I know my PDA has a huge roll in this for me! Besides the constant feeling of traversing a field of landmind-like triggers that navigating every day communications & interactions of life with others is for a PDAer, there's also the fact that your care for the person & value of your relationship with them then creates an internal demand to make sure things are good between you. Of course, it becomes nigh impossible to show your care & you become paralyzed at times bc you can't follow through with these realized internal demands, which causes you to shut down hardest with those you want to be closest to which leads to extreme feelings of loneliness which push you mental health off a cliff into a sad landfill of existence, but who needed companionship anyway??? 🧐 It's not like that's an essential component of a healthy lifestyle or anything!?!🤪 But seriously PDA (along with RSD) is probably the most debilitating aspect of my nuerodiversity. It's why I can't work normal jobs & it's why I struggle with unaliving myself because the more I want to show up for someone the harder it I'd & the more I hate myself.
I feel like no matter how carefully I try to explain anything to a neurotypical person how I communicate, they always end up taking everything that I say, as a personal attack. It’s like they never actually listen to what I’m saying, and then twist the words into meaning something else, because how can a straightforward answer actually be a straightforward answer, it must always have some hidden meaning to it. It’s so frustrating trying to communicate with them, and then constantly having to apologize for something that they chose to misinterpret. I might as well be talking to the wall, at least the wall doesn’t blame me for something that it misunderstood.
I get you man! I mean, I just discovered my autism about 3 years ago, because once I got into my mid-30s, I found that I could no longer mask and pretend that everything is okay; and it scared me because I felt like I wouldn't be able to survive working full-time, and act like everything is okay when I am screaming and crying inside. And as you know, the older you get, the more that your mind and body declines over time (which explains why I couldn't mask as well as I used to, or pretend that I could handle it; I got chronically burned out to the point where I would try to continue mopping the floor at work, but I couldn't make my body go. It's like if somebody were to run a marathon; you eventually get to a point where you just can't go any longer and your body won't let you (even the Olympics athletes eventually run out of fuel if they had to run much longer than they usually do, because they are human). And so, when I first went to my family about this, they didn't want to believe that I have autism or Asperger's; but yet, they agree with me when I say that I have social anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, sensory issues, generalized anxiety, and problems with communicating with people. I found myself a counselor about 6 months ago and he told me that he could pick up on some Asperger's in me. But then, he would invalidate some of my autistic traits. It's like you said, I tell him that I have problems communicating what I want to communicate with people; and then he goes, "Well I don't think that you have problems communicating; you communicate very well." And there we go already with him misinterpreting what I mean by "having issues communicating". I felt frustrated inside, yelling in my head, "Yeah, I know that I can TALK Mr. Therapist dude! That's not what I meant!" But of course, it took me a few minutes to process what he just said to me, and then realize that he was misinterpreting what I said (like a lot of neurotypical people do); and of course, my mind wasn't able to send the signal to me that I should say out loud what I was thinking, and so I am left him with his misinterpretation and he is left with the impression that I meant that I can't talk in full sentences, when what I meant was that I can talk but I can't get my message across to people. And people often assume that I must mean the same thing that THEY mean when they use a certain phrase. When people do that though, it seems to cause them to block out the last half of my explanation, because they assume that they already know what I mean and therefore don't need to listen to the rest of it. I hear your frustration; lol!
@@ArtsyMegz_On_EtsyThank you for sharing, i'm touched that you have the courage to share this with me and the others reading what you have written. I know that frustration that you get when you can't explain in the moment what you mean, and then some time afterwards realize what you should have said instead, but then it's too late.
Same. It happens so much especially when I’m talking to my sister. I love my sister but when I try to explain how some things don’t make sense to me or how I interpret things. It gets turned into an argument about how I’m not listening or that I’m not understanding other people’s feelings. I’m trying to but after the back and forth, I just stop talking cause anything else I say will be wrong. Sigh sorry
I've somehow mostly managed to avoid them feeling attacked, but it's exhausting. Which is why I've mostly ended up with other ND's, before knowing I am, or that they are. Some NT's do, however, find the straightforward autistic communication refreshing. Especially if they have unfortunate experience with manipulative people.
@@jadelei17 You shouldn’t have to be sorry for being the way you are, constantly feeling wrong and apologizing to others is exhausting for anyone going through it, imagine if a person without legs constantly had to apologize for the inconvenience of not being able to walk, and people around that person always had to shame them for not doing as well as everyone else who has no problem walking, that’s how it feels to be Autistic in a world that hates you for being different.
5:35 "Nobody likes us" ... how I felt the first 30 years of my life. I have a soulmate now. He is autistic, I am autistic, we like puns, video games, and eachother.
@@ginam8505 We met through Twitch chat rooms. Online casual chattering, where we found ourselves frequently viewing some of the same channels, usually Minecraft ones. A few years of these meetings in chat rooms, before our real life selves were seen in-person. We both wish to live with eachother for the rest of our lives. We have been living together since 2019.
I always think people don’t like me unless they come up to me, since I don’t know how to approach people. So glad my fiancé is neurodivergent/adhd and he loves animals as much as I do, our kids have four legs and fur
Thanks Orion, needed this today. Brother who shut me out because I laid a boundary has just turned up while I'm visiting our elderly mother. Haven't seen him yet but the thought of it was sending my heart into erratic overdrive. Your vid calmed me because you validated my need to set that boundary. I am not a bad person for setting that boundary! Whew, thanks again 🎉
This has been such a helpful video. My closest friend is may husband. We've been married for 27 years....however....it has been a hard 27 years. I recently was diagnosed with AUD. SO many things now make sense. Your video on "The Cassandra Syndrome" really, really helped our communication shift for the better. My problem is with my oldest friends. They seem to have a story of who I am and the autism hasn't fit right. A few are open to this new understanding of "me", a few are not. None have been curious which mystifies me. I have a few newer friends and they have been very intrigued and accepting, even congratulatory. I feel fine with drifting away from most of my friendships, not sure if this is sad. But my friendship with myself, my spouse and new people we meet along the way for short periods of time are plenty! I really like the clouds and plants and animals and Earth as friends, far more consistently. and I cannot touch the issues around family with a 10 foot pole!
I feel like we would get along well. I love nature and animals. I became a dog groomer and opened my own business about 40 years ago. I have such wonderful customers. They know I love their dogs and often stay while I groom them. I have to gave a hip replacement next week and so many of them have offered to help me or just run any errands for me. I am so lucky to have a job where I work with dogs. The dogs know I love them and will do what they need to make it okay for them if they come for their first time scared. I get a lot of dogs that can't handle big, busy shops. Mine is calm, they can look out while I groom them and see deer, squirrels and even a fox or two because it is in the woods. I also have managed to find a few close friends who accept me as I am and vice-versa. It took me years to be able to express my needs in a way others hopefully would understand and to learn how to really listen to them as well.
Thank you for putting this video together, very helpful. As a recently diagnosed autistic, I was the one who told my husband I was interested in him. A little back story, we had dated 4 years prior we had agreed we'd never get back together. At this point we had become good friends and I started having feelings for him, I knew where we stood on this issue so I figured he would run away. We got married a month later and have been together for 23 yrs. We have 5 kids and always wondered why our kids were on the spectrum, many assumed it was due to vaccines (we postponed vaccines). Nope, I am autistic. My husband was diagnosed a year ago with adhd and now suspects he is also autistic. I had to cut off my mother and sister because they were toxic. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself and my kids.
@@ginam8505 I went through it online, Sach's Center based out of NY. They were much cheaper than going through the DSM-5 testing. The testing and questions were very thorough., I was very satisfied. I hope this helps.
@@ginam8505 I went through an online center based out of NY, called Sachs Center that diagnoses for autism and adhd. George Sachs has a youtube page as well. He was the one who diagnosed me.
This video adds *so much* value to the community and extended community (those that love an Autistic person). Thanks for another great video, Orion! : )
Not seeing people’s intentions is a huge issue. Ive been bitten many times for not seeing people arent trustworthy and have equally missed opportunities with good people.
The biggest issue i've had over my life with dating is sensory overload. All the feelings that neurotypicals have are magnified. So like just holding hands takes my breath away let alone more, so i have to take things really slowly but this can come across as anxious, nervous or unconfident etc which isn't the case at all. Being friends and being understood first is ideal, but by this stage i'm friendzoned so the whole process is a nightmare.
Well timed Orien. I've got a big family gathering coming up. You've reminded me I need to make plans for when me and my son get overwhelmed and decide to go off for a random walk. Last time we just got back before they started out on a search party 🤣
Thank you so much for this video it will help many people. It has taken many years of suffering and over trying to make things work with my siblings before I finally recognised that the relationship is toxic. I now actively avoid contact. If I'd seen this video years ago I could have saved myself so much pain....
I have a friend (yay, I have ONE friend!🎉) I'm going to share this with; in fact, this could be three separate videos to make it more shareable to the appropriate people for those of us who don't know how to articulate things as well as you do, @Orion. I think I do this to her all the time ... although it's hard to know where to draw the line because it is a fact that I've helped her with serious, REAL problems (e.g., health issues, potential homelessness) because she has a very self-defeating attitude when I _know_ there are solutions available. So it's hard to know where to draw the line. Although if she ever does say that to me (i.e., calls me "Orion"), I'll have some serious NEW concerns about her!😉
Yeah well this is like 80% of young women who have this ONLY BECAUSE they can't see a guys OBVIOUS intentions, even neurotypical girls. And trust me, ALL US GUYS can see it while you can't until the kiss lean in.
I was going to hang out with this guy who clearly seemed interested. He asked if I wanted to hang out at his house. I asked what he intended. He went silent for awhile and then told me "it didn't feel right". Later he told me I came on too strong. 🤷 I guess I was supposed to know that sex was a possibility but I like to know what someone is thinking. I would've happily just gone and hung out with him as a friend but apparently he interpreted my questions as desperation. I'm still confused about why exactly. I thought clarity of intentions was healthy.
Hum... Idk, but this seems sketchy to me. I think he was ill intended (probably just wanted do have sex) and when you asked him directly, you "caught" him because he was planning to be sneaky about it. So he shifted the blame so you looked "desperate", it's typical NT manipulation to come out in top if you ask me. He was the desperate one.
creeps like to confuse you because it is like a test to see if they can fool you into doing things. Healthy people don't. clarity is healthy, some people just don't like to be upfront because it may 'kill the mood' - or rather their chances with you if they are honest. Personally it makes me scream run.
