Why Does A Fearful Avoidant Pull Away (And What To Do)
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- Опубликовано: 8 июл 2024
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This is ridiculous. Even a secure person would have issues with someone pulling away every time there was a disagreement. And typically avoidants won’t tell you they need space, they just give you silent treatment for days.
I would say I’m mostly secure but if badly triggered I will act very Anxious, so yes if u love bomb me and not just words , with actions too, &then u go cold, YES, I will get anxious like wtf happened lol 😮but sooner or later I detach and go hella cold and know my worth, I bounce bye! ✌🏾
Yep. Ghosted me for 4 days and when I asked if she was losing interest she said “no I’ve been at my families house it’s my sisters birthday. The same sister she said she hated with a passion.
@@cindybesitos8933I’m exactly the same and once I turn cold there’s no going back.
@@dominiquecadet5976 u happened to be an Aquarius lol?
I think dating apps should have a mandatory field on what the person's attachment style is so that both people are aware before they swipe. 😂
I am secure and it’s hard to put brains into a person that pushes and pulls. Its is very draining. A secure person will still try and make the relationship work. But if you can’t get communication, it doesn’t matter what attachment style they are, a relationship won’t work.
I have been with my partner for 3-4 years and we lived together and separated, we were engaged and separated. Been on and off for almost 5-7 months of the entire relationship.
Even a secure person that loves someone will try and make it work. But if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or ghosts or blocks you then doesn’t matter what you do, they will continue to do it again and again. It’s in there blood. And because we call it love, a secure person will fall victim to being anxious. I have no issues giving my partner space, because I too would love some time for myself. But when someone shuts off after an argument or ghosts you or says the relationship is over, what do you do? There is no win for anyone. An avoidant comes into the relationship all happy and bubbly and willing to make it work, then shuts off. It’s usually a 3 month cycle. And I’ve seen it over and over again
Yeah, I feel the same way, just asking myself what do I do? I'd love to just be there for them and provide the stability and love they seem to want. But they push away so hard when I do that. And like you said if you can't get any communication, then you aren't really even in a relationship. The only logical thing to do is leave or if they leave you first then move on permanently from them.
But it's hard to leave and move on because being secure does not stop your heart breaking. Does not mean you can turn your feelings off like a tap. And the emotions just make you want to be there for someone you genuinely love and care about. But you can't be there, they will not allow you too. And that's what makes it so hard, because it feels like you're abandoning them. I think I was raised feeling my parents would always be there for me, never abandon me, no matter what I did wrong or right and that's how I want to love my partner. But it's a different relationship. It can't be that way. You must protect yourself from their damaging behavior.
The best way I have been able to reconcile leaving and moving on, or at least trying to move on, is to realize that this is what is best for my personal health. And to then pray that they will find true peace and joy and happiness whether with themselves or with another partner, and if I truly love them, then I can be happy for them finding that one day. And I can still be sad it wasn't with me. But I can accept that somethings in life aren't meant to be and that I will attract and find what I am meant to.
I would love to talk to you about this if you’re willing. I’m really having a hard time.
@@misskhoury1765 I’m not a coach. As hard as it may be, and as much as you try and communicate with them it seems impossible to have a normal dialog with them. They don’t like to communicate about issues and they avoid it at all cost. Trust me you will get no where
What's confusing is, how are they able to court us, to begin with??
@@xodancerxo Because during the courting phase their fears aren’t triggered, there is less vulnerability and less bids for commitment, once there is a requirement for commitment, their fears are triggered, so they deactivate/pull away
Doesn’t matter how “stable” you are for these types. They always self sabotage, one foot in one foot out. It’s a never ending cycle
Reminds me of the song Hokey Pokey... put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and ya shake it all about. Their foot is the relationship (you)!
I spent nearly 2 years of practicing patience with an avoidant person but I reached my point of giving up. For me, the point of being in a relationship means I can occasionally lean on my partner, we can communicate with each other and spend regular time together. Not smothering but also be present in each other’s lives.
Agreed Shelly. We are supposed to be able to lean on each other. Interdependent is the term I think. I recognize my avoidant husband left me alone so much that the patterns from a 20+ year marriage has kept me aloof and remote from people and I am working on being more open. Recently I found out I have breast cancer. Nothing like that to REALLY bring out one's vulnerability though maybe it's time to be honest with myself and the world. I am not as strong as I put out and my outer world is reflecting that. I really appreciated your post because it put into words something I was thinking myself. Thank you for sharing!
That Is NOT The Definition Of "Truest Unconditional Love" So When We Give Up On Someone, They Give Up On Themselves. When We Don't Show Love In Understanding, They Won't Show It Ither. Understanding, Patience, Care, Love, Is Magnified In Mirroring, So They Learn From Exampling, That Us As Caring Humans, Give To The Ones We Love n Adore, In Honor Of Getting It Returned! 😊
When they need 2 weeks of space a month and 3/5 days pulling back to recover from a triggering event which can happen twice a month you don't see much of them at all ^^
Its All Got To Do With Understanding. If You Are Deathly Scared, Frightened n Afraid Of Spider's🕷 n Snakes🐍 😱😫 Would You Want To Get Close, OR Run Away? So Letting A Human, See, Feel, That It's Safe, It's Okay To Trust, By Showing Them That They Can Trust In You, WITHOUT You Biting Them, Instead With Giving Understanding Hugs, Patience, n Safe Places For Them To Be, B'CAUSE For Lord's Sakes, They Are Basically Living In Fright, That They Can Not Touch That Snake, Hold That Spider, n "WE," Just Need To Give Them Time To Adjust, Learn That It's Okay To Have Fears, Showing Them, That You Are Safe For Them, n Giving Them Caring, Understanding, Unconditional Love, That Does Not Judge, Never Harms, Always Open To Let Them Have Their Feelings, B'cause It's Inside, And Showing The One You Love, That You Love Them, NO MATTER WHAT COMES, Will Help Give Them Securities, In Learning, That Most People Are Not Going To Harm Them, LEAST NOT YOU, BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM, YOU WILL SHOW IT TO THEM BY LETTING THEM GET WHAT THEY NEED, B'CAUSE THEY HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANY SAFETY MEASURES, ANYWHERE ELSE, AS WHY THEY ARE STILL FEARING. PLEASE ALLOW THEM THIS FREEDOM, BUT SHOW THEM YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AND LOVE THEM, SO THAT THEY CAN TRUST IN LOVING THEMSELVES DEARLY, KNOWING THEY ARE SO VERY IMPORTANTLY BLESSED n LOVED BY YOU 😊❤ AMEN! 🙏😇
I literally need like hours i've never needed that many days. But there was this one guy. He wanted to have, like, a 3 hour phone call. And then would send me a selfie afterwards. And he was very good looking. And I was very into him But I couldn't look at the picture because it made me feel super nauseous. It wasn't him it was just too much.
