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How to Deal With Boundary Bullies, Including Narcissists - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Do you know any Boundary Bullies? These are people who want what they want regardless of how you feel about it. They can act in overt or covert ways to ram their agenda through. Interacting with them can be stressful and leave you feeling defeated and drained.
In today’s video I cover:
-- The connection between your own blueprint or past experience with boundary bullies and whom you are attracting into your life today.
-- The 3 Questions to ask yourself to identify the original boundary bully
-- How to Stop the Auto Yes
-- How to Create Clear, Concise & Consistent Boundaries with Boundary Bullies
Those of you who are familiar with my work know that the first step to changing anything is to try to get to the root of the original injury. Your boundary bully downloaded blueprint from childhood is where we begin. During your childhood, were you allowed to draw boundaries, disagree with the majority or say no in your family of origin? Did one of your parents or caregivers dominate the others in the group? Were you encouraged to assert yourself or would differentiating result in punishment? Chaotic family systems where there was abuse, addiction, neglect or extremely high expectations for children usually do not encourage or teach healthy boundaries. But fear not, you can learn.
Download the free guide that goes along with this episode: terricole.com/...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:55 - Why we need to figure out where our relationship with boundaries began
2:27 - Questions to reflect on to get to the root of your boundaries
5:20 - The three questions to ask yourself to identify whether you're having a transference
8:07 - How to ease into saying "no" instead of automatically saying yes
9:11 - How to stay calm in a difficult boundary situation
12:41 - How to change the relationship dynamic you have with a boundary bully
14:46 - Why being super clear, concise, and consistent helps when stating a boundary
18:24 - Not everyone deserves the privilege of being in your life
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
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RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com... I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
No No Narc: I created this course to teach you the strategies I’ve used for more than 2 decades in my psychotherapy practice to help women break free of dysfunctional patterns and learn how to prioritize themselves. www.terricole....
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbo...
Boundary Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/...
www.terricole.... - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #narcissism #boundaries
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If you were not respected as a child or allowed to become your true beautiful loving self, you are going to have challenges.
It's sad but so true
gorilla twist so sad, so true
Vaughn Walker I didn’t even see your comment and wrote exact comment, lol
gorilla twist Yeah that’s the super super thing I’ve recently realized but it extra sucks when you don’t even have the support or resources to pay for therapy or all these fancy things that can just fix you or whatever I just got to figure it out myself and the Internet I suppose many are in my position as well as those who have the opposite
@@wolfkai82 if you have a computer you have a great resource. Also Study Attachment Trauma. Erick Ericksons 8 stages of Psycho social development. THAT is where all the problems started!
At age 70 just learning this. Mom was a narcissist who taught me to be a people pleaser. It was all about power and control. Dad was an alcoholic so I didn’t feel safe.
I laughed out loud to the question of when I was taught boundaries... I wasn't even allowed to have needs or feelings without the following blame, shame, and guilt storm from my parents... No surprise my adult relationships have been hell on earth but I'm learning SELF LOVE ❤️
DIVINE COMMERCE I am sorry to hear about the painful way you were raised. My life experience is very similar. I am pleased you are choosing to learn self love. Me too! It fills my heart with hope for this world when teachers like this are accessible for persons like us to help us to learn these valuable life skills. Best of life to you!
My childhood was the same way. I cant even believe that looking back I never realized any of this before. Its like I am waking from a dream that was my life.
I am totally there with you.
+DIVINE COMMERCE, your Narc parents
cannot teach you boundaries because
they need "supply" from you. If you have
boundaries they cannot get supply.
When you realize what is really going
on and get away, you take the supply with you.
All they want is to hurt you "emotionally"
because they are "covert" sadists.
Narcs have kids because they are "captive"
supply.
Yes, it's so important, and life changing! From pain and hurt to love and light!
Narcissist are impossible to reason with, it's like fighting on a Merry go round in space.
+Pfsif, never reason with them.
It is a complete waste of energy
because they will "lie, deny and gaslight"
you over and over. They don't want to
work anything out. They just want to
hurt you over and over and get-away-
with-it as long as possible.
Wow tell me about it smh I’m glad I know these things
Haha
Got that right. I've started saying "and off the rails you go" when my narc husband starts his word salads. He does not like me setting boundaries, so I will continue to set them and keep them in place. I like my newfound confidence in myself and my accomplishments, and my happiness irks him. Hard to decide what to do since I have a home business (greenhouses) that cannot be moved from the property.
😂😂😂 great analogy!!