Pro tip: romance doesn't require dating. I had plenty of romantic relationships and they never involved a "date." If the person you want to get involved with really likes (and wants to continue for life doing) something that you really dislike (such as going out on a date) then it's better to know that and not spend time pursuing that relationship in the first place. Also, yes just be straightforward about the ways you are different from what they might expect instead of trying to hide it. The goal is not to trick the person into thinking you are someone you're not so that they'll like you. It's to find someone who accepts and loves you as you are. That also removes all of the stress and worry about "making a mistake" from the situation, because being you isn't a mistake.
6:06, I have always relied on the opposite sex, to show interest in me, and make the first move. Fear of rejection related. Once I have the green light, I can take charge.
I believe a potential connection may no longer be a possibility. I am saddened, but I believe it is for the best. This video really broke things down.. where she and I both goofed up. I have the utmost respect for her, and wish her the best
It’s sad that we have to hide our true selves, I hope that the world becomes more tolerant towards our group of people, like it has been forced to be tolerant to others who were considered sick or beneath other humans in the past.
@@marksteven6116 I figured out my boyfriend has autism fairly early on. He told me about a year later. The right people for you will accept you for who you are. Just make sure you do have a growth mindset and are willing to learn and grow for and with your partner, as well as for yourself.
Looking at my family, i think one of the things that made it difficult is i was the first kid, a girl, in a religion that has a very narrow view of what girls are allowed to be, so they had a whole list of expectations and plans, and instead of adapting their expectations to the kid that arrived, they spent my whole life trying to force me to fit their expectations and acheive their plans as dictated by their religion. On top of that, it was an authoritarian mode of parenting with the added toxicity of always pretending everything was fine. And any attempt to express anything other than fake toxic positivity was forcefully squelched. A child can never learn proper communication or even to understand themselves or life properly in such an environment. Doubly hard when tge child is autistic. Now that im an adult who finally escaped that religion (and the toxic marriage it had forced me into)...I don't know who I am, or where to go from here. And I certainly do not know how people interact outside the world i was raised in. There is an aspect of exciting adventure, but also a great deal of fear and uncertainty. A feeling of being lost in a foriegn land with no map, only a rudimentary grasp of the language at best, and no idea what your destination is called when trying to get directions.
Congratulations for getting out! Allow yourself to heal and to find out who you are. I'd imagine that one year might not be enough on that journey. Wouldn't be surprise if therapy was needed. Because how can one even build a healthy attachment model in that kind of environment? And the attachment model affects so much of our relationships with people in life. Your values and interests is one starting point for finding who you really are. And if you haven't found you interests yet... Well then there's some exploration to do.
@@jecicox7605 my Catholic mother is a POS. Narcissistic and authoritarian. Even thirteen years after my moving out of the house she doesn't understand me. The phone calls are unbearable. So after Kate Middleton got cancer I stopped talking to my mother even on the phone, let alone in person. Because I want to brood about Kate Middleton and my mother doesn't get it! If anyone calls my infatuation with Kate Middleton "childish" I'll report you for bullying. She's my autistic special interest (along with Renaissance and Baroque music and pipe organs).
28:01 I can confirm I like to help my friends. Especially in deeper, emotional conversations. I think I’m reliable in that regard. And the friend I find it easiest with to speak about my troubles has autism as well. I’ve also experienced him helping ‘too much’, in my opinion. I once had my kneecap dislocated (which is a very… shit experience). So when I first came to school after that, I had a brace around my leg and used crutches. He wanted to accompany me to every class I had to go to. Carry my bag. I didn’t really want that, even though it’s very attentive. It comes from a really kind place. But I was able to get around fine. I’d gotten an elevator key so I could switch floor. And I got pretty handy with the crutches.
Found your channel several weeks ago and I'm crying... You are answering so many questions! I feel validated (finally) after YEARS of knowing I'm different but not understanding why? 🤔 Both my spouse AND I are definitely on the spectrum but NEVER been officially diagnosed. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty...
I used to date online, it's been ten years. I learned in high school not to trust anyone whatsoever. So, I have the opposite problem where I assume everyone is out to get me because, in high school, it was true. I also avoid people as much as possible and fit the criteria for avoidant personality disorder. Somehow, I ended-up on a lot of dates. There were a lot of profiles that had older photos, so I had a rule where I would only meet for a drink to decide on a real date and go from there. I met a few psychos with anger issues, one trashed my home. Eventually, I met someone and we got married a few years later. She is ADHD to a 'T.' I have ADHD and am autistic.
“If you don’t want to compromise you don’t want a relationship… Compromise means how do you guys find middle ground.” My fiance and I (she’s ND but not autistic) have been discussing this ever since I got my diagnoses. 31:46
@@chrismaxwell1624 Yes! Our family is currently coming to a realization or at least me, this is our case! Im the mom and I know my son has ASD, we have been trying to get proper diagnosis but it’s very challenging. These type of videos are helping me realize this is something i have too. So hard to find good people that can help. But at least we have these videos otherwise I wouldn’t have ever had an idea. I am worried for my son… sorry to go on and on.
My grandfather. VERY obviously aspergers. I have never actually heard any of his daughters say anything good about him. SERIOUSLY. And I couldn't see how he was "bad". Just quite strict, highly moral and highly principled.
@@OffGridInvestor My grandfather was like that too. Though my mother and aunt/uncles never said anything bad about him. He passed away when I was 4, heard he was very protective of me and I remember lots about him. Missing fingers, talking to him and such always kind to me. People tend to not speak negatively about the dead though.
I met my husband on an online game. We just celebrated 20 years of marriage. It hasnt always been easy which is why Im watching this video. But we are happy. I'm kind of a nightmare so if there is hope for me, no one should give up
Given a fairly painful rejection last week - after I went way beyond my comfort zone to try to develop relationships, this all just feels hopelessly disheartening. I don't feel like I have the hardware to ever learn the skills to be anything other than alone and unwanted. I *hate* my brain. I just wish it worked normally. Maybe things would be better then.
I’m sorry to hear that the way that the world has treated you has led to you hating the way your brain works. We don’t choose to be born differently. I hope that this community can help you find some good sides to being autistic. I wish you all the best.
If it comforts you: neurotypical people go through their fair share of rejection as well. But us neurodivergents just take the rejection harder, which quickly spirals into this feeling of "it can never work out". My tip: do not go that far beyond your comfort zone. It will drain you too much. I measure my trips out of my comfort zone such that I can do them semi-regularly.
If your lonely you could get yourself a pet to start with a dog or cat they’ll give you unconditional love, someone to snuggle with and they never judge you
I love your videos, Orion. Just wanted to start with that. I’m late diagnosed autistic (2.5 years ago). The main reason I decided to watch this one is because I need help with figuring out how to do a romantic relationship. It’s not anything I’ve been good at during my life, been mostly awkward and don’t know when a guy is interested in dating or just wants to be friends. After enduring an abusive dating relationship in my mid 20’s, I’ve had little to no interest in anything romantic until recently. After being diagnosed and being in therapy to help unpack and tear down all the walls I’ve had to build just to survive life, and now figuring out who I really am as a neurodivergent person, I’ve discovered that I’m lonely and really would like a committed, healthy romantic relationship. I’ve attempted it twice so far this year and, well, neither went well. The first guy just wanted to play mind games and the second, I guess he changed his mind after learning I’m neurodivergent. There’s a lot you say in this video that I’m going to need to rewatch and take notes on so I can talk with my therapist about it next week. I like how other autistic people can put words to the jumbled nonsensical mess floating around my brain!
My son and my husband are both autistic. I may also be on the Spectrum (according to an online test I took). My husband is very emotionally reactive. I am the stoic one. We both need a lot of alone time but it is very hard to remain emotionally connected and meet the emotional needs of our children. I always liked that my husband was very direct and honest but he isn't forth coming. He won't say what he thinks or feels unless he is asked which is frustrating. He also doesn't have sensory issues. He loves touch and affection and doesn't understand why this is difficult for me. I have to tell him I have reached my hug quota or ask him to stop hugging me for extended periods of time.
That very last point you made, about autistic parents using the tips you and other autistic creators give to help stop what happened to us from happening to our children is exactly what I've been trying to do since my daughter was little. She's 14 now and showed signs since she was about 3, but didn't get diagnosed until she was 8. Everything that I did as a kid, i see it in her, and I had a horrible, lonely, bullied childhood because of autistic traits that made me look "weird" to everyone else. I don't want my daughter to have to go through that. Our kids deserve to be happy and to be treated as people, not as diseases to be avoided. If I can at least give my daughter a home where she doesn't have to mask and is accepted for who she really is, then I will. It is such a lonely and degrading feeling to be looked at and treated differently just because we operate on different code than everyone else. No one deserves to feel alone.
I literally thought I knew everything about human-ing, but honestly I understand nothing about relationships, and it breaks my heart because I love my friends and wish I could have a healthy romantic relationship. Thanks mate
Most def assume that most people don't like me. Part of that is that for most people I can only handle them in small doses and figure that it must be the same for them too. Totally with you that if you do like me you need to specifically say so, though saying that most of the time that will make me confused and uncomfortable.
