Asperger's In Love: From Helplessly Confused to Head Over Heels
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- Learn about the problems experienced in Aspergian relationships, and the solutions, with Alina Kislenko. Aspies in relationships can be the most loving, loyal, helpful, creative, and resilient partners. Tune in to this webinar to figure out how to move your Aspergian relationship from helplessly confused to delightfully satisfying and head-over-heels in love.
Learn about:
- The core symptoms of Asperger's and how they impact relationships
- Common issues in Aspie relationships
- How to find and celebrate your Aspie partner's strengths
- Creating consensual new norms together
- How blame and self-esteem play a role in relationship issues
- Techniques for creating a healthy relationship
Alina Kislenko is a therapist in private practice specializing in ADHD, Asperger's, Sex therapy, and couples issues. Alina has been running support groups for people with ADHD and Asperger's for the last five years, and hosts the Strange Brains Talk Radio Show focusing on strategies for people with ADHD and Asperger's.
A live 45-minute teaching with a PowerPoint presentation, followed by a Q & A for audience participants.
Presented by Psych Central with host Zoë Kessler.
NOTE: This video is a re-creation of the live session from Monday, August 15, 2014.
For Aspies, the video starts at 3:00.
Gossamer Jedi Yes!
I literally didn’t hear anything before 3:00
❤️
Lmao love it
🤣🤣🤣
I could not have found this at a better time. I'm 46, and I was just diagnosed with Autism 3 years ago when I was having my son evaluated. I also just started dating recently, and I'm FINALLY realizing all of my relationship problems have been Autism related. I just didn't know it. And I recently made a mistake with someone I really like. I did disclose that I'm Autistic, but it didn't seem to make a difference. Autism presents itself differently in women, and we are rarely believed when we tell people, or they don't want to take the time to learn what that really means. It's so frustrating and depressing.
Same for me and I didn’t realize it until after 60.
I’m an Aspie dude. Eye contact and touch aren’t hard for me. Controlling my emotions to actions is tough. Too much or nothing. My butterflies are Hulks. My butterfly jar jolts me.
I know what you mean, Jemiah DaPap. My butterflies are hulks too.
I would imagine not too many people have the patience and fortitude to deal with Aspies on a romantic level.
It’s exhausting. They’re often In denial, perfectionists, and bully thinking they are always right.
Some people enjoy the loyalty, honesty, directness (we don't know how to play games), and intelligence.
@@dollystanley5326 Both things are true.
@Jack Diamond Me. Maybe I need to find someone undateable like me?
Great info . After five years of thinking I was the problem and always trying to fix the marriage , listening to this lecture shed some light on what I couldn’t figure out . I’m numb , shut down , angry , feeling hopeless , thank god aspys have good qualities but the never wrong thing , never listening , never a compliment , very lonely sometimes . I will do further research .
Slow video to .75x
it's much easier to listen to.
I was getting to know someone on the spectrum and we decided early on that if something wasn’t “ok” -to have an open and direct conversation about it. The very first time I decided to use this card, gone. They disappeared and said that maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore. 😂 After six months, it all went down the drain when I wanted to have “one” conversation on how to improve our communication. Eventually, they returned but then stonewalled me. I gave up. I was extremely patient and read a lot about this, but nothing worked.
I listen to it on 0,75 speed and she sounds calm then :D
Ohhhhh good idea! Great info I can tell but Wow!!
Perfect thank you!!!! I was having issues
Haha I sped up to x2, was happy. But it's true, she's fast
Literally the best, most compassionate, practical and useful discussion about a relationship between NT and ND that I have found. You gave be alot of insight, hope and tools. Thank you.
My fiancée is an Aspie and we have a wonderful relationship! I listen to him and he listens to me. If there is something I'm confused about I tell him and we discuss it and vice versa. Now, I do get aggravated with him at times and he gets aggravated with me and that's common in relationships in general. He and I communicate. I also have social anxiety, ptsd, anxiety and manic depression but we both help one another. I am so very grateful that he found me and was able to make the first move. i know it took a lot for him to make the first move.
It is possible!
pluviophile27 I hope he doesn't change once you get married... like mine did...
