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My husband , who has Aspergers, came home from the store and showed me a toy that he bought for his grandson that he is going to visit. I'm not able to go this time. He said , "I wanted to show you the toy because I know you want me to share things with you." LOL I thought....well, I want him to share things with me because I want him to want that. But I'll take it and I did appreciate that he included me in that. It's not a big deal to most people but it's a step for us. He also left me a sweet love note on my pillow to find after he left.
My 77 year old hubby has Aspergers. His “love language” is doing things for me. I have of course noted that I can depend on him to never lie. He honestly doesn’t seem capable of telling a lie. His parents & his only sibling, an older brother, knew that he would never marry. That was a given. Then along cake me........when he was 64 years old. I was five years younger & had three failed marriages & three grown children. We’ve been happily married now for twelve years. We married when he was 65 & I was 60. We love each other dearly & fit together like a hand in a glove. His strengths are my weaknesses & vice versa. We love being together. We’re good for each other. I finally found a man who I’m ha pay to be with all the time.
Jodi Carlton .......thank you! I know you were able to translate that “ha pay” near the end.......compliments of our beloved confused automatic spell checker.......to actually read “happy”!!! LOL.
Jodi Carlton .......me being a regular “chatty Kathy” type person, I of course could’ve made my sharing BOOK LENGTH in duration.......but I thought I’d better “put the proverbial brakes on”!!! LOL
I did not realize that my now deceased spouse had ashbergers until he passed. I knew he loved me, and he showed his love for me by staying loyal to me in the good and bad times throughout our 29 years of marriage. He would tell me, "I married you for better or worse, and I meant it. That was his way of saying I love you. He did not show much emotion, but he did a lot of kind and practical things in our marriage. He stayed faithful to me no matter what. He loved to share his interests with me. I loved this about him. He could fix anything that was broken. He was very intelligent even though he had difficulty socializing. We worked as a team in our marriage. I miss him so much. He will be gone 2 years on August 26th, 2021, at age 66. He was and still is my best friend.
Hi Mary. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m glad you have clarity now about your lovely guy and I’m so sad for you that you’ve lost him. I believe your comment will be inspiring to others here. ❤️
@mary Sorry for your loss. I enjoyed reading your post 💯💕 I can relate a great deal. My husb is a pretty good guy. We've been through some tough challenges due to him being on the spectrum and me not understanding. I would find myself nagging a great deal because I felt unloved and unappreciated. We've been married for over 35 yrs. I've been debating as to whether to leave or stay. A bigger part of me wants to stay. Like your late husband, I take my vows pretty seriously. Reading your post helped me a lot. I know if something were to happen to him, I would miss him dearly. He tries to please me in different ways. I'm grateful to be in a much better place in my life. With understanding of what he's going through, the nagging has calmed down a great deal. Sending you Positive Energy and Much Love ❤️
After reading alot of the comments here, I thought I'd way in with my two cents. I'm 42 years old and was just diagnosed with asperger's syndrome/ASD. Getting this diagnosis was the best thing to happen to me because it finally made the previous 42 years of my life make sense. I now understand why I have 0 friends, no interest in social media at all, can spend 12 hours a day listening to music on my headphones, etc. With that being said, Aspies can definitely love someone and I'm proof of that. I've been married to my wife for 14 years now. When I got my diagnosis and started researching ASD, I said to my wife: "You know that I love you, right?". Her reply to me was: "Absolutely. I don't ever feel like I'm not loved." How do we make our relationship work? Jodi hit alot of the points in this video. I always tell my wife I love her at the end of a call or before going to bed. Music is my special interest and I'm always including her in various ways. If she's on the couch on her phone then I'll be on the couch too doing my thing but we're still together. She knows I loathe going out and dealing with the public but sometimes I just suck it up and go. Even though my anxiety may be high, she's told me that just the act of me going with her and putting myself in an uncomfortable position speaks volumes. The main thing is that EVERY relationship has compromises. Perhaps with an Aspie like myself the compromise is that I might not show the emotional reciprocity that my wife deserves but she KNOWS that. It's a compromise that she's willing to take to be with me. I compromise by doing things that make me uncomfortable. Yes, she's said that some days can be challenging dealing with me but every relationship has bad days. At the end of the day we both know we're loved. If you're a person in love with someone with ASD, don't just run away like some people have said. Yes, you might get away from the person with ASD but you might run into someone who might beat you, might be a drunk, etc. Who knows? It's not always brighter on the other side. Aspies aren't the scourge of the earth like a lot of people seem to think. It might take a little work on your side but you fell in love with the person for a reason. Don't just toss it away. If you're a person with Asperger's/ASD, don't automatically think you're going to be alone forever. There are plenty of people out there who WILL love you for you and not what you can give them. Keep your head up and just keep being you. I'm a perfect example. I never expected to get married either and it happened to me. Thanks for reading and to my wife, Jenn: I love you.
You sound like a very loving & unselfish man/husband. Rare indeed. Just the one question you asked your wife shows you care about her. I'm curious how you came to all these realizations. Did you have parents that showed such love outwardly towards each other?
I’m autistic. I told my (now) husband that I loved him through a text immediately after our first date like a psycho lol. 5 and a half years later married happily. Not all autistic people struggle with verbal expressions of love.
Hi Isabelle! Yes, you are so right about verbal expressions, and thank you for your comment. You are a WOMAN with Asperger's, which actually changes things up a bit. Women come into this world with a bit more hard-wired programming for communication. So, women with Asperger's tend to be much better at verbal communication than men. But, the social awkwardness is still quite a challenge. I'm so happy for you and your guy! All the best!!
Sounds like you've worked hard to adjust to social expectations! :) And, yes, there will always be people who can't be pleased. If what you're doing works for most (and most importantly, for YOU), then you're probably just fine. Don't worry about it, if there are a few people who find fault in what you do. There will always be a few! If there are LOT of people telling you that your eye contact is too much, then maybe another adjustment is best. It's a learning process.
Like most things, it's a balancing act. Too little or too much of most things is bad. Eye contact is a good thing, but it's usually broken up by occasionally looking at other things, either other things in the environment, or something you can both direct your gaze at. As Jodi mentions in the video, eye contact is intense, which is a good thing, but too much of it can make people feel uncomfortable.
For me, its more of a balanced approach. I get turned off by both too little and too much. If a woman were to start looking at me like I was her next conquest or something, that would make me scared enough to start running for my sanity.
It is the 1st time I hear a non autistic person talk about autistic ones, or so I believe. Anyways, great to know you out there! when you said: "the brain does not pick up on social clues" OmG! You hit it on the nail !! I am in the early stages of taking time to uncver my autistic side. Im 73. Also your video was a perfect length! I'm happy I've discovered you!
Thanks for the feedback! I always like to hear from aspies. I'm glad to hear that you have an understanding boyfriend. Show him this video if you haven't already - we non ASD peeps need all the help we can get, as well! :)
As the NT partner, I am SO tired of hearing how I am supposed to support HIM. I NEED support too! Where is anyone who addresses the NT spouse and how isolated, ignored, unencouraged, and lonely WE feel? It is not about my pride or ego ... I have had to adjust my brain to his needs ... why does he not TRY to learn what I need?
Hi Karen. I don't believe either one of you has the job of supporting the other - couples are adults and each partner is responsible for adulting. There is a difference between being aware of limitations in order to understand and "supporting" which is often codependent and enabling. This video about setting boundaries might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/yqDwCT7_i5I/видео.html Also, I encourage you to watch my most recent podcast series where Mona Kay (host of the Neurodiverse Love podcast) and I share our own personal challenges in neurodiverse marriages. ruclips.net/p/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR
First off, as an ND guy married to an NT wife, together for 26 years, NT/ND relationships are not easy. My wife and I have had lots of ups and downs, but once she took the time to learn about my various neurological strengths and weaknesses, we were able to communicate. You have to communicate with each other. We aren't mind readers, Us NDers need to know how you feel, and you need to be specific about things. He can't support you if he doesn't understand what you need.
I agree with you even if I recently found I'm on the spectrum and my Wife has BPD..really difficult at times, because I think I have to adapt to her feeling "the broken One" in showing affection but feeling Always so wrong doesn't help and authistic person..I have to force myself to Remember what she needs to help her.
Thank you so much for this video. I have high functioning autism but found a resource that really helped with showing love. I used it when I met my wife to show her. It’s a book called 1001 Ways To Be Romantic. It’s still in print. My wife eventually discovered the book and asked about it. But she came to realize that this was how I showed I cared for her. She even got me the sequel. It still gives me ideas and suggestions that seem special and unique ( she never red the books thankfully). But it’s important to understand what NT’s need. And videos like yours are great. Thank you again for this video
I have dated an aspie for a year. He isn’t a very touchy feely guy and I wondered if he really cared about me. Your video my me realize her does. He includes minutely in every important( to him) thing in his life. He tells me things we would never tell anyone else. He will call and text me constantly to keep in touch as he lives an hr away and we see each other on weekends. I know he has trouble expressing how he feels but I think his actions show he does care about me a lot. He is adorable and makes me laugh ... so important to me. Do I wish he would be more demonstrative? At one point yes, but the more I know him and understand him, it doesn’t matter anymore and I really like what he does give me... a ton of joy
I am on the spectrum, my first wife put me through 9 years of utter hell on Earth. I couldn't show her affection, I wanted too but she was unlovable. I Am married now to a sweet loving woman. I am constantly expressing my love and affection. The reason is in my analytical mind I have a contrast of a horrible and a good relationship. Most people with aspbergers do not have alot of experience. He probably wants to express but doesn't know how or understand. Keep showing him love, I have felt so lonely my whole life, until this wonderful woman loved me.
I only like it with my partner. Not my family, or humans in general. I do not appreciate handshaking or being physically touched on my shoulder for example, by humans. But partner, yes. I am super clingy and needy. I really like to be physically close with my partner, and this has always been the case. I struggle to see lies. I have lied many times myself, but my lies are more in the lines of me appearing offline when I am actually online and playing a video game. Just to get some space and peace. Nothing very bad. Showing love is most likely through daily conversation, consistency, keeping agreements, showing respect, trust, being considerate, allowing space, being direct, being understanding. But I believe it should not be generalized to the extent in which you are doing it. Example: Me - I share and converse about my special interests every single day, and my partner finds that to be perfectly fine. My partner - he keeps his special interests to himself, he shares very little which is fine. More room for me. Both have autism, but we operate differently. We do belong to “the same species” if you can use that term. We are definitely of the same kind, but we are so different from one another. I know many autistic humans within the video game community, and we are all completely different but with similarities. Like, the outlines are the same, and we understand one another on a deeper level, yet the inside and how we operate as individuals is completely different. Well anyways. This became a long comment again. My apologies.
GREAT comment! Thank you for sharing this (no apology needed). You've done a great job here explaining the similarities and differences in ASD. And, yes the "species" thing makes total sense. I actually use this in explaining ASD quite a bit. Many folks with ASD feel like they're from a different planet, living amongst humans who look and speak the same as them, but are not the same species.
My boyfriend has Aspergers, and let me tell you. He's the world's best boyfriend ever. He loves to hug and kiss, he's always giving me compliments all the time.
@@StackXBT forgiveness has nothing to do with telling the truth about someone. Follow what the Holy Spirit tells you, God doesnt condone abuse. Someone's relationship with God comes first, relationship with someone abusive does not take priority over God.
@@repentorperish6414forgive or perish. That's a warning from God to his children. You also commented on someone else's good news with a negative comment. Its clear you're still bitter from past hurts and you project your bitterness onto someone else's experience. Forgive or perish. Many bible references that confirm this.
@@repentorperish6414 it is by grace that we are made whole literally and faith that we are saved. When you understand that someone else's behavior negative behavior has little to do with your own, you can learn grace. They are struggling and unfortunately have decided that you are the constant in their life that they can contend reality with. See it's not you they are fighting, you are just the median at times between their reality. It can feel thankless I'm sure. My wife is amazing in that she encourages the good things that come with being on the spectrum and is helping me to understand what isn't helping neither her nor myself. As a natural truth seeker, it's my habit to drop anything that isn't beneficial and pick up anything that might be of value. I can tell you that this has been the difference between living a nightmare to an absolute fantasy. It's always work but well worth it. I honestly hope this information in some way helps. God doesn't accept sin in any form, how anyone is to truly "make" has got to be simple. It's by grace. What kind of eternity we are making seems to be the only thing we might be able to actually affect in that regard. Keep going and God bless.
I am near 50 years-old, Asperger male and have never been in a relationship. I am trying to get my therapist to understand this but way too many people unnecessarily freak out. Like the Elephant Man said, " I am not an animal I am a Man." Hope you believe that.
Zrex99 same here i been in one relationship year 2000 and 3 women dated til date 2019 , no need hear females priblems and manipulation not worth it happy as i am
You know what? at least you have the intelligence and courage to see a therapist. You are indeed a man and not an animal and I'm sure there are many women out there who would be proud to be in a relationship with you.
What I do not understand is why you assume that Asperger's syndrome has something to do with not having had relations at your 50 years... From what I have seen, there are many men without any diagnosis who are in the same situation in our day. It is not something that any therapist can fix, because it has nothing to do with individual personality, but with objective sexual dynamics. This dynamics is structurally unbalanced against men, since all the effort to seek and maintain relationships is placed on their shoulders, while women have at their fingertips a pool of male offer & attention without lifting a finger, and without anyone reproaching their symptoms in case they have a disorder. However strong the effort of the politically correct narrative is to put a mute on these things, there is nothing more than to open your eyes and look at the world as it is. There is nothing wrong with you, nor you're in a situation that tens of thousands of men do not share today, although they all publicly claim otherwise and intimately blame themselves. You can't blame yourself for an objective situation you can't control.
Yesss i love it when we get to do a shared interest, i also let her borrow stuff and i hope she hugs me even when i dont really like others touching me. Unfortunately my feelings arent reciprocated but thats life.
I wouldn’t say that people with Aspergers are “bad at lying” it’s just so EXHAUSTING !! Dealing with people it’s tiring enough as it is and when you add lying to the mix...
I’m an aspie. People think I don’t like them because I’m “shy” or “quiet” But if I like you- I’m silent. I can take the mask off of trying to keep a conversation and putting all that energy in. If I like you, I just like being in your presence. Like sitting next to you, but scrolling on our phones silently- or watching a movie together kind of time.
I totally agree! I would never want to put my mask on, near the people that i love, and i would always want them to see me for me. After all isn't love about accepting each other for who we are! Infact i feel very loved when both of us are comfortable being with each other "in silence" more than at any time!
@@lifeseries7944 yes, of course! :) This video is not about what makes a relationship work - it's about recognizing signs that your partner loves you (in the way that autistic individuals tend to show love). It's by no means an exhaustive list, and some AS folks don't have these traits. These are just the more common ones. In my other videos, and in my coaching groups, we dive a lot deeper into how to make a neurodiverse relationship work. Come join us on FB - the link is in the description.
Another significant thing to know about most people on the spectrum is that they are honest to a fault. Most either can't or struggle to tell a lie. If they do tell something not true, they feel bad and eventually tell you because it bothers them so much. My daughter is on the spectrum plus suffers with severe anxiety and PTSD from school. She is honest to a fault, has trouble reading social cues and frequently thinks others are angry with her because of sensory issues (minor changes in tone of voice makes her think she's being yelled at). She's a very sweet person and loves to share her special interests. She often follows me around so she can tell me things. She says she likes hanging out with me. She has several online friends but struggles making face to face friends. If more people would take the time to get to know people on the spectrum, accept them as differently abled and not expect them to just KNOW what to do or say, they would find them to be true friends and not people who manipulate or just say what someone wants to hear. Most people on the spectrum are lovely, insightful and honest people. They are just extremely misunderstood and want to be cared about and included.
