I was married for 11 years. He was the only man I was with. From the beginning he was not interested in having sex. He finally left after the 11 years. Many years later found out he was gay. I just wish he had left me alone.
I was afraid that could be what this lady is dealing with. I heard a story of something like that happening with one clearly not-straight guy who worked with my sister. - He got married to a girl from his parents' home country and they never consummated the marriage. - Afterwards his wife started talking about how he would be constantly hanging out all night with his male "friends".
Yes let the gay people with gay with each other and the straight people he straight with each other. And further, the promiscuous players and mess around with each other and us monogamous people can be married way over here thanks! If any of these people mix it’s bad news!
@@daniellemuffler3948the problem is when men show interest in sex too quickly we don’t consider them marriage material. So basically she saw him not wanting sex as a green flag, a man who wasn’t only interested in getting in her pants type. So this is lesson to us women that disinterest in sex in a relationship can translate you are being used to cover up their true sexuality.
Girl run! My ex husband barely worked (no sexual issues). I did the cooking, cleaning, house stuff, worked, took care of the kids, etc for 10 years. When I finally had enough and asked for a divorce he moved back to his parent's house, and 14 months later he's still there. My life has been infinitely better without him! I got a passport and have traveled to Mexico, Uganda, and a few places locally and nationally. I've also met an amazing man who loves me in a way I never thought possible ❤️
He cuts off all the oxygen in the room and then points his finger at you when you walked out the door so you can breath. So accurate. Just dealt with that.
@@boston312 in my case he admitted he didn’t want to get married. So I said, why did you then? I don’t know… we make a move to AZ because his job took us there. He hated the job. I said well, let’s move back. No… can’t. (We could have). I said do we start over with a smaller place, no… but he resented me for moving! Hated me secretly for that! I asked during the separation why… he said he was scared to go out and find another job to keep us locally. I said but I told you we could go back home. He said, I didn’t think you meant it! I said, so hating me because you were scared was how you coped vs stepping up and doing what was right? Pretty much… He became chronically I’ll and that pop tart dropped him like a lead balloon. We don’t do that in our family! Again, we all make choices and you need to stand up and be a man or woman and say no when you mean no!
@@boston312 If we were to go off the biblical rules to follow God's word, he stated this in Corinthians "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another" as he also goes on to say if it is necessary for a SHORT time, you are to come back together and also to pray on it. I feel that if he knowingly had no interest in being husband and wife in the ways intended, he wouldn't have been deceitful knowing he was only doing it for selfish reasons. She will be robbed of getting blessed with children. She will now be able to be a wife and mother in an equal marriage to someone not holding onto her for financial and companionship support, she will have mutual interest and will be both parties giving to each other and filling their cups. Flowers instead of intimacy won't take the place of having children, feeling a deep connection and having conjugal rights. You can't starve someone and expect them not to try to find food. He was bordering abuse continuing to see and hear her express suffering and willingness to try anything to fix the situation, he knew he was doing it and had zero intentions to change. While I don't believe divorce is the answer for everyone, I also don't believe marriage is for everyone either.
Narcissist!!! Been living it over 30 years. They want a room mate, they want a maid, they want a mommy!!! He loves the way I look, cause it makes him look good!! Young lady move on please. Grow and blossom with out him. Listen to Dr Ramani ... narcissists arent always raging assholes, some are extremely skilled in neglecting. And that is what I and my kids lived. It wrecks who you are.
Me too. Theres a lot of control and financial abuse, along with mental spiritual and emotional abuse. They already know theyre going to treat you like crap and love watching you chase your tail looking for wtf is going on?? Im glad that these things are being blasted out to the world. I lived in pure darkness for far too long with pure evil.
Yep. I was getting strong love bomb/silent treatment vibes here. She should probably work on accepting that her marriage is over. He just won't pull the trigger. And when she says cognitive dissonance...narcissists make you crazy. What they say and do- 2 different things.
This is so unfortunate but it happens for so many people. She needs to just walk away. I had a person tell me years ago that being in a lonely marriage is SO much harder than being single. I absolutely agree 1000%.
I lived this for 35 years & finally divorced my husband. I felt invisible & unwanted most of my marriage. He was ungrateful, critical, hostile, & angry. I tried my very best to be a good wife. I looked good, am a Nurse, have 4 great kids, but I was never enough. It's been 2 years since my divorce & I finally feel restored, and have a good life. But, I'll never understand what he was looking for.
I’m really sorry that you had experience something so excruciating. I just got out of a relationship with someone who was like this. I would try to tell him how much he hurt me but to no avail. I’m glad we’re both free.
Thank you 🙏 I have been starving in my marriage for years and this was the answer I needed. He does literally suck the oxygen out of every room and conversation and then blames me and my daughter. I needed to understand that! 🙏❤️
I’m so proud of you. It’s hard assssss as my mother didn’t leave and I now have CPTSD but you can do it and you and your child won’t even know yourself … your daughter will respect you a million times more too (not that she already does-she feels it more than you I imagine- kids pick up on everything) ❤ Love to you and good luck xxx
I totally understand this. My husband does the same. The entire house just feels down and cold when he comes home. We all go to our rooms while he occupies the living room. Once he leaves, the life is back in the home. I know I need to leave and I'm going to. I just have to financially figure it out.
If she waits any longer, eighteen years will fly by if a child comes along, and it'll be the loneliest experience of her life. When the kids get into teenage years, then she'll be alone in parenting, while simultaneously being alone in her marriage. Ask me how I know. My youngest is going on 18, my husband and I are strangers- while 'celebrating' passing anniversaries that should be growing together, but instead we're just drifting further away from each other. I changed. I mean I've worked so hard to be steady, consistent, mentally challenging myself to be the healthiest version of myself. I know who I am. I know I'm lovable. I know I'm worth it. I'm worth celebrating and sharing life with. I'm worth my husband wanting to dance with me, date nights and fun times. I just don't think I'm worth it to him. And that breaks my heart. I'm thankful she got away. I pray she realizes how beautiful she is and she continues her journey without him.
@Lala89856 Please don't feel sorry for me, I've learned so much since I was younger. Honestly, I chose poorly. I picked. I knew earlier in our relationship that he had his own issues. I guess I just expected him to do the work, like I did. I didn't want to drag him into it. And he has always been a good provider. It's just not all I need. And I've finally realized that's okay, it's expected, it's normal.
I went through that. He had every excuse in the world to sleep in the spare bedroom. When we were first married, it was the mattress hurt his back. So I bought a new bed. Then he complained that I snored, or my breath stunk. He rarely, if ever, wanted s-x. He continually admonished me about every single thing I did, like I was a little girl. He said I didn’t know how to do laundry, my cooking was terrible, my choices in reading materials were bad, I didn’t know how to dress, on and on. It was so bad that when I was in labor with our son I was afraid he would complain about how I gave birth incorrectly. I was starved for affection. I was 27, he was 38. I had been married before and had two children. I took care of myself, the children, the house and worked. No reason for his BS. One day I was cleaning and found used tissues in the bed where he had slept the night before. And he wasn’t using them to blow his nose!! That hellish marriage lasted five years. I left and filed for divorce. Of course he then begged and pleaded for reconciliation. By then I despised him. I went on my way and never looked back. And no, I didn’t gain weight. I was young and attractive and meticulous about myself. Walk away from this man! You deserve so much more!
I’m so sorry you went through that!! What you’re describing sounds way more intense than “just” dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It seems more along the lines of narcissistic abuse where your ex-husband constantly needed to put you down, criticize you, condescend to you, etc. in order to make himself feel better by making you inferior and blaming you for everything. I experienced something like that in my early 20s (not marriage but long-term relationship) and it messed me up pretty good. Really breaks down your self-esteem. I’m glad you found a way to leave and reclaim your life! 🙌🏼✨ All the best to you!!!
Women shouldn't snore. That's terrible man! I mean it's one thing for men to snore but women snoring? Couple that with sour breath...man that's just terrible! Might as well wake up next to dog smelling their bad breath. At least keep some Clorets on the night stand. I mean GAWD!!!
My husband is a Dismissive Avoidant, and I'm just about out the door. It's a LONELY marriage, if I can even call it that. Zero intimacy (3 years), no connection. My children have no relationship with him, so everyone just goes in their rooms and shuts their doors when he's home from work. It's just awful.
Wow this is my life. It's been 15 years though. I would say get out now. Don't get stuck just because you signed some dumb paper. You can start over. Your kids will thank you.
@@chrissyellem7397 It's been 10 years for me. I can't imagine going another 5 this way. It's only for financial reasons that I'm still here at this point. If I could afford it all on my own, I would have left long ago.
@@chrissyellem7397 oh gosh, I understand that too... Feeling like who would want me and my entire situation. I have a daughter who has borderline personality disorder and it's HARD. I can't imagine any man wanting to sign up for it. I fear I will be alone.
@@azimuthbusinesscenterexactly. Promising to meet your wife’s needs shouldn’t get in the way of you breaking that promise and becoming a eunuch. Clown.
My ex husband ended up like this. He had unresolved trauma he wouldnt deal with. Eventually i asked him if he wanted to stay married, and he gave me the lamest non-commital response. I knew my answer by that alone and filed for divorce. He tried to get me to sleep with him after we separated! He turned into someone i didn't know and he wouldn't work on it. There are things that cant be fixed no matter how hard you try. Move on, itll get better.
Agreed, sometimes the dysfunction does not reveal itself until time passes and they are comfortable with the situation. This is why we need to assure both sons, daughters are prepared mentally, financially to end that legal contract.
Woman or man, it's okay to separate from someone who doesn't love you properly. And it's okay, get out before the resentment comes but I know it's harder said than done. Whoever is dealing with this I pray you find peace love joy and true freedom in this life and in the next ❤🙌🏾
I very weary of people who say "I don't know why she left me..." Because if you knew, then she probably wouldn't have left. More chances you would've worked things out. 🤷
It is painful, but this guy can never be the man you want him to be. He sounds like he is emotionally and mentally stunted. Watch out for him hoovering you back into the relationship and then falling back into the same cycle of behavior that he has already shown you. Nothing will change. I lived it for 36 years myself, then left for my own sanity. And survival.
I can relate! And I know how people could stay for 36 years. We are going on 18 years married and I have been lonely for so long but we decided that it made more financial sense for me to stay home with our kids so now I am completely financially dependent on him. 4 kids, 3 still living at home. Me and the girls are very close because even though he has been here all along we have emotionally just had each other. Distractions make it easier to stay and we don't fight constantly or anything like that so I can't say I have a bad life just unfulfilled in the relationship with my spouse category. The older the kids get the more I wonder how much longer I can stay and what the heck will my future look like if I don't.
I’m not the guy in the call but 5 years ago that description fit the bill for me. I felt this call for all the ways I no longer wish to be. I’m grateful that I found the courage to change. I hope for the callers husband that he finds the same. It is 100% worth the price of admission to not half ass the work and change.
@@taghazoutmoon5031 The primary blocker for me was alcohol. Once I quit alcohol and went all in on recovery, I began to understand my personal character flaws that contributed to all the ways I was cold and distant. As for what a woman should do, that is difficult to generalize because each situation and person is different. Ultimately my wife developing boundaries and separating is what pushed me to start figuring it out. One of the really helpful things Dr. John says is ‘behavior is a language’ and I think looking for actual behavior changes in a person, even small ones, is key. I had to take responsibility to find my own solution, and that was reflected in my behavior and that gave my significant other data that I was making progress, if that makes sense.
@@houseofyarbs623 Alcohol abuse was my primary contributing factor, and quitting booze was the first step in my own personal changes. That was just the first step, however, it paved a path of discovery for me that I have walking since I quit.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. I went through this for 22 years. I left 10 years ago and it was so unbelievably difficult because of our children.
Lady, run. You’re free! I don’t think this woman should seek any closure from him, his detachment is sufficient. Meeting at a restaurant etc is pointless at this point.
I swear being with a dismissive avoidant will create constant confusion and unhappiness. It will rob you of your confidence- and if you tell them what you want or need it’s almost as if they’re determined to NOT give it to you. It’s emotionally devastating and incredibly lonely. Within 6 months of living together everything changed- no more intimacy, and lots of other promises were broken. It feels as if you’re being discarded, thrown away. It’s also easy to confuse with narcissism but it makes me wonder if there’s a bit of that thrown in as well. I hope this lady doesn’t go back - it doesn’t get better… they breadcrumb you back and then do the same thing over and over, no matter how much you try to love them.
Deedelando: That’s my question as well! Is Dismissive Avoidance the same as narcissism? They know what they’re doing. They know they’re withholding and do it anyway. They know it hurts you and continue to withhold. That sounds a lot like control! It seems to build their ego to see you suffer and try so hard. Either way, whatever the diagnosis, the behavior is the same and it’s sick!
This has just got me thinking about someone I knew. When you tell them how great something they did was, the next time you find they turn it round completely and change it/don’t do it anymore? That’s what he used to do!
Omg. 27 years of my life too I dedicated myself to him. I wasted 25 years of my life on someone that didn’t care for me. He didn’t love me at all. I was just his possession. He liked owning me. Well, that was put to an end 6 years ago, he still blames me for walking out and tearing our family apart. Both my daughters were 15 and 13 at the time and both encouraged me to leave him. Of course I took them both with me. We are very happy in our lives now. I needed to end it and leave I was dying.
@@chapinfowler3332it's impossible to make something work with someone incapable of accountability. Too many men too weak to be honest about what they actually want. Like this fool who tortured this woman because he was too weak to accept that he didn't want to be married. Unfortunately immaturity seems to have destroyed the men in our society.
I've dated a guy like this. He is narcissistic with avoidant behavior. I am happy and relieved when I broke up with him. People like them will destroy you to the very core. They will take everything from you until the last drop of your blood and will say it's your fault. They won't change and never will. They don't have self awareness. They don't think something is wrong with them nor believe in self improvement, if anything, it's you that has a problem. Run! Better be single and alone than be married with someone like this. It's a death sentence to your soul. Run and never look back. Save yourself and your kids.
