You are amazing. I feel so enlightened. I got into a bit of a disagreement with my human, I was frustrated because I didn’t know if he was being dismissive / toxic / manipulative. It’s the same issue every time we have a problem & it’s his lack of communication. The thing is that I’ve always gone back and forth with myself because sometimes I really don’t think he’s understanding…. Then my ego will whisper in my ear (he understands he’s just insulting your intelligence or he doesn’t care and is dismissing tf out of you) idk but after watching your videos you have LITERALLY described him so so accurately. Also both of his brothers are autistic so it was always in the back of my head but now it makes so much sense.
Autism is DEFINITELY genetic, so he's likely to have some traits in the mix there! The communication differences can really make you feel nuts (both of you). Take a look at my communication program - crackthecommunicationcode.com It's a game changer for so many!
@JodiCarlton This is how I'm feeling at the moment with the guy I'm dating. It's only been a few months but I guess I'm still learning. He was upfront about his ASD from the very beginning. When we are together I feel loved as he initiates physical contact often and has no difficulty initiating intimacy with me. He seems to enjoy my company a great deal and has told me numerous times that he "misses my presence" when we have been unable to meet up for a while. However when we are apart I feel almost non-existent because he goes quiet and may not message me for a while or he may take a long time to respond to messages. He has been upfront about his social battery draining and I'm wondering if this may be the cause of his quietness and distance from me when we are not together?
Hi Sarah. He may be recharging but it’s also likely due to some executive dysfunction of working memory. This is a function in our brain that holds space for ongoing and active tasks, thoughts, and actions (by the second, minute, day, and even a few weeks). The term “out of sight, out of mind” refers to difficulty with working memory. Even things that are very important to him may be forgotten if he’s not reminded in some way. So he may really value you but when you’re not in his presence, he may struggle to think of texting or reaching out to you. If you text him, he might not see it until the moment has passed and then he may not be able to respond right then so “poof” it’s gone from his thoughts. He also may not realize a response is expected. The other possibility is that he doesn’t understand your expected “cadence” for interactions (or what might be a neurotypical cadence). The amount of interactions or how long to go between is something to talk about out with him to let him know what you’d like and to ask what he prefers. No one is right or wrong but you need to know what you each want in a relationship. If you talk to him about all of this be sure to approach from curiosity versus telling him he’s doing something wrong. It’s not wrong from his perspective and that matters too. It’s okay to have differences but it’s important to talk about what they are so you both ultimately know what the other prefers in a relationship. Hope that helps!
@@JodiCarlton Thank you so much for the response. I guess that sometimes I often feel confused about his behaviour and what he's thinking or feeling. We are taking it slow at the moment as he has admitted that he gets anxious if he feels there is a pressure to push a relationship faster. He seems to have a great understanding of ASD and the various ways that it can show. He told me before that he's even trying to do mind exercises to help improve his executive function and emotional intelligence so to speak. I guess maybe I should mention it to him the next time I see him that I just feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. I feel like he's giving me all these signs that he really likes me and would like to develop our relationship (he's even asked me about meeting his family very soon) but then seems almost emotionally distant or unavailable. He's briefly admitted that he's aware of these behaviours in himself also. Should I speak to him about this and what would be the best way to raise the subject? Many thanks ❤
Since he is so self-aware (which is awesome!), I definitely recommend that you talk to him about your confusion, but from a collaborative place. "Let's talk about how we both are feeling in this relationship and what we can do together to understand each others needs." You definitely want to approach from a place of curiosity. His hot/cold behaviors are likely from overwhelm and needing to recover. An autistic's daily life is, energetically, like taking a hard exam in a sweltering hot room (or freezing), with the fire alarm blaring, while other people are having conversations all around the room and a disco ball is bouncing light all around. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting! The most important thing to keep in mind is that this IS how he experiences life - the goal is not the change him to experience life more like you do - it's for you to understand him and him to understand you (even though neither of you will find the other's experience of life relatable), and for you both to acknowledge and validate that your experiences and perceptions are very different. I have an entire communication course that would be helpful! jodicarlton.com/courses