Jen Klym can you go into more details of how he changed. Im in the same situation right now
lol ok .. . after 5 years pass lets see how you fell lol
@@MyWhiteCoatJourneyMD you become sad isolated depressed lose your sense of self hate life and wish for death .....my personal turning point was when my 3lb baby was in the hospital and on a ventilation machine on the cusp of death and my husband said stop crying there's nothing we can do if he dies.... I was a mess and he had zero emotion....hell half the time he cried he didnt know why he was crying and was not sad .... whenever you ask him what's on his mind he says its blank ... they are subhuman monsters who feel nothing .. these therapists give false hope you cannot change how someone's mind is wired .. my advice is get out now or you will regret it ...take my advice...
we are the same I havve Gen. Anxiety and our needs and wants are the opposite of with aspie. But if you study and learn each others condition, knowing how to give space when they need it and how they can calm u when u have panic attacts is an amazing bond.
The example that's being used about criticizing in public? Never critique someone publicly. Always do so in private.
I am an Aspie and have dated AS and NT guys. I relate better to AS partners for obvious reasons. However, some of the AS/AS relationships were more difficult than others. I've personally found that if my partner doesn't constantly try to act NT, things are a lot easier to manage.
And vice versa - I have to navigate both worlds and sometimes impose NT norms on my partner.
I have dated NTs all the way up until my ex (malignant narcissist) and my current partner who is probably an aspie too, but he refuses to admit that to himself which is fine. Perhaps he is not, but he appears like one. If there was a list of 10 things that are signs of hfa he would cross out on all of them, so I find it hard to believe that he is NT.
Dating NTs was the same as taking on a job at the theater and acting like someone else during the time I spent around them (which had to be limited in order for me not to get too burnt out), and I felt like I was not in the relationships as myself, but the version of myself I wanted to become, and wanted them to think that I am.
They were left lacking in their needs being met, and all of them were dissatisfied with the little I was able to offer them. After spending a weekend at their place I needed to be all to myself and recharge for a longer time, and I dreaded having to visit them and put on “the act” again... terrible.
Being with the narcissist did not last that long, but it was extremely stressful for the few months it lasted. I dislike being yelled at in general, and he yelled and shouted all the time based on things that were both irrational and illogical, and he caused me to feel bad by doing so. It got terminated quickly, and I forgot about his existence completely up until now I would say.
The current partner shares my personality type (INTJ) and he has anxiety too, and he is an introvert, and he appears like an aspie and we do have the same lifestyle (video games and being quite isolated) and that is good enough for me. I like being with him, because him and I are compatible in the major things that matter.
Being too much alike is not always optimal they say, but either being alike and feeling comfortable as yourself, or being too much of the opposite and having to make changes and adjust too much so you no longer feel like you can show up as yourself.
With my current partner I am pretty comfortable. He does not bring the best out of me, but he does not bring the worst out of me either. I believe that is the same in his case too.
We both need space and have special interests. Our level of communication is low compared to NT couples, which is suitable for the both of us. We communicate every day and we check up on each other in between our separate activities. We do not have mutual activities and we need space.
Other humans used to judge us a lot and said that we cannot possibly be in love or even care about the other since we do not sit in video calls for hours every day. Well, as someone with aspergers (probably him too) I do not feel comfortable with video calls, voice calls, spontaneous things, surprises et cetera.
We are happy with how things are, and what we do is our normal (he said, and I agree)
I actually recently learned that compatible does not mean that you are able to fit into a specific standard or live up to the expectations that you find in couples on television or the stereotypical romance. Being compatible means that I am me, and my partner is who he is, and we fit together as ourselves. Our individual needs match and we are content with each other. How that looks like when an aspie finds someone alike might be the way our relationship has been for 1.5 years. To NTs it looks pretty boring, dull, low maintenance, uninteresting, flat, convenient. But to us, that is what we want and need. That is our optimal.
But to ask an NT not to be NT is just like them asking us not to be neurodivergent. It is their nature.
@@Catlily5 I meant that it was difficult for both of us when an AS partner was desperate not to let the mask slip in front of me.
@@allisonschempf2230 Oh ok.
**This is all good and clear for NT to learn about ASPIES, and what they need...BUT there are far too many videos about that already.... and a stick has got two ends...so HOW ABOUT a video about WHAT NT partner's needs are and what skills exactly Aspies need, to meet those NT partner's needs---- and PLEASE, post a SERIOUSLY SPECIFIC step by step webinar on how to behave closer to the norm and train and develop and practice those relationship skills that are appreciated and required by NT partners- No one teaches THAT! ASPIES NEED TO GROW TOO! please don't treat Aspies like disabled, not functional people not capable of learning the new skills or personal or social growth, because Aspies are VERY smart and when there is a proper teaching- they can learn and FAST! SO TEACH THEM!!!! PLEASE!!!!**
I’m exploring whether I might be an Aspie. One thing I relate to is that I don’t understand why people say sex is a basic need. If it were, I would be dead by now.
