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This is exactly what I’m dealing with, have been for 15 yrs and always felt like I was made wrong for wanting more connection, and feeling so lonely in our marriage.
After nearly 30 years of marriage, the possibility that the root cause is not my fault in being over the top in my reactions (well, I can be) but perhaps something else. What a relief. I have been beavering away on my own need to come to grips with my own stuff and now I can say, honestly, it is what it is. Honest, hard working, incredibly loyal is my man. I am like another commentator, I choose to love, and get on with it. Thanks for a great video. This, plus some kind words from my therapist, are helping me accept the situation, celebrate the good and flex my compassion muscle some more. He and I love each other, perhaps because we are so different
I divorced my husband- nothing lonelier than being in this kind of relationship. I did years of marriage counseling with him first and therapist never brought up the idea he was on the spectrum. (Years later my girlfriend told me. Made perfect sense then to me.)
I am in my 26th year of marriage to the most out of touch, self centered man I’ve ever met! 18 months into our marriage during an argument I said there is something wrong with your brain, normal people don’t think like this! Well, it has been a long hard road for me to continue to live this man. The rest of the story is that he is a devoted, honest, hard working gentlemen. He has been misunderstood by most, but he wakes up new everyday. Always wanting to move forward, as I wallow in the loneliness of our relationship. I had to make a decision to love it or leave, I choose to love it, consider myself lucky to have free time to see my friends, my adult children and grandchildren. It’s not the fairytale girls want, but I’m human too and I can’t cook, don’t follow the rules and he never complains about my shortcomings. I wouldn’t want to live without him and together we are one.
Teresa it can improve, and you don’t have to do this all by yourself. Please join me, and others in spectrum relationships (including men and women on the spectrum) in my free FB coaching group. The link is in the description of this video.
Theresa, as you know, relationships are a two way street. If you love him enough to take the time to understand how his brain works differently, without any judgement, without contempt, and with genuine sincerity and love, I am certain that the relationship can improve for you both. Let me just make one point very clear, though, there is nothing wrong with your husband’s brain, and that way of looking at it can only be hurtful to him and to the relationship. Saying that there is something wrong with an aspie’s brain, or that they need change the way they think and do things, would be like saying left handed people are doing things the wrong way and that they need to learn to do things the right handed way. I’m a person on the spectrum and I’ve come a long way in learning to love and accept myself the way that I am in a nuerotypical world that seems to imply that something is wrong or unloveable about me simply because I experience and interpret the world differently than most. Indeed, the only thing that is wrong is for others to be rejecting people who perceive and interact differently with the world around them. All that any person on or off the spectrum wants and needs is to be understood, to be loved, and to be accepted for who we are. Since communication and relationships are a two-way street, it would be incorrect and unfair to blame the relationship or the communication difficulties on the person who has autism, just because they have autism. As I’m sure you know because you married one, aspies are just as loveable and as worthy of love as a nuerotypical. At any rate, I have found AANE.ORG to be an invaluable support community and reference for resources for myself living on the spectrum, and they also support the families and loved ones of persons on the spectrum. On their website, you can schedule a free online zoom consultation/referral meeting with one of their specialists. Also, they offer many free and low-fee support groups, conferences/webinars and social activities for your loved one on the spectrum and they also provide the same for family members. I think you and your husband might find some great resources and support there. It’s the only organization that I’ve come across that provides resources and support for the adult asperger’s/autism community, so check it out.
This is an old video but I just want to say to mix things up in the comments-I have a husband who started out this way; closed off and trapped in his routine, where he jumped to assume he was too strange to be understood and didn’t try to connect with me very deeply. Weirdly enough though, I found he was sensitive to and recognized my moods and state of being more than anyone else I’d ever met, and it turned out it was because I also have autism. Once we figured that out and he witnessed my attempts to understand myself better and unmask, he started opening up more about himself and we’ve been working to understand each others’ different needs on different places on the spectrum. Getting his help with chores is still hard, but I understand he’s trapped in a routine and I am willing to be very patient. He does care; intensely and deeply, and we express our love in very simple ways but we feel those ways powerfully; and we’re both trying to slowly grow to be better for each other. It’ll take time, but we have a lifetime to be together 💜
I have been in such a marriage for 30 years. It sounds so familiar. Luckily some of my husbands routines are shopping grocery, cooking and cleaning. He already had them when we met.
Thank you for sharing your story!! This is inspirational to so many who will read this. I have seen neurodiverse relationship work when both partners are willing and motivated to be vulnerable (like you've described) and to look inward and grow.
@@biaberg3448 Thank you for sharing this with everyone! We all need to make best of what we enjoy and what interests us so the things that aren't enjoyable are easier to tackle.
I am researching Autism because my son has been diagnosed..in doing so I am certain that my husband is autistic and now I think I might have Asperger's. I do have ADHD but I actually joke a lot and I am usually able to connect with everyone I meet but my ability to feel emotions is very very low. I am under emotional which my autistic husband is actually very emotional...I sometimes think I could make money on a reality show as a neurodiverse family
Patricia, I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's death...but I'm so very glad that I was able to give you some answer, and hopefully comfort in that. Hugs to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been married to a man for 20 years who has adhd , possibly autism exc.. I know how crazy the love affair can be.. My husband opens up from time to time.. and seems to get/ understand me..within a few minutes, we are butting heads again..It breaks my heart. One minute connection..next minute, please don’t touch me. I wander sometimes, which is true..does he love me or.. I have to believe he loves me..we always come back to each other.. as different as we are (our souls love each other). People on the spectrum are persistent..don’t quit easily.. He loved you or he would have been persistently seeking something else..Just a common trait, that verifies love for those on the spectrum..If they stay, they love you. Congratulations on 30 years..I know it had its difficulties but what a ride, right 😀 Be blessed!
@@sheilastayton2285 I accepted my husband as he was and we had a very happy marriage. I am confident in myself and do not need someone to tell me I’m an ok person so if I wanted a hug I knew I had to ask for one and it was because he couldn’t do it spontaneously. He was the kindest person ever to be in my life.
Thank you for sharing this information. However from my experience as an ASD man, I've got to share with you that there are many more variables those promote the signs you just mentioned . In my case, as a child and as teenager, realizing my differences from regular people, made me get interested in psychology as a tool for understanding. Self observation, inquiring with other people about their feelings, their thinking, etc, have taken me to evolve much over the years. Nowadays, all that work has made me become very empathetic, caring, and have expanded the barriers of social behaviors. Encouragement for self awarness, and practice of meditation, as well as nutricion, can give us posibilities for evolution.
Hi Sean. Thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective! I absolutely agree with you about the variables. This list is a “short list” of common traits. This is why some providers struggle to recognize autism - because they don’t realize that there is such great variance. The traits in this video do exist, nonetheless, for many, and it’s a starting point for a lot of people. My hope is that more people like you will seek to educate themselves and become more self aware in order to improve interpersonal and social relationships.
I am only partway through the video. My first marriage failed in a large part due to my misunderstanding of humans. I spent most of my life being the last one to figure out "was just happened" in a social circle. Computers became my first love because they always respond the same way with the same input. Humans, to me, were hopelessly chaotic and unpredictable. After the very painful failure of my marriage, I took to research into human behaviour. In a desperate attempt to protect myself from further trauma in my interpersonal relationships, I read as much as I could about psychology and relationships. If you don't understand something, you cannot control it. Control is what I needed in order to protect myself from future trauma. My main vocation is computer software development, but my "hobby" continues to be understanding human, and in general, mammalian behavior. I love animals of all kinds, and generally quickly establish a bond with them. I am rambling here, but in my experience, all mammals have an innate capacity to establish a relationship with other mammals. (I don't mean to exclude fish or exoskeletons, but actually, I do). Most dogs will immediately identify anything that is moving as exciting and something worth pursuing. However, they can be taught to respect a cat or other animals that are typically considered prey as a member of the family. I joke about my dogs and cats as being "Supremely Autistic" even though they have a capacity for empathy and make regular eye contact. There is something to be considered here, as we learn about the range of cognitive and behavioural traits/patterns considered normal in either humans and/or their mammalian relatives. I love animals, and I love computers. I have grown more and more to love people as I expand my insights. But mostly computers and animals. lol.
Hi there! I am on the spectrum and did not know I was for my childhood and adolescence (it was diagnosed when I was little but I was told later.) I just wanted to state that I think that many people on the spectrum can be much more grey in their thinking than the typical portrayal of being black and white thinkers. I have been called "highly flexible" by supervisors at work and I rarely get angry unless someone has consistently been doing something cruel. I think it's important for those who are alllistic to keep in mind that some autistics can...in some domains...sort of defy common stereotypes. That said, I am a female, and I have always been interested in self improvement. I was bullied a lot growing up because I was called eccentric, weird and so on. I think learning to find a way of thinking about others that was not black and white ( rigid ) was perhaps the single biggest thing that has helped me because it allowed me to deescalate emotionally and avoid meltdowns or shutdowns (I have not had many as an adult and when I did most of the time it occurred when I was very stressed and people were not respecting my boundaries...especially after I repeatedly expressed my needs (for example - one person I considered a friend spiked my drink with alcohol, and did other things that I asked them to stop and they considered it amusing.) Also...and I honestly believe you know this stuff (I don't doubt your knowledge whatsoever) but I think it always helps to see a perspective from behind the "veil." One of my favourite words at age 2 was veil. I even wrote it down (I was a hyperlexic child but initially had language regression) I was convinced a veil covered me and I could peak behind the veil and see others but it was like peeking through a wool blanket and seeing the world through a distorted lens. I also told my mum that no one could really see the real me when I was around three. I think I had the awareness to understand I thought differently from a young age and saw the world differently but one of the things I would highly caution is for those who are not on the spectrum to assume our exterior expressions match our inner emotional state. As a child I was very somber, very serious. But I got criticized a lot for that and this anxiety lead not only to social anxiety disorder but also people pleasing tendencies which I am still working on eradicating. Sometimes I feel like the most adequate statement of how I feel and think is that my mind and philosophical outlook is very flexible, very fluid...but my nervous system is very easily overloaded. It makes me wonder if some of the rigidity is caused by secondary conditions that go undiagnosed because the autism masks a secondary condition. So it goes undiagnosed (say, OCD.) For example, rigidity and strict adherence to routines is also something that I think waxes and wanes...but can get worse without adequate support. I know that when I tend to stick to routines more...it's usually when I am very stressed. Also, what can look superficially like an adherence to sameness can be misleading. For example, at work I often order and eat the same meal. But I have major GI disorders and GI disorders are very common among autistics too (along with migraines, seizures etc.) This could look like a strict adherence to a routine but it could be a way of navigating a situation where there are fewer options for us because many of us have many food sensitivities or could have a GI flare up if we radically shift what we eat. So again, this can look like a rigidity of thought issue but stem from other issues. Also, when it comes to social communication issues...I don't think we are necessarily poor at socially communicating. But we prioritize different things, often. We might come across as blunt but generally I would say the vast majority of neurodivergent people I have met are very compassionate, honest, loyal people. We often seem to understand instinctively how to communicate well with other autistics...which makes me wonder...is the real issue that we are bad at socially communicating or rather that we do express ourselves differently to the point that neurotypical individuals have poor social communication abilities when it comes to interacting with us? There are conversations about this on autistic self advocacy groups that sort of go like this: if we have difficulty reading the intentions of allistic folk...we are seen as lacking a skill. But if they have difficulty reading us...we also are often told its our fault. I see it more along the lines of what you spoke about in your video...we are almost living a parallel existence. We can often have great and engaging conversations with other autistics and struggle more with getting our points or intentions across to allistic people. The issue then is more complicated than being too sensory sensitive, poor at communication etc. I like the idea that we use a different mental operating system (say, Linux...not as commonly used but has some tremendous strengths and positive qualities) vs the much more widespread Windows. One OS is not superior...but they each excel in slightly different ways. Also, I feel like there is a tendency to pathologize many aspects of the autistic experience...even when nothing is wrong, per se. For example, if a neurotypical professor or musician or ballerina committed themselves to a discipline or subject they would be lauded for their exceptional devotion. But when an autistic hyperfocuses on a subject they love...that is considered perseverating even though in this particular example our intense loves of certain subjects provide us with absolute joy and are not ego dystonic experiences....yet it still is addressed as something being "wrong" and minimized as being some robotic seeming feature. I even had a previous friend (no longer a friend based on some of the things they said and how they treated me) once call me an "idiot savant." This is because when I am highly interested in a subject I can memorize facts and information very rapidly (for example memorizing pi to over a thousand decimal places for a Pi math contest when I was younger, being able to memorize entire screenplays of my favorite movies and television shows after watching a show one time, and being able to memorize dates and trivia with ease when I am interested in a subject.) But that is down to an intense interest and the focus that I think intense love and interest in mastery provides...it's not this robotic ability where I parrot back information like a bot. So much to unpack here, and that's without even addressing non-verbal autistics who often were deemed cognitively "challenged" due to difficulties communicating and a lack of resources provided during their lifetimes. No doubt some autistics might be harder to live with for a variety of reasons, but that is certainly not all. And when it comes to empathy, and compassion in particular...studies have shown repeatedly that neurodivergent people are less likely to be racist, homophobic, ageist or to bully others. Other studies also show that as a group we are more likely to loyal and honest, and many autistics are hugely into animal and human rights. In fact, there is a huge interest and fondness in the neurodivergent community for animals and the care and protection of other species and animal therapy and having a companion animal is well known to reduce anxiety and stress in our community, in particular. This speaks of a huge need to connect, huge compassion and devotion. That alone says so, so much and it also shows that we need more dialog between different neurotype groups so allistic and autistic people can both more readily come to understand the 'language' of each other. It would also help clear up misconceptions. For example...stimming. It's not an alien behaviour so much as a means to emotionally regulate. But allistic people also do stim...just not as often (say, pacing back and forth in a hospital hallway when waiting for news of a sick family member etc.) Sorry for rambling. It's just frustrating sometimes to be treated like an alien or called an idiot savant or whatnot by a group of people who pride themselves on being more emotionally intelligent or of having greater empathy but then who often gossip and mock and bully others who are different. Makes me wonder why stimming and infodumping are pathologized while gossiping, and being hostile towards those who are different is seen as more of the status quo default state. It seems like out of whack priorities and sometimes many resources provided for allistic people about autistic people feels shallow to me. Lacking fair representation, if that makes sense. But thank you for doing your part to help make some of out atypicalities seem less 'wrong' and more understandable. Take care. 🫂
I know this is an old post, but I appreciate what you've said. I'm autistic and most (likely all) people in my family going back and forward in the generations. I have one very hostile and mean brother and one very kind one. Both are autistic. Both may miss social cues, but both pick up on emotional cues, as do I (also autistic). The mean bro picks up on emotions of others and can use that against them, mocking them, etc. He's hurt other family members financially, on purpose, to get revenge, etc. and often he wrongly assumes people have acted against him. The kind one would comfort you and would give you the shirt off his back. It's all over the map. I married and later was divorced from a man who is autistic. We are widely different. Then there was my mom. I thought initially, "she couldn't be autistic, she loves people and they love her." I realized that people are her special interest. She has so many signs of autism and her mother was most definitely on the spectrum. And about special interests: I belong to a couple of groups centered around my special interest. But if I go too deep into it, the NTs who are most or all of the group, don't seem to like that. Instead they'd rather make small talk. It's something I have to put up with from NT's, even in a group focused around this interest. But no one wants to put up with a deeper dive into the topic. I get the message that I'm too much of a nerd. In past groups/experiences, I've seen the eye rolls from NTs. They are uncomfortable around anyone who's different, though I'm not. But it's the autistic person who has the disorder?
Beautifully said! I have used the analogy of Mac/iOS and Windows being different yet neither is wrong, quite like Neurotypical brains and Autism brains seem to run on different "operating systems." We communicate well among those on the same operating system and have difficulty understanding those on the other operating system.
I am 57, diagnosed at 47, married for 35 years. Just in the last few years have I really began to look at my life through the lens of being autistic and how this is who I really am. I'm working on unmasking and being more true to myself. My wife and I are just beginning to realize how much my autism has been shaping our relationship behind the scenes. Great video!
This video is making my head explode. Every single trait she mentioned describes 80 of the men in this country. NO, 80% of the men in this country are not "on the spectrum". Nearly everything she describes falls under the category of completely normal behavior by men. Being a man does not make you autistic, being autistic makes you autistic.
So glad you've been married for so long. Your wife must be very special as well as you. It's hard trying to fit into a more "normal" world when you're really just trying to be your wonderful self.
Understanding and successful communication will always be the key for an high functioning autistic person to have a successful lasting relationship with someone who doesn't have autism I think
Where did you go for a diagnosis? Because I'm middle aged and my mom is a senior and I strongly believe she's autistic and I'm on the fence about myself having autism.
I am autistic. Married. You have done a good job of describing my world. The breaking of routines is crucifying. Routines bind our world together. There’s so much activity incoming from outside, often like living within a blizzard. Sensory collisions blowing you apart again, again, again. Great, informative video though. Apologies if I didn’t make sense 🙂
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@@kishup1995 an infant and a child is suppose to get attention from their parents, which is healthy development. And prevents them from craving other outside attention.
My kids and I referred to my ex boyfriend as the “cyborg “. I’m starting to think his lack of affection , emotion, never giving compliments, attention and very little eye contact are possibly due to some level of high functioning autism . Such a smart man and good at so many things. I just could never put my finger on why he was so emotionally unavailable yet seemed to want to keep me. I felt really unattractive but now I see he probably couldn’t help it. 🤷🏻♀️
Hmmmm....were we dating the same guy? 😅Exact situation with my BF of 2.5 years. Most of my friends noticed he was unreachable etc. We just broke up, and only afterward was it pointed out to me he has so many symptoms of being high functioning spectrum. I helps a little to know he's just not wired to connect like others...still it's very sad. I just couldn't go on with being starved for ANY affection, appreciation, connection etc. He was handsome, fun, nice, smart, creative....on the surface seems like a potentially great partner. Live and learn.
I just now decided to end it with my bf. I’m sad and will miss him !! But he can’t give me want I need in a relationship. I just realized after 5 mo. That he had to be autistic. I’m not breaking up bc of that. But it’s just too hard for him to communicate so in a way I guess I am breaking up bc of this. 🤷♀️
It's sad that a lot of people in the comments are assuming that being a jerk is a characteristic of autism. How someone decides to handle their situation is what makes them a jerk. Some people will refuse to admit that they could be wrong and never improve. That's not a characteristic of autism, it's a characteristic of assholes. There is a difference between being a jerk because you don't understand socialization, and doing it out of malice. A mistake is usually cleared up after people talk about it. If the person is truly an asshole, they will dismiss the other party's concerns.
That's true. Anyone can be a jerk. I think some people (who have commented here) are in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed and who is not willing to believe it or learn about themselves, hence the reason for the harsh remarks. If not that, they just didn't want to work on the relationship. If my spouse told me I lacked natural/learned abilities that 98% of the population possessed, I would probably resist believing it without massive amounts of proof and a real self-revelation, especially if I didn't feel like my quality of life was suffering in any way.
This is a big truth.. Indeed, many people, aware of the syndrome, justify their insensitivity by pretending that they are in the spectrum. Also, among aspergers, there are those who do not want to change because it is convenient for them to be forgiven by others for their stubbornness.
I have a coworker who is autistic and she is a jerk. I have a friend who is autistic and she hates children. I am wondering if my soon to be husband is on the spectrum as well, that’s why I’m watching this video. He’s a super nice guy though. But that means out of the 3 people I know, 2 out of 3 are kinda jerky. 😂
@@aggk.3151 this may indeed happen but is hard to comprehend. Being autistic is a terrible handicap and diminishes quality of life. High functioning has benefits but a huge drawback in that the handicap is effectively hidden and so not accepted easily by others, spouse/partner etc. I wouldn’t wish this curse on anyone. Anyone who does this is not very different from someone who parks in the handicap parking bay !
You did the right thing to choose self preservation. Marriage, simply turns you into a permanent carer, where the “for better“ is for the ND and the “for worse“ is for the NT, as the relationship is very unequal.
I have autism and my first boyfriend told me I was like this. I thought people could just feel my love. I CHANGED. once he told me that i changed because i cared how he felt. Men have this ability and if you tell them how you feel and they dont change, move on!! They don't care about you. If they did they would consider your feelings
Thank you for this comment! It’s so helpful for others to hear that autistics absolutely can be motivated and wiling to change and if they aren’t then move on. ❤️
@@JodiCarlton The onus is not only on the neutotypical, and the way you tend to talk about the neurodivergent members in the relationship concerns me a little. I'm not sure your description of the way autistic people experience emotion is accurate or helpful either.
@@Elkenders Spot on! The changes autistic individuals can make are mechanical, not heart-felt changes based on empathy. Of course my husband likes me, but he would like the next person just the same. He doesn't think of me as someone more special than the others in his circle of familiar people. He doesn't share any personal feelings with me that he wouldn't share with a dozen other people. The "special relationship" is not reserved for me.
@@icvideos1621 I feel this with my current partner...I've told him that he's got the role of "wife" available and I just happen to fit...but it could be any other women not ME specifically
You truly nailed it. Great explanation 💯 💕 I've been married for over 30 years, and looking back, everything makes soooo much sense. When my aspie husb and I would argue, he told me I had problems; something was wrong with me. I would get very emotional... which he couldn't handle. I was in counseling. He told me I'm wasting my money. it has been a rollercoaster ride. However, I'm in a much better place in my life. Listening to videos such as yours is helping tremendously. I've accepted that he has Aspergers. Part of me wants to leave due to lack of communication, empathy, affection, connection, etc. and the other part wants to stay due to the fact that he does try as best he can. Many thanks to you.💕
It’s helpful to have the framework for understanding him but ultimately we each have to know our own personal dealbreakers. Some people are happy and can thrive whereas others cannot. There is not a “right” answer.
@sophukinsikofit So sorry to hear you are going through that. I decided to stop focusing on my husb and focus on things I enjoy. I have no doubt that things are working out for my good. I pray you find peace within.❤️❤️
Wow this explains so much. I kept thinking he may be borderline or narcissistic but it didn't quite add up but how you explained this I see this in my husband.
So, I just stumbled across a video by Dr. Ramani called Neglectful Narcissists 101 it's a 3 part series! Each video is less than 15 mins. I thought my husband was a narcissist, then ASD, but neither really fully fit him till I saw those videos! Now it's super clear, he might not have ASD at all... but they look so close, except that apparently ASD people have empathy & narcissists don't...
It depends on the individual, and how emotions are experienced and expressed. Some of the autistic folks I've worked with literally don't experience emotions whereas others, like yourself, experience very intense "big" emotions.