My mom was the only one that told me my dad loved me. He spent all his time at home out in the garage. Wasn't until after I left my husband & researched what was going on that I realized with the help of therapy that I had lived 54 years around ASD dad & husband. 11 years after I left, asked my ex why he got married & he said it was what was supposed to happen after he graduated college.....not love
Omg i just realized that I recently had a relationship come to an end because of this miscommunication. I worked very diligently to communicate how i express and give love to my partner. I went away for a family matter for an extended time and let them know up front that I would have difficulty remembering to reach out at times, but it isn't because i don't care and might need some prompting at times. They agreed, but a frequency wasn't really communicated to me until later on, and I noted it, but they gave me pushback on saying that "I should do it naturally" and they were a bit frustrated. I apologized and explained that doesn't come naturally, but I make the effort and time for the people I love to show them that love back. It felt strange because it felt like that wasn't sufficient for them and that they eventually expected me to be able to read thier mind, when that is something that I have been consistently terrible at my entire life and often was a big source of stress and anxiety by trying to play 4d chess 😅. I know its important and i still love and care for them but it just sucks feeling like someone doesn't have space to accept who you are and how you relate to others. Didn't realize i was putting on a mask for so long
You don’t. A relationship without any reciprocity at all is going to be very difficult and sometimes impossible. Having autism does not remove accountability for making an effort. This video is about recognizing when you are being loved - because sometimes we rob ourselves of being loved when we’re focusing on love being conveyed in the way we expect. It sounds like you didn’t have that experience though. Every relationship is different. I’m glad you’re not in it anymore if it was hell for you.
Sometimes telling you comes in different forms than the words "I love you," so it's important to look for behavior that and all other indicators that you are loved. :) Thanks for contributing to the conversation here!
😂 yes you’re right! I frequently share how I am a hyperverbal processor. It’s something I try to manage and have done better the more videos and podcasts I’ve done through the years!
You are amazing. I feel so enlightened. I got into a bit of a disagreement with my human, I was frustrated because I didn’t know if he was being dismissive / toxic / manipulative. It’s the same issue every time we have a problem & it’s his lack of communication. The thing is that I’ve always gone back and forth with myself because sometimes I really don’t think he’s understanding…. Then my ego will whisper in my ear (he understands he’s just insulting your intelligence or he doesn’t care and is dismissing tf out of you) idk but after watching your videos you have LITERALLY described him so so accurately. Also both of his brothers are autistic so it was always in the back of my head but now it makes so much sense.
Autism is DEFINITELY genetic, so he's likely to have some traits in the mix there! The communication differences can really make you feel nuts (both of you). Take a look at my communication program - crackthecommunicationcode.com It's a game changer for so many!
yes, your videos are very enlighting.. u r truly are in tune and are a gift in helping us understand our autistic friends.. thank u so much...
@JodiCarlton This is how I'm feeling at the moment with the guy I'm dating. It's only been a few months but I guess I'm still learning. He was upfront about his ASD from the very beginning. When we are together I feel loved as he initiates physical contact often and has no difficulty initiating intimacy with me. He seems to enjoy my company a great deal and has told me numerous times that he "misses my presence" when we have been unable to meet up for a while. However when we are apart I feel almost non-existent because he goes quiet and may not message me for a while or he may take a long time to respond to messages. He has been upfront about his social battery draining and I'm wondering if this may be the cause of his quietness and distance from me when we are not together?
Hi Sarah. He may be recharging but it’s also likely due to some executive dysfunction of working memory. This is a function in our brain that holds space for ongoing and active tasks, thoughts, and actions (by the second, minute, day, and even a few weeks). The term “out of sight, out of mind” refers to difficulty with working memory. Even things that are very important to him may be forgotten if he’s not reminded in some way. So he may really value you but when you’re not in his presence, he may struggle to think of texting or reaching out to you. If you text him, he might not see it until the moment has passed and then he may not be able to respond right then so “poof” it’s gone from his thoughts. He also may not realize a response is expected.
The other possibility is that he doesn’t understand your expected “cadence” for interactions (or what might be a neurotypical cadence). The amount of interactions or how long to go between is something to talk about out with him to let him know what you’d like and to ask what he prefers. No one is right or wrong but you need to know what you each want in a relationship.
