesn't expect that he go to every event.? And the ones he does go to, they split the duties. This time you take care of the kid, next time I'll be in charge.
Just hire a babysitter! You both have great jobs, I’m pretty sure you can afford it. I don’t think it’s a finance issue, I bet it’s a “the wife doesn’t trust anyone else” issue.
If a man were ditching his wife & leaving her with the kids, people would be outraged. He needs downtime! How do you watch a small child & work? Why isn’t the kid in daycare or have a babysitter? This woman is clueless!
She works 24 hours on and 48 off. She likely handles the childcare during the 48 hours she has off. That does not equate to him never getting a break. In fact, she's likely in the same boat! They either are working or handling the kid.
@@brettemiller8046 True. But trying to work and watch a young child is double hard work. At least when she is at work she does not have to worry about what the kid is doing.
Notice, HE is chasing their kid at social events, not her. She just needs him there to babysit. Plus show up with him to tick the social box. Meanwhile, she enjoys the event. What a considerate wife!
I’m sure the husband is happy they called in. Glad to see all the support he is getting! Sis calm down and let that man rest. Most women would kill for a man who actually pulls his weight with the kids. And he is ok with you going to these parties by himself. She needs to listen to this call back. Dragging your husband to events he doesn’t like AND making him watch the child is not a date. Sounds selfish
14:28 "What are your needs here?" If she was honest she would answer - My needs are for him to fulfill everything I want AND to pretend that he likes it - that is to say I want him to do everything I want him to do and at a same time I wont recognize that he sacrificed anything for me - so I don't owe any reciprocity.
Notice now how self centered and selfish partners now use the jargon of this is my "need", like going to a wedding under those circumstances matter as a "need". Ridiculous
I've had gf leverage I "need" to feel important to you. Consider this while I spend most of my free time with her and spent days helping do labor at her house like ripping off wallpaper, glue, and then priming and painting. Do that on my days off then have her go it feels like you Don't care when you then don't want to buy me dinner
A wedding is one thing, but why are you inviting him to these “girls nights” if he’s not interested and those aren’t his friends? Why are y’all making him feel bad for just being himself?
I don't even have kids and when he said "I just want a day to myself" I FELT THAT. I love my family, love my gf, but some days I just wish i could sit isolated on an island maybe with a few of the guys for one day.
As an introvert I’m listening to this thanking god for my equally introverted boyfriend. I start every invitation with “now I know you’re probably not going to want to go, but I’ll invite you anyway, no pressure to say yes” 😂
It’s a different world for introverts as you probably know. When my husband and I first were married, I was very extroverted and he was introverted. I wanted to go to parties, host parties, etc. and he wanted none of it so a lot of compromises on both sides. I’ve struggled with medical issues now for several years and have become like an introvert in the sense I don’t do as much because I don’t feel well a lot. So it’s given me an understanding (sort of) to the thinking of an introvert.
I really like this comment because the best definition of introvert extrovert I’ve heard is it’s a matter of energy. Extroverts derive their energy from outside sources/people and introverts from themselves. I’ve seen introverts can enjoy themselves at an event put on a friendly mingling face but NEED that time to decompress afterwards and replenish that energy. I could see an illness can totally drain someone’s energy so I really like your analogy
Exactly. She’s super inconsiderate as his partner but really made this call like she can’t put this together using common sense. And can’t I guess bc she’d have to be able to consider him to understand why he feels how he feels but she only thinks of herself. Sign #2 she’s selfish af.
This is about showing off to her people how domesticated he is. Her building contempt for her husband is a threat to the marriage. It's also Affair Bait. He need his balls to drop.
This is why I don't like going places with my husband, because I can take care of the kids at home. Why should I get all dressed up to do that when I can be in the comfort of my own home.
As a single person - this is why I'm single. I'm an introvert. People wear me out. I love those days when I have no reason to leave the house. I don't want anyone in my house when I'm home. I feel for you Phil.
My husband and I are both introverts - most of our social events are common friends we had made together, or family events. We are each other’s best friends - when he doesn’t want to do something (and visa versa), the people around us, understand. And if they don’t understand, they don’t deserve to be social with.
Being an introvert is so damn exhausting 🙄 I just started telling people to google the subject because I’m so tired of having to explain why I say no to things. I feel for you, Phil! 😟
He's an introvert and she's an extrovert. But I can see her point of view if she shows up without the husband she probably gets 1000 questions. One answer: NANNY!!! And no more wrangling kids at a wedding!
@ you think it’s weird that some people don’t understand what an introvert is? Or that I feel the need to explain that it’s my personality and not to take it as rejection :/
@@Nancyk314 I’m an introvert. I think it’s weird that you’re using it as a crutch and doing the most non-introvert thing you can by explaining to people this personal trait about yourself. Grow up.
I’ve been in this situation. I used to drag my introvert husband to events when we were dating and first got married. He was miserable and it often ruined the event for both of us. Everyone would be asking what was wrong with him. Eventually we realised 1. I was happier going on my own to most things. 2. Not every invitation had to be accepted. Over the years i’ve also realised I went to events out of a sense of duty, especially family things even when I didn’t feel like it. Now I no longer feel the need to be at everything nor do I care what anyone says. Plus hubs is happier at home resting on weekends. I hope they come to a happy medium.
He is being bulldozed. My husband has done this to me, it never goes well. Go by yourself if you just want to chat and act child free. If I’m on kid duty, leave me at home. lol Don’t say it’s a family outing if you aren’t going to participate in the family duties…
@@ChrisAndCatsI agree with the give and take. There is nothing wrong with supporting your spouse by attending an event they want you to go to. I just wouldn’t expect it all the time.
I found your channel about a week ago and have been binge watching ever since. I am 69 yo and I have learnt so much about myself and life since watching you. Thank You.
Some extroverts like her think that everyone should be like them. It’s exhausting. You don’t have to be attached to the hip just because you are married.
@@Arggggggggg right? And then his example of something hard for him was her taking alone time at the lake to go fishing when they were there with HER COUSIN, then wanting to go get their car alone after he'd been with their kid all day and the son wanted to be with her... She's taking what he has specifically been asking for and not leaving any of it for him.
She says she's "allowed" him to sometimes not go?? Oh boy. I wouldn't say that to my wife, and she's certainly not talking to me that way. No matter how much he does, if he doesn't do EVERYTHING she wants, he doesn't care about her?
It's a case of being an introvert vs extrovert. It's a compromise, he doesn't need to go to EVERY event, just the ones that matter. I'm an introvert so I'm on his side... give me my peace and crowded places do not sound fun
To her, every social event matters… because she can’t say no, and she has “fun” at the events. And why wouldn’t she? She gets to actually have fun w/o chasing a child around AND show off her family while she gets to party. She gets him to come and check the box for social affirmation that her life is perfect in front of her friends.
Wow John! You put into word what i have been feeling for 20 years. You dont like who your wife becomes when she is there. I never realized that was my issue
@@striving1 how can someone tell someone else something that they cannot explain? Whatbindaid is that he put into words what I was feeling. Now that I know, if I don't tell her would be the problem. In relation to good relationships being valued, we have been married for over 20 years, so we have fought for our relationship
I broke if off with a GF who wanted me to go out all the time...I was one year into running a newly launched business (a restauraunt) and was TIRED. Going out was the last thing I wanted becauae I was put dealing with people 12 hours a day. She had a desk job that she didn't like or put a lot of effort into, so she couldn't relate. Half of the time I felt like she wanted to parade me about like a status symbol: 'look I have someone' and it got real old real fast.
