I have an explosive personality. I explode because I, as the youngest, normally stay quiet and endure disrespect until I can't anymore. I grew up around a household where everyone had an explosive personality.
Maureen, Thanks for sharing here with us. You can learn to communicate, in the moment, and then you will be way less explosive. Stay the on the healing path, mama xo
I am the one who has spent my life abused by a narcissistic mother. I have exploded before when she has treated me so badly that I felt I needed to defend myself.
My father was a controller, and this past year I divorced a narcissists. I have had to cut my sister and rebound boyfriend out of my life and examined all my family, most of which were narcissists or codependents. I will not put up with shit from anyone anymore and have a small circle of friends I trust. No more addicts, no more codas and no more narcs. I am happier and healthier than ever and can spot them from a mile away. No only do they rage, they will steal you blind with smiles on their faces!
I wrote a memoir on my experience and the publisher assures me it's a bestseller. However, I need to gain the permission of my children, so it may be a while. Ihave a wonderful boyfriend now!
I grew up in a hope where no one was allowed to be angry aside from my dad... and he still becomes explosive anytime I try to express a need or feeling.
Thank u so much. My wife is a covert narc and my boss explodes with cursing and screaming sometimes. My mother never validated my feelings and my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. I have zero boundaries but am learning through your videos. Thank u so much.
Phil, I am so sorry to hear about your painful past and happy to hear that you are learning and growing from the videos. Keep up the good work because even though it can be challenging - you deserve to be happy -with healthy boundaries. I am sending you strength to stay on your healing path.
It is very sad that you carry this with your children and you catch yourself yelling at them and getting frustrated the exact same way your parents did you. That's when you connect with your child on a real level because that was you not too long ago and it hurts. I hope things get better for anyone who goes through this. 🙏
I applied your method with my mother the other day as she has a very explosive personality if she doesn’t get her own way and OMG it worked usually I use to explode back or just storm off feeling very hurt and angry but I remained calm and collected didn’t raise my voice once she had finished her rant she actually apologised to me for her behaviour which trust me she NEVER does. I have now just purchased your book Boundary Boss and am now starting to work through the exercises. Finding your Chanel has really helped me to see clearly for the very first time on how to interact with certain people in my life who just don’t have any boundaries and see me as the pushover, not anymore! 😆
Loving ourselves is not only about saying 3 times "i love myself" per day. I've understand that boundaries are real actions to show us how much we love ourselves. It's going to be tough to do that but i guess it is the way to deeply love myself. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and advices 🙏🏽
You are the best, thank you so much. These videos address things I have felt my whole life but haven't known how to articulate. Thank you for helping me solve so many issues!!
She described this so accurate. I actually do this,I stay calm n I'm moving step by step back from the person who's doing that kind of ragging..but body react just like she said n the heart in on the front line of defence..exhausting.I would be nice to say "Foff".. It would be nice to say " you're going to cause problem to yourself if u continue with that yelling"...but I stay quiet.just let them dig their on hole.That's my way to say "get d f off"..no apology needed from anyone.
Dear Terri, I came over to you from Dr Ramani and it has been another brick in the strongtower. Changes in my life are evidential and I am so grateful for you and therapists I have listened to. You, Dr Ramani, Leslie Vernick, my life has literally changed. Your teaching is just bombastic. Thank you to you personally. ❤
I was married to someone who was eventually diagnosed with NSPD. There was absolutely nothing I could do to step away from, take a break from, remove myself from or calm the response to his rage. Ultimately after being profusely abused and bullied by this person for over three years...i removed myself and my then nursing infant daughter from that situation...permanently
I don't have any friends or husbands anymore it is just trying to deal with my mother. I don't have a boyfriend either. Because I did attract verbally abusive men who treated me like my mother does.
I grew up in a loving 2 parent household in which my dad had an EXPLOSIVE temper. It was very rarely aimed at us - he was usually raging about something at work. But I can recall at a young age hiding in the closet because his booming voice literally made the windows rattle. We all walked on eggshells to not provoke his anger. Mom would say "Your dad likes to yell to hear his own head roar". She seemed to be the best at not talking it personally. As an adult, I've discovered I have no natural filter - I cannot just "ignore" something, choose not to hear it, etc. I would love to learn how to build healthy filters (in addition to healthy boundaries). How do I do this?
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It is all a process, and now that you are more aware you can start taking steps forward. There is definitely a healthy and respectful way to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries. I will be talking more about boundaries soon, so stay tuned to this channel. I also have a women's Facebook group called Real Love Revolution that you may want to look into.
I grew up around a rager and I am family scapegoat! now in relationship with one not fun!!! thanks for the tips somehow they convince others it's your fault I know---NARCS
This was v helpful. A vid on dealing with the toxic boss flying in to a rage would be great, along with vid as suggested to help in the event you end up in a rage with someone who consistently pushes the boundaries.