@@moderngoblin You can't understand because you are missing something. The goal of relationships is attachment. Nobody wants to be there for no reason.
@@moderngoblin why be in a relationship when you don’t want intimacy? Defeates the whole purpose of being together. Don’t waste other people’s time if you’re scared of closeness.
they start off by being normally attached, then the avoidant surfaces. If they were avoidant from day one, no one would date them. So they know they have to modify in order to catch someone
@@IMBLESSED-oe6dlit’s very hard though 😔. How do you tell the man you still love so much , I want a divorce or just go. But then again…. If he checks out the marriage there’s nothing you can do but get out with dignity.👌🏼
I wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self to just leave. They'll try to convince you, to charm you, to give you what you wanted to get you back once you're gone only to tear you down in every small way so that you don't feel like you deserve any better than them. It's death by a thousand papercuts. Not being seen or heard or to matter to the person who is closest to you is so deadening.
You cant fix him. Dont let him destroy you. You've tried a lot - the ball is on his side for a lond time. You sound like incredible person - take care of yourself girl 👍 I'm sure you deserve a better life 👍
Sometimes people need to accept that they are being emotionally defrauded and know how to calmly back away. It can happen to anyone. Striving only exhausts the one who strives
I was married to a man who ignored me. Every time we had a fight, he would give me the silent treatment. I tried to talk to him and resolve it but it was always the same. We tried counseling and it didn't work out because he would say yes "we will work it out." The time we left therapy he would be back to his same distant behavior. Being with someone and still feel alone is the worst feeling. After my AVM surgery, I decided to divorce him. It's been 10 years and I made the best decision in my life. I started therapy and it helped me so much. Focusing on myself, working on my goals, traveling etc...
My husband is the same. I hope to leave him soon, but I am not sure I could support myself. My kids say I can do it if I had do. I would make a way. I’m glad you found your freedom!
This is what’s scary about marriage. You build this life together based on your feelings. You wake up one day and either one of you could feel differently, and then have to uproot your life.
Who builds a life together based on feelings? That is not a marriage. Marriage is duty, honor and commitment. It is not always fun. Feelings are not an appropriate decision making protocol for adults. Some people get it. Others never will
I am very sorry for this lady. I dealt with a man like this for 3 years, and it was hell. He made everything he could to get me to leave him so he could play the victim and have his mother and sister team up with him and tell me bad things. He was almost 40, and he would rather play video games than fix anything with me. He was abusive, and because he never hit me, he was a good man, according to his family.
@tonytoni1150 Well, I didn't know he played video games until we lived together. He pretended to be a good man until he got me to fall in love. Some people switch you know.
@progress_over_perfection In my case, he always had women around, even exes, to get what he wanted. This I learned later. I also learned that he never liked me, I wasn't his type. He just wanted me around for his selfish reasons.
@@tonytoni1150 I don't think there's anything wrong with playing video games, as long as it doesn't affect other aspects of your life. My husband plays PC games - hell he played them with his father who was 75 years old - but he knows not to do them all day and be present for me and the kids. Just like with most things, as long as it's in moderation what's the big deal?
This lady is smart! It’s called Intimacy anorexia. I lived it for 30 yrs 😢. I had severe emotional problems over it & my body got sick as well. These men want a woman to love them but they won’t love the woman back… Divorce him now before he makes you mental! Find a man who will really love you!
God yes. Me too. Over 30 years wasted. The p*rn was his wife. There were additional lies that uncovered after I started to look at his bills I was so naive and trusting.
Was your husband overly close to his mother? If so, it wasn't simply intimacy anorexia, he was a mother-enmeshed-man who played out mother-revenge on you. Look it up!
@ He absolutely hated his mother! My ex-husband had a poker face, he never let me see who he really was. I didn’t know that he hated his mother until after she died. The Times that he did open up to me, he said it in a way that made someone else responsible for his feelings. It was their fault. His mother hated nice people. She told me she hated me because I was too nice. Everywhere she went she reamed peoples asses if she felt that they were incompetent, even if they weren’t. She reamed her nurse, her doctor and anybody to feel powerful over them! I imagine that my ex shut down his heart had a very young age so he could cope with his mother and his alcoholic father. This will tell you the kind of person. His mother put an hit on my ex-husband‘s first wife. She offered Jim’s best friend $ to come on to her so Jim wouldn’t marry her but he wouldn’t. It’s a good thing that some people have integrity. She also tried to run her off the road. My ex-husband gave me everything but himself in the 30 years that we were married. We never once had a marriage conversation. I would spill out my heart to him and chase him down in the nice way, but he would always walk away and refuse to talk . Now that we are no longer married, it has been almost 4 years. He is starting to be vulnerable to me which makes sense bcz he no longer has anything to lose since we’re not together. He told me that he put on a perfect persona but on the inside he wasn’t feeling secure. By being so afraid of getting hurt he ripped out my heart & in the end he ripped at his own… I believe that people like my ex need to have a partner to feed off of them… they derive their happiness off of feeling superior & and much needed… they’re afraid to make their spouse feel secure… they’re afraid that if their partner feels secure with them that they’ll be happy & that’s the last thing that they want. The person who’s being spiritually, emotionally & physically starved will eventually go insane… My ex had a way of making me feel guilty for needing & wanting him. He made me feel like I had the problem, but my subconscious knew that wasn’t true! I had absolutely nobody to turn to. When I did try Jim made me out to be the troubled one. My ex was a pro at gaslighting! End the end I wanted to kill myself but I ended up leaving our house for a yr to get away from his manipulation. I ended up getting the house & he paid it off, yeah!
So many comments blaming men for this. I'm a man who just divorced a wife like this. I begged for marriage counseling for ten years. When we finally went she quit after four sessions. I beg her to interact with it kids and she replies, "I don't interact with people." I can't innumerate 18 years of marriage that felt like being a dad to a spoiled teenager here, but i wanted to comment that it isn't just men.
Sorry that you're so triggered by facts, but this is absolutely WAY more common for men to be like this in a relationship. Sure, some women can be too but this is mainly men who are like this. Facts are facts, and they aren't gonna care or worry about your feelings or reaction to those facts.
@@horrorqueen3577You seem to be the one triggered by a man asking for compassion. Your comment was unnecessarily cold and cruel. If genders had been reversed I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate a man being dismissive towards a woman who is owning and claiming her trauma. But, because it was a man attempting to do so it doesn't matter? How dare he? This man has 18 years of trauma from a woman like the man in this story. And he also indicated they have children in the mix who are so clearly deprived of maternal affection which means they are also traumatized. And he has been desperately trying to over compensate for that. Instead of recognizing and acknowledging his struggles you are cold, cruel, and dismissive. Passive aggressively saying "sorry you're triggered but, tough tits" essentially. This is to the comment thread OP---Unfortunately, we do hear this type of behavior more commonly aligned with men. However, I don't think there's a biological relationship. I think it's a cultural issue. Men aren't being raised appropriately and this is the result. Like John said, it isn't a disorder. Attachment styles are solely environmentally formed. It is not a man vs woman thing. It's a parenting style failure. I'm so sorry you suffered like this. And I'm so sorry your kids have been caught in the crossfire. I'm glad you finally left her and I'm hoping for healing for you and your family.❤
Trying to love a dismissive avoidant individuals is an emotionally devastating exercise in futility. Honey, run and never look back. You will save yourself a lifetime of hell.
@@joetheboy04I'd trust a woman who's been through it more than an internet troll who's whole intent with their comments is literally to make strangers feel bad. Phew! Thank God most people who listen to this show know better. My wish for you is that you find meaningful work that engages you and inspires the best in you to express itself with integrity in every area of your life. Including the internet. Good luck creating that future for yourself. Long term, it might hold much more value than the temporary high or laugh you get from putting others down. Especially once you realize that your comments say more about your character than that of the person you are responding to. All the best. Cheers to redirecting your focus towards success. 🎉
@@brightpage1020 this is a perfect advice for the women (and men) telling others to run from any difficult relationship. Weak generation. Getting along is not easy and our parents coddled us into hyper individualists who focus on their own struggles and stay blind to the plight of others. Did you once hear her say how she contributed to the problem? Yet here you are passing judgement on half a story. Your advice is ironically perfect for you.
My husband was like this...until he was diagnosed with Autism at 50. His diagnosis has been life changing. It's not been easy but explains so much. Take care of you. ❤
I came looking in the comments to see if anyone else mentioned autism. My husband was just recently diagnosed so maybe it’s just front of mind, but the first thing that I thought as she was describing her husband was that he sounds autistic.
My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago and he's still a terrible, selfish husband. It explains his quirks but it doesn't explain how he can say he loves me but treats me like crap. The diagnosis for that is JERK. No excuse. I make it very clear what my very few basic needs are and how to meet them, he just doesn't want to.
Thank you Dr. Delaney, I am one of those million of women out there that needed to hear this information. I am worth more, I do deserve the truth. Thank you!!!!
I agree. It also sucks when you want out but know the person is financially dependent on you. I know someone who wants out but their spouse is ill, aging, and would not have the ability to enter the workforce. They stay to ensure the care of their spouse despite the sacrifice.
@@mirsumm8431 you make it sound like their spouse is aging and yet they are not. That’s what marriage is all about staying with it when your spouse is sick and ailing and,unavoidably so, aging.
CHOOSE not to be financially dependent on a person. There are options. I have been a homeless, single mom and was able to find a way. Do NOT use this as an excuse to stay in ab abusive relationship.
@@peaches615glad you made it but that is historically not the case for women. Especially if she is older and depending on what she looks like. It doesn’t have a happy ending.
This could be my story. I got divorced after 7 years of marriage and met my current husband. Our relationship is night and day and I’m so grateful I made the brave choice, and you will be too.
So jealous! I wanted to get divorced at that point but my church leader and my Mom pressured me to stay and encouraged me to have a baby with him. 10 years later it's been absolute HELL. I have left that church and working on finding my way out of this marriage but this post-2020 economy makes it soooo much harder to get divorced and be a single parent.
@@SENSEF i was fortunate that I was the breadwinner and didn't have to worry about supporting myself but didn't yet have kids- so I totally empathize with your situation.
10 years in and we share a home with no communication during the day. One of us goes away for a couple of days still nothing. Can't count the number of times we have talked about this. Go to bed at different times. Honeymoon period lasted 4 months. I totally get the version you want to see. He's from a large family of siblings and believes that the only person who can be relied on is you. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
I can't stand that. Mine flies to see his daughter across the country. He never even texts me the whole time! I don't even know if he's alive or the plane went down.
Oh my goodness! Been there! John- you articulated this beautifully! ‘Cuts off oxygen in the room’ and then you leave, and then he tells a sob story, she cheated/she left me. 😐
Many women can relate. It’s surprising how many men hide this issue and expect the woman to just deal with it, since polite society pretends women don’t have sexual desire. Personally, I think he KNEW he had this issue and he faked it until they were settled and then shut down actually getting treatment. I think he selfishly just wanted a mother/maid, who won’t ask questions.
Totally agree. My ex tried when we were dating. Once we got engaged, it stopped. We had sex on our wedding night, 1st anniversary and second anniversary and that was it.
You bozos realize this is the anomaly compared to the other way around? Majority men are stuck in a sexless marriage not the other way around. I guarantee if the gender roles were reversed in this, you women would be screaming how he should stick with her and work it out. Or that he was a dead beat for leaving over this.
Lots change you after marriage management: kids, mortgage payments, Job changes or losses Risks like starting businesses Educational debts... Medical insurance Working in different worlds, spheres... Adulthood in general comes with a lot to manage. ADHDers have a challenge there for sure, but like she says there are systems and we can cope using those. We can rise above our condition by sustaining some extra efforts and planning for when we run out of steam to adjust. Somebody that treats you like all you're good for is washing the dishes doesn't want a wife. Doesn't need someone to love, honor, and cherish. Just doesn't want to pay a maid or can't afford a cook but takes advantage of anyone willing to fill those roles for free, and abuse them. It's misery for women that love people unable or unwilling to connect. Misery. And they'll find other outlets to use for loneliness or horniness when they feel that. The avoidants will. Because to go where the expectation is connection even when vulnerable is too intimidating for them. Too scary.
I spent 23 years in this exact kind of marriage. Don't waste your time and get out now. They don't change. The divorce was the best thing I've ever done.
Sadly, she married a 12 year in an adults body. He is stuck with the reasoning ability of the average 12 year old boy. He either got too much mommy as a kid, or not enough.
Crazy how he’s a 12 year old boy for not reciprocating. Yes he ain’t right but he’s not acting like a child either. You really must be slow. He simply doesn’t love her or care to put any effort into her
With avoidants it is intimacy specifically that they can’t do, because of not receiving proper love and care as babies. Their brains wired to learn “that person I love hurts me, I’m safer if I stay away”. It’s subconscious they don’t even know they have a problem that other attachment styles DONT experience! The avoidant can still want a relationship because we are all wired for connection but it’s intimacy and closeness is when their brains turn on deactivating mechanisms like disgust for partner, devaluing partner, seeing partner in all the worst ways, and they don’t even know their brains are actually malfunctioning from more “normal” attachment styles 😢
I love John but he’s wrong, it cannot be healed or fixed. I advise any person to stay away from them, they can only hurt you in the long run. The beginning only is possible for them because intimacy isn’t there yet…
85% of the husbands out there are looking for a mother. He wants you to cook for him clean up after him be his best friend because he has no real friends. When it comes to sex the intimacy is flat and nonexistent. You’re lucky if you don’t have 3 or 4 kids under his name that he expects you to take care of while he barely holds a job.
That’s what women want. A lil boy that they have control over. Like E-40 once said, “if you could, you would.” If she could do better, she would, but she can’t.
