The Social Climbing Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 22 дек 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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It's hard for an honest person who plays by the rules to succeed in life, when they have to deal with narcissists.
😮
It’s not true , it’s a excuse not to succeed
With all the knowledge and everything you need and don’t play by the rules to protect yourself and become successful and independent
I've found this pattern where it goes in waves. You do come across situations where you're dealing with self-serving people a lot of the time. However, it's worth playing by the rules, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because you're building something on solid foundations. The narcissists so often build houses of cards from flimsy values that eventually come tumbling down, as the video points out. The ends and means are inextricably linked, in the end. It's just a slower burning process and virtue has to be its own reward at times.
@@hasansarhan9296Bullshit, don't tell me it's an excuse. It's happened to me more than once. I was new to the company and I was doing a better job than their main installer, that was there for a while. He saw me as a threat and started to spread lies about the quality of my work. My ex psycho did the same crap to new girls, under her supervision because she felt threatened. She would complain that they weren't good enough, when they were probably just as good if not better.
Narcissists will dump and forget all about you, when they don't need any more favors.
Or they know you are onto them
Sometimes they act like they don't care about social status, but they sure don't like people who have higher status. And, I feel like it doesn't necessarily have to be social status, it could be anything that elevates another person. Narcissistic people are jealous by nature.
yes, they always evaluate people as to what they can do for them and what the narc get away with.
In some subcultures, being anti-status is the higher value and gains you status for speaking out against it.
Yes! It also happens in the reverse. If you become too successful the narcissist might drop you because they could perceive (jealousy) someone else’s accomplishments as something make them look less than, an ego injury.
This happened to my niece (luckily). He dropped out of college and couldn't stand that she was about to finish a professional masters degree and get a good job. He dumped her three weeks before their wedding and right after she had given up her apartment to move in with him. He wanted her to help pay the rent while he dated whomever he pleased!!
I knew that a married colleague who was being inappropriate with me in our grad program was a narcissist when I realized he was mean to the people considered less talented by the profs but full of flattery and other kinds of love bombing to those of us in stronger standing. The bad part, though, was that when I called him out on his behavior and took a step back from him he began seeking out the people closest to me and doing favors for them, so any hope for support was gone because of what a “nice guy” he “turned out to be.”
I liked this but I don’t. I just feel validated because this is something I went through
Yep. This happened to me. It hurts to be used by someone all because of what you can do for them, and then you are dumped in the trash once they spot the next rung on the ladder.
Once you fill your purpose, you don't exist to them.
@@michelleeven24 my therapist told me she sees the situation a lot, and the enablers feel very high school because the narcissist is charismatic in their own way, and the enablers want some of their "coolness."
K look
M mm m m poopoo k
*Every. single.* move they make and word they say is carefully planned. Wondering if they lash out so often at their victims because all this (unnecessary) mental work exhausts them.
I think largely it doesn’t, because their plan is an intrinsic motivation and not a logical set of decisions
I think it's their vile nature and hatred of the world and themselves that is so exhausting. And, of course, keeping the mask in place.
My ex who also slept around complained about an ulcer.i wonder why 😂
“If you are a fancy, shiny person…you are narcissism crack”. Love it!🤣👍
I am thankful that I am not always what or who a narcissist wants.
Same here
😂😂Same. My whole persona is a giant grey rock.
@@Hi-Phisame lol 😂
It's difficult to deal with a narcissist who is very cold hearted and destroys people and use them for social climbing or any other requirement
😮😮
It's very painful to be cruelly discarded for someone with higher social status than you. Its also painful when that person hides you but parades the higher status supply all over the world-
I have a 21 year-old son who is connected with some celebrities in the world of professional sports. Furthermore, he is making substantial progress with his business enterprise. His 45 year-old, narcissistic uncle (my ex-wife’s brother) is busy sucking up to my son for “a piece of the action”. Bear in mind that this uncle is wealthy and never assisted my son in any way. Fortunately, my son is very wise about the toxic ways of narcissists by ignoring his uncle’s neediness and craving for social status. My son can clearly see that his uncle is childish and pathetic.
I like your new look, Dr. Ramani!🥰 Narcissists play really carefully around high achievers or rich people. They laugh at every joke or be kind to them, while they are not even listening to the scapegoat. They also do triangulation to torture the scapegoat.
She looks good in warm colors.
🧠🧠🧠" ...Narcissistic people don't use the best of their frontal lobe..." 🧠🧠🧠. I sort of had this feeling... Just getting Doc Ramani's confirmation is a relief!!!
That line is epic! 🤩
@@Water_is_Sacred777 Very 😍
This perfectly describes my mother. She has sought status like a series of check boxes. She still does some of this now in her 80s. It never stops.
