I'm not autistic, but even I get annoyed with all of this sexual politics stuff and mind games and saying one thing to mean another. Mate, just tell me what you feel. Do you like me or not? Because I don't have time for this crap. I blame Cosmo and rom-coms.
Being in a relationship with my autistic boyfriend is a huge win for me. He is so pure and bubbly. He laughs hard and smiles extra wide. He is easily the most exciting person ive ever met.
@@Calipicker I’m not saying there aren’t negatives, we pick and choose in our lives what we want to focus on. Focusing on the negative does nothing. Change your perspective on any situation and it can be way worse or way better.
I agree with all you have said! One thing that has helped me is remembering that just because my husband is NT does not mean he is invincible and he can feel hurt and stressed too.
@ziggypip2938 Ik this is old (very old haha) but as an NT I disagree w this. I see some, not all NDs as more dependent on their relationships than the average NT bc they have inferiority complexes and abandonment issues, it's just that the way they express it isn't as obvious
@@sophiavarona1616 Important to note that neurotypical people can have inferiority complexes and abandonment issues as well. It's a person to person thing, it's not limited to autistic people. Also, I think both of the neurotypical people I dated had inferiority complexes, and instead of making them more clingy/dependent it made them way more insulting and manipulative
I’ve been with my autistic partner over 30 years now. Only in the last couple of years he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster of emotions from high to low over many years . Now that I have the knowledge that I want to deep,y accept him and find out as much as possible about Aspergers. As we rebuild our partnership with this new knowledge I struggle with not feeling valued or acknowledged . He is in his early 60s and is very focused on his work. It does not come naturally to him to put me first. His special interests are finding connection with others. I on the other hand can feel very lonely and unseen by him. 🙏🏽
Thank you!! This really helped me understand why my boyfriend gets frustrated when I try to problem solve for him. I love him so much, and videos like this help me get a glimpse into the way he sees things.
Thank you for making this video. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, going on 7 years. I had to work through everything you described alone, and painfully. But watching this video helps me to cope with our everyday challenges and look forward to marriage someday. ❤
I am an autistic in a relationship with a neurotypical and I have a tendency to ramble on a bit when talking about something I am really passionate about, and so the conversation becomes one sided as I am talking at him rather than to him. How can I get around this? I feel bad about doing such things, and he is worried about upsetting me by telling me I am doing as such
My boyfriend does the same thing. I just let him talk. Would you feel embarrassed if your mate was to let you know you are rambling on? I would like to know. Give me some advice on how to get him to stop rambling.
Maybe ask him about it, and see how he feels about it? Sorry if I’m not very helpful. I’m not autistic, but my girlfriend is. I just let her talk as much as she wants, I don’t mind all that much! I understand that she can’t really control it. Your boyfriend seems like a good person, I’m sure he’d understand!
Lol. I have never been able to not do this, I get really excited that someone is listening to me about my thing and I make them regret it. I get so excited I bounce in my seat as I talk at them. One thing that seems to help make it more bearable for the other person is adding some humor or storytelling type speaking, at least it seems.
I think it’s OK for you to try to make the conversation 50-50 and I think it’s OK for him to be loving to you by listening to your monologues. I just think both people trying and loving is best.
Have an open dialogue about it! My gf is autistic and I personally LOVE to let her go on and on, she's so happy and excitable about some things and I enjoy that so much that even if I couldn't care any less about the subject, I suddenly care, because of how much she does. I've learned a lot about chickens these past few years
My wife is autistic and we only both realized it just recently. Both of us are 67 and have been together for 22 years. This video was very very valuable to me. We face many of the exact same problems you and your husband have faced. Thank you so much for this information.
I can not help having melt down and be irritable in dynamic situations etc. but it would be selfish for me to accept that neurotipical people need to adjust to me, just because I am autistic. NO. I am responsible for my behaviour and my words! Naturally, in a relationship I would expect to be able to inform my significant other that I have a melt down or that this or that situation bother me, because they can not demand that I do things impossible for me. Yet, expressing any anger, nagging or hurting someone can not be excused in any way.
Married couples need to adjust to each other whether they are on the spectrum or not. If a spouse needs space to cool off, the other spouse needs to respect that.
Sarah Vaughn-Rohrbough yes, but we also have to be realistic about who is a good match for us. Some people can handle taking space, others need communication/resolution sooner than later. The man I’m with now is very direct and likes to solve problems immediately, this works great for me. I used to be with a man who always had to walk away and take space (often for hours) and it just wasted way too much time I didn’t have. So much less stress in my new relationship when it comes to conflict resolution.
Thank you for your honesty Purple Ella. I have been married to my awesome wife for 9 years and we are just learning about my Autism which has obviously made such a difference to our life, for the better and your videos have made it so much easier to learn. so thank you.
Ella, thank you so much for this!!! I've been with my husband for 6 years and gosh this sounds just like me and hubby. He also has the "let me fix it" syndrome and it drives me nuts, as I don't understand that that means he cares. Also thinking he's mad, when it's just his resting face. I've started asking him if he is mad, because in the past I just assumed that he was and then felt bad. My husband isn't really into researching or reading. So I've tried to sum up my struggles, as I discover them, but oftentimes I feel like it falls on deaf ears. Yesterday was such a struggle and I felt so alone. I've been assessed, rather hastily in my opinion, and told its borderline personality disorder. That yes I present some autistic traits, but not enough for diagnosis or help. I filed a complaint wanting to be reassessed. Got news yesterday. File is closed. The assessment was adequate and well done, etc. So my only option is going in the private area, which we cannot afford. It's so difficult. I feel like I'm just insane. Hearing your struggles sound so much like mine. So I don't understand why I don't present "enough."
they diagnosed me as bipolar and changed it to borderline with dissociation issues and have long been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd . i now know that it was autism all along , in fact both my parents are aspies and i never even knew ! i am 100% sure i am one too . what u described is literally exactly my own situation with my boyfriend whom i live with and it gets extremely depressing sometimes
Who did your diagnosis (@veganmom)? They sound like idiots. Was it a state run thing like VR? They are totally useless for diagnosing ASD in most states. You need to go to someone who really gets ASD. This "some traits" is BS and then they stick you with a diagnosis of BPD? They're likely just not informed enough to pick up on your other traits because females present much differently from males. I know you said you can't afford it, but I really hope you can get a proper diagnosis somewhere somehow. 😔🙏
@@ht7cs I did get assessed privately, cost a fortune and was still denied a proper diagnosis; they felt like I had enough diagnosis (anxiety, depression, BPD) to explain my state...they conceded that perhaps I had a neurodevelopmental disorder as a child and suggested I self-screen for ADHD, which is a joke, since not only do I not qualify for ADHD, but self-screening is what led me to ASD - I scored higher than males - and yet they dismissed those screening tools, but would give credence to the ADHD ones...was very dissappointed and upset...felt very invalidating and like a HUGE waste of time, money and emotional resources.
Hey there, a common trait of BPD is seeing negativity in ambiguous situations. You may be suffering from bpd or its traits, and recommend DBT- dialectical behavioral therapy. If you do not have insurance it can be tough and even with insurance can get expensive. With understanding and a desire to grow you will get through this! Keep your head up and make sure you have a strong support system.
As someone diagnosed with autism from the age of 4 I completely agree. I’m lucky that my current girlfriend has finally understood why I feel the way I do. I felt being patient with me was the best thing she possibly could possibly do and never shout at me if I’m doing something wrong and instead tell me calmly where I’m going wrong in order to make our relationship better. Only other thing that’s hard for me is I can never tell if she’s joking about things and it sometimes leads to me going into overload and being upset about things
Any tips for someone who is with someone with ASD who gets upset when you tell them what they did wrong because they think you feeling the way you do doesn’t make sense and think you’re just being silly?