I've been exploding when I feel the disrespect. I exploded when someone trampled on my boundary. I hate feeling disrespected and I've shut myself away from everyone on purpose because I'm staying calm. I can't help it when I express myself normally and no one takes notice. It's like the only way to be heard is to explode. I've only done it to one person because she kept on crossing my boundary and I'm so confused like why can't she listen and just respect I don't want her in my life. She keeps trying and trying and I'm just trying to stay calm n peaceful. She doesn't listen and it pisses me off I feel unheard and like I'm not taken seriously
I'm witnessing you with compassion. If someone keeps violating your boundary it's within your rights to set a consequence like leaving the room or ending the conversation. I'm sending you strength.
I’m explosive when I’m pissed at someone especially when they think I’m stupid or when I feel I’m being attacked or manipulated. People usually get their feelings hurt EASILY when I become this way. I hate it…I wish I could handle this differently because it is ruining relationships. Unfortunately, it stems from my childhood because I always felt ignored or not believed by my parents. So, if I go into raging explosive episodes I feel like people will hear me and see me then. I spent a lot of years quiet and letting people belittle me and take advantage of me or lie on me so I feel like I’m finally sticking up for myself.
@@terri_cole I'm practicing boundary setting most times I go to the store. I have to admit, It feels unusual. I even feel a sense of unnecessary guilt. Empaths don't want to hurt "personal space invaders" feelings and make domineering or intrusive people feel bad. Hum. I see the conflict. My default reaction is Freeze/Fawn as a child of a Borderline Birth Mother. Hopefully, I'll be able to drawn protective boundaries without feeling internal feelings of terror welling up inside me.
I experienced someone exploding on me (and others) during conflicts. Over time, it became a disorienting spew of pure poisonous hostility. I forgave them privately after several years but have never re-initiated contact. It is very hard if it is family but it is still essential to remove yourself from these situations. That one experience taught me several lessons when dealing with similar personalities and saved me from a bad encounter by knowing when and how to exit.
Great video, Terri! So resonating! The situation you described in the video can trigger me in the worst of ways. Back in 2010 I had a boss who was a raging maniac. He used to vent his frustration on us employees for reasons that did not warrant such a reaction. I remember the first time he yelled at me, I went into a stupor or sorts. I experienced the same bodily reactions you described. I became the terrified 5-6 year old. Everyday I was terrified of going to the office just like a kid is terrified of going to school because of a scary teacher(parents with little kids really need to check in regularly with their kids and ask them about their teacher's behavior. I've seen and known a lot of teachers who take their frustrations out on children by screaming, punishing or hitting them. Parents please take note!) Eventually, I ended up leaving the company after barely 4 months of work experience and with a multitude of health problems. My BP had gone down really low, I had lost a lot of weight, lost my appetite and my face was severely acne ridden because of stress. Back then I had no freaking clue about narcissism and the like. Even today, if something like this were to happen, I'm pretty sure I'd still react like a cowering, fearful child. Such volatile and unpredictable people do indeed remind me of someone from my family- my father. You're right that staying with such people is very very harmful to health. Some people think they own the world and everyone in it and it is important to remind such people that they in fact DO NOT. The ideas suggested by you sound fantastic as they achieve 3 results at once- I get to safeguard my health and peace of mind, I don't fall beneath my personal integrity level by screaming back and most importantly, I get to puncture the boss's inflated sense of ego by disagreeing to be a part of his/her nonsense. Thank you!
Terri, I am in a relationship (18 years) with a covert narcissist and I find myself screaming in the drop of a hat and calling him terrible names. I see myself becoming just like him. I am very scared. I am willing to learn I want to be FREE!!!
We talked to a pastor and he just said I need to be more understanding and try harder to respect my husband. Thank you so much for taking time to post....
Same....My mother was extremely explosive with me growing up and now I explode on her.. When I was a teenager they tried to diagnose me with "Destructive disorder" because of it... But funny shes the only person I blow up on..
I’ve been reading and learning a lot on this subject and I keep picking up on a common theme: empaths will begin to mirror the aggressive traits. The covert is wanting you to get emotional, thats their supply. I see so many codependents (myself included) wondering if they are the covert narc. Give yourself a break and take a step back and breathe. Look at the conversation and see what is going on behind the scene, covertly, that is provoking you. Good luck on your journey. I’m still contemplating my own.
Thank you for these suggestions. I become "helpless" in the face of explosive rage, and the ex's narcissistic rage would flummox me. Until I saw him as a 4-year-old toddler having a temper tantrum, I was helpless in the face of his rage. In time, I found his 63-year-old "tantrum" amusing and it didn't bother me as much as it used to. Walking away and saying that I will take a break and then following through seems like an optimal response to someone raging like that. I will practice that in my mind and in the mirror, so that I can be ready, rather than cowering or escalating. The breathing to the double count of 10 will be helpful, also. Thanks.
