I overforgive . I terminate ppl very easily but I fee guilty for doing so and end up apologizing and then this person violates that same boundary and I go ghost on them and now this person is trying to get back into my life again and I’m staying ghost again. Because I’m so authentic and speak about deep topics these ppl tell me to stop talking about these things. They hate that I do political and all types of research and call me crazy and I’m hanging up now because I don’t want to talk about these things. Another example is this person had to go to the Apple store but did not. She called me the next day and I was driving home fromApple store and told her and she yelled at me saying why did I not notify her and take her with me. R u kidding me? I had to do what I had to do and inviting her would have been too much trouble for me. I told her go on ur own. She wants me to feel guilty that I didn’t help her or whatever. It is stressful because then I get pissed and I told her to stfu which caused a conflict obviously and I basically don’t like conflict and try to avoid it but these idiots gaslight us and we get triggered. It is so ridiculous and that’s why I’ve just gone ghost on her again. I just don’t want to deal with this period.
Most people I come across manipulate me. I am learning to say NO but sometimes I say yes, then realise I am being manipulated then say no but they turn it around like it's me that got a problem being inconsistent, which makes me feel bad because I am normally a very decisive person. very good video... thanks
Great video. Sometimes it can be hard to discern whether you're being manipulated or whether you're just being overly sensitive. The problem, I've found, is that when we like someone we tend to make excuses for their behaviour and generally afford them far too much respect. It's hard to view things objectively when we're clouded by our emotional feelings towards that person. It can take many months before we finally wake up and smell the coffee!
Omg yes!!! I'm so sick of toxic manipulative ppl!!!! Lately, I've set boundaries. One is to NOT talk about my personal life to anyone I don't trust. Some things are just private. Ok, someone who's supposed to be like a mentor to me somewhat, asked me about my personal relationship. This 'guy' I broke up with him. He told her that I broke it off. Then she asked me about it. I asked her, "Why are you asking?" Like, serioulsy! I wanted to ask "What the hell does what we do have to do with you?!" Her- "Oh- but he told me bc I'm your mentor. Blah blah blah." After seeing how defensive I was, she backed off. She came back an hour later asking again! Why'd I bite her head off about it? She physically invaded my personal space!! I was at work, I told her bc He & I made an agreement to keep things private between us. Long story short, she tried to 'Justify' even talking about this with me & why he had a right to tell her. I wanted to cuss her out, but I simply said. "Look, I'm over it. So it doesn't even matter." Then she walked off. Man, I'm REALLY sick of these types gravitating towards me!!! Am I too defensive or just a former people pleaser who's sick of the BS??
Zyair McNight No, you are fine and justified to feel the way you do. But unfortunately this world is not fair and so you have to change to be more protective of yourself. You have to interact with a neutral and confident manner with these types. You need to remain calm and emotionless, because that is what they are looking for: to get an emotional rise out of you. Like when a human tells a dog “sit” and the dog obeys. These types get a kick out of making you feel a certain way, any kind of way, as long as they caused it. You did not even have to tell this mentor that “its over for you and you don’t care” or that “you and him agreed to keep it private”. Even that is giving away too much personal detail and breaking your boundaries. You need to work on strengthening and building up your boundaries. Next time you can say in a calm, emotionless way that you don’t discuss personal matters at work. If she persists, say it again and then you can ask if there is something else with work that you can answer for her. She should back off by then. Just stick to your guns and do not give in to your old ways and habits of dealing with these types of people. Just because she is your mentor does not give her the benefit of making you spill your guts to her. Start practicing your boundaries with everyone in your life so you can create new boundary upholding behaviors. And just remain calm and neutral and semi friendly. You will make mistakes but you will learn from them and adjust your style in dealing with people. If its too much and you get fed up, wait until you get home or are in the privacy of your car or somewhere else where workmates can’t see you to cry or call and vent to a friend. I’ve been through this. I’m still going through it. It takes time but you have to keep trying and adjusting your behavior so manipulative people won’t try that bs with you any longer.
I really liked this message! I have been doing something recently and that is protecting my energy cord with muniplaltive people...( you should see the look on their faces when I walk away, its priceless ! ) Also, if someone ask me to do something, I simple say " NO I CAN NOT" no explaintion Or excuses - you can't leave any room for more worming in what they want etc... stops them dead in their tracks! Thank you Terri I Love you!!!
This was such a great video. I like that "if they have other good qualities". I thought long and hard on this and after the initial love bombing was over, my ex really didn't have anything to offer me that I was interested in. I've realized he kept dangling the possibility of his loving, kind, sweet side coming back if I earned it. Aint that some kind of crap. Anyway, I have learned so many valuable tools by watching videos by wonderful people like you. Thank you.