TobyCat exactly totally agree I would have been dead long ago if that was the case like 25 yrs ago
My aspie boyfriend told me if he hadn't found sex willingly he would of raped someone...
For me, it's not the physical act. It's the deeper intimacy I can reach with my partner.
@@tonyashereelynch1079 Dump that guy fast. Some Autistic people want sex and some don't, but wanting to rape people is abnormal for anyone.
Great material. But the speed and tone of voice of the lecturer were not helping me....getting badly on my nerves, but her material is excellent.
i put it on captions; turned off sound. much better.
Well i assume shes nervous because she has ADD, and Asperger's. Ironically negative comments probably make it worse going forward.
Just so you know many of us aspies struggle with verbaly comunicated infomation which is worse when you cant see the person speaking. I hear perfectly well but if I cant lip read its much harder to take in. Also you tubes auto generated subtitles are...frustrating. ¬.¬
If you make content for/about aspergers people, please consider providing propper subtitles on it as it would be so amazing. Its a little thing but hardley any videos do it even the autism channels and it makes a MASSIVE difference. I had to watch this a couple of times to take it in propperly.
thanks for the great vid though. :)
I'm not an aspie myself but I'm really interested in the Asperger's Syndrome (...and pretty much everything else revolving around psychology and mental health) and I must say that the presentation was very interesting and informative! I definitely learned a lot of new things - thanks a lot for sharing :)
+misty day Here's what you need to know. It will ruin your life and you will be alone forever and hate yourself because you can't change even if you want to.
+Typothorax that's not true. My fiancée is an Aspie and we have a wonderful relationship! I listen to him and he listens to me. If there is something I'm confused about I tell him and we discuss it and vice versa. Now, I do get aggravated with him at times and he get aggravated with me and that's common in relationships in general. He and I communicate. I also have social anxiety, ptsd, anxiety and manic depression but we both help one another. I am so very grateful that he found me and was able to make the first move.
its great that your wanting to know lots about aspies!..altho here in uk its not classed as mental health ..altho many of us do suffer mental health issues along side our neurological condition x
"Ask questions, you're gonna get fascinating answers" Lol!
Ha ha ha.. oh my... dating an Aspie and this comment is SO true! Always on my toes not knowing what's gonna come out of his mouth!
Change the playback speed to .75 ! It's much easier to listen to.
Hello, I would like to give some feedback on the sound in this video. I am very sensitive to sound and the mic being used is really raspy and high pitched. Could you use a different mic that creates less static?
Because of the static it's painfull (literally) for me to listen to the talk. I think it's possible more ASD people struggle with this.
Thank goodness i wasnt the only one :) lol
I don’t have ASD, but totally relate. It was grating and uncomfortable to hear...😬
I agree. It sounds better at 0.75
Highly agree!!!! I was looking in the comments for a recap because I don’t think I can listen to the video. 😂😭
Yes! I'm NT and it's annoying for me!!
This was very interesting to hear as a diagnosed aspie malle. At the moment I am single and not intending to get married and single...But this was still usefull.
dubbeltid Thanks for the feedback and for listening! It was really fun to record!
- Alina (the presenter) from www.ADHDInterrupted.com
37:03 “Wooooww … that was an ammmmaaaazzzzing presentation … yeeeaah” 🤯
This was hard to follow for a number of reasons but that aside, I am a Myers Briggs INFJ. I am very adaptive to a variety of people, see the good in others, and very sensitive to what others are feeling and experiencing, and so on. Yet because I am an INFJ I need someone who can understand that I operate from a very intuitive feeling place. I feel it would be exhausting as a NT if I had to live and relate in my logical brain all the time. I am also more expressive than most people. I’m trying to understand the degree to which me simply being me would be triggering to an Asperger partner (or even friends for that matter). I don’t want to walk on eggshells. I’m pretty sure my last boyfriend was very high functioning autism. I am trying to understand more about it. I never felt seen, heard, or understood and yet I made such an effort to understand him, his interests, what he liked, etc. I was exhausted and I could not go on. I’d appreciate any thoughts in this area.
