Oh sweetheart I felt the same way, and it was hard! But in the end I found my identity my sexual identity..... And that is bisexual. Now the issue isn't that I was never able to make friends it's just the romantic connections that I can't seem to make, besides my ex would tell you that she never wanted to talk. And that also comes from someone that didn't quite understand autism, now this doesn't mean that I don't want to get back in the dating game because I totally do. But I feel like they're going to have to deal with parts of me that I don't like it that much about myself. Now dating with autism tough, ( plus it doesn't help that creeps will sometimes be like hey sweetheart you want to go out and be twice my senior. I just have a huge thing about age gaps.)
I wished I could tell my grandparents this like they be asking me why I don't have a girlfriend or kids as a 32:year old I'm like How Sway like it ain't like I don't want those things I just be feeling like other Folks they got they life together like they don't understand how hard it is to achieve goals like that like telling a POC pull yourself up by the bootstraps you can make it outta the Trap when the system is designed like this to keep me from having Children or a Normal Life like Fr I'm just trying to survive and Maintain
Imagine feeling the desire, assuming (or perhaps knowing) that everyone doesn't like you, and not even having friends to tell you the rare case where someone did like you but you just missed the signs. I'm happy that others could have better experiences but just knowing how other autistic people simply missed signals, didn't really want it anyway, and had a sufficient number of friends to point these things out to them, place the extent of my isolation so much closer to the bottom of the iceberg than even I could of previously imagined--so few have any idea what it really is.
I'm realizing I'm autistic and perhaps my wife was too. We had a very healthy, needful, and faithful sexlife. We never became bored with each other's company. We were married 44 years prior to her illness and death. Techniques changed due to physical changes and disabilities but the intimacy, appetite, and pleasure remained.❤
I want to share about a herbal recommendations I got about Dr Oyalo on RUclips and his herbal remedy which work perfectly on my sons improvements and social skill till now. He now speakers in sentences, responds to name and instructions, no more aggressiveness and many more unlike him before
As an undiagnosed female, looking back on my dating history from teens through my 20's, it's clear to me how almost every romantic relationship I was in came about from the guy being persistent on dating me, and me kind of just going along with it. After a while real "connection" was formed, yes. But I think if I were a male I wouldve hardly had romantic relationships as well.
I remember first time I went to a strip club and I payed to private dance it felt weird when the girl sit on my lap I was so shy and I asked her to if I could touch her it felt sweet to cuddle someone in my arms
The way other people see you as a male with autism when you you are shy and introvert they will think you are gay this is the worst thing that happened to me
I don't lack desire or romance, but I lack the social skills and confidence to find them. The biggest problem I have is the fear of social rejection because of my autism, with the additional fear of rejection that comes with approaching someone I'm attracted to. The mask gets in the way every time.
Ehm...just say it? (or write it down) "Hey, I find you attractive, but do not know how to say it in the right words". As long as you can accept that rejection may be one of the responses you will get ... (not everybody you know is somebody you find attractive, right. You also are allowed to select.) you will be fine. Dating , like everything else, takes practice. You won't be rejected on your autism, people will see the whole package (and they will like it, or not... only one way to find out). Trust me, getting the "I like you as well" is far more terrifying than the "eh, thanks for the compliment, but I do not see you that way". Watch "Hitch"... the guy who does everything wrong ... Most women (and men afaik) really, really love the fact that the autistic partner is always telling the truth and is him/herself. It may hurt sometimes, but the trust you get from that is priceless. (For both btw) One of the best selling-points we have ;) .
@@muurrarium9460 Thanks for the advice, I may even get the chance to try it one day... I know dating takes practice, but I've had very little experience with it. I struggle with even meeting new people in the first place, but you've given me something to think about. Thank you.
It's all a matter of practice, as you do it more frequently you won't be afraid of rejection anymore I tell you from experience and you will train your social skills and you will understand neurotypical social patterns, I am also asperger
Lost my virginity at 19 to a 22 yr old female college sports team president (very strong woman) who got me wasted (age to drink is 21) at my first real party, which her team was throwing after a game. I was falling down as she dragged me to her place. The next week or so she and the male half of that same sport which I played all made fun of me. She told everyone how long I performed which was a long time because I was too drunk to finish. I woke up crammed between the side of her mattress and the wall feeling disgusting and she did not let me shower before I ran to class with my first hangover. People don't ever realize that men get raped too we just don't get to say anything about it. Hell, most men don't even consider that a rape, I got 'lucky' to be humiliated.
Sorry to read this. You were treated very badly. Best regards - and if you need any help following the experience you describe, I hope you can find it.
Both me and my boyfriend are autistic and we’re just longing to be physically together and sleep in each other’s arms. We’re long distance and total soul mates who want to spend the rest of our lives together. When I first heard about demisexuality I instantly recognized myself there, I’ve never been into dating and just don’t understand why people would just go on dates with strangers or have sex left and right with people they met 5 minutes ago. I don’t fall in love easily, so my boyfriend is truly truly special. I’m 37 and only just realized this summer that I’m autistic. My boyfriend knew about my autism the first time we talked, so he knew before I did. It’s such a relief to be able to just be ourselves with each other, no masking needed
Wow, I am 37 too, and only a few months ago met a guy whom I am still very much bonding with, and ot's the first time ever I feel a truly authentic connection with someone who also seems to want to have a deep connection with me. I have not been diagnosed yet, but I resonate so much with other people's autistic experiences, I wonder, how and where did you get diagnosed? I am happy for you and your relationship. I am also lond distance with this guy, we're still getting to know each other, but it's feeling pretty damn right, and I am looking forward to seeing how it progresses. I also never ¨dated¨, never quite got the concept. I need to also have a strong emotional connection to really take it any further. Thank you for sharing you experience.
this is closer to describing my sexuality than anything else I've found. I have never understood how anyone could be sexually attracted to a stranger, or go on a "date" with someone they hardly know. another thing is the way women will get totally naked in front of me to change into a swimsuit or something with almost no warning, no inhibition, and expect the same of me because we're both girls. in those moments I am acutely aware that I am not like most people.
Oh goodness same here!!! I've always found it scary to go home with a random person and then have sex with them. I've never been into hookup culture and find the whole concept bizarre, not to mention dangerous.
I assume you mean demisexual? Fun fact, it is a microlabel underneath any allosexual sexuality. One can be a demisexual homosexual, aka only attracted to the same sex after a strong emotional bond.
I think it’s better to know someone before doing anything with them. Wait at least 6 months so you know them first. I’m a Christian so I think waiting until marriage is best but I know most people, even professing Christians, don’t wait
@@Nakia11798 I think it's part of the asexual spectrum, not allosexual. Allosexual is someone who frequently experiences sexual attraction. Asexual is someone who lacks sexual attraction.
*@ohbabycat* I know... How weird is it that others can just have genuinely casual sex with strangers? Hard to imagine when people like us require comfort as well as attraction. However (guy here), regarding nudity, I strangely kinda don't give a crap about people seeing me naked. Despite that, I generally act modest because I don't want to offend people and deal with the emotional repercussions of that, and I can't read such things too well. However, if I know for sure they don't mind, then I don't mind because I'm not _actually_ modest.
I'm demisexual. Outside a safe, committed, healthy relationship I'm basically asexual and sex averse (not repulsed, it just seems awkward to think about doing that with anyone, including super attractive people) and my libido is way down. In a relationship that meets the above criteria, sex is one of my love languages and a super important part of bonding and caring and feeling loved and I'd be happy to do it 2X/day. It does make sense in the light of autism and how I approach relationships in general.
I got married about 7 years ago and after only a few months, my marriage became emotionally abusive because my husband does not understand (or even try to understand) my autism, he’s very demanding and doesn’t understand why I don’t do everything the way he thinks I should. Needless to say I have no physical attraction for him anymore, another thing for him to be angry at me over…
I'm Demi, but may or may not have casual partners that I'm deeply connected to. I've had 2-3 partners on and off for 20 years, with breaks for committed, doomed, but monogamous relationships..
I was a programmer. I ended up working with an attractive girl and wherever we went the boss put us together because our skillset worked. One Wednesday she said that we have to get married. On the Saturday in 96 we drove from LA to Vegas and got married. We are still together.
They have to make the first move. We, many times, end up with strong assertive women that aren't looking for an assertive male. I have had run ins with three very wealthy women this way. One I had to remind that I am a human too.
Happy to hear you found each other. I'm a programmer too. Nice to find out that someone fits with you. Found my wife by accident on a holiday. We are very happy
Remembering a conversation I had with a friend in high school; she was telling me that she felt sexual chemistry was nearly the most important thing in a relationship. So much so to the point that sleeping with the potential partner was step one in figuring out if it would last. It made me feel really weird because it seemed to me that there was so much more to a relationship and that to get to that point I would need to really know and trust the person before sharing my body in that way. I thought at the time is was just because I was raised in a religious household, but much later my husband said it sounded like I fit the demisexual description. Recently falling into this rabbit hole of identifying with a lot of autistic traits, my life is starting to make a lot of sense seeing as I’ve felt extremely “other” in a variety of ways for as long as I can remember.
Is the Bible for demisexuals? 😂 It’s funny because I always thought I was healthy and connected my emotions and committed relationship with sexual attraction and safety. But now I’m starting to wonder…
I feel the most attracted to intelligent people. When i was younger (and not so young) i was always in love with male teachers 😂. The least intelectual or man lacking in some kind of expertise were very disappointing. Off course theres some characteristics i like in a man appearance wise, but theyre not the mainstream stereotypes
@@visionvixxenwhat i can tell you is that i converted as an adult. And now that i follow biblical principles i feel a new peace of mind. So yes maybe youre onto something. I wont allow anyone to touch a hair on my head if they dont bother to know me as a human being. And i want to know them to deeply concerning mindset, values, etc.
This is what I've been looking for. So many people just ignore the topic of sex for autistic people, exactly for that reason that we're too innocent or childlike. This was wonderful and insightful. Thank you. 🌻
But then there is also that if you refer to yourself as a child (well, as if being like a child to a certain points in certain aspects, I mean) other autistic people think you are weird.
@@orionkelly i realized i might be gay when i was 14/15 because me and my best friend Kevin had our lunch in the boys changing room and Kevin got his penis out only in front of me (as best friends)
This video unlocked the confusing memory of being called "a heartbreaker" through grade school and even voted "Biggest Flirt" in 8th grade despite never actually really dating anybody. What I now know is my asexuality paired with autism that romantic relationships were just NEVER on my radar. A bit extroverted (or masking to be one), being jokingly flirty was my way of "appearing funny/friendly" in social settings. What I didn't realize is that some people didn't know this personality was an act, landing me in SO many confusing "breakups" where people accused me of leading them on or never asking them out. Being asexual, I was(am) so confused how anybody could be attracted to me in an emotional/sexual way. Being autistic, I had no idea how to communicate how these revelations of emotion to me always felt like a betrayal. All the more ways I have no option but to laugh at my silly, lovely brain. Edit: I am now 30 and engaged to a person I jokingly asked to marry once and didn’t realize until a week later when other people were congratulating me that I realized what I’d done. Luckily we are still together 7 years later and they appreciate all of my quirky social misunderstandings. And we do not share a bed either, because I cannot sleep near another person either.
As I have gotten older, I am easily awakened by any slight movement or tiny noise, so sleeping with another person in the same bed would be out of the question.
@@karynbanksley7110I used to be that sensitive to noise as well. If someone would turn on the light in the hallway, the switch was old and loud, I’d wake up. If my sister who shared a room with me got out of bed, I’d wake up. If there was a light from a charger facing me or the light from the alarm clock, I’d have trouble sleeping. After having kids I guess my body got too exhausted to be that overly sensitive and just lets me sleep better usually. Still kind of a light sleeper though
Holy crap yes to the bed sharing thing. I could not sleep. I was always so conscious of moving and my movements being felt. I never went to sleep first and needed to hear that they were deep in sleep and harder to disturb before I could get comfortable. I would just not get to sleep quite often. There was more to it for me as an allosexual person than being hyper conscious of disturbing them, but it now seems like it was all connected.
I felt the exact same thing with my ex! Didn't know other people hade the same problem. The first months with her I could never fall asleep if she wasn't asleep before me. And even when she was asleep it could take hours for me. Also being very uncomfortable moving, or worst of all, getting up and going to the bathroom.
Same here! I realized at some point that using a separate comforter for me was a game changer. I was able to sleep sooooo much better. Suddenly it felt like I had my own little bubble and every move I made wouldn't affect the other person, otherwise I would not be able to sleep.
Typically, it takes me a bit of time (maybe a week?) of sleeping with someone else in the bed to start being able to sleep close to properly. This pretty much rules out casual sleepovers, etc.
I cried because this resonates with me so much. I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I am relieved to know that this is a thing (although I feel so sad to know that others struggle/struggled with this too!). I felt this with girl friends sleeping over and the relationships I’ve had with guys, so far. I find that I have ignored my own wants/needs just to please the other person (or feel like I am). How have y’all been able to move past this? I mean feeling bad about every move you make and not wanting to move to disturb them, etc. ? I’m sure there is a lot more to this for me, too. I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past 27 minutes of this video than I have in the past 27 years of my life…This is truly eye opening. While I have many, many more questions, I feel like I have a general direction to head in, so I can do a deep dive and figure out what is going on inside.
Lol. Then when you can’t sleep they get bothered and you get more uptight about bothering them while trying to sleep yourself 😂 Same w sex sometimes even thinking that them doing stuff to you is taking so long that they’ll get bored and you are too conscious about all of it - don’t understand the enjoy part. 😂
It's possible to even go on a coffee date (granted, midmorning) with someone you just met and not realize they considered it a date. Just floating through the event chatting, wondering idly for a moment why the person is so dressed up midmorning, mystified by how weird it is because they're smiling insanely for the whole hour, they're pretending to hang on every word, laughing at pretty much everything I say that's remotely funny (and not so much), claiming I'm just fascinating (too weird, especially since they just met me, and frankly I'm not fascinating). Only a half a day later do I put all that together and realize OMG, it was supposed to be a date... in their mind.
It can be terrifying to live in a world that is sex-centric as a demisexual person! In school around age 16 I just felt so angry at everyone for sexualizing every social interaction! Dating is also dangerous given social disability, because autistic folks of any gender are often taken advantage of! Thankfully I met my husband at 17. ❤️
It's even worse as an asexual, dear. At least someday you will FEEL sexual attraction and know what it's supposed to feel like, but for asexuals, we'll never feel that, we'll ALWAYS feel left out of some basic entitlement of life. And yeah, people sexualizing things will ALWAYS be uncomfortable, even if it's our long-term romantic partner.
