I used to subconsciously believe that relationships of any kind can't last forever due to super hurtful break ups with my best friend and my ex. Later on I realized, that this subconscious thought was influencing me to choose the wrong people with whom our bonds didn't actually last. So, it was my subconscious mind getting attracted to people with whom there was no future, so that the subconscious idea: "relationships can't last forever" could be affirmed. Gladly, I discovered Thais, who's videos have been majorly helping me to shed light on such subconscious matters and with that transform my life. Thank you Thais and the entire PDS team!
Im a anxious attachment and when i tell my love story, it inspires so many. Because even in seperation of continents, im still waiting for my twinflame. Even when they are hurting and picking shallow relationships just to validate themselves.... And I can tell u that there ARE relationships that CAN and WILL last forever. Its been a journey of push and pull with my twin, learning birthcharts, stars, argument styles, love languages, past trauma, childhood history, and now the final piece of this puzzle; understanding their avoidant attachment style. Id never have made it this far without faith, prayer, and now these videos...
This was my question, and thank you so much for answering it!! As an FA I have noticed myself doing this myself, so I wanted to understand it better. I *definitely* agree that it comes from the idea that all romantic relationships must come to an end, so therefore if you want to keep someone close to you, you're actually better off keeping them as a friend rather than getting involved with them romantically. There's also the fear that if they find that out, it will 'ruin' the friendship because they will never be able to look at you again without having that information in their brain, even if it stays on the platonic level and never moves beyond that. I also think there is the fear of eventually wanting to leave and then hurting someone who you care about in the process. (Which, as an FA who constantly feels responsible for other people's feelings, is absolute anathema to me.) So it just feels 'safer' to stay on the level of friendship, despite the desire for more. I'll also add that I think this has everything to do with why FAs so often want to remain friends with our exes, as well. Romantic relationships end, but friendships very often last forever, and since we don't really understand the whole concept of 'boundaries' anyway, a boundary-less friendship can feel so much easier and more comfortable than a romantic relationship that has a rigidly-defined beginning and end. (I'm not saying that this is what we ultimately want, only that it typically feels like the safer option for a multitude of reasons.)
So Laura, why in your opinion an FA would cut someone which is more than a friend (but not an official bf) and avoid remain friends? This happened to me, everything was PERFECT, but in 2 days she told me "there is no spark, and I don't want to ask you to remain friends"
Thank you for this comment. its been a long long journey for me, as an AA trying to wait and hold out for the person i love, who is FA... But This makes everything make sense... And all i need is one chance to see and show them again.
"So it just feels 'safer' to stay on the level of friendship, despite the desire for more." Now I understand why my FA said something about the safe zone. It's not for me, it's for them. Sadily the safe zone is a lifeless zone to FAs partners. It's like a storage room, a graveyard even which FA sometimes visit to get their needs met. It has no future and no growth.
As a disorganized attachment/ fearful avoidant.. I have worries about losing a connection like the anxious attachers but I also worry about being trapped with the wrong person or trapped in an unhappy situation
I think like this. I care, but I hold back so much! It's rare that I share anything vulnerable. I also think if I share, are they able to be there the way I need them to? What I give for my friends who hurt isnt what I get in return. Lack of communication maybe and expecting that what I demonstrate for them is what they'll give. So much goes on in my thoughts. But I am going through the courses, and am slowly seeing some changes. Praising God for the journey of healing
I think my guy friend is FA. He said he just wants a friendship but his behavior indicates more. Even people around us say he's smitten with me based on his behavior when he's around me. I tried to go no contact but he still calls and texts me just to talk. I have set up boundaries now so we don't fall into a situationship. I have feelings for this man but am trying to detach in order to guard my heart and keep my relationships healthy.
Hey, i am in the exact same position and i am wondering if you could share a little more about your situation? Maybe we can exchange a bit? Dont wanna be rude though
Funny enough- THIS is the exact reason I don’t like to give a title or get a title in a relationship. I don’t see the point if they are going to end anyway. If I am not going “to marry” the person aka- you are locked in and can’t abandon me ... then I won’t get involved. There’s no security because as an FA what I fear most besides intimacy is abandonment. All the above are the stories that still ring true within me. So much work to do but sooo much awareness. Thank you everyone for sharing so vulnerably and thank you Thais for providing us the tools to feel empowered to change ❤️
I do this exact same thing. I hate the word “boyfriend” and I never post about guys I’m dating on social media or put “in a relationship.” I don’t have many relationships to begin with but still the ones I have had this sometimes caused arguments but I told them I plan to only publicize my husband because he’s forever. 🤷🏻♀️ I value things that last
@@ixseextallxpeople then why date them if you think it won't last. If you have that mindset with everyone you meet how will you ever get married if you don't commit to anyone?
We’re both Fa’s in the weirdest situation ever…when we are friends we make the best friendship we have ever experienced..when we take a step ahead and turn to lovers..we ruin each other..so we’re always on the edge of friendship on foot in another foot in a romantic relationship hoping no one will awake our nightmares
An AP here with an FA "fwb". I wanted a relationship but he said he wasn't that kind of special. He would say he could fall for me but 6 months later now he is still just a friend without benefits now. He texts me fairly regularly but keeps it short and distant. I'm trying to understand this behavior.
