This is so sad. But I promise you there is someone better out there for you. Someone who wants to govern you as much as you give them. Someone who stays fully present in the relationship thru all the ups and downs. Best thing you can do is 100% focus on yourself. Your own changes and growth. Not for her. Not to get her back, just for you. Then one day out of nowhere someone new will show up and all that work you’ve done on yourself will be worth it. Love yourself as much as you loved her.
My ex, the FA claims i did nothing. In my opinion she mentally checked out the relationship about a month more or less before we officially broke up. Throughout the relationship she pulled away regularly. I didn't chase or bug her ever i gave her the space she needed. When she broke up wirh me she told me that she is married to her job and she can't be the girlfriend i deserve. This relationship was a learning experience that I will never forget.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can't win with an FA, ever - except the day you walk away, grit your teeth and refuse to allow yourself to look back, and you'll have to do that day after day after day until the drug finally leaves your system., which can take months
I got almost the same excuse except she said she just didn't know what was going on with her and that I deserved better. We also have a daughter together so unfortunately i'm going to have to stay in contact with her. I also think she's going through menopause as well, so she's all over the place. Now I have no place to live and scrambling to start over, I feel like such a fool Edit #1: it's been 6 weeks and she's been nicer & more affectionate the last 2 time Ive seen her. She even kinda cuddled with me a little, hugs & kisses but only after she thought she was going to lose me completely. Also mentioned she would feel hurt if i dated someone else. She's so thoughtful after splitting our family a part. Lol
For a little while yes. After the break up in my previous relationship I did whatever I could to not think about it. This was for the first 6 months or so. Partying, going to the gym, whatever helped with the emotions. I think I was being emotionally needy and clinged to some people because I was upset and didn’t want to be alone. Then I started becoming self aware and realized the relationship was unhealthy and had attachment issues.
Over a month ago I was discarded by a fearful avoidant or at least they acted very closely to what was described here. I'm not a party person and they were but he broke up with me because he said how he thought our personalities would clash. I haven't talked with him for a month or so and saw on Instagram he liked a video about "leaving them first" and it was about how they were so anxious they needed to leave. I've given up trying to chase him right when I felt it was unsalvageable so about a month ago and I think he entered that regretting phase but I'm not going to reach out and ask for anything since he was the one who broke the relationship and he should be the one to fix it if it can be fixed. I feel better now with going on dates with other people.
So glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and seeing the patterns. I'm 12 months into No Contact, and I can assure you that it gets better and there are many growth and learning opportunities for you on this grief+recovery path. I have learned so much about myself, what I want, and what I have to offer. And other people are seeing the difference. I'm getting a lot more attention and affection from the opposite sex than before. Not just because I have improved my health and appearance (lost 20 lbs, stronger) but also worked on my core wounds. Don't hesitate to find good professional help and support, beyond RUclips videos. Best wishes!
I don't even know what is going on with this life,but for whatever reason, i feel like i get some sort of healing energy from watching and hearing you . Like your mind,heart ,& voice eminate or something. 🙏🏼
The content you're releasing is killing me, but so, so needed. I'm suddenly reflecting on a past relationship with a DA as an FA, and I am experiencing the regret/pain/guilt cycle. It's so so painful. I had no idea how to proactively communicated my needs, and was so anxious that my partner wouldn't comply unless I was people-pleasing.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I triggered a DA by soflty expressing needs... then got severe breadcrumbing... then I came to a hard stop. ie I stopped bonding for two. I find myself loathing her now but also feeling miserable, which means my subconscious clearly does not consider her worthless. Thank you for all you do
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. It hasn't been easy for me but allowing myself to heal and show compassion to me has help me. Wish you the best 🙏🏻
Her not communicating her needs is the crux of our communication. Both of us are FA. I have been working on my attachment for most of the year. I became transparent with her and she started to as well. However, she would still break up only to come back. Most of the time it came back to me asking if she broke up with me due to not communicating needs and her response was typically yes. I could tell when she was falling behind on her personal needs and would make a point to address it when noticed so that she didn’t feel unloved or as though her needs were too much. This video is nearly spot on. 6 break ups together. I feel like I’m starting to become an expert on FAs as an FA doing the work. I noticed as I started working on how to communicate boundaries and needs better it scared her away. We would get closer through therapy and then an instant pull of the plug. At this point I just smile because I know she will be back and she knows that I fell in love with her soul and the person inside that craves to be loved.