The point where I knew my one long-term relationship was harmed to the point it couldn't be recovered was when I found myself desperate enough to try lying in order to say something I thought my partner wanted me to say. It turned out (of course) that not only did I feel awful for even trying, but that I was wrong in the first place anyway and I'd made things worse. I still lie from time to time because it's socially expected for normal interactions, but even that sorta... sucks honestly. NTs expect a degree of performative dishonesty that makes me uncomfortable in order to simply pass as polite. It's extremely taxing.
I must have watched this 100 times. It’s so personally validating and I use it to share with my neurotypical friends and family. It’s so perfect. Thank you so very much.
Thank you for sharing this and I'm so glad that you feel validated!! It helps me so much in my personal neurodiverse relationships to look for how I'm being loved versus resenting not being loved the way I want!
I think my significant other has Asperger's and he himself had wondered if he is.... Seeing this video convinces me a lot that he really is, because this is how he acts. He's so lovely. He often asks how can he show love or make me happy.
As an aspie for me it's SUPER difficult to understand a neurotypical girlfriend. I've had a few girlfriends in my life, but all my relationships failed because it's difficult for a man with Asperger's to develop socially because we're mostly incompatible with everyone else. As teenagers our social skills are like that of an elementary school student, and in our 20's it's more like that of a teenager. It's depressing.
It's a learning experience, for sure. I've seen men and women with Asperger's figure out how to make relationships work, but it can be difficult to do on your own. Let me know if you want some help.
@@sharodcoulson1291 it's hard, for sure. It's hard for NT's too! I work with men and women every day who haven't figured it out. Asperger's complicates things, but really all individuals have to learn how to do relationships - Asperger's or now. Let me know if you want some help.
sadly my Son Julien had Asperger's and took his own life after a horrible Cyber-bully incident at just 13, but he was very loving and affectionate child with a beautiful heart - couldn't have asked for better... just wish he'd have told me. Last words to me were, "Love you Mom, see you later." I am pretty sure he didn't know he was going to do it that morning, but at least my final words were "Love you too sweetpea..." If you have not already, please can you do a video about possible "depression attacks" with kids who have this condition? Love you forever Julien, R.I.P. 1994 - 2007
Laura, thank you so much for sharing this. It is such an important topic and one that isn't mentioned very often! I'm so sad for the heartache that you've had to endure. Yes, I will definitely give some serious thought to doing a videocast on this topic. Thank you so much for your comment. Perhaps you might be interested in being a guest? Please email me at jodi@helpingheartscounseling.com and let me know.
Super g, Laura Lewis certainly wasn't making fun of any syndromes, so I'm not sure what you're meaning there. If you are feeling unsafe or like taking your life, please reach out to someone you can trust. The national suicide hotline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the national crisis text line at 741741. I'm sorry you are struggling. :( There really are people who care!
super g Umm, I don't know if you read my full comment, but I in NO WAY making fun of you or my own Son who DIED!!! I have not been in "prison" for the last ten and a half years, I have been in HELL without my Son... Please think before attacking someone, it's hurtful and just so you know, I strongly believe that I have Aspergers Syndrome myself, I "got" Julien because he was just like me as a child in so many ways, including my trying to end my life by taking 12 aspirins one for each year I was alive (I was both harshly verbally and physically abused and saw no way out) my parents came home to find me throwing up, crying and then they saw the note telling them why... I thought it would be enough to kill me, but I was just a kid - looking back, they SHOULD have taken me to the hospital anyway, but instead they watched over me for the night. My Father stopped drinking - well, as much as he could at the time - he's a "functioning" and very mean alcoholic - and the beatings and daily tongue lashings stopped for about a month or two, he then returned to one of his favourite past times, beating and belittling both myself and my half brother. Now, Julien left a single note that said, "I love you Mom." and on another note book that he had to bring to school he simply wrote "F#ck school!" While I was at work he went to the train tracks, and pacing and crying for about 15 minutes (according to FOUR "anonymous" people who did NOTHING, but looked on) he even took off his school shirt to use as a pillow as he laid his head down on the track... So, no I am in no way making fun of other people's disabilities... I don't even know what would possibly make you think that. And here I go, over sharing again!
Laura, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope it will help others understand what you and so many more have been through and continue to go through. If you are reading this, and you are struggling, yourself, please know that you are not alone! Laura, I haven't forgotten about your suggestion to do a video about this. It's a very important topic.
Good luck on your date! Love develops over time through sharing your life, opinions, and experiences with someone and learning the same about them. Trust is the outcome of being able to share and being valued for who you each are even when you’re really different from each other. I hope your first date goes well. It’s a start!
My ex would always get so upset with me and yell at me wishing she didn't have to teach me how to love her. Sadly at that point I didn't realize I was an ASD with Aspergers specifically. I found this out for sure at age 39. Sadly I am alone, but used to it, grateful to have a dog at least, but even his bark can cause me to be greatly triggered. It's sad because he brings me so much joy at times. Yet I am at war with myself on whether or not I should keep him almost daily because of my sensitivity to loud noises. Some days are better than others, but this whole past week has been extremely difficult and I am grateful I found this video. Feeling hopeful, I just pray that I don't die alone. What I would give at this point to just be NT, must be nice... :(
Hi Jeff! Have you ever tried noise cancelling headphones or earplugs like Calmers? They don't completely cancel out noise, but they lower the volume. I wonder about your dog breed and age, some younger and more active dog breeds can be very intense. I don't know where you live, but in some places you might qualify for an emotional support dog/animal. Have you ever met other ASD people? I highly recommend trying to meet some, as it is also easier to date someone more similar to you - if understanding eachother is important to you. I thought I would never date again until I met my ASD partner. As exhausting as it is, if you have any special interests, I would consider talking about those online or other social spaces. It's the best way to meet someone you have something in common with, and friendship is companionship too. ASD with aspergers are loveable, and you don't have to change. You do have to invest in your quality of life.
Hi Jeff. The sensory challenges can be so tough! Occupational therapists who are trained in sensory integrative therapy can really help. Check into it!
When my Aspie hubby and I make love.... It's ALL eye contact..!! Go figure.... lol I'm madly in love with my hubby... An Aspie spouse is INCREDIBLE FOR ME..! 💓💓 I've been waiting for this man my ENTIRE LIFE..! He is honest and loving... Gorgeous.... And brave! I Thank God for him EVERY DAY. I'm on his You Tube right now... Bless his beautiful soul and heart!!!💗💗💗
After 15 years together I realized my husband was Aspie. Until then I attributed his differences to cultural background and age (vastly different). After reading everything I could get my hands on, I asked him how I could know that he loves me and he immediately replied “well, I’m still here!” His steadfast loyalty, truthfulness, and his acceptance of me just as I am fill me with gratitude every day. Beautiful soul and heart, yes. Glad I hung in there.
I think a much bigger question is does the NT spouse love the AS person (and know how to show it). If you don’t know how to show it, then just ask your spouse how you can show it in a way that is meaningful to them.
I recently started dating someone with Asperger's and watching videos to learn how to communicate successfully. I've learned a lot from the things I have watched and read. I like that he's different. We are working on communicating when we disagree or there is a misunderstanding.
Hi i starting talking to an Aspie. We are interested in each other. He has been honest from the beginning. We enjoy each other. I am researching aspbergers and how to have a relatioship with one.
I would add a note of caution on asking an autistic person to plan a date for you...planning an outing takes a lot of executive functioning they may really struggle to be able to use. If planning the date isn't their idea and they're not really driven to do this, even telling them your favorite places to go and the dates and times you're free to go on a date within may be asking too much of them. Just scheduling doctor and dentist appointments is a major chore for both my autistic husband and myself (I'm autistic as well). The idea of being asked by a loved one to plan a date seems an absolute nightmare to me!
Hi Melissa. Thank you for sharing your experience and your husband’s. Yes agreed that asking an autistic partner to do the planning is often going to be very stressful. Planning/coordinating does not equal care/love. Many NT partners mistaken believe that a partner will plan if they care. I recommend that NTs who have a desire for a date make a specific request about a specific date and ask if the ND partner is available and able to meet that request (but rejection of the idea also doesn’t mean the ND doesn’t love the NT partner - it may just not be something they can do). That said…it IS important for an ND partner to push past some levels of discomfort at times in order to also show regard and care for an NT partner.
I am dating someone on the spectrum that I almost broke up with over these issues. You helped me by breaking everything down .. in regard to what is going on. I appreciate this video very much! Thank You!!✨
You are awesome for making this, an excellent checklist although with me, number 2 could be "initiating physical contact", if I'm not sufficiently close to someone I'm kind of "meh" about physical contact, like I might give a polite hug lacking closeness or warmth (or as my parents called it, the "Sheldon Cooper hug"), but if I'm really close to someone like my siblings, parents, best friend, and so on I can be extremely physically affectionate. One I'd like to add is that if there's a romantic aspect, like with my boyfriend (ironically I haven't as of now been dating him long enough to initiate hugs but I have been dating him long enough to enjoy being hugged by him) is a continuation of something people seem to do. You know how when you meet someone you have a crush on you get butterflies in your stomach and you can't swallow your saliva very well? One thing I explained to my boyfriend is "talking about regular Jamie things but with a lot of saliva" is intimacy for me. He's so awesome that he doesn't find it gross or creepy but endearing. I think maybe when I was really little (don't remember, can't confirm) I heard the phrase "drooling over someone" to mean you are infatuated with or maybe even in love with someone and my brain kind of took it literally, I do it without thinking, though. I also have a hard time eating around crushes and my boyfriend, some people assume it's body image issues or an eating disorder but it's really a shy stomach. If I'd eat too much and be around a crush (including my boyfriend) it ends up coming back up and my breath always smells rancid afterwards. Another unusual thing about me is I'm okay with sleeping together with my boyfriend but only literally cohabitating the bed with him (I want to save the other meaning of sleeping together for marriage), it's more like a two-person sleepover/slumber party than anything romantic, but it's romantic to me just to be next to him.
Hi Jamie. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences and insights! I know it will be helpful for others who have similar experiences themselves, or with a partner.
Glad I found this. My hubby is on the spectrum and I'm doing everything I can to learn more and more. We've been married for almost 3 years but only just now are able to be our own married couple. Thank you!
I finally put 2 and 2 together after 33 years of marriage...my husband is on the spectrum. I don't know where to go from here. I thought he just hated me all this time, but hearing what you just said, I see he loves me. I feel like I'm now married to a grown child not a man and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I have the desire to work on this which makes me sound awful!! I wish I had someone close to help me on this new path of understanding. Thank you for your video.
to discover your Hubby could be on the autismspectrum might feel kind of a shock, but then also relief. importent would be to know for sure he IS on the spectrum and then maybe seek help for your self simply to figure out if you prefer to leave him. I do feel for you! And I hope things have alreaddy worked out in a new and hopeful direction!
All your advice is amazing and spot on! I am in a relationship with an aspire and have been doing these things already before seeing the video. Seeing your video solidified that I’m not alone and that these things are all things that truly help. My partner shows love in his own way and it’s the most beautiful, unique one of a kind thing.
My husband enjoys a lot of casual physical contact with me, but has to force himself to endure it from others (even from our kids, which has required a lot of explaining from me to help them understand and not take it personally). He forces himself to accept goodnight hugs from our youngest who is a very physically affectionate personality because I've tried to help my husband understand that our youngest kid needs that. He even hates for hair stylists to touch him beyond the absolutely necessary (i.e. he's okay with their touching his head and neck, but hates it when their bodies brush his wide shoulders or arms). Our oldest kid also does not like to make physical contact with anyone he is not romantically involved in, with the occasional exception of me when he is in a really good mood and in a more extroverted mode. It's fascinating to see the differences and similarities between 3 autistic males on this topic!
There is a very sweet man with Aspergers Autism . He is in love with me. I love him . He doesn't like me telling the whole world about our love. But , he is very shy too. I am a introvert, but without learning disabilties . I have known people like him all my life . I jusr know he is there . That is fine for me .
I have ASD, and I have worked for years to adjust to people's level, and now I'm even worse off, because on the surface I appear normal, so people never keep in mind that I don't always understand concepts that are intrinsic to others. I have taught myself to like most foods, enjoy hugging, sort of enjoy kissing, and to send nice things to people occasionally. But this actually makes my life living hell because I am self aware enough to tell that there's still something off about me, and I clash with others a lot because I appear normal, but I struggle to fix myself. Could you please make videos relating to people who have an imbalance in inner and outer adjustment levels like I do?
I'm sorry to hear that, Margarita! I think that a lot of people are clueless, in general! Full disclosure: I'm a nerd, and I don't think that I'm diagnosable since I don't have the worst symptoms of Asperger's, but I see a number of the aspects of it in me, just in a very mild form... But enough for it to be a problem to me, just not as painful as I see it described in others, including women! Maybe you should pick crowds who will get you more, especially after you open up and say that you have diagnosed ASD. :-)
Definitely try to be open to others about you having apergers because people will see you trying through your gestures and that shpuld go a long way. The right people will understand you or want to try to understand you if they can't. Don't think about it too much because you are only human. Overthinking will make you go through hell for sure. I've always said that it is a joy killer. Once people around you know what you are going through on the inside by you telling them what you wrote on here and telling them that you have aspergers will make them realize that you put a multitude of efforts out to people and will really bring alot of understanding to your relationships.
Hi Margarita. I'd say stop trying to "fix" yourself. You're you. You're different, but there's nothing "wrong" with you. I do understand that you have struggled to read people, and you've done a lot to recognize what others expect from you. But, you get to be you. Surround yourself with people who value you just as you are. Share with safe people that you have ASD, and teach them about you. It's just as much their responsibility to understand YOU as it is yours to understand them.
This is very common.... most people, you might tell them you have Asperger's, say only your boss in the work environment. They may read about Asperger's, but they will never really "get it" how different you are, or how much extra management you take to "understand the concept" in the work place, especially with team work. I just try to be myself. If I am quirky to you, then so be it. As long as I am productive and get my work done as good or better or faster than others, by being more productive, I'm a valuable asset to the team.
I wonder if your assertation that an Autistic may not want to touch or be touched may not be romantic or sexual. This is not universal, and many Autistics crave physical intimacy and romance, but this may be perceived as "too intense" by others.
Thank you for asking! This video was the very first YT video that I recorded professionally (and I wasn't really thinking it would reach hundreds of thousands!) At the time, I was still doing clinical work as a counselor (thus the "Helping Hearts Counseling" logos for my local counseling practice) and was working with a lot of autistic teens and their parents. I made it for my clients and tossed it on a RUclips channel to make it easy to share. Parenting a teenager can be thankless, and parenting an autistic teenager can really be hard when these kiddos frequently become overwhelmed and express disdain for parents. My own autistic daughter was in middle school and I had learned to look for these kinds of signs to recognize her love for me. So, I made this video with the parents of children in mind. I knew it applied to adult relationships, too, and as it turns out adults REALLY needed to hear my message! So, physical, romantic, intimacy wasn't in my thoughts in regards to physical touch. I am referring specifically to non-sexual touch. All of that said, autistic children, teens, and adults do crave physical touch, and as you said can be "too much" for people. Autistic traits like this are often at the extremes. When you think about averages, neurotypical individuals fall within the averages of traits (like desiring physical touch), but autistic individuals often prefer much less or much more than others, putting autistic traits outside the averages at both ends. This does include romantic, intimate touch as well! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share more about this!
so, I only am now learning I am autistic.. however.. I will say this. I really hate being touched or having physical contact with people. It makes me feel SO uncomfortable. However.. If I really like you, I really enjoy physical contact.. and not in a sexual way at all.. but like being really close to that person and even just leaning on them.. arms touching, that closeness is so really nice.. I feel like I want to energetically merge with them lol : )))
What a great video. Thank you for publishing it. Personally, I think that everyone is mad in their own, special and unique way. If you have Aspergers and you are in a relationship you have to realise that you have a fundamental responsibility to confront your own reticence to express yourself and your feelings, and try anyway. And if you are in a relationship with someone with Aspergers? You have to appreciate how significant that effort really is for them to make. My experience is that the most difficult aspect about being in a relationship with someone with Asperger's is not when she says something that is hurtful, but the things that she doesn't say. People with Aspergers seem to be oblivious to the fact that you can deeply hurt someone through what you don't do, or don't say. Not just what you actually do. Avoidance can murder any relationship.