@@Nakia11798 Demisexual = asexual it is on the asexual spectrum and is a type of gray asexuality. We are asexual and live an asexual experience. Just because some of us will sometimes have sex with a person that we have established an emotional connection with does not mean that sexuality being forced into every single aspect of your life (school, work, tv, friends) is any less unpleasant or discomforting for a demisexual person.
Even if you’re someone with a fairly high sex drive the sex centric nature of the world can be disturbing. I often feel like the world behaves like 13 year old boys who think sex is dirty. The obsessive nature of sex in public sphere-the non-stop references are incredibly annoying. Personally, I prefer all sexual references be private.
I'm in my sixties and it has occurred to me that people of my generation were never diagnosed because there was such a lack of understanding about the autism spectrum during the time we were growing up. "Oddities" were just dealt with in whatever way possible. I'm recently widowed and with my current companion sleeping over just isn't an option. I've suspected he is on the autism spectrum for a variety of reasons. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this and other videos. (We even watched one of them together!) It helps me too understand some things about him that seem quirky. To be fair, I'm not sure I'm completely "neutotypical" either. Thanks again, so much, for your RUclips channel! Understanding is a very good thing!
i can completely relate to your experiences of not being able to sleep when sharing a bed. In my head I also couldn't move or would try to move so slowly or let someone sleep on my arm even though it had gone tingly from being pinched. I am very thankful that I am not challenged to sleep in the same bed with my spouse. Thankfully even before my diagnosis he understood I struggled with it and let me sleep in my own bed. Good night sleep helps both of us be happy and healthy. Thanks for this video :)
Hubby and I haven’t slept together for years. We both get a better night for it, because I am a very restless sleeper. I too was always on edge for fear of waking him.
From the day my hubby and I began dating, we were both in our 30's & 40's, I was divorced with 2 teenagers, he a single guy, and both of us agreed that even before we had sex that we'd have to both have a separate place to sleep. Needless to say, we're still together 22 years later. Nothing wrong with claiming your sleeping spot for one only!
There's absolutely NOTHING wrong (or autistic)with wanting to have an emotional connection and strong bond with someone before having sex with them. It's the way it should be!
I disagree. First comes a sexual attraction, then the bond comes later when you get to know the person. Sometimes it's nice to enjoy the crush without having to "bond" before you feel those lovely "crush" feelings. If the "crush" or "lust" comes after bonding, this is considered a-sexual or demi-sexual. Please feel free to fly your a-sexual flag, because you actually qualify as being on the asexual spectrum. There is no one way anyone "SHOULD" be. People just are. Just because you are demi-sexual, doesn't mean people who are traditionally attracted via a crush are wrong. People have different feelings in different ways.
@@MsGenXodus ... and with different persons. We don't connect the same way with everyone. It's just the "bonding" thing that makes me wonder. Because for me it's more natural to bond strongly with someone platonically before bonding romantically. Sex can be connected to both or neither for me. Then I also think that what the other perons signals and what she (in my case) wants strongly effects the way I get interested.
I agree I find it odd that taking your time in a relationship and waiting for sex is an autistic trait, many autistic people can be very promiscuous as well.
I laughed so hard at the relatability of being oblivious to people liking you and someone asking you out. Check check, check. I literally have my friend tell me that someone likes me and I'm like, really?! They're like, YES! I just assume everybody hates me too, LOL. And I was asked out before and had no idea. It was my co-workers that told me that I was just asked out 🤣It wasn't like they specifically said, do you want to go out with me? So, I had no idea. They asked me for coffee or dinner and I just thought it meant as a friend, hahah. The best thing I ever discovered, was sleeping with my own comforter when sleeping in the same bed with someone. I able to sleep sooooooo much better!
In dating i like strict 'romantic rules' ex going out, eat etc. The man a gentleman, give flowers or some treat. Then nothing moore. Some more dating, and if it's chemistry yes it will be so something moore.❤. And then it doesn't have to be romantic. Moore desire and fun. I'm moore simple than most women and yes in autistic spectrum😊
This is literally my exact experience. I’m 22 and I just recently had my first girlfriend. The only reason I felt comfortable with her is because she is also autistic. The one time that we slept in the same bed, I also stayed up the entire night.
I relate to this. There are people I knew in elementary that had girlfriends in high school and with me I have tried online but It hasn't worked out. I am also autistic so one of my fears is the girl not understanding why I am the way i am.
Sharing a bed, even with siblings on vacation has always been hellish for me. I think it is the sensory issues that cause it, because it is already hard to fall asleep by myself. But when someone else is there, there is the added factor of hearing them breathe, temperature changes, feeling them move or accidentally touching while rolling over. It is not easy, and I have always hated sleepovers because of it.
As a self-identified robot with an aversion to being touched, i found your video enlightening. I especially liked when you reveal that your main interests in early youth included working with/on radio. Me too. I generally don’t discuss my first experiences which were precursor activities to actual sexual acts- mostly because I know that society “frowns upon” bluntness and candid description of these things. Also, for me it was confusing and traumatic. As well, i was “ambushed” by other kids who’d set up an interaction (a surprise) between myself and someone else because they wanted to see how i reacted. It was then i began to realise THEY were confused by my lack of interest or talk of “sexual participation”. Alexithymia leaves me feeling uncomfortable , even to have recalled it.
great way to address and talk through all of this mate - diagnosed in last 2 months, at 48, and I absolutely associate and value your ability to sum up your experience, on my behalf. You have helped me "shortcut" through this issue and question. I appreciate your frank honest autistic personage - thankyou mate, luv it!
Demisexual, aromantic, later life awareness... Yup, this matches me. Gay too. I've had many things to explore and unpack. I'm not fully diagnosed but I've tested with multiple strongly autistic traits with further testing recommended. Likely high functioning Asperger's. This is speaking my language ❤️
I'm demigrey - this blend of demisexuality and grey asexuality, where for me, desire is infrequent, even when I do have an emotional bond with someone. When I'm in the mood, I'm really in the mood, but when I'm not in the mood, I'm repulsed. To a large degree, I enjoy sex as an intellectual pursuit - it is interesting to think about, to write about, to read about, but the reality is messy and icky and not for me, most of the time. There's definitely a degree of the repulsion being connected to sensory sensitivities for me. I also, generally, find activities such as mutual grooming (hair brushing), or cuddling, to be more intimate than sex - to me, that aspect of taking care of each other is more significant in pair bonding. In general, I don't enjoy physical contact with others - I am reluctant to shake hands, hug, and similar things, in public, even with people I know - they can trigger sensory overload if I am in an environment where I am already having to deal with overstimulation, and having to mask. If I am willing to snuggle, or to brush someone's hair, or to have my hair brushed, it is because I am willing to be vulnerable with that person, because I feel safe with that person.
Thank you sooooo much for this channel. I don't know why the algorithm suggested this kind of material and your channel in particular BUT I am really thankful it did. I have had interpersonal relationship difficulties my whole life. My inability to "regulate" myself has really been a challenging and has truly held me back from accomplishing things that would have otherwise been easy. Most recently I have found myself struggling in social situations that I don't think (operative word) should be difficult. So much of what you said in this video resonated with me that I'm relieved. Adapting to a possible illness feels so much easier to deal with than just feeling confused as to why people react to me in the ways you have described in your other videos or being confused about the feelings you described in this one. I still have to do the work to have a better life but now I know that I have examples of other people dealing with what I've dealt with. Thank you so much. I am truly grateful.
I am deeply emotionally attached to my husband and I’m very much heterosexual, but as far as sexual activity goes, I’m an autosexual, only pleasing myself because only I can please myself. It’s sad, but I had to give up trying to have “normal” sex. My life overall is diy in so many ways, and that includes my sex life.
I had to look up ‘auto sexual’ and it’s exactly what I am as well! I thought I was asexual in terms of sexual activity but pansexual because I can fall in love with anyone (though it’s a rare occurrence) but both those terms didn’t fully make sense. You’re so lucky to have found emotional attachment. If only I could find someone who was ok with all my quirky quirks. ❤
Many many people are like you, but won't admit it because they feel they are missing out on something, or too strange. One woman told me she had never had an orgasm. I asked if she could do it on her own and she said. " of course, all the time" but in her mind, she was frigid because she had never experienced it with a partner. I convinced her it wasn't uncommon, then to do it with me in the room. Once she did that and was comfortable with it, it wasn't long before was having orgasms all the time from sex, fingers, tongues, household items, toys, etc. But I think I'm the autistic one. I have never been on board with the whole love/sex connection. I can love people and not have sex and vice versa. Having both with the same person doesn't happen- love destroyed the fun and made sex play so heavy and serious.
Try Tantric sex with your husband for at least 6 months before you give up having mutual orgasms. Also if you have him please you several times before he gets to finish off with a mutual you will be having a great marriage..We have since 1974. We are still very happy although often one or the other sleeps alone due to a bad back. But we always please each other before we rest.
Thank goodness it’s not just me. I’m autosexual and never had a partner that pleases me like I do but I’m pan romantic and fall in love with souls. I think I’m also Demi but the sex thing is auto sexual for sure with me. I. So grateful to have come across you all… at last..some one I can relate to. I wish society would stop trying to promo the whole heterosexual thing like it’s fashion…. To me it’s bull shit because we are not all cheesy straight couples kissing in films and on TV
The sleep thing I relate to so much. I basically spent 5 days awake when I went on holiday with my then boyfriend until the exhaustion overwhelmed me, then I could sleep normally. Its like I had to get through that barrier. I think it shows just how much my brain thinks it needs to be on alert and to mask around people.
😭😭😭😭😭 hi sister from another mister. I had 3 holidays ruined with my ex because of this. On one of them I started to have chest pains cos I was so exhausted. And of course the anxiety of the situation made it worse. I was managing to sleep a bit but it was like 1 or 2 hours per night and sometimes not deep.
I was an undiagnosed woman my whole life. I am pansexual/demisexual and aromantic as well. I learned all this stuff about 10 years ago or more.. but I am only learning now about my autism, at 44. It's been so hard for me to connect with others.. and the amount of teasing I would get from others because I didn't want to date or hook up has been the bane of my existence growing up. It feels so good to feel seen.
I’m someone who was a teenager in the 80s, and the culture was all about find “perfect someone, get into a perfect relationship, get married, have kids and all that.” I’m learning more about myself and realizing after being hurt too many times causes a loss of trust and a loss of that emotional bond and a loss of attraction to that person. I still love my partner, but…. no desire to be intimate. I’m realizing that I’m demisexual and possibly on the spectrum. I identify with a lot of the traits my son’s girlfriend has, and she is diagnosed ASD.
Thank you! I could see that this took a great deal of effort to complete. I understand completely. Your experience so mirrored my son's journey. We knew that he was ADHD, but the diagnosis of Autism was not until he was in his 30s. He also had/has challenges around strong bond first then physical expression. We used to walk through grocery stores, and women would try to gain his attention. I would see it but he was oblivious. Your videos' have been both educational and affirming. Many AHA moments, of that is so me. Came to my diagnosis late as well. Keep the info coming, it works.
I want to share about a herbal recommendations I got about Dr Oyalo on RUclips and his herbal remedy which work perfectly on my sons improvements and social skill till now. He now speakers in sentences, responds to name and instructions, no more aggressiveness and many more unlike him before
@@angelabinns-sy2636 that’s so cool I hope your son is thriving …I just realized after another meltdown and identity crisis I’ve been trying so hard to act normal and then realizing I never stopped being bullied I put on muscle to protect myself but in the adult world the bullies are psychological and it’s hard to see a big boy like me and think I’m Autistic. I’m awkward when women advance at me or yelled at for not noticing and then taking everything literal to see I’ve been oblivious to the evil side of Humanity was heart breaking… like how come one one told me … I was scared before but now I’m just a hermit … my mom is in denial
I missed so many opportunities growing up because most of my sweetest friends were actually into me. I had no idea. There all married now. I have dated but nothing long term. I only found out I was autistic the last 5 years. I’m 39. I think the more we understand ourselves the easier this ride gets. Whoever reads this today I hope you discover yourself and your needs this week. Blessings and hugs ❤😊 Edit. You might wanna take your top off 😂🤣😂🤣 ok we could be friends. Your hilarious. New sub
I totaly understand. I tend to get along with males better but ive had male friends just drop out of my life because i started seeing a male. I so miss my friend Bryan who had been one of my closest and oldest friends because he did this . Would not even tell my why he was compleatly MIA all of a sudden but it coincided with him meeting a new boyfriend after i had broke up with my partner of 13 years. I really don't know what happened for sure but when i broke up with that long term partner, he sat me down and had to drive home to me that he is my friend, he is not going to leave our friendship, he is here for me 100% and was not going to maintain a friendship with my ex . I thought it was very odd he had to have this conversation with me in the way he did it as i was not asking anyone to take side's, i only asked that if they still seen my ex , my life was not to be a converstation with them and i did not want to talk about the ex. But the day he met a guy i started dating, bryan just disappeared forever after that. So much for there for me 100 %. Had the same thing happen with my mate shannon that i loved dearly as a friend and house mate. we always had a weird chemistry going on that kind of felt like if we just where not going to hurt others , things would just fall in to place for us but i met him through that partner i had for 13 years . They had been best mates since they where 5. Once i started living with my partner, he droped out of both of our lives for many years. I dont even think he evet spoke to my now ex again to tell you the truth. He is married now and we talk from time to time but he has to hide that he has spoken to me from his wife and and i dont understand why she hates us 2 talking. She always accused us of having affairs but nothing of the sort ever happened. He was my house mate , you dont even entertain the thought of that because if it goes wrong, someone has to move out but there had been a few moments that it just felt like he was treating me like the one that got away. If he had those thought way back when we where younger, I actually think we could of been "the one" to eachother but right person , wrong time, young and stupid when we both knew we had something very diffent compaired to other friendships, i never felt like i had to mask around him and i aways understood that my intentions where good, i never had to explain myself with him , he never never had to with me ,he never socially burnt me out but one day he just up and went the day i started seeing his best friend seriously. No explanation again. Over 20 years later now and he still holds a place in my heart and i do with him, we started talking again about 10 years after all this happened and we just slipped in to that comfortable as old boots thing we both had going on but we chose our paths way back then and both of us ended up in relationships that we stayed in, then his wife made it to difficult for us to even be friends. So he hide our friendship from her and i only hear from him every now when he really needs a shoulder and he dosent think his wife will ever understand him and what his thoughts and feeling are . The only thing ive nevet understood is if he wanted something more, why dident he say so when we where both single? We get eachother on a level that neither have ever found with another. But he knows , i really dont like that he has to hide talking to me as i dont want him lieing to his wife. Im not a home wrecker. But the intermatecy we have without a romantic or sexual relationship causes trouble for him with the wife and id rather him have a happy home life even if that means i have to back away from the friendship now. Funny thing is , i would not be suprised if he is ASD too. 2 of his kids are but way back then , i was not even diagnosed and us 2 where/ still like peas in a pod together . But its like our friendship has some sort of forbidden stamp on it from so many angles. The selfish part of me , just want my shanno back in what ever way it comes but i really dont want him to have trouble over me being on his life.