I'm FA and I always like looking at these videos, not just because of the good advice, but also because I want to see how much of it rings true and Yeah. All of this.
I stumbled upon this channel after being ignored by a DA. Then slowly realizing I'm a FA. I may be *aware* of the whole warehouse thing - even though it's mostly stuff that happened in recent years in there, but so much, too much - and I may be aware that I feel miserable and can't thin of anything good, however I very much loathe that DA right now and can't even see her picture without getting angry. So, this has given me a good (and strange) headache but much to ponder. Thank you.
My wife (Pretty sure she is FA) had an affair, fell in love with the guy, and asked for a divorce. It completely hit me out of the blue, and I absolutely felt like the rug was pulled out from under me (anxious attachment style here) After a month of trying everything in power to offer ways to fix the relationship, to do self work to meet her unaddressed needs, to work on the relationship together, she remained unconvinced and was actively dating her new lover while I was trying to win her back. These videos help me understand her perspective, and I mourn the loss of our relationship deeply. I am wrong for giving up on trying to prove myself, and moving forward with the divorce. I know she is going to regret this, but I feel there is nothing to divert this path at this point.
my FA ex came back after a year between 2019-2020 and she dumped me again a month ago. I think it’s possible they will come back but I’m soothing myself by watching videos like these as well as meditating, stretching, getting back into hobbies etc. its difficult sleeping alone as I am more the anxious type but it gets easier it seems and I’m actually trying to improve myself more in the meantime. If she comes back, great but if not, then I’ll be a better partner in the future. Hope this helps 🙏🏼
@JoeyLake thanks.. I actually spoke to him yesterday and it went well. Been 10 months. Just going to wait and see. I’ve learnt alot about myself, I can’t just bal e him. You sound like you’re handling it on a really mature way.
@@BirdieHaze2207 thats great to hear it went well! and I feel that part about the blame. It definitely is both our faults in my situation. I'm also working towards forgiving myself for my mistakes and hope to stay mindful in order to prevent repeating history. however, she is in a rebound 2 weeks after the break up. I'm not sure how this will affect the chance for reconciliation.
now more than 4 months... she was FA and a bit more avoidant she always "used" breakup as a tool and I always make it up and gave her what she wanted so she stay, and the last time after 2 years I stand out and just stayed on my side not being over-responsible not assuming her as a child that doesnt understand so I should give up on my rights, she is gone saying she is not gonna forgive me for my mistakes and shortcomings anymore and it is done,4 months not contact and no reach out from her, thats it
As a FA its hard to know if they miss you or not. I once ended a relationship with someone i loved out of fear. I was in high school, and it was truning into a long-distance relationship. I never ever told him things that were bothering me, and i left him for another guy without an explanation. I still loved the guy i was with but i felt i had to exit the relationship. Do i regret it? Yes. Do i miss him?yes do i have guilt? Yes
@musicandart9711 the timing. Him going to the military. I saw him once a few years ago. He had a big reaction too, but unfortunately, I just ignored him.
With my FA, I went from being “the healthiest relationship” she’s ever been in to having to move out after 3 1/2 years of togetherness because she didn’t feel that she loved me anymore if ever. I still don’t know if there’s anything after that after 1 3/4 months away and not talking except for the casual text. Breadcrumbing is no way to tell anything, especially if I’ve been feeling breadcrumbed throughout our relationship. Wish there was a video that was more specific.
@@michellehanes8136 You aren’t kidding. I really hate this full heartedly. I am so glad that you were able to heal. She has a lot on her plate for healing too, and I would have been with her through it all 1000%. Cohesion is so early labeled as codependency, and that is one of the issues; another is the lie of “I’m better off alone” while looking for someone to take the place of that someone that loved them. Walking away is the only option, and I dislike it.