No they are looking for someone who wants to remain sexually active and will continue to pursue sex. Most of these women who call in have abandon sex and they all wonder why the husbands are depressed. That alone would solve 90% of marriage issues. Men aren’t that complicated.
85% of married women don't want to be wives. She might have rejected him repeatedly and he gave up. We're hearing one side of the story. Most women expect a husband to plan every weekend until the end of time and guys get tired of that.
Dude, did you even listen to the call? Within the first 3 minutes she explained that he lost interest in having sex with her. She still wanted to have sex with him and went through counseling to try to improve the sexual intimacy problem but he had basically checked out of the marriage.
I think there's more to this story than "he doesnt want to be married to you". I love Dr. D, but I cant stand when he makes these huge unilateral conclusions based on 15 min of a one-side convo. His reduction in sexual initiation could be explained several ways, from personal/financial lack of confidence, health issues, or maybe he simply got tired of always initiating since I didn't hear her mention anything about her attempts at initiation being rebuffed, she just said the frequency dropped off, and she expected him to 'want to correct it'. Thanks to this convo, he will ALWAYS be the bad guy in her mind.
It's easy to see that when someone tells you they're leaving and they basically say, "okay, bye." He doesn't care for her and doesn't want to keep her.
My story was very similar… only it took me 19 years to realize that I wasn’t being valued and respected. Jealousy was the weapon that killed our relationship, and when I finally said enough - it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn’t easy. Single mom to two young girls - but I knew that letting my girls see me struggle THEN come out the other side, to prosper and be happy with myself - was the best gift I could give them! It’s not easy - but you are an amazing young lady. You already know that he’s not going to rise to the occasion (in more ways than one!)… so lesson learned. Now go grab the life you deserve to be living!
24 years and I totally understand this wife. My husband is more on his phone and on singing apps than with me or his daughter. We literally are roommates. Yet neither one of us wants to be the “bad guy” and break it off. 😢
@Emily It's NEVER to late to get out, unless you are dead. GET OUT. Neither of you wants to be the bad guy? If breaking it off when you two are really "not together" anyways, you will not be the bad guy. Even if so, so be it.
You need to call that behavior out and set boundaries and expectations for him to abide by. That is not appropriate behavior for a husband and father. It’s not appropriate behavior for ANYONE!
40 years of this marriage I wish there would have been someone to tell me I was worth more 20 or 30 years ago. This control and manipulation cost me my kids and my grandson. I am now taking care of him while he is with terminal cancer. I am still battling my own cancer. (I am in remission) but I am exhausted. He has no remorse for anything he has done. And I don't feel like he is even trying to fight to live. He expects me to bathe, and dress him, get him to his treatments...etc. he says it's to difficult. I am only saying this in hopes she will see it will not get better. When a man is this narcissistic the expectation from him only gets bigger. BTW while I was going through treatments, he never went to a single treatment with me. Not even a phone call to check on me after I was done.
Linda, you are still on time to move away from the situation. Do not allow his cancer to eat you up and put you back where he is, God doesn’t want that for you. Help him get hospice through the health insurance. That’s what the doctor is recommending for you. Go to another State/warm & sunny to get your therapies. Blessings to you.
@lynnebucher6537 thank you, yes they come out once a week to help. It will increase in time. They keep a close eye on things. He was diagnosed in December, he had no insurance at the time. He finally got insurance last month. It has been a hell of a journey.
@@sthrnbll2u65 God bless you, he will renew your spirit and will return everything that you have loss. Pray daily for yourself and surrender for his peace. It has done amazing things in my life. I was at the edge for years and he pull me back overnight. As a child I had the fortune to go to Catholic school, but I was never religious however I did pray and he finally make me know, he was listening. Go out for yourself do exercise, even in you home, do chair yoga it would calm your mind. Blessings
Iam a 38 old man, been with my wife for 10 years married 6, i finally given up 2024 and stopped asking myself what's wrong with me , i always thought it was me. I have tried somany different approaches, counseling, private lunches, long drives, romantic getaways, direct communication, indirect communication, even a puppy last year..... and more, I am lucky if I get a head nod, even if she says yes the actions dont follow. I started becoming angry and have outbursts of frustration, i became depressed and lost all my self esteem, we have separated into different rooms and she seems quite fine, seems she only needs me me for things " men are handy " fix the car do the plumbing, uber, she will assist me financially if i need it, and she keeps me guessing and begging in a knee with no adult discussions. I cant breath and i have to let go of a life we, I built. There is no adult conversations. Its like shes a 14 year old, whays confusing is thay she has a senior position at work, all these things play on my mind. There is no Tenacity for the relationship as Dr. Delony said it.
So many good women are out here who want love and affection that you mentioned. Why do y’all waste years of life on ppl who clearly don’t like you ? Get out and be with a woman who wants your love!
She is married to a narcissist who does not have the guts to pull the plug on the marriage because he doesn't want to look bad, so it's easier for him to make her feel crazy than to end the marriage and go through the work of separating or financial woes of divorce. I feel for this lady. Since he won't let go, it's on her. So she should stop wasting time and start building a life she loves. With or without him. She needs to focus on her: Financial Physical Educational (educating herself on narcissism) Spiritual Social Development - with or without him. If she gets herself stabilized and takes responsibility for her own happiness then he might either be inspired to step up his game to be with her in a grown up way or it will be so painfully and abundantly clear that he can't or won't grow with her but she'll be in a strong enough position to dump him in a way that creates more stability for her long term.
Dr. Deloney's advice was literally what my folks said to us in high school "once you graduate, you're in college or/and have a job, otherwise, you choose a new roof because this one will no longer be available to you." The fact that this is the advice - to a grown man... Shows what Deloney thinks of immature husbands. They might as well go back to high school.
Reverse the genders in this scenario and see if it still sounds right. "If she isn't suckin or f*ckin, go live under a new roof." He would be called controlling and abusive and a misogynist and toxically masculine.
Run. You are NOT crazy. Did 19 yrs of that and it destroyed me. The doc is saying WHAT I could not get 6 therapists to say to me!! Now I 💯 know (10 yrs afterwards) you need out- period. No hovering!
I am so sorry. I’m going through a situation so so similar in my life. It hurts so fucking bad to try so hard and to love someone so much and to not be reciprocated or worth any effort to them. I hope one day I can be unconditionally loved
My ex is the same! He’d rather sleep with random people. Fear of intimacy or connection. The closer you get the more he would run away! His mother is enmeshed with him which causes the avoidance attachment. Move on if he is not seeking to heal himself
He's a mother-enmeshed-man which is a whole extra set of problems. Seriously, Google the term. Dr Kenneth Adams has very good information on how disastrous this problem is. Especially the mother-revenge they play out on their wife, treating her how he wishes he could've treated his overbearing mother.
My daughter's father is one of those cowards. I let it go and started to have a peaceful and happy life with my daughter. He's around but we don't give him any of our time or efforts. It's so much healthier and wouldn't go back.
@@pugscaniche7866 I'm sure mothers who made the decision to go get pregnant for absentee fathers, and the child later ended up in Jail also thought they wouldn't change it for the world.
Proof that Love is never enough. Once he’s fully threatened he will knock her up and delay the divorce for the next 18 years. She will act like the grass is green enough but fails to notice it’s crab grass.
@@kingdele01He'll lovebomb her into it. She's a devoted wife, he'll give her the illusion of loving her back just to baby trap her. Yeah... ask me how I know. 🤨 10 more years to go on my sentence, trying to find a way out sooner.
Before you said he was avoidant, I knew. Right right from the start. When you said he persued you and when he had you he did not care anymore. Like after 2 months. That's every guy I ever met. And particularly my ex. Mind you, I chose them specifically because I have avoidant attachment style, too. (Does not mean you have it). I subconsciouly knew they were emotionally unavailable and they obviously did not want commitment but I was going to be the one who changed their minds. It does not seem to be your case but he is definetely avoidant. The good thing of all this is that he knows! Most men I met were not aware. And you can't fix a problem you do not know you have. I have a guy friend who is THE MOST OBVIOUS avoidant I have ever seen. And he needs to sleep around with every girl he can to have any sort of self-esteem, to get reassurance. He says he needs variety. I am not saying that's your man. I am just laying out behavior. They are terrified of intimacy because when they most needed it, it was not there. So they (we) learn that craving intimacy from our caretakers and not having is so very painful that we train ourselves to just not need it. We learn that we are not worthy of love. We cannot trust that intimacy can be there for us in a constant bases. Intimacy is literally PAINFUL and we will do ANYTHING to avoid it at all costs. Whenever you try to get close, we will run the other way. But if you pull back, we will come to you (usually).
Get out as soon as you recognize this is happening or you will have a life sentence in this reality. A wife is not your mother, sister or roommate period. Run run now!
I went through the same thing and did not have intimacy for 13 years except to have our kids. We went to therapy 5 times and something clicked for my husband and here we are at year 20 of our marriage! Don't give up. I have some resentment, but that's my problem and I am dealing with it. Finding a new therapist for just me to get over the resentment. He's a wonderful dad and an attentive husband in other ways. If you can and it's safe for you to, try to hang in there. I was one more counseling session from hiring an attorney. It CAN get better if you really love each other. It's a two-way street.
I'm someone who is a Dismissive Avoidant personality type and honestly had no idea what it was until someone told me Pair that with people telling me how they felt about me, that pushed me to learn to be different Buddy needs to fix up
I agree with John on this one. As I listened to her it sounded like the guy just doesn’t want to be married to her. Probably he got married for the wrong reasons, social pressure, fear, loneliness etc. it’s not something he actually wanted but he’s not strong enough to be honest
Dr John, you should start something special for men specifically for building/prepping them to be someone who can be the anchor for their wives and people around them. Men need it and you would do so great at it.
I agree they are not disorders. These labels we put on people are rarely helpful. You are never stuck with a diagnosis. All therapists and psychiatrists do are diagnosis you with what vibration you are currently stuck in usually do to childhood trauma and labeling it. People take that and use it to define themselves. It’s helpful to know what’s going on but it’s changeable with awareness. Awareness is the first mechanism of change. It is changeable!!! All of it is!!!
YES!!! My husband and child whine about their Autism and I point out to them, "The richest man in the world is Autistic just like you. But he worked WITH his Autism, instead of against it. Your diagnosis explains how your brain works and why you have challenges others don't. Now you work WITH that knowledge to achieve great things. That knowledge empowers you! It's NOT an excuse to get out of working hard in life."
Ugh, I was in this situation years ago. Thank gods j didn’t marry him. Those 7 years engaged were the loneliest most miserable years of my life. I totally related to everything she said here. He was just emotionally checked out, yet he wanted to marry me? We’d go places and everything was for show… he’d get compliments that he has the finest grrl blah blah, and then we go home and he gets back to scrolling or on the computer. Even the therapist told him after 1 year to tell me that he will do nothing to improve our relationship so that I can make a decision and move on with my life. Every week he told the therapist he was too busy to do the exercises and he would next week. After a year, the therapist was fed up and said he has nothing left for us. He figured that paying all the bills was enough. I have a masters degree and my own bag…. I stayed out of hope for years, and then finally gave up and left. Once upon a time he was so passionate for me and said I was the best blah blah, and then I was an annoying pop stuck on the bottom of a shoe. Nothing I did was good enough. Every single holiday was ruined with bad moods and “this is stupid” vibes. I 1,000% relate to her call. She’ll be so much more relieved when she’s on her own and never has to subject herself to someone who treats her like she’s mediocre. I didn’t want to be alone, and loved him to the end of the earth, but to this day I’m so relieved that I’m no longer in that prison-situationship. I’m free to go to where I’m loved, and free to leave wherever I’m not adored. It’s simple.
My ex husband and my sister’s ex husband did the same things. It’s called “cerebral narcissism.” They never change; they can’t. They’re not normal. They hate you, but want to keep using you for energy and labor. Read, “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited,” and free yourself.
She should only go to the 30 day meet up if he has a job to tell her about. THEN go another 30 days and have him tell you how it's going. He has to SHOW you.
Ok I relistened to it a couple times, but I couldn't tell where she actually said that he was unemployed. What she said was, "I have to push him, he doesn't like hard things." Did I miss something?
He doesn't care about her. I wonder if he's gay? She shouldn't be running after someone who not only doesn't care about her, but also doesn't care about how his conduct is hurting her. She's not a priority to him. She should leave. And people don't change. He won't.
Woman: Our sex life is less than I expected. He doesn’t want to fix it. John and Comment Section: Run! He’s bad! Men Who Call: Our sex life is less than I expect. She doesn’t want to fix it. John and Comment Section: What are you doing to make her not want sex with you? Value her differently first.
Many men will have sex with their wives even if they hate them..thats why it's weird when he won't at all. Women need to feel emotionally safe to want to have sex with you. We want it and initiate it for very different reasons
The reasoning is simple-on average, for 99% of these issues, what makes a man not want to have sex with his wife (or plug in any other issue if you want) is TYPICALLY different than what makes a wife not want to have sex with her husband. I’m not sure why there are always men in the comments making this a “men vs women” thing on Dr John’s end. He’s working with the law of averages. If you take your car in to fix a problem, do you want the list of things that could be wrong in that particular make and model? Or do you want the mechanic to just give you everything irrespective of known issues for your specific car bc it’s “fair”? Men and women are different, and respond differently to different things, treating us like we’re all the same would be a disservice to those calling in. It doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions of course, but when he has only a few minutes to hear a story from one person in that relationship, he has to go with what’s most likely. I’m not sure why ppl don’t understand that and would rather make it about John having biases against men, it’s odd.