LOVED this! A friend and I joke, "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to." Hahahaha But as you point out, not wanting to IS a good enough reason. THANKS, Terri! :-)
Terri I’m so happy about your videos they are exactly what I need right now! I’m learning to set healthy boundaries with everyone in my life no matter how insignificant the boundaries seem if they’re upset they can go! I don’t care they were never respectful of me anyway thank you so much Terri!
You are so right about manipulators being good at it. That's why saying no us difficult, we get manipulated. These people dictate reality for us so that they can ignore our No answer. However I am learning the power of taking no for an answer. You get a real yes when you do. Are manipulators also unable to receive love because when they are busy controlling they miss the fact that we are being loving to them?
Year's of saying yes to ungrateful people, no is freeing Better late than never a very quick way to suss the users out, especially if Narcissistic family members. You see then that they only have their interests at the forefront. Listen and Watch there's the answer.
I wish I had found your videos earlier. i think cultural factors and our circumstances often interfere with us being able to protect ourselves from manipulation. ( e.g. a person from social minority or in a weaker position would probably go out of his/her way to be (trying to be) accepted by the majority/person in power. especially in a hierarchical society.) to apply this into real life scenario will probably require mental training since the subconcious mind might prioritize other stuff if we are not constantly reminding it to look at things from the specific angle. this video is thought provoking and is very valuable realization. watched the other videos as well and now i can understand things better than yesterday. thank you.
Excellent! Thank you! This helps me a lot at work. I can be assertive and strong in my personal life, but for some reason I get run over by office bullies and it seems there is one every office I have worked! I notice a pattern of a few "friends" over the years that I was used by as well. Really helps to know the problem is the disease to please, and to gain the tools to say no!
It happened almost two years ago with my mum. She needed something that very moment and got offended when I did not respond to her phonecall and texted her that I am spending time with my husband and asked her to text me what sve needed. It was not so great an emergency after all.
Thanks so much Terri, that video came on time. It's gold for me and I listened to it twice and will repeat listening, since it's hard work to get rid of the pattern that the needs of others are more important than mine! I DEFINITELY need to learn to say: "MAYBE"... and then to say "NO"!
Terri. Great video as always. On some level we all know, that manipulators are in reality aggressive people. Manipulation is a form of quiet (covert) aggression. Those kinds of people,.... when you tell them NO, there is usually some kind of aggressive reaction from the manipulator… that retaliation: sometimes covert (passive-aggressive), sometimes overt: rage, yelling, shaming, blaming, physical violence, etc. is the reason saying no is so hard. My father and brother are both manipulators. If I figured out my boyfriend was manipulative, then I would make an exit plan out of the relationship as soon as possible. Defective character is always a problem.
I have been having trouble figuring out who's opinion I should care about and who's I shouldn't. Trying to communicate my point to the wrong person ends up draining me.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Terri. I’ve fallen into the ‘too-nice’ category most of my life, and want to change it. Thank you for the tools to know how. God bless you!
The ones that used to p*ss me off the most, were the people who ask you to help them with one thing. Then there's a second thing they need help with, get that dealt with, and suddenly there's a third, and fourth. One little favor, suddenly turns into four, and five problems. Now, I either tell them to blow, right from the start. Or I do the one thing for them, and when they start breaking out the laundry list of their problems they want dealt with, they get told to eff off.
The thing that has confused me the most is the narcissists (I didn’t know they were narcs at the time) who call themselves empaths. That’s what really made me feel so lost and confused
I'm so sorry you experienced that ❤️ It can be tricky to navigate as narcissists will learn to mirror empathy, but it's fake. I often encourage my clients to take a deep look at whether their words and actions are aligning. Narcissists won't keep up the act forever and will often act without empathy eventually.
If I try to mirror the demands back to my sister, she suddenly has "no time anymore to discuss"! As soon as a conversation is becoming uncomfortable to her, she jumps out of it. There's no possibility ever to solve any problems about her dominance at all.
I hear you. Some people don't want to do the work. And that is information and feedback that we can use to process how we want to interact with them. If someone doesn't want to go deep, we don't have to go there with them and can put appropriate boundaries in place.
Good video! I need to work on this area and stand up for myself. Being codependent for most of my life, means I have a lot of retraining to do. I will recover. Took 32 years to become fully aware of who I was for a long while. Thanks!
I have helped various peoples that have done nothing but talk utter lies about me. To the point they have their brother call me and try to make it sound like I am his partner.I am usually confused by his ridiculous questions.They need psychiatric help as they did this same thing a few years ago.History will not be repeating itself.Thank you for enlightening me to move forward and IGNORE these idiotic people.Im enjoying myself immensely.😀😁
I find myself offering to do things for people to be nice then it always bites me in the ass and I regret it afterwards. I have a manipulative "friend" that I'm trying to cut from my life. Shes a user and toxic. It's very difficult to avoid her!!!