I’ve been directed to you as I’ve started dating someone on the autistic spectrum and have never dated an autistic person before but wow your really insightful and have subscribed now so will be listening to from now on 👍😊
Thank you for this video. I’m AuDHD and my bf has ADHD but I suspect he has autism also. I remember suspecting it years ago and he got really upset when I mentioned the possibility. It’s an interesting experience between the both of us, because we’re very different from each other. The things you mention are something either I or him or maybe even both do or have. It’s very hard when a fight happens because he has the hardest time trying to understand me, and I have the capability of understanding him, but get frustrated when he doesn’t understand me. I also saw the cassandra syndrome video and honestly I think we’ve gotten to that state. I really want to do couple’s therapy. It’s hard when you don’t have the means to get it, but we’re still trying to navigate. I’m actually a very extroverted autistic whereas he’s very introverted. He’s very literal with his challenges so I do my best to understand him, but his logic tends to be toxic and manipulative. I don’t think he sees that though. He’s looking out and advocating for himself, and honestly it’s gotten to the point where when I express my feelings, it always leads to me apologizing to him. I’m trying to understand both my father (pretty sure he has autism, but he’s from a generation where he will definitely have a meltdown if I bring it up, so your videos make me understand him more) and my bf, and honestly your videos make me understand the aspects of autism, or how they can present in others better. Thank you so much for these videos. I keep sending your links to my bf. Maybe he might get a better understanding of himself too? Who knows. Edit: I don’t know if it’s possible because I know you have a neurodiverse relationship, but is it possible to make a video on relationships between two very different autistic people? AuDHD if that’s even possible. I understand if that’s impossible, it’s just a video idea :’)
Heads up, fellow autistic adults. I learned I am lacking in emotional maturity. I resisted this and became defensive when presented with the information. I then looked into it. Yep. I've been slower to develop in this area. I'm working on it now. I feel like this knowledge is at the core of a lot of my social and emotional regulation difficulties up until now. It feels good to learn this. I can learn it. I really wish I learned it for an earlier relationship but grateful I'm learning this because of it. Take a look at it if you're generally confused when it comes to romantic relationships. I understood the dating phase, sort of. I did well there for five or six months. Then, the relationship moved into the next phase. I completely missed the signals that was happening. It threw me. I became very confused. This led to filtered thinking and some cognitive distortions. Remember to ask a friend to help you reality-test. I did not. I will if that sort of story starts again. It led to the end. I became resentful and ended up visibly frustrated with her in a very calm setting after a few months of her pulling away without words. I'm taking full responsibility for my half of the relationship. I feel a lot more empowered knowing this knowledge. I have remorse for how it ended. I also have gratitude for her and the time we spent and especially, this learning. Thanks, Orion. You have helped me understand this diagnosis a lot more. I'm studying to become a (autistic) clinical psychologist. I'm focusing on lifespan development and romantic relationships, attachment and positive psychology.
I had such big walls up in school, as a result of rejection, that I didn't even know that a bunch of people were checkin' for me and I thought no one was interested in me. Since then my high school friends have described me as unapproachable and aloof. I thought I was just unattractive. I was just one of those girls who was good at masking
Very relatable video as always ^^ @Orion , can you maybe do a video about the fixation on one person? Like if you're hyperfixated on that one person and you want to spend as much time with them as possible, and you really really want to be friends with them, but also aren't sure if your feelings are just on the friendship side or actually on the romantic side, and you'd be way too overbearing and all over them if you wouldn't hold back, You know what I mean? 😅 I've never found a video or article about this topic, so I'm curious how other people experience and juggle this Problem ^^
I’m kind of proud about my friendships. I’d say I have six truly important people in my life: My parents, my brother and my three friends. Sure, there are other people I could get along with, but I wouldn’t call them friends. There’s a clear distinction there. My oldest friendship has been lasting for eleven years and counting (I’m eighteen). We met during primary school (Dutch basisschool, to be more specific). I think we have the most in common, in terms of interests. The teacher kind of put us together during recess because neither of were playing football, which most of the boys did. Golden move by her. My second friend was made during the first year of Dutch middelbare school (which I guess is near the end of middle school… I’m not overly acquainted with foreign school systems). I kind of spent the first few months ‘trying’ different people. And eventually one has stuck. Friends for six years now. In the yearbook, after graduation last year, people apparently voted us in first place in the category ‘which two friends are the most inseparable?’. Nice. Quality over quantity I’d say. My third friend was a blessing in disguise from COVID. People who struggled to concentrate from home could follow their online classes at school. At break time, my now friend just decided to come sit next to me. He’s also autistic. And I knew that before I got my own diagnosis. We’ve been friends for like four years. I think the autism element makes him the most relatable to me. We can have relatively easy heart-to-hearts with one another. These three friends I’ve all picked up around different times in my life, were initially just my friends. Not each other’s friends. But through attending my birthdays (and now having board game days/nights every so often), they also became each other’s friends and did more things without me as a conduit, so to speak. The only really hard thing, when it comes to friends, is trying to make new ones in new environments. A new environment is taxing on its own. But adding these social interactions with new people to it and ‘poof’ energy’s gone. I would like to have more friends (not a boatload more, just one friend here or there [quality over quantity]). Especially after high school. I’ve had a constant environment and two of my three friends were there as well. It’s hard that this constant is no longer there. Everybody’s going in a different direction.
I used to be extremely scared of romantic relationships since have come back to that, but for a while, I would literally never know what to do so I would just randomly initiate the physical contact often at the wrong time… almost to rip the Band-Aid off, so the expectation of if waiting for the guy to make a move and wondering if they liked me or not, in a physical sense, could be answered. For a female this is often read by the neurotypical male as forward, but I literally didn’t know what to do. Some men were impressed I was so “secure as a woman” others had the exact opposite response. I ended up over thinking it so much and questioning if I was a good or bad woman that I gave up. First impressions are to challenging in romantic relationships. Never mind if they actually get to see and know me. Sorry for any typos I’m terrible sometimes and lazy when it comes to checking my grammar
Not dating but technically a dating situation... I was just scrolling through Facebook and commented on something regarding my dorm. The guy started messaging me and asked what I was doing and I said watching Gilmore girls. He asked if he could join. I said Yes because I was obsessed with the series and I was prepared to share my excitement. Unfortunately, he was actually thinking about the idea of Netflix and Chill and I was thinking he just wanted to watch my show 😅 oops he was nice though and realized quickly that I was actually meaning what I said and expected to just watch TV with him. I met the guy in several classes before so he wasn't a "stranger" really but I didn't know him outside of classes.
Yeah, I want you to do a video on why autistic people can be distant from family and/or not on good terms. My brother was a jerk to me. They said ALL siblings fight. I disagree. I believe in treating loved ones good. If I like them, I want to be good to them. Family should be better, because they're my freaken family. Grrrrrrrah!!!! Also my mother would invite my niece and nephew over and expect me to watch them WITHOUT saying anything until that moment. No ones perfect and my mom might have undiagnosed ADHD, That I'm learning could be.She may just not know how to go about doing that.
I have a close friend that I suspect may be adult-undiagnosed autistic and this video sounds a LOT like us. We've been trying to work through a personal problem for almost a year now but when ever we try to talk about it one of us gets set off and spooked about something and we have to hit pause for another few months. We're both trying so hard to communicate or side as well as comprehend what the other is feeling, and make sure we're speaking the same 'language' to each other but it's been a lot of trial and error. A lot of these videos have actually been big helps for navigating past issues (I'll say something I heard from here and he'll go 'OMG, you get it!' or 'OMG how did you know what I was thinking!?') I have hope we can work through this too, just going to take time and patience with each other. I'd love to see him get evaluated, I think it would be a big help for him to have an answer one way or another, but no idea how to initiate that conversation, or even if it's my place to. It sucks seeming him struggle with personal relationships.
Well, I just wanted to cut of contact with my very abusive mother. But the small rest of my family (father was refugee so no contact to this side of family, mother just had one sibling with one child, grandparents died early and I was only child) then decided to have no contact with me then as well. So I am totally alone since very early. Now when my parents died in not a year after each other nobody told me, I don't know where they had been buried, was excluded from heritage, not even got my childhood photos I could use for official ASS-diagnose next year october. So my advice would be be very careful with this decision. It can destroy You in both ways, but it might help to be in a position to decide which one kills You less hurtful.
I went no contact with my whole family. I'm not completely alone because I have my husband, but it's just the both of us. It's definitely hard, but living with people that see you as inferior and use you is worse.
@@viviane_casella I missed my dad all the decades and still do, as my aunt and my cousin. It was just my mother. And I have no-one I am important for. When I had an emergency-surgery noone braught me things to hospital, picked me up, cared or me back home. No one hugged me after all the deaths in the last years. That´s horrible. I really prefer to be alone for most of my time. But to be alone in heavy times is brutal.
This is such an important topic for many of us, and I look forward to hearing what Orion does with this topic. I was late diag at 51 and sister at 63. We knew our childhood was difficult, but the reactions to our diagnosis of our remaining parent and siblings were severely disappointing and invalidating for us. Having a therapist to work through this with has been invaluable. The new book It's Not You by Dr Ramani Durvasula is very helpful around any maladaptive behaviours people do. A healthy family will understand if you need to take time out to process your diagnosis - and will respect your boundaries, not punish you for them.
I've noticed recently, from watching your and others' ASD videos, that I overcompensate in all of my relationships in regards to almost every interaction, especially with my siblings (one is also autistic, the other isn't): my neurotypical sibling is a few inches shorter than everyone else and we all (them too) will occasionally make a height joke at their expense, and almost every time I follow up by asking them to tell me if stuff like that ever isn't actually funny to them because the thought of accidentally hurting their feelings is terrifying. But only my couple autistic friends do this same kind of overcompensation when interacting with me, for anything, from humorous to serious conversations; I've yet to encounter a neurotypical in the wild who exhibits even a little bit of this, though I know logically there are some out there who probably do.
For successful dating - if your attachment model isn't of the relatively secure kind, but avoidant or anxious or disorganised, I really recommend you to try to do something about that. Because with insecure attachment model you're unfortunately likely to find not-so-healthy relationships, or to destroy those that could have been healthy. You might not even recognise the healthy ones.
Yes pls do a video about families. Like what do we do if turns out most of us (siblings, parents, cousins, aunts & uncles) are all ND in some way either Autistic/AuDHD/ADHD?? Just a big bundle of never ending miscommunication & disfunction even though we love each other 😅.
The first person I truly felt connected and comfortable with is also the person I cannot be with because it’s really draining. I have children and I have to prioritize them and break up with the guy. Don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t want the romantic relationship anymore, I need to be single and use all my free time for myself and my kids, that’s just reality.
I'm in friendship zone for life. Friend zoned because of my Autism I don't ever seem mature enough to a real relationship, but constantly fiddled around with...if you know what I mean. I quit doing the who relationship thing because it was exhausting. I thought some people like me when they didn't. I thought I conveyed liking the way someone would want it ...and was told I was being too domestic (probably because I was trying to copy what relationships were but not be authentic)...or to stop psychoanalyzing the relationship and just let it flow as it comes (because I needed to understand as I went along). Point is, it was never the neurotypical way of doing things as you mentioned.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the part about not making the first move well... it seems like enabling someone with autism to just say they are aware of this behavior but unwilling to even try. I'm not autistic but I have other issues. Part of therapy and improving with our mental differences and difficulties to connect or accommodate others. Shouldn't there be more of a degree of give and take? Many of us fear rejection (autistic or not) just the same, but we have to fight through this. But other than that - the video is great on improving bonding skills. Thank you. :)
~10.00 is a good one. That can be going to a "great place" but shifting the time so the crowd is not there. Having breakfast before the fashionable brunch crowd show up, for example. On the comment about small talk, one on the problems for some spectrum people is that being "up" on "small talk" or "banter" means taking the time to learn a vocabulary and plays that do not sit well with their identity or priorities. Some souls see that bantering or quick responses are signs for "knowing the game" and being "players in the game". Many spectrum individuals are not interested in learning how to be players in a game that they despise. (One of my pet hates, for example, is genocidal fascism, so any kind of play that means "following the game" without caring about the outcome is a major red flag, and I refuse to play. On the other side, someone who does not care about the fall out of their plays or who is hurt is also a major turn off. So we are trying to find that sweet spot where we can communicate a desire for social, ethical, emotional intelligence, without being forced to be cruel or smarmy to prove we are "smart" or "in" on cruel games).
