WATCH OUT for the insidious communal narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 22 ноя 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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Some of these narcs don’t know they are narcs precisely because they are. They genuinely believe they are good people
I think that even the narcs who are not sure if they are narcs know deep down inside that their behaviors are not okay and are destructive. The thing with narcissists is that they are very effective at being able to compartmentalize. They push everyone else’s wrong doings to the front of their head and their own wrong doings to the back of their head. Even the some narcissists who you are referring to still know deep in their bones that what they are doing on a regular basis is wrong. They have just been able to convince their self at surface level that it’s not or that it’s justified
I know one like that. Absolutely. They’re not high profile either.
My neighbor is like that.
I don’t get how they don’t know
@meredithyoung9200 they are incapable of self-reflection.
I have met so many communal narcissists in animal rescue. Horrible animal collectors under the umbrella of holistic animal rescue neglecting them, playing god, not calling the vet when needed. I rescued a horse from such a person. The crazy sh#@! I had to endure to get him out. 🙈 They even sued me after his death, wanting 1000€ because I didn't call them immediately when he died, but called the vet who decided to put him to sleep. The years he had spent there mal nourishmed just didn't go by without harm. He had a good 1,5 with me. 🌞 My best buddy. ❤🌈🙏🏼
Some vegans are like this. I know of one who caused her dog to be put down because she refused to feed him proper food and he became ill. She (for a time) was in a relationship with a friend of my partner's so she could get money out of him and she mistreated her children too. My partner's friend had a nervous break down (there were many other things that happened to him before she came along, like his father dying and witnessing a murder) but she was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. For a time, she dumped the dog and cat on him and they thrived under his care but she eventually forced him to hand them back and it was after this that the poor dog was put down - I believe she did it partly to spite him because he really got attached to the animals and he's not really recovered. I hope the authorities caught up with her as she owed a lot of money to the council and I was always worried about her son as he had a disability and she'd been keeping him out of school.
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Was said about a communal narcissist.
You should see the twin flame shit on quora.
Except their intentions were not good
I had a manager who portrayed that she is super religious. Taking time out to help poor, needy, and giving life lessons to the lost. She used to take a lot of pictures too! She was studying religion on the side. She made the work environment soooo toxic by gossiping, making team members constantly fight, cause misunderstandings, and then she would solve those problems, thereby becoming workplace savior.
I've come to find that the so called "religious" people are the worst.
In church every Sunday and always quoting the Bible but acting like devils every day.
I worked with a woman like that, one day she saw I was listening to "Lamb of God", its a metal band. She said, " I didn't know yuou were a Christian too...." she was so nice to me after that!
@@greatgownsbeautifulgowns Why I quit going.
@@greatgownsbeautifulgowns Thank you! I always tell people there is a difference. I am still a Christian but I am no longer a "church girl".
What’s that saying, going to church makes you a Christian just like going into a garage makes you a car…
My mother was like that. At one point we had 50 cats in our house. But I was the one cleaning and feeding them... people used to say how good she was. But she was always angry at me , very controlling , calling me lazy for not helping her enough, calling me selfish for going to university. Then when we had around 20 cats, she decided ro rescue dogs too. When she died I was working abroad. At that time she had 3 dogs and 6 cats. They were all old already. I ended up losing my job to come home and sort the situation. Her neighbours looked at me as I was a mean daughter who left an old mother at home with her pets. She was an active 69 yo, playing the victim, but had a heart attack and died suddenly. The other day I heard from a therapist that I am a very negative person and that I attracted all the bad situation with my mother and all the other issues related to narcisism. Thank you so much for this vídeo!! This is like a precious gift for me.
Hope you get a different therapist.
@@sh6460 Yeah, I got another one already.
Same. But she's still alive and only has two dogs thank Allah (there were four last year). I'm so sorry you had to go through that. 💜
I am so sorry you were put through that crap. 😢 I tell you, people are so judgemental when it comes to daughters and their mothers when they have no clue what is really going on! I've been in the same boat. F those ignoramuses! 😂🤬
I can relate. I feel its super frustrating being the child of a communal narcissist. I makes your life harder depending on their reach. Going to your hometown can be a nightmare.
Interestingly, Jesus specifically spoke against this, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
It also feels like a personal fault or being duped when we find out that the person we admired, worked for, and defended was abusive.
Like we were somehow supposed to know what was happening to us and been psychic enough to understand their intentions
ANYONE can be tricked. You're not stupid YOU ARE TRICKED by an arse hat
I was blocked by the conditioning. It takes healing to not act as they planned for me to act.
@@michignamymichigan 🤔
What’s the lesson to learn there?
Growing up in church, I’ve witnessed the communal narcissist at their finest or worst! Passive aggressively clawing at each other for various ministry positions within the church from the welcoming committee, reading off the program announcements, vacation bible school to the usher board.
The church ones have a lot of thinly veiled bile. Their standing gives the the almost ultimate standing, they love their ceremonies but never see people as an individual. There are lots of good people in churches but often the pastors are the ones who need the attention the most.
If I wanted something, like money, from my dad, I would have to ask when he is in a group of people to get it.
Smart girl! 😊
And then you get accused later of being manipulative
@@Calibri57 because that is manipulation
Smart! 🧠❤️Good for you. There was no asking for money. We just waited... Because we already knew better. The answer was not only no. Gaslight
Learned Behavior born out of necessity? Or...
I remember doing that when asking to go out to play/free time.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Thank you for this very thought-provoking video dr Ramani.