I agree... I have emotions that I just can't turn off ... I am nuero divergent autistic and I had to go to war 4 times ... a combat vet... I had to feel absolutely everything, and I did have some envy for the nuero typicals that could just turn off .... "Well, they just are praying to the wrong God... ect... dehumanizing with ease or suspending their reality in a pseudo mindscape world akin to video game land...". No, I'm sorry, we are not animals without feelings... these thoughts or suggestions about the peronderance of our community lacking in emotions should not be federated. If you really want to know what it feels like, watch idicoracy... love it . 😀
Stumbled across this and it closely describes my relationship with my partner who I believe is on the spectrum. High functioning. It sometimes feels like I’m in a parallel universe; it all looks normal but there’s a shift in the universe somewhere and it’s not ‘normal’. Totally got the bit feels like we’re speaking a different language. I’ve often said it’s like we get a little way somewhere (after a lot of ‘coaching’) and then the reset button is pressed and he goes back to factory setup mode. 🤷♀️. Sometimes it appears there’s a void of emotion and sometimes he simply doesn’t know how to respond at all and I have to give a strong steer. Doesn’t seem able to look ahead and consider potential scenarios/outcomes. He can be so very self centred and stubborn and yet the rest of the world will see him as a kind and inoffensive human. And those things too can be true of him. It also feels like I’m being gaslighted sometimes but another of your videos has shown me that whilst the process and outcome might be similar, the neurobiology and intention behind it is not. It’s not done to manipulate. As someone else commented, I made the decision to stay because of love. Nevertheless, it’s very hard and, at times, I feel lonely and shut out.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I can assure you that you’ve described what many others are also experiencing and your words will help others feel less alone. Being in a relationship is hard no matter the neurotype of each partner. For a neurodiverse couple, though, there are variables that make it harder. Ultimately it’s about choosing what matters the most and weighing how much your life is impacted by the positives and the negatives.
I have heard many many stories of parents getting a diagnosis after their kids because they are like “wait…they are just like me at that age.” Happens with ADHD a lot too (and ASD and ADHD overlap a lot, and may even be related presentations of some brain pathology)
You have described my relationship too! 24 yrs together but I feel as though I am single as we are both on completely different wavelengths. He is 80 so I feel that diagnosis for him is not a path worth going down now. I just have to learn to cope. I’ve started going on holidays on my own now. This video confirms everything I suspected
My mind is blown! So glad I looked into this. I was dating a man recently who is incredibly kind and smart but also did not display emotions, seemed to speak a different language, was terrible at communicating and took everything literally, even jokes. My short time with him left me feeling needy, lonely and confused. He checked off everything on this list and now I feel more compassion and wish I had known this about him. Maybe he doesn’t know himself? He says he never approaches women because he’s so awkward. He’s very handsome and played soccer professionally in Mexico. Dang, now I feel bad about the times I got upset with him because he hurt my feelings. I ended it on Sunday because I couldn’t take it anymore 😢
There’s no need to feel bad. Your experience is your experience. Even if he is autistic, unless he is motivated and willing (and has the capacity), the relationship would have significant challenges. Neurodiverse relationships can thrive and do, but it takes both partners actively acknowledging neurodiversity and making intentional effort to understand their differences from one another.
In my opinion you'd be doing him a big favour by calling him up and gently telling him he may have ASD, and that his future relationships may go MUCH better if he works along with the ASD. I agree with Jody that some professional assessments may make things worse if they are not doing their jobs properly, but self assessment can be life saving, in that many unaware men with ASD tend to be suicidal and their kids can suffer their whole lives if they don't know why they are treated a certain way by their dad. Awareness can make a HUGE difference, like night and day for some.
Do not ever turn back. The chances of having a successful relationship between a NAT and NT is extremely low. That is a real truth, not an insult. Could you have an adult relationship with a genius 12-year-old? If they don't have it, you can't put it there.
@@icvideos1621 Autism is an incredibly broad spectrum so to make a generalization like this is horribly ignorant. To speak as if every autistic person is the equivalent of a "genius 12 year old" shows your lack of understanding of the disorder
After 37 years together. This is so true. Ive just accepted that neither od us are perfect. It is hard work and i have felt lonely in my marriage but he is loyal and loving. And i try not to take it personal. Acceptance is huge in a marriage
As a parent of an autistic child I can 100% say that they do have a wide range of emotions except they can’t understand how we associate emotions with certain things you get it with some thing that they can associate with you will see that wide range of emotions they just experience their motions in a more defined way less abstract
Absolutely hits home about speaking English, but speaking another language. I can't understand how he so often completely misunderstands what I'm saying. Also, being dismissed, constantly. If I had a dime for how many times I've heard "that's ridiculous" or "stop playing games" when trying to communicate how I feel about something. Always distracted, never fully listening to me. If I'm speaking with him, he's looking at his phone. He has difficulty making eye contact with me. In a group, he makes no room for me to enter a conversation. He seems unable to mirror and reciprocate. If I express a point of view, he plows on without acknowledging anything I just said. There's never a "that's interesting," or a "so, what you're saying is..." from him. Oppositional if I ask him to do something - he feels like I'm ordering him around when I simply need help in the house and rebels. He has a a weird way of running errands - he won't make one trip and get everything we need. He'll make several trips throughout the day, going out, coming home, going out again to get the next item. Drives me crazy. No attention to detail and this can be chaotic for me. Things fall, get broken, a dog gets out because he refuses to listen to me about training or keeping them safe. Chaos for me. I know he loves me, he tries to be very good to me, he's very generous, he works hard, he's loyal to me; I've just had to learn to live with the items you covered. One thing that's great about him: he does understand that my family is nuts, a bunch of narcissists, and that they treated me terribly. He totally gets that. I'm not sure I could explain my family to anyone else, and I'm not sure anyone else would believe it. My husband has actually seen and experienced it over the 30+ years we've been married. So, I guess I'm keeping him. But living with someone with Asperger's is quite challenging.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I imagine it’s difficult for your husband at times to have a neurotypical wife particularly one who has experience narcissistic abuse. You both are likely to struggle at times in the relationship because of different ways of thinking, feeling, and communicating.
This is exactly what I’m going through with my husband. I’m hurting! This brings tears to my eyes. I’m so frustrated. I DO love him. This is hard! Thank you for this video!
I understand your frustration! It's definitely difficult when you don't understand it! Please consider joining my free coaching group on Facebook - we learn and grow together there! facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
Dont listen to a RUclips video. Alot of this behavior is pretty common amongst lots of men. I find most men around me to behave in these ways sometimes. Sometimes more than others
@@lexiemaep7930 no one change anyone, even more if you want to make a autistic person behave like neurotypical, it would be a nightmare and this is definitely ableism.
I’ve been married with an undiagnosed man on the spectrum for 6 years and it is getting worse with each year. I cannot remember what I saw in him at the beginning anymore . I don’t know how to approach him with this topic without a meltdown and silent treatment.
The disconnection will continue to grow without intervention. Most couples don't have the tools to translate their communication, and don't have the framework to understand how to have a thriving neurodiverse relationship. Your difficulty remembering what you saw in him is a common response to growing disconnection, and it's a major warning for your relationship - your narrative about your husband is changing. You can book a consult with me: www.spectrumrelationships.com/initial-consult
I know your pain..I’ve been married for 45 years to a man with Asperger’s 😢.My life is very lonely and he never never has a desire to touch me or be intimate.. I am not allowed to talk about it… It’s a very hard road to go down . It’s like living with a stranger or a roommate…I am leaving because I can no longer sacrifice me anymore..As I have learned men with Asperger’s cannot change and that’s the way their brain is wired..We went to counseling 14 years ago and was told either I adopt to his way of thinking and sacrifice any emotional part of myself or leave the marriage..I thought I could reason but I’ve discovered I’ve wasted many years of my life unfortunately that I can never get back 😢…I regret not leaving many years ago 😢
The silent treatment is a killer to the marriage. I live that daily. A huge lack of companionship, affection, and compassion. They appear so stuck up its ridiculous. I'm sorry for your loneliness. It is very difficult. Married 38 years now, and I don't know how UT lasted besides that he is a very good and loyal man. Codependent to boot too!
It doesn't get better. In it 18 years at 66 and it is the most depressing experience of my life. Leave if you can before you are too old to set yourself free.
Hi Michelle. :) Yes, it's hard work, but it can also be very fulfilling, and rewarding with some education and insight! Would love to have you join my coaching group on FB if you're not already in there. The link is in the description.
Thank you for not quitting. Do you know how rare you likely are?! People of the type being discussed here, (I feel uncomfortable speaking of them with the "aspie" label), have seemed to gravitate to me throughout my life. I often found myself in situations acting as translator or peace keeper when they were about to be attacked by someone they unintentionally insulted, or fired in cases where I worked with them. Despite all of that, I couldn't imagine living in close quarters with them for any length of time, but I didn't too much mind getting up at 4am to rush to where they lived and spend 2+ hours helping one of those friends find her hair sticks, because she absolutely would not leave the house without them. 🙂
@@starstreamir3817 I think marriage with my autistic husband would be 100% better if we lived apart. Man, I would absolutely love that. But he can't keep a job and relies on me financially, and his world would be turned upside down were we to live apart. It really is tricky. But thank you for being such a wonderful advocate!
@@missvegan1967 trust me it’s tough as some weeks everything is a battle, last week my brother was in intensive Care with Covid and he just wouldn’t realise he needed to back off and give me head space, everything is his way or nothing. My saving grace is having another room to retreat and a God who listens.
My ex and I agreed to divorce (a long time ago) after 17 years. Hindsight and more awareness about autism now, makes me sure that he was on the autism spectrum but back when we were married neither of us knew anything about it. We were a pair! I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, as a very mature older woman! I didn’t know ADHD was a thing that happened to girls/women either! I am now sure I have struggled with it my whole life; it explains so much. Between my ex and I, it’s amazing we got together and lasted as a couple for as long as we did!
Hi Christine. Thank you for sharing your personal experience! It is SO common for women with ADHD to partner up with men who are autistic. I see this ALL the time. Many like both of you, though, have no idea about their neurodivergence. I'm glad you've got some clarity now!
Because you're both neuodivergent. Your brains work different from the rest and that's why you probably understand each other. There is also an overlap in symptoms of ADHD and autism, so there might be a few things which you both consider completely normal but others may not. And then there's intelligence. People with autism tend to be more on the extreme side of intelligence - so either really having difficulties with cognitive functions or being excellent in many areas. It's not uncommon at all to have ADHD or autism and being intellectually gifted (called 2e, twice exceptional). And it also not uncommon to have autism and ADHD at the same time. So these could be the reasons. I bet that, while you may struggle at times, you will also have a very deep bond with your partner allowing you to have very interesting conversations which other people just cannot provide.
I see a lot of women talking in the comment section about how they are having a hard time with autistic guys. I haven't been formally diagnosed, and don't want to be, but I'm 99% certain I have it due to the symptoms being fulfilled. But anyways, if you are living with an autistic guy it's very simple; just say what you mean and what you want exactly. Don't use any subtext, innuendo, hyperbole, and especially don't say the opposite of what you really mean or want. If you say something to me, then my default reaction is to take it as a statement that you believe to be true, and I will react accordingly. I won't take it literally if I think you're a liar, but if that's the case I don't want to deal with you at all because you are untrustworthy, and unpredictable. I think this tactic of saying things just to produce a desired effect is the verbal equivalent of a cattle prod. If you poke cattle with it, they will move in the direction you want, but if you poke a lion with it, something else will happen. If you choose to deal with lions rather than cattle, you have to use different methodology. But actually, it's really not hard to deal with an autist. Just say what you mean, and only that. Say what you want, and you will likely get it. You can't complain about something not being done if you never state clearly (not by implication) that you want it done. If you don't put something into words, then how can I know of it? If you say something other than what you mean, then how can I know what you really mean? If you're going to say "You have to take time to get to know me," then you need to behave in a predictable fashion which follows a pattern. I've observed that a lot of women like to say things to produce an affect, rather than to just say exactly what they mean. As I've studied history, and the world in general, I've come to the conclusion that this is the normal behavior for upwards of 50% of women. This is why Verdi included "La Donna Mobile" in the "Rigoletto" opera, where the song says "don't believe a woman whether she says yes or no." Even normal, functional guys who automatically process innuendo and subtext, find this behavior annoying, and have been complaining about it for thousands of years. For autists, who cannot process innuendo and subtext it's extremely annoying. Use precise language, say exactly what you mean, ask for what you want, and put everything clearly in words.
Hello, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on communication in a neurodiverse relationship. I agree that clear and concise communication is critical. However, it is important to note that many women (not just neurotypical) have been taught and conditioned to speak passively by male-dominated culture. For hundreds of years, women have been required to be quiet and polite, to suffer abuse without protest, and to keep their opinions to themselves. In current day, women are often described as "troublemakers," and "complainers," when they are assertive (as opposed to men being described as "leaders") and have been assigned verbally abusive labels (bitch or worse) when they communicate assertively. Moreover, many women who HAVE used clear, concise communication in autistic partnerships have been dismissed or ignored when autistic partners are unwilling to acknowledge requests, perspectives, and needs as valid because they cannot get beyond their OWN perspective (theory of mind). I'm glad you are looking into all of this in your pondering about being on the spectrum. I encourage you to consider the perspective of others (and all that you cannot possibly know) in getting clarity - ask women why they aren't clear and concise. Learn what they have to say to give yourself insight into your own relationship interactions. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.
@@JodiCarlton Thanks for responding directly to me. I wasn't expecting that, and actually my comment was directed at a lot of the people who were leaving comments below where they were speaking disdainfully of their husbands. I think the video is solid, and actually I shared it with my wife since posting because she was having some of these issues with me. I had a few difficult relationships before I finally got married, and some difficulties after getting married (though not as severe). Eventually my wife and I reached an understanding about communication, where she now just directly says what she wants, and I try to give random compliments and things even though it's not in my nature to do so. Things are pretty good between us. It looks like my kids are normal-ish, and didn't inherit my problem.
@@Procopius464 I totally agree with you about the comments and thanks for clarifying your perspective! Many people blame autism for communication challenges without reflecting on their own communication and how it might be contributing to the problem. I do agree with you that assertive, non-passive communication is necessary for clear interactions. Thanks, again, for contributing your thoughts - I always welcome and enjoy dialogue that adds greater understanding for all of us, myself included!
@@JodiCarlton It's funny, because this morning I was asking me wife about something she wanted and why she reacted a particular way, and she said "I shouldn't have to say everything." But it seems like I don't have much in the way of basic intuition when it comes to expected and/or preferred reactions. I do have to be told. My parents are both normal and high functioning people, but my mom never played any games. She always said whatever she wanted and talked clearly, so whenever I started getting into relationships with women I thought that was the normal baseline behavior. Turns out it was not, or at least not in the case of everyone I dealt with. I think your content is helping a lot of people. I sent this video to my wife and she watched the whole thing. A lot of people just think they're weird (which is true) and/or defective, but don't know why or what it's called, or that there are other people out there with the same exact issue.
Thank you!! It now makes sense!! My BF says all The time, you have to TELL me. It’s almost like he’s pleading with me 😩😩😩. I feel bad bc I’m a brat and want him to know what I want and to read my mind but that’s CLEARLY not happening here!! I have some growing in the communication area and I’m grateful to him for making it plain and easy to digest his needs. I just have to BELIEVE him and not add what I think he needs..😳! It’s going on 3 years and we have had some drug out heavy discussion 😅 but we are better afterwards bc we really want to learn each other at the end of the day! Thanks for sharing..! Wishing you all the best!
Hello and thanks for your comment. It is so important to find other ways to connect with people. Find a group with similar interests like a book Club, hiking group, coffee club….whatever works for you. Also, come on over to my private Facebook group (Neurodiverse Relationships with Jodi Carlton) where you can talk to others with similar experiences (including autistic men and women). It helps to know you aren't alone!
Same here.he was a serious workaholic and I wasn't able to see my loneliness was because he couldn't converse w me.very very lonely. But I always had girl friends to make up for it.
@@alcummins4035 My self esteem was shattered as I was raised by an abusive rage full father and a childish mother. My trauma wound with a mother was worse and kept me from trusting woman or always attracting narcissistic woman for friends as our the marriage progressed. I spent too much time with my daughter being the focus and object of my love. Being super sensitive doesn’t help 😐. Female friends are so important - kudos to you!
Well said, and so true! We ARE deeply emotional and deeply empathetic individuals, we just don’t always express it in ways that others might expect or understand. :)
Not boxing in...seeking to help NTs understand. Also, my clients haven't reported having "different" emotions...but rather a different (and rather limited) vocabulary for describing them. This results in confusion for both partners, and the appearance of a narrower range of emotion to an NT who will usually have a large vocabulary of "emotion" adjective.
@@JodiCarltonit's asynesthesia. You can very poorly understand your own emotions. And sometimes experience them at a very later time. Even basic things like hunger, thirst or going to the toilet get abnormally delayed by your brain
Thank you for your video,Jodi. My whole life has been lived in a masked state. The only way that I can function in the neurotypical world is by adopting what I describe as appropriate "roles". As an early teenager I was fortunate enough to have joined a drama school and the two wonderful ladies who ran it advised me to watch other people to gather clues about how so called "normal" people act. This has resulted in some very "bad behaviour" on occasion due to my wanting to fit in and be accepted by my contemporaries. I'm now nearly 70 and still struggle with the feeling that I will never be a proper, grownup, real person. Be well.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! Many neurodivergents really enjoy theater or acting classes for the same reasons you stated. I want you to know that you are a proper grown-up just being you - there are people who do not understand you because you aren't like them (and they expect you to be), but that doesn't make you any less of a real person! I know it isn't easy, but you be well knowing you are supposed to be you just as you are!
Even before I got married I was labeling things in my mom’s fridge. Afterwards she took the labels out. 😂 But I think my husband loves the labels and more recently I got some organizers from Target for our kitchen utensils because our house is really old and only has three drawers. I have been spending at least half of the summer organizing all of those. Now I got some fridge mats from Temu and put them on the left side and relabeled all the fridge. I am so proud of myself and my husband for keeping it organized. Even though our marriage can be hard because of our mental health issues, I think they can also compliment or supplement each other. God will put you with the right person. Keep praying and searching for the help you need. Bless you all dealing with such a hard thing. Continue learning. Knowledge is power.
I’m about to celebrate my one year anniversary. My husband and I have been through a handful of counselors already. I thought I was going crazy and felt like my husband just hated me or something. The other day I started researching Aspergers and it’s like a lightbulb has been turned on. I continued researching and I truly believe that my husband fits the category for Aspergers. There’d been a number of times that I shared something with him hurtful from my past and his response was to change the subject. Heartbreaking for me, but equally as confusing. He is unable to empathize and seemed so self focused. We had some people over one evening and the conversation was moving along without involvement from my husband. When he finally spoke up he started to talk about something we’d discussed about a half joe or so prior as if we were still talking about that topic. It was bizarre and confusing. Everyone is always telling me how much my husband loves me but what you described has been happening so I felt unloved and maybe even silently resented because of his inability to reciprocate empathy, and two way communication, or even just communication at that. I’m thinking back to so many things now that just make sense now. This really opens my eyes and heart to feel more patient and understand and not take his lack of, what I would think of appropriate involvement, so personal. I feel like this knowledge is going to save our marriage. I’d love to be able to talk to you or someone about this. I had no idea how to bring this up to my husband but I did and he was receptive and agreed with the signs. His brother has Aspergers as well. Is this genetic? I have so many questions. Thank you for this video. I have hope again.
Hi Charity. I'm glad this video was helpful to you and maybe it's providing some answers - I'd like to personally invite you to my free coaching group on Facebook: facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
No...had to end my 20 years of turning over and going to sleep because we could not have adult discussions. It never changes and you will find yourself changing everything about yourself to fit what he needs. 20 years later you won't even recognize yourself.
@Linda Lowther - it’s because you are very frustrated because deep inside you know he will never get better and you will always feel alone and misunderstood.
You have been fortunate to have found the reason for the problems you are having early. I've been married for well over 30 years before I had any idea my husband has AS. My daughter who is a school teacher finally made the connection and it has helped knowing as you don't take things as personally but both the kids and I have felt unloved and hurt by his behaviour.
It's almost relieving to hear these videos. I've brought this up to my husband and after processing he's agreed to watch a video. I literally saw him processing what he was watching. So in order for this marriage to continue I told him I needed him to go get assesed. He told me to go get the divorce papers he'll sign them. Super hard to hear since we do love each. I just can't continue to stay in this emotionally unhealthy environment 💔
I'm curious what he think getting assess would mean? You might share with him that when I evaluate a couple, you are BOTH assessed. The focus on how you are different from one another versus how either of you is different from the rest of the world. I'd love to help you.
It is difficult for someone on the spectrum to hear from someone (like a wife) that there is something terribly wrong with him. He's been himself his entire life. Go to a support group for yourself to learn about it first. The best is if he can go to a group for ASD, so he can hear the common themes. If. in group, he does recognize his deficit, he will want to improve his life (even if it is for selfish reasons first) . If he has a heart, he will want to include your marriage in the improvements. If not, tell him to go get the divorce papers, since he doesn't want to work on the marriage and you do. If he doesn't get the papers, go on with your life as if you're not married.
Yes, I asked mine to continue counseling and he didn't want to work on the communication and social parts of our marriage so I left after 17 years of us functioning independently with no relationship time. I'm at peace with the decision.
My son (3 years old) has been "different" from birth. He has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's which led me down the rabbit trail of research so that I can be helpful to him. In the process of that, I'm thinking, "This all sounds just like my husband. Hmm...". Now I am convinced that he was created neurodiverse. I'm very attracted to the fact that he has a strong frame of mind. He is very concrete, protective and direct. On the other hand, that narrowness of an emotional range, obsessive tendencies, difficulty connecting has been hard on our marriage. I want to be helpful to him. I also want to stop being hurt by reactions that I don't understand.
Even if you understand why your ASD husband is callous or indifferent, it will not replace your needs. That is the elephant in the room that the therapist seems to avoid addressing. There is an element of grieving in knowing that your husband will never be able to use intuition from the heart.
I had that with a partner. He was very unresponsive when I had been sick for 3 days with pneumonia. He wanted to know why I wasn't doing any housework why I wasn't making meals why the house was not clean when I was so sick. And when I told him I was sick and try to explain this he just could not see how that was justifiable and not doing my daily chores. Needless to say after five years of this also with no sex and lack of affection and communication, I moved out one day when he was at work. Ended up getting my own place I never look back there's so many instances where he could have tried to understand us but chose not to so I felt the best course from they was to leave
While my husband was driving me to hospital one Sunday night with a searing case of UTI, he got huffy when I missed seeing the turn-off into the hospital, then sat and read his phone beside me the whole time while I was weeping in agony ..... Wishing you much peace and contentment in your new life Jaja Sang xo
Jaja - Is almost unbelievable that they can’t understand something that a 7 year old perfectly understands. When they are sick and can’t do their chores, is because they think they are special? I’m happy you moved on. He was an aspergers with a frosting of narcissism
😂 I love the toxic neurotypical traits being excused as "human," while healthy communication and being asked to take an autistic partner's needs into account is seen as "alien."
Hi Sarah. I think perhaps you’ve misunderstood my message here so I’d like to clarify. It is my autistic clients who have self identified as feeling alien - not me describing them as alien. Many autistic individuals have told me they feel like a human being in the world that’s not their kind of human. They describe feeling like an outsider in their own skin. Also, toxic traits are destructive no matter your neurotype. Both autistic and non-autistic individuals can be toxic and damage relationships. I’ve worked with many autistic people who are being abused in relationships. This channel, and my entire career, is dedicated to helping us all understand each other better by first understanding ourselves No person, neurotype, personality, etc. is better or worse than the next.