OMG you just described my experience with my avoidant ex
Please don't forget that when an fearful avoidant pulls back, that they often also think that the other person doesn't care anymore for them if they just give space and don't say anything about it. That can also trigger something in them and they are pulling away even more. So I at least think that when an fearful avoidant pulls away you can just check up on them from time to time. Like every few days just wish them a good night and show them that you give them space without demanding any response on that message for example. Keep the message as short as possible, don't talk about any meaningful topic. Just show them that you will not leave them just because they are pulling away. That can give fearful avoidants the feeling that it's okay what they do right now. Which can be a stress relief for them. This is just my opinion on that and if you think I am wrong just comment here.
As a fearful avoidant I personally strongly disagree. If we broke up and you are texting me every few days I would be really really annoyed and probably block you. At that point I need my space. For contact a few months maybe. But not just a goodnight. I’d respond better to questions about how I am etc.
Dude no offense but no one is a mind reader. If one party pushes the other party away, it’s completely unreasonable and unfair to ask for the party being pushed to do the emotional work and walk on eggshells and take the risk and gamble of offering closeness during a pull away? Most of the time it just has opposite affect it pushes the avoidant away further. It’s a lose lose situation and one person doing the emotional work for 2 people
I agree with Jaybee - as an FA also, when I was triggered enough to abruptly end things, your only 4 options to save the relationship is 1. To fight when we are cutting you off in the moment. Bc if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth having. 2. When we swing partially back or are considering ourselves in the wrong and the bad person, we'll reach out by a simple I miss you or how are you. If not, consider 2 to 4 weeks as your first opportunity to reach out and check on us - and be prepared to apologize and claim fault for what went wrong. Option 3 is when we actually reach out with more push for a response - this can take MONTHS. But if you, in ANY WAY, are showing less than 100% effort in sorting out differences and trying again, then we'll shut down harder than you initially saw. Option 4 is a little less clear as you're most likely now erased from our phones, social media makes us strangers bc we've unfriended/unfollowed each other, and we are beginning to move on... but we left a back door open somewhere. You're not entirely blocked everywhere (which will happen if you reach out a f up). If we haven't cut ties somewhere, consider it an invitation to revisit the past. But just so you know, this is a last chance and any sign against clear communication will get you blocked everywhere for eternity. Consider being silent until you've pondered what it is you want and don't reach out unless you're clear you want a relationship with us.
I think once a week would be ok, indeed. But it should be quite direct message, maybe to ask if I would be willing and ready to discuss how things went and what could be done not just "how are you" or "thinking of you"
But if I've just drawn back then any kind of way that would reassure that I matter would be good. During that time I want to see the other person show more eddort than usual. Because I would tend to think that anything less is just politeness.
Basically. If you are still interested - go big in showing it. And give them space to come to you.
@@amanifestasticlife842 thanks for that comment
My boyfriend, now ex, was a fearful avoidant. If you are dating one, buckle up, you’re in for a crazy roller coaster ride. Talk about drama. It’s like walking on a mine field with that type of person. The hot cold dynamic is exhausting. They were just so emotionally unstable and emotionally unreliable. They are easily triggered. At the end of the day their behaviour is toxic. I find it surprising they can change.
Oh my i feel like I'm reading about my ex!
It still hurts hugely though, been only ten days. When he broke up with me he dismissed our entire relationship and was cold af. Crazy when compared to how in love he used to be with me until a few weeks ago. It just breaks my heart. Did you have a similar experience?
@@Marcianamusic_ my FA boyfriend, was always gushing over me telling me how in love he was with me and that he’s never felt this way about a woman before. But he would always eventually flip, and start acting irritable and agitated and then blow up out of no where saying “I can’t do this!” Then storm off. I considered it a break up bc of his behaviour and how he seemed like he couldn’t stand to be around me. Then days would pass and he would basically beg me to come back to him. That he didn’t mean it. Then he’s be in love and sweet again. Then the cycle would continue. This went on in 2 week cycles like clock work. It was insane. He knows he’s a FA and he started the online course this channel offers… but we just couldn’t stay together. His behaviour was really awful and damaging to me and our relationship. Not only that he was extremely jealous and would accuse me of seeing other men when I was out running errands. It was very alarming and it caused me a lot of distress. I finally ended it for my own well-being. He cussed so much unnecessary drama to my life. It was really toxic.
They really don't change...best to leave them in the dust as soon as you recognize they're FA.
Same with my ex girl
Many narcissists are fearful avoidant, remember that.
Narcissistic people are extremely toxic, and lack empathy or consideration for others.
Fearful avoidants want connection, but get afraid, and pull away.
Attachment styles and personality are different.
I was in a long distance with an avoidant, the worst combination!
Yep I just left mine. Absolute nightmare combo.
I am still in it :/
For them its perfect😂
I’m in that right now
As someone who relates to the fearful avoidant style the most. I think part of the problem is people who are FA will ignore all their negative judgments about a person because they are so desperate to experience a healthy love. All the love we bomb in the beginning is not disingenuous like a narcissist. We truly believe it. But then when the feeling of suffocation starts to kick in we realize we have judgments. Maybe even harsh ones that we are pretending we aren’t thinking.
I’ve learned to combat this by realizing the harshest critic inside me is what I really think and who I really am. And that’s the person that needs to approve of the other person. The most judgemental part of my mind is the one that has to do the choosing. Not the part of my mind that ignores red flags and deal breakers. Not that this is some magic fix all…but it is helping to realize that if I want to truly play fair with people I have to lead with my critical mind. Not hide from it. If I’m asshole then So be it. It’s better to be blunt force weapon than a bomb that explodes at random.
This is why fearful, anxious and dismissive need to date a secure attachment. I'm anxious, a problem solver, but moving more towards secure attachment. However, who has time for an emotional roller coaster with a fearful. I don't mind giving space, but if it happens frequently It's time to move on.
Iam a FA. This sounds more like a DA to me that needs space. I never want it.
Only if they work on themselves.
I’m an FA and I generally want to talk things out, I don’t stonewall or shutdown unless the other person is shutting me out first or not trying to hear what I’m trying to communicate. But I’m very self aware and have been working towards secure attachment for several years.
I've always been secure attachment but dating an FA made me anxious.
I was supposed to be a secure attachment person. Dating a dismissive avoidant broke me, as no amount of kindness, one-way dialog and communication can break a barrier that their core wound forced them to lift.
It's sad indeed, but there is no denying that their behavior is toxic, and no one should be treated with indifference.
This is the exact description of my boyfriend of 2 years. I know he wants so badly to open up to me, but subconsciously sabotage their relationship because they freak out that they are getting to close.
This relationship style uses intermittent reinforcement which is what keeps the cycle perpetuating and addictive qualities keeping the anxious person in anxious . So how can the anxious just simply focus on themselves if they are constantly triggered by this fearful avoidant and in survival mode. I think the anxious person deserves a right to say they will give space but the fearful must come back after a time frame so both people can feel safe and not just allow fearful to deactivate over and over again. Space isn’t going to fix the relationship and I think the goal needs to be to reduce the need to shut down in the fearful. It is harmful. Sure take a breather and re regulate but returning is so important
Yes, thank you!
Yes! I totally agree. It's a back and forth of triggering for both. There needs to be a middle ground or both need to get on that journey of being secure. Reducing space and communication is a must for both.