I'm from India and in my country, trampling over people's boundaries is a common phenomenon, often cleverly disguised as ''concern'. In most Indian families, it is a pretty common sight to see boundaries being busted. Most of the time, it is the elders who bust boundaries of the younger ones. For e.g.- overfeeding a guest is considered 'good hospitality' in India by many(God knows why that is, though!). I went to an aunt's place recently, where I was overfed to the point that I had a stomach ache, despite saying 'no' more than 3-4 times. I naturally have a small appetite, so you can imagine how pissed I was. This, however, is a petty issue. Boundary bullying assumes gargantuan proportions when parents decide what their children should be studying or who they should be getting married to and blah blah, without even bothering to ask them if they want the same things too. Body shaming is also very common here. When you grow up in an environment like this, it gets extremely difficult to draw a boundary and implement it, because there'll always be someone eagerly waiting to 'break the walls' and heck, even take delight in doing so. I've grown up with a narc father and an enabler mom, so the difficulty in drawing boundaries in my case assumes frightening proportions. I'm always worried about offending someone, despite the fact that nobody seems to be worried about offending me :-( It sucks. But thank you for sharing whatever you did. I will start slow and hopefully, manage to get better at it as time passes on. A relationship that does not respect boundaries is unhealthy and I get it. Thanks, Terri!
Nitya, you can do it!--you're a pioneer there, whom others in demoraliziing situations will follow into the sunlight.
Thanks a lot Liza :-)
Just say NO!!!!!!!!! And mean it!
I have also become numb to the violence that narcissists can do with their bullying and breaking of boundaries.
Hi Nitya, I know that. In Germany it's not so long ago that people, especially relatives behaved the same. First I think we should consider where that comes from. These older people, like grandmothers want us to be healthy and are glad not to be that poor like many people e.g. in your country and in Germany my grandmother had to starve in the 2nd world war. So when they fill our plate again and again, for them it's showing their love to us. My grandmother told us to eat all she gave us and as reward she promised some chocolate! Thank god we didn't get fat anyway... I would recommend to say it very polite but very clear: "Thank you XXXX, it was a wonderful meal, I really love how you cook and now I am full, thank you so much." Then you STOP eating, even if she fills your plate again, you don't touch it anymore. She has got your message, there is nothing to do anymore for you and nothing to justify for. If she says, why don't you eat? You can say, "XXX, you know" and then you smile. This is how I would handle it now as an adult woman. As a child I couldn't do that, since I didn't know how to set boundaries. All the best Nitya and stay healthy ;-)
Having boundaries is all Ive ever asked for from my family; no name calling, no swearing, no backbiting, apply the same rules to me as you do to other members. As you can imagine gaslighting was used to deny me these. Scapegoating of me and my deceased Dad is another one to justify any bad behaviours towards me. Its painful when you stand up for yourself and even more painful when you dont.
Big big big squeezy hugs 🤗🤗💓
You are a very strong person, please find ways to stay away from that toxicity. God bless you!❤
I was told I was brazen, selfish, thought too much of myself! Glad I’m no longer apart of that unit!
The magic word is: No.
The magic tactic is: Still No.
...and if the NO doesn't work, the magic tactic is: LEAVE, RUN, BLOCK, DELETE, KICK OUT
Mireille Claire
Hahahahaha!!!! That is definitely what you have to do.
Terrible Tanner No is a complete sentence.
No the magic tactic is calling the police for removal when outside your door in the middle of the night, lol!
No the magic tactic is calling the police for removal when outside your door in the middle of the night, lol!
Narcissists, bullies, sociopaths, psychopaths... all the same people (on different days). Treat them as though they're beneath you... (they ARE --- in HELL)... just ignore them. And never look back.
Thank you so, so much Terri. I had a narcissistic mother and bullying happened to me in school, in my jobs and from friends. One day I realized that I am no victim unless I agree to be. This was my "breakthrough" to a new life as an adult woman on the way to become self-loving, confident and strong, finally able to stand up for myself!
Mireille,
Right on, YOU!!
Mireille Claire I’m proud of you 💓
how did u do it did you get in to therapy? I need some help please
I was NEVER allowed to have my own feelings or thoughts. Mine were wrong, both my parents were always right. I was mocked and guilted as a child if I did not comply. Even when my dad did inappropriate things and I told my mom, it was always "oh, that's just your dad."
thank you for saying how boundary bullies like to accuse someone for saying no or "taking your space to be calm" selfish. I have had that happen so much, and it is a relief to hear you touch on this for me to know I wasn't being selfish, but self-protective.
Wow after 42 yrs with a family of narcs your voice is so soothing and direct. Incredible message so thankful I found your page
I'm glad you found my channel ❤️
Boundary bullies love to catch you off guard! How can someone stop them in their tracks at that moment when you've been put on the spot?
You can say ,"Hey Bob, I'll have to get back to you on that." or "Hey Bob, that actually won't work for me but thanks for the thought." Try to have 2 or 3 things at the ready for Boundary Bullies. Write them down if you have to and repeat them often. If you have already declined to do the thing they are AGAIN trying to get you to do, use the same language like,"Bob, as i stated on Tuesday, that doesn't not work for me." The more you say it and even practice it so you don't freeze in the moment, the less the BB will target you. Thanks for a great Q!