@@JodiCarltonI’m sorry that I wasn’t clear. We feel like aliens because we are seen as weird for such things as being honest, believing that “mind reading” is not useful as a communication strategy, and not understanding the importance of recognizing that “how are you,” and “we should get together sometime” both pretty much mean “I don’t want to talk to you.” If autistic children could be raised seeing these as cultural differences rather than being shamed for healthy communication, we would all be better off.
Thanks for sharing more of your perspective. I agree that we have to do a better job of teaching all the different parts of communication that affect the actual meaning of the words.
Please do a video about how to recognize the difference in Asperger's and covert narcissism or if someone has BOTH. My husband was diagnosed with Asperger's and although these 5 traits you talk about are difficult, it is narcissistic traits that make me feel hopeless. Thanks for your expertise. Very helpful!
@@umerjavednisar It is their fault if they know for certain they have a neurological deficit, such as ASD, and not find out how it effects the majority (especially their loved ones), who are NT.
@@icvideos1621 I don't see why neurodiverse people have to always be accommodating to nts? Asd can simply be a neurotype, not even a disorder. I'm assuming that you meant that a nd person should simply try their best to get help so that they can be kind and respectful towards any and all people around them, if that is what you meant, then I agree with you
Rp Mcmurphy that’s what I was wondering. He had these symptoms but I still think there’s some narcissism in there. Just because of how he acted towards me. Purposely mean, and always trying to gain control.
Big difference between an ASD and a narc is ASD seek connection but fail. They want it and cant have it usually. Narcs dont seek connection, why connect with someone beneath you? They only seek supply (attention/worship). An ASD will hurt you out of ignorance. A narc will hurt you for his own pleasure and to keep your self esteem low so he can manipulate you. Therein lie the critical differences.
These comments are eye opening for me as a very late diagnosed woman. I gave up almost 30 yrs ago of having relationships as I knew I wasn't good at them. My previous partners mothers would comment and disparage my behaviors to their sons. I had no idea what they meant when telling me i needed to take care of them. Beyond my comprehension and capabilities. I didn't even know what i was missing. Im now with someone like myself and never happier.
I’m so glad you found your person and happiness! Boyfriend’s moms who think you should take care of their sons are considerably dysfunctional though so I’d say you likely dodged a disaster!
@@JodiCarlton thank you. So true! One thing to note coming from an ASD woman. The feelings inside of us rarely show on the outside. I recommend to your subscribers to look at Neurodiverse love languages. They are quite different than NT. Parallel play, penguin pebbling, info dumping. And the best and most treasured for myself to receive is truth. My current partner is truthful and that stunning truthfulness was breathtaking living amongst NTs.
Thank you and yes I need to do a video about ND love language. I recorded a video in 2016 about "How to Know if Someone with Autism Loves You," before these ND love languages were coined, and interestingly, it very much correlates with these. It's great that we're beginning to understand our different brains and ways loving so much more.
My issue with my suspected ASD boyfriend is how he dominates conversation. He's had a new job opportunity reecently (his dream job) and although I am so insanely proud of him and happy for him, I have been absolutely bombarded with the subject. In a 4 hour conversation, I am not exaggerating, I get maybe 40 seconds to talk about myself/my day.
Hello and yes this could be a neurodivergent trait called perseveration. It’s like getting a jingle stuck in your head. The brain gets stuck on a topic and stays there. Oftentimes an individual has no awareness of the passage of time and no intent to dominate or control the conversation. It’s important to be direct and tell him how proud you are but that you’d like to switch topics for a bit.
Thats about what it takes with me and mine. I do t even realize I'm doing anything wrong. It caused a few problems until i figured out what it was I was doing. Now that iv had time to work it out I know what patterns to look for. I still do it sometimes but not nearly a much and when I do neither of us gets mad over it
You should tell him that it is too much, as it is happening. I have seen my daughter do this with her aspie husband. When discussing this with them both my son-in-law sais he feels obliged to continue talking until someone either stops him or diverts the conversation to another topic.
Hello again. I will be releasing my first book about neurodivergent relationships in 2023 and am interested in including your quote about the content in this video. Your username or identity will not be published. Please contact us at gethelp@jodicarlton.com to authorize the use of your comment. Please include your username and the above comment in the email. Thank you!
I've been married for 33 years. I've always known my husband marches to his own beat, but it's only in the last year or so that it hit me he may be on the spectrum. I've done some reading on the subject, and just watched your video and found myself nodding along to nearly everything you touched upon. While we have a good relationship, it is rather lonely most of the time. It helps having an answer to his sometimes bizarre and confusing behavior, but also despair in knowing there isn't a thing I can do about it.
Hello! I'm glad you've discovered my channel, and a possible answer about your marriage. You can't change the neurodiversity, itself, but the framework is huge, and can make a big difference in the meaning of things. It can help to reduce misunderstandings and miscommunication. Learn as much as you can!
@@JodiCarlton thank you. I feel like I've just scratched the surface of this though. And since the epiphany of this, I have attempted to react to him differently, with a more mindful purpose, but it can be difficult. He also had a major health issue this year, and while he recovered well, he was nearly ruthless in his therapy and so driven to overcome. I had to rein him back sometimes, reminding him that Rome wasn't built in a day (which of course he didn't relate to very well). But as I get older, his meltdowns are harder for me to handle. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him as he gets triggered easily these days. I want to set up an appointment with you sometime, just for me.
How is it going? I have felt alone in a relationship with someone I didn't know was autistic and I am wondering if it's ever possible to feel emotional connection with them or are they not capable?@@rocksolidimages70
Also ponder this you go through life feeling everything. Yet you are constantly told that everything you feel is wrong. So you only show the emotions that don’t get you reprimanded
Asperger here and I'm ok with breaking routine but what kills me is the lack of planning and anticipating all possible outcomes and be ready for them. Sensory collisions are a real thing, and get worst with stress, exhaustion, etc. Also, my chaos is organized. Understand that. It's very rigid and every pile has a purpose not to be messed with. Linear thinking is also what defines us. I feel bad that I submitted my wife and family to this. I didn't know I was different until almost a decade into our marriage and it explains so much... If only I had known before...
Thanks for sharing your experience! Wouldn't we all love to know what we didn't know about so many things! You know now...so keep learning and growing!
Finally! Finally we have started taking into the consideration that not all men and women work the same. Many of us are weird enough to have lots of trouble in our lives but we are successful enough that the medical community sighs in relief that they don't have to work with us. Since I got aware of what and where to look I realized way more people are having autism, ADHD, narcissism, etc.
Is it just me, or does it seem as if the number of people on the spectrum/or high IQs have increased tenfold since the days of Einstein, Mozart, Tesla, Van Gogh, etc.?
THANK YOU! Everything makes so much more sense now. I have learned how to deal with my husband's "unique behaviors" (aka everything you just mention). And never really thought more of it. Now I can understand him more, and help him, myself and our relationship. Thank you. ❤
I'm 100% convinced that I have the formerly named Aspergers variety of Autism. I had to figure this out pretty much on my own at close to age 50, with the help of RUclips's very repetitive suggestions. After finally learning what makes my brain work differently, I am also 98% convinced that my husband has a similar but yet different set of Autistic traits. The special focus interests, the rigid and somewhat black-and-white thinking patterns, the self-focused line of thought, the difference in language processing, the tantrums that are probably better described as autistic meltdowns, the oddball sense of humor that I can relate to at almost every moment... He's extremely intelligent and quite articulate most of the time, and he's often misunderstood by others who haven't yet considered that there may be autism involved. We both show symptoms of chronic PTSD as well (thanks again to RUclips's persistent suggested video topics for revealing this condition). Plus, knowing that autism is hereditary, while hearing stories about his father, whom I barely knew before he passed away, I can see that the proverbial "nut" didn't fall far from that tree. I do hope he will get interested enough about this neurodevelopmental condition that has impacted my entire life so that he might recognize which descriptions resonate with him... or at least those that he would recognize in his father.
I'm so glad that you are getting clarity from the wealth of information that is now available online! I hope your husband has a desire to learn, as well. The framework is SO helpful in understanding how we're all different from one another - it bridges the gap for connection.
@JodiCarlton He does have a thirst for knowledge and for learning how things work (that's a trait, too), but first, he must get interested enough to seek it out. With intent to spark his curiosity, I frequently speak enthusiastically-- "I learned [this-and-that] about how my brain works differently!" "[Such-and-so habit, routine, etc] seems like I would benefit from trying it. So, I started trying to [practice skills and survival techniques], and I notice it's getting easier to [remember stuff, come back from dysregulation sooner, etc.]" He did recently mention watching a video about a woman with autism who has hyper-receptive hearing that sometimes feels painful. (Yep, I do too!) And he said he hadn't realized how much discomfort and/or pain that happens to some of us who can feel sound. I had him place his hand on the speaker when he was playing some music so he could feel the impact of sudden sound vibrations -- the thump of a bass drum, the "power chord" of the lead guitarist, and such -- and I asked, "Can you imagine constantly feeling that in your head for ordinary everyday sounds all day long without letup?" I think he understood why I often ask to turn the volume down. I realize I will have to keep reminding him from time to time, especially in confined spaces (in the car, inside the house). And now, he shows more understanding when I mention it. 🤗
First off, thank you for validating the experiences of our partners, because I know I can be an intense or difficult to read person for my longterm girlfriend. I know she gets hit by the sharp corners that you're walking through here. On emotional experience, I have different way of describing my emotional experience (and have recently gained a much better toolbox of words to help me describe it). I don't actually disagree with any part of your core concept of emotions often feeling to others like they might be in a very narrow range, but I self-describe this in my own head as "having a much wider emotional range". I think of it kind of like a color gradient and the wider that gradient is means it takes a lot longer for me to feel any "change of color". Or using some of the new words I have 😂the experience of alexithymia may mean that I'm not experiencing my own gradual changes of emotions very well and it's not until that emotion may be much stronger than expected that is "suddenly" bubbles up. And this can be any emotion positive or negative, once I start laughing I am also almost always at the point of crying laughing, grief or sadness isn't super apparent to me until I'm just crying, I don't really feel much anger until I also feel adrenaline kick things up a notch. But from an external point of view I'm certain that I do seem to be rather unemotional or a very limited range of much smaller emotions unless a much bigger feeling comes out. again, thank you for brining more awareness to this, thank you for centering that our partners emotions are valid.
These are great signs. I run a autism and marriage life coaching business. Me and my husband just started our channel documenting our marriage and becoming first time parents with him having autism and me having lupus.
I would be very careful if you want children because you can pass it on to your children as well so I decided not to have a kid because I don't want them to have it.
Hi there. This video addresses some of the challenges that can arise in neurodiverse relationships. If we talked about challenges in typical relationships, it would also sound like there is nothing good that can come out of those. I didn't discuss the upsides in this particular video. There are many! Listen to my podcast interviews (there's a playlist here on my YT channel) for more about both upsides and downsides. :)
For most neurotypical women yes, its a quite negative experience. But i have love inside me as a person. But if I can't convey it the way women want and satisfy all their needs what's the point. Also i wouldn't risk my kids having the same genetic struggles in life. It's better to die alone... .
1) They seem to be speaking an entirely different language. 2) If they shut you down - shut you out . They can’t handle differing opinions. 3) Getting the sense that your partner is a emotional brick wall. Limited emotional range. 4) You feel unsupported and they don’t intuitively understand when you need extra help- They don’t understand you have needs. Results in you feeling unloved and unappreciated. For instance when you are ill- not understand your need to rest and not keep up all the normal duties you do. 5) Getting upset when their routine is messed with - but having no problem with disrupting yours. ( cute, huh?) They may have “meltdowns. “ Little empathy ( also cute;) 6) They seem like they are from another planet. ( somewhat cute;)
I told my husband I need to be asked to go do things in the weekend. His response "We do everything together..." As in laundry etc. I gave him examples and now he asks me to do those 5 things. I am not sure he is ASD. But I suspect
Definitely speaking different languages. I watch for the acts of service to figure out if he still loves me. lol. For example, we had discussed weeks prior that he would need to use the tractor to move something for me for my horses. We had been fighting, he had stormed off and wasn’t speaking to me for the day. I saw him start the tractor, and I said to myself, “if he comes over and moves that thing, it means something”. He did exactly that. When he does little tasks like that on my behalf, it means he loves me. Definitely the most difficult relationship, particularly since he’s such a great man otherwise and I can’t just write him off.
Yes! This is my spouse. For all the counseling we do, he just doesn't seem able to empathize or socialize with people, even in a basic way. My son and I can have a great day, my spouse comes home and it's like an alien is in the room with us. He also often doesn't make eye contact and doesn't always respond when someone is talking to him, even from a few feet away.
Unfortunately, most traditional counselors don't understand how to help couples in neurodiverse relationships - they just aren't trained. I know because I am one (!) and I didn't have the training. I hope you'll join us in my free Facebook coaching group. The link is in the description of this video.
My husband is from another planet, and so am I. Unfortunately it’s not the same planet. Autistic people can come from many different planets, and they don’t always speak the same language. Something adds up, and something don’t. It’s often tremendously hard, but splitting up would be harder for both if us.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's all about learning how to translate as much as possible. I have really good friends who speak different native languages (Japanese and German), but they speak English to each other even though it's a second language for them both. Neurodivergence is like that.
My husband has Aspergers and this describes him very well. Recently we found out there could be a severe reaction in the partner living with a person with Aspergers, that is similar to PTSD and is called OTRS (Ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome) I do suffer by OTRS.
I've been going through it for years. Pretty early on a therapist trained in working with AS/NT couples called it. It was a huge relief to get that validation.
I cried watching this video, 10 years with my husband... My life has turned upside-down... my beautiful organized & clean home has been thrashed in every way because he is so incapable of finishing a task and being aware of how many steps go into things... I FeeL drained and wore out... plus trying to raise kids with him... I am literally living my worse nightmares... The exact opposite of the family & home I wanted to create...
As someone with autism, I struggle not with experiencing emotions, but with expressing them. Emotions are intricate and layered, making it challenging to convey them in just a few words. While neurotypical individuals can describe feelings verbally, those of us on the spectrum find it time-consuming to unpack emotions into words. Instead, we rely on body language and tone for communication. Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstandings, even in romantic relationships. To overcome this, I now focus on actions first and explain afterward, avoiding lengthy pre-explanations. This approach helps me be more efficient and effective.
I have Asperger syndrome. And indeed since I was young I was saying that I'm from another planet. It's very heavy and difficult to analyze in a few seconds, while having a conversation, what the "normal" person is saying and what he or she means in their thinking. In October 2020 my marriage of 23 years ended in divorce. Largely because of my autism. She filed for the divorce. I still can't get used to it. We have three children who still live with her and I sit here like on a desert island, which is my apartment. What I don't think is fair is that people have more empathy for someone with a physical disability than for people like us. Because a physical disability immediately catches the eye. While I am sometimes seen as an annoying person because I sometimes misjudge or misunderstand things. Or indeed speaks a different language. Kind regards.
I've been learning about Autism, and I think my husband has Asperger's, and maybe my dad too (age 84). I've always thought of my husband as different, and tried to accept it - he's a good guy and I love him dearly, but learning about Autism has helped me - understand how he sees things, and not feel hurt or upset, and also see how it's a struggle for him, and how he could easily misunderstand and be misunderstood by other people. I still am trying to learn more, and especially from the perspective of the autistic people. I think my dad too has autism, and even though i wasn't angry at him, but again learning about autism helped me see things better. I tried to explain autism to my mom but she didn't seem to understand. I know her marriage wasn't easy, but it saddens me that she thinks he doesn't care about her. I know you're already divorced, but wondering if your ex and your daughters could understand better if they got some good info about autism/asperger's - not only from the neurotypical side, but also from the autistic partner (I found a youtube channel with a couple (one with asperger and the other is neurotypical), and I like their videos though i haven't been able to watch many yet). I can relate to being misunderstood and misjudged because of an invisible illness (I struggle with invisible physical illness, even doctors don't help) and it hurts so much and feels unfair. I hope some things get better for you. I truly wish you the best.
@@ansamgroshong Thanks for the nice answer. Unfortunately, my wife never made any effort to do a little more research on autism. She didn't care. I was just an annoying person in her eyes. Kind regards. Pierre-Paul.
Hello! We have a private coaching FB group that answers questions, offers support for NT and ND partners, and offers information about additional support. You can find us at facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship We'd love to help however we can.
Hello, if you would like additional support, Spectrum Relationships has a private support FB page where you can ask questions and get additional information. We'd love to have you. facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
This vid is probably very good for normal people, but for me being on the spectrum I feel sad being described as a handicapped person. Yes I feel and think differently but I am highly aware (masking) about that most of the people around me are the normal ones and I better behave so they keep being happy otherwise I‘ll get punished in one or another way. Welcome to world of autism.
I've never felt more seen. Married 16 years to a man on the spectrum who was only recently screened (still not diagnosed). SoOo many years wasted on painful misunderstandings...
I'm confused. I've been working with a psychologist, and my cousin is also a psychologist. Both think that my partner is on the spectrum, but I cannot broach this with him without him feeling like I am blaming him for our communication issues (something he firmly believes is my fault). From my understanding, this will mean that it is entirely up to me to shift my life and behaviour in line with his. It is already so incredibly exhausting to try and accommodate his needs and I feel like my needs are rarely met because of this.
Hi Samantha. So many partners have similar thoughts as you but I do not believe it’s on you to shift and change your entire life to accommodate him. Not at all. Yes it is critical to learn about his behaviors from within the neurodiverse framework but there are ways to approach and discuss this with him that was likely to feel blaming and confrontational. Please watch my other videos and listen to the podcast playlist for more advice about this.
Oddly, I've had failed relationships over my "difficulty" coming up with the right responses to people, or being able to block bad actors in my social circle. I'm currently in a relationship with someone else on the spectrum and surprisingly, neither of us feels lonely about the other but we felt lonely around the ex's and our ex's felt lonely around us. We acknowledge there are times when one of us is working too hard or being able to disconnect from our perseverations but we feel confident and assured about the support we have for one another. Others tend to drop body language signals to communicate and expect it to have the same certainty and validity as spelling it out. We never have problems communicating but then again, we don't use vague channels either. The feeling about NT communication is that it's very vague,/ambiguous or hinted at and it feels like a game we don't have all the rules for. I sometimes think I understand and I'm lead on into thinking I do by others unlike us but it feels very dishonest and betraying of trust. So if trust doesn't seem ready or appear ready, that's a signal we usually refuse to send.
Hi John. I’m so glad you shared your perspective. The vague aspect of body language is certainly a frustration for most autistic individuals like yourself. It’s true that neurotypicals often struggle with the vague cues, as well, particularly if verbal communication is not concise. Nonverbal language exists, though, as a shortcut in communicating quickly and efficiently much in the same way that animals use their bodies to communicate. As humans we have the ability to further clarify using verbal language. Although being assertive and concise is certainly beneficial in many circumstances, it can also be problematic. The same is true for passive, vague communication. The problem lies at the extremes when an individual doesn’t know when and where it is most beneficial to be assertive or passive and uses the same style in most situations. Some people are fearful of being assertive due to backgrounds of being punished or minimized. I’m glad you’ve found a partner that is more aligned with you (and you her)! That is truly what we all need to seek in relationships - someone who fits us - instead of trying to make someone more like us.
@JodiCarlton Thank you for that set of insights. There could be more body language we use than we are even aware of. I guess the one take away is to temper expectations for directness with understanding a person's background which seems fair given how often we also "shutdown". It may seem all ir nothing but halfway is one alternative to check our comcern. Believe me, we often do but have difficulty getting aware of and responding with it using a similar "channel". That's a skill we need some leniency with and one we can megatiate a little ir counter provide. We tend towards fairness. Although ti be more fair here.l, I did mention we never have communication issues but that is an approximation of course. We have "some" level of difficulty but it's also an easier issue to resolve is what I should clarify there. There are also plenty of times that I "feel"/intuit that NTs do a very good job communicating to us and we try to reciprocate.
All I can say right now is thank you.... because this answers so many of my questions and helps to solidify a diagnosis that I thought may have been wrongly concluded but I believe that it is most likely autism. I wish these things had been explained to me a long time ago. Awesome video ♥️
Dear Jodi, many many thanks for your video! You really address the core subject of our interaction in a most brilliant and absolutely adequate way. I can relate to everything you say, because you really hit the spot: everything you say I see completely the same way. I live with someone who is, let's say, on the other side of the spectrum. We're together since 28 years, about 10 years ago I suggested getting married and we did. On a daily basis, we work on our relationship, to comprehend the other, and if not get closer to each other, than at least stay very close. Everything you say makes so much sense to me. One of us is on the spectrum, the other so-called "neurotypical". Everything you say perfectly fits with my experiences and you describe it better than I ever could: many many thanks, also for reassuring me. The only thing that somehow troubles me, is the fact, that everything you describe about my partner fits, but she's the so called neurotypical, and me, I'm the freak, who's point of view you perfectly described with your own word so much better than I ever could! .... (aiming at) describing my position, ... spot-on, ... intending to describe my partner's position, ... and I very much guess: you perfectly hit both extremely accurate in a strike, probably unaware, unintentionally, but never the less profound. Yes, I'm the "freak", but I so much could very profound and emotionally could relate to all you said, I really almost don't believe it: I am at the time very much puzzled and thankful for you opening my eyes! Dear Jodi, thank you very much for sharing! I think from now on, I'll approach my partner with a different view, or I'll least hope so. Please keep up your good work, looking forward to your next post, love, your's Charles
Charles, I'm really glad this was helpful to you! I want to emphasize, though, that you are NOT a freak. No one with autism is a freak. You are simply wired you're own way due to your genetic make-up and neurology. There are many, many others like you. Come on over and join my free coaching group on Facebook. There are other men and women with autism in there who are in on the conversation. The link is in the description of this video.
Im a young woman in the spectrum and I dated a guy on the specrtum. I didnt find him very sensitive or understanding and we didnt last long. Ive had better luck with nero typicals.
Thanks for your comment. I've found that AS/AS relationships are not always successful as you've experienced. My own daughter, who is AS, prefers NT friendships.
when an Aspergers person will talk to you and ramble on about their fav topic ad nauseum, but then can't or won't even reciprocate your text message with even a simple " OK "- that's frustrating!
Yes, it is frustrating for individuals who value and crave 2-way conversation! The rambling is often an outsourcing of thought to anyone who is around to listen versus a conversational exchange. It's uni-directional (conveying thought to others versus receiving responses). So many autistic individuals don't recognize when a reply is desired or warranted because their conversational style is more 1-way. I encourage you to ask for a response that to a specific question. Make sure you are be clear about what you want to know. Vague statements that are not questions will not be interpreted as needing a response.
I'm autistic and my ex wife would punish anything that was remotely autistic. She would pour boiling water on, she also used to mess with my medication. Yes what you're saying is correct about autism, but we don't deserve to be treated like a lesser person.
@@keylanoslokj1806 funny you say that, she was an RN. When she messed with my medication she would often use slip on benzodiazopines she stole from work. I have been dealing with health issues for about 3 years from her messing with my medication. I have cPTSD and serious memory issues, additionally, whatever she was messing with also has sterilize me. I had a dream of having a family one day, that has been completely stolen from me.