Hi Terry, I am so grateful for you, for the work that you do, as well as for your huge generosity and kindness in creating these videos for us all. I thank you with all my heart. XX
I felt like you were speaking directly to me. So happy to have come across your videos. I was "raised" by a narcissist alcoholic... so yeah, I appreciate the validation. Can I choose you as a mom? Oops, I mean mentor? 😂😉
I got over this when I healed from narc abuse. I am starting a new job after being self-employed for 23 years because of narcissists targeting me at work for being too nice. I have a strategy going in of polite and focused, but reserved and private, very professional. Thanks for the video. It helps to know I wasn't the only one and how to deal with it.
Celtic Soul Similar experience & I’m 40 years in! Give give give give give & be called not dependable or responsible! I AM THE ONLY ONE WORKING AND I HAVE SPENT MY RETIREMENT SAVINGS ON THESE THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO JOBS & I am disabled!!! Sick & tired
oh my God...yes.....it happened to me with narcs....for bring too nice..and I meant..it I was young altruistic well meaning..humanistic....and that rubbed narcs the wrong way.
Cynthia Bielicki I can relate to this; being younger, altruistic, humanistic, kind/polite at work and most of the people there keep me out and gossip about me. Very draining and makes me feel like giving up on working 9-5. But I don’t know what business I could start on my own. I love my parents but I wish they never bore me into this world.
Whoa😱❤️💪 another great video. I'm taking notes. Thank you. It's a relief that I'm not alone with experiencing this with others. I grew up with parents that were emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically abusive. I'm stubborn and strong enough that I won't let this happen to my own family. But I practice everyday. I'm not perfect but I'm learning to not hold one to things that upset me because it bogs me down and makes me depressed. Thank you
Thank you for all this great info. I found my way here searching for help with personal boundaries. And not being the BAD GUY for saying no when it is good for me. Your hair looks beautiful in this video! Love the shorter length. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos. I have a YT channel too, and I understand the time and energy it takes to maintain a channel. Keep up the great work!
Terri, this was awesome. Thanks for the wonderful gems (that I've written on the back page of my BB book). I'm going to listen to this one again and again.
I am so glad I came across this video. My BF of 6 years---has been taking leftovers and some of my groceries home over the past few months...I was flabbergasted and didn't know what to do. He loaded up hb buns, oj, lunchmeat, cheese, cereal this past weekend--I may not have handled it correctly. I took a deep breath and the words just came out. I said I don't mind sharing my groceries if you eat here, but I have a problem with you taking my food to your house---So now, you don't have to grocery shop. He said he just hates to waste food because he knows I won' t eat it all and besides I thought we helped each other out. I said helped each other out or help yourself to whatever you want. He left in a huff. Haven't heard from him. PS: I never to to his house.
Thank you so much for sharing your positive , practical , ' on the road ' experience. I've only found all these videos , professional and experience based ones like yours recently. I'm 72 now. After I was divorced and I detached myself from my foster mother's tentacles I had to rebuild my own personality from nothing. Literally. I am strong now , but still was drawn in by a narcissist man 6 months ago . I've withdrawn from him. Just been on holiday with a ' friend' and discovered just what a user she is ! No more. I'm counting my real friends, empaths too, or just ordinary people ( if such exist ! ) and thanking God for them and for His leading me to all this new understanding. I always knew my foster mother was a manipulator etc. And my father ( a genious , he thought ) but I didn't understand it all
Thank you so much for your videos and support. Ive been in a relationship for 2 years where she exhibits all characteristics of a malignant narcissist. I began doubting myself and find myself loving her and wanting to be with her, even to this day knowing that she is a narc and dosnt care about me. She literally almost put me in a psych ward. The manipulation was so deep and dark my body gets physically ill knowing how she harmed me and my worth to her for her to do this to me. Your videos are helping educate me and further my healing process. Im not a very smart man and very gulable so the tips are lifesaving. Thank you !!
Thank you for your beautiful video. I disagree with your definition of manipulator and the disagreement is immeasurable in my opinion in terms of promoting a healthy relationship. Manipulator is someone who tries to get you to do something that will benefit them even though it will harm you. It’s not that it won’t help you. We must do things in relationships most especially as parents that will not benefit us. That is part of the definition of love. Doing what the other person needs willingly. Manipulation is when someone wants you to do some thing that will help them and harm you but they try to make it seem like it’s a requirement or that it won’t harm you.
I have felt all the above at some point. I never really thought about who or what I want in my life i just know i don't want to die old and alone. My mother has told me that iam come across as clingy and needy and that I have a boring personality. Thank you for this it is helping me better understand myself and people around me.
I m glad to hear that it is helping you. I am applauding your bravery to look at yourself in a new way and take steps towards positive, healthy change.
Thank you so much for your insight. How do you deal with toxic people in the work place and being an empath. I say bye to this individual when I leave and they says nothing. Do I ignore them next time? and this individual has bullied me and I addressed the matter to HR and she didn't not get in trouble but it seems like they want to make me uncomfortable. I don't give in in the moment but when I get home I think about it, it brings me down. How would you handle something like that? thank you.
