1. I feel very overwhelmed by my feelings. 2. I can see a big future with you, but it scares me. 3. I'm afraid ( really feeling a lot and starting to feel terrified). 4. I really miss you (and wanting more proximity). 5. Asking where your head is at or what do you think of the future (opening up to hear the other person). Yep, nailed it. And then an FA will find a reason to pull away or go hide.
@@hipnhappenin I don’t think there is a black and white answer for it. In the end, he was too avoidant for me, it triggered too much so I ended it. So yeah, I miss him a little but no I won’t take him back.
1. "I feel overwhelmed by my feelings." 2. "I can see a future with you, but it's scary." 3. "I'm afraid." 4. "I really miss you." 5. Open to hearing the other person. Literally every video you have made is epic (I've been following for a couple of years). I just ended a 5-year relationship with an FA. I'm crushed, but it's much too cold for me, and I want more for myself. (I'm AP)
@@jackieenglish9204 I hear you. I’ve definitely moved out of the smothering (unless it’s wanted / reciprocated), but I remember that was really hard on the FA I was with, especially when in conflict and she would shut down. I remember how much I would spam text. Feels like a whole lifetime ago. But I remember.
@@MarcPrime sending you hugs and a speedy recovery. Know that what is for you will be. If you are meant to me maybe she will accept healing ❤️🩹 or therapy. At the end of the day knowledge yourself & pour into your cup asap after you have a few days or month to be sad. Don’t let yourself get to down.
@@sunbeam9222 ufff yea it’s so painful. Glad you pulled out when you did. Currently taking the PDS AP course. Hope it helps. Never want to experience that again.
Recovering FA here (so grateful for Thias) As a FA I thoight my strength was in not “needing” another. And especially always having an “escape plan” Ie staying connected to my independence. Interdependence and love felt exactly like a trap. I thought my fear of love was a badge of honor. It’s so twisted. But I’m just here to say there is Hope and recovery from this dysfunctional way of being. I am now in the best relationship of my life with my “secure” husband...and I am so Thankful to Thäis for her videos that kept me from fearfully blowing up this relationship out of fear patterns when we started moving toward a deeper commitment and it turned on all my alarm bells. False alarms as it turned out. I am so happy now. There. Is. Hope. And recovery for the FAs out there and those who love them. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your success story. It gives me hope for a healthy and secure relationship with my FA love. I'm so happy for you and your husband.
Would you say that, parallel to wanting to not need another, you also wanted others to need you? Or at least that when others had needs and you fulfilled them, it felt good, that it made you feel good about YOURSELF, a bit as though you were selfishly trying to respond to other people's needs not so much in support of the other but in support of your own self-esteem? This guy I'm seeing is hugely tuned into my needs and does all he can to meet them, but he has a hard time expressing his needs and tends to decline when I offer to meet needs I know he has. It even leads to conflict where he is frustrated about his needs going unmet because I often miss the mark about how to meet those needs given that I have to play a guessing game.
I am a fearful avoidant and it's so difficult. I want a normal healthy relationship but I am so afraid of being hurt and usually 99% of the time by my partner stepping out if the relationship
@@winxclubstellamusa you actually can’t read anyone’s mind. … you will be trying to, but you can’t. That’s an anxiety response to try and stay in control and one step ahead. You need to stop believing you can read people’s minds.
you hit that spot on the FA that I was dating would say that “im feeling overwhelmed” but instead of saying it’s cuz of his feelings of us he would deflect and blame it on something else like “stress from his parents” or etc
I felt super overwhelmed and I swear I would break down crying in front of the guy I was dating. It literally felt like my body was shaking or a nervous breakdown at times🥺
@@thehealingfairee definitely that and at times just holding back. I just let him know im here if he needs anything last thing I want to do is overwhelm him more 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like you're reading my thoughts. I just sent a text to my partner that amounted to "I really miss you", and when we officially started dating, my way of expressing how much I'd fallen for them was "It's been a rollercoaster of emotions". I'm genuinely surprised how much of your context related to FAs resonates with me, and it's been really helpful when trying to understand my patterns
Omg, you made me cry now. That’s so me. For a longer time i thought I was the anxious type, yet from all the descriptions and named traits I read or heard about, I was like - gosh, how can one possibly allow themselves to be so clingy and needy and dependant on another person, and well, you can feel it deep inside, but it’s absolutely out of mind to demonstrate that! A few weeks ago I realised I was an FA. And all I read or heard since then brought me to tears. It hurts so bad when you feel it all inside, but saying it out loud feels like hell on earth, and you’d rather die than have a negative or even neutral response (oh yes, I’d rate neutral a polite negative, make no mistake about that)) Half a year ago I showed myself very vulnerable and asking for more connection from my DA partner, and he left saying he doesn’t need a relationship and can’t give me what I need. I had a feeling I died right there on the spot. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I just didn’t know what to do and how to move my limbs. That was one of the worst ever feelings I’ve ever had in my entire life. It’s hard living like this. I cannot possibly imagine one can experience a relationship in some other, more healthy way. I hope I will one day. Thank you Thais for sharing that. It meant much. It means so much to be seen and spoken for. Can’t stop crying while writing this. And yes, we made up back with me DA. It isn’t easy for both of us, but he’s probably the most loving and caring and vulnerable person I’ve ever met in my life.
I relate to all of these statements. Finding out that I'm a FA has really helped me understand myself, I'm very grateful to have a supportive partner, but it's so hard sometimes
Misunderstanding competition and inherent “power within” is a massive stalling point for insecurity from childhood trauma. There is nothing more destructive to healthy interaction than creating transactional competition. Being jealous, creating “less than” thinking and false dichotomies means an FA will stay stuck and never see the benefit of truly shared intimacy.
I’m definitely afraid of my feelings overwhelming me & also scared of getting hurt again. I know that every relationship will hurt at some point but I just don’t want to be hurt in the ways I’ve been hurt before. That’s what is scary to me.
Do you just push away people who get too close romantically then? Or is it just that you got to move extremely slow until one day you realize oh! We’re basically together!
@@henryzhao4622 I’m not sure I’ve had the second scenario happen lol usually we’re just in the talking phase & at some point I feel rejected, even if I’m not. And then I realize how intensely I feel about that person & I end it to stop that feeling.
@@henryzhao4622 probably so but my emotions tell me that it’s rejection. Part of the reason I struggle with being a FA is the rejection wound that I have. That & I believe I may have BPD so that’s a big part of it too.
@@nappyfries I totally hear you, kind of like when I can’t help but take things personal even if logically it’s the other person just being themselves and has nothing to do with me
I have found that they are more likely to say "dont call me anymore" or "I am not doing any drama" or "i will NOT have this conversation" or "stay out of my way."...as they exit the door...its more like that.