@@liz9284- this is very well put 👏🏼👏🏼 a lot of guys in the comments here complain that it’s “so unfair” … instead of realizing that Dr John is simply acknowledging the research that shows that women losing sex drive or sexual attraction _often_ has to do with a lack of feeling respected or valued in the relationship and/or being overwhelmed with daily stuff like kids and chores. Women mostly need to feel no stress or tension, relaxed and supported before they’ll feel sexual at all. Whereas for men it’s often different: they can still feel the urge for sex even when they’re stressed or overwhelmed because sex is like stress release for many men (not all, of course)… so even when the relationship isn’t always going great many men will still be up for sex because sex is when they feel valued and appreciated. For women it’s the opposite, they want to feel valued and appreciated outside of the bedroom before they feel the desire to get sexually intimate. I think Dr John understands these tendencies (though of course they’re not true for everyone!) and so he recognizes that when a man is not wanting sex there are likely different underlying causes vs a woman not wanting sex.
Partners that think their partners will stay in a sexless relationship are simply delusional. Most of the time this is women doing this, but it definitely happens both ways.
Not most of the time. It’s 50/50. Tons of men check out of physical intimacy. Today especially due to access to pornography. We need to ban porn, our society would be a lot better off.
I wish I could be friends with this woman. I am the daughter of a DA father and my partner, yes partner, not husband, of 10 years and father of my 3 young children is DA. I experienced a personal tragedy that he abandoned me within and fell down the rabbit hole, landing in attachment disorders. It has been heartbreaking. This interview has been very healing and has given me perspective on where I need to be in my own self value and to stand up for my own children. I have no one in my life who understands and no one to talk to about it. I admire and envy her sense of self worth and intelligence and aspire to reach it myself now. Thank you for sharing your situation and know you arent alone.
After 13 years of being together, I finally found out what is the real reason that my husband is the way he is. 😢It’s absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. I thought it was me… all this time!
I went through something like this before when they change and start acting like a roommate and he was cheating online with men and meeting men. He would go out at night when I was sleeping saying he couldn't sleep so went on a walk and he would meet men I found out when I checked his phone when on my lunch break in the day when he was sleeping from being up "walking" all night and I had a chat about it with him it felt over for a while so I was strong and unemotional to his face I only got upset after I moved out thinking back on the good times and how in love I was and how it was one sided.
Yes took me 13 years without catching him outright to determine he was closeted and I was a beard. I spent every single day of the entire time wondering why does he resent and hate me so much ? YEP
I'm suspecting this was the case with my ex. Weird behaviors. And he was emotionally involved with his friend he was spending all his time with. I left.
I can relate. It’s heartbreaking. I left my ex-boyfriend of 7 years for almost the same reason. It was hard to leave but I knew it was getting toxic. It takes both ppl involved to go to therapy and work through it. As much as it crushed me and I miss him, I feel much better and know my worth!
Dude... this was my ex husband and we have 3 young children. It doesn't get better.. he will throw away that time he has during separation and make you be the one to do the worrying and make the effort and then make you be the bad guy for giving up. Leave before you have kids. It will only get worse.
She should also see if he is on the Autism spectrum. They struggle with interpersonal relstuonships, misread or misunderstand social cues. Think Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang... But there is a HUGE spectrum.... But if he is even mildly autistic, it is literally painful for them to interact emotionally. He may not be wihholding.....he may not have it to give. I feel for her as she struggles with this
Yup. My husband is autistic and was using video games as a crutch because he didn't have friends in person for years. He had video game friends and ended up spending years doing that.
This is possible, and what I experienced largely. He eventually said he had changed his mind about the children we had, and resented the money we had spent on them. Absolute hell! Divorced now for 20 years and so glad I did and shouldered all the family responsibilities
The simpler answer is that he is more likely to be a narcissist and emotional abuser. Why on earth does everyone have to be "on the spectrum" these days? It's ridiculous.
Sometimes if people don't have emotional intelligence or skills to navigate them they don't need to be in relationships. If people finding relating extremely painful wouldn't these logical humans just died to be alone? Seems very simple.
I am another daughter of a man like this. I have CPTSD and there was no violence or sexual violence. Pleeeeease please please research trauma bonding and get out of these situations. So many men are just doing this to their wives and it makes me sick and triggered. I’m proud of her for knowing about cognitive dissonance but this poor woman and half of America it seems are just in unhappy marriages with cowardly men. The codependency is very real and is mistaken for “taking your vows seriously” 😢Love to everyone ❤
Sure! Let's just blame men for not having all our emotional needs met. Do you really think men & women who hardly communicate with each other except while about to couple up would all of a sudden be able to communicate & interact in the same manner? If you need people to talk to, go get a job, goals, interests, counselors & friends. Trying to make your husband all of that to you, is just never going to happen. And you will be jumping from man to man trying to find a false notion of what a man will be.
@@kingdele01 I do actually blame men personally and the patriarchy, yes I do and I’m entitled to my opinion like you are. Thanks and love and light to you internet stranger. ❤️
@@nikstar1313 Before a man start to date or have feelings for you, please don't hide your opinions from him. - Please make it clear to him that you think he should be EVERYTHING to you (satisfy your physical, emotional, psychological, financial, self-actualization, .... WANTS & needs), while being able to perfectly read your mind. Also that with all of that, you will still never be satisfied, and that you will keep blaming him (if he falls a little short) and some esoteric notion of "the patriarchy". - Please let all men, who might be interested in you, know all about that, and let's see if anyone will ever want to sign up for that nightmare of a life. Good luck 👍👍👍
The older I get and the more men I’ve got to know socially, the more I realise we have a whole generation of men who have been totally destroyed by their coercively controlling parents to one degree or another. My ex (who I now realise was a DA) abandoned me after a fantastic 5-year relationship for no reason - he just disappeared out of the blue: it was like a slow sui*ide in the years that followed (for me) while he probably never even batted an eyelid! Older and wiser now but my life was destroyed and I hope this woman finds someone better.
My husband prioritizes video games after work , has done this for at least 30 years of our 33 year marriage. All our kids remember of him growing up is their dad was always playing video games . They are 21, 20 and 17 now .
As a therapist myself, he does sound like he has avoidant attachment… but that’s a reason and not an excuse. It doesn’t sound like he cares enough about her or himself to do the work.
I have a friend that is going through the exact same thing and she finally left him after 10 years, BUT she has started seeing someone else while still being married to him which is not good at all. She deserves so much love, support, and attention after being deprived, but in the right way; not by any means necessary. My friend only sees what he is doing, but she can’t see herself and how she is making it worse. Please close this chapter before pulling other ppl into the equation because it creates so much unnecessary drama especially when children are involved; it’s not just about you.
Oh. My. Goodness! This describes my mother perfectly. I've never had anyone put into words my experience before. MIND BLOWN!!! My mother actually asked me to be the one to "cut off a relationship with her". Who does that?
If I have to choose between being alone/single or completely alone inside a marriage... I wouldn't have to think long about what I would choose... I hope she makes that discussion soon 😢😢
Ah man I feel so sorry for her. But kudos to her for facing reality and getting out. He won’t change. He is probably feeding his therapist a whole sob story how he is the victim in all of this. I hope she stays strong and finds a person who will love and appreciate her like she deserves.
Would love to hear both sides however this story is not far fetched. Been there and done that. It’s exhausting! Some people are just stunted emotionally. If the tables are reversed… get out too!
I've been married for 34 years. Last week my GP sent me to A&E. Rang husbands place of work, he came to the phone, didn't even ask why I was needing to go to hospital, said he wasn't able to get out, find a way to get there. So hurt. I'm his house mate.
Leave him. You'll get a lot of alimony after 34 years- they have a formula. You get half the assets and half of his pension, if he has one. Find someone else. My friend Rose fell madly in love when she was 76 and she has never been happier.
Poor guy, he just isn’t that into her. He’ll think he is now that she left, likely try to get her back and shortly after he’ll feel the same again. This relationship is over. I don’t think it’s his fault or hers. It just didn’t work out. Time to move forward and start something new. Good luck! Everything will work out just fine in the end. Enjoy the ride! ❤
Hmm it’s not necessarily a problem of not being into her. People with avoidant attachment styles learned in childhood that the people they need the most are never there for them and can’t be relied upon. So this husband could be super attracted to his wife and very much in love with her, but he doesn’t know how to be open and intimate (emotionally, too) and trusting and really believe that someone will be there for him … so instead he retreats and keeps to himself and avoids getting close. It’s an unconscious response to childhood neglect or trauma. Doesn’t necessarily mean the man “just isn’t into her” or they “just didn’t work out,” that’s a bit oversimplifying in this case, I believe.
@@mistym0rningOr he's a mother-enmeshed-man whose mother treated him like her little husband so being intimate with his wife gives him the ick now because emotionally it's like his Mom. So the next thing he'll play out mother-revenge on his wife treating her how he wishes he could've reacted to his overbearing mother. Yeah... ask me how I know. 🤨
She’s going to have a LIFETIME of issues with this guy. Time to accept the truth about him and decide if you want to put up with this for the remainder of your life and all the repercussions. Or get out now
As Maya Angelu said, if someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.
I was married for 11 years. He was the only man I was with. From the beginning he was not interested in having sex. He finally left after the 11 years. Many years later found out he was gay. I just wish he had left me alone.
I was afraid that could be what this lady is dealing with.
I heard a story of something like that happening with one clearly not-straight guy who worked with my sister.
- He got married to a girl from his parents' home country and they never consummated the marriage.
- Afterwards his wife started talking about how he would be constantly hanging out all night with his male "friends".
Yes let the gay people with gay with each other and the straight people he straight with each other. And further, the promiscuous players and mess around with each other and us monogamous people can be married way over here thanks! If any of these people mix it’s bad news!
Why would you marry him if he was not interested from the beginning?
@@daniellemuffler3948the problem is when men show interest in sex too quickly we don’t consider them marriage material. So basically she saw him not wanting sex as a green flag, a man who wasn’t only interested in getting in her pants type. So this is lesson to us women that disinterest in sex in a relationship can translate you are being used to cover up their true sexuality.
Same, but I only thought he was gay. Omg, first 4 min sounds exactly like my marriage.
Girl run! My ex husband barely worked (no sexual issues). I did the cooking, cleaning, house stuff, worked, took care of the kids, etc for 10 years. When I finally had enough and asked for a divorce he moved back to his parent's house, and 14 months later he's still there. My life has been infinitely better without him! I got a passport and have traveled to Mexico, Uganda, and a few places locally and nationally. I've also met an amazing man who loves me in a way I never thought possible ❤️
He doesn't love her. He doesn't even like her. He just likes the way she loves him. Girl, please cut your losses. Cut him off and move on.
So many men marry women they do not like one iota.
And most likely is just afraid of being alone in an empty house. He will just move on to another woman and do the same thing to not be alone.
Or he wants her to be the one who leaves. Or he’s not that into woman?
You are damn right!
You said this perfectly.
He cuts off all the oxygen in the room and then points his finger at you when you walked out the door so you can breath. So accurate. Just dealt with that.
Going through it
Same
Same.
me too
@@pspence1963 Exactly! Well said
This is so much more common than people think. She has to move along and let him go.
I was glad when my counselor said he doesn’t want to be married! Made a huge difference!
What happened till Death do we part?
@@boston312 in my case he admitted he didn’t want to get married. So I said, why did you then? I don’t know… we make a move to AZ because his job took us there. He hated the job. I said well, let’s move back. No… can’t. (We could have). I said do we start over with a smaller place, no… but he resented me for moving! Hated me secretly for that! I asked during the separation why… he said he was scared to go out and find another job to keep us locally. I said but I told you we could go back home. He said, I didn’t think you meant it! I said, so hating me because you were scared was how you coped vs stepping up and doing what was right? Pretty much… He became chronically I’ll and that pop tart dropped him like a lead balloon. We don’t do that in our family! Again, we all make choices and you need to stand up and be a man or woman and say no when you mean no!
@@boston312 If we were to go off the biblical rules to follow God's word, he stated this in Corinthians "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another" as he also goes on to say if it is necessary for a SHORT time, you are to come back together and also to pray on it.
I feel that if he knowingly had no interest in being husband and wife in the ways intended, he wouldn't have been deceitful knowing he was only doing it for selfish reasons. She will be robbed of getting blessed with children. She will now be able to be a wife and mother in an equal marriage to someone not holding onto her for financial and companionship support, she will have mutual interest and will be both parties giving to each other and filling their cups. Flowers instead of intimacy won't take the place of having children, feeling a deep connection and having conjugal rights. You can't starve someone and expect them not to try to find food. He was bordering abuse continuing to see and hear her express suffering and willingness to try anything to fix the situation, he knew he was doing it and had zero intentions to change. While I don't believe divorce is the answer for everyone, I also don't believe marriage is for everyone either.
@@boston312what happened to love, hold cherish and honor?
Narcissist!!! Been living it over 30 years. They want a room mate, they want a maid, they want a mommy!!! He loves the way I look, cause it makes him look good!! Young lady move on please. Grow and blossom with out him. Listen to Dr Ramani ... narcissists arent always raging assholes, some are extremely skilled in neglecting. And that is what I and my kids lived. It wrecks who you are.
I agree!!! I am with one and am working on getting out.
Me too. Theres a lot of control and financial abuse, along with mental spiritual and emotional abuse. They already know theyre going to treat you like crap and love watching you chase your tail looking for wtf is going on?? Im glad that these things are being blasted out to the world. I lived in pure darkness for far too long with pure evil.
they made vows!
Dr Ramani is one of the best ❤
Yep. I was getting strong love bomb/silent treatment vibes here. She should probably work on accepting that her marriage is over. He just won't pull the trigger. And when she says cognitive dissonance...narcissists make you crazy. What they say and do- 2 different things.
This is so unfortunate but it happens for so many people. She needs to just walk away. I had a person tell me years ago that being in a lonely marriage is SO much harder than being single. I absolutely agree 1000%.
No she shouldn’t walk away, if the guy is finally willing to change.
@@memecakes4436I agree!! 💯
Lol they never change once it's programmed in their heads @@memecakes4436
@@memecakes4436 She already walked away, she can go back to him if he has changed.
@@memecakes4436but they don’t that’s time wasted that you’ll never get back if you stay or go back.
