Reasons Why Fearful Avoidants Reach Out After a Breakup
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- Опубликовано: 23 ноя 2020
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In this video, I talk about some of the reasons why a fearful avoidant might reach out after a breakup. Fearful avoidants are one of the hardest attachment styles to figure out because of their mixed signals! I hope this video helps you understand why they might call or text after your relationship ended. Enjoy!
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Thank you for watching!
So correct my ex was an fearful avoidant and he didn’t like to open up about his emotions during our relationship although I knew he loves me,but he was surprisingly insecure,like If I couldn’t see he called for few times because I was busy he totally was like “you don’t love me anymore or what you doing” and he broke up with me suddenly in a very cold manner,after 60 days of no contact he reached out crying and he said he doesn’t know what to do and kept breadcrumbing for 2 months to the point I stood for myself and I said enough is enough,fast forward 9 months after breakups he never was truly open and I couldn’t force him to be,so if you deal with FA don’t blame yourself,if someone doesn’t want to work on a relationship,there is nothing to do about it
Any change?
Damn, that was sad to read. Bitter, but sweet ending? Hope you doing better now. And I hope all FAs out there can learn to get better and find love 👍
wow, strangely similar experience.
Thank you for sharing. This is where I am. My FA of 6 months blocked me after I vocalized that I needed more effort. I need to let him go. I will keep giving him everything for breadcrumbs back.
@@HaloHuntress that sounds a bit Dismissive of him, less fearful.
She kept me at an emotional arms length for a while, but I know our love for each other was very real. It was just too real and it scared the hell out of her.
It’s amazing to hear a total stranger explain my relationship behaviour in such detail!
I know! I wish I found this information sooner it explains literally everything!
I am a secure person (from tests) who recently walked away from a four year relationship/situationship with a FA. He wanted to be friends. I said no. Remaining friends makes no sense to me. I will start to date again in the future. I don't think a new boyfriend would welcome an ex hanging around as a friend. I guess the FA's mindset was just too much for me to understand. It was exhausting and didn't make sense. I have been in NC forever for a month. I am beginning to be happy again. To each his own. Avoidants are not for me. Never again!
I feel your pain, I wasted five years. These people are horrible. I don’t care if they’re sick, they shouldn’t be out in the dating world. I regret meeting him.
It really is very hard. It's upsetting that they put people through it but yet won't do anything to change
Hi your comment is 6 months old, give us a life update
@@sawley121 I haven’t seen my ex person since he left. We have texted a few times, mostly to wish happy birthdays, holidays. I have no idea what he is doing. I do hope he is happy. I will probably always have love for him, but I realize that a relationship would not work. My life is fine. I have family, friends, activities, etc. I am not dating at this point, but it is a possibility. I might add that my ex and I are seniors. Perhaps we can be friendly, if not actual friends in the future. I know he would always by there if I needed him. I would do the same for him.
Intro ends at 2:32
Thanks
😘
Oh thanks..those are a bit annoying
Thank you!
@Alexander Dakota no, we dont care..
I was FA/DA when I got to PDS and I am friends with almost all my exes. I'm also the one who reaches out first, forever the bridge-builder. It's typically harder for me to let go of the friendship than the romantic relationship. As always, Thais is right on point!
@@evanking5890 actually, FAs run around filling up everyone else's cup and often leave ourselves out of the equation. We don't have any love left to give ourselves. So yes, I contributed to an unhealthy dynamic, but it takes two for things to be unhealthy. Only one of my partners left and he was DA. Neither of us could communicate about what we wanted. I have no regrets about ending any of the relationships I left. They weren't a good fit, but that doesn't mean they aren't good people. In every scenario both parties (my partners and I) I had a lot of work to do. As a result of doing the work in the courses, I'm far more secure now because I'm not afraid to speak up and I don't fear commitment. Both people need to take accountability for their insecurities, and both need to show up for themselves before they can show up for anyone else.
@@evanking5890 I'm sorry you and your partner struggled, that's hard. FAs push-pull because they exhibit both AP and DA attachment styles. And DAs cam be people-pleasing. Thais has several very informative videos about the 5 types of FAs and 4 types of DAs. Definitely worth checking out. Best of luck to you in 2021. Hopefully the new year brings you love, laughter, and light!
Do you have any suggestions to attract an ex who's FA whos deactivating?
Omg thus is so me I had an ex once tell me I valued the friendship more than the relationship, he was not wrong tbh I felt relieved when the relationship ended because I couldn't finally breath easy not waiting for the other show to drop but now obviously being in the school is helping alot with isolating these dynamics and the reasonimg behind my actions, thankyou for the reminder abouts FAs often exhibiting both DA and AP tendencies because I recently took the quiz again and it favoured DA.
@@deannadolan5119 totally agree with you, it still takes effort from 2 people, yes FAs we contribute to unhealthy dynamics but it would be so mu h easier if the other party gave so much more
5:24 Thank you so much for saying that this threatening / breaking up really undermines the trust. Especially if done in a sudden and cruel way and repeatedly
Amen, you’re so right. It still hurts thinking about it.
If there are problems in a relationship:
Anxious attachment: Will do everything they can to fix any problems
Avoidant attachment: Will worry problems arren't fixable and fear the relationship not lasting anyway, so they give up.
There is nothing more painfull than your lover giving up on you. I can't understand it, because I loved her so much I would have NEVER given up on her. Even considering giving up on someone really means you don't love them.
I hurt really bad, but she never loved me the way I loved her anyway, so it's for the best
I have to agree to disagree, sometimes giving up starts when there’s no effort or want to work on yourself + the relationship. Specially, if the other person has been vocal multiple times about what’s not working/what they need, etc.
@@sf99939 She hasn't been vocal, she always acted like everything was fine!
@@nielsdaemensame man same even worse she did ended it after a month of long distance in april then until june we talked frequently even called and FaceTimed alot but now its August and i am gonna travel europe alone even though this trip we somewhat planned to do together and i all i know since July is that she started the trip a month earlier than we originally planned to
Thank you, this was extremely helpful 🙏✨🤍
your knowledge is amazing
Thais, thank you for sharing your immense knowledge 💞 I have grown and healed so much since watching your videos
I’d love the post break up friendship video! That’s something that I’m trying to phase out of because for the other person, it doesn’t seem healthy or that they can take their emotions as well
literally just watched a video about this lol ruclips.net/video/lWiOpz2W6N4/видео.html
No healthy you can’t trust an FA, why would you wanna be friends with them?