Mailee, thank you so much for your comments! Yes, the "unsaid" can be really difficult in relationships with Aspies. Words of affirmation (from the concept of Love Languages) is not typically a way of communicating love for someone with Asperger's. And, YES, it's so important, though, to recognize how much effort is being made when your Aspie partner seeks to understand you and meet your needs. All the best to you and your love!
I'm on the spectrum and the man I'm in love with is, I'm almost certain, is on the spectrum as well. I've been smitten with him for years but I didn't realize he was too. Then I was super late to a birthday party of a mutual friend and he shot these texts, "Hey are you coming? There's an ariel sized absence here! :( I here you're coming from Willits. What would you like me to order you?" [concern for my well being] He saved a seat right next to me and offered to share the the food off his plate! Talk about sharing the same space! And he agreed to get coffee with me and asked about my physical health. So, yeah, I suspected this indicated he loves me, too, but I am *really* thankful for the confirmation, especially since I am dealing with my own autistic fear of rejection!
Two of my kids are on the spectrum. After reading a bunch of stuff, I think there is probably a chance I might be as well. I also think there is a chance my boyfriend might be mostly because of his own self declarations of not being able to read social cues and other things that might be considered odd behavior to some people, but they are also some of the things I like the most about him. We are both very logical people, and very interested in power generation among other things.
I hoped you grabbed onto each other and never let go! The ND I married couldn't even think to ask me if I wanted something to eat even as he was eating every couple of hours, as usual, when I got home after bilateral total hip joint replacement and five days in the hospital. I could barely make it to the bathroom, the kitchen was a land too far. It was easier to just sleep and drink water. My BFF had to call and chew him out for not even considering that I might need to eat too. This after 21 years of cooking for him. 🙄
This is very helpful to learn. I'm not neurodivergent but I struggle with trust issues and believing someone really loves me from past experiences, so I need to be reminded or I automatically assume someone does not love me. Now i'm in the situation of this video and I got mad at my loved one who's on the spectrum because they couldn't say they loved me at the time and that they can't control when they do say it. I've read that apparently this is common among the spectrum and I'm starting to learn how my loved one expresses their love and can see it is there, even if it's not how i'm used to love.
I’m glad you came across my channel. There are many videos here that will be helpful to you. Be sure to listen to the podcast playlist. Your girlfriend might find it helpful as well.
Gosh I really feel this is my husbands personality. The problem is I got so tired and fed up because he just doesn’t know how to love me the way I want to be loved but it started with so much emotional and verbal abuse so I feel like I can’t reach out anymore .
I really needed to hear this i think my bf is on the spectrum but haven't been diagnosed yet but hearing this, it's him!! It's totally him, i know now that he indeed love me his way, even though he says he doesn't comprehend what is love, thank you
I'm an aspie and tend to show my love through doing things for the people I care about,wanting to be around them and thru words as well.I am not very touchy but will give hugs to those who I care for even though it is uncomfortable for me every once in awhile.yes you are very right if I'm not understanding something or not getting something I want someone to tell me so I can understand what they want or need.
Thanks for sharing this, Beth!! My daughter lets me hug her even though it's uncomfortable for her, but she knows how much I love it. And I don't request it too much from her because I love HER! It's all about respecting each other's preferences and needs. :)
I wish I would have seen this around Valentine's Day. For the past few months I've been really struggling with feeling loved by my aspie partner. We didn't celebrate Christmas or Valentine's Day and it made me sad. I should know by now that she doesn't really make a big deal about holidays and I thought they weren't really important to me either but to me it is a way to show someone you care. I want to get better at recognizing when she is trying to show that she cares. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time
My date never eats any meal in public. I do not mention it ON the way We are about to get to know each other. Well, it took 9yrs before he really trusted that i am lojal to him. He is a genious musician, but terribly skinny , so afraid to loose him
Not eating in public is a common stressor for a lot of folks with autism. A need for loyalty is not quite as common in autism though. All the best -- Jodi
I asked my son when he was around 14 if he loved me, he said no. I was not offended, but it did hurt a bit, he was just being literal, he didn't understand the concept of what love meant. I just explained as best I could what the term love meant. Left it at that.
Ah, guess my son doesn't love me then according to you. Never mind I went through some very hard times raising him and never abandonded him, always protected him, accepted him and gave him what freedom he needed. That is love. I will never stop loving him. He has grown into a decent good man. I am very proud of what he has achieved. I am and will always be his one and only Mom.
Don’t worry I’m a girl with aspeguer and I do really love my mom And my whole family . What I technically ain’t like it’s romance On a romantic way . But that’s very ironic .
There are so many possibilities here, regarding what he meant. Aspies are VERY literal sometimes and they have "scripts" for what things mean. For example, your 14 yr old son may define "love" as a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife relationship. I had a Mom tell me that her teen son was totally grossed out when she asked him the same thing. His definition of "love" was a romantic one. So, that's an important conversation to have - to help broaden and re-define a script. You will know he loves you based on his actions.
I have asberger,but I got a late diagnose. I'm 55 right now and I got the diagnose in the age of 40.At first I thought this is not true.But then I did my researches and from that moment on it was like a brickstone was falling from my soul.I found out that i learned a lot by doin researches.I agree with a lot of things that you say,but I have no problems with touch or touching the one that I love,if the one that I love is honest.But I hate to play games.I'm bored with small talk and rules.So I think that sayin is right 》If you know one person with autism,then you know one person. However.Great video🔝Thanks♾
Yes absolutely. These are just a few signs and they don’t apply to everyone. There are so many other traits. The commons thread is the actual presence of sensory “differences” and language, relational, social differences. They’re going to show up in various ways though in each person. I’m glad you got some clarity for yourself.
Thank you so much for this information! I just recently met an amazing guy online who has aspergers...the reason why I fell in love with him is because I myself struggle with depression and he always seems to get me out of my head just by talking about his interest, which in the end makes me feel proud in someone other than feeling down about myself all the time. I do really like him a lot but I do notice that he is very strong with his set ways, and its hard for me because my mental illness makes me feel bad about how my opinions/feelings effect other people, but at the same time he forces me out of my shell with his cute boyishness attitude xD when he flirts omg he's the cutest thing ever, his tone when he flirts makes me laugh so much xP through text his flirts come off strong and so that was one hurdle I was worried about, but then I actually got to talk to him voice to voice and he just sounds like a supper passionate guy who tries to get is play on with flirts haha it's the cutest thing ever, tbh. ^_^
I found my self in a similar situation. When my then new partner told me he had Aspergers at first is was OMG but I very quickly (like a min or so) realised my initial worries about our relationship went away. He is really good at helping me deal with my anxiety and my migraines. He thinks he is unobservant but he is really good at spotting my anxiety acting up or when I start with migraine symptoms. He did love me but it looked different than I expected. Wanting to including me in his interests really rings true. It helps that we shared some compatible interests so I may not be as involved as he is with the interest but I can enjoy it with him.
Hi Jodi, I am aspie and have three girls . We hug each other til were cooked. I had to learn to do this with them and now we are such a loving family !
I have a friend who has Aspergers, and he always tells me he deeply cares about my approvals and opinions. I have such a good time talking to him but I feel like I overthink his feelings towards me.
aspergers are terrible liars and also it can get them too much energy to express something... therefore if they say something, you can bet that 99% it will be very honest truth you can kinda use this knowledge, and ask them some question since you know that if they speak, they will tell you the truth just dont push them if they dont want to answer... if anything they could lie when they feel pushed , forced to answer something. If you simply ask and is okay if they dont answer, then you will get the truth :) as simple as that
I'm positive he is "overthinking"! It's a hallmark of ASD to have to constantly analyze. They cannot intuit what is going on with human beings. Subtle body language cues, or unclear language in the form of idioms, sarcasm, humor cannot be processed immediately, if at all. We "normies" must seem to possess a sort of magical, secret skill--just imagine!
My 44 year old Aspie has no idea he is on the spectrum. It took me months to realize it but now it's clear as day. Our relationship is over from constant misunderstandings where he always chose to put a negative spin on every action or word I ever did or said. I want to tell him so bad but I dont want to ruin his life or upset him.. he seems to be doing fine not knowing until it comes to relationships. This has all been so hard and frustrating. So much time spent wondering why things were going this way. Sorry I guess I'm just upset and ranting. I miss him so much.
........tell him! He'll be confused and upset for a day or so, then he'll read about it, research it, and be over the moon that he can identify with a certain group of people, and adjust his life accordingly. It may even bring you two back together, with him knowing what the trouble was to begin with, and making adjustments.
Ashley Ellwood I would say that you sit him down and explain to him about characteristics in his behaviour that might mean something he doesn't know. Take him to his GP, if you can and ask to be referred to an Asperger's specialist. This way you won't shock him. Also, you cannot tell him what you think it is because you are not an expert doctor. Let the professionals do the job.
Ashley Ellwood I was wondering why I wasn't behaving like everybody else since I was 12. I only figured it out by myself, after I read an interview of a 21 year old Aspi in the Guardian, who was describing his own behaviour since he was a kid and it read like he was talking about MY life. Still, it took me another year and a half before I went to my GP, because I kept looking back of the episodes in my life which didn't make sense then but they did if I applied the Asperger's factor. I'm almost sixty now and I only know about my condition for the last 12 years. I wish I knew about it earlier. Today, kids are diagnosed when they are 3 years old, so the parents can protect them and help them. I only had bullying from my own family. I had to move to another country to avoid them.
Ashley Ellwood You should also know that Asperger's never comes by itself. There are usually at least two other conditions making life even harder. I've met Aspies with Tourette's syndrome, psychosis, schizophrenia, dyslexia, personality disorders and more. I got the depression/anxiety and ADHD bonus tracks and I only found about ADHD few months ago. Needless to say that these conditions never goes away, there is no cure and they come with a need for medication.
Ashley Ellwood I have heard about quite few Aspies who were told by friends or family about their strange behaviour and told them that they need to see a GP, and it works this way. But you should also know that the GPs don't even call it Asperger's. It's now called High Functioning Autism or as some specialists think it's not even a thing, it's just a difference in character. The GPs also have been told to avoid sending people to doctors for a diagnosis, I guess for money reasons and to avoid long waiting lists. I had to wait for 6 months but I've heard of people who waited for longer. There are very few specialists around. Mine was Swedish and I was her last patient before she returned to her country.
Thank you so much for this video! I started dating my boyfriend almost 4 months ago and he has Aspergers and I’ve been noticing his aspie traits as of recent. I started getting doubtful if he still loved me or not but one night he told me he that he still in love with me and how it’s just hard for him to communicate it to me but it was like he read my mind that I was getting doubtful. Watching this helped me realize that he always wants me by his side and in his presence (like going on trips cause he loves to travel, takes me to local hockey games cause he love hockey, and we look at maps a lot cause he’s a map collector and loves Geography) this video helped me out a lot so thank you for your help on helping me understand my boyfriend better ☺️😁
He’s been doing a good job so far,). I also like cuddles and laughing with eachother. Going out together and having a fun time, that’s love!! Being with one another and feeling the love from the souls❤️
Physical contact can be difficult for me, hand touching in particular…..my partner is the like the only one I’ll let touch my hands, and I’ve tried to get him to understand what I huge deal that is for me.
Thank you for sharing! Like yourself, many autistic individual will push themselves past comfort zones with close loved ones. My daughter doesn't like personal touch, but she'll hug me and her other close family members.
My friend she's autistic - she likes to talk to me because she knows i care and want to understand her problems - she lets me touch her hand - i feel special to her - you just need to make extra effort and be patient with ASD friend.
Thank you so much. This really helped me, I started crying during it actually because my girlfriend has austism. She was always acting strange and one night, about 2 months in the relationship she tells me she had austism. She doesn't like to look at me and I didn't know it was painful. Well unless we are being intimate, other than that she barely looks at me and hates when I look at her for to long. Also I ask her to be intimate with me and she doesn't know what to say or when to kiss or anything like that. But she tries to include me in her life very much. So this really helps with the doubts. I started crying because I've felt like such a bad person because I hate telling someone what to do, or how I like to be loved. If that makes sense. Just thank you for this! It really opened up my eyes!
I'm so glad this was helpful to you!! I totally understand! It's understandable that you'd want her to know what you need, but if you can rethink things about her, and learn to tell her what you need, she will likely be grateful, and you will more likely get more of your needs met. :)
Bless your heart.... I diagnosed my new hubby.... I fell in love with him even though I knew something was off. He is THE SWEETEST MAN I HAVE EVER MET..! Just keep living her... She NEEDS the guidance.... It's ok! Do it in love....💗💗💗
This was very helpful I’m dating a girl who is on the spectrum and I’m constantly wondering if she really does love me and she says she loves me so I think this video just answered my question
Thanks for sharing. I hope you'll eventually discover someone (or more than one someone) who will be an asset for you versus a liability. There are people out there who are willing to understand you - take at look at the comments on this video.
@@JodiCarlton ......tbh my social skills need complete overhaul before anything else, otherwise trying to have any extended interaction just gets weird.
My brain is wired for ADHD and I never found any of the "Love Languages" really hit it for me. They're nice, don't get me wrong, but none of them ever really "spoke" to me. A couple of years ago someone proposed a set of five "Neurodivergent Love Languages", and suddenly they made a lot more sense, in particular the "Parallel Play"
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had many clients express a desire to be in the presence of the people they love and I have experiences this with my own autistic family and friends.
Thank you, very helpful for pointers towards feeling loved by my aspie boyfriend of 13 years. It has been so hard and I have been tempted to walk away so many times but reminders like yours are all I need to get back on track and remember that I can not expect responses from him the same as with someone more neurotypical. Thank you xx
I’m so glad this was helpful to you! I hope you’ll join me, and others who are in spectrum relationships on FB. There are men and women with autism in my free coaching group as well. The link is in the description.
Very good video. Thank you. My wife doesn't believe that I love her very much because I am not good at expressing the way she wants. I am the type that gives gifts and does things for him. We figured out a couple years ago that I had it. My son was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago.
I wish I understood Aspergers when I was with my ex husband... he seemed so distant and uninterested.. even annoyed by the rest of the family 😢 but I can now see how he showed his love continuously thru gifts/working/ providing... I can see from this video that if I'd given him some ideas about how we felt loved he would have happily tried to provide that too to his best ability.
I have Asperger's and I quit dating altogether because its too much trouble, too much work. I gave up trying to find someone who understands me. Its just easier for me to live alone and live like a monk. My life is peaceful now, and I can think more clearly with no drama.
I`ve learned to notice small things, like minor touches, and generally learned to change my perception (like touching coming instead of words), and I know that even emoji can be useful :)
I am not autistic but do have a mom with ASD. Once I understood how viscerally uncomfortable she is when being hugged, I would never demand it ever again! Why keep forcing?