Was in the same thing. FWB. Said she had feelings for me and all this but actual commitment was never a good conversation to have. Always makes you think the worst and it’s a massive time waste and fucks with your head Start believing you are the problem and all this. Not worth the time Went no contact, she messaged after a month asking to be friends I said no and keeping myself to myself again. Too much drama
i literally used to tell my friends that the reason i wouldn't date the person i liked was because i was 100% certain they would cheat on me 😬 and even worse, i told them that i would completely understand if they did, because i know they could do better, so there was no point in trying
I'm sorry to hear that is what your brain is telling you. But you are missing out on alot of love and reinforcing your beliefs. There are many good people out there that could prove you wrong in your beliefs.
I'm close with one avoidant (I don't know if he's fearful, though). He said that I'm one the closest person with him for the past 6 months, and that he love me. We're doing all the romantic things that a couple did, and then went into a meltdown and said he can't see anything happened to us more than friends, and that he couldn't see me as a girlfriend. Before that, he already said those thing once, and still kissed me once after. And after those meltdown happened, he suddenly friendzoning me really hard. Keep calling me with masculine suffix like 'bro' and such, and he admit he kinda ubconciously want to spare himself from using any romantic suffix. I'm confused weither he really see me platonically, or is there any more complicated things happened
Feelings minus fears. His fears that things will end are just higher than his feelings of love, unfortunately. Ultimately, people take risks for what they want. He doesn’t want to lose you, though.
dealing with a very similar situation now with a woman. she has given me lots of signals that she likes me, but goes dark and then reappears. its a very confusing situation.
That’s exactly what’s happening to me!! My DA ex of 10 years and I are just friends at the moment because I am learning to trust him and want to create a safe, secure and consistent connection with him.
As a FA I did and believed all these in my previous relationship. Here I am single thinking I could be friends with my ex but fearing that I would desire more so therefore prefer to be on my own for my own safety.
As an Anxious type, I find that extremely frustrating and sad, even though I get it. I am not nearly as anxious as I used to be. I hope I can use this info to help me get my FA back, someday.
@@smiths698 I can tell you that although I WAS hurt like I have never been before from a breakup, I know im stronger now, and won't be so much again. Learning healthy ways to avoid that. I know she doesn't want to hurt me again either, neither do I her, so I would want to make better boundaries if I got the chance. After all, im not afraid of getting hurt again if its worth trying again, and i think it is.
@@smiths698 it sounds like you are afraid of being hurt, emotionally, so you are choosing to stay out of a relationship, even though you'd prefer to be in one. is that right?
So watching “FA not into you” the friendship card was mentioned so this video contradicts that. So in early dating, when FA is communicating chemistry/connection but says let’s be friends only as not ready to pursue and wants to hang out. Not interested or just triggered?
It's not a math equation 🤷 Every situation and person is different. Sometimes when people say they want to be friends, they mean it. Sometimes they don't. I know it sucks, but you have to look at all the pieces of their behavior and how they treat you and other things they say to you -- and consider it all in context -- instead of trying to find comfort in searching for some clear objective piece of evidence that will either justify your hopes or give you closure. Believe me, I know that craving well -- it's why I'm rewatching this damn video myself, because I'm fixating right now on the hope for magical clear answers, like opening the fridge habitually to see if anything more desirable and convenient has appeared since the last time one looked inside it 😂 We can seek all the "If X, then Y" we want, as part of telling ourselves stories to either justify holding out hope or justify finally moving on ... but the fact is, everyone is different and the only person who can know what someone truly wants is that person themselves (and even then they might not always really know what they want). We can learn a lot, and get a ton of insight into figuring out many pieces of the overall puzzle of a given relationship, but at the end of the day you'll either have to 1. ask them directly for an answer and choose to believe what they tell you, or 2. zoom out and get objective with yourself about the facts of the relationship and whether it seems like your needs are realistically going to be met by it, and decide what you want to do about it.
Thank you so much for this video! I'm an AA still in love with my FA. I was the first person that she felt love from and I didn't recognize her needs. But she still relies upon me for favors and says she is open to staying friends. Thank you for continued hope!
he all of a sudden said he just wants to be friends after some months of perfect relationship saying that he is scared to commit knowing i cant be just friends, so now we are in no contact, but he is constantly checking my social media. i am not writing either, giving him and myself the space and...we will see.
My female FA ex came over last week and said she thinks about us all the time, but this week was cold and said she could only offer friendship. This was really hard in me so I said we can't be friends either but I wonder if it was the right choice.
@@DeltaTempest she asked me for friendship after 3 months of perfect relationship last month , and I begged and pleaded , she offered relationship later which was all so platonic and she broke up again. She asked to be friends and I said no and went on no contact , now she recently asked me if I'll return to her sorting my feelings or will just cut ties with her forever . I'm so confused she didn't even explained why she fell outa love , she said loss of attraction
its been several months since my FA and I split up id been giving her space, she came over to pick up some stuff the other night, itold her i missed her and she proceeded to tell me i needed to move on, and that she isnt interested in a physical thing anymore etc etc etc.... i wasnt even asking for that..shes stressed out from work and prokecting on me but i dont think i'm interested anymore after today even if she was to want me back.
