When I was born in the ‘60s, if you weren’t basically catatonic or beating your head against a wall, you weren’t autistic. I was finally diagnosed last year at age 59. I’m so glad there’s so much information and support available now.
Wonderful! The trauma of living with this and abandoning the self for so long. Now finally finding acceptance. I knew I had ADD/ADHD, but got labeled by people with worse things then internalized that. I’m so glad that’s over now. I’m 53
@@livaallolia there is no "treatment" because it's just the brain wired differently. Just recognize that you aren't going to be like most people. You may not like to be in loud places, or in crowds, you may be interested in things that others aren't. You may chose to wear comfortable clothes over fashion. You may get exhausted by the end of the day of being at work. You may not be able to lead. You may be a good teacher. Relax. Find out what you CAN do; stop trying to do what tires you, makes you anxious, or exhausted.
@@shevawnbasye7404 i really appreciate your reply 🙏❤️I’m already exhausted living this life, on top of that I’m seeing spectrum symptoms in my daughter 😢don’t know how I’m going to cope with this
As a female on the spectrum you may feel constantly burnt out trying to be somebody, but not even understanding who it is you are trying to be. How true!
Wowww that is so me. About 4 years ago I started voicing this concern to my really close friend ( like my sister) I confide in her that I was feeling down and numb cause I feel like I’m constantly pretending. I’ve always felt this way a bit but over the last 8 years I had been feeling so guilty cause I couldn’t figure out why I can’t just enjoy things like a “normal” person. Like I feel fake when out in social settings. I feel like I have always been labeled the quirky friend. I’ve always been a bit of a oddball, though I never really thought that I was that weird. I think as a got older like I felt like maturing I had to hide/ mask pieces of myself. I think maybe that is why I’m feeling more dysphoric. Cause I don’t think I really changed inside but felt like who I am was no longer appropriate given my age.
Secret stims : biting the inside of my mouth (almost constantly), finger tapping, finger drumming on parts of my body, rubbing fingertips together, body rocking (back & forth), foot shaking (when sitting)
It was really hard not to cry watching this. I'm 33 and terrified to speak to my GP tomorrow but I'm finally taking the jump. Thank you so much for this video.
Mobbinng for Disabled people is going on even right-now. H-ck, theres literally conversations going on right-now about if its 'harmless fun' to trigger. I ask directly: want me to tell you where so you can side with the Bullied and against the Bullies?
I've cried thru the neurodivergent videos and the autism late diagnosis videos. I understand your statement and I fear the doctors so much that I'm trying to wrap my mind around that step. I'm 52. Don't wait.
I had an appointment a few weeks ago with a new GP and within 3 mins she asked me if I was on the spectrum? Wow! I had nothing thought about before but it has now opened up a new world for me.
@@JoseLuisDias-s4y It may be that your GP is on the spectrum, or maybe her child or family member has ASD and therefore she recognized something that looked familiar to her. PS I'm a retired MD with autism. There's lots of us.
When I was a child, I was a voracious reader with a fantastic memory. I actually mined fiction books for templates on how to behave “normally.” In situations I’d actually riffle through remembered books for a similar situations and act accordingly. I actually see the words in print in my mind and read them like a script: “She paused thoughtfully, then slowly shook her head…” The more I read, the bigger my masking database.
I had to comment because you said you see the print in your mind and read it like a script. I also do that, but I've not expressed it to others because it sounded "too weird." Once in high school we had to memorize a soliloquy from Macbeth. I stood at the front of the class and began reeling the lines off but my eyes moved back and forth like I was reading it from a page. My classmates turned and looked at the back wall to make sure I wasn't reading from cards or something. Their movement made me stumble a bit. It was pretty distracting.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help.
4:36 1. increased difficulty navigating romantic relationships 5:45 2. internalized anxiety from constantly masking 7:22 3. Suppressing honesty to make others more comfortable 8:07 4. copy and paste behaviors 9:12 5. being labeled “sensitive” or “gifted.” 9:45 6. feeling depleted after social events 10:36 7. Secret Stims 11:46 8. Feeling more true to yourself in writing than in person 13:17 9. comfortable in leadership positions 13:51 10. good at gaslighting yourself 15:06 11. rich inner dialogue that you have difficulty articulating 15:49: 12. Fewer female friends/ preference for non-females 16:22 13. feeling really different from female peers 17:04 14. successful in school 17:33 15. socially appropriate special interests 18:21 16. awkward at flirting
Just thought I’d point out that some of these have at lot of overlap with social gender dysphoria symptoms, especially point 12 and 13. Especially when coupled with points 1-3 and 16. So having some of these may or may not be related to autism.
Thank you!! And contrary to other commenter, I prefer being friends with males because they're just easier, they tend to say what they mean and mean what they say. Women I have Zero interest in romantically or sexually at all. A couple of times it seemed like a woman was making moves on me and I recoiled because that is not happening. In school, it bothered me that women were so shallow, concerned about whether or not their eye-shadow matched their blouse, I don't really wear makeup, that should be on the list. It's expensive, uncomfortable, takes too long to put on and take off .Some women are manipulative and I learned not to tell my best friends who I had a crush on, because next thing I knew THEY would be talking to the guy and he'd ask her out. I'm not into sports, but am a bit of a tomboy, like camping and hiking. I took woodworking and metal shop in high school, also took cooking and sewing and some kind of interior decorating thing. One of my special interests is Star Wars and Star Trek, but also doll collecting and miniatures. When dating, I didn't know what to say, with small talk and so on. And that seemed to indicate to the guy that he should move in and kiss me. Not sure my more talkative friends had that problem.
The gaslighting one really hit uncomfortably close to home - I am dealing with this problem right now because I see people who are younger than me seemingly having their lives under control, and keep telling myself that I should be able to do all the stuff they do, too: find a job, have a stable relationship, live independently, socialize and do their laundry on top of it. Hearing that I should stop comparing myself to peers was important to me, so thank you!
I have felt behind essentially all my life, too. It didn’t help that others reinforced it by asking things like “why can’t you do a, b, and c etc etc”.
