The Truth About How Infidelity Starts
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- Опубликовано: 11 апр 2021
- Hi, have you ever said the following statement to your spouse after your affair was discovered, to yourself, "It just happened, I couldn’t help it.?" In this video I explain to you what I learned about the state of mind I was in before my affair and what you can learn from infidelity that will help you prevent future infidelity.
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Hi, my name Is Stacey and Im an infidelity coach. I take the same tools that changed my life after my affair and help you regain control over you thoughts emotions and life.
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My affair was a turning point for me in that I learned my life was spinning out of control and I didn't even realize it.
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Infidelity does not have to be the end, you can regain control over your emotions and begin to build the life God created for you to have.
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I offer 1:1 coaching in a nonjudgemental atmosphere
I also have an 4-week online course on How To Manage Affair Withdrawal Symptoms
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I have free resources and blog post that will help you durning this difficult and confusing time in your life--------- https;//www.moderndayeve.com
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You may email me with any questions or if you just want to chat----stacey@moderndayeve.com
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Follow me in Instagram for more helpful information on how to heal from infidelity ---modern.day.eve.coaching
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I know the thoughts and plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I hope you found this video helpful. If you have any topics or questions you would like me to address please don't hesitate to ask. God bless and keep going!!
Did you get recover your husband after the affair became known or not?
@@richardbradbury8735 Hi I'm not sure I understand ypur question?
@@staceychenevert hi, sorry I meant to say did you get through the affair and did you stay with your husband or did you and your husband split up?
@@richardbradbury8735 I got through the affair and I am still with my husband.
@@staceychenevert that’s good news. The reason I asked is because I neglected my 10 year partner, she just got fed up with me pushing her away. wHer affair finished about a month ago and we are still together, seems strong, but I’m not sure if I can forgive and get through it.
Affairs are really a eye opener, because we realize the worth of spouse after the affair partner ditch
That's so true 👍
Brave brave brave ministry, Young Lovely.
Great points about the orange flags of the process.
Because an affair is not an event - it’s a grooming process.
I hope this language brings forth the predatory nature of this behavior.
It’s grooming.
I think a lot of folks are in denial, and this advice you discuss can give people earlier on this path a stop sign before it’s out of control.
If you:
- notice yourself noticing a flirtation, then
- notice yourself responding, then
- justifying “oh, it’s innocent and just makes a boring day go by pleasantly”, “we’re just friends”, (if there’s a “just” before your description of this relationship, you could be justifying it) or
- notice yourself seeking, inviting flirtatious behavior
please know these are at least an orange flag for any reasonably attentive spouse,, and a red, whipping, waving, snapping flags to a spouse who loves you, that pains.
The flirtation alone admonishes your spouse, relegates, dismisses.
A lot of people get such deep denial they don’t notice even when it’s obvious to others around the situation.
I know a married man who made rules around a young, single coworker of his.
At work, he’d make a point never to be alone with her in a room, without another coworker present, because he “didn’t want coworkers to get the wrong idea”.
If you’re making rules like that for a specific coworker that you don’t note or practice with others or would feel ridiculously unnecessary with others - let that be a clue.
If people around you are having or could have the idea your flirtations are out of bounds, then the true intentions underlying your flirtation might already be obvious to them, even if not yet to you.
If you’re hiding aspects of a particular friendship from other coworkers or people you want to respect you, you may as well be throwing a rock at your spouse’s head.
This guy’s wife noticed his friendship and at first was unbothered… but then noticed him lighting up when he spoke about the gal, noticed his communication with that coworker go from just at work to online with social media, which he previously had disdained, to texting innocent at first pics, to making plans outside of work… and warned her husband of her discomfort with the friendship almost every step of the way.
Finding text logs from 2:30 a.m. and a mystery bra in their bedroom later only confirmed her suspicion.
If you’re barreling over or minimizing your spouse’s misgivings about a person, you’re essentially dismissing your spouse’s attention toward you, their care for your relationship and desire to protect it.
Ask yourself if you’re more protective of the relationship with your flirt than your spouse.
Hint: if you get defensive about the flirting, you’re in dangerous territory.
Know that affairs are destructive on so many levels. Not just to a loving spouse. But to everyone involved or on the periphery, to the relationships with children if you have them…and to their lifestyles.