I'm sure in her head she was a victim and justified because of her feelings. I wish you a prosperous next chapter in your life as a free agent. In the long run you will be better off released from carrying that dead weight.
I can relate so much to shutting down in uncomfortable situations with my wife. Even after time to process, I have to force myself to talk for love of my wife.
My husband is exactly what you describe . I’m amazed at myself for having put up with his behaviour , although it isn’t always that bad and he does appreciate everything I do which is pretty much everything to do with the running of a household . He is a hard worker though and has supported us financially . I know he loves me and I do feel loved but his communication & social skills are very limited . His relationship with our two children is quite basic . I’ve done all the hard work with the kids and proud how they turned out but I must admit it’s been a frustrating road .
Hi Dora. I hear and understand your frustration and I want to clarify that these traits are not behaviors but actual differences in how the brain processes interpersonal interactions, language, and communication. Its helpful to understand it as how he’s wired versus how he’s behaving. Thanks for your comment!
People In these comments keep confusing their narcissistic spouse with being autistic. The difference is them either having empathy or not. Communication issues are not the same as your spouse lacking empathy. If someone lacks empathy they’re considered dangerous. I’m an aspie and I’m driven by empathy. We do not act indefferent in a relationship unless we have a wall up because someone is taking advantage of us. That or we have to be completely clueless but if you explain what you want from us we have no issue giving it to you.
I agree. It is a common source of confusion. Sometimes mind blindness can feel like gaslighting and lack of empathy. The difference is in the intent. Autistics don’t intentionally manipulate or withhold empathy to control or disempower whereas narcissists do. It’s such a confusing thing for so many people, I have an entire webinar course with a quiz to help people learn the difference and to identify if their partner is narcissistic or autistic.
I'm 35 and was finally diagnosed with aspergers aver years of being misdiagnosed. After numerous relationships and a failed marriage I've gotten to the point where I've decided to be single from now on. It's too exhausting dealing with women and relationships. For a lot of the reasons you've stated. I don't understand how people need a "person" around all the time when being alone is so much better. I'm not saying I don't like to be social but I MUCH prefer to be alone. You can't have a relationship like that. Women want you around all the time but also get upset because of me being me lol can't win. I still have casual relationships, but I have to be upfront and tell them that it will not be a long term thing. So far, so good I guess.
Hi Mike and thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like the women you've dated had preferences and desires that didn't match yours. Many women prefer less time together and enjoy their own alone time. I understand how exhausted you are, though, because it's hard to find someone who DOES align. You're definitely not alone in that. There's nothing wrong with preferring time alone.
I believe that there are many "someones" out there honestly. I'm just not going to go look. If it happens, that's dope, but I don't want it so bad that I go searching. It's just not that important. And if I other urges other than companionship, luckily my generation is very well versed and accepting of extremely casual lol but hopefully you've found someone who fits your needs as well. @@wudgee
Wow,you describe my last BF. He was like: I am not doing long term,this is temporary,sex,fun,done. I was OK with that as I got out of divorce,but pretty much immediately figured it out he was on the spectrum and probably would never have something long-term. We had some fun,but I wrapped it up very quickly as I knew emotional attachment was coming (was there already),and he simply wasn't capable or willing to deal with it.
Hi Hal. Thank you very much for sharing. Everyone is different, of course, and I've met met quite a few individuals on the autism spectrum who experience emotional extremes - but the vast majority of them have experienced a much narrower range of emotion.
Jodi Carlton alexthimeia, lack of or different affect, and inappropriate behavioral/ emotional pairings does not equate to a lack of range but an inaccurate/subjective external perspective. “Due to different languages”
@@HAL-mu4ey Hey, I wanted to let you know I have a new group on FB for folks in spectrum relationships. I would love for you to join us! facebook.com/groups/368373463920720/
@@HAL-mu4ey hey, first want to say I'm glad you joined us in the FB group - your contributions there have been great! :). Alexithymia is a difficulty in having the words to describe or label emotions or feelings (like you said "different languages.") It's interesting to me that neurotypicals seem emotionless to you - I've never actually had anyone with autism express that to me (out of hundreds). I'd like to hear more about that! Always curious to learn more. Please share with us in the group.
I feel like I don't deserve to be loved by anyone as someone who is autistic. I feel like my presence alone is unwanted 😔 I can't find the affection that people deserve
Everyone deserves to be loved. Autism is no reason not to be loved. People don’t always understand autistic individuals so it creates confusion for everyone. Love is also not defined the same be everyone. Don’t give up.
I wish you the best, I’d say just be open and honest with whom you’re dating. If my partner was to tell me that they even wish they could understand my heart would soften even in moments of me feeling alone… Best of luck ❤
One day early on in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I expressed to him calmly but tearfully the wall that I felt I was facing between he and I within our relationship. He got up from the dining table, calmly, gathered his dinner plate and slowly paced over to the other side of the table where I was sitting, looked down at me with a blank look on his face, and said to me “this can’t happen again“. Then very robotically, he continued to walk away and put his dishes into the kitchen sink. Then he left the room and walked right by me. I can’t even describe the chills that went down my spine. I was caught between disbelief and wanting to run for my life.
So three months ago I had a massive depressive episode along with a relationship breakup where I hadn’t noticed I had basically not been 100% attentive to my lovely fiancée also I hadn’t addressed a financial issue with her properly…. I have a “quirky” yet fun way… I have always tested as an INTP-A / enneagram 5w4/6… I have been to my doctors and am being tested/reviewed for Cyclothymia and High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s… Suddenly this week I have accepted that yes I have always felt different and yes I go into regular hypermanic states and depression and but that I may also have ASD traits… This video has started me looking at what usually kills my relationships.. This is a very interesting and informative video can’t wait to watch your other content
I'm autist. Being an autist is like being a foreigner in a strange country. It's like living in an environment which is entirely weird to me, being around weird people, even my own family, and I will never get completely used to it, even after a lifetime. And I'm just as weird to them. Being married to an autist is like being married to a foreigner who grew up in an entirely different culture and language.
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective! This aligns with how other autists have described to me feeling like aliens that look like humans but are a different species from a different planet. We all need to learn to acknowledge our differences and to work to understand each other (instead of making one more like the other).
I am in my 40th year of marriage with an Asperger’s man. He was diagnosed 3 years ago. It really helped me to forgive him for our past because I now understand that he couldn’t help most of the things he has done. It is so very hard being married to an Asperger’s person. Our life was not normal nor was it fun. He was very inappropriate most of the time. I love him very much but phew this is a hard lonely life.
I'm male that was in a relationship with a woman that "fits the description" but was never formally diagnosed. She checks all the boxes and it was a nightmare of a relationship. Going into it I thought she was a sweet shy woman but after spending a couple years and many events and happenings later I'm sure she's on the spectrum. It's to the point that if I meet a woman and I see any signs or know she's on the spectrum I will never move forward with that relationship. It sounds harsh but I've seen and read so many material on this subject and the traits are so consistent such that I'm confident if I meet another woman on the spectrum I'll run into the same issues again.
You haven't experienced true loneliness. Loneliness that would make even demons cry. You are just dramatising his short comings and your imperfect empathy
There is a real truth. Thank you. It would be a disservice not to tell people to avoid NAT-NT marriages. They are lonely and rarely work out. You are right. it is extremely lonely, no matter what anyone would like to have us believe. There are common deficits in NATs and that is why they can be recognized and diagnosed! It is a real thing.
Thank you dr Carlton. Same here. Only my husband is getting more and more with aggressive response with age and his health deteriorates (eyes, allergy, sensitivity, digestion) but he refuses to admit his asperger syndrom as was stated by our therapist. He admits asd from time to time when he is in deep meltdown and verbak abusive, then regrets, then reads some articles, admits, but when we are on a “normal circle” he starts to mask again. “I am actually normal”. His masking was so good because I was able to back him in social and family life until I was exhausted at age of 45 and thought something is wrong. Isolated in a foreign country (his), no family or close friends, interrupted career, having on my shoulders the house and children and schools took me to a deep burnout. Trying now to figure out what to do with his masking, his honesty, goodness, black and white, abusive reactions etc etc
Hello. I hear the exhaustion in your words and I have a few brief thoughts for you. I first want to emphasize that you need to take care of yourself and stop taking care of him at your own expense. Spend some time figuring out how to replenish yourself and love yourself. It's not as important that he accepts a diagnosis - you can know it without him having to "admit" it. Ultimately you want your life to improve (if you can get that without him admitting the diagnosis, that's what you want to focus on). Look at individual behaviors and determine which ones are the priority to address (safety risks, financial risks, etc.) and which ones you can let go - they may still be annoying. His abusive reactions may be due to overwhelm and and an inability to know what or how to handle situations. Learn when to approach him with a difficult topic (if he's overloaded, you'll get a meltdown 100% of the time, so why approach him whe he's overloaded?). Walk away when he's melting down - leave him to get his emotions back under control. He's going to mask - we all mask and it's important that we mask (it's the way we filter the raw thoughts and feelings that we all have without saying them out loud!). Hope that helps.
One thing I notice with my husband is if I tell him I need X, especially if it is a physical act. He will do that 100% but won't extrapolate it to anything else.
The wider range of emotions you detailed so wonderfully are actually overwhelming to us. The traffic jam you spoke of (re: disagreements) is akin to a 🧱 sensation. Also, I have to ask people to tell me things using direct communication because, well, I suck at indirect. I only wish I had known I have this YEARS ago. It's like going through life with nobody really understanding you, why you do certain things with such insane attention to detail while completely shunning other things of no interest, etc. I could on and on. It's like being an alien amongst the human race. It can be quite lonely. Thanks for your video.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I've had so many autistic clients tell me the same thing about feeling like an alien in the human race. You really are NOT alone, though. My mission is to help translate neurotypical for autistic and vice versa so we can all start truly understanding each other!
@@JodiCarlton See? You gave me a heart. The Aspy interpretation is you want to get married and have 6 babies together. I need to think about it long enough to say...gotcha. Ty for the heart tho. )))
@@RavishingBeyond LOL! You're welcome....and this made me smile! I was just saying in my FB coaching group that the term "love" has so many different meanings. It's important to CLARIFY with our partner what it means to each of you. You have just reminded me that a "heart" has different meanings, as well. Appreciate you!
Yup I think it’s my dad too. But no one in my family wants to recognize this. Even though one of my nephews has autism (not Aspie). For me when I started to understand my dad from an Aspie perspective has made it much easier to communicate and understand him
Not all people on the spectrum are visual thinkers. Temple Grandin (the first person to make this claim) had to retract this finding she made in her book thinking in pictures. She later found that there are many people on the spectrum that do not think in pictures at all. This is stated in her new book called the Autistic brain, chapter 7 'rethinking in pictures'. The labels she uses are visual thinking, pattern thinking and word thinking and claims that there is a variety of thinking styles for people on the Autism spectrum.
Thank you for your comment! Yes! We are learning more and more over time about the neurodiverse brain!. I actually talked with Temple about the different types of thinking a few months ago in a videocast. You can watch that here: ruclips.net/video/WJSNL-rGsg4/видео.html
@@JodiCarlton Woah that's great. Must have been a very special moment. She is very inspirational. It was also very humbling when she admitted what she first said about visual thinking and autism was wrong. Shows her innate search for the truth, without ego.
I suspect this is my son who has shut off from friends and family. He does have PTSD since his brother was killed 10 years ago but his strange behaviour started before this. He is 43. His phone is switched of and he won’t tell me his address. He lives with his girlfriend who has ADHD and I do know the street but not the house number. His mail comes to me but he doesn’t collect it. I feel angry and very hurt ( we have never had a fallout) but since researching Autism I feel compassion. This is helping keep me keep sane. Everyday I pray he will come and see me or even phone.
Some of this material is great. Some is very close to encouraging severe gaslighting manipulation and abuse. In particular that attempting to be diagnosed is a mistake. If professionals do not see it, am i then supposed to instead believe my wife when she says i can't feel her pain, I lack empathy, I am the source of all our marital issues and I have to disbelieve my own perception of reality because i am wrong and she is right. That is the very definition of gaslighting.
yes, yes, yes yes, yes. I am just now figuring out what's gone on the whole time; ONLY those who have lived with those men (or women) could know. Everybody who is married to an aspie is parroting the EXACT SAME THINGS. No doubt now. None.
Wow, as a person with autism, I find it quite offensive how you are lumping all individuals with this particular disability all in one as the same! What group would you like to insult next, people with cerebral palsy? To quote Tony Atwood, “if you’ve met one person with asperger’s, you’ve met one person with asperger’s.” Not sure what your married experience was, but I assure you, every person on the spectrum is just as different, as every person who is not on the spectrum, except I’ve never heard an aspie generalize and criticize all nuerotypicals in one like I’ve heard some people on this thread do with respect to aspies. So sad, really for people to write off an entire group of disabled persons! I’m grateful, frankly, for my autism because of my disability, I find it very difficult to judge, reject, bully or write others off in the way that so many nuerotypicals have done to me throughout my life just because I perceive the world differently. And too bad for those who treat people this way because it’s their loss; aspies can be some of the kindest, most empathetic, most honest and genuine people you will ever meet. And frankly, relationships are a two-way street, so you will get nowhere by blaming the relationship problems all on the other person and which is neither true nor fair. So anyway, good luck with that.
high functioning aspie here, just wanted to say I have a super wide range of emotions. maybe I'm in the minority. I feel like my emotions can be quite intense, but definitely not constrained to a limited range. But I've also met ppl who do have narrow emotional channels. Interesting!
Hi Jeremiah. Thanks for sharing. Yes some neurodivergent people like you have very intense emotions that are often hard to regulate. Neurodivergence traits are often at the extremes. Much more or much less.
Wish we saw more stories of successful people that are in relationships with autistic people and they have gone the distance and are still in successful loving relationships.
They do exist! Have you listened to my podcast? There are quite a few guests who are in neurodiverse relationships and are making it work! There's a playlist here on my channel or you can find it on any major podcast platform "YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship."
I was dating someone who didn't tell me they were neurodivergent, and they don't fully know but suspect they are. I was upset at first over all you discuss but when I had two cats die back to back they were so present. They stayed on the phone with me through it at 1 am on for hours. Both of us cried. Every time I cry over it, he does as well. It made me realize he probably feels things even more intensely and is so sensitive, it just comes out differently. He is consistent and here for me. Unfortunately I fell in love quickly where for him he wasn't there so we are morphing into friends and he has proven to me I chose someone so amazing to love even if it's not returned. I've been watching so many videos as it helps me understand some of his quirks and how he communicates differently.
It's hard to love someone who doesn't have the same feelings in return. Although he may be a wonderful man, be sure to be realistic - don't wait on him based on his "potential." You deserve to be with someone who is ready and who wants to be with you.
I have PTSD and my colleagues joke that I'm autistic. Some of them are actually convinced that I am. (I never told my employer about my PTSD). At times I can seem moody and distant. Easily frustrated with others. I'm approaching middle age so I think losing patience might be as a result of getting older. I will admit that I do have a strong sense of self righteousness. I got tested and am neurotypical. Is it possible that being haunted by my trauma can give off an autistic vibe or are my colleagues gas lighting me?
I didn't see your question in time for my live stream today, but this is a very good question that I want to address live so more people will benefit from it. I'm going to have my assistant put this question on the list for next week's live (Tuesdays at 5pm ET). I hope you can join, or if not, be sure to catch the replay.
Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I am the aspie man in this equation and I really want to try and be a better partner to my girlfriend of 6 years, And your video has helped me a lot in understanding her perspective. I never really realized that I was acting like a brick wall emotionally in any way, but I don’t really know how to change because I just simply don’t understand/don’t have the energy to deal with whatever is going on most of the time. Do you have any tips or videos for people with asd on how to communicate and understand better? Thank you!
Hello, Wilbur. I’m an aspie woman. I thought this video was over-generalizing and came across as very negative and condescending. But I do have a resource recommendation for you that I have found extremely helpful, and that is AANE.ORG. They are a peer-to-peer support organization for adults with asperger’s/autism. They are originally based in the Massachusetts area but since the days of covid, they have gone online and have opened their doors to people everywhere via zoom. They offer virtual game nights and other social activities as well as conferences and seminars on various pertinent topics. From the website you also can request a free 30-minute consultation/referral meeting with one of their specialists. They also have lists of diagnosticians and other resources for support. They offer support groups for aspies, and also for family members. Most things are free and some things are for a very small fee. For instance, an eight-session closed (meaning the same group of individuals for the whole eight sessions) support group costs $80, which i think is reasonable and I am happy to pay, however, they will not turn anyone away for the inability to pay so you can ask for assistance in that if it’s too much for your budget to pay. Some groups of us who met at aane run our own game nights, chat nights, and book clubs unofficially as well as a way to socialize more regularly and get to know one another better as friends, and my little group of friends who get together this way regularly have found this to be extremely beneficial-to have an open, safe, judgement-free place to get together and socialize is just so amazing, and we learn so much from each other about friendship and interacting with others in our own, perfectly okay aspie ways! I love my fellow aspie friends! I hope you will check out AANE.ORG and maybe I will see you there sometime! At any rate, I wish you happiness and all the best of luck!
@@heatherreddick4635 I do not think Aspies can help Aspies to have a better relationship with NT partners. That is like elementary school children trying to teach each other how to drive. If everything were perfectly ok, Jack would not be seeking help. If those with ASD pair up in a relationship, everything might be ok between them, but it is rarely if ever ok between ASD and NT individuals without a diagnosis, admitting and accepting the diagnosis and then working on learning how to cope with each other.
@@icvideos1621 I suppose that in your example the elementary school children is NT people. I find really wholesome that him is trying to make the relationship better, but NT people should definitely listen more to ND.
I do love my husband but he is from another planet. He masked very well during our 2 years of dating before marriage. This is a fact, #3. Husband has regular meltdowns while in confrontation. Been called crazy many times by spouse. As warm and even keeled as he mostly is,He has always given me aggravation and hasn't given me basic amount of admiration, affection or understanding. I have not heard a compliment or kind word in 5 years. He is pretty clueless regarding his own behavior. and I do believe he is AUTISTIC/ASPERGERS. He refuses a test, and says he can beat any test. I am willing to be tested but he isn't. Our child is dx autistic so I believe one of us also is, if not both.I am not an easy person to deal with but I am trying. Thanks for video.
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This is exactly what I’m dealing with, have been for 15 yrs and always felt like I was made wrong for wanting more connection, and feeling so lonely in our marriage.
After nearly 30 years of marriage, the possibility that the root cause is not my fault in being over the top in my reactions (well, I can be) but perhaps something else. What a relief. I have been beavering away on my own need to come to grips with my own stuff and now I can say, honestly, it is what it is. Honest, hard working, incredibly loyal is my man. I am like another commentator, I choose to love, and get on with it. Thanks for a great video. This, plus some kind words from my therapist, are helping me accept the situation, celebrate the good and flex my compassion muscle some more. He and I love each other, perhaps because we are so different
Me too 😢
Me too. It is like living on your own.
I'm right there with you. Never been so lonely in my life. Thirteen years in and about at the end of my rope.
I divorced my husband- nothing lonelier than being in this kind of relationship. I did years of marriage counseling with him first and therapist never brought up the idea he was on the spectrum. (Years later my girlfriend told me. Made perfect sense then to me.)
I am in my 26th year of marriage to the most out of touch, self centered man I’ve ever met! 18 months into our marriage during an argument I said there is something wrong with your brain, normal people don’t think like this! Well, it has been a long hard road for me to continue to live this man. The rest of the story is that he is a devoted, honest, hard working gentlemen. He has been misunderstood by most, but he wakes up new everyday. Always wanting to move forward, as I wallow in the loneliness of our relationship. I had to make a decision to love it or leave, I choose to love it, consider myself lucky to have free time to see my friends, my adult children and grandchildren. It’s not the fairytale girls want, but I’m human too and I can’t cook, don’t follow the rules and he never complains about my shortcomings. I wouldn’t want to live without him and together we are one.
No way. Done after 20 years of being mistreated.
Teresa it can improve, and you don’t have to do this all by yourself. Please join me, and others in spectrum relationships (including men and women on the spectrum) in my free FB coaching group. The link is in the description of this video.
This is absolutely beautiful and so incredibly inspiring for another spouse of a man who’s on the spectrum. Thank you.
Theresa, as you know, relationships are a two way street. If you love him enough to take the time to understand how his brain works differently, without any judgement, without contempt, and with genuine sincerity and love, I am certain that the relationship can improve for you both. Let me just make one point very clear, though, there is nothing wrong with your husband’s brain, and that way of looking at it can only be hurtful to him and to the relationship. Saying that there is something wrong with an aspie’s brain, or that they need change the way they think and do things, would be like saying left handed people are doing things the wrong way and that they need to learn to do things the right handed way. I’m a person on the spectrum and I’ve come a long way in learning to love and accept myself the way that I am in a nuerotypical world that seems to imply that something is wrong or unloveable about me simply because I experience and interpret the world differently than most. Indeed, the only thing that is wrong is for others to be rejecting people who perceive and interact differently with the world around them. All that any person on or off the spectrum wants and needs is to be understood, to be loved, and to be accepted for who we are. Since communication and relationships are a two-way street, it would be incorrect and unfair to blame the relationship or the communication difficulties on the person who has autism, just because they have autism. As I’m sure you know because you married one, aspies are just as loveable and as worthy of love as a nuerotypical. At any rate, I have found AANE.ORG to be an invaluable support community and reference for resources for myself living on the spectrum, and they also support the families and loved ones of persons on the spectrum. On their website, you can schedule a free online zoom consultation/referral meeting with one of their specialists. Also, they offer many free and low-fee support groups, conferences/webinars and social activities for your loved one on the spectrum and they also provide the same for family members. I think you and your husband might find some great resources and support there. It’s the only organization that I’ve come across that provides resources and support for the adult asperger’s/autism community, so check it out.
@@JodiCarlton With all due respect, are you married to someone on the spectrum?
This is an old video but I just want to say to mix things up in the comments-I have a husband who started out this way; closed off and trapped in his routine, where he jumped to assume he was too strange to be understood and didn’t try to connect with me very deeply. Weirdly enough though, I found he was sensitive to and recognized my moods and state of being more than anyone else I’d ever met, and it turned out it was because I also have autism. Once we figured that out and he witnessed my attempts to understand myself better and unmask, he started opening up more about himself and we’ve been working to understand each others’ different needs on different places on the spectrum. Getting his help with chores is still hard, but I understand he’s trapped in a routine and I am willing to be very patient. He does care; intensely and deeply, and we express our love in very simple ways but we feel those ways powerfully; and we’re both trying to slowly grow to be better for each other. It’ll take time, but we have a lifetime to be together 💜
I have been in such a marriage for 30 years. It sounds so familiar. Luckily some of my husbands routines are shopping grocery, cooking and cleaning. He already had them when we met.
Thank you for sharing your story!! This is inspirational to so many who will read this. I have seen neurodiverse relationship work when both partners are willing and motivated to be vulnerable (like you've described) and to look inward and grow.
@@biaberg3448 Thank you for sharing this with everyone! We all need to make best of what we enjoy and what interests us so the things that aren't enjoyable are easier to tackle.