Same. I just cried... i'm not officially diagnosed. My close female friends are one after the other diagnosed autistic, and they are saying i am definitely part of the weirdo and proud of it community. Understanding slowly all my past, all my struggles... Thank you for this video. ❤
I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but my psychiatrist and I are pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. I hadn't realized how much I have masked my entire life, without even realizing it sometimes. I was the extremely shy kid who got put into theater in middle school because my mom hoped it would help me come out of my shell. In college I majored in theater and eventually got 2 degrees in communication. I've literally been trained to act and mimic and mirror others in order to communicate or tell stories effectively. Unmasking has been difficult and at times more exhausting than just continuing to mask
Also in theater, where I learned to 'fake it until you make it.' Peripherally, I was aware I was acting in different roles at school, work, etc. Don't know if I can unmask at this point - I've been doing this for 50 years!
This sounds so familiar... :( For me, masking feels like it ruined my life in many ways but I'm incapable of fully unmasking and I don't think I ever fully will. I don't know if that's good, bad, indifferent, or what but I don't really know how else to "be."
My psychatrist only wants to treat my long term depression and anxiety… even tho I told her most meds I’ve tried don’t actually help. I told her a doctor I saw before meeting with her asked me if I had xyz and I just looked at funny and got asked why she asked that. Didn’t really take me seriously. Now I’m afraid to even try to ask again for help. I have a hard time with knowing everything before I talk to someone yet when I’m there with them I can’t remember anything on my mental list. I feel like a paper list would help but I feel like they’d think I’m over exaggerating like everyone in my life has told me.
@@melanielee7266 I am finding out that many psychiatrists don't have enough knowledge about autism. Take several on line screening tests and then when you seek help again you can tell them the results. Also, it may be that you psychiatrist only wants to treat anxiety and depression because there's not really a treatment for autism.
I am a psychologist who specialized in adult autism. I have had a best friend for over 20 years. I just realized that she is on the spectrum. Making the leap to recognizing her as autistic was shocking. Yes, I was too close to diagnosis her but additionally, it is that difficult to diagnosis in females. I enjoy your talks. Thanks.
Very, very interesting insight. Gave me a lot to think about. I'm often stuck between telling people "my deal" of having Autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, anxiety, PTSD and wanting to be seen as normal...only to realize I'm not acting normal and should (over) explain myself which leaves me feeling ashamed, vulnerable, and afraid people will see all my weaknesses or differences and none of my strengths because frankly we are some of the most capable and interesting people in many ways, in our own ways, better than average even at many tasks. Or mistaking that I care so much about everything at all times at the same time that it makes me sweat and throw up either with large groups, individuals, or sitting alone at home, so I don't go on dates or social gatherings...or leave the house. Being misunderstood leads to depression especially when you're rejected by people who you opened up to and valued. It feels like always being alone, and it feels like my choice, my curse, my destiny to spare everyone around me from my quirks, and spare myself from losing yet another person. I get that everyone feels misunderstood, and the worst is when it's family wondering "what's wrong with her, why can't she be like her siblings, settle down, be successful, have kids".... But meanwhile, not one of them is living the life id choose for myself. 30..no kids..while all of my siblings are on second marriages, gave life to my 16 nieces and nephews..and if anything it's been a clear view of what I don't want for myself although I appreciate that they are happy. So I live vicariously through others, and decide to do the opposite of everyone around me. At the end of the day, solitude and divergence have taught me more about myself, and how much I love my heart and mind and respect my mental energy, physical body, and the integrity of my soul. Because no one can affect you with their judgements when you already accept yourself, and act with good intentions to be the best version of yourself day after day.. diagnosis mumbojumbo aside, we are all human, all different, and some of us don't hide it in order to feel accepted. The act of ACTING is simply not worth the agony of giving up who you are at your core. We are not broken. I'm more inclined to believe we are evolution perfecting itself, balancing the world and creating new perspectives.
@@That_Gypsy_Girl_Indy I will be 50 in a few months and have no kids and have never been married but my siblings (both younger) have kids and one is married while the other is separated from their common-law ex who is the mother of their son. Both my siblings have told me they do not want to hear "your whole life experience" when I talk ... and even my dad has said try talking less as people stop listening to you. No wonder why people talk over me all the time. :(
I was diagnosed at 32 with ASD along with ADHD and specific learning difficulties. This made my school years extremely challenging. As I was a very quiet and compliant student and scraped by with c,s and d's they assumed this was all I was capable of. I was told by my teachers at my private school that they would prefer it if I didn't come back and complete year 11 and 12. The fact was I had fallen so far behind my peers I would have had to do the v-cal program in Victoria at the time which would take four years. I had already been held back in grade 1 for another year with no real be benifit. Took a toll on my self-esteem. Seemed ridiculous as I was never going to cope with uni and that's why you continue through to years 11 and 12. So I chose to leave after year 10. My disabilities are invisible to others and it does make it hard to hold down a job no matter how hard I try. I am divorced now with two beautiful girls Alyssa 7 years and Holly 5 years. Motherhood had given me real meaning in life. I had one close friend in primary school but lost her by high school and was unable to make another friendship since. My pets were my company through school and I am an animal lover.
I was wondering if another trait (related to social awkwardness) is feeling more comfortable with people not of your own age group. As a young adult in my 20's and early 30's, I felt more comfortable with my mom's friends. Now as a mom who is nearly 50, I would rather chat with my daughter's friends and I don't really have friends my own age. I wonder if it has to do with social expectations and wanting to get away from them. I just find it hard to relate to people my own age and I 100% don't understand the desire to get together in groups and have small talk for hours (this would be torture for me). The only way that I would feel comfortable with a group of people for an extended time is if we had an activity to do together, like a game.
I relate to this on the other hand when in a group doing a project of any kind I tend to want to go longer than the NT. I am more detailed and focused on the quality of my work. So basically even if I am doing something new to me... I've already researched it and thought it out and my work ends up looking semi professional or intermediate than primary level first time try IF given enough time!