I have thought & acted on such (as you mentioned), and said some of this 🙃 (also said stuff in regards to myself, about my boundaries, not telling the other what to do - like: I can't be called anymore 🤷🏻♀️) .....to a person that kept hanging around/returning (and doing a lot of stuff with a focus towards me near me, also harrassing), after me (permanently) pulling away seeing (and let him know) we wasn't a fit. He was more interested in god knows what (what I saw, minimally sharing scary violent & sexual stuff?) & not interested in me and my needs as a person & not respectful. Afraid of him too. My system thinks of him as someone like Hannibal Lecter I (experiment) unblocked him at a point which made him less provoking/probing to me of a response (that would happen outside of txt), quite 👍🏼 actually I guess blocking was like putting a lid on something that had pressure or something? (I hadn't 'just' blocked him. I communicated first) I felt another end on the spectrum in contact with him: '(@) home' I then internalized that. I am not 'need' or needing to find something in someone anymore. Open to a compatible partner though. This is not a FA's perspective on relationships 🤣 that I know of: feeling scared 'cause feeling like the partner is like Hannibal Lecter (or well ... perhaps it can be .. the potential for such.. but like this, was not very common for me) This also wasn't my partner, this was from my experiment trying a hookup. I'm done with that experiment obviously 🫣 I once before - not from such - had a guy stalk & assault me, was not my thing. And I like my peace too much, its more important then social conventions, like, the meeting with my parents (for various reasons, of which I find not lacking scare factors either) *_I did score FA_* on Thais test. Prob because I do like and can prefer my own company, had some trauma & became more discerning - still openminded & loving though :) I have also had 👍🏼 (longterm) relationships too. And I can talk things through with ppl. Also listen to their needs. I am not ok though with... well ... drama, stuff thats not beneficial for my quality of life Funny thing (?), this guy has mentioned sentences from 1,3,4,5 of the video. He mentioned a part from 2 too, in the beginning: (like don't get too attached? because?) "It can be our last time" I was like ok 🤷🏻♀️ it was a hookup so 🤷🏻♀️ (Did happen multiple times.) He's still proposing me for sex (which I stopped - sex & the proposing for it) 🤷🏻♀️ I do feel very lucky that not only is my harasser very entertaining/fun also & eye candy, I do not confuse that for us needing to get together (I do have love for also him. For me too though.)
He never told me he loves me, but he is very interested when I talk about love. One time I was playful and poking fun at a mistake he made, and I jokingly said “I don’t love you anymore.” He replied right away “Oh? Have you ever?” Later, it turned out he didn’t find that joke funny. So that kind of told me that he is preoccupied with whether I might have feelings for him. He doesn’t say that it scares him, but he keeps speaking more and more about a future together. When we met, I asked him which way he was headed, what he wanted in life, and when he told me, in a few different conversations, I was surprised to find that he really wanted a lot of what I wanted. When I told him that his ideal future matched mine, down to minute details, he started jokingly making plans for us. Let’s agree that when a man says things like that, no matter how jokingly, it is because he really is considering it. He just tries to keep it light and funny because he doesn’t want to commit to having said them, he hasn’t committed yet to this relationship (I am giving him time) and doesn’t want to feel stuck. He does listen, and he remembers minute details about not even significant things I told him. I can tell he is paying attention, and not in a way where he is trying to protect himself but just like he wants to have insight into who I am and what my life is made of, what I care about, what’s at the forefront of my mind. One that you didn’t mention but that seems to me to be FA falling in love territory is saying reassuring things, and things that make the other person feel good about themselves. He will randomly say “hello beautiful,” and the moment I hint that I am not happy with myself (minor things like I’m having a bad hair day), he either denies it or he says something along the lines of "that’s really no big deal” or “but what about how pretty/smart/fun you are?” He started saying these things gradually, and I think that happened around the time he started to feel reasonably safe to emotionally invest. It’s not always easy with him, he does need a fair amount of patience, but I do find some of his FA ways really sweet, there is a coyness about him, you can tell he gets super excited when I reassure him, and I think it’s funny how he tries to not be vulnerable but then he lets something slip and I have to bite my tongue not to comment on it. One time he saw me enjoying the mist tent, taking up all kinds of weird poses to get the water droplets under my clothes, and he said I was so freaking cute, and I kept quoting that back to him at random moments for an entire week, and the shy little smile on his face was priceless. 😂
@@marieliswolfram9087 Haha, I'm glad you like it. Update: we had several fights as a result of him pushing. He usually pushes when he realizes he is "stuck" with me, and his core wounds of not being good enough, fear of abandonment and shame show up. He says a lot of stuff that hints at his expectations that I will be upset with him and that it will make him feel like crap about himself. My reassurances are always short lived, they work wonders at first but they wear off fairly quickly. I know that I can't change the way he feels about himself after decades of him feeling that way about himself, that it's not something that will happen overnight, so I just keep at it, reassuring him, making genuine compliments, and showing him the link between what I compliment him about and how that is relevant to me, so he knows I value him. The fights seem to happen because he seems to believe that in order for me to love him, he needs to be better than he is, because he seems to believe I want a normal relationship and that he can't offer me that, a fear of failure on his part and ultimately of rejection as a result. He is not ready to believe that he is already way better in many ways than all the other men I have been in relationships with, that he is much more considerate, thoughtful, willing to compromise, etc., and that those are the things a healthy relationship is made of. He has the capacity to succeed at relationships, he just doesn't believe it (he uses past relationship failures to confirm that to himself, but he isn't at the point yet where he recognizes that those relationships failed because he unintentionally chose people who were likely to treat him the way his mother did). He accuses me a lot of making him feel bad about himself, and while I understand the hypersensitivity and empathize with it, I have been suggesting to him that I am not the one who makes him feel that way, that it's a trap in his mind that he keeps falling into because of past experiences before he knew me. I think he might believe I am criticizing him with that suggestion, when all I'm saying to him is to try to resist the feeling and sit it out, because it is fleeting, and that the more he learns to trust me, the easier it will get to shoo those feelings away. I try not to poke around in his childhood experiences, which he gave me a gist of but has never spoken about in detail (I can't wait to get to the point where he does, with me or with a professional). I don't want to psychoanalyze, and I don't want him to feel like I am psychoanalyzing because it might feel like a slight to him. Nevertheless, I do tell him to ask himself whether these unpleasant moments between us are bringing back remnants of unpleasant moments from the past which ended in hurt, and that he needs to sit with those feelings and see if they lead to the same hurt again (they will not, because my love for him is not transactional). In those fights, I say what I feel needs to be said, my point of view, how I believe the fight itself is just a reflection of his assumptions that he will never be enough for me, and that it's wrong to refrain from letting things play out between us to ascertain that his assumptions are right and to instead override that with mere beliefs. The last time, he said things just won't work out between us, and I asked him if he really means that, if he would really rather give up on something that might have worked out just because he feared that it won't. He kept pushing, so I said "Okay, then, I am leaving, and since I don't want to drag this out, don't want this to become a cycle and don't want to have a hard time getting over this, I am afraid I also need to cut you off. This is very hard for me to do, to leave someone I love, knowing that it will hurt you, but if my love for you hurts you, then it's better for both of us to be hurt now than to be extra mega hurt later." The next day, he kept texting me, seemingly preoccupied with how hurt I might be, saying he is worried about me. He ended up saying "I can't love you, but I care enough about you that I am not letting go of you." He sent me that after I sent him messages explicitly asking him not to make it hard to leave. To me, what that means is "I don't want to be without you, but I am afraid of committing to you." Yes, it has been a situationship. 😂 This is part one, next is part two.