I think in this situation, you've got to find something that can serve as a replacement. Something she IS comfortable with that she cam do that you'll understand means what a hug means from someone else, you know? The physical contact is painful for her, but you need that feeling a person gets from a hug. Figure out something your mom can do to show you when she'd like to hug you emotionally but physically can't. Does this make sense? Like, if she were to put a mark on a paper on the fridge to tell you she's thinking of you and wants to be there for you but doesn't have a way to physically express that?
Trained from birth to not hug. But clung her leg. She was ashamed my shyness. I was not a curious child, I'm told. Enrolled at 5 into kindergarten, I my teachers reported my immaturity. Another disappointment. I do not have Aspergers, yet displayed like it until I left at 17. Turns out, I adapted pretty to the social scene. No fear of people. She's appalled at my need for them. Just wow.
Hello am I’m glad you commented! Autistic traits can be at the extremes so there’s a really high threshold it really low threshold. With touch an autistic may be highly sensitive to physical contact whereas another autistic may seek touch even more than most. I have clients and family (both men and women) at both extremes. Nonetheless, an autistic is likely to only want touch from someone well known and close personally.
Quite true..Everyone around me think I'm ruthless but actually I'm caring and loving but I don't show it and mostly they would bash me for not caring and I don't show it.Those without aspergers should watch this video to understand how we are..
I hate the 5 languages! Two episodes of that struggle. We had counselling with the five languages . He just sits at the table and cries. Nothing accomplished at all. Having expectations with a Asperger's partner can kill a persons sanity. He might know your love language and do it couple times then it just goes back to not caring again. You're absolutely right once they are locked into the relationship you become their mother rather than partner. Mad at myself for falling for this. You make sense to me though so thank you for your encouragement.
Hi Terry. Love languages don't always make sense to individuals on the spectrum, so the follow through may not happen, like you've said. It's so helpful to learn HOW to actually understand each other. You haven't "fallen" for anything. Neither of you have the tools to interact in a relationship to make it thrive. Come over to my free FB coaching group if you're not already a member (the link is in the description of this video).
I’m finding this so helpful for some family members in my life. I understand but it’s lonely being close people that are on the spectrum. I like the asking them what is your love language. Thank God for all the different people.
Minh, don't feel bad for being who you are. I'm sure it's frustrating, but being neurotypical comes with MANY frustrating traits, as well!! Challenge yourself to learn how those you love RECEIVE love and then trying showing them. Ask them to tell you how they feel most loved. Pick something that feels most comfortable to you. Then challenge THEM to accept that you love them even if you don't show it the way they typically need to receive it. We are who we are and that is how it is! Love yourself for your who you are. :)
My adult son is on the spectrum and doesn't care about me at all. It sure is painful to give a child all one's love yet they grow up and feel nothing for you whatsoever. He doesn't visit. He doesn't call. Ever. Just thinking about him brings sorrowful tears to my eyes.
My mom thinks I don't love her because I don't like to hug her or kiss her or gossip, I hate gossip. She says she can't talk to me about anything but I just can't stand it. It literally gives me so much anxiety and I get very depressed.
I've occasionally found getting further away from people who can't see me for them a healthy choice. Of couse sometimes I've just explained that sharing space is for me very much like a hug, and hoped they can accept that. Drew
Yes, it is okay for all of us to be ourselves - not just okay, but imperative! We all actually evaluate others from our own frame of reference - the trouble is when people struggle to see the point of view or perspective of others. It's a goal for all of us to remember that our perspective is just that - ours....but who we are is also for us to decide, and not for anyone else to judge. Thanks for you comment.
I agree with not blaming your aspie for not showing love in ways that are simply beyond them. I agree with your point about laying down your ego and pride and just telling them what actions they need to take in order for you to feel loved. But, I agree with this only in the context of a Parent/Child relationship. In a romantic relationship, you need to be honest about your own needs. If you truly need something that your partner is not ABLE to provide, then don't proceed with the relationship. Otherwise, manage your expectations about the kind of relationship that IS possible and your ability to be content over time. In my experience, your looking at a close friendship at best.
I'll respectfully disagree. I don't think that partners in any relationships are able to meet all needs. Aspies/NT relationships are no different. There is give/take in all relationships.
I'm dating a man on the spectrum. I'm so lost in our relationship. First of I can admit that we moved quickly and neither of us knew where things would lead..it was so unexpected. He often tends to talk about himself and only his interests. That annoys me at times, I think it's because I'm not sure I'd it's just his ego, part of Asd or something else. I notice that he doesn't pick up on the normal social cues. I was aware of that as we were once coworkers. I am just feeling overwhelmed by some of the challenges that I face being with him. I care for him deeply but I fear that he cannot love me the way that I want to be loved. I feel like it wouldn't be fair or right for me to tell him or "coach" him on how to love me. It just makes me feel bad. It may be my own issues that make me feel like it would be a bad thing to tell himwhat to do. But I also understand that if I don't tell him the things that I desire may never happen. I feel like if I ask or tell him that it will put pressure on him and I think he has enough pressure from the world as it is. A part of me wants to just throw the towel in. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm obviously looking into information online and other sources but I still feel lost. At times I feel like we are from two different planets beyond and trying to figure it out sees to be beyond my comprehension. I end up feeling different emotions when things don't go as I think I should and I feel a sense of guilt when I bring it to his attention. I dont want him to ever feel like is Asd is an issue (but at times it does feel like it is) I am new to this and I'm trying to learn how his brain or thought process works. It seems like a lot. People used to think he's weird (he's definitely different) but i hated when someone who doesnt even know him comments on him. With that in my mind i dont want to shed light on some of his actions because well as i said i dont want to poont things out. I dont want to make him feel like he has issues. I'm having a realization that a relationship with someone on the spectrum may be too much for me to handle. I dont know what type of Asd he has or how far he is on the spectrum. Or if it even matters. I am aware that he is definitely high functioning. I am having some issue with him understanding my love language. This video has encouraged me to eventually just tell him what I want. I am nit sure how to deal with some of his actions that swwm selfish. He only talks about himself. I'm dealing with his hypersexuality the best that I can. I basically just accept it and at some moments I enjoy it. Ither than that things are ok. We just don't seem to be on the same page much. I have a lot to unpack but I'll stop and leave it here lol
Hi there I’m glad you reached out in a comment. I recommend that you start with why you aren’t comfortable stating what you want and your needs. This is unrelated to your partner and rooted in your own insecurities and values. Start with where all that comes from. What you’re describing is a codependent personality that is turning into a codependent relationship. Watch some of my videos here on codependency and do some research about codependency. Your partner being autistic and you not being autistic is about being different from one another. These differences may be incompatible, but your perspective that he has “issues” is problematic. If you approach him about it as such, it won’t likely be beneficial to either of you. Is him being a man and you being a woman an “issue?” You are different He isn’t going to think and feel like you and he won’t know what you need unless you tell him. You’re different from one another, in some pretty major ways. That in and of itself is not a dealbreaker for many people, but unless you can talk about these differences your relationship will never thrive. It’s not about autism though - you will struggle in any relationship until you learn to be confident in expressing what you want, like, prefer, and need. 🙂
@kate-pure I want to make sure I that I understand your question so that I can answer correctly. Do you mean in general or in our relationship (if I voice or express/voice my my needs). Suffering with what____?
If i say i love you i mean it, Because i will also tell you no, i dont, if you ask me and i do not. Regarding giving us a list, im not sure about others but the list would be collected and secretly cherished and used often.
I've got ASD and I have found that I either like someone or I love them with my whole heart. It's very intense. My girlfriend is very understanding. I do however like physical contact if it's light and controlled. She knows that I have times where I really dont want to be with anyone. When I love someone I tend to be extremely observant, I learn as much as I can about them, I give more compliments and I make a bigger effort to look them in the eyes. I am usually the one that's following my girlfriend in the cuddling and kissing actions because I don't really know what to do. (She's learnt to tell me to kiss her when I don't understand her)
It's the same for me. The problem is that in the early stages of a relationship I'm generally very confused and need time and space to think. This is the phase where I torpedo my chances lol
This video really helped me. My friend is autistic and this really helped. Thank you this was so mega helpful I have a new friend that is autistic and I want to learn all about autism so I can understand him better.
He knows that I love music and he shows me affection by singing to me. Or just sharing music we both enjoy. Sometimes it's just gazing at the moon together.
I have ASD and my love language--what means love to me (acts of service and quality time and certain kinds of physical touch)--is not how I show love. I show love the way my mother showed love--gift giving. I think I've noticed that people often take acts of service and quality time for granted (perhaps because it's not their love language) but they don't tend to take gift giving for granted. It would be nice to know if someone else actually appreciated acts of service or quality of time, didn't take it for granted, because that would be more rewarding for me. Meanwhile, I don't enjoy receiving gifts... ever (unless it's a surprise trip out of town). Words of affirmation about me, unless it's about something I'm working on, means next to nothing to me because I'm self affirming, and yet, I give loads of affirmation (because my gift giving parent was hypercritical and I figured most people could use to be affirmed more). Tell me yours because I cannot take a hint. SO REALLY... you should ask. Ask me... 'cause if you look at my behavior--gift giving and affirmations--you might miss my love language entirely.
I love to be touched, but I also have issues with it I need to learn how to handle it better because I am very loving and have so much empathy that can be good for another being.
I'm a opposite to an autistic/aspie person, I'm very emotional and need love and attention, unfortunately my partner is autistic and sees me as needy, and doesn't understand when I get hurt or angry by his actions, in fact he starts messaging other women because they are 'safe' and it's not emotional. It's so hurtful.
I'm Aspergers myself and can tell you things freely:- always say exactly what you mean in clear English. Say it nicely and calmly. Ask him if he understands what you just said. If not, clarify until he clicks. We are very compassionate on the inside for the most part, but struggle to show it outwardly at times. We conduct ourselves in a way that we think doesn't harm other people, and are often shocked when suddenly given a spray over what we think is a trivial matter. As for your other comment, i don't think men should become fathers in their 50's as they are getting on, and will struggle to keep up with active and demanding children. These children will likely lose their father by about age 30......which is too soon to lose a parent. I was born in the 60's, so i should have been fathering kids in the late 80's and 90's. My time is up.
This type of video focuses on the ASD persons needs. This is fine if the person is your child. If it is your partner, I can't see how anyone can tolerate such anti social behavior. Your life matters too.
@@reukoji9520 nobody has to sacrifice their needs just because their partner has ASD. If you don't like being touched or showing affection then marry someone with ASD. Divorce is inevitable otherwise.
The place to start is to determine how you define love. What does it mean to love and be loved? Ask yourself where this definition of love comes from for you. Your family of origin, your faith, your friends, books, movies, etc.? I can't say if your husband loves your or not, but it's quite possible that he loves you based on his own definition of love - so that would mean you ARE being loved, but not in the way that you expect or want to be loved. There is a difference. Being alone, though, is a really different conversation. Many partners of autistic individuals feel alone even if they also know they are loved. The partnership is often very "functional" versus "connected, emotionally." That's a hard reality of neurodiverse relationships and it's important to determine what your dealbreakers are and if this relationship has other benefits and positives that outweigh your loneliness (in which case it's important to seek connection with family and friends).
Although this is true for some, every person's relationship and every autistic partner is different. Likewise every non-autistic person is different as well and I've seen many who are unable to love their autistic partner (who is quite capable of loving).
Hey everyone! Here's how you can get even more clarity about autism and neurodiversity in your life and relationship!
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My husband , who has Aspergers, came home from the store and showed me a toy that he bought for his grandson that he is going to visit. I'm not able to go this time. He said , "I wanted to show you the toy because I know you want me to share things with you." LOL I thought....well, I want him to share things with me because I want him to want that. But I'll take it and I did appreciate that he included me in that. It's not a big deal to most people but it's a step for us. He also left me a sweet love note on my pillow to find after he left.
Take it! The gesture...the intent is totally there! And the love note....how thoughtful.
@@JodiCarlton Thank you for replying. That feels very encouraging to me. I'm sure you'll see me more of me as I try to figure him out. lol
omg that's adorable
Hearing the word love and aspie in one sentence so many times soothes my soul so much....thank you
yalda roy what a beautiful comment!
My 77 year old hubby has Aspergers. His “love language” is doing things for me. I have of course noted that I can depend on him to never lie. He honestly doesn’t seem capable of telling a lie. His parents & his only sibling, an older brother, knew that he would never marry. That was a given. Then along cake me........when he was 64 years old. I was five years younger & had three failed marriages & three grown children. We’ve been happily married now for twelve years. We married when he was 65 & I was 60. We love each other dearly & fit together like a hand in a glove. His strengths are my weaknesses & vice versa. We love being together. We’re good for each other. I finally found a man who I’m ha pay to be with all the time.
I love this! Thank you for sharing!!
Jodi Carlton .......thank you! I know you were able to translate that “ha pay” near the end.......compliments of our beloved confused automatic spell checker.......to actually read “happy”!!! LOL.
Jodi Carlton .......me being a regular “chatty Kathy” type person, I of course could’ve made my sharing BOOK LENGTH in duration.......but I thought I’d better “put the proverbial brakes on”!!! LOL
Now that is true romance, lucky you!
I have aspergers and I've been married for 30 years to a man who loves me exactly how I am. He's gorgeous too! 😄
[envious glare]
Awww 🥰
I did not realize that my now deceased spouse had ashbergers until he passed. I knew he loved me, and he showed his love for me by staying loyal to me in the good and bad times throughout our 29 years of marriage. He would tell me, "I married you for better or worse, and I meant it. That was his way of saying I love you. He did not show much emotion, but he did a lot of kind and practical things in our marriage. He stayed faithful to me no matter what. He loved to share his interests with me. I loved this about him. He could fix anything that was broken. He was very intelligent even though he had difficulty socializing. We worked as a team in our marriage. I miss him so much. He will be gone 2 years on August 26th, 2021, at age 66. He was and still is my best friend.
Hi Mary. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m glad you have clarity now about your lovely guy and I’m so sad for you that you’ve lost him. I believe your comment will be inspiring to others here. ❤️
@mary Sorry for your loss. I enjoyed reading your post 💯💕
I can relate a great deal. My husb is a pretty good guy. We've been through some tough challenges due to him being on the spectrum and me not understanding. I would find myself nagging a great deal because I felt unloved and unappreciated. We've been married for over 35 yrs. I've been debating as to whether to leave or stay. A bigger part of me wants to stay. Like your late husband, I take my vows pretty seriously. Reading your post helped me a lot. I know if something were to happen to him, I would miss him dearly. He tries to please me in different ways. I'm grateful to be in a much better place in my life. With understanding of what he's going through, the nagging has calmed down a great deal. Sending you Positive Energy and Much Love ❤️
After reading alot of the comments here, I thought I'd way in with my two cents.
I'm 42 years old and was just diagnosed with asperger's syndrome/ASD. Getting this diagnosis was the best thing to happen to me because it finally made the previous 42 years of my life make sense. I now understand why I have 0 friends, no interest in social media at all, can spend 12 hours a day listening to music on my headphones, etc. With that being said, Aspies can definitely love someone and I'm proof of that.
I've been married to my wife for 14 years now. When I got my diagnosis and started researching ASD, I said to my wife: "You know that I love you, right?". Her reply to me was: "Absolutely. I don't ever feel like I'm not loved." How do we make our relationship work? Jodi hit alot of the points in this video. I always tell my wife I love her at the end of a call or before going to bed. Music is my special interest and I'm always including her in various ways. If she's on the couch on her phone then I'll be on the couch too doing my thing but we're still together. She knows I loathe going out and dealing with the public but sometimes I just suck it up and go. Even though my anxiety may be high, she's told me that just the act of me going with her and putting myself in an uncomfortable position speaks volumes.