There are a few ways. You can either continue to say goodbye and when they don't respond you can say, "Good night (insert your name) have a great evening!" and keep walking (this is kind of aggressive but honestly would probably be what i would do personally but is for sure not right for everyone) or just stop trying to be polite to someone who is playing some weird game. Walk out and ignore them and if they confront you, you can say, "Why would I continue to speak to anyone who ignores me? We don't need to be friends." And if you decided to do nothing work on clearing your energy when you get home and leaving work dysfunction at work so you can enjoy your real life!
You put in your best effort....you did YOUR part......I have had years of this...and bent over backwards..abusers and bullies take kindness for weakness.I wanted good relationships at work....tried and tried despite ME being the injured party.......so now that I am older.....and have less time to play with on this earth......I do what I can...then LET IT GO........I no longer FRET....and try to . make it right when the other person os playing a mind game...... ..
Thank you...I appreciate this video..y your kindness🤗🙏.oh yes praise God I have learned to say no y put up boundaries...I am 51 y it is never too late...God bless you...take care💛
I love your video, very nice, and to the point! I identify surprisingly large, just had a roommate who was smoker and they cried and moaned and they said I think we're a good match but I didn't like the fact that they smoked so I made them get the heck out, and I love how I acted in this video vindicates my point.
Terri I disagree about the instant answer! My ex emotionally abused me and didn’t say yes or no! He said he doesn’t know! Which is worse than a yes or a no! I demanded an answer because I had the right to know what I needed to know. Stalling, being elusive, stringing someone along by not directly answering the question is emotional manipulation. So please understand that and don’t make the victims of emotional abuse feel like they are wrong in demanding answers that they deserve
I feel you, Nadine but buying 24 hours and then giving a conclusive answer is not the same as someone passively aggressively torturing you (as you describe). That would make me nuts, too!!! You absolutely deserve an answer, within a reasonable time frame, from someone you are in a relationship.
Nadine El Nour , I sometimes saw myself in some if the ways she described manipulative behaviour, but I realize there is a difference. And that is one if intention.
I used this technique on a friend yesterday , " so you think I can fetch my car from you and drive on only three hours sleep ' ?. She simply said Yes ! In the end I rang my daughter , she sorted it out. The car was back by 9.30 am and the key. Shall never allow her to drive my car again though !
It was an example of someone that used "by any means necessary" type of tactics to accomplish their goal. A narc will be charming or aggressive, and will do whatever it takes to get his/her way. Hope that clears it up.
If Anyone Believe that cause you curse folk out..and run up on anyone that means you're not being manipulated/controlled is funny..if you have cell phones, cars,electricity and any other public utility Think Again...SELAH AND SHALOM
I have quit over doing and over giving, now I realize... no one in my family is interested in me or my thoughts; unless they are exactly like theirs.
Thank God I wisened up! Being a yes-yes person is so draining.
Good for you, Asteri!! (cuz it is EXHAUSTING!)
So totally draining!
I overforgive . I terminate ppl very easily but I fee guilty for doing so and end up apologizing and then this person violates that same boundary and I go ghost on them and now this person is trying to get back into my life again and I’m staying ghost again. Because I’m so authentic and speak about deep topics these ppl tell me to stop talking about these things. They hate that I do political and all types of research and call me crazy and I’m hanging up now because I don’t want to talk about these things. Another example is this person had to go to the Apple store but did not. She called me the next day and I was driving home fromApple store and told her and she yelled at me saying why did I not notify her and take her with me. R u kidding me? I had to do what I had to do and inviting her would have been too much trouble for me. I told her go on ur own. She wants me to feel guilty that I didn’t help her or whatever. It is stressful because then I get pissed and I told her to stfu which caused a conflict obviously and I basically don’t like conflict and try to avoid it but these idiots gaslight us and we get triggered. It is so ridiculous and that’s why I’ve just gone ghost on her again. I just don’t want to deal with this period.
They use your kindness as a weapon to hurt you with.
That has been my experience. They know you care about someone, so the wish ill on them to hurt you.
Exactly. Take away their weapon.
Most people I come across manipulate me. I am learning to say NO but sometimes I say yes, then realise I am being manipulated then say no but they turn it around like it's me that got a problem being inconsistent, which makes me feel bad because I am normally a very decisive person. very good video... thanks
Great video. Sometimes it can be hard to discern whether you're being manipulated or whether you're just being overly sensitive. The problem, I've found, is that when we like someone we tend to make excuses for their behaviour and generally afford them far too much respect. It's hard to view things objectively when we're clouded by our emotional feelings towards that person. It can take many months before we finally wake up and smell the coffee!
Terri, you are so wise. I do love to take care of people, but I am doing more self-care. ( turning off the phone)
Omg yes!!!