@@cheesethekoala8756 depends on the individual and what works best for them but explaining in a calm manner and ensuring your partner has nothing to worry about is a good start but also understanding both points of view. Patience is key
Tell her that! Tell her that not being able to understand when she is joking or not has a negative impact on you and kindly ask her to have a more clear direct communication. I know my boyfriend doesn't understand sarcasm so I would never use it with him (or with anyone, sarcasm is hurtful)
I have always struggled with weekends too for the same reason! Its something I still struge with now, but I like the idea of planning my weekends on a Friday evening. Thanks Ella!
My wife and I have been together 22 years and we’re both 67. She is undiagnosed autistic and I am Undiagnosed dyslexic/ADHD. Her meltdowns have been a very difficult issue for us both for many years. We have slowly gotten better and I made many many mistakes in our efforts. Now that we know more about how our brains work and communicate, the meltdowns are much smaller and way less frequent. Your description of how they work in your marriage is very representative of how they work in ours. Thank you for sharing this it helps me to know how to improve my part and responsibility in our efforts to lessen and prevent meltdowns.
@@Dedicated_.1 Our children are mostly undiagnosed but the grandchildren are almost all diagnosed either ADHD Dyslexia or Autistic. That is how we found out. We both have studied to understand and our relationship has slowly at first but now picking up pace is getting much much better. We cherish each other like never before. Knowledge provided buy RUclips ADHD Dyslexic and Autistic advocates has changed our lives.
Before I watched this video I thought I was REALLY GOOD at reading facial cues and body language for an autistic person...i also read neutral as angry. And sad as angry. I only know the obvious one
A funny thing in our relationship: after reading more about autistic traits to better understand my partner I had to realize, that I am very probably autistic too, although in a milder form (kind of mixed Aspie/ NT). Luckily we‘re quite different and complement each other very well, that might be the reason why it worked for over 30 years now. So the question came up for me how often there are relationships between autistic persons and how often the relationships are mixed? And thanks to you girls and women sharing your experiences I was able to see, that we differ from the typical form of autism presented in boys and men and that opened me up for seeing e.g. my masking and compensation methods. ❤️🙏🏻
i often feel like i am a mild autism too. but i also have post traumatic stress so im not sure if its that or maybe that i have trauma and mild autism as well
@@peanutbuttertoast7742 Yeah, you're right, there isn't something like "mild autism", however its good to know that autism has a lot in common with a number of different syndromes and also disorders, e.g. ADD/ADHD typically shares high level of stress and anxiety with autism, Borderline personality shares emotional difficulties and inadequate expression od emotions with autism and highly sensitive people are as sensitive to noise, smells, sensory input as autistic people. We unintentionally choose partners with similar issues, so the best thing for an autistic person's partner is going to therapy and diagnose themselves. Peace to all of you guys struggling out there ❤️
When my SO & I started dating we realized the core communication issues we came across were 1, he was thinking globally, I was thinking individually, I don't have the knowledge to meet him half way. 2, I think in terms of I'm at a, want to go to d. So, c before d, b before c, a before b, so a->d. He thinks in terms of, a->b, b->c, c->d, so a,b,c,d. Both have their place and work at different times. 3, being able to communicate if we want solutions or emotional support or just listening. Learning these things have helped us a lot!
Girl I love you already and thank you so much for the good laugh. I wasn’t laughing at you I was laughing with you because your personality reminds me so much of my wonderful Autistic boyfriend of almost two years. He so watching this with me.
How about doing a video from NT's perspective toward ND? It's very rare to find such a topic on RUclips. Many struggling ND's want to learn how to care more for their spouse and marriage, but don't have the tools and few are helping them find them. No one side should have to do all the adapting, but that's seems to be the automatic go-to advice from most ASD counselors.
I can sympathize with you. By definition, as far as I've experienced, that's not possible for autistics to do. Just look at what she said when her husband explained what he's trying to do when he was helping her fix her problems. Without even having hear his own words, I can put myself in his shoes. It's kinda like his wife comes to him with a flat tire. He fixes it for her. He feels good about helping her with this problem. He feels sad when she stops his help and wants to drive with said flat tire. Her response: she can't read it and can't even imagine what someone else is thinking, feeling or that someone else than her have a legitimate perspective. It's all about themselves. Even the word Autistic comes from the greek word auto, meaning self. This is more intense when the ASD is in a stressful situation, like an argument. It's all black and white. "I am logical and factual and right, and you're just incorrect about the facts." It's almost like having an argument with a teenager, because it's at that time that NT's develop the executive function of putting themselves in other people's shoes automatically, even in tense and heated situations. Most grown up NTs, especially after 28, can do this without thinking, but ASDs can't. Their brains are wired differently. Accept reality, and make a decision about what you can deal with. Your best bet to answer your question would be Mark Hutton, but even him isn't trying to advocate for the NT, he's advocating for the neurodiverse relationship. He said that where the NT should look for a plan B is when the ASD refuses to look for/at solutions to relationship problems. Best of luck to you.
Yes, the first point I can really relate to. I am a man though and, it is not only my partner, but also several other female friends that always want to solve problems which makes me feel like they judge me. Thanks for the input! I think my partner misunderstands me and I her. When I, for instance, complain about not having eaten enough, she reacts by saying that that is not her responsibility! Sometimes I wonder why she wants me as a partner if she deep in her heart thinks I am an asshole. Meltdowns and shutdowns are also difficult, because she gets angry and if it is something I really can't tolerate it is open anger directly towards another person. You know, sometimes I live in my own world and am not fully aware about my own behavior - I guess a lot of people with Asperger can relate to that - you get overloaded and shut out part of the surroundings and are not fully aware of what is going let alone with how you behave yourself. Also, she thinks that I let my meltdowns and dark feelings ruin our time together. Well, as anyone with these problems know, you cannot just shut down your dark mode when you are with someone else just to try to be nice. It doesn't work like that!
In relation to your last paragraph, that's understandable, but would you want to be like this the remainder of your life? Spoiling relationships due to your melt downs and shut downs? Although you state it cannot be helped, have you tried any helpful forms of therapy such as CBT? If not, you possibly could really benefit from it. Don't ever feel like you always have to absolutely stay this way.
That's so interesting! I had the same problem with one of my closest friends. She would automatically go to problem solving mode when I only needed her to listen.
My husband says "sure" all the time. I ask "do you mean yes or no? Are you saying sure because you are going along with me, but don't want to and will feel resentment over it"? "What do you mean by sure"? For him sure means "yes, but I don't really care either way". How would I know that? I need a yes or a no to work with. He has figured out to not hug me during a melt down, but to hug me afterwards.
I just found your channel and must say the insights a beautiful. Both, my girlfriend and I, are neuroatypic and we have the exact same problems you mention in this video. You are nailing it for me. Thank you
@Syd Barger I said I am neuroAtypic, I have missed the A in between neuro and -typic many times also and have started using neurodivergent instead. I have ADHD and suspect I have ASD too. Appointment for diagnosis is in October, one does wait pretty long for diagnosis appointments where I live, I made the phonecall in January. But cannot say for certain until then.