If you talk to him about all of this be sure to approach from curiosity versus telling him he’s doing something wrong. It’s not wrong from his perspective and that matters too. It’s okay to have differences but it’s important to talk about what they are so you both ultimately know what the other prefers in a relationship. Hope that helps!
@@JodiCarlton Thank you so much for the response. I guess that sometimes I often feel confused about his behaviour and what he's thinking or feeling. We are taking it slow at the moment as he has admitted that he gets anxious if he feels there is a pressure to push a relationship faster. He seems to have a great understanding of ASD and the various ways that it can show. He told me before that he's even trying to do mind exercises to help improve his executive function and emotional intelligence so to speak. I guess maybe I should mention it to him the next time I see him that I just feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. I feel like he's giving me all these signs that he really likes me and would like to develop our relationship (he's even asked me about meeting his family very soon) but then seems almost emotionally distant or unavailable. He's briefly admitted that he's aware of these behaviours in himself also. Should I speak to him about this and what would be the best way to raise the subject? Many thanks ❤
Since he is so self-aware (which is awesome!), I definitely recommend that you talk to him about your confusion, but from a collaborative place. "Let's talk about how we both are feeling in this relationship and what we can do together to understand each others needs." You definitely want to approach from a place of curiosity. His hot/cold behaviors are likely from overwhelm and needing to recover. An autistic's daily life is, energetically, like taking a hard exam in a sweltering hot room (or freezing), with the fire alarm blaring, while other people are having conversations all around the room and a disco ball is bouncing light all around. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting! The most important thing to keep in mind is that this IS how he experiences life - the goal is not the change him to experience life more like you do - it's for you to understand him and him to understand you (even though neither of you will find the other's experience of life relatable), and for you both to acknowledge and validate that your experiences and perceptions are very different. I have an entire communication course that would be helpful! jodicarlton.com/courses
@@JodiCarlton Thank you for all the advice ❤
My mom was the only one that told me my dad loved me. He spent all his time at home out in the garage. Wasn't until after I left my husband & researched what was going on that I realized with the help of therapy that I had lived 54 years around ASD dad & husband. 11 years after I left, asked my ex why he got married & he said it was what was supposed to happen after he graduated college.....not love
This was extremely helpful information. Thank you soooooo very much!
You are so welcome!
Very helpful. Thank you.
Omg i just realized that I recently had a relationship come to an end because of this miscommunication. I worked very diligently to communicate how i express and give love to my partner. I went away for a family matter for an extended time and let them know up front that I would have difficulty remembering to reach out at times, but it isn't because i don't care and might need some prompting at times.
They agreed, but a frequency wasn't really communicated to me until later on, and I noted it, but they gave me pushback on saying that "I should do it naturally" and they were a bit frustrated.
I apologized and explained that doesn't come naturally, but I make the effort and time for the people I love to show them that love back.
It felt strange because it felt like that wasn't sufficient for them and that they eventually expected me to be able to read thier mind, when that is something that I have been consistently terrible at my entire life and often was a big source of stress and anxiety by trying to play 4d chess 😅.
I know its important and i still love and care for them but it just sucks feeling like someone doesn't have space to accept who you are and how you relate to others.
Didn't realize i was putting on a mask for so long
I gave my spouse my love list multiple times without much success.
How do i get him to speak my love language to me mow and then? Im autistic ad Well but he doesn't acknowledge that..
Why do we have to learn their love language and not give versa? My marriage was hell!
You don’t. A relationship without any reciprocity at all is going to be very difficult and sometimes impossible. Having autism does not remove accountability for making an effort. This video is about recognizing when you are being loved - because sometimes we rob ourselves of being loved when we’re focusing on love being conveyed in the way we expect. It sounds like you didn’t have that experience though. Every relationship is different. I’m glad you’re not in it anymore if it was hell for you.
I feel like they'll probably tell you, and you can probably trust them
Sometimes telling you comes in different forms than the words "I love you," so it's important to look for behavior that and all other indicators that you are loved. :) Thanks for contributing to the conversation here!
In an other country. 🙄
you take a long time to say 1 thing
😂 yes you’re right! I frequently share how I am a hyperverbal processor. It’s something I try to manage and have done better the more videos and podcasts I’ve done through the years!