I start to shake when I try to set boundaries more out of rage from letting them get trampled in the past. Its an entirely disproportionate response I really hope to find a way to overcome this.
I have the same issue. I keep bringing the past with me .Its embarrassing.
Fuck this is me too. I don't shake, but it's like my voice is taken away and I get almost terrified (irrationally so) because I've been so accustomed to doing nothing. And the people I was raised by are so backwards in their thinking - I am literally always the scapegoat lolz. Enmeshed family. Very fun stuff
Thank you so much. I'm 45 and am dealing with my first narc coworker. I grew up with a very strict father, and feel like I'm dealing with him all over again. I just freeze up and feel like I can't say anything right when she talks to me. Everything you say fits her personality to a T. It has been really hard on me, and I often think about quitting because of her. You have helped me realize what I'm dealing with and what to do next time she gets confrontational with me. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing here with us and good for you for being willing to learn a new way of dealing with your unhealthy coworker!
jayroe725 I’ve experienced workplace violence like this too. It’s awful. I had to pretend I was wearing Teflon and all their attacks and emotional abuse fell on the floor. Stay strong and hopefully you can get out from under this situation soon.
Yes, the first thought is to fly away...effective boundaries are really necessary and eventually looking for another job, but learning how to protect yourself is the key, because you'll find out, bullismo and narcs are everywere. Stay blessed❤
I so enjoyed your video!! Thank you!!! I have been studying about narcissism for about 3 years now. I have been married to my husband for 55 years. And did not realize that he was a narcissist, until I began to search about it. I had no idea what it all meant, I think it's possible he is a sociopath also. But by the time I began to see this, he has complete control of all money, even our food. It's a long story, but trust me, I do not see how I can survive or live on what I would have alone. It all seems so hopeless to think of leaving, but knowing this can not go on like this. At my age, no options seem right. Sorry, guess I am just tired tonight. And again, thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
Charlotte-,
Thank you for sharing here with us. I am witnessing your struggle with compassion and understanding. After a good night sleep perhaps a clear mind will help you think outside the box and start to explore options. Escaping your situation is possible but will require you to be smart and to keep your plans to yourself. Think about who you can get support from and look for organizations that help women who are in domestic violence situations. You can do it, mama xoxo
@@terri_cole Small steps add up over time. Best advice is to keep your plans to yourself.
Any time I draw boundaries I get incredibly tense and expect THE ABSOLUTE WORST from the other person, because that's my experience - ruthlessness and wraith when saying "no" or "I don't like it". Good thing I learnt that even then it's better to self protect, state the boundaries and leave the person if they don't respect them buy I'm still so so surprised when I confront other people and they not only don't get angry like my abuser, they actually respect what I told them and change and me not having to fight like an animal for most basic things??? Sometimes I don't even know how to deal with it it feels so foreign for me
Yes most people appreciate knowing your boundaries because boundaries teach people how to show us love. You don't have to always fight like an animal. I am so sorry you had that experience when you were younger. Take your time and be patient with the people who are respecting your boundaries. Remember to take care of you.
Teri, love your videos. I want to comment on BURNT-OUT. I think that I developed burn out a few years ago. Work was probably a major factor. But I think that a bigger factor was my toxic personal life. Since I started developing symptoms, I educated myself alot about stress, narcissism, codepdendency, burn out and boundries. Working in the ER is a high stress job, which I did for years. What I think got me in the end though, was all the toxic people in my personal life - so many people, who are "unsafe" according to dr.Cloud's book about Safe and Unsafe people. When I was not at work, I was constantly in the presence of people, who were energetically draining me - energy vampires of different categories (Julie Hanks's described them in a video). Some yelling, constantly complaining, some talking non stop for an hour about themselves, some cutting me off mid sentence in a dysrespectful manor, when I was talking; mom schizofrenic, brother passive-aggressive (always late, forgetting, etc.), father nacisssitic controlling - so many unreliable people in my personal life. And is seems that they are all boundry bullies. My therapist says I was constantly being attacked (non physically). I see it as constant chaos and dysrespect. I was doing so very well in my own personal life that year (got married, bought a condo, passed a college course), but all those other people were all headed or already in personal crises (all of them). My only safe choice was and has been to either be at home (or out alone) with non-toxic husband or be among people, none of whom are OK. I could probably have managed work and one toxic person, but that many "unsafe" dysfunctional people in my life drained me. I could not socialize and relax at the same time. Every family gathering was and is toxic. Sometimes it's not about the individual one factor, sometimes it's about an accumulation of toxic factors. The solution - minimizing contact with so many people has left me in a place of loneliness, much grieving took and is taking place. And I have become the black sheep of the family, because of all the boundries I have set up. They really are boundry bullies. So painful. I wish there were videos out there about this issue of quantity
Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. And thank you for being here. You matter.