Often I feel like I can’t do the right thing no matter what I do in an argument because I just want to be logical and solve what is causing the argument but my partner says that she often just wants to lash out. I don’t know how to tell which things are the truth and which ones are her lashing out so I get confused, frustrated, scared and hurt. Then I end up melting down and that makes her more angry. I also struggle a lot with people reading things into my words and actions, like if I’m frustrated they will think I’m angry or being aggressive and if I walk away because I don’t want to make things worse then they think I stormed out in anger. I also get scared in arguments or any time I feel near meltdown or know it might end up that way because when I was a kid I got physically or emotionally abusive things done to me when I lost control or had a meltdown
Love this. Have this problem with communication in general with loved ones, people who have ASD and me thinking I possibly have traits too!!!! Not in a relationship atm but I always have found relationships difficult
As a very newly diagnosed person, who has had extremely similar issues to you grouping up (eating difficulties etc) my perinatal psychologist who also actually diagnosed and recognised their was a difficulty. Thank you for this video. Will you do more videos related to this subject? I found point number 5 very relatable as well as the others
Hi Purple Ella, great suggestions especially of doing a “your reality experience inventory”. I had often thought of doing so, but this prompts me to *actually* do more than theorise. I’ve ADHD, my partner ADHD/ASD and a healthy whack of some coercion avoidant defiance disorder. (Uber-you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do-and-not-even-I-can). The light touch shivers is a source of intimacy kill. I do massage but pressing firmly when wanting to be tender is not easy for me. Our biggest issues are her not joining implied dots and my projecting when she answers an implied question with a shrug or “I don’t know how to respond to that”. eg I mentioned a pergola we wanted was on special again but only for 4 days. We had talked about it months ago and I’d done some CAD models for her to pick a style, when she had some time free. She hadn’t come back to me in months so I was starting to feel like she was too busy to bother. When I pointed to the new opportunity to get it and got a sidelining answer, I didn’t have anywhere to go with it.
Thank you for imperesive and understanding explanation of interesting parts from your partnership in your intimate life. And thank you for sharing your story with us and that you have been so brave to make this video. Best wishes, Ursulla
My best friend (almost partner now) has PDD-NOS which is basically some autistic traits but not autistic by definition so he only has a handful of autistic traits not all but those traits are pretty severe sometimes and make it challenging between us at times so I'm trying to navigate through this and discover new ways to achieve balance and understanding in our relationship so videos like this are super helpful
How can you differentiate between a girl/woman who is using you and one that has autism? Having a hard time understanding if my relationship is one sided because of that. It's always me who asks for meetups and if she can't meet, she writes "no sorry, but probably sometime else." instead of saying a reason or when she is free (happened once). This is just an example and I understand that everyone is slightly different.
It sounds like she is trying to politely decline your requests for a date and also avoid an awkward conversation as to why she may not wish to date you.
@@camellia8625 No, she was actually using me. I had been together with her for 3 months when i wrote that comment. Women like you will always be the same... if a man and a woman have a conflict of interest you instantly assume the woman is denying a guy or the guy is the problem, but the woman is always an angel. She in fact always wanted to eat a carrot really hard. I am ace though.
When I see people with ASD on RUclips and comments who are in relationships, it s sometimes like hitting a wall. How did you all do? I was diagnosed asperger at 39,i have 53 and I don't have a clue how it could be possible to be in a relationship. It's so scary overwhelming and difficult. I feel like a baby who should walk but doesn't know how to do that. Thank you Purple Ella, you gave those good tips, I'm sure it might help me, I feel more confident.
Thank you for the video, my long term boyfriend has autism and we sometimes find it difficult to understand each other. I am also not neurotypical so using clear language and having a lot of patience really helps!
I have been in a relationship with an autistic woman for nearly 5 months, and it has not been easy. And a big part of the issue I repeatedly experience (of feeling like she's self-absorbed and like she isn't particularly interested in my life or supportive of my passions, which in turn makes me feel really lonely and unseen) has had me wondering if I'm even a good person or if my needs are rational. She's a good person, and she is generally a kind and loving individual, but it just seems like 95% of our conversations are about her and her conditions and daily life and experiences, and when I express mine, they are met with immediate problem solving or what often feels like disingenuous, brief replies. Not actual empathy. Like, I might be wrong, but this is how it feels....and I don't know how to talk to her about it without hurting her. I love her and I see the greatness in her, and I really want to feel like I have what it takes to help make our relationship work, but it feels like it all depends on me meeting HER needs, whereas mine seem to have less importance in the relationship. I completely understand the social cues thing, the difficulties people on the spectrum have in expressing their emotions, or responding to the emotional states of their partners....but it doesn't make me feel less alone and overlooked and misunderstood. I'm not sure how to broach this subject without risking hurting her.
I'm very glad to be finding videos like this lately. I'm verified to be on the spectrum and my girlfriend and I both suspect that she's on it too. We're just similar enough to be able to relate to each other on a personal level but also different enough that there's still a whole lot to learn. I personally don't have any problems with sensory things such as sound or touch, human touch in particular I actually enjoy a lot. My girlfriend however can become very overwhelmed by certain forms of touch and is very sensitive to sounds or smells or any number of sensory things. This makes things a bit difficult for me because I very much want to hug and cuddle and stuff like that, I'm a big ol' teddy bear. For her it's very situational but not 100% off the table, it all depends on her mood. I understand and respect this. It can make me feel undesirable sometimes but I know that that's just my brain overthinking things because I can tell when she goes out of her way to compromise by holding my hand which she seems to have very little problem with and it''s a simple yet effective way of letting me know she loves me. Just the fact that she does understand that it is challenging for me sometimes is enough to make me feel a thousand times better.
Thank you Miss Purple. I'm struggling to get married because i'm autistic. I even find loads of women interested because I'm attarctive, but sadly it endures just a few days. Thank you.
I’d been thinking that my partner might have ASD because of his sensory issues and need for structure, but your meltdowns sound literally like my own anger outbursts. He often tries to problem solve and overwhelms me. Thank you for publishing this, I have some questions for my therapist now
I'm having issues with my autistic gf and Ive realised I've kinda over looked the fact she autistic and has trouble understanding some things. I really appreciate this video and I'm going to try to be more understanding with my gf now. thank u.
I love this video so much! Specially the intimacy topic, but I thought you would talk about what is that you like on that topic after telling what you don´t like (I´m not in a relationship with an autistic person, but lately I believe I´m an autistic person) Thank you so much for sharing your life experience in this channel
Thank you for this video- my husband and I are not sure on diagnosis but many of these points are quite useful for us, and I appreciate the tip about stating feelings with clear language very much!
This is a fantastic video. It is clear, open, honest and meaningful. Relative to my research and personal experiences, the advice given here is ...... well, GREAT.
I think I have a good chance of being in a relationship with a really lovely woman I met. I’m really trying to learn about autism because I like her a lot. Just wanted to say thanks for making this video to educate people. Already I can see that my interpretation of a few things re communication between us both, things I’ve been worried about, might not be issues to worry about at all. I’m just at the beginning of learning but even the few things I have picked up are really reassuring. 😊. Thanks again.
Good upload. Thanks for doing so. I'm guessing the narrator is English or lives in the UK, based on this person's accent - I'm Canadian and live in Toronto, but I'm sure a lot of what this person is saying could apply in other countries & cultures.
I'm an autistic guy and I was in a relationship with a NT woman for 4 years. We had to break up because we didn't know how to communicate effectively and she couldn't stand my repetitive interests and inability to understand change in routines.. I hope you can do a video about how you communicate with Mr. Purple so we can learn better ways to communicate with our mates. Thanks.
I really enjoyed your video. We learned I was autistic about 3 years ago now and since then things have improved. I do have a question however. Your brief description of your meltdown sounds much like what happens to me. How did you manage to get Mr. Purple to understand that he had to ignore you rather than take the whole thing personally? She understands to some degree but doesn't totally and it's one of those things you really can't control unless you manage to see it happening and get out of the situation fast.