@@marieliswolfram9087 Part two! 😂 I slept at his house the previous night, and I stayed after he left for work that morning to gather my things (which I told him I would do). I was planning on leaving before he got home from work, but I failed because he arrived early for some reason. The first thing he did was offer me a hug. I neither accepted nor declined, it was one of those moments where you don't know what to respond because you weren't prepared and you are scared of the consequences of both accepting and declining. So there was no hug. Later I asked why he offered to hug me, he said it was because he thought I might need it. I asked if he also needed it, he said "maybe, a little." He made cute jokes, made me smile, and he said he liked to see me smile. He said I'm cute, and he said I'm beautiful. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but all of this seemed to me like a guy trying to mend things. That night, while he held me as we were falling asleep, he said "What if I asked you to be with me but then I also asked to see other people?" I know where that came from, because I know he is not the kind of guy to sleep around, and he told me on several occasions how sex with me was amazing (and I can tell by his behaviour in bed that it's true): that is the guy who fears commitment, because it would mean he will get attached and stands to get hurt. Then he said "That thing I wrote you, I meant to say that I am not in love with you but I love you." I said "I know." Then he said "Is that enough for you?," as though he expected me to say "Sorry, that won't cut it." So I said "I don't care whether you are in love with me, how you feel about me is not important to me, how you treat me is. You have been loving me since the beginning, no fleeting hormonal phenomenon can beat that. It doesn't matter what motivates you to treat me the way you do. I have been getting everything I need from a relationship and then some. I love you, you love me, it's as much as two people can hope for. Being in love is overrated." I didn't tell him that I don't believe him, that I saw the twinkle in his eye. Then I said "What if I asked you to walk with me for a while and then if that doesn't cut it for you, you go and be with other people?" He said yes in real time, without thinking. Then after a moment of silence, he said "You see how we managed to talk peacefully and to say things out loud without anyone freaking out? I just want you to know that I appreciate that." The next morning, I made it a point to get up before him and make him lunch. I offered to do that many times, he always declined. So this time, I just did it. He took the lunch, and for the first time, he hugged me before leaving for work. I need to add a bit of context here. The fights started to become frequent about two weeks ago. For months, I kept asking whether he needed me to leave so he can have time and space to himself, but he kept saying no. That was me trying to provide for his need for space which I could tell he had, but he didn't dare to articulate it for fear of upsetting me. But then he kept having moments where he was expressing that I was taking up too much room. So about two weeks ago, I responded to that need by staying away at night, after he came home from work, and not asking to see him, leaving it up to him to take that initiative (all while keeping in touch and acting as usual). That's when he started to be antagonistic, which led to those fights. I think maybe he suspected I was seeing someone else, or simply that I was not that much into him anymore. In short, he had a need I wasn't responding to because he didn't express it, but then when I caught on and started responding, it bothered him. I have no idea where this is going. But for having been FA myself, I know this "game." Even though I wish this were easier, I am hanging on, knowing that he might not be ready to give himself a chance, but also trusting that he might. I know where his issues come from, and I know that this won't be easy. But as someone who used to be FA, I believe he needs this, for someone to hang in there, to give him the opportunity to work on himself, and even if the only result might be that I invested myself in something that didn't work out, I truly wish for him to make progress so that next time around, he has better chances at making things work with someone else, because I love him, and because more than most people, he deserves to see himself in someone else's eyes and to like what he sees, to trust that he is good enough and that someone will stand by him even if he isn't sacrificing his needs for that person's needs. That night, he said he doesn't love himself, and that maybe that makes him unable to love others the way they need to be loved. I said that if he doesn't love himself, it's because he hasn't been loved yet, that we learn to love ourselves and ultimately to love others through being loved first. He said that being loved hurts, I said that he believes that only because he was made to believe that being treated poorly was love. I said that that was not love, and that he can't know what love is until he lets someone love him instead of running from it. Please do comment if you think I'm kidding myself about any of this. It's always nice to speak to someone who is interested in a topic but isn't involved in the other person's life. 😂
Thais I cannot express enough to you my gratitude for how much you've assisted me, and so many others, on their healing journey, especially as a FA. ❤️ I think it was 5 years ago your video "are they DA or narcissistic?" changed everything for me for the HARDEST and the absolute best. I've since left my narcissistic fiance and now 3 years into being happily single and thriving... you're now helping me navigate the incredibly scary and wonderful experience of falling in love when it's safe. But it feels so strange. Thank you for your very sincere and strong validation and help through these storms ❤️
Can someone in that "feeling too much state" say things like: I am drawn and separated apart by the time I enjoy with you and my fears. I think I only feel friendship towards you?
I always thought I was an anxious preoccupied. At least...I was when I was with an avoidant partner. Now that I got out of that and I've had nothing but partners who are there for me, I become the fearful avoidant and push them away. But it's so difficult to have the awareness. The survival brain just takes over and it feels like you don't have a choice. I'm so tired of this.
I do too. I don’t even know it’s happening. This video was so enlightening. I was saying “I’m in so much pain” and crying a lot but had no idea why. I kept saying “maybe we should break up”, which obviously hurts my partner, but I didn’t realize it was because of this deep subconscious fear.
I've been seeing someone and I'm grateful to have found this video. It's been a long time I haven't felt what im feeling right now and it scares the shit out of me. Im constantly on guard mode and looking for hints of rejection and it definitely prejudices me as my mindset shifts rapidly from "this feels so right" to "im just another option, I better leave"
That’s mee…I said to my ex Dismissive avoidant friend when we were arguing she was shouting and saying very rude things...« I’m scared you scare me »..it was so vulnerable..I just fell down crying…cause it was extremely painful and scary..to be hurt by her like that.…I didn’t now what to do I told her I want to fix it and when she actually came to talk I literally ran away from the whole place…the idea of fixing it is amazing but actually trusting her again is my worst nightmare
So my boyfriend pulls away then comes back and says” I am afraid.” “I have never loved someone like I love you. “He asked me if I am afraid too. I told him of course I am. I am a AP so I told him the more he leaves the more afraid I am. What do I do? I am afraid that the more I open up to him emotionally the more he will pull away but maybe that’s actually going to help him?? My previous partners were DAs so I trained myself not to be super oppressive with my tendencies! I want to help him and help us I just am not sure what to do.
When I initially read 'Attached' I got the impression that I have an anxious attachment but I felt it was not the full picture.. Now I clearly understand that my attachment style is fearful avoidant that can lean towards anxious
For my FA it was: -my head becomes heavy easily (but he never said in which specific situation) -started to say "see you later, I miss you" with a childish voice before leaving my place -asked me what I was thinking while we were cuddling -1 week and a half before breaking up he also asked what I was feeling And then he pulled away more and more and left, while still saying he cared a lot about me
I’m an FA leaning towards DA. I usually relate to all these videos but not so much this one . I haven’t said any of those things to any partner. Though the associating relationships with power struggles was really insightful and I definitely want to know where to other persons head is at in order for me to asses where things are heading. In which case I usually say….‘I’m developing feelings for you and I wonder where you are at?’ If they seem interested I ask if we can take things really slowly, and then tell them it’s because it takes a while for me to trust and open up. I tend to be a lot more up front about my feelings, otherwise I get overwhelmed because The uncertainty and not knowing where things are at makes me feel unsafe, frustrated and confused.
That sounds very DA like. My DA ex was very similar. She didn't have any issues during the honeymoon phase as it wasn't committal & didn't require vulnerability. When I could see she had developed strong feelings for me I opened up and told her I loved her. Her response was Are you sure? 😅😂. Notice how when you open up your feelings with your comment, it's actually a not really opening up but rather testing if the water is safe to jump in.
I so wish I was in tune to all this before... my ex FA did say she was overwhelmed and said she missed me. I told her I Loved her at about the 6 mo mark she couldn't reciprocate until a year. but I felt it from her :-) then when we were close she would talk when she was drunk, saying you know I tell the truth when Im drunk. she was an honest person, she meant she opened up when drunk. She could not open up and be vulnerable and I didn't have these tools to understand her needs. we were talking marriage looking at rings, and moving in together she got overloaded and she ran... I feel I naturally did so much right. but also much wrong an AP here. the love was special. but damn when they shut down, you have better luck getting into Ft. Knox! Such a waste damn her traumas they hurt the both of us for life...