I have friend who I am interested in. I told were no longer friends and I blocked her on social media and blocked her phone and told her not to contact me again. So what does anyone do who doesnt respect your boundaries? Yeah she calls/texts me from a different number 5 days later to apologize and asks to take me out to dinner. We have tons of qualities in common and when we're together like people think we're dating. Yet every time we are together or talking it's always the same thing she says we're just friends just friends just friends. Let every effing time. I can understand the friendzone hearing that once or twice but not every single time we talk it makes no sense. Anyways I asked her to stop. So the next thing she says to me is I love you like a brother. 🤦🤦🤦. Ok there . first off I have 3 younger sisters I love and I'm not looking to add a 4th to the mix. I'm looking for a sister in law for my sisters. She responds well maybe we should go our separate ways. I told her I am perfectly fine with that but you'll reach out again because she always does. 2 weeks later she calls again says I was on her mind aka misses me..and wants me to tell her about my family and sisters...and then ask for dating advice for another guy she's interested in lol can't make this up...I was like what? Yeah that's not happening and we're not dating why you asking about my family
I’m sorry, I laughed like a madman at your story 😂 This is straight out of a comedy movie. This is just FA to an extreme. Sort of have same situation with a coworker, I pulled back from her many times, but she would always come back, wanting to have some kind of connection. It’s almost never becomes anything romantical, although it’s obvious that she likes me in more-than-a-friend way and there’s chemistry between us. I haven’t yet said that I’d rather us be nothing than whatever this is, I was kind of hoping she would pick up on that herself and end this constant back and forth by not coming back. But it seems like we’ll have to end it the painful way 😒 How did this turn out for you?
Now I'm concerned that I did the wrong thing going No Contact. So far I believe my ex is somewhere in the Anxious Avoidant category. She broke it of telling me that she had a terminal diagnosis., reached out after just shy of two months of no contact and then told me that she still loved me, but kept saying that she could only offer friendship as she was going through treatment for Ovarian Cancer. I thought this was a way to not have to commit and she was also blaming me for things and showing a strange resentment, but keep me in her life. Fifty-nine days later, I haven't heard from her.
@@focus_fractured Yes, we met up at Easter this year and I spent the weekend at her place. Although there wasn't any intimacy, we slept in her bed. After that weekend I didn't hear from her for 11-day and was getting frustrated that she seemed to not take any initiative to contact me. Since then, it's been a back and forward pull of her not communicating and me going into No Contact and then her liking numerous posts on my Facebook (as if trying to get my attention). I ignored this bread crumbing. So, last we emailed (I'd rather text, but it seems the way she wants to communicate for now) I said I'd like to see her and asked when she's free and she said she didn't know as she was working a lot of extra hours to make ends meet at the moment. I could believe that, given her medical and rental expenses. So, now I'm just waiting for her to let me know when if she does.
I either want more or significantly less 😂 usually if it’s after a relationship it’s less and if there was no relationship it’s more, I’m just afraid of hurting people or myself.😂
But how do I reprogram these subconscious believes if I know so many people left me, and I am not talking about the romantic relationships? I know it because this happened to me and I know it will happen in the future as well (I might be cursed lol). Has anybody been able to actually ditch on similar believes?
Is it possible to end up putting yourself in danger by re-programming distrust of other people? How do I know whether I'm right to think the way I do? I would love to feel safe getting close to people, but what if I change my beliefs so I'm no longer scared of vulnerability and end up being naïve and people take advantage of me? Is it always a good idea to re-program fear and distrust?
This is a great question. I think it has to do with trusting ourselves, being able to observe and understand others and learning how to have boundaries so we don’t just jump into things with people right away. I identify with FA and that fearlessness in the beginning is very real... need to learn how to slow down and not be reckless. 🙂
The fact you’re asking this question shows your issue. You need to be vulnerable and stop thinking people are out to get you or might be out to get you…. 💕
I'm in no way an expert but I have secure attachment and observed in my FA ex that he ran towards me when I pulled away, and ran away from me when I pulled towards. In general I was very calm in this relationship but once I got upset and he was near in tears at my knees begging to fix it. Meanwhile in the week, when I was just calmly showing up and being a safe and loving space he freaked out and ran away from me, literally getting an apartment behind my back and moving out level. So if I were an FA, I'd question anytime I felt the anxious need to chase someone, vs the need to run away. Chances are you are chasing people when they're awful and running away from people who are loving towards you. You may be bored by consistency. Basically, pretend it's Opposite Day.
@@sunbeam9222 Thanks for your reply :) Appreciate it. Could you help me understand another scenario? So, in my case while breaking up he said it's better we are friends because of some things. And later he heard me out and did respond to which I didn't reply. Next day he checked up on me once and after that never got back. And my two messages - one was more about how I was more hurt and two, a message regarding a memory after two weeks. What could this imply, any idea?
@@sunbeam9222 sure, so basically, he broke up because my trust was being triggered. He simply mentioned that let's just be friends. I asked whether we can reconsider and discuss the issues instead. But he didn't want to, simply broke off. Next day, he checks on me to see how I'm doing. I responded but because I was hurt I suggested that I'm more hurt while he might be alright. He didn't respond to that. Two weeks later, I sent him a reminder of a memory to which he didn't respond, only saw the message. And since then nothing. So it's really difficult to predict what's going on in his mind. Because I know he did care about me, his actions said it all.