I’m definitely Demi sexual I have turned down so many advances of women throughout my life over and over and always felt uncomfortable when people came onto me, my friends would say why not? If an attractive woman came onto me but I would try explain I needed a person to be attractive as a person inside. I’d try be like everyone when was younger but it didn’t feel right for me, I didn’t like it casually either I felt uncomfortable too I remember feeling weird for needing a strong bond and when I’d try be different I wouldn’t like it so I stopped trying that way. I’ve always cared so deeply about people pleasing and how the other person feels, the idea of sleeping with hundred people never interested me like the guys I knew,I just always wanted to find someone I could be close to and feel accepted by and share my life with them, luckily I did ❤
This made my life make so much more sense. I "dated" guys in high school, but honestly, all I wanted was a best friend and I was super uncomfortable when they went beyond that threshold (consentual but probably just trying to seem "normal"). In my senior year of high schoo,l I developed a crush on one of my female friends who I ate lunch with alone everyday. It was the most real attraction I'd ever felt and also made me question everything. Now I'm a junior in college and a lesbian and am suspecting that I may be autistic and everything is starting make a lot more sense
I'm still just trying to find a best friend so I can actually truly experience freedom of my sexuality and everything in that safe relationship and I am now 40. It never happened.
Undiagnosed, but fairly certain to be autistic, 26yo here. Had my first intimate/sexual relationship/experience a little over a year ago. The "sleeping" in the same bed thing really resonates. I could not for the life of me get any sleep when sharing a bed. Not just with her, but with anyone for that matter, since thinking back on it, I was never able to sleep when sharing a bed with friends or siblings either when I was young.
This is a very generous, kind, helpful video. Thank you, Orion! You make a lot of people feel less alone and that is really important work in our world today. I love your authenticity and your big heart.
This was so on point! I’ve never heard someone else share the observation before that that there seems to be a correlation or a high percentage of the LGBTQIAP+ community being on the autism spectrum! Glad to know I’m not the only one.
I've just subscribed to you because of the sleeping with another person in the bed thing, lol! I just found out this year that I was autistic, and I'm 56. It's been life changing to finally know what I am, after years and years of searching and only coming up with partial answers or complete dead ends. I've known my whole life that I thought differently than others. This definitely explains my weird love life, lol! I don't like sleeping with another person either, I sweat when I sleep, and another person's radiating warmth is like sleeping in a sauna.
Me three. 56. Just subscribed last week and realized I'm autistic....not crazy. My internal temperature reader is fragile. I'm too hot or too cold all the time. It's hard to get regulated. And def hard to sleep with others.
New subscriber! Thank you so much for this! I am a 72 grandmother to my almost 17 year old grandson who I adore! He lives with his single dad and I help out daily in their lives. My grandson is moderately autistic..in 11th grade, doing as well as he can. When he is interested in something, he does FANTASTIC but if he is not interested, he barely passes but still has a good attitude. He is very innocent and sweet..has only one friend outside of school..a neighbor girl who is 4 years younger. They get along wonderfully..never ever a problem..very innocent in watching RUclips videos and characters. I just want the best for him and give him his space 💕
I only got through half and the tears are streaming. I am a senior, married to an Asperger/autistic man (super intelligent had a prestigious job and not aware of his autism). I didn’t know anything about autism for the first 5 years and thought there was something wrong with me, I had previously been married for 20 yrs to an NT person so, omg, the damage and stress of this odd rejection affected my self esteem resulting in serious physical issues. 10 years later, after realizing it wasn’t his fault just his brain wiring, I am still married because I do love him yet I am so brutally lonely. I can’t even finish watching this because the grief of losing what is normal affection and touching for me is too much. Tears..please discuss how this impacts NT people. During the first few years of our courtship everything was “normal”, in fact he was great but after we got married…well, I got rid of all the sexy stuff because it didn’t matter.
Sorry to hear you are so lonely in your marriage. It's a hard burden to bear, having no physical contact. My story is similar, and I sympathise with you so much. The only answer I've found after 23 years is to make the most of the warmth of your friends and family. I never refuse a hug!
@@andanotherthing619 Thank you and it feels comforting knowing I am not the only one. Sending you love and a hug. I have dogs which help very much and try to be as social as (Covid) possible. I never turn down a hug either 🫶🏻
@@PARoth2011 Right back at you with the hug!! We are by no means alone - I know other older ladies who have the same problem - and you're so right, pets are hugely important and comforting when you long for closeness. My choice was always cats (we lost our last to cancer, in May) and after we move house I want to give a home to rescue cats (plural) so I can be a *real* Cat Lady. Husband not keen. Don't care!!!
@@andanotherthing619 haha..you go girl! I love cats and have a rescue as my barn cat who does an excellent job keeping us mouse free. I’m about to rescue our 3rd dog on Thursday, a 14 mo old sweet, German Shepherd who needs a home. I’ve got training experience (benefit of all those years) and she and I will join our local dog training club to get social needs met for the both of us.
@@PARoth2011 Wonderful!! How lovely to have a puppy, and a German Shepherd at that! Hope you have a great time getting to know other trainees/ trainers too!
I truly enjoyed this video. I recently was diagnosed with autism (almost 40). I understood so much of what you were speaking of. Someone who dealt with sexual abuse, i was also intrigued by people and behavior especially as i became older. You can learn so much about a person sexually and being demisexual it can sometimes create a deeper bond or ruin it. I dont mean just "bad" sex but their mind as well, and that makes sharing a personal space such as your bed so much easier if the bond becomes deeper, you will find comfort and not feel you're crawling out of your alien skin.
I like what you said about friends. So true, the friends drop away..even my family. I am a very sexual person. Its a language I can speak. But only with a strong connection, demisexual. I had never heard that term before. Thank you Orion. Another great video
I am so, so elated that I have found you. I knew zero about autism and if I hadn't met my boyfriend, I would still know zero. I knew he was different but had no idea of how different. Autistic people are charming. I love their innocence. I love that they are different. I love the fact that I am on a fabulous journey. xx
You sound like your words come from a good place but please don't fetishize autistic people. We're all individuals and none is like the other, we're not all the same.
@@anniestumpy9918 get a grip! I showed appreciation for something I think is beautiful. I didn’t do anything else. Sounds like you need a break from tik tok! I know we are not all the same. I’m autistic myself. Where did I say we are all the same? Go get triggered elsewhere thanks I wasn’t speaking to you and I won’t after this msg. If me giving someone else a compliment upsets you that much I sincerely hope you get help!
This was not just informative, but also a relief. I've honestly watched and read a lot of accounts on this topic and most of them seemed either extremely abridged (as if the presenter was afraid to be too honest) or over-simplified to the point of complicating things more! Thank you for the descriptions and for sharing your knowledge as well as personal experience! I definitely relate to very much of this!
OH MY GOD!!You just explained my whole teen/20s experience mentally wise! Practical wise, more happened - but emotionally, maturity and behavioural wise this was spot on!!
Hi! Autistic panromantic ace here. Firstly thanks for doing this, it’s an area of autism not many people talk about! However it’s not true that aces don’t experience attraction or feelings, many of us experience aesthetic and/or romantic attraction and/or romantic love. Asexual just means you don’t look at people and want to have sex with them. There’s also grey aces, who experience infrequent and/or low-intensity sexual attraction. They’re also an important part of the acespec community. Hope this is constructive and doesn’t sound too critical, just wanted to clarify. There are a lot of ND folks in the acespec community 💜
Dating with no experience in your twenties is wild. I went from my first ever date date to losing my virginity in a few months. Usually that development takes people years. I feel bad about not being ready but this video makes me feel less insecure. My development is just different from most people and that’s okay.
I went from zero social skills, never having been to a party, never having had a drink, never kissed, never really hugged anyone, never having had a girlfriend, and etc. to losing my virginity, getting a girlfriend, getting cheated on, rebounding, falling into rebound depression, getting used, getting another girlfriend, becoming a convenience, becoming super social, having girls fight over me, having too many options to settle for any one and keeping sidepieces, long distance relationships, drama, flying across the world for a woman...and more in about the span of 8 months. All I needed was for the experts and my mom to stay out of my life, and to have my own place. I was 26 years old.
When I found that demisexuality was a thing I almost cried. I didn't have sex until I was 21 years old, with my now husband, and I had always thought I was just a prude; got picked on a lot for it by friends and partners 🙃
27 and practically raped. Forced myself so often afterwards. It kind of grosses me unles very very very drunk and the. The emotional respect for me and allowing me to be me MUST be there or no sex will ever happenS
@@visionvixxen that sounds like possibly sex-repulsed asexuality, or at the very least sex-indifferent. But there's also Aceflux, and sexual interest can fluctuate from favourable to indifferent to repulsed for some Aces/grey aces as well
Ugh I'm sorry, I'm also demisexual and I can relate to being picked on for not having allo sexual interest and behaviour. Allonormativity can lead to allos being acephobic or just toxic.
To have understood my own nature well enough to have been able to describe myself as panromantic and demisexual some time ago, has been a huge relief for me, because it made me realize I belong to a category of people, instead of having this unique, obscure preference nobody can relate with, which then would be my duty to explain every single time someone uses a sexual reference to elicit a response (usually intended as humor). While I get the point, my response is usually not very enthusiastic, unless I fake it to "fit in". I so get what you mean when you are trying to describe this hormonal, animalistic response we would still have, and how it's different from a response dominated by an emotional bond. The relevant segments of this video have been the most accurate descriptions of my preferences yet!
One thing I have read in documentation from my Dr. is that people with ADHD and Autism can find themselves attracted to dangerous sexual situations and, I won't go into details but I can say, in my near 28 years as an active Polyamorous, Aromantic & Demisexual member of the Fetish community also my interest in BDSM is a massive part of my sexuality), I have met a lot of neurodivergence. Also never notice being chatted up. Allegedly it happens every weekend at my DJ booth.😅
As an introverted shy person it can be difficult also. I only lost my virginity at age 34. I'm now 38. First i felt great shame being virgin for so long. After it happened i saw it was ridiculous basing my self worth on being virgin or not.
I lost mine when I was 25. 31 now and I lost out of pressure to pleasure my ex. I also felt like he slowly groomed me to give up my virginity. He was 2 years younger than me. But I realized now that he wanted it more for bragging rights. So I kinda regret. He was my boyfriend and we lasted for a year and I never been to a relationship again as I’ve been dealing with finance issues and my career. Relationship is too much to me.
No one should be embarrassed nor ashamed of being a virgin because it is a very rare and precious thing, and it is a biblical virtue that is rarely maintained until marriage.
I'm 69 and just been diagnosed autistic. It remains to be determined to what extent . . but everything you touched on here really resonates with me. I thought I was a freak, someone totally alone in how I interpreted emotions. I'll get to watch more of your videos over time, but I'll take my time doing that. Just like with that character "Monk" the autistic private detective who was on TV in the mid-2000s, I got worse if I watched entire episodes. My OCD used to really flare up after watching him do things I know I was doing or had done in my own life experiences.
I never thought of Monk as autistic, but I can see it. Although they had a flashback episode of him as a teenager opening his arms to hug his mother and her coldly refusing. Maybe she was severely autistic and her rejection of him made his own symptoms worse due to anxiety.
@@DreamQuillRose . . My mother never hugged my much at all, even as a toddler. My father's only physical contact with me was to beat the snot outta me as often as he could find an excuse to do that. Makes me wonder how far back the autistic genes went when I think back. They both knew I had something wrong with me, but at my father's insistence nothing was ever done about it. With the long term result being my failing at just about everything in life. And why not? . . when my father constantly belittled me and told me how worthless I was, despite my achieving excellent grades in primary school, only to see them drop off year by year in high school. That was down to the autism I didn't know I had.
I'm neurotypical, but I'm demisexual. I had crushes on guys since I was young but the sexual feelings did not kick in until I was in my mid-20s and I didn't give my virginity to anyone until my wedding night when I was 30 to my autistic husband. We very much enjoy sex with each other, I think that's because of our intellectual/emotional bond. As to the feeling uncomfortable sleeping next to someone, We had a king size bed and I was always like "stay on your side!!!!" when it was sleeping time!! I've loosened up a tiny bit in our 14 years of marriage but not that much. I only had one serious dating situation and I even liked them a lot and thought we might end up together or get married but I actually didn't want to kiss him. So yes, I'm most definitely demisexual. My husband has a similar story.
Coming from an autistic person, you should be glad you're neurotypical because I do not get along with autistic people at all and this video makes me jealous af
I have always felt like there is something seriously wrong with me because I need to establish deep emotional bonds with people like you said, in most areas of my life....I was made to feel like i'm not normal because people would just come and go out of my life and I was left in a heap crying not understanding why.
I have the same issue. I found it especially hard when relatives would get divorced, and I was expected to hate the other person. How could I, when I found them to be good people, who were always kind and loving toward me?!? I’d find myself saying, “It’s your divorce, why am I taking sides?”.
OMG. You answered a question I’ve wondered my entire life. I’ve never once picked up on a sign someone was interested in me. It’s the worst feeling. I sit dumbfounded over it and wonder why don’t I see this. Feel a lot better now. Thanks for this video.
I thought I was the only weirdo that for some reason get froze and feel like I couldn't or shouldn't move while sleeping next to my partner as a younger person. I never understood it and still don't. But ya this 4 months since I've been diagnosed has been the best learning experience and thank you for all the great and funny content it really truly is helping the world
Also I totally agree with you saying that things normally that are done for most people in there teens happen to for autistic people in there twenties and so on that is definitely true
how much i wish i had as a kid found something like your explanations and experiences... thank you for doing that now, you are literally saving people's lives with this. i am not exaggerating, i do mean it 100%.