I lived this for 35 years & finally divorced my husband. I felt invisible & unwanted most of my marriage. He was ungrateful, critical, hostile, & angry. I tried my very best to be a good wife. I looked good, am a Nurse, have 4 great kids, but I was never enough. It's been 2 years since my divorce & I finally feel restored, and have a good life. But, I'll never understand what he was looking for.
I’m really sorry that you had experience something so excruciating. I just got out of a relationship with someone who was like this. I would try to tell him how much he hurt me but to no avail. I’m glad we’re both free.
I'm happy for you. You now choose your happiness.❤
30 years!!? Omg. You know the warning sign now....
You didnt see any red flags early on ?
He was gay lol
Thank you 🙏 I have been starving in my marriage for years and this was the answer I needed. He does literally suck the oxygen out of every room and conversation and then blames me and my daughter. I needed to understand that! 🙏❤️
I have zero doubt that SDW would call Delony a quack
I'm so sorry. You deserve better!
You deserve so much more. Run, don't let it change you into another person. Your child deserves better to.
I’m so proud of you. It’s hard assssss as my mother didn’t leave and I now have CPTSD but you can do it and you and your child won’t even know yourself … your daughter will respect you a million times more too (not that she already does-she feels it more than you I imagine- kids pick up on everything) ❤ Love to you and good luck xxx
I totally understand this. My husband does the same. The entire house just feels down and cold when he comes home. We all go to our rooms while he occupies the living room. Once he leaves, the life is back in the home. I know I need to leave and I'm going to. I just have to financially figure it out.
If she waits any longer, eighteen years will fly by if a child comes along, and it'll be the loneliest experience of her life. When the kids get into teenage years, then she'll be alone in parenting, while simultaneously being alone in her marriage. Ask me how I know. My youngest is going on 18, my husband and I are strangers- while 'celebrating' passing anniversaries that should be growing together, but instead we're just drifting further away from each other.
I changed. I mean I've worked so hard to be steady, consistent, mentally challenging myself to be the healthiest version of myself. I know who I am. I know I'm lovable. I know I'm worth it. I'm worth celebrating and sharing life with. I'm worth my husband wanting to dance with me, date nights and fun times. I just don't think I'm worth it to him. And that breaks my heart.
I'm thankful she got away. I pray she realizes how beautiful she is and she continues her journey without him.
I am very sorry for you. You deserve better. Feeling lonely in a relationship is one of the worst feelings ever.
18 yrs can fly by even without kids.
Same here. Sorry your in it too.
@Lala89856 Please don't feel sorry for me, I've learned so much since I was younger. Honestly, I chose poorly. I picked. I knew earlier in our relationship that he had his own issues. I guess I just expected him to do the work, like I did. I didn't want to drag him into it. And he has always been a good provider. It's just not all I need. And I've finally realized that's okay, it's expected, it's normal.
@SherryEllesson I imagine you're right, I don't have that experience.
I went through that. He had every excuse in the world to sleep in the spare bedroom. When we were first married, it was the mattress hurt his back. So I bought a new bed. Then he complained that I snored, or my breath stunk. He rarely, if ever, wanted s-x. He continually admonished me about every single thing I did, like I was a little girl. He said I didn’t know how to do laundry, my cooking was terrible, my choices in reading materials were bad, I didn’t know how to dress, on and on. It was so bad that when I was in labor with our son I was afraid he would complain about how I gave birth incorrectly. I was starved for affection. I was 27, he was 38. I had been married before and had two children. I took care of myself, the children, the house and worked. No reason for his BS. One day I was cleaning and found used tissues in the bed where he had slept the night before. And he wasn’t using them to blow his nose!! That hellish marriage lasted five years. I left and filed for divorce. Of course he then begged and pleaded for reconciliation. By then I despised him. I went on my way and never looked back.
And no, I didn’t gain weight. I was young and attractive and meticulous about myself.
Walk away from this man! You deserve so much more!
I’m so sorry you went through that!! What you’re describing sounds way more intense than “just” dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It seems more along the lines of narcissistic abuse where your ex-husband constantly needed to put you down, criticize you, condescend to you, etc. in order to make himself feel better by making you inferior and blaming you for everything. I experienced something like that in my early 20s (not marriage but long-term relationship) and it messed me up pretty good. Really breaks down your self-esteem. I’m glad you found a way to leave and reclaim your life! 🙌🏼✨ All the best to you!!!
Women shouldn't snore. That's terrible man! I mean it's one thing for men to snore but women snoring? Couple that with sour breath...man that's just terrible! Might as well wake up next to dog smelling their bad breath. At least keep some Clorets on the night stand. I mean GAWD!!!
Damn he sounded like a nightmare! 😮
I think some men prefer masturbation because it’s all fantasy and zero intimacy!
Good for you! And better for your kids!
My husband is a Dismissive Avoidant, and I'm just about out the door. It's a LONELY marriage, if I can even call it that. Zero intimacy (3 years), no connection. My children have no relationship with him, so everyone just goes in their rooms and shuts their doors when he's home from work. It's just awful.
So sad 😞
Wow this is my life. It's been 15 years though. I would say get out now. Don't get stuck just because you signed some dumb paper. You can start over. Your kids will thank you.
@@chrissyellem7397 It's been 10 years for me. I can't imagine going another 5 this way. It's only for financial reasons that I'm still here at this point. If I could afford it all on my own, I would have left long ago.
@@christinan2928 I'm sorry. I'm disabled now and no new man would put up with my health issues at this point. So that's why I stay.
@@chrissyellem7397 oh gosh, I understand that too... Feeling like who would want me and my entire situation. I have a daughter who has borderline personality disorder and it's HARD. I can't imagine any man wanting to sign up for it. I fear I will be alone.
My mother in law dealt with this. She stayed. Cancer got her at an early age. Find your happiness while you still can.
May I ask what kind of cancer?
@@p1nkwat3r81small intestine very rare lymphoma
don't let those pesky vows get in the way
This happened to my mom and I think the toxic relationship caused the cancer
@@azimuthbusinesscenterexactly. Promising to meet your wife’s needs shouldn’t get in the way of you breaking that promise and becoming a eunuch. Clown.
Never let anyone tell you twice that they don't want you.
The crazy thing is he's such a coward that he probably never said that. She has to decipher by his actions.
THIS
He's NOT saying it. Then when she leaves, he's going to say "80% of divorces are initiated by women."
👍
He's most likely gay
My ex husband ended up like this. He had unresolved trauma he wouldnt deal with. Eventually i asked him if he wanted to stay married, and he gave me the lamest non-commital response. I knew my answer by that alone and filed for divorce. He tried to get me to sleep with him after we separated! He turned into someone i didn't know and he wouldn't work on it. There are things that cant be fixed no matter how hard you try. Move on, itll get better.
Get out now. You made a mistake. There are no kids…. Run
🎯🎯🎯
Exactly!!!!!!! It's so much easier to go before the children come!!!
Agreed, sometimes the dysfunction does not reveal itself until time passes and they are comfortable with the situation. This is why we need to assure both sons, daughters are prepared mentally, financially to end that legal contract.
Woman or man, it's okay to separate from someone who doesn't love you properly. And it's okay, get out before the resentment comes but I know it's harder said than done. Whoever is dealing with this I pray you find peace love joy and true freedom in this life and in the next ❤🙌🏾
He's probably gay and or getting off on porn. Get out ..He's not a real man. Sorry.
Her husband gives off the "She left me for no reason" energy.
He was blindsided! 😂😂😂😂
Which will probably turn into “I’m sure she cheated on me, she has someone else,…” bs.
Not his behaviour, impossible!
I very weary of people who say "I don't know why she left me..." Because if you knew, then she probably wouldn't have left. More chances you would've worked things out. 🤷
@a.b.2850 yep!
Thai is 100% what he will tell the next woman.
It is painful, but this guy can never be the man you want him to be. He sounds like he is emotionally and mentally stunted. Watch out for him hoovering you back into the relationship and then falling back into the same cycle of behavior that he has already shown you. Nothing will change. I lived it for 36 years myself, then left for my own sanity. And survival.
36 years?
❤
I can relate! And I know how people could stay for 36 years. We are going on 18 years married and I have been lonely for so long but we decided that it made more financial sense for me to stay home with our kids so now I am completely financially dependent on him. 4 kids, 3 still living at home. Me and the girls are very close because even though he has been here all along we have emotionally just had each other.
Distractions make it easier to stay and we don't fight constantly or anything like that so I can't say I have a bad life just unfulfilled in the relationship with my spouse category.
The older the kids get the more I wonder how much longer I can stay and what the heck will my future look like if I don't.
I can relate so much to this! I'm 8 years in and leaving with our dog and toddler in the next 48 hours. I'm devastated!! 😢
You mentioned your dog ahead of your toddler. Think on that.
I’m not the guy in the call but 5 years ago that description fit the bill for me. I felt this call for all the ways I no longer wish to be. I’m grateful that I found the courage to change. I hope for the callers husband that he finds the same. It is 100% worth the price of admission to not half ass the work and change.
Why were you like that and what did you do to change?
Yes, why were you distant and cold? How did you change? What should a woman do in this situation?
@@taghazoutmoon5031 The primary blocker for me was alcohol. Once I quit alcohol and went all in on recovery, I began to understand my personal character flaws that contributed to all the ways I was cold and distant. As for what a woman should do, that is difficult to generalize because each situation and person is different. Ultimately my wife developing boundaries and separating is what pushed me to start figuring it out. One of the really helpful things Dr. John says is ‘behavior is a language’ and I think looking for actual behavior changes in a person, even small ones, is key. I had to take responsibility to find my own solution, and that was reflected in my behavior and that gave my significant other data that I was making progress, if that makes sense.
@@houseofyarbs623 Alcohol abuse was my primary contributing factor, and quitting booze was the first step in my own personal changes. That was just the first step, however, it paved a path of discovery for me that I have walking since I quit.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you please share more detail?
I’m going through the same thing and it doesn’t get better. Run before children get involved.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. I went through this for 22 years. I left 10 years ago and it was so unbelievably difficult because of our children.
Lady, run. You’re free! I don’t think this woman should seek any closure from him, his detachment is sufficient. Meeting at a restaurant etc is pointless at this point.
I totally agree!
Totally pointless
I swear being with a dismissive avoidant will create constant confusion and unhappiness. It will rob you of your confidence- and if you tell them what you want or need it’s almost as if they’re determined to NOT give it to you.
It’s emotionally devastating and incredibly lonely.
Within 6 months of living together everything changed- no more intimacy, and lots of other promises were broken.
It feels as if you’re being discarded, thrown away.
It’s also easy to confuse with narcissism but it makes me wonder if there’s a bit of that thrown in as well.
I hope this lady doesn’t go back - it doesn’t get better… they breadcrumb you back and then do the same thing over and over, no matter how much you try to love them.
Right they breadcrumb you when they sense you ´ré about to leave
Deedelando: That’s my question as well! Is Dismissive Avoidance the same as narcissism? They know what they’re doing. They know they’re withholding and do it anyway. They know it hurts you and continue to withhold. That sounds a lot like control! It seems to build their ego to see you suffer and try so hard. Either way, whatever the diagnosis, the behavior is the same and it’s sick!
This has just got me thinking about someone I knew. When you tell them how great something they did was, the next time you find they turn it round completely and change it/don’t do it anymore? That’s what he used to do!
@@mysticjen379 I know. It’s a no win situation. No matter what you do, it doesn’t matter!
my gosh, a wife that wants to talk about having more physical intimacy and ways to work around the issues going on….. where do I find one of those? 😂
I was her. For 27 years. Please don’t wait that long 😢
Same 😢
Omg. 27 years of my life too I dedicated myself to him.
I wasted 25 years of my life on someone that didn’t care for me.
He didn’t love me at all.
I was just his possession.
He liked owning me.
Well, that was put to an end 6 years ago, he still blames me for walking out and tearing our family apart. Both my daughters were 15 and 13 at the time and both encouraged me to leave him. Of course I took them both with me.
We are very happy in our lives now.
I needed to end it and leave I was dying.
17 years for me...
😂😂 so you were all the whiney wives that takes no initiative but blames the man for everything.
@@chapinfowler3332it's impossible to make something work with someone incapable of accountability. Too many men too weak to be honest about what they actually want. Like this fool who tortured this woman because he was too weak to accept that he didn't want to be married. Unfortunately immaturity seems to have destroyed the men in our society.
I've dated a guy like this. He is narcissistic with avoidant behavior. I am happy and relieved when I broke up with him. People like them will destroy you to the very core. They will take everything from you until the last drop of your blood and will say it's your fault. They won't change and never will. They don't have self awareness. They don't think something is wrong with them nor believe in self improvement, if anything, it's you that has a problem. Run! Better be single and alone than be married with someone like this. It's a death sentence to your soul. Run and never look back. Save yourself and your kids.
Dismissive avoidant is no joke. They’d make you starve for attention and affection.
Yet ppl keep chasing us. That’s on them
No joke.
@@moderngoblin You can't understand because you are missing something. The goal of relationships is attachment. Nobody wants to be there for no reason.
@@moderngoblin why be in a relationship when you don’t want intimacy? Defeates the whole purpose of being together. Don’t waste other people’s time if you’re scared of closeness.
they start off by being normally attached, then the avoidant surfaces. If they were avoidant from day one, no one would date them. So they know they have to modify in order to catch someone
"I'm not a perfect person, but I have been a really great wife". I can relate to this caller so much. It sounds like she's been trying really hard.
I know the feeling. I’m not perfect but I work hard to make sure I’m being a good wife.
Dismissive avoidant sounds like a convenient excuse for being a jackal.
@@itzyogirl100all while they don’t give a damn
She needs to let it go, when u do then they come 💋
@@IMBLESSED-oe6dlit’s very hard though 😔. How do you tell the man you still love so much , I want a divorce or just go. But then again…. If he checks out the marriage there’s nothing you can do but get out with dignity.👌🏼
I wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self to just leave. They'll try to convince you, to charm you, to give you what you wanted to get you back once you're gone only to tear you down in every small way so that you don't feel like you deserve any better than them. It's death by a thousand papercuts. Not being seen or heard or to matter to the person who is closest to you is so deadening.