Set this boundary with a fearful avoidant and then they’ll pull trigger on the relationship lol 😂
@@hmanfilmsyuh
I think u hit the nail without realizing that the issue lies in the fact that as an anxious you are more afraid of losing the FA than protecting your emotional safety yourself by setting that boundary. Anxious people need to heal too, and because they don’t want to, they stay stuck in the patterns they hate and continue the same dynamic they are part of. Stop expecting others to protect ur emotional safety, and protect them yourself, it’ll make such a huge difference! (speaking as an fa that leans secure now after a lot of work and willingness to admit my own shit.)
In a marriage w a fearful avoidant. Its not good.
When, no if, they leave let them go and change the locks, move, never ever ever let them back in. Its not worth it. It does NOT get better!!
They will be picked up by some other regular guy who will find out he s in for the Ride on the Crazy Train!
Could you explain why marriage makes it worst
As a AP it is extremely difficult to do something out of the relationship, I can't even start to think what else would make me happy, I am so focused on my partner, and my world does evolve around my partner, I don't know how to not be this way. And now that my FA partner pulled away, my work, my health and everything went to shit. My mind can't think about anything else than my relationship and my partner, and I'm just waiting for the ball to drop, I'm in this constant anxious state now.
I’m the anxious attachment style dating an FA and I’m beginning to see the challenges. I enjoyed how this video gives actionable or should I say in actionable steps to supporting our fa partner. For me, giving space feels like my partner leaving me or even cheating. This is not true and I’ve learned that cheating thoughts come from an overactive imagination. People with an anxious attachment have to redirect their thoughts and to silence their overactive imagination. This can be done through 1. Believing your partner, 2. Understanding their need for space has nothing to do with you 3. Imagining the worse case scenario and seeing how life still goes on.
I love my partner and I won’t our relationship to grow and prosper. If giving her space will help us to deepen and develop our relationship, then I’m willing to do that. ❤❤❤
Update?
I didn't know this was a thing until I started researching my 1st true love and why he was the way he was. We are still friends ( we live very far apart). I finally have answers. My ex is a dismissive avoidant. I've also learned that I am an anxious attachment - these two types do not mix well. I can also be partly secure; yet I'm leaning more anxious. It's been 27 years and I finally have answers. I haven't been with any other man who has been an avoidant. I've been with anxious and secure. Secure is by far the best type of man for me. It explains why I've happily been with my husband for 18 yrs. strong. ❤
I spoiled an avoidant who was a bottomless pit of needs and attention. Any time I displayed ANY emotion (as an anxious) regarding an issue with him or me, he pulled back. So I pulled back and he didn't even notice the fewer texts or whatever...finally we break up and he blames me for EVERYTHING, even the fact he didn't even want a full time relationship anyway?! So I was neglected with him and neglected without him, so sadly no difference?!?!
I totally feel you.
This is the EXACTLY how my boyfriend is. I honestly don't know at what point to give up.
@@redd1471 give up now, it won’t change
I'm sure most are narcissists
Exactly- focus on what you value besides your partner. Hobbies, personal fulfillment, your health. You have to attract people, especially the fearful avoidant, instead of potentially chasing them away
Been in a relationship with a FA, I’m mostly secure but can on occasion get triggered. This person I know pulls away a lot so I spend a lot of time on my own. I don’t take it personally but at the same time, it’s frustrating when the pulling away comes out of nowhere-work, kids, etc will trigger him. Ultimately in a relationship we want to spend time with a person and get to deeper connections .
Since you're recognizing that you're likely going to be in an unending cycle of a relationship that is unhealthy and unfulfilling, why not just get out of it and find a much happier and healthier relationship? It doesn't sound like he will even know you're gone for several weeks. That tells you how much he values you...so move on and be happier.
EXACTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP WE WANT CLOSENESS , emotional connection, love! How the f is that a bad thing(I’m anxious) .. deep down they seek similarity but they self sabotage and then some even self destruct because the fear of sitting in their “feelings” is too real so they run to the cave. Pushing love , intimate connections away! If you research , avoidant are the LONELIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. I guess it’s their KARMMAA! Smh
Core belief of an FA is that they can't trust ..so we want someone to reach out and just let us know they still love us and want is while in the pull away stage
Okay, I have only one thing to say here that I dont agree with, as a secure person.
Having been in a relationship with a fearful avoidant who leans heavily dismissive.... they might initially gravitate toward us, but down the line they actually MISS the chaos of the dynamic with someone anxious or more avoidant. Because its what they are used to. They find it SAFE.
When faced with someone who doesn't bend in the face of their insecurities or reacts in a secure way, they don't know what to do with it. They aren't used to it. They then tell themselves stories that there is something wrong with US. Or that we will get fed up of them and leave them.
And then they'll leave anyway. They'll go seek out that emotional turmoil. The inconsistency. The toxicity. Because that's their comfort zone.
It doesn't matter then how secure you are, the pattern becomes the same. The only thing that breaks it, is the secure person is less likely to give second chances and put up with that hot and cold behaviour. Which only reinforces their self-limiting beliefs and so on, making it less likely that they will come back. At that point, they know they have to want to break the cycle and do the work. And they rarely do.
My personal experience being my FA/DA ex went straight back to his previous anxious GF. The one who lies and manipulates and encourages him to sit in his stories, the one who recreates his childhood trauma, because she knows that is the only way she can keep him. And it works. EVERY time they break up, she sits back, stays in the outside edge of his life, and waits for him to get triggered by new relationships, and each time she steps in and isolates him and puts those seeds of doubt in his head.
Being his best friend for 8 years before our relationship, I've seen her do it time and again.
And then it was my turn.
I would have had NO PROBLEM giving him space. But I would expect him to have said he needed it. And why. And not just disappeared for two weeks without a word. Because thats not how healthy secure relationships work.
And that hits on that fear of vulnerability and taking away his independence. And that's why he left.
I agree. They’re most comfortable in a toxic dynamic. A securely attached person doesn’t create that trauma bond for them, so they begin looking for flaws. The only way for this attachment style to improve is to go to therapy. A partner is not going to solve that, and anyone who tries will lose themselves trying to fix someone who needs professional help.
My avoidant ex's behaviour pushed me from secure towards anxious. Then when I started to become secure again he pushed my buttons in a massive way.
@Billy B I hear you. I understand how painful it can be. You are literally having to stare at all those fears, and the very basis of the unhealthy patterns you have been raised with, and accepting that you have to rewire those lessons in order to be who you should have been allowed to be.
That must be terrifying. But you are showing tremendous courage in facing it all, and having that determination to unpack all that fear, the triggers, the wounds and heal it. Well done for making that step. You CAN do this.
It will be a long and hard path, but take each step as it comes. Sit with it. Process the emotions, allow yourself first and foremost to be vulnerable with your self. Recognise your triggers and stories, and coping mechanisms, learn to identify the feelings within your body.
You may feel guilt, shame.... forgive yourself. Love yourself.
And I will keep you in my thoughts.
I hope you are able to heal and move forward into healthy happy relationships, with yourself and with others.
Good luck x
OMG. Something similar happened to me with his ex. Of course, it didn't work out with them. This is such a painful thing to go through.