Great video! Spot on!
Thais is absolutely wonderful. She has given me closure
Wow this is so accurate!
AP here, dealing with what I guess would be described as a break up from “friends”, with an FA. We have a good connection, in my opinion. He agreed that the connection was there, in the beginning. Long story short, after our second “date”, he ended up freaking out and telling me the vibe was off. I believe he found any reason to explain off why we wouldn’t work. He wanted to remain friends though, which really hurt and confused me. I held out hope that he would eventually come around and realize we could have been very good together. He told me he never would. Why does he talk to me all day, every day? How can he just forget all the things he felt when we first met? I tried to make it work, but it ended up causing fight after fight, and now we are no contact. I’m really struggling to let go and move on, but it hurts! I still feel like there’s hope, even though he’s told me there isn’t. 😭
What happened in the past 8 months?
Similar story here, wonder how yours turned out?
Don't contact him, he probably feels smothered, I don't think you wanna make him feel that way. Move on with your life and if the connection was there, he will contact you. But don't force it now, coz you pressure someone into being with you. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun, not work.
@kelsea how did things turn out? I'm in a similar situation and this would be of much help. :)
Finally updating:
After no contact, we became friends once Facebook again and I could see he was already talking to someone else, and at the time I was very jealous, comparing myself and all of the self degradation you would expect. But with time, I continued my life, and began ti realize with more self realization that the amazing connection I thought we had, was at the expense of my authenticity and my boundaries. So all in all, I do not miss him and I see now that he was not the man for me. He did hit me up a great deal at one point in time for “booty calls”, which I always ignored, and he started to act a little anxious about the rejection i could tell. Even deleted me on Facebook one day I noticed! Seems like he’s still go some issues to sort out on his end.
There’s no hope for these people. They are effed up. You can’t be friends with them, you can’t even trust them to be in a relationship much less a friend every time we broke up he would text me every single day like nothing happened. Weird I’m not perfect but I made a huge mistake. Going out with an FA and I will be more aware next time.
Please do the post break up friendship video! Not only "how to know if an FA is trying to be friends after a relationship", but a helpful video for FAs too about how to deal with it, how to reprogram this.
It seems like I can’t process the thought that I couldn't still be friends with the person I broke up with. As another comment stated, for him (and outsiders) it seemed unhealthy or he couldn't understand it. We had no contact, but after we got in touch which lead to some weird situations as it restarted some feelings on his side but I only wanted to keep up the friendship. I know he went trough a lot during this and I tried to help as I could… I felt horrible wanting to be friends and keep hurting him… Even though he was the one who reached out almost every time, he kept wanting to put an end to it because he thought it was impossible to be friends with someone you were in a relationship with and that it would sure interfere with our future partners (as in no one would accept a partner to be friend with their ex). I couldn’t bear it whenever he said we should become strangers; I just can’t imagine throwing out the connection we built and fear to see him/talk to him…
What’s weird is that it didn’t hurt when we spoke less or none at all, but it broke me every time I heard that we shouldn’t think of each other as a friend. It’s like if I don’t know that we should forget about each other and the connection slowly fades away it doesn’t bother me…but when it is said out loud it breaks me and makes me want to hang onto it. I know I have to work on this as it might not be healthy, but I don’t know how…I would appreciate a video on this.
Thank you whoever read this.
I’ve been thinking about this for years- can you stay friends with an ex you broke up with, without misunderstandings and waking up the old spark- I have an ex and we used to have amazing conversations, then I got scared and ran for dear life because things started to get to step on my wounds. Sometimes I wonder how he is and hard not to contact him, just to know that he is happy in his life.
I think I can relate to your story even if I just ran through this story only in head x
@@melindanagy-sinka2807 Thank you for sharing part of your story too :) I am really sorry you went through something this difficult....I am not totally clear if in your situation you're afraid that staying friends may wake up the old spark in both partners or just one? It is truly a difficult a delicate situation. To be honest I do like to believe that the friendship could be possible, once both parts realize that the relationship didn't work out and both have given up from trying. But if one still has hopes then it will be hurtful for both of them (This was my situation). So, it depends how much time it passed and how are the feelings now…Also if the partner still has hopes then, in my experience, it is really hard to explain how you can still care about then but not want to be in a relationship anymore. So…Yeah, probably staying friends with an ex is mostly out of question, but I do believe it can be achieved.
Sorry for my rumbling.
@@ildik9772 I am in a very good marriage and I really wouldn’t want more than friendship. I hope I bump into him one day :-) thank you for your kind words x
@@melindanagy-sinka2807 Oh I see. I am happy to hear about your marriage! I too hope you two bump into each other and have a nice talk ^^
I remember some years ago I bumped into my first ex after we both moved on and it felt nice to have the smallest "Hi. Hi. How have you been? Good, you? Good." That was the only connection after the break up and it felt nice to realize that we both moved on with our lives. We didn't even try to be friends and didn't talk since, but it still was nice to feel relieved that I forgive him. :)
@@ildik9772 You got me :-) love to hear it happened to you
Thais does it again 🔮 😄 Everyone always wonders how I can be such good friends with ex's so moving forward I'll just send this video to explain🤭
:)
I'm probably FA leaning anxious and I burn bridges. I handle broken friendships much better than romantic relationships. I couldn't be friends with an ex, I usually have negative feelings towards them and I don't trust them anymore, but the main reason is that it would be too painful and I can't put aside feelings just like that. I would always treat them either romantically to some point or don't have enough trust or will to be friends. Because they weren't supossed to be my friends in the first place.
Lucky escape for your partner then
At least you don't play games.
@@flashman2 Don't worry about him, his as far from escaping as possible. That comment literally makes no sense😂 And shows a lot about a person that needs to make such rude remarks online.