I completely empathize with you! It sounds like you and I had the SAME experiences with our ASPIE Partner’s. Last week I had an AHA moment when I had my new therapist make the assumption that my ex-fiancée had Asperger’s because although we’re not together anymore, we still communicate. I too was exhausted and I could not go on. Although he did go to couple’s therapy with me, he did NOT believe in therapy and just showed up for me. He’s thinking was extremely rigid and obsessive vs myself extremely adaptive, sensitive. My sensitive attitude made him angry and unsupportive because he couldn’t empathize. He actually wanted me to give him a step by step on how to make me feel better - give me Kleenex, hug me. Which for us INFJ’s, it’s second nature to be empathetic. The breakup was so hard for me because we were engaged, he bought a home for us, he was highly loyal, extremely reliable/dependable. I completely felt unseen, unheard or understood. It became very lonely. Felt like a one-sided relationship weighed heavier on his side. Since he was brutally honest, my feelings were hurt easily which made him angry for “acting spoiled” in his mind. After my break up, my self esteem was completely broken and am still healing. I’d love to connect with you further off-line if you’re interested? Uama01@gmail.com
I´m an INFJ and I have Asperger´s syndrome and I can tell you that every person with ASD is different, but in my experience I have a bad time comprehending my own feelings, specially with complicated emotions, but when I feel something it´s too strong that I just don´t know what to do or how to comunnicate it, maybe he just don´t know how to express it
ZANZIBARLORUAMA I had a similar experience. I too am broken, perhaps beyond repair. Sadly I really love this man but unlike yours, he won’t even discuss ASD or go to therapy. After he decided to move in with me, he got cold feet and had a melt down, then decided to discard me completely. I was SO blindsided. I will never trust another man. This is a real low point!
Wow.. as an infj with a fright with Aspergers this makes me wonder if a relationship could work. I love him to death but damn
Thank You! I am an empath with some Aspy treats that was in a relationship with someone that was full on and acted like a contrary. Very hard so much love but impossible. I am to tired now.
I think it's kinda funny how hacked off the moderator got when the speaker started flipping through the slides. Good information! Thanks
We're not mind readers, we need direct communication. Relationship 'games' that are trendy amongst men in response to toxic feminism are frustrating, illogical, and most likely to be interpreted as rejection.
❤
Games are trendy among men? I guess, if you're a woman, you're used to not having the need of lifting a finger to get a free pool of attention and relationship proposals. And you still complain just for not having "direct communication"?
I don't understand this what your saying
Relationship games?
Interpreted as rejection?
This is such a blessing but I beg you to please slow down your talking. You may be nervous with a ton of information & not a lot of time, so I understand, but please find a way😊❤I really appreciate all of your work❤
You can slow down the speed on the tools on RUclips.
Please don't simply slow down, my ADHD makes me space out when listening to slow speech. BUT(!!!!) please pause between the points you make and if possible pronounce a little more clearly, especially via telefone(??) it is very hard and tiring to listen and pay attention having sensory processing issues. Nevertheless, great talk, thank you!
Lol, I listened to it on double speed the whole time. I must say it was a bit fast.
I'm thinking Victorian-era England was an aspies doing, minus the ill-fitting clothing. Rules, rules, rules. Everyone follow rules. Be in control of emotions. No touching on dates, for a year or so, no demands of the men aside from providing. What do you think about this?
I think it sounds like a great time 😂😂😂
Seriously though, IDK, good item to think about.
That makes sense! I'm often found myself attracted to Victorian-era England good positive stuff, especially the rules.
Ill fitting clothes? I love it!
Victorian England had the emotional self-soothing techniques of a 15 year old me (sad? You have Hysteria, and the treatment is to get off)
This comment is hilarious, so true though
the only aspie expert is an aspie
😂 😂 😂 And this is a perfect example of why democracy is a failure.
(that has nothing to do with this conversation but it felt right at the time 😂😂😂)
We don’t have low empathy or compassion quite the opposite
I am totally normal and my bf is an aspie. We compliment each other's personality, behaviour and outlook and i can say that i found someone that is my perfect match.
I wish I had found this a month ago 😔 very interesting and super insightful. Just poor timing on my behalf.
Hey everybody, there is an option on youtube here for different speeds for the video! ;)
although it sounds too robotic...
😂
Ugh what if they hate being asked questions?!!! My ex bf hated questions from anyone because it felt intrusive and threatening.
Allison Schempf , same with my fiancée. For him, it also depends on how the questions are asked.
Respect his wishes if he feels uncomfortable stop.Simple as.
What if the questions are needed to assess if he marriage would work? There are only two choices, ask or don't ask. You might make him more comfortable by not asking questions, but it could come back to haunt you.
you are marrying aspergers.
I cannot ask any questions. He gets so angry.
Curious as I am not sure if I have this, but a lot of things resonate. I don’t even get to the start of relationships as I never get it. I’m used to people rejecting me for being weird so don’t believe anyone would actually like me if they got to know me anyway.