@Billy B I am, thank you.😊
I’ve been seeing a girl for about 3 months now. It started off fireworks and now it’s playing out textbook. I’m an AP and that’s a bitch. It’s taking all my willpower not to message her because now she seems cold and distant. Last week we were like soulmates. This is killing me
You are not alone
Same here. It was perfect till he started rushing the relationship. He wanted physical intimacy immediately without the emotional connection. There were days where i would only get a "Good morning" or "Goodnight". He seemed distant when i don't see him. When he is present with me, he would want to jump into bed immediately and would seem hurt if i were to push him away. The very next day, right after setting a date with me that evening, he texted me to let me know that he no longer have any feelings for me and that we should just stay good friends. That came as a huge shock. Am still trying to recover from it
Update?
It’s the fucking worst.
It's important to mention that a lot of resistance to commitment stems from the lack of trust. I don't fear loosing independence as much as I fear being hurt (trust being broken - something used against me for example). I think there's a lot of putting people that are close to us in the parent's position, subconsciously.
Yeah, a lot of the time I am just afraid that I am being fooled into believing they care that as soon as I let someone close it will be revealed that it was just a charade.
As FA I totally agree. Mostly, it's not just fear of commitment per se. Rather, it's a deep subconscious distrust and suspiciousness - are you TRULY gonna be there for me? Are you TRULY will not betray and fool me? Definitely stems from childhood, where your main attachment figures who had to love and provide safety acted hot/cold, one day showed affection, the other ignored you, etc. So basically, you project that distrust to any attachment figure further in your life, you cannot otherwise, talking of survival mechanism. Until you go through pretty intensive therapy.
F.A n I agree, if am flakey with a person,I am not secure or sure about them n most likely don't trust them.
@@aselyne5631 yup especially since we attract unstable people a lot of the time and they really can't be trusted 😂
@@Werksonek The funny thing is our hypervigilant observations are almost always on point, if we don't trust sometimes we usually right as to why in the first place
Super amazing session ......amazing insight into fearful avoidant attachment style . Fearful avoidant folks usually end up self sabotaging their relationships
You call those relationships?
I just love this combination of yourself and Tyler. This is so true about myself an anxious avoidant and my partner a fearful avoidant. I care for him but this is truly a roller coaster. At this time am giving him his space, I'm focusing on myself and learning from this session, I'll apply this learning to my avoidant partner, to observe where this relationship will head. Right now, we're separated for a (3) weeks period and I feel a healing period is on for me and is feeling much better. l have spoken to my partner over the phone and his voice tone was a pleasant response, a happy response to a matter, not concerning us. Really, the space for me is much needed. I am chatting with you from a Caribbean country, keep doing a great job Chris and Tyler.
This video is so helpful. My ex literally turned me from being secure into anxious. He is in all these weird circumstances in life that he won't even care to explain much about them. He left me the second time a month ago, he knew I had been so nice to him and trying to build a healthy relationship with him so his excuse to breakup with me was that "I might not be his soulmate". like WTFFFF LOL The first time he left, he called it "a break", did not move out until 4 days later after he initiated breakup (we lived together) and had been keeping in touch all the way so we got back together 3 weeks later. This time he cried and said "he thought he could change but he couldn't" which broke my heart, very determined, turned cold and moved out right after a little argument we had. I'm devastated, I am heartbroken, I still am.
Few days ago when I thought I finally wanted to move on from him and felt nothing for him anymore - he reached out and send me pictures of this trip he just went on, I have been acting friendly but didn't say much. He stopped initiating conversations the next day.
AND NOW I'M TRIGGERED AND HEARTBROKEN AGAIN :(
just a week or two before he left, we were so close (I didn't push him, he came close to me on his own). He would blow dry my hair after my shower, he kissed me on my forehead in the middle of the night and he made me breakfast (he barely cooked)
I still feel like I'm in a bad dream right now and hoping he would be here right beside me one day I wake up.....
IT HURTS A LOT.
It's difficult to imagine that you were ever a Secure. You sound like the epitome of an Anxious. He is obviously just breadcrumbing and manipulating you to keep you engaged and on the hook. To put it bluntly, you'd be better off running from him and never looking back as this cycle will never change unless he kept therapy. He won't. He will be manipulatively oblivious, and you'll be a miserable and an anxious wreck. GLTU!
What ended up happening :(?
@@michaelvega3669 he kept trying to come back, I just try my best to block him on everywhere. 7 months and am still healing from it……❤️🩹
Wthhh I feel for you so much. I’ve been involved with a DA for 2 years and no other guy has caused me as much pain as him. He did the same sweet things to me as he’s done to you, wanted to be in a relationship and everything but then pulled away last minute due to fear of commitment. It’s been a week but I’ve been hurting too. Don’t worry, just work on yourself and find someone better, and not avoidant, lol. Also, it’s good not to see them as the bad guy cause tbh they’re just scared and have issues, then accidentally hurt the people they love when they get triggered. Doesn’t mean you have to put up with it though, but just hope that they get help to sort out those issues. Hang in there ❤
@@yusee2010met my FA, wonderful first date, magical for both. But then somehow he started acting avoidant already. Told him his behaviour is weird, triggered him, we parted. I felt guilty, re contacted him. We reconnected. And theeeeeen the merry-go-round started lol. I didn't pay much attention to his avoidant style tbh cos I had reconnected with my secure self and if he wanted space fine, I have a full life going on. If he wanted to meet fine I was available to him. But it got him insecure and mistrustful. How comes I'm not running after him? I think it's a ( conscious or not) trick he pulls on his partners, cos it was always as if he wanted me to chase. I didn't chase. I believe in freedom.
Anyway, I reassured him quite a few times and kept my cool when he would get triggered for things like me talking to a man 😁 but one night he lashed out cos I failed to sense he wanted to receive a text from me ( guilty of not reading minds) he got really harsh with his words. When I told him that hurts and we need to talk about it calmly he said we re gonna take a break. I called his bluff and said sure if you want. Then he got mad. I stop wanting to engage by then. Enough is enough. Good guy, great heart but too unstable of a relationship. No thank you.
Even within fearful avoidant attachment there is a spectrum. I lean more anxious and my husband leans more avoidant, but we are both fearful avoidants. I wish you would include more about the spectrum. Because my husband tends to withdrawal very quickly and my anxious side comes out and then when I get to the point where I’m starting to switch to avoidant he becomes anxious. So it’s in never ending push and pull. And that’s the situation I really wanna learn about on how to ensure his withdrawal currently is not permanent. Fearful avoidant is really its own category of attachment. But I noticed in this video you guys tend to think that all of us are more avoidant and that’s not the reality. It is a spectrum. And some of us have more anxious tendencies while others have more avoidant tendencies. This is why it’s considered to be its own category even though it has both anxious and avoidant qualities.
It’s what harville Hendrix calls the isolator and the fuser And Transactional analysis call abandonment and engulfment - this is the dynamic that plays out unless both parties work on their stuff ✨
Agree!