That boss is my mother however with people in the world outside of my mother I will feel and deal a whole lot differently than when it is my mother. Sometimes I feel like a 12 year old always with my mother and sometimes with others. My mother won't discuss what has happened after a situation either when she is calm maybe the next day and at 83 years old she's not going to change and it's not up to someone to change it's up to me to be able to deal with them.
I think if I encountered someone again in the workplace who attacked me with your examples I might just respond “that’s possible” with a deadpan delivery. Never would’ve had the confidence to do that in the past.
Hi Terri How do we change our blueprint ? I’ve learned so much about narcissism , on your you tube channel. First of all thank you. I wish I would have learned about all this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain. My mother has always been abusive , and it’s as if she has a spell / influence on people and they start thinking that you are who she says who you are .. please help I really want to change what I attract .... I’ve had to go no contact and we a strong boundary with my mother, I cannot believe the hate she has for me . Signed Sad in AZ
Great question! You are in the right place at the right time. Now that you're learning this, you have the awareness to make change. My courses are a great place to learn more about your blueprint and change it. I have information about Boundary Bootcamp (my next course!) coming out soon! You can join the waitlist here and be the first to hear all the details www.terricole.com/bb2020/
Thank you,Terri, I am going thru this experience with a female Manager, and yes, signs of a Narcissist. I have grown up in this type of environment. It feels like when they are trying to provoke you (quick out burst - blame - accuse - assumed by snapping in your face) and what seems like TRYING to have you retaliate (react -respond) back and to wear, their guilt. (as I block it mentally off my force shield and the their guilt hits the floor -cause I am Not going to wear it for them!! LOL).... I am Grateful, there seems to always be a calmness that flows over me - like a protection. and of course, I have experienced these traits in an environment growing up. I agree, the effects .prior (especially happening before - feeling like your walking on egg shells and not knowing ) and the after effects....by mentally asking yourself and trying to comprehend the indifference's...can effect the body in many different ways... Forever GREATFUL in your sharing, grouping, wisdom and knowledge.......so, I know I am on the right path in staying with our own kind and not go crazy - crazy...............I have referred others to your site as well... I have joined your Boundaries Group.
I come from a highly explosive abusive Family. In Germany anger IS Not a forbidden emotion. I went to a Coach and she Kind of freaked me Out. I went to my other Coach and simply told her...i am afraid of her. They took me seriously and this new Coach even apologized . Interesting IS that I couldn even identify my real emotion. But of course coming from that Environment...I was Always afraid🤐😱🤬🥶
You are amazing Terri!! Thank you for all the wonderful guidance and advice! I love your perspective on these things! You’ve been such a huge help to me! 🙏🏻❤️
I have a narcissist mother. Sometimes I explode on my children because they dont listen unless I get angry. I wish I could stop this. I don't do it every day but it's still damaging to them. How can I stop This? I dont hit them i yell and display anger. What about them not listening makes me feel threatened? I've been implementing boundries with my mom and it's been pretty rough lately. I go between feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, empowered...I downloaded your narcissist pdf.
Personal life? I would never want anyone who acts out like that as a rule. I know that would never do for me. Rather stay solo. Work, however, big sigh. People are Krazee!!! LOL
My mother was most explosive because my dad was also an alcoholic and it led to his death. My mother also had a background of being adopted by people who kind of weren't great when they had their own biological kids and left her in a boarding school. So she was full of rage and messed up my head. So I always become very angry when people speak to me like s@#t
I had to come back and watch this video again. Great reference. Thank you so much. In terms of that follow-up video, was it ever made? If so, which video is it? I tried looking but couldn't find it.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Okay! No worries; just figured I'd ask. Oh, you're welcome! Thank you for making "here" possible -- and for taking the time to reply. It made my day!
Live in a home with an explosive narc ( father ) and addict mother. I’m disabled and raising two children ( one whose also disabled ). It’s hell for us and we soooo want to move out. Financially we are stuck.
I am so sorry to hear it. Keep looking for solutions to gain your independence for yourself and your kids. Have yo looked into any non-profit organizations that may specialize in helping women with disabilities ?
My ex makes me like this. We lived together 3 years, got along fine.He came out of 30 day alcohol rehab & turned on my 180o he was my boss prior, I left him 10 months ago. And my toxic mother was not a help. I am just coming back to earth from months of deep depression, coming out of PTSD traumatized on what went wrong. I lived in fight or flight most of my life prior🙏🙇🏻♀️
My sister loses her $%@# constantly. I just watch and have to tell her, hey don't get mad at me. Then she tries to calm down. We had CPTSD as children. Rage was the norm. I am trying to reprogram. It is hard.