I’m wondering why my ex fought for his first relationship but he didn’t even fight for our relationship when I dumped him. I’m the only other girlfriend that he’s ever had.
It was too hard for me to just accept that I'm being broken up with over a badly timed joke (that triggered her self esteem issues). She didn't want to discuss it, took 4 days to type up a break up text mischaracterizing me, then when we actually talked on the phone, I finally got the real answer. It triggered her self esteem issues and she came to the decision given her anxiety about future commitment, so she just left, AGAIN... I want this to work, but it's almost too difficult. I know she's worthy of a loving relationship (like the one we had), but when is it too much on me?
@@Slaughterproof Me and my ex went through the same things the last year and a half. We just finally broke up for good 3 days ago. I feel like he felt like you. I think it's too much on you when you decide it's too much on you. I told my ex, ignore me, don't listen to me, don't react, don't say anything when I get 'crazy'. I'll be back apologizing. He handled it well for a long time like that. We switched to long distance recently so that's why it's over. Depends on how strong you are, how much you love her, and if she is willing to put in the effort to change over time (which is the point of you dealing with this for her) if she is not changing, you shouldn't be waiting.
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 I definitely noticed changes between the first and second breakups, but I don't even know if she's coming back or what progress would look like so soon.
@@Slaughterproof how long has it been since you broke up? And if she didn't come back apologizing the first time, then I'm not really sure of her intentions. The best thing to do is distract yourself and fake moving on until it happens. It's the most likely way to bring someone back, but also you have something rather than nothing if she doesn't. Have you been texting her since she broke up with you?
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 she initiated it the Friday before last week. We texted that weekend back and forth, then some the following Wednesday. Then Sunday she texted me about returning some of my things via an Uber, so I called her to get a real reason on the breakup. I ended the call with (summed up) "well, last time you realized this was real love, everyone else told you it was real and to not throw it away, and you'll reach out in 2-3 weeks just like last time. I hope by then it won't be too late. I have a whole life to live and I can't just sit and wait by the phone, and I definitely wasn't waiting last time. Without going into too many details, you had REALLY good timing when you texted me that Sunday night to end the first breakup. There's nothing more I can do to fix the pain you've caused yourself, only you can. Figure it out. Bye." I waited for her to say bye then I hung up.
My female fa and I were together for 6 years. I tried to get her back for about 3,4 months and I've been mostly in no contact for 2 months. How should I try to reconnect? One RUclipsr says to never reach out.
Stay in no contact. It's better for you because you can focus on the things you can control and what will benefit you the most. What she does is up to her and her growth (or not).
Don't reconnect. You're on a hiding to nothing unless she contacts you and apologises, recognises her problem and promises to work with you to fix herself. BUT if she does do that, do the bare minimum and do not think that everything will be roses. It won't be.
Your videos contradict on “avoidance” bc you were one? Be HONEST. The anxious must “accept” but the avoidant must be “taking responsibility”. THATS EXACTLY WHY THEY AVOID
If you betrayed me I won't take you back. Once an FA avoids, they already have fallen out of love so to speak... it means you messed something up. Or they never really cared like that...
Thank you for making all the helpful content 🙏 🤍 I'm wondering what if the connection was really good and you got broken up with by a fearful avoidant? It has been a month and I'm wondering when is a good time to reach out?
I cry myself every night I miss her so much
I’m sorry for your loss. See what needs she was bringing into your life and try to meet them in another healthy way. It will help a lot
I'm sorry, my brother.
Turn to الله brother. He will heal you. If it was a haraam relationship- theres a reason it ended.
This is so sad. But I promise you there is someone better out there for you. Someone who wants to govern you as much as you give them. Someone who stays fully present in the relationship thru all the ups and downs.
Best thing you can do is 100% focus on yourself. Your own changes and growth. Not for her. Not to get her back, just for you. Then one day out of nowhere someone new will show up and all that work you’ve done on yourself will be worth it.
Love yourself as much as you loved her.