Yes. There is no closure. There is no explanation. He will admit nothing.
@@lmiller1413he will say "i didn't do nothing" 🙄
You cant fix him. Dont let him destroy you. You've tried a lot - the ball is on his side for a lond time. You sound like incredible person - take care of yourself girl 👍 I'm sure you deserve a better life 👍
Sometimes people need to accept that they are being emotionally defrauded and know how to calmly back away. It can happen to anyone. Striving only exhausts the one who strives
Run lady and rebuild your life. Move to a bigger town like Greenville, SC (down the road) and really change your environment.
864 stand up! Born and raised in Greenville. Went to Mauldin HS 😄.
Hey SC peeps!! Born and raised in Charleston
Born and raised in Boston but SC is my next move away from a roommate type marriage thanks
Separate bedrooms no intimacy almost 20 years in our 50’s was miserable
Leave
I was married to a man who ignored me. Every time we had a fight, he would give me the silent treatment. I tried to talk to him and resolve it but it was always the same. We tried counseling and it didn't work out because he would say yes "we will work it out." The time we left therapy he would be back to his same distant behavior. Being with someone and still feel alone is the worst feeling. After my AVM surgery, I decided to divorce him. It's been 10 years and I made the best decision in my life. I started therapy and it helped me so much. Focusing on myself, working on my goals, traveling etc...
Good for you!
@@meetandinspire thank you
Ehat happened with him? Did he want the divorce as well?
My husband is the same. I hope to leave him soon, but I am not sure I could support myself. My kids say I can do it if I had do. I would make a way. I’m glad you found your freedom!
@@sharengustafson4096Start now and get a part time job or a study course . Then a full time job .
This is what’s scary about marriage. You build this life together based on your feelings. You wake up one day and either one of you could feel differently, and then have to uproot your life.
well put. modern people are too fickle and divorce is too easy an out.
Im bored or im not happy can equal losing your house, kids, assets, pension and paying alimony. Im good on all that.
Should be made that neither side gets rewarded when you get divorced it should be hard and both should be penalized equally if divorce it made
Marriage is not for modern times. Anything based on feelings that can change is doomed
Who builds a life together based on feelings? That is not a marriage. Marriage is duty, honor and commitment. It is not always fun. Feelings are not an appropriate decision making protocol for adults.
Some people get it. Others never will
I am very sorry for this lady. I dealt with a man like this for 3 years, and it was hell. He made everything he could to get me to leave him so he could play the victim and have his mother and sister team up with him and tell me bad things. He was almost 40, and he would rather play video games than fix anything with me. He was abusive, and because he never hit me, he was a good man, according to his family.
40 and playing video games? Where do you women find these dudes?? 🤨😂 Did he sit around watching DragonBall Z too?
@tonytoni1150 Well, I didn't know he played video games until we lived together. He pretended to be a good man until he got me to fall in love. Some people switch you know.
Last one now. I was told men typically wont leave until they find someone new. I feel you lady, oh so much. Sending you love ❤
@progress_over_perfection In my case, he always had women around, even exes, to get what he wanted. This I learned later. I also learned that he never liked me, I wasn't his type. He just wanted me around for his selfish reasons.
@@tonytoni1150 I don't think there's anything wrong with playing video games, as long as it doesn't affect other aspects of your life. My husband plays PC games - hell he played them with his father who was 75 years old - but he knows not to do them all day and be present for me and the kids. Just like with most things, as long as it's in moderation what's the big deal?
This lady is smart! It’s called Intimacy anorexia. I lived it for 30 yrs 😢. I had severe emotional problems over it & my body got sick as well. These men want a woman to love them but they won’t love the woman back… Divorce him now before he makes you mental! Find a man who will really love you!
God yes. Me too. Over 30 years wasted. The p*rn was his wife. There were additional lies that uncovered after I started to look at his bills
I was so naive and trusting.
Facts 💯
Was your husband overly close to his mother? If so, it wasn't simply intimacy anorexia, he was a mother-enmeshed-man who played out mother-revenge on you. Look it up!
@ He absolutely hated his mother! My ex-husband had a poker face, he never let me see who he really was. I didn’t know that he hated his mother until after she died. The Times that he did open up to me, he said it in a way that made someone else responsible for his feelings. It was their fault. His mother hated nice people. She told me she hated me because I was too nice. Everywhere she went she reamed peoples asses if she felt that they were incompetent, even if they weren’t.
She reamed her nurse, her doctor and anybody to feel powerful over them! I imagine that my ex shut down his heart had a very young age so he could cope with his mother and his alcoholic father. This will tell you the kind of person. His mother put an hit on my ex-husband‘s first wife. She offered Jim’s best friend $ to come on to her so Jim wouldn’t marry her
but he wouldn’t. It’s a good thing that some people have integrity. She also tried to run her off the road.
My ex-husband gave me everything but himself in the 30 years that we were married. We never once had a marriage conversation. I would spill out my heart to him and chase him down in the nice way, but he would always walk away and refuse to talk . Now that we are no longer married, it has been almost 4 years. He is starting to be vulnerable to me which makes sense bcz he no longer has anything to lose since we’re not together. He told me that he put on a perfect persona but on the inside he wasn’t feeling secure. By being so afraid of getting hurt he ripped out my heart & in the end he ripped at his own… I believe that people like my ex need to have a partner to feed off of them… they derive their happiness off of feeling superior & and much needed… they’re afraid to make their spouse feel secure… they’re afraid that if their partner feels secure with them that they’ll be happy & that’s the last thing that they want. The person who’s being spiritually, emotionally & physically starved will eventually go insane… My ex had a way of making me feel guilty for needing & wanting him. He made me feel like I had the problem, but my subconscious knew that wasn’t true! I had absolutely nobody to turn to. When I did try Jim made me out to be the troubled one. My ex was a pro at gaslighting! End the end I wanted to kill myself but I ended up leaving our house for a yr to get away from his manipulation. I ended up getting the house & he paid it off, yeah!
So many comments blaming men for this. I'm a man who just divorced a wife like this. I begged for marriage counseling for ten years. When we finally went she quit after four sessions. I beg her to interact with it kids and she replies, "I don't interact with people." I can't innumerate 18 years of marriage that felt like being a dad to a spoiled teenager here, but i wanted to comment that it isn't just men.
Thank you for sharing! I believe that!
You're exactly right!! Anybody can be like this.
Sorry that you're so triggered by facts, but this is absolutely WAY more common for men to be like this in a relationship. Sure, some women can be too but this is mainly men who are like this. Facts are facts, and they aren't gonna care or worry about your feelings or reaction to those facts.
@@horrorqueen3577share your data?
@@horrorqueen3577You seem to be the one triggered by a man asking for compassion. Your comment was unnecessarily cold and cruel. If genders had been reversed I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate a man being dismissive towards a woman who is owning and claiming her trauma. But, because it was a man attempting to do so it doesn't matter? How dare he? This man has 18 years of trauma from a woman like the man in this story. And he also indicated they have children in the mix who are so clearly deprived of maternal affection which means they are also traumatized. And he has been desperately trying to over compensate for that. Instead of recognizing and acknowledging his struggles you are cold, cruel, and dismissive. Passive aggressively saying "sorry you're triggered but, tough tits" essentially.
This is to the comment thread OP---Unfortunately, we do hear this type of behavior more commonly aligned with men. However, I don't think there's a biological relationship. I think it's a cultural issue. Men aren't being raised appropriately and this is the result. Like John said, it isn't a disorder. Attachment styles are solely environmentally formed. It is not a man vs woman thing. It's a parenting style failure. I'm so sorry you suffered like this. And I'm so sorry your kids have been caught in the crossfire. I'm glad you finally left her and I'm hoping for healing for you and your family.❤
Trying to love a dismissive avoidant individuals is an emotionally devastating exercise in futility. Honey, run and never look back. You will save yourself a lifetime of hell.
Yep, found the stereotypical hurt woman in the comments section telling otherpeople to run from their relationships.
Thanks youtube warrior. Not appreciated.
@@joetheboy04I'd trust a woman who's been through it more than an internet troll who's whole intent with their comments is literally to make strangers feel bad.
Phew!
Thank God most people who listen to this show know better.
My wish for you is that you find meaningful work that engages you and inspires the best in you to express itself with integrity in every area of your life.
Including the internet.
Good luck creating that future for yourself. Long term, it might hold much more value than the temporary high or laugh you get from putting others down.
Especially once you realize that your comments say more about your character than that of the person you are responding to.
All the best. Cheers to redirecting your focus towards success. 🎉
@joe, I find your user name ironically fitting. Joe the Boy is correct, you sound like an insecure man-child.
@@brightpage1020 this is a perfect advice for the women (and men) telling others to run from any difficult relationship. Weak generation. Getting along is not easy and our parents coddled us into hyper individualists who focus on their own struggles and stay blind to the plight of others. Did you once hear her say how she contributed to the problem? Yet here you are passing judgement on half a story. Your advice is ironically perfect for you.
My husband was like this...until he was diagnosed with Autism at 50. His diagnosis has been life changing. It's not been easy but explains so much. Take care of you. ❤
It may explain it but do you still have several or all unmet needs in a relationship? Habitually? I mean there is still damage even if it's autism.
I came looking in the comments to see if anyone else mentioned autism. My husband was just recently diagnosed so maybe it’s just front of mind, but the first thing that I thought as she was describing her husband was that he sounds autistic.
I think my husband is too but he is too stubborn to get tested
My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago and he's still a terrible, selfish husband. It explains his quirks but it doesn't explain how he can say he loves me but treats me like crap. The diagnosis for that is JERK. No excuse. I make it very clear what my very few basic needs are and how to meet them, he just doesn't want to.
This is so crazy!! I feel like I’m listening to myself calling in!! Except she’s actually leaving. Well done!!
Don't leave and violate your covenant of marriage
If you're that unhappy, you probably would be happier single.
Thank you Dr. Delaney, I am one of those million of women out there that needed to hear this information. I am worth more, I do deserve the truth. Thank you!!!!
I think the worst part of this is when one is financially dependent on the person.
I agree. It also sucks when you want out but know the person is financially dependent on you. I know someone who wants out but their spouse is ill, aging, and would not have the ability to enter the workforce. They stay to ensure the care of their spouse despite the sacrifice.
@@mirsumm8431 True
@@mirsumm8431 you make it sound like their spouse is aging and yet they are not. That’s what marriage is all about staying with it when your spouse is sick and ailing and,unavoidably so, aging.
CHOOSE not to be financially dependent on a person. There are options. I have been a homeless, single mom and was able to find a way. Do NOT use this as an excuse to stay in ab abusive relationship.
@@peaches615glad you made it but that is historically not the case for women. Especially if she is older and depending on what she looks like. It doesn’t have a happy ending.
This could be my story. I got divorced after 7 years of marriage and met my current husband. Our relationship is night and day and I’m so grateful I made the brave choice, and you will be too.
gross
So happy to hear you've found someone wonderful!
So jealous! I wanted to get divorced at that point but my church leader and my Mom pressured me to stay and encouraged me to have a baby with him. 10 years later it's been absolute HELL. I have left that church and working on finding my way out of this marriage but this post-2020 economy makes it soooo much harder to get divorced and be a single parent.
@@SENSEF i was fortunate that I was the breadwinner and didn't have to worry about supporting myself but didn't yet have kids- so I totally empathize with your situation.
6:53-8:37. I hope she lets that sink in. It’s spot on.
10 years in and we share a home with no communication during the day. One of us goes away for a couple of days still nothing. Can't count the number of times we have talked about this. Go to bed at different times. Honeymoon period lasted 4 months. I totally get the version you want to see. He's from a large family of siblings and believes that the only person who can be relied on is you. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
I can't stand that. Mine flies to see his daughter across the country. He never even texts me the whole time! I don't even know if he's alive or the plane went down.
Oh my goodness! Been there! John- you articulated this beautifully! ‘Cuts off oxygen in the room’ and then you leave, and then he tells a sob story, she cheated/she left me. 😐
Many women can relate. It’s surprising how many men hide this issue and expect the woman to just deal with it, since polite society pretends women don’t have sexual desire. Personally, I think he KNEW he had this issue and he faked it until they were settled and then shut down actually getting treatment. I think he selfishly just wanted a mother/maid, who won’t ask questions.
Totally agree. My ex tried when we were dating. Once we got engaged, it stopped. We had sex on our wedding night, 1st anniversary and second anniversary and that was it.
You bozos realize this is the anomaly compared to the other way around? Majority men are stuck in a sexless marriage not the other way around. I guarantee if the gender roles were reversed in this, you women would be screaming how he should stick with her and work it out. Or that he was a dead beat for leaving over this.
I can relate it's happening to me
Why does it seem like a lot of couples are mis matched. Too many couples seem to be this way.
Lots change you after marriage management:
kids,
mortgage payments,
Job changes or losses
Risks like starting businesses
Educational debts...
Medical insurance
Working in different worlds, spheres...
Adulthood in general comes with a lot to manage. ADHDers have a challenge there for sure, but like she says there are systems and we can cope using those. We can rise above our condition by sustaining some extra efforts and planning for when we run out of steam to adjust.
Somebody that treats you like all you're good for is washing the dishes doesn't want a wife. Doesn't need someone to love, honor, and cherish.
Just doesn't want to pay a maid or can't afford a cook but takes advantage of anyone willing to fill those roles for free, and abuse them.
It's misery for women that love people unable or unwilling to connect.
Misery.
And they'll find other outlets to use for loneliness or horniness when they feel that. The avoidants will.
Because to go where the expectation is connection even when vulnerable is too intimidating for them. Too scary.
It's because all the shows you watch are about hurt hurt people. What the algorithm feeds you on the Internet is not reality!
