Here's how you can get even more clarity about autism and neurodiversity in your life and relationship! Take a quiz: jodicarlton.com/take-a-quiz/ Take a course: jodicarlton.com/courses/ Listen to the podcast: jodicarlton.com/podcast/ Read the blog: jodicarlton.com/blog/ Attend a support group: jodicarlton.com/groups/ Request a private consultation for coaching: jodicarlton.com/booking/
Wow! Needed this advice a few years ago. Thankfully the relationship is over finally but it was a misaligned mess. Saving this to listen to again if I ever feel ready to give dating another shot.
What happens with autistic masking and appearing different? I know people who are different mask with everyone they date. If the previous mask ends with rejection they change the mask when dating the next person. I have done that myself in my 20s then just gave up as I don't mask well. Had far more success being authentically weird, take it or leave it. I do mask still for short periods of time but most you get the real me.
Masking is actually a necessary part of dating that allows for slowly showing someone more and more about who you are. As we slowly reveal ourselves to people we expose our inner thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, strengths, and fears. Think of it as our soul becoming gradually more naked. You don’t show up on a first date wearing no clothes but eventually as you feel safer and more connected you start to feel comfortable with being more exposed. Eventually as you build intimacy it feels good to be naked and close to someone (it’s an analogy for building true intimacy- not talking about hook ups! 😁 ). So a mask is more about showing bits of who you are slowly over time - but those bits are really you (not something you’re trying to be to make the other person like you).
About 4 point. How is that not normal to periodically outsource something to each in your relationship depending on your strengths and weaknesses? I'd argue that helping each other is one of the aspects of healthy relationship. Helping is not equal being a "parent" and a "child". Plus, you make your household functioning more efficient.
I totally agree that periodically we help each other out in healthy relationships. When there’s a pattern of imbalance where one partner is consistently taking on more than the other, particularly basic adult responsibilities, then you have a problem. Also, if one partner is still behaving like a teenager in managing their household and the relationships responsibilities it’s problematic. This person may be successful in their career but have difficulty in personal relationships and responsibilities. Thanks for your question!
Definitely do NOT stick it out even if there are red flags - get help in determining if those red flags are deal breakers or if there is potential for healing and growth. A neurodiverse-aware relationship coach or therapist can help you with this clarity.
16:16 Do you have a video where you talk about when somebody takes over and forces you into the child role whether you take on the parental role? Whether you like it or not. And if you try to take on the rental roll/leadership they do nothing but criticize you internally that bleeds out externally in such benign or sublime ways that erodes your sense of confidence?
It sounds like that person views themself as superior to you, and criticises you for being authentic, and deviating from the role they've chosen for you, regardless of your discomfort with that role. That sounds really uncomfortable. I have a rule, if there's a problem in the relationship, and it's not safe to talk about it, then it's not a safe relationship. In that case, it's not possible to fix it, because it not being safe to talk about it. So leaving is the only option that preserves wellbeing. I hope that you're able to talk with the person and get this issue fixed. But if that's not possible, then it's okay to leave.
15:38 Do you have a video where one individual is always looking for risk assessment/hypervigilance. This is why they're always in their logical brain not their emotional relaxed fun playful caring loving person in a relationship.... If you do could you please PM it to me or put the link below? Thx 😊
So do you suggest that those of us that have cptsd and cen, adhd and autism to just sit out the love game? And just hermit it up. Seriously yer videos hurt. I mean, really, im trying like hell right now, i think im getting some where too even if its slow. we just need a good coach and some support so we can get there, since it hasn't been learned, not belittlement and then abandonment. That's all we've ever known. Do you have any suggestions?
I think you make some valid points with setting boundaries. I found this video very one-sided and cynical. you are judging emotional intelligence off of the norm of neurological people. I agree that people with autism can be more simple minded and black-and-white with their emotions seem like make rash unexplained decisions hard to read. I find it more harder in the beginning to entertain the idea of being with a Neuro typical person. it’s like I see through them and the façade they put up see who they are right away. I can see their whole life on their face for me to read. All their negative vulnerabilities insecurities attachment style, positive aspects. The second you accept them for who they are knowing and accepting it all. Then eventually falling in love with them wanting to be seen the same way. Confused why they don’t have the same level of skills of reading autistic brains. I believe everyone mask in some aspect in life all the time and it never drops. The difference is with neurotypical people picking up a book saying it right just looking front page feeling wronged it not as good as expected. Autistic people are read the whole book and the first hour just sitting there with you if they think you’re just interesting
U just stayed they should not date! Then said in 20s should date? Which is it!? My thoughts.. they need experience even older adults. How will they learn?