Some of them disregard it, bc they don’t understand. They’re like others who meet someone with high functioning ASD and believe they’re different or difficult without knowing or understanding. My dad is the type of person who believes to treat them as if they’re anyone else, and that just sums up who he is. Maybe family issues aren’t necessarily the issue, it’s that ASD people isolate themselves. They are easily overwhelmed and have social difficulties, so they distance themselves to prevent overstimulating. My mom is a great example, she talks too much, God love her, she also doesn’t listen, but mostly she loves to raise her voice. Instead of being around her and having to snap, I just remove myself since she can’t control her temper. We need to be in the proper environments, bc when we do finally snap it’s serious business.
Yes please make a video about problems with family. I am 70, late self-diagnosed, and had one of those toxic families. It came from our mother. There is just me and one out of my 5 siblings left. I think that he is autistic, too. We were a family of autistic people. That came from my father. My brother and I just send texts on Holidays and birthdays. That's the extent of our relationship.
Great video but as someone who has done a LOT of online dating I respectfully disagree with your advice at 17:27. I think it's much better to arrange to meet in person as soon as possible if you think you're both interested (and you are aiming for an in person relationship). Otherwise we waste a lot of time and energy in connections that don't actually work in real life or in people who are misrepresenting themselves. It doesn't need to be a big fancy date, I usually like to just meet them for a coffee and a walk around the park. 45mins tops. Go back to texting until you get to know their ins and outs better if you want to, but I think it's incredibly important to get that vibe check and verify they are who they say they are before investing too much in connecting online. This is an opinion from many years of personal trial and error 💜
I dont know if im autistic but when i have people asking me stuff like how are you i tend to reply honestly even when i dont know the person...for example i explain my whole mood and how my day was...😅Because also when i ask people these stuff i expect from them the same.Aaalso i have a huge issue when my program go wrong and plans are changing🥺
If anyone wants to be friends, hit me up lol (not looking for romance, just convos and silly things) I don't really have interest in dating these days, but I remember as a teen, the ideal date, to me, was either taking in a movie out or inviting them over for dinner. I LOVE COOKING FOR PEOPLE. It's also a special interest. Turns out, that's not a very popular way to date, or at least not then. If I ever invite you over and I'm cooking my arse off in the kitchen when you arrive, be careful. Might have my eye on ya lol jk
I have recently split from a man who I am really still in love with. After lots of reading, talking to my therapist, etc. It is very clear now that he is on the spectrum. However, he is not diagnosed. We are both in our late 60’s. Now that I see this I am responding to him differently and working on friendship as a relationship repair. In retrospect I made so many mistakes and it’s obvious why we “broke up”. I see no advantage in telling him what I believe or asking him to get diagnosed. I am simply adjusting myself and accepting him as he is. Do you see any reason for asking him to get diagnosed properly. Intuitively I feel that would shame him after so many years of him masking. I am really curious what you think about this. Thanks.
i had a close friend with autism, we use to hang out and message loads, then she moved away and got immersed in scuba diving, the messages got less, obviously she got all new people around her as well. she tells me we need to stop messaging. i understand so messages stop. then one day she messages me how you doing. little conversation, not as heavy as before, weeks pass. i messaged her the other day just to see how she was doing. she was like you gotta stop messaging me. obviously i will, i dont wanna stress anyone out, especially when im just checking in. i wish i understood better.
Great video, learned much. Must say… in the US it is math. And we rarely say mathematics, favoring, instead, arithmetic. Reading and writing and 'rithmetic, taught to the tune of a hickory stick 🎵. As you’ve noted, I believe, other countries say sport instead of sports though logically sports are plural. The tl;dr is is doesn’t matter if the word you think it came from seems plural, it’s just a linguistic shift and it’s math. Carry on.
When it comes to eye contact with someone you have a bit of a romantic interest in… First of all, it’s just generally not easy and unnatural to maintain. But secondly, I don’t want to be labelled to creep or anything, by having too much eye contact or unwanted eye contact.
Fortunately my anchor partner is neurodiverse but that doesn't really mean we don't misinterpret each others emoting. But we absolutely talk and communicate. What I dont get is how to be honest and not get rejected for it. I never get anyone reaching out. 100% of the time I talk to someone Ive initiated. I dont get messages from anyone. And I always either othershare or say something that makes them ghost me. I don't understand and how am I supposed to learn is no one explains? I also have no problem setting boundaries. I in fact have the opposite problem. I know exactly what boundaries I have and have a overcoming them enough to bridge the gap from the verification and safety checks.
I think a normal relationship would be overwhelming. I can't imagine having to share a bed with someone and sex seems kinda gross but I still feel lonely sometimes and wish I could be close with someone.
I was wondering about this. But is just jumping out there going to be worth it? I've tried to just throw myself out there and it's been working but I need to pull back a lot more.
It’s a massive challenge to be in a decade long relationship with an autistic person. Do you think they are ever capable of being responsible? No never , whenever it get tough in live the, don’t count in them! Children problems? It’s too much for them
I can’t speak from personal experience, but perhaps certain ‘niche’ dating apps could be suitable for some people. An MBTI RUclipsr has had sponsorships by a dating app that only shows your MBTI personality type and such first, before revealing profile pictures and such. Personally, I’m not planning to date online. It would probably make it easier to get things going, but in my eyes, it feels kind of forced or unnatural. That said, I don’t expect myself to approach anyone in person, so who knows what the future may hold? At the moment, I’m not searching for a relationship anyway and I’m probably better off figuring out more important things first. I’d be open to have a relationship after that, but I don’t think I’m going to really look for one. I don’t believe in the nonsense of ‘a partner being your other half’ or something. I’m my own, unique individual and a romantic partner could add to the picture nicely, but isn’t needed.
An aspy date app would be awesome. But please no pay a premium to see real people and we'll just flood you with bots that make you want to sign up and find out nobody was actually looking at your profile. That should be illegal 😢
@@Kaede-Sasaki Such a dating app would probably be really handy. And if you’re on the app, there won’t be a time you’d have to tell your date you’re autistic. Catfishes and bots are quite a discouraging side of apps. Especially with how much of a vulnerability aspie honesty can be. It’s important to stay safe online.
So let’s say i want to talk to you in real life. Do you have problem coming with topics in conversation? I am an introvert i ask a lot of questions to people which i come very likable, charming because i show interest into them. But i also lack social skills at times, can be awkward when they put me in spotlight though, i can come off as bizarre m, eccentric but i am not autistic at all, not even close. I do isolate myself a lot from people because i don’t like people to be honest…..It’s exhausting….I can make conversation with everyone if it benefits me. Mostly i am an quiet introvert guy. Thanks for the video.
Yeah this is why I gave up on nerotypicals. I only go out with nerodivergents not nessarly autism but I can't stand nerotypicals anymore. Our intimacy is totally different from nerotypicals. When you have two nerodivergent partners there is a lot of understanding between partners. Nerotypicals typically don't care about people like us. I have little issue being around lots of people including nerotypical people now because I like to go to the line dance club, which is also where I meet nerodivergent women. I am not official with the women I am trying to be with yet because she is slow to trust people which I understand. I don't know if she is officially diagnosed or not. I am not officially diagnosed unless you talk to my family doctor. I just know because we have similar behaviors. I just feel like I can't show my real self around nerotypical women. My mother helps out a bit when it comes to getting information on women I like. For example my mother is freinds with her mother.
Yes, autistic people love romantic relationships. Until the partner starts realizing that the emotional responses and reactions she wants and needs just arent expressed like she feels appropriate. Then the relationship starts to feel like a prison, where you never felt more alone. You started off feeling accepted for who you are, and ended up feeling abandoned by the one you trusted most. Thank god we dont have kids.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
Yes, please, to the offer for a video about why we have bad relationships with our families!
I know my PDA has a huge roll in this for me!
Besides the constant feeling of traversing a field of landmind-like triggers that navigating every day communications & interactions of life with others is for a PDAer, there's also the fact that your care for the person & value of your relationship with them then creates an internal demand to make sure things are good between you. Of course, it becomes nigh impossible to show your care & you become paralyzed at times bc you can't follow through with these realized internal demands, which causes you to shut down hardest with those you want to be closest to which leads to extreme feelings of loneliness which push you mental health off a cliff into a sad landfill of existence, but who needed companionship anyway??? 🧐 It's not like that's an essential component of a healthy lifestyle or anything!?!🤪
But seriously PDA (along with RSD) is probably the most debilitating aspect of my nuerodiversity. It's why I can't work normal jobs & it's why I struggle with unaliving myself because the more I want to show up for someone the harder it I'd & the more I hate myself.
Yes! Please!
Notis on!!
Yes, please :)
With grown up siblings
I feel like no matter how carefully I try to explain anything to a neurotypical person how I communicate, they always end up taking everything that I say, as a personal attack. It’s like they never actually listen to what I’m saying, and then twist the words into meaning something else, because how can a straightforward answer actually be a straightforward answer, it must always have some hidden meaning to it. It’s so frustrating trying to communicate with them, and then constantly having to apologize for something that they chose to misinterpret. I might as well be talking to the wall, at least the wall doesn’t blame me for something that it misunderstood.