Ok. According to Coach Craig's video my FA was attached to me cause I was concerned. Thing is as an FA myself I can't see either one of us being vulnerable enough to say any of this. He said I miss you and I said I'm scared but the rest of this? Way too open and vulnerable. And trust me, I can't speak for him but I did love him.
The guy I was dating for two mths, told me he missed me when I went outta town in the first 3weeks of dating. A mth or so in, he said he doesn’t want to scare me away with him being vulnerable. He said “I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again, thank u” I said no ur not scaring me away. I said as long as u communicate with me. Now a mth w no communication an has a “new relationship “ w someone from outta state. Hmm.
Im an in-recovery FA. Yeap, trusting your raw inner self to someone is utter scary. Trusting it to a DA, even harder. We’ve been navigating through this very well (surprisingly). The fact that I’m aware of this (and so she is to a certain extent), gives me the hope that I won’t commit the same mistakes I did in my previous relationship.
I feel like I'm either a DA or FA, I feel like I have aspects of both but the curiosity for where the other person is at and using context to gain trust is a big one for me.
Is it normal to choose a partner that you are not attracted to initially because they feel safe. Then you get attached and keep doubting the relationship.
What if you’ve experienced most of those signs from your partner? When you offer space, but they feel like you abandoned and then they drop you and tell you to move on🤷🏾♂️
FA leaning AA, and I’ve only ever said the “I miss you” one, and perhaps the last one about wondering where my partner‘s head is at but that usually comes out when we are arguing about some thing and I am asking if something is a dealbreaker.
AP, madly infatuated by an FA who isn't dating me. I know, complete red flag in my part. We live far away but not sure if it would be fair for me to expect her to commit to a long distance relationship. I've had a bad experience with LDR enough to know it usually does not work without a clear plan in meeting with them. But connection doesn't wait for anyone and I can't stop this feeling. And she apparently finds me attractive and entertains my fantasies with her. Tho recently I have felt a distance, and although our attitudes and fondness towards each other hasn't changed, their availability has. It now takes 24 hours or more to get a response from them (not left on read). Yet they interact with my stories on IG, especially ones that i post thinking about her. I am not giving too much. I am maintaining a fair distance. But lately I feel like unless I don't communicate my intentions, this spark will be lost. I am conflicted on whether I should cut straight to the chase and tell them what I feel or mirror their actions to hopefully reveal if she in fact interested in me.
She may be taking things as breadcrumbing. It is very difficult to try to connect with someone through a LDR. If you don't set a time to actually meet to pursue a realistic relationship, then I would think it's purely limerence.
So what if you're worried that your partner was possibly displaying signs of covert vulnerable narcissism and you're reading videos and seeing these signs of that possibility and, from every video you've seen and every article you read, the solution is usually: "Run away but quietly." So, what if you felt really deeply for that person but you had this huge concern but you're being told not to expose it unless you want to receive backlash from that person? What do you do in this situation? Edit: Reason I ask is because it is either my FA mindset was telling me these things out of fear or that I developed an FA mindset out of traumatic experiences.
If they are a narc, run away. If they are a DA, run away. Ifthey show any signs of this type of dysfunction, runaway. Find a partner who is functional and emotionally healthy
Just say, well I'm not going anywhere, and there is no rush to get anywhere in particular and you can leave anytime if it's not working. So no need to feel afraid.
@@jackieenglish9204 I think the guy I'm seeing is fearful avoidant it's hard to tell. Saw him Monday where he was saying things about wanting a relationship in the future but he's scared/he doesn't want a relationship yet/he does want a relationship but doesn't want to get hurt (he was rambling a bit). He said he'd see me again Wednesday, he cancelled on the day said he'd see me Thursday. I've heard nothing since. I can't tell if he's pulling away out of fear or if I'm being ghosted and strung along ... Idk what to do next? I sent the last message and don't want to send another tbh...
Can two avoidants fall in love ? At the beginning of the relationship I was the same as him avoidant but idk time pass and I started to be vulnerable to him even learn how to be patient with him and help him to feel not scared to be open but I’m the one who started to open to him and waited after few months he started a lil to open but I was like him too mostly all my life I can say but with him I notice what if I have avoidant & anxious attachment I started to do my research and start applying a lot of the things videos said to do I was surprised how easy got to me to open with him like that but now I have more the anxious one and not to much the avoidant With him 🤔
I've said all these things to my DA partner. He was receptive but they went cold shortly after, we are in this vicious cycle. Should not have opened up.
He said dozens of times that I was perfect for him, that he thought I was beautiful every time he saw me... until he deactivated, faded away and disappeared.
This video made me realize I'm an FA trying to date another FA 😂😂 And we actually get each other so well and that's why we are attracted to each other lol
During this video being bombed with so many words in such a speed, I was looking for the answer to the title question...??? Less and slower could result in more accurate answers...
In our last time together before I broke up with him, I told him that I've been wondering if he even liked me. He was genuinely puzzled, but then he said I can see how you'd think that.
Shit, she was right. She didn't love me. She never saw a future and she never expressed missing me :/ huh. I suppose I rlly was just a good friend who ended being her bf for a time cause she has trouble with boundaries.
1. I feel very overwhelmed by my feelings.
2. I can see a big future with you, but it scares me.
3. I'm afraid ( really feeling a lot and starting to feel terrified).
4. I really miss you (and wanting more proximity).
5. Asking where your head is at or what do you think of the future (opening up to hear the other person).
Yep, nailed it. And then an FA will find a reason to pull away or go hide.
This is so me right now 😂😢
@@estherh.1106 If you felt that way about someone but miss that person would you go back or just take the loss?
@@hipnhappenin I don’t think there is a black and white answer for it. In the end, he was too avoidant for me, it triggered too much so I ended it. So yeah, I miss him a little but no I won’t take him back.
Well, go work on yourself. Funny use attachment style as an excuse for terrible behavior
1. "I feel overwhelmed by my feelings."
2. "I can see a future with you, but it's scary."
3. "I'm afraid."
4. "I really miss you."
5. Open to hearing the other person.
Literally every video you have made is epic (I've been following for a couple of years). I just ended a 5-year relationship with an FA. I'm crushed, but it's much too cold for me, and I want more for myself. (I'm AP)
That is a blessing. FAs have trouble leading, but APs are smothering!
@@jackieenglish9204 I hear you. I’ve definitely moved out of the smothering (unless it’s wanted / reciprocated), but I remember that was really hard on the FA I was with, especially when in conflict and she would shut down. I remember how much I would spam text. Feels like a whole lifetime ago. But I remember.
@@MarcPrime sending you hugs and a speedy recovery. Know that what is for you will be. If you are meant to me maybe she will accept healing ❤️🩹 or therapy. At the end of the day knowledge yourself & pour into your cup asap after you have a few days or month to be sad. Don’t let yourself get to down.
@@Princess-ef2ux thank you 😊
@@sunbeam9222 ufff yea it’s so painful. Glad you pulled out when you did. Currently taking the PDS AP course. Hope it helps. Never want to experience that again.
Recovering FA here (so grateful for Thias) As a FA I thoight my strength was in not “needing” another. And especially always having an “escape plan” Ie staying connected to my independence. Interdependence and love felt exactly like a trap. I thought my fear of love was a badge of honor. It’s so twisted. But I’m just here to say there is Hope and recovery from this dysfunctional way of being. I am now in the best relationship of my life with my “secure” husband...and I am so Thankful to Thäis for her videos that kept me from fearfully blowing up this relationship out of fear patterns when we started moving toward a deeper commitment and it turned on all my alarm bells. False alarms as it turned out. I am so happy now. There. Is. Hope. And recovery for the FAs out there and those who love them. ❤️
Cab you please tell what you did to recover? I think I am a FA
Thank you for sharing your success story. It gives me hope for a healthy and secure relationship with my FA love. I'm so happy for you and your husband.