I dont stay friends with exes either. Civil yes, and would always say hi and ask how they are if I see them. But 'friends' no that would undermine a future relationship and my relationships are more important than an ex
I don’t stay friends with my exes either. I only dated for the purpose of finding a husband. If I think you ain’t it for whatever reason. It’s over. I’ve never regretted ending a relationship. Friendships are harder when they end for me & it’s usually, not always though, the friend who left & I tried to find a way to fix it 😢 If I left it was a huge betrayal on their part. Right now I’m trying to work on my relationship with my sister. She’s a DA. It’s hard because I feel like all my attempts to show her that I love her fail.
Great timing thank you
Thais you’re quite insightful and your aura’s very freeing. The first reason resonates with my situation where she will wild out in the heat of the breakup and go full attack mode, only to come around some weeks later remorseful.
I completely agree
Very action oriented. Action always speaks louder than words.
Appreciate this. I am FA and this is the worst pattern in myself, especially with my now X. I always feel so confident in the breakup, then later break down with feelings and reach back out to repair what I know cannot be repaired. Its awful, toxic, and DOES hurt the other person very much. I am glad to know now more about it to understand myself and stop the pattern. I think part is also too much hope in the other person, who plays a part by saying yes but not actually be willing to make changes or listen to me and and help work through the things about the relationship that is causing me the pain.
Is it that the relationship is causing you pain or is it that you feel pain from your past trauma that isn’t present in your relationship? Is that why the partner says yes, but can’t fix it? Because if you “blame” the relationship or the other person. When it’s really an internal insecurity then the other person can’t fix it. ( looking to be rescued situation. ..? ). Just some thoughts.
@@MellowBellow1 Thanks for that, it does feel like a 'blame game' at times so something there for sure. We actually started talking again as friends post breakup and are reviewing what happened between us. It was hard to start the conversation but we care about eachother too much to leave things the way they left off. I am taking ownership of putting too much on him to of 'known' what to do for my sake. Its complicated, and he is now seeing a therapist to help him with his mental health issues whish are pretty serious as well he may be bipolar. So I have let go a lot of the things he did and said knowing that was likely a big factor in it. Anyways, I think as a FA thats the hardest part is I put too much in another person bc my feelings run so deep I apply so much deep meaning to everything and every action taken which is unfair to the other person who has a their own scale of importance of things. I am proud of us for having the conversation as we realize we do care about eachother very much and didn't mean the harm done, again as FA I have to stop that train of thought that starts to create a false story that only causes more harm to believe. I see that in my family a lot and am working to avoid allowing myself to continue that very bad habit.
@@MellowBellow1 Oh yes and past childhood and other traumas are a factor. I am diagnosed CPTSD, which is just a rollercoaster sometimes its very hard for those that know me to sit with me when random stuff comes up just mid-conversation for example when everything seems fine otherwise. Most folks who 'just want life to be positive' have dropped me in this time, and I am OK with that I think its shallow to not be able to realize trauma induced emotions cant be controlled like that.
I’m AP my ex was FA from past relationship trauma and childhood. She broke up with me 2-months ago after and year 1/2 relationship things were great until we started planning trips with our kids together and talking about long term plans. She did a 180 pushed me away started fights about little things. She is self aware of her FA we started attachment theory work books together I told her I wanted to work through this with her. She said “I feel smothered/engulfed” and she kept saying “you deserve better” so she broke up with me. I was crushed, she offered to stay friends but I said no, it would be to difficult for me with my attachment style to go from in intimate to platonic and eventually see her move on. So I told her I would have to go no contact to try and heal and move on. I reached out after 30-days and told her I missed her. She responded she’s been missing me too and thinks about me. But can’t be with me again because we are in different places now. She’s very afraid of commitment, and wants to focus on being happy and whole loving herself first before she try’s dating again. Do you think she will ever reach back out to me? She always told me I treated her too good and she feels unworthy of my love 😞
@@kicksalot9943 I think she does feel unworthy of your love. I think she feels radically uncomfortable making plans with your kids together. I think she is telling you the truth about herself. If she picks fights in front of the children, that’s no good for them to be exposed to; it’s abusive to expose kids to conflict, even when only one person is “creating” the conflict in order to escape. I say; do your kids a favour and end all hope of that being a healthy relationship.
post breakup friendship dynamics (understanding both problems and possibilities) between FA would be my recommendation for next video. As FA i think it’s very very difficult to be friend with someone who caused us the biggest heartbreak and couldn’t respect the trust and effort that we invested into the connection. There’s no guarantee that they will value us as friends (especially talking about bad breakup situation after a long time of hot and cold situationship). How do you even disregard the history of pain and wounds coming from the same person?
Man I hope my ex doesn’t try to be my friend after this no contact period…I couldn’t do it, while knowing she’s with someone else or sleeping with other dudes
I'm in a situationship with an FA and we've been going through "break ups" recently. What I mean is that she will shut me out, saying that she doesn't care about me, her affection toward me in the past was "cringe," and that we were never together, but the next day she will call me and apologize, say that she didn't mean any of that, and hint that I might meet her family some day. I can't tell if we're even in a relationship but we act like we are and do relationship stuff.
Could you please do a video on the emotional stages after a break up during no contact for a fearful avoidant that is the dumper? I have looked all over RUclips and there are none that outline this. It would be very helpful! Thanks for your videos!
For me it's always.... Immediately after the break up I feel really happy and So calm and like I've made the best decision of my life and that I'll 100 per cent meet a better fit. Couple days later I hate myself for my behaviour and how much I overreact. 2 weeks later I really miss them and regret my decision. Sigh
This is right on for me; currently going through a breakup from a DA, which is being complicated by the fact that we work closely together.
Still very painful for me at this point.
FA here. I just did this and I couldn’t understand why I was doing it. If I did it because I really missed her or if I was just wanting attention. I painted a portrait to reach out. She wasn’t having it. 😂
Did she have you in no contact? If so, how long were you guys in no contact?
That's very sweet. If my FA dumper did something like that I'd fall all over myself lol.
I'm sorry but this is so toxic, I can not move on!! He keeps coming back and looking for me, this is so hurtful because the wound is still there so I go back to the same exact cycle! Loving then cold then Loving then cold I AM EXHAUSTED
I’m an FA, still friendly with all exes and good friends with one who I’m sure is also an FA. I think one day we’ll eventually really try to work through our avoidance tendencies and wind up married - we were each other’s best but still have the issue of leaving each other when real commitment is involved.
update needed
Yea I need an update lol
This sounds like love addiction / limerence / a fantasy. I woul like to recommend listening to Alan Robarge on Attachment Trauma.