Look for the other weirdos. I am in a small group of weirdos. We get along as well.
This is excellent!
This seems like a lot of work! But the juice is worth the squeeze!
I don't know how to take that but juice is nice 😂
Okay, my next caper is that I'm going to get a hot Aspie for my birthday! I'm putting it out into the universe. 😂 😂 😂
I have asperges and sometimes its hard for me to express my feelings to someone i dont mind making the forst move but its hard for me to it does take alot
I have a guy that I've been seeing for 5 years. We can't figure out what we are. He mentioned to me he doesn't know what we are. He treats me like he does not love me such as when we spend time together after he cuts me off all communications for a while like months days sometimes. This is what I don't like about what he does to me and hurts me. I told him this and some things he's said to me that he doesn't remember. But he has told me he has been trying to say he loves me but has been doing the opposite to me. Please Help !
If you’re on the spectrum, get yourself a lover with ADHD, you won’t regret it!
ADHD is different than the Autistic Spectrum, correct?
@@truedepth3 yes
@@bananewane1402 Why would an ADHD and an Autistic be good together? Do you have any info or reasons?
@@truedepth3 I have had an ADHD boyfriend for 11 years. We aren't exactly the same but we are both neurodivergent and can understand each other more easily. I know of other ADHD + Autism pairs also. It can work.
Felt there was far too much unfair criticism in the comments. Very many good suggestions. Think vou got the balance right of promoting understanding on both sides.
Thank You So So Much!!!
Phew thanks for that tip when I turned down speed I avoided an incipient heart attack :-@
Our iq doesn’t go down at all we are highly intelligent don’t criticise us tell us what we’re doing right we are always being swamped by everyone’s negativity
Bad subject for this woman to be presenting. She talks way too fast and her voice tone is tough to listen to. Just an aspie's opinion. We have trouble with sound.
david fenn I think she actually has aspergers too😬
wow! I loved it
I have aspergers. I find it next to impossible to even have friends .. So having a relationship is obvious out of the question. Life is incredible boring.
wealthyintime1 im going to post the same as I did for someone else.
that's not true. My fiancée is an Aspie and we have a wonderful relationship! I listen to him and he listens to me. If there is something I'm confused about I tell him and we discuss it and vice versa. Now, I do get aggravated with him at times and he get aggravated with me and that's common in relationships in general. He and I communicate. I also have social anxiety, ptsd, anxiety and manic depression but we both help one another. I am so very grateful that he found me and was able to make the first move. I know that took a lot for him to do that.
Wealthyintime I am AS and have an AS husband-- check out AspergerExperts and consider getting some of their online courses-- they are AS who developed coping skills and training for AS individuals... it could be helpful to you regarding your boredom and isolation. Best wishes to you!
Same i feel depressed and want to die although i would very much like a female to love
"Having a relationship is obvious out of the question". In these words light, it's also obvious out of the question that you're a man, aren't you?
I have aspergers and add, and I have a partner. He is kind of similar, but I still have one even though he is similar. It is online for now, but there are many online platform you can encounter someone else. Especially through video games.
Really interresting video
I think that information like this being spread around the internet underestimates the fact that this is a serious disorder, and that people with this disorder have serious issues relating with other people and understanding cultural norms. These are not people that are just a little quirky or eccentric. It's OK to try to promote acceptance, but not to go in the other extreme and glamorize something that is clearly a mental illness and if left just simply untreated or udiagnosed can actually have consequences, more often on other people, than on the person with the disorder.
Elena Kusevska it’s not a mental illness. You should educate yourself on the topic before making such comments.
And your use of the word cultural is incorrect in any event. I think what you were implying is social norms. In America, we are a country of many cultures so there is no cultural norm but an integration of many cultures.
reliable??? Not a chance! my aspie is anything BUT reliable!
You just haven't figured out the pattern. BTW I'm Cancer (sun) and Aspie so... 😂 😂 😂 But I do have a pattern. It doesn't seem like it, but it's there.
I am unreliable too. Everyone is different.
This needs an update.
Do aspies abide in the Golden Rule ?
Do unto others as you want done unto yourself ?
Thinking ?
Feeling ?
Shareing ?
Co-existing ?
I dont understand why anyone cant or dont understand this is foundation !
I dont excuse it to anyone or anything excep My Creator/ Our Creator !
Yes, we're autistic not antisocial. Just understand that the creator made us different and it's not for you to question his design.