Affairs might be revenge for your sense of loneliness in the marriage against your spouse, but they’re an immature way to manage those feelings, and they make you look untrustworthy at best, if not out of control.
If you’re feeling lonely in a marriage (this is if it’s otherwise generally good, not if it’s abusive, which it may have been in your case, Miss Lovely), then you owe it to yourself to explore your feelings around that, and deal with them appropriately. And you owe that level of respect to the friend you feel attracted to.
Because nobody else is responsible for managing your feelings. Not your spouse (not even if they’re crazy-making), and not a flirtation. You are using both if you believe this.
So get honest with yourself and find clarity.
If you get high off that minimal amount of contact like a flirtation, like an upward glance or inside joke, then you can easily fall into denial about the true intentions of that communication, like alcoholics or addicts don’t see the level of troubles they’re in u til it’s too late.
You might be deluding yourself for that high. You might be feasting on scraps of love, instead of stoking a healthy flame to prepare the nourishing meal.
It can be obvious to everyone around the lovers and they scoff at warnings because they “would never…” whatever.
They scoff at warning signals from others because it’d be too painful to admit those warnings and risk losing that flirt or having to take responsibility for their feelings.
If there’s a specific person you find yourself flirting with consistently, or find a flirtation happening repeatedly with… not just like an off joke once in a while - oops / the repetition itself of flirting with them should be a giant red flag, as big as an erection (presuming we’re all adults here, and that’s the biological term for it).
If you feel so juiced by your flirt that you seek more, it might be effecting you like a drug. Not worth an addiction. Stop while it’s still social.
If you have to tell yourself or anyone else that your repeated communication with a specific person is innocent, it probably isn’t. You might be wrong about the depth of your intentions.
Please consider checking them.
There’s a reason we don’t repeat flirtations with folks we’re not attracted to - because our brains don’t light up with dopamine when they smile specifically for us, for one of our jokes, one of our touches… but if a cute or hot person offers that, we go Googley eyed.
That’s what we should notice. But when we’re googley-eyed, we can’t see clearly how negatively continuing this relationship can, will, and often does impact the rest of our lives.
Your channel is one I watch hoping to understand the motivations behind affairs, and one I participate in as a warning to those at the flirt stages.
If you have a good spouse who loves you, stop.
Cut off the flirtation or that friendship.
Cold Turkey.
It’s not worth decimating a family.
It can become abusive if it’s not already. Stop it now before it does.
If you have a lousy spouse anyway, then stop for yourself.
For your own sense of dignity.
Be brave enough to end the marraige and face that pain, so you can recover from it and start flirting openly, without contributing to destruction or feeling the guilt and shame.
Because it doesn’t just risk destruction of a marriage. It risks destruction of your soul.
Jesus warns of deception. Deception as being a red flag warning of destruction to come on a large scale. But it’s equally as predictive on the micro level towards that end.
You have a soul and your soul seeks a return to union with divinity, and this attention you may get from a flirt can feel like at least a piece of that in the humanity of daily struggles, a beacon among the dull or mundane. That’s why it’s so attractive.
It mirrors the relationship we might really be needing, but it’s only an illusion, a mirror. Once embraced, feels flat, hard, and cold, or shatters and cuts, even though it looked from afar so warm and inviting.
If you have the “don’t break the glass of this special” feeling about a particular friend because it seems as innocent as it feels magic or comforting, then you might be living an illusion.
Don’t embarrass yourself being the last to know about it after the fact.
Honor your feelings of lonely enough to address them responsibly and respectfully before getting high off the zing or false comfort of flirtation. It’s an illusion that will lead you astray.
Your soul is worth the courage it takes to maintain. You are worth so much more than a side chick in God’s eyes. You are worth the world, worth His life. Honor that. Cherish yourself the way He would require a mate cherish you. You are worth it. You are more valuable than gold to Him.
As one betrayed I've found your videos both helpful and a little painful lol. I wish you had been around when my wife cheated on me. I really do.
I happy to have helped but I'm sorry you went through this, it's such a devastating time.
Feeling that way when you have kids and jobs, isn't justification. Have some self control, respect, morals, duty.
thank you very much Stacey
im learning a lot from your videos/'
God bless you
Welcome God bless you as well.
@@staceychenevert today My married boss she is now apart from her wife and now she want be with me why she warn others woman i"m hers and jealous and follow me ??.