You said about boundaries "you are not being selfish, you're being self-protective" I could almost cry. I really needed to hear that, because when I put down a boundary for my sister, she and my parents said that it was wrong of me to do so. That I should apologize for hurting my sister by putting that boundary. I told them it wasn't my intention to hurt her, but to protect myself. I've felt so guilty about it for a long time, doubting if I really did the right thing. It doesn't FEEL right you know, but going without the boundary wasn't working either..
Is there any way to put a boundary and avoid such backlash?
I'm witnessing you with compassion. Sometimes the people in our life will lash out when a boundary is set. You are changing the dance of how you've been interacting in the past, which means they are going to have to change and that can be uncomfortable. Unfortunately, there is no way to control someone else's reaction. But it sounds like you stuck up for yourself by explaining it was protect yourself. You can explain where you are coming from, but you don't need to defend your reasoning for the boundary. You keep doing what you need to do to feel safe.
@@terri_cole Thank you for your kind reply, and most of all thank you for your videos. I want to keep on learning how I can communicate better and have healthy relationships with others, your videos are of great help. Setting boundaries is just hard an painful sometimes I guess, but it is necessary
Thank you so much terri, you have no idea how much you are helping me with these videos. Thank you so much for caring about us.
I asked a question on another video then got my answer here. I think I’ll act like nothing is wrong and continue with my dance. Thank you so much!!
Rhonda, I'm sorry about the confusion but hope the answer helped! Wishing you the best.
You are wonderful! Thank you.
I love you advice. Help me a lot, I keeping listen you videos.. 👼🏻 you are an angel❤️🇨🇷🇨🇷tica.CR
Thanks from Deepti, India
Meredith you are not too bad yourself! :)
My dad tried to interfere in my dating life and made me choose between himself and my boyfriend when we were in high school who eventually became my husband. I chose my boyfriend and I chose wrong in his eyes so I got the silent treatment. Then my dad eventually calls to say with fake tears you may not need your dad but your dad needs you. Boy was he right about that. Even though I repeatedly kept chasing after his love and approval over the years even after that statement he made and we never agreed on anything that is one thing I do agree with him on. I finally realize that I don't need him. It's time to love me!
I just learned of you through the comment section of on of Rebecca C. Mandeville's videos and feel fortunate to have the privilege to listen to your views. You're a great presence in this world and thank you for your work.
That warms my heart, thank you so much ❤️❤️ and welcome to my channel!
You seem kind. I had a narcissist for a Mom who had me at 16. I saw how she reacted with her Narcissist Mother. I remember my great grandmother crying before she died how she was sorry for not being a better mother. ❤ I am breaking the cycle one link at a time.
Breaking the cycle takes a lot of courage and strength ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion.
I was guilt tripped into accepting to go to a trip with my mother, I don't hate her but being around her drains my energy and I'd rather not do it. She has narcissistic tendencies and doesn't respect boundaries at all and I'm 24years old. Your video has given me the courage to cancel a month before said trip. Thanks.
Your mother sounds awesome! She taught you well and thank you for sharing your (and her) wisdom xx
I absolutely loved this video. On the verge of tears just reflecting on my inner weakness, the past, and not establishing boundaries with people. Especially with this who become too familiar to quickly. You’re an angel thank you. ❤
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
You are amazing! What a force of good in this world! Blessings to you!
I’m so glad I’ve been increasingly pretty good at maintaining boundaries, the more narcissistic my mother has become, even before I understood narcissism. I think, for me, it was simply as part of my own maturity. As I became more cognizant, even subconsciously, that my mother was becoming unempathetic, the more I pushed back. I began to learn that she would devour my free time. If I let her have free reign over my life, I might not get a chance to even arrive at work showered. Being covert, it’s done in such an “innocent” fashion. As I often found myself saying to her, “Yes, it’s not what you mean to happen. It’s just what seems to happen anyway. That is coming to a close.” Shes mostly moved onto my sister now as, my sister knows nothing about narcissism, although I’ve tried to inform her, is financially and emotionally desperate and is malleable with no boundaries. As my mother ages, that’s what she’s looking for and I’m not it. That works for me! I wish my sister could get out but, as she is now the newly-appointed Golden Child and Flying Monkey, there’s nothing much I can do.
Your boundary videos are amazing. Please keep them coming!
So glad you like them and are here with me! More to come ;)
you seem to be a conscious, sensitive, caring person. thanx
My friend is freezing me out because I don't make enough money, and the hunt for money gives me little time. Life's a vulgar business, garnished with silly love songs. And so it goes. Alas.
A very important tip: Take care of you. Live a healthy happy life. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Thanks for the video - another great one.