I am researching Autism because my son has been diagnosed..in doing so I am certain that my husband is autistic and now I think I might have Asperger's. I do have ADHD but I actually joke a lot and I am usually able to connect with everyone I meet but my ability to feel emotions is very very low. I am under emotional which my autistic husband is actually very emotional...I sometimes think I could make money on a reality show as a neurodiverse family
@@HealthandBeautyAP😅
My husband of 30 years has recently died. What you have just talked about has answered many of my questions. Thank you.
Patricia Tedds, my condolences for your recent loss! Wow, 30 years❤
Patricia, I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's death...but I'm so very glad that I was able to give you some answer, and hopefully comfort in that. Hugs to you.
@@AutodidactEngineer that's a pretty insensitive comment to make to someone who just lost her husband of 30 years; might you be on the spectrum?
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been married to a man for 20 years who has adhd , possibly autism exc..
I know how crazy the love affair can be.. My husband opens up from time to time.. and seems to get/ understand me..within a few minutes, we are butting heads again..It breaks my heart. One minute connection..next minute, please don’t touch me.
I wander sometimes, which is true..does he love me or..
I have to believe he loves me..we always come back to each other.. as different as we are (our souls love each other).
People on the spectrum are persistent..don’t quit easily.. He loved you or he would have been persistently seeking something else..Just a common trait, that verifies love for those on the spectrum..If they stay, they love you.
Congratulations on 30 years..I know it had its difficulties but what a ride, right 😀
Be blessed!
@@sheilastayton2285 I accepted my husband as he was and we had a very happy marriage. I am confident in myself and do not need someone to tell me I’m an ok person so if I wanted a hug I knew I had to ask for one and it was because he couldn’t do it spontaneously. He was the kindest person ever to be in my life.
Thank you for sharing this information. However from my experience as an ASD man, I've got to share with you that there are many more variables those promote the signs you just mentioned . In my case, as a child and as teenager, realizing my differences from regular people, made me get interested in psychology as a tool for understanding. Self observation, inquiring with other people about their feelings, their thinking, etc, have taken me to evolve much over the years. Nowadays, all that work has made me become very empathetic, caring, and have expanded the barriers of social behaviors.
Encouragement for self awarness, and practice of meditation, as well as nutricion, can give us posibilities for evolution.
Hi Sean. Thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective! I absolutely agree with you about the variables. This list is a “short list” of common traits. This is why some providers struggle to recognize autism - because they don’t realize that there is such great variance. The traits in this video do exist, nonetheless, for many, and it’s a starting point for a lot of people.
My hope is that more people like you will seek to educate themselves and become more self aware in order to improve interpersonal and social relationships.
I am only partway through the video. My first marriage failed in a large part due to my misunderstanding of humans. I spent most of my life being the last one to figure out "was just happened" in a social circle. Computers became my first love because they always respond the same way with the same input. Humans, to me, were hopelessly chaotic and unpredictable. After the very painful failure of my marriage, I took to research into human behaviour. In a desperate attempt to protect myself from further trauma in my interpersonal relationships, I read as much as I could about psychology and relationships. If you don't understand something, you cannot control it. Control is what I needed in order to protect myself from future trauma. My main vocation is computer software development, but my "hobby" continues to be understanding human, and in general, mammalian behavior. I love animals of all kinds, and generally quickly establish a bond with them. I am rambling here, but in my experience, all mammals have an innate capacity to establish a relationship with other mammals. (I don't mean to exclude fish or exoskeletons, but actually, I do). Most dogs will immediately identify anything that is moving as exciting and something worth pursuing. However, they can be taught to respect a cat or other animals that are typically considered prey as a member of the family. I joke about my dogs and cats as being "Supremely Autistic" even though they have a capacity for empathy and make regular eye contact. There is something to be considered here, as we learn about the range of cognitive and behavioural traits/patterns considered normal in either humans and/or their mammalian relatives. I love animals, and I love computers. I have grown more and more to love people as I expand my insights. But mostly computers and animals. lol.
@datadude67 Thanks for being so vulnerable about your journey! As an autism and adhd female (AuDHD), I feel you about animals and computers!
Hi there! I am on the spectrum and did not know I was for my childhood and adolescence (it was diagnosed when I was little but I was told later.) I just wanted to state that I think that many people on the spectrum can be much more grey in their thinking than the typical portrayal of being black and white thinkers. I have been called "highly flexible" by supervisors at work and I rarely get angry unless someone has consistently been doing something cruel. I think it's important for those who are alllistic to keep in mind that some autistics can...in some domains...sort of defy common stereotypes. That said, I am a female, and I have always been interested in self improvement. I was bullied a lot growing up because I was called eccentric, weird and so on. I think learning to find a way of thinking about others that was not black and white ( rigid ) was perhaps the single biggest thing that has helped me because it allowed me to deescalate emotionally and avoid meltdowns or shutdowns (I have not had many as an adult and when I did most of the time it occurred when I was very stressed and people were not respecting my boundaries...especially after I repeatedly expressed my needs (for example - one person I considered a friend spiked my drink with alcohol, and did other things that I asked them to stop and they considered it amusing.)
Also...and I honestly believe you know this stuff (I don't doubt your knowledge whatsoever) but I think it always helps to see a perspective from behind the "veil." One of my favourite words at age 2 was veil. I even wrote it down (I was a hyperlexic child but initially had language regression) I was convinced a veil covered me and I could peak behind the veil and see others but it was like peeking through a wool blanket and seeing the world through a distorted lens. I also told my mum that no one could really see the real me when I was around three.
I think I had the awareness to understand I thought differently from a young age and saw the world differently but one of the things I would highly caution is for those who are not on the spectrum to assume our exterior expressions match our inner emotional state. As a child I was very somber, very serious. But I got criticized a lot for that and this anxiety lead not only to social anxiety disorder but also people pleasing tendencies which I am still working on eradicating. Sometimes I feel like the most adequate statement of how I feel and think is that my mind and philosophical outlook is very flexible, very fluid...but my nervous system is very easily overloaded. It makes me wonder if some of the rigidity is caused by secondary conditions that go undiagnosed because the autism masks a secondary condition. So it goes undiagnosed (say, OCD.)
For example, rigidity and strict adherence to routines is also something that I think waxes and wanes...but can get worse without adequate support. I know that when I tend to stick to routines more...it's usually when I am very stressed. Also, what can look superficially like an adherence to sameness can be misleading. For example, at work I often order and eat the same meal. But I have major GI disorders and GI disorders are very common among autistics too (along with migraines, seizures etc.) This could look like a strict adherence to a routine but it could be a way of navigating a situation where there are fewer options for us because many of us have many food sensitivities or could have a GI flare up if we radically shift what we eat. So again, this can look like a rigidity of thought issue but stem from other issues.
Also, when it comes to social communication issues...I don't think we are necessarily poor at socially communicating. But we prioritize different things, often. We might come across as blunt but generally I would say the vast majority of neurodivergent people I have met are very compassionate, honest, loyal people. We often seem to understand instinctively how to communicate well with other autistics...which makes me wonder...is the real issue that we are bad at socially communicating or rather that we do express ourselves differently to the point that neurotypical individuals have poor social communication abilities when it comes to interacting with us?
There are conversations about this on autistic self advocacy groups that sort of go like this: if we have difficulty reading the intentions of allistic folk...we are seen as lacking a skill. But if they have difficulty reading us...we also are often told its our fault. I see it more along the lines of what you spoke about in your video...we are almost living a parallel existence. We can often have great and engaging conversations with other autistics and struggle more with getting our points or intentions across to allistic people. The issue then is more complicated than being too sensory sensitive, poor at communication etc. I like the idea that we use a different mental operating system (say, Linux...not as commonly used but has some tremendous strengths and positive qualities) vs the much more widespread Windows. One OS is not superior...but they each excel in slightly different ways.
Also, I feel like there is a tendency to pathologize many aspects of the autistic experience...even when nothing is wrong, per se. For example, if a neurotypical professor or musician or ballerina committed themselves to a discipline or subject they would be lauded for their exceptional devotion. But when an autistic hyperfocuses on a subject they love...that is considered perseverating even though in this particular example our intense loves of certain subjects provide us with absolute joy and are not ego dystonic experiences....yet it still is addressed as something being "wrong" and minimized as being some robotic seeming feature. I even had a previous friend (no longer a friend based on some of the things they said and how they treated me) once call me an "idiot savant." This is because when I am highly interested in a subject I can memorize facts and information very rapidly (for example memorizing pi to over a thousand decimal places for a Pi math contest when I was younger, being able to memorize entire screenplays of my favorite movies and television shows after watching a show one time, and being able to memorize dates and trivia with ease when I am interested in a subject.)
But that is down to an intense interest and the focus that I think intense love and interest in mastery provides...it's not this robotic ability where I parrot back information like a bot.
So much to unpack here, and that's without even addressing non-verbal autistics who often were deemed cognitively "challenged" due to difficulties communicating and a lack of resources provided during their lifetimes.
No doubt some autistics might be harder to live with for a variety of reasons, but that is certainly not all. And when it comes to empathy, and compassion in particular...studies have shown repeatedly that neurodivergent people are less likely to be racist, homophobic, ageist or to bully others. Other studies also show that as a group we are more likely to loyal and honest, and many autistics are hugely into animal and human rights. In fact, there is a huge interest and fondness in the neurodivergent community for animals and the care and protection of other species and animal therapy and having a companion animal is well known to reduce anxiety and stress in our community, in particular. This speaks of a huge need to connect, huge compassion and devotion. That alone says so, so much and it also shows that we need more dialog between different neurotype groups so allistic and autistic people can both more readily come to understand the 'language' of each other.
It would also help clear up misconceptions. For example...stimming. It's not an alien behaviour so much as a means to emotionally regulate. But allistic people also do stim...just not as often (say, pacing back and forth in a hospital hallway when waiting for news of a sick family member etc.)
Sorry for rambling. It's just frustrating sometimes to be treated like an alien or called an idiot savant or whatnot by a group of people who pride themselves on being more emotionally intelligent or of having greater empathy but then who often gossip and mock and bully others who are different. Makes me wonder why stimming and infodumping are pathologized while gossiping, and being hostile towards those who are different is seen as more of the status quo default state. It seems like out of whack priorities and sometimes many resources provided for allistic people about autistic people feels shallow to me. Lacking fair representation, if that makes sense.
But thank you for doing your part to help make some of out atypicalities seem less 'wrong' and more understandable.
Take care. 🫂
Thank you for sharing your perspective! Would you like to be a guest on my podcast? Would love to chat - reach out to us at gethelp@jodicarlton.com
I know this is an old post, but I appreciate what you've said. I'm autistic and most (likely all) people in my family going back and forward in the generations. I have one very hostile and mean brother and one very kind one. Both are autistic. Both may miss social cues, but both pick up on emotional cues, as do I (also autistic). The mean bro picks up on emotions of others and can use that against them, mocking them, etc. He's hurt other family members financially, on purpose, to get revenge, etc. and often he wrongly assumes people have acted against him. The kind one would comfort you and would give you the shirt off his back. It's all over the map.
I married and later was divorced from a man who is autistic. We are widely different. Then there was my mom. I thought initially, "she couldn't be autistic, she loves people and they love her." I realized that people are her special interest. She has so many signs of autism and her mother was most definitely on the spectrum.
And about special interests: I belong to a couple of groups centered around my special interest. But if I go too deep into it, the NTs who are most or all of the group, don't seem to like that. Instead they'd rather make small talk. It's something I have to put up with from NT's, even in a group focused around this interest. But no one wants to put up with a deeper dive into the topic. I get the message that I'm too much of a nerd. In past groups/experiences, I've seen the eye rolls from NTs. They are uncomfortable around anyone who's different, though I'm not. But it's the autistic person who has the disorder?
This was utterly BRILLIANT! Thank you! ❤
Beautifully said!
I have used the analogy of Mac/iOS and Windows being different yet neither is wrong, quite like Neurotypical brains and Autism brains seem to run on different "operating systems." We communicate well among those on the same operating system and have difficulty understanding those on the other operating system.
WOW!!! I think you have a Master degree in Writing 🎉
I am 57, diagnosed at 47, married for 35 years. Just in the last few years have I really began to look at my life through the lens of being autistic and how this is who I really am. I'm working on unmasking and being more true to myself.
My wife and I are just beginning to realize how much my autism has been shaping our relationship behind the scenes.
Great video!
I’m glad you have this new framework/lens for your relationship. It’s a huge shift toward understanding each other in new way.
This video is making my head explode. Every single trait she mentioned describes 80 of the men in this country. NO, 80% of the men in this country are not "on the spectrum". Nearly everything she describes falls under the category of completely normal behavior by men. Being a man does not make you autistic, being autistic makes you autistic.
So glad you've been married for so long. Your wife must be very special as well as you. It's hard trying to fit into a more "normal" world when you're really just trying to be your wonderful self.
Understanding and successful communication will always be the key for an high functioning autistic person to have a successful lasting relationship with someone who doesn't have autism I think
Where did you go for a diagnosis? Because I'm middle aged and my mom is a senior and I strongly believe she's autistic and I'm on the fence about myself having autism.
I am autistic. Married. You have done a good job of describing my world. The breaking of routines is crucifying. Routines bind our world together. There’s so much activity incoming from outside, often like living within a blizzard. Sensory collisions blowing you apart again, again, again. Great, informative video though. Apologies if I didn’t make sense 🙂
Thank you for your comment and I'm glad I'm able to to help others see better into what it's like inside your world. You made perfect sense. 🙂
Hello again. I will be releasing my first book about neurodivergent relationships in 2023 and am interested in including your quote about the content in this video. Your username will not be published. Please contact us at gethelp@jodicarlton.com to authorize the use of your comment. Please include your username and the above comment in the email. Thank you!
I understand ty 😊
@@kishup1995 an infant and a child is suppose to get attention from their parents, which is healthy development. And prevents them from craving other outside attention.
I bet he's a good man though
I've never felt so UNDERSTOOD! I have felt like I was going insane for 15 years. Thank you!
My kids and I referred to my ex boyfriend as the “cyborg “. I’m starting to think his lack of affection , emotion, never giving compliments, attention and very little eye contact are possibly due to some level of high functioning autism .
Such a smart man and good at so many things. I just could never put my finger on why he was so emotionally unavailable yet seemed to want to keep me.
I felt really unattractive but now I see he probably couldn’t help it. 🤷🏻♀️
Hmmmm....were we dating the same guy? 😅Exact situation with my BF of 2.5 years. Most of my friends noticed he was unreachable etc. We just broke up, and only afterward was it pointed out to me he has so many symptoms of being high functioning spectrum. I helps a little to know he's just not wired to connect like others...still it's very sad. I just couldn't go on with being starved for ANY affection, appreciation, connection etc. He was handsome, fun, nice, smart, creative....on the surface seems like a potentially great partner. Live and learn.
yup. typical aspie. don't go back though!
I just now decided to end it with my bf. I’m sad and will miss him !! But he can’t give me want I need in a relationship. I just realized after 5 mo. That he had to be autistic. I’m not breaking up bc of that. But it’s just too hard for him to communicate so in a way I guess I am breaking up bc of this. 🤷♀️
I’m just glad I found out early. But It still hurts. Should I let him know why he feels different ?
What do you do 🙅🏻♀️
It's sad that a lot of people in the comments are assuming that being a jerk is a characteristic of autism. How someone decides to handle their situation is what makes them a jerk. Some people will refuse to admit that they could be wrong and never improve. That's not a characteristic of autism, it's a characteristic of assholes. There is a difference between being a jerk because you don't understand socialization, and doing it out of malice. A mistake is usually cleared up after people talk about it. If the person is truly an asshole, they will dismiss the other party's concerns.
💯
That's true. Anyone can be a jerk. I think some people (who have commented here) are in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed and who is not willing to believe it or learn about themselves, hence the reason for the harsh remarks. If not that, they just didn't want to work on the relationship. If my spouse told me I lacked natural/learned abilities that 98% of the population possessed, I would probably resist believing it without massive amounts of proof and a real self-revelation, especially if I didn't feel like my quality of life was suffering in any way.
This is a big truth.. Indeed, many people, aware of the syndrome, justify their insensitivity by pretending that they are in the spectrum. Also, among aspergers, there are those who do not want to change because it is convenient for them to be forgiven by others for their stubbornness.
I have a coworker who is autistic and she is a jerk. I have a friend who is autistic and she hates children. I am wondering if my soon to be husband is on the spectrum as well, that’s why I’m watching this video. He’s a super nice guy though. But that means out of the 3 people I know, 2 out of 3 are kinda jerky. 😂
@@aggk.3151 this may indeed happen but is hard to comprehend. Being autistic is a terrible handicap and diminishes quality of life. High functioning has benefits but a huge drawback in that the handicap is effectively hidden and so not accepted easily by others, spouse/partner etc. I wouldn’t wish this curse on anyone. Anyone who does this is not very different from someone who parks in the handicap parking bay !
Im watching this with tears in my eyes. I just left my boyfriend of 4 years. I just cant take it anymore.
I hope you’re okay, remember nothing is permanent you can get through this💓
I hope this video helps you in understanding what's been going on in your relationship. Clarity is huge for both partners!
@BrettyBoy that’s idiotic and you know it. Tf?
You did the right thing to choose self preservation. Marriage, simply turns you into a permanent carer, where the “for better“ is for the ND and the “for worse“ is for the NT, as the relationship is very unequal.
I don't bloody blame you. It is really hard to never be acknowledged when you speak.
This explains sososososososo much. Oh my goodness, it’s like someone threw me a life preserver.
I have autism and my first boyfriend told me I was like this. I thought people could just feel my love. I CHANGED. once he told me that i changed because i cared how he felt. Men have this ability and if you tell them how you feel and they dont change, move on!! They don't care about you. If they did they would consider your feelings
Thank you for this comment! It’s so helpful for others to hear that autistics absolutely can be motivated and wiling to change and if they aren’t then move on. ❤️
@@JodiCarlton The onus is not only on the neutotypical, and the way you tend to talk about the neurodivergent members in the relationship concerns me a little. I'm not sure your description of the way autistic people experience emotion is accurate or helpful either.
My husband never did anything that would indicate that he loved me. When I brought this to his attention, he said, "You should just know that I do."
@@Elkenders Spot on! The changes autistic individuals can make are mechanical, not heart-felt changes based on empathy. Of course my husband likes me, but he would like the next person just the same. He doesn't think of me as someone more special than the others in his circle of familiar people. He doesn't share any personal feelings with me that he wouldn't share with a dozen other people. The "special relationship" is not reserved for me.
@@icvideos1621 I feel this with my current partner...I've told him that he's got the role of "wife" available and I just happen to fit...but it could be any other women not ME specifically
You truly nailed it. Great explanation 💯 💕
I've been married for over 30 years, and looking back, everything makes soooo much sense. When my aspie husb and I would argue, he told me I had problems; something was wrong with me. I would get very emotional... which he couldn't handle. I was in counseling. He told me I'm wasting my money. it has been a rollercoaster ride. However, I'm in a much better place in my life. Listening to videos such as yours is helping tremendously. I've accepted that he has Aspergers. Part of me wants to leave due to lack of communication, empathy, affection, connection, etc. and the other part wants to stay due to the fact that he does try as best he can. Many thanks to you.💕
It’s helpful to have the framework for understanding him but ultimately we each have to know our own personal dealbreakers. Some people are happy and can thrive whereas others cannot. There is not a “right” answer.
@JodiCarlton Absolutely 💯.
Working on my inner self is helping me a great deal. Thank you 💕
This is my life.😢
@sophukinsikofit So sorry to hear you are going through that. I decided to stop focusing on my husb and focus on things I enjoy. I have no doubt that things are working out for my good. I pray you find peace within.❤️❤️
@positivevibe7684 wow thank you so much. I am always surprised when someone cares. Thank you.
Wow this explains so much. I kept thinking he may be borderline or narcissistic but it didn't quite add up but how you explained this I see this in my husband.
me too
im so tired
Girl I been doing it for 17 yrs! His a genius but when it comes to emotional stuff no clue!
Controlling their emotions and not being able to trust their partner to do the same is crazy.
Borderlines have WAY more emotions but narcissists can be coupled with anything! It's called comorbid...
So, I just stumbled across a video by Dr. Ramani called Neglectful Narcissists 101 it's a 3 part series! Each video is less than 15 mins. I thought my husband was a narcissist, then ASD, but neither really fully fit him till I saw those videos! Now it's super clear, he might not have ASD at all... but they look so close, except that apparently ASD people have empathy & narcissists don't...
It's not that we lack emotions. It's that our emotions are more things that are concepts to others and we have BIG emotions.
It depends on the individual, and how emotions are experienced and expressed. Some of the autistic folks I've worked with literally don't experience emotions whereas others, like yourself, experience very intense "big" emotions.
I agree... I have emotions that I just can't turn off ... I am nuero divergent autistic and I had to go to war 4 times ... a combat vet... I had to feel absolutely everything, and I did have some envy for the nuero typicals that could just turn off .... "Well, they just are praying to the wrong God... ect... dehumanizing with ease or suspending their reality in a pseudo mindscape world akin to video game land...". No, I'm sorry, we are not animals without feelings... these thoughts or suggestions about the peronderance of our community lacking in emotions should not be federated. If you really want to know what it feels like, watch idicoracy... love it . 😀
Stumbled across this and it closely describes my relationship with my partner who I believe is on the spectrum. High functioning. It sometimes feels like I’m in a parallel universe; it all looks normal but there’s a shift in the universe somewhere and it’s not ‘normal’. Totally got the bit feels like we’re speaking a different language. I’ve often said it’s like we get a little way somewhere (after a lot of ‘coaching’) and then the reset button is pressed and he goes back to factory setup mode. 🤷♀️.
Sometimes it appears there’s a void of emotion and sometimes he simply doesn’t know how to respond at all and I have to give a strong steer. Doesn’t seem able to look ahead and consider potential scenarios/outcomes. He can be so very self centred and stubborn and yet the rest of the world will see him as a kind and inoffensive human. And those things too can be true of him.
It also feels like I’m being gaslighted sometimes but another of your videos has shown me that whilst the process and outcome might be similar, the neurobiology and intention behind it is not. It’s not done to manipulate.
As someone else commented, I made the decision to stay because of love. Nevertheless, it’s very hard and, at times, I feel lonely and shut out.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I can assure you that you’ve described what many others are also experiencing and your words will help others feel less alone. Being in a relationship is hard no matter the neurotype of each partner. For a neurodiverse couple, though, there are variables that make it harder. Ultimately it’s about choosing what matters the most and weighing how much your life is impacted by the positives and the negatives.
Wow. Your description of your situation is like you just described mine....I'm in shock.
I have heard many many stories of parents getting a diagnosis after their kids because they are like “wait…they are just like me at that age.”
Happens with ADHD a lot too (and ASD and ADHD overlap a lot, and may even be related presentations of some brain pathology)
You have described my relationship too! 24 yrs together but I feel as though I am single as we are both on completely different wavelengths. He is 80 so I feel that diagnosis for him is not a path worth going down now. I just have to learn to cope. I’ve started going on holidays on my own now. This video confirms everything I suspected
You have described my marriage. :(
My mind is blown!
So glad I looked into this.