To Thais or any FA here: what's the reaction of a FA once they propose to stay "friends" or "friends +" and the other person says clearly "no". What would be the reaction of the FA under such outcome? Would it make the FA to reconsider the feelings towards the other person as to try for something else (more commitment) or would help the FA to run away faster? I mean, we all have heard people saying that "you don't appreciate what you have but what you loose..."
Who cares what they think. It's been 2 months since my ex of 12 years broke it off with me by a text. I told her that I cannot & won't be a "friend" with her and we either need to think about rebuilding our family like adults since there was no real reason why she ended it (we have kids too) or I need to be completely out of her life unless it has to do with our kids. She went into panic mode - then ended up cuddling with me and being super nice....i assume it triggered her anxious side that I may actually be gone from her life & I was nothing but good to her. She then said she would be really hurt if I started dating other people. Avoidant people are special. lol
@@jamie-r2034 I am sorry to hear about your case. And yes, activating their anxious site is more or less what I was thinking that might happen. Anyways, as you propose, at the end the only thing that matters is how they "solved" their emotional issue and how the other person feels about such irresponsible behavior
@@gchavb The only way Id ever even try to work through anything is if she didn't cheat or monkey branch but not sure I want to hear that answer right now. Just trying to get through the holidays
@@jamie-r2034 I hope you can recover better and you find the internal peace you deserve. Sometimes hard times are the break point for something much better
@@gchavb Thank you. I'll be honest, since she did the slow fade on me, the biggest change was going to bed with someone for 12 years to sleeping alone in a new place. It's only been 7 weeks and I feel GREAT! I understand her avoidant personality now & can let her go easily knowing it wasn't me. Ironically, the other day I internally let her go & then she reached out and started some light texting. lol Im actually enjoying being single, so im not giving in right now
Here is a question I have.... I believe I may be fearful avoidant, but often times display the characteristics of someone with anxious attachment. Is it possible for people to drift between the two? I have an anxiety disorder which could explain it. Maybe I have neither but I know that there have been times where I want to be close to someone, but fear gets the better of me. Then there have been times when someone pulls away from me, and I act like someone with anxious attachment (needy, afraid to lose them, feel great loss when the leave)
I think there are two types of fearful avoidant, one leaning more towards anxious (another term for fearful avoidant is anxious avoidant) and the other type tends towards avoidant tendencies. You might be the first type.
@DeltaTempest she asked me for friendship after 3 months of perfect relationship last month , and I begged and pleaded , she offered relationship later which was all so platonic and she broke up again. She asked to be friends and I said no and went on no contact , now she recently asked me if I'll return to her sorting my feelings or will just cut ties with her forever . I'm so confused she didn't even explained why she fell outa love , she said loss of attraction
Ok I need help here, am talking to this guy and I noticed he is a Fa, he showed interest and everything but I can't help but feel like he expects me to always texts first, or make a move or something, like the days I don't text because am like maybe I should let him text first (and he don't) he show the next time abit upset or something... It's kinda hard already cause I myself a Fa and working so hard and pushing myself to heal. The guy is so great but the moment he showed interest there is mood swings gate opened. I want to give him a chance but he really is testing my patience here :D
I'm not sure what the most recent videos are like. I love your content but for an English man you speak very quickly and your microphone quality is really poor so it's very hard to understand all that you are saying. If you can fix this, your channel will be awesome ❤ thank you
I swear the content is always extremely relevant and timely. Love and appreciation from an FA! 🥰
thanks for your comment Elijah :) happy you are getting value from our content
-PDS team member
Ditto!!!
I used to subconsciously believe that relationships of any kind can't last forever due to super hurtful break ups with my best friend and my ex. Later on I realized, that this subconscious thought was influencing me to choose the wrong people with whom our bonds didn't actually last. So, it was my subconscious mind getting attracted to people with whom there was no future, so that the subconscious idea: "relationships can't last forever" could be affirmed.
Gladly, I discovered Thais, who's videos have been majorly helping me to shed light on such subconscious matters and with that transform my life.
Thank you Thais and the entire PDS team!
So happy to hear that our content is helping you. Thank you and we really appreciate you!
-PDS team member
As an FA I used to believe the same. I thought I was the only one
This was so beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing !
@Billy B some do end and some don't. I've just learned to remain neutral about it, instead of believing in one truth: that they do end.
Im a anxious attachment and when i tell my love story, it inspires so many. Because even in seperation of continents, im still waiting for my twinflame. Even when they are hurting and picking shallow relationships just to validate themselves.... And I can tell u that there ARE relationships that CAN and WILL last forever. Its been a journey of push and pull with my twin, learning birthcharts, stars, argument styles, love languages, past trauma, childhood history, and now the final piece of this puzzle; understanding their avoidant attachment style. Id never have made it this far without faith, prayer, and now these videos...