Wow. Thank you. That it's a privilege to be in my life is a statement that I haven't considered nearly enough. The temptation to recant the boundary and back-pedal is, for me, almost irresistible, because, hey, I wasn't NICE! The person is now POUTING! They are PETULANT! They lash out, because they are HURT! They are......MANIPULATIVE? CONSISTENTLY STRONG is a term I needed to hear, and I think your video just changed my life. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing here with us Kimberly. It warms my hear to think the vid added value to your health and happiness ;)
You worked hard for that, Terri!! And we got so much from it. I have gone no contact with the narcs and trying to make it for good! A family gone and I am alone! However, I am learning this with my other relationships. They have been used to having what they want from the brittle boundary me...But, I believe this is doable! We will see! Two girlfriend dropped recently as well. They were A LOT of work!! Oh, the drama and manipulation...I am well rid of them. Care about me?? Not at all!!! And they lost me...for good!
Right on, Angela!! Go YOU!
Thank you for seeing me, Terri and reply!!! Thank you for everything...Stronger everyday we all are!! Set backs of course. You beautiful and kindred angel...Our guardian angel...You keep us from slipping and falling!! Backwards...you address our damage from every angle...You give us knowledge and strength...You give us hope when hope was not in sight...We can see it now!! I will be alone for the Holidays....all of them...for the first time in my life this year.....I will find a way even if I watch my festive Xmas tree and have the special dinner with a good and comforting xmas show on TV...And I won't be sitting at a table with cruel and torturing "family" members with pit in stomach, screaming inside...feeling so uncomfortable and out of place while these sinister and twisted people get their sadistic supply...and then say Merry Xmas with a gift in their hand! and open the gifts I so pathetically gave them..Yes, I was actually giving gifts to my sick abusers...The Narcissistic Family Unit with all the Dynamics....Thank you, Terri!! Bless you!! Purple LOVE!!
The psychotherapist I've been visiting told me I need to learn to draw boundaries but that was about it! He never got into it, never gave me any tips, never helped me understand why I've been having boundary issues and how I could change that. I'm so thankful I discovered you Terri! ❤
Holy crap! I so love you... What you share is sooooooo very valuable. You are doing such a great service to humanity.
I really loved your video. You are amazing. I am learning so much about boundaries and how to really implement them more.
I have been getting very impatient with people who just trample all over my boundaries. I am starting to get more vocal about what isn't acceptable. Your videos have helped me specifically this week. Thank you again for sharing!
Warms my heart to hear it, Sophie! Keep up the great work and thank you for being here ;)
I get so much from your videos. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.
Love the sit with the feeling of guilt after setting a boundary self love ❤️
❤️❤️
Thanks. I'm still learning how to set and hold boundaries.
Thank you for your work. SO valuable. I I want to give a shout out to your mother. What a precious gift she gave you when she told you you had permission to 'break up' with your friend ...and she supported you while you set that boundary. Beautiful role model!
A reality not addressed here is children of narcissists are usually narcissists as well. This is great advice, thanks.
L J, my mother is a narcissist, and she struggled to escape from my grandmother, who is also a narcissist. My mum doesn't understand that she is grown to be like my grandmother. She honestly thinks she "grew past it." I'm now fighting to break the cycle.
Thank you, Terri! Beautiful talk.
Thank you for these videos Terri! 🥰
You say so much in your videos. You really wrap it up all
This has been very healing for me thank you!!!💜🙏
This video was perfect for me. As a child my mother allowed my older sister to bully me. Said that’s just what sisters do. She did it our whole life even into adulthood and I thought it was normal until I got into some serious counseling. But I’ve finally found my strength and the word NO.., so here we are 36 and 46 and she still tries to bully me name calling telling me what a pos I am etc so here it is the holidays and here’s my mother YOU NEED TO REACH OUT TO YOUR SISTER SO WE CAN HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS...., UH HUGE NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! And I told my mother respect my boundaries or I won’t have a relationship with you either. I will never give my sister another opportunity to hurt me belittle me bully me.
Witnessing you Rachel and sending you so much compassion. Way to stand up for yourself and reinforce your boundaries! I'm sending you strength. Keep going!!
Stay strong Rachel! You're doing the right thing. You need to honour yourself..and stay true to yourself!
Thank you Terri
I am glad the you say that we can learn and change
I hope so truly hope so
Beautiful and educational video. What sets your videos apart is your real life examples of what to say, how to say it, and how to be authentic. I feel I’ve learned so much from you and I’ve been able to practice in real time based on your examples in order to build my own confidence. I’d love a “part 2” to this.
I am so glad to hear that!!! Thank you for being here!
I am realizing this needs to be done 1 by one and really slowly and consciously as I am crawling in this interactions... I love your terminology... Boundary bullies, yes, yes, yes... That creates a picture in my mind that I usually don t have when I have these trespassors in front of me... I need to practice!!! 🙋♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️🏄♀️
Looking inward. I was on a conference call once with a woman who was speaking to an animal communicator who was telepathing with a whale and this woman wanted to ask about her desire to save the planet. The humpback whale told the communicator that if she truly wanted to save the planet to first go within and clean out her inner planet and in turn this action would affect the outer world and save the planet. That really left an impression on me. I thought that was such a piece of wisdom.