Thank you for sharing. I’m a NT spouse struggling to successfully support my ND spouse who we’ve recently understood to be Autistic. While it has helped explain misunderstood moments in our past, I don’t know where to get help in understanding and learning how to support going forward. Do you have any recommendations on books or podcasts that might support me in these efforts to better support her?
Right, Ella, brilliant! Don't know whether my issue with loving a man on the spectrum will be relevant here but I'll share it just in case. He is ASD PDA variety. Me ADHD. And so any suggestion I might make to get anywhere near him he says No Thanks. And I've made quite a few of them. He just gets overwhelmed by my demand. So I space my demands to give him time to recover. Maybe several weeks down the line I again suggest doing something together? No Way, Thanks. We've been this way for more than a year. I just meet him professionally, and not very often. I'm deeply in love with him and it is a relationship entailing frustration after frustration after frustration. It's on the verge of a non-relationship but my feelings always rebound and I find hope again. Somehow. I've noticed we are advancing in our mutual trust at the speed of a snail on dry grit. I still feel he's well worth all the agony. I am 60 so I can relax and wait for him to finally accept love. It's too much for him, at present. But we've come a long way. At first he would get really anxious and guilty and shamed if I approached him lovingly. Now he shutsdown but he is really pleased. We'll make it! Thanks for your really good tips. Yana.
Sounds very similar to my marriage. Having autism can be challenging but making plans help me greatly and communicating with him instead of assuming he knows.
I dated someone with autism and adhd, ocd, anxiety and depression. Mommy,daddy,daughter issues. It was nothing but weirdness and a natural horror. I never experienced anything like this in my life. She just made up of stories and just horrible communication. And she was a therapist.. I was blamed for most problems. Not realizing how many problems she already has and blame me for them. I will never do it again!
Thank you very much for sharing this. I have Asperger and ADHD. It felt like you spoke about me like 100%. It's crazy. I often ask my boyfriend if he is upset/angry. He has a very blank face and does not express himself very much. I'm very black and white. I don't understand normal feelings and I'm very sensetive about others tone of voice. I also need very much loving and caring words. My bf is also a problemsolver and he has been trying to help me when I had meltdown by telling me relaxed stuff. It does not work that way for me. I can't do mindfullness in a "meltdown" situation. I prefer harder touching and more of an extremely language. I have been crying because I want a schedule and a future plan. My bf is very caring and no judging. I love him deeply. We don't fight often but I can be very sensetive when my hormones change and when small things in my life change. Change and worryness is 2 of my biggest problems. If you have more relationships tips that work for you please tell me. My boyfriend is my man of my life and I want our relation to be as good as possible. I'm also very thank full for hearing a female in a relationship, it's hard to find how female with AS can act in a relationship. I only find fact about AS men in a relationship and I'm not like that when it comes to relations. I show a lot of feelings, I love christmas and gifts, I love to speak deeply about life and feelings but I can be very ruff in some of my opinons and think more logical like a man when it comes to crimes and so on. I feel like a female but my personaly is not that girly like a "typical" girl. 🖤
How about some tips when you are in a relationship That help with meltdowns. Specific tricks like for instance, I used to have a SafeWord and so did my partner but I found it very difficult to utilize when I was becoming overwhelmed and in the moment.
I have someone in my life who i strongly suspect as autistic, i am also autistic. She texts me every day to tell me about her day but never asks about mine. I don't know if I'm meant to just tell her about my day or assume she's not interested 🤔
Im in a relationship with an autistic guy and we struggle with communicating and what makes this so difficult for me is because my preferred way to communicate is by writing - which is his least favorite. Maybe some advice on how we can get past this? We've both had very serious betrayals in our lives and we do not trust easily. :(
Maybe you could both just try small bits if each other's preference AND compliment each other on doing so, or just say that you appreciate their effort...?
Hi, when u first met ur husband how did u cope with having to entertain him, when he would come over as I am really struggling with it & I do the same when friends come over, it’s making me feel low in mood & I don’t want him here even tho I do x
I'm not clinically diagnosed but I do struggle with a lot of things typical of autism and many of my family members have pointed out that they think I'm autistic. My husband doesn't know anything about it even when I try to explain myself why I have irritable outbursts and meltdowns on occasion when I'm feeling overwhelmed by everyday life and that I need a quiet room to myself to help calm my nerves. He does pick up when I'm about to have a meltdown and has figured out how to calm me down with some cuddles which really helps pull me out of it. I'm wondering if seeing a psychiatrist and getting an assessment for autism would help him understand it a little better since I struggle with verbal communication.
I see your video a year after posting. I have a relation with a partner presumably with aspergers. We try and struggle and want it to work😊. For me it's difficult that saying I love you or expres those kind of feelings is almost impossible. Do you know why this can be so difficult?
These problems during meltdowns are almost exactly like what we encounter. My partner is diagnosed with aspergers, so I am in the role of your husband here.
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“Use clear language.” 👏 👏 👏
I'm not autistic, but even I get annoyed with all of this sexual politics stuff and mind games and saying one thing to mean another. Mate, just tell me what you feel. Do you like me or not? Because I don't have time for this crap. I blame Cosmo and rom-coms.
After 1000 times I realized it's actually NOT all good and you're not fine 😅
Being in a relationship with my autistic boyfriend is a huge win for me. He is so pure and bubbly. He laughs hard and smiles extra wide. He is easily the most exciting person ive ever met.
Lol now state all the negatives..... there is more negative then positives about being with an autistic person.
@@Calipicker the fact that we have broken up 7 times. Still love him with all my heart no matter what.
@@Calipicker I’m not saying there aren’t negatives, we pick and choose in our lives what we want to focus on. Focusing on the negative does nothing. Change your perspective on any situation and it can be way worse or way better.
@@Calipicker bigot :D
@@Calipicker that’s just ignorant
Lesson learned - Meltdown, walk away and follow up with hug and reassurance. Thank you.
“Mr Purple used to do light touches... And it completely killed the mood for me.” I started laughing out loud bc it makes total sense
I agree with all you have said! One thing that has helped me is remembering that just because my husband is NT does not mean he is invincible and he can feel hurt and stressed too.
Omg being an NT is super hard too. We are extremely dependent on our relationships and the people around us; whereas ASD people seem to be less so.
Oh yes ...
It's EXTREMELY STRESSFUL AND DIFFICULT ...bring in a relationship with someone with ASD ...believe me !!!!
We feel EVERYTHING .
@ziggypip2938 Ik this is old (very old haha) but as an NT I disagree w this. I see some, not all NDs as more dependent on their relationships than the average NT bc they have inferiority complexes and abandonment issues, it's just that the way they express it isn't as obvious
you think? I dont think so.
@@sophiavarona1616 Important to note that neurotypical people can have inferiority complexes and abandonment issues as well. It's a person to person thing, it's not limited to autistic people. Also, I think both of the neurotypical people I dated had inferiority complexes, and instead of making them more clingy/dependent it made them way more insulting and manipulative
This woman is so lovely - her husband is a fortunate man to be with her.
@brodino_maiuscolo Yes indeed.
@brodino_maiuscolo (rip) Wanted to say the same.
Yeah especially since he's stuck through all the meltdowns and things even before the diagnosis, he's a special guy.