I’ve wondered that too. I always got on better with kids younger than me. But when I reached a certain age, it no longer became acceptable which was really confusing for me. And I really struggled to switch adults to not being higher figures of authority and to remove the rules around how I viewed them. University transitioning was especially hard for me, as I navigated both the new world of university and also work placements on my course. I couldn’t be comfortable around staff or communicate effectively. I had managed to stay in a little bubble my whole life - keeping the same friendship circle that I had since I was born - my cousin and my mum’s friend’s daughter who were in the same schools and year group as me. But I found it easier and more comfortable to communicate with children, in my teenage years, rather than those my own age. I would gravitate to “looking after the kids” in social situations. I would sit on the floor “to be polite and save chairs for others” at family gatherings, but I actually also preferred to be on the floor with children/pets and not sandwiched in between adult, small-talk conversations. Even still, a lot of people I meet guess my age to be about 8 years younger than I am because that’s how I come across. As if I have delayed progression and development in social growth/transitioning or something. I agree that it is easier to meet up with people to do an activity together. Something planned. There’s something else to focus on and to break up the conversations and can help give excuses/opportunities to be able to talk to different people rather than get stuck in a boring conversation with just the person/people you end up sitting near. It also gives reason to communicate without making constant eye-contact, and often involves physically moving which helps reduce the need to stim/ struggle to sit still for long periods.
I think this is definitely true. I have both friends younger and older than myself. As a child especially I gelled more easily with older or younger humans
A family friend got diagnosed a few years ago and I told her that I suspect myself (38) to be on the spectrum. Her blunt response:“Yeah, I was waiting for the moment you figured that out“. There is a lack in resources for adults on the spectrum here in germany, so I have to wait a year for my first appointment. In the meantime I watch videos like yours and read trough the comment section and to be honest it‘s quite a blast to hear and read about traits and experiences that (finally) match my own. This means a lot, so thank you very much for making me feel less of an alien.
As an Auslandsdeutscher, I find your experiences extremely sad. Autism runs in my family, and I have an uncle that is autistic, and have always considered myself as on the autism spectrum. My uncle was what used to be called an idiot-savant, and he could hear a song once, and then repeat it. He could not express what he wanted or needed, and became violent when this persisted. Eventually my grandmother was convinced by a doctor to allow the doctor to use electro-shock therapy on my uncle. It did not cure him, but he never sang again. When I contrast that to the treatment my nieces (both on the autism spectrum) got in the UK, it is like chalk or cheese. It really does look like my niece will be able to build a normal like for herself, and in long conversation with her, the only really autistic trait she clearly showed was when she could not cope with a cycad's noise nearby. I suspect that my daughter is also on the autism spectrum and was wondering - why is a diagnosis so important to you? I relate pretty much to all the points Tay made, but much of the time it really is about finding a way to engage with the limitation in a way that transcends it ...
Once we have our own diagnosis our internal radar can spot our neuro divergent people faster than a speeding bullet. At 41 if I don’t get distracted I can usually identify lots of Neurodiverse people in a room
Hi Löwen Zahn, ich wurde selbst vor 3 Jahren diagnostiziert. Ich kenne eine Anlaufstelle, bei der es nicht so lange gedauert hat. Dies fand bei einer sehr kompetenten Ärztin statt, die selbst Autistin ist.
OMG! BOUNCING MY EFFING KNEE ALL THE TIME AND BITING MY LIPS!!!! I absolutely hated when people asked me to stop because I felt like I just couldn't help it....
@@BobaTeaBeech or even scribbling on paper. People think it's disrespectful because I don't seem to be paying as much attention, but I may find the conversation too difficult to look at you in the eyes.
I remember vividly one of my teachers saying that I had an ability to adapt to each role that I had to perform in my life - student,sister, daughter etc. I never quite understood why that resonated so much until I realised I was autistic. To this day it’s one of the most eloquent descriptions of masking I have encountered
I’ve been called a “social chameleon” for my ability to converse with different social groups. I’m just now realizing there may have been some unconscious mirroring and masking happening there.
I have been questioning whether we can mask and not know. I said to a boss a few years back that I exhaust myself as a therapist. I feel extremely genuine but, it's not authentically how I present in my life. I am a high energy therapist. When I am presented with a person who may be aggressive or more scared and timid I tell people I can be furniture. But at home, I tend to be more withdrawn. I isolate, have significant sensory overload at times. Since high school after school I would go home and take a nap. I would be exhausted every day after school. And after work I tend to fall asleep in the chair at home. I have wondered can we mask, and still feel genuine to the situation (excited to interact with my client but more energetic than is my usual energy.) It's so hard to explain.
Oh my gosh.. that really hit me. This makes me realize things.. Could this be paired with an inability to switch between these roles (when you’re tired which is often tbh)?
Wow! I had no idea. This really resonates with me. I am 58 and just now learning I am neurodiverse. I knew I was ADHD, but the autism part is new. Finally I can be me. BTW, COVID quarantine was a blessing as I require massive amounts of alone time yet when I would finally get in a social situation post COVID, my masking skills were totally gone. Now I flat refuse to get into any situation I know I am going to fail at. Unless compelled by a court of law I’ll never ever ever attend another event if I don’t want to.
@@melissaconaway1776 We can absolutely mask without being aware of masking - to a degree, in my experience. I remember pre-school me going to my parents' mirror to practice facial expressions as I'd been told that my tone, my story/reported feelings etc., and facial expressions didn't match. So I made a conscious decision to change that, but I did not realize for like 20 years. I just figured that was how everyone learns emotional expression. ;D Also, NTs also mask, just usually in far less situations and often to a (much) lesser degree. So, due to all that, compounded with it not being a topic of conversation, I - like most humans, especially children, do - simply assumed that everyone did that on the inside. I would even argue that many of us subconsciously put on the mask and it's really hard to unmask (the mask keeps "magically" reappearing; it is a coping skill to keep us safe, or at least help us feel safer; we don't know how to; we are now a mosaic of mirrorred personalities and need to get to know our own unmasked self first, before we can show her (*my pronouns) to the world). It reminds me a bit of learning that we can unintentionally manipulate. It's an unintentional action designed to get our way/help us out of necessity or an unmet need. I believe masking can be similar. :) This is just one insight, my personal opinion. :)
The part about written communication was super interesting to me (an autistic afab person) because writing has always stressed me out way too much, and it can take me hours just to write an email. I definitely still prefer it over speaking since it does give me time to think and choose each word very deliberately. (It took me way too long to write this comment lol)
I think ideally we would be given as much time as we need to formulate words whether thru speaking or typing or some other way. We are just as smart we just sometimes need more time and patience. Like for all humans not just autistics. But for an autistic like you or me (sorry if that term offends autistic person if you may) the stress is real bcos of all the inputs and details! I totally feel you on this
I do this too. I will write an email and edit it over a period of 3 days before I send it. Other times I won't edit it but I won't have the confidence to send it until 3 days later without necessarily changing anything. I just find that I need confidence in what I am trying to convey and sometimes that takes time for me
I relate to the writing too, as I like to have time to formulate my thoughts. Sometimes when writing on these comments sections I will go back and edit, and re-edit, and... until I have said it exactly the way I want to. 🤪🤪
I'm an 82-year-old female who is just realizing that I'm autistic, and my discovery is revolutionary! I've just finished writing a novel, called Untethered, to be released in August 2024 by Bold Strokes Books. It's quite autobiographical, takes place during and after a cruise in Indonesia, and features a woman very similar to me discovering my differences from neurotypical women. I relate to all sixteen of the points you make, and It's so freeing to finally begin to understand myself and be able to relate to my fourteen-year-old profoundly autistic grand-niece with much more understanding. Thank you so much for speaking up. Sarah Hendrickx's book on females with autism, published around 2015, has also helped me understand myself.