You sound like a whale :o) - very wise. Great conversation and wonderful insight. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
So happy the vid resonated with you, Anastasia
I understand where you are at Brutal Honesty and I hope one day you have the opportunity to walk this path that you have not discovered yet.
So glad that I found your channel, Terri. Very timely information for me and you present it with a very clear delivery. You have a great voice and presentation style for what you do here. I was the youngest of four and sort of the invisible child. Highly sensitive and dominated by everyone with no choices of my own. A common problem , I see. I am 68 and still being bullied by my narcissistic siblings. My sister isnt happy unless she is dominating something. She even treats her cats like dogs. They connect to me better than to her. Anyway, what a dysfunctional world we live in, right? All I have ever done is to try to survive. I have never flourished. Too many health problems. I dont know how much longer my body can last through all of my problems. But I know that I am not alone.
Keep up the good work!
Beth from Connecticut!
I am so glad you found your way here too, Beth ❤️ You're so welcome here, and I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love.
Huge appreciation for your work Terri.
Q: when boundary bully is your adult child & uses passive aggression & mind games?
The remark you made about playing in your guilt as they know you’re an ethical person, spot on & no....this isn’t what he was surrounded by or raised with at all, quite the reverse.
Much of the behaviour has been influence of others incl. ex & child’s partner.
You do not have to play his game. It's a dance because he thinks it will get a certain reaction. If you get clear on your boundaries and consistently hold firm by setting consequences (such as leaving the room) things will begin to shift. I'm sending you strength.
Thank you !!!! I will listen to your tape several times . I really like this content . 💜👏🏼
You’re so very good at what you do. Thank you. I am surrounded by boundary bullies, or was. I have directly benefited and have adopted your words and tone when my teenage daughter is out-of-sorts about a boundary bully in her life. My daughter and I are empathic and essentially the same concepts apply on an energetic level too. I choose who is allowed in my energetic field of love and awareness. I listen and take care of my energy first in self love. It makes it much easier to state my boundaries clearly and hold to them. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words! I am so glad it's resonating for you and helping you to grow.
I am so impressed by your work. I loved the part where your mother actually defended your needs and gave you a solution - DRAW A BOUNDARY AND GET AWAY FROM THIS NARC. So I say to you, you were blessed to have a mom who responded in this way to you. My mom is the opposite of your mom.
Aha! My default guilt and shame is from a totalitarian, too strict childhood upbringing. Any boundary I may have wanted was ''wrong'', rebelious, and ''bad''.
Luckily the same way you learned- you can now UN-learn! Sending you strength to stay on this healing journey, Patricia!
A powerhouse lecture by the one and only TERRI COLE... A POWERHOUSE therapist!
Thank you Bette!! 🥰🤗
It’s terrible. I’m praying for no contact. It’s taking a toll on my health and stress levels. Your videos have been a godsend.
Thank you Terri☺..this resounded with me on a deep level...at this point in my life on my healing journey, if anyone pushes a boundary and are toxic. Even when I stay calm and dignified and when my compassionate dialogue goes out the window and they double down...it's the last time they do..no more dancing with people who are determined not to understand me and care less too teaching common coutesy and kindness to an adult should not be my priority anymore!..the healthier I get the more I cannot and will not tolerate toxicity from anyone!. ..my house is extremely clean 😊. .ypur mother soundsas beautiful as you are..mine unfortunately was a very damaged soul to say the least!...it took me 53 years to lay the bou dary law down...hard lesson..many blessings & much love to you for all you do for us...💜
This is the type of video I’ll be listening to several times.
I'm glad to hear it resonated for you.
You are such a wonderful person for doing these videos. I am on waiting list for therapy and can't ever seem to actually get an appointment. Listening to these are helping me in ways i never knew were possible. Thank you. This video is eerie to me, it felt like you have been observing me for my entire life. Thanks again! I appreciate you for doing this.
You are so welcome, and I'm glad it resonated with you!
Having healthy friends and cleaning house is always a great idea . I love the doesn’t even know me so many people don’t know me anymore.
Just found you on accident. But I want to learn boundaries. I'm borderline and I need to drawn the line lol
I see what you did there ;) Yes to learning boundaries!
Awesome. Thank you Terri!
You are so welcome, Martha!
16:40 🙋♀️ oh so true! And 18:30 I’ve been cleaning house for the past 3 years. I’m no longer friends with two of my longest running friendships. I did try to work through them and grow but the growth was one-sided and the resistance was harsh and I had no choice but to move on. I can relate to what you said about your friend. I was scared too but I did it. I have put so many boundaries in place with my own mother too.
Amazing content as always! Very valuable..