I"m witnessing you with compassion. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process. It may take some time, but you are working towards feeling your best.
How can this boundary apply to parents when they name call.Should we give them a chance again and again since this is their habit and will take time to break like boundry record method?
Hi there- I have a video about repeat boundary offenders and setting consequences here that may give you some ideas: ruclips.net/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/видео.html I am so sorry if this has been your experience. ❤️ I would say do what is right for you. If your parents are disrespectful in other ways, take that into consideration. If they do not make you feel good when you spend time with them, lessen your contact with them (if you can). You have every right to set your own limits with this and determine what is a reasonable time frame. ❤️ Everyone is different and it is up to you what you tolerate.
Pretty sure dad had Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). He was a highly creative man and very inventive. He was also an underdeveloped narcissist. Who drank. He could go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. I was afraid often as a child as I was often the target.
I really don't like it when people explode like that. It unworthy and it feels like abuse. I don't remember anybody exploding in my family, so I don't know why I react like that.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. When it happens, take a moment to ask yourself the three Qs and see what comes up for you. "Who does this person remind me of? Where have I felt like this before? Why is this relationship dynamic familiar?"
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you for responding to my comment 😊. Isn't it a possibility that it's because I'm not used to that kind of behavior?
Hey there- Sorry about that -if you email Joyce@terricole.com she will send it to you. My new site is going up and that is messing up the download. Thanks for your patience.
I agree and disagree with your position. Most subordinates in a committee setting telling a loud superior to take it down a notch will get them canned in or after the meeting. A better approach is to provide a solution to the problem and then ask Bob what he thinks. After the meeting is over, behind closed doors, address Bob's approach with him.
Excellent video, but in the video yoy refered us to another person that could help with managing energy, Nd could not find the link under the video lime you stayed?
Here you go, Sydney! 1. who does this person remind me of? 2. where have I felt this way before? 3. Why or how is our behavioral dynamic familiar to me?
Lol what if im the one who reacts? Sometimes it is me😟. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. My Dad was a screaming maniac . Now I notice I do it too!
Noticing it is the first step. Raising your awareness lets you start looking for patterns of what triggers you to react this way. You can also start practicing awareness to give yourself more time to make a new choice in the moment. It is a process, and it may take some time and concentrated awareness.
I have an explosive personality. I explode because I, as the youngest, normally stay quiet and endure disrespect until I can't anymore. I grew up around a household where everyone had an explosive personality.
Maureen,
Thanks for sharing here with us. You can learn to communicate, in the moment, and then you will be way less explosive. Stay the on the healing path, mama xo
Do you have any videos that talk specifically about how to not react in an explosive manner if you have an explosive personality?
I saw the video to the end and I see you're doing a follow up video already :-) Awesome!
Same here
Choice to change your ways now
I am the one who has spent my life abused by a narcissistic mother. I have exploded before when she has treated me so badly that I felt I needed to defend myself.
My father was a controller, and this past year I divorced a narcissists. I have had to cut my sister and rebound boyfriend out of my life and examined all my family, most of which were narcissists or codependents. I will not put up with shit from anyone anymore and have a small circle of friends I trust. No more addicts, no more codas and no more narcs. I am happier and healthier than ever and can spot them from a mile away. No only do they rage, they will steal you blind with smiles on their faces!
You go Debbie! I really hope your life takes a turn for the better hereafter :) Wish you the best on your journey!
I wrote a memoir on my experience and the publisher assures me it's a bestseller. However, I need to gain the permission of my children, so it may be a while. Ihave a wonderful boyfriend now!
Hey! That's awesome! Nothing better than turning the lemons of your life into lemonade :) Congratulations!
Right on, Debbie! Thank you for sharing your story and insight here with us.
Debbie Warner Your comment hits close to home for me and you're not alone!!
I grew up in a hope where no one was allowed to be angry aside from my dad... and he still becomes explosive anytime I try to express a need or feeling.
Stella,
I feel you and am grateful you are here.
Thank u so much. My wife is a covert narc and my boss explodes with cursing and screaming sometimes. My mother never validated my feelings and my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. I have zero boundaries but am learning through your videos. Thank u so much.
Phil,
I am so sorry to hear about your painful past and happy to hear that you are learning and growing from the videos. Keep up the good work because even though it can be challenging - you deserve to be happy -with healthy boundaries. I am sending you strength to stay on your healing path.
Me too, I have the same story
Your voice is extremely soothing.