Exactly. That quote by Maya Angelou is my favorite mantra 🙏
I just cut off all ties with a “spiritually superior” communal narcissist after watching this video, and it’s such a relief! No more controlling, belittling, manipulation, gaslighting or having to hear about who she knows and all the accolades and awards. Thank you, Dr Ramani for giving me the tools and courage!
Compassion starts at home, beautifully said.
My now ex-husband paid my friend's vet bill. He works for an appliance company, and when I fled from him and the abuse, he found me. He donated a washer and dryer to the women's center that was helping me!
Yes. I have seen this many times.
I'm so sorry. Moments like this are soul crushing. I remember moments like this would make me worry that people would side with my attacker and I wouldn't be able to escape.
Wow! That sounds like something mine would do.
@@AngelsHikari those people need to go to hell
This is my mom. She’s always ‘doing so much for others’ but needs a lot of constant validation for it all. Then when she’s stressed or I need some emotional support she takes it out on me when no one’s around and she can be mind bogglingly mean. She’s great at buying gifts for people, not so great about being kind and emotionally safe for me. It’s not ok. It breaks my heart that I struggle with my relationship with my mom so much. So tired of it all. Facing towards the light as best I can. ❤
I have experienced this same scenariofrom my mother as well. My advice to you.... BOUNDARIES. I have had to place a Boundary in front of my mother's bad behavior, to protect me- my home- my children from her toxic behavior. Stay strong, BOUNDARIES will save your sanity. IT is not you... IT is your mother's behavior that has caused the 'Appropriate Boundary ' before her 'behavior'. Stay safe... be Well friend.
I know what it’s like to love your mom and yet realize that she is not able to nurture you. I’ve learned to be more of the parent in that role, giving her exactly what I need and ignoring what she won’t give me. I say to myself, “well that’s just Mom.” If you plan to have a relationship with her as she gets older then master these skills now. My Mom just got meaner with age. I also talked my Mom into taking Paxil, and that helped a lot!
No doubt the presents are meant to keep you indebted to her. Very familiar pattern.
@@joannageorge7305 I have a complex about "gifts" because of all the manipulation and strings attached.
@@publicserviceannouncement4777absolutely! I am sus of anyone who is overtly generous. Even family
It is crazy when they splash money around, while they leave their own children barely getting by and basic needs aren't consistent, if provided at all.
tell me about it
My husband made a big donation to a charity but can’t be bothered to order food for us when he gets C0V!D at the same time I have joint replacement surgery. Or, he spends $2500 on an injured kitten that probably should have been euthanized but won’t take our cats to the vet when they show a symptom that needs to be addressed.
Both my parents
They splash the money on them by eating good food while their children eat noodles and they do their nails and shopping clothes
My neighbor is a communal narcissist. Took me 12 years to finally end the friendship as I was tired of the verbal abuse. She was really good at hiding what she was…she could be the nicest, kindest, most generous and giving person you could ever meet. She certainly had me fooled…until I saw her ugly side. And believe me, it was pretty ugly. After our last fall out in 2020, I was done. She’s tried to hoover me back in but I won’t have it. This was a tough lesson but I’ve finally learned to set up my boundaries.
If you're the child of a communal narcissist, you may be expected to play along with your parent's community service and be publicly visible at volunteer events and participate even if you don't want to or participation of a child is inappropriate. And you're expected to do it with a smile and while looking good. And while you're there, your parent will talk loudly about how important your service is, and behind closed doors you'll hear their negative opinion of both you and of the people they're supposed to serve and the perceived lack of appreciation from others.
Its all true. The woman with all the friends who dont drive. She drives the group talking about herself and her family all the way. No one else matters. In between attempts to have a conversation one...the lowest in the pecking order gets verbally affronted...treated as stupid. The smart people play the game right and remain silent before the egotist. After all they need the driver. This Do Gooder as you say Dr Ramani is struggling with proving to be important. Somebody.
We call that go-along-to-get-along. It’s what the German people did to survive during Hitler’s reign of terror. If they spoke up against the regime, they would also be carted off and put to death.
It’s where do we draw the line?
Yes! The health care field attracts them.
this is spot on - i experienced this 100%. practically worshipped in his community. awful behind closed doors.
Mother is one of these. Sweetest most kind lady in public. First to ask how you are doing and get the low down/dirt on you to gossip about later. Acts like the counselor and gossip (she calls it ‘being communicative’) expert in any and all social groups. Acts like super mom in public too, hugs and kisses her kids. However, behind closed doors she is domineering, as warm as a rock, never wants to know her kid’s struggles, doesn’t help clean or cook, and is just a total work of art as a human being. Oh and she’s super religious. Has been teaching catechism for years.
They come on as being kind thoughtful let me help you. Then they become your dictator. Mine is a neighbor who insisted on cutting my grass. Then he told me to get rid of my bird feeders and my plants. When I didn't and I dared to cut my grass he poisoned my grass. Now it's just full-blown harassment. I'm an ungrateful person who must be punished.
Please create / get people to help out with tall, thick and fast growing privacy hedges. There are hedges that are made specifically to keep neighbours out. This is so disturbing ʕಠ_ಠʔ
That's my father. He can't do it now as he is 80 but he insisted on doing my garden despite me saying "not right now, it's not convenient", due to my health issues. Never takes no for an answer and angrily did the garden for years. So nasty, he ruined my joy over having a new home. My mother would insist on doing my housework while I was at work, with products that set off my allergies and I'd have to do things again. Then whe you're not happy, you're labelled ungrateful. Doing good isn't forcing people to do as you say, they didn't get that message. What's galling is, if I ask for help with something, it's the contempt and disdain, no we are too busy!