Would you say that, parallel to wanting to not need another, you also wanted others to need you? Or at least that when others had needs and you fulfilled them, it felt good, that it made you feel good about YOURSELF, a bit as though you were selfishly trying to respond to other people's needs not so much in support of the other but in support of your own self-esteem?
This guy I'm seeing is hugely tuned into my needs and does all he can to meet them, but he has a hard time expressing his needs and tends to decline when I offer to meet needs I know he has. It even leads to conflict where he is frustrated about his needs going unmet because I often miss the mark about how to meet those needs given that I have to play a guessing game.
I hope you recover because the people who love you are getting hurt too. I’m a victim of a FA.
@StorytellingHeadshots may I ask did you do it on your own, or through Therapy? Congrats.
Being terrified to give power to someone else bc it's being associated as pain is so 100% accurate...makes me pull back everytime
Especially as things move forward do things feel like they “move too fast” even if objectively they aren’t really
Relationship is teamwork why cant FAs get it?
Go work on yourself. It's not romantic or edgy to treat ppl like that
I am a fearful avoidant and it's so difficult. I want a normal healthy relationship but I am so afraid of being hurt and usually 99% of the time by my partner stepping out if the relationship
Do you find these videos are helpful?
@@lifecoachingtoronto I am FA to and I do very much!
@@lifecoachingtoronto yes I really do :)
@@winxclubstellamusa you actually can’t read anyone’s mind. … you will be trying to, but you can’t. That’s an anxiety response to try and stay in control and one step ahead. You need to stop believing you can read people’s minds.
Look into EFS tapping technique. You'll thank me later.
you hit that spot on the FA that I was dating would say that “im feeling overwhelmed” but instead of saying it’s cuz of his feelings of us he would deflect and blame it on something else like “stress from his parents” or etc
Maybe he was genuinely overwhelmed from his life stressors?
I felt super overwhelmed and I swear I would break down crying in front of the guy I was dating. It literally felt like my body was shaking or a nervous breakdown at times🥺
@@thehealingfairee definitely that and at times just holding back. I just let him know im here if he needs anything last thing I want to do is overwhelm him more 🤷🏻♀️
@@violetsky__7649 that makes me so sad! ☹️
@@Alphacentauri819 so insightful thank you for sharing!
"I'm developing feelings I don't want." That's what an avoidant says! 😆 😆 😆
LOL!
I feel like you're reading my thoughts. I just sent a text to my partner that amounted to "I really miss you", and when we officially started dating, my way of expressing how much I'd fallen for them was "It's been a rollercoaster of emotions". I'm genuinely surprised how much of your context related to FAs resonates with me, and it's been really helpful when trying to understand my patterns
Omg, you made me cry now. That’s so me.
For a longer time i thought I was the anxious type, yet from all the descriptions and named traits I read or heard about, I was like - gosh, how can one possibly allow themselves to be so clingy and needy and dependant on another person, and well, you can feel it deep inside, but it’s absolutely out of mind to demonstrate that!
A few weeks ago I realised I was an FA. And all I read or heard since then brought me to tears. It hurts so bad when you feel it all inside, but saying it out loud feels like hell on earth, and you’d rather die than have a negative or even neutral response (oh yes, I’d rate neutral a polite negative, make no mistake about that))
Half a year ago I showed myself very vulnerable and asking for more connection from my DA partner, and he left saying he doesn’t need a relationship and can’t give me what I need. I had a feeling I died right there on the spot. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I just didn’t know what to do and how to move my limbs. That was one of the worst ever feelings I’ve ever had in my entire life.
It’s hard living like this. I cannot possibly imagine one can experience a relationship in some other, more healthy way. I hope I will one day.
Thank you Thais for sharing that. It meant much. It means so much to be seen and spoken for. Can’t stop crying while writing this.
And yes, we made up back with me DA. It isn’t easy for both of us, but he’s probably the most loving and caring and vulnerable person I’ve ever met in my life.
I relate to all of these statements. Finding out that I'm a FA has really helped me understand myself, I'm very grateful to have a supportive partner, but it's so hard sometimes
Feeling afraid is usually the driving force when I develop the feels. On another note, Thais, I NEED your skincare routine. Your skin is flawless 😍😍😍😍
It’s the ring light, probably :)))
Feeling afraid!! And then running away?
People don’t have great skin because of product. They have great skin because of genetics and because of self-care in general.
@@Gomba13 not necessarily true. My fine lines disappeared due to a morning and evening skincare routine. It helps 😉
@@nikkideller Yeah, that’s called hydration. It’s the most basic concept in skin care, and you don’t need any particular product for that.
Misunderstanding competition and inherent “power within” is a massive stalling point for insecurity from childhood trauma. There is nothing more destructive to healthy interaction than creating transactional competition. Being jealous, creating “less than” thinking and false dichotomies means an FA will stay stuck and never see the benefit of truly shared intimacy.
I’m definitely afraid of my feelings overwhelming me & also scared of getting hurt again. I know that every relationship will hurt at some point but I just don’t want to be hurt in the ways I’ve been hurt before. That’s what is scary to me.
Do you just push away people who get too close romantically then? Or is it just that you got to move extremely slow until one day you realize oh! We’re basically together!
@@henryzhao4622 I’m not sure I’ve had the second scenario happen lol usually we’re just in the talking phase & at some point I feel rejected, even if I’m not. And then I realize how intensely I feel about that person & I end it to stop that feeling.
@@nappyfries interesting.. is it ever you emotionally feel rejected but logically know you probably misread it?
@@henryzhao4622 probably so but my emotions tell me that it’s rejection. Part of the reason I struggle with being a FA is the rejection wound that I have. That & I believe I may have BPD so that’s a big part of it too.
@@nappyfries I totally hear you, kind of like when I can’t help but take things personal even if logically it’s the other person just being themselves and has nothing to do with me
I have found that they are more likely to say "dont call me anymore" or "I am not doing any drama" or "i will NOT have this conversation" or "stay out of my way."...as they exit the door...its more like that.
I have thought & acted on such (as you mentioned),
and said some of this 🙃 (also said stuff in regards to myself, about my boundaries, not telling the other what to do - like: I can't be called anymore 🤷🏻♀️)
.....to a person that kept hanging around/returning (and doing a lot of stuff with a focus towards me near me, also harrassing),
after me (permanently) pulling away seeing (and let him know) we wasn't a fit.
He was more interested in god knows what (what I saw, minimally sharing scary violent & sexual stuff?) & not interested in me and my needs as a person & not respectful.
Afraid of him too. My system thinks of him as someone like Hannibal Lecter
I (experiment) unblocked him at a point
which made him less provoking/probing to me of a response (that would happen outside of txt), quite 👍🏼 actually
I guess blocking was like putting a lid on something that had pressure or something?
(I hadn't 'just' blocked him. I communicated first)
I felt another end on the spectrum in contact with him: '(@) home'
I then internalized that.
I am not 'need' or needing to find something in someone anymore.
Open to a compatible partner though.
This is not a FA's perspective on relationships 🤣 that I know of: feeling scared 'cause feeling like the partner is like Hannibal Lecter (or well ... perhaps it can be .. the potential for such.. but like this, was not very common for me) This also wasn't my partner, this was from my experiment trying a hookup. I'm done with that experiment obviously 🫣 I once before - not from such - had a guy stalk & assault me, was not my thing. And I like my peace too much, its more important then social conventions, like, the meeting with my parents (for various reasons, of which I find not lacking scare factors either)
*_I did score FA_* on Thais test.