It is very sad that you carry this with your children and you catch yourself yelling at them and getting frustrated the exact same way your parents did you. That's when you connect with your child on a real level because that was you not too long ago and it hurts. I hope things get better for anyone who goes through this. 🙏
I applied your method with my mother the other day as she has a very explosive personality if she doesn’t get her own way and OMG it worked usually I use to explode back or just storm off feeling very hurt and angry but I remained calm and collected didn’t raise my voice once she had finished her rant she actually apologised to me for her behaviour which trust me she NEVER does. I have now just purchased your book Boundary Boss and am now starting to work through the exercises. Finding your Chanel has really helped me to see clearly for the very first time on how to interact with certain people in my life who just don’t have any boundaries and see me as the pushover, not anymore! 😆
Loving ourselves is not only about saying 3 times "i love myself" per day. I've understand that boundaries are real actions to show us how much we love ourselves. It's going to be tough to do that but i guess it is the way to deeply love myself. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and advices 🙏🏽
You are the best, thank you so much. These videos address things I have felt my whole life but haven't known how to articulate. Thank you for helping me solve so many issues!!
I am so happy you are finding the vids helpful, Medina! Thank you for being here, mama ;)
She described this so accurate. I actually do this,I stay calm n I'm moving step by step back from the person who's doing that kind of ragging..but body react just like she said n the heart in on the front line of defence..exhausting.I would be nice to say "Foff".. It would be nice to say " you're going to cause problem to yourself if u continue with that yelling"...but I stay quiet.just let them dig their on hole.That's my way to say "get d f off"..no apology needed from anyone.
Dear Terri, I came over to you from Dr Ramani and it has been another brick in the strongtower. Changes in my life are evidential and I am so grateful for you and therapists I have listened to. You, Dr Ramani, Leslie Vernick, my life has literally changed. Your teaching is just bombastic. Thank you to you personally. ❤
❤️❤️❤️
I was married to someone who was eventually diagnosed with NSPD. There was absolutely nothing I could do to step away from, take a break from, remove myself from or calm the response to his rage. Ultimately after being profusely abused and bullied by this person for over three years...i removed myself and my then nursing infant daughter from that situation...permanently
I am glad you and your daughter got out and are safe. I am sending you strength and cheering you on, mama.
I don't have any friends or husbands anymore it is just trying to deal with my mother. I don't have a boyfriend either. Because I did attract verbally abusive men who treated me like my mother does.
I grew up in a loving 2 parent household in which my dad had an EXPLOSIVE temper. It was very rarely aimed at us - he was usually raging about something at work. But I can recall at a young age hiding in the closet because his booming voice literally made the windows rattle. We all walked on eggshells to not provoke his anger. Mom would say "Your dad likes to yell to hear his own head roar". She seemed to be the best at not talking it personally.
As an adult, I've discovered I have no natural filter - I cannot just "ignore" something, choose not to hear it, etc. I would love to learn how to build healthy filters (in addition to healthy boundaries). How do I do this?
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It is all a process, and now that you are more aware you can start taking steps forward. There is definitely a healthy and respectful way to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries. I will be talking more about boundaries soon, so stay tuned to this channel. I also have a women's Facebook group called Real Love Revolution that you may want to look into.
I grew up around a rager and I am family scapegoat! now in relationship with one not fun!!!
thanks for the tips somehow they convince others it's your fault I know---NARCS
Debbie-I am sorry to hear it. Hopefully you are gaining the tools to change that scenario soon ;) thanks for being here.
This was v helpful. A vid on dealing with the toxic boss flying in to a rage would be great, along with vid as suggested to help in the event you end up in a rage with someone who consistently pushes the boundaries.
I've been exploding when I feel the disrespect. I exploded when someone trampled on my boundary. I hate feeling disrespected and I've shut myself away from everyone on purpose because I'm staying calm. I can't help it when I express myself normally and no one takes notice. It's like the only way to be heard is to explode. I've only done it to one person because she kept on crossing my boundary and I'm so confused like why can't she listen and just respect I don't want her in my life. She keeps trying and trying and I'm just trying to stay calm n peaceful. She doesn't listen and it pisses me off I feel unheard and like I'm not taken seriously
I'm witnessing you with compassion. If someone keeps violating your boundary it's within your rights to set a consequence like leaving the room or ending the conversation. I'm sending you strength.
You are so kind to provide such valuable and life changing content for free for us! It brings grateful tears. ♥️
You are so welcome! I'm so glad it resonated for you ❤️
I’m explosive when I’m pissed at someone especially when they think I’m stupid or when I feel I’m being attacked or manipulated. People usually get their feelings hurt EASILY when I become this way. I hate it…I wish I could handle this differently because it is ruining relationships. Unfortunately, it stems from my childhood because I always felt ignored or not believed by my parents. So, if I go into raging explosive episodes I feel like people will hear me and see me then.
I spent a lot of years quiet and letting people belittle me and take advantage of me or lie on me so I feel like I’m finally sticking up for myself.
The breathing exercise is something I plan to use each day. Thank You Terri.
You're so welcome!
@@terri_cole
I'm practicing boundary setting most times I go to the store. I have to admit,
It feels unusual. I even feel a sense of unnecessary guilt. Empaths don't want to hurt "personal space invaders" feelings and make domineering or intrusive people feel bad. Hum. I see the conflict.