@@dietlindvonhohenwald448idk if you have a teenager, but often times they say stuff as a joke out to mess with you, so before I make actual medical appointments, I try to learn a little more about stuff.
The thing you said about socially appropriate special interests also for me feels like masking. When I was a kid I remember my special interest was bugs, especially ants. I even wanted to be an entomologist at one point. But I gave it up because girls are supposed to think bugs are icky. Now I'm 29 and rediscovering my love of ants.
This is my daughter now! Bug obsessed and won’t be friends with anyone who expresses dislike toward any insect, especially hair nits 😂 She wants to be an animal rescuer. Enjoy getting back into ants!
I’ve had some doubts about whether or not I’m autistic… but I definitely masked my interest in dragons and certain things that I wanted to draw. 🤔 This video has given me lots to think about!
Whoa. I always knew I was ADHD but mildly, but I've always felt different. People have said I was iconoclast or just avoided me. I'm 74 old woman and never have managed a successful long term relationship. I have always loved being alone much of the time. I just identify with so much of what you describe as symptoms. I am so grateful I stumbled on your channel. Thank you!!!
I'm 67 and have been living alone for over 10 years now. My last "relationship" was on and off with a drug addict for 20 years. No one has ever been in love with me. I'm recovering from surgery on my arm and I can't find any to help me with minor tasks around the house, such as changing the fitted sheet on my bed. I was misdiagnosed for years. I wasn't diagnosed as on the spectrum until I was 60 and that was after I did my own research.
Omg... Shaking in my boots... This is too familiar to not be. And at 66 I'm freaking out and sighing for huge relief that I've discovering it's a real possibility I'm on the ASD! Just WOW! So many of my issues and traits make sense. Definitely going to follow you and follow up on this. 😮
This really helped me understand more about myself. I was just diagnosed (at 42!) by a psychiatrist who specializes in autism in adults. She actually took on my case because she wanted to potentially use me in her research. I’ve long expressed to people I never understood how to flirt or if someone was flirting with me, and that what is in my head never comes out right when I say it! And I’ve been complimented on my writing ability for decades, but that’s because I’m constantly editing. I do also note that as far as autistic traits go, one that you didn’t mention (or maybe I missed it?) is the tendency to overshare, which I definitely do. I either don’t talk at all to avoid small talk or I talk a lot about something I was just learning about or a special interest.
Omg. Definitely over-sharing is so relatable go me. When someone tells me a story I want all the details, not the general storyline (like if a friend is talking about a first date) so I try and tell my stories 100% but I can tell sometimes that some people would rather the short version 😭 so it’s something I’ve had to learn and it bothers me but I’ve learned to soothe my brain after😭
Omg, omg! Me too. I am 42 and I believe I have this, now I need to find out! I have done these things my whole life and what made me comment was that I've been told by everyone to give them the readers digest version of what I'm trying to tell them. But I can't. Yet, I'm fully aware. I can't help it.
Yes, same here. I never knew (still don't) when someone is flirting with me. I always got "well didn't you know I liked you?" No, no I didn't, thought we were just friends. It kinda ruined me wanting to be friends with guys again. I would constantly be worried if this dude is with me cuz he sees me as his friend, or...😬 I just don't get females, and I'm female! And I'm tired of masking around other woman just to fit in. So, what do I do? 🤷🏽♀️😳🤔😂
What you say about editing in writing really gets me. In German class, I had bad grades in the range of 3-4 (1 being the best and 6 the worst in the German school system). Until at one test, I was allowed to write on a computer because I was having a carpal tunnel issue. I got a 1 at that test. It was no wonder to me: Editing is so easy on a computer, you don't get lost when the surface stays clean. The school psychologist then suggested me to skip every line in written tests. It worked wonders: Suddenly I mainly got 1's in German essays, with the occasional 2 in between.
Absolutely nailed me. I’m 80 yrs old and was miserable in school in social situations. Learned to cope as an adult, but people sometimes still look at me like I have two heads.And sometimes I act like it, lol.
A lot of non autistic women feel this way and do these things.. The pressures put on women to be perfect at such a young age is insane. I feel for women who are autistic because this must be twice as hard.
Hit the nail on the head. Women have it hard enough as is. As young girls we face a lot. I’m no longer identifying as a women (nonbinary) I didnt even know why I wasnt allowed to do half the things boys did. It was like “you should listen and do as I say and that’s why” or that bullshit “because I said so” instead of actually explaining carp to me. I always felt like I wasnt allowed to do so much because I was born with certain expectations. Having been born afab and all. My parents are great but also growing up catholic defs had some like issues. Strict parents/family but loving. I never felt fully comfortable. Turns out I’m not a woman and not straight. Thank god my parents dont mind. Nor my family. But it tyrns out I was being shoved in a box labeled female and didnt know that I had other options. I used to think “wow I feel strange. I dont feel like a woman. Must be the autism and general lack of acceptable social skills. I was confused. Then I realized who I was because I learned through friends of mine. My friend circle widened my world views so much and I learned so much about myself. Also turns out that a huge percentage of autistics are gay/queer/etc. a lot of my autistic friends are nor straight or not cis or questioning. And sometimes we feel like its just autism confusion. I didnt know I was pansexual. I didnt know what that was. That it was an option. All the girl crushes I had as a kid? I didnt like pay attention to that. Or rather I was so obtuse when it came to that part of myself. That when I realized I was pansexual I was already married (happy asf too) but I looked back ay my entire life and my young self who wanted to be Princess Garnet Til Alexandria oe Tifa Lockhart or whatever pretty character or actor I was low key obsessed with. I know I’m kinda rambling now but all these expectations happen and we dont always get a lot of options to take or we dont know there ARE EVEN ANY other options AT ALL. Like at all. And we’re left on like a very narrow road not knowing there are other side paths or roads we can take or that we can ditch roads all together and just wander and do our own. We dont have to follow the path laid for us. We we can make our own. Its like you are on a snow shoveled path but it feels restrictive. And suddenly one day, someone gives you a large shovel. Its heavy. Its hard to use. But you start making your own path. Eventually you get stronger and that shovel is easier to wield. You making your own path becomes natural. Its no longer such a huge struggle. That’s where I’m at right now. Making my own path for my own self. It took almost 3 decades to get here at all.