I don’t know if I’m the only Fa doing this but I don’t break up with people at all I’m always the one who get dumped...I feel some kind of relief when the break up isn’t my decision...yeah I may change the way I treat this person or put them in a different place in my life and make space between us but I never break up with anyone cuz I’m afraid of the guilt I may feel...
I hear you loud and clear. It helps me to remember, though, that often helping someone grow or to experience the love they deserve or need is by leaving them.
Lol it’s like she’s spying on me 👀
Omg this is so true, I'm FA and when I'm out I'm 100% out, if someone I really love or like leaves me and or my trust is broken and I'm hurt but that person, that's it for me, doesn't matter how much I miss him. But if I didn't have such as strong connection and the relationship was more superficial then I'm not that scared cause I didn't open up or i wasn't vulnerable with him so it doesn't hurt as much. When there is love involved, real hurt i don't even try, i just block him on everything.
You should be in therapy for your FA
@@grandhustle314 I am, thanks for the unsolicited advice stranger.
@@Magnoliasdiary Sorry if I sounded like a dick! Just meant positive relationships are worth it!
@@grandhustle314 i am, but it's over 30 years of trauma, so little by little.
@@Magnoliasdiary Seeking a lil bit for some advices here (From an FA point of view)
I am AP and i have been dumped by my FA X girlfriend
2months ago
1 month Before the beakup she started being distant and seeked from some space which i gave her in some way but at a certain point i started to asked her if it was me the probleme since her way of texting me had dramaticly changed.
And then 2 months ago she decided to end the relationship because she didn't want to hurt me because of her need of space i quote "you don't seem to understand my need so in order for u not to be hurt its better that we end the relation". So i respected her decision after we talk through the phone, i sent her a message that i would always be there for her whenever she is ready (i started to work on myself and do research for having a good relatonship). A week after she reached out again and confessed she loved me and missed me, and i told her the same things and everything seemed to go well but she went radio silent after that i tried to reach out for a few weeks with no luck so i went NC and now 4 days ago she reached out to me to say that she was done and that i should not have false hope on waiting for her comeback and that she really feels great righ now and have no intention to go in a relationship but yet she doesn't know what she will do next in life. And called her and we talked but she was quiet cold and she mentioned that she hanged out with friends and she really felt good about her life and so i should start moving on. I again acknowleged and respected her decision eventhough i was in pain (and going back on working on myself) but now i am kind of confused.
Sorry it's quiet long but i would really appreciate a feedback
Thanks a bunch
I’m not sure if he really is avoidant, or avoidant leaning dismissive, or dismissive, since he wrote “Don’t talk to me anymore.” He didn’t like a personal decision that he doesn’t agree with. And haven’t heard from him since then. Unread. But delivered.
Everytime I'm thinking.. ok I can finally move on.. I get pulled back in. Why is she so god damn lovable and why do I see past months of being ignored. I'm just loving an illusion at this point. She has left the room ages ago.
@Anthony Timmers ooooo intermittent reinforcement I never thought about that in the context of a relationship
My work Thais! My work!
Hi, how to / when to contact FA if they've blocked u on social media and whatsapp? I have the email and Ph number but I don't want to be too desperate. Also should I wait for her or should I take the initiative?
Super interesting
I had a really angry break up after the first argument I had with my long distance partner and I just really wanted to reach out to say sorry 😔 but he didn't reply
could you make a video on: is it safe or how to discuss the attachment style of your partner with them if they don't really know about secure/unsecure styles and how to suggest they check out your school?
Seconded, I would LOVE advice about how to bring up attachment theory and encourage someone to learn about it without sounding pushy or like I'm psychoanalyzing them/assuming things
@@ItsAsparageeseagreed. My women friends have been open to taking the quiz and hearing all about it, but the thought of bringing it up to my ex DA lover/best friend makes me think that he might perceive it as me intruding into his brain or something. I'm taking PDS courses to become more secure so these conversations won't be so hard. I love my ex, but am too wounded and closed off to want any type of reunion right now and if we do, we need to try friendship first then see what happens. When we were friends first I could say anything to him, but once we started dating I essentially had to monitor my words or concerns as he would get extremely hurt and shut down. These are such delicate conversations.
@@LeeChrissy Well said all around. I finally wound up telling my I-suspect-FA now-ex-situationship about attachment theory and suggesting that I think he'd really benefit from looking into it, but I went out of my way to make it clear that it's HIS own journey and he doesn't owe me or anyone anything, and that I hope he looks into it and that he shares with me about his experience, but if he doesn't, that's okay ... and he hasn't said anything about it, we're just gently starting over with a fun laid-back friendship one step at a time right now trying to keep our default tendency-to-be-flirts out of it, but I hope he's looking into it. Ultimately we can only do the best we can with the skills and info we have at any given time, and the other person has full control over whether they respond to offered-info and make use of it, and if they're not ready/comfortable with doing so, there's nothing we can do about it. I hope you're progressing well in your healing and find yourself feeling more secure and confident in how to approach any future interactions with your DA. Solidarity, friend
If I have a history with my fa ex that during first breakup she blocked me then unblocked me and reached out after a couple days. Then during a break reached out after two. And during the second breakup blocked me then unblocked me after a couple days but no message is the pattern being broken? Like I’m honestly confused maybe she leaned more avoidant this time but, I have not reached out and it’s been a week. I kind of want her to reach out so we can meet and I can tell her I think she’s fearful avoidant and show her info about it. I know that’s risky but at this point idrc that’s the only way there’d even be a chance at reconciliation from my point of view for her to get therapy. We were friends for a long time or I would not give a shit tbh that’s the only thing stopping me from being done forever
I’m FA and I feel like this tracks, the circumstances of my most recent breakup still hurt me even though it’s been months and I often think about reaching out, it feels weird to act like strangers and I miss the connection, but I refuse to because of how he hurt me
What if my girl broke up with me because of my insecurities? She's an FA and I'm anxious. She broke up with me because of my lack of trust, my insecurities, and asking questions that she thinks I should know already. I feel like the problems that arose between us weren't so bad and fixable with patience on both sides. She blocked my on social media and unfollowed me. She did say that I still have her # if i were to ever contact her. But i dont wanna contact her because I was the one who was dumped for my shortcomings according to her standards. I hope she reaches out. I've learned a lot about myself post breakup.