Exactly. Mine is dead now. At 91 she was still a complete N. And when she was near death, her N sister kept trying to draw me to her bedside so she could rage at me and get me to QUIT my job and move to their city. This had nothing to do with my mother. It was to take care of HER after my mother died. We had a super compassionate family friend coordinate care for her in her last days. The woman works with the deaf/blind. Think Helen Keller. Yet, she still managed to play the victim, telling her care givers that her children (she basically chased from the house) would be at her side if they only knew how sick she was. One of them confronted me with this...I said, "So she asked you to get me on the phone so she could tell me this?" No. Enough said.
The only time my mother acknowledges my existence is when I do something that makes her look good as a parent
Definitely explains my biological Father. And too many other "Family of Origin" members. It's ALL they care about. 💯💯💯🎯🎯🎯©️
Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pcs of silver.. after , Judas ran away and hung himself.
Unfortunately most of these narcs don't have enough empathy or conscience to do that.
Ever watch the last temptation of christ?
@@tfuenke no I haven't.
Okay, this explains so much.
Years ago, I met a governor who was pressing flesh downtown. He complimented my eyes, because I was wearing colored contacts that day. When I told my mom what happened, she decided that I "had her eyes", and so she went around telling anyone who would give her the time of day that the governor thought SHE had great eyes. It was ridiculous.
Well, that's really pathetic. And sickening.
Sounds like a scenario from a situation comedy.
Absolutely disgusting!! Your mother competes w you like me?
This story is too funny lol.
12:09 "narcissistic people don't always have the best frontal lobe" the way I laughed and rolled my eyes at that. It's absolutely true! My ex was HORRIBLE at covering his tracks. He had absolutely no self awareness that other people have eyes and brains to figure out what is going on. And then he complained about why his friends kept ghosting him.
I always hated the way he fawned at people he wanted to get close to. He viewed every possible friendship as a transaction. He would literally say out loud what he thought he could get from them. And then when he was trying to get into their good graces he looked like such a fool to me. He always reminded me of a used cars salesman.
I was 💀 at that one too. Made me think of people who brag how educated they are then they do dumb stuff that a child can see coming. Lol.
That is so funny. I also called my ex 'the used car salesman'. He would also be sycophantic around this one particular friend who had what he perceived as social currency. It was so embarrassing to watch.
My son is an engineer. My narc DIL put on her social media after they got married that she’s an “engineery wife” 🙄while telling my son “ you know your engineering degree is the easiest type to get.”
I wonder how many narcissists are in top tiers of MLMs (like Mary Kay for example) since they sell the illusion of independent wealth and status without ever having to actually sell the product/s.
Oh my word!! This is my mother-in-law!
She was best friends w the owner Mary Kay and they traveled together.
She drove the pink Cadillac and made good money w Mary Kay. But you never own the Cadillac so when you retire it’s taken away. My husband watched her circle around young girls as a hawk to prey. It disgusted him.
She is a full blown narcissist always name dropping. She has 20-30 photo books of just her at all of these Mary Kay events in gowns etc and all her trips. So full of herself!
She still is at 95 years old!!!
It is all about her!!
Terrible mother in law to me. She is my husband’s step mom .
I remember the first time I met her, she took me aside, looked me up and down and said, “ I know what he wants,” staring right at my breasts! 😮
I
Can’t
Stand
Her.
She is soooo fake and all smiles and so full of herself!!!
She has nothing now and lives in a trailer w her daughters who are so broken
I dodged a bullet with an ex BF. He was short and not terribly handsome His late wife was very tall and attractive. He gloated when friends would ask him “ what is she doing with you?” Totally into social climbing as a military officer. I was discarded fairly quickly as I was his height and had nothing to offer to elevate his status. Thank you, 🙏 as you put another piece of the puzzle together with this video!
You must have a lot to offer or he would not have been your bf! More likely, he could tell he wouldn't be able to trick you for long. He saw you as untrainable. (ex army wife) I am glad for you.
Similar to me-- very short, very slight man of average looks hoping to elevate his status. He knew he could never keep a high-value woman like me, yet I would impress his friends. What to do? Try to tear me down so I felt grateful to have him. Didn't work though- I just laughed at his histrionics and watched him burn LOL
His status and his stature...
This explains why my "new bestie's" first words were, "Yay, I finally have a pretty girlfriend". That was her claim to fame. Collecting people who made her look good. I'm now "No Contact". Bye bye!
I heard a self admitted narcissists say he would trade his girlfriend for a sports car, if the car made him look better. 🤔
My dad was so envious of mom’s side and my grandparents were very good to him but the beginning of the end was when he took the money they gave us to buy a new car (in the 80’s) he came home with a Nissan 280zx-a 2 door 2 seat sports car! There were 4 of us.