Yes, My neighbor wanted to help me with a home project and ended up becoming obsessed and obsessive with being around me. Calling, texting and then getting angry if I didn’t answer within hours. I saw the signs and set boundaries with him. He went into victim mode and acted like a child when I told him I cannot have him around anymore. I feel so free from his toxic energy. He definitely was a “altruistic” narcissist who liked using his power to manipulate and control.
Yes. “ charity begins in the home”. And like Andy Warhol did every Christmas, he went covertly to work in a soup kitchen, avoiding the spotlight completely,
Thank you for your enlightening podcasts.
Did not know that about Andy Warhol - always nice to hear about genuine people. George Michael also did a lot of good behind the scenes that only came to light after his death because he asked people not to tell.
How could Andy Warhol not be recognized?
@@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538 ANDY WARHOL was not a good person, but a total narcissist that destroyed lives. Eddie Sedgwick comes immediately to mind.
@@NediSafa Take off his wig.
Andy Warhol was not charitable, he was a destructive narcissist.
Oh, yes! The teacher of the year. The wonderful educator, who spends all of their time at school. The one who gives and gives and gives to her students. The teacher who spends weekends doing school events and stays into the evenings at school, getting the lesson plans ready, making sure that she is there for her precious students. You know the one! Whenever you drive by the school parking lot, their car is always the last to leave? What a dedicated teacher! What a wonderful human being! They should all be like that. (Insert slow clap here) 👏👏👏
When I hear about ‘the dedicated teacher’ who lives at work? Sorry, but I’m just suspicious.🤷🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🤨 Who or what are they avoiding at their own home? As crazy as that sounds. You get more credit for saving someone else’s kid. You get more love, admiration and attention by spending all of your time at work and if you go home? You go home to a child you don’t want to raise in the first place. Who wants to deal with that?🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🥳💯
This broke my heart, because I never think of it that way. You describe my step mom…she only get lovey-dovey with me in front of my dad.
She been teacher for years and same thing and always has IEP meetings
Most of these Cluster Bs flock around jobs who empower them in some way. For a while it seemed you were talking about dear old mom...yeah, working late hours as kids wait in the stairways because they have no key to get in, or leaving kids unattended and waiting for hours at a bus stop..*sigh*
There are lots of extremely dedicated teachers who are completely normal.
One thing I've noticed is that people with these traits have an abrupt limit to their good behavior. They can throw a party and be a wonderful host/ hostess and then suddenly flip on the lights and order everyone out - as if they've hit a limit and can't behave any longer. Or, behind closed doors, they relax by dropping the over the top facade and release all the anger that built up while maintaining the facade - or maybe just the disappointment that the validation they got is still not sufficient.
Sounds like it could be an introvert as well. But they would probably just get exhausted and go to bed without forcing anyone out.
@@ct6852 Not an introvert - got kicked out because a new neighbor asked them to come over for drinks!
@@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538 Oh...yeah that's sus. Reminds me a bit of my histrionic friend that invited 12 people over once for a small party on Saturday then forgot to show up. Because he made other plans. Lol. (No other choice but to laugh at this shit sometimes).
My mother taking me to a Vietnam war protest at 3. "Isn't she cute?😊 I'm such a good mother" uh oh, we're getting tear gassed. She also had me memorizing poetry at 5 and would trot me out to recite it but that's another issue
You poor thing. 😢🤦♀️
@@CaliWeHo thanks. She's long gone and I don't have to deal with any trouble she lands herself in. One of her biggest problems was she seemed to have zero concept of consequences or how something might turn out. Everyone else B follows A. Her A then 5v7ut7845jhhzzr??!!? I'm trying to figure out why she was like that
Oh my. So sorry. Some people!
as someone who knew refugees from Vietnam, i consider these protestors to be evil.
It was bible verses for me
It sure doesn't cancel out as Dr. Ramani says. My father was respected beyond reproach for his efforts in the community and in his profession. At home, he was cruel, violent, righteous, and malignant. His funeral was full of admirers and at the last minute, I was put on the spot and asked to speak of my father. Oh my! My thoughts were so convoluted and could have ruined the day. So I simply said my father was complicated, kind to animals, good to the community, and obviously loved by many in that community. He was good at his job. (If they only knew the truth I thought)
You handled a difficult situation beautifully.
Sad and painful life….. I share similar pain w/uncle who had passed away; however, I thought I would be happy when he passed but when I heard my cousins get up and talk about their great memories while sobbing end up feeling much grief for them but not him. I was molested by him also and now and then I still smell his disgusting breath. I was 11 years old when that started happening. I am 55.
I think everyone has screwed up family members somewhere down the line.
@@tinaknutsen Thankyou for your empathy, and I have much respect for your ability to endure such pain and suffering. It has always puzzled me as to how they can inflict such misery upon their own family and yet abhor such behaviour happening outside of it. But I guess they are so detached from themselves psychologically that they have no full awareness of their actions. But they must. So they lie to themselves. And hope no one exposes them for that would bring shame upon the family. And probably blame upon the victimized child as well. The dance of deception we watch and the reign of fear and loathing we had to deal with every day. I send love to you from NZ Tina.