This was my question, and thank you so much for answering it!! As an FA I have noticed myself doing this myself, so I wanted to understand it better. I *definitely* agree that it comes from the idea that all romantic relationships must come to an end, so therefore if you want to keep someone close to you, you're actually better off keeping them as a friend rather than getting involved with them romantically. There's also the fear that if they find that out, it will 'ruin' the friendship because they will never be able to look at you again without having that information in their brain, even if it stays on the platonic level and never moves beyond that. I also think there is the fear of eventually wanting to leave and then hurting someone who you care about in the process. (Which, as an FA who constantly feels responsible for other people's feelings, is absolute anathema to me.) So it just feels 'safer' to stay on the level of friendship, despite the desire for more. I'll also add that I think this has everything to do with why FAs so often want to remain friends with our exes, as well. Romantic relationships end, but friendships very often last forever, and since we don't really understand the whole concept of 'boundaries' anyway, a boundary-less friendship can feel so much easier and more comfortable than a romantic relationship that has a rigidly-defined beginning and end. (I'm not saying that this is what we ultimately want, only that it typically feels like the safer option for a multitude of reasons.)
Just leave them alone
So Laura, why in your opinion an FA would cut someone which is more than a friend (but not an official bf) and avoid remain friends?
This happened to me, everything was PERFECT, but in 2 days she told me "there is no spark, and I don't want to ask you to remain friends"
Thank you for this comment. its been a long long journey for me, as an AA trying to wait and hold out for the person i love, who is FA... But This makes everything make sense... And all i need is one chance to see and show them again.
Everything you said in your comment is 100% how I think and feel
"So it just feels 'safer' to stay on the level of friendship, despite the desire for more." Now I understand why my FA said something about the safe zone. It's not for me, it's for them. Sadily the safe zone is a lifeless zone to FAs partners. It's like a storage room, a graveyard even which FA sometimes visit to get their needs met. It has no future and no growth.
As a disorganized attachment/ fearful avoidant.. I have worries about losing a connection like the anxious attachers but I also worry about being trapped with the wrong person or trapped in an unhappy situation
Have you fixed this yet? If so how?
self sabotage = unconscious strategy to get needs met. i felt that.
I think like this. I care, but I hold back so much! It's rare that I share anything vulnerable. I also think if I share, are they able to be there the way I need them to? What I give for my friends who hurt isnt what I get in return. Lack of communication maybe and expecting that what I demonstrate for them is what they'll give. So much goes on in my thoughts.
But I am going through the courses, and am slowly seeing some changes. Praising God for the journey of healing
I think my guy friend is FA. He said he just wants a friendship but his behavior indicates more. Even people around us say he's smitten with me based on his behavior when he's around me. I tried to go no contact but he still calls and texts me just to talk. I have set up boundaries now so we don't fall into a situationship. I have feelings for this man but am trying to detach in order to guard my heart and keep my relationships healthy.
Hey, i am in the exact same position and i am wondering if you could share a little more about your situation? Maybe we can exchange a bit? Dont wanna be rude though
It’s a hard thing to do with an FA. I am in the same boat.
Funny enough- THIS is the exact reason I don’t like to give a title or get a title in a relationship. I don’t see the point if they are going to end anyway. If I am not going “to marry” the person aka- you are locked in and can’t abandon me ... then I won’t get involved. There’s no security because as an FA what I fear most besides intimacy is abandonment.
All the above are the stories that still ring true within me. So much work to do but sooo much awareness. Thank you everyone for sharing so vulnerably and thank you Thais for providing us the tools to feel empowered to change ❤️
Of course the reality is there’s no security ever - in anything in life. ☺️
omg this makes so much sense, the way you worded it! thank you!
I do this exact same thing. I hate the word “boyfriend” and I never post about guys I’m dating on social media or put “in a relationship.” I don’t have many relationships to begin with but still the ones I have had this sometimes caused arguments but I told them I plan to only publicize my husband because he’s forever. 🤷🏻♀️ I value things that last
@@ixseextallxpeople then why date them if you think it won't last. If you have that mindset with everyone you meet how will you ever get married if you don't commit to anyone?
Gosh i dated a guy like you and the logic olympics in this is actually crazy. This doesn't make sense to anyone who is secure or even anxious
Can you PLEASE answer what we should do when we encounter this situation with a FA?
I really like this video because it is such a challenge to my negative thinking and I really need that
We’re both Fa’s in the weirdest situation ever…when we are friends we make the best friendship we have ever experienced..when we take a step ahead and turn to lovers..we ruin each other..so we’re always on the edge of friendship on foot in another foot in a romantic relationship hoping no one will awake our nightmares
An AP here with an FA "fwb". I wanted a relationship but he said he wasn't that kind of special. He would say he could fall for me but 6 months later now he is still just a friend without benefits now. He texts me fairly regularly but keeps it short and distant. I'm trying to understand this behavior.
Quit feeding his needs for emotional connection.
Was in the same thing. FWB. Said she had feelings for me and all this but actual commitment was never a good conversation to have.
Always makes you think the worst and it’s a massive time waste and fucks with your head
Start believing you are the problem and all this. Not worth the time
Went no contact, she messaged after a month asking to be friends
I said no and keeping myself to myself again. Too much drama
i literally used to tell my friends that the reason i wouldn't date the person i liked was because i was 100% certain they would cheat on me 😬
and even worse, i told them that i would completely understand if they did, because i know they could do better, so there was no point in trying
I'm sorry to hear that is what your brain is telling you. But you are missing out on alot of love and reinforcing your beliefs. There are many good people out there that could prove you wrong in your beliefs.