My default reaction is Freeze/Fawn as a child of a Borderline Birth Mother. Hopefully, I'll be able to drawn protective boundaries without feeling internal feelings of terror welling up inside me.
I really do love your work Terri.
I love your take-no-shit attitude.
Omg! So glad I came to watch your channel! Amazing..I just had an awful exchange email and bullied! So many intolerant people!
I experienced someone exploding on me (and others) during conflicts. Over time, it became a disorienting spew of pure poisonous hostility. I forgave them privately after several years but have never re-initiated contact. It is very hard if it is family but it is still essential to remove yourself from these situations. That one experience taught me several lessons when dealing with similar personalities and saved me from a bad encounter by knowing when and how to exit.
Great video, Terri! So resonating! The situation you described in the video can trigger me in the worst of ways. Back in 2010 I had a boss who was a raging maniac. He used to vent his frustration on us employees for reasons that did not warrant such a reaction. I remember the first time he yelled at me, I went into a stupor or sorts. I experienced the same bodily reactions you described. I became the terrified 5-6 year old. Everyday I was terrified of going to the office just like a kid is terrified of going to school because of a scary teacher(parents with little kids really need to check in regularly with their kids and ask them about their teacher's behavior. I've seen and known a lot of teachers who take their frustrations out on children by screaming, punishing or hitting them. Parents please take note!) Eventually, I ended up leaving the company after barely 4 months of work experience and with a multitude of health problems. My BP had gone down really low, I had lost a lot of weight, lost my appetite and my face was severely acne ridden because of stress. Back then I had no freaking clue about narcissism and the like. Even today, if something like this were to happen, I'm pretty sure I'd still react like a cowering, fearful child. Such volatile and unpredictable people do indeed remind me of someone from my family- my father. You're right that staying with such people is very very harmful to health. Some people think they own the world and everyone in it and it is important to remind such people that they in fact DO NOT. The ideas suggested by you sound fantastic as they achieve 3 results at once- I get to safeguard my health and peace of mind, I don't fall beneath my personal integrity level by screaming back and most importantly, I get to puncture the boss's inflated sense of ego by disagreeing to be a part of his/her nonsense. Thank you!
Right on, Nitya! Thanks for such a concise and thoughtful share ;)
Terri, I am in a relationship (18 years) with a covert narcissist and I find myself screaming in the drop of a hat and calling him terrible names. I see myself becoming just like him. I am very scared.
I am willing to learn I want to be FREE!!!
Keep learning and growing. Your awareness is the first step to changing something. I am cheering you on!
We talked to a pastor and he just said I need to be more understanding and try harder to respect my husband. Thank you so much for taking time to post....
I feel the same way as you.
Same....My mother was extremely explosive with me growing up and now I explode on her.. When I was a teenager they tried to diagnose me with "Destructive disorder" because of it... But funny shes the only person I blow up on..
I’ve been reading and learning a lot on this subject and I keep picking up on a common theme: empaths will begin to mirror the aggressive traits. The covert is wanting you to get emotional, thats their supply. I see so many codependents (myself included) wondering if they are the covert narc. Give yourself a break and take a step back and breathe. Look at the conversation and see what is going on behind the scene, covertly, that is provoking you. Good luck on your journey. I’m still contemplating my own.
Thank you for these suggestions.
I become "helpless" in the face of explosive rage, and the ex's narcissistic rage would flummox me.
Until I saw him as a 4-year-old toddler having a temper tantrum, I was helpless in the face of his rage.
In time, I found his 63-year-old "tantrum" amusing and it didn't bother me as much as it used to.
Walking away and saying that I will take a break and then following through seems like an optimal response to someone raging like that.
I will practice that in my mind and in the mirror, so that I can be ready, rather than cowering or escalating.
The breathing to the double count of 10 will be helpful, also.
Thanks.
Thank you for being here, Nettonya! I am so glad the video resonated with you ;)
I love your videos. You be ripping some folks that we know up ripping em up in a good way.
That boss is my mother however with people in the world outside of my mother I will feel and deal a whole lot differently than when it is my mother. Sometimes I feel like a 12 year old always with my mother and sometimes with others. My mother won't discuss what has happened after a situation either when she is calm maybe the next day and at 83 years old she's not going to change and it's not up to someone to change it's up to me to be able to deal with them.
True story about not being able to change others, Elizabeth. thanks for sharing here with us.
Giving you a virtual hug! You have taught me to stand up for myself and I feel much more empowered! God protect you. Keep on keepin’ On!!!
I think if I encountered someone again in the workplace who attacked me with your examples I might just respond “that’s possible” with a deadpan delivery. Never would’ve had the confidence to do that in the past.
Wooohoooo!!!! That's progress!