Same brother. It’s been 45 days for me
My ex, the FA claims i did nothing. In my opinion she mentally checked out the relationship about a month more or less before we officially broke up. Throughout the relationship she pulled away regularly. I didn't chase or bug her ever i gave her the space she needed. When she broke up wirh me she told me that she is married to her job and she can't be the girlfriend i deserve. This relationship was a learning experience that I will never forget.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can't win with an FA, ever - except the day you walk away, grit your teeth and refuse to allow yourself to look back, and you'll have to do that day after day after day until the drug finally leaves your system., which can take months
I got almost the same excuse except she said she just didn't know what was going on with her and that I deserved better. We also have a daughter together so unfortunately i'm going to have to stay in contact with her. I also think she's going through menopause as well, so she's all over the place. Now I have no place to live and scrambling to start over, I feel like such a fool
Edit #1: it's been 6 weeks and she's been nicer & more affectionate the last 2 time Ive seen her. She even kinda cuddled with me a little, hugs & kisses but only after she thought she was going to lose me completely. Also mentioned she would feel hurt if i dated someone else. She's so thoughtful after splitting our family a part. Lol
For a little while yes. After the break up in my previous relationship I did whatever I could to not think about it. This was for the first 6 months or so. Partying, going to the gym, whatever helped with the emotions. I think I was being emotionally needy and clinged to some people because I was upset and didn’t want to be alone. Then I started becoming self aware and realized the relationship was unhealthy and had attachment issues.
Over a month ago I was discarded by a fearful avoidant or at least they acted very closely to what was described here. I'm not a party person and they were but he broke up with me because he said how he thought our personalities would clash. I haven't talked with him for a month or so and saw on Instagram he liked a video about "leaving them first" and it was about how they were so anxious they needed to leave. I've given up trying to chase him right when I felt it was unsalvageable so about a month ago and I think he entered that regretting phase but I'm not going to reach out and ask for anything since he was the one who broke the relationship and he should be the one to fix it if it can be fixed. I feel better now with going on dates with other people.
So glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and seeing the patterns. I'm 12 months into No Contact, and I can assure you that it gets better and there are many growth and learning opportunities for you on this grief+recovery path. I have learned so much about myself, what I want, and what I have to offer. And other people are seeing the difference. I'm getting a lot more attention and affection from the opposite sex than before. Not just because I have improved my health and appearance (lost 20 lbs, stronger) but also worked on my core wounds. Don't hesitate to find good professional help and support, beyond RUclips videos. Best wishes!
I don't even know what is going on with this life,but for whatever reason, i feel like i get some sort of healing energy from watching and hearing you .
Like your mind,heart ,& voice eminate or something. 🙏🏼
The content you're releasing is killing me, but so, so needed. I'm suddenly reflecting on a past relationship with a DA as an FA, and I am experiencing the regret/pain/guilt cycle. It's so so painful. I had no idea how to proactively communicated my needs, and was so anxious that my partner wouldn't comply unless I was people-pleasing.
Hello, Thank you for sharing your story and We’re so proud of all the hard work and dedication you’ve put into your healing journey!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I triggered a DA by soflty expressing needs... then got severe breadcrumbing... then I came to a hard stop. ie I stopped bonding for two. I find myself loathing her now but also feeling miserable, which means my subconscious clearly does not consider her worthless.
Thank you for all you do
It's a horrible feeling. Sorry you are going through that.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. It hasn't been easy for me but allowing myself to heal and show compassion to me has help me. Wish you the best 🙏🏻
Her not communicating her needs is the crux of our communication. Both of us are FA. I have been working on my attachment for most of the year. I became transparent with her and she started to as well. However, she would still break up only to come back. Most of the time it came back to me asking if she broke up with me due to not communicating needs and her response was typically yes. I could tell when she was falling behind on her personal needs and would make a point to address it when noticed so that she didn’t feel unloved or as though her needs were too much. This video is nearly spot on. 6 break ups together. I feel like I’m starting to become an expert on FAs as an FA doing the work. I noticed as I started working on how to communicate boundaries and needs better it scared her away. We would get closer through therapy and then an instant pull of the plug. At this point I just smile because I know she will be back and she knows that I fell in love with her soul and the person inside that craves to be loved.
The point about mistaking the source of pain makes so much sense!!