Please do a video on what to do when your partner is FA and starts feeling this way.
Amen!
I'm close with one avoidant (I don't know if he's fearful, though). He said that I'm one the closest person with him for the past 6 months, and that he love me. We're doing all the romantic things that a couple did, and then went into a meltdown and said he can't see anything happened to us more than friends, and that he couldn't see me as a girlfriend.
Before that, he already said those thing once, and still kissed me once after. And after those meltdown happened, he suddenly friendzoning me really hard. Keep calling me with masculine suffix like 'bro' and such, and he admit he kinda ubconciously want to spare himself from using any romantic suffix.
I'm confused weither he really see me platonically, or is there any more complicated things happened
Feelings minus fears. His fears that things will end are just higher than his feelings of love, unfortunately. Ultimately, people take risks for what they want. He doesn’t want to lose you, though.
dealing with a very similar situation now with a woman. she has given me lots of signals that she likes me, but goes dark and then reappears. its a very confusing situation.
That’s exactly what’s happening to me!! My DA ex of 10 years and I are just friends at the moment because I am learning to trust him and want to create a safe, secure and consistent connection with him.
As a FA I did and believed all these in my previous relationship. Here I am single thinking I could be friends with my ex but fearing that I would desire more so therefore prefer to be on my own for my own safety.
As an Anxious type, I find that extremely frustrating and sad, even though I get it. I am not nearly as anxious as I used to be. I hope I can use this info to help me get my FA back, someday.
what would be so unsafe about desiring more?
@@adamwood87 fear of being hurt Adam, fear of being hurt again.
@@smiths698
I can tell you that although I WAS hurt like I have never been before from a breakup, I know im stronger now, and won't be so much again. Learning healthy ways to avoid that. I know she doesn't want to hurt me again either, neither do I her, so I would want to make better boundaries if I got the chance. After all, im not afraid of getting hurt again if its worth trying again, and i think it is.
@@smiths698 it sounds like you are afraid of being hurt, emotionally, so you are choosing to stay out of a relationship, even though you'd prefer to be in one. is that right?
She didn't answer what should the partner of an FA do when an FA does that...yes they need reprogramming but what can the partner do..?
Usually for the partner we need to set boundaries
Can u give an example
So watching “FA not into you” the friendship card was mentioned so this video contradicts that. So in early dating, when FA is communicating chemistry/connection but says let’s be friends only as not ready to pursue and wants to hang out. Not interested or just triggered?
It's not a math equation 🤷 Every situation and person is different. Sometimes when people say they want to be friends, they mean it. Sometimes they don't.
I know it sucks, but you have to look at all the pieces of their behavior and how they treat you and other things they say to you -- and consider it all in context -- instead of trying to find comfort in searching for some clear objective piece of evidence that will either justify your hopes or give you closure.
Believe me, I know that craving well -- it's why I'm rewatching this damn video myself, because I'm fixating right now on the hope for magical clear answers, like opening the fridge habitually to see if anything more desirable and convenient has appeared since the last time one looked inside it 😂
We can seek all the "If X, then Y" we want, as part of telling ourselves stories to either justify holding out hope or justify finally moving on ... but the fact is, everyone is different and the only person who can know what someone truly wants is that person themselves (and even then they might not always really know what they want). We can learn a lot, and get a ton of insight into figuring out many pieces of the overall puzzle of a given relationship, but at the end of the day you'll either have to 1. ask them directly for an answer and choose to believe what they tell you, or 2. zoom out and get objective with yourself about the facts of the relationship and whether it seems like your needs are realistically going to be met by it, and decide what you want to do about it.
Yes... sometimes because of trauma bonds.. and many other things.. 😌
@thaisgibson what can the secure or insecure partner of the FA do to help them?
We are both FA, how do I know if she still have feelings for me or she actually just want to be friends?
i'd suggest asking... unless you're talking about post breakup, in which case you should be in no contact.
@@adamwood87 no, you should not.
Thank you so much for this video! I'm an AA still in love with my FA. I was the first person that she felt love from and I didn't recognize her needs. But she still relies upon me for favors and says she is open to staying friends. Thank you for continued hope!
Did you ever get back together, or did she just continue to use you until she found someone else?
Great vid as always! Sometimes i'm amazed by how easily and clearly you explain stuff! Appreciate it so much!
Thanks for your generous comment :)
-PDS team member
Nailed it! Well done
How can I tell about this to my ex in a friendly way, including the attachment styles?
he all of a sudden said he just wants to be friends after some months of perfect relationship saying that he is scared to commit knowing i cant be just friends, so now we are in no contact, but he is constantly checking my social media. i am not writing either, giving him and myself the space and...we will see.
My female FA ex came over last week and said she thinks about us all the time, but this week was cold and said she could only offer friendship. This was really hard in me so I said we can't be friends either but I wonder if it was the right choice.