Yes u can’t run a successful business always running around … trust I know my fiance was just starting his electric company and we had date nights inside for like 6 months straight but now I don’t want for nothing wherever I wanna go I just make the plans he takes care of the rest
I kind of believe that when you are really invested in trying to grow a new business, it may not be the best time to be in a relationship. If you are not both on the same page with the priority being to grow the business, it will cause strife.
@@melstarr1864 a relationship is a distraction . People hate the truth about it but that’s facts ! When u are in a relationship u have to think for and about 2 people not just u ! If ur the man women look to u to lead if ur the women ur man is looking to u to take care of the household… yes it can be done but only with people who understand and appreciate the importance of successful entrepreneurship and full support
The spouse is not a Siamese twin that goes with you everywhere. Each person needs their own life also. That’s ok. My wife won’t even go to a concert of a group that she likes let alone to one that I like but that’s OK. I have no issue buying a ticket and going alone. I have a great time. I learned to have my own life (alone either “our life”) after my dad died in 2015. He never did anything because Mom would not do anything.
I do couples therapy, and I detect some transference here with JD - I love the show, but he may not be the best therapist to tackle this one - it hits too close to home. This is 100% a problem of *expectations,* in this case, those of an extrovert vs. an introvert. When you have kids? Spare time is a scarce & valuable resource. Let him stay home to enjoy it, and you can brag about what a great wife you are (which will actually be true). And let's be honest, "showers" are events invented *by* women *for* women. No man you'd want to marry would willingly attend a "Jack & Jill" or a "Gender Reveal." And I'm a woman saying this.
I picked up on that transference too! And honestly unless the shower is going to be held in a bar with some food, I would never drag a guy to that. I did go to a coed shower in a bar with food and had a great time, and I am female. It was more like a big get together and party, with real food.
I’m thinking he’s trying to make them feel they are not alone and that this happens to many marriages. I’m not a therapist but I don’t see transference.The wife sounds like it’s all about her..
Lionforaday - You do couples therapy? Then you go on to say pretty much what the Doc was saying to them. AND.... you are a smart lady and have probably figured out that the Doc was using "himself and his wife's situation as an example".... to take the heat down for both of them and letting them not take this as personal or a fault so they can stay open and respond as honestly as this phone counseling can allow them to. As time has gone on.... I have seen that he is better under these time constraints & not seeing his callers or talking to him any longer than he is able to.... he is better than I origionally thought he was.
A balance needs to be reached here . He needs to show up in important events and she needs to go alone in others . An extreme on either end will lead to resentment
He also work from home + take care of kids alone because wife is not at home + do house chores What she do only work for herself.. She wants him to go in events so that he take care of kids in event and she can enjoy freely.. She is selfish here..
@@akhilmahajan9759So, basically he does what women normally do, but when a woman says she is tired from working, taking care of kids and doing most of the house work, we are told that we should be happy.
It’s telling how she says that she respects the fact that he works remote and looks after their kid and needs his weekends to rest and recover but if she really respected she wouldnt be making this an issue. It’s disingenuous it says you really don’t care about his wants but you want to socialize with friends and just want him there but he’s a busy working taking care of the baby.
It's disturbing to me when they know enough to voice all this super healthy sounding stuff that is clearly absolutely not true. How do they not also know they aren't actually living by any of these standards?
Sounds like mom never watches the kid while dad always watches the kid. Big problem. It’s hard to enjoy events when you’re always chasing a kid around.
Her perceived social standing amongst her friends is more important to her than the health and well being of her family. She comes first, the rest can follow if it wants, and if not she will force it to follow. She’s the problem.
I agree and she doesn't want to admit how ridiculous she sounds. "It's deeper". No, it's not. You care what your social circle thinks of you and your marriage/family.
Both parents should share the responsibility of watching the child, taking turns at events so both can socialize. My husband and I love going out but we also seek children friendly places. It’s makes it way less stressful
@@sellmav oh I spot them. 😂 them flags got spot light shining on them. How are you going to sit there and say I want time with him and use these events as dates and then not hangout with your husband at these events. 😂
It's actually worrying why is she so concerned about being outside? What or more importantly WHO is there? If she's a firefighter how comes she isn't taking down time
It's worse than that because he says he will watch the child at home. So she could leave them home BUT she wants him to be a circus performer. He must also enjoy it, be her prop and she can then glare at him and tell him to clap the cymbals like a wind up monkey for her image.
This man's wife doesn't truly love or respect her husband. If he accompanies her to all events, she would find something else to complain about because she's no longer happy with him. I'm almost certain she's getting railed by someone at work and she sees the grass greener on the other side. She's cheating on him or is about to cheat and the doctor sees that but he doesn't want to say it because he knows it will cause problems.
The part that caught me was at 16:48. On the trip with the cousins, she was out alone the whole day fishing. Then when he offered to go get the car, she said "No I need some time alone." Did she need to remember the big fish she caught, or a quick goodbye to "he's just a friend" who happened to be at the same lake. This happened to a buddy of mine. We all went to the Florida Keys with the boats and rented out spots at a campground. Buddy's wife just "happened" to run into the guy she was having an affair with. Found out where she was for two and a half hours when she was "exploring" the campground.
How do people like this end up together. They could have figured it out that one likes going out and the other doesn't. The problem is people lie to get someone, hoping the other person will accept their true colors down the line.
Neither understands what a babysitter is for? If there are two seats and two plates why do you think your child is invited? There are no drop off daycares that allow 4 hour stays? The eastern NC town I live in has at least 3, maybe 4. My daughter has six children. Both she and her husband can be required to be out of the house, he’s on call and she would be called in for a hour or two for consultation on-site. When I am not available the six are dropped off.
I thought about him saying there were only two seats. Maybe these people don't want to spend money on a sitter or maybe they are distrustful of sitters who aren't family members? Either way it seems crazy to go to a wedding with a kid when the kid isn't invited.
Very well done, John. I totally get your wife. I also had to tell my husband I did not like his work personality and did not want to go on business travel with him. It was such a relief. We'll be together 40 years in December. While important, these are normal growing pains as their relationship matures from young couple to a family.
she's an alpha (fe)male. John is wrong that his marriage will work. she's surrounded by men at work and will cheat on him because he's not "showing up" in the way she wants
Life is too short. I hated going to functions just to make someone happy. They don't care that your unhappy. I had a parent that was very controlling and would get emotional even as I was an adult in my twenties if I didn't still go to distant cousins once a year picnic. I didn't want to hear it so I'd go. But that's not ok to me anymore. No one is making me do something that l don't want to do when it really isn't that important and not a big deal unless you make it a big deal. I'm sure this wife here cared about what other people thought.
yes, you're wrong. her idea of his "showing up" is a performance that fits her preferences. He is simply happy to be with you, but you're expecting him to perform as your prop. And it is incredibly disrespectful for you to accuse him of not "showing up" as a husband in your life just because he won't play your games. He's doing a lot of what most women would kill to have from their husbands.
Sabbath isn't just a biblical thing. So many traditions emphasize the importance of 1 day a week to decompress at home. If he's only getting 2 or 3 opportunities a month and then they get filled with energy sucking events she wants to go to he's drowning in work, emotional work, social work. It's killing him and he's depressed and like any other guy that's been told to stuff it and suck it up his depression is showing through as anger.