I've answered your question on boundaries...rem.that only bc I fell in love with my narc boyfriend..later on my husband.. not having my boundaries respected as they had been before in my life began...I thought he would become better with the marriage..but he became worse...I had never loved..always been loved ..refusing who i did not love..so he for me was important..then I had 3 children..now grown ...thought that it was a way of being raised up..so few years ago i've discovered that he's a narc..before I though he couldn't help being the way he was..so evil..Now I know he chooses this bc it's convenient so he gets always his way....Finally I have stopped loving ...still together... all boundaries are now up & im waiting to see what GOD is about to do with my situation...bc HE'S the only one that really knows what's the best for me..& the vengeance belongs to Him...that knows our hearts...so for those that are with narcs..STOP LOVING THEM bc they take advantage of us ..if we love them..wait on GOD'S solution staying ...if you are unable to move away from them...forgive them bc they are unable to love..& as soon as possible MOVE ON TOTALLY AWAY FROM THEM...bc only being delivered by God of all their demons & sticking to it..will change them yelling them to be better PERSONS..God bless you all..:-)
My childhood was a challenge to autonomy. Narc mom had to control everything, even bodily functions...boundary setting has been THE greatest challenge in my life. Thanks for your passion, purpose, gifts...going to put on my boots now.
Right on! You deserve to be in control of your own life.
My mother is a narcissist and in my home boundaries did not exist, when I was 18 I had to pick a lock on my bedroom door because my brother aways forget to knock before entering my room so I place a lock on my door so he wouldn't keep your smart him in my mother never taught us boundaries to any of her children. 😞 I feel so late learning this knowledge.
So, are you are saying that the place we were traumatized, is where we will keep being traumatized again. And the only way we can stop it is to become aware of how and where we were traumatized, so that then we can be ready and set a boundary on whoever tries to do it again.
In essence-yes! There is a tendency to attract a similar injury to a childhood injury, partly so we can heal those original injuries in our adult lives. Thank you for being here.
Thank you
Sure thing :)
Thanks for sharing 😉
My mother didn't do boundaries. If I tried to set ANY she would accuse me of being disrespectful, talking to her like a child, challenging her or being difficult. ARRRGGHH!
I had two narc parents, I am now 42 and still trying to navigate the aftermath. Thank you for posting these vital videos, therapy is expensive and these are a great resource, especially in times of turmoil.
I love this, thank you Terri! 😊
💯 EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now 🙏 Thank you TC!! So blessed to have your guidance.
❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much!! I am new and extremely ready to learn!
Welcome, Kendra!!
I had to enforce boundaries on my family members. At times they take it too far. After I separated from them I meet narcissist coworkers that trampled me. Supervisors and our fellow coworkers saw them for who they are. They were eventually fired. The last narcissist was the worse. She was a two-faced, manipulative bully. I had to change my work hours to get away from her or lose my sanity.
Good for you for setting boundaries!
You have the most beautiful, easiest voice to listen to and it pulls me into your message which is explained so gently and effectively. I'm grateful for both and I'm so happy I found your channel! Thank You!
Thank you for being here!
Thank you for the wonderful guidance and sharing you are doing. i really need this and have no person in my life to show me the way. Signed up for bootcamp
Right on, Sharon! Welcome ;)
I was raised in the Foursquare Denominational Christian Church and after watching this video there are a few people who i grew up with in the Church who fit this. One man in particular who I kind of looked up to as a father figure was a hardcore narcissist. He hated being told "no" and loved being in control of other people, especially kids. Thinking back he also was very condescending and patronizing toward everybody he talked to. He also thought he was so superior to everyone else.
when you are only subject to the narcissus on a daily bases getting bullied everyday has been draining. He also says he is joking why he doing this so that it seam he doesn't really mean it or he feel don't feel this way. I have been letting him do this because he says I'm so up tight and don't know to play and take a joke. He is always testing my boundaries that can hurt us in our lives. Then we are struggling to fix problems that we have,
Rights & fears . You r SO SMART!!!
My f as a narc cannot be made any deals with. My sis is a bully. Getting worse. You would not! want to meet them in person. Neither do I. You speak from your heart on the subjects .
Omg!!!! So me!! The guilt of a boundary is soooo hard for me. I get nauseous when I weaken and I'm surrounded by NARCS. They know I'll cave.
yup ...with your help, I set a boundary in a loving and firm way, and now I am feeling guilty about it. ...holding steady; thank you!
Keep steady and sending you strength!!
Great advice
This is a great video. I just recently set a boundry with my brother (I was the parentified older child in a family with a NPD father and schizofrenic mother). Being concise is very very hard in "the heat of the battle", when the boundry bully begins to yell and throw manipulative statements. Stating a boundry that is not simple but requires saying a few sentences is almost impossible when the boundry bully responds verbally aggressively to the first sentence.