Yes, but the way we want to be treated is different from the way you want to be treated in some ways. This causes misunderstandings.
Is this training for non-autistic about how to deal with autistic persons? Or vice versa?
Also, is it really true that it's expected to stay together at a concert? =p
I think it's both. And maybe not intentially so, I think it would be useful to humans in general. I mean have you seen the divorce rates?
I need help! I'm in love with this guy that just told me he has this and is trying to explain to me what's going on with our relationship. 5 years. I need help.
isnt there help in this video? maybe you should try out the relationship schedule thing
The sound makes this unbearable. Too bad; information was promising.
Year. Same problem here. :( Would like to watch it, but the sound is so unbearable -.-
@@katiewolfsherz3399 someone above suggested using the close captions. Maybe give that a shot?
I have it my husband don't understand me he think am mean person
nerdly girl Your comment really upset me, I hope your husband is more understanding of who you are now
I'm seeing a man who just text messaged me that he has Aspergers. Our relationship is off and on. He cuts off all communications and does not talk to me after we spend time together discussing issues with our relationship and then he responds in this manner afterwards. It's hurtful and I get sad he refuses to talk to me for months sometimes. This time I'm not sure if he will eventually come back and,talk to me. I miss him. Please help. Not sure if this is Aspergers as he tells me that this is the issue with him. And he's also stated that he has nit picking issues on people as well that he does not like about himself.
OMG, I feel like we are dating the same person! I am NT, he has Asperger's. Any time commitment came up he would go cold, have a meltdown and leave. We dated three years and now we are not. I miss him, but he told me he did not feel like he was in love anymore and vanished. IT has been very hard.
TK OHearn dame deal. What is truly maddening is that HE wanted to move in, HE wanted the relationship. I did too, but sensed that if I pushed it he would get scared. As the time grew close for him to give his landlord notice, he became different. Eating more, sleeping more, no sex. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing. Finally at the last minute he had a meltdown and said he want to keep his place. I was HOPING after he got back to his safe little hovel that he would calm down in time and miss me. Instead I got a phone call saying that now he wanted to break up completely. That it wasn’t me it was him....that he did not want to be in a relationship with anyone. He would prefer to be a hermit. WTF? Yes I am very understanding but this is so inappropriate on many levels. Man up and come tell me to my face!
I too likely ASD and I am 100% certain he is. But he would not talk about it. He is 38 and never married or even lived with anyone (HUGE RED FLAG!) In the beginning I thought he was just extra selective, and he definitely is NOT right for most, but we got along SO well! I am heartbroken! When I asked why his feelings changed overnight he said HE DID NOT KNOW. His ASD has caused him huge problems with jobs (he can’t stick with any so he drives Uber) family, friends (he has few and barely sees them) and romantic relationships. Yet he has ZERO interest in learning anything about ASD. I want him to be happy, even if it can’t be with me. But the way he is now, he will end up old and alone. Sad!
@@nicolaxoxo1 Mine was 55. Can you believe it? He would not consider anything other than keeping his house and staying at my place. After three years I finally insisted on knowing where it was going so he told me he did not love me and I have not heard anything since. He is perfectly fine without me. It was extremely heartless and cruel. Like flipping a switch. He never understood that in normal relationships, it is frustrating and awful when someone cannot decide if you are even important to them. I felt horribly strung along and used. My heart is broken. After three years to find out he never loved me, that I was some sort of distraction from his care for his aging mom?
As soon as she passed on, he was gone. It has really made so unbelieving of relationships and he did all of this when my school closed and I was laid off. I quickly found a new position and am putting my life back together. But he caused so much pain and heartache. But because he has Aspergers, he totally unaccountable for his behavior. I really don't think Aspies and NTs should be together, because they are unfeeling robots! He pretended the whole time!
and Aspies have strict RULES about how they want you to act and how to do things, but do not have those same rules for themselves, like they own you! Like they do NOT do chores and if you ask them they blow up!
That's not an aspie, that's just an asshole
Spot on. Aspie friend won’t work around the house and I listed 25 things I can’t do or say because he will have major meltdowns and leave or throw me out!
Wow. I’m afraid now. A guy I know could be an aspie. Would asking them direct wrk?
I think I can relate to this. I don't understand him. I having a hard time figuring him out. My guy does nit pick at things I do. He said he doesn't like about himself because it cause him to fail at relationships so he told me that... but I just don't understand the things he does to me if he loves me why does he cut all communications off with me all the time? I'm confused about that and I dont understand why my guy does this to me. I never know if he will talk to me again and come back to me. I just don't know anymore. Help me
Not all of us are like this...