I love this show! Real life, real talk, actionable recommendations. So many of us can relate to these topics. Thank you john and the Ramsey team and thank you callers for being vulnerable.
It’s a perfect example of masculine women marrying feminine men. It never works out in the long term bc she will never actually respect him. He’s an accessory.
Now I agree with the husband. BUT many women do this every day (working, catering to their spouse and doing the majority of the childcare) and there isn’t so much backlash against it.
He is not the one complaining. His wife called the show saying he is not showing up. Men in general are not the ones to start the complaining. A lot of the times we can be oblivious that something is perceived as not meeting expectations by the other spouse. Could be why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women.
I was thinking this is the usual sad dynamic when one person says home to raise children. Doesn't matter man women but it's usually a women who stays home and is told she doesn't do enough. So honestly I ve learned there are somethings our partners will never fully understand and we have to try to meet in the middle because I will never know what it's exactly like to be him or him be me and that is okay. You have to communicate and be open to the idea not everything is about you or even the relationship. I'm also at the 8 year mark with 3 kids and I've been on both sides of the conversation so I know the struggle is real. 😅
I think dad and son are best friends and she uses that to her advantage. I empathise with wanting to show up with your partner to events, and it would drive me crazy if he didn’t want to go ANYWHERE AT ALL, but gees, work + childcare is exhausting. He does need a break 🥺
Robin is a 1-dimensional shot caller and she doesn’t want to settle otherwise. You can hear it in the way she formulates the conversation. Sickening Let your husband rest for a change.
She picks one event a month he has to attend. And I hope on her 48 off she’s helping with the kid. It’s impossible to work from home and watch a kid…it means you aren’t really doing your job.
It's nice to see the whole dynamic with a couple on the air. We're not just getting one side. They both had things to work on to make things better for the other and account for how they made things hard.
The fact that she genuinely doesn't see that she would meet his needs by staying home with him the same way that she says he meets her needs by going out with her is really concerning. She seems to have trouble seeing the world past the tip of her nose, with the notable exception of when she has on opportunity to demean her spouse.
I heard that and was like "Girl, bye!" I threw my spouse a surprise birthday party not too long ago and in no way expected him to "step up" and help me. That's why I wrangled some friends and family to help, so he would be free to enjoy himself.
I’m only three minutes in and already I’m on his side. I am the social one. My husband is an introvert. I often go to things without him and then we just hang out at home together when I get back.
I think she’s trying to settle in to a masculine roll in the house, and it’s clashing. Hearing the language she uses, how she phrases things - feels like a control game more then anything, and he doesn’t know she’s playing
Yes, she is being unfair. Its an interesting role reversal. She also sounded so unwilling to admit her fault in the situation. I also giggled when i realized their names (which i am sure are fake) was Phil amd Robin like Dr. Phil amd his wife. Lol
I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like Robin has general anxiety. When her husband said she fished alone and then needed alone time in the car, I recognized it because I used to be the same way before seeking treatment. I had worry/guilt about the time my husband spent with us as a family as well - thought we should all go to the park, library, visit my mom together, zoo etc. and was always worried what other people thought if he didn’t come with me to social events or overly anxious about doing things alone with just me and the kids - I’d get really flustered and overwhelmed if they were too noisy during a quiet service or disobedient in front of other people. I had no idea it was anxiety until I spoke to my NP about always being worried I was late to events and began having moments driving where I couldn’t remember getting on the road I was on. It took time but eventually I got the right medication and my life, relationship, thoughts and “nerves” have improved tremendously. My only regret is not getting help sooner. I really like Dr. John but I feel like he didn’t get to the root of the issue when he began to think it was the same problem as the one he and his own wife have. It was kind of like when you go to the doctor and they brush off your concerns like “oh yeah, that happens to some people but it’s normal” instead of asking more detailed questions or the possibility that something might be off. I would definitely suggest Robin speak to a provider about how she’s feeling - my guess is her husband watches their son while he works since they’re overly fearful of having someone else watch him or putting him in daycare. I’ve been a SAHM and I can only imagine how hard it is to work and watch a young child - kudos to him.
Sounds like a social media wife. She cares what everyone thinks, besides her husband. Only does things to keep an image and reputation, dragging her husband along.
All I got out of that is woman that wants to monopolize all of her husbands free time, zero balance in her approach and she will then emotionally blackmail him when he isn't happy. She has 4 days off, this guy works every day.
Okay, so just give the child attachment disorders and sacrifice their well-being because the wife is a control freak. Do you even understand how detrimental daycare is to children?
Glad you got to it at the end- sometimes I just want my husband somewhere when I want him to see what I’m doing and be proud of me. Or to share something that is special for me with him.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Girl, let him rest... and don't feel bad for not showing up all the time for events. I think she cares too much about what people thinks and not enough of what her spouse thinks and needs.
Don’t all white people except drunks?
I agree with you, sounds like he is always stuck with the kid. Not her, she goes off by herself, doing her own thing. Sounds like she is spoiled and selfish. Why did she have a kid, if she does not want to be around him. right?
@@dabd8175I think that’s a reach.. I think she doesn’t respect him and thinks he’s lazy for simply not wanting to go to social events he doesn’t enjoy. They just need to compromise my wife and I are the same way I’m not big on going out and doing things but occasionally I come out because it makes her happy and vice versa.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Shallow control freak.
The best advice my Gramma has given me is if you want to go - go. If your partner doesn’t want to go - go alone. If you are too uncomfortable to go alone - figure it out. But it’s never okay to expect someone to do what you want to do.
Wise Grammy . 😊
I like this ❤😊
Love your grandma already 😊❤
Can you get your Gramma to have a word with my wife?
real
Phil's the guy you just met and barely know but want to buy him a nice cold beer.
@@JustinCase780 😂
yeah he seems cool
The introverts always accomodate the extroverts, never the other way around. I had a relationship where my ex gf was extroverted and expected me to come to everything, then get unhappy when she could tell I wasn't enjoying it. It's exhausting.
Not true at all! I had no social life my entire marriage (17 years) until we moved closer to MY husbands “friends” . I was a social butterfly until I married him. Not talking smack but just sayin.
@HnarlyCharlie2000 - exactly! Well said!!
@@stk5536 he didn’t like going to any events, didn’t want to socialize w my side of family, I was young, didn’t understand that I can speak up for myself. If I married now- I would have been a lot less lenient towards stupidity and the weaker minded spouse.
@@littlepixel1650 So introverts are weak minded? Says a lot about you...
@@stk5536 well ya. How am I going to show up to a couples evening without my “half” ?! Does that make any sense? We’re Christian, all our events are “marriage” centered, except I have a husband who 17 years later “wants to hang out” and he depleted me of all of my prior friends.
13:50 "I would do anything and show up for anything for him" - EXCEPT to respect his wishes when he is not in the mood to satisfy my whims.
Yes.
She has control issues.
And she never expected to hear that she is looking at their relationship cockeyed.
It's not control issues, it's a woman that has too much masculine energy and treats her husband as the feminine in the relationship and he isn't having that.
@@creedhayman5953 I partially agree - I do get some of that, but also just see some narcissism showing.
It's all about what she wants and expects. No compromise, no talk about how she is trying to meet her husband's needs/requests, just asking John to validate her and tell her she isn't being too demanding.
She’s doing this to make herself look good, but nothing looks good about dragging an unhappy spouse somewhere they clearly don’t want to be. My husband is this guy, and once I accepted that I would be going to most things by myself, it was good for both of us. I’m just honest with people nowadays when they ask where he is, I say “He’s at home watching football. This isn’t his thing.” The people who matter understand, the world hasn’t fallen off its axis yet, and we have a wonderful marriage.