I was dating a man recently who is incredibly kind and smart but also did not display emotions, seemed to speak a different language, was terrible at communicating and took everything literally, even jokes.
My short time with him left me feeling needy, lonely and confused.
He checked off everything on this list and now I feel more compassion and wish I had known this about him. Maybe he doesn’t know himself? He says he never approaches women because he’s so awkward. He’s very handsome and played soccer professionally in Mexico.
Dang, now I feel bad about the times I got upset with him because he hurt my feelings. I ended it on Sunday because I couldn’t take it anymore 😢
There’s no need to feel bad. Your experience is your experience. Even if he is autistic, unless he is motivated and willing (and has the capacity), the relationship would have significant challenges. Neurodiverse relationships can thrive and do, but it takes both partners actively acknowledging neurodiversity and making intentional effort to understand their differences from one another.
He probably didn't know, and you probably confirmed to him he was right to never approach women. 🥲
In my opinion you'd be doing him a big favour by calling him up and gently telling him he may have ASD, and that his future relationships may go MUCH better if he works along with the ASD. I agree with Jody that some professional assessments may make things worse if they are not doing their jobs properly, but self assessment can be life saving, in that many unaware men with ASD tend to be suicidal and their kids can suffer their whole lives if they don't know why they are treated a certain way by their dad. Awareness can make a HUGE difference, like night and day for some.
Do not ever turn back. The chances of having a successful relationship between a NAT and NT is extremely low. That is a real truth, not an insult. Could you have an adult relationship with a genius 12-year-old? If they don't have it, you can't put it there.
@@icvideos1621 Autism is an incredibly broad spectrum so to make a generalization like this is horribly ignorant. To speak as if every autistic person is the equivalent of a "genius 12 year old" shows your lack of understanding of the disorder
After 37 years together. This is so true. Ive just accepted that neither od us are perfect. It is hard work and i have felt lonely in my marriage but he is loyal and loving. And i try not to take it personal. Acceptance is huge in a marriage
As a parent of an autistic child I can 100% say that they do have a wide range of emotions except they can’t understand how we associate emotions with certain things you get it with some thing that they can associate with you will see that wide range of emotions they just experience their motions in a more defined way less abstract
That third drawer is not shut properly
I see it!
Noooooo now I know and is bothering me, and arghhh 😂
LOL, yes it is not shut properly,......one of us, one of us...
Yes! This!
Absolutely hits home about speaking English, but speaking another language. I can't understand how he so often completely misunderstands what I'm saying. Also, being dismissed, constantly. If I had a dime for how many times I've heard "that's ridiculous" or "stop playing games" when trying to communicate how I feel about something. Always distracted, never fully listening to me. If I'm speaking with him, he's looking at his phone. He has difficulty making eye contact with me. In a group, he makes no room for me to enter a conversation. He seems unable to mirror and reciprocate. If I express a point of view, he plows on without acknowledging anything I just said. There's never a "that's interesting," or a "so, what you're saying is..." from him. Oppositional if I ask him to do something - he feels like I'm ordering him around when I simply need help in the house and rebels. He has a a weird way of running errands - he won't make one trip and get everything we need. He'll make several trips throughout the day, going out, coming home, going out again to get the next item. Drives me crazy. No attention to detail and this can be chaotic for me. Things fall, get broken, a dog gets out because he refuses to listen to me about training or keeping them safe. Chaos for me. I know he loves me, he tries to be very good to me, he's very generous, he works hard, he's loyal to me; I've just had to learn to live with the items you covered. One thing that's great about him: he does understand that my family is nuts, a bunch of narcissists, and that they treated me terribly. He totally gets that. I'm not sure I could explain my family to anyone else, and I'm not sure anyone else would believe it. My husband has actually seen and experienced it over the 30+ years we've been married. So, I guess I'm keeping him. But living with someone with Asperger's is quite challenging.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I imagine it’s difficult for your husband at times to have a neurotypical wife particularly one who has experience narcissistic abuse. You both are likely to struggle at times in the relationship because of different ways of thinking, feeling, and communicating.
I have been dealing with all that bullshit too. And everything I say is dismissed, my needs are not recognised, and nothing I say is acknowledged.
This is exactly what I’m going through with my husband. I’m hurting! This brings tears to my eyes. I’m so frustrated. I DO love him. This is hard! Thank you for this video!
I understand your frustration! It's definitely difficult when you don't understand it! Please consider joining my free coaching group on Facebook - we learn and grow together there! facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
Why are you staying with him? I spent 17 years trying to change my ex and my biggest regret in life is not leaving earlier
Dont listen to a RUclips video. Alot of this behavior is pretty common amongst lots of men. I find most men around me to behave in these ways sometimes. Sometimes more than others
@@jacehendrix3194 that's because a lot of people get through adulthood without being diagnosed.
@@lexiemaep7930 no one change anyone, even more if you want to make a autistic person behave like neurotypical, it would be a nightmare and this is definitely ableism.
I’ve been married with an undiagnosed man on the spectrum for 6 years and it is getting worse with each year. I cannot remember what I saw in him at the beginning anymore . I don’t know how to approach him with this topic without a meltdown and silent treatment.
The disconnection will continue to grow without intervention. Most couples don't have the tools to translate their communication, and don't have the framework to understand how to have a thriving neurodiverse relationship. Your difficulty remembering what you saw in him is a common response to growing disconnection, and it's a major warning for your relationship - your narrative about your husband is changing. You can book a consult with me: www.spectrumrelationships.com/initial-consult
My husband doesn't know how to express himself and lack some common sense. You think he is?
I know your pain..I’ve been married for 45 years to a man with Asperger’s 😢.My life is very lonely and he never never has a desire to touch me or be intimate..
I am not allowed to talk about it…
It’s a very hard road to go down .
It’s like living with a stranger or a roommate…I am leaving because I can no longer sacrifice me anymore..As I have learned men with Asperger’s cannot change and that’s the way their brain is wired..We went to counseling 14 years ago and was told either I adopt to his way of thinking and sacrifice any emotional part of myself or leave the marriage..I thought I could reason but I’ve discovered I’ve wasted many years of my life unfortunately that I can never get back 😢…I regret not leaving many years ago 😢
The silent treatment is a killer to the marriage. I live that daily. A huge lack of companionship, affection, and compassion. They appear so stuck up its ridiculous.
I'm sorry for your loneliness. It is very difficult. Married 38 years now, and I don't know how UT lasted besides that he is a very good and loyal man. Codependent to boot too!
It doesn't get better. In it 18 years at 66 and it is the most depressing experience of my life. Leave if you can before you are too old to set yourself free.
It feels like you have met my husband 😌 we’ve been married 31 years and it’s hard work
Hi Michelle. :) Yes, it's hard work, but it can also be very fulfilling, and rewarding with some education and insight! Would love to have you join my coaching group on FB if you're not already in there. The link is in the description.
Thank you for not quitting. Do you know how rare you likely are?! People of the type being discussed here, (I feel uncomfortable speaking of them with the "aspie" label), have seemed to gravitate to me throughout my life. I often found myself in situations acting as translator or peace keeper when they were about to be attacked by someone they unintentionally insulted, or fired in cases where I worked with them. Despite all of that, I couldn't imagine living in close quarters with them for any length of time, but I didn't too much mind getting up at 4am to rush to where they lived and spend 2+ hours helping one of those friends find her hair sticks, because she absolutely would not leave the house without them. 🙂
@@starstreamir3817 I think marriage with my autistic husband would be 100% better if we lived apart. Man, I would absolutely love that. But he can't keep a job and relies on me financially, and his world would be turned upside down were we to live apart. It really is tricky. But thank you for being such a wonderful advocate!
I don’t know how you do it.
@@missvegan1967 trust me it’s tough as some weeks everything is a battle, last week my brother was in intensive Care with Covid and he just wouldn’t realise he needed to back off and give me head space, everything is his way or nothing. My saving grace is having another room to retreat and a God who listens.
The 6th sign is the keeping of a huge Starwars figure collection.
😁👍👍
Funny and true lol
😂😂😂😂
It's Star Wars. They are collectables. And yes I am autistic.
Mine has the Star Trek encyclopedia! It's not Star Wars, but close enough. 😂
My ex and I agreed to divorce (a long time ago) after 17 years. Hindsight and more awareness about autism now, makes me sure that he was on the autism spectrum but back when we were married neither of us knew anything about it. We were a pair! I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, as a very mature older woman! I didn’t know ADHD was a thing that happened to girls/women either! I am now sure I have struggled with it my whole life; it explains so much. Between my ex and I, it’s amazing we got together and lasted as a couple for as long as we did!
Hi Christine. Thank you for sharing your personal experience! It is SO common for women with ADHD to partner up with men who are autistic. I see this ALL the time. Many like both of you, though, have no idea about their neurodivergence. I'm glad you've got some clarity now!
@@JodiCarltonHi there, I have ADD, am 51. I think my husband is on the spectrum, he’s 43. Why do you think it’s common to see this?
Because you're both neuodivergent. Your brains work different from the rest and that's why you probably understand each other. There is also an overlap in symptoms of ADHD and autism, so there might be a few things which you both consider completely normal but others may not. And then there's intelligence. People with autism tend to be more on the extreme side of intelligence - so either really having difficulties with cognitive functions or being excellent in many areas. It's not uncommon at all to have ADHD or autism and being intellectually gifted (called 2e, twice exceptional).
And it also not uncommon to have autism and ADHD at the same time. So these could be the reasons. I bet that, while you may struggle at times, you will also have a very deep bond with your partner allowing you to have very interesting conversations which other people just cannot provide.
@@DrLaemmerbeinthis❤
@@JodiCarlton where can I reach you?
I see a lot of women talking in the comment section about how they are having a hard time with autistic guys. I haven't been formally diagnosed, and don't want to be, but I'm 99% certain I have it due to the symptoms being fulfilled. But anyways, if you are living with an autistic guy it's very simple; just say what you mean and what you want exactly. Don't use any subtext, innuendo, hyperbole, and especially don't say the opposite of what you really mean or want. If you say something to me, then my default reaction is to take it as a statement that you believe to be true, and I will react accordingly. I won't take it literally if I think you're a liar, but if that's the case I don't want to deal with you at all because you are untrustworthy, and unpredictable. I think this tactic of saying things just to produce a desired effect is the verbal equivalent of a cattle prod. If you poke cattle with it, they will move in the direction you want, but if you poke a lion with it, something else will happen. If you choose to deal with lions rather than cattle, you have to use different methodology. But actually, it's really not hard to deal with an autist. Just say what you mean, and only that. Say what you want, and you will likely get it. You can't complain about something not being done if you never state clearly (not by implication) that you want it done. If you don't put something into words, then how can I know of it? If you say something other than what you mean, then how can I know what you really mean? If you're going to say "You have to take time to get to know me," then you need to behave in a predictable fashion which follows a pattern. I've observed that a lot of women like to say things to produce an affect, rather than to just say exactly what they mean. As I've studied history, and the world in general, I've come to the conclusion that this is the normal behavior for upwards of 50% of women. This is why Verdi included "La Donna Mobile" in the "Rigoletto" opera, where the song says "don't believe a woman whether she says yes or no." Even normal, functional guys who automatically process innuendo and subtext, find this behavior annoying, and have been complaining about it for thousands of years. For autists, who cannot process innuendo and subtext it's extremely annoying. Use precise language, say exactly what you mean, ask for what you want, and put everything clearly in words.
Hello, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on communication in a neurodiverse relationship. I agree that clear and concise communication is critical. However, it is important to note that many women (not just neurotypical) have been taught and conditioned to speak passively by male-dominated culture. For hundreds of years, women have been required to be quiet and polite, to suffer abuse without protest, and to keep their opinions to themselves. In current day, women are often described as "troublemakers," and "complainers," when they are assertive (as opposed to men being described as "leaders") and have been assigned verbally abusive labels (bitch or worse) when they communicate assertively. Moreover, many women who HAVE used clear, concise communication in autistic partnerships have been dismissed or ignored when autistic partners are unwilling to acknowledge requests, perspectives, and needs as valid because they cannot get beyond their OWN perspective (theory of mind). I'm glad you are looking into all of this in your pondering about being on the spectrum. I encourage you to consider the perspective of others (and all that you cannot possibly know) in getting clarity - ask women why they aren't clear and concise. Learn what they have to say to give yourself insight into your own relationship interactions. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.
@@JodiCarlton Thanks for responding directly to me. I wasn't expecting that, and actually my comment was directed at a lot of the people who were leaving comments below where they were speaking disdainfully of their husbands. I think the video is solid, and actually I shared it with my wife since posting because she was having some of these issues with me. I had a few difficult relationships before I finally got married, and some difficulties after getting married (though not as severe). Eventually my wife and I reached an understanding about communication, where she now just directly says what she wants, and I try to give random compliments and things even though it's not in my nature to do so. Things are pretty good between us. It looks like my kids are normal-ish, and didn't inherit my problem.
@@Procopius464 I totally agree with you about the comments and thanks for clarifying your perspective! Many people blame autism for communication challenges without reflecting on their own communication and how it might be contributing to the problem. I do agree with you that assertive, non-passive communication is necessary for clear interactions. Thanks, again, for contributing your thoughts - I always welcome and enjoy dialogue that adds greater understanding for all of us, myself included!
@@JodiCarlton It's funny, because this morning I was asking me wife about something she wanted and why she reacted a particular way, and she said "I shouldn't have to say everything." But it seems like I don't have much in the way of basic intuition when it comes to expected and/or preferred reactions. I do have to be told. My parents are both normal and high functioning people, but my mom never played any games. She always said whatever she wanted and talked clearly, so whenever I started getting into relationships with women I thought that was the normal baseline behavior. Turns out it was not, or at least not in the case of everyone I dealt with. I think your content is helping a lot of people. I sent this video to my wife and she watched the whole thing. A lot of people just think they're weird (which is true) and/or defective, but don't know why or what it's called, or that there are other people out there with the same exact issue.
Thank you!! It now makes sense!! My BF says all
The time, you have to TELL me. It’s almost like he’s pleading with me 😩😩😩. I feel bad bc I’m a brat and want him to know what I want and to read my mind but that’s CLEARLY not happening here!!
I have some growing in the communication area and I’m grateful to him for making it plain and easy to digest his needs. I just have to BELIEVE him and not add what I think he needs..😳!
It’s going on 3 years and we have had some drug out heavy discussion 😅 but we are better afterwards bc we really want to learn each other at the end of the day!
Thanks for sharing..! Wishing you all the best!
Perfect description of my 35 year marriage …It’s a solo life especially when kids are gone and work force no longer wants you.
Hello and thanks for your comment. It is so important to find other ways to connect with people. Find a group with similar interests like a book Club, hiking group, coffee club….whatever works for you. Also, come on over to my private Facebook group (Neurodiverse Relationships with Jodi Carlton) where you can talk to others with similar experiences (including autistic men and women). It helps to know you aren't alone!
@@JodiCarlton❤
Same here.he was a serious workaholic and I wasn't able to see my loneliness was because he couldn't converse w me.very very lonely. But I always had girl friends to make up for it.
@@alcummins4035 My self esteem was shattered as I was raised by an abusive rage full father and a childish mother. My trauma wound with a mother was worse and kept me from trusting woman or always attracting narcissistic woman for friends as our the marriage progressed. I spent too much time with my daughter being the focus and object of my love. Being super sensitive doesn’t help 😐. Female friends are so important - kudos to you!
Autistics ARE very emotional, their emotions just differ. You can't box them into the criteria of typical emotions.
Well said, and so true! We ARE deeply emotional and deeply empathetic individuals, we just don’t always express it in ways that others might expect or understand. :)
Not boxing in...seeking to help NTs understand. Also, my clients haven't reported having "different" emotions...but rather a different (and rather limited) vocabulary for describing them. This results in confusion for both partners, and the appearance of a narrower range of emotion to an NT who will usually have a large vocabulary of "emotion" adjective.
@@JodiCarltonit's asynesthesia. You can very poorly understand your own emotions. And sometimes experience them at a very later time. Even basic things like hunger, thirst or going to the toilet get abnormally delayed by your brain
If they are emotional, where are the emotions?
"If they are emotional, where are the emotions?"
The emotions are at the same place where the emotions of a mute person,
or of you.
Thank you for your video,Jodi. My whole life has been lived in a masked state. The only way that I can function in the neurotypical world is by adopting what I describe as appropriate "roles". As an early teenager I was fortunate enough to have joined a drama school and the two wonderful ladies who ran it advised me to watch other people to gather clues about how so called "normal" people act. This has resulted in some very "bad behaviour" on occasion due to my wanting to fit in and be accepted by my contemporaries. I'm now nearly 70 and still struggle with the feeling that I will never be a proper, grownup, real person. Be well.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! Many neurodivergents really enjoy theater or acting classes for the same reasons you stated. I want you to know that you are a proper grown-up just being you - there are people who do not understand you because you aren't like them (and they expect you to be), but that doesn't make you any less of a real person! I know it isn't easy, but you be well knowing you are supposed to be you just as you are!
Even before I got married I was labeling things in my mom’s fridge. Afterwards she took the labels out. 😂 But I think my husband loves the labels and more recently I got some organizers from Target for our kitchen utensils because our house is really old and only has three drawers. I have been spending at least half of the summer organizing all of those. Now I got some fridge mats from Temu and put them on the left side and relabeled all the fridge. I am so proud of myself and my husband for keeping it organized. Even though our marriage can be hard because of our mental health issues, I think they can also compliment or supplement each other. God will put you with the right person. Keep praying and searching for the help you need. Bless you all dealing with such a hard thing. Continue learning. Knowledge is power.
I’m about to celebrate my one year anniversary. My husband and I have been through a handful of counselors already. I thought I was going crazy and felt like my husband just hated me or something. The other day I started researching Aspergers and it’s like a lightbulb has been turned on. I continued researching and I truly believe that my husband fits the category for Aspergers. There’d been a number of times that I shared something with him hurtful from my past and his response was to change the subject. Heartbreaking for me, but equally as confusing. He is unable to empathize and seemed so self focused. We had some people over one evening and the conversation was moving along without involvement from my husband. When he finally spoke up he started to talk about something we’d discussed about a half joe or so prior as if we were still talking about that topic. It was bizarre and confusing. Everyone is always telling me how much my husband loves me but what you described has been happening so I felt unloved and maybe even silently resented because of his inability to reciprocate empathy, and two way communication, or even just communication at that. I’m thinking back to so many things now that just make sense now. This really opens my eyes and heart to feel more patient and understand and not take his lack of, what I would think of appropriate involvement, so personal. I feel like this knowledge is going to save our marriage. I’d love to be able to talk to you or someone about this. I had no idea how to bring this up to my husband but I did and he was receptive and agreed with the signs. His brother has Aspergers as well. Is this genetic? I have so many questions. Thank you for this video. I have hope again.
Hi Charity. I'm glad this video was helpful to you and maybe it's providing some answers - I'd like to personally invite you to my free coaching group on Facebook: facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
No...had to end my 20 years of turning over and going to sleep because we could not have adult discussions. It never changes and you will find yourself changing everything about yourself to fit what he needs. 20 years later you won't even recognize yourself.
@Linda Lowther - it’s because you are very frustrated because deep inside you know he will never get better and you will always feel alone and misunderstood.
@Visto che - since I married him I stopped dancing, going to parties, having visitors in my home, having nice conversations... is sad
You have been fortunate to have found the reason for the problems you are having early. I've been married for well over 30 years before I had any idea my husband has AS. My daughter who is a school teacher finally made the connection and it has helped knowing as you don't take things as personally but both the kids and I have felt unloved and hurt by his behaviour.
It's almost relieving to hear these videos. I've brought this up to my husband and after processing he's agreed to watch a video. I literally saw him processing what he was watching. So in order for this marriage to continue I told him I needed him to go get assesed. He told me to go get the divorce papers he'll sign them. Super hard to hear since we do love each. I just can't continue to stay in this emotionally unhealthy environment 💔
I'm curious what he think getting assess would mean? You might share with him that when I evaluate a couple, you are BOTH assessed. The focus on how you are different from one another versus how either of you is different from the rest of the world. I'd love to help you.
It is difficult for someone on the spectrum to hear from someone (like a wife) that there is something terribly wrong with him. He's been himself his entire life. Go to a support group for yourself to learn about it first. The best is if he can go to a group for ASD, so he can hear the common themes. If. in group, he does recognize his deficit, he will want to improve his life (even if it is for selfish reasons first) . If he has a heart, he will want to include your marriage in the improvements. If not, tell him to go get the divorce papers, since he doesn't want to work on the marriage and you do. If he doesn't get the papers, go on with your life as if you're not married.
Yes, I asked mine to continue counseling and he didn't want to work on the communication and social parts of our marriage so I left after 17 years of us functioning independently with no relationship time. I'm at peace with the decision.
My son (3 years old) has been "different" from birth. He has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's which led me down the rabbit trail of research so that I can be helpful to him. In the process of that, I'm thinking, "This all sounds just like my husband. Hmm...". Now I am convinced that he was created neurodiverse. I'm very attracted to the fact that he has a strong frame of mind. He is very concrete, protective and direct. On the other hand, that narrowness of an emotional range, obsessive tendencies, difficulty connecting has been hard on our marriage. I want to be helpful to him. I also want to stop being hurt by reactions that I don't understand.
Even if you understand why your ASD husband is callous or indifferent, it will not replace your needs. That is the elephant in the room that the therapist seems to avoid addressing. There is an element of grieving in knowing that your husband will never be able to use intuition from the heart.
That element of grieving has been present with the husband ever since he noticed he's different too@@icvideos1621
I had that with a partner. He was very unresponsive when I had been sick for 3 days with pneumonia. He wanted to know why I wasn't doing any housework why I wasn't making meals why the house was not clean when I was so sick. And when I told him I was sick and try to explain this he just could not see how that was justifiable and not doing my daily chores. Needless to say after five years of this also with no sex and lack of affection and communication, I moved out one day when he was at work. Ended up getting my own place I never look back there's so many instances where he could have tried to understand us but chose not to so I felt the best course from they was to leave
While my husband was driving me to hospital one Sunday night with a searing case of UTI, he got huffy when I missed seeing the turn-off into the hospital, then sat and read his phone beside me the whole time while I was weeping in agony ..... Wishing you much peace and contentment in your new life Jaja Sang xo
@@irenemacfadyen3316 Wow...I can relate to that! When something happens to them,, it's a never ending story! Hope things get better for you! ;)
Seems like someone needs to get something off their chest
Jaja - Is almost unbelievable that they can’t understand something that a 7 year old perfectly understands. When they are sick and can’t do their chores, is because they think they are special? I’m happy you moved on. He was an aspergers with a frosting of narcissism
Sounds like a jerk. Aspergers or not.
😂 I love the toxic neurotypical traits being excused as "human," while healthy communication and being asked to take an autistic partner's needs into account is seen as "alien."
Hi Sarah. I think perhaps you’ve misunderstood my message here so I’d like to clarify. It is my autistic clients who have self identified as feeling alien - not me describing them as alien. Many autistic individuals have told me they feel like a human being in the world that’s not their kind of human. They describe feeling like an outsider in their own skin. Also, toxic traits are destructive no matter your neurotype. Both autistic and non-autistic individuals can be toxic and damage relationships. I’ve worked with many autistic people who are being abused in relationships. This channel, and my entire career, is dedicated to helping us all understand each other better by first understanding ourselves No person, neurotype, personality, etc. is better or worse than the next.