Theres also Freeze and Fawn, not just Fight and Flight
You are so relatable and spot on. Thank you :)
You're welcome!
Thank you. You are just such a soothing woman and your voice is so relaxing ❤️. Such great advice. Thank you dear ❤️
You're welcome!!
Hi Terri
How do we change our blueprint ? I’ve learned so much about narcissism , on your you tube channel. First of all thank you. I wish I would have learned about all this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain. My mother has always been abusive , and it’s as if she has a spell / influence on people and they start thinking that you are who she says who you are .. please help
I really want to change what I attract ....
I’ve had to go no contact and we a strong boundary with my mother, I cannot believe the hate she has for me .
Signed
Sad in AZ
Great question! You are in the right place at the right time. Now that you're learning this, you have the awareness to make change. My courses are a great place to learn more about your blueprint and change it. I have information about Boundary Bootcamp (my next course!) coming out soon! You can join the waitlist here and be the first to hear all the details www.terricole.com/bb2020/
Thank you,Terri, I am going thru this experience with a female Manager, and yes, signs of a Narcissist. I have grown up in this type of environment. It feels like when they are trying to provoke you (quick out burst - blame - accuse - assumed by snapping in your face) and what seems like TRYING to have you retaliate (react -respond) back and to wear, their guilt. (as I block it mentally off my force shield and the their guilt hits the floor -cause I am Not going to wear it for them!! LOL)....
I am Grateful, there seems to always be a calmness that flows over me - like a protection. and of course, I have experienced these traits in an environment growing up.
I agree, the effects .prior (especially happening before - feeling like your walking on egg shells and not knowing ) and the after effects....by mentally asking yourself and trying to comprehend the indifference's...can effect the body in many different ways...
Forever GREATFUL in your sharing, grouping, wisdom and knowledge.......so, I know I am on the right path in staying with our own kind and not go crazy - crazy...............I have referred others to your site as well...
I have joined your Boundaries Group.
Thank you so much! This explains a lot for me xxx😊❤
You're so welcome 💕
Good info!!
I come from a highly explosive abusive Family. In Germany anger IS Not a forbidden emotion. I went to a Coach and she Kind of freaked me Out. I went to my other Coach and simply told her...i am afraid of her. They took me seriously and this new Coach even apologized . Interesting IS that I couldn even identify my real emotion. But of course coming from that Environment...I was Always afraid🤐😱🤬🥶
I'm so sorry to hear that, although I am glad you were able to identify what was going on and tell that to your coach ❤️
Teri, this video was is very helpful and enlightening for me! THANK YOU!
You are so welcome, Gabriela! Thank you for being here with us.
You are amazing Terri!! Thank you for all the wonderful guidance and advice! I love your perspective on these things! You’ve been such a huge help to me! 🙏🏻❤️
Ahaha! Lol! Teri your funny when u said the boss started freaking out!
I have a narcissist mother. Sometimes I explode on my children because they dont listen unless I get angry. I wish I could stop this. I don't do it every day but it's still damaging to them. How can I stop This? I dont hit them i yell and display anger. What about them not listening makes me feel threatened? I've been implementing boundries with my mom and it's been pretty rough lately. I go between feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, empowered...I downloaded your narcissist pdf.
It’s good not to be an audience for such explosive boundaries. You are unwittingly rewarding them by staying there listening to it.
Thank you so much for this, i will practice it in my life with toxic coworkers
Right on!!!
Personal life? I would never want anyone who acts out like that as a rule. I know that would never do for me. Rather stay solo. Work, however, big sigh. People are Krazee!!! LOL
I love your videos and I am really looking forward to your follow up as I am that explosive person. :(
Deborah,
Your awareness is step one and a desire to learn a better way is step two ;) You are on your way, mama.
My mother was most explosive because my dad was also an alcoholic and it led to his death.
My mother also had a background of being adopted by people who kind of weren't great when they had their own biological kids and left her in a boarding school. So she was full of rage and messed up my head.
So I always become very angry when people speak to me like s@#t
Teri Cole you are a beautiful soul. Thank you.
That made me smile, thank you!
I had to come back and watch this video again. Great reference. Thank you so much.
In terms of that follow-up video, was it ever made? If so, which video is it? I tried looking but couldn't find it.
It is my list but enough people have mentioned so I will film it and let you know when it goes live. Thank you for being here with us.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Okay! No worries; just figured I'd ask.
Oh, you're welcome! Thank you for making "here" possible -- and for taking the time to reply. It made my day!
Yes, I definitely need that follow-up video! I’ve been doing a lot of work around self-soothing lately.
Yes please do that next video
Great advice!
Thank you! 💜
Can someone please post the follow up video? I am the explosive one. I need to get better before I lose my relationship for good.
Amazing techniques!
You are just amazing
You're very kind, thank you!