Prob because I do like and can prefer my own company, had some trauma & became more discerning - still openminded & loving though :)
I have also had 👍🏼 (longterm) relationships too. And I can talk things through with ppl. Also listen to their needs. I am not ok though with... well ... drama, stuff thats not beneficial for my quality of life
Funny thing (?), this guy has mentioned sentences from 1,3,4,5 of the video.
He mentioned a part from 2 too, in the beginning: (like don't get too attached? because?) "It can be our last time" I was like ok 🤷🏻♀️ it was a hookup so 🤷🏻♀️ (Did happen multiple times.) He's still proposing me for sex (which I stopped - sex & the proposing for it) 🤷🏻♀️
I do feel very lucky that not only is my harasser very entertaining/fun also & eye candy, I do not confuse that for us needing to get together
(I do have love for also him.
For me too though.)
Do they mean it or even if they are triggered by a wound despite still loving the person
He never told me he loves me, but he is very interested when I talk about love. One time I was playful and poking fun at a mistake he made, and I jokingly said “I don’t love you anymore.” He replied right away “Oh? Have you ever?” Later, it turned out he didn’t find that joke funny. So that kind of told me that he is preoccupied with whether I might have feelings for him.
He doesn’t say that it scares him, but he keeps speaking more and more about a future together. When we met, I asked him which way he was headed, what he wanted in life, and when he told me, in a few different conversations, I was surprised to find that he really wanted a lot of what I wanted. When I told him that his ideal future matched mine, down to minute details, he started jokingly making plans for us. Let’s agree that when a man says things like that, no matter how jokingly, it is because he really is considering it. He just tries to keep it light and funny because he doesn’t want to commit to having said them, he hasn’t committed yet to this relationship (I am giving him time) and doesn’t want to feel stuck.
He does listen, and he remembers minute details about not even significant things I told him. I can tell he is paying attention, and not in a way where he is trying to protect himself but just like he wants to have insight into who I am and what my life is made of, what I care about, what’s at the forefront of my mind.
One that you didn’t mention but that seems to me to be FA falling in love territory is saying reassuring things, and things that make the other person feel good about themselves. He will randomly say “hello beautiful,” and the moment I hint that I am not happy with myself (minor things like I’m having a bad hair day), he either denies it or he says something along the lines of "that’s really no big deal” or “but what about how pretty/smart/fun you are?” He started saying these things gradually, and I think that happened around the time he started to feel reasonably safe to emotionally invest.
It’s not always easy with him, he does need a fair amount of patience, but I do find some of his FA ways really sweet, there is a coyness about him, you can tell he gets super excited when I reassure him, and I think it’s funny how he tries to not be vulnerable but then he lets something slip and I have to bite my tongue not to comment on it. One time he saw me enjoying the mist tent, taking up all kinds of weird poses to get the water droplets under my clothes, and he said I was so freaking cute, and I kept quoting that back to him at random moments for an entire week, and the shy little smile on his face was priceless. 😂
Very sweet story, thank you for sharing. Gives hope to others. :)
@@marieliswolfram9087 Haha, I'm glad you like it.
Update: we had several fights as a result of him pushing. He usually pushes when he realizes he is "stuck" with me, and his core wounds of not being good enough, fear of abandonment and shame show up. He says a lot of stuff that hints at his expectations that I will be upset with him and that it will make him feel like crap about himself. My reassurances are always short lived, they work wonders at first but they wear off fairly quickly. I know that I can't change the way he feels about himself after decades of him feeling that way about himself, that it's not something that will happen overnight, so I just keep at it, reassuring him, making genuine compliments, and showing him the link between what I compliment him about and how that is relevant to me, so he knows I value him.
The fights seem to happen because he seems to believe that in order for me to love him, he needs to be better than he is, because he seems to believe I want a normal relationship and that he can't offer me that, a fear of failure on his part and ultimately of rejection as a result. He is not ready to believe that he is already way better in many ways than all the other men I have been in relationships with, that he is much more considerate, thoughtful, willing to compromise, etc., and that those are the things a healthy relationship is made of. He has the capacity to succeed at relationships, he just doesn't believe it (he uses past relationship failures to confirm that to himself, but he isn't at the point yet where he recognizes that those relationships failed because he unintentionally chose people who were likely to treat him the way his mother did). He accuses me a lot of making him feel bad about himself, and while I understand the hypersensitivity and empathize with it, I have been suggesting to him that I am not the one who makes him feel that way, that it's a trap in his mind that he keeps falling into because of past experiences before he knew me. I think he might believe I am criticizing him with that suggestion, when all I'm saying to him is to try to resist the feeling and sit it out, because it is fleeting, and that the more he learns to trust me, the easier it will get to shoo those feelings away. I try not to poke around in his childhood experiences, which he gave me a gist of but has never spoken about in detail (I can't wait to get to the point where he does, with me or with a professional). I don't want to psychoanalyze, and I don't want him to feel like I am psychoanalyzing because it might feel like a slight to him. Nevertheless, I do tell him to ask himself whether these unpleasant moments between us are bringing back remnants of unpleasant moments from the past which ended in hurt, and that he needs to sit with those feelings and see if they lead to the same hurt again (they will not, because my love for him is not transactional).
In those fights, I say what I feel needs to be said, my point of view, how I believe the fight itself is just a reflection of his assumptions that he will never be enough for me, and that it's wrong to refrain from letting things play out between us to ascertain that his assumptions are right and to instead override that with mere beliefs. The last time, he said things just won't work out between us, and I asked him if he really means that, if he would really rather give up on something that might have worked out just because he feared that it won't. He kept pushing, so I said "Okay, then, I am leaving, and since I don't want to drag this out, don't want this to become a cycle and don't want to have a hard time getting over this, I am afraid I also need to cut you off. This is very hard for me to do, to leave someone I love, knowing that it will hurt you, but if my love for you hurts you, then it's better for both of us to be hurt now than to be extra mega hurt later." The next day, he kept texting me, seemingly preoccupied with how hurt I might be, saying he is worried about me. He ended up saying "I can't love you, but I care enough about you that I am not letting go of you." He sent me that after I sent him messages explicitly asking him not to make it hard to leave. To me, what that means is "I don't want to be without you, but I am afraid of committing to you." Yes, it has been a situationship. 😂
This is part one, next is part two.
@@marieliswolfram9087 Part two! 😂
I slept at his house the previous night, and I stayed after he left for work that morning to gather my things (which I told him I would do). I was planning on leaving before he got home from work, but I failed because he arrived early for some reason. The first thing he did was offer me a hug. I neither accepted nor declined, it was one of those moments where you don't know what to respond because you weren't prepared and you are scared of the consequences of both accepting and declining. So there was no hug. Later I asked why he offered to hug me, he said it was because he thought I might need it. I asked if he also needed it, he said "maybe, a little." He made cute jokes, made me smile, and he said he liked to see me smile. He said I'm cute, and he said I'm beautiful. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but all of this seemed to me like a guy trying to mend things.