I just ended a relationship with a narcissist who wanted my father's house and land😢. It hurt to see that all I was good for was the things our family's things.
Good for you!!! So many men marry girls w daddy’s money just for the money!
Working in LA & Entertainment. I needed this 🖤
working in nashville in the music industry, and same 🤍
" I never trust a narcissist, but they love me " - T.S
Taylor should beware
My mom worked in a place where lots of celebrities came in. I heard about each one for years, literally. The name dropping was ridiculous.
Thanks Dr. Ramani.
We have been discarded from Church for losing spouse and no longer on that social status.
It hurts and need time to see through this. Very timely video where some of us are not invited for that Christmas party or something by so called family and friends during this season because of losing social status to death or Cancer or disability.
Well that is disgusting and that church is in direct rebellion against God's Word by their lack of hospitality. Sorry that they did this. There are true believers still out there that wouldn't dream of being so unkind. ❤
@@lastthingsministry
It is very sad. First Cancer, then death and now my younger son’s ASD. No one calls and if I accidentally see someone in a store, they pretend as if they did not notice me.
We used to be in so many Church activities from Choir, children’s ministry, worship team, fasting prayers, prayer for Nation team, homeless ministry, prison ministry……etc etc
They removed us from Church Membership twice. Initially I thought it might have been an error, then I realized it was intentional.
My entire life revolved around church. Well now taking baby steps to live without. Initially it was scary, but now it is getting better.
I recognized the traits described here big time growing up around these types of people (L.A. is notorious for what you describe). However it took me many years to learn how to actually avoid them.
When I was raising my children as a single parent, I had to tolerate narc bosses and coworkers for the sake of my kids but now that I am retired, if there is one bothersome narc at a hobby place or event etc. I grey rock and/or avoid. My last hobby situation was fun and I loved it but I walked away with zero remorse. Their resident narc was that bad.
My life is much more peaceful now. I am so in tune I can identify one by just a few words with them, or sometimes just feeling their energy. That's when I RUN. This channel has a lot to do with my healing from trauma. Great content as always Dr.❤
I visited Santa Barbara once, and I swear - every person I came across had some dark triad stuff going on
In other words, if you're popular, crazy, rich, or good-looking, you are a narcissist or being pursued by a narcissist...
I have a narc sister who married a “criminally handsome” man who came from a high status/wealthy family of origin. Everything about her marriage to this person was superficial and shallow. She discarded all of us like yesterday’s trash and endlessly rubbed everything about her relationship (including explicit details about their sex life) in our faces. I couldn’t help but laugh when I heard a few years later that her joke of a marriage totally blew up in her face. You can also bet that the hoovering was STRONG (and worked for a while) the whole time she was going through her divorce, nearly breaking my own marriage apart because she was jealous.
"Criminally handsome" sort of like John Gotti...
Love sent to you Dr. Ramani you are my hero! I found your channel Dec 2018 right when I filed for divorce from a narcissist. You saved me with your knowledge and love. I’m grateful and thankful for your passion to help us good people who got conned. Everyone of your videos is gold. Gold nuggets of truth. Everything you talk about I can vouch for and I’ve experienced. It’s great to have confirmation!!!! I’m not crazy, it was them! Thank you. Happy Holidays. 😊
You are lucky to have these videos, I didn’t discover them till I had been divorced 20 years from a grandiose narc I was completely confused by.
me too 20 years!
This describes my brother and his wife 10000%!! It hurts a lot when they trade you in for a for someone who they perceive is better than you. And I was family 😢..
Yep going through this now with my sister. Her new family must be an 'upgrade' from ours. Feels like a death ...
I knew a social climbing narcissist in grad school. She was a serious people user. Nothing was more important to her than rubbing elbows and schmoozing with the best people, all while she stepped on and backstabbed others on the way up.
She was from another country and used me personally to help she and her young son settle in the state. I helped her in so any ways, and she said she wanted to be friends. True, until she got the resources she wanted, and then she ghosted me.
Suddenly, I didn't matter.
There's ambition in grad school.
And then there's stepping on toes, manipulation of others, making "private time" with married professors/ department chairs, fawning and drooling over people in higher positions, stealing colleagues ideas (like what she did to me!!!) so that she could get published....
She's a piece of work.
People don't matter.
She and ONLY she matters.
Where does multi level marketing fit in? Every person I've ever met who is into MLM's has appeared to be narcissistic.
Not being about the connection is the most painful and confusing part for someone whose brain doesn't work that way.
I'm on disability, which means I really don't get a lot of money. One of my narcissistic siblings would accept me with open arms ONLY IF I would pay them what THEY THINK I owe them. I tried to clear this matter up with them, but they said NO three times to the THREE olive branches I had offered them. So what am I supposed to do? The amount was actually double what I had originally owed that person. As soon as they realized I WASN'T BLUFFING that's when they dropped me like a hot potato.