The part that got me was early in the call, the husband sounded like he had total responsibility of their kid at the events they both attended.
My ex never wanted to go with me to see my family. Eventually he just stopped coming altogether. One of my brother’s friends actually told me she doubted I actually had a husband, that when I mentioned him, she thought I was into a delusion about some imaginary person. 😂
Beautiful!
@@Sam11747Yes,I noticed this also
@@annoravetz5188- that is exactly the reason why the caller wants her husband in every gathering: to avoid other people’s comments. But she is not brave like you. I feel sorry for caller’s husband.
Both need breaks. He does not need to attend bridal showers!!! That’s BS.
She needs to learn to say no to some of these events.
Go alone
@@isay207exactly
Some of them are for her and she makes him come along.
How many weddings, baby, and bridal showers could possibly be happening every weekend? Men don't do that stuff anyway.
“I totally understand that he needs his downtime.” Which is why you drag him to events he doesn’t want to be at and ditch him for your friends while he wrangles your kid the whole time? Yeah, that’s one understanding wife right there.
BIG TIME
She's saying she understands but doesn't care because her feelings on the matter are more important and right.
No it’s she would show up to anything for him and she wants him to do the same . It’s not that she don’t understand that he has needs , it’s why won’t he don’t the same for me that I do for him when asked . This is completely normal . My husband and I didn’t go through this 11 years in because we don’t have a social life 😂 and have 4 kids but meeting someone needs is not always easy
@@marissathomas9327 Her "showing up for him" would be staying home with him and/or not nagging him about staying home.
The fact that she (and now you) framed it *only* in the context of going out proves a profound lack of understanding of his point of view and feelings. He doesn't enjoy going out. He doesn't want her to "show up" with a trip outside of the house.
Yeah, it's not understanding. It's knowing but not caring. It's the complete opposite.
I'm 3 minutes into her explanation and I'm already on his side😂
He's not telling the truth you can tell there so much he really wants to say but doesn't want to have an argument off the call
I’m 1:30 in and I’m on his side
Totally….im exhausted thinking about being married, having a 4 year old & working full time and then doing this stuff. I love my single life with all my free time.
She sounds very masculin... not because she's a firefighter though...😂
Yup
She lost me at “bridal shower”. My wife would never expect me to go to one of those.
Yeah, no wonder. No man wants to attend one of those unless he is a flaming queen!
@Kwildcat13 I've never heard of one of those. Bridal showers are for the ladies, period.
Yeah those are all women
I'm a woman, and I can't stand bridal showers. I barely want to go to weddings.
@@cynthiaborden4209 FACTS!!!!
The couple needs a babysitter...and the wife needs to stop expecting her husband to be social when he's not a social guy.
As someone who works, hates weddings (primarily the dressing up part) and who is not sociable, there needs to be a medium ground here. How many weddings do these people find to go to!!
Maybe the wife needs to stay home and get freaky together
Sounds like he is social but only with his friends
Why is he expected to go to bridal showers…that’s nuts
He's social, but he's burned out. He needs some me time to fill his bucket.
Every introvert listening just hears the start of her talk and is exhausted wanting to tuck away at home….
Dying!!😂…..YES!!!
Yes!!!! I love social events when it’s me going because I want to and when I get to leave because I want to.
💯especially if your spouse is a social butterfly. Mine loves to arrive at a party early and be the last one standing, or go from one gathering to another which is torture for me. Especially if I have to socialize and mingle with large groups of complete strangers. He eventually learned that for introverts like me, gatherings like this are exhausting and meeting large groups of strangers is mentally draining. So he's learned not to invite me to ones where he knows that I don't know anyone else and that he'll be spending hours just shooting the breeze. If anyone asks where I am, he'll tell them I'm busy, which I usually am. And I agree to go to the occasional work-related parties and gatherings and parties and dinners of people we both know.
Yes and no. I'm an extreme introvert, and I get kind of depressed when I have to go to things without my husband because I don't have to be the social butterfly and interact with other people when I can create a bubble with him. I can't get out of going to certain events, but people exhaust me. Also, it's kind of lonely to be that person that everybody asks, "Where's your husband?" and looks at you with pity -- "Oh, poor them, they're always alone at these things."
100%
Making your partner go to events when they don't want to or are exhausted is awful. Always prioritise your spouse (within reason). She is punishing him for his feelings. I would be so mad if my husband forced me to do this kind of stuff. She is being really dismissive and controlling. He just wants a day to himself, poor guy 😢
This is the double standard. I would never force any of my family members to do something they don’t want. I will ask and try to convince them though but ultimately I wouldn’t enjoy it if they don’t enjoy being there.
Ultimately love is sacrificing your needs within reason and hopefully the partner does the same. Then they would do it willingly rather than being forced to. Example: I do thing I don’t like for my mother bc she sacrificed so much for me
@@huydang813 ...women almost never sacrifice equally. LOL
Sounds like he needs a break from watching their toddler. This case is so common among couples with little ones. Dr Delony's advice is the best. I have been married 10 yrs and after 3 kids I have learned to always verb my needs and desire to my husband and how I would feel if things dont happen liwk that. I also offer my help and presence when he needs me. I have also learned from him to address any actions I dont like immediately in a calm manner; It has helped to avoid and potential resetment. I do need to learn to forgive better and working on that bc we aren't perfect.
@3Torts They only have your babies, risking their lives for your legacy and progeny. Such a stupid statement. Both men and women can be equally selfish and narcissistic.
Yeah, honestly? I think she's a control freak, and highly inconsiderate.
The minute she said, “When I ALLOWED him not to show up , it’s embarrassing.” I knew immediately that the problem was her. Who does she think she is? She cares about what other people think but they more than likely care less about her husband being there. I’m tired of women acting like loving relationships are only about them. Grow up.
I am guessing there's a reason why there's few child care options. I'll bet she won't allow anybody but the parent to watch the kid.
@@lynnebucher6537 That’s a good possibility. It’s just ridiculous that she thinks she runs him as a man. There can only be one man in the relationship. Man & wife are supposed to respect each other; not rule over one another.
As a woman, like most of the women in the comments, I am on his side.
@@cg-1973 It’s nice to know that women don’t support each other at all times, no matter what.
@@lynnebucher6537 That's another problem.
Girl, let him be. Mine was the same especially the beginning our relationship (I'd say the first 12 years) and now he's a bit different. But I never forced him to come to places with me if he didn't want to. And 17 years later, most of the other people (to whose events I went to) aren't even in my life anymore, but he still is ❤
Now, he wants ME to go everywhere with him. 😂
Thank you and most of other people are not even together anymore.
@knowthyself8233 that's usually the case. God bless 🙏♥️
Poor husband is practically a single dad and then he has to tag along to her friends events rather than get the rest he needs after a full week of work and childcare. She needs to get a grip on reality and at least get their kid in a daycare.
NO. Daycare is the absolute worst place to put a child. Don’t believe me? Read the book “being there”. She goes deep into the science behind why kids are NOT made for that kind of environment.
@@samanthaquant7411As a retired teacher that spent 12 yrs. in a school that had children from 18 mos. through 8th grade, I totally agree. The school was easily the best in our county, but daycare is not a place for young children. How many mothers could do a good job with 6 children under the age of 7, let alone 6 from 18 months to 3 years old?