That night, while he held me as we were falling asleep, he said "What if I asked you to be with me but then I also asked to see other people?" I know where that came from, because I know he is not the kind of guy to sleep around, and he told me on several occasions how sex with me was amazing (and I can tell by his behaviour in bed that it's true): that is the guy who fears commitment, because it would mean he will get attached and stands to get hurt. Then he said "That thing I wrote you, I meant to say that I am not in love with you but I love you." I said "I know." Then he said "Is that enough for you?," as though he expected me to say "Sorry, that won't cut it." So I said "I don't care whether you are in love with me, how you feel about me is not important to me, how you treat me is. You have been loving me since the beginning, no fleeting hormonal phenomenon can beat that. It doesn't matter what motivates you to treat me the way you do. I have been getting everything I need from a relationship and then some. I love you, you love me, it's as much as two people can hope for. Being in love is overrated." I didn't tell him that I don't believe him, that I saw the twinkle in his eye. Then I said "What if I asked you to walk with me for a while and then if that doesn't cut it for you, you go and be with other people?" He said yes in real time, without thinking. Then after a moment of silence, he said "You see how we managed to talk peacefully and to say things out loud without anyone freaking out? I just want you to know that I appreciate that." The next morning, I made it a point to get up before him and make him lunch. I offered to do that many times, he always declined. So this time, I just did it. He took the lunch, and for the first time, he hugged me before leaving for work.
I need to add a bit of context here. The fights started to become frequent about two weeks ago. For months, I kept asking whether he needed me to leave so he can have time and space to himself, but he kept saying no. That was me trying to provide for his need for space which I could tell he had, but he didn't dare to articulate it for fear of upsetting me. But then he kept having moments where he was expressing that I was taking up too much room. So about two weeks ago, I responded to that need by staying away at night, after he came home from work, and not asking to see him, leaving it up to him to take that initiative (all while keeping in touch and acting as usual). That's when he started to be antagonistic, which led to those fights. I think maybe he suspected I was seeing someone else, or simply that I was not that much into him anymore. In short, he had a need I wasn't responding to because he didn't express it, but then when I caught on and started responding, it bothered him.
I have no idea where this is going. But for having been FA myself, I know this "game." Even though I wish this were easier, I am hanging on, knowing that he might not be ready to give himself a chance, but also trusting that he might. I know where his issues come from, and I know that this won't be easy. But as someone who used to be FA, I believe he needs this, for someone to hang in there, to give him the opportunity to work on himself, and even if the only result might be that I invested myself in something that didn't work out, I truly wish for him to make progress so that next time around, he has better chances at making things work with someone else, because I love him, and because more than most people, he deserves to see himself in someone else's eyes and to like what he sees, to trust that he is good enough and that someone will stand by him even if he isn't sacrificing his needs for that person's needs.
That night, he said he doesn't love himself, and that maybe that makes him unable to love others the way they need to be loved. I said that if he doesn't love himself, it's because he hasn't been loved yet, that we learn to love ourselves and ultimately to love others through being loved first. He said that being loved hurts, I said that he believes that only because he was made to believe that being treated poorly was love. I said that that was not love, and that he can't know what love is until he lets someone love him instead of running from it.
Please do comment if you think I'm kidding myself about any of this. It's always nice to speak to someone who is interested in a topic but isn't involved in the other person's life. 😂
how or which mist tent ? can’t see what you describing exactly. what’s a must tent is?
@@Gomba13do you have IG instagram ?
Thais I cannot express enough to you my gratitude for how much you've assisted me, and so many others, on their healing journey, especially as a FA. ❤️ I think it was 5 years ago your video "are they DA or narcissistic?" changed everything for me for the HARDEST and the absolute best. I've since left my narcissistic fiance and now 3 years into being happily single and thriving... you're now helping me navigate the incredibly scary and wonderful experience of falling in love when it's safe. But it feels so strange. Thank you for your very sincere and strong validation and help through these storms ❤️
Feeling too much & not knowing how to deal with it is true
Can someone in that "feeling too much state" say things like: I am drawn and separated apart by the time I enjoy with you and my fears. I think I only feel friendship towards you?
I always thought I was an anxious preoccupied. At least...I was when I was with an avoidant partner. Now that I got out of that and I've had nothing but partners who are there for me, I become the fearful avoidant and push them away. But it's so difficult to have the awareness. The survival brain just takes over and it feels like you don't have a choice. I'm so tired of this.
I'm FA and I can fully relate. It's hard because when the emotions come in I get destructive.
I do too. I don’t even know it’s happening. This video was so enlightening. I was saying “I’m in so much pain” and crying a lot but had no idea why. I kept saying “maybe we should break up”, which obviously hurts my partner, but I didn’t realize it was because of this deep subconscious fear.
I've been seeing someone and I'm grateful to have found this video. It's been a long time I haven't felt what im feeling right now and it scares the shit out of me. Im constantly on guard mode and looking for hints of rejection and it definitely prejudices me as my mindset shifts rapidly from "this feels so right" to "im just another option, I better leave"
Reminds me so much of my relationship with my ex! She’d say these types of things to me.. but then pull away so hard soon after!
What happened?
Sometimes we can scare ourselves out of a relationship, especially if we're feeling less connected to a partner.
@@haikuoflifedo you ever go back to that partner?
update?
That’s mee…I said to my ex Dismissive avoidant friend when we were arguing she was shouting and saying very rude things...« I’m scared you scare me »..it was so vulnerable..I just fell down crying…cause it was extremely painful and scary..to be hurt by her like that.…I didn’t now what to do I told her I want to fix it and when she actually came to talk I literally ran away from the whole place…the idea of fixing it is amazing but actually trusting her again is my worst nightmare
So my boyfriend pulls away then comes back and says” I am afraid.” “I have never loved someone like I love you. “He asked me if I am afraid too. I told him of course I am. I am a AP so I told him the more he leaves the more afraid I am.
What do I do? I am afraid that the more I open up to him emotionally the more he will pull away but maybe that’s actually going to help him?? My previous partners were DAs so I trained myself not to be super oppressive with my tendencies!
I want to help him and help us I just am not sure what to do.
When I initially read 'Attached' I got the impression that I have an anxious attachment but I felt it was not the full picture.. Now I clearly understand that my attachment style is fearful avoidant that can lean towards anxious
For my FA it was:
-my head becomes heavy easily (but he never said in which specific situation)
-started to say "see you later, I miss you" with a childish voice before leaving my place
-asked me what I was thinking while we were cuddling
-1 week and a half before breaking up he also asked what I was feeling
And then he pulled away more and more and left, while still saying he cared a lot about me
I’m an FA and I have said #3 numerous times! Wow. On point.
I’m an FA leaning towards DA. I usually relate to all these videos but not so much this one . I haven’t said any of those things to any partner. Though the associating relationships with power struggles was really insightful and I definitely want to know where to other persons head is at in order for me to asses where things are heading. In which case I usually say….‘I’m developing feelings for you and I wonder where you are at?’ If they seem interested I ask if we can take things really slowly, and then tell them it’s because it takes a while for me to trust and open up. I tend to be a lot more up front about my feelings, otherwise I get overwhelmed because The uncertainty and not knowing where things are at makes me feel unsafe, frustrated and confused.
I feel exactly the same
That sounds very DA like. My DA ex was very similar. She didn't have any issues during the honeymoon phase as it wasn't committal & didn't require vulnerability. When I could see she had developed strong feelings for me I opened up and told her I loved her. Her response was Are you sure? 😅😂. Notice how when you open up your feelings with your comment, it's actually a not really opening up but rather testing if the water is safe to jump in.
I was wondering if I was really FA considering I never said those things either!
I so wish I was in tune to all this before... my ex FA did say she was overwhelmed and said she missed me. I told her I Loved her at about the 6 mo mark she couldn't reciprocate until a year. but I felt it from her :-) then when we were close she would talk when she was drunk, saying you know I tell the truth when Im drunk. she was an honest person, she meant she opened up when drunk. She could not open up and be vulnerable and I didn't have these tools to understand her needs. we were talking marriage looking at rings, and moving in together she got overloaded and she ran... I feel I naturally did so much right. but also much wrong an AP here. the love was special. but damn when they shut down, you have better luck getting into Ft. Knox! Such a waste damn her traumas they hurt the both of us for life...