Absolutely! I'm currently in a relationship with an F/A and I'm happy and feeling secure. My previous relationship was also with an F/A that left me an anxious mess, mostly due to ghosting. Still I'm considering walking away tho
I think it’s about how you handle your visceral reactions, everyone can be toxic if not developed or matured. I’m not afraid of fearful avoidants.
incredible video, explanation very clear, it makes all sense
An absolutely brilliant video
Hit the nail on the head
Hey Chris, hey Tyler
I have been watching and following your channel for months now, I was extremely anxious.. especially as my bf broke up with me, i literally had done almost everything that you shouldn't do after a break up😂😂 soon enough i found your videos and many others about the theory of attachment etc and i educated myself on the topic, i also applied so many of your techniques that i am familiar with, zeigarnik effect, when they pull away you pull away, and many others, also and especially the secure gravity theory where i genuinely worked on becoming more secure and as i was watching your video i realized that my ex (who has come back btw) ended up pulling away again, it has been a month since I "left him alone", I honestly don't know what's going on with him, smth triggered him somehow, anyway.. i feel no anxiousness despite that anymore.. genuinely felt that secure aspect in me, I feel like I am already a success story ! thank you guys
Update?
You guys are really the best to explain and love listening to your videos! ❤️
This couldn’t have come to me at a more critical time of my life I think I’ve listened to it 37 times. Definitely gives me some hope…Much appreciated…very much considering coaching
This is so insightful! Thank you so much for sharing this video guys!! Great information for someone like me. ❤
Thank you for what you're doing with these videos. I now understand what I couldn't during the last year...
My partner said something similar- that it’s a process and I seem like I need more.
This video was very helpful ❤
I so needed to hear this today LOL.... Anxious in recovery :D
I took a quiz and found out I am a FA. I see the patterns I have as a FA. I may be terrified of love and like Chris says pull back when I get close. It does not mean that I won't continue to work towards something healthy. I call it spiraling upward. Learning my attachment style helps me know I am not crazy I just have been really hurt really young. As these unconscious patterns become known to me (through counseling and videos) I feel for the first time I get to choose
how I want to be AND I can communicate this to my partner who then is reassured . It may sound easy on paper though it is very challenging. I think there are more insecurely attached people out there than secure and it is up to us insecurely attached people to do something about it. I am not a mean person just a work in progress. So for you other insecure attached people out there do not give up hope and learn your own style so you know what you bring to the table and have joy in the process. Also I have learned to ask God to help me when I deactivate and that is very emotionally comforting.
Thank u for your comment it was enlightening
@@takota2feather I am glad. Good luck on your relationship journey. 😊
Such a great video! Thank you…
What rang true for me was the statement about how the FA will wear down the securely attached over a long period of time. I've been dealing with it for 7 years, and I finally got tired of it. If some progress had been made, I could've stuck it out, but none has. I had hoped that, like you gentlemen said, he'd learn from me, but he's clearly too wounded. Only therapy (or coaching) can help him. ✌🏻
Incredible explanations 🙏 thankyou so much
This is hands down, the best explanation, and insight into these personality types...
I know myself enough to know how correct you are...
You're an FA?
Excellent thank you. I'm anxious and it's helped me very much.
I’m AP dealing with a DA or FA (he seems to have aspects of both). It’s soooo hard to be patient in between communications, especially since he was so quick to communicate in the beginning. I want that back ☹️
@Galá I just mirror the behavior and go and focus on stuff going on in my life or work, hobbies, education, self love etc.
It's a bit funny, because he will come back and see all the stuff I've done in the in-between meantime while he is still cycling through his cycles and hasn't really accomplished much in any area.
They are in a rut and I am free to pursue whatever.
I've been dealing with this the last two years, but I am also 44 years old and I've been married and divorced and I never had kids or anything.
You seem young and I would say it would be best to find a more suitable partner if you're wanting a family situation or anything more stable.
Don't short change your life on accounts of someone else's limitations.
This arrangement works for me at this time in my life. Would have been detrimental in my younger years.
I wish you all the best in life and happiness ❤️
This videos incredible
This video is great
So impressed by the quality of the information in this video! And also several of the avoidant videos on this site. What is the name of the guy being interviewed?
Sooooo spot on !
I'm a combination. It's not that I don't want love, my soul screams for it constantly; I'm afraid of it because every important relationship resulted in abuse by people who said they love me. I don't really believe that people can love me. They lie. Don't get me wrong, I love making people feel loved, even if they are abusive. It's how I get my fulfillment, I just don't trust when people think they love me. I operate on the mentality that they might have a history of pain and that's what I'm encountering and trying to show them they are lovable. I was abused throughout my childhood and my entire adulthood was spent in 2 abusive marriages. I'm 54 and my entire life I've been abused and unloved
You described my ex. We’re soulmates until a point… then he started to get strange, si i broke up… then I realized that I was to quick, I wanted to discuss and clear but he said he doesn’t want. We’re not in contact since Sept, I broke the nc twice, he wrote back very cold, I went in nc again and after another 30 days he contacted my little daughterwith “happy birthday”…. Before this day it was my birthday, he was quiet. I respected this.
Tyler at 13:30 nails is ! This video helped me understand my attachment and fear of abandonment. I’ve been seeing (or sort of lol) a beautiful FA woman. These dynamics are all very real. It is a bitch ! This video has helped me so much !
Dude. Same. Lol. Beautiful FA. Tough 🤣
These are all great explanations and I am learning to keep busy while he needs space. I used to take it personally but I learned not to which helps. He is also working on giving me a heads up rather than just ghosting when he needs space. This seems healthier. Still not ideal but much better.
How long have you 2 been together?
@@avenuempire almost 2 years without a title on and off but we talk every day. Known him for 30yrs
Reconnected 2 years ago
@@kandicemorgan3733 thanks for the update. Do you remember the first time he broke up with you/ pulled away? How long in until that happened..if you remember? And how long until he came back
@@avenuempire it was about the 2 month mark and I am stubborn and don't take no for an answer. Once he figured out that I knew what he was doing then he had to get creative about his exits. He even made up a girlfriend once. He put me in friend zone last year and brings me out occasionally. Just don't take everything personally. And don't be defensive towards him. And watch more videos. They help.
How are things going now?
As a FA, this is 1000% accurate.
This was very interesting thank you
I think I’m secure and fearful avoidant but when I know the person is who I want to be with I ignore my disgust and dislike of them when it pops up after a few months and I just stick with it and push through and then everything is fine. It lasts about a month in new relationships.
You are so right for me I grew up with parents that enclosed me and gave me responsibilities at a very early age now everytime someone talks about marriage I get scared that am gonna lose my independence then I do my best to avoid that person. I don't know how to get out of the feeling
It's so painful to watch that ... I was going through the same experience , I wish I would know that way before.
This video was so helpful! I’m an anxious attachment and the guy I’m dating is a fearful avoidant. I know he’s going through a lot right now and I recently tried to push him to communicate better with me and we keep in touch everyday. He just told me a couple days ago that he missed me and wanted to get together soon. Then I didn’t hear from him yesterday and I’m freaking out, afraid that he’s losing interest and going to leave me. I haven’t pushed contact and will just wait to see if he reaches out - which he typically does after pulling away. This video definitely calmed my anxiety and I’m thankful for the message from both of you! I might have to watch this a couple times a day and let it sink in until he reaches out…hopefully he will.