Daycare is horrible for children. You really need to learn something more about it.
The wife wife needs to stop being a selfish control freak.
I understand the naysayers on daycare, but it saved my career and my life as a mom when I relented to finding daycare for my son. I worked a demanding full time WFH job while my son was 3-10 months old. I had help about 12-16 hours out of the work week. The other 28-24 hours I prayed he would nap and I would get my quotas done during the time the babysitter was over. I was miserable, resentful, ashamed for (I felt like) failing at both being an employee and mother, and stressed out of my mind. I dreaded every day and the weekends weren’t a break either because new baby.
When my son turned 10 months, I felt ready for him to go to daycare and knew he needed more than I could give him at that point. He LOVES daycare and his teachers, and I didn’t expect it. He’s a much more social kid than I ever was, and he needs that interaction. I love seeing him flourish in his class. He’s now 16 months. We’re working hard now so I can be a stay at home mom someday, but for now it’s a necessity, and I’m a good mother and employee again.
He's working AND watches the kid?!?! In my book, he gets to do whatever he wants to do. Let the man enjoy himself. Go Phil 🎉
You know what? People wouldn't say that if SHE worked at home with a child and had to be Mom on her days off. Poor littleman.....😅
Not really, kids are a responsibility, doing whatever you want end the moment you get married and have them, especially if the partner isn’t very compatible.
@Kwildcat13 they said he works remote so i'm assuming works from home
Working from home while watching a child is a circle of hell. It suuuucks.
Wait, wait, she is a firefighter! Get out of the dark ages. A whole big bunch of women do important, strenuous, well-paid work APART from all the work they do at home.
The husband totally won me over with his “aww man!” Response to John saying he can’t have dessert
When she started talking about "ALOT of these events...." I was already exhausted for him.
She is afraid to say no to invited. She would be surprised how many of these people who invited you do not expect you to say yes. They just don't want to insult you by not inviting you. I was like him for years. Then one weekend, we were invited to a block party. My wife accepted. We were supposed to bring a dish to share. I made a dish. Took a shower, got ready and my wife is laying in bed watching TV. She looks at me and asked, would you be mad if I don't go. I don't feel like socializing. I was honest. I told her I never wanted to go in the first place so there I am, the only one going. I was not mad she did not want to go, I was mad she committed and I was stuck going alone. She almost never will.go to anything I am invited to. She always goes if it is her friends. I finally just opted out. I don't know most of her friends and find their spouses shallow and boring.
I think Phil is being too nice and not honest. It sounds like she drops her role as a parent when she’s around her friends. He’s essentially at these events to be a babysitter. He can do that at home instead of in a stressful place like an event. He can’t enjoy himself with his friends or with her friends because he either becomes her son or a babysitter. This is sad.
Totally. I would start saying “Sure, I’ll go…but you’re in charge of babysitting.” Then run off and hang out with his friends and see how she likes spending the whole time wrangling their toddler.
@@texasdazzlers Yeah, I didn't get a real good feeling about this lady. How about she doesn't expect that he go to every event.? And the ones he does go to, they split the duties. This time you take care of the kid, next time I'll be in charge.
Or pay someone you trust to babysit! Thtas a big part of prioritizing the marriage :) @penelope5500
Wedding with a little toddler really? Just go there yourself
Could have saved a lot of pain. And it sounds like the kid wasn't even invited.
Just hire a babysitter! You both have great jobs, I’m pretty sure you can afford it. I don’t think it’s a finance issue, I bet it’s a “the wife doesn’t trust anyone else” issue.
@@sarahp8937 Yeah, it's more common nowadays for weddings to be childfree. If I ever got married it would be childfree.
@@sarahp8937 Exactly
If a man were ditching his wife & leaving her with the kids, people would be outraged. He needs downtime! How do you watch a small child & work? Why isn’t the kid in daycare or have a babysitter? This woman is clueless!
She works 24 hours on and 48 off. She likely handles the childcare during the 48 hours she has off. That does not equate to him never getting a break. In fact, she's likely in the same boat! They either are working or handling the kid.
@@brettemiller8046 True. But trying to work and watch a young child is double hard work. At least when she is at work she does not have to worry about what the kid is doing.
But dudes expect their work from home wives to watch the baby? Why can't he? Oh your working? Why does that excuse not work for wfh wives?
@@alisonklein105 Read her comment again. You're projecting something that was not said
I had an appointment with a woman trying to watch 5 small children and talk to me. Her husband had gone to a meeting. How did they think that was OK?
Notice, HE is chasing their kid at social events, not her. She just needs him there to babysit. Plus show up with him to tick the social box. Meanwhile, she enjoys the event. What a considerate wife!
I’m sure the husband is happy they called in. Glad to see all the support he is getting! Sis calm down and let that man rest. Most women would kill for a man who actually pulls his weight with the kids. And he is ok with you going to these parties by himself.
She needs to listen to this call back. Dragging your husband to events he doesn’t like AND making him watch the child is not a date. Sounds selfish
14:28 "What are your needs here?" If she was honest she would answer - My needs are for him to fulfill everything I want AND to pretend that he likes it - that is to say I want him to do everything I want him to do and at a same time I wont recognize that he sacrificed anything for me - so I don't owe any reciprocity.
Nailed it.
7:13 here she says he chooses to pout. No he didn't want to come and she manipulated the man.
She definitely has control issues. She’s like a husband no one would want.
Notice now how self centered and selfish partners now use the jargon of this is my "need", like going to a wedding under those circumstances matter as a "need".
Ridiculous
I've had gf leverage I "need" to feel important to you. Consider this while I spend most of my free time with her and spent days helping do labor at her house like ripping off wallpaper, glue, and then priming and painting. Do that on my days off then have her go it feels like you Don't care when you then don't want to buy me dinner
@@snOags I mean she said it like she needed a kidney a he wouldn’t give her one. 😂
A wedding is one thing, but why are you inviting him to these “girls nights” if he’s not interested and those aren’t his friends? Why are y’all making him feel bad for just being himself?
Maybe she sees him as one of her girlfriends 🤷♀️
I don't even have kids and when he said "I just want a day to myself" I FELT THAT. I love my family, love my gf, but some days I just wish i could sit isolated on an island maybe with a few of the guys for one day.
And how often in a month would that ideally be for you? Genuinely curious, no shade.
As an introvert I’m listening to this thanking god for my equally introverted boyfriend. I start every invitation with “now I know you’re probably not going to want to go, but I’ll invite you anyway, no pressure to say yes” 😂
It’s a different world for introverts as you probably know. When my husband and I first were married, I was very extroverted and he was introverted. I wanted to go to parties, host parties, etc. and he wanted none of it so a lot of compromises on both sides. I’ve struggled with medical issues now for several years and have become like an introvert in the sense I don’t do as much because I don’t feel well a lot. So it’s given me an understanding (sort of) to the thinking of an introvert.
I really like this comment because the best definition of introvert extrovert I’ve heard is it’s a matter of energy. Extroverts derive their energy from outside sources/people and introverts from themselves. I’ve seen introverts can enjoy themselves at an event put on a friendly mingling face but NEED that time to decompress afterwards and replenish that energy. I could see an illness can totally drain someone’s energy so I really like your analogy
This is exactly why I will only date a fellow introvert
Makes sense to date a like-minded person@@Veracityseeker7
@winkA1 me too! 😅
You brought childcare to social events in the form of your husband while you ditch him for your friends. That sucks.