@@brightpage1020Not to mention “ Autism “ on the spectrum.
that's why men should just avoid marriage. It's not good for women. All the functions of a wife can be replaced by paid services and friendships.
people with anxious attachment styles tend to seek out those with avoidant
I spent 23 years in this exact kind of marriage. Don't waste your time and get out now. They don't change. The divorce was the best thing I've ever done.
Sadly, she married a 12 year in an adults body. He is stuck with the reasoning ability of the average 12 year old boy. He either got too much mommy as a kid, or not enough.
Exactly like my husband.
He started drugs at this age as well which halted his maturity in every way.
Too much. Not enough tough love to engage that happy suffering channel. We suffer for those we love. Love yourself. Suffer for that MFr, too
Crazy how he’s a 12 year old boy for not reciprocating. Yes he ain’t right but he’s not acting like a child either. You really must be slow. He simply doesn’t love her or care to put any effort into her
With avoidants it is intimacy specifically that they can’t do, because of not receiving proper love and care as babies. Their brains wired to learn “that person I love hurts me, I’m safer if I stay away”. It’s subconscious they don’t even know they have a problem that other attachment styles DONT experience! The avoidant can still want a relationship because we are all wired for connection but it’s intimacy and closeness is when their brains turn on deactivating mechanisms like disgust for partner, devaluing partner, seeing partner in all the worst ways, and they don’t even know their brains are actually malfunctioning from more “normal” attachment styles 😢
I love John but he’s wrong, it cannot be healed or fixed. I advise any person to stay away from them, they can only hurt you in the long run. The beginning only is possible for them because intimacy isn’t there yet…
85% of the husbands out there are looking for a mother. He wants you to cook for him clean up after him be his best friend because he has no real friends. When it comes to sex the intimacy is flat and nonexistent. You’re lucky if you don’t have 3 or 4 kids under his name that he expects you to take care of while he barely holds a job.
That’s what women want. A lil boy that they have control over. Like E-40 once said, “if you could, you would.” If she could do better, she would, but she can’t.
No they are looking for someone who wants to remain sexually active and will continue to pursue sex. Most of these women who call in have abandon sex and they all wonder why the husbands are depressed. That alone would solve 90% of marriage issues. Men aren’t that complicated.
American women are not traditional wife material. Thanks for confirming. I do agree that this man needs to stop avoiding his problems.
85% of married women don't want to be wives. She might have rejected him repeatedly and he gave up. We're hearing one side of the story. Most women expect a husband to plan every weekend until the end of time and guys get tired of that.
Dude, did you even listen to the call? Within the first 3 minutes she explained that he lost interest in having sex with her. She still wanted to have sex with him and went through counseling to try to improve the sexual intimacy problem but he had basically checked out of the marriage.
I think there's more to this story than "he doesnt want to be married to you". I love Dr. D, but I cant stand when he makes these huge unilateral conclusions based on 15 min of a one-side convo. His reduction in sexual initiation could be explained several ways, from personal/financial lack of confidence, health issues, or maybe he simply got tired of always initiating since I didn't hear her mention anything about her attempts at initiation being rebuffed, she just said the frequency dropped off, and she expected him to 'want to correct it'. Thanks to this convo, he will ALWAYS be the bad guy in her mind.
It's easy to see that when someone tells you they're leaving and they basically say, "okay, bye." He doesn't care for her and doesn't want to keep her.
My story was very similar… only it took me 19 years to realize that I wasn’t being valued and respected. Jealousy was the weapon that killed our relationship, and when I finally said enough - it was the best decision I could have made.
It wasn’t easy. Single mom to two young girls - but I knew that letting my girls see me struggle THEN come out the other side, to prosper and be happy with myself - was the best gift I could give them!
It’s not easy - but you are an amazing young lady. You already know that he’s not going to rise to the occasion (in more ways than one!)… so lesson learned. Now go grab the life you deserve to be living!
24 years and I totally understand this wife. My husband is more on his phone and on singing apps than with me or his daughter. We literally are roommates. Yet neither one of us wants to be the “bad guy” and break it off. 😢
24 years. Better to stay married. The divorce lawyers would have a field day on your marriage
@Emily It's NEVER to late to get out, unless you are dead. GET OUT. Neither of you wants to be the bad guy? If breaking it off when you two are really "not together" anyways, you will not be the bad guy. Even if so, so be it.
You need to call that behavior out and set boundaries and expectations for him to abide by. That is not appropriate behavior for a husband and father. It’s not appropriate behavior for ANYONE!
Yet you're here sitting on your phone on RUclips instead of talking to him about the issue
@@boston312 You sound rediculous. Get real. Divorce lawyers "have at it." Personal happiness and sanity are more important.
They don’t change. My mom sat with a a male toddler that resembled a man for 25 years. Save yourself the headache. They can mature somewhere else
40 years of this marriage I wish there would have been someone to tell me I was worth more 20 or 30 years ago. This control and manipulation cost me my kids and my grandson. I am now taking care of him while he is with terminal cancer. I am still battling my own cancer. (I am in remission) but I am exhausted. He has no remorse for anything he has done. And I don't feel like he is even trying to fight to live. He expects me to bathe, and dress him, get him to his treatments...etc. he says it's to difficult. I am only saying this in hopes she will see it will not get better. When a man is this narcissistic the expectation from him only gets bigger. BTW while I was going through treatments, he never went to a single treatment with me. Not even a phone call to check on me after I was done.
Linda, you are still on time to move away from the situation. Do not allow his cancer to eat you up and put you back where he is, God doesn’t want that for you. Help him get hospice through the health insurance. That’s what the doctor is recommending for you. Go to another State/warm & sunny to get your therapies.
Blessings to you.
Have you considered getting him sogned up for hospice? Get some help with his daily care so that you don't make yourself sick again.
@lynnebucher6537 thank you, yes they come out once a week to help. It will increase in time. They keep a close eye on things. He was diagnosed in December, he had no insurance at the time. He finally got insurance last month. It has been a hell of a journey.
@@sthrnbll2u65 God bless you, he will renew your spirit and will return everything that you have loss. Pray daily for yourself and surrender for his peace. It has done amazing things in my life. I was at the edge for years and he pull me back overnight. As a child I had the fortune to go to Catholic school, but I was never religious however I did pray and he finally make me know, he was listening. Go out for yourself do exercise, even in you home, do chair yoga it would calm your mind. Blessings
I would leave him in a heartbeat I hope you choose yourself
Iam a 38 old man, been with my wife for 10 years married 6, i finally given up 2024 and stopped asking myself what's wrong with me , i always thought it was me.
I have tried somany different approaches, counseling, private lunches, long drives, romantic getaways, direct communication, indirect communication, even a puppy last year..... and more, I am lucky if I get a head nod, even if she says yes the actions dont follow.
I started becoming angry and have outbursts of frustration, i became depressed and lost all my self esteem, we have separated into different rooms and she seems quite fine, seems she only needs me me for things " men are handy " fix the car do the plumbing, uber, she will assist me financially if i need it, and she keeps me guessing and begging in a knee with no adult discussions.
I cant breath and i have to let go of a life we, I built.
There is no adult conversations.
Its like shes a 14 year old, whays confusing is thay she has a senior position at work, all these things play on my mind.
There is no Tenacity for the relationship as Dr. Delony said it.
So many good women are out here who want love and affection that you mentioned. Why do y’all waste years of life on ppl who clearly don’t like you ?
Get out and be with a woman who wants your love!
Im so sorry! That’s heartbreaking. You are worthy of love!
Poor girl. He needs to come clean with what his problem is. Stringing her along isn't fair.
He probably likes men
She is married to a narcissist who does not have the guts to pull the plug on the marriage because he doesn't want to look bad, so it's easier for him to make her feel crazy than to end the marriage and go through the work of separating or financial woes of divorce.
I feel for this lady.
Since he won't let go, it's on her. So she should stop wasting time and start building a life she loves. With or without him.
She needs to focus on her:
Financial
Physical
Educational (educating herself on narcissism)
Spiritual
Social
Development - with or without him. If she gets herself stabilized and takes responsibility for her own happiness then he might either be inspired to step up his game to be with her in a grown up way or it will be so painfully and abundantly clear that he can't or won't grow with her but she'll be in a strong enough position to dump him in a way that creates more stability for her long term.
Overused word alert!
Lol No. Not everyone is a nArCiSsIsT.
@@royh2618 Exactly... everyone just loves to say and type that word. They dont even know what it means.
Stop using that word narcissist so much, people. Good grief. It loses ALL its meaning.
All these Ramsey cult members enjoy breaking up marriages.
Dr. Deloney's advice was literally what my folks said to us in high school "once you graduate, you're in college or/and have a job, otherwise, you choose a new roof because this one will no longer be available to you."
The fact that this is the advice - to a grown man... Shows what Deloney thinks of immature husbands. They might as well go back to high school.
Reverse the genders in this scenario and see if it still sounds right. "If she isn't suckin or f*ckin, go live under a new roof." He would be called controlling and abusive and a misogynist and toxically masculine.
Run. You are NOT crazy. Did 19 yrs of that and it destroyed me. The doc is saying WHAT I could not get 6 therapists to say to me!! Now I 💯 know (10 yrs afterwards) you need out- period. No hovering!
I am so sorry. I’m going through a situation so so similar in my life. It hurts so fucking bad to try so hard and to love someone so much and to not be reciprocated or worth any effort to them. I hope one day I can be unconditionally loved
My ex is the same! He’d rather sleep with random people. Fear of intimacy or connection. The closer you get the more he would run away! His mother is enmeshed with him which causes the avoidance attachment. Move on if he is not seeking to heal himself
He's a mother-enmeshed-man which is a whole extra set of problems. Seriously, Google the term. Dr Kenneth Adams has very good information on how disastrous this problem is. Especially the mother-revenge they play out on their wife, treating her how he wishes he could've treated his overbearing mother.
My daughter's father is one of those cowards. I let it go and started to have a peaceful and happy life with my daughter. He's around but we don't give him any of our time or efforts. It's so much healthier and wouldn't go back.
You should have vetted him before having a baby for him.
@kingdele01 ho no wouldn't change anything for the world. She's the best thing I could ever wished for.
@@pugscaniche7866 I'm sure mothers who made the decision to go get pregnant for absentee fathers, and the child later ended up in Jail also thought they wouldn't change it for the world.
@@kingdele01 🤣🤣 idiotic comment and won't waste my time doing it... Goodbye 👋
@@kingdele01awful thing to say. You sound like you have issues.
Proof that Love is never enough. Once he’s fully threatened he will knock her up and delay the divorce for the next 18 years. She will act like the grass is green enough but fails to notice it’s crab grass.
As though she has no say in if she would get pregnant or not.
People love the idea of you until that reality fizzles
@@kingdele01He'll lovebomb her into it. She's a devoted wife, he'll give her the illusion of loving her back just to baby trap her. Yeah... ask me how I know. 🤨 10 more years to go on my sentence, trying to find a way out sooner.
Before you said he was avoidant, I knew. Right right from the start.
When you said he persued you and when he had you he did not care anymore. Like after 2 months.
That's every guy I ever met. And particularly my ex.
Mind you, I chose them specifically because I have avoidant attachment style, too. (Does not mean you have it).
I subconsciouly knew they were emotionally unavailable and they obviously did not want commitment but I was going to be the one who changed their minds. It does not seem to be your case but he is definetely avoidant. The good thing of all this is that he knows! Most men I met were not aware. And you can't fix a problem you do not know you have.
I have a guy friend who is THE MOST OBVIOUS avoidant I have ever seen. And he needs to sleep around with every girl he can to have any sort of self-esteem, to get reassurance. He says he needs variety. I am not saying that's your man. I am just laying out behavior. They are terrified of intimacy because when they most needed it, it was not there.
So they (we) learn that craving intimacy from our caretakers and not having is so very painful that we train ourselves to just not need it. We learn that we are not worthy of love. We cannot trust that intimacy can be there for us in a constant bases. Intimacy is literally PAINFUL and we will do ANYTHING to avoid it at all costs. Whenever you try to get close, we will run the other way. But if you pull back, we will come to you (usually).
Get out as soon as you recognize this is happening or you will have a life sentence in this reality. A wife is not your mother, sister or roommate period. Run run now!
I went through the same thing and did not have intimacy for 13 years except to have our kids. We went to therapy 5 times and something clicked for my husband and here we are at year 20 of our marriage! Don't give up. I have some resentment, but that's my problem and I am dealing with it. Finding a new therapist for just me to get over the resentment. He's a wonderful dad and an attentive husband in other ways. If you can and it's safe for you to, try to hang in there. I was one more counseling session from hiring an attorney. It CAN get better if you really love each other. It's a two-way street.
Living this right now. It’s so hard and such a lonely place to be in.
I'm someone who is a Dismissive Avoidant personality type and honestly had no idea what it was until someone told me
Pair that with people telling me how they felt about me, that pushed me to learn to be different
Buddy needs to fix up
Did you get this diagnosed by a professional and not just defending on the armchair diagnosis of an amateur.
I agree with John on this one. As I listened to her it sounded like the guy just doesn’t want to be married to her. Probably he got married for the wrong reasons, social pressure, fear, loneliness etc. it’s not something he actually wanted but he’s not strong enough to be honest
Dr John, you should start something special for men specifically for building/prepping them to be someone who can be the anchor for their wives and people around them. Men need it and you would do so great at it.
I agree they are not disorders. These labels we put on people are rarely helpful. You are never stuck with a diagnosis. All therapists and psychiatrists do are diagnosis you with what vibration you are currently stuck in usually do to childhood trauma and labeling it. People take that and use it to define themselves. It’s helpful to know what’s going on but it’s changeable with awareness. Awareness is the first mechanism of change. It is changeable!!! All of it is!!!