Is he
@@Al-ms6me Is he what
I’ve been with my autistic partner over 30 years now. Only in the last couple of years he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster of emotions from high to low over many years . Now that I have the knowledge that I want to deep,y accept him and find out as much as possible about Aspergers. As we rebuild our partnership with this new knowledge I struggle with not feeling valued or acknowledged . He is in his early 60s and is very focused on his work. It does not come naturally to him to put me first. His special interests are finding connection with others. I on the other hand can feel very lonely and unseen by him. 🙏🏽
Oh wow… So helping! Tks a lot I will treasure this video, hoping one day we will be able to implement them! Life changing for me, a revelation!
Thank you!! This really helped me understand why my boyfriend gets frustrated when I try to problem solve for him. I love him so much, and videos like this help me get a glimpse into the way he sees things.
Thank you for making this video. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, going on 7 years. I had to work through everything you described alone, and painfully. But watching this video helps me to cope with our everyday challenges and look forward to marriage someday. ❤
Me as well
I am an autistic in a relationship with a neurotypical and I have a tendency to ramble on a bit when talking about something I am really passionate about, and so the conversation becomes one sided as I am talking at him rather than to him. How can I get around this? I feel bad about doing such things, and he is worried about upsetting me by telling me I am doing as such
My boyfriend does the same thing. I just let him talk. Would you feel embarrassed if your mate was to let you know you are rambling on? I would like to know. Give me some advice on how to get him to stop rambling.
Maybe ask him about it, and see how he feels about it? Sorry if I’m not very helpful. I’m not autistic, but my girlfriend is. I just let her talk as much as she wants, I don’t mind all that much! I understand that she can’t really control it. Your boyfriend seems like a good person, I’m sure he’d understand!
Lol. I have never been able to not do this, I get really excited that someone is listening to me about my thing and I make them regret it. I get so excited I bounce in my seat as I talk at them. One thing that seems to help make it more bearable for the other person is adding some humor or storytelling type speaking, at least it seems.
I think it’s OK for you to try to make the conversation 50-50 and I think it’s OK for him to be loving to you by listening to your monologues. I just think both people trying and loving is best.
Have an open dialogue about it! My gf is autistic and I personally LOVE to let her go on and on, she's so happy and excitable about some things and I enjoy that so much that even if I couldn't care any less about the subject, I suddenly care, because of how much she does. I've learned a lot about chickens these past few years
My wife is autistic and we only both realized it just recently. Both of us are 67 and have been together for 22 years. This video was very very valuable to me. We face many of the exact same problems you and your husband have faced. Thank you so much for this information.
I can not help having melt down and be irritable in dynamic situations etc. but it would be selfish for me to accept that neurotipical people need to adjust to me, just because I am autistic. NO. I am responsible for my behaviour and my words! Naturally, in a relationship I would expect to be able to inform my significant other that I have a melt down or that this or that situation bother me, because they can not demand that I do things impossible for me. Yet, expressing any anger, nagging or hurting someone can not be excused in any way.
Married couples need to adjust to each other whether they are on the spectrum or not. If a spouse needs space to cool off, the other spouse needs to respect that.
@@ht7cs Indeed.
Sarah Vaughn-Rohrbough yes, but we also have to be realistic about who is a good match for us. Some people can handle taking space, others need communication/resolution sooner than later. The man I’m with now is very direct and likes to solve problems immediately, this works great for me. I used to be with a man who always had to walk away and take space (often for hours) and it just wasted way too much time I didn’t have. So much less stress in my new relationship when it comes to conflict resolution.
So are you responsible for your words and actions or are you not? You defend yourself both ways if you noticed.
@@see4182 I am responsible for my actions, but can not be blamed for what lay beyond my abilities. I think it is self evident?
Thank you for your honesty Purple Ella. I have been married to my awesome wife for 9 years and we are just learning about my Autism which has obviously made such a difference to our life, for the better and your videos have made it so much easier to learn. so thank you.
I feel like this should be the norm for all relationships.
This is literally the most helpful video I’ve ever seen! You might’ve just saved my marriage. THANK YOU!
Ella, thank you so much for this!!! I've been with my husband for 6 years and gosh this sounds just like me and hubby. He also has the "let me fix it" syndrome and it drives me nuts, as I don't understand that that means he cares. Also thinking he's mad, when it's just his resting face. I've started asking him if he is mad, because in the past I just assumed that he was and then felt bad. My husband isn't really into researching or reading. So I've tried to sum up my struggles, as I discover them, but oftentimes I feel like it falls on deaf ears. Yesterday was such a struggle and I felt so alone. I've been assessed, rather hastily in my opinion, and told its borderline personality disorder. That yes I present some autistic traits, but not enough for diagnosis or help. I filed a complaint wanting to be reassessed. Got news yesterday. File is closed. The assessment was adequate and well done, etc. So my only option is going in the private area, which we cannot afford. It's so difficult. I feel like I'm just insane. Hearing your struggles sound so much like mine. So I don't understand why I don't present "enough."
they diagnosed me as bipolar and changed it to borderline with dissociation issues and have long been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd . i now know that it was autism all along , in fact both my parents are aspies and i never even knew ! i am 100% sure i am one too . what u described is literally exactly my own situation with my boyfriend whom i live with and it gets extremely depressing sometimes
Who did your diagnosis (@veganmom)? They sound like idiots. Was it a state run thing like VR? They are totally useless for diagnosing ASD in most states. You need to go to someone who really gets ASD. This "some traits" is BS and then they stick you with a diagnosis of BPD? They're likely just not informed enough to pick up on your other traits because females present much differently from males. I know you said you can't afford it, but I really hope you can get a proper diagnosis somewhere somehow. 😔🙏
@@ht7cs I did get assessed privately, cost a fortune and was still denied a proper diagnosis; they felt like I had enough diagnosis (anxiety, depression, BPD) to explain my state...they conceded that perhaps I had a neurodevelopmental disorder as a child and suggested I self-screen for ADHD, which is a joke, since not only do I not qualify for ADHD, but self-screening is what led me to ASD - I scored higher than males - and yet they dismissed those screening tools, but would give credence to the ADHD ones...was very dissappointed and upset...felt very invalidating and like a HUGE waste of time, money and emotional resources.
Hey there, a common trait of BPD is seeing negativity in ambiguous situations. You may be suffering from bpd or its traits, and recommend DBT- dialectical behavioral therapy. If you do not have insurance it can be tough and even with insurance can get expensive. With understanding and a desire to grow you will get through this! Keep your head up and make sure you have a strong support system.
As someone diagnosed with autism from the age of 4 I completely agree. I’m lucky that my current girlfriend has finally understood why I feel the way I do. I felt being patient with me was the best thing she possibly could possibly do and never shout at me if I’m doing something wrong and instead tell me calmly where I’m going wrong in order to make our relationship better. Only other thing that’s hard for me is I can never tell if she’s joking about things and it sometimes leads to me going into overload and being upset about things
Any tips for someone who is with someone with ASD who gets upset when you tell them what they did wrong because they think you feeling the way you do doesn’t make sense and think you’re just being silly?
@@cheesethekoala8756 depends on the individual and what works best for them but explaining in a calm manner and ensuring your partner has nothing to worry about is a good start but also understanding both points of view. Patience is key
Tell her that! Tell her that not being able to understand when she is joking or not has a negative impact on you and kindly ask her to have a more clear direct communication. I know my boyfriend doesn't understand sarcasm so I would never use it with him (or with anyone, sarcasm is hurtful)
Ella, PLEASE do a video on the pros and cons for someone on the spectrum of dating/marrying someone ON the spectrum and OFF the spectrum.
You have a real gift for explaining things. Thank you!