I get you man! I mean, I just discovered my autism about 3 years ago, because once I got into my mid-30s, I found that I could no longer mask and pretend that everything is okay; and it scared me because I felt like I wouldn't be able to survive working full-time, and act like everything is okay when I am screaming and crying inside. And as you know, the older you get, the more that your mind and body declines over time (which explains why I couldn't mask as well as I used to, or pretend that I could handle it; I got chronically burned out to the point where I would try to continue mopping the floor at work, but I couldn't make my body go. It's like if somebody were to run a marathon; you eventually get to a point where you just can't go any longer and your body won't let you (even the Olympics athletes eventually run out of fuel if they had to run much longer than they usually do, because they are human). And so, when I first went to my family about this, they didn't want to believe that I have autism or Asperger's; but yet, they agree with me when I say that I have social anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, sensory issues, generalized anxiety, and problems with communicating with people. I found myself a counselor about 6 months ago and he told me that he could pick up on some Asperger's in me. But then, he would invalidate some of my autistic traits. It's like you said, I tell him that I have problems communicating what I want to communicate with people; and then he goes, "Well I don't think that you have problems communicating; you communicate very well." And there we go already with him misinterpreting what I mean by "having issues communicating". I felt frustrated inside, yelling in my head, "Yeah, I know that I can TALK Mr. Therapist dude! That's not what I meant!" But of course, it took me a few minutes to process what he just said to me, and then realize that he was misinterpreting what I said (like a lot of neurotypical people do); and of course, my mind wasn't able to send the signal to me that I should say out loud what I was thinking, and so I am left him with his misinterpretation and he is left with the impression that I meant that I can't talk in full sentences, when what I meant was that I can talk but I can't get my message across to people. And people often assume that I must mean the same thing that THEY mean when they use a certain phrase. When people do that though, it seems to cause them to block out the last half of my explanation, because they assume that they already know what I mean and therefore don't need to listen to the rest of it. I hear your frustration; lol!
@@ArtsyMegz_On_EtsyThank you for sharing, i'm touched that you have the courage to share this with me and the others reading what you have written. I know that frustration that you get when you can't explain in the moment what you mean, and then some time afterwards realize what you should have said instead, but then it's too late.
Same. It happens so much especially when I’m talking to my sister. I love my sister but when I try to explain how some things don’t make sense to me or how I interpret things. It gets turned into an argument about how I’m not listening or that I’m not understanding other people’s feelings. I’m trying to but after the back and forth, I just stop talking cause anything else I say will be wrong. Sigh sorry
I've somehow mostly managed to avoid them feeling attacked, but it's exhausting.
Which is why I've mostly ended up with other ND's, before knowing I am, or that they are.
Some NT's do, however, find the straightforward autistic communication refreshing. Especially if they have unfortunate experience with manipulative people.
@@jadelei17 You shouldn’t have to be sorry for being the way you are, constantly feeling wrong and apologizing to others is exhausting for anyone going through it, imagine if a person without legs constantly had to apologize for the inconvenience of not being able to walk, and people around that person always had to shame them for not doing as well as everyone else who has no problem walking, that’s how it feels to be Autistic in a world that hates you for being different.
5:35 "Nobody likes us" ... how I felt the first 30 years of my life.
I have a soulmate now. He is autistic, I am autistic, we like puns, video games, and eachother.
Awesome, how did you meet?
@@ginam8505 We met through Twitch chat rooms. Online casual chattering, where we found ourselves frequently viewing some of the same channels, usually Minecraft ones. A few years of these meetings in chat rooms, before our real life selves were seen in-person. We both wish to live with eachother for the rest of our lives. We have been living together since 2019.
I always think people don’t like me unless they come up to me, since I don’t know how to approach people. So glad my fiancé is neurodivergent/adhd and he loves animals as much as I do, our kids have four legs and fur
awww, goals!
Thanks Orion, needed this today. Brother who shut me out because I laid a boundary has just turned up while I'm visiting our elderly mother. Haven't seen him yet but the thought of it was sending my heart into erratic overdrive. Your vid calmed me because you validated my need to set that boundary. I am not a bad person for setting that boundary! Whew, thanks again 🎉
Well done for setting that boundary!
Setting boundaries is really difficult because we’ve been pushed around our entire lives
This has been such a helpful video. My closest friend is may husband. We've been married for 27 years....however....it has been a hard 27 years. I recently was diagnosed with AUD. SO many things now make sense. Your video on "The Cassandra Syndrome" really, really helped our communication shift for the better. My problem is with my oldest friends. They seem to have a story of who I am and the autism hasn't fit right. A few are open to this new understanding of "me", a few are not. None have been curious which mystifies me. I have a few newer friends and they have been very intrigued and accepting, even congratulatory. I feel fine with drifting away from most of my friendships, not sure if this is sad. But my friendship with myself, my spouse and new people we meet along the way for short periods of time are plenty! I really like the clouds and plants and animals and Earth as friends, far more consistently. and I cannot touch the issues around family with a 10 foot pole!
When you are 80, it will suddenly matter.
I feel like we would get along well. I love nature and animals. I became a dog groomer and opened my own business about 40 years ago. I have such wonderful customers. They know I love their dogs and often stay while I groom them.
I have to gave a hip replacement next week and so many of them have offered to help me or just run any errands for me.
I am so lucky to have a job where I work with dogs. The dogs know I love them and will do what they need to make it okay for them if they come for their first time scared. I get a lot of dogs that can't handle big, busy shops. Mine is calm, they can look out while I groom them and see deer, squirrels and even a fox or two because it is in the woods.
I also have managed to find a few close friends who accept me as I am and vice-versa.
It took me years to be able to express my needs in a way others hopefully would understand and to learn how to really listen to them as well.
Thank you for putting this video together, very helpful.
As a recently diagnosed autistic, I was the one who told my husband I was interested in him. A little back story, we had dated 4 years prior we had agreed we'd never get back together. At this point we had become good friends and I started having feelings for him, I knew where we stood on this issue so I figured he would run away. We got married a month later and have been together for 23 yrs. We have 5 kids and always wondered why our kids were on the spectrum, many assumed it was due to vaccines (we postponed vaccines). Nope, I am autistic. My husband was diagnosed a year ago with adhd and now suspects he is also autistic.
I had to cut off my mother and sister because they were toxic. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself and my kids.
This sounds like us but with less kids. Can you tell me How you were properly diagnosed? Having issues finding help. Ty
@@ginam8505 I went through it online, Sach's Center based out of NY. They were much cheaper than going through the DSM-5 testing. The testing and questions were very thorough., I was very satisfied. I hope this helps.
Autism is more than 90 percent genetic actually so is ADHD
@@ginam8505 I went through an online center based out of NY, called Sachs Center that diagnoses for autism and adhd. George Sachs has a youtube page as well. He was the one who diagnosed me.
i love these stories, goals!
This video adds *so much* value to the community and extended community (those that love an Autistic person). Thanks for another great video, Orion! : )
Not seeing people’s intentions is a huge issue. Ive been bitten many times for not seeing people arent trustworthy and have equally missed opportunities with good people.
The biggest issue i've had over my life with dating is sensory overload. All the feelings that neurotypicals have are magnified. So like just holding hands takes my breath away let alone more, so i have to take things really slowly but this can come across as anxious, nervous or unconfident etc which isn't the case at all. Being friends and being understood first is ideal, but by this stage i'm friendzoned so the whole process is a nightmare.
Well timed Orien. I've got a big family gathering coming up. You've reminded me I need to make plans for when me and my son get overwhelmed and decide to go off for a random walk. Last time we just got back before they started out on a search party 🤣
Thank you so much for this video it will help many people. It has taken many years of suffering and over trying to make things work with my siblings before I finally recognised that the relationship is toxic. I now actively avoid contact. If I'd seen this video years ago I could have saved myself so much pain....
29:50 that would be incredible! if someone ever says that to me, I'll know I've found a real friend. so many relatables here, Orion. cheers!
I have a friend (yay, I have ONE friend!🎉) I'm going to share this with; in fact, this could be three separate videos to make it more shareable to the appropriate people for those of us who don't know how to articulate things as well as you do, @Orion. I think I do this to her all the time ... although it's hard to know where to draw the line because it is a fact that I've helped her with serious, REAL problems (e.g., health issues, potential homelessness) because she has a very self-defeating attitude when I _know_ there are solutions available. So it's hard to know where to draw the line. Although if she ever does say that to me (i.e., calls me "Orion"), I'll have some serious NEW concerns about her!😉
Oh I would love to see the family vid cause it's definitely the boat I'm in
Friend: Hey want to go to my place and watch a movie?
Me: Yay!
(Later) Friend: (leans in for a kiss)
Me: WHAAAA??!! (popcorn flies)
Ugh.
i dont get it 😭
Yeah well this is like 80% of young women who have this ONLY BECAUSE they can't see a guys OBVIOUS intentions, even neurotypical girls. And trust me, ALL US GUYS can see it while you can't until the kiss lean in.
@@OffGridInvestor huhh?
Yes please, I would love a video about why we have bad relationships with family.
Omg please do a video on family relationships! Would love to hear your thoughts 🙏
I was going to hang out with this guy who clearly seemed interested. He asked if I wanted to hang out at his house.
I asked what he intended.
He went silent for awhile and then told me "it didn't feel right".
Later he told me I came on too strong. 🤷
I guess I was supposed to know that sex was a possibility but I like to know what someone is thinking.
I would've happily just gone and hung out with him as a friend but apparently he interpreted my questions as desperation.
I'm still confused about why exactly. I thought clarity of intentions was healthy.
Hum... Idk, but this seems sketchy to me. I think he was ill intended (probably just wanted do have sex) and when you asked him directly, you "caught" him because he was planning to be sneaky about it. So he shifted the blame so you looked "desperate", it's typical NT manipulation to come out in top if you ask me. He was the desperate one.
Maybe he wanted a grey area so he could get what he wanted without any give and take. Just a suggestion, some people are like that. Pronified
creeps like to confuse you because it is like a test to see if they can fool you into doing things. Healthy people don't. clarity is healthy, some people just don't like to be upfront because it may 'kill the mood' - or rather their chances with you if they are honest. Personally it makes me scream run.
Timeless wisdom says you don’t “date” a near-stranger at their house! Even more true nowadays.
Your question was absolutely appropriate, don't worry at all, it was his problem if he couldn't give you a clear answer
Orion, thank you so much for that video. You have no idea how much it helps.
Pro tip: romance doesn't require dating. I had plenty of romantic relationships and they never involved a "date." If the person you want to get involved with really likes (and wants to continue for life doing) something that you really dislike (such as going out on a date) then it's better to know that and not spend time pursuing that relationship in the first place.
Also, yes just be straightforward about the ways you are different from what they might expect instead of trying to hide it. The goal is not to trick the person into thinking you are someone you're not so that they'll like you. It's to find someone who accepts and loves you as you are. That also removes all of the stress and worry about "making a mistake" from the situation, because being you isn't a mistake.
6:06, I have always relied on the opposite sex, to show interest in me, and make the first move. Fear of rejection related. Once I have the green light, I can take charge.
I did too. Still single though 😢
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Disappearance protection
Thank you, Orion. This one I definitely needed, especially the last part, (on family).