For women these behaviours are 'cute' and 'quirky' and 'acceptable' for guys the are 'dangerous' and 'odd' and 'unstable' - stop trying to generate sympathy for females when there isn't a problem
I am a newly diagnosed female with autism at the age of 50. My biggest challenge is finding people and groups dedicated to adult females with autism and low support needs.
Check out my connection groups!! Would love to have you and sounds like it might be exactly what you're looking for. I have some spots open in my December group. taylorheaton.as.me/schedule.php
I was diagnosed in my mid-40s, turning 50 soon! I really think that being born in the 60s, 70s gives one a different perspective on understanding one's experience. I'm still learning.
@@MomontheSpectrum would you consider NOT sharing an autism diagnosis? Could you talk about that? In my situation, for example, "outing" an autism diagnosis would wreak havoc on my personal and professional life. Please spare me the acceptance speech - we're both old enough to know how broken this world is. I am sincerely asking wether people have tried this, or if they shared the diagnosis and regretted it afterwards, et c. Many countries make firing you harder if you have special needs or medical conditions. But they sure as heck will think twice when hiring then... It's a beautiful thing that a diagnosis helps kids get access to support, but as grown-ups, it doesn't work like that. Also - legal ramifications if you HAVE an official diagnosis and 'fail' to disclose it e.g. in the hiring process or any other process where you want something.
@@janalu4067 I was diagnosed just a week ago. I've told only my closest friend. It will take a sign from God, maybe in writing, before I tell my family. For once in my life I'm going to take this very slow. Talk over each person with my friend, she has great insight, then think n pray about it some more. Right now I don't think Many people need to know. Definitely risk adverse. Best wishes on your journey😊
Im self diagnosed and watched a million of these videos and took all the tests like 6 times each. But i still feel like crying when i hear all these traits that make my whole life make sense. Thank you
I feel the same way. I also feel like crying when I read others comments and see that I am not alone. So many others share the same traits and struggles. Yet I don't seem to be able connect with others in my daily life. Is it because we are all trying so hard to seem "normal"?
@thanjallanza5238 going to work now. I will try to remember but u know how our memories are. There was a lost of traits by a woman Aspie quizes The actual test that drs use
@lorilimper5429 i think it takes time. I actually really liked this person at work and people were bullying him. We really connected, then i found out he is autistic! Im thinking when we come across them, we will automatically connect with them. I wish we had a secret sign, wave, to let each other know
Just diagnosed here at age 60 and happy to know, finally, that I'm just *like this* and there isn't anything bad about it. I was a weird little "gifted" kid, good in school, not very many female friends though and I'm so un-girly that at one point I was wondering how to ask my doctor about it. But it turned out to be that I can't communicate the way so many women and girls are socialized to do so: playing social games, dropping hints, whispering behind their hands, while I'd rather just be direct. This was so valuable. Thank you.
I am trying to work out how the multiple sclerosis lesions on various parts of my brain could have contributed to these characteristics. I also find that as my physical disability has increased, and so have the number of checkmarks for these particular characteristics you describe. Almost to a 180 degree turn around from who I felt I was a decade ago.
How did you go about getting diagnosed? I'm sure I'm on the spectrum but I'm hearing it's really difficult to get a diagnosis (especially as I'm 'highly functional') 🤔
It can be a challenging journey. I got lucky and heard of someone close to where I live who specialized in diagnosing autistic adults. She is licensed in Texas and Colorado. Her name is Dr. Laura Sanders. I would also check out embrace-autism.com. They do online evals though I have not personally been through their process. Hope this is helpful! Glad you’re here.
I’ve always suspected my husband was autistic and through research I learned I had a lot of the signs of autism too. Writing has been huge in our communication. My husband would rather dig a tunnel to China than have a conversation about things that are bothering him (especially if it’s something someone said/did) but texting me “Hey I was uncomfortable when ___” or “I’m upset, I just need a minute” has been lifesaving for our marriage. A lot of people have laughed when they heard that’s how we communicate the big issues but it really is the perfect way for us. You can re-read what the other person said, address all the points, come to an agreement you can refer back to if you forget and you don’t have to worry about how you’re coming across. The feelings and tones and heat of the moment type comments are pretty much erased from the conversation.
I went to a psycholog for about a year, some 10 years ago. I would struggle to say out loud what I wanted to say or it would come out very flat and shortened. So I said: can I just write it down? I gave him a novel to read but it was what the info he needed to figure out how to help me. I just can't say it out loud. It gets stuck between my brain and my mouth.
@@mffmoniz2948 Same, we both are bursting to say what we want to say but are polar opposites when it comes to the approach. I always end up saying things way too harshly and over exaggerating to get my point across due to never being believed when I was younger and he always starts backpedaling and downplaying his side of the story if he says anything negative. There’s a lot of childhood trauma on both sides to do with communicating so we both agreed a lot needed to change when we started our family.
I've always been horrible with communication in person... So many things that I want to say, but when I have the opportunity... There's crickets in my brain! My partner and even close friends all have come to expect novels/short stories from me via text/messenger... Because it's the best way for me to communicate ☺️... The real people will respect this!! People will try to have discussions in person, and I can kinda convey certain things... But at the end of the day, I need to write it out!!