I have always struggled with weekends too for the same reason! Its something I still struge with now, but I like the idea of planning my weekends on a Friday evening. Thanks Ella!
My wife and I have been together 22 years and we’re both 67. She is undiagnosed autistic and I am Undiagnosed dyslexic/ADHD. Her meltdowns have been a very difficult issue for us both for many years. We have slowly gotten better and I made many many mistakes in our efforts. Now that we know more about how our brains work and communicate, the meltdowns are much smaller and way less frequent. Your description of how they work in your marriage is very representative of how they work in ours. Thank you for sharing this it helps me to know how to improve my part and responsibility in our efforts to lessen and prevent meltdowns.
How did you manage? Are your children autistic/dyslexic?
@@Dedicated_.1 Our children are mostly undiagnosed but the grandchildren are almost all diagnosed either ADHD Dyslexia or Autistic. That is how we found out. We both have studied to understand and our relationship has slowly at first but now picking up pace is getting much much better. We cherish each other like never before. Knowledge provided buy RUclips ADHD Dyslexic and Autistic advocates has changed our lives.
Before I watched this video I thought I was REALLY GOOD at reading facial cues and body language for an autistic person...i also read neutral as angry. And sad as angry. I only know the obvious one
Thanks!
Thank you this has helped me so much with understanding someone i deeply care about thank you
Thank you for this video. I love my autistic partner and I want to support him to the best of my ability.
A funny thing in our relationship: after reading more about autistic traits to better understand my partner I had to realize, that I am very probably autistic too, although in a milder form (kind of mixed Aspie/ NT). Luckily we‘re quite different and complement each other very well, that might be the reason why it worked for over 30 years now.
So the question came up for me how often there are relationships between autistic persons and how often the relationships are mixed?
And thanks to you girls and women sharing your experiences I was able to see, that we differ from the typical form of autism presented in boys and men and that opened me up for seeing e.g. my masking and compensation methods. ❤️🙏🏻
i often feel like i am a mild autism too. but i also have post traumatic stress so im not sure if its that or maybe that i have trauma and mild autism as well
There is no form of 'mild autism'. Autism is just autism. It's a spectrum, and all autism is different for different people. ^^
@@peanutbuttertoast7742 Yeah, you're right, there isn't something like "mild autism", however its good to know that autism has a lot in common with a number of different syndromes and also disorders, e.g. ADD/ADHD typically shares high level of stress and anxiety with autism, Borderline personality shares emotional difficulties and inadequate expression od emotions with autism and highly sensitive people are as sensitive to noise, smells, sensory input as autistic people. We unintentionally choose partners with similar issues, so the best thing for an autistic person's partner is going to therapy and diagnose themselves. Peace to all of you guys struggling out there ❤️
One of the most helpful videos I've ever watched. Great advice for clear communication. Thank you for sharing.
When my SO & I started dating we realized the core communication issues we came across were
1, he was thinking globally, I was thinking individually, I don't have the knowledge to meet him half way.
2, I think in terms of I'm at a, want to go to d. So, c before d, b before c, a before b, so a->d.
He thinks in terms of, a->b, b->c, c->d, so a,b,c,d. Both have their place and work at different times.
3, being able to communicate if we want solutions or emotional support or just listening.
Learning these things have helped us a lot!
You are such a delight. Thank you so much for the tips!
Girl I love you already and thank you so much for the good laugh. I wasn’t laughing at you I was laughing with you because your personality reminds me so much of my wonderful Autistic boyfriend of almost two years. He so watching this with me.
How about doing a video from NT's perspective toward ND? It's very rare to find such a topic on RUclips. Many struggling ND's want to learn how to care more for their spouse and marriage, but don't have the tools and few are helping them find them. No one side should have to do all the adapting, but that's seems to be the automatic go-to advice from most ASD counselors.
I can sympathize with you. By definition, as far as I've experienced, that's not possible for autistics to do. Just look at what she said when her husband explained what he's trying to do when he was helping her fix her problems. Without even having hear his own words, I can put myself in his shoes. It's kinda like his wife comes to him with a flat tire. He fixes it for her. He feels good about helping her with this problem. He feels sad when she stops his help and wants to drive with said flat tire.
Her response: she can't read it and can't even imagine what someone else is thinking, feeling or that someone else than her have a legitimate perspective. It's all about themselves. Even the word Autistic comes from the greek word auto, meaning self. This is more intense when the ASD is in a stressful situation, like an argument. It's all black and white. "I am logical and factual and right, and you're just incorrect about the facts." It's almost like having an argument with a teenager, because it's at that time that NT's develop the executive function of putting themselves in other people's shoes automatically, even in tense and heated situations. Most grown up NTs, especially after 28, can do this without thinking, but ASDs can't. Their brains are wired differently. Accept reality, and make a decision about what you can deal with.
Your best bet to answer your question would be Mark Hutton, but even him isn't trying to advocate for the NT, he's advocating for the neurodiverse relationship. He said that where the NT should look for a plan B is when the ASD refuses to look for/at solutions to relationship problems. Best of luck to you.
Yes, the first point I can really relate to. I am a man though and, it is not only my partner, but also several other female friends that always want to solve problems which makes me feel like they judge me. Thanks for the input! I think my partner misunderstands me and I her. When I, for instance, complain about not having eaten enough, she reacts by saying that that is not her responsibility! Sometimes I wonder why she wants me as a partner if she deep in her heart thinks I am an asshole.
Meltdowns and shutdowns are also difficult, because she gets angry and if it is something I really can't tolerate it is open anger directly towards another person. You know, sometimes I live in my own world and am not fully aware about my own behavior - I guess a lot of people with Asperger can relate to that - you get overloaded and shut out part of the surroundings and are not fully aware of what is going let alone with how you behave yourself.
Also, she thinks that I let my meltdowns and dark feelings ruin our time together. Well, as anyone with these problems know, you cannot just shut down your dark mode when you are with someone else just to try to be nice. It doesn't work like that!
In relation to your last paragraph, that's understandable, but would you want to be like this the remainder of your life? Spoiling relationships due to your melt downs and shut downs? Although you state it cannot be helped, have you tried any helpful forms of therapy such as CBT?
If not, you possibly could really benefit from it. Don't ever feel like you always have to absolutely stay this way.
You don't care for her dark mode, but you want her to understand and be patient with your dark mode? Is that what your are getting at here?
That's so interesting! I had the same problem with one of my closest friends. She would automatically go to problem solving mode when I only needed her to listen.
My husband says "sure" all the time. I ask "do you mean yes or no? Are you saying sure because you are going along with me, but don't want to and will feel resentment over it"? "What do you mean by sure"? For him sure means "yes, but I don't really care either way". How would I know that? I need a yes or a no to work with. He has figured out to not hug me during a melt down, but to hug me afterwards.
I say sure too😂
as usual thank you for sharing. you are such a good person for helping our lives get bretter
I just found your channel and must say the insights a beautiful. Both, my girlfriend and I, are neuroatypic and we have the exact same problems you mention in this video. You are nailing it for me. Thank you
@Syd Barger and this would be?
@Syd Barger I said I am neuroAtypic, I have missed the A in between neuro and -typic many times also and have started using neurodivergent instead. I have ADHD and suspect I have ASD too. Appointment for diagnosis is in October, one does wait pretty long for diagnosis appointments where I live, I made the phonecall in January. But cannot say for certain until then.