I believe a potential connection may no longer be a possibility. I am saddened, but I believe it is for the best. This video really broke things down.. where she and I both goofed up. I have the utmost respect for her, and wish her the best
i have learned over the years not to tell any one I am Autistic, it does not work out well
It’s sad that we have to hide our true selves, I hope that the world becomes more tolerant towards our group of people, like it has been forced to be tolerant to others who were considered sick or beneath other humans in the past.
I've only learned that I'm autistic. *Not* telling people I'm autistic hasn't worked well either.
I found that the only people that I want to stick with are the ones that DO take it well when I tell them. It's not many, but it's a great filter.
@@MathMagician93exactly better to have a small circle of trusted people than lots of untrustworthy ones
@@marksteven6116 I figured out my boyfriend has autism fairly early on. He told me about a year later. The right people for you will accept you for who you are. Just make sure you do have a growth mindset and are willing to learn and grow for and with your partner, as well as for yourself.
Looking at my family, i think one of the things that made it difficult is i was the first kid, a girl, in a religion that has a very narrow view of what girls are allowed to be, so they had a whole list of expectations and plans, and instead of adapting their expectations to the kid that arrived, they spent my whole life trying to force me to fit their expectations and acheive their plans as dictated by their religion.
On top of that, it was an authoritarian mode of parenting with the added toxicity of always pretending everything was fine. And any attempt to express anything other than fake toxic positivity was forcefully squelched. A child can never learn proper communication or even to understand themselves or life properly in such an environment. Doubly hard when tge child is autistic.
Now that im an adult who finally escaped that religion (and the toxic marriage it had forced me into)...I don't know who I am, or where to go from here. And I certainly do not know how people interact outside the world i was raised in. There is an aspect of exciting adventure, but also a great deal of fear and uncertainty. A feeling of being lost in a foriegn land with no map, only a rudimentary grasp of the language at best, and no idea what your destination is called when trying to get directions.
Congratulations for getting out!
Allow yourself to heal and to find out who you are. I'd imagine that one year might not be enough on that journey. Wouldn't be surprise if therapy was needed. Because how can one even build a healthy attachment model in that kind of environment? And the attachment model affects so much of our relationships with people in life.
Your values and interests is one starting point for finding who you really are. And if you haven't found you interests yet... Well then there's some exploration to do.
@@jecicox7605 my Catholic mother is a POS. Narcissistic and authoritarian. Even thirteen years after my moving out of the house she doesn't understand me. The phone calls are unbearable. So after Kate Middleton got cancer I stopped talking to my mother even on the phone, let alone in person. Because I want to brood about Kate Middleton and my mother doesn't get it!
If anyone calls my infatuation with Kate Middleton "childish" I'll report you for bullying. She's my autistic special interest (along with Renaissance and Baroque music and pipe organs).
28:01
I can confirm I like to help my friends. Especially in deeper, emotional conversations. I think I’m reliable in that regard. And the friend I find it easiest with to speak about my troubles has autism as well. I’ve also experienced him helping ‘too much’, in my opinion. I once had my kneecap dislocated (which is a very… shit experience). So when I first came to school after that, I had a brace around my leg and used crutches. He wanted to accompany me to every class I had to go to. Carry my bag. I didn’t really want that, even though it’s very attentive. It comes from a really kind place. But I was able to get around fine. I’d gotten an elevator key so I could switch floor. And I got pretty handy with the crutches.
Found your channel several weeks ago and I'm crying... You are answering so many questions! I feel validated (finally) after YEARS of knowing I'm different but not understanding why? 🤔 Both my spouse AND I are definitely on the spectrum but NEVER been officially diagnosed. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty...
Best video ever posted by you!
I used to date online, it's been ten years. I learned in high school not to trust anyone whatsoever. So, I have the opposite problem where I assume everyone is out to get me because, in high school, it was true. I also avoid people as much as possible and fit the criteria for avoidant personality disorder. Somehow, I ended-up on a lot of dates. There were a lot of profiles that had older photos, so I had a rule where I would only meet for a drink to decide on a real date and go from there. I met a few psychos with anger issues, one trashed my home. Eventually, I met someone and we got married a few years later. She is ADHD to a 'T.' I have ADHD and am autistic.
i love hw everyone has an adhd partner
I have always believed couples should live in duplexes with the guy on one side and me on the other (with a cat!)
Nothing wrong with your own space and then coming and going as it suits you and your partner
“If you don’t want to compromise you don’t want a relationship… Compromise means how do you guys find middle ground.” My fiance and I (she’s ND but not autistic) have been discussing this ever since I got my diagnoses. 31:46
Yes please! Please do an Asperger’s family dynamics video!
Excellent facts and tips 😊
Would like to understand Family dynamics..
This is yet another thing I wish I knew 40 years ago!
Thank you for this!
The biggest problem with families is Autism is genetic. A lot of issue come from un-diagnosed parents and un-diagnosed kids.
@@chrismaxwell1624 Yes! Our family is currently coming to a realization or at least me, this is our case! Im the mom and I know my son has ASD, we have been trying to get proper diagnosis but it’s very challenging. These type of videos are helping me realize this is something i have too. So hard to find good people that can help. But at least we have these videos otherwise I wouldn’t have ever had an idea. I am worried for my son… sorry to go on and on.
@@ginam8505only natural once a mother always a mother
My grandfather. VERY obviously aspergers. I have never actually heard any of his daughters say anything good about him. SERIOUSLY. And I couldn't see how he was "bad". Just quite strict, highly moral and highly principled.
@@OffGridInvestor My grandfather was like that too. Though my mother and aunt/uncles never said anything bad about him. He passed away when I was 4, heard he was very protective of me and I remember lots about him. Missing fingers, talking to him and such always kind to me. People tend to not speak negatively about the dead though.
I met my husband on an online game. We just celebrated 20 years of marriage. It hasnt always been easy which is why Im watching this video. But we are happy. I'm kind of a nightmare so if there is hope for me, no one should give up
Given a fairly painful rejection last week - after I went way beyond my comfort zone to try to develop relationships, this all just feels hopelessly disheartening. I don't feel like I have the hardware to ever learn the skills to be anything other than alone and unwanted.
I *hate* my brain. I just wish it worked normally. Maybe things would be better then.
I’m sorry to hear that the way that the world has treated you has led to you hating the way your brain works. We don’t choose to be born differently. I hope that this community can help you find some good sides to being autistic. I wish you all the best.
I feel you bro.
I feel the same way
If it comforts you: neurotypical people go through their fair share of rejection as well. But us neurodivergents just take the rejection harder, which quickly spirals into this feeling of "it can never work out".
My tip: do not go that far beyond your comfort zone. It will drain you too much. I measure my trips out of my comfort zone such that I can do them semi-regularly.
If your lonely you could get yourself a pet to start with a dog or cat they’ll give you unconditional love, someone to snuggle with and they never judge you
great information.
Just to say I really appreciated this video, Orion 👏
I love your videos, Orion. Just wanted to start with that.
I’m late diagnosed autistic (2.5 years ago). The main reason I decided to watch this one is because I need help with figuring out how to do a romantic relationship. It’s not anything I’ve been good at during my life, been mostly awkward and don’t know when a guy is interested in dating or just wants to be friends.
After enduring an abusive dating relationship in my mid 20’s, I’ve had little to no interest in anything romantic until recently. After being diagnosed and being in therapy to help unpack and tear down all the walls I’ve had to build just to survive life, and now figuring out who I really am as a neurodivergent person, I’ve discovered that I’m lonely and really would like a committed, healthy romantic relationship.
I’ve attempted it twice so far this year and, well, neither went well. The first guy just wanted to play mind games and the second, I guess he changed his mind after learning I’m neurodivergent.
There’s a lot you say in this video that I’m going to need to rewatch and take notes on so I can talk with my therapist about it next week. I like how other autistic people can put words to the jumbled nonsensical mess floating around my brain!
My son and my husband are both autistic. I may also be on the Spectrum (according to an online test I took). My husband is very emotionally reactive. I am the stoic one. We both need a lot of alone time but it is very hard to remain emotionally connected and meet the emotional needs of our children. I always liked that my husband was very direct and honest but he isn't forth coming. He won't say what he thinks or feels unless he is asked which is frustrating. He also doesn't have sensory issues. He loves touch and affection and doesn't understand why this is difficult for me. I have to tell him I have reached my hug quota or ask him to stop hugging me for extended periods of time.
That very last point you made, about autistic parents using the tips you and other autistic creators give to help stop what happened to us from happening to our children is exactly what I've been trying to do since my daughter was little. She's 14 now and showed signs since she was about 3, but didn't get diagnosed until she was 8. Everything that I did as a kid, i see it in her, and I had a horrible, lonely, bullied childhood because of autistic traits that made me look "weird" to everyone else. I don't want my daughter to have to go through that. Our kids deserve to be happy and to be treated as people, not as diseases to be avoided. If I can at least give my daughter a home where she doesn't have to mask and is accepted for who she really is, then I will. It is such a lonely and degrading feeling to be looked at and treated differently just because we operate on different code than everyone else. No one deserves to feel alone.
I literally thought I knew everything about human-ing, but honestly I understand nothing about relationships, and it breaks my heart because I love my friends and wish I could have a healthy romantic relationship. Thanks mate
Most def assume that most people don't like me. Part of that is that for most people I can only handle them in small doses and figure that it must be the same for them too.
Totally with you that if you do like me you need to specifically say so, though saying that most of the time that will make me confused and uncomfortable.
I’ve been directed to you as I’ve started dating someone on the autistic spectrum and have never dated an autistic person before but wow your really insightful and have subscribed now so will be listening to from now on 👍😊
Thank you for this video. I’m AuDHD and my bf has ADHD but I suspect he has autism also. I remember suspecting it years ago and he got really upset when I mentioned the possibility. It’s an interesting experience between the both of us, because we’re very different from each other. The things you mention are something either I or him or maybe even both do or have. It’s very hard when a fight happens because he has the hardest time trying to understand me, and I have the capability of understanding him, but get frustrated when he doesn’t understand me. I also saw the cassandra syndrome video and honestly I think we’ve gotten to that state. I really want to do couple’s therapy. It’s hard when you don’t have the means to get it, but we’re still trying to navigate. I’m actually a very extroverted autistic whereas he’s very introverted. He’s very literal with his challenges so I do my best to understand him, but his logic tends to be toxic and manipulative. I don’t think he sees that though. He’s looking out and advocating for himself, and honestly it’s gotten to the point where when I express my feelings, it always leads to me apologizing to him. I’m trying to understand both my father (pretty sure he has autism, but he’s from a generation where he will definitely have a meltdown if I bring it up, so your videos make me understand him more) and my bf, and honestly your videos make me understand the aspects of autism, or how they can present in others better. Thank you so much for these videos. I keep sending your links to my bf. Maybe he might get a better understanding of himself too? Who knows.