Is the speaker on the spectrum? She keeps saying we... I'm just trying to decide how much weight to give this information...
Can you please explain to me?
Sounds as if you are presenting a lot of good information. You really need to slow your speech rate.
so its basically like having a relationship with a really immature person that has no real chance of matturing
Did you even watch the video??
Lol and all the so called normal cunts in the world are doing a splendid job. Notice how there is a domestic violence problem in Australia...certainly due to all those people on the spectrum aye...fucking moron.
Autistic people are both more and less mature than you so-called "normals"
I'd say it's the opposite, Aspies are way too mature, way too logical, it takes what NT's call "magic" from the relationship. It's like an alien trying to enjoy videogames when they just get bored and deem it useless, something like that.
I'm sure this is really helpful, but you talk way too fast for me to follow.
Heheh then you wouldn't like Doctor Who 😆.
All of this sounds great but if I tried absolutely any of this with my undiagnosed girlfriend I would be met with any of the following.
she would think I am being intrusive and just dismiss the conversation.
Id Be ignored, and I seriously mean just ignored.
I be met with total silence and a blank stare at the floor.
She would just leave the room cos she has lots of things to do.... She always has lots of things to do.
Id be met with aggression and 'do we have to do this now' type comments.
Before I have even started explaining what I wanted to say she would become uptight and anxious.
If I did manage to start explaining any of these she would play the victim like I am having a go at her.
If I did get through to her she would then tell me that the way she is is only because of how I am and that 'i don't realise how aggressive I am when I talk'
No matter what angle I was to approach her with any of this stuff it would not be met with someone who would want to discuss it, she hates depth of any kind whatsoever and all talk is very much on a surface level ie: Horses, dogs..... In fact there is no other conversation 🤣
I have been incredibly patient for five years and have done nothing but study all about autism, Asperger's, narcissism, bpd, OCD, ADHD etc etc all in an attempt to make things work.
She truly is a remarkable and beautiful girl who does the sweetest things and I completely love her.
The trouble is is that she is totally non responsive to anything I do, we don't have sex.... Ever! There is no kissing, touching, cuddling intimacy or affection... And I really mean ever when I say ever 😢
It hurts because I know a lot of it comes from insecurity and a fear of not being good enough, she gets angry at the drop of a hat and also totally excited at the sweetest and tiniest of things. There is an absolute ton more I could say but I'll spare you 🤣
If I could only manage to get her to get tested I just know it would make all the difference in her life and it would also make her see exactly how much I love her and I just accept her no matter how she comes and that all this time I have not 'been after' something
Ps: she talks 'exactly' the same ias the girl in the video, no breaks, no breath and jumps from one topic to the next without any space at all and can keep it going fir a whole day about one or various subjects.
Thanks for reading
Mr Exhausted 😴
Time to leave.
Why are people with asperger's more sensitive to stress?
super duper stupor Because they don't have as many filters (or non at all, at times) as NT people. So everything that's coming in is louder, more vibrant, mixed up and so on. Stress builds up more quickly that way. Where an NT person misses certain things because they are filtered out an ASD person is bombarded with sounds, feelings, smells, and other stimuli. So there treshold is reached much quicker than a NT person's treshold.
You could see it as filling up a jug with sand. A NT person has a filter that catches stones and twigs when you poor the sand in the jug. The ASD person has a filter with big holes in it, or no filter at all. So the jug is filled up way quicker.
Stress can be caused by being bombarded by stimuli from the outside world as well as from the inner world of a person, like feelings, thoughts and sensations.
I hope this explanation helped. Feel free to ask more questions. I am happy to try and explain.
This is a great explanation for those AS who function like this -- but I'd like to point out that this is not true for all AS individuals.
What you describe as filters is better described as RAM for me -- my brain is like slow RAM that bogs down -- too many functions requested to process all at once, and the RAM glitches temporarily...That is how the Executive functioning 'deficit' occurs for me -- not enough RAM 'space' or 'energy' to process incoming input/events.
@Jozina1 are you NT or AS? I just want to give you feedback that your descriptions sound really generalized and you did not include any statement that not all ASD individuals are the same! Please don't lump us all into one set of general functioning skills! Thanks for listening.
Apparently (for me) social anxiety uses too much adrenaline and then the cortisol "runs out" and then you get more and more stressed. I think that's what they said... Idk, I only recently came out as an Aspie after years of fearing bullying.
I do believe that some have a genetic influence that relates to response to fight or flight and the hormones released and the inability to break them down too?!