This is why marriages fail!!! People need to grow in realionships and if the other partner is willing to support that grow then why should they NOt date? Bad advice lady
Yes growth is important when in an aligned relationship. A big part of why marriages fail, though, is because individuals ignore signs of misalignment and red flags, but get married anyway. Then they spend years and evades trying to fix themselves and each other when truthfully they’re just not a fit. “Growth” doesn’t fix that.
@@JodiCarlton I don't know, Im sorry dont want to be rude but some of your advices feels toxic and neurotic, lack of maturity I am sorry but I feel that way.
@@josejuliangavinoarriaga6528I watched a Vaush video, where he gave the advice, "Don't talk about how you're struggling, with your mental health problems, with your friends. It will make them feel powerless to help you, and they won't like that, which will drive them away. Don't be too negative, so no more than 15% complaining about stuff when you're with your friends". That advice hurt me, because I did that. So I gave his video a thumbs down. But I kept watching his other videos, because he's funny and he gives good advice. And that video, even though it hurt me, it did improve my interactions with my friends. It's okay to feel upset and hurt when you watch videos of people, who are trying to help you. But I hope you can keep watching videos, of people who want you to feel better and be better, and have good friendships and relationships when you're ready. Vaush is on the autistic spectrum and he has good advice. And Patrick Teahan has excellent advice for people who had abusive parents. I've only started listening to this lady, but I thought she gave good advice. Especially as autistic people are very vulnerable to getting into relationships with narcissists, and this video in particular helps recognise the warning signs. I'm really sorry that watching these videos upset you. But I hope you'll be able to take some time, and take good care of yourself, and make progress on your healing journey. 😊
Jodi is absolutely correct. As time goes on you will realize it especially if you continue in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. The body keeps the score. It is a hard lesson to learn.
Here's how you can get even more clarity about autism and neurodiversity in your life and relationship!
Take a quiz: jodicarlton.com/take-a-quiz/
Take a course: jodicarlton.com/courses/
Listen to the podcast: jodicarlton.com/podcast/
Read the blog: jodicarlton.com/blog/
Attend a support group: jodicarlton.com/groups/
Request a private consultation for coaching: jodicarlton.com/booking/
Wow! Needed this advice a few years ago. Thankfully the relationship is over finally but it was a misaligned mess. Saving this to listen to again if I ever feel ready to give dating another shot.
Thank you! This was very helpful. I like the term misalignment - it makes so much sense. And when we try to force it - both people end up unhappy.
What happens with autistic masking and appearing different? I know people who are different mask with everyone they date. If the previous mask ends with rejection they change the mask when dating the next person. I have done that myself in my 20s then just gave up as I don't mask well. Had far more success being authentically weird, take it or leave it. I do mask still for short periods of time but most you get the real me.
Masking is actually a necessary part of dating that allows for slowly showing someone more and more about who you are. As we slowly reveal ourselves to people we expose our inner thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, strengths, and fears. Think of it as our soul becoming gradually more naked. You don’t show up on a first date wearing no clothes but eventually as you feel safer and more connected you start to feel comfortable with being more exposed. Eventually as you build intimacy it feels good to be naked and close to someone (it’s an analogy for building true intimacy- not talking about hook ups! 😁 ). So a mask is more about showing bits of who you are slowly over time - but those bits are really you (not something you’re trying to be to make the other person like you).
Hey you evolved your channel well Jodi
About 4 point.
How is that not normal to periodically outsource something to each in your relationship depending on your strengths and weaknesses?
I'd argue that helping each other is one of the aspects of healthy relationship. Helping is not equal being a "parent" and a "child". Plus, you make your household functioning more efficient.
I totally agree that periodically we help each other out in healthy relationships. When there’s a pattern of imbalance where one partner is consistently taking on more than the other, particularly basic adult responsibilities, then you have a problem. Also, if one partner is still behaving like a teenager in managing their household and the relationships responsibilities it’s problematic. This person may be successful in their career but have difficulty in personal relationships and responsibilities. Thanks for your question!
If is over is over don’t try to help or figure out what happened It is what it is thanks for the help
Does this apply to marriage, too? Or because of the depth of commitment, should one stick it out even if there's red flags?
No, listen to the red flags. They are there for a reason. We often dismiss them due to traumas in our life.