I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of ' communal narcissism'. I know that a lot of people are genuinely concerned about public service. And it feels good to be thanked and validated for our public service. But, I truly believe it's our responsibility to our circles and communities to serve the public to the best of our extent without seeking any recognition. In today's age of social media and media meddling, a lot of us are not serving just to be of service, we are serving because we are expected to and we would like to be recognized for our service. Let's take a deep look within and ask ourselves what our true motives are.
Agreed!
My Ex-husband was a communal narcissist. He never would refuse to do anything for anyone who asked 🙄 him. Everyone told me what a nice guy he was. Well, in his home he was a neglectful, abusive and covert controller. He also wasn't afraid of threatening violence, throwing objects, slamming doors. If you tried to talk to him about an issue and he didn't want to talk about it ( refused to take any responsibility 🤷) he would walk out the door. I never screamed or carried on because this is the behavior he would have loved to see me display. People couldn't understand why I didn't like him. I knew why. He wouldn't think anything of hitting you either. Yet to his friends he pretended he would never hit a women🤫🙄. It's torture because your reality is distorted. Your belief in yourself after years of this behavior is shattered. Your "Humpty Dumpty" from a character from a childhood nursery rhyme emotionally shattered into a thousand peices. He had a sense of deep shame including identity issue's. Who was this man? My mother was a narcissist and years later I see the connection. They will destroy your life and leave you a hollow shell and it will take years of therapy and self exploration to dig yourself out of the psychological damage. If you can get out please run from these people. The are noting but a facade. I believe they have no personality and seek validation anywhere and everywhere from both men and women.
I am sorry to hear you went through that. I was also married to one. He did all kinds of favors and drew fan art for celebrities to kiss their butts. He said he was "destined" to work for the Muppets. Yeah…no. Nobody is destined to work for one company or another. He would throw tempertantrums over the dumbest stuff, and bragged about his angry-face he made when he would rage. I wish I had known what this was all about before I even dated him. We were in a long distance relationship before we got married halfway across the USA. Never again. I believe you and your feelings are valid.
Very true! So many narcissists do fund raising and have to announce it in posts constantly!!! “Look at me”!!!!!
Omg. I knew my partner was a narcissist. This one hits it perfectly. Mine is a child social worker. She seeks validation out in public. But at home is another person on the daily. No one can do right at home. Especially the children. Then it becomes an argument on what I am not doing " right"
Thank you
Yep! My condolences, truly!!
I'm a teacher. Had a colleague that was a textbook communal narcissist. Found out when we collaborated during a school partnership where there were around six or so other schools from other countries involved. When she realized she wasn't:t going to be the "co-ordinator" and wasn't going to get to be in the limelight, she turned horribly nasty: verbal attacks when no one else was around and sabotage galore. At one point, I was considering writing a book about her, or the experience I guess. But then I realized I didn't want to waste any more time remembering all her noxious behavior and vicious, covert attacks. On the other hand, if I was a psychologist, I would include her in a book as a perfect example of a communal narcissist!
@EH I hope you or some other teachers told her. if not - You can always send her this video ;-)
@@stefanlindstrom-entreprenologyEven if she sent her this video, she wouldn't recognize herself in the descriptions provided. Narcissists don't see themselves the way others do.
I think a movie called BAD TEACHER with CAMERON DIAZ is your story. Got to watch it😂
Oh and hugs.
@@tangerinefizz11 you are most likely right. Perhaps in a state of total denial. I wonder what it takes to convince a narci. Maybe Dr.Ramani will do a video of that. I recently asked a covert narci,
- so your wife does not wanna talk with you, your 4 children do not wanna have contact, and your 2 sisters said after your mother's funeral - we don't wanna have contact with you. Can you see a thread here? - the covert narcissist - still thinks everyone is against him.
My narc friend would tell me she was always giving money to the homeless. She was going out to dinner with a friend of hers and asked if I’d please join them. Anyway, when we ordered she ordered 3 dishes and wanted me to pay for all 3. She had asked if she could split a dish with me because she was not that hungry. She only wanted me to go so she could trick me into paying for her dishes. She often would play the I forgot my wallet card often. When I called her on it she stated I was toxic and didn’t think she could hang around with me. She called herself a healing shaman empath. Good riddance narcissist! 😂
Anyone who calls themselves an empath is immediately suspect.
WOW! Bye, girl!
Shaman haha
Every time a narcissist gets called out they project on you and run
Oh my god…how awful….
This is the perfect message during a major holiday season for several prominent religions. These are the folks with framed pictures of themselves hugging the downtrodden while receiving an award for the same, but they treat the human beings around them like filthy underlings on a daily basis. Watch out for them!
Narcassism and gossiping manipulating. This can make you crazy if you don't understand the personality. Everyone loves them. As I opened my eyes I realized his family and friends were narcissistic, always in their own competition. Crazy flipping world. Thank you doctor Ramni bringing sanity back to our lives. Yes I believe it is all about love.
I worked in the nonprofit sector for about a decade. It was absolutely crawling with these types, both those who donated and those who worked there. There was going to be hell to pay for us worker bees if we didn't feed someone's narcissism. Don't get me wrong, lots of people donate because they care and want to be the world a little better. It still seemed to me like there was an over-representation.
There are the every day , consistent, roll up the sleeve vollinteers... then there is (usually) an executive committee that turns up to a random working bee for the photo and validation.
it ahppens all the time, that's also why these organizations are so inefficient, they're all about fluffing narcissists, not actually fixing issues (that's a side effect)
Thank you for reminding us of who the real heroes are. They are the ones who deserve admiration, even if they don't expect it on return.