I'm so sick of toxic manipulative ppl!!!!
Lately, I've set boundaries.
One is to NOT talk about my personal life to anyone I don't trust.
Some things are just private.
Ok, someone who's supposed to be like a mentor to me somewhat, asked me about my personal relationship.
This 'guy' I broke up with him.
He told her that I broke it off.
Then she asked me about it.
I asked her,
"Why are you asking?"
Like, serioulsy!
I wanted to ask
"What the hell does what we do have to do with you?!"
Her- "Oh- but he told me bc I'm your mentor. Blah blah blah."
After seeing how defensive I was, she backed off.
She came back an hour later asking again!
Why'd I bite her head off about it?
She physically invaded my personal space!!
I was at work, I told her bc He & I made an agreement to keep things private between us.
Long story short, she tried to 'Justify' even talking about this with me & why he had a right to tell her.
I wanted to cuss her out, but
I simply said.
"Look, I'm over it. So it doesn't even matter."
Then she walked off.
Man, I'm REALLY sick of these types gravitating towards me!!!
Am I too defensive or just a former people pleaser who's sick of the BS??
Zyair McNight No, you are fine and justified to feel the way you do. But unfortunately this world is not fair and so you have to change to be more protective of yourself. You have to interact with a neutral and confident manner with these types. You need to remain calm and emotionless, because that is what they are looking for: to get an emotional rise out of you. Like when a human tells a dog “sit” and the dog obeys. These types get a kick out of making you feel a certain way, any kind of way, as long as they caused it. You did not even have to tell this mentor that “its over for you and you don’t care” or that “you and him agreed to keep it private”. Even that is giving away too much personal detail and breaking your boundaries. You need to work on strengthening and building up your boundaries. Next time you can say in a calm, emotionless way that you don’t discuss personal matters at work. If she persists, say it again and then you can ask if there is something else with work that you can answer for her. She should back off by then. Just stick to your guns and do not give in to your old ways and habits of dealing with these types of people. Just because she is your mentor does not give her the benefit of making you spill your guts to her. Start practicing your boundaries with everyone in your life so you can create new boundary upholding behaviors. And just remain calm and neutral and semi friendly. You will make mistakes but you will learn from them and adjust your style in dealing with people. If its too much and you get fed up, wait until you get home or are in the privacy of your car or somewhere else where workmates can’t see you to cry or call and vent to a friend. I’ve been through this. I’m still going through it. It takes time but you have to keep trying and adjusting your behavior so manipulative people won’t try that bs with you any longer.
I really liked this message! I have been doing something recently and that is protecting my energy cord with muniplaltive people...( you should see the look on their faces when I walk away, its priceless ! ) Also, if someone ask me to do something, I simple say " NO I CAN NOT" no explaintion Or excuses - you can't leave any room for more worming in what they want etc... stops them dead in their tracks! Thank you Terri I Love you!!!
This was such a great video. I like that "if they have other good qualities". I thought long and hard on this and after the initial love bombing was over, my ex really didn't have anything to offer me that I was interested in.
I've realized he kept dangling the possibility of his loving, kind, sweet side coming back if I earned it. Aint that some kind of crap. Anyway, I have learned so many valuable tools by watching videos by wonderful people like you. Thank you.
This was a very valuable piece of content :D I feel I finally understand the difference between being stupid and helpful.
Jovana!
Thank you for your comment and for being here with us. I am so happy the vid resonated with you and helped ;)
LOVED this! A friend and I joke, "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to." Hahahaha But as you point out, not wanting to IS a good enough reason. THANKS, Terri! :-)
Hali Chambers, Labyrinth Gal 😂🤗🙃😅😄🤗😂🤗😋😆😂😊🤗😝😮😂😂
So funny, I bet it works!
Yup. Being FOR yourself doesn't mean you're against the other person (even if that's how it's interpreted)! :-)
Yes, I understand exactly what your saying. My husband was an opportunist and the biggest manipulator .
Terri I’m so happy about your videos they are exactly what I need right now! I’m learning to set healthy boundaries with everyone in my life no matter how insignificant the boundaries seem if they’re upset they can go! I don’t care they were never respectful of me anyway thank you so much Terri!
Right on!!
That is so inspiring.
You are so right about manipulators being good at it. That's why saying no us difficult, we get manipulated. These people dictate reality for us so that they can ignore our No answer. However I am learning the power of taking no for an answer. You get a real yes when you do. Are manipulators also unable to receive love because when they are busy controlling they miss the fact that we are being loving to them?
Year's of saying yes to ungrateful people, no is freeing Better late than never a very quick way to suss the users out, especially if Narcissistic family members. You see then that they only have their interests at the forefront. Listen and Watch there's the answer.
I wish I had found your videos earlier.
i think cultural factors and our circumstances often interfere with us being able to protect ourselves from manipulation.