Word. That be hitting different.
Exactly. She’s super inconsiderate as his partner but really made this call like she can’t put this together using common sense. And can’t I guess bc she’d have to be able to consider him to understand why he feels how he feels but she only thinks of herself. Sign #2 she’s selfish af.
@@emmy9159 It is in women’s nature to be selfish.
This is about showing off to her people how domesticated he is. Her building contempt for her husband is a threat to the marriage. It's also Affair Bait. He need his balls to drop.
This is why I don't like going places with my husband, because I can take care of the kids at home. Why should I get all dressed up to do that when I can be in the comfort of my own home.
“I would show up for anything for him” except if he wants to stay home lol
100% lol
and except when he is with his friends because i will micromanage him and be controlling
As a single person - this is why I'm single. I'm an introvert. People wear me out. I love those days when I have no reason to leave the house. I don't want anyone in my house when I'm home. I feel for you Phil.
My husband and I are both introverts - most of our social events are common friends we had made together, or family events. We are each other’s best friends - when he doesn’t want to do something (and visa versa), the people around us, understand. And if they don’t understand, they don’t deserve to be social with.
Find introvert 😉. It's easier when other person understand what exhausting it is.
I'm like you, that's why I will only date another introvert
U can get an introvert wife/husband or u can just be a man/woman and not go to events you dont want to go to
Being an introvert is so damn exhausting 🙄 I just started telling people to google the subject because I’m so tired of having to explain why I say no to things. I feel for you, Phil! 😟
He's an introvert and she's an extrovert. But I can see her point of view if she shows up without the husband she probably gets 1000 questions. One answer: NANNY!!! And no more wrangling kids at a wedding!
Why are you explaining being an introvert to people. That’s weird.
@@station-7😂
@ you think it’s weird that some people don’t understand what an introvert is? Or that I feel the need to explain that it’s my personality and not to take it as rejection :/
@@Nancyk314 I’m an introvert. I think it’s weird that you’re using it as a crutch and doing the most non-introvert thing you can by explaining to people this personal trait about yourself. Grow up.
I’ve been in this situation. I used to drag my introvert husband to events when we were dating and first got married. He was miserable and it often ruined the event for both of us. Everyone would be asking what was wrong with him. Eventually we realised
1. I was happier going on my own to most things. 2. Not every invitation had to be accepted.
Over the years i’ve also realised I went to events out of a sense of duty, especially family things even when I didn’t feel like it. Now I no longer feel the need to be at everything nor do I care what anyone says. Plus hubs is happier at home resting on weekends.
I hope they come to a happy medium.
He is being bulldozed. My husband has done this to me, it never goes well. Go by yourself if you just want to chat and act child free. If I’m on kid duty, leave me at home. lol Don’t say it’s a family outing if you aren’t going to participate in the family duties…
I wouldn’t force my husband to attend events with me, and then get upset when he’s not enjoying himself there. But that’s just me
There needs to be give and take both ways here.
That is just sensible
Same, I felt tired hearing that he has barely any days off.
I don.t think it's just you. I think you are a normal woman who is not self-absorbed.
@@ChrisAndCatsI agree with the give and take. There is nothing wrong with supporting your spouse by attending an event they want you to go to. I just wouldn’t expect it all the time.
I found your channel about a week ago and have been binge watching ever since. I am 69 yo and I have learnt so much about myself and life since watching you. Thank You.
Some extroverts like her think that everyone should be like them. It’s exhausting. You don’t have to be attached to the hip just because you are married.
Exactly, all this man wants, which he stated in the beginning, is some time to himself.
Exactly
@@Arggggggggg right? And then his example of something hard for him was her taking alone time at the lake to go fishing when they were there with HER COUSIN, then wanting to go get their car alone after he'd been with their kid all day and the son wanted to be with her...
She's taking what he has specifically been asking for and not leaving any of it for him.
She says she's "allowed" him to sometimes not go?? Oh boy. I wouldn't say that to my wife, and she's certainly not talking to me that way. No matter how much he does, if he doesn't do EVERYTHING she wants, he doesn't care about her?
It's a case of being an introvert vs extrovert. It's a compromise, he doesn't need to go to EVERY event, just the ones that matter. I'm an introvert so I'm on his side... give me my peace and crowded places do not sound fun
No social events matter
@@Chet_24 she mentioned a wedding she was in. Most events don't, but big ones should
@@amyitis a pre divorce event does not matter
@@Chet_24sounds like black and white thinking. What about a sibling's or daughter's wedding?
To her, every social event matters… because she can’t say no, and she has “fun” at the events. And why wouldn’t she? She gets to actually have fun w/o chasing a child around AND show off her family while she gets to party.
She gets him to come and check the box for social affirmation that her life is perfect in front of her friends.
Wow John! You put into word what i have been feeling for 20 years. You dont like who your wife becomes when she is there. I never realized that was my issue
Wow. Just let her know. Good relationships are valuable enough to fight for.
@@striving1 how can someone tell someone else something that they cannot explain? Whatbindaid is that he put into words what I was feeling. Now that I know, if I don't tell her would be the problem. In relation to good relationships being valued, we have been married for over 20 years, so we have fought for our relationship
Yes. A lot of people "turn on" when in the company of their buddies out in public.
I broke if off with a GF who wanted me to go out all the time...I was one year into running a newly launched business (a restauraunt) and was TIRED. Going out was the last thing I wanted becauae I was put dealing with people 12 hours a day. She had a desk job that she didn't like or put a lot of effort into, so she couldn't relate. Half of the time I felt like she wanted to parade me about like a status symbol: 'look I have someone' and it got real old real fast.
That’s my man
Yes u can’t run a successful business always running around … trust I know my fiance was just starting his electric company and we had date nights inside for like 6 months straight but now I don’t want for nothing wherever I wanna go I just make the plans he takes care of the rest
@@tonileolion9702lTEAMWORK!
I kind of believe that when you are really invested in trying to grow a new business, it may not be the best time to be in a relationship. If you are not both on the same page with the priority being to grow the business, it will cause strife.
@@melstarr1864 a relationship is a distraction . People hate the truth about it but that’s facts ! When u are in a relationship u have to think for and about 2 people not just u ! If ur the man women look to u to lead if ur the women ur man is looking to u to take care of the household… yes it can be done but only with people who understand and appreciate the importance of successful entrepreneurship and full support
The spouse is not a Siamese twin that goes with you everywhere. Each person needs their own life also. That’s ok. My wife won’t even go to a concert of a group that she likes let alone to one that I like but that’s OK. I have no issue buying a ticket and going alone. I have a great time. I learned to have my own life (alone either “our life”) after my dad died in 2015. He never did anything because Mom would not do anything.
I feel bad for the husband
"I could give two boxes of farts what others think" going right into my personal vocabulary
*pulls out note pad*
I also liked, “I would rather set my butt crack on fire than to…” 😆 🔥
@@susangrande8142 right 😹
same.
I died laughing when I heard that 😂
My husband and I often tag team social events. We only need one of us to represent us at a event.
I really think hearing both sides is so important!More of these interviews please 👍🏻
Lol, so true. “She goes off with her friends.” AKA, she was a bridesmaid.
I do couples therapy, and I detect some transference here with JD - I love the show, but he may not be the best therapist to tackle this one - it hits too close to home. This is 100% a problem of *expectations,* in this case, those of an extrovert vs. an introvert. When you have kids? Spare time is a scarce & valuable resource. Let him stay home to enjoy it, and you can brag about what a great wife you are (which will actually be true). And let's be honest, "showers" are events invented *by* women *for* women. No man you'd want to marry would willingly attend a "Jack & Jill" or a "Gender Reveal." And I'm a woman saying this.