My red flag is when everything feels like a perfect press release and they only speak in sound bites.
😻😻😊
Yes but how do we navigate all this? Every social circle seems to be full of these people. How do we find reciprocal decent connections? Most people seem to be on some sort of climb. There is after all a competition for resources…
People who succeed do compete, & if you don’t compete, then you’ve already lost!
I never thought like that - I spent my life being helpful and cooperative ..thinking that that would result in a positive environment, but all that happened really was - I got left behind.
All my helpfulness, just assisted others in getting what they wanted. They took it and ran.. and I see no negative consequences for them.
Rather - I’m the one who has been fooled, discouraged from being competitive, encouraged to be kind helpful etc.. I’ve ended up with poor finances and out on some strange social limb, like I never got the memo that there was a competition on & no one was going to be helping me get a house, promotions, pensions. Crazy! Being generous is completely nuts, if you are doing it before you have secured your own safety.
Don't compromise. A beautiful soul lasts forever. Live your life for the Lord Jesus Christ, for the authentic, for the deep and genuinely beautiful, great literature, music, art.
If you must live it alone - I do - you can survive if your values are right.
They will also start a new relationship seemingly immediately... because they started fishing before you were discarded...
i've known many people as young as 10-11, who were checking the name and social status of our colleagues' families before approaching them. They call this "ambition" in my country!
Sadly, this happened to me. The guy with NPD I was in love with abused me behind closed doors and acted embarassed of me. He is now getting married to the richest most popular girl in his community. A girl from a multi-millionaire old money family. He doesn't really have much of a job and is a narcissistic psychopath. They look so in love - I can't imagine him ever devaluing and discarding her - She is too perfect.
All true. He was a small-time politician who got trounced at re-election, looking to regain some status. I had the good looks, and the right address. I realized early on what he was, and when he dumped me for being non-compliant, I just laughed as I rode into the sunset.
These are literally the most cringe kind . My first husband’s dad was this kind of narc. I remember seeing right through him as a teenager before I knew what a narcissist was.
A short story-Years ago @ my nephew's christening we all turned out. Normal folk, dressed nicely. Then there was my brother's "wealthy" friend who looked like she just walked out of a Talbot's catalogue. My narc sister clung to her side the entire day--even though she had never met her before. I stood out as so glaring, so obviously dysfunctional. I never forgot it.
Sounds like the behavior of an adolescent trying to cling to the popular girl during lunch hours
Hi Dr Ramani and everyone! Also, Happy Holidays 🎄🎄 My ex narc was a FANTASTIC Actor. He could talk his way into anything , and make himself look like he has charm and brains. What a fake! He FUTURE FAKED me with an engagement ring. The night I left him was the happiest night of my life. He did go to High Class Lounges, Bars, etc, met a very RICH woman and he married her in 2 weeks. He married her Bank Account.
Love bombs are disgusting and creep me out. I immediately see that as a non-person.
Could you do a video on how to deal with narcissists as an autistic person? The social processing issues can make it difficult.
I just got out of a relationship with a guy with autism who also displays narcissistic behavior too.
It really made me confused. I kept on taking abuse for two and a half years as I kept on attributing his bad behavior to social ignorance. I got suspicious when I realized he is in control of his toxic behavior and that he is mr jekyll with others and Mr Hyde in private with me. In the end he hit me with his orthodic shoe and left a bruise that lasted two months. While I was with him he would punch holes in the wall and break stuff in rages and it was my job to fix stuff so nobody found out about it. The thing is he knew he was wrong and never did this in front of his parents or anyone else. When I would ask him to stop screaming less than a foot away from me I was called "too sensitive" and when I told him I'd like him to say please and thank you when I bring him what he wants rather than violently snatch it out of my hands I was accused of being an "overdemanding perfectionist" who is never pleased in the relationship. To make matters worse his mother is an enabling alcoholic. When I told her how he pounded his steering wheel so hard in a rage that it got damaged she was dismissive and continued to act as if I was making a big deal out of nothing. She was more concerned as to whether or not the man from the garage working on the car could prove her son broke the steering wheel with his fists (I guess she was afraid I could expose her son if someone else asked).
Sadly most professionals don't study or understand how a person with autism and narcissism will behave. Rather they will try to point out that autism and narcissism are not the same thing. I understand that the general public should be careful not to confuse the two but at the same time we must all recognize that autism can co occure with narcicicism and the general public should be taught how to tell the difference. Otherwise more people will get stuck in long term relationships where they enable narcissism because they are trying to be understanding and loving towards someone who is different. Worst of all I'm starting to see people with narcicicism using mental health diagnosis like autism and adhd as an excuse to treat others like dirt. Yes! We need to educate people to not fall into this trap. No difference should ever give one human being the right to abuse another.