I have discovered, having a VERY Narcissistic mother - truly kind People, with a servant's heart, Hardworking/Humble/Healful.... are NOT 2-faced in secret.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this video! Communal narcissism sounds so much like my mother and people i met a long the way in my life! I would join several spirtual groups and churches to heal from PTSD and be part of a community. I also enjoyed volunteering but noticed many people being mean to each other and their families! I left all that behind feeling disappointed and disillusioned!
Ding! That was my mom. The world loved her, we her family continued to love her despite her using us and abusing us.
It's a long story. I dated someone for eight years who I believe is a communal psychopath. He raises money for his own non-profit habitat project. I was his silent second hand for year's. When he discarded me he did it in a way where I ended up living in a tent for a number of months. I would love to tell this story it was wild trying to dig myself out of the pit I was in mentally. The guy is like a young Jim Jones, and he's gotten more sadistic as he gets older. He has a small following still. Dealing with them throughout the years has been wild too.
You were his accomplice.
@@chayo4537 accomplice implies knowledge of wrong doing. I didn't know. I was just one of the many people he conned.
@@l.j.2624 does he not fear retribution?
@@David-eu1ms psychopaths don't fear much apparently. His mask as a do gooder usually confuses people enough that they think they did something wrong when they get conned by him.
I was “friends” with such an individual for many years. Due to a confluence of circumstances it was abruptly and shockingly made clear to me who he was. I get you. These people are a TOTAL mind f*ck. I left immediately but it takes months or years for the mind fog to completely clear. I now fully get how people get sucked into cults. The charismatic psychic energy these people emit is mind boggling.
I had a new friend a few years ago who seemed great. She talked about a charitable cause a lot and invited me to get involved. I volunteered at a fundraising event and was leaving after my 4 hour shift, which was a lot of fun. However, instead of thanking me, the new friend told me she needed me to turn around and take another shift because someone didn’t show. I wasn’t available and she yelled at me about not saying. She sure fooled me but that was when she showed me who she really was. No thanks on that type of friend.
Yes, bye! Run!
Good for you! Who needs ungrateful friends.
@@ebony41441 100%!
I think that this can be very insidious when the communal narcissist doesn't quite know how to feign empathy for people who aren't their typical community or source of supply. They can do things that the person doesn't want or need or hasn't asked for, but then get angry and spiteful when they aren't given the deference and praise they expect. They might then try to appeal to all of their other accolades to make the person feel crazy.
100% .. and NOW 'she' has a whole CULT of followers .. big animal rescuer .. People have NO idea how truelly EVIL she is
Your statement hits home 💯. A number of wars started this way.
Its all so confusing and isolating
@@Rachopin77 yes it is. It's still heartbreaking for me.
I get you. My husband is a minister (walking with the devil) narc, that always shares his accolades with me all the time, it's a way to make sure you don't see the true person. I'm so disgusted with all that.
As a perpetual victim of hatred n jeaLOUSY i have lived a LIFETIME of these spiteful pos abusers 😐
YES! Same here. The jealousy is very scary. I actually don’t leave any open drinks around. I’m afraid I’ll be poisoned. The victimhood is infuriating. I could go on for days with examples.
Me too Helena and I love showing them what a true genuine empath is,allowing them to see how truly fake they are,causing them to get jealous in front of a true empath such as myself.
Dr. Romani
You have changed my life, opened my eyes and saved my soul.
When I learned what was happening to me...I experienced a euphoric feeling. I got it! It wasn't me. I wasn't crazy.
I have been following you for a year and learned so much. I wish we could meet with you.
Ok I digress.
I've done a lot of research...I'd like your thoughts on ADHD and narcissists?
I have seen this in my field. I was blown away to see and experienced this behavior. Opened my eyes. So now I am learning about personality types. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. Many blessings for you, Light and Love beautiful soul. 🙌💖
You are sooooo right, it's the MOTIVES behind the scenes that are driving them..... what can I GET from it!!!
My narc mother used to insist on cooking all of the holiday meals(-Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter) which would then be transported to another family member's house. She just had to make every single dish: several meats, all of the sides, all of the desserts, she bought all of the beverages all while insisting on no help from any of the other people who would be eating the food. According to her it was all being done for the elderly people in the family.
Meanwhile, I was THE ONLY ONE who ever helped her with it all...all the while having orders barked at me, being snapped at, being talked down to, being woken up at the crack of dawn to start preparing and roasting turkeys and lamb and to prepare the rest of the food. Then to top it all off, there was a big rush to get the food prepared and delivered because my maternal grandfather was messing around with 2 women whose houses he wanted to make sure he visited after we all ate dinner at his house. So that meant my grandfather would be constantly calling our house *with an attitude* complaining if the food wasn't brought to his house by a certain time.
One year I just decided that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I told her I didn't like the way I was being treated, and that it wasn't fair that everyone else basically just showed up to eat but when it was time to clean up they either just sat around on their @. ×× es and/or watched the football game or they left. I told her that it wasn't fair that we did all the work while my grandfather got to make demands on when the food was brought to his house then eat and run off to whatever woman's house.
Of course me standing up for myself didn't go over well with her. My attitude now is basically
"Go ahead and cook all that food if you want to... you'll be doing it by yourself though"-- and she hates it! 😂
What I WILL DO, however, is buy food from a restaurant or buy the beverages or desserts as my contribution.
I forgot to add that later on when I got older, I came to realize that it was all about being able to say that SHE cooked everything and the glory that came along with being able to say that she did-- even though she obviously didn't do it all by herself. If somebody said what a great job that she did cooking all the food, she would never stop to correct them and say that I helped too.