OMG. The sleeping thing. Thanks so much for this video @Orion Kelly - That Autistic Guy ! This was, just now, the first time I've EVER come across information about this kind of sleeping problem, and I'm in my 30s, suffering from it my entire life! I've realized I'm autistic just recently, too. Never knew what all this was about before, just assumed it was neuroses. The sleeping thing stretches to anyone for me - like, any other person in the same room, not just a partner in the same bed, however close we might be. So I have trouble explaining to doctors why I'm so against a hospital stay, for instance (won't be able to sleep with other people about). The sleeping thing with partners saw me almost to my 30s, and I had begun wondering if I'd ever be in a long-term relationship with this issue. But then I met someone who I was immediately able to completely relax around. After that first good night's sleep together I knew I'd better marry them! Haha. Although that turned out great, I do sometimes reflect on how weird and unfair all this is. No one properly screening autistics. No one really explaining about relationships. The person who even cares about your comfort when your requirements seem a little unconventional is extremely rare. Like, I've had partners DEMAND to sleep in the same bed when I was able to figure out that's what made me uncomfortable and requested a different set up. 🤷🏻
I relate a lot to your experience and journey ! The decade delay particularly resonates with me, not just on sexuality but socially and the experience with society in general
Omg the part about not being able to fall asleep comfortably next to someone hits sooo hard! I would feel so bad about rustling the sheets or disrupting the pressure of the bed on their side, such silly things, but it stressed me out so much! If i can fall asleep next to someone that’s definitely a big green flag for me, so I learned to take it as a sign rather than a reason for frustration!
I've been really struggling with the sexual side of things as a conventionally attractive male throughout my teen years and 20s. The guilt feeling you've described still plagues me with casual sexual experiences and being lustful. Also, I struggle to know when someone likes me, and I also seem to go from being generally pretty neutral to an emotional mess whenever I find myself in a relationship. At this point I just don't know what to do, and whenever I pass up romantic opportunities I feel guilty too.
It's very interesting, because this is the first time I've heard people describe this guilt feeling and this awkwardness. I was always attracted to girls from puberty sexually, but more as objects of fantasies and masturbation. It seemed somehow unthinkable to actually have sex. I had sex first in my early 20s, then again a few years later and then I really wanted more, but dating was too stressful, so I ended up going to prostitutes a lot.
As high functioning Aspergers I always hated the idea of sleeping in the same bed as someone else. Not because I was conscious of disturbing them but because I HATED the idea of someone touching me or looking at me while I was sleeping....when I wasnt aware of it. The idea creeped me out. And not the kind of creepy I like (Spoken as a true goth).
I was so glad to listen to this very helpful information again. Orion, you have such a light way of sharing your wealth of knowledge. Thanks for making every day better.
I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. I'm a 30 year old woman, and I've been wondering for a while if I'm autistic, but because diagnosis and treatment for adults in my country is pretty much non-existent, I'm just watching your videos to try and understand myself better. Now everything makes more sense and I also have felt way too often like I'm emotionally at least a decade behind to most people. I would love to get married and have a family, but I'm never sure when someone likes me, and the only time I was sure, it turned out the guy only wanted something casual, so at this point I'm starting to abandon the idea of having a family, but that's okay, I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last.
Thank you doc for your good work It’s been months now and my child has improved completely since using your herbs. His therapist and school teacher has confirmed his improvement and this makes me happy God bless you Dr Oyalo
As an autistic in his 20s, I really appreciate having this kind of content. When being asked about my sex life I'd always be like "maybe in five or ten years" and I just understood why because of your video. Thanks.
I don't know for autistic guys, but as an autistic woman, the sensory aspects were also a huge thing. Having a part of somebody else inside of you, a part that, however clean"it is smells bad, but even if you let aside the odors (also all the other body parts odors, because you smell them way more when that close and without clothes), just the fact that there's something inside you, when you already have proprioception issues and have a hard time telling where your body ends and the environment starts, it's very disturbing. There is also the aspect of touch, soft touch is very problematic for me, I do like deep pressure, but not soft touch, so it can be very problematic when trying to have a sexual relationship. The need to learn new movements when you have dyspraxia was also a huge thing. Learning a new movement takes like 1000 times for me and this needs a very patient partner... which young men tend not to be in my experience at least. So I was always fondamentally inconfortable physically, however badly I wanted to have sex with the guy. I had two long lasting relationships (8 years and 5 years). Now in my 40's I don't want to have a romantic relationship, even if I miss so much having a friend living with me and sharing life projects and so on. The sex aspect is so disturbing, that I' m no longer willing to accept it, even if I would really want a life partner.
I am 45. I can relate verbatim. Sex to me is a violation and so overwhelmingly stressful. Apart from procreation, what is the point? It is so much more invasive for women.
@@amyshomesteadanimals unless you’re totally into it it feels like rape and then so confusing hearing that your partner needs it and you should be giving it to them.
@@amyshomesteadanimals I'm surprised this isn't talked about more. Or maybe I'm the weird one. Which I'm okay with but many partners might not be, even though there are non-invasive ways...
I don’t like penetration either because it feels too much from a sensory perspective. But there’s a lot I really enjoy about sexual intimacy that isn’t penetrative. I’ve also been finding it easier to do it for short periods of time and take breaks as soon as something hurts or feels uncomfortable
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm quite certain I'm autistic and your personal sexual experience 100% mirrors mine. In less than 30 minutes, you have explained away years of confusion I have experienced. You have helped me immensely to understand myself. Thank you.
Thank you for this.. it helped me understand myself a lot better. I have been told I am wrong for pretty much everything I do. And being told to change rather than others trying to understand me.
I’m more convinced than ever that I’m autistic. Been divorced for 4 years and people don’t understand why I’m not interested in dating. I’m not interested in random experiences with strangers. I’m quite happy on my own. Demisexuality is a term I’ve never heard, but it resonates with me.
Yeah…. This is me. 110% me. This hurt in so many ways but also gave me such a massive sense of relief. I feel like I can explain so much of my relationships and how I approach and treat people. Demisexuality as you have described it seems to fit me completely. I really only tend to let people in when they have actually seen how I am and aren’t just running away from me. I really do tend to assume that people just straight up don’t like and just tolerate me. So this really explains how I approach and act during relationships and friendships. And the idea of everything just being “late” is so accurate. I genuinely feel like I’m 5-10 years behind my peers. And yeah for sure, I’m 28 and I STILL don’t like dating. 😅 Though I would say that dating and relationships feel much too much like something others want for me, rather than something I actually want for myself. And I tend to get really frustrated with friends trying to “set me up” but they don’t realise that they’re not being helpful. I have a couple friends who I have had “dating” experiences with (but nothing sexual) we just do things that arguably friends would do but we happen to be of opposite genders and we joke about being “on a date.” We’re both probably autistic, not gonna lie.
It must be a complicated and daunting thing to properly and accurately discern & navigate the ever-so-subtle nuances of neuro-needs vs personal space / relationship dynamic needs, and their respective overlapping areas! I think the more people openly investigate, explore and discuss these topics, the better it will be for everyone. Bravo! Well done.
One thing to note for neurotypical people who might be watching this: it's especially hurtful when we lose friendships and relationships because of "positive" autistic moments. Shutdowns and breakdowns are scary and hard. But, if you spurn us because of the intensity of our positive emotions and exuberance over our interests, it is SOUL CRUSHING. This can only happen to someone so many times before they retreat behind a wall of masking and develop a fear of letting our partners see our autistic selves.
The moving in bed thing is so relatable. I personally can't stand the idea of breathing anywhere in the direction of another person's face. We were spooning and you flipped? I'm gonna face the wall now. I also can't sleep if someone's touching me, so I'm only going to end up using the last two feet of my side of the bed. Not too much of a problem since I work nights.
I've never seen this mentioned anywhere except Orion's channel, and now there's tons of us - autistics with this sleeping trouble! It's blown my mind just now. I was able to find someone I can actually sleep through the night with, - BUT ONLY IF NOT 1 MM OF ME IS TOUCHING THEM Lol. A larger bed helps.
Everything you've spoken about makes perfect sense and explains the experiences I had growing up and as an adult. I related to so much there it is making me wonder about myself even more. Watched a lot of your videos and others who speak about Autism and it explains so much that I was aware was atypical about me and knowing that while not usual for neuro typical folks is actually common or more usual for autistic people. Thanks for the insight it has helped a lot.
Thank you Orion. I can so relate to not being able to sleep next to someone else. I felt it for years, this frozen feeling and crazy mind-trains... Something about being with another body and completely unable to let go. I am grateful for your honesty and sharing.
Thank you so much for this video, it took a HUGE load off my shoulders. I'm in my 30s and my romantic life is beginning just now. I wasn't even being rejected (after school I mean, before that there was a lot of bullying), I just didn't have much interest even though I was sure I wasn't entirely asexual. But it always made me feel guilty, like I had lost an important part of my 20s and it was my own fault.
I was diagnosed as Autistic aged 63. I’m so glad I found your video ❤. I can really relate to what you’re saying. Nobody has explained this to me before and now I understand I’m demisexual! I just always struggled to read the signs from the opposite sex etc. this video has been so informative and I really appreciate it.
I watched your video about how to spot an autistic adult yesterday and have been binging your content since. The more I watch, the more I think I'm on the spectrum. Just so many instances where I go "yup, relate to that". And here again: Late bloomer, oblivious to advances from interested people, and the sleeping in the same bed thing: absolutely! took me at least half a year for that to work out. Ugh, I really need to go out and try to get diagnosed. I think that would help me a lot, especially sharing that with my family and closest friends.
Thank you for explaining the differences. As soon as I heard Demisexual tears squirted from my eyes. Finally as an Autistic gay guy I know why I can’t just do it with any random guy. When I have that mental connection with someone I’m turned on and everything works as it should. And when I’m in lust it’s quite the turn off . Craziness, that knowing what I am makes me understand now why dating has been near impossible. Not that I don’t enjoy being with men, but I feel like I’m just helping them out and I don’t get anything from it. Now I know.
This isn't even something that autistic people solely go through my man! It just means you like to have a romantic connection with those you have sexual attractions to... 100% normal!
Thank you so much for your candor. I'm not diagnosed, but some of the "signs" certainly do resonate. Yes, we're all different, and that's okay. I also had a problem sleeping with my partner. Even when I was married.
I was only diagnosed a few years ago. What you're saying is totally relatable to me! I used to make friends with men (or so I thought) and had no idea that they were trying to ask me out. I had no interest in anyone until I was 19 yrs old. It used to freak me out if anyone ever asked me out. I never linked the two together until now. Thanks for making this video. I used to fancy cartoon characters (when I was in my teens) so had some kind of urge... Just not with live people!
So many times men have asked me out and I thought they were trying to be friends. Never figured it out until understanding that it was not that and due to my inability to read those cues.
I totally relate, as an ace person it has been nearly impossible for me to have any type of adult relationship to the point that I have given up even thinking about it...
Thank you so much! This was really helpful and I was glad you mentioned not being able to sleep with people. I have always had a hard time falling asleep with others in the same bed and I usually sleep poorly. I absolutely plan on having separate beds and hearing someone else mention the sleep thing makes me feel a little less weird about it.
Yip! Lying awake frozen and not able to move and unable to sleep besides my (mildly) snoring partners. Thanks, I feel massively less weird now. Thank you so much for being so open about that.
"As an autistic person you just assume that everyone doesn't like you"
That hit me harder than it should have :,)
Oh sweetheart I felt the same way, and it was hard! But in the end I found my identity my sexual identity..... And that is bisexual. Now the issue isn't that I was never able to make friends it's just the romantic connections that I can't seem to make, besides my ex would tell you that she never wanted to talk. And that also comes from someone that didn't quite understand autism, now this doesn't mean that I don't want to get back in the dating game because I totally do. But I feel like they're going to have to deal with parts of me that I don't like it that much about myself. Now dating with autism tough, ( plus it doesn't help that creeps will sometimes be like hey sweetheart you want to go out and be twice my senior. I just have a huge thing about age gaps.)
Another Autistic trait I was unaware of until now. I feel that way too.
I wished I could tell my grandparents this like they be asking me why I don't have a girlfriend or kids as a 32:year old I'm like How Sway like it ain't like I don't want those things I just be feeling like other Folks they got they life together like they don't understand how hard it is to achieve goals like that like telling a POC pull yourself up by the bootstraps you can make it outta the Trap when the system is designed like this to keep me from having Children or a Normal Life like Fr I'm just trying to survive and Maintain
Imagine feeling the desire, assuming (or perhaps knowing) that everyone doesn't like you, and not even having friends to tell you the rare case where someone did like you but you just missed the signs. I'm happy that others could have better experiences but just knowing how other autistic people simply missed signals, didn't really want it anyway, and had a sufficient number of friends to point these things out to them, place the extent of my isolation so much closer to the bottom of the iceberg than even I could of previously imagined--so few have any idea what it really is.
Thanks
I'm realizing I'm autistic and perhaps my wife was too. We had a very healthy, needful, and faithful sexlife. We never became bored with each other's company. We were married 44 years prior to her illness and death. Techniques changed due to physical changes and disabilities but the intimacy, appetite, and pleasure remained.❤
I want to share about a herbal recommendations I got about Dr Oyalo on RUclips and his herbal remedy which work perfectly on my sons improvements and social skill till now. He now speakers in sentences, responds to name and instructions, no more aggressiveness and many more unlike him before
Adorable. Thank you for sharing ❤
So lovely❤
Rip to her 🕊️❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss of a loved one. You had a beautiful marriage.
As an undiagnosed female, looking back on my dating history from teens through my 20's, it's clear to me how almost every romantic relationship I was in came about from the guy being persistent on dating me, and me kind of just going along with it. After a while real "connection" was formed, yes. But I think if I were a male I wouldve hardly had romantic relationships as well.
Same here 🙋🏻♀️
Completely
I'm autistic man I'm 26 years old I'm still a virgin😢
I remember first time I went to a strip club and I payed to private dance it felt weird when the girl sit on my lap I was so shy and I asked her to if I could touch her it felt sweet to cuddle someone in my arms
The way other people see you as a male with autism when you you are shy and introvert they will think you are gay this is the worst thing that happened to me
I don't lack desire or romance, but I lack the social skills and confidence to find them. The biggest problem I have is the fear of social rejection because of my autism, with the additional fear of rejection that comes with approaching someone I'm attracted to. The mask gets in the way every time.