That would be awesome! Thanks for the suggestion. ❤
I just got out of a relationship with a guy who is narcissistic and autistic. He was violent and out of control. I excused all of the violence as social ignorance. However on another level I was a sitting duck as I also have a light touch of autism and had no idea how to react to this. I'm not sure if your post to dr Ramani means that you feel that we need to be taught to distinguish between autism and narcissism or if you mean that people with autism need better tools to protect themselves from narcissistic people trying to hurt them but I would agree with you on both counts. People whose social skills are lacking ( like me) are very fragile in the face of the mind games being played on us. When my ex hit me I excused him at first because I thought maybe I did something wrong socially that made him mad enough to hit me. I never could figure out what I did to deserve getting hit as all I was doing was laughing and trying to show my boyfriend a few comic strips that came up on my phone. I thought it would make him happy. I also thought that him screaming and breaking things in front of me wasn't abusive behavior as most of the time it wasn't my stuff he was breaking. I also thought that you had to be fighting for abuse to happen but I wasn't fighting with him when most of these things happened. I would be sitting there and he'd storm into the room shreiking that he was having a bad day again and that he hates life and that life is great for others and unfair to him as he never gets what he wants. Then he'd get in front of me and yell while waving his fists . Often around this point he would break something. If I begged him to stop I was called hypersensitive and if I tried to reassure him that life would get better I was told that my attempt to make him feel better was insulting as it made him feel that I was suggesting that he was a sick man who needed cheering up. If I said nothing and just sat there I was accused of being too cold and emotionally abandoning him. No matter what I did I was painted as evil and sick! I think my autism made me second guess myself and start to really believe that I was sick for not finding the solution to make my boyfriend happy. I would clean his house and try everything to make life perfect and stress free and he would still find stuff to get mad over. If his house was perfect then he'd yell that his work colleague was cruel. If work and his house were perfect then he'd yell about how mean his mom is for "loving his brother more than him" If the house, work, and family life was going well then he'd yell because his doctor scheduled his appointment at an inconvenient time. If that wasn't a problem he'd lose it because he has to fill his car with gas or go shopping for food. Nothing makes this guy happy and nothing I did was ever good enough! It's still hard for me to accept that I couldn't fix things. I tried soooo hard!
@@sallyfrost5002 Autistic folks can be highly intuitive and empathic. Narcissists purposely pick empaths because of their empathy. They manipulate it. Since the narc has no empathy they vampire off the empath with no worries that they may be harming them. If the partner is autistic, it can trigger their behaviors. Also, autistic individuals can sometimes be miscast as narcissists because their autism can mimic narc traits. And yes a person can be narc AND autistic. I have seen it in my career and it is scary. I would follow Dr. Ramani’s work. She is epic! Also there are great channels on YT about all of this. Good luck!❤️
It seams they never run out of persons to use for trianulating their victims.
Perfect description of what I witnessed w my daughter in law! Dumped her fiancé 3 months before her wedding for my son!!!! Dumped her less than family - like they didn’t exist. Her old friends too! I saw it- but didn’t know what it was!!!! 😮
Be glad
How is your son doing now?
@@yuu_miran not good- hates me and we were always close.....totally sold out to his very very very sweet and innocent wife. My grandkids lost me too! VERY SAD and way more comman than I ever knew!!!! too many people don't know about this at all!!! Thank God for these people on RUclips!
@@1948rambo you can only pray for him and your grandkids, that someday their eyes will open.
@@yuu_miran not great- He's totally bought in!
I saw social climbing in my former hospital ( NHS). The guy was good looking, very intelligent and hard working ( up to here ok). He got well with the staff. Perfect. He got the degree he needed and went up the ladder. He reached the level when he had to apply for higher level post, very limited in the department and a few other applicants with much longer experience than his applying too. His sophisticated solution was to get involved with his immediate line manager and become closer to the consultant lead. Both would be part of the interview panel. The rest you can imagine. The guy got the job. A few years later, he got envolved with the physicist who would also be in the Interview. He got it. A few of his colleagues had seen him with the two women outside work and knew the strategy. Reporting it to HR was useless as usual. They are total negligents. They always support the perpetrators and victimice the victims, it’s much easier to deal with. The problem is that the lack of honesty and Loss of values is not free of charge. The deterioration of the institution over the years is painful to witness.