The main thing is that EVERY relationship has compromises. Perhaps with an Aspie like myself the compromise is that I might not show the emotional reciprocity that my wife deserves but she KNOWS that. It's a compromise that she's willing to take to be with me. I compromise by doing things that make me uncomfortable. Yes, she's said that some days can be challenging dealing with me but every relationship has bad days. At the end of the day we both know we're loved.
If you're a person in love with someone with ASD, don't just run away like some people have said. Yes, you might get away from the person with ASD but you might run into someone who might beat you, might be a drunk, etc. Who knows? It's not always brighter on the other side. Aspies aren't the scourge of the earth like a lot of people seem to think. It might take a little work on your side but you fell in love with the person for a reason. Don't just toss it away.
If you're a person with Asperger's/ASD, don't automatically think you're going to be alone forever. There are plenty of people out there who WILL love you for you and not what you can give them. Keep your head up and just keep being you. I'm a perfect example. I never expected to get married either and it happened to me.
Thanks for reading and to my wife, Jenn: I love you.
Christopher Bruce thank you for this beautiful testament to a successful relationship!! So inspirational and encouraging for the others here!
You sound like a very loving & unselfish man/husband. Rare indeed. Just the one question you asked your wife shows you care about her. I'm curious how you came to all these realizations. Did you have parents that showed such love outwardly towards each other?
So nice to hear some good stories
No weigh? Weigh!
I’m autistic. I told my (now) husband that I loved him through a text immediately after our first date like a psycho lol. 5 and a half years later married happily. Not all autistic people struggle with verbal expressions of love.
Yes. Exactly.
Lol yeah.. but "through a text" which is Sooo aspergers.. 😊
Hi Isabelle! Yes, you are so right about verbal expressions, and thank you for your comment. You are a WOMAN with Asperger's, which actually changes things up a bit. Women come into this world with a bit more hard-wired programming for communication. So, women with Asperger's tend to be much better at verbal communication than men. But, the social awkwardness is still quite a challenge. I'm so happy for you and your guy! All the best!!
My grandson will occasionally come to me for a hug! Those are the best hugs in the world!!
I have Asperger's and people always told me I don't make enough eye contact. Now I apparently make too much eye contact. No pleasing people.
Sounds like you've worked hard to adjust to social expectations! :) And, yes, there will always be people who can't be pleased. If what you're doing works for most (and most importantly, for YOU), then you're probably just fine. Don't worry about it, if there are a few people who find fault in what you do. There will always be a few! If there are LOT of people telling you that your eye contact is too much, then maybe another adjustment is best. It's a learning process.
Like most things, it's a balancing act. Too little or too much of most things is bad.
Eye contact is a good thing, but it's usually broken up by occasionally looking at other things, either other things in the environment, or something you can both direct your gaze at. As Jodi mentions in the video, eye contact is intense, which is a good thing, but too much of it can make people feel uncomfortable.
Exactly bloody annoying 😂
For me the eye contact thing is totally random, even if somebody told me I can't register whether it's not enough or too much.
do you ever just stare into space while explaining stuff
I'm autistic. If you're going to flirt with me don't be subtle.
Dagny Taggart yes, thank you for sharing!
For me, its more of a balanced approach. I get turned off by both too little and too much. If a woman were to start looking at me like I was her next conquest or something, that would make me scared enough to start running for my sanity.
It is the 1st time I hear a non autistic person talk about autistic ones, or so I believe. Anyways, great to know you out there!
when you said: "the brain does not pick up on social clues" OmG! You hit it on the nail !! I am in the early stages of taking time to uncver my autistic side. Im 73. Also your video was a perfect length! I'm happy I've discovered you!
As an aspie myself, I must say this is very accurate. I'm so glad my boyfriend is so patient and understanding with me.
Thanks for the feedback! I always like to hear from aspies. I'm glad to hear that you have an understanding boyfriend. Show him this video if you haven't already - we non ASD peeps need all the help we can get, as well! :)
Jodi Carlton actually I had a talk with him about the video and showed him as well :) think that helped him a bit, thanks again
I let her borrow my favorite pen. She's the only person I would ever let borrow my pen.
Love this!
love this xxx
That is the sweetest thing I've read tonight. I'm weird about my pens so this would be a big deal from me even being neurotypical.
@@sinandcyanide7505 yes. Im weird about my pen paper and paintbrushrs.
@@traciereed4927 they all have a specific purpose, damn it! I NEED them lol
As the NT partner, I am SO tired of hearing how I am supposed to support HIM. I NEED support too! Where is anyone who addresses the NT spouse and how isolated, ignored, unencouraged, and lonely WE feel? It is not about my pride or ego ... I have had to adjust my brain to his needs ... why does he not TRY to learn what I need?
Hi Karen. I don't believe either one of you has the job of supporting the other - couples are adults and each partner is responsible for adulting. There is a difference between being aware of limitations in order to understand and "supporting" which is often codependent and enabling. This video about setting boundaries might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/yqDwCT7_i5I/видео.html
Also, I encourage you to watch my most recent podcast series where Mona Kay (host of the Neurodiverse Love podcast) and I share our own personal challenges in neurodiverse marriages. ruclips.net/p/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR
There’s a great guy on RUclips. Mark something. He totally speaks from how NT wives feel and explains how ND men can help them / adjust etc
First off, as an ND guy married to an NT wife, together for 26 years, NT/ND relationships are not easy. My wife and I have had lots of ups and downs, but once she took the time to learn about my various neurological strengths and weaknesses, we were able to communicate. You have to communicate with each other. We aren't mind readers, Us NDers need to know how you feel, and you need to be specific about things. He can't support you if he doesn't understand what you need.
I agree with you even if I recently found I'm on the spectrum and my Wife has BPD..really difficult at times, because I think I have to adapt to her feeling "the broken One" in showing affection but feeling Always so wrong doesn't help and authistic person..I have to force myself to Remember what she needs to help her.
Thank you so much for this video. I have high functioning autism but found a resource that really helped with showing love. I used it when I met my wife to show her. It’s a book called 1001 Ways To Be Romantic. It’s still in print. My wife eventually discovered the book and asked about it. But she came to realize that this was how I showed I cared for her. She even got me the sequel. It still gives me ideas and suggestions that seem special and unique ( she never red the books thankfully). But it’s important to understand what NT’s need. And videos like yours are great. Thank you again for this video
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and this great resource!
I have dated an aspie for a year. He isn’t a very touchy feely guy and I wondered if he really cared about me. Your video my me realize her does. He includes minutely in every important( to him) thing in his life. He tells me things we would never tell anyone else. He will call and text me constantly to keep in touch as he lives an hr away and we see each other on weekends.
I know he has trouble expressing how he feels but I think his actions show he does care about me a lot.
He is adorable and makes me laugh ... so important to me. Do I wish he would be more demonstrative? At one point yes, but the more I know him and understand him, it doesn’t matter anymore and I really like what he does give me... a ton of joy
Lorri Genovese love this! Thanks for sharing.
I am on the spectrum, my first wife put me through 9 years of utter hell on Earth. I couldn't show her affection, I wanted too but she was unlovable. I Am married now to a sweet loving woman. I am constantly expressing my love and affection.
The reason is in my analytical mind I have a contrast of a horrible and a good relationship.
Most people with aspbergers do not have alot of experience. He probably wants to express but doesn't know how or understand. Keep showing him love, I have felt so lonely my whole life, until this wonderful woman loved me.
I only like it with my partner. Not my family, or humans in general. I do not appreciate handshaking or being physically touched on my shoulder for example, by humans.
But partner, yes. I am super clingy and needy. I really like to be physically close with my partner, and this has always been the case.
I struggle to see lies. I have lied many times myself, but my lies are more in the lines of me appearing offline when I am actually online and playing a video game. Just to get some space and peace. Nothing very bad.
Showing love is most likely through daily conversation, consistency, keeping agreements, showing respect, trust, being considerate, allowing space, being direct, being understanding.
But I believe it should not be generalized to the extent in which you are doing it.
Example:
Me - I share and converse about my special interests every single day, and my partner finds that to be perfectly fine.
My partner - he keeps his special interests to himself, he shares very little which is fine. More room for me.
Both have autism, but we operate differently. We do belong to “the same species” if you can use that term. We are definitely of the same kind, but we are so different from one another.
I know many autistic humans within the video game community, and we are all completely different but with similarities. Like, the outlines are the same, and we understand one another on a deeper level, yet the inside and how we operate as individuals is completely different.
Well anyways. This became a long comment again. My apologies.
GREAT comment! Thank you for sharing this (no apology needed). You've done a great job here explaining the similarities and differences in ASD. And, yes the "species" thing makes total sense. I actually use this in explaining ASD quite a bit. Many folks with ASD feel like they're from a different planet, living amongst humans who look and speak the same as them, but are not the same species.
My boyfriend has Aspergers, and let me tell you. He's the world's best boyfriend ever. He loves to hug and kiss, he's always giving me compliments all the time.
This will change when your married then you'll see the "real" him. Speaking from experience
@@repentorperish6414 forgive or perish
@@StackXBT forgiveness has nothing to do with telling the truth about someone. Follow what the Holy Spirit tells you, God doesnt condone abuse. Someone's relationship with God comes first, relationship with someone abusive does not take priority over God.
@@repentorperish6414forgive or perish. That's a warning from God to his children. You also commented on someone else's good news with a negative comment. Its clear you're still bitter from past hurts and you project your bitterness onto someone else's experience. Forgive or perish. Many bible references that confirm this.
@@repentorperish6414 it is by grace that we are made whole literally and faith that we are saved. When you understand that someone else's behavior negative behavior has little to do with your own, you can learn grace. They are struggling and unfortunately have decided that you are the constant in their life that they can contend reality with. See it's not you they are fighting, you are just the median at times between their reality. It can feel thankless I'm sure. My wife is amazing in that she encourages the good things that come with being on the spectrum and is helping me to understand what isn't helping neither her nor myself. As a natural truth seeker, it's my habit to drop anything that isn't beneficial and pick up anything that might be of value. I can tell you that this has been the difference between living a nightmare to an absolute fantasy. It's always work but well worth it. I honestly hope this information in some way helps. God doesn't accept sin in any form, how anyone is to truly "make" has got to be simple. It's by grace. What kind of eternity we are making seems to be the only thing we might be able to actually affect in that regard. Keep going and God bless.
I am near 50 years-old, Asperger male and have never been in a relationship. I am trying to get my therapist to understand this but way too many people unnecessarily freak out. Like the Elephant Man said, " I am not an animal I am a Man."
Hope you believe that.
Totally believe you are a man. Therapists aren't very well trained in Asperger's, I'm sad to say. Sorry, to hear it's a struggle for you.
Zrex99 same here i been in one relationship year 2000 and 3 women dated til date 2019 , no need hear females priblems and manipulation not worth it happy as i am
You know what? at least you have the intelligence and courage to see a therapist. You are indeed a man and not an animal and I'm sure there are many women out there who would be proud to be in a relationship with you.
What I do not understand is why you assume that Asperger's syndrome has something to do with not having had relations at your 50 years... From what I have seen, there are many men without any diagnosis who are in the same situation in our day. It is not something that any therapist can fix, because it has nothing to do with individual personality, but with objective sexual dynamics. This dynamics is structurally unbalanced against men, since all the effort to seek and maintain relationships is placed on their shoulders, while women have at their fingertips a pool of male offer & attention without lifting a finger, and without anyone reproaching their symptoms in case they have a disorder. However strong the effort of the politically correct narrative is to put a mute on these things, there is nothing more than to open your eyes and look at the world as it is. There is nothing wrong with you, nor you're in a situation that tens of thousands of men do not share today, although they all publicly claim otherwise and intimately blame themselves. You can't blame yourself for an objective situation you can't control.
Yesss i love it when we get to do a shared interest, i also let her borrow stuff and i hope she hugs me even when i dont really like others touching me. Unfortunately my feelings arent reciprocated but thats life.
I wouldn’t say that people with Aspergers are “bad at lying” it’s just so EXHAUSTING !! Dealing with people it’s tiring enough as it is and when you add lying to the mix...
Thank you for sharing, Yasmina! It's helpful to learn how others feel about these issues.
I’m an aspie. People think I don’t like them because I’m “shy” or “quiet”
But if I like you- I’m silent. I can take the mask off of trying to keep a conversation and putting all that energy in.
If I like you, I just like being in your presence. Like sitting next to you, but scrolling on our phones silently- or watching a movie together kind of time.
Thank you for sharing this, Maddie. It will be helpful to others here. :)
I totally agree! I would never want to put my mask on, near the people that i love, and i would always want them to see me for me. After all isn't love about accepting each other for who we are!
Infact i feel very loved when both of us are comfortable being with each other "in silence" more than at any time!
But a long lasting relationship/marriage and with kids would require A LOT more than just being in the presence.
@@lifeseries7944 yes, of course! :) This video is not about what makes a relationship work - it's about recognizing signs that your partner loves you (in the way that autistic individuals tend to show love). It's by no means an exhaustive list, and some AS folks don't have these traits. These are just the more common ones. In my other videos, and in my coaching groups, we dive a lot deeper into how to make a neurodiverse relationship work. Come join us on FB - the link is in the description.
I actually love that fact about my boyfriend who has asbergers.
I'm going to tell you something. Don't ever change!!!!
Another significant thing to know about most people on the spectrum is that they are honest to a fault. Most either can't or struggle to tell a lie. If they do tell something not true, they feel bad and eventually tell you because it bothers them so much. My daughter is on the spectrum plus suffers with severe anxiety and PTSD from school. She is honest to a fault, has trouble reading social cues and frequently thinks others are angry with her because of sensory issues (minor changes in tone of voice makes her think she's being yelled at). She's a very sweet person and loves to share her special interests. She often follows me around so she can tell me things. She says she likes hanging out with me. She has several online friends but struggles making face to face friends. If more people would take the time to get to know people on the spectrum, accept them as differently abled and not expect them to just KNOW what to do or say, they would find them to be true friends and not people who manipulate or just say what someone wants to hear. Most people on the spectrum are lovely, insightful and honest people. They are just extremely misunderstood and want to be cared about and included.
The point where I knew my one long-term relationship was harmed to the point it couldn't be recovered was when I found myself desperate enough to try lying in order to say something I thought my partner wanted me to say. It turned out (of course) that not only did I feel awful for even trying, but that I was wrong in the first place anyway and I'd made things worse. I still lie from time to time because it's socially expected for normal interactions, but even that sorta... sucks honestly. NTs expect a degree of performative dishonesty that makes me uncomfortable in order to simply pass as polite. It's extremely taxing.
From my experience, it’s not entirely the case though, the ones I interact with are pretty manipulative and just want things to be their own way
I must have watched this 100 times. It’s so personally validating and I use it to share with my neurotypical friends and family. It’s so perfect. Thank you so very much.
Thank you for sharing this and I'm so glad that you feel validated!! It helps me so much in my personal neurodiverse relationships to look for how I'm being loved versus resenting not being loved the way I want!
I think my significant other has Asperger's and he himself had wondered if he is.... Seeing this video convinces me a lot that he really is, because this is how he acts. He's so lovely. He often asks how can he show love or make me happy.
Hi Charlie. It's great that he asks. Tell him!! Thanks for sharing.
As an aspie for me it's SUPER difficult to understand a neurotypical girlfriend. I've had a few girlfriends in my life, but all my relationships failed because it's difficult for a man with Asperger's to develop socially because we're mostly incompatible with everyone else. As teenagers our social skills are like that of an elementary school student, and in our 20's it's more like that of a teenager. It's depressing.
Same here.
It's a learning experience, for sure. I've seen men and women with Asperger's figure out how to make relationships work, but it can be difficult to do on your own. Let me know if you want some help.