I resonate so much. I used to hide behing this "aro" façade, but the real truth is that I really crave and much I fear intimacy. :(
Ehm...just say it? (or write it down)
"Hey, I find you attractive, but do not know how to say it in the right words".
As long as you can accept that rejection may be one of the responses you will get ... (not everybody you know is somebody you find attractive, right. You also are allowed to select.) you will be fine.
Dating , like everything else, takes practice.
You won't be rejected on your autism, people will see the whole package (and they will like it, or not... only one way to find out).
Trust me, getting the "I like you as well" is far more terrifying than the "eh, thanks for the compliment, but I do not see you that way".
Watch "Hitch"... the guy who does everything wrong ...
Most women (and men afaik) really, really love the fact that the autistic partner is always telling the truth and is him/herself. It may hurt sometimes, but the trust you get from that is priceless. (For both btw)
One of the best selling-points we have ;) .
@@muurrarium9460 Thanks for the advice, I may even get the chance to try it one day...
I know dating takes practice, but I've had very little experience with it.
I struggle with even meeting new people in the first place, but you've given me something to think about.
Thank you.
It's all a matter of practice, as you do it more frequently you won't be afraid of rejection anymore I tell you from experience and you will train your social skills and you will understand neurotypical social patterns, I am also asperger
I forced myself into bartending. To learn social skills.
Lost my virginity at 19 to a 22 yr old female college sports team president (very strong woman) who got me wasted (age to drink is 21) at my first real party, which her team was throwing after a game. I was falling down as she dragged me to her place. The next week or so she and the male half of that same sport which I played all made fun of me. She told everyone how long I performed which was a long time because I was too drunk to finish. I woke up crammed between the side of her mattress and the wall feeling disgusting and she did not let me shower before I ran to class with my first hangover. People don't ever realize that men get raped too we just don't get to say anything about it. Hell, most men don't even consider that a rape, I got 'lucky' to be humiliated.
I wish you all the best in life, I hope you get all the support you need x
I’m sorry that happened
Sorry to read this. You were treated very badly.
Best regards - and if you need any help following the experience you describe, I hope you can find it.
God I’m so sorry
I’m so deeply sorry that happened to you. I hope you are doing ok
Both me and my boyfriend are autistic and we’re just longing to be physically together and sleep in each other’s arms. We’re long distance and total soul mates who want to spend the rest of our lives together. When I first heard about demisexuality I instantly recognized myself there, I’ve never been into dating and just don’t understand why people would just go on dates with strangers or have sex left and right with people they met 5 minutes ago. I don’t fall in love easily, so my boyfriend is truly truly special. I’m 37 and only just realized this summer that I’m autistic. My boyfriend knew about my autism the first time we talked, so he knew before I did. It’s such a relief to be able to just be ourselves with each other, no masking needed
🙏🤍🙏
Lucky for you, you found your person!
Wow, I am 37 too, and only a few months ago met a guy whom I am still very much bonding with, and ot's the first time ever I feel a truly authentic connection with someone who also seems to want to have a deep connection with me. I have not been diagnosed yet, but I resonate so much with other people's autistic experiences, I wonder, how and where did you get diagnosed? I am happy for you and your relationship. I am also lond distance with this guy, we're still getting to know each other, but it's feeling pretty damn right, and I am looking forward to seeing how it progresses. I also never ¨dated¨, never quite got the concept. I need to also have a strong emotional connection to really take it any further. Thank you for sharing you experience.
this is closer to describing my sexuality than anything else I've found. I have never understood how anyone could be sexually attracted to a stranger, or go on a "date" with someone they hardly know. another thing is the way women will get totally naked in front of me to change into a swimsuit or something with almost no warning, no inhibition, and expect the same of me because we're both girls. in those moments I am acutely aware that I am not like most people.
Oh goodness same here!!! I've always found it scary to go home with a random person and then have sex with them. I've never been into hookup culture and find the whole concept bizarre, not to mention dangerous.
I assume you mean demisexual? Fun fact, it is a microlabel underneath any allosexual sexuality. One can be a demisexual homosexual, aka only attracted to the same sex after a strong emotional bond.
I think it’s better to know someone before doing anything with them. Wait at least 6 months so you know them first. I’m a Christian so I think waiting until marriage is best but I know most people, even professing Christians, don’t wait
@@Nakia11798 I think it's part of the asexual spectrum, not allosexual. Allosexual is someone who frequently experiences sexual attraction. Asexual is someone who lacks sexual attraction.
*@ohbabycat* I know... How weird is it that others can just have genuinely casual sex with strangers? Hard to imagine when people like us require comfort as well as attraction.
However (guy here), regarding nudity, I strangely kinda don't give a crap about people seeing me naked. Despite that, I generally act modest because I don't want to offend people and deal with the emotional repercussions of that, and I can't read such things too well. However, if I know for sure they don't mind, then I don't mind because I'm not _actually_ modest.
I'm demisexual. Outside a safe, committed, healthy relationship I'm basically asexual and sex averse (not repulsed, it just seems awkward to think about doing that with anyone, including super attractive people) and my libido is way down. In a relationship that meets the above criteria, sex is one of my love languages and a super important part of bonding and caring and feeling loved and I'd be happy to do it 2X/day. It does make sense in the light of autism and how I approach relationships in general.
That's not demisexual, that's just looking out for your wellbeing
@@jonahsemyonov9985that’s demisexual behavior 🙄
I got married about 7 years ago and after only a few months, my marriage became emotionally abusive because my husband does not understand (or even try to understand) my autism, he’s very demanding and doesn’t understand why I don’t do everything the way he thinks I should. Needless to say I have no physical attraction for him anymore, another thing for him to be angry at me over…
I'm Demi, but may or may not have casual partners that I'm deeply connected to. I've had 2-3 partners on and off for 20 years, with breaks for committed, doomed, but monogamous relationships..
❤ I relate, Thankyou
I was a programmer. I ended up working with an attractive girl and wherever we went the boss put us together because our skillset worked. One Wednesday she said that we have to get married. On the Saturday in 96 we drove from LA to Vegas and got married. We are still together.
🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
Thats so romantic 😅❤
You married your guardian angel.
They have to make the first move. We, many times, end up with strong assertive women that aren't looking for an assertive male. I have had run ins with three very wealthy women this way. One I had to remind that I am a human too.
Happy to hear you found each other. I'm a programmer too. Nice to find out that someone fits with you. Found my wife by accident on a holiday. We are very happy
Remembering a conversation I had with a friend in high school; she was telling me that she felt sexual chemistry was nearly the most important thing in a relationship. So much so to the point that sleeping with the potential partner was step one in figuring out if it would last. It made me feel really weird because it seemed to me that there was so much more to a relationship and that to get to that point I would need to really know and trust the person before sharing my body in that way. I thought at the time is was just because I was raised in a religious household, but much later my husband said it sounded like I fit the demisexual description. Recently falling into this rabbit hole of identifying with a lot of autistic traits, my life is starting to make a lot of sense seeing as I’ve felt extremely “other” in a variety of ways for as long as I can remember.
Is the Bible for demisexuals? 😂
It’s funny because I always thought I was healthy and connected my emotions and committed relationship with sexual attraction and safety. But now I’m starting to wonder…
Felt this
I feel the most attracted to intelligent people. When i was younger (and not so young) i was always in love with male teachers 😂. The least intelectual or man lacking in some kind of expertise were very disappointing. Off course theres some characteristics i like in a man appearance wise, but theyre not the mainstream stereotypes
@@visionvixxenwhat i can tell you is that i converted as an adult. And now that i follow biblical principles i feel a new peace of mind. So yes maybe youre onto something. I wont allow anyone to touch a hair on my head if they dont bother to know me as a human being. And i want to know them to deeply concerning mindset, values, etc.
This is what I've been looking for. So many people just ignore the topic of sex for autistic people, exactly for that reason that we're too innocent or childlike. This was wonderful and insightful. Thank you. 🌻
I’m grateful to hear that Kelsey. Thanks!
I find my child like nature has people very comfortable with demonising my sexuality.
But then there is also that if you refer to yourself as a child (well, as if being like a child to a certain points in certain aspects, I mean) other autistic people think you are weird.
People seem to think I'm childlike and no one thinks I'm autistic. They do know I have ADHD, so I guess that's infantalized too.
@@orionkelly i realized i might be gay when i was 14/15 because me and my best friend Kevin had our lunch in the boys changing room and Kevin got his penis out only in front of me (as best friends)
This video unlocked the confusing memory of being called "a heartbreaker" through grade school and even voted "Biggest Flirt" in 8th grade despite never actually really dating anybody. What I now know is my asexuality paired with autism that romantic relationships were just NEVER on my radar. A bit extroverted (or masking to be one), being jokingly flirty was my way of "appearing funny/friendly" in social settings. What I didn't realize is that some people didn't know this personality was an act, landing me in SO many confusing "breakups" where people accused me of leading them on or never asking them out.
Being asexual, I was(am) so confused how anybody could be attracted to me in an emotional/sexual way.
Being autistic, I had no idea how to communicate how these revelations of emotion to me always felt like a betrayal.
All the more ways I have no option but to laugh at my silly, lovely brain.
Edit: I am now 30 and engaged to a person I jokingly asked to marry once and didn’t realize until a week later when other people were congratulating me that I realized what I’d done. Luckily we are still together 7 years later and they appreciate all of my quirky social misunderstandings. And we do not share a bed either, because I cannot sleep near another person either.
As I have gotten older, I am easily awakened by any slight movement or tiny noise, so sleeping with another person in the same bed would be out of the question.
how gay are you bro lmao
May I ask a personal question? What would you be willing to open up if your partner is not asexual?
this has happened to me so many times lol.
@@karynbanksley7110I used to be that sensitive to noise as well. If someone would turn on the light in the hallway, the switch was old and loud, I’d wake up. If my sister who shared a room with me got out of bed, I’d wake up. If there was a light from a charger facing me or the light from the alarm clock, I’d have trouble sleeping. After having kids I guess my body got too exhausted to be that overly sensitive and just lets me sleep better usually. Still kind of a light sleeper though
Holy crap yes to the bed sharing thing. I could not sleep. I was always so conscious of moving and my movements being felt. I never went to sleep first and needed to hear that they were deep in sleep and harder to disturb before I could get comfortable. I would just not get to sleep quite often. There was more to it for me as an allosexual person than being hyper conscious of disturbing them, but it now seems like it was all connected.
I felt the exact same thing with my ex! Didn't know other people hade the same problem. The first months with her I could never fall asleep if she wasn't asleep before me. And even when she was asleep it could take hours for me. Also being very uncomfortable moving, or worst of all, getting up and going to the bathroom.
Same here! I realized at some point that using a separate comforter for me was a game changer. I was able to sleep sooooo much better. Suddenly it felt like I had my own little bubble and every move I made wouldn't affect the other person, otherwise I would not be able to sleep.
Typically, it takes me a bit of time (maybe a week?) of sleeping with someone else in the bed to start being able to sleep close to properly. This pretty much rules out casual sleepovers, etc.
I cried because this resonates with me so much. I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I am relieved to know that this is a thing (although I feel so sad to know that others struggle/struggled with this too!). I felt this with girl friends sleeping over and the relationships I’ve had with guys, so far. I find that I have ignored my own wants/needs just to please the other person (or feel like I am). How have y’all been able to move past this? I mean feeling bad about every move you make and not wanting to move to disturb them, etc. ?
I’m sure there is a lot more to this for me, too. I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past 27 minutes of this video than I have in the past 27 years of my life…This is truly eye opening. While I have many, many more questions, I feel like I have a general direction to head in, so I can do a deep dive and figure out what is going on inside.
Lol. Then when you can’t sleep they get bothered and you get more uptight about bothering them while trying to sleep yourself 😂
Same w sex sometimes even thinking that them doing stuff to you is taking so long that they’ll get bored and you are too conscious about all of it - don’t understand the enjoy part. 😂
It's possible to even go on a coffee date (granted, midmorning) with someone you just met and not realize they considered it a date. Just floating through the event chatting, wondering idly for a moment why the person is so dressed up midmorning, mystified by how weird it is because they're smiling insanely for the whole hour, they're pretending to hang on every word, laughing at pretty much everything I say that's remotely funny (and not so much), claiming I'm just fascinating (too weird, especially since they just met me, and frankly I'm not fascinating). Only a half a day later do I put all that together and realize OMG, it was supposed to be a date... in their mind.
🤣
Ugh. I had something like that happen. I thought it was, then thought it wasn't, then just got confused.
sorrry.. idk how old you are but meeting anyone mid moring for a first date is the dumbest waste of time ever.,
@@jjswigger8591 S/he didn't consider it a date. The other person apparently did.
@jjswigger8591 this comment is rude
It can be terrifying to live in a world that is sex-centric as a demisexual person! In school around age 16 I just felt so angry at everyone for sexualizing every social interaction! Dating is also dangerous given social disability, because autistic folks of any gender are often taken advantage of! Thankfully I met my husband at 17. ❤️
It's even worse as an asexual, dear. At least someday you will FEEL sexual attraction and know what it's supposed to feel like, but for asexuals, we'll never feel that, we'll ALWAYS feel left out of some basic entitlement of life.
And yeah, people sexualizing things will ALWAYS be uncomfortable, even if it's our long-term romantic partner.
this! I cant stand how sexualized society is.. it makes for misrepresentation of sexual identies, preferences and orientations.
@@Nakia11798 Demisexual = asexual it is on the asexual spectrum and is a type of gray asexuality. We are asexual and live an asexual experience. Just because some of us will sometimes have sex with a person that we have established an emotional connection with does not mean that sexuality being forced into every single aspect of your life (school, work, tv, friends) is any less unpleasant or discomforting for a demisexual person.
Even if you’re someone with a fairly high sex drive the sex centric nature of the world can be disturbing. I often feel like the world behaves like 13 year old boys who think sex is dirty. The obsessive nature of sex in public sphere-the non-stop references are incredibly annoying. Personally, I prefer all sexual references be private.