@@NateDawg1027 Don’t beat yourself up over it, if she’s an FA and she ended it under those terms, then it’s safe to say she was operating from a place of fear, triggered by her core wounds. So, the blame is not all yours. Just focus on yourself and recognize that if she doesn’t work on herself, as well, she’s going to repeat a pattern of failed relationships
@@NateDawg1027 my ex broke up with me because of the same reasons, I'm anxious and insecure. Any update on yours?
I’m FA/DA hell no to friends with exes… but then again that was when I was more AP back then. Recently broken off with X who is a DA coz I’d had enough of the ghosting! I thought I could be friends with him but I don’t think that will last plus I know I couldn’t handle seeing him with someone else & give to them what he couldn’t to me. It’s a pattern I find, partners dont show up how I need them to but then do so with the one after me. I feel like I’m a teacher 🤷🏽♀️ Still new to attachment styles so watching the videos is really helping understand more about myself & what traits / styles I have & where they stem from 💜
Omg I literally watched a video today on this exact topic! I hear you!! There's nothing worse than the thought of my ex treating a new girlfriend like I needed to be treated. That's why I never followed him again on social media in case we split again. I can't handle that sort of stuff at this delicate stage. I'm taking PDS courses but I have a long way to recovery.
@@LeeChrissy good luck with your healing & you’re on the right path with PDS. Lucky for me, he doesn’t have social media of any sort. He’s not really tech savvy. Only thing is we live in the same small town so we’ll cross paths along the way & with social circle.
@@vampy7966 haha same! We live maybe 5 minutes away from each other and have the same social circle. He's a homebody and I shop out of town so we really never run into each other. I AM however good friends with 2 of his roommates and still keep in contact with his daughter. I don't want to be strangers, but I also can't deal with the type of relationship he can offer.
My FA ex broke up with me because she 'lost feelings', but also experienced fear and emotional blockage (initial reasons). However, months later she only got more convinced that 'we weren't that well suited', 'we were still getting to know each other', some problems arose, 'her feelings have changed' and there was no basis to work on it. And moved on. Does it mean that she was never truly into me and doesn't even miss me? She's got a history of failed relationships. We've been together for 4 months, known each other a bit longer...
I think its just because you're a secure guy and that doesn't feelike love to a FA because it's too straight forward. So it is on off etc. That's what my relationshipa are like
I doubt it was never real especially if they have a history of a certain behavior
looking for some advice, my fearful avoidant ex broke up with me nearly 2 months the ago, I broke NC 2 weeks after the break up because I feared i didn't leave the door open. Her reasons were she couldn't validate her commitment to the relationship, we had a magical and intimate 10 mo ths together, but she felt like she couldn't handle having to please so many people, and that she does love me, but that it's just not working for her.
I've been 1 month NC now, but I really want to reach out to let her know that relationships after a break up can still work, because I fear that she might be the type that once its over for her it's over, but I miss her company so God damn much...I've educated myself now on attachment styles, and I'm sure I know what I have to do to make it better next time around. She did break up with me once before, but I don't count it as it was very impulsive and she came back only after 3 days and apologised and thi ga were great again, for about 2 months until this break up..
so my question is, should I hold on with NC until she reaches out?
@@Polly1589 I do, turns out my gut feelings about her having someone else on her radar which she vehemently denied was true. 4 months after NC she sends me a message explaining that she had reconnected with her toxic and abusive ex (or so she would always claim) and that she would rather let me know than find out through other means. So maybe she wasn't an FA after all, and only used me as an emotional tampon/medicine for her to use me as a way to 'heal' enough for her to get back to him. As she admitted the reason she felt we could never progress was because deep down her heart was with someone else. Sure, it fucking hurt to feel like that's all I was to her, a means to an end. But I wished her well, and that I held no bitterness or resentment and hoped she finds her team. I'm glad she told me, would much rather she would have been up front about this sooner, it wouldv saved me months of hurt and confusion. Because in essence this kind of logic from her to choose to return to an abusive relationship is so illogical it was such a huge turn off for me and essentially gave me total and absolute closure.
I'm now in a new relationship, and it's a much more slow and comfortable gentle ember of affection, that has room for gentle and steady growth. I've learnt alot from this break up, and essentially a much better person for it, give or take a few more walls that I've built up, but for good and healthy reasons. Not to jump to quick into trusting the early stages of lust and infatuation, and to take things steady.
Not just no, but, HELL no!
They’re dead to me mostly. Break ups hurt too much.
update
What if he keeps reaching out in no contact after 1 or 2 weeks with only “hi, how are you” and then say nothing els after that?
Lame.
I relate to a lot and I do want to reach out to someone who kindoff wronged me. I guess there is a longing for the depth there used to be.. Might be a bit from a feeling of loneliness deep down.. As for the rest my life is actually better than ever it feels empty and I guess I miss the connection and also am curious to my growth in connection to him and how he reflects on things as I dismissed his side and full on protected myself with a harsh judgments and rules of how things should be. What I do know is.. It might be what the world sais I shouldn't do but I start to see it has always my fear of not trusting myself that hold on to what's best according to others. And even tho I had hoped I didn't care about him anymore.. Weirdly enough I do.. We've never been in a relationship but always were in a state of potential with feelings.. It's now such a long time ago that I am confused he turned back up in my heart and thoughts as I was already dating other people.. So maybe it's a good thing to just have the conversation and for once just witness what happens instead of always wanting to do things perfectly and take controll of it all. I don't know. The perspectives keeps changing. It probably was just was a 500 days of Summer type of thing where he just never was THAT into me. I don't feel like dating others anymore untill I have resorted these feelings. It might just gives clarity that we are now at a better place and still no good fit. But it surprises me Fa's stay friends.. As I wouldn't trust myself to be able to be that with him.. Especially as he in the past kept flirting. It's why I cut him off back then. Idk we are human. I felt a deeper bond with him than with anybody else. I haven't found anything like it and since my heartace is over there is still a part missing in my heart. I guess.. With all this being said.. I just miss him.