This is so helpful! I started a fitness regime that includes headstands, I got sensory overload and put in my Loop earplugs and hung out on my head and it calmed me down...immediately memories of my as a young child hanging out upside down on my couch against the wall, watching tv, just chilling; or hanging out upside by my knees on monkey bars. I think this is a stim that I let go of when it was no longer for a teen and a woman to just...randomly stand on their head haha. I'm looking at my childhood different now
Stims: jiggling leg, individually tightening/loosing small finger or thigh muscles in a rhythmic pattern, silent repeated counting of tiles or room items
Silently counting of tiles and room items is the most relatable thing ever..... you have just blown my mind Following or counting patterns on curtains, wallpaper or carpets I would never have thought of that as a stim
I would have avoided so much pain if I had've known that I was -actually- different. The lack of female friends hurts the most, the not knowing when people are flirting, being too sensitive, different than my family and friends. Thank you for sharing this!
You didn't miss much. I had neurotypical best friends growing up and all 3 of them ended up becoming abusive because they didn't understand me. I didn't fully understand myself then but im starting to. But a lifetime of emotional, mental and physical abuse due to my differences is hard to undo.
"Fake it till you make it" has been a sentence constantly put into practice over the course of my life. I mask to the point where I don't recognize myself sometimes. I've recently been told that I seem very confident. What often gets overlooked by others (often neurotypical) is that I'm confident in situations where I know exactly what to expect and I don't do well at all in situations where I don't. I put on a front to lock my panic away and it's exhausting. I've been told before that I'm very blunt, for example, I still don't see why people take criticism personally. I just pointed out a mistake so it can be fixed... I was always labelled "shy" because I didn't have many friends or talked to many people. Looking back I know that I knew I was different and didn't even know how to start communicating with other children. Why would I want to when they thought I was weird anyways? Thinking about it, I used to chew my hair, bite my nails and I kept clicking things like ball pens or if I had one that opened by twisting I would keep doing that for long periods of time while I listened to what the teacher was saying. Basically I was constantly moving my fingers if I didn't write. I used to gaslight myself a lot more than I do now, but I still push way past my body giving signals that it needs to rest. I still have a special interest in horses. "Completely normal", gets overlooked, but what my parents and most other people fail to see is the absolute need for the connection to a particular horse. I form a bond with and then fixate on them. It hit me really hard when the horse I was taking care of was sold when I was younger. It took me months to recover, I grieved her and I couldn't trust the people in charge again afterwards. Today, I own a dog and I take care of a horse of a friend 2 days a week. I need this connection to animals. They don't judge or care that I'm me, they love me regardless of neurotype or label.
I am the SAME growing up i had a big big interest for horses, in turn by literally watching all of those movies and shows like the saddle club, i have watched so many details to them riding that i was told i was a natural first time riding, years go by, i still love horses and it got to the point of crying and stimming when i seen them, i dont think that love for horses will ever go, i want to ride down the isle when i get married on a horse. Just a few years ago i went on a horse for the first time since i was 7 and instantly its like i knew how to ride my whole life.. im pretty sure im autistic and its just gotten overlooked by my adhd. The biggest thing i feel relatable with is when fellow neurodivergents say "We tend to quite literally feel like an alien because we dont feel we belong or fit in or like we are not human." and i never felt so relatable i felt like that since i was a little girl always. I never had many friends either, maybe 1 close close friend. My stims like flapping hands, biting my nails, cheeks, lips, moving my legs back and forth in my seat... it was all looked at as adhd.
No cause I know exactly what you mean. I have ADHD and maybe ASD. I wrote this on March 9th... "Masking: Fake it till you make it. When you’re a kid you’re told “fake it till you make it”. So you do. You stuff your quirks into boxes, hide your struggles behind curtains, and try your best to "make it". Then one day you wake up and you’ve done it. You’ve made it. But you’re still faking. Only now every mistake must be a slight against someone, every confusion a joke to laugh at, and every ask for help deemed unnecessary. Cause no matter how far you pull back the curtain, no one will believe you’re faking. You might have made it, but you’re a fraud. So you sit there and wonder: who really made it? Because it doesn’t feel like me."... I also used to gaslight TONS myself and even still do some. For example, I'm currently sitting alone in my dorm room after a class that is always overstimulating, and I have a fluorescent light on which is burning my eye. But I "should" be able to sit here with the light on so I haven't turned it off. I always try to do what I "should" instead of doing what's best for me. SO MUCH internalized ableism.
As someone on the spectrum as well, it's interesting to see someone so different then me yet similar. Personally if you give me "criticism" if I don't ask for it, I'm gonna be mad at you. You may not get why, but if I don't ask for it, to me it should be obvious, but as someone also on the spectrum I know it's not that simple to you, I feel that way about a lot of things. I don't like "criticism" because I don't believe it's criticism unless I want it, and verbally ask for it. I'm an artist and I draw how I like, I'm already hard enough on myself about my artistic mistakes, the last thing I need is someone else telling me what's wrong with it. Like I get it, it's not perfect, but I draw for fun, not for you.
Re: the inner dialogue thing - I don't know if I'm autistic, but when I was doing my visual art degree I once told my brother that if it was possible, my perfect artwork would be literally putting someone IN my brain to experience something the way I experienced it. He said it was the most narcissistic thing he'd ever heard lol 😂 I see his perspective but I thought no, I just struggle to communicate the way things can feel and it would be so much easier if someone could just *get it*
Do you find yourself over-explaining? So I learned that apparently autistic people tend to over-explain because they feel so much and don't know how to put it in words. I'm self-suspecting, and this thing has been a big part of my life.
@@arab6745 woah. I do that a lot as well and Im also self suspecting 😭 its like i have to explain the whole situation so when i finally explain my emotions it makes sense
@@LunarEclipseIsCoool exactly! I sometimes spend 10 minutes (or longer) talking about the context to say the thing that takes 2 minutes to say. I also tend to say what I want to say several times in different ways to make sure I conveyed it well.
For #13, I was part of the 'weird' group of girls in middle and high school. Basically, thinking back on it, we all had some form of either mental illness (one of my best friends was bi-polar) or were/are most likely on the spectrum. We never talked about our emotions that I can remember, and when we had sleepovers, we'd just play games and do silly stuff or, my favorite, we would go camping. Two of them are still in the area and my friends still. Yay!
In another video I recently watched one of the signs of being autistic was "having friends on the spectrum". People on the spectrum speak the same language, they understand each other, making it more likely for friendships to form.