Edit: I don’t know if it’s possible because I know you have a neurodiverse relationship, but is it possible to make a video on relationships between two very different autistic people? AuDHD if that’s even possible. I understand if that’s impossible, it’s just a video idea :’)
Heads up, fellow autistic adults. I learned I am lacking in emotional maturity. I resisted this and became defensive when presented with the information. I then looked into it. Yep. I've been slower to develop in this area. I'm working on it now. I feel like this knowledge is at the core of a lot of my social and emotional regulation difficulties up until now. It feels good to learn this. I can learn it. I really wish I learned it for an earlier relationship but grateful I'm learning this because of it.
Take a look at it if you're generally confused when it comes to romantic relationships. I understood the dating phase, sort of. I did well there for five or six months. Then, the relationship moved into the next phase. I completely missed the signals that was happening. It threw me. I became very confused. This led to filtered thinking and some cognitive distortions. Remember to ask a friend to help you reality-test. I did not. I will if that sort of story starts again. It led to the end. I became resentful and ended up visibly frustrated with her in a very calm setting after a few months of her pulling away without words. I'm taking full responsibility for my half of the relationship. I feel a lot more empowered knowing this knowledge. I have remorse for how it ended. I also have gratitude for her and the time we spent and especially, this learning.
Thanks, Orion. You have helped me understand this diagnosis a lot more. I'm studying to become a (autistic) clinical psychologist. I'm focusing on lifespan development and romantic relationships, attachment and positive psychology.
Thank you so much 💚
I had such big walls up in school, as a result of rejection, that I didn't even know that a bunch of people were checkin' for me and I thought no one was interested in me. Since then my high school friends have described me as unapproachable and aloof. I thought I was just unattractive. I was just one of those girls who was good at masking
Very relatable video as always ^^
@Orion , can you maybe do a video about the fixation on one person? Like if you're hyperfixated on that one person and you want to spend as much time with them as possible, and you really really want to be friends with them, but also aren't sure if your feelings are just on the friendship side or actually on the romantic side, and you'd be way too overbearing and all over them if you wouldn't hold back,
You know what I mean? 😅
I've never found a video or article about this topic, so I'm curious how other people experience and juggle this Problem ^^
I’m kind of proud about my friendships. I’d say I have six truly important people in my life: My parents, my brother and my three friends. Sure, there are other people I could get along with, but I wouldn’t call them friends. There’s a clear distinction there. My oldest friendship has been lasting for eleven years and counting (I’m eighteen). We met during primary school (Dutch basisschool, to be more specific). I think we have the most in common, in terms of interests. The teacher kind of put us together during recess because neither of were playing football, which most of the boys did. Golden move by her. My second friend was made during the first year of Dutch middelbare school (which I guess is near the end of middle school… I’m not overly acquainted with foreign school systems). I kind of spent the first few months ‘trying’ different people. And eventually one has stuck. Friends for six years now. In the yearbook, after graduation last year, people apparently voted us in first place in the category ‘which two friends are the most inseparable?’. Nice. Quality over quantity I’d say. My third friend was a blessing in disguise from COVID. People who struggled to concentrate from home could follow their online classes at school. At break time, my now friend just decided to come sit next to me. He’s also autistic. And I knew that before I got my own diagnosis. We’ve been friends for like four years. I think the autism element makes him the most relatable to me. We can have relatively easy heart-to-hearts with one another.
These three friends I’ve all picked up around different times in my life, were initially just my friends. Not each other’s friends. But through attending my birthdays (and now having board game days/nights every so often), they also became each other’s friends and did more things without me as a conduit, so to speak.
The only really hard thing, when it comes to friends, is trying to make new ones in new environments. A new environment is taxing on its own. But adding these social interactions with new people to it and ‘poof’ energy’s gone. I would like to have more friends (not a boatload more, just one friend here or there [quality over quantity]). Especially after high school. I’ve had a constant environment and two of my three friends were there as well. It’s hard that this constant is no longer there. Everybody’s going in a different direction.
I used to be extremely scared of romantic relationships since have come back to that, but for a while, I would literally never know what to do so I would just randomly initiate the physical contact often at the wrong time… almost to rip the Band-Aid off, so the expectation of if waiting for the guy to make a move and wondering if they liked me or not, in a physical sense, could be answered. For a female this is often read by the neurotypical male as forward, but I literally didn’t know what to do. Some men were impressed I was so “secure as a woman” others had the exact opposite response. I ended up over thinking it so much and questioning if I was a good or bad woman that I gave up. First impressions are to challenging in romantic relationships. Never mind if they actually get to see and know me.
Sorry for any typos I’m terrible sometimes and lazy when it comes to checking my grammar
Not dating but technically a dating situation... I was just scrolling through Facebook and commented on something regarding my dorm. The guy started messaging me and asked what I was doing and I said watching Gilmore girls. He asked if he could join. I said Yes because I was obsessed with the series and I was prepared to share my excitement. Unfortunately, he was actually thinking about the idea of Netflix and Chill and I was thinking he just wanted to watch my show 😅 oops he was nice though and realized quickly that I was actually meaning what I said and expected to just watch TV with him.
I met the guy in several classes before so he wasn't a "stranger" really but I didn't know him outside of classes.
Yeah, I want you to do a video on why autistic people can be distant from family and/or not on good terms.
My brother was a jerk to me. They said ALL siblings fight. I disagree. I believe in treating loved ones good. If I like them, I want to be good to them. Family should be better, because they're my freaken family. Grrrrrrrah!!!!
Also my mother would invite my niece and nephew over and expect me to watch them WITHOUT saying anything until that moment.
No ones perfect and my mom might have undiagnosed ADHD, That I'm learning could be.She may just not know how to go about doing that.
I have a close friend that I suspect may be adult-undiagnosed autistic and this video sounds a LOT like us. We've been trying to work through a personal problem for almost a year now but when ever we try to talk about it one of us gets set off and spooked about something and we have to hit pause for another few months. We're both trying so hard to communicate or side as well as comprehend what the other is feeling, and make sure we're speaking the same 'language' to each other but it's been a lot of trial and error. A lot of these videos have actually been big helps for navigating past issues (I'll say something I heard from here and he'll go 'OMG, you get it!' or 'OMG how did you know what I was thinking!?') I have hope we can work through this too, just going to take time and patience with each other. I'd love to see him get evaluated, I think it would be a big help for him to have an answer one way or another, but no idea how to initiate that conversation, or even if it's my place to. It sucks seeming him struggle with personal relationships.
Well, I just wanted to cut of contact with my very abusive mother.
But the small rest of my family (father was refugee so no contact to this side of family, mother just had one sibling with one child, grandparents died early and I was only child) then decided to have no contact with me then as well.
So I am totally alone since very early.
Now when my parents died in not a year after each other nobody told me, I don't know where they had been buried, was excluded from heritage, not even got my childhood photos I could use for official ASS-diagnose next year october.
So my advice would be be very careful with this decision. It can destroy You in both ways, but it might help to be in a position to decide which one kills You less hurtful.
I went no contact with my whole family. I'm not completely alone because I have my husband, but it's just the both of us. It's definitely hard, but living with people that see you as inferior and use you is worse.
@@viviane_casella I missed my dad all the decades and still do, as my aunt and my cousin. It was just my mother. And I have no-one I am important for. When I had an emergency-surgery noone braught me things to hospital, picked me up, cared or me back home. No one hugged me after all the deaths in the last years. That´s horrible.
I really prefer to be alone for most of my time. But to be alone in heavy times is brutal.
This is such an important topic for many of us, and I look forward to hearing what Orion does with this topic. I was late diag at 51 and sister at 63. We knew our childhood was difficult, but the reactions to our diagnosis of our remaining parent and siblings were severely disappointing and invalidating for us. Having a therapist to work through this with has been invaluable. The new book It's Not You by Dr Ramani Durvasula is very helpful around any maladaptive behaviours people do. A healthy family will understand if you need to take time out to process your diagnosis - and will respect your boundaries, not punish you for them.
I've noticed recently, from watching your and others' ASD videos, that I overcompensate in all of my relationships in regards to almost every interaction, especially with my siblings (one is also autistic, the other isn't): my neurotypical sibling is a few inches shorter than everyone else and we all (them too) will occasionally make a height joke at their expense, and almost every time I follow up by asking them to tell me if stuff like that ever isn't actually funny to them because the thought of accidentally hurting their feelings is terrifying. But only my couple autistic friends do this same kind of overcompensation when interacting with me, for anything, from humorous to serious conversations; I've yet to encounter a neurotypical in the wild who exhibits even a little bit of this, though I know logically there are some out there who probably do.
Please do the family relationships video. Also I hear you about ‘Maths’. Don’t get me started on Legoes . It’s Lego, plural, we don’t need an s.
I also have a complex maths disabilities along with my Autism and ADHD my strengths are in the humanities and performing arts
For successful dating - if your attachment model isn't of the relatively secure kind, but avoidant or anxious or disorganised, I really recommend you to try to do something about that.
Because with insecure attachment model you're unfortunately likely to find not-so-healthy relationships, or to destroy those that could have been healthy. You might not even recognise the healthy ones.
Yes pls do a video about families. Like what do we do if turns out most of us (siblings, parents, cousins, aunts & uncles) are all ND in some way either Autistic/AuDHD/ADHD?? Just a big bundle of never ending miscommunication & disfunction even though we love each other 😅.
The first person I truly felt connected and comfortable with is also the person I cannot be with because it’s really draining. I have children and I have to prioritize them and break up with the guy. Don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t want the romantic relationship anymore, I need to be single and use all my free time for myself and my kids, that’s just reality.