@@DeltaTempest she asked me for friendship after 3 months of perfect relationship last month , and I begged and pleaded , she offered relationship later which was all so platonic and she broke up again. She asked to be friends and I said no and went on no contact , now she recently asked me if I'll return to her sorting my feelings or will just cut ties with her forever . I'm so confused she didn't even explained why she fell outa love , she said loss of attraction
its been several months since my FA and I split up id been giving her space, she came over to pick up some stuff the other night, itold her i missed her and she proceeded to tell me i needed to move on, and that she isnt interested in a physical thing anymore etc etc etc.... i wasnt even asking for that..shes stressed out from work and prokecting on me but i dont think i'm interested anymore after today even if she was to want me back.
I have friend who I am interested in. I told were no longer friends and I blocked her on social media and blocked her phone and told her not to contact me again. So what does anyone do who doesnt respect your boundaries? Yeah she calls/texts me from a different number 5 days later to apologize and asks to take me out to dinner.
We have tons of qualities in common and when we're together like people think we're dating. Yet every time we are together or talking it's always the same thing she says we're just friends just friends just friends. Let every effing time. I can understand the friendzone hearing that once or twice but not every single time we talk it makes no sense. Anyways I asked her to stop. So the next thing she says to me is I love you like a brother. 🤦🤦🤦. Ok there . first off I have 3 younger sisters I love and I'm not looking to add a 4th to the mix. I'm looking for a sister in law for my sisters.
She responds well maybe we should go our separate ways. I told her I am perfectly fine with that but you'll reach out again because she always does. 2 weeks later she calls again says I was on her mind aka misses me..and wants me to tell her about my family and sisters...and then ask for dating advice for another guy she's interested in lol can't make this up...I was like what? Yeah that's not happening and we're not dating why you asking about my family
She likes you a lot… hope you guys dated
I’m sorry, I laughed like a madman at your story 😂 This is straight out of a comedy movie. This is just FA to an extreme. Sort of have same situation with a coworker, I pulled back from her many times, but she would always come back, wanting to have some kind of connection. It’s almost never becomes anything romantical, although it’s obvious that she likes me in more-than-a-friend way and there’s chemistry between us. I haven’t yet said that I’d rather us be nothing than whatever this is, I was kind of hoping she would pick up on that herself and end this constant back and forth by not coming back. But it seems like we’ll have to end it the painful way 😒
How did this turn out for you?
I have had the same situation with my best friend of five years. She broke my heart into a million pieces. I’m her “big brother” in every conversation
Now I'm concerned that I did the wrong thing going No Contact. So far I believe my ex is somewhere in the Anxious Avoidant category. She broke it of telling me that she had a terminal diagnosis., reached out after just shy of two months of no contact and then told me that she still loved me, but kept saying that she could only offer friendship as she was going through treatment for Ovarian Cancer. I thought this was a way to not have to commit and she was also blaming me for things and showing a strange resentment, but keep me in her life. Fifty-nine days later, I haven't heard from her.
Any updates man?
@@focus_fractured Yes, we met up at Easter this year and I spent the weekend at her place. Although there wasn't any intimacy, we slept in her bed. After that weekend I didn't hear from her for 11-day and was getting frustrated that she seemed to not take any initiative to contact me. Since then, it's been a back and forward pull of her not communicating and me going into No Contact and then her liking numerous posts on my Facebook (as if trying to get my attention). I ignored this bread crumbing. So, last we emailed (I'd rather text, but it seems the way she wants to communicate for now) I said I'd like to see her and asked when she's free and she said she didn't know as she was working a lot of extra hours to make ends meet at the moment. I could believe that, given her medical and rental expenses. So, now I'm just waiting for her to let me know when if she does.
Another update? Was going no contact the right move?@@ConfidencePT
@@ConfidencePThey man do you mind updating us on the outcome of your situation? Similar to mine
I either want more or significantly less 😂 usually if it’s after a relationship it’s less and if there was no relationship it’s more, I’m just afraid of hurting people or myself.😂
But how do I reprogram these subconscious believes if I know so many people left me, and I am not talking about the romantic relationships? I know it because this happened to me and I know it will happen in the future as well (I might be cursed lol).
Has anybody been able to actually ditch on similar believes?
you´re level of knowlege, the clarity of your presentation...
Is it possible to end up putting yourself in danger by re-programming distrust of other people? How do I know whether I'm right to think the way I do? I would love to feel safe getting close to people, but what if I change my beliefs so I'm no longer scared of vulnerability and end up being naïve and people take advantage of me? Is it always a good idea to re-program fear and distrust?
This is a great question. I think it has to do with trusting ourselves, being able to observe and understand others and learning how to have boundaries so we don’t just jump into things with people right away. I identify with FA and that fearlessness in the beginning is very real... need to learn how to slow down and not be reckless. 🙂
Yes.
The fact you’re asking this question shows your issue. You need to be vulnerable and stop thinking people are out to get you or might be out to get you…. 💕
I'm in no way an expert but I have secure attachment and observed in my FA ex that he ran towards me when I pulled away, and ran away from me when I pulled towards. In general I was very calm in this relationship but once I got upset and he was near in tears at my knees begging to fix it. Meanwhile in the week, when I was just calmly showing up and being a safe and loving space he freaked out and ran away from me, literally getting an apartment behind my back and moving out level. So if I were an FA, I'd question anytime I felt the anxious need to chase someone, vs the need to run away. Chances are you are chasing people when they're awful and running away from people who are loving towards you. You may be bored by consistency. Basically, pretend it's Opposite Day.