Friends? Are you kidding? No way !! after the constant on and off trigger boy, , run away, no communication , lack of intimacy relationship with a fearful avoidant ….broke my heart so many times, and came back. I would never be friends… such an abusive, not know what they want person. after five years, I do not have ANY sympathy for someone who doesn’t acknowledge/take care of their sickness. HE definitely didn’t care about me and my emotional situation. All about them..
FAs need to own it, and take care of it… in denial & will never be fixed-everything is my fault,everything….once you figure it out, RUN! Don’t waste your life.
Does time play a factor? 2 1/2 years after brutal discard and only want to text.
I’m FA hes DA & 2 days ago I ended things with him but I’m regretting my decision because I do feel like we have a good connection
& I feel like he didn’t want me to walk away but didn’t outright say it
did you get back together?
Do FAs feel a strong eurge to apologises for past behaviour once they realise their patterns?
I am FA leaning dismissive.. once I did re-programming and help, yes I wanted to apologize completely to my DA ex.
Yes we do!!
Yes! Just did it tonight 😂 25% FA did enough damage 😢
2:35 it starts
whether someone is fearful avoidant or not, I think we should speak less and before speaking be sure is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it healthy?
I'm also fearful avoidant and I tend to hurt people whoever want to connect with me romantically or emotionally. Fearful avoidant are worst and absurd kind of individuals having no knowledge what is meant to be in a relationship. After 7 years of my breakup I approach my ex to reconcile and patch up with me. He was so kind and remain silent. Today I understand Its wrong and unethical to approach the ex for forgiveness etc😣
it's not wrong, believe it or not, my ex is a fearful avoidant, but she's still the most loveable person I've ever met, she just has past traumas that despite everything I accepted because I was able to see through it. Though I don't think she could sadly..
Been 8 months. Not feeling hopeful
How long did it take for y’all
Do secure attachments ever reach out as well?? Could there be a post break up video for securely attached as well? Thanks Thais.
im secure and i would gladly sacrifice my sister to the God of Biscuits if i could have my DA/FA back in my life
@@airbubble. doesn't sound very secure lol
@@brittanysheets8782 Spoken like a true insecure person who hasnt got a clue how secure people deal with problems in a relationship. If we love somebody, we dont just give up and walk away. Thats how we have long-term relationships..... we work at them.
@@airbubble. yeah i get that. I think theres a difference in how secures manage boundaries with themselves throughout a breakup thats really different. So although we go through the motions, secures tend to have healthier habits and good at having healthy boundaries than an insecure attchment.
@@gabyr4641 Absolutely. Secures are great at stepping back and looking at the issue and asking themselves "Is this issue something I can work with, overcome or compromise on? Is the effort required reasonable for the problem? Will the problem keep reoccurring?" and so on.
When we reach an OBJECTIVE decision that takes both our emotional connection as much as the outcome of the increased investment necessary into account, and whether the other partner is going to actively work with us on the solution, then we make a decision one way or another.
If we feel its going to be a tough road but worth the effort, then we roll our sleeves up, state our needs and boundaries and our plan of action and crack on.
If we feel its not "worth" the extra work, or that the other partner is unwilling to work with us to overcome the problem, or that its something that is going to keep happening, to the detriment of both the relationship and both people's emotional/mental wellbeing, then its time to walk away and we are able to do that, knowing that our decision has been based on a mature well-reasoned thought process. We are also able to communicate that reasoning and decision to the other person in a healthy non-wounding way, and remain true to the decision.
What about FA immediately jumping into rebound relationship? Dated 1.5 years, in love, then he started deactivating and jumped into rebound and he didn’t even tell me. Please explain that!
That’s just a male thing I think 🙃
@@suras8984 nope. Sexist ass comment. My ex (female FA) rebounded in less than a month
@@dominiccampana7385 my ex girlfriend, who's probably FA, monkey branched me -- she started having an affair 2 months before leaving me. So Dominic is absolutely right...
I'm in the same boat. last time we spoke he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, yet left me and has jumped into a rebound. I'm so sad, I love him. I am doing NC. I'm not sure if it will push him or not, we haven't seen or spoken in one month. I'm very scared to reach out because I want him to. but then again I'm unsure of what he will say and do once he reaches out. from past patterns I realize he is open to speaking after a month. but that doesn't stop him from self sabotaging. He can love and miss me, and still push me away. he has done it during our relationship. I noticed the constant battle which then got me here. I do need this time, and am hoping that he does reach out. again. I'm not too sure what I want when he does.
😂 😂 😂 I just want to ask, are we really that predictable?? It's gotten to the point where the healing process is even fun to take because it's like taking a tour on how many things check out for you and your attachment style, and in turn I think knowing how you'd act gives you an incentive to do different and hopefully better
It's honestly a bit weird, it's like regardless of who you are you just had one of 4 software packages installed 😂.
@@GGGG_3333 😂😂😂😭😭
Hi. I would like any fa's to reply to my comment. What can i do for my fa and/or what can my fa do for herself and our relationship to reconnect. She has been very physically and emotionally distant since a month but does text me once a week. She says she doesn't know what to think, feel, say or do. And i don't know how to respond to this. I feel the relationship is neither alive nor dead. I feel soo incredibly helpless in this. Thank you for any advice that could bring us back to a loving space🙏🏽
I personally would value nothing more than understanding without expectation. Perhaps say you’d love to just listen and understand what she’s going through, and that you’re happy to be there for her no matter what she ends up deciding. I start avoiding when I sense that someone has expectations of me and I’m going to disappoint them or let them down. Assuring her that this isn’t the case will help
I hate to say this but only because this happened to me (I was the FA) but unless she’s working on herself then cut your losses. I know that before I knew I had an insecure attachment and started working on myself I would have kept you in limbo for as long as you allowed it. I’m ashamed of myself for this I figured if I was being honest saying ‘I don’t know what I want’ then the limbo could continue because technically I never confirmed or denied anything. My AA never put his foot down but my guilt made me do it for him. I knew I liked spending time with him but I also knew it wasn’t enough to commit to him or give him a concrete answer. I knew he was hoping for me to suddenly stop being hot and cold and it just wasn’t going to happen. I hope this helps
@@Getwasted221 hi thank you for your reply. Could you kindly tell me the ways in which you are healing so that i might be able to communicate to her in which ways she can also find her way through this? I would really appreciate this. And everything you have said applies to our relationship as well so thank you for sharing through honest transparency and compassion for us all.🙏🏽
smonaful so luckily FA’s are pretty receptive to learning and growing ESPECIALLY about the human condition. So if there’s anyway you can show her a couple of Thais videos, like even if it’s just like ‘oh I found these videos I find them really insightful you should take a look’, I’m willing to bet she will be receptive to that. The hardest but most beautiful thing about FAs is that they are perfectionists. It’s a survival response and if we’re aware of the reasons behind what we’re doing AND willing to do the work we will try our DAMNEDEST to heal and be better and in turn, learn to cut ourselves some slack and communicate effectively . I hope this helps. But remember the caveat is that she has to be aware of her issues herself, and not you telling her and WANT to fix it for herself.