I’ll have to look the specific genetic links up again, but believe that COMT is a player...MTHFR can affect some thing too, as well as other aspects
super duper stupor we have to do so many tasks manually that neurotypicals do automatically that it’s exhausting
lol @ trying to teach allistics about logical fallacies though. they don't care if things are fallacious because when they're fighting with you; their language should be taken as impressionistic descriptions of their feelings. i think they would think it was irrelevant and insulting to try to talk to them about fallacy.
Isn’t this part of narcissism? Or might be mistaken for it?
Sharon Lieding I too was thinking some of the behaviors might look like narcissism. I also wonder how many people might claim to be on the spectrum when they’re not but they’re behaving badly to control their partner. I think my ex boyfriend had some issues looking back. However, unlike what is stated in this video, he had no interest in supporting me, understanding me or trying to grow together. That’s why I started to think maybe there were some other underlying reason. He had no empathy for me whatsoever and was often very abrupt in relating to me not to mention dismissive.
And I wonder, along with this perspective in the comments...how many people that are thought of as narcissists are actually Asperger's afflicted and the responses from them are not understood because of that : )
Çatherine Ozarko I am sure that’s a strong possibility
I think there is a video (or article) that compares the two.
No, autistic is the opposite of narcissism. Neurotypicals are the narcissists.
try decaf
AsPERger, not ass burger. That's P-E-R...
It’s correctly pronounced Ass-burj-ers , after Hans Asperger the German doctor 👨⚕️ who first discovered it.
@@TheLace Which completely makes sense in that and "I" or an "E" after a "G" causes it to make a "J" sound according to the rules, barring the exceptions of course. Thank you. :-)
What's love? I wish I knew no-one has ever loved me. I hate having aspbergers because of how alone I am in the world. But who cares how I feel no-one cares about me ever. I don't matter my life doesn't matter to anyone I hate being so alone in the world and I hate that no-one cares about me or loves me all I get isnothing but hatred from everyone and I'm tired of it I just want to give up and die
Hey, maybe it is a blessing from God to be alone, be content with this. After all didn't God come down in flesh and blood to experience our weakness in the person of Jesus Christ, the God Man. He lived a sinless life, died on the cross for the sins of His people and rose again from the grave. What greater love than that is there? If Christ died for your sins and for you, gave His life for you, what more can you possibly ask in life? There is no more for heaven to gift us than eternal life with Jesus Christ. The Creator of the universe came down to rescue such as you and I, hopeless sinners. If you understood this by faith, your life would be radically changed. However, only God can change your heart and turn that loneliness into a blessing. I pray for you.
@@christianmama2441 I wasnt born when all that happened so in heinsight he didn't die for me noone died for me. That happened for abunch of godless men over 2000 years ago. So ya that like me having to pay a black man reparations for something I had nothing to do with over 200 years ago. It has no bearings with what's going on in my life in this present day and age so if your going to be one of those preachers that's going shove god down my throat why don't you actually get off your ass and help someone who's struggling in life and who's lonely as fuck instead of being an asshole and just giving me a bullshit sermon. I don't need no invisible man that can't do shit to help me. I need ppl who can see my pain and struggles and who care enough to help me out give me an opportunity to better myself instead of knock me down further when I'm already hurting pretty bad so fuck you asshole I don't need no bullshit
A “specialist “ that doesn’t realize that for her audience she speaks too fast. Very strange
Well, she said twice at the beginning that she was diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers, so she likely was unaware. 🙂
You lost during the long preambul
That voice's tone... Also, can she slow down, please? Sorry but regardless of the content, her voice is annoying.
unable to listen due to constant, "um, ahm, emh, eh"...
Use subtitles?
Is this for real? My differently-processing Aspie is supposed to develop a relationship skill-set listening to this babble?
Flawedplan Lifecouch it won’t work you need to find what works for you and your Aspie specifically through trial and error
From my experience they don't know how to love.
Kitty Digs not true women on the spectrum do know how to love
@@Dancestar1981 Women on the spectrum have sexual and loving offer from men without lifting a finger or developing social skills. It's not their merit, but a matter of sexual dynamics: all women have free male attention for the mere fact or breathing. But having sexual access to the opposite gender is something very different from "knowing how to love." Love is a long-term race. And I doubt that anyone who has never had to make any effort to relate intimately with other people will learn to truly love them.
Yes, Autistic people can love. Just not the way you do.
You might have a weird definition of love then, everyone has their own. I can imagine that by many definitons of love most people, NT or ND, aren't capable of love.