I'm FA and I always like looking at these videos, not just because of the good advice, but also because I want to see how much of it rings true and Yeah. All of this.
I stumbled upon this channel after being ignored by a DA. Then slowly realizing I'm a FA. I may be *aware* of the whole warehouse thing - even though it's mostly stuff that happened in recent years in there, but so much, too much - and I may be aware that I feel miserable and can't thin of anything good, however I very much loathe that DA right now and can't even see her picture without getting angry. So, this has given me a good (and strange) headache but much to ponder. Thank you.
My wife (Pretty sure she is FA) had an affair, fell in love with the guy, and asked for a divorce.
It completely hit me out of the blue, and I absolutely felt like the rug was pulled out from under me (anxious attachment style here)
After a month of trying everything in power to offer ways to fix the relationship, to do self work to meet her unaddressed needs, to work on the relationship together, she remained unconvinced and was actively dating her new lover while I was trying to win her back.
These videos help me understand her perspective, and I mourn the loss of our relationship deeply.
I am wrong for giving up on trying to prove myself, and moving forward with the divorce. I know she is going to regret this, but I feel there is nothing to divert this path at this point.
Not a word in 5 months, I don’t think he regrets it 💔
my FA ex came back after a year between 2019-2020 and she dumped me again a month ago. I think it’s possible they will come back but I’m soothing myself by watching videos like these as well as meditating, stretching, getting back into hobbies etc. its difficult sleeping alone as I am more the anxious type but it gets easier it seems and I’m actually trying to improve myself more in the meantime. If she comes back, great but if not, then I’ll be a better partner in the future. Hope this helps 🙏🏼
@JoeyLake thanks.. I actually spoke to him yesterday and it went well. Been 10 months. Just going to wait and see. I’ve learnt alot about myself, I can’t just bal e him. You sound like you’re handling it on a really mature way.
@@BirdieHaze2207 thats great to hear it went well! and I feel that part about the blame. It definitely is both our faults in my situation. I'm also working towards forgiving myself for my mistakes and hope to stay mindful in order to prevent repeating history. however, she is in a rebound 2 weeks after the break up. I'm not sure how this will affect the chance for reconciliation.
now more than 4 months...
she was FA and a bit more avoidant
she always "used" breakup as a tool and I always make it up and gave her what she wanted so she stay, and the last time after 2 years I stand out and just stayed on my side not being over-responsible not assuming her as a child that doesnt understand so I should give up on my rights, she is gone saying she is not gonna forgive me for my mistakes and shortcomings anymore and it is done,4 months not contact and no reach out from her, thats it
This one was good. Tysm.
… except for “check if they do this.” What u shared was all internal.
Do fearful avoidants even enter into relationships? I’ve been single for years! Worried I’m not good enough.
As a FA its hard to know if they miss you or not. I once ended a relationship with someone i loved out of fear. I was in high school, and it was truning into a long-distance relationship. I never ever told him things that were bothering me, and i left him for another guy without an explanation. I still loved the guy i was with but i felt i had to exit the relationship. Do i regret it? Yes. Do i miss him?yes do i have guilt? Yes
May I ask what stop you from going back to someone you love?
@@musicandart9711 Ego and fear of rejection obviously
@musicandart9711 the timing. Him going to the military. I saw him once a few years ago. He had a big reaction too, but unfortunately, I just ignored him.
@@mercyveritas1125 probably
Distance is not that big a deal if you love someone. Move. Make it work. Ugh this breaks my heart.
Thanks!
With my FA, I went from being “the healthiest relationship” she’s ever been in to having to move out after 3 1/2 years of togetherness because she didn’t feel that she loved me anymore if ever. I still don’t know if there’s anything after that after 1 3/4 months away and not talking except for the casual text. Breadcrumbing is no way to tell anything, especially if I’ve been feeling breadcrumbed throughout our relationship. Wish there was a video that was more specific.
FA's are confusing, I know I'm one of them, but I'm better now. It's really hard to tell if they missed you or not due to bad communication.