@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS I agree, it's instrusive!! 🤦♀️
I'm in my sixties and it has occurred to me that people of my generation were never diagnosed because there was such a lack of understanding about the autism spectrum during the time we were growing up. "Oddities" were just dealt with in whatever way possible. I'm recently widowed and with my current companion sleeping over just isn't an option. I've suspected he is on the autism spectrum for a variety of reasons. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this and other videos. (We even watched one of them together!) It helps me too understand some things about him that seem quirky. To be fair, I'm not sure I'm completely "neutotypical" either. Thanks again, so much, for your RUclips channel! Understanding is a very good thing!
i can completely relate to your experiences of not being able to sleep when sharing a bed. In my head I also couldn't move or would try to move so slowly or let someone sleep on my arm even though it had gone tingly from being pinched. I am very thankful that I am not challenged to sleep in the same bed with my spouse. Thankfully even before my diagnosis he understood I struggled with it and let me sleep in my own bed. Good night sleep helps both of us be happy and healthy. Thanks for this video :)
Hubby and I haven’t slept together for years. We both get a better night for it, because I am a very restless sleeper. I too was always on edge for fear of waking him.
From the day my hubby and I began dating, we were both in our 30's & 40's, I was divorced with 2 teenagers, he a single guy, and both of us agreed that even before we had sex that we'd have to both have a separate place to sleep. Needless to say, we're still together 22 years later. Nothing wrong with claiming your sleeping spot for one only!
@@cheypam - brilliant. My hubby and I have slept separately for years. We still think the world of each other and are very close. 💐
@@cornishmaid9138 That's wonderful! There's nothing better for any relationship than a good night's sleep!
Wow. I thought I was the only one like this😳
I love how you honored us being vulnerable with us, thank you so much this is helping me to understand my beautiful son so much better❤
There's absolutely NOTHING wrong (or autistic)with wanting to have an emotional connection and strong bond with someone before having sex with them. It's the way it should be!
I disagree. First comes a sexual attraction, then the bond comes later when you get to know the person. Sometimes it's nice to enjoy the crush without having to "bond" before you feel those lovely "crush" feelings.
If the "crush" or "lust" comes after bonding, this is considered a-sexual or demi-sexual. Please feel free to fly your a-sexual flag, because you actually qualify as being on the asexual spectrum.
There is no one way anyone "SHOULD" be. People just are. Just because you are demi-sexual, doesn't mean people who are traditionally attracted via a crush are wrong. People have different feelings in different ways.
@@MsGenXodus ... and with different persons. We don't connect the same way with everyone.
It's just the "bonding" thing that makes me wonder. Because for me it's more natural to bond strongly with someone platonically before bonding romantically. Sex can be connected to both or neither for me. Then I also think that what the other perons signals and what she (in my case) wants strongly effects the way I get interested.
@Heather Petersen Exactly! Cut the last sentence and the comment will be fine.
Agree. Decades ago it was the way most people did it anyway.
I agree I find it odd that taking your time in a relationship and waiting for sex is an autistic trait, many autistic people can be very promiscuous as well.
I laughed so hard at the relatability of being oblivious to people liking you and someone asking you out. Check check, check. I literally have my friend tell me that someone likes me and I'm like, really?! They're like, YES! I just assume everybody hates me too, LOL. And I was asked out before and had no idea. It was my co-workers that told me that I was just asked out 🤣It wasn't like they specifically said, do you want to go out with me? So, I had no idea. They asked me for coffee or dinner and I just thought it meant as a friend, hahah. The best thing I ever discovered, was sleeping with my own comforter when sleeping in the same bed with someone. I able to sleep sooooooo much better!
In dating i like strict 'romantic rules' ex going out, eat etc. The man a gentleman, give flowers or some treat. Then nothing moore. Some more dating, and if it's chemistry yes it will be so something moore.❤. And then it doesn't have to be romantic. Moore desire and fun. I'm moore simple than most women and yes in autistic spectrum😊
This is literally my exact experience. I’m 22 and I just recently had my first girlfriend. The only reason I felt comfortable with her is because she is also autistic. The one time that we slept in the same bed, I also stayed up the entire night.
I relate to this. There are people I knew in elementary that had girlfriends in high school and with me I have tried online but It hasn't worked out. I am also autistic so one of my fears is the girl not understanding why I am the way i am.
Sharing a bed, even with siblings on vacation has always been hellish for me. I think it is the sensory issues that cause it, because it is already hard to fall asleep by myself. But when someone else is there, there is the added factor of hearing them breathe, temperature changes, feeling them move or accidentally touching while rolling over. It is not easy, and I have always hated sleepovers because of it.
As a self-identified robot with an aversion to being touched, i found your video enlightening. I especially liked when you reveal that your main interests in early youth included working with/on radio. Me too.
I generally don’t discuss my first experiences which were precursor activities to actual sexual acts- mostly because I know that society “frowns upon” bluntness and candid description of these things. Also, for me it was confusing and traumatic. As well, i was “ambushed” by other kids who’d set up an interaction (a surprise) between myself and someone else because they wanted to see how i reacted. It was then i began to realise THEY were confused by my lack of interest or talk of “sexual participation”.
Alexithymia leaves me feeling uncomfortable , even to have recalled it.
great way to address and talk through all of this mate - diagnosed in last 2 months, at 48, and I absolutely associate and value your ability to sum up your experience, on my behalf. You have helped me "shortcut" through this issue and question. I appreciate your frank honest autistic personage - thankyou mate, luv it!
Demisexual, aromantic, later life awareness... Yup, this matches me. Gay too. I've had many things to explore and unpack. I'm not fully diagnosed but I've tested with multiple strongly autistic traits with further testing recommended. Likely high functioning Asperger's. This is speaking my language ❤️
I'm demigrey - this blend of demisexuality and grey asexuality, where for me, desire is infrequent, even when I do have an emotional bond with someone. When I'm in the mood, I'm really in the mood, but when I'm not in the mood, I'm repulsed. To a large degree, I enjoy sex as an intellectual pursuit - it is interesting to think about, to write about, to read about, but the reality is messy and icky and not for me, most of the time. There's definitely a degree of the repulsion being connected to sensory sensitivities for me. I also, generally, find activities such as mutual grooming (hair brushing), or cuddling, to be more intimate than sex - to me, that aspect of taking care of each other is more significant in pair bonding. In general, I don't enjoy physical contact with others - I am reluctant to shake hands, hug, and similar things, in public, even with people I know - they can trigger sensory overload if I am in an environment where I am already having to deal with overstimulation, and having to mask. If I am willing to snuggle, or to brush someone's hair, or to have my hair brushed, it is because I am willing to be vulnerable with that person, because I feel safe with that person.
Such classy coverage of this topic while staying real! Thank you!
Thank you sooooo much for this channel. I don't know why the algorithm suggested this kind of material and your channel in particular BUT I am really thankful it did. I have had interpersonal relationship difficulties my whole life. My inability to "regulate" myself has really been a challenging and has truly held me back from accomplishing things that would have otherwise been easy. Most recently I have found myself struggling in social situations that I don't think (operative word) should be difficult. So much of what you said in this video resonated with me that I'm relieved. Adapting to a possible illness feels so much easier to deal with than just feeling confused as to why people react to me in the ways you have described in your other videos or being confused about the feelings you described in this one. I still have to do the work to have a better life but now I know that I have examples of other people dealing with what I've dealt with. Thank you so much. I am truly grateful.
I am deeply emotionally attached to my husband and I’m very much heterosexual, but as far as sexual activity goes, I’m an autosexual, only pleasing myself because only I can please myself. It’s sad, but I had to give up trying to have “normal” sex. My life overall is diy in so many ways, and that includes my sex life.
I had to look up ‘auto sexual’ and it’s exactly what I am as well! I thought I was asexual in terms of sexual activity but pansexual because I can fall in love with anyone (though it’s a rare occurrence) but both those terms didn’t fully make sense. You’re so lucky to have found emotional attachment. If only I could find someone who was ok with all my quirky quirks. ❤
I wonder if I am autosexual too as I only feel satisfied when I self please :/ I have sex with my husband but don't really desire or enjoy it.
Many many people are like you, but won't admit it because they feel they are missing out on something, or too strange. One woman told me she had never had an orgasm. I asked if she could do it on her own and she said. " of course, all the time" but in her mind, she was frigid because she had never experienced it with a partner. I convinced her it wasn't uncommon, then to do it with me in the room. Once she did that and was comfortable with it, it wasn't long before was having orgasms all the time from sex, fingers, tongues, household items, toys, etc. But I think I'm the autistic one. I have never been on board with the whole love/sex connection. I can love people and not have sex and vice versa. Having both with the same person doesn't happen- love destroyed the fun and made sex play so heavy and serious.
Try Tantric sex with your husband for at least 6 months before you give up having mutual orgasms.
Also if you have him please you several times before he gets to finish off with a mutual you will be having a great marriage..We have since 1974. We are still very happy although often one or the other sleeps alone due to a bad back. But we always please each other before we rest.
Thank goodness it’s not just me. I’m autosexual and never had a partner that pleases me like I do but I’m pan romantic and fall in love with souls. I think I’m also Demi but the sex thing is auto sexual for sure with me. I. So grateful to have come across you all… at last..some one I can relate to. I wish society would stop trying to promo the whole heterosexual thing like it’s fashion…. To me it’s bull shit because we are not all cheesy straight couples kissing in films and on TV
The being on a "conventionally younger" mindset is such a relatable thing 😥
The sleep thing I relate to so much. I basically spent 5 days awake when I went on holiday with my then boyfriend until the exhaustion overwhelmed me, then I could sleep normally. Its like I had to get through that barrier. I think it shows just how much my brain thinks it needs to be on alert and to mask around people.
😭😭😭😭😭 hi sister from another mister. I had 3 holidays ruined with my ex because of this. On one of them I started to have chest pains cos I was so exhausted. And of course the anxiety of the situation made it worse. I was managing to sleep a bit but it was like 1 or 2 hours per night and sometimes not deep.
Yes that’s it - in a nutshell. Going through a secret exhaustion barrier first....just dreadful!
I was an undiagnosed woman my whole life. I am pansexual/demisexual and aromantic as well. I learned all this stuff about 10 years ago or more.. but I am only learning now about my autism, at 44. It's been so hard for me to connect with others.. and the amount of teasing I would get from others because I didn't want to date or hook up has been the bane of my existence growing up. It feels so good to feel seen.
I’m someone who was a teenager in the 80s, and the culture was all about find “perfect someone, get into a perfect relationship, get married, have kids and all that.”
I’m learning more about myself and realizing after being hurt too many times causes a loss of trust and a loss of that emotional bond and a loss of attraction to that person. I still love my partner, but…. no desire to be intimate. I’m realizing that I’m demisexual and possibly on the spectrum. I identify with a lot of the traits my son’s girlfriend has, and she is diagnosed ASD.
Any wonder why your son chose her .....bingo
Thank you! I could see that this took a great deal of effort to complete. I understand completely. Your experience so mirrored my son's journey. We knew that he was ADHD, but the diagnosis of Autism was not until he was in his 30s. He also had/has challenges around strong bond first then physical expression. We used to walk through grocery stores, and women would try to gain his attention. I would see it but he was oblivious. Your videos' have been both educational and affirming. Many AHA moments, of that is so me. Came to my diagnosis late as well. Keep the info coming, it works.
I want to share about a herbal recommendations I got about Dr Oyalo on RUclips and his herbal remedy which work perfectly on my sons improvements and social skill till now. He now speakers in sentences, responds to name and instructions, no more aggressiveness and many more unlike him before
@@angelabinns-sy2636 that’s so cool I hope your son is thriving …I just realized after another meltdown and identity crisis I’ve been trying so hard to act normal and then realizing I never stopped being bullied I put on muscle to protect myself but in the adult world the bullies are psychological and it’s hard to see a big boy like me and think I’m Autistic. I’m awkward when women advance at me or yelled at for not noticing and then taking everything literal to see I’ve been oblivious to the evil side of Humanity was heart breaking… like how come one one told me … I was scared before but now I’m just a hermit … my mom is in denial
I missed so many opportunities growing up because most of my sweetest friends were actually into me. I had no idea. There all married now. I have dated but nothing long term. I only found out I was autistic the last 5 years. I’m 39.
I think the more we understand ourselves the easier this ride gets. Whoever reads this today I hope you discover yourself and your needs this week. Blessings and hugs ❤😊
Edit. You might wanna take your top off 😂🤣😂🤣 ok we could be friends. Your hilarious. New sub
Thanks Bron :)
I totaly understand.
I tend to get along with males better but ive had male friends just drop out of my life because i started seeing a male.
I so miss my friend Bryan who had been one of my closest and oldest friends because he did this .
Would not even tell my why he was compleatly MIA all of a sudden but it coincided with him meeting a new boyfriend after i had broke up with my partner of 13 years.
I really don't know what happened for sure but when i broke up with that long term partner, he sat me down and had to drive home to me that he is my friend, he is not going to leave our friendship, he is here for me 100% and was not going to maintain a friendship with my ex .
I thought it was very odd he had to have this conversation with me in the way he did it as i was not asking anyone to take side's, i only asked that if they still seen my ex , my life was not to be a converstation with them and i did not want to talk about the ex.
But the day he met a guy i started dating, bryan just disappeared forever after that.
So much for there for me 100 %.
Had the same thing happen with my mate shannon that i loved dearly as a friend and house mate. we always had a weird chemistry going on that kind of felt like if we just where not going to hurt others , things would just fall in to place for us but i met him through that partner i had for 13 years .
They had been best mates since they where 5.
Once i started living with my partner, he droped out of both of our lives for many years.
I dont even think he evet spoke to my now ex again to tell you the truth.
He is married now and we talk from time to time but he has to hide that he has spoken to me from his wife and and i dont understand why she hates us 2 talking.
She always accused us of having affairs but nothing of the sort ever happened.
He was my house mate , you dont even entertain the thought of that because if it goes wrong, someone has to move out but there had been a few moments that it just felt like he was treating me like the one that got away.
If he had those thought way back when we where younger,
I actually think we could of been "the one" to eachother but right person , wrong time, young and stupid when we both knew we had something very diffent compaired to other friendships, i never felt like i had to mask around him and i aways understood that my intentions where good, i never had to explain myself with him , he never never had to with me ,he never socially burnt me out but one day he just up and went the day i started seeing his best friend seriously.
No explanation again.
Over 20 years later now and he still holds a place in my heart and i do with him, we started talking again about 10 years after all this happened and we just slipped in to that comfortable as old boots thing we both had going on but we chose our paths way back then and both of us ended up in relationships that we stayed in, then his wife made it to difficult for us to even be friends.
So he hide our friendship from her and i only hear from him every now when he really needs a shoulder and he dosent think his wife will ever understand him and what his thoughts and feeling are .
The only thing ive nevet understood is if he wanted something more, why dident he say so when we where both single?