I would say your affair partner was evil and sensed your vulnerability. Seeing as he waited for that vulnerability to present itself it sounds as if he was a predator looking for the right opportunity.
Yep, just wanted to sample the goods and he knows the right thing to say at the right time. Wife left me but her lover didn't leave his wife and family. Limerence is painful and destructive.
I like how cheaters are born again afterwards. Why not before?
Being born again does not mean you will never mess up again in your life. It also doesn't mean we lose our free will. God does not force his ways on anyone. As Christians, we have to learn how to not follow our desires and begin to follow God. When we are born again we become a new creation in christ but we have to learn how to live as a new creation and we also have to learn our core wounds which are the main causes of addiction and all unhealthy coping behavior.
Sometimes you can't change your partner. They could be set in their ways, after years of marriage, disinterested, or have a vice, ....
This is true but it's not an excuse to cheat. If we find ourselves in an affair it's important to look deeper inside ourselves and discover the real reason for the affair. If we cross our core value system then we have a core wound that needs to be healed, otherwise we will always be at risk to ahve another affair even with a different spouse.
@@staceychenevert last night I on my frist date with another woman the woman i was had affair with was there with her wife why she was keep eye on me not her wife ???.
any thoughts on 13th stepping?
Just do it keep it on the down low!!
It never stays on the down low and it's not worth the pain it cause everyone including yourself.
@@staceychenevert Yeah I've been researching affairs for some time now and there isn't one coach who has anything good to say about it.
He doesn't know me, we've never met. She deletes all messages, both of us have never told a soul about us, except, we spend time together at work. and we meet privately.
@HoneyboyDes most people once in the trap think it's the best thing ever and I'm not saying it's not pleasurable and you don't develope feelings for each other, what I'm saying is taking into consideration the path of a relationship chances are it won't always be like this and eventually you will hit the power struggle stage and find yourself in a pit of despair.
@@staceychenevert Thanks for your insight I am going to research the power struggle stage right from now so I can work through it knowledgeably.
@@HoneyboyDes welcome
Good morning, may I ask? How did you feel about yourself after the first time you had sex with your AP? If you felt horrible and that it was wrong. What made you go back for a second time, , ? I can understand why the first time happens, and I can understand why time number 3 up to 33 happens, cause you got away with it the first 2 times]. But what I can’t get my head around is why would you go back the second time if the first time your hated yourself afterwards?. Also. When it came to the first sex What did you say to yourself to justify. What you were about to do?
I had a ton of guilt before it the sex even happened. so having sex didn't add more guilt. Also, I didn't have to justify my decision to have sex I justified my decision to flirt, text, and then enter into a romantic relationship, the sex was just a part of it. I hope that makes sense.
@@staceychenevert thanks girl, .listening to you is helping me understand what was going through my husbands head when he was cheating on me,
@@micheledomin-jones4062 welcome
Honestly for the husband, it
becomes addictive & exciting.
I'd love to know the thought process of my husband justifying his actions as he came about finding someone online. Honestly I think he was done with our marriage a long time before that took place he just didn't want to leave me for good until he found someone else.
The fact is you just wanted it to happen subconsciously.
I disagree
How long did the affair last? How did u realize that u need to stop? Was the spouse aware of it?!
Seleha Ahmed Klan, hi, the affair lasted almost one year. I realized I needed to stop when it was becoming more painful to remain in the relationship. Yes, my spouse was aware of the affair. Hope that helps.
Stacey Chenevert Pray you and your husband is on the journey of recovery for him and you
@@antoinelyons5323 my husband and I are through recovery and are doing well. The affair was 10 years ago so we have been healed for a while now.
Stacey Chenevert that is so good to know how you become a coach
@@antoinelyons5323 Stacey looks like she is headed for a relapse!!!
The laughing and attitude is upsetting. Adultery hurts.
Absolutely adultery hurts but I am 12 years out and I want others who are struggling to see that they don't have to live their while life in shame and misery. God sets up free from the shame of our sin and when we repent he no longer remembers we had an affair and he still has a good plan for us. Basically we can come out of infidelity and find joy and happiness again.
@@staceychenevert I think many of the people out there who are so against affairs are not even on the radar, so they CAN'T have affairs. They should try walking in someone's shoes who has 9s and 10s gunning for them often. Not an excuse to have an affair, but just saying that it's easy to be so against adultery when a woman is 250 lbs. and drinks boxed wine as she cleans up after her cats.