@@michellehanes8136 You aren’t kidding. I really hate this full heartedly. I am so glad that you were able to heal. She has a lot on her plate for healing too, and I would have been with her through it all 1000%. Cohesion is so early labeled as codependency, and that is one of the issues; another is the lie of “I’m better off alone” while looking for someone to take the place of that someone that loved them. Walking away is the only option, and I dislike it.
I’m wondering why my ex fought for his first relationship but he didn’t even fight for our relationship when I dumped him.
I’m the only other girlfriend that he’s ever had.
It was too hard for me to just accept that I'm being broken up with over a badly timed joke (that triggered her self esteem issues). She didn't want to discuss it, took 4 days to type up a break up text mischaracterizing me, then when we actually talked on the phone, I finally got the real answer. It triggered her self esteem issues and she came to the decision given her anxiety about future commitment, so she just left, AGAIN... I want this to work, but it's almost too difficult. I know she's worthy of a loving relationship (like the one we had), but when is it too much on me?
@@Slaughterproof Me and my ex went through the same things the last year and a half. We just finally broke up for good 3 days ago. I feel like he felt like you. I think it's too much on you when you decide it's too much on you. I told my ex, ignore me, don't listen to me, don't react, don't say anything when I get 'crazy'. I'll be back apologizing. He handled it well for a long time like that. We switched to long distance recently so that's why it's over. Depends on how strong you are, how much you love her, and if she is willing to put in the effort to change over time (which is the point of you dealing with this for her) if she is not changing, you shouldn't be waiting.
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 I definitely noticed changes between the first and second breakups, but I don't even know if she's coming back or what progress would look like so soon.
@@Slaughterproof how long has it been since you broke up? And if she didn't come back apologizing the first time, then I'm not really sure of her intentions. The best thing to do is distract yourself and fake moving on until it happens. It's the most likely way to bring someone back, but also you have something rather than nothing if she doesn't. Have you been texting her since she broke up with you?
@@Slaughterproof talking to you makes me feel so bad and so much more appreciative of my exes patience
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 she initiated it the Friday before last week. We texted that weekend back and forth, then some the following Wednesday. Then Sunday she texted me about returning some of my things via an Uber, so I called her to get a real reason on the breakup. I ended the call with (summed up) "well, last time you realized this was real love, everyone else told you it was real and to not throw it away, and you'll reach out in 2-3 weeks just like last time. I hope by then it won't be too late. I have a whole life to live and I can't just sit and wait by the phone, and I definitely wasn't waiting last time. Without going into too many details, you had REALLY good timing when you texted me that Sunday night to end the first breakup. There's nothing more I can do to fix the pain you've caused yourself, only you can. Figure it out. Bye." I waited for her to say bye then I hung up.
What if the fearful avoidant partner is good at communicating, but still ended things abruptly?
Good question..
CLEARLY WASN'T THAT GOOD AT COMMUNICATING
I was in a LDR with a FA woman. Is it common for them to get seperation anxiety when I leave to go home after intimacy?
Yes it would.
My female fa and I were together for 6 years. I tried to get her back for about 3,4 months and I've been mostly in no contact for 2 months. How should I try to reconnect? One RUclipsr says to never reach out.
Stay in no contact. It's better for you because you can focus on the things you can control and what will benefit you the most. What she does is up to her and her growth (or not).
Don't reconnect. You're on a hiding to nothing unless she contacts you and apologises, recognises her problem and promises to work with you to fix herself. BUT if she does do that, do the bare minimum and do not think that everything will be roses. It won't be.
Your videos contradict on “avoidance” bc you were one? Be HONEST. The anxious must “accept” but the avoidant must be “taking responsibility”. THATS EXACTLY WHY THEY AVOID
If you betrayed me I won't take you back. Once an FA avoids, they already have fallen out of love so to speak... it means you messed something up. Or they never really cared like that...
Who cares if they regret it. Let them deal with their own insecurities. Don’t waste your time on them
Somebody cares 🤷 there would be no school or platform like this for insecure attachments if nobody cared
Thank you for making all the helpful content 🙏 🤍
I'm wondering what if the connection was really good and you got broken up with by a fearful avoidant? It has been a month and I'm wondering when is a good time to reach out?