@@sharodcoulson1291 it's hard, for sure. It's hard for NT's too! I work with men and women every day who haven't figured it out. Asperger's complicates things, but really all individuals have to learn how to do relationships - Asperger's or now. Let me know if you want some help.
Find a strong woman who doesn t need the constant ego boosts and is clear in what she wants and needs and have her own life.😊
Maybe a bit older?
@@Ytdeletesallmycomments I'm the kind of guy who prefers an older lady.
My aspie girlfriend goes out of her way for me and does things that are hard for her just to make me happy and I love her so much :)
sadly my Son Julien had Asperger's and took his own life after a horrible Cyber-bully incident at just 13, but he was very loving and affectionate child with a beautiful heart - couldn't have asked for better... just wish he'd have told me. Last words to me were, "Love you Mom, see you later." I am pretty sure he didn't know he was going to do it that morning, but at least my final words were "Love you too sweetpea..." If you have not already, please can you do a video about possible "depression attacks" with kids who have this condition? Love you forever Julien, R.I.P. 1994 - 2007
Laura, thank you so much for sharing this. It is such an important topic and one that isn't mentioned very often! I'm so sad for the heartache that you've had to endure. Yes, I will definitely give some serious thought to doing a videocast on this topic. Thank you so much for your comment. Perhaps you might be interested in being a guest? Please email me at jodi@helpingheartscounseling.com and let me know.
Super g, Laura Lewis certainly wasn't making fun of any syndromes, so I'm not sure what you're meaning there. If you are feeling unsafe or like taking your life, please reach out to someone you can trust. The national suicide hotline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the national crisis text line at 741741. I'm sorry you are struggling. :( There really are people who care!
Jodi Carlton Thank you for clarifying
super g Umm, I don't know if you read my full comment, but I in NO WAY making fun of you or my own Son who DIED!!! I have not been in "prison" for the last ten and a half years, I have been in HELL without my Son... Please think before attacking someone, it's hurtful and just so you know, I strongly believe that I have Aspergers Syndrome myself, I "got" Julien because he was just like me as a child in so many ways, including my trying to end my life by taking 12 aspirins one for each year I was alive (I was both harshly verbally and physically abused and saw no way out) my parents came home to find me throwing up, crying and then they saw the note telling them why... I thought it would be enough to kill me, but I was just a kid - looking back, they SHOULD have taken me to the hospital anyway, but instead they watched over me for the night. My Father stopped drinking - well, as much as he could at the time - he's a "functioning" and very mean alcoholic - and the beatings and daily tongue lashings stopped for about a month or two, he then returned to one of his favourite past times, beating and belittling both myself and my half brother. Now, Julien left a single note that said, "I love you Mom." and on another note book that he had to bring to school he simply wrote "F#ck school!" While I was at work he went to the train tracks, and pacing and crying for about 15 minutes (according to FOUR "anonymous" people who did NOTHING, but looked on) he even took off his school shirt to use as a pillow as he laid his head down on the track... So, no I am in no way making fun of other people's disabilities... I don't even know what would possibly make you think that. And here I go, over sharing again!
Laura, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope it will help others understand what you and so many more have been through and continue to go through. If you are reading this, and you are struggling, yourself, please know that you are not alone! Laura, I haven't forgotten about your suggestion to do a video about this. It's a very important topic.
I am autistic and i have my first date on May 18th 2024 with a autistic girl. This video is going to help me out, thank you
Good luck on your date! Love develops over time through sharing your life, opinions, and experiences with someone and learning the same about them. Trust is the outcome of being able to share and being valued for who you each are even when you’re really different from each other. I hope your first date goes well. It’s a start!
@@JodiCarlton thank you
My ex would always get so upset with me and yell at me wishing she didn't have to teach me how to love her. Sadly at that point I didn't realize I was an ASD with Aspergers specifically. I found this out for sure at age 39. Sadly I am alone, but used to it, grateful to have a dog at least, but even his bark can cause me to be greatly triggered. It's sad because he brings me so much joy at times. Yet I am at war with myself on whether or not I should keep him almost daily because of my sensitivity to loud noises. Some days are better than others, but this whole past week has been extremely difficult and I am grateful I found this video. Feeling hopeful, I just pray that I don't die alone. What I would give at this point to just be NT, must be nice... :(
Hi Jeff! Have you ever tried noise cancelling headphones or earplugs like Calmers? They don't completely cancel out noise, but they lower the volume.
I wonder about your dog breed and age, some younger and more active dog breeds can be very intense.
I don't know where you live, but in some places you might qualify for an emotional support dog/animal.
Have you ever met other ASD people? I highly recommend trying to meet some, as it is also easier to date someone more similar to you - if understanding eachother is important to you. I thought I would never date again until I met my ASD partner.
As exhausting as it is, if you have any special interests, I would consider talking about those online or other social spaces. It's the best way to meet someone you have something in common with, and friendship is companionship too.
ASD with aspergers are loveable, and you don't have to change. You do have to invest in your quality of life.
Hi Jeff. The sensory challenges can be so tough! Occupational therapists who are trained in sensory integrative therapy can really help. Check into it!
Try a cat instead. Way easier to take care of and also way quieter. No barking!
When my Aspie hubby and I make love.... It's ALL eye contact..!!
Go figure.... lol
I'm madly in love with my hubby... An Aspie spouse is INCREDIBLE FOR ME..! 💓💓
I've been waiting for this man my ENTIRE LIFE..! He is honest and loving... Gorgeous.... And brave!
I Thank God for him EVERY DAY.
I'm on his You Tube right now... Bless his beautiful soul and heart!!!💗💗💗
Sounds wonderful!! Thanks for sharing!
After 15 years together I realized my husband was Aspie. Until then I attributed his differences to cultural background and age (vastly different). After reading everything I could get my hands on, I asked him how I could know that he loves me and he immediately replied “well, I’m still here!”
His steadfast loyalty, truthfulness, and his acceptance of me just as I am fill me with gratitude every day. Beautiful soul and heart, yes. Glad I hung in there.
I think a much bigger question is does the NT spouse love the AS person (and know how to show it). If you don’t know how to show it, then just ask your spouse how you can show it in a way that is meaningful to them.
It definitely goes both ways. Communication is important for both partners to discover how you each give and receive love!
I recently started dating someone with Asperger's and watching videos to learn how to communicate successfully. I've learned a lot from the things I have watched and read. I like that he's different. We are working on communicating when we disagree or there is a misunderstanding.
Keep communicating! Keep learning. :)
Hi i starting talking to an Aspie. We are interested in each other. He has been honest from the beginning. We enjoy each other. I am researching aspbergers and how to have a relatioship with one.
I can tell my husband is lying from across a highway. And watching him take a "sick" day from work is pretty comical as well lol.
I would add a note of caution on asking an autistic person to plan a date for you...planning an outing takes a lot of executive functioning they may really struggle to be able to use. If planning the date isn't their idea and they're not really driven to do this, even telling them your favorite places to go and the dates and times you're free to go on a date within may be asking too much of them. Just scheduling doctor and dentist appointments is a major chore for both my autistic husband and myself (I'm autistic as well). The idea of being asked by a loved one to plan a date seems an absolute nightmare to me!
Hi Melissa. Thank you for sharing your experience and your husband’s. Yes agreed that asking an autistic partner to do the planning is often going to be very stressful. Planning/coordinating does not equal care/love. Many NT partners mistaken believe that a partner will plan if they care. I recommend that NTs who have a desire for a date make a specific request about a specific date and ask if the ND partner is available and able to meet that request (but rejection of the idea also doesn’t mean the ND doesn’t love the NT partner - it may just not be something they can do). That said…it IS important for an ND partner to push past some levels of discomfort at times in order to also show regard and care for an NT partner.
I am dating someone on the spectrum that I almost broke up with over these issues. You helped me by breaking everything down .. in regard to what is going on. I appreciate this video very much! Thank You!!✨
I'm so glad this was helpful to you! Come over and join in the discussion in our FB group for both partners! The link is in the description.
You are awesome for making this, an excellent checklist although with me, number 2 could be "initiating physical contact", if I'm not sufficiently close to someone I'm kind of "meh" about physical contact, like I might give a polite hug lacking closeness or warmth (or as my parents called it, the "Sheldon Cooper hug"), but if I'm really close to someone like my siblings, parents, best friend, and so on I can be extremely physically affectionate. One I'd like to add is that if there's a romantic aspect, like with my boyfriend (ironically I haven't as of now been dating him long enough to initiate hugs but I have been dating him long enough to enjoy being hugged by him) is a continuation of something people seem to do. You know how when you meet someone you have a crush on you get butterflies in your stomach and you can't swallow your saliva very well? One thing I explained to my boyfriend is "talking about regular Jamie things but with a lot of saliva" is intimacy for me. He's so awesome that he doesn't find it gross or creepy but endearing. I think maybe when I was really little (don't remember, can't confirm) I heard the phrase "drooling over someone" to mean you are infatuated with or maybe even in love with someone and my brain kind of took it literally, I do it without thinking, though. I also have a hard time eating around crushes and my boyfriend, some people assume it's body image issues or an eating disorder but it's really a shy stomach. If I'd eat too much and be around a crush (including my boyfriend) it ends up coming back up and my breath always smells rancid afterwards. Another unusual thing about me is I'm okay with sleeping together with my boyfriend but only literally cohabitating the bed with him (I want to save the other meaning of sleeping together for marriage), it's more like a two-person sleepover/slumber party than anything romantic, but it's romantic to me just to be next to him.
Hi Jamie. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences and insights! I know it will be helpful for others who have similar experiences themselves, or with a partner.
Glad I found this. My hubby is on the spectrum and I'm doing everything I can to learn more and more. We've been married for almost 3 years but only just now are able to be our own married couple. Thank you!
Dasie, I'm glad you this helped you!
I finally put 2 and 2 together after 33 years of marriage...my husband is on the spectrum. I don't know where to go from here. I thought he just hated me all this time, but hearing what you just said, I see he loves me. I feel like I'm now married to a grown child not a man and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I have the desire to work on this which makes me sound awful!! I wish I had someone close to help me on this new path of understanding. Thank you for your video.
I guess your best option is to do research to understand him better
to discover your Hubby could be on the autismspectrum might feel kind of a shock, but then also relief. importent would be to know for sure he IS on the spectrum and then maybe seek help for your self simply to figure out if you prefer to leave him. I do feel for you! And I hope things have alreaddy worked out in a new and hopeful direction!
leave boo it won't get better.
In school (I’m in highschool) I only unmask around my bf because I trust him immensely and I feel extremely comfortable around him
Safe people like your bf are the best place to unmask! Thanks for sharing your experience. :)
All your advice is amazing and spot on! I am in a relationship with an aspire and have been doing these things already before seeing the video. Seeing your video solidified that I’m not alone and that these things are all things that truly help. My partner shows love in his own way and it’s the most beautiful, unique one of a kind thing.
My husband enjoys a lot of casual physical contact with me, but has to force himself to endure it from others (even from our kids, which has required a lot of explaining from me to help them understand and not take it personally). He forces himself to accept goodnight hugs from our youngest who is a very physically affectionate personality because I've tried to help my husband understand that our youngest kid needs that. He even hates for hair stylists to touch him beyond the absolutely necessary (i.e. he's okay with their touching his head and neck, but hates it when their bodies brush his wide shoulders or arms). Our oldest kid also does not like to make physical contact with anyone he is not romantically involved in, with the occasional exception of me when he is in a really good mood and in a more extroverted mode. It's fascinating to see the differences and similarities between 3 autistic males on this topic!
Sensory differences show up in so many unique ways! Thank you for sharing your family’s combo.
There is a very sweet man with Aspergers Autism . He is in love with me. I love him . He doesn't like me telling the whole world about our love. But , he is very shy too. I am a introvert, but without learning disabilties . I have known people like him all my life . I jusr know he is there . That is fine for me .
I have ASD, and I have worked for years to adjust to people's level, and now I'm even worse off, because on the surface I appear normal, so people never keep in mind that I don't always understand concepts that are intrinsic to others. I have taught myself to like most foods, enjoy hugging, sort of enjoy kissing, and to send nice things to people occasionally. But this actually makes my life living hell because I am self aware enough to tell that there's still something off about me, and I clash with others a lot because I appear normal, but I struggle to fix myself. Could you please make videos relating to people who have an imbalance in inner and outer adjustment levels like I do?
Wear a t-shirt or something
I'm sorry to hear that, Margarita! I think that a lot of people are clueless, in general!
Full disclosure: I'm a nerd, and I don't think that I'm diagnosable since I don't have the worst symptoms of Asperger's, but I see a number of the aspects of it in me, just in a very mild form... But enough for it to be a problem to me, just not as painful as I see it described in others, including women!
Maybe you should pick crowds who will get you more, especially after you open up and say that you have diagnosed ASD. :-)
Definitely try to be open to others about you having apergers because people will see you trying through your gestures and that shpuld go a long way. The right people will understand you or want to try to understand you if they can't. Don't think about it too much because you are only human. Overthinking will make you go through hell for sure. I've always said that it is a joy killer. Once people around you know what you are going through on the inside by you telling them what you wrote on here and telling them that you have aspergers will make them realize that you put a multitude of efforts out to people and will really bring alot of understanding to your relationships.
Hi Margarita. I'd say stop trying to "fix" yourself. You're you. You're different, but there's nothing "wrong" with you. I do understand that you have struggled to read people, and you've done a lot to recognize what others expect from you. But, you get to be you. Surround yourself with people who value you just as you are. Share with safe people that you have ASD, and teach them about you. It's just as much their responsibility to understand YOU as it is yours to understand them.
This is very common.... most people, you might tell them you have Asperger's, say only your boss in the work environment. They may read about Asperger's, but they will never really "get it" how different you are, or how much extra management you take to "understand the concept" in the work place, especially with team work. I just try to be myself. If I am quirky to you, then so be it. As long as I am productive and get my work done as good or better or faster than others, by being more productive, I'm a valuable asset to the team.
I wonder if your assertation that an Autistic may not want to touch or be touched may not be romantic or sexual. This is not universal, and many Autistics crave physical intimacy and romance, but this may be perceived as "too intense" by others.
Thank you for asking! This video was the very first YT video that I recorded professionally (and I wasn't really thinking it would reach hundreds of thousands!) At the time, I was still doing clinical work as a counselor (thus the "Helping Hearts Counseling" logos for my local counseling practice) and was working with a lot of autistic teens and their parents. I made it for my clients and tossed it on a RUclips channel to make it easy to share. Parenting a teenager can be thankless, and parenting an autistic teenager can really be hard when these kiddos frequently become overwhelmed and express disdain for parents. My own autistic daughter was in middle school and I had learned to look for these kinds of signs to recognize her love for me. So, I made this video with the parents of children in mind. I knew it applied to adult relationships, too, and as it turns out adults REALLY needed to hear my message! So, physical, romantic, intimacy wasn't in my thoughts in regards to physical touch. I am referring specifically to non-sexual touch. All of that said, autistic children, teens, and adults do crave physical touch, and as you said can be "too much" for people. Autistic traits like this are often at the extremes. When you think about averages, neurotypical individuals fall within the averages of traits (like desiring physical touch), but autistic individuals often prefer much less or much more than others, putting autistic traits outside the averages at both ends. This does include romantic, intimate touch as well! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share more about this!
so, I only am now learning I am autistic.. however.. I will say this. I really hate being touched or having physical contact with people. It makes me feel SO uncomfortable. However.. If I really like you, I really enjoy physical contact.. and not in a sexual way at all.. but like being really close to that person and even just leaning on them.. arms touching, that closeness is so really nice.. I feel like I want to energetically merge with them lol : )))
@@giusigurl7971 what you’ve described is similar to my autistic daughter. Thank you for sharing!