When the subject came up again recently and I reiterated about how I stopped doing it because I didn't like the way she talked to me, her reply was something to the effect of
"Well I needed your help."
So basically I deserved to be spoken to like that because she thought I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. There was never any apology or her saying that she didn't realized that she'd been speaking to me like that or that she didn't mean it.
@@astridmiller7938
Thank you!♥️
@@DingoLingo2
Exactly! Nobody ever thinks about whoever cleans up. They pretty much just expect it to magically get done with no questions asked.
Maybe it's just me, but I think people tend to make more of a mess when they know somebody else will clean it up after them.
*‘Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.’
That really is beautiful. ❤
I can’t believe there are people who argue it cancels out. They probably were never abused by their parents. Because there is always going to be someone to take care of the needy, but if your parent abuses you, there is no escape, and they literally ruin your life. There is just no comparison
I used to have a "fiend" who was like this and who would pick and choose what she would "do" for "others" based on how sweet smelling SHE would be on the other side. THEN if it didn't work out the way she wanted she'd complain of how much she did FOR NOTHING. Nothing being, as you said, high accolades, her name in print, MVP on and on..... SICKENING!
After years of abuse, I had pretty much determined my wife is narcissistic personality disorder, but I could not reconcile such a bad, selfish etc personality could also do charity work, as she does... until I came across communal narcissism when I realised that not only she, but most of the people in her charity group, plaster their good work all over social media so that the primary purpose of their work was public adulation and not the improvement or relief of the condition of others... that removed the final block to accepting that she really is what she is...
I’ve seen a lot of this sort of thing in my life. Thanks. Now I can give it a name.
My sister's Narc husband grabbed the cheque at an expensive restaurant for a table of ten...revelled in the recognition he received for said act, then when they arrived home he asked my sister for reimbursement for her portion of the bill.
I have autism and adhd, my childhood was hell. I begged for help from my oh so giving PTA mother. I heard a lot of “You are faking your struggles” and “Why can’t you be like your friends” or “you’re making me look bad”.
I’m 19 now and I have finally realized my mother never cared about my wellbeing. After all the psychological and physical abuse and shame, I can see that all her actions were simply never a reflection of me.
Nobody can ever provide a narcissist the amount of validation they want. You give an inch to the people and they take a mile.
Many therapists are themselves covert vulnerable communal narcissists, like mine is. So they will invalidate your feelings in session and guilt trip while talking down to you and shame for for the "disrespect", "No you shouldn't be feeling that way. You have no right to feel that way. You should never have done that. You're going to fire me after everything I've done for you? I have given everything I have into helping you, and this is how you speak to me? You never appreciate all the efforts I go to in order to help you. You hurt my feelings. None of my other patients have ever spoken to me this way. Ever."
I have witnessed 1st hand the communal do-gooders; dropping everything to help others, while I'm begging for things to be repaired in our home, for just 30 minutes of his time/attention. I've witnessed the rage when he felt the accolades didn't match deeds done, in his eyes. Any "charitable causes" came to a screeching halt when he didn't feel adequate validation. For YEARS I wondered "why" I was always last on the list of people/things to address., it made me feel so devalued. Ever so clear to me now; I'm only an audience of one, not hundreds. You have no idea how eye-opening this was for me. For a long time I felt "second best to all the rest". It was never about me being "worth his time", it was about his need for public validation from the masses. Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani. You are helping to heal the deepest wounds for those of us who have endured years of narcissistic abuse.
Being kind to one person is being kind to a universe.
I know a parent at my daughter's private school who is very wealthy and who made a big donation to the school, but who outright lied to cps about me and created a whole legal mess.
This reminds me of those content creators who pick a random homeless person while filming them as they give them food and money. Its very exploitative.
Exactly
And when the person fights them for having their space invaded all of a sudden their violent and emotionally volatile
Yes. They re making a profit while exploiting people s vulnerabilities.
That sounds really sickening.
Those video's drive me nuts, so I by-pass them. The first few were nice, then it became a "thing".
They love the church! Being a leader especially!
I could listen to Dr.Ramani all day. Sometimes I do just that. I only wish I had access to her knowledge when I was growing up. I believe my life would have been a lot easier! I do believe It's ever too late to grow! Thanks for another informative video ❤
Amen...it helps emmensly even after all these years...I understand much better what shaped the life I've lead. It helps me love my parents and just wish they had the chance to hear Dr. Ramani..maybe they'd still be alive, regardless I appreciate looking at them in anew way...Godbless and Thankyou....it's a battle after being Gaslite in life, we all have...hurt people hurt people. Stops here. Namaste
@@Timebend2025 best wishes ❤
@@vlrissolo And to You, we are in together to just do better with the knowledge. Godbless
Thank you so much for this! It really helps me get my head around my situation with my mom. She is definitely a communal narcissist and i have felt the dissonance and loneliness of it all my life. My sibling doesn't see it, nor do other family friends and relatives - they all see her as the saint that she constantly presents herself to be. She is an adorable, sweet, little old lady who helps with the homeless ministry at her church, after all! (as she is always reminding me, in the most "humble" of tones 😄) This video reminds me to trust my instincts . Sucks, though, to have a mom who isn't capable of really caring about me, i have to say. I feel like an emotional orphan. But i have a wonderful, caring spouse, great kids, and a few really good friends. I am learning to accept how fortunate i am to have all that and to grieve and let go of what i didn't have.