I'm in friendship zone for life. Friend zoned because of my Autism I don't ever seem mature enough to a real relationship, but constantly fiddled around with...if you know what I mean. I quit doing the who relationship thing because it was exhausting. I thought some people like me when they didn't. I thought I conveyed liking the way someone would want it ...and was told I was being too domestic (probably because I was trying to copy what relationships were but not be authentic)...or to stop psychoanalyzing the relationship and just let it flow as it comes (because I needed to understand as I went along). Point is, it was never the neurotypical way of doing things as you mentioned.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the part about not making the first move well... it seems like enabling someone with autism to just say they are aware of this behavior but unwilling to even try. I'm not autistic but I have other issues. Part of therapy and improving with our mental differences and difficulties to connect or accommodate others. Shouldn't there be more of a degree of give and take? Many of us fear rejection (autistic or not) just the same, but we have to fight through this. But other than that - the video is great on improving bonding skills. Thank you. :)
~10.00 is a good one. That can be going to a "great place" but shifting the time so the crowd is not there. Having breakfast before the fashionable brunch crowd show up, for example. On the comment about small talk, one on the problems for some spectrum people is that being "up" on "small talk" or "banter" means taking the time to learn a vocabulary and plays that do not sit well with their identity or priorities. Some souls see that bantering or quick responses are signs for "knowing the game" and being "players in the game". Many spectrum individuals are not interested in learning how to be players in a game that they despise. (One of my pet hates, for example, is genocidal fascism, so any kind of play that means "following the game" without caring about the outcome is a major red flag, and I refuse to play. On the other side, someone who does not care about the fall out of their plays or who is hurt is also a major turn off. So we are trying to find that sweet spot where we can communicate a desire for social, ethical, emotional intelligence, without being forced to be cruel or smarmy to prove we are "smart" or "in" on cruel games).
Some of them disregard it, bc they don’t understand. They’re like others who meet someone with high functioning ASD and believe they’re different or difficult without knowing or understanding. My dad is the type of person who believes to treat them as if they’re anyone else, and that just sums up who he is. Maybe family issues aren’t necessarily the issue, it’s that ASD people isolate themselves. They are easily overwhelmed and have social difficulties, so they distance themselves to prevent overstimulating. My mom is a great example, she talks too much, God love her, she also doesn’t listen, but mostly she loves to raise her voice. Instead of being around her and having to snap, I just remove myself since she can’t control her temper. We need to be in the proper environments, bc when we do finally snap it’s serious business.
Yes please make a video about problems with family. I am 70, late self-diagnosed, and had one of those toxic families. It came from our mother. There is just me and one out of my 5 siblings left. I think that he is autistic, too. We were a family of autistic people. That came from my father. My brother and I just send texts on Holidays and birthdays. That's the extent of our relationship.
Great video but as someone who has done a LOT of online dating I respectfully disagree with your advice at 17:27. I think it's much better to arrange to meet in person as soon as possible if you think you're both interested (and you are aiming for an in person relationship). Otherwise we waste a lot of time and energy in connections that don't actually work in real life or in people who are misrepresenting themselves. It doesn't need to be a big fancy date, I usually like to just meet them for a coffee and a walk around the park. 45mins tops. Go back to texting until you get to know their ins and outs better if you want to, but I think it's incredibly important to get that vibe check and verify they are who they say they are before investing too much in connecting online. This is an opinion from many years of personal trial and error 💜
I dont know if im autistic but when i have people asking me stuff like how are you i tend to reply honestly even when i dont know the person...for example i explain my whole mood and how my day was...😅Because also when i ask people these stuff i expect from them the same.Aaalso i have a huge issue when my program go wrong and plans are changing🥺
❤❤❤
If anyone wants to be friends, hit me up lol (not looking for romance, just convos and silly things) I don't really have interest in dating these days, but I remember as a teen, the ideal date, to me, was either taking in a movie out or inviting them over for dinner. I LOVE COOKING FOR PEOPLE. It's also a special interest. Turns out, that's not a very popular way to date, or at least not then. If I ever invite you over and I'm cooking my arse off in the kitchen when you arrive, be careful. Might have my eye on ya lol jk
I have recently split from a man who I am really still in love with. After lots of reading, talking to my therapist, etc. It is very clear now that he is on the spectrum. However, he is not diagnosed. We are both in our late 60’s. Now that I see this I am responding to him differently and working on friendship as a relationship repair. In retrospect I made so many mistakes and it’s obvious why we “broke up”. I see no advantage in telling him what I believe or asking him to get diagnosed. I am simply adjusting myself and accepting him as he is. Do you see any reason for asking him to get diagnosed properly. Intuitively I feel that would shame him after so many years of him masking. I am really curious what you think about this. Thanks.
Pretty much my experience before I or the other person ran to hills or being 3 years late.
i had a close friend with autism, we use to hang out and message loads, then she moved away and got immersed in scuba diving, the messages got less, obviously she got all new people around her as well. she tells me we need to stop messaging. i understand so messages stop. then one day she messages me how you doing. little conversation, not as heavy as before, weeks pass. i messaged her the other day just to see how she was doing. she was like you gotta stop messaging me. obviously i will, i dont wanna stress anyone out, especially when im just checking in. i wish i understood better.
we do need the WHY aspect video
Great video, learned much.
Must say… in the US it is math. And we rarely say mathematics, favoring, instead, arithmetic. Reading and writing and 'rithmetic, taught to the tune of a hickory stick 🎵. As you’ve noted, I believe, other countries say sport instead of sports though logically sports are plural. The tl;dr is is doesn’t matter if the word you think it came from seems plural, it’s just a linguistic shift and it’s math.
Carry on.
When it comes to eye contact with someone you have a bit of a romantic interest in…
First of all, it’s just generally not easy and unnatural to maintain.
But secondly, I don’t want to be labelled to creep or anything, by having too much eye contact or unwanted eye contact.
It’s hard for me to make and keep up with friends cuz of my autism and seizures and having relationships also
Fortunately my anchor partner is neurodiverse but that doesn't really mean we don't misinterpret each others emoting. But we absolutely talk and communicate.
What I dont get is how to be honest and not get rejected for it. I never get anyone reaching out. 100% of the time I talk to someone Ive initiated. I dont get messages from anyone. And I always either othershare or say something that makes them ghost me. I don't understand and how am I supposed to learn is no one explains?
I also have no problem setting boundaries. I in fact have the opposite problem. I know exactly what boundaries I have and have a overcoming them enough to bridge the gap from the verification and safety checks.
Nice Shirt.
I think a normal relationship would be overwhelming. I can't imagine having to share a bed with someone and sex seems kinda gross but I still feel lonely sometimes and wish I could be close with someone.
I feel I would need to take a shower before and after, but worried my partner-in-grime would take offence to that 😂
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I need to water my friends. Check 😂
I was wondering about this. But is just jumping out there going to be worth it? I've tried to just throw myself out there and it's been working but I need to pull back a lot more.
23:10 Friendship
High Ground> Middle Ground> Low Ground> No Ground
"I have the high ground!"
🌋🌋🌋🔥🔥
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@@Kaede-Sasaki , you underestimate my middle ground.
Anikin didn't THINK he had the high ground. He thought he could overtake the high ground, but instead get sliced back down to the low ground 😂
Excuse my ignorance ... but who IS this Anikin?
What about the question I keep asking myself. "I am pretty sure I'm on the spectrum but don't feel autism enough."
It’s a massive challenge to be in a decade long relationship with an autistic person. Do you think they are ever capable of being responsible? No never , whenever it get tough in live the, don’t count in them! Children problems? It’s too much for them
Autism feels what does that book title mean please
no cause why do i always think everyone’s attacking me
I can’t speak from personal experience, but perhaps certain ‘niche’ dating apps could be suitable for some people. An MBTI RUclipsr has had sponsorships by a dating app that only shows your MBTI personality type and such first, before revealing profile pictures and such. Personally, I’m not planning to date online. It would probably make it easier to get things going, but in my eyes, it feels kind of forced or unnatural. That said, I don’t expect myself to approach anyone in person, so who knows what the future may hold? At the moment, I’m not searching for a relationship anyway and I’m probably better off figuring out more important things first. I’d be open to have a relationship after that, but I don’t think I’m going to really look for one. I don’t believe in the nonsense of ‘a partner being your other half’ or something. I’m my own, unique individual and a romantic partner could add to the picture nicely, but isn’t needed.
An aspy date app would be awesome. But please no pay a premium to see real people and we'll just flood you with bots that make you want to sign up and find out nobody was actually looking at your profile. That should be illegal 😢
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@@Kaede-Sasaki Such a dating app would probably be really handy. And if you’re on the app, there won’t be a time you’d have to tell your date you’re autistic.
Catfishes and bots are quite a discouraging side of apps. Especially with how much of a vulnerability aspie honesty can be. It’s important to stay safe online.
Marmite is better than Vegemite. Maybe Jenn will like that better!!😂
Anakin was trying to pull the same move Obi-Wan did to Darth Maul. Didn’t really work for him did it.
So let’s say i want to talk to you in real life. Do you have problem coming with topics in conversation? I am an introvert i ask a lot of questions to people which i come very likable, charming because i show interest into them. But i also lack social skills at times, can be awkward when they put me in spotlight though, i can come off as bizarre m, eccentric but i am not autistic at all, not even close. I do isolate myself a lot from people because i don’t like people to be honest…..It’s exhausting….I can make conversation with everyone if it benefits me. Mostly i am an quiet introvert guy. Thanks for the video.
"Mastering Relationships (Romantic & Not, But Romantic First) for Autistic Adults"
Missing words here! First, it's tips mastering romantic relationships, THEN platonic, too.
Dating was a nightmare for me
Yeah this is why I gave up on nerotypicals. I only go out with nerodivergents not nessarly autism but I can't stand nerotypicals anymore. Our intimacy is totally different from nerotypicals. When you have two nerodivergent partners there is a lot of understanding between partners. Nerotypicals typically don't care about people like us. I have little issue being around lots of people including nerotypical people now because I like to go to the line dance club, which is also where I meet nerodivergent women. I am not official with the women I am trying to be with yet because she is slow to trust people which I understand. I don't know if she is officially diagnosed or not. I am not officially diagnosed unless you talk to my family doctor. I just know because we have similar behaviors. I just feel like I can't show my real self around nerotypical women. My mother helps out a bit when it comes to getting information on women I like. For example my mother is freinds with her mother.
Yes, autistic people love romantic relationships.
Until the partner starts realizing that the emotional responses and reactions she wants and needs just arent expressed like she feels appropriate.
Then the relationship starts to feel like a prison, where you never felt more alone.
You started off feeling accepted for who you are, and ended up feeling abandoned by the one you trusted most.
Thank god we dont have kids.
I'm never going to have a relationship so this doesn't matter. This is just depressing. Too long too.
Never say never
Moved so it's even harder for me. 😢
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