( e.g. a person from social minority or in a weaker position would probably go out of his/her way to be (trying to be) accepted by the majority/person in power.
especially in a hierarchical society.)
to apply this into real life scenario will probably require mental training since the subconcious mind might prioritize other stuff if we are not constantly reminding it to look at things from the specific angle.
this video is thought provoking and is very valuable realization.
watched the other videos as well and now i can understand things better than yesterday.
thank you.
Excellent! Thank you! This helps me a lot at work. I can be assertive and strong in my personal life, but for some reason I get run over by office bullies and it seems there is one every office I have worked! I notice a pattern of a few "friends" over the years that I was used by as well. Really helps to know the problem is the disease to please, and to gain the tools to say no!
It happened almost two years ago with my mum. She needed something that very moment and got offended when I did not respond to her phonecall and texted her that I am spending time with my husband and asked her to text me what sve needed. It was not so great an emergency after all.
Witnessing you with compassion, Mirna ❤️ I'm glad you are setting boundaries!
Is there anyone who is "not" a manipulator anymore?
They are TALENTED at Gaslighting & Baiting!
It's like their gift from satin lol.
Thanks so much Terri, that video came on time. It's gold for me and I listened to it twice and will repeat listening, since it's hard work to get rid of the pattern that the needs of others are more important than mine! I DEFINITELY need to learn to say: "MAYBE"... and then to say "NO"!
Terri. Great video as always. On some level we all know, that manipulators are in reality aggressive people. Manipulation is a form of quiet (covert) aggression. Those kinds of people,.... when you tell them NO, there is usually some kind of aggressive reaction from the manipulator… that retaliation: sometimes covert (passive-aggressive), sometimes overt: rage, yelling, shaming, blaming, physical violence, etc. is the reason saying no is so hard. My father and brother are both manipulators. If I figured out my boyfriend was manipulative, then I would make an exit plan out of the relationship as soon as possible. Defective character is always a problem.
Love this technique!!!!! Repeating back behavior
I have been having trouble figuring out who's opinion I should care about and who's I shouldn't. Trying to communicate my point to the wrong person ends up draining me.
Golden talk. I wish i knew these things some years ago when i was a teenage
So glad it was helpful for you 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this, Terri.
I’ve fallen into the ‘too-nice’ category most of my life, and want to change it. Thank you for the tools to know how. God bless you!
The ones that used to p*ss me off the most, were the people who ask you to help them with one thing. Then there's a second thing they need help with, get that dealt with, and suddenly there's a third, and fourth. One little favor, suddenly turns into four, and five problems. Now, I either tell them to blow, right from the start. Or I do the one thing for them, and when they start breaking out the laundry list of their problems they want dealt with, they get told to eff off.
The thing that has confused me the most is the narcissists (I didn’t know they were narcs at the time) who call themselves empaths. That’s what really made me feel so lost and confused
I'm so sorry you experienced that ❤️ It can be tricky to navigate as narcissists will learn to mirror empathy, but it's fake. I often encourage my clients to take a deep look at whether their words and actions are aligning. Narcissists won't keep up the act forever and will often act without empathy eventually.
If I try to mirror the demands back to my sister, she suddenly has "no time anymore to discuss"! As soon as a conversation is becoming uncomfortable to her, she jumps out of it. There's no possibility ever to solve any problems about her dominance at all.
I hear you. Some people don't want to do the work. And that is information and feedback that we can use to process how we want to interact with them. If someone doesn't want to go deep, we don't have to go there with them and can put appropriate boundaries in place.
Good video! I need to work on this area and stand up for myself.
Being codependent for most of my life, means I have a lot of retraining to do. I will recover. Took 32 years to become fully aware of who I was for a long while.
Thanks!
GOD BLESS YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU TUBE! I need this desperately
Wow!!! Thank you Teri, this episode was awesome!! I am so happy that I was introduced to you through the AstroTwins! You are wonderful.
That color is very becoming on you.. Thank you for all your hard work.
Thank you for being here!
I have helped various peoples that have done nothing but talk utter lies
about me. To the point they have their brother call me and try to make it sound like I am his partner.I am usually confused by his ridiculous questions.They need psychiatric help as they did this same thing a few years ago.History will not be repeating itself.Thank you for enlightening me to move forward and IGNORE these idiotic people.Im enjoying myself immensely.😀😁
I find myself offering to do things for people to be nice then it always bites me in the ass and I regret it afterwards. I have a manipulative "friend" that I'm trying to cut from my life. Shes a user and toxic. It's very difficult to avoid her!!!
Hi Terry, I am so grateful for you, for the work that you do, as well as for your huge generosity and kindness in creating these videos for us all. I thank you with all my heart. XX
Thank you 🥺 and thank you for being here! ❤️
Great video, really educational, thank you!