Oh, this is too real. My mother was one of those for sure. She cared about every cause, but anything that had to do with her own children. Here's the ironic part. All of 7 us kids are her adopted children. There's of us counting me. Really starting to make sense.
Don't get so caught up in trying to save the world and forget the person next to you.
All too relatable. These people are ruthless is their quest for accolades… and it’s never enough 🤢
What an amazing overview of communal narcissism. It is incredibly insidious. It may be less damaging to society than malignant narcissism, but the toll it takes on close associates is devastating.
Just ask people who actually worked with Mother Theresa.
Oh my goodness, this is the entirety of my former church. They promote "good deeds" but make sure there's loads of videos and pictures posted to social media to show the world and do not forget to mention your church(look at ME/US&how Christian our deeds are boasting) .... 😖 But behind the scenes and many closed door meetings plus what they do to people who are deemed Out of the "community/crew/team/squad"... 😈👹 it curdles the blood!
My former church's leadership and boss who is on staff there epitomize the "saint" who does so much for everyone/the community while making sure they are in every picture/video/news clips when possible, constant boasting&bragging(from pulpit on down to all the flying monkeys) how great they are but making sure they are in Control of all possible situations, how people perceive things and others. The exact opposite of what a Christian is supposed to be, suppose to do and Not do😔.
I grew up with a malignant narcissistic pastor dad, and I only very recently disentangled myself from a long-term creative partnership with a communal narcissist. I really lost my confidence in being able to judge other people's character, and as much as I learn about recovery from narcissistic abuse, I just feel discouraged about my ability to move through the world in a wise way, knowing that for the rest of my life I may feel like constantly having to avoid narcissistic land mines. I do kind of feel emotionally maimed
Don't speak maiming into existence my friend even if you feel like that at times. Spelling and words cast spells
My pastor father had zero love. He was a sadistic narc, but I went on to marry a communal narc who is trying to be nicer than God, who he rejects!! He posed as a believer of some sort for years. You are not alone!! I'm trying to get a divorce from mine, and he is desperately love bombing me and our disabled daughter who I now take care of, without him. I never did ANYTHING right, of course, when he was around so he took care of her. This type of narc is so sick, bc it subverts virtue and actually makes it a destructive vice!!
@@elizabethy2912 I'm very familiar with that dynamic, and it's very challenging :( Best of luck to you, I believe in you!
I am not really good at picking out narcissists too. I have found that looking at their eyes tells a story. Narcissists have really dead eyes.
My sister-in-law.
She isolated my bro. Like any narc. Now he's not got long and she is literally torturing him. He has a brain tumor and 3 mo. ago Drs gave him 3 months.
She hates me bc i don't praise her EVERY second. My brothers last days are about her. She won't let me c him now that he can't do things for himself.
There's only one word that fits, EVIL.
My stepmother & half siblings, after my Dad's terminal ALS diagnosis, before his recent death. Heart-breaking :(
You're right. It is evil. Im just curious. I have a sis in law that I believe is a narc. And I believe she has turned my bro against us to a degree. Do you think she turned your bro against the family?
@@Kontroversial84
She tried. But he loves me and she hates that
@@brigitteleafbarnes1441
Sooo sorry for ur lose. As i am for all those grieving.
The mother we all wanted. 👍🏻🙏🏻
I used to volunteer for the food bank, for the food truck pickups. Organizing food on and off the truck, helping coordinate the line, making sure people have their paperwork done right to get their family some food, and sometimes handing out. I remember one weekend, a senator and his family made an appearance. They werent there to load up the truck in the morning, nor to help with the public nor with unloading. There was always a solid few feet between the senator and the public. They had showed up to the pickup date before Thanksgiving. It seriously took longer to accommodate the senator. We were expected to create a special space for them, where they wouldnt have to actually interact or take initiative. He had one daughter that actually was present, not too preoccupied to actually be supportive. The rest of the family didn't go where help was needed, they stayed in their safe & distant, staged positions.
It did change the way I understand media reports about politicians and celebrities "volunteering."
My sibling to a T. Horribly spiteful and abusive at home, first to me and my mother, now to her partner. It was a family joke at holidays that we’ve got about 2 hours of family time before she gets sick of all of us and the abuse starts. We work at the same organization and the other day a colleague described her as “fair and just and kind” i kept my mouth shut but inside I was like 🙄🤢
I am always amazed at the people who have so much love 💕 and charity for animals, but hate humans, even their own minor children.
My parents are exactly this! They volunteer all over the community, make things to take to the neighbors, donate highly to their church, etc. They love when a story about them is in the paper. My mom knows all kinds of details that she shares with me about the neighbor's grown kids. But she is totally fine going 3-4 months without talking with me and my siblings. She doesn't show any interest about what is going on with my internal life. She is super involved with her grandkids when they are little, but as soon as they get to an age where they have their own interests and stronger opinions/desires/needs, they lose interest. I am quite sure their community members would be super surprised if they knew how little they actually know about their own kids' lives. But if my niece wins a sports award or if something happens to one of us that is a little dramatic, like a bad car accident, they will definitely be announcing it in church, telling all their neighbors, asking for prayers, utilizing it to get attention.
A perfect example of this is Meghan Markle. When she went to Rwanda in 2016 for World Vision, she travelled with a fashion photographer, a hairdresser, a makeup artist, and a team of aides. Several photos were published of her sitting and smiling with children. In the refection of her sunglasses, you can see an aide holding a reflector to ensure the light fell properly on her face, as is done on a professional fashion shoot or TV/movie set.