Thankyou so much for this video! All if it was hugely relatable for me and very helpful
Often I feel like I can’t do the right thing no matter what I do in an argument because I just want to be logical and solve what is causing the argument but my partner says that she often just wants to lash out. I don’t know how to tell which things are the truth and which ones are her lashing out so I get confused, frustrated, scared and hurt. Then I end up melting down and that makes her more angry. I also struggle a lot with people reading things into my words and actions, like if I’m frustrated they will think I’m angry or being aggressive and if I walk away because I don’t want to make things worse then they think I stormed out in anger.
I also get scared in arguments or any time I feel near meltdown or know it might end up that way because when I was a kid I got physically or emotionally abusive things done to me when I lost control or had a meltdown
Gabe Angel I get scared too...I was punished and abused too when I had normal emotions, let alone meltdowns. So hard to overcome that fear.
That sound a bit sad, have you told you partner that you are autistic? That might help
Love this. Have this problem with communication in general with loved ones, people who have ASD and me thinking I possibly have traits too!!!! Not in a relationship atm but I always have found relationships difficult
As a very newly diagnosed person, who has had extremely similar issues to you grouping up (eating difficulties etc) my perinatal psychologist who also actually diagnosed and recognised their was a difficulty. Thank you for this video. Will you do more videos related to this subject? I found point number 5 very relatable as well as the others
Hi Purple Ella, great suggestions especially of doing a “your reality experience inventory”. I had often thought of doing so, but this prompts me to *actually* do more than theorise.
I’ve ADHD, my partner ADHD/ASD and a healthy whack of some coercion avoidant defiance disorder. (Uber-you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do-and-not-even-I-can).
The light touch shivers is a source of intimacy kill. I do massage but pressing firmly when wanting to be tender is not easy for me.
Our biggest issues are her not joining implied dots and my projecting when she answers an implied question with a shrug or “I don’t know how to respond to that”. eg I mentioned a pergola we wanted was on special again but only for 4 days. We had talked about it months ago and I’d done some CAD models for her to pick a style, when she had some time free.
She hadn’t come back to me in months so I was starting to feel like she was too busy to bother.
When I pointed to the new opportunity to get it and got a sidelining answer, I didn’t have anywhere to go with it.
Thank you for imperesive and understanding explanation of interesting parts from your partnership in your intimate life. And thank you for sharing your story with us and that you have been so brave to make this video. Best wishes, Ursulla
This was suuuuper helpful, cleared up a lot of confusion that I have. Thanks!
3:30 wish we had like a color changing shirt for you guys, like a mood ring
My best friend (almost partner now) has PDD-NOS which is basically some autistic traits but not autistic by definition so he only has a handful of autistic traits not all but those traits are pretty severe sometimes and make it challenging between us at times so I'm trying to navigate through this and discover new ways to achieve balance and understanding in our relationship so videos like this are super helpful
This was super useful, thank you!
How can you differentiate between a girl/woman who is using you and one that has autism?
Having a hard time understanding if my relationship is one sided because of that. It's always me who asks for meetups and if she can't meet, she writes "no sorry, but probably sometime else." instead of saying a reason or when she is free (happened once). This is just an example and I understand that everyone is slightly different.
pathetic
It sounds like she is trying to politely decline your requests for a date and also avoid an awkward conversation as to why she may not wish to date you.
@@camellia8625 No, she was actually using me. I had been together with her for 3 months when i wrote that comment.
Women like you will always be the same... if a man and a woman have a conflict of interest you instantly assume the woman is denying a guy or the guy is the problem, but the woman is always an angel.
She in fact always wanted to eat a carrot really hard. I am ace though.
Do you have some tips for the autistic partner who is in a romantic relationship with a non-autistic significant other?
When I see people with ASD on RUclips and comments who are in relationships, it s sometimes like hitting a wall. How did you all do? I was diagnosed asperger at 39,i have 53 and I don't have a clue how it could be possible to be in a relationship. It's so scary overwhelming and difficult. I feel like a baby who should walk but doesn't know how to do that.
Thank you Purple Ella, you gave those good tips, I'm sure it might help me, I feel more confident.
Thank you so much for sharing about your story, which help me to understand more about someone I am dating with
I'm so glad you're on YT--bc your strengths/challenges are the same as me. I'm ASD ADHD as well. Hooray :) You're awesome!
Wow, you're exactly like me. Thanks for making this!!
Thank you for the video, my long term boyfriend has autism and we sometimes find it difficult to understand each other. I am also not neurotypical so using clear language and having a lot of patience really helps!
Thank you for helping me to be a better man than I was the day before. Very clear personal guidance from experience.
Hi can you please talk a little more about empathy, communication and feelings if being overwhelming by one's NT Partner.
Thanks
Thank you for sharing this really helps me out.
I have been in a relationship with an autistic woman for nearly 5 months, and it has not been easy. And a big part of the issue I repeatedly experience (of feeling like she's self-absorbed and like she isn't particularly interested in my life or supportive of my passions, which in turn makes me feel really lonely and unseen) has had me wondering if I'm even a good person or if my needs are rational. She's a good person, and she is generally a kind and loving individual, but it just seems like 95% of our conversations are about her and her conditions and daily life and experiences, and when I express mine, they are met with immediate problem solving or what often feels like disingenuous, brief replies. Not actual empathy. Like, I might be wrong, but this is how it feels....and I don't know how to talk to her about it without hurting her. I love her and I see the greatness in her, and I really want to feel like I have what it takes to help make our relationship work, but it feels like it all depends on me meeting HER needs, whereas mine seem to have less importance in the relationship. I completely understand the social cues thing, the difficulties people on the spectrum have in expressing their emotions, or responding to the emotional states of their partners....but it doesn't make me feel less alone and overlooked and misunderstood. I'm not sure how to broach this subject without risking hurting her.
I'm very glad to be finding videos like this lately. I'm verified to be on the spectrum and my girlfriend and I both suspect that she's on it too. We're just similar enough to be able to relate to each other on a personal level but also different enough that there's still a whole lot to learn. I personally don't have any problems with sensory things such as sound or touch, human touch in particular I actually enjoy a lot. My girlfriend however can become very overwhelmed by certain forms of touch and is very sensitive to sounds or smells or any number of sensory things. This makes things a bit difficult for me because I very much want to hug and cuddle and stuff like that, I'm a big ol' teddy bear. For her it's very situational but not 100% off the table, it all depends on her mood. I understand and respect this. It can make me feel undesirable sometimes but I know that that's just my brain overthinking things because I can tell when she goes out of her way to compromise by holding my hand which she seems to have very little problem with and it''s a simple yet effective way of letting me know she loves me. Just the fact that she does understand that it is challenging for me sometimes is enough to make me feel a thousand times better.
Thank you Miss Purple. I'm struggling to get married because i'm autistic. I even find loads of women interested because I'm attarctive, but sadly it endures just a few days. Thank you.
I’d been thinking that my partner might have ASD because of his sensory issues and need for structure, but your meltdowns sound literally like my own anger outbursts. He often tries to problem solve and overwhelms me. Thank you for publishing this, I have some questions for my therapist now
Great video ! Thank you
A summary of th points in the comment would help a lot also! Thanks for this video!
Thank you for these tips, very helpful!
I'm having issues with my autistic gf and Ive realised I've kinda over looked the fact she autistic and has trouble understanding some things. I really appreciate this video and I'm going to try to be more understanding with my gf now. thank u.
My boyfriend and I are both Autistic and this video was really helpful, thank you
WELL LUCKY YOU I HAVE AUTISM AND ASPERGER'S AND IM SINGLE 😡
Autistic people can have mates too. It happened with me.