What does it mean when Avoidants want to be friends after a breakup?
@@sunbeam9222 Thanks for your reply :) Appreciate it. Could you help me understand another scenario? So, in my case while breaking up he said it's better we are friends because of some things. And later he heard me out and did respond to which I didn't reply. Next day he checked up on me once and after that never got back. And my two messages - one was more about how I was more hurt and two, a message regarding a memory after two weeks.
What could this imply, any idea?
@@sunbeam9222 sure, so basically, he broke up because my trust was being triggered. He simply mentioned that let's just be friends. I asked whether we can reconsider and discuss the issues instead. But he didn't want to, simply broke off. Next day, he checks on me to see how I'm doing. I responded but because I was hurt I suggested that I'm more hurt while he might be alright. He didn't respond to that. Two weeks later, I sent him a reminder of a memory to which he didn't respond, only saw the message. And since then nothing. So it's really difficult to predict what's going on in his mind. Because I know he did care about me, his actions said it all.
To Thais or any FA here: what's the reaction of a FA once they propose to stay "friends" or "friends +" and the other person says clearly "no". What would be the reaction of the FA under such outcome? Would it make the FA to reconsider the feelings towards the other person as to try for something else (more commitment) or would help the FA to run away faster? I mean, we all have heard people saying that "you don't appreciate what you have but what you loose..."
Who cares what they think. It's been 2 months since my ex of 12 years broke it off with me by a text. I told her that I cannot & won't be a "friend" with her and we either need to think about rebuilding our family like adults since there was no real reason why she ended it (we have kids too) or I need to be completely out of her life unless it has to do with our kids. She went into panic mode - then ended up cuddling with me and being super nice....i assume it triggered her anxious side that I may actually be gone from her life & I was nothing but good to her. She then said she would be really hurt if I started dating other people. Avoidant people are special. lol
@@jamie-r2034 I am sorry to hear about your case. And yes, activating their anxious site is more or less what I was thinking that might happen. Anyways, as you propose, at the end the only thing that matters is how they "solved" their emotional issue and how the other person feels about such irresponsible behavior
@@gchavb The only way Id ever even try to work through anything is if she didn't cheat or monkey branch but not sure I want to hear that answer right now. Just trying to get through the holidays
@@jamie-r2034 I hope you can recover better and you find the internal peace you deserve. Sometimes hard times are the break point for something much better
@@gchavb Thank you. I'll be honest, since she did the slow fade on me, the biggest change was going to bed with someone for 12 years to sleeping alone in a new place. It's only been 7 weeks and I feel GREAT! I understand her avoidant personality now & can let her go easily knowing it wasn't me. Ironically, the other day I internally let her go & then she reached out and started some light texting. lol Im actually enjoying being single, so im not giving in right now
Here is a question I have.... I believe I may be fearful avoidant, but often times display the characteristics of someone with anxious attachment. Is it possible for people to drift between the two? I have an anxiety disorder which could explain it. Maybe I have neither but I know that there have been times where I want to be close to someone, but fear gets the better of me. Then there have been times when someone pulls away from me, and I act like someone with anxious attachment (needy, afraid to lose them, feel great loss when the leave)
I think there are two types of fearful avoidant, one leaning more towards anxious (another term for fearful avoidant is anxious avoidant) and the other type tends towards avoidant tendencies. You might be the first type.
FA means you are a hybrid of both avoidant and anxiety.
Wow this was great 🙏🏻♥️
So helpful. Thanks
@DeltaTempest she asked me for friendship after 3 months of perfect relationship last month , and I begged and pleaded , she offered relationship later which was all so platonic and she broke up again. She asked to be friends and I said no and went on no contact , now she recently asked me if I'll return to her sorting my feelings or will just cut ties with her forever . I'm so confused she didn't even explained why she fell outa love , she said loss of attraction
My Love is an F/A I'm a S/A, she "friended" me last week; do I still have a chance??
I told someone I didn’t like them when that was a lie…I was afraid.
@Billy B so i cant win in the end or WE cant win...sad
Ok I need help here, am talking to this guy and I noticed he is a Fa, he showed interest and everything but I can't help but feel like he expects me to always texts first, or make a move or something, like the days I don't text because am like maybe I should let him text first (and he don't) he show the next time abit upset or something...
It's kinda hard already cause I myself a Fa and working so hard and pushing myself to heal.
The guy is so great but the moment he showed interest there is mood swings gate opened.
I want to give him a chance but he really is testing my patience here :D
So true
Holly smokes ...... 😟😳😳😳 AND THERE IT IS !!!
Labels, while comforting, usually just obscufate the issue rather than bring it to the fore.
I'm just so tired.
Been too long, YT algorithm.
What about dismissive avoidant ?
I'm not sure what the most recent videos are like. I love your content but for an English man you speak very quickly and your microphone quality is really poor so it's very hard to understand all that you are saying.
If you can fix this, your channel will be awesome ❤ thank you