We get eachother on a level that neither have ever found with another.
But he knows , i really dont like that he has to hide talking to me as i dont want him lieing to his wife.
Im not a home wrecker.
But the intermatecy we have without a romantic or sexual relationship causes trouble for him with the wife and id rather him have a happy home life even if that means i have to back away from the friendship now.
Funny thing is , i would not be suprised if he is ASD too.
2 of his kids are but way back then , i was not even diagnosed and us 2 where/ still like peas in a pod together .
But its like our friendship has some sort of forbidden stamp on it from so many angles.
The selfish part of me , just want my shanno back in what ever way it comes but i really dont want him to have trouble over me being on his life.
I’m definitely Demi sexual I have turned down so many advances of women throughout my life over and over and always felt uncomfortable when people came onto me, my friends would say why not? If an attractive woman came onto me but I would try explain I needed a person to be attractive as a person inside.
I’d try be like everyone when was younger but it didn’t feel right for me, I didn’t like it casually either I felt uncomfortable too I remember feeling weird for needing a strong bond and when I’d try be different I wouldn’t like it so I stopped trying that way.
I’ve always cared so deeply about people pleasing and how the other person feels, the idea of sleeping with hundred people never interested me like the guys I knew,I just always wanted to find someone I could be close to and feel accepted by and share my life with them, luckily I did ❤
This made my life make so much more sense. I "dated" guys in high school, but honestly, all I wanted was a best friend and I was super uncomfortable when they went beyond that threshold (consentual but probably just trying to seem "normal"). In my senior year of high schoo,l I developed a crush on one of my female friends who I ate lunch with alone everyday. It was the most real attraction I'd ever felt and also made me question everything. Now I'm a junior in college and a lesbian and am suspecting that I may be autistic and everything is starting make a lot more sense
Demi-lesbian? Good for you!
I accept you and I like you. Thanks for this wonderful series!
I'm still just trying to find a best friend so I can actually truly experience freedom of my sexuality and everything in that safe relationship and I am now 40. It never happened.
Undiagnosed, but fairly certain to be autistic, 26yo here. Had my first intimate/sexual relationship/experience a little over a year ago. The "sleeping" in the same bed thing really resonates. I could not for the life of me get any sleep when sharing a bed. Not just with her, but with anyone for that matter, since thinking back on it, I was never able to sleep when sharing a bed with friends or siblings either when I was young.
Thank you for discussing those taboo topics. Very informative! 💖
Thanks so much for watching!
This is a perfect share. I also like how you demonstrate eye blinking as energy brushing/stimming for positivite momentum.
This is a very generous, kind, helpful video. Thank you, Orion! You make a lot of people feel less alone and that is really important work in our world today. I love your authenticity and your big heart.
This was so on point! I’ve never heard someone else share the observation before that that there seems to be a correlation or a high percentage of the LGBTQIAP+ community being on the autism spectrum! Glad to know I’m not the only one.
Yes you are so right there then too of course. I feel that way too!
I've just subscribed to you because of the sleeping with another person in the bed thing, lol! I just found out this year that I was autistic, and I'm 56. It's been life changing to finally know what I am, after years and years of searching and only coming up with partial answers or complete dead ends. I've known my whole life that I thought differently than others. This definitely explains my weird love life, lol! I don't like sleeping with another person either, I sweat when I sleep, and another person's radiating warmth is like sleeping in a sauna.
I also subscribed because of the sleeping thing - a lifetime mystery explained! Haha, bless RUclips and this man Orion
@@innerwoods Amen!
Me three. 56. Just subscribed last week and realized I'm autistic....not crazy. My internal temperature reader is fragile. I'm too hot or too cold all the time. It's hard to get regulated. And def hard to sleep with others.
Me 4 and I’m 70! Just figured out about 7 months ago I must be autistic. This explains SOOOOO much of my life!!
Alright, 5 realizing at 63 that many behaviors and feelings may be tied to ASD...
Relief!
New subscriber! Thank you so much for this! I am a 72 grandmother to my almost 17 year old grandson who I adore! He lives with his single dad and I help out daily in their lives. My grandson is moderately autistic..in 11th grade, doing as well as he can. When he is interested in something, he does FANTASTIC but if he is not interested, he barely passes but still has a good attitude. He is very innocent and sweet..has only one friend outside of school..a neighbor girl who is 4 years younger. They get along wonderfully..never ever a problem..very innocent in watching RUclips videos and characters. I just want the best for him and give him his space 💕
I only got through half and the tears are streaming. I am a senior, married to an Asperger/autistic man (super intelligent had a prestigious job and not aware of his autism). I didn’t know anything about autism for the first 5 years and thought there was something wrong with me, I had previously been married for 20 yrs to an NT person so, omg, the damage and stress of this odd rejection affected my self esteem resulting in serious physical issues. 10 years later, after realizing it wasn’t his fault just his brain wiring, I am still married because I do love him yet I am so brutally lonely. I can’t even finish watching this because the grief of losing what is normal affection and touching for me is too much. Tears..please discuss how this impacts NT people. During the first few years of our courtship everything was “normal”, in fact he was great but after we got married…well, I got rid of all the sexy stuff because it didn’t matter.
Sorry to hear you are so lonely in your marriage. It's a hard burden to bear, having no physical contact. My story is similar, and I sympathise with you so much. The only answer I've found after 23 years is to make the most of the warmth of your friends and family. I never refuse a hug!
@@andanotherthing619 Thank you and it feels comforting knowing I am not the only one. Sending you love and a hug. I have dogs which help very much and try to be as social as (Covid) possible. I never turn down a hug either 🫶🏻
@@PARoth2011 Right back at you with the hug!! We are by no means alone - I know other older ladies who have the same problem - and you're so right, pets are hugely important and comforting when you long for closeness. My choice was always cats (we lost our last to cancer, in May) and after we move house I want to give a home to rescue cats (plural) so I can be a *real* Cat Lady. Husband not keen. Don't care!!!
@@andanotherthing619 haha..you go girl! I love cats and have a rescue as my barn cat who does an excellent job keeping us mouse free. I’m about to rescue our 3rd dog on Thursday, a 14 mo old sweet, German Shepherd who needs a home. I’ve got training experience (benefit of all those years) and she and I will join our local dog training club to get social needs met for the both of us.
@@PARoth2011 Wonderful!! How lovely to have a puppy, and a German Shepherd at that! Hope you have a great time getting to know other trainees/ trainers too!
I truly enjoyed this video. I recently was diagnosed with autism (almost 40). I understood so much of what you were speaking of. Someone who dealt with sexual abuse, i was also intrigued by people and behavior especially as i became older. You can learn so much about a person sexually and being demisexual it can sometimes create a deeper bond or ruin it. I dont mean just "bad" sex but their mind as well, and that makes sharing a personal space such as your bed so much easier if the bond becomes deeper, you will find comfort and not feel you're crawling out of your alien skin.
I like what you said about friends. So true, the friends drop away..even my family. I am a very sexual person. Its a language I can speak. But only with a strong connection, demisexual. I had never heard that term before. Thank you Orion. Another great video
Thank you for being willing to tackle this subject. Education is so important.
I am so, so elated that I have found you. I knew zero about autism and if I hadn't met my boyfriend, I would still know zero. I knew he was different but had no idea of how different. Autistic people are charming. I love their innocence. I love that they are different. I love the fact that I am on a fabulous journey. xx
Thank you for loving him enough to learn about this. That’s beautiful ❤
You sound like your words come from a good place but please don't fetishize autistic people. We're all individuals and none is like the other, we're not all the same.
@@anniestumpy9918 get a grip! I showed appreciation for something I think is beautiful. I didn’t do anything else. Sounds like you need a break from tik tok!
I know we are not all the same. I’m autistic myself. Where did I say we are all the same?
Go get triggered elsewhere thanks I wasn’t speaking to you and I won’t after this msg. If me giving someone else a compliment upsets you that much I sincerely hope you get help!
Gross calling us innocent. It really infantilizes the adults you’re speaking about.
@@Jaytee1765 get a life honey
This was not just informative, but also a relief. I've honestly watched and read a lot of accounts on this topic and most of them seemed either extremely abridged (as if the presenter was afraid to be too honest) or over-simplified to the point of complicating things more! Thank you for the descriptions and for sharing your knowledge as well as personal experience! I definitely relate to very much of this!
OH MY GOD!!You just explained my whole teen/20s experience mentally wise! Practical wise, more happened - but emotionally, maturity and behavioural wise this was spot on!!
Thank you for this vulnerable, inclusive, and thoughtful video that is clearly motivated by love and acceptance.
Hi! Autistic panromantic ace here. Firstly thanks for doing this, it’s an area of autism not many people talk about! However it’s not true that aces don’t experience attraction or feelings, many of us experience aesthetic and/or romantic attraction and/or romantic love. Asexual just means you don’t look at people and want to have sex with them. There’s also grey aces, who experience infrequent and/or low-intensity sexual attraction. They’re also an important part of the acespec community. Hope this is constructive and doesn’t sound too critical, just wanted to clarify. There are a lot of ND folks in the acespec community 💜
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences. I appreciate it.
@@orionkelly thanks for listening! 😊
Very interesting!!! Thanks River.
Yeah I'm a biromamtic gray-ace (Demi) very aspec. None of the other sexualities fit me well
Yes. Im demisexual and autistic. The emotional bond is so important and once it exists im super attracted to the person.
Dating with no experience in your twenties is wild. I went from my first ever date date to losing my virginity in a few months. Usually that development takes people years. I feel bad about not being ready but this video makes me feel less insecure. My development is just different from most people and that’s okay.
I went from zero social skills, never having been to a party, never having had a drink, never kissed, never really hugged anyone, never having had a girlfriend, and etc. to losing my virginity, getting a girlfriend, getting cheated on, rebounding, falling into rebound depression, getting used, getting another girlfriend, becoming a convenience, becoming super social, having girls fight over me, having too many options to settle for any one and keeping sidepieces, long distance relationships, drama, flying across the world for a woman...and more in about the span of 8 months. All I needed was for the experts and my mom to stay out of my life, and to have my own place.
I was 26 years old.
@@WinglessRain Amazing story.
When I found that demisexuality was a thing I almost cried. I didn't have sex until I was 21 years old, with my now husband, and I had always thought I was just a prude; got picked on a lot for it by friends and partners 🙃
27 and practically raped. Forced myself so often afterwards. It kind of grosses me unles very very very drunk and the. The emotional respect for me and allowing me to be me MUST be there or no sex will ever happenS
Lol. What you said about comfortable in the bed….
I don’t like worrying about the other person.
@chibiRagdollOG exactly the same except I was 22.
@@visionvixxen that sounds like possibly sex-repulsed asexuality, or at the very least sex-indifferent. But there's also Aceflux, and sexual interest can fluctuate from favourable to indifferent to repulsed for some Aces/grey aces as well
Ugh I'm sorry, I'm also demisexual and I can relate to being picked on for not having allo sexual interest and behaviour. Allonormativity can lead to allos being acephobic or just toxic.
Thank you for sharing! That part about the decade-delay really hit home for me.
To have understood my own nature well enough to have been able to describe myself as panromantic and demisexual some time ago, has been a huge relief for me, because it made me realize I belong to a category of people, instead of having this unique, obscure preference nobody can relate with, which then would be my duty to explain every single time someone uses a sexual reference to elicit a response (usually intended as humor). While I get the point, my response is usually not very enthusiastic, unless I fake it to "fit in".
I so get what you mean when you are trying to describe this hormonal, animalistic response we would still have, and how it's different from a response dominated by an emotional bond. The relevant segments of this video have been the most accurate descriptions of my preferences yet!
One thing I have read in documentation from my Dr. is that people with ADHD and Autism can find themselves attracted to dangerous sexual situations and, I won't go into details but I can say, in my near 28 years as an active Polyamorous, Aromantic & Demisexual member of the Fetish community also my interest in BDSM is a massive part of my sexuality), I have met a lot of neurodivergence. Also never notice being chatted up. Allegedly it happens every weekend at my DJ booth.😅
I think this explains a few of my own experiences 😳😅 both seeking out dangerous sexual situations and being oblivious to someone's advances!
@@entity_04 the struggle is real.
I have missed advances from people way above my level
Did you consider yourself to be demiromantic?
@@whitepouch0904 yes but through many failed relationships I'm now Aromantic and Demisexual
Can identify. I’m
Autistic guy and vanilla sex has never appealed to me. I like several types of “dangerous” sexual activities though
As an introverted shy person it can be difficult also. I only lost my virginity at age 34. I'm now 38.
First i felt great shame being virgin for so long. After it happened i saw it was ridiculous basing my self worth on being virgin or not.
I lost mine when I was 25. 31 now and I lost out of pressure to pleasure my ex. I also felt like he slowly groomed me to give up my virginity. He was 2 years younger than me. But I realized now that he wanted it more for bragging rights. So I kinda regret. He was my boyfriend and we lasted for a year and I never been to a relationship again as I’ve been dealing with finance issues and my career. Relationship is too much to me.
No one should be embarrassed nor ashamed of being a virgin because it is a very rare and precious thing, and it is a biblical virtue that is rarely maintained until marriage.
You are an awesome human being.
I'm 44 and a virgin. Never had a partner
the hardest part of sharing a bed is not being able to turn over... facing in isn't gonna work, facing out only works for so long, what's there to do
spoons
I'm 69 and just been diagnosed autistic. It remains to be determined to what extent . . but everything you touched on here really resonates with me. I thought I was a freak, someone totally alone in how I interpreted emotions. I'll get to watch more of your videos over time, but I'll take my time doing that. Just like with that character "Monk" the autistic private detective who was on TV in the mid-2000s, I got worse if I watched entire episodes. My OCD used to really flare up after watching him do things I know I was doing or had done in my own life experiences.
I never thought of Monk as autistic, but I can see it. Although they had a flashback episode of him as a teenager opening his arms to hug his mother and her coldly refusing. Maybe she was severely autistic and her rejection of him made his own symptoms worse due to anxiety.
@@DreamQuillRose . . My mother never hugged my much at all, even as a toddler. My father's only physical contact with me was to beat the snot outta me as often as he could find an excuse to do that. Makes me wonder how far back the autistic genes went when I think back. They both knew I had something wrong with me, but at my father's insistence nothing was ever done about it. With the long term result being my failing at just about everything in life. And why not? . . when my father constantly belittled me and told me how worthless I was, despite my achieving excellent grades in primary school, only to see them drop off year by year in high school. That was down to the autism I didn't know I had.