@@JodiCarltonI’m sorry that I wasn’t clear. We feel like aliens because we are seen as weird for such things as being honest, believing that “mind reading” is not useful as a communication strategy, and not understanding the importance of recognizing that “how are you,” and “we should get together sometime” both pretty much mean “I don’t want to talk to you.” If autistic children could be raised seeing these as cultural differences rather than being shamed for healthy communication, we would all be better off.
Thanks for sharing more of your perspective. I agree that we have to do a better job of teaching all the different parts of communication that affect the actual meaning of the words.
Please do a video about how to recognize the difference in Asperger's and covert narcissism or if someone has BOTH. My husband was diagnosed with Asperger's and although these 5 traits you talk about are difficult, it is narcissistic traits that make me feel hopeless. Thanks for your expertise. Very helpful!
He cant help himself. Its not his fault.
OH MY GOD this was my ex!!
@@umerjavednisar It is their fault if they know for certain they have a neurological deficit, such as ASD, and not find out how it effects the majority (especially their loved ones), who are NT.
Watch Dr Grande
@@icvideos1621 I don't see why neurodiverse people have to always be accommodating to nts? Asd can simply be a neurotype, not even a disorder. I'm assuming that you meant that a nd person should simply try their best to get help so that they can be kind and respectful towards any and all people around them, if that is what you meant, then I agree with you
Just now realizing my narcissistic ex is actually on the spectrum.....
I have a quiz that can help you determine the difference. www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/5e04df9cb2378a0014eb88d9
Rp Mcmurphy that’s what I was wondering. He had these symptoms but I still think there’s some narcissism in there. Just because of how he acted towards me. Purposely mean, and always trying to gain control.
Big difference between an ASD and a narc is ASD seek connection but fail. They want it and cant have it usually.
Narcs dont seek connection, why connect with someone beneath you? They only seek supply (attention/worship).
An ASD will hurt you out of ignorance. A narc will hurt you for his own pleasure and to keep your self esteem low so he can manipulate you.
Therein lie the critical differences.
Funny you said this because I thought the same thing about my x. Starting with he is a narcissist. And now thinking hmmm maybe he is on the spectrum.
SAME
These comments are eye opening for me as a very late diagnosed woman. I gave up almost 30 yrs ago of having relationships as I knew I wasn't good at them.
My previous partners mothers would comment and disparage my behaviors to their sons. I had no idea what they meant when telling me i needed to take care of them. Beyond my comprehension and capabilities. I didn't even know what i was missing.
Im now with someone like myself and never happier.
I’m so glad you found your person and happiness! Boyfriend’s moms who think you should take care of their sons are considerably dysfunctional though so I’d say you likely dodged a disaster!
@@JodiCarlton thank you. So true! One thing to note coming from an ASD woman. The feelings inside of us rarely show on the outside. I recommend to your subscribers to look at Neurodiverse love languages. They are quite different than NT. Parallel play, penguin pebbling, info dumping. And the best and most treasured for myself to receive is truth. My current partner is truthful and that stunning truthfulness was breathtaking living amongst NTs.
Thank you and yes I need to do a video about ND love language. I recorded a video in 2016 about "How to Know if Someone with Autism Loves You," before these ND love languages were coined, and interestingly, it very much correlates with these. It's great that we're beginning to understand our different brains and ways loving so much more.
My issue with my suspected ASD boyfriend is how he dominates conversation. He's had a new job opportunity reecently (his dream job) and although I am so insanely proud of him and happy for him, I have been absolutely bombarded with the subject. In a 4 hour conversation, I am not exaggerating, I get maybe 40 seconds to talk about myself/my day.
Hello and yes this could be a neurodivergent trait called perseveration. It’s like getting a jingle stuck in your head. The brain gets stuck on a topic and stays there. Oftentimes an individual has no awareness of the passage of time and no intent to dominate or control the conversation. It’s important to be direct and tell him how proud you are but that you’d like to switch topics for a bit.
This sounds familiar 🤔...oh, yes. 🙋My hubs.
Thats about what it takes with me and mine. I do t even realize I'm doing anything wrong. It caused a few problems until i figured out what it was I was doing. Now that iv had time to work it out I know what patterns to look for. I still do it sometimes but not nearly a much and when I do neither of us gets mad over it
You should tell him that it is too much, as it is happening. I have seen my daughter do this with her aspie husband. When discussing this with them both my son-in-law sais he feels obliged to continue talking until someone either stops him or diverts the conversation to another topic.
Omg. Yep!
This described my partner perfectly. It's like you know him Jodi! Thank you....it helps me understand him more.
I'm glad this was helpful! Are you in my free coaching group on FB?facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
Hello again. I will be releasing my first book about neurodivergent relationships in 2023 and am interested in including your quote about the content in this video. Your username or identity will not be published. Please contact us at gethelp@jodicarlton.com to authorize the use of your comment. Please include your username and the above comment in the email. Thank you!
I've been married for 33 years. I've always known my husband marches to his own beat, but it's only in the last year or so that it hit me he may be on the spectrum. I've done some reading on the subject, and just watched your video and found myself nodding along to nearly everything you touched upon. While we have a good relationship, it is rather lonely most of the time. It helps having an answer to his sometimes bizarre and confusing behavior, but also despair in knowing there isn't a thing I can do about it.
Hello! I'm glad you've discovered my channel, and a possible answer about your marriage. You can't change the neurodiversity, itself, but the framework is huge, and can make a big difference in the meaning of things. It can help to reduce misunderstandings and miscommunication. Learn as much as you can!
@@JodiCarlton thank you. I feel like I've just scratched the surface of this though. And since the epiphany of this, I have attempted to react to him differently, with a more mindful purpose, but it can be difficult. He also had a major health issue this year, and while he recovered well, he was nearly ruthless in his therapy and so driven to overcome. I had to rein him back sometimes, reminding him that Rome wasn't built in a day (which of course he didn't relate to very well). But as I get older, his meltdowns are harder for me to handle. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him as he gets triggered easily these days. I want to set up an appointment with you sometime, just for me.
@@freeandhappybumblebee I just responded to your other comment with some resources for you!
How is it going? I have felt alone in a relationship with someone I didn't know was autistic and I am wondering if it's ever possible to feel emotional connection with them or are they not capable?@@rocksolidimages70
Also ponder this you go through life feeling everything. Yet you are constantly told that everything you feel is wrong.
So you only show the emotions that don’t get you reprimanded
And then people criticize you for masking. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Asperger here and I'm ok with breaking routine but what kills me is the lack of planning and anticipating all possible outcomes and be ready for them. Sensory collisions are a real thing, and get worst with stress, exhaustion, etc. Also, my chaos is organized. Understand that. It's very rigid and every pile has a purpose not to be messed with. Linear thinking is also what defines us. I feel bad that I submitted my wife and family to this. I didn't know I was different until almost a decade into our marriage and it explains so much... If only I had known before...
Thanks for sharing your experience! Wouldn't we all love to know what we didn't know about so many things! You know now...so keep learning and growing!
Finally! Finally we have started taking into the consideration that not all men and women work the same. Many of us are weird enough to have lots of trouble in our lives but we are successful enough that the medical community sighs in relief that they don't have to work with us. Since I got aware of what and where to look I realized way more people are having autism, ADHD, narcissism, etc.
I'm glad you are getting some affirmation and validation! Yes, the medical community has no idea what to do with the successful, but different.
Is it just me, or does it seem as if the number of people on the spectrum/or high IQs have increased tenfold since the days of Einstein, Mozart, Tesla, Van Gogh, etc.?
THANK YOU! Everything makes so much more sense now. I have learned how to deal with my husband's "unique behaviors" (aka everything you just mention). And never really thought more of it. Now I can understand him more, and help him, myself and our relationship. Thank you. ❤
I'm 100% convinced that I have the formerly named Aspergers variety of Autism. I had to figure this out pretty much on my own at close to age 50, with the help of RUclips's very repetitive suggestions. After finally learning what makes my brain work differently, I am also 98% convinced that my husband has a similar but yet different set of Autistic traits. The special focus interests, the rigid and somewhat black-and-white thinking patterns, the self-focused line of thought, the difference in language processing, the tantrums that are probably better described as autistic meltdowns, the oddball sense of humor that I can relate to at almost every moment... He's extremely intelligent and quite articulate most of the time, and he's often misunderstood by others who haven't yet considered that there may be autism involved. We both show symptoms of chronic PTSD as well (thanks again to RUclips's persistent suggested video topics for revealing this condition). Plus, knowing that autism is hereditary, while hearing stories about his father, whom I barely knew before he passed away, I can see that the proverbial "nut" didn't fall far from that tree. I do hope he will get interested enough about this neurodevelopmental condition that has impacted my entire life so that he might recognize which descriptions resonate with him... or at least those that he would recognize in his father.
I'm so glad that you are getting clarity from the wealth of information that is now available online! I hope your husband has a desire to learn, as well. The framework is SO helpful in understanding how we're all different from one another - it bridges the gap for connection.
@JodiCarlton He does have a thirst for knowledge and for learning how things work (that's a trait, too), but first, he must get interested enough to seek it out.
With intent to spark his curiosity, I frequently speak enthusiastically--
"I learned [this-and-that] about how my brain works differently!"
"[Such-and-so habit, routine, etc] seems like I would benefit from trying it. So, I started trying to [practice skills and survival techniques], and I notice it's getting easier to [remember stuff, come back from dysregulation sooner, etc.]"
He did recently mention watching a video about a woman with autism who has hyper-receptive hearing that sometimes feels painful. (Yep, I do too!) And he said he hadn't realized how much discomfort and/or pain that happens to some of us who can feel sound. I had him place his hand on the speaker when he was playing some music so he could feel the impact of sudden sound vibrations -- the thump of a bass drum, the "power chord" of the lead guitarist, and such -- and I asked, "Can you imagine constantly feeling that in your head for ordinary everyday sounds all day long without letup?" I think he understood why I often ask to turn the volume down. I realize I will have to keep reminding him from time to time, especially in confined spaces (in the car, inside the house). And now, he shows more understanding when I mention it.
🤗
@@rebeccamay6420 keep educating him! I’m glad to hear he’s listening. ❤️
this was absolutely SPOT ON when it comes to my 2 year relationship. this explains so much, THANK YOU!
You are so welcome!
4 months, and I figured it out. I ended it.
First off, thank you for validating the experiences of our partners, because I know I can be an intense or difficult to read person for my longterm girlfriend. I know she gets hit by the sharp corners that you're walking through here.
On emotional experience, I have different way of describing my emotional experience (and have recently gained a much better toolbox of words to help me describe it). I don't actually disagree with any part of your core concept of emotions often feeling to others like they might be in a very narrow range, but I self-describe this in my own head as "having a much wider emotional range". I think of it kind of like a color gradient and the wider that gradient is means it takes a lot longer for me to feel any "change of color". Or using some of the new words I have 😂the experience of alexithymia may mean that I'm not experiencing my own gradual changes of emotions very well and it's not until that emotion may be much stronger than expected that is "suddenly" bubbles up. And this can be any emotion positive or negative, once I start laughing I am also almost always at the point of crying laughing, grief or sadness isn't super apparent to me until I'm just crying, I don't really feel much anger until I also feel adrenaline kick things up a notch. But from an external point of view I'm certain that I do seem to be rather unemotional or a very limited range of much smaller emotions unless a much bigger feeling comes out.
again, thank you for brining more awareness to this, thank you for centering that our partners emotions are valid.
These are great signs. I run a autism and marriage life coaching business. Me and my husband just started our channel documenting our marriage and becoming first time parents with him having autism and me having lupus.
I would be very careful if you want children because you can pass it on to your children as well so I decided not to have a kid because I don't want them to have it.
@@krazeemetalchickstewart9961 My boyfriend has twin boys and they are wonderful and very intelligent.
From the way you've described it there doesn't appear to be any plus sides to living with someone with autism, only downsides
Hi there. This video addresses some of the challenges that can arise in neurodiverse relationships. If we talked about challenges in typical relationships, it would also sound like there is nothing good that can come out of those. I didn't discuss the upsides in this particular video. There are many! Listen to my podcast interviews (there's a playlist here on my YT channel) for more about both upsides and downsides. :)
For most neurotypical women yes, its a quite negative experience. But i have love inside me as a person. But if I can't convey it the way women want and satisfy all their needs what's the point. Also i wouldn't risk my kids having the same genetic struggles in life. It's better to die alone... .
This sounds like a martini lunch bitch session that I have with my girlfriends. So negative and one sided.
1) They seem to be speaking an entirely different language.
2) If they shut you down - shut you out . They can’t handle differing opinions.
3) Getting the sense that your partner is a emotional brick wall. Limited emotional range.
4) You feel unsupported and they don’t intuitively understand when you need extra help-
They don’t understand you have needs. Results in you feeling unloved and unappreciated.
For instance when you are ill- not understand your need to rest and not keep up all the normal duties you do.
5) Getting upset when their routine is messed with - but having no problem with disrupting yours. ( cute, huh?)
They may have “meltdowns. “ Little empathy ( also cute;)
6) They seem like they are from another planet. ( somewhat cute;)
That summart helped. Thank you :)
I told my husband I need to be asked to go do things in the weekend. His response "We do everything together..." As in laundry etc. I gave him examples and now he asks me to do those 5 things. I am not sure he is ASD. But I suspect
He won't take my needs and expand the context of what I am asking, only apply and respond to the specifics of what I say.
Definitely speaking different languages. I watch for the acts of service to figure out if he still loves me. lol. For example, we had discussed weeks prior that he would need to use the tractor to move something for me for my horses. We had been fighting, he had stormed off and wasn’t speaking to me for the day. I saw him start the tractor, and I said to myself, “if he comes over and moves that thing, it means something”. He did exactly that. When he does little tasks like that on my behalf, it means he loves me. Definitely the most difficult relationship, particularly since he’s such a great man otherwise and I can’t just write him off.
Yes! This is my spouse. For all the counseling we do, he just doesn't seem able to empathize or socialize with people, even in a basic way. My son and I can have a great day, my spouse comes home and it's like an alien is in the room with us. He also often doesn't make eye contact and doesn't always respond when someone is talking to him, even from a few feet away.
Unfortunately, most traditional counselors don't understand how to help couples in neurodiverse relationships - they just aren't trained. I know because I am one (!) and I didn't have the training. I hope you'll join us in my free Facebook coaching group. The link is in the description of this video.
Thank you for your comment. I feel seen.
When we do we end up hurt. So isolation is better
My husband is from another planet, and so am I. Unfortunately it’s not the same planet. Autistic people can come from many different planets, and they don’t always speak the same language. Something adds up, and something don’t. It’s often tremendously hard, but splitting up would be harder for both if us.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It's all about learning how to translate as much as possible. I have really good friends who speak different native languages (Japanese and German), but they speak English to each other even though it's a second language for them both. Neurodivergence is like that.
Same here lol! I have trouble conveying what I mean and he needs my conveyances to be very detailed and specific.
My husband has Aspergers and this describes him very well. Recently we found out there could be a severe reaction in the partner living with a person with Aspergers, that is similar to PTSD and is called OTRS (Ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome) I do suffer by OTRS.
It feels like abuse, right?
@@icvideos1621 Haha, it really effing does. Wtf.
I've been going through it for years. Pretty early on a therapist trained in working with AS/NT couples called it. It was a huge relief to get that validation.
I cried watching this video, 10 years with my husband... My life has turned upside-down... my beautiful organized & clean home has been thrashed in every way because he is so incapable of finishing a task and being aware of how many steps go into things... I FeeL drained and wore out... plus trying to raise kids with him... I am literally living my worse nightmares... The exact opposite of the family & home I wanted to create...
Oh my God, this is me right now. It is horrible
As someone with autism, I struggle not with experiencing emotions, but with expressing them. Emotions are intricate and layered, making it challenging to convey them in just a few words. While neurotypical individuals can describe feelings verbally, those of us on the spectrum find it time-consuming to unpack emotions into words. Instead, we rely on body language and tone for communication. Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstandings, even in romantic relationships. To overcome this, I now focus on actions first and explain afterward, avoiding lengthy pre-explanations. This approach helps me be more efficient and effective.
I have Asperger syndrome. And indeed since I was young I was saying that I'm from another planet. It's very heavy and difficult to analyze in a few seconds, while having a conversation, what the "normal" person is saying and what he or she means in their thinking. In October 2020 my marriage of 23 years ended in divorce. Largely because of my autism. She filed for the divorce. I still can't get used to it. We have three children who still live with her and I sit here like on a desert island, which is my apartment. What I don't think is fair is that people have more empathy for someone with a physical disability than for people like us. Because a physical disability immediately catches the eye. While I am sometimes seen as an annoying person because I sometimes misjudge or misunderstand things. Or indeed speaks a different language. Kind regards.
I've been learning about Autism, and I think my husband has Asperger's, and maybe my dad too (age 84). I've always thought of my husband as different, and tried to accept it - he's a good guy and I love him dearly, but learning about Autism has helped me - understand how he sees things, and not feel hurt or upset, and also see how it's a struggle for him, and how he could easily misunderstand and be misunderstood by other people. I still am trying to learn more, and especially from the perspective of the autistic people.
I think my dad too has autism, and even though i wasn't angry at him, but again learning about autism helped me see things better. I tried to explain autism to my mom but she didn't seem to understand. I know her marriage wasn't easy, but it saddens me that she thinks he doesn't care about her.
I know you're already divorced, but wondering if your ex and your daughters could understand better if they got some good info about autism/asperger's - not only from the neurotypical side, but also from the autistic partner (I found a youtube channel with a couple (one with asperger and the other is neurotypical), and I like their videos though i haven't been able to watch many yet).
I can relate to being misunderstood and misjudged because of an invisible illness (I struggle with invisible physical illness, even doctors don't help) and it hurts so much and feels unfair.
I hope some things get better for you. I truly wish you the best.
@@ansamgroshong Thanks for the nice answer. Unfortunately, my wife never made any effort to do a little more research on autism. She didn't care. I was just an annoying person in her eyes. Kind regards. Pierre-Paul.
Hello! We have a private coaching FB group that answers questions, offers support for NT and ND partners, and offers information about additional support. You can find us at facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship We'd love to help however we can.
Hello, if you would like additional support, Spectrum Relationships has a private support FB page where you can ask questions and get additional information. We'd love to have you. facebook.com/groups/aspergersrelationship
This vid is probably very good for normal people, but for me being on the spectrum I feel sad being described as a handicapped person. Yes I feel and think differently but I am highly aware (masking) about that most of the people around me are the normal ones and I better behave so they keep being happy otherwise I‘ll get punished in one or another way. Welcome to world of autism.
I've never felt more seen. Married 16 years to a man on the spectrum who was only recently screened (still not diagnosed). SoOo many years wasted on painful misunderstandings...
But now you have a new framework and can start the journey of connecting through a totally new way of communicating and understanding.
Like what memory
I'm confused. I've been working with a psychologist, and my cousin is also a psychologist.
Both think that my partner is on the spectrum, but I cannot broach this with him without him feeling like I am blaming him for our communication issues (something he firmly believes is my fault). From my understanding, this will mean that it is entirely up to me to shift my life and behaviour in line with his. It is already so incredibly exhausting to try and accommodate his needs and I feel like my needs are rarely met because of this.
Hi Samantha. So many partners have similar thoughts as you but I do not believe it’s on you to shift and change your entire life to accommodate him. Not at all. Yes it is critical to learn about his behaviors from within the neurodiverse framework but there are ways to approach and discuss this with him that was likely to feel blaming and confrontational. Please watch my other videos and listen to the podcast playlist for more advice about this.
Thanks Jodi, I will try.@@JodiCarlton
Oddly, I've had failed relationships over my "difficulty" coming up with the right responses to people, or being able to block bad actors in my social circle. I'm currently in a relationship with someone else on the spectrum and surprisingly, neither of us feels lonely about the other but we felt lonely around the ex's and our ex's felt lonely around us. We acknowledge there are times when one of us is working too hard or being able to disconnect from our perseverations but we feel confident and assured about the support we have for one another. Others tend to drop body language signals to communicate and expect it to have the same certainty and validity as spelling it out. We never have problems communicating but then again, we don't use vague channels either. The feeling about NT communication is that it's very vague,/ambiguous or hinted at and it feels like a game we don't have all the rules for. I sometimes think I understand and I'm lead on into thinking I do by others unlike us but it feels very dishonest and betraying of trust. So if trust doesn't seem ready or appear ready, that's a signal we usually refuse to send.
Hi John. I’m so glad you shared your perspective. The vague aspect of body language is certainly a frustration for most autistic individuals like yourself. It’s true that neurotypicals often struggle with the vague cues, as well, particularly if verbal communication is not concise. Nonverbal language exists, though, as a shortcut in communicating quickly and efficiently much in the same way that animals use their bodies to communicate. As humans we have the ability to further clarify using verbal language. Although being assertive and concise is certainly beneficial in many circumstances, it can also be problematic. The same is true for passive, vague communication. The problem lies at the extremes when an individual doesn’t know when and where it is most beneficial to be assertive or passive and uses the same style in most situations. Some people are fearful of being assertive due to backgrounds of being punished or minimized. I’m glad you’ve found a partner that is more aligned with you (and you her)! That is truly what we all need to seek in relationships - someone who fits us - instead of trying to make someone more like us.
@JodiCarlton Thank you for that set of insights. There could be more body language we use than we are even aware of. I guess the one take away is to temper expectations for directness with understanding a person's background which seems fair given how often we also "shutdown". It may seem all ir nothing but halfway is one alternative to check our comcern. Believe me, we often do but have difficulty getting aware of and responding with it using a similar "channel". That's a skill we need some leniency with and one we can megatiate a little ir counter provide. We tend towards fairness. Although ti be more fair here.l, I did mention we never have communication issues but that is an approximation of course. We have "some" level of difficulty but it's also an easier issue to resolve is what I should clarify there. There are also plenty of times that I "feel"/intuit that NTs do a very good job communicating to us and we try to reciprocate.
All I can say right now is thank you.... because this answers so many of my questions and helps to solidify a diagnosis that I thought may have been wrongly concluded but I believe that it is most likely autism. I wish these things had been explained to me a long time ago. Awesome video ♥️
I'm glad this video helped you! Please consider joining our FB group for support www.spectrumrelationships.com/facebook-group-post
Dear Jodi,
many many thanks for your video! You really address the core subject of our interaction in a most brilliant and absolutely adequate way. I can relate to everything you say, because you really hit the spot: everything you say I see completely the same way.
I live with someone who is, let's say, on the other side of the spectrum. We're together since 28 years, about 10 years ago I suggested getting married and we did. On a daily basis, we work on our relationship, to comprehend the other, and if not get closer to each other, than at least stay very close.
Everything you say makes so much sense to me. One of us is on the spectrum, the other so-called "neurotypical". Everything you say perfectly fits with my experiences and you describe it better than I ever could: many many thanks, also for reassuring me.