Definitely do NOT stick it out even if there are red flags - get help in determining if those red flags are deal breakers or if there is potential for healing and growth. A neurodiverse-aware relationship coach or therapist can help you with this clarity.
16:16 Do you have a video where you talk about when somebody takes over and forces you into the child role whether you take on the parental role? Whether you like it or not. And if you try to take on the rental roll/leadership they do nothing but criticize you internally that bleeds out externally in such benign or sublime ways that erodes your sense of confidence?
It sounds like that person views themself as superior to you, and criticises you for being authentic, and deviating from the role they've chosen for you, regardless of your discomfort with that role. That sounds really uncomfortable.
I have a rule, if there's a problem in the relationship, and it's not safe to talk about it, then it's not a safe relationship.
In that case, it's not possible to fix it, because it not being safe to talk about it. So leaving is the only option that preserves wellbeing.
I hope that you're able to talk with the person and get this issue fixed. But if that's not possible, then it's okay to leave.
15:38 Do you have a video where one individual is always looking for risk assessment/hypervigilance. This is why they're always in their logical brain not their emotional relaxed fun playful caring loving person in a relationship.... If you do could you please PM it to me or put the link below? Thx 😊
So do you suggest that those of us that have cptsd and cen, adhd and autism to just sit out the love game? And just hermit it up.
Seriously yer videos hurt. I mean, really, im trying like hell right now, i think im getting some where too even if its slow. we just need a good coach and some support so we can get there, since it hasn't been learned, not belittlement and then abandonment. That's all we've ever known.
Do you have any suggestions?
I think you make some valid points with setting boundaries. I found this video very one-sided and cynical. you are judging emotional intelligence off of the norm of neurological people. I agree that people with autism can be more simple minded and black-and-white with their emotions seem like make rash unexplained decisions hard to read. I find it more harder in the beginning to entertain the idea of being with a Neuro typical person. it’s like I see through them and the façade they put up see who they are right away. I can see their whole life on their face for me to read. All their negative vulnerabilities insecurities attachment style, positive aspects. The second you accept them for who they are knowing and accepting it all. Then eventually falling in love with them wanting to be seen the same way. Confused why they don’t have the same level of skills of reading autistic brains. I believe everyone mask in some aspect in life all the time and it never drops. The difference is with neurotypical people picking up a book saying it right just looking front page feeling wronged it not as good as expected. Autistic people are read the whole book and the first hour just sitting there with you if they think you’re just interesting
U just stayed they should not date! Then said in 20s should date? Which is it!?
My thoughts.. they need experience even older adults. How will they learn?
There's the IF in there that IF they have trouble with the responsibility of being an adult they should deal with that before dating
This is why marriages fail!!! People need to grow in realionships and if the other partner is willing to support that grow then why should they NOt date? Bad advice lady
Yes growth is important when in an aligned relationship. A big part of why marriages fail, though, is because individuals ignore signs of misalignment and red flags, but get married anyway. Then they spend years and evades trying to fix themselves and each other when truthfully they’re just not a fit. “Growth” doesn’t fix that.
@@JodiCarlton I don't know, Im sorry dont want to be rude but some of your advices feels toxic and neurotic, lack of maturity I am sorry but I feel that way.
@@josejuliangavinoarriaga6528I watched a Vaush video, where he gave the advice, "Don't talk about how you're struggling, with your mental health problems, with your friends. It will make them feel powerless to help you, and they won't like that, which will drive them away. Don't be too negative, so no more than 15% complaining about stuff when you're with your friends".
That advice hurt me, because I did that. So I gave his video a thumbs down. But I kept watching his other videos, because he's funny and he gives good advice. And that video, even though it hurt me, it did improve my interactions with my friends.
It's okay to feel upset and hurt when you watch videos of people, who are trying to help you. But I hope you can keep watching videos, of people who want you to feel better and be better, and have good friendships and relationships when you're ready.
Vaush is on the autistic spectrum and he has good advice. And Patrick Teahan has excellent advice for people who had abusive parents.
I've only started listening to this lady, but I thought she gave good advice. Especially as autistic people are very vulnerable to getting into relationships with narcissists, and this video in particular helps recognise the warning signs.
I'm really sorry that watching these videos upset you. But I hope you'll be able to take some time, and take good care of yourself, and make progress on your healing journey. 😊
Jodi is absolutely correct. As time goes on you will realize it especially if you continue in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. The body keeps the score. It is a hard lesson to learn.