❤
YES!!! My husband and child whine about their Autism and I point out to them, "The richest man in the world is Autistic just like you. But he worked WITH his Autism, instead of against it. Your diagnosis explains how your brain works and why you have challenges others don't. Now you work WITH that knowledge to achieve great things. That knowledge empowers you! It's NOT an excuse to get out of working hard in life."
Ugh, I was in this situation years ago. Thank gods j didn’t marry him. Those 7 years engaged were the loneliest most miserable years of my life. I totally related to everything she said here. He was just emotionally checked out, yet he wanted to marry me? We’d go places and everything was for show… he’d get compliments that he has the finest grrl blah blah, and then we go home and he gets back to scrolling or on the computer. Even the therapist told him after 1 year to tell me that he will do nothing to improve our relationship so that I can make a decision and move on with my life. Every week he told the therapist he was too busy to do the exercises and he would next week. After a year, the therapist was fed up and said he has nothing left for us. He figured that paying all the bills was enough. I have a masters degree and my own bag…. I stayed out of hope for years, and then finally gave up and left. Once upon a time he was so passionate for me and said I was the best blah blah, and then I was an annoying pop stuck on the bottom of a shoe. Nothing I did was good enough. Every single holiday was ruined with bad moods and “this is stupid” vibes. I 1,000% relate to her call. She’ll be so much more relieved when she’s on her own and never has to subject herself to someone who treats her like she’s mediocre. I didn’t want to be alone, and loved him to the end of the earth, but to this day I’m so relieved that I’m no longer in that prison-situationship. I’m free to go to where I’m loved, and free to leave wherever I’m not adored. It’s simple.
My ex husband and my sister’s ex husband did the same things. It’s called “cerebral narcissism.” They never change; they can’t. They’re not normal. They hate you, but want to keep using you for energy and labor. Read, “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited,” and free yourself.
I feel for her. She deserves so much better. 😢❤
She should only go to the 30 day meet up if he has a job to tell her about. THEN go another 30 days and have him tell you how it's going. He has to SHOW you.
Ok I relistened to it a couple times, but I couldn't tell where she actually said that he was unemployed. What she said was, "I have to push him, he doesn't like hard things." Did I miss something?
wait, he is umemployed? Damn
So here's the thing, the only changes he will make are changes he wants to make for himself, because he intrinisically wants to.
He doesn't care about her. I wonder if he's gay? She shouldn't be running after someone who not only doesn't care about her, but also doesn't care about how his conduct is hurting her. She's not a priority to him. She should leave. And people don't change. He won't.
Woman: Our sex life is less than I expected. He doesn’t want to fix it.
John and Comment Section: Run! He’s bad!
Men Who Call: Our sex life is less than I expect. She doesn’t want to fix it.
John and Comment Section: What are you doing to make her not want sex with you? Value her differently first.
Many men will have sex with their wives even if they hate them..thats why it's weird when he won't at all.
Women need to feel emotionally safe to want to have sex with you.
We want it and initiate it for very different reasons
I was just thinking this!!!
The reasoning is simple-on average, for 99% of these issues, what makes a man not want to have sex with his wife (or plug in any other issue if you want) is TYPICALLY different than what makes a wife not want to have sex with her husband. I’m not sure why there are always men in the comments making this a “men vs women” thing on Dr John’s end. He’s working with the law of averages. If you take your car in to fix a problem, do you want the list of things that could be wrong in that particular make and model? Or do you want the mechanic to just give you everything irrespective of known issues for your specific car bc it’s “fair”? Men and women are different, and respond differently to different things, treating us like we’re all the same would be a disservice to those calling in. It doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions of course, but when he has only a few minutes to hear a story from one person in that relationship, he has to go with what’s most likely. I’m not sure why ppl don’t understand that and would rather make it about John having biases against men, it’s odd.
@@liz9284 - I see your brand of convenient feminism, and 🤢 🤮
@@liz9284- this is very well put 👏🏼👏🏼 a lot of guys in the comments here complain that it’s “so unfair” … instead of realizing that Dr John is simply acknowledging the research that shows that women losing sex drive or sexual attraction _often_ has to do with a lack of feeling respected or valued in the relationship and/or being overwhelmed with daily stuff like kids and chores. Women mostly need to feel no stress or tension, relaxed and supported before they’ll feel sexual at all.
Whereas for men it’s often different: they can still feel the urge for sex even when they’re stressed or overwhelmed because sex is like stress release for many men (not all, of course)… so even when the relationship isn’t always going great many men will still be up for sex because sex is when they feel valued and appreciated. For women it’s the opposite, they want to feel valued and appreciated outside of the bedroom before they feel the desire to get sexually intimate.
I think Dr John understands these tendencies (though of course they’re not true for everyone!) and so he recognizes that when a man is not wanting sex there are likely different underlying causes vs a woman not wanting sex.
Partners that think their partners will stay in a sexless relationship are simply delusional. Most of the time this is women doing this, but it definitely happens both ways.
You are wrong. I tried for years and years and got shut down every time. I have been suffering for 15 years. F-off.
Not most of the time.
It’s 50/50. Tons of men check out of physical intimacy. Today especially due to access to pornography. We need to ban porn, our society would be a lot better off.
100% it's way more common for women to opt to be roommates instead of men.
@@Chet_24 You’re just not gonna find a man bragging about not shagging his wife. Also, we usually feel ashamed when our needs aren’t met.
Sex is for procreation only. No other functions.
He already have a new fling. He doesn't want to man-up in life. Girl, go on with your life without him
I wish I could be friends with this woman. I am the daughter of a DA father and my partner, yes partner, not husband, of 10 years and father of my 3 young children is DA. I experienced a personal tragedy that he abandoned me within and fell down the rabbit hole, landing in attachment disorders. It has been heartbreaking. This interview has been very healing and has given me perspective on where I need to be in my own self value and to stand up for my own children. I have no one in my life who understands and no one to talk to about it. I admire and envy her sense of self worth and intelligence and aspire to reach it myself now.
Thank you for sharing your situation and know you arent alone.
After 13 years of being together, I finally found out what is the real reason that my husband is the way he is. 😢It’s absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. I thought it was me… all this time!
I went through something like this before when they change and start acting like a roommate and he was cheating online with men and meeting men. He would go out at night when I was sleeping saying he couldn't sleep so went on a walk and he would meet men I found out when I checked his phone when on my lunch break in the day when he was sleeping from being up "walking" all night and I had a chat about it with him it felt over for a while so I was strong and unemotional to his face I only got upset after I moved out thinking back on the good times and how in love I was and how it was one sided.
Yes took me 13 years without catching him outright to determine he was closeted and I was a beard. I spent every single day of the entire time wondering why does he resent and hate me so much ? YEP
Wow that's really sad.
You should go to a support group for family members of sex addicts or Al-Anon
Same thing happened to me!
I'm suspecting this was the case with my ex. Weird behaviors. And he was emotionally involved with his friend he was spending all his time with. I left.
I can relate. It’s heartbreaking. I left my ex-boyfriend of 7 years for almost the same reason. It was hard to leave but I knew it was getting toxic. It takes both ppl involved to go to therapy and work through it. As much as it crushed me and I miss him, I feel much better and know my worth!
Dude... this was my ex husband and we have 3 young children. It doesn't get better.. he will throw away that time he has during separation and make you be the one to do the worrying and make the effort and then make you be the bad guy for giving up. Leave before you have kids. It will only get worse.
She should also see if he is on the Autism spectrum. They struggle with interpersonal relstuonships, misread or misunderstand social cues. Think Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang... But there is a HUGE spectrum.... But if he is even mildly autistic, it is literally painful for them to interact emotionally. He may not be wihholding.....he may not have it to give. I feel for her as she struggles with this
Yup. My husband is autistic and was using video games as a crutch because he didn't have friends in person for years. He had video game friends and ended up spending years doing that.
Not everything is Autism. Some peopke are just jerks and some suck at relationships. We need to stop using the work "Autism" so loosely.
This is possible, and what I experienced largely. He eventually said he had changed his mind about the children we had, and resented the money we had spent on them. Absolute hell! Divorced now for 20 years and so glad I did and shouldered all the family responsibilities
The simpler answer is that he is more likely to be a narcissist and emotional abuser. Why on earth does everyone have to be "on the spectrum" these days? It's ridiculous.
Sometimes if people don't have emotional intelligence or skills to navigate them they don't need to be in relationships. If people finding relating extremely painful wouldn't these logical humans just died to be alone? Seems very simple.
I am another daughter of a man like this. I have CPTSD and there was no violence or sexual violence. Pleeeeease please please research trauma bonding and get out of these situations. So many men are just doing this to their wives and it makes me sick and triggered.
I’m proud of her for knowing about cognitive dissonance but this poor woman and half of America it seems are just in unhappy marriages with cowardly men. The codependency is very real and is mistaken for “taking your vows seriously” 😢Love to everyone ❤
Sure! Let's just blame men for not having all our emotional needs met.
Do you really think men & women who hardly communicate with each other except while about to couple up would all of a sudden be able to communicate & interact in the same manner? If you need people to talk to, go get a job, goals, interests, counselors & friends. Trying to make your husband all of that to you, is just never going to happen.
And you will be jumping from man to man trying to find a false notion of what a man will be.
@@kingdele01 I do actually blame men personally and the patriarchy, yes I do and I’m entitled to my opinion like you are. Thanks and love and light to you internet stranger. ❤️
@@nikstar1313 Before a man start to date or have feelings for you, please don't hide your opinions from him.
- Please make it clear to him that you think he should be EVERYTHING to you (satisfy your physical, emotional, psychological, financial, self-actualization, .... WANTS & needs), while being able to perfectly read your mind. Also that with all of that, you will still never be satisfied, and that you will keep blaming him (if he falls a little short) and some esoteric notion of "the patriarchy".
- Please let all men, who might be interested in you, know all about that, and let's see if anyone will ever want to sign up for that nightmare of a life.
Good luck 👍👍👍
@@kingdele01 big feelings buddy! Love to you ❤️
@@kingdele01 ok king 😂
The older I get and the more men I’ve got to know socially, the more I realise we have a whole generation of men who have been totally destroyed by their coercively controlling parents to one degree or another. My ex (who I now realise was a DA) abandoned me after a fantastic 5-year relationship for no reason - he just disappeared out of the blue: it was like a slow sui*ide in the years that followed (for me) while he probably never even batted an eyelid! Older and wiser now but my life was destroyed and I hope this woman finds someone better.
My husband prioritizes video games after work , has done this for at least 30 years of our 33 year marriage. All our kids remember of him growing up is their dad was always playing video games . They are 21, 20 and 17 now .
As a therapist myself, he does sound like he has avoidant attachment… but that’s a reason and not an excuse. It doesn’t sound like he cares enough about her or himself to do the work.
I have a friend that is going through the exact same thing and she finally left him after 10 years, BUT she has started seeing someone else while still being married to him which is not good at all. She deserves so much love, support, and attention after being deprived, but in the right way; not by any means necessary. My friend only sees what he is doing, but she can’t see herself and how she is making it worse. Please close this chapter before pulling other ppl into the equation because it creates so much unnecessary drama especially when children are involved; it’s not just about you.
Oh. My. Goodness! This describes my mother perfectly. I've never had anyone put into words my experience before. MIND BLOWN!!! My mother actually asked me to be the one to "cut off a relationship with her". Who does that?
If I have to choose between being alone/single or completely alone inside a marriage... I wouldn't have to think long about what I would choose... I hope she makes that discussion soon 😢😢
These loser men wasting our time
Ah man I feel so sorry for her. But kudos to her for facing reality and getting out. He won’t change. He is probably feeding his therapist a whole sob story how he is the victim in all of this. I hope she stays strong and finds a person who will love and appreciate her like she deserves.
I’d love to hear his side.
You won’t and these womanists in the comments have no interest in that. They want to hear a confirmation to their biases. That’s it
@@FrankS111Dr. John left an open invite for him to call in AND I personally would LOVE to hear his side.
Yes! We have all heard this story a hundred times with the sexes reversed. There the fix was "Be the man. Stick it out. Take control. "
Sure - would love to know why he emotionally and physically left his marriage.
Would love to hear both sides however this story is not far fetched. Been there and done that. It’s exhausting! Some people are just stunted emotionally. If the tables are reversed… get out too!
I've been married for 34 years. Last week my GP sent me to A&E. Rang husbands place of work, he came to the phone, didn't even ask why I was needing to go to hospital, said he wasn't able to get out, find a way to get there. So hurt. I'm his house mate.
Leave him. You'll get a lot of alimony after 34 years- they have a formula. You get half the assets and half of his pension, if he has one. Find someone else. My friend Rose fell madly in love when she was 76 and she has never been happier.
Poor guy, he just isn’t that into her. He’ll think he is now that she left, likely try to get her back and shortly after he’ll feel the same again. This relationship is over. I don’t think it’s his fault or hers. It just didn’t work out. Time to move forward and start something new. Good luck! Everything will work out just fine in the end. Enjoy the ride! ❤
Hmm it’s not necessarily a problem of not being into her. People with avoidant attachment styles learned in childhood that the people they need the most are never there for them and can’t be relied upon. So this husband could be super attracted to his wife and very much in love with her, but he doesn’t know how to be open and intimate (emotionally, too) and trusting and really believe that someone will be there for him … so instead he retreats and keeps to himself and avoids getting close. It’s an unconscious response to childhood neglect or trauma.
Doesn’t necessarily mean the man “just isn’t into her” or they “just didn’t work out,” that’s a bit oversimplifying in this case, I believe.
@@mistym0rningOr he's a mother-enmeshed-man whose mother treated him like her little husband so being intimate with his wife gives him the ick now because emotionally it's like his Mom. So the next thing he'll play out mother-revenge on his wife treating her how he wishes he could've reacted to his overbearing mother. Yeah... ask me how I know. 🤨
She’s going to have a LIFETIME of issues with this guy. Time to accept the truth about him and decide if you want to put up with this for the remainder of your life and all the repercussions. Or get out now