@@Getwasted221 got this notification as I watch sapolsky lectures at 4am 🤣 you darn right about that!
I unfortunately have that pattern of emotional volatility... especially when I’m hurt.
Some ppl feel too much because others feel too little, never be ashamed
What is "deactivation"? Please define your major terms.
Watch more general overview videos about attachment theory if you need 101-level terms like that
I am an FA and I never be friends with my ex boyfriends
Is it reasonable for a fearful avoidant person to want to want to be friends with an ex when that person (the fearful avoidant) knows that this friendship could interfere with the formation of trust in their new relationship? (Note: The former partner is still interested in a romantic relationship with the fearful avoidant.) Asking for a friend. 🙂
Yep, I’d love to know this too Thais! Ex AA (I was FA leaning DA while in the relationship) monkey branched but still reaches out sporadically even after I expressed a request to stop doing so. Blocked them yet it continues along other avenues a year later
If I've understood the question correctly (A and B are together and A wants to be friends with an exe who is still interested in A in a romantic way and this is interfering with B's trust of A in the new relationship)...
I would say it is reasonable for A to want a friendship, but perhaps not fair to seek one with their ex if it is damaging to their new relationship with B.
If A also still has any romantic feelings left over, then I think it would be highly disrespectful to B to seek said friendship. If A feels completely platonic towards their exe, I think it could be navigated if A struck very clear boundaries from the start that romance was not on the cards and only friendship was being offered. Then it is really down to B to trust A to keep to that and only offer friendship. However, a compassionate middle ground might be for A to welcome the exe back into their life as a friend and really involve B in this new friendship so nothing feels hidden or untrustworthy and there's less space for suspicion to arise (e.g. introduce B and the exe and meet as a 3)
Another middle ground would be for A to say to both B and their exe that they really want to invest in their new relationship right now and focus on building trust with a new partner, but that A hopes there will be a time in the future when friendship is possible. This might give it all time to breathe and feelings may subside/change/become less intense around it all. B would also then need to honour this being brought back to the table in the future and look at their own trust issues perhaps if they still found this difficult once the new relationship was well established.
Ultimately it is a fine balance between trust and control from B and a fine balance between A wanting to prioritise a friendship with an exe over the new relationship in a disrespectful way and having the right to form friendships with who they wish.
Sorry for the essay! Just some thoughts
@@roweme Thanks so much for your answer.
Interesting. I'm FA and I'm not friends with any of my exes.
I guess it depends on how the breakup was and if you were the one to break up as well.
Probably a great idea not to be friends with them
Same. Don't trust myself otherwise.
the same for me, once a person is out of my life there's no going back
You could be FA leaning dismissive
2:31
this was very interesting! I'm very much AA but I think I could have some FA tendencies and I really like to be friends with all of my exes. It gives me a different kind of anxiety when I'm not friends with them. This dude who I was seeing recently (not even seeing, we didn't even do anything, very incompatible from the start) just blocked me because "its weird to be friends with your exes" (we didn't even date!) and it bothered me so much because I felt as though we have a friendship dynamic. I just can't understand people who feel the need to treat those who were so intimate to them at one point as though if they didn't exist. I honestly think it's quite depressing and what a terrible way to live your life. I'm sure that will bother some people, and of course I don't mean bad or toxic or abusive partners, but if something just didn't work out due to incompatibility I think it's a shame and I've always felt that way. I'd love a video on why some people feel they can be friends with past partners and others can't!
Different than not even dating, but what if it's not about treating someone they were intimate with like they don't exist, but putting up a healthy boundary to be able to heal and move forward? I'm AA/Secure and went through a sudden breakup with an FA that deactivated overnight and it was completely devastating and unhealthy for me to talk with them, see their social media etc.,. When I put that boundary up for me, my ex had a similar reaction and called me immature, selfish and cruel for doing so while I was literally in survival mode. Experiencing that made me realize the inability of them to see past their own feelings to show compassion for another person and why I might need to have that boundary. What kind of friendship would that be?
@@kaiw2177 totally agree. My break up was similar, though a little more so we had a few small break up and she was always the one that came back o say let's work it out, and then 2 days before the actual break up she told me she told her friends "things were going so great and we were working it out" and then boom her feelings changed again. She was gentle and sad when ending it, and I didn't know about FA at the time, but nonetheless she begged me to not "unfriend or block her because she wants to see be part of my life and let be a waste of time and she couldn't handle it" and honestly I find that really unfair to think it has to be on her terms. I blocked her for that reason and removed her friends. Sorry but if you choose to push me out of your life when we were so close then you don't get to see how I'm doing or what I am up to from afar. Either make the effort and take the steps to be in my life entirely, or not at all.
Why do we have to reassure them with our friendship while the FA chooses to push us away? in my opinion, it is better for the dumpee to apply no contact in order to heal. This push-pull dynamic is toxic.
Starts at 2:30
Even if my FA asked to be friends randomly how could I she broke up with me because long distance became tooo hard for the both of us but then she made empty make plans to spend time again as she is in Japan and I'm in america. Its August already :/. But i could also see her asking to be friends as during the relationship she wanted to spend time with old friends from university and said that one of them was someone who used to be FWB with her but they haven't done anything in years of course i told her hell no but it makes sense with her FA mindset just FUCK MAN i wanted to marry her....
i called out my FA ex when they were deactivating, to say the distance didn't feel safe for me and I needed reassurance. he was super defensive, devaluing me and the relationship. so I said if this doesn't have any value for you, you should go. so he packed all his stuff, throwing stuff at me, being super spiteful and saying he'd never miss me and never talk to me again, I was garbage and had no friends, etc etc. then before I shut the door, he said "I want this to be on good terms, you're a good person..." and I was just not interested at all.
then the day after that ugly situation, he texted to say "hey. I just wanted to say I hope you're doing better today".