I seemed to subconsciously make friends with others on the spectrum as a child. I suppose there was this comfort in knowing we were just as awkward as each other 😂
Yep, I got just generally “weird” rather than “sensitive” as the explanation for me when I was young. Took me ages to realize most people didn’t default to assuming that was a compliment lol
Same here. My best friend has ADHD, I’m highly suspecting myself as Autistic, and my ex friend of mine was.. strange. I’m not really sure what was up with her. I honestly couldn’t tell you. She struggled a lot in school and was behind. She acted extremely childish even all through high school. Like talking in a baby-type voice and everything
Actually, when my husband and I were first married, I was overwhelmed by the size and energy of his family. I actually went out for walks at family get together to cope.
I relate to this a lot. It was always acceptable for me to disappear into my room periodically during family events because I always did it. But my partner's family does not see it that way or understand.
I have 5 siblings. When I was a kid, when cousins or friends would come over, I'd hide in the closet with a book and a flashlight. Now, as an adult, I hide from the other teachers to eat my lunch so I won't have to make conversation. My (adult) daughter hides in back rooms when we get together with that side of the family for holidays. You're perfectly normal in my book.
I agree with the other commenter as well. I can only cope with being around other people in a social situation for a very short time ( I'm fine if no or limited social interaction is expected, like at a store). I would definitely prefer to be by myself and have chosen to escape or hide to get away from social gatherings.
Oh, me too. I'd disappear into a room on my own to get away from the sheer size of the crowd and pressure to be a "normally functioning adult". Nowadays it's easier because the gatherings are smaller and I already know everybody. And everybody kinda accepts that I sometimes disappear.
I'm a 25 year old woman and have been unraveling my life through the lense of autism for the last 4 years, it's been enlightening and exhausting. This list is so great, thank you for creating more content for people like me!
Oh my God! I can totally relate to all of it. But I have never ever thought myself to be on the spektrum. I just thought I always just have been a little “off” And everything I know about autism is always described to fit boys and men. Thank a lot for this video! It is so much needed for women on the spektrum.
Hi Tay... I just discovered your channel today and have already subscribed. I am nearly 63 years old and received a diagnosis of high functioning autism one month before my 60th birthday. I had begun to suspect I may be on the spectrum at around the age of 50. During those years I spoke with three different psychologists/therapists about it and every one of them told me they 'don't see it in me.' One of them, a woman who's husband was on the spectrum, flat out, and very brusquely I might add, said, "I don't think you have it." I know now what they were really saying was, 'I don't see autism in you the way it presents in males.' Then one day I came across a list of autistic traits common to women and began to understand how differently it presents in females. So I contacted a qualified psychologist and was evaluated. That was the day my life finally started to make sense. Over the next days, weeks, and months, as I shared my diagnosis with family and friends, the most common response I got was, "OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh......... That makes so much sense!!!" I had one person ask me how having the diagnosis has benefited me. I realized, in that moment, that I now felt like it was OK to Just. Be. Me. To be the quirky, introverted, gardening nerd who really doesn't want to spend much time at all away from home. To be the artist who can work like crazy on a project for days at a time and then put all the art supplies away until the next burst of creativity comes along weeks, or maybe months, later. I have a loving supportive husband, wonderful sons, daughter's-in-law, and going on 9 grandchildren, and a small group of friends who love me for who I am, not who they think I should be. And while I do struggle with some aspects of autism, I've begun to see it as a blessing I would not want to live without. Thank you for what you are doing to help autism in females be better understood.
I have always known I was "different." I became scared to speak in high school because I always said the wrong thing and annoyed people with my thoughtless, brutal honesty. One minor, non-physical bullying incident in year 7 caused me to run to the library every tea break and lunch hour for the rest of my school life all the way through to year 12 to avoid being ridiculed in the playground. This behaviour continued into the workplace where I chose to read books, write stories, draw, work out in the gym, or play table tennis with the boys from the engineering department during my breaks rather than talk to my female work colleagues in the lunch room. I learned from the one colleague I befriended - mainly because we shared an office and were forced to be together - that I was the object of ridicule and gossip because I chose to avoid them. I couldn't win. As a result, I built a distrust of female relationships and friendships, and I still today prefer the company of men - much simpler creatures to understand. I have a myriad of compulsive traits and analyse my own behaviour and emotions to death like I am my own science experiment with the brutal honesty I was denied in high school. I have this strange ability to see everything from everyone's point of view so I can work out why I piss some people off. I then beat myself up for it and promise I'll do better the next time. The tests for me were inconclusive. The Aspie Test confused me because it doesn't state if you are one way or the other. It seems I'm an inbetweener and have both broader autism cluster and neurotypical traits - whatever that means. I was 28 for the Autism Spectrum Quotient Assessment. Not convinced, I took the Cat-Q and scored high at 133. I think years of personal development taught me to mask certain behaviours in social situations. This doesn't surprise me, as many of my friends don't think I'm autistic. Yet, I gravitate toward other autistic people because I somehow get them and why they do what they do. I am married to someone on the spectrum, so I see a lot of my behaviours, although not as obvious, are very similar. I guess I have to accept I am just me, and I'm uniquely different. I suspect there are many on here who feel the same way.
I found my autism traits first, but there were key things that didn't click. A couple years later, my goddaughter who reminds me so strongly of me as a kid was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I was like, nope, no way, there's no hyperactivity and my focus is second to none when something's interesting... Then all the resources started to come out for ADHD presentation typical in females and so much clicked into place. You may well be in a similar situation. I find there are ADHD traits that "normalise" some of my aspie traits... It helped me understand myself a lot more. Last week I found the #AuDHD ... Still learning, grateful for the internet to find my tribe(s) though.
Definitely not anything to do with Autism. Believe it or not many ppl. are just like you but they mask it. The bigger issue is not being strong enough to say to the world "This is me like it or not" and continue to be yourself regardless of other ppl. People will always want to talk about what is diff. and if you were diff. then you would be the topic of conversation. One very important thing in this world is being part of "the group". If you don't join in at least a few minutes just to appease them then you will certainly be viewed as different and they will probably think you are strange or think that you think yourself too highly but its bc they feel threatened not knowing who you are and what your thoughts are. Ppl. need to know you too to feel safe around you. If you share your feelings of shyness or need for more quite time then they would be more accepting. Nothing of what this video discussed has anything to do with Autism. It has more to do with having been taught to be pleasing and agreeable to others over your own self esteem leading to self rejection and feeling defeated.