@@JodiCarlton you're welcome. honestly.. it makes me happy to know i'm not weird for feeling like this ..and that i'm not alone. :'))
@@giusigurl7971you're definitely not alone!!
What a great video. Thank you for publishing it. Personally, I think that everyone is mad in their own, special and unique way. If you have Aspergers and you are in a relationship you have to realise that you have a fundamental responsibility to confront your own reticence to express yourself and your feelings, and try anyway. And if you are in a relationship with someone with Aspergers? You have to appreciate how significant that effort really is for them to make. My experience is that the most difficult aspect about being in a relationship with someone with Asperger's is not when she says something that is hurtful, but the things that she doesn't say. People with Aspergers seem to be oblivious to the fact that you can deeply hurt someone through what you don't do, or don't say. Not just what you actually do. Avoidance can murder any relationship.
Mailee, thank you so much for your comments! Yes, the "unsaid" can be really difficult in relationships with Aspies. Words of affirmation (from the concept of Love Languages) is not typically a way of communicating love for someone with Asperger's. And, YES, it's so important, though, to recognize how much effort is being made when your Aspie partner seeks to understand you and meet your needs. All the best to you and your love!
Thank you, I have Aspergers and found this comforting
I'm so glad it was helpful!
I'm on the spectrum and the man I'm in love with is, I'm almost certain, is on the spectrum as well. I've been smitten with him for years but I didn't realize he was too. Then I was super late to a birthday party of a mutual friend and he shot these texts, "Hey are you coming? There's an ariel sized absence here! :( I here you're coming from Willits. What would you like me to order you?" [concern for my well being] He saved a seat right next to me and offered to share the the food off his plate! Talk about sharing the same space! And he agreed to get coffee with me and asked about my physical health. So, yeah, I suspected this indicated he loves me, too, but I am *really* thankful for the confirmation, especially since I am dealing with my own autistic fear of rejection!
Two of my kids are on the spectrum. After reading a bunch of stuff, I think there is probably a chance I might be as well. I also think there is a chance my boyfriend might be mostly because of his own self declarations of not being able to read social cues and other things that might be considered odd behavior to some people, but they are also some of the things I like the most about him. We are both very logical people, and very interested in power generation among other things.
Ariel that was the cutest story ever! How are things going nowadays?
I hoped you grabbed onto each other and never let go!
The ND I married couldn't even think to ask me if I wanted something to eat even as he was eating every couple of hours, as usual, when I got home after bilateral total hip joint replacement and five days in the hospital. I could barely make it to the bathroom, the kitchen was a land too far. It was easier to just sleep and drink water. My BFF had to call and chew him out for not even considering that I might need to eat too. This after 21 years of cooking for him. 🙄
This is very helpful to learn.
I'm not neurodivergent but I struggle with trust issues and believing someone really loves me from past experiences, so I need to be reminded or I automatically assume someone does not love me. Now i'm in the situation of this video and I got mad at my loved one who's on the spectrum because they couldn't say they loved me at the time and that they can't control when they do say it. I've read that apparently this is common among the spectrum and I'm starting to learn how my loved one expresses their love and can see it is there, even if it's not how i'm used to love.
I’m glad you came across my channel. There are many videos here that will be helpful to you. Be sure to listen to the podcast playlist. Your girlfriend might find it helpful as well.
Gosh I really feel this is my husbands personality. The problem is I got so tired and fed up because he just doesn’t know how to love me the way I want to be loved but it started with so much emotional and verbal abuse so I feel like I can’t reach out anymore .
I really needed to hear this i think my bf is on the spectrum but haven't been diagnosed yet but hearing this, it's him!! It's totally him, i know now that he indeed love me his way, even though he says he doesn't comprehend what is love, thank you
I'm an aspie and tend to show my love through doing things for the people I care about,wanting to be around them and thru words as well.I am not very touchy but will give hugs to those who I care for even though it is uncomfortable for me every once in awhile.yes you are very right if I'm not understanding something or not getting something I want someone to tell me so I can understand what they want or need.
Thanks for sharing this, Beth!! My daughter lets me hug her even though it's uncomfortable for her, but she knows how much I love it. And I don't request it too much from her because I love HER! It's all about respecting each other's preferences and needs. :)
What's aspie??? Please stop using such childish 'words'.
@@piglet2548 Beth is right, "Aspie" is a term that is used by the Asperger's community quite frequently. Nothing childish about it.
I wish I would have seen this around Valentine's Day. For the past few months I've been really struggling with feeling loved by my aspie partner. We didn't celebrate Christmas or Valentine's Day and it made me sad. I should know by now that she doesn't really make a big deal about holidays and I thought they weren't really important to me either but to me it is a way to show someone you care. I want to get better at recognizing when she is trying to show that she cares. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time
I'm glad this video was helpful to you. Perhaps it could open up a discussion between the two of you?
You ask them - they will tell you honestly.
Yes, I agree!
My date never eats any meal in public.
I do not mention it ON the way We are about to get to know each other.
Well, it took 9yrs before he really trusted that i am lojal to him.
He is a genious musician, but terribly skinny , so afraid to loose him
Not eating in public is a common stressor for a lot of folks with autism. A need for loyalty is not quite as common in autism though.
All the best -- Jodi
I asked my son when he was around 14 if he loved me, he said no. I was not offended, but it did hurt a bit, he was just being literal, he didn't understand the concept of what love meant. I just explained as best I could what the term love meant. Left it at that.
In reality he doesn't have problem with knowing love, he just doesn't feel it with you.
Ah, guess my son doesn't love me then according to you.
Never mind I went through some very hard times raising him and never abandonded him, always protected him, accepted him and gave him what freedom he needed. That is love. I will never stop loving him. He has grown into a decent good man. I am very proud of what he has achieved. I am and will always be his one and only Mom.
Don’t worry I’m a girl with aspeguer and I do really love my mom And my whole family . What I technically ain’t like it’s romance On a romantic way . But that’s very ironic .
There are so many possibilities here, regarding what he meant. Aspies are VERY literal sometimes and they have "scripts" for what things mean. For example, your 14 yr old son may define "love" as a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife relationship. I had a Mom tell me that her teen son was totally grossed out when she asked him the same thing. His definition of "love" was a romantic one. So, that's an important conversation to have - to help broaden and re-define a script. You will know he loves you based on his actions.
@@JodiCarlton Wow very interesting. Thank you for the comment.
The whole concept of "love" is one of the most abstract, vague and comlicated mechanics I have tried to understand.
Yes. So true for ALL of us!
I have asberger,but I got a late diagnose.
I'm 55 right now and I got the diagnose in the age of 40.At first I thought this is not true.But then I did my researches and from that moment on it was like a brickstone was falling from my soul.I found out that i learned a lot by doin researches.I agree with a lot of things that you say,but I have no problems with touch or touching the one that I love,if the one that I love is honest.But I hate to play games.I'm bored with small talk and rules.So I think that sayin is right 》If you know one person with autism,then you know one person.
However.Great video🔝Thanks♾
Yes absolutely. These are just a few signs and they don’t apply to everyone. There are so many other traits. The commons thread is the actual presence of sensory “differences” and language, relational, social differences. They’re going to show up in various ways though in each person.
I’m glad you got some clarity for yourself.
Thank you so much for this information! I just recently met an amazing guy online who has aspergers...the reason why I fell in love with him is because I myself struggle with depression and he always seems to get me out of my head just by talking about his interest, which in the end makes me feel proud in someone other than feeling down about myself all the time. I do really like him a lot but I do notice that he is very strong with his set ways, and its hard for me because my mental illness makes me feel bad about how my opinions/feelings effect other people, but at the same time he forces me out of my shell with his cute boyishness attitude xD when he flirts omg he's the cutest thing ever, his tone when he flirts makes me laugh so much xP through text his flirts come off strong and so that was one hurdle I was worried about, but then I actually got to talk to him voice to voice and he just sounds like a supper passionate guy who tries to get is play on with flirts haha it's the cutest thing ever, tbh. ^_^
Thank you for sharing! Aspies can be very stabilizing!
Hah, you guys seem very cute. Make sure you work it out together :>
I found my self in a similar situation. When my then new partner told me he had Aspergers at first is was OMG but I very quickly (like a min or so) realised my initial worries about our relationship went away.
He is really good at helping me deal with my anxiety and my migraines. He thinks he is unobservant but he is really good at spotting my anxiety acting up or when I start with migraine symptoms.
He did love me but it looked different than I expected. Wanting to including me in his interests really rings true. It helps that we shared some compatible interests so I may not be as involved as he is with the interest but I can enjoy it with him.
Thank you for sharing this!
Hi Jodi, I am aspie and have three girls . We hug each other til were cooked. I had to learn to do this with them and now we are such a loving family !
This is fantastic! Thanks for sharing.
I have a friend who has Aspergers, and he always tells me he deeply cares about my approvals and opinions. I have such a good time talking to him but I feel like I overthink his feelings towards me.
So you're a typical woman, then? :P
@@Mr.McWatson Maybe lol
aspergers are terrible liars and also it can get them too much energy to express something... therefore if they say something, you can bet that 99% it will be very honest truth
you can kinda use this knowledge, and ask them some question since you know that if they speak, they will tell you the truth
just dont push them if they dont want to answer... if anything they could lie when they feel pushed , forced to answer something. If you simply ask and is okay if they dont answer, then you will get the truth :) as simple as that
@@petergraywolf5765 Ah I see, thank you!
I'm positive he is "overthinking"! It's a hallmark of ASD to have to constantly analyze. They cannot intuit what is going on with human beings. Subtle body language cues, or unclear language in the form of idioms, sarcasm, humor cannot be processed immediately, if at all. We "normies" must seem to possess a sort of magical, secret skill--just imagine!
My 44 year old Aspie has no idea he is on the spectrum. It took me months to realize it but now it's clear as day. Our relationship is over from constant misunderstandings where he always chose to put a negative spin on every action or word I ever did or said. I want to tell him so bad but I dont want to ruin his life or upset him.. he seems to be doing fine not knowing until it comes to relationships. This has all been so hard and frustrating. So much time spent wondering why things were going this way. Sorry I guess I'm just upset and ranting. I miss him so much.
........tell him! He'll be confused and upset for a day or so, then he'll read about it, research it, and be over the moon that he can identify with a certain group of people, and adjust his life accordingly. It may even bring you two back together, with him knowing what the trouble was to begin with, and making adjustments.
Ashley Ellwood I would say that you sit him down and explain to him about characteristics in his behaviour that might mean something he doesn't know. Take him to his GP, if you can and ask to be referred to an Asperger's specialist. This way you won't shock him. Also, you cannot tell him what you think it is because you are not an expert doctor. Let the professionals do the job.
Ashley Ellwood I was wondering why I wasn't behaving like everybody else since I was 12. I only figured it out by myself, after I read an interview of a 21 year old Aspi in the Guardian, who was describing his own behaviour since he was a kid and it read like he was talking about MY life. Still, it took me another year and a half before I went to my GP, because I kept looking back of the episodes in my life which didn't make sense then but they did if I applied the Asperger's factor. I'm almost sixty now and I only know about my condition for the last 12 years. I wish I knew about it earlier. Today, kids are diagnosed when they are 3 years old, so the parents can protect them and help them. I only had bullying from my own family. I had to move to another country to avoid them.
Ashley Ellwood You should also know that Asperger's never comes by itself. There are usually at least two other conditions making life even harder. I've met Aspies with Tourette's syndrome, psychosis, schizophrenia, dyslexia, personality disorders and more. I got the depression/anxiety and ADHD bonus tracks and I only found about ADHD few months ago. Needless to say that these conditions never goes away, there is no cure and they come with a need for medication.
Ashley Ellwood I have heard about quite few Aspies who were told by friends or family about their strange behaviour and told them that they need to see a GP, and it works this way. But you should also know that the GPs don't even call it Asperger's. It's now called High Functioning Autism or as some specialists think it's not even a thing, it's just a difference in character. The GPs also have been told to avoid sending people to doctors for a diagnosis, I guess for money reasons and to avoid long waiting lists. I had to wait for 6 months but I've heard of people who waited for longer. There are very few specialists around. Mine was Swedish and I was her last patient before she returned to her country.
Thank you so much for this video! I started dating my boyfriend almost 4 months ago and he has Aspergers and I’ve been noticing his aspie traits as of recent. I started getting doubtful if he still loved me or not but one night he told me he that he still in love with me and how it’s just hard for him to communicate it to me but it was like he read my mind that I was getting doubtful. Watching this helped me realize that he always wants me by his side and in his presence (like going on trips cause he loves to travel, takes me to local hockey games cause he love hockey, and we look at maps a lot cause he’s a map collector and loves Geography) this video helped me out a lot so thank you for your help on helping me understand my boyfriend better ☺️😁
Great! I'm so glad it helped! Thanks for sharing. :)
He’s been doing a good job so far,). I also like cuddles and laughing with eachother. Going out together and having a fun time, that’s love!! Being with one another and feeling the love from the souls❤️
Physical contact can be difficult for me, hand touching in particular…..my partner is the like the only one I’ll let touch my hands, and I’ve tried to get him to understand what I huge deal that is for me.
Thank you for sharing! Like yourself, many autistic individual will push themselves past comfort zones with close loved ones. My daughter doesn't like personal touch, but she'll hug me and her other close family members.
My friend she's autistic - she likes to talk to me because she knows i care and want to understand her problems - she lets me touch her hand - i feel special to her - you just need to make extra effort and be patient with ASD friend.
Thank you so much. This really helped me, I started crying during it actually because my girlfriend has austism. She was always acting strange and one night, about 2 months in the relationship she tells me she had austism. She doesn't like to look at me and I didn't know it was painful. Well unless we are being intimate, other than that she barely looks at me and hates when I look at her for to long. Also I ask her to be intimate with me and she doesn't know what to say or when to kiss or anything like that. But she tries to include me in her life very much. So this really helps with the doubts. I started crying because I've felt like such a bad person because I hate telling someone what to do, or how I like to be loved. If that makes sense. Just thank you for this! It really opened up my eyes!
I'm so glad this was helpful to you!! I totally understand! It's understandable that you'd want her to know what you need, but if you can rethink things about her, and learn to tell her what you need, she will likely be grateful, and you will more likely get more of your needs met. :)
Bless your heart.... I diagnosed my new hubby.... I fell in love with him even though I knew something was off. He is THE SWEETEST MAN I HAVE EVER MET..! Just keep living her... She NEEDS the guidance.... It's ok! Do it in love....💗💗💗
This was very helpful I’m dating a girl who is on the spectrum and I’m constantly wondering if she really does love me and she says she loves me so I think this video just answered my question
I’m so glad you’ve gotten some clarity. Believe her. 👍👍🥰 She’s just going to show it in different ways than you’d expect.
......any human interaction is a liability these days. Best just to keep exchanges brief and be independent as one possibly can of others.
Thanks for sharing. I hope you'll eventually discover someone (or more than one someone) who will be an asset for you versus a liability. There are people out there who are willing to understand you - take at look at the comments on this video.
@@JodiCarlton ok
@@JodiCarlton ......tbh my social skills need complete overhaul before anything else, otherwise trying to have any extended interaction just gets weird.
My brain is wired for ADHD and I never found any of the "Love Languages" really hit it for me. They're nice, don't get me wrong, but none of them ever really "spoke" to me. A couple of years ago someone proposed a set of five "Neurodivergent Love Languages", and suddenly they made a lot more sense, in particular the "Parallel Play"
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had many clients express a desire to be in the presence of the people they love and I have experiences this with my own autistic family and friends.
I’m learning from you, what is the five neurodivergent language please?