And I was wondering who came up with these couples showers anyway!
I picked up on that transference too! And honestly unless the shower is going to be held in a bar with some food, I would never drag a guy to that. I did go to a coed shower in a bar with food and had a great time, and I am female. It was more like a big get together and party, with real food.
I’m thinking he’s trying to make them feel they are not alone and that this happens to many marriages. I’m not a therapist but I don’t see transference.The wife sounds like it’s all about her..
John bringing his marriage is bad form. He's suppose to be a therapist not a bud.
Lionforaday - You do couples therapy? Then you go on to say pretty much what the Doc was saying to them. AND.... you are a smart lady and have probably figured out that the Doc was using "himself and his wife's situation as an example".... to take the heat down for both of them and letting them not take this as personal or a fault so they can stay open and respond as honestly as this phone counseling can allow them to. As time has gone on.... I have seen that he is better under these time constraints & not seeing his callers or talking to him any longer than he is able to.... he is better than I origionally thought he was.
A balance needs to be reached here . He needs to show up in important events and she needs to go alone in others . An extreme on either end will lead to resentment
He also work from home + take care of kids alone because wife is not at home + do house chores
What she do only work for herself..
She wants him to go in events so that he take care of kids in event and she can enjoy freely..
She is selfish here..
Just from the call, it sounds like they say yes to EVERYTHING rather than occasionally saying no to a social gathering/event.
Tell me you didn't listen to the episode without telling me you didn't listen to the episode
@@omotayosatuyi252 she is feminists believe in equality what you expect from them..
@@akhilmahajan9759So, basically he does what women normally do, but when a woman says she is tired from working, taking care of kids and doing most of the house work, we are told that we should be happy.
It’s telling how she says that she respects the fact that he works remote and looks after their kid and needs his weekends to rest and recover but if she really respected she wouldnt be making this an issue. It’s disingenuous it says you really don’t care about his wants but you want to socialize with friends and just want him there but he’s a busy working taking care of the baby.
100%
It's disturbing to me when they know enough to voice all this super healthy sounding stuff that is clearly absolutely not true. How do they not also know they aren't actually living by any of these standards?
100% with husband on this one.
Sounds like mom never watches the kid while dad always watches the kid. Big problem. It’s hard to enjoy events when you’re always chasing a kid around.
No one said that she didn’t watch their children.
@@createone100I did
I bet the child goes to Dad first so he's a default
Why are they bringing a 4 year old to a wedding? Get a babysitter!
@@createone100 I said it sounds like. I didn’t say they said so.
Her perceived social standing amongst her friends is more important to her than the health and well being of her family. She comes first, the rest can follow if it wants, and if not she will force it to follow. She’s the problem.
I agree and she doesn't want to admit how ridiculous she sounds. "It's deeper". No, it's not. You care what your social circle thinks of you and your marriage/family.
Her poor husband.
Both parents should share the responsibility of watching the child, taking turns at events so both can socialize. My husband and I love going out but we also seek children friendly places. It’s makes it way less stressful
As a former firefighter I think she's insecure and working him hard because she's got higher than average narc traits
As a former firefighter, they don’t all got narc traits…. 😬
😂Lol
Who am I kidding, there is a lot with these traits.
@@Trolly.Troll.she definitely has them. Girls got more red flags than Florida beaches during hurricane season.
@@sellmav oh I spot them. 😂 them flags got spot light shining on them.
How are you going to sit there and say I want time with him and use these events as dates and then not hangout with your husband at these events. 😂
Love the original statement. She sounds selfish!
She wants him to go with her to watch their kid, so she can enjoy herself. She sounds awful
It's actually worrying why is she so concerned about being outside? What or more importantly WHO is there? If she's a firefighter how comes she isn't taking down time
It's worse than that because he says he will watch the child at home. So she could leave them home BUT she wants him to be a circus performer. He must also enjoy it, be her prop and she can then glare at him and tell him to clap the cymbals like a wind up monkey for her image.
This must be so draining
It's a control issue.
THANK YOU... BAM!!!!!!!!!!
For her
This man's wife doesn't truly love or respect her husband. If he accompanies her to all events, she would find something else to complain about because she's no longer happy with him. I'm almost certain she's getting railed by someone at work and she sees the grass greener on the other side. She's cheating on him or is about to cheat and the doctor sees that but he doesn't want to say it because he knows it will cause problems.
The part that caught me was at 16:48. On the trip with the cousins, she was out alone the whole day fishing. Then when he offered to go get the car, she said "No I need some time alone." Did she need to remember the big fish she caught, or a quick goodbye to "he's just a friend" who happened to be at the same lake. This happened to a buddy of mine. We all went to the Florida Keys with the boats and rented out spots at a campground. Buddy's wife just "happened" to run into the guy she was having an affair with. Found out where she was for two and a half hours when she was "exploring" the campground.
This woman thinks she's better than her husband. I feel bad for him. Extremely passive aggressive.
How do people like this end up together. They could have figured it out that one likes going out and the other doesn't. The problem is people lie to get someone, hoping the other person will accept their true colors down the line.
Neither understands what a babysitter is for? If there are two seats and two plates why do you think your child is invited? There are no drop off daycares that allow 4 hour stays? The eastern NC town I live in has at least 3, maybe 4.
My daughter has six children. Both she and her husband can be required to be out of the house, he’s on call and she would be called in for a hour or two for consultation on-site. When I am not available the six are dropped off.
They apparently have tons of friends and family and none of them can watch the kid?
I thought about him saying there were only two seats. Maybe these people don't want to spend money on a sitter or maybe they are distrustful of sitters who aren't family members? Either way it seems crazy to go to a wedding with a kid when the kid isn't invited.
6 kids. Wowza
@@DCornwell-d2t Triplets x 2
You can feel the love in this marriage. Poor guy is beyond exhausted, she does nothing and he does everything and she has no respect for him.
Let him rest. I wouldn't want to go either.
As soon as you say I do not respect you to your husband, it is the EXACT same thing as the guy telling her I don't love you.
If he's burned out from work, he really needs his rest days. But she cares more about her social life.
Very well done, John. I totally get your wife. I also had to tell my husband I did not like his work personality and did not want to go on business travel with him. It was such a relief.
We'll be together 40 years in December. While important, these are normal growing pains as their relationship matures from young couple to a family.
This reminds me of that Bill Burr sketch about women always wanting to do something on a off day😂🤣.
Bill burr is divorced 😂
@@sellmavwhen did he get divorced?
@@nkonrhi I thought he did. Big maybe I’m thinking of another guy.
@@sellmav most likely...to public knowledge at least at this moment, there's been no separation/divorce in his marriage.
@@sellmav no he’s not divorced or getting divorced. His wife is actually hilarious too when she’s on his podcast with him
Bruh just wanna sit on the couch sometimes .
“Which I have allowed” 🚩#1
Huge red flag. Wow. Ownership? Imagine if this was a dude calling in saying that. Imagine how he would be labeled
Came here to say this. As soon as she said "allowed" that told me everything I need to know about their relationship dynamic.
she's an alpha (fe)male. John is wrong that his marriage will work. she's surrounded by men at work and will cheat on him because he's not "showing up" in the way she wants
I heard that one too. She's got something to prove to herself and her "friends", that she is a tough lady or something.