Thank you SO much for including AFAB as well in the title. As a trans man, it’s difficult for me to discern things related to health and psychology when they simply use the terms ‘male’ and ‘female’ because I don’t know what will or will not relate to me. Things regarding menstruations don’t relate to me because I haven’t had one in years due to taking testosterone. But then I wondered if there were certain ‘feminine’ traits that still stuck around in my brain/hormones/biology after transition but I never got a straight answer.
So much this! I'm a trans guy to and have the same problem. It's further complicated because I'm visually impaired, so it's hard to decern what is causing what and when. 😅 The reality is most likely everything all at once. lol
The nuances of how trans and NB people fit into these kinds of gendered patterns are really interesting. Is a gender-based difference neurological? Environmental? Hormonal? Does it change when someone transitions? Do trans folks' pre-transition experiences line up more with their AGAB, or with how they identify? If the symptoms change, does that happen when someone socially transitions but not medically, or when they medically transition but not socially, or do you need both? How do NB and intersex people fit into this? I have so many questions. But it's not the kind of question you can answer based on just a few case studies, because even in cis folks, the gender differences are more about averages and trends, compared to a clearly delineated binary. Idk [Marge Simpson meme] I just think it's neat!
@@Treegona Oh absolutely! There is literally no one definitive answer for all your questions because everyone’s experiences, genealogy and psychology are vastly different and unique. There have been plenty of ‘majority case’ answers through research and surveys, but they really aren’t a monolith for all people in the trans and non-binary group. But there are very similar patterns, emotions and neurological developments that help narrow down more solid answers regarding trans folk and non-binary folk. Also, I really enjoy your curiosity- it’s so refreshing against the bigotry I usually get. I enjoy people asking questions, it means they want to actually learn and understand. 👍
That would definitely make knowing the relevance of some info more difficult! Here’s some things I know that might be helpful? One is the importance of the first 1000 days (from the start of pregnancy to 2yrs) in development. And there’s some big differences in the way people are treated based on their perceived gender at that time. There’s one study about how people interact with infants more physically if they think they’re boys and more verbally if they think they’re girls which is both sad and interesting. It had nothing to do with the behaviour or actual sex of the infant, only the perceived sex. My friend’s an early childhood teacher and even by 1-3 yrs old, which is when kids usually first arrive, and she’s told me about how girls/afab kids are raised with higher expectations in terms of personal responsibility and responsibility for others. I also don’t think the trauma inflicted on girls/afab people can be underestimated, it’s so bad! Especially, TW sexual abuse, with the number of pedos and the amount of child on child sexual harassment and assault that is ignored and even encouraged by teachers and parents. So yeah, my knowledge isn’t around gender identity that but that could be a starting point for tangible experiences that could affect you now, even if there’s differences in how it’s expressed for you? Sorry it’s lots of words, I tried to explain well bc I dealt with a lot of dysphoria and uncertainty about my gender so I know enough to know it’s complicated. Although I’ve been managing the dysphoria fairly well by handling it similarly to my other body image issues and in the end I decided to continue as a woman so that’s why I felt it was best to just focus on socialisation and early experiences. Hopefully others can be more helpful with how your gender expression could play into this!
Or even small gatherings for "gossip"! I'm 82 and have learned so much over the years that I'm seldom considered even weird anymore. No diagnosis, but as a kid and teen I always felt like I hadn't received the social "instruction book" everyone else apparently was handed at birth. I also never understood friends' preoccupation with being liked as more important than being truthful. Never enjoyed small talk until I started running competitively in my 40s and at last had a subject I could small talk about! Always more comfortable in one to one conversations, even better in writing. Sudden bright light (e.g., parents waking me in mid-sleep) would set me screaming until it was turned off. Sudden very loud noises still do screaming to drown out TV att excessive volume). At parties as a younger adult, I would either hang around the food table, head for the book shelf, or play with any small kids in attendance. At my daughter's wedding 30 years ago, I hid out in the washroom to avoid the obligatory dance with the groom's father, as I'd never learned "social" dancing and hadn't been warned ahead of time.... I don't even feel that I can discuss this with my husband, who is even weirder than I in some ways and tutors a couple of Aspie young men, and often comments on how difficult it is for anyone with autism to conceive of /tolerate unresolved ambiguities ambiguities in material they're reading and analyzing, whereas I'm always noticing ambiguities and multiple possible approaches to problems....
I can't thank you enough for this video. I didn't realize so many of my "quirks" are possibly related to Autism. Hit the nail on the head for every single point. I was diagnosed with ADHD very late and have become a certifiable masker. So much to process but it confirms something I've been wondering for a few years. Next step, talk to my doc.
I was primarily diagnosed with ADHD. The ASD was a side diagnoses based on my responses to the MMPI. What I feel now is the inability to focus was related to the anxiety caused by the sensory issues from the ASD. I now wonder how many of my ADHD kids are actually ASD with poor coping skills.
WOW! I am soon to be 67 years of age, and you just outlined my whole life. I never felt like I fit in, ever. I always feel calm being alone. I never understood how others wanted to be around big crowds. I never wanted to go to concerts or be involved with anything like that. I hate being around society because of the social games people play. I could go on and on, but there is not one thing that you mentioned that has not been a part of my life. And don't get me started on becoming involved in research for something I am interested in. I will read and investigate all I can until it all becomes redundant because I have exhausted all of the resources and everything is sounding the same as what I have already studied. I used to do this at a library before computers, so you can imagine how exhaustive my study is now. I never liked doing girly stuff and always felt more comfortable hanging out with guys, which also caused me to be sexually abused. You literally just did an overview of my life. Wow! I never knew. And I have two autistic grandsons from two different children. Is autism hereditary?
yes it can be hereditary. Thank you for sharing your experiences here! I am sorry to hear of some of the challenges you have faced, but glad to be connected to you and learn about our similarities! I'm glad you're here.
@@MomontheSpectrum your video made me cry and it’s hard to stop. It was so nice to be able to naturally relate to something when I usually don’t, at least not in the same way the majority of others relate to things. I’ve always been so painfully aware of how “odd” I am to others. Watching the video just felt like a comforting hug so thank you! 😭🤔😬☹️😳😩😱😔🤨😜🤓
Yes!!! And I can’t