The only thing that somehow troubles me, is the fact, that everything you describe about my partner fits, but she's the so called neurotypical, and me, I'm the freak, who's point of view you perfectly described with your own word so much better than I ever could! .... (aiming at) describing my position, ... spot-on, ... intending to describe my partner's position, ... and I very much guess: you perfectly hit both extremely accurate in a strike, probably unaware, unintentionally, but never the less profound.
Yes, I'm the "freak", but I so much could very profound and emotionally could relate to all you said, I really almost don't believe it: I am at the time very much puzzled and thankful for you opening my eyes!
Dear Jodi, thank you very much for sharing! I think from now on, I'll approach my partner with a different view, or I'll least hope so.
Please keep up your good work, looking forward to your next post, love, your's Charles
Charles, I'm really glad this was helpful to you! I want to emphasize, though, that you are NOT a freak. No one with autism is a freak. You are simply wired you're own way due to your genetic make-up and neurology. There are many, many others like you. Come on over and join my free coaching group on Facebook. There are other men and women with autism in there who are in on the conversation. The link is in the description of this video.
Im a young woman in the spectrum and I dated a guy on the specrtum. I didnt find him very sensitive or understanding and we didnt last long. Ive had better luck with nero typicals.
Thanks for your comment. I've found that AS/AS relationships are not always successful as you've experienced. My own daughter, who is AS, prefers NT friendships.
Men on the spectrum don't even have that choice. Lol
when an Aspergers person will talk to you and ramble on about their fav topic ad nauseum, but then can't or won't even reciprocate your text message with even a simple " OK "- that's frustrating!
Yes, it is frustrating for individuals who value and crave 2-way conversation! The rambling is often an outsourcing of thought to anyone who is around to listen versus a conversational exchange. It's uni-directional (conveying thought to others versus receiving responses). So many autistic individuals don't recognize when a reply is desired or warranted because their conversational style is more 1-way. I encourage you to ask for a response that to a specific question. Make sure you are be clear about what you want to know. Vague statements that are not questions will not be interpreted as needing a response.
Oh my goodness this is literally how I feel! Thank you so much for sharing this information. I finally feel like I’m not crazy.
I'm autistic and my ex wife would punish anything that was remotely autistic. She would pour boiling water on, she also used to mess with my medication. Yes what you're saying is correct about autism, but we don't deserve to be treated like a lesser person.
No one deserves to be abused which is what you’ve described. I hope you are safe now and away from this abuse now!
@dawnherring7071 I have, and they're amazing
Autism usually attracts two kinds of women. BPD psychopaths and nurses/fixers. Well you got the first category which often is more painful
@@keylanoslokj1806 funny you say that, she was an RN. When she messed with my medication she would often use slip on benzodiazopines she stole from work. I have been dealing with health issues for about 3 years from her messing with my medication. I have cPTSD and serious memory issues, additionally, whatever she was messing with also has sterilize me. I had a dream of having a family one day, that has been completely stolen from me.
I'm sure in her head she was a victim and justified because of her feelings. I wish you a prosperous next chapter in your life as a free agent. In the long run you will be better off released from carrying that dead weight.
I can relate so much to shutting down in uncomfortable situations with my wife. Even after time to process, I have to force myself to talk for love of my wife.
Thank you for sharing this!
My husband is exactly what you describe . I’m amazed at myself for having put up with his behaviour , although it isn’t always that bad and he does appreciate everything I do which is pretty much everything to do with the running of a household . He is a hard worker though and has supported us financially . I know he loves me and I do feel loved but his communication & social skills are very limited . His relationship with our two children is quite basic . I’ve done all the hard work with the kids and proud how they turned out but I must admit it’s been a frustrating road .
Hi Dora. I hear and understand your frustration and I want to clarify that these traits are not behaviors but actual differences in how the brain processes interpersonal interactions, language, and communication. Its helpful to understand it as how he’s wired versus how he’s behaving. Thanks for your comment!
That's exactly how I feel
Be glad the kids don't have to carry the unbareable cross of autism. It's an extremely lonely and frustrating life
People In these comments keep confusing their narcissistic spouse with being autistic. The difference is them either having empathy or not. Communication issues are not the same as your spouse lacking empathy. If someone lacks empathy they’re considered dangerous. I’m an aspie and I’m driven by empathy. We do not act indefferent in a relationship unless we have a wall up because someone is taking advantage of us. That or we have to be completely clueless but if you explain what you want from us we have no issue giving it to you.
I agree. It is a common source of confusion. Sometimes mind blindness can feel like gaslighting and lack of empathy. The difference is in the intent. Autistics don’t intentionally manipulate or withhold empathy to control or disempower whereas narcissists do.
It’s such a confusing thing for so many people, I have an entire webinar course with a quiz to help people learn the difference and to identify if their partner is narcissistic or autistic.
Also some autistic men have absorbed incel and misogynistic tendencies, which makes them almost as bad as narcissists to women.
Exactly. They must stop demonising us. They just can't cope with the fact they were attracted to narcissists
I'm 35 and was finally diagnosed with aspergers aver years of being misdiagnosed. After numerous relationships and a failed marriage I've gotten to the point where I've decided to be single from now on. It's too exhausting dealing with women and relationships. For a lot of the reasons you've stated. I don't understand how people need a "person" around all the time when being alone is so much better. I'm not saying I don't like to be social but I MUCH prefer to be alone. You can't have a relationship like that. Women want you around all the time but also get upset because of me being me lol can't win. I still have casual relationships, but I have to be upfront and tell them that it will not be a long term thing. So far, so good I guess.
Hi Mike and thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like the women you've dated had preferences and desires that didn't match yours. Many women prefer less time together and enjoy their own alone time. I understand how exhausted you are, though, because it's hard to find someone who DOES align. You're definitely not alone in that. There's nothing wrong with preferring time alone.
I’m a woman, you may find someone, because I prefer to be alone and don’t want company and hugs all the time. I’m quite independent too.
I believe that there are many "someones" out there honestly. I'm just not going to go look. If it happens, that's dope, but I don't want it so bad that I go searching. It's just not that important. And if I other urges other than companionship, luckily my generation is very well versed and accepting of extremely casual lol but hopefully you've found someone who fits your needs as well. @@wudgee
Wow,you describe my last BF. He was like: I am not doing long term,this is temporary,sex,fun,done. I was OK with that as I got out of divorce,but pretty much immediately figured it out he was on the spectrum and probably would never have something long-term. We had some fun,but I wrapped it up very quickly as I knew emotional attachment was coming (was there already),and he simply wasn't capable or willing to deal with it.
You did the right thing. Took him at his word and made a healthy decision. @@AlphaPhysioPelvicHealth
Autism had made my life onto a living hell the worst part is that you get rejected a lot
Sounds like you've had a very rough time. :(
Very often it isn't easy, nevertheless, I wouldn't want to live without it. It's part of my identity and offers more advantages than disadvantages.
I think my husband is. He doesn't know how to express himself and lack some common sense. Does that sound like autism?
@@p.m.5141 For who?
I’m autistic and I found this offensive I’m overly emotional and neurotypicals seem emotionless to me. I like my rituals
Hi Hal. Thank you very much for sharing. Everyone is different, of course, and I've met met quite a few individuals on the autism spectrum who experience emotional extremes - but the vast majority of them have experienced a much narrower range of emotion.
Jodi Carlton alexthimeia, lack of or different affect, and inappropriate behavioral/ emotional pairings does not equate to a lack of range but an inaccurate/subjective external perspective. “Due to different languages”
@@HAL-mu4ey Hey, I wanted to let you know I have a new group on FB for folks in spectrum relationships. I would love for you to join us! facebook.com/groups/368373463920720/
Jodi Carlton thank you I appreciate the invitation.
@@HAL-mu4ey hey, first want to say I'm glad you joined us in the FB group - your contributions there have been great! :). Alexithymia is a difficulty in having the words to describe or label emotions or feelings (like you said "different languages.") It's interesting to me that neurotypicals seem emotionless to you - I've never actually had anyone with autism express that to me (out of hundreds). I'd like to hear more about that! Always curious to learn more. Please share with us in the group.
I feel like I don't deserve to be loved by anyone as someone who is autistic. I feel like my presence alone is unwanted 😔 I can't find the affection that people deserve
Everyone deserves to be loved. Autism is no reason not to be loved. People don’t always understand autistic individuals so it creates confusion for everyone. Love is also not defined the same be everyone. Don’t give up.
I wish you the best, I’d say just be open and honest with whom you’re dating. If my partner was to tell me that they even wish they could understand my heart would soften even in moments of me feeling alone…
Best of luck ❤
One day early on in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I expressed to him calmly but tearfully the wall that I felt I was facing between he and I within our relationship. He got up from the dining table, calmly, gathered his dinner plate and slowly paced over to the other side of the table where I was sitting, looked down at me with a blank look on his face, and said to me “this can’t happen again“. Then very robotically, he continued to walk away and put his dishes into the kitchen sink. Then he left the room and walked right by me. I can’t even describe the chills that went down my spine. I was caught between disbelief and wanting to run for my life.
So three months ago I had a massive depressive episode along with a relationship breakup where I hadn’t noticed I had basically not been 100% attentive to my lovely fiancée also I hadn’t addressed a financial issue with her properly….
I have a “quirky” yet fun way… I have always tested as an INTP-A / enneagram 5w4/6…
I have been to my doctors and am being tested/reviewed for Cyclothymia and High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s…
Suddenly this week I have accepted that yes I have always felt different and yes I go into regular hypermanic states and depression and but that I may also have ASD traits…
This video has started me looking at what usually kills my relationships..
This is a very interesting and informative video can’t wait to watch your other content
I hope you continue to get some clarity.
I'm autist. Being an autist is like being a foreigner in a strange country. It's like living in an environment which is entirely weird to me, being around weird people, even my own family, and I will never get completely used to it, even after a lifetime. And I'm just as weird to them.
Being married to an autist is like being married to a foreigner who grew up in an entirely different culture and language.
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective! This aligns with how other autists have described to me feeling like aliens that look like humans but are a different species from a different planet. We all need to learn to acknowledge our differences and to work to understand each other (instead of making one more like the other).
I am in my 40th year of marriage with an Asperger’s man. He was diagnosed 3 years ago. It really helped me to forgive him for our past because I now understand that he couldn’t help most of the things he has done. It is so very hard being married to an Asperger’s person. Our life was not normal nor was it fun. He was very inappropriate most of the time. I love him very much but phew this is a hard lonely life.
I'm male that was in a relationship with a woman that "fits the description" but was never formally diagnosed. She checks all the boxes and it was a nightmare of a relationship. Going into it I thought she was a sweet shy woman but after spending a couple years and many events and happenings later I'm sure she's on the spectrum. It's to the point that if I meet a woman and I see any signs or know she's on the spectrum I will never move forward with that relationship. It sounds harsh but I've seen and read so many material on this subject and the traits are so consistent such that I'm confident if I meet another woman on the spectrum I'll run into the same issues again.
"hold fast" (1Thessalonians 5 :21)
You haven't experienced true loneliness. Loneliness that would make even demons cry. You are just dramatising his short comings and your imperfect empathy
Mine is a totally different person around others, so he knows exactly what he is doing. Asperger's is not an excuse for abuse.
There is a real truth. Thank you. It would be a disservice not to tell people to avoid NAT-NT marriages. They are lonely and rarely work out. You are right. it is extremely lonely, no matter what anyone would like to have us believe. There are common deficits in NATs and that is why they can be recognized and diagnosed! It is a real thing.
Nailed it. I am pretty sure my most recent bf has this.
Thank you dr Carlton. Same here. Only my husband is getting more and more with aggressive response with age and his health deteriorates (eyes, allergy, sensitivity, digestion) but he refuses to admit his asperger syndrom as was stated by our therapist. He admits asd from time to time when he is in deep meltdown and verbak abusive, then regrets, then reads some articles, admits, but when we are on a “normal circle” he starts to mask again. “I am actually normal”. His masking was so good because I was able to back him in social and family life until I was exhausted at age of 45 and thought something is wrong. Isolated in a foreign country (his), no family or close friends, interrupted career, having on my shoulders the house and children and schools took me to a deep burnout. Trying now to figure out what to do with his masking, his honesty, goodness, black and white, abusive reactions etc etc
Hello. I hear the exhaustion in your words and I have a few brief thoughts for you. I first want to emphasize that you need to take care of yourself and stop taking care of him at your own expense. Spend some time figuring out how to replenish yourself and love yourself. It's not as important that he accepts a diagnosis - you can know it without him having to "admit" it. Ultimately you want your life to improve (if you can get that without him admitting the diagnosis, that's what you want to focus on). Look at individual behaviors and determine which ones are the priority to address (safety risks, financial risks, etc.) and which ones you can let go - they may still be annoying. His abusive reactions may be due to overwhelm and and an inability to know what or how to handle situations. Learn when to approach him with a difficult topic (if he's overloaded, you'll get a meltdown 100% of the time, so why approach him whe he's overloaded?). Walk away when he's melting down - leave him to get his emotions back under control. He's going to mask - we all mask and it's important that we mask (it's the way we filter the raw thoughts and feelings that we all have without saying them out loud!). Hope that helps.
One thing I notice with my husband is if I tell him I need X, especially if it is a physical act. He will do that 100% but won't extrapolate it to anything else.
This is called "generalizing" from one context to another - it is a challenge for many neurodivergent individuals.
The wider range of emotions you detailed so wonderfully are actually overwhelming to us. The traffic jam you spoke of (re: disagreements) is akin to a 🧱 sensation. Also, I have to ask people to tell me things using direct communication because, well, I suck at indirect. I only wish I had known I have this YEARS ago. It's like going through life with nobody really understanding you, why you do certain things with such insane attention to detail while completely shunning other things of no interest, etc. I could on and on. It's like being an alien amongst the human race. It can be quite lonely. Thanks for your video.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I've had so many autistic clients tell me the same thing about feeling like an alien in the human race. You really are NOT alone, though. My mission is to help translate neurotypical for autistic and vice versa so we can all start truly understanding each other!
@@JodiCarlton See? You gave me a heart. The Aspy interpretation is you want to get married and have 6 babies together. I need to think about it long enough to say...gotcha. Ty for the heart tho. )))
@@RavishingBeyond LOL! You're welcome....and this made me smile! I was just saying in my FB coaching group that the term "love" has so many different meanings. It's important to CLARIFY with our partner what it means to each of you. You have just reminded me that a "heart" has different meanings, as well. Appreciate you!
I think this is my dad. I wish there was more on Aspie parents. There is SO little info out there.
Yup I think it’s my dad too. But no one in my family wants to recognize this. Even though one of my nephews has autism (not Aspie). For me when I started to understand my dad from an Aspie perspective has made it much easier to communicate and understand him
Not all people on the spectrum are visual thinkers. Temple Grandin (the first person to make this claim) had to retract this finding she made in her book thinking in pictures. She later found that there are many people on the spectrum that do not think in pictures at all. This is stated in her new book called the Autistic brain, chapter 7 'rethinking in pictures'. The labels she uses are visual thinking, pattern thinking and word thinking and claims that there is a variety of thinking styles for people on the Autism spectrum.
Thank you for your comment! Yes! We are learning more and more over time about the neurodiverse brain!. I actually talked with Temple about the different types of thinking a few months ago in a videocast. You can watch that here: ruclips.net/video/WJSNL-rGsg4/видео.html
@@JodiCarlton Woah that's great. Must have been a very special moment. She is very inspirational. It was also very humbling when she admitted what she first said about visual thinking and autism was wrong. Shows her innate search for the truth, without ego.
@@86sineadw I've met with her a few times now and I've never seen a sliver of ego. She's a truly remarkable human being.
I suspect this is my son who has shut off from friends and family. He does have PTSD since his brother was killed 10 years ago but his strange behaviour started before this. He is 43. His phone is switched of and he won’t tell me his address. He lives with his girlfriend who has ADHD and I do know the street but not the house number. His mail comes to me but he doesn’t collect it. I feel angry and very hurt ( we have never had a fallout) but since researching Autism I feel compassion. This is helping keep me keep sane. Everyday I pray he will come and see me or even phone.
Some of this material is great. Some is very close to encouraging severe gaslighting manipulation and abuse. In particular that attempting to be diagnosed is a mistake. If professionals do not see it, am i then supposed to instead believe my wife when she says i can't feel her pain, I lack empathy, I am the source of all our marital issues and I have to disbelieve my own perception of reality because i am wrong and she is right. That is the very definition of gaslighting.
I've dated a few autistic men. I needed this video.
yes, yes, yes yes, yes. I am just now figuring out what's gone on the whole time; ONLY those who have lived with those men (or women) could know. Everybody who is married to an aspie is parroting the EXACT SAME THINGS. No doubt now. None.
We are all singing with the choir, our song, which those who haven't experienced it do not know the music to.
Yep...20 years of this bullshit and I have an Aspie daughter too.
example?
@@michellemyers4043 So your daughter is a continuation of the "bullshit"?
Wow, as a person with autism, I find it quite offensive how you are lumping all individuals with this particular disability all in one as the same! What group would you like to insult next, people with cerebral palsy? To quote Tony Atwood, “if you’ve met one person with asperger’s, you’ve met one person with asperger’s.” Not sure what your married experience was, but I assure you, every person on the spectrum is just as different, as every person who is not on the spectrum, except I’ve never heard an aspie generalize and criticize all nuerotypicals in one like I’ve heard some people on this thread do with respect to aspies. So sad, really for people to write off an entire group of disabled persons! I’m grateful, frankly, for my autism because of my disability, I find it very difficult to judge, reject, bully or write others off in the way that so many nuerotypicals have done to me throughout my life just because I perceive the world differently. And too bad for those who treat people this way because it’s their loss; aspies can be some of the kindest, most empathetic, most honest and genuine people you will ever meet. And frankly, relationships are a two-way street, so you will get nowhere by blaming the relationship problems all on the other person and which is neither true nor fair. So anyway, good luck with that.
high functioning aspie here, just wanted to say I have a super wide range of emotions. maybe I'm in the minority. I feel like my emotions can be quite intense, but definitely not constrained to a limited range. But I've also met ppl who do have narrow emotional channels. Interesting!
Hi Jeremiah. Thanks for sharing. Yes some neurodivergent people like you have very intense emotions that are often hard to regulate. Neurodivergence traits are often at the extremes. Much more or much less.
Yes, this is just not true for high functioning autistic women. This video is about the more known male variation.
makes sense; read about this recently; thanks for sharing@@I_dont_know-wx2bo
Wish we saw more stories of successful people that are in relationships with autistic people and they have gone the distance and are still in successful loving relationships.
They do exist! Have you listened to my podcast? There are quite a few guests who are in neurodiverse relationships and are making it work! There's a playlist here on my channel or you can find it on any major podcast platform "YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship."
I was dating someone who didn't tell me they were neurodivergent, and they don't fully know but suspect they are. I was upset at first over all you discuss but when I had two cats die back to back they were so present. They stayed on the phone with me through it at 1 am on for hours. Both of us cried. Every time I cry over it, he does as well. It made me realize he probably feels things even more intensely and is so sensitive, it just comes out differently. He is consistent and here for me. Unfortunately I fell in love quickly where for him he wasn't there so we are morphing into friends and he has proven to me I chose someone so amazing to love even if it's not returned. I've been watching so many videos as it helps me understand some of his quirks and how he communicates differently.
It's hard to love someone who doesn't have the same feelings in return. Although he may be a wonderful man, be sure to be realistic - don't wait on him based on his "potential." You deserve to be with someone who is ready and who wants to be with you.
I have PTSD and my colleagues joke that I'm autistic. Some of them are actually convinced that I am. (I never told my employer about my PTSD). At times I can seem moody and distant. Easily frustrated with others. I'm approaching middle age so I think losing patience might be as a result of getting older. I will admit that I do have a strong sense of self righteousness. I got tested and am neurotypical. Is it possible that being haunted by my trauma can give off an autistic vibe or are my colleagues gas lighting me?
I didn't see your question in time for my live stream today, but this is a very good question that I want to address live so more people will benefit from it. I'm going to have my assistant put this question on the list for next week's live (Tuesdays at 5pm ET). I hope you can join, or if not, be sure to catch the replay.
Thank you so much for this Video. It clarified a lot for me. The connection part (number6) Is what I struggle with the most with my husband.
Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I am the aspie man in this equation and I really want to try and be a better partner to my girlfriend of 6 years, And your video has helped me a lot in understanding her perspective. I never really realized that I was acting like a brick wall emotionally in any way, but I don’t really know how to change because I just simply don’t understand/don’t have the energy to deal with whatever is going on most of the time. Do you have any tips or videos for people with asd on how to communicate and understand better? Thank you!
Hello, Wilbur. I’m an aspie woman. I thought this video was over-generalizing and came across as very negative and condescending. But I do have a resource recommendation for you that I have found extremely helpful, and that is AANE.ORG. They are a peer-to-peer support organization for adults with asperger’s/autism. They are originally based in the Massachusetts area but since the days of covid, they have gone online and have opened their doors to people everywhere via zoom. They offer virtual game nights and other social activities as well as conferences and seminars on various pertinent topics. From the website you also can request a free 30-minute consultation/referral meeting with one of their specialists. They also have lists of diagnosticians and other resources for support. They offer support groups for aspies, and also for family members. Most things are free and some things are for a very small fee. For instance, an eight-session closed (meaning the same group of individuals for the whole eight sessions) support group costs $80, which i think is reasonable and I am happy to pay, however, they will not turn anyone away for the inability to pay so you can ask for assistance in that if it’s too much for your budget to pay. Some groups of us who met at aane run our own game nights, chat nights, and book clubs unofficially as well as a way to socialize more regularly and get to know one another better as friends, and my little group of friends who get together this way regularly have found this to be extremely beneficial-to have an open, safe, judgement-free place to get together and socialize is just so amazing, and we learn so much from each other about friendship and interacting with others in our own, perfectly okay aspie ways! I love my fellow aspie friends! I hope you will check out AANE.ORG and maybe I will see you there sometime! At any rate, I wish you happiness and all the best of luck!
@@heatherreddick4635 I do not think Aspies can help Aspies to have a better relationship with NT partners. That is like elementary school children trying to teach each other how to drive. If everything were perfectly ok, Jack would not be seeking help. If those with ASD pair up in a relationship, everything might be ok between them, but it is rarely if ever ok between ASD and NT individuals without a diagnosis, admitting and accepting the diagnosis and then working on learning how to cope with each other.
Bravo for you, Jack, for being so willing.
@@icvideos1621 I suppose that in your example the elementary school children is NT people. I find really wholesome that him is trying to make the relationship better, but NT people should definitely listen more to ND.
Would a female hormone pill help deliver emotions to them?
I do love my husband but he is from another planet. He masked very well during our 2 years of dating before marriage. This is a fact, #3. Husband has regular meltdowns while in confrontation. Been called crazy many times by spouse. As warm and even keeled as he mostly is,He has always given me aggravation and hasn't given me basic amount of admiration, affection or understanding. I have not heard a compliment or kind word in 5 years. He is pretty clueless regarding his own behavior. and I do believe he is AUTISTIC/ASPERGERS. He refuses a test, and says he can beat any test. I am willing to be tested but he isn't. Our child is dx autistic so I believe one of us also is, if not both.I am not an easy person to deal with but I am trying. Thanks for video.