I’ve been working towards being more secure, gave him his space and have been super understanding. Not forcing him to communicate and he just called saying how much he missed me and that he wants to work things out. We’ll see what happens next but this is the first step. There might be hope after all. Hang in there all my fellow Anxious Attachers!❤️
How did things turn out?
@@nicholassanders9126 When I backed off, he called saying he wanted us to work. We’ve been pretty good and spending more time together. We’ve been working on communicating our needs to each other (in a respectful, non-accusatory manner). I’m just trying to work on what I can control, which is how I react to things. I’m trying to be more self aware and go against what my anxious self wants me to do, which is so hard but things aren’t ever as bad as what I imagine when I’m feeling anxious. Thank you for asking! Love is tough, stay strong lol! 💪🏽Hope things are going well for you!
@@shitherdadsays9296 ugh.. my gf and I broke up after a bad fight about two months ago and didn’t talk for 2 weeks… then started talking for about three weeks but she was really hot and cold… kept saying she was in love with me and wanted to work on it but then would ghost and block the next day saying she was very lost and confused… about two weeks ago she said she wanted nothing to do with me and wanted to cut ties out of no where but has been blocking and unblocking me, watching my stories on IG, adding descriptive songs to shared Spotify lists for me to see… but when I txt her she just reads it but doesn’t reply… it’s all very confusing and I’m unsure of what to do… haven’t tried no contact yet but I fear after 2 months of back and forth it’s too late…. Any opinions on it?
@@shitherdadsays9296 I’m anxious and she’s fearful avoidant too…
The guy in the blue top is amazing....seriously
How can we tell if a fearful avoidant person actually wants you, especially after they’ve ended it with you?
Good question
Due to that much of instability in a person, usually you can expect them to reach out, though often they will make it look just like a "friendly" act.
Why did they end it? Am an F.A and trust me we don't just wake up and end relationships, something happened
@@aselyne5631isn't this video explaining that FA and DA end relationships when there isn't a valid reason to do so???
I'm a FA. I constantly work really hard on myself.. Like constantly. I think if you're aware it's not a lost cause. I feel like I'm actually more in tune with other people's emotions sometimes.
This was so helpful. I am anxious and my girlfriend pulls away every single time we talk about moving out together. Our relationship is amazing up until we begin that talk again. No clue how to get around this though. If somebody reads this that can help us to overcome this gap I would love to hear it
Literally this is what happened with my ex. Crazy spot on we were going through a tough spot where his family started hating my family and I was trying to fix it and I think I overstimulated him and he broke up with me. I have gone no contact just to give both of us space and that’s where we are. I hope he gets better for himself because he is going through a lot. Ima just work on myself and wish him well
Did he come back eventually? Your situation is similar to mine
@@someonesaid2170 sorry to say this but no he didn’t come back it’s been 2 months I think I kinda stopped caring. I got on dating apps and started dating and now I’m talking to someone who seems like he has his life together. I kinda blocked my ex and unfriended him on everything I realized I was a punching bag for a situation I didn’t cause so I’m glad that is over.
@@kayraalvarez4013 You're right, you do deserve better. I just feel very sad for my FA man because I'm aware of what caused him to be like this. Maybe I just care too much. Thanks for sharing!
It's been nine months since my FA ex monkey branched to another after four years with me.. He offered friendship. I said "no" and let him go without a tear. NC forever for me. I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself. I have finally healed through hours of inner work, and moved on with my life. I still watch these videos as they are so very educational in learning about attachment theory. Never again. Although I still have love for him, I have learned to love myself more. I wish him well, and sincerely hope he heals and finds happiness. I would not go through the confusion and heartbreak again.
On point… you nailed it…my bf is a Fearful Avoidant …. I learned to give him space when he is pulling back…. It takes a few days for him to recover….. i can feel when he is about to pull away….. he also likes to help me/others, but doesn’t want me/others to help him….I’ve also noticed that he doesn’t feel worthy…and he has fear of losing independence.
But now…. Should I talk about him that I’m aware of his situation…I’m a secure person and I’ve notice that his trust in me is growing by the week
Wow, your boyfriend literally sounds like mine. To the T. I would love to learn how to deal with these shifts and how to detect them.
@@jessicaperez4763 It isn’t easy being with a FA. How long have you been with your boyfriend?
@@sakuranbo4151 4.5 years
I literally tried to help mine and she said "you think I can't do it without your help?" I was like wtf that was so random considering all she wants is to help others. It also made her pull back
Me and my boyfriend are both fearful avoidant clearly. Somehow we manage to fall in love. And we literally take turns going back-and-forth on a daily basis. It's exhausting but it's intense. I'm starting to feel secure and we are starting to learn proper communication. He says we are addicted to each other. He's not wrong. ❤
FA here. Good general video.
I can swing depending on the partner. The key to avoiding the ups and down for me is a partner being consistent and/or when things come up that alter the consistency is to just make it known. Being considerate is huge…keeps the trust. I don’t care about changes but knowing there is stability helps or if there is a change that one would say it.
FAs can be really great. Focus on building trust through communication and transparency around what’s on your mind. Chaos is not something I wanted it’s just what life gave us when growing up. We want to avoid it. Alone time really is that time to decompress, think things through, and make sure we have our head on straight. Taking time to respond has helped me a ton. I leaned slightly more AP then DA. As FAs, we truly have to relearn a ton and really might not know the impact unless you explain what’s happening on your end as well.
Folks have to remember we often grew up in chaos and likely had trauma. We just want safety and sometimes don’t know how to get it. Retreating can be the safe space. Anyhow,, everyone needs to learn to be secure rather than blame any other attachment style. APs absolutely make me lean more dismissive while DAs made me more anxious. I can say I would date a DA again before an AP b/c I really do like my independence. Had I not gone AP, I’m pretty sure I’d be still be with the DA…Although I’m happy I did, so I could see the work I needed to do. I plan on keeping that as I continue my road to secure journey. We all were born alone (except twins) and will likely die alone. A level of independence is necessary.
Shucks, I feel like i messed everything up being anxious and him being a FA and an extreme introvert. this describes us to a T. i tried being there fixing things for him.. I didn't understand why he wouldn't let me help. now hes gone, I hope following your program will help me get him back. I feel like I def helped drive him away
@Billy B I stopped trying to get him back. Found out later from multiple professionals hes either a covert narcissist or a malignant narcissist. I was strongly encouraged to cut him out of my life which Ive done the best ive could via us working together.
@@xxstein9997 possibly covert narcissist or possibly codependent. They’re two sides to the same coin. Either way, you cannot help them. Only conscious and ongoing introspection on their own part will ever make a difference. Unfortunately, that is the exact thing their maladaptive behavior is working to suppress.
It is not your fault. Cut him out of your life. He will never change, and you cannot help him. If you try to help him, you will find yourself years or even decades down your journey of this beautiful life, but yours will not be so beautiful. It will be a series of broken hopes and dreams and an incredible hurtful heart.
I am fearful avoidant, I would say emotional chaos is correct.. certainly emotional something, I often feel distress. I can have arguments in relationships or in life, and obviously they are upsetting but generally as long as it’s not a sensitive topic I feel the same in an argument as I guess anyone else does. But the relationship issues and pressure is a different feeling, continuous thoughts, some sort of tension around my nose and eye, a bit nauseous, appetite and sleep go strange, unusual thoughts. A lot of comments about avoidants upset me because there’s this sense of it being bad behavior. No, literally sick over it. And rooted in being a victim.