Sooo helpful!! Thank you so much!! Keep the videos coming
THANK YOU!!!! I’ve learned more in the three videos I have seen of yours down in countless other ones. I feel empowered, enlightened, and free! You have a great gift! Thank you so much!❤️
How about a men's group. You are very good. We men are isolated for help. One would think only men are bullies when I would bet women do it more. So many guys say. No the wife won't let me go. No guy wants to live anymore. Just walk on egg shells. Women chest just as much too
Yet 99% of online help is for women. They aren't innocent
Of course men deserve help and healing, Terry. I think more opportunities are opening up for men in the online space to heal. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and genders, my friend. I am considering doing a course for men so I thank you for your valuable feedback and for being here.
Wow, I had no idea this could be perceived as assuming men were the boundary bullies. In my experience, the majority are women. A few were men, but they weren't nearly as cruel about it. Men are wonderful and just as important. I do have 2 male friends who have this issue from their wives.
I have def seen many women bullying their men too, emasculating them so I validate your side...
This video is so helpful for me because even though i always tried to set my boundaries, i suffered from guilt and doubts. I needed an encouragement that i never had, so thank you!
You are amazing Terri! Thankyou!
Thank you. I have just learned his to say no! In the past I have had three narcs in my life (apart from my mother) and found it easier to end the relationship. These people can make you do unhappy you should not give them the privilege of being a minute longer in your life. Thank you.
I remember the last conversation with my narc.sister before the final discard, and it went something like. The context is that I’ve said no to something I didn’t want to do. My previous stance with my sister would have meant that my boundaries would collapse under th3 guilt tripping and shaming. Here we go:
Sister: you can’t say no
Me; I can and just did
Sister: you’re so selfish
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way
Sister: you’ve never cared about anyone except yourself
Me: hmmm, no I don’t agree with that. I love my husband and close friends very dearly.
Sister: but you don’t care about me.
Me: I know you probably don’t feel this but I wish you could know how much I do love you. You’re my sister and you have a special place in my heart, it’s just that I can’t go along with what you’re asking if me because it would involve breaking the law and committing a criminal offence, and that is something that I believe no human being should ask of another.
Sister: but it’s only a criminal offence if you get caught, just don’t get caught.
Me: I’m sorry but I can’t live a life that way, it goes against my moral values.
Sister: You stuck up bitch!
Me: please don’t use offensive language.
Sister: so you’re not going to help.
Me: I can’t help you in this particular matter.
Sister: god you’re so selfish and spiteful
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way. I know you’re disappointed but hope that you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to say no.
Sister: you know that our mum (now deceased) always said you were selfish and uncaring.
Me: you know, I’m aware of the conversations that took place behind my back, word got back to me through the family grapevine that mum was slagging me off to my siblings. I think it’s a shame that as a mother she chose to behave like that. It really didn’t help any of us (siblings) to develop healthy relationships.
Sister: so now you’re saying our mother was a crap mother.
Me: I’m saying that a healthy mother would not have done what she did. I don’t like the word crap, that’s a word that you’re using, I would say that she was an unhealthy person with issues.
Sister: God you think you’re so superior to the rest of us.
Me: No I don’t, but I have a clearer idea of my own boundaries these days.
Sister: I’m gonna tell the family that won’t help me. You’re not going to have a single supporter in the family.
Me: I’m not responsible for the decision to bring the rest of the family into this, I stand by my decision.
Sister: you’ve changed.
Me: I know. I had to change to become healthier.
Sister: I preferred the person you used to be. You were much nicer.
Me: well, we all change. I’m sorry that you don’t like me as I am now.
Sister: This is your last chance before the shit is going to hit the fan.
Me: I’ve said all I can say. I’ve said that I’m sorry that I can’t help you, I’ve given legitimate reasons for my decision, I asked that you try to understand, I can’t say anymore.
Sister: whatever happens is your fault.
Me: I can’t accept responsibility for anything that you do resulting from this, nor am I responsible if the rest of the family turns against me.
She slammed the phone down after calling me a fxxking bitch. And yes I was discarded by her and my family over 5 years ago because I refused to engage in a criminal activity.
Way to go for keeping your boundaries. Thank you for sharing your strength.
It sounds easy the way I wrote it but it took every bit of energy I had to maintain my boundaries. My sister is an expert boundary pusher, but then she had a good teacher in our mother. It’s so sad to see her like this because I genuinely love her. But I had to make a choice and change, and I don’t regret the path I chose as I have a great life with real friends. We are truly there for one another. They’re not perfect relationships because I don’t do perfect, but they are real and authentic and have love, trust and honesty as the foundation stones. ❤️
I would have ended the conversation the moment she disregarded my first no. I have no patience with boundary bullies.
Yes, very helpful. Thank you! :-)
I love your videos so helpful when I'm unsure of how I feel about a relationship in my life/doubting myself before questioning my relationship with others, Thankyou ✨
Thank you for these points. I had a similar situation a year and a half ago but I told the person a week earlier that I would not be available about the same time you're describing in your video. However the person tried to break the boundary that morning of the event when I told her I wasn't available and I stood my ground and did not do it. The next day she called angry and asked why and then I let her know I had already told her. So that's something to be aware of and be prepared for it as well