I laughed my ass off when you said they "don't have the best frontal lobes". I am still waiting for my ex partner to "thud" from the social climbing ladder they climbed to a person of higher social status than me. Mind you I left them, but it didn't take them long to find someone knew. It's been twenty years or more and they are still with the same person after I left them. I didn't think the relationship would work, and neither did a bunch of other people. It's a head scratcher for sure.
After ending a 20 year relationship with a narcissistic husband I ended up in a job with a narcissistic boss. I realized that every person in the team had experience either with a narc parent and or narc partner. It was like a collection of victims of narcissistic abuse. I’m leaving, but all of those wonderful persons stay behind. How can we unlearn to tolerate narcissistic behavior?
A relationship with a narcissist is as deep as a shallow puddle of water on a sidewalk. I knew a narcissist who was an acquaintance and because I wouldn’t allow him success to my social ladder he stopped talking to me-so glad he’s not in my life.
Really you are a social support. As for me and othe who are going through the egg-shelled paths.
Narcissist are superficial.
So much of what you just said brought flash backs to my childhood. 4th grade is forever etched in my mind. Without warning or discussion I was dumped at a new "upscale school with a "Million Dollar Dad's Club". I had been happy at my old school though I was going through the normal ups and downs as a friend I valued had found a new bestie, but I got a lot of praise from teachers for being brilliant in math and there was a little boy I had a crush on. My mother had convinced a casual friend from the old school to make the move as well. She stood crying next to her mother on that first day. I should have been crying to because no one welcomed us or showed any interest in us. Her mother took her home and I never saw her again.
It didn't take long to find out why I had been moved. My mother via her many social clubs, was trying to bond with the wife of the man who owned a major shopping center and her daughter went to the school. The daughter had all the makings of an N adult, entitled, mean, and very picky about who she talked too. I was told one morning that I was to go home with her for an after school play date. I had yet to make friends with anyone and was further humiliated by being unable to do the "new math" all my classmates knew. They had laughed at me when I went to the board, causing me to shut down even further. I had gone from being a normal kid to a complete loaner. Not only did I not have friends at school, but my mother had moved us to an older established neighborhood with no children. So I was alone at home as well.
That day the girl didn't approach or speak to me. After school she stood waiting for her chauffeur, surrounded by her "in crowd". At a time before cell phones I had no way to call my mother, nor would she have done more than argue I needed to "introduce" myself. I forced myself to approach the girl and told her my mother had arranged for me to go home with her. She replied that she didn't want me to go home with her. I told her I had no choice. So I was allowed to climb into the car that held her and her many siblings. They didn't even inquire who I was. We went to her mansion and played her favorite board game until my mother came. Thankfully, there were no more play dates with her, but I never fit in with the other girls whose had known each other since birth and after that year I hated math and had fallen behind, never to recover. My one social ace was gone.
We moved to a new city when I started 5th grade. It was a small town with a different culture. I hid in the gym at recess aimlessly throwing baskets to pass the time. Another girl hid there too. She seemed very strange and while I felt overwhelmed by people, she only wanted to mechanically play with her stack of baseball cards. They were her whole world and she never expressed any feelings at all. Looking back I think she was moderately autistic. I was nice to her, but she was not emotionally available and I hated baseball. We just occupied the same safe space.
With less to occupy her socially, my mother finally noticed that I had no friends. This wasn't about my emotional health. It just didn't look good. So now we were going to do "normal" in the usual abnormal way, another forced play date. She somehow found out that I was "hanging out" with someone in the gym and arranged a sleep over at her house. I still remember the girls anxious mom, glad to have someone befriend her daughter. At the same time the girl was profoundly uncomfortable with having me in her space. She was also ashamed to change into her night clothes with me in the room. I felt the weight of her mother's expectations, along with the girl's dull fixed gaze wanting me gone. i felt a combination of sadness and guilt for not somehow salvaging the situation. I was supposed to be the savior here. Added to this was the fact that I was now seen as the weird girls new friend at school, making it even more unlikely that any normal child would attempt to befriend me. And they didn't. At 10 I was a lonely failed savior with no one to turn too who wouldn't toss me into another untenable situation.
@@brijac04 I shared a memory so anyone who lived through something similar might feel less alone. It is not a lifestyle and you don't know me. I would be more careful about what you say to people on this board. Many are still hurting and don't need to be told "they should act like an adult"...or stop having a "pity party."
My God, I have never felt so understood as by Dr Ramani
You’re on a roll and stoked to read your book ✌🏾. Narcs/cheaters are just babies who need a new teet. That’s how I see them now. Nothing cool or alluring or interesting about it in my eyes. Although, I can empathize as a former co-dependent - I can see how trauma and relentless insecurity lead to this personality style. I’ll never be jealous of the image/romance of people I’d never want to fully be. I’m chillin and loving every day again. I hope she finds the inner fulfillment every person deserves. It sucks, the ideas in our minds that keep us from love.