I feel so sad for a FA actually, to have so much trauma, I'm a AP and it's so hard for me to be with an FA, it hurts so bad, but I do feel empathy for my FA partner.
I recently felt myself pull away. And it wasn't because I was afraid of getting hurt. It was because I was afraid of hurting the other person in case I can't love them the way they deserve
This is how my woman feels, and I am learning to love her the way she needs to be loved and have patience cause she is worth it. I just try to be consistent and remind her how I'm here for her and things will be better as time goes on, and that she can trust me. May take a couple yeara but she is worth it.
@@RealtorDaveVanNus best thing is, let her know that you're there for her and then let her come at her own pace. I fucked that up in my last relationship.
Just let her do her own stuff and when she needs you and wants your time, just be there for her without her feeling like there are strings attached.
It's way easier for someone, who isn't sure that they can be persistent with the love they give, to give their love if they know it won't be a problem in case they aren't able to give it from time to time
I never knew much about attachment theory until my recent ex. I think he is an FA. He was absolutely amazing the first 4 months. Then he shut down. To me it came out of no where. He blocked me for a month then came back saying he made a huge mistake and wanted to work on us. His actions and words always align regardless if he is being wonderful or completely cold.
Anyhow apparently the dance began the 2nd round. Hit round 3 and I started googling things. At first I thought maybe he's a narcissist, but he was way to thoughtful kind and that didn't line up. We are on round 5 now and I am blocked. Depressed and became very anxious. This last time he went from wanting to only see and be with me, to not wanting to see me again in two weeks. I know I shouldn't miss him or want him but I do. After reading so much about FAs, it sounds pretty hopeless. People describe this as a roller coaster. It absolutely is. I have more questions than answers. I know I tried to be patient with him, until I imploded. I think I do lean anxious preoccupied or this has made me that way. My prior relationship was a 13 year marriage. This is just awful, I just want the guy back that I was falling for.
Also he deactivates for weeks. Not days. Usually 4-6 weeks.
Please try and see you dodged a bullet. This would have carried on and on and on.
update?
@@unaivanovska9820 he tried to come back for round 6. I cussed him out and he blocked me again.
Most important point is somewhere around 27 min mark
Fearful avoidants pull anxious and avoidant. In my first relationship, i think we were both fearful avoidant. I pulled more anxiously, and he was both. But in the end, i didn't get the pull away and then the closeness, so i felt like i could marry him, i got so scared. I really loved this person so much. But the attachment mixed with poor communication on my end ended the relationship 😢.
I'm FA, not the same as when I was young, I had several experiences on my own (living abroad, overcoming challenges, etc) that changed me and made me grow and become more secure (not much in romantic relationships but I'm aware and fight those fears).
I have noticed that for me the key point is the intensity of the feelings I have for someone. In the past, really old past, if I had strong feelings for someone I would have left the relationship at the first sight (in my head) of being left, so I used to break up first. If the feelings were not that strong, I would start to feel like in a cage and break up anyway 😢
In the adult life I didn't have many relationships, just 2 (I don't go around searching for someone, I have a really hard time actually liking someone and I'm so used to be alone). First one when he started to watch out for a house/flat, in my head the only thing that came up was "nooo, I already have my house!!" , and in the end the feelings changed and we broke up (well, he was on the same page actually), but we are still friends.
The second one, recent, was with another FA (I started to notice the same patterns I used to do and much more): I panicked right after we decided the date for the first date and disappeared for 3 days (the only thing I wanted to do was to take the plane and disappear forever), I started fighting those thoughts and then came back normalized. He started sabotaging several times and I was patient, the last month he was all "I love you here, I love you there, i care so much for you, etc" and then he got triggered, tried to sabotage again and then he pulled away saying he was bad, he was only making me suffering and so on...
I've always been secure til the FA. We've done push/pull...hot/cold for 2 yrs now! He finally told me he loves me & we were on fire for 2 weeks! Then one evening he was just not texting me as much. He had told me earlier in the day he was stressed but he was OK & loved me. So that evening he wasn't texting as much & I wasn't feeling good anyway so my emotions were high! He said i had nothing to worry about that nothing was wrong but I still got upset & told him he was treating me like crap! Next thing i know I'm blocked & have been for over a month now. I have no idea if he will ever reach out again & I'm not sure if he does if i can go thru all that hurt again when he blocks me! Plus he posted a pic of him & another girl the day after he blocked me! Talk about another punch to the gut!
That's exactly what my friend did went into a shell pulled away,I'm realizing I sent a txt at a time when she was under stress & she lost it
Man, where are the emotional available people at? This is too much!
They’re like unicorns apparently.
Right here 👋🏼😄
@@nappyfries Well I guess I'm just one in a million... Sound like I'm f**ked! Lol!
I’m an anxious person who learned to be secure so I feel you there 💀 very few people do the work to fix their problems
just realized i’m fearful avoidant
Same! Not sure if I should laugh or cry!
I am the anxious one and have to wait which is not my perk to say the least.
So is it safe to leave the situation until they reach out?
What if as an anxious person you bombarded them with texts ? Will they still come back if you stop ? Will it take longer then a few days? I feel like I really screwed things up. He ended things out of nowhere through a text message. Basically I was putting too much pressure to spend time with me.
How do we sign up with Tyler? Don't see a link for that
I'm reading the comments and curious to know...
Are there any successful stories when dealing with a FA?? Doesn't seem like there's one.😔
Guys I am one and I’m sorry I don’t know how to change I don’t want to hurt anyone but I don’t want to be alone so I try 😭
Acknowledge that you didn't have the best upbringing and recognise that your fears of love or closeness are only a perception. That person that is loving you may feel too close but it's merely because you may have not received this from your parents or parent to start with. 😬
@@-taylor-9980 Ty I found someone not to long after writhing that!
I feel like most of the commenters should really have a care to ask anyone they are interested in, if they have a history of being abused and have the integrity to tell that person that you're a narcissist who lacks both the maturity to be able to have a relationship with someone who's ever experienced something traumatic, and the intelligence to know how to help them heal. Js
When the fearful avoidant pulls away does that result in reregulation of their nervous system?
Ladies, please know that when they pull away they are with the other women. It becomes a pattern. This happened to me. The other woman knew someone I know and mentioned the trouble she was having with a man she had been seeing for almost a year .It turned out to be my fiance she was seeing. After she found out about me she bocked him and dumped him . I also left him. I lost respect and complete trust in him. I wanted to die when I found this out. I miss him but not much anymore knowing that he was a fake BF not the man I believed he was. It was a 3 and a half year relationship. I cannot wait to meet a real man. Pease pray I meet someone soon who will treat me right?
I’m definitely anxious in attachment style and my FA ex was triggered when I finally accepted that he loved me. He was so full on and forward and serious and would always ask me to tell him i accept his love which I found hard to do and one day I did and he left the day after during an argument where I said he hadn’t been there for me which hurt me cos he almost always was before and that he let me down and he just freaked saying not ready not able to do this that I need to much from him etc he needs space. I am now left so mad at myself for liking someone more than they like me. For letting someone slowly persuade me to trust them and believe in their love just to be mugged off. I’m past the stage of being sad and begging for him back and now I’m just pissed off that someone like this enjoyed the chase and the challenge of gaining my trust but then freaked out and disappeared as soon as I did.