Thank you, very helpful for pointers towards feeling loved by my aspie boyfriend of 13 years. It has been so hard and I have been tempted to walk away so many times but reminders like yours are all I need to get back on track and remember that I can not expect responses from him the same as with someone more neurotypical. Thank you xx
I’m so glad this was helpful to you! I hope you’ll join me, and others who are in spectrum relationships on FB. There are men and women with autism in my free coaching group as well. The link is in the description.
Very good video. Thank you. My wife doesn't believe that I love her very much because I am not good at expressing the way she wants. I am the type that gives gifts and does things for him. We figured out a couple years ago that I had it. My son was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago.
I'm glad you found this helpful!
I wish I understood Aspergers when I was with my ex husband... he seemed so distant and uninterested.. even annoyed by the rest of the family 😢 but I can now see how he showed his love continuously thru gifts/working/ providing... I can see from this video that if I'd given him some ideas about how we felt loved he would have happily tried to provide that too to his best ability.
I have Asperger's and I quit dating altogether because its too much trouble, too much work. I gave up trying to find someone who understands me. Its just easier for me to live alone and live like a monk. My life is peaceful now, and I can think more clearly with no drama.
Jas, I hate that dating was so difficult for you. :( I'm glad that you've found peace in your life, though.
This video is amazing my boyfriend has Aspergers and it has been affecting our relationship lately this video has helped
Shania, I'm SO glad that this has helped! Thank you for sharing!
I`ve learned to notice small things, like minor touches, and generally learned to change my perception (like touching coming instead of words), and I know that even emoji can be useful :)
I am not autistic but do have a mom with ASD. Once I understood how viscerally uncomfortable she is when being hugged, I would never demand it ever again! Why keep forcing?
Isn’t that tough for you ?
I think in this situation, you've got to find something that can serve as a replacement. Something she IS comfortable with that she cam do that you'll understand means what a hug means from someone else, you know? The physical contact is painful for her, but you need that feeling a person gets from a hug. Figure out something your mom can do to show you when she'd like to hug you emotionally but physically can't. Does this make sense? Like, if she were to put a mark on a paper on the fridge to tell you she's thinking of you and wants to be there for you but doesn't have a way to physically express that?
Trained from birth to not hug. But clung her leg. She was ashamed my shyness. I was not a curious child, I'm told. Enrolled at 5 into kindergarten, I my teachers reported my immaturity. Another disappointment. I do not have Aspergers, yet displayed like it until I left at 17. Turns out, I adapted pretty to the social scene. No fear of people. She's appalled at my need for them. Just wow.
@@karenmossbryan7932 Because your brain was unstimulated so you needed validation.Common sense. Your brain was compensating..🙏❣️
This is such an important and INFORMATIVE video!
I hope they are autistics who have touch as their love language. It can't be universal that we don't like being touched. I crave hugs!
Hello am I’m glad you commented! Autistic traits can be at the extremes so there’s a really high threshold it really low threshold. With touch an autistic may be highly sensitive to physical contact whereas another autistic may seek touch even more than most. I have clients and family (both men and women) at both extremes. Nonetheless, an autistic is likely to only want touch from someone well known and close personally.
My boyfriend has physical touch love language, and it's been great since mine is also touch. He gives the best hugs and holds my hand all the time ❤️
@@pyromaniacalmagpie3198 How wonderful for you both! Thank you for sharing. 😊
Quite true..Everyone around me think I'm ruthless but actually I'm caring and loving but I don't show it and mostly they would bash me for not caring and I don't show it.Those without aspergers should watch this video to understand how we are..
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes honesty can come across as "ruthless."
I hate the 5 languages! Two episodes of that struggle. We had counselling with the five languages . He just sits at the table and cries. Nothing accomplished at all. Having expectations with a Asperger's partner can kill a persons sanity. He might know your love language and do it couple times then it just goes back to not caring again. You're absolutely right once they are locked into the relationship you become their mother rather than partner. Mad at myself for falling for this. You make sense to me though so thank you for your encouragement.
Hi Terry. Love languages don't always make sense to individuals on the spectrum, so the follow through may not happen, like you've said. It's so helpful to learn HOW to actually understand each other. You haven't "fallen" for anything. Neither of you have the tools to interact in a relationship to make it thrive. Come over to my free FB coaching group if you're not already a member (the link is in the description of this video).
You become their caretaker
How often did you indulge in his "love language"? How did he respond to that?
I love hugs too, and my daughter gives them reluctanly ❤
This was really helpful. Thank you so much. I'm not sure why anyone would give this a thumbs down so I had to say that.
Really glad it helped you!
I’m finding this so helpful for some family members in my life. I understand but it’s lonely being close people that are on the spectrum. I like the asking them what is your love language. Thank God for all the different people.
Sigh...I'm one of those aspies that don't show that I love someone.
Now I feel bad. It's so frustrating.
Minh, don't feel bad for being who you are. I'm sure it's frustrating, but being neurotypical comes with MANY frustrating traits, as well!! Challenge yourself to learn how those you love RECEIVE love and then trying showing them. Ask them to tell you how they feel most loved. Pick something that feels most comfortable to you. Then challenge THEM to accept that you love them even if you don't show it the way they typically need to receive it. We are who we are and that is how it is! Love yourself for your who you are. :)
Very painful for some of us women to feel neglected 😟
My adult son is on the spectrum and doesn't care about me at all. It sure is painful to give a child all one's love yet they grow up and feel nothing for you whatsoever. He doesn't visit. He doesn't call. Ever. Just thinking about him brings sorrowful tears to my eyes.
I can show it in many ways, but I am very subtle and careful about it.
Don't worry...I'm not an aspie and still i can't show that i love someone👍
Nice video! Just popped out of my feed randomly, doesn't apply to me but it's still nice to see good representation! :)
Thanks for the feedback!
@@JodiCarlton You're very welcome!
My mom thinks I don't love her because I don't like to hug her or kiss her or gossip, I hate gossip. She says she can't talk to me about anything but I just can't stand it. It literally gives me so much anxiety and I get very depressed.
I've occasionally found getting further away from people who can't see me for them a healthy choice. Of couse sometimes I've just explained that sharing space is for me very much like a hug, and hoped they can accept that.
Drew
Yes, it is okay for all of us to be ourselves - not just okay, but imperative! We all actually evaluate others from our own frame of reference - the trouble is when people struggle to see the point of view or perspective of others. It's a goal for all of us to remember that our perspective is just that - ours....but who we are is also for us to decide, and not for anyone else to judge. Thanks for you comment.
same here sis, when my mom said that i feel so bad for her but man i can’t help it, i hope one day she knows i do love her ☹️😭
I agree with not blaming your aspie for not showing love in ways that are simply beyond them. I agree with your point about laying down your ego and pride and just telling them what actions they need to take in order for you to feel loved. But, I agree with this only in the context of a Parent/Child relationship. In a romantic relationship, you need to be honest about your own needs. If you truly need something that your partner is not ABLE to provide, then don't proceed with the relationship. Otherwise, manage your expectations about the kind of relationship that IS possible and your ability to be content over time. In my experience, your looking at a close friendship at best.
I'll respectfully disagree. I don't think that partners in any relationships are able to meet all needs. Aspies/NT relationships are no different. There is give/take in all relationships.
I'm dating a man on the spectrum. I'm so lost in our relationship. First of I can admit that we moved quickly and neither of us knew where things would lead..it was so unexpected. He often tends to talk about himself and only his interests. That annoys me at times, I think it's because I'm not sure I'd it's just his ego, part of Asd or something else. I notice that he doesn't pick up on the normal social cues. I was aware of that as we were once coworkers. I am just feeling overwhelmed by some of the challenges that I face being with him. I care for him deeply but I fear that he cannot love me the way that I want to be loved. I feel like it wouldn't be fair or right for me to tell him or "coach" him on how to love me. It just makes me feel bad. It may be my own issues that make me feel like it would be a bad thing to tell himwhat to do. But I also understand that if I don't tell him the things that I desire may never happen. I feel like if I ask or tell him that it will put pressure on him and I think he has enough pressure from the world as it is. A part of me wants to just throw the towel in. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm obviously looking into information online and other sources but I still feel lost. At times I feel like we are from two different planets beyond and trying to figure it out sees to be beyond my comprehension. I end up feeling different emotions when things don't go as I think I should and I feel a sense of guilt when I bring it to his attention. I dont want him to ever feel like is Asd is an issue (but at times it does feel like it is) I am new to this and I'm trying to learn how his brain or thought process works. It seems like a lot. People used to think he's weird (he's definitely different) but i hated when someone who doesnt even know him comments on him. With that in my mind i dont want to shed light on some of his actions because well as i said i dont want to poont things out. I dont want to make him feel like he has issues. I'm having a realization that a relationship with someone on the spectrum may be too much for me to handle. I dont know what type of Asd he has or how far he is on the spectrum. Or if it even matters. I am aware that he is definitely high functioning. I am having some issue with him understanding my love language. This video has encouraged me to eventually just tell him what I want. I am nit sure how to deal with some of his actions that swwm selfish. He only talks about himself. I'm dealing with his hypersexuality the best that I can. I basically just accept it and at some moments I enjoy it. Ither than that things are ok. We just don't seem to be on the same page much.
I have a lot to unpack but I'll stop and leave it here lol
Hi there I’m glad you reached out in a comment. I recommend that you start with why you aren’t comfortable stating what you want and your needs. This is unrelated to your partner and rooted in your own insecurities and values. Start with where all that comes from. What you’re describing is a codependent personality that is turning into a codependent relationship. Watch some of my videos here on codependency and do some research about codependency. Your partner being autistic and you not being autistic is about being different from one another. These differences may be incompatible, but your perspective that he has “issues” is problematic. If you approach him about it as such, it won’t likely be beneficial to either of you. Is him being a man and you being a woman an “issue?” You are different He isn’t going to think and feel like you and he won’t know what you need unless you tell him. You’re different from one another, in some pretty major ways. That in and of itself is not a dealbreaker for many people, but unless you can talk about these differences your relationship will never thrive. It’s not about autism though - you will struggle in any relationship until you learn to be confident in expressing what you want, like, prefer, and need. 🙂
@@JodiCarlton I agree. Thank you for your feedback
@kate-pure I want to make sure I that I understand your question so that I can answer correctly. Do you mean in general or in our relationship (if I voice or express/voice my my needs). Suffering with what____?
Did some research, not sure how the codependent part applies but I'm open to learning about it
Stop giving your body. If you don’t know if the two of you are compitable
Thank you so much for this video. Very informative.
I'm so glad it was helpful!
If i say i love you i mean it, Because i will also tell you no, i dont, if you ask me and i do not. Regarding giving us a list, im not sure about others but the list would be collected and secretly cherished and used often.
Thank you, Jodi! I had no doubt he loves me, but I'll definitely put your tips into practice (:
Thank you
I've got ASD and I have found that I either like someone or I love them with my whole heart. It's very intense.
My girlfriend is very understanding. I do however like physical contact if it's light and controlled. She knows that I have times where I really dont want to be with anyone. When I love someone I tend to be extremely observant, I learn as much as I can about them, I give more compliments and I make a bigger effort to look them in the eyes.
I am usually the one that's following my girlfriend in the cuddling and kissing actions because I don't really know what to do. (She's learnt to tell me to kiss her when I don't understand her)
It's the same for me. The problem is that in the early stages of a relationship I'm generally very confused and need time and space to think. This is the phase where I torpedo my chances lol
This video really helped me. My friend is autistic and this really helped. Thank you this was so mega helpful I have a new friend that is autistic and I want to learn all about autism so I can understand him better.
He knows that I love music and he shows me affection by singing to me. Or just sharing music we both enjoy. Sometimes it's just gazing at the moon together.
I have ASD and my love language--what means love to me (acts of service and quality time and certain kinds of physical touch)--is not how I show love. I show love the way my mother showed love--gift giving. I think I've noticed that people often take acts of service and quality time for granted (perhaps because it's not their love language) but they don't tend to take gift giving for granted. It would be nice to know if someone else actually appreciated acts of service or quality of time, didn't take it for granted, because that would be more rewarding for me. Meanwhile, I don't enjoy receiving gifts... ever (unless it's a surprise trip out of town). Words of affirmation about me, unless it's about something I'm working on, means next to nothing to me because I'm self affirming, and yet, I give loads of affirmation (because my gift giving parent was hypercritical and I figured most people could use to be affirmed more). Tell me yours because I cannot take a hint. SO REALLY... you should ask. Ask me... 'cause if you look at my behavior--gift giving and affirmations--you might miss my love language entirely.
I think the MOST important thing you said here, Madison, is TELL ME! :). It's all about communication, right?! Thanks so much for your comment.
I needed this affirmation today. Thank you.
I'm so glad that this was helpful to you!
I love to be touched, but I also have issues with it I need to learn how to handle it better because I am very loving and have so much empathy that can be good for another being.
I have actually heard from many of my clients with Autism that they have a high level of empathy that is quite intense.
My boyfriend when first started dating told me he loves to be caressed
Nefelibata cc
Thank you for the vid. I fell in love with an aspie but he lives on the other side of the world. I'll see him in sept for the first time :)
I hope it works out for you!!!
@@lucyna911 What do you mean?
It's almost Sept, so you'll have to let us know how it went. Be prepared that "in person" may be very different than "virtual."
I'm a opposite to an autistic/aspie person, I'm very emotional and need love and attention, unfortunately my partner is autistic and sees me as needy, and doesn't understand when I get hurt or angry by his actions, in fact he starts messaging other women because they are 'safe' and it's not emotional. It's so hurtful.
I'm Aspergers myself and can tell you things freely:- always say exactly what you mean in clear English. Say it nicely and calmly. Ask him if he understands what you just said. If not, clarify until he clicks. We are very compassionate on the inside for the most part, but struggle to show it outwardly at times. We conduct ourselves in a way that we think doesn't harm other people, and are often shocked when suddenly given a spray over what we think is a trivial matter.
As for your other comment, i don't think men should become fathers in their 50's as they are getting on, and will struggle to keep up with active and demanding children. These children will likely lose their father by about age 30......which is too soon to lose a parent.
I was born in the 60's, so i should have been fathering kids in the late 80's and 90's. My time is up.
@@noelgibson5956 i have an uncle that become a father at 50. My father had me at age of 45
This type of video focuses on the ASD persons needs. This is fine if the person is your child. If it is your partner, I can't see how anyone can tolerate such anti social behavior. Your life matters too.
@@yakkyjoe1 what
@@reukoji9520 nobody has to sacrifice their needs just because their partner has ASD. If you don't like being touched or showing affection then marry someone with ASD. Divorce is inevitable otherwise.
I don't feel like my autistic partner loves me at all. I've been with him for seven years and I feel so alone 😢
🤗
The place to start is to determine how you define love. What does it mean to love and be loved? Ask yourself where this definition of love comes from for you. Your family of origin, your faith, your friends, books, movies, etc.? I can't say if your husband loves your or not, but it's quite possible that he loves you based on his own definition of love - so that would mean you ARE being loved, but not in the way that you expect or want to be loved. There is a difference. Being alone, though, is a really different conversation. Many partners of autistic individuals feel alone even if they also know they are loved. The partnership is often very "functional" versus "connected, emotionally." That's a hard reality of neurodiverse relationships and it's important to determine what your dealbreakers are and if this relationship has other benefits and positives that outweigh your loneliness (in which case it's important to seek connection with family and friends).
They will never give you what you crave. Run while you still can
Although this is true for some, every person's relationship and every autistic partner is different. Likewise every non-autistic person is different as well and I've seen many who are unable to love their autistic partner (who is quite capable of loving).
My dad was on the spectrum I only worked it out as my son very high functioning is identical.