Live in a home with an explosive narc ( father ) and addict mother. I’m disabled and raising two children ( one whose also disabled ). It’s hell for us and we soooo want to move out. Financially we are stuck.
I am so sorry to hear it. Keep looking for solutions to gain your independence for yourself and your kids. Have yo looked into any non-profit organizations that may specialize in helping women with disabilities ?
My ex makes me like this. We lived together 3 years, got along fine.He came out of 30 day alcohol rehab & turned on my 180o he was my boss prior, I left him 10 months ago. And my toxic mother was not a help. I am just coming back to earth from months of deep depression, coming out of PTSD traumatized on what went wrong. I lived in fight or flight most of my life prior🙏🙇🏻♀️
I'm witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you. Keep taking care of you, mama.
My sister loses her $%@# constantly. I just watch and have to tell her, hey don't get mad at me. Then she tries to calm down. We had CPTSD as children. Rage was the norm. I am trying to reprogram. It is hard.
I"m witnessing you with compassion. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process. It may take some time, but you are working towards feeling your best.
@@terri_cole Thank you.
Thanks for existing 🥺😭🤧🤱🏻💆🏻♀️👩🏻🦯👩👧🖤🖤❤️❤️
You are so welcome.
Perfect!! Love these ideas!
Omg. This explains my pot belly as a child 😢
How can this boundary apply to parents when they name call.Should we give them a chance again and again since this is their habit and will take time to break like boundry record method?
Hi there- I have a video about repeat boundary offenders and setting consequences here that may give you some ideas: ruclips.net/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/видео.html I am so sorry if this has been your experience. ❤️ I would say do what is right for you. If your parents are disrespectful in other ways, take that into consideration. If they do not make you feel good when you spend time with them, lessen your contact with them (if you can). You have every right to set your own limits with this and determine what is a reasonable time frame. ❤️ Everyone is different and it is up to you what you tolerate.
Lmao at "who the hell wants a pot belly"
True tho, right?? ;)
That's me I hate it when I do it. My father has always and still 😱at me.
It is still not clear how to handle an explosive boss
Pretty sure dad had Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). He was a highly creative man and very inventive. He was also an underdeveloped narcissist. Who drank. He could go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. I was afraid often as a child as I was often the target.
I'm witnessing you with compassion, I'm sorry you experienced that from your father.
Hi Terri, I cannot find the link to sign up for the Boundary Bootcamp.
Thank you!
Hi how can i find the following video?
You're brilliant thank you x
Great video. I don't see the link to your friend.
Here you go Alisia! ruclips.net/video/p6VYZ1Qc2_w/видео.html
Still have the quiz? Didn't see the link?
Where is the link for the Lara touch?
I tend to BE the EXPLODER ... my cousin tells me to TONE IT DOWN.
Ahh I grew up in a family where we couldn't argue. Yup and my parents would be ready to explode at any time. Not all the time but..
I really don't like it when people explode like that. It unworthy and it feels like abuse. I don't remember anybody exploding in my family, so I don't know why I react like that.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. When it happens, take a moment to ask yourself the three Qs and see what comes up for you. "Who does this person remind me of? Where have I felt like this before? Why is this relationship dynamic familiar?"
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you for responding to my comment 😊. Isn't it a possibility that it's because I'm not used to that kind of behavior?
Me too it’s just so unnecessary and uncalled for
I can't download the cheat sheet
Hey there-
Sorry about that -if you email Joyce@terricole.com she will send it to you. My new site is going up and that is messing up the download. Thanks for your patience.
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution Thank You!
I agree and disagree with your position. Most subordinates in a committee setting telling a loud superior to take it down a notch will get them canned in or after the meeting. A better approach is to provide a solution to the problem and then ask Bob what he thinks. After the meeting is over, behind closed doors, address Bob's approach with him.
Thank you for your point of view!
Excellent video, but in the video yoy refered us to another person that could help with managing energy, Nd could not find the link under the video lime you stayed?
Here you go Brian!
ruclips.net/video/p6VYZ1Qc2_w/видео.html
You mentioned asking yourself "the 3 q's", what is that?
Here you go, Sydney! 1. who does this person remind me of? 2. where have I felt this way before? 3. Why or how is our behavioral dynamic familiar to me?
Lol what if im the one who reacts? Sometimes it is me😟. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. My Dad was a screaming maniac . Now I notice I do it too!
Noticing it is the first step. Raising your awareness lets you start looking for patterns of what triggers you to react this way. You can also start practicing awareness to give yourself more time to make a new choice in the moment. It is a process, and it may take some time and concentrated awareness.
*stated?
I love your videos but I would really like to see a more concise version of this ... good lord!
Can't find the download from your friend Lara, boo hoo
Here you go ;)
ruclips.net/video/p6VYZ1Qc2_w/видео.html
hi