I'm neurotypical, but I'm demisexual. I had crushes on guys since I was young but the sexual feelings did not kick in until I was in my mid-20s and I didn't give my virginity to anyone until my wedding night when I was 30 to my autistic husband. We very much enjoy sex with each other, I think that's because of our intellectual/emotional bond. As to the feeling uncomfortable sleeping next to someone, We had a king size bed and I was always like "stay on your side!!!!" when it was sleeping time!! I've loosened up a tiny bit in our 14 years of marriage but not that much. I only had one serious dating situation and I even liked them a lot and thought we might end up together or get married but I actually didn't want to kiss him. So yes, I'm most definitely demisexual. My husband has a similar story.
Coming from an autistic person, you should be glad you're neurotypical because I do not get along with autistic people at all and this video makes me jealous af
So glad you have an understanding relationship!! X
I have always felt like there is something seriously wrong with me because I need to establish deep emotional bonds with people like you said, in most areas of my life....I was made to feel like i'm not normal because people would just come and go out of my life and I was left in a heap crying not understanding why.
I’m exactly the same. It could be so painful to exist in this way and it’s so foreign to most..
I have the same issue. I found it especially hard when relatives would get divorced, and I was expected to hate the other person. How could I, when I found them to be good people, who were always kind and loving toward me?!? I’d find myself saying, “It’s your divorce, why am I taking sides?”.
OMG. You answered a question I’ve wondered my entire life.
I’ve never once picked up on a sign someone was interested in me.
It’s the worst feeling.
I sit dumbfounded over it and wonder why don’t I see this.
Feel a lot better now.
Thanks for this video.
Maybe the eyes don’t want to see someone you’re not attracted to?…
Thanks Orion for being so forthright with your experiences. It really helps us understand each other so much better!
I thought I was the only weirdo that for some reason get froze and feel like I couldn't or shouldn't move while sleeping next to my partner as a younger person. I never understood it and still don't. But ya this 4 months since I've been diagnosed has been the best learning experience and thank you for all the great and funny content it really truly is helping the world
Also I totally agree with you saying that things normally that are done for most people in there teens happen to for autistic people in there twenties and so on that is definitely true
how much i wish i had as a kid found something like your explanations and experiences... thank you for doing that now, you are literally saving people's lives with this. i am not exaggerating, i do mean it 100%.
OMG. The sleeping thing. Thanks so much for this video @Orion Kelly - That Autistic Guy !
This was, just now, the first time I've EVER come across information about this kind of sleeping problem, and I'm in my 30s, suffering from it my entire life! I've realized I'm autistic just recently, too. Never knew what all this was about before, just assumed it was neuroses. The sleeping thing stretches to anyone for me - like, any other person in the same room, not just a partner in the same bed, however close we might be. So I have trouble explaining to doctors why I'm so against a hospital stay, for instance (won't be able to sleep with other people about). The sleeping thing with partners saw me almost to my 30s, and I had begun wondering if I'd ever be in a long-term relationship with this issue. But then I met someone who I was immediately able to completely relax around. After that first good night's sleep together I knew I'd better marry them! Haha. Although that turned out great, I do sometimes reflect on how weird and unfair all this is. No one properly screening autistics. No one really explaining about relationships. The person who even cares about your comfort when your requirements seem a little unconventional is extremely rare. Like, I've had partners DEMAND to sleep in the same bed when I was able to figure out that's what made me uncomfortable and requested a different set up. 🤷🏻
I relate a lot to your experience and journey ! The decade delay particularly resonates with me, not just on sexuality but socially and the experience with society in general
Omg the part about not being able to fall asleep comfortably next to someone hits sooo hard! I would feel so bad about rustling the sheets or disrupting the pressure of the bed on their side, such silly things, but it stressed me out so much! If i can fall asleep next to someone that’s definitely a big green flag for me, so I learned to take it as a sign rather than a reason for frustration!
I've been really struggling with the sexual side of things as a conventionally attractive male throughout my teen years and 20s. The guilt feeling you've described still plagues me with casual sexual experiences and being lustful. Also, I struggle to know when someone likes me, and I also seem to go from being generally pretty neutral to an emotional mess whenever I find myself in a relationship. At this point I just don't know what to do, and whenever I pass up romantic opportunities I feel guilty too.
I’ve had a similar experience as a “conventionally attractive female.”
Same same
Same the guilt thing is really hard sometimes
It's very interesting, because this is the first time I've heard people describe this guilt feeling and this awkwardness.
I was always attracted to girls from puberty sexually, but more as objects of fantasies and masturbation. It seemed somehow unthinkable to actually have sex. I had sex first in my early 20s, then again a few years later and then I really wanted more, but dating was too stressful, so I ended up going to prostitutes a lot.
As high functioning Aspergers I always hated the idea of sleeping in the same bed as someone else. Not because I was conscious of disturbing them but because I HATED the idea of someone touching me or looking at me while I was sleeping....when I wasnt aware of it. The idea creeped me out. And not the kind of creepy I like (Spoken as a true goth).
No cap I feel the same way.
did ur parents or borthers sleep with u when growing up ?
I was so glad to listen to this very helpful information again. Orion, you have such a light way of sharing your wealth of knowledge. Thanks for making every day better.
I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. I'm a 30 year old woman, and I've been wondering for a while if I'm autistic, but because diagnosis and treatment for adults in my country is pretty much non-existent, I'm just watching your videos to try and understand myself better. Now everything makes more sense and I also have felt way too often like I'm emotionally at least a decade behind to most people. I would love to get married and have a family, but I'm never sure when someone likes me, and the only time I was sure, it turned out the guy only wanted something casual, so at this point I'm starting to abandon the idea of having a family, but that's okay, I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last.
Thank you doc for your good work
It’s been months now and my child has improved completely since using your herbs.
His therapist and school teacher has confirmed his improvement and this makes me happy
God bless you Dr Oyalo
Great video, thanks for sharing this. Very relatable!
As an autistic in his 20s, I really appreciate having this kind of content. When being asked about my sex life I'd always be like "maybe in five or ten years" and I just understood why because of your video. Thanks.
I just wanna say I really appreciate how much work you put into this. It makes such a difference ❤
I don't know for autistic guys, but as an autistic woman, the sensory aspects were also a huge thing. Having a part of somebody else inside of you, a part that, however clean"it is smells bad, but even if you let aside the odors (also all the other body parts odors, because you smell them way more when that close and without clothes), just the fact that there's something inside you, when you already have proprioception issues and have a hard time telling where your body ends and the environment starts, it's very disturbing. There is also the aspect of touch, soft touch is very problematic for me, I do like deep pressure, but not soft touch, so it can be very problematic when trying to have a sexual relationship. The need to learn new movements when you have dyspraxia was also a huge thing. Learning a new movement takes like 1000 times for me and this needs a very patient partner... which young men tend not to be in my experience at least. So I was always fondamentally inconfortable physically, however badly I wanted to have sex with the guy. I had two long lasting relationships (8 years and 5 years). Now in my 40's I don't want to have a romantic relationship, even if I miss so much having a friend living with me and sharing life projects and so on. The sex aspect is so disturbing, that I' m no longer willing to accept it, even if I would really want a life partner.
I am 45. I can relate verbatim. Sex to me is a violation and so overwhelmingly stressful. Apart from procreation, what is the point?
It is so much more invasive for women.
@@amyshomesteadanimals unless you’re totally into it it feels like rape and then so confusing hearing that your partner needs it and you should be giving it to them.
@@amyshomesteadanimals I'm surprised this isn't talked about more. Or maybe I'm the weird one. Which I'm okay with but many partners might not be, even though there are non-invasive ways...
I don’t like penetration either because it feels too much from a sensory perspective. But there’s a lot I really enjoy about sexual intimacy that isn’t penetrative. I’ve also been finding it easier to do it for short periods of time and take breaks as soon as something hurts or feels uncomfortable
I am female and don’t think I have ever related to something less in my life. It is utterly mind boggling how different as humans we all are.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm quite certain I'm autistic and your personal sexual experience 100% mirrors mine. In less than 30 minutes, you have explained away years of confusion I have experienced. You have helped me immensely to understand myself. Thank you.
Thank you for this.. it helped me understand myself a lot better. I have been told I am wrong for pretty much everything I do. And being told to change rather than others trying to understand me.
I’m more convinced than ever that I’m autistic.
Been divorced for 4 years and people don’t understand why I’m not interested in dating. I’m not interested in random experiences with strangers.
I’m quite happy on my own.
Demisexuality is a term I’ve never heard, but it resonates with me.
Thanks man, I really appreciate you doing this
Yeah…. This is me. 110% me.
This hurt in so many ways but also gave me such a massive sense of relief. I feel like I can explain so much of my relationships and how I approach and treat people. Demisexuality as you have described it seems to fit me completely. I really only tend to let people in when they have actually seen how I am and aren’t just running away from me.
I really do tend to assume that people just straight up don’t like and just tolerate me. So this really explains how I approach and act during relationships and friendships.
And the idea of everything just being “late” is so accurate. I genuinely feel like I’m 5-10 years behind my peers. And yeah for sure, I’m 28 and I STILL don’t like dating. 😅 Though I would say that dating and relationships feel much too much like something others want for me, rather than something I actually want for myself. And I tend to get really frustrated with friends trying to “set me up” but they don’t realise that they’re not being helpful. I have a couple friends who I have had “dating” experiences with (but nothing sexual) we just do things that arguably friends would do but we happen to be of opposite genders and we joke about being “on a date.” We’re both probably autistic, not gonna lie.
It must be a complicated and daunting thing to properly and accurately discern & navigate the ever-so-subtle nuances of neuro-needs vs personal space / relationship dynamic needs, and their respective overlapping areas! I think the more people openly investigate, explore and discuss these topics, the better it will be for everyone. Bravo! Well done.
One thing to note for neurotypical people who might be watching this: it's especially hurtful when we lose friendships and relationships because of "positive" autistic moments. Shutdowns and breakdowns are scary and hard. But, if you spurn us because of the intensity of our positive emotions and exuberance over our interests, it is SOUL CRUSHING. This can only happen to someone so many times before they retreat behind a wall of masking and develop a fear of letting our partners see our autistic selves.
The moving in bed thing is so relatable. I personally can't stand the idea of breathing anywhere in the direction of another person's face. We were spooning and you flipped? I'm gonna face the wall now. I also can't sleep if someone's touching me, so I'm only going to end up using the last two feet of my side of the bed. Not too much of a problem since I work nights.
I've never seen this mentioned anywhere except Orion's channel, and now there's tons of us - autistics with this sleeping trouble! It's blown my mind just now. I was able to find someone I can actually sleep through the night with, - BUT ONLY IF NOT 1 MM OF ME IS TOUCHING THEM Lol. A larger bed helps.
I twitch like a madman because my thoughts are so active. Only ever happens when I share a bed
"30s are 20s." I feel this so much. 😅
Everything you've spoken about makes perfect sense and explains the experiences I had growing up and as an adult. I related to so much there it is making me wonder about myself even more. Watched a lot of your videos and others who speak about Autism and it explains so much that I was aware was atypical about me and knowing that while not usual for neuro typical folks is actually common or more usual for autistic people. Thanks for the insight it has helped a lot.
Thank you Orion. I can so relate to not being able to sleep next to someone else. I felt it for years, this frozen feeling and crazy mind-trains... Something about being with another body and completely unable to let go. I am grateful for your honesty and sharing.
Thank you so much for this video, it took a HUGE load off my shoulders. I'm in my 30s and my romantic life is beginning just now. I wasn't even being rejected (after school I mean, before that there was a lot of bullying), I just didn't have much interest even though I was sure I wasn't entirely asexual. But it always made me feel guilty, like I had lost an important part of my 20s and it was my own fault.
Don't be too hard on yourself, we all approach different aspects of life at different stages. There is no right way.
I was diagnosed as Autistic aged 63. I’m so glad I found your video ❤. I can really relate to what you’re saying. Nobody has explained this to me before and now I understand I’m demisexual! I just always struggled to read the signs from the opposite sex etc. this video has been so informative and I really appreciate it.
I watched your video about how to spot an autistic adult yesterday and have been binging your content since. The more I watch, the more I think I'm on the spectrum. Just so many instances where I go "yup, relate to that". And here again: Late bloomer, oblivious to advances from interested people, and the sleeping in the same bed thing: absolutely! took me at least half a year for that to work out. Ugh, I really need to go out and try to get diagnosed. I think that would help me a lot, especially sharing that with my family and closest friends.
Thank you for explaining the differences. As soon as I heard Demisexual tears squirted from my eyes. Finally as an Autistic gay guy I know why I can’t just do it with any random guy. When I have that mental connection with someone I’m turned on and everything works as it should. And when I’m in lust it’s quite the turn off . Craziness, that knowing what I am makes me understand now why dating has been near impossible. Not that I don’t enjoy being with men, but I feel like I’m just helping them out and I don’t get anything from it. Now I know.
This isn't even something that autistic people solely go through my man! It just means you like to have a romantic connection with those you have sexual attractions to... 100% normal!
Thank you so much for your candor. I'm not diagnosed, but some of the "signs" certainly do resonate. Yes, we're all different, and that's okay.
I also had a problem sleeping with my partner. Even when I was married.
Dude you are hilarious. But more than that... Incredibly helpful. Thank you 🥰
I was only diagnosed a few years ago. What you're saying is totally relatable to me! I used to make friends with men (or so I thought) and had no idea that they were trying to ask me out. I had no interest in anyone until I was 19 yrs old. It used to freak me out if anyone ever asked me out. I never linked the two together until now. Thanks for making this video. I used to fancy cartoon characters (when I was in my teens) so had some kind of urge... Just not with live people!
So many times men have asked me out and I thought they were trying to be friends. Never figured it out until understanding that it was not that and due to my inability to read those cues.
I totally relate, as an ace person it has been nearly impossible for me to have any type of adult relationship to the point that I have given up even thinking about it...
Thank you so much! This was really helpful and I was glad you mentioned not being able to sleep with people. I have always had a hard time falling asleep with others in the same bed and I usually sleep poorly. I absolutely plan on having separate beds and hearing someone else mention the sleep thing makes me feel a little less weird about it.
Yip! Lying awake frozen and not able to move and unable to sleep besides my (mildly) snoring partners. Thanks, I feel massively less weird now. Thank you so much for being so open about that.
Sometimes snoring is so bad that not even ear plugs help. Not even surgery helps.
There is no other option.