She's awful 😮
Yes! I immediately said the same thing! It’s MM
It's ALL of those hollywood types. Ugh. Communal narcissists by day and pedos by night.
Yall really don't like that woman. Yall talk about Charles Manson and the royal inbred family with more compassion
You could be a detective. But then why are you with narcissists your whole life. Oxymoronic
One of Jesus’ teachings comes in my mind when I learn about communal narcissists or the do gooders presenting their good deeds to the public on RUclips.
Matthew 6:3
“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.“
I really think this is so much more common than people realize. Take it from a person who had a father who was a minister, PTA president, etc. but a total abusive asshole to his family. If you find yourself enamored of one of these benevolent public figures, check yourself. And since I have been an adult for several decades and have been honest about my father I have found that this communal narc is prevelant amongst religious leaders.
I knew one of these who stopped donating his universal blood type because he didn’t think they gave him enough thanks.
“Always face towards the light, and the light is the place where you are respected. Where people are treated with kindness and compassion whether or not the cameras are rolling.”
“Always look for the key ingredients: lack of empathy, entitlement, and arrogance. The bells and whistles around it may be different as we see in communal narcissism, but it does seem all roads do lead to Rome.”
One person who seems to have been the opposite of a communal narcissist is George Michael. It wasn't until after he died that it emerged that he helped a lot of people privately and didn't seek fanfare. He was very talented and earned his fame and fortune with his talent, but he seems to have been pretty humble.
Holy COW! My eyes are OPENED! Insane!
The charitable moment: MIL invites herself over to help with chopping wood, of all things, to display on social media of how self-sacrificing she is, even on mother’s day, despite the homeowner’s discouragement. No matter, MIL was on her mission that day! She had to create content to bolster her martyrdom to the world. 🎉
Mom, communal/ covert. Took me 37 years to finally figure it out! Thank you. Unfortunately there is still a long road ahead for me.
I hate people who does it and act like they're special. I like people who are truly humble.
This video triggered some bad memories for me. This was 100% my dad, it was awful growing up. Everyone of my friends would say you're so lucky to have a dad like him.... Teachers would say your dad is so nice! No one believed me when I'd say he's not really like that, he's actually a really bad man. Friends would say you're such a liar... Teachers would chuckle and say no that can't be. Eventually I stopped saying what he was really like. It was lonely and scary. My mom ran her own business, and I remember my dad yelling at her for working so late when there's no customers. All of a sudden, a customer would walk-in, and my dad would change faster than I can blink. He'd turn from being red in the face yelling at my mom for wasting her life and his money, to smiling and welcoming the client, within the blink of an eye. I'm sitting here crying writing this, clearly I still have some emotional healing to do 🥺
12 step recovery is full of this crap
Lovely video Doctor I thank-you for explaining who and what the communal narcissist is like. I live in a small town full of these people who like to behave just like this and it really annoys me to see them take out their narcissistic ways on those who they consider beneath themselves. I do not believe that they should be placed in a position of power over others at all and need to be exposed for who they really are because of the damage that they can cause to others. I myself have been subjected to their narcissism and have been treated unfairly because they fear me I am a Sigma male and can see through them. I see them for who they really are I can see their vulnerabilities and it scares them. I do not let them get to me I can usually just ignore them which seems to annoy them even more. That's life in a small town.
Commended mine on an event they ran. Said afterward that it was really good but I think I have some feedback that would make next year’s event even better “stay in your lane it’s got nothing to do with you”. Then hired the MC I suggested for the following year told people I couldn’t come (I wasn’t invited I was chastised by other attendees for not supporting them) then got a call at 2AM to collect them and carry their things from the car…
These type take "self righteous" to a whole new level, specifically if they have an issue or agenda, often something they do not care at all about ,yet one they can use as an excuse for attention, drama and temper tantrums.
Great content again😊. I would love to hear Your insight about narcissistic children as well.. unfortunately they exist as awful as it sounds. It is not only the parents who can destroy their children with their narcissism, but the other way around. Especially if it is the only thing they saw growing up, looking up to a manipulative narcissistic father and choosing their way of living, looking down on “weak” people or women in general.
In other words, they expect you to be: Mult-Personality-Man! With "MPM" on your chest as a hero logo. Thats rich.
I think another example of this is one buying you something and wanting you to make sure you announce it to everyone ( on social media with photo evidence or verbal communication) that they did this thing for you. It turns my stomach. It's so small, but it's no different.
Oh! Always ask for something in a group of people they will never turn you down.
My mother. And I'm her escape goat and she victimizes blaming me... i have no family anymore ( if we see family and friends as some sort of community) everyone adores her.
I worked in my country Lebanon with a founder of the most famous charitable association for youngsters with physical and mental disabilities, and I experienced hell! The woman would do the best to those youngsters especially when a camera is rolling while demeaning us, her employees, cursing at us, making us feel worthless and physically attacking us! her prayers made thousands of people cry with empathy while her verbal, mental and physical abuse made us, her employees, cry daily out of frustration.
Why I don't trust religious leaders, spiritual gurus, or anyone who receives a high level of power for being "good" or "enlightened".
Saw through the " animal saver " Her face froze when I said " Are you doing this for them or you??!"
The character Harriet Oleson on Little House on the Prairie comes to mind
My mother is a communal narcissist. Her last stunt was a few months ago, declaring she was going to the protest to get more attention for climate change. For her grand children. With lots of pictures of course.