Oh my days that sounds awful, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling except I can relate so much as in my FA ex got triggered as soon as commitment got brought onto the table.
Sounds to me like you're an FA yourself. Your partner worked hard on building the trust and then you go blame him for not being there for you once. So basically they need to be perfect at all times? Maybe you should take accountability for your own needs? Are you there for yourself always?
@@sunbeam9222 I fully took accountability for my unhealthy behaviour and apologised and explained how I am and how I’ve been working on it but he didn’t want to talk anything through or try he said that feeling as if he wasn’t good enough broke up with me on the phone and refused to speak any further. When getting into the relationship we discussed heavily that I am very anxious and we discussed my traumas triggers etc and he accepted them and said that we’d work on them together. Perhaps I have some fearful as well as anxious but to assume I haven’t taken any accountability for my flaws isn’t true.
@@mirandaread5447 I'm sorry for you experiencing that. Maybe he felt defeated cos you said you accepted that he loves you and next day blamed him for not being there I am not blaming you here, it's your feelings and you're totally entitled to express them) but he probably felt nothing will ever lchange then and decided to exit pronto DA's way. I truly hope you find peace, and love.
What if my ex was very anxious during the relationship & is now fearful avoidant?
He also wants to be friends.😢
Fearful avoidants pull away for 2 reasons. Number one is fear of getting hurt. Number 2 is for the same reasons as the dismissive avoidant. We don’t like being smothered or feel like we are losing ourselves. We don’t want to fully give ourselves over to someone.
I am a fearful avoidant and I'm courting someone currently. I didn't know I was fearful avoidant till this video, I have went back and forth with courting her and recently told her I want to try to push through this but everytime I am not around her, I think about why I don't want to commit and that I want her to be with someone who can and how I want to go through counseling first, how I want to travel first because I feel like I haven't lived life yet and I'm not ready to commit till then but then I fear if I'm missing out on the right one that God designed for me, so is their any advice you can give?
Is it normal for any kind of avoidant to not tend to write "Good morning" texts?
Also, how is it possible that an avoidant is the one courting someone to begin with?
I turned to other aspects of my life in order to cope with their avoidant style. It works very well, I am lucky to enjoy lots of things outside a relationship but then he decided I was not there for him. So I am supposed to chase and he gets to decide when to reciprocate or not. That's stupid. Makes no sense.
18:00 ish does this apply if they block you tho? i tried texting after like 4+ days and it didn’t get delivered
I’m terrified I will get a message saying it’s over. I’m so anxious I want to massage first as I’m angry we are in this position again. One minute hot and heavy and the next I feel like a chore. I know it’s not me. He’s over tired/stressed. Makes him pull away. He promised he wouldn’t split with me again. We’ve been back together for 6 months. So do i challenge him or will it make him leave me? We don’t live together.
Tremendous
Hi how much space do they need.i want to already and it's o ly into two weeks ty
I'm looking to call because I'm missing him is two weeks to soon?
Great & interesting video! What to do when you've slept a few times with your FA ex-boyfriend who broke up with you months ago? I told him my boundary (I don't want to have sex out of a relationship) because he kept flirting a lot. He accepted my decision. I Didn't expect him to reach out anymore but he did text me a few times. It's always about helping me with some things or to lend me something & then we have a conversation for a few days. Because he does not directly ask to meet, I assume that he does not really want this & I do not contact him by myself. I don't want to keep myself on a leash so wonder if this is the right method? I didn't see him for almost 3 weeks now, so not sure if he has some interest left.
You've answered your own question...you already broke your own rules by sleeping with him outside of relationship. Now, what leverage do you have? To save yourself the grief, just leave the FA in the dust.
Stop sleeping with this man. Change your boundaries: not "I don't want to have sex out of a relationship" to "I WILL NOT engage in sexual activity with you unless we are married." Period. When you keep having sex with him, he has no reason to change, and you continue to set yourself up for heartbreak. He is not going to change. Don't keep yourself on a leash. When he asks you to help him with something, encourage him to find one of his male friends to help. Stop lending him things. Don't engage with him, or he will use you every time. He will always have "interest" in you as long as he can ultimately get what *he* wants: sex. Move on.
Great video and an important topic that very few others in relation to attachment styles have covered. I'd like to share a couple of thoughts to this. As an anxious preoccupied, I was down in the dirt 4 months ago when my fearful avoidant ex suddently left me without much warning beforehand. That was according to her, a loss of attraction due to "lack of experimentation" in the bedroom and me disagreeing with her feministic viewpoints. After being triggered by her warning shot, I decided to pull back myself by setting a boundary - by asking her to take a train instead of me driving her to a place where she had an appointment. She literally took tthat as a "get out of my life" message. Reading this that can be hard to understand, with from her FA perspective it definately looked like that was my intention. She broke up via text after having entered the train and wrote "I'm not good at the untold, so I'm telling you that we will never see each other again, this was a very uncomfortable ending to what I thought was a mature talk we had last night". If some of you know FA's you'll know that they tend to "quit" before they get "fired". My way of pushing her bottons like that was not fair by me as I wanted to set a boundary by giving her time to miss me. Back then I had no idea what an FA was, so I had no idea that I was playing with fire.
Now 4 months later and one reachout later (2 months ago where she politely rejected me writing that she had to be there for someone close to her, so it wasn't a good time to chat". At this point I've almost given up and won't reach out again, however a big reason why is that my FA ex most likely also has a mild grade of covert nacissism. This topic caught my eyes by accident but after intense studies of narcissism over the last month, I realized that my ex's way of behaving while we were dating were not just FA-like but clear traits of covert narcissism. There were way too many traits for me to cover here, but the classic idealization, devaluation and discard. I've learned that these phases are almost inevitable if you date even a low grade narcissist like my ex and raises the question: Should you even want them back then? Without answering that, I'd like people to look this stuff up if they think that their ex didn't behave quite normal during the dating phases, broke of out of nowhere and was difficult to communicate with on several levels and exploided dominant controllnig behavior in several areas. I'd recommend the work of Doctor Ramani on YT as well as Stephanie Lynn. Not all relationships are worth revisiting.
Message that number on watsapp if you seriously want to restore your relationship ❣️❣️
Many FAs not only have insecure attachment, but also BPD (borderline personaility disorder) is very common with them. I am certain my FA/DA ex has Quiet BPD. She displayed literally every symptom to a tee.
Sometimes people will mistake BPD for NPD. There is overlap but definitely not the same. Worth looking up if you are with or have been dumped by an FA
@@niktendo2000 Thanks. Well I actually already have. What I went through back then and really sent me on a journey of discovery and led to intense self development, theraphy and studies in psychology and mental health. There is a very high likelihood that my ex had borderline. She definitely had had all the main traits. Prof. Sam Vaknin's teachings has contributes greatly to this knowleadge, and I can advice on listening to his lessons on YT on BPD and much more.