Happy holidays to you and your team. Thanks for an impressive year educating in empathic fashion that has been a rewarding and helpful experience to me.
Thank you! So damaging spending energy on validation seeking. I distinctly remember my family members who have NPD traits stating totally opposite things to please different people in back to back settings! Frightening!
ugh this was my experience tonight during Christmas Eve around my sociopathic aunts
Great video!! I am from LA born & raised. Let me tell you the amount of the people who are narcissistic social climbers is absolutely disgusting 😭😭
I met a remote cousin for the first time who had a degree in business and was quite successful in his career. He told me he just bought a vineyard in Argentina, and was renovating a house on the property to become a bed and breakfast. I told this to my niece, who said, "Oooohh! ... better keep him in your address book!" This niece, 20 years later, is one of the most opportunistic "users" you could ever meet!
it's crazy how much my life has been affected by narcissism, I can't wait to break free and not live with them. thank you
They always fall, can not keep it up. Don't worry ;) When you move on, you start to see it fall apart slowly but surely.
I love how Dr. Ramani always manages to sprinkle in comedy gold throughout all her educational value for us !
This was the best episode you ever made dr....
Guess what?
The social image came crashing down from the sky and I'm watching it burn...
Getting calls txt now... Let me talk to the kids....
I'v lost all attraction....
I feel bad but it's better than feeling sad...
Thank you for being you Dr....
I truly love you .
🎄Merry Christmas, Dr. Ramani and family! 🎄❤️
She called me her best friend so quickly... and I just ran with it because I really liked her as a person
This is so spot on! Effective and accurate representation of NPD symptoms.
You are a life saver Dr! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 🎆 Thanks for your wisdom 🙏🏻
Dr Ramani, You look marvelous and healthy! The set and the colors, so light and joyful~and that lilac chair, love it all!! Thanks for this video. My Ex of 31 years tried to get engaged to an old college acquaintance 6 months after we divorced. This would really elevate his status. She had become a senior executive, next to the CEO in the company, never married and a very high net worth individual. He worked extremely hard to win her. She put him off for 6 years!! They finally had an elaborate $100K wedding. We lived like peasants all our married life. Narcs always find ways to get what they want!!
Has anyone ever noticed a narcissist’s language around someone-likely a parent or spouse-being a good “provider”?
I’ve heard a couple people I suspect have NPD use this terminology a lot. Yet, I’ve never heard a “regular” person describe a spouse or parent that way, so I was wondering if anyone else had noticed that.
Thank you dr Ramani ❤ I really needed to hear it today. Let the narcisists go their merry ways and never come back. Let them be fine and successful but far away from me 😊 God bless you❤
Nice transition to the book at the end.
I got lucky on this front. My narc was an EMT at the time (I still am), and he wanted so badly to be trained by a well-known preceptor. She had him on her truck for one day and had him figured out, but decided to give him some grace. She worked with him a second day, and after that, told the scheduling supervisor that she would NEVER work with him again. He never knew she made that decision and held out "hope" that he could get back on with her
It came as a bit of a shock to him when she took me under her wing and decided to train me, when I started at that service a few months later. I expected jealousy, and honestly passive-aggression and flares of rage about how much better than him I must think I was. Strangely, those things never came, and instead, he tried to use me to get close to her. She saw through those attempts... and she was one of the very few people I actually trusted at that time. After I realized what was happening and was able to leave safely, she was instrumental in helping me get out, and remains one of my dearest friends to this day, 6 years later
Sometimes the magic works
instantly thought of my relative, who loves to brag about how they “just had a conversation” with some “respectable” person regarding their “new huge business launch” (they’re basically broke), or tell all new people how their father was “this” and what status they had back then, even though it looks cringe as hell and doesn’t fit the conversation.
thank you for the video and happy holidays!
This is so spot on. My ex close friend was a social climbing narcissist. She used to endure bad treatment from high status rich good looking people - even to the point of drinking urine. But would be mean and rude to people she thought were below her.
Great looking glasses. 😊
Another ploy they try is when someone they latched on to to social climb, smartened up and rejects them, they decide to attach to the person’s family and even try to outcast the person from their own family. The family of course, are too enabl-y to withstand the narcissist’s “charms”.
You can’t get rid of them because they hold you hostage forcing you to silence because they have managed to gets too many of your secrets and thus hold the threat of reputation-destruction over your head if you say anything to the family about them.
100% Dr Romani. The stories I could tell!!!
Happy Christmas Dr Ramani and everyone ❤
Happy X Mas Maria 😊
I wonder if you've ever met a narcissist in your career whose been able to heal and change and feel love and empathy.
I think of your question every single day!!