@@samwise222. You can hear it in their voices too. She's the dominant one, and he can barely get a sentence out.
There's so much anxiety going out with kids and she ditches him. That's exhausting
Life is too short.
I hated going to functions just to make someone happy. They don't care that your unhappy. I had a parent that was very controlling and would get emotional even as I was an adult in my twenties if I didn't still go to distant cousins once a year picnic. I didn't want to hear it so I'd go. But that's not ok to me anymore. No one is making me do something that l don't want to do when it really isn't that important and not a big deal unless you make it a big deal.
I'm sure this wife here cared about what other people thought.
“I would do anything and show up for anything for him and his needs”…. Sure Jan🙄
yes, you're wrong.
her idea of his "showing up" is a performance that fits her preferences. He is simply happy to be with you, but you're expecting him to perform as your prop. And it is incredibly disrespectful for you to accuse him of not "showing up" as a husband in your life just because he won't play your games. He's doing a lot of what most women would kill to have from their husbands.
Sabbath isn't just a biblical thing. So many traditions emphasize the importance of 1 day a week to decompress at home. If he's only getting 2 or 3 opportunities a month and then they get filled with energy sucking events she wants to go to he's drowning in work, emotional work, social work. It's killing him and he's depressed and like any other guy that's been told to stuff it and suck it up his depression is showing through as anger.
I love this show! Real life, real talk, actionable recommendations. So many of us can relate to these topics. Thank you john and the Ramsey team and thank you callers for being vulnerable.
In his mind he is doing enough, in her mind he is not.
It’s a perfect example of masculine women marrying feminine men. It never works out in the long term bc she will never actually respect him. He’s an accessory.
Yup. That is usually how it starts. I have fallen into that a few times. But it is up to the spouse to clearly communicate that.
Now I agree with the husband. BUT many women do this every day (working, catering to their spouse and doing the majority of the childcare) and there isn’t so much backlash against it.
He is not the one complaining. His wife called the show saying he is not showing up. Men in general are not the ones to start the complaining. A lot of the times we can be oblivious that something is perceived as not meeting expectations by the other spouse. Could be why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women.
@@napoleon1992True that , men are emotionally clueless for the most part.
Bingo
I was thinking this is the usual sad dynamic when one person says home to raise children. Doesn't matter man women but it's usually a women who stays home and is told she doesn't do enough. So honestly I ve learned there are somethings our partners will never fully understand and we have to try to meet in the middle because I will never know what it's exactly like to be him or him be me and that is okay. You have to communicate and be open to the idea not everything is about you or even the relationship. I'm also at the 8 year mark with 3 kids and I've been on both sides of the conversation so I know the struggle is real. 😅
I think dad and son are best friends and she uses that to her advantage. I empathise with wanting to show up with your partner to events, and it would drive me crazy if he didn’t want to go ANYWHERE AT ALL, but gees, work + childcare is exhausting. He does need a break 🥺
Agreed. And it sounds like he isn't saying he wants to be home all the time to your point.
@@snOags 💯💯
“Am I being too hard on my husband when it comes to social g…..”
Me: “yes! Dear god yes you are. Leave the poor man be!”
Robin is a 1-dimensional shot caller and she doesn’t want to settle otherwise. You can hear it in the way she formulates the conversation. Sickening
Let your husband rest for a change.
"Step up" & "allowed"
Wow yeah that crosses a line when talking about the 21st century partner
She picks one event a month he has to attend. And I hope on her 48 off she’s helping with the kid. It’s impossible to work from home and watch a kid…it means you aren’t really doing your job.
It's nice to see the whole dynamic with a couple on the air. We're not just getting one side. They both had things to work on to make things better for the other and account for how they made things hard.
The fact that she genuinely doesn't see that she would meet his needs by staying home with him the same way that she says he meets her needs by going out with her is really concerning. She seems to have trouble seeing the world past the tip of her nose, with the notable exception of when she has on opportunity to demean her spouse.
It was sorta sad when she mentioned that his birthday party was one event where she felt like he abandoned her 😅
I heard that too, I was like wtf
I heard that and was like "Girl, bye!" I threw my spouse a surprise birthday party not too long ago and in no way expected him to "step up" and help me. That's why I wrangled some friends and family to help, so he would be free to enjoy himself.
maybe because he was having a good time
To help her do stuff. It's his birthday party, have a gf help you. She's selfish. .
He's a grown man, if he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't go. I'm with him on this one. I hate going to family/friend events.
I’m only three minutes in and already I’m on his side. I am the social one. My husband is an introvert. I often go to things without him and then we just hang out at home together when I get back.
Her: My Life = Our Life. Your life ≠ our life.
Seems as such
I think she’s trying to settle in to a masculine roll in the house, and it’s clashing. Hearing the language she uses, how she phrases things - feels like a control game more then anything, and he doesn’t know she’s playing
Yes, she is being unfair. Its an interesting role reversal. She also sounded so unwilling to admit her fault in the situation. I also giggled when i realized their names (which i am sure are fake) was Phil amd Robin like Dr. Phil amd his wife. Lol
Phil hats off to you for being so supportive of your wife!
I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like Robin has general anxiety. When her husband said she fished alone and then needed alone time in the car, I recognized it because I used to be the same way before seeking treatment. I had worry/guilt about the time my husband spent with us as a family as well - thought we should all go to the park, library, visit my mom together, zoo etc. and was always worried what other people thought if he didn’t come with me to social events or overly anxious about doing things alone with just me and the kids - I’d get really flustered and overwhelmed if they were too noisy during a quiet service or disobedient in front of other people. I had no idea it was anxiety until I spoke to my NP about always being worried I was late to events and began having moments driving where I couldn’t remember getting on the road I was on. It took time but eventually I got the right medication and my life, relationship, thoughts and “nerves” have improved tremendously. My only regret is not getting help sooner. I really like Dr. John but I feel like he didn’t get to the root of the issue when he began to think it was the same problem as the one he and his own wife have. It was kind of like when you go to the doctor and they brush off your concerns like “oh yeah, that happens to some people but it’s normal” instead of asking more detailed questions or the possibility that something might be off. I would definitely suggest Robin speak to a provider about how she’s feeling - my guess is her husband watches their son while he works since they’re overly fearful of having someone else watch him or putting him in daycare. I’ve been a SAHM and I can only imagine how hard it is to work and watch a young child - kudos to him.
Sounds like a social media wife. She cares what everyone thinks, besides her husband. Only does things to keep an image and reputation, dragging her husband along.
She’s controlling, selfish and emasculating him in front of her people…..I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with her.
Couples can show up without each other and literally no one cares. Let dad have a lil bit of time alone. It will let him be a better person. ❤
Part of it is the different personalities. She chose a type A masculine job and she’s comparing her husband to guys she works with.
Give and Give:
Give me your time
Give me my time
Expectation, resentment, consideration, and sharing.
All I got out of that is woman that wants to monopolize all of her husbands free time, zero balance in her approach and she will then emotionally blackmail him when he isn't happy. She has 4 days off, this guy works every day.
Child should be in daycare or preschool for the sanity if these people
Okay, so just give the child attachment disorders and sacrifice their well-being because the wife is a control freak. Do you even understand how detrimental daycare is to children?
She could just say no to some of the events
Glad you got to it at the end- sometimes I just want my husband somewhere when I want him to see what I’m doing and be proud of me. Or to share something that is special for me with him.