I'd love to know what the motive for that is--so soon and so passive.
I had a similar thing with my FA ex, though she took the call a little better...she did break up with me over it though, but claimed it was because it was unfair on me for her to constantly disconnect not give me the validation and commitment I wanted. It sucks because I was able to handle it, and I could see through her traumas and for the beautiful person she was. But felt I couldn't argue with her on this and let her go 🥺...and it's been 1 month of NC, and I'm desperate to reach out to let her know that I'm still here and willing to make it work, but I'm not sure if that's going to help the situation if her mind is made up 😕
@@jerescot Hi! I'm in the exact same situation! How did things for you guys end up?
@@jerescot hey do have an update on this i feel like we are in the similiar situations and i want to know bc i havent reach out to them in almost 2 months
@Cthrin _ yeh, she reached out to me 4 months later to tell me was trying it again with her toxic abusive ex, and that this was the reason she felt we could never progress as a couple, she was never over him and used me as an emotional tampon for a year.
I see the light now, and I honestly wouldn't go back their, that kind of logic is massive turn off me.
Iv moved to better and brighter things, and I'm happy.
I don't even think she was even a FA at this point, she was just cheating on me with her ex and was drowning in guilt.
@@jerescot im so glad ur in a better place rn hoping much better things coming ur way and im sorry it happened to you:((
What is "enmeshment"? Please define your major terms.
Like I just said to your other comment, if you need basic info, watch a more nonspecific basic video first. Not every video on attachment theory topics needs to be a general overview. Your comments come across as really entitled and demanding. Take some responsibility for looking things up yourself and learning more about the topic instead of expecting all of the context to be spoon-fed to you in an 11-minute video about a niche question. Smh
9:45 idea you break up with someone and you have to pretend they don't exist anymore and they're dead to you
Yes. It’s so painful. Like a death : /
my fearful avoidant reached out and indicated he wants to see me. He rebounded into another relationship. Our relationship was good except he must of deactivated and went with rebound. My question is should I see him? Should I see him based on his rebound status? I do want him back. It’s been four months.
To my understanding, Rebound is often a way to cope by going back into old habits or suppress their true emotions. If they're reaching out to meet, they've likely been comparing their rebound relationship with how things were with you and miss you. Even though they may not openly say it. I'd meet them, but don't be "just friends." Being friends will still allow them to have the emotional connection they want, without being in a relationship with you. But also don't be too needy. Give it time and let him make the effort to get you back. Personal growth is the most attractive to an FA. Hope this helps - it's based off everything I've recently learned with dealing with an FA
@@Develpup Thank you very much.
@@slporter722 sure! Hope it works out!
@@Develpup I’m in a dilemma. My ex wants to stay in contact and will even meet with me and expresses how much he cares for me. He is in a rebound. I’m in a lot of pain still around the breakup but want him back. My dilemma is should I block him (he emails and texts me with memories of what we used to do) and go no contact or try to stay open to communication in hopes we can reconcile? This decision is tearing me apart.
@@slporter722 you want him back and he wants to see you, great! Meet him and hear what he wants to say. Altho if he is still in the rebound relationship this can get messy so be very careful and guard your heart. Meet him, be friendly and try to figure out what is his purpose of wanting to see you. Don't pressure him, be easy on him and let him tell you how his life has been in the past 4 months. Find out if he wants you back for a romantic relationship. Don't agree to friendship. Make it clear to him what you want.
Who ended the relationship and why?
Wishing you all the best.
it has been just over three months, and i am still waiting on my FA to reach out. i doubt she has worked on herself at all, and i am not being put in the friend zone.
Good luck, Adam.. Hoping it works out for you.
I haven't been lucky in the last 7? months.. but I have in fact tried twice myself and couldn't get a proper conversation going. She's not explaining or giving me a chance to understand, just a wall basically.. all I know is I'm not blocked and she did reply. But I'm not doing anything at this point.
I would accept friendship if that's what it is.. our circumstances are quite complicated anyways with living so far apart atm.
@@hgzmatt thanks. it sounds like that must be really difficult for you. nothing to do but give it time, i suppose.
@@adamwood87 if it's more than 2 weeks, I think it's safe to say she's over you. Sorry :/
Not heard from my ex for 6 months- and he has blocked me altho I never reached out after the break up.
@@geethak8976 and going no contact like that is the right move, whether it's to get them back or heal and move on.
I'm sorry, but there's no way for anyone to be friends after a breakup without the sexual component coming in to play. That's why it won't work. anyone who believes otherwise is fooling themselves. Women have two types of friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends. If you're not the "man" in her life, you're her girlfriend. Love your videos💙
Im friends with a number of my exes. And no, there is no sexual component coming into play, just a lasting bond.
@@airbubble. yeah, I'm sure you guys hang out all the time. Staying friends on Facebook and liking each other's posts doesn't count.
@@chrishatcher9239 actually we do "hang out". Sorry to cast doubt on your generic summary of how you feel people behave post-breakup. Maybe its just your ex GFs that walk away completely?
My ex-husband is one of my best friends. i speak to a number of my exes and their "new" GFs/wives on a regular basis, meet for nights out etc. i've attended their weddings, babysat their kids, gone on holidays with them.....
I didnt "meet" them on FB, i met them in real-life social/work situations and the vast majority of people i am friends with i have known since pre-internet days and meet up with as often as possible. Ex-BFs included. No residual sexual feelings involved.
You're saying you meet with your ex boyfriends as often as possible? Not sure I buy that. If you have children with your ex-husband that's why you must maintain contact and if he was one of your best friends why isn't he still your husband? My 53 years have taught me a lot about the Dynamics of relationships during and after. If I were to run into an ex girlfriend we would be friendly but we're not keeping in touch and hanging out, that's not the norm. We all know that.
And if you're telling me that you babysit your ex-boyfriend's children with another woman while he's married to her? Sorry, not buying that one :-)
2:52