@fabianamatano2512
Hmm, yes same here Fabiana.💜
@fabianamatano2512
You sure are a beautiful woman
@@JacobCarlson-uq1my Tks 😘. You're also a beautiful guy. When we use all of our empathy by hoping that our narc gets over themselves, we act beautifully. And some of the times we wish their healing process even when we are still hurt ( by themselves), don't we? It's painful, though...
@fabianamatano2512
Thank you, hmm.
Yes ,absolutely ,I agree.
You put that in an extraordinarly lovely way. This internet /comment thing is new to me,& I was a little nervous at first, so it's such a great feeling to run into kind, heartfelt humans. ❤️🎄
Thank you so much !! With long love from India, Kerala ❤❤
You just described my dad to the bone. He hated his humble beginnings. He always bitched about his rich classmates in college who were gifted by their parents cars and expensive stuff while he need to juggle 3 jobs to support himself since my grandparents cannot afford the tuition. He also intentionally forgot where he came from; he likes to complain why poor people can't just work hard to better themselves. He has an unhealthy fascination for the lifestyle of the wealthy. Every line in this video just described him, which helped me go further in my healing process.
Thank you Dr Ramani for the work that you do ❤
Add to that how he used my mother to "climb" upwards. She is a doctor, a daughter of an upper middle class man who was a close associate of a politician. He used my mom for his own ambition and took advantage of her naivety and empathy.
Sorry for the long post. I need to let it all out. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help someone heal. Sending love and light ❤
this is my mom. not me. i do like some fancy things but very few. social status is irrelevant to me for the most part but meant everything to her.
It’s all about things !!! Your house your car your job .. makes me sick . It’s idolatry too
This is the best most important video on Narcissism yet
The higher they walk, the harder they fall
Best case scenario, they'll die alone and miserable having developed no real connection through their lives
I've met a lot of people like this. They always dropped me when I either got ill or was no longer useful to them in some way.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Happy Holidays!
I wish you were my therapist
Dr Ramani. It's been impossible to find one as cool, knowledgeable, and understanding as you. You just get it
The narcissist I knew married another narcissist who was aesthetically displeasing to them because they believed it would make them look non-shallow. They also benefited financially.
Thank you so much for the education in Narcissism. It has been eye opening and defining.
This is often how male gold digging gets to fly under the radar. Actors do it a lot: They hitch to a more successful actress, often baby trap her to raise his "legacy", shes now stepped back from fame to be mom, he then trades for another famous woman who's still in limelight. Ye olde "marry the king/CEO/industrialist's daughter" is an example too.
Thank you! This was such a good video. I now see how I am a magnet for narcissistic people.
I have just distanced myself from another male… narcissist. The big red flag early was be told me how’s he’s best friends with all of his ex-girlfriends. He fully expected me to say - oh wow you’re so awesome . That’s really cool of you ! When it was immediately obvious he was getting them to compete with each other for his attention.. adore him and compare notes … but most of all to gaslight his current girlfriend and tell her she was being petty and jealous if he was flirting and hanging out with one of his exes . How I kept my lunch down when he told me that is a miracle 🤮
Narcissistic ppl have it so good
So, so true!
If you have ever been asked "Why do you let people take advantage of you?"
The correct answer is:
"You are asking the wrong question. Ask rather why do people take advantage of others so often, so knowingly, so entitledly, and why is this so expected, accepted, required and valued by so much of society?"
Shifting the fault from the advantage takers to those taken advantage of, is such an obvious fallacy to anyone who can think. Yet it seems that thinking is not necessary if others can do that for you. No one is as blind as he that refuses to see.
Merry Christmas to all.
I pray peace love hope joy and health find you all and are accepted as blessings, not entitlements; and received with humility, not used but cherished, nurtured, and shared.
I hope you have the best season and all things positive..... saving us day after day.... thank you....
This 💯 explains my last horrific dating experience that was so hurtful damaging and confusing. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ I hope you enjoy the holidays 🎄❤
My narc sis still has contact with my former 'stepfather' (he and mom were never married) who 13 years ago screwed over my mother by hooking up with a woman with higher status. He only got there by standing on mom's shoulders. So this ruptured their 40+ year old friend group. Since he never took responsibility for that action, he is dead to me.
A status seeker keeping another status seeker company. It's pathetic. Now she wants to see me and mom for christmas.
Often the narcissist will eventually screw over the next person because they are always looking for greener grass -
The guy I was in love with and abused by cruelly tossed me aside for a girl like Jackie Kennedy, from a multi-millionaire prominent old money family... she is also the most popular girl in town. He proposed. He def meets full criteria for NPD... I just wonder if he will ever discard her one day too. I doubt it. She's too perfect. He also hooked up with a guy once - not sure what that was about.