My wife told me how she felt in a song, the words meant a lot to me.
Ok. According to Coach Craig's video my FA was attached to me cause I was concerned. Thing is as an FA myself I can't see either one of us being vulnerable enough to say any of this. He said I miss you and I said I'm scared but the rest of this? Way too open and vulnerable. And trust me, I can't speak for him but I did love him.
Agreed. I’ve never said any of these except maybe I really miss you. The rest is way too much and I’ve definitely been in love strongly
@@tahirabruce477 ty. That helps me feel less crazy!
Agreed. I’ve only said I miss you & asked if something was a dealbreaker. The rest is way too vulnerable.
@@gogohappygirl I need to stop gaslighting myself. Ty guys.
I really want to be a certified relationship coach. Im still saving up for it and i am excited 😌
we’re in separation but coming across your channel has been soo insightful to learn more about this! Thank you 💖
The guy I was dating for two mths, told me he missed me when I went outta town in the first 3weeks of dating. A mth or so in, he said he doesn’t want to scare me away with him being vulnerable. He said “I didn’t think I could ever feel like this again, thank u” I said no ur not scaring me away. I said as long as u communicate with me.
Now a mth w no communication an has a “new relationship “ w someone from outta state. Hmm.
Im an in-recovery FA. Yeap, trusting your raw inner self to someone is utter scary. Trusting it to a DA, even harder. We’ve been navigating through this very well (surprisingly). The fact that I’m aware of this (and so she is to a certain extent), gives me the hope that I won’t commit the same mistakes I did in my previous relationship.
I feel like I'm either a DA or FA, I feel like I have aspects of both but the curiosity for where the other person is at and using context to gain trust is a big one for me.
Is it normal to choose a partner that you are not attracted to initially because they feel safe. Then you get attached and keep doubting the relationship.
And so quickly these signs shift into total fear and fleeing
Exactly!😢😢
This is great. This is very much me and it's great to know it is something I can work to overcome.
What if you’ve experienced most of those signs from your partner? When you offer space, but they feel like you abandoned and then they drop you and tell you to move on🤷🏾♂️
I’m in love with fearful avoidant and I want to try to make it work. It’s hard but I’m trying
FA leaning AA, and I’ve only ever said the “I miss you” one, and perhaps the last one about wondering where my partner‘s head is at but that usually comes out when we are arguing about some thing and I am asking if something is a dealbreaker.
Very helpful as always!!
AP, madly infatuated by an FA who isn't dating me. I know, complete red flag in my part. We live far away but not sure if it would be fair for me to expect her to commit to a long distance relationship. I've had a bad experience with LDR enough to know it usually does not work without a clear plan in meeting with them. But connection doesn't wait for anyone and I can't stop this feeling. And she apparently finds me attractive and entertains my fantasies with her. Tho recently I have felt a distance, and although our attitudes and fondness towards each other hasn't changed, their availability has. It now takes 24 hours or more to get a response from them (not left on read). Yet they interact with my stories on IG, especially ones that i post thinking about her. I am not giving too much. I am maintaining a fair distance. But lately I feel like unless I don't communicate my intentions, this spark will be lost. I am conflicted on whether I should cut straight to the chase and tell them what I feel or mirror their actions to hopefully reveal if she in fact interested in me.
I think you should be transparent with your intentions, and see where it goes.
She may be taking things as breadcrumbing. It is very difficult to try to connect with someone through a LDR. If you don't set a time to actually meet to pursue a realistic relationship, then I would think it's purely limerence.
How did it go for you? I was in the same situation and told him. Unfortunately he then went into thinking mode and has not returned...
I wish I’d have known this so long ago.
So what if you're worried that your partner was possibly displaying signs of covert vulnerable narcissism and you're reading videos and seeing these signs of that possibility and, from every video you've seen and every article you read, the solution is usually: "Run away but quietly." So, what if you felt really deeply for that person but you had this huge concern but you're being told not to expose it unless you want to receive backlash from that person?
What do you do in this situation?
Edit: Reason I ask is because it is either my FA mindset was telling me these things out of fear or that I developed an FA mindset out of traumatic experiences.
@OGBADU VICTORIA please stop
If they are a narc, run away. If they are a DA, run away. Ifthey show any signs of this type of dysfunction, runaway. Find a partner who is functional and emotionally healthy
For me it often felt like he didn't like me.
I finally feel seen 🙏
fearful avoidant here. I can say I experiment fear of admitting I'm in love cause I've always thought it meant to be 'dependent' from someone
When a FA pulls away after admitting any of this how do you address it and reassure them?
Just say, well I'm not going anywhere, and there is no rush to get anywhere in particular and you can leave anytime if it's not working. So no need to feel afraid.
@@jackieenglish9204 I think the guy I'm seeing is fearful avoidant it's hard to tell. Saw him Monday where he was saying things about wanting a relationship in the future but he's scared/he doesn't want a relationship yet/he does want a relationship but doesn't want to get hurt (he was rambling a bit). He said he'd see me again Wednesday, he cancelled on the day said he'd see me Thursday. I've heard nothing since.
I can't tell if he's pulling away out of fear or if I'm being ghosted and strung along ...
Idk what to do next? I sent the last message and don't want to send another tbh...
Do FA usually attract other FA's ? I think that im a FA, and that my crush is a FA 🤔
Can two avoidants fall in love ? At the beginning of the relationship I was the same as him avoidant but idk time pass and I started to be vulnerable to him even learn how to be patient with him and help him to feel not scared to be open but I’m the one who started to open to him and waited after few months he started a lil to open but I was like him too mostly all my life I can say but with him I notice what if I have avoidant & anxious attachment I started to do my research and start applying a lot of the things videos said to do I was surprised how easy got to me to open with him like that but now I have more the anxious one and not to much the avoidant With him 🤔
I've said all these things to my DA partner. He was receptive but they went cold shortly after, we are in this vicious cycle. Should not have opened up.
What if they never say they miss you 😔
Then you are around too much and smothering them.
He said dozens of times that I was perfect for him, that he thought I was beautiful every time he saw me... until he deactivated, faded away and disappeared.
This video made me realize I'm an FA trying to date another FA 😂😂 And we actually get each other so well and that's why we are attracted to each other lol
During this video being bombed with so many words in such a speed, I was looking for the answer to the title question...??? Less and slower could result in more accurate answers...
Do they ever say mean things and why or is that just abusive
Can do when really pushing away hard, 'deactivating'...Thais mentions this in some of her videos
Thank You ❤😊😊
My FA ex said all of these to me but left specifically because he said I scared him :(
he’s probably scared that u would betray him
he’s probably scared that u would betray him
he’s probably scared that u would betray him
What can be done when the FA partner goes into a power struggle every time they're afraid?
I should have known I was falling in love with him and protected myself better. Smh.
Yep.... I say all of these lol
Will they date someone who is as old as their parents
Mine did
@otakukj great lol
I think he never liked me. 😢
In our last time together before I broke up with him, I told him that I've been wondering if he even liked me. He was genuinely puzzled, but then he said I can see how you'd think that.
Shit, she was right. She didn't love me. She never saw a future and she never expressed missing me :/ huh. I suppose I rlly was just a good friend who ended being her bf for a time cause she has trouble with boundaries.
Yasss!
Wasssaaaap
Have 2 fearful avoidants ever found each other and wanted to start a relationship, been successful in a relationship?
I still have a lot of work to do. Hehee.
Ruined it spruking