I felt like you were speaking directly to me. So happy to have come across your videos. I was "raised" by a narcissist alcoholic... so yeah, I appreciate the validation. Can I choose you as a mom? Oops, I mean mentor? 😂😉
I'm so glad you're here! I'm happy to be your virtual mom and mentor.
I got over this when I healed from narc abuse. I am starting a new job after being self-employed for 23 years because of narcissists targeting me at work for being too nice. I have a strategy going in of polite and focused, but reserved and private, very professional. Thanks for the video. It helps to know I wasn't the only one and how to deal with it.
Celtic Soul Similar experience & I’m 40 years in! Give give give give give & be called not dependable or responsible! I AM THE ONLY ONE WORKING AND I HAVE SPENT MY RETIREMENT SAVINGS ON THESE THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO JOBS & I am disabled!!! Sick & tired
oh my God...yes.....it happened to me with narcs....for bring too nice..and I meant..it I was young altruistic well meaning..humanistic....and that rubbed narcs the wrong way.
Cynthia Bielicki I can relate to this; being younger, altruistic, humanistic, kind/polite at work and most of the people there keep me out and gossip about me. Very draining and makes me feel like giving up on working 9-5. But I don’t know what business I could start on my own. I love my parents but I wish they never bore me into this world.
Whoa😱❤️💪 another great video. I'm taking notes. Thank you. It's a relief that I'm not alone with experiencing this with others. I grew up with parents that were emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically abusive. I'm stubborn and strong enough that I won't let this happen to my own family. But I practice everyday. I'm not perfect but I'm learning to not hold one to things that upset me because it bogs me down and makes me depressed. Thank you
Thank you for all this great info. I found my way here searching for help with personal boundaries. And not being the BAD GUY for saying no when it is good for me.
Your hair looks beautiful in this video! Love the shorter length. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos. I have a YT channel too, and I understand the time and energy it takes to maintain a channel. Keep up the great work!
Terri, this was awesome. Thanks for the wonderful gems (that I've written on the back page of my BB book). I'm going to listen to this one again and again.
I am so glad I came across this video. My BF of 6 years---has been taking leftovers and some of my groceries home over the past few months...I was flabbergasted and didn't know what to do. He loaded up hb buns, oj, lunchmeat, cheese, cereal this past weekend--I may not have handled it correctly. I took a deep breath and the words just came out. I said I don't mind sharing my groceries if you eat here, but I have a problem with you taking my food to your house---So now, you don't have to grocery shop. He said he just hates to waste food because he knows I won' t eat it all and besides I thought we helped each other out. I said helped each other out or help yourself to whatever you want. He left in a huff. Haven't heard from him. PS: I never to to his house.
Thank you so much for sharing your positive , practical , ' on the road ' experience. I've only found all these videos , professional and experience based ones like yours recently. I'm 72 now. After I was divorced and I detached myself from my foster mother's tentacles I had to rebuild my own personality from nothing. Literally.
I am strong now , but still was drawn in by a narcissist man 6 months ago . I've withdrawn from him. Just been on holiday with a ' friend' and discovered just what a user she is ! No more. I'm counting my real friends, empaths too, or just ordinary people ( if such exist ! ) and thanking God for them and for His leading me to all this new understanding. I always knew my foster mother was a manipulator etc. And my father ( a genious , he thought ) but I didn't understand it all
My sister is very good at manipulation.
I'm witnessing you with compassion.
I love you, Terri 💙
Thank you so much for your videos and support. Ive been in a relationship for 2 years where she exhibits all characteristics of a malignant narcissist. I began doubting myself and find myself loving her and wanting to be with her, even to this day knowing that she is a narc and dosnt care about me. She literally almost put me in a psych ward. The manipulation was so deep and dark my body gets physically ill knowing how she harmed me and my worth to her for her to do this to me. Your videos are helping educate me and further my healing process. Im not a very smart man and very gulable so the tips are lifesaving. Thank you !!
Wow,!! Thank you so very much I appreciate your wonderful words of wisdom
thanks Terry . you are amazing....
Thanks, pal. I'm so glad the vid resonated with you xo
Extremely important this video!!!!
Thank you for your beautiful video. I disagree with your definition of manipulator and the disagreement is immeasurable in my opinion in terms of promoting a healthy relationship. Manipulator is someone who tries to get you to do something that will benefit them even though it will harm you.
It’s not that it won’t help you. We must do things in relationships most especially as parents that will not benefit us. That is part of the definition of love. Doing what the other person needs willingly. Manipulation is when someone wants you to do some thing that will help them and harm you but they try to make it seem like it’s a requirement or that it won’t harm you.
I have felt all the above at some point. I never really thought about who or what I want in my life i just know i don't want to die old and alone. My mother has told me that iam come across as clingy and needy and that I have a boring personality. Thank you for this it is helping me better understand myself and people around me.
I m glad to hear that it is helping you. I am applauding your bravery to look at yourself in a new way and take steps towards positive, healthy change.