I love this video so much! Specially the intimacy topic, but I thought you would talk about what is that you like on that topic after telling what you don´t like (I´m not in a relationship with an autistic person, but lately I believe I´m an autistic person) Thank you so much for sharing your life experience in this channel
Thank you for this video- my husband and I are not sure on diagnosis but many of these points are quite useful for us, and I appreciate the tip about stating feelings with clear language very much!
This is a fantastic video. It is clear, open, honest and meaningful. Relative to my research and personal experiences, the advice given here is ...... well, GREAT.
Thanks so much.
My girlfriend and I are now on deeper connection because of you. Thank you. 🌹
thank you!!!
Thank you for your videos ❤they are very helpful ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I think I have a good chance of being in a relationship with a really lovely woman I met. I’m really trying to learn about autism because I like her a lot. Just wanted to say thanks for making this video to educate people. Already I can see that my interpretation of a few things re communication between us both, things I’ve been worried about, might not be issues to worry about at all. I’m just at the beginning of learning but even the few things I have picked up are really reassuring. 😊. Thanks again.
Good upload. Thanks for doing so. I'm guessing the narrator is English or lives in the UK, based on this person's accent - I'm Canadian and live in Toronto, but I'm sure a lot of what this person is saying could apply in other countries & cultures.
This is so helpful!! Thank you for sharing!!
I'm an autistic guy and I was in a relationship with a NT woman for 4 years. We had to break up because we didn't know how to communicate effectively and she couldn't stand my repetitive interests and inability to understand change in routines.. I hope you can do a video about how you communicate with Mr. Purple so we can learn better ways to communicate with our mates. Thanks.
I really enjoyed your video. We learned I was autistic about 3 years ago now and since then things have improved. I do have a question however. Your brief description of your meltdown sounds much like what happens to me. How did you manage to get Mr. Purple to understand that he had to ignore you rather than take the whole thing personally? She understands to some degree but doesn't totally and it's one of those things you really can't control unless you manage to see it happening and get out of the situation fast.
Intresting love your videos Could you do this again with Adhd in mind . I so relate to your videos I have been diagnosed with Adhd but not autism.
Thank you for sharing. I’m a NT spouse struggling to successfully support my ND spouse who we’ve recently understood to be Autistic. While it has helped explain misunderstood moments in our past, I don’t know where to get help in understanding and learning how to support going forward. Do you have any recommendations on books or podcasts that might support me in these efforts to better support her?
Congratulations on the marriage lasting long thanks for the tips I really needed that
Right, Ella, brilliant! Don't know whether my issue with loving a man on the spectrum will be relevant here but I'll share it just in case. He is ASD PDA variety. Me ADHD. And so any suggestion I might make to get anywhere near him he says No Thanks. And I've made quite a few of them. He just gets overwhelmed by my demand. So I space my demands to give him time to recover. Maybe several weeks down the line I again suggest doing something together? No Way, Thanks. We've been this way for more than a year. I just meet him professionally, and not very often. I'm deeply in love with him and it is a relationship entailing frustration after frustration after frustration. It's on the verge of a non-relationship but my feelings always rebound and I find hope again. Somehow. I've noticed we are advancing in our mutual trust at the speed of a snail on dry grit. I still feel he's well worth all the agony. I am 60 so I can relax and wait for him to finally accept love. It's too much for him, at present. But we've come a long way. At first he would get really anxious and guilty and shamed if I approached him lovingly. Now he shutsdown but he is really pleased.
We'll make it! Thanks for your really good tips. Yana.
Girl. Don’t chase a man. Even if he’s on the spectrum.
Sounds very similar to my marriage. Having autism can be challenging but making plans help me greatly and communicating with him instead of assuming he knows.
I dated someone with autism and adhd, ocd, anxiety and depression. Mommy,daddy,daughter issues. It was nothing but weirdness and a natural horror. I never experienced anything like this in my life. She just made up of stories and just horrible communication. And she was a therapist.. I was blamed for most problems. Not realizing how many problems she already has and blame me for them. I will never do it again!
Thank you Ella!
Thank you for this video. This has been very helpful
Thank you very much for sharing this.
I have Asperger and ADHD.
It felt like you spoke about me like 100%. It's crazy.
I often ask my boyfriend if he is upset/angry. He has a very blank face and does not express himself very much.
I'm very black and white. I don't understand normal feelings and I'm very sensetive about others tone of voice. I also need very much loving and caring words. My bf is also a problemsolver and he has been trying to help me when I had meltdown by telling me relaxed stuff. It does not work that way for me. I can't do mindfullness in a "meltdown" situation.
I prefer harder touching and more of an extremely language. I have been crying because I want a schedule and a future plan.
My bf is very caring and no judging. I love him deeply. We don't fight often but I can be very sensetive when my hormones change and when small things in my life change. Change and worryness is 2 of my biggest problems.
If you have more relationships tips that work for you please tell me. My boyfriend is my man of my life and I want our relation to be as good as possible.
I'm also very thank full for hearing a female in a relationship, it's hard to find how female with AS can act in a relationship. I only find fact about AS men in a relationship and I'm not like that when it comes to relations. I show a lot of feelings, I love christmas and gifts, I love to speak deeply about life and feelings but I can be very ruff in some of my opinons and think more logical like a man when it comes to crimes and so on. I feel like a female but my personaly is not that girly like a "typical" girl.
🖤
Thank you.
thank you so much for sharing your experience. most of it affects me and my gf.
How about some tips when you are in a relationship That help with meltdowns. Specific tricks like for instance, I used to have a SafeWord and so did my partner but I found it very difficult to utilize when I was becoming overwhelmed and in the moment.
I have someone in my life who i strongly suspect as autistic, i am also autistic. She texts me every day to tell me about her day but never asks about mine. I don't know if I'm meant to just tell her about my day or assume she's not interested 🤔
Im in a relationship with an autistic guy and we struggle with communicating and what makes this so difficult for me is because my preferred way to communicate is by writing - which is his least favorite.
Maybe some advice on how we can get past this? We've both had very serious betrayals in our lives and we do not trust easily. :(
Maybe you could both just try small bits if each other's preference AND compliment each other on doing so, or just say that you appreciate their effort...?
Planning reduces stress!
And yes, light touching is the worst! 😱😅🙈😂
RIGHT ! it tickles so bad i wanna scream
sometimes do
How to touch when intimate then? Firm?
Hi, when u first met ur husband how did u cope with having to entertain him, when he would come over as I am really struggling with it & I do the same when friends come over, it’s making me feel low in mood & I don’t want him here even tho I do x
I'm not clinically diagnosed but I do struggle with a lot of things typical of autism and many of my family members have pointed out that they think I'm autistic. My husband doesn't know anything about it even when I try to explain myself why I have irritable outbursts and meltdowns on occasion when I'm feeling overwhelmed by everyday life and that I need a quiet room to myself to help calm my nerves. He does pick up when I'm about to have a meltdown and has figured out how to calm me down with some cuddles which really helps pull me out of it. I'm wondering if seeing a psychiatrist and getting an assessment for autism would help him understand it a little better since I struggle with verbal communication.
I see your video a year after posting. I have a relation with a partner presumably with aspergers. We try and struggle and want it to work😊. For me it's difficult that saying I love you or expres those kind of feelings is almost impossible. Do you know why this can be so difficult?
Great advice. When your husband tries to problem solve, what do you prefer his reaction to be? Maybe tell him what you need from him.
My girlfriend has asd, I have adhd. Anyone have tips for two differently nd people dating?
I would like to hear from Mr. Purple as to what some of his methods and strategies are in coping with an autistic partner.
These problems during meltdowns are almost exactly like what we encounter. My partner is diagnosed with aspergers, so I am in the role of your husband here.