Terri Your gorgeous, Love your insight on this xxx
Learn the letters N+O. I came in to hear this at the very end. Needs replay. Thank you. 🤗
Wow, this video touched me. Thank you for kind advice!
Bravo ! Thank you shared.
Thank you like always!🙏
Your amazing I feel this can really help me. Thank you so much ♡
Wow. Thank you
Great information
Thank you so much for your insight. How do you deal with toxic people in the work place and being an empath. I say bye to this individual when I leave and they says nothing. Do I ignore them next time? and this individual has bullied me and I addressed the matter to HR and she didn't not get in trouble but it seems like they want to make me uncomfortable. I don't give in in the moment but when I get home I think about it, it brings me down. How would you handle something like that? thank you.
There are a few ways. You can either continue to say goodbye and when they don't respond you can say, "Good night (insert your name) have a great evening!" and keep walking (this is kind of aggressive but honestly would probably be what i would do personally but is for sure not right for everyone) or just stop trying to be polite to someone who is playing some weird game. Walk out and ignore them and if they confront you, you can say, "Why would I continue to speak to anyone who ignores me? We don't need to be friends." And if you decided to do nothing work on clearing your energy when you get home and leaving work dysfunction at work so you can enjoy your real life!
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you :-). That was very helpful.
You put in your best effort....you did YOUR part......I have had years of this...and bent over backwards..abusers and bullies take kindness for weakness.I wanted good relationships at work....tried and tried despite ME being the injured party.......so now that I am older.....and have less time to play with on this earth......I do what I can...then LET IT GO........I no longer FRET....and try to . make it right when the other person os playing a mind game......
..
ALLLLLL the time!!
Awesome episode. Thanks so much!
This is Gold. Thx for sharing
Thank you for being here. I appreciate you!
Thank you...I appreciate this video..y your kindness🤗🙏.oh yes praise God I have learned to say no y put up boundaries...I am 51 y it is never too late...God bless you...take care💛
God bless you real good
Yes, I always feel like the sucker 😅
Very nice talk
Perfectly said.
Resonates with me.
Thanks a ton
I love your video, very nice, and to the point! I identify surprisingly large, just had a roommate who was smoker and they cried and moaned and they said I think we're a good match but I didn't like the fact that they smoked so I made them get the heck out, and I love how I acted in this video vindicates my point.
Terri!!!!!!!!
❤ Thank you!
You are so welcome, Nina ❤️
I think you are wonderful. Thank you so much !
😯 so eye-opening! Thank you for posting this video.
You're welcome!
Thank you Terri
Excellent! Ty!
Is being over-giving, overly nice a form of manipulation to get reciprocity?
Yes, it can be Michael!
Thanks for another perceptive video, Teri
Thank you for this
I loved this video.
👍
Thanks for your super informative videos. You are so pretty, you look like Lauren Bacall.
Thank you for your kind words!
I ended up thinking what if I am the manipulator? How can I not become that way?
🙏❤
Terri I disagree about the instant answer! My ex emotionally abused me and didn’t say yes or no! He said he doesn’t know! Which is worse than a yes or a no! I demanded an answer because I had the right to know what I needed to know. Stalling, being elusive, stringing someone along by not directly answering the question is emotional manipulation. So please understand that and don’t make the victims of emotional abuse feel like they are wrong in demanding answers that they deserve
I feel you, Nadine but buying 24 hours and then giving a conclusive answer is not the same as someone passively aggressively torturing you (as you describe). That would make me nuts, too!!! You absolutely deserve an answer, within a reasonable time frame, from someone you are in a relationship.
Nadine El Nour , I sometimes saw myself in some if the ways she described manipulative behaviour, but I realize there is a difference. And that is one if intention.
I used this technique on a friend yesterday , " so you think I can fetch my car from you and drive on only three hours sleep ' ?. She simply said Yes ! In the end I rang my daughter , she sorted it out. The car was back by 9.30 am and the key. Shall never allow her to drive my car again though !
I think that that stalling...living you in limbo is abuse...it can cause great cognitive dissonance it is a sadistic game.
I feel like trash. It's them. Not me. Thx.
I have a 'friend' who has been living in my place, rent free, for several weeks. He;'s a user, just wants free shit. I'm starting to see it. Thanks.
Time to go, freeloader!! (and time for you to have your sacred space back!)
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️.
What does it mean to be all "Malcolm X"?
It was an example of someone that used "by any means necessary" type of tactics to accomplish their goal. A narc will be charming or aggressive, and will do whatever it takes to get his/her way. Hope that clears it up.
Why do you think that it’s mostly women who have this issue? I struggle with it as well.
If Anyone Believe that cause you curse folk out..and run up on anyone that means you're not being manipulated/controlled is funny..if you have cell phones, cars,electricity and any other public utility Think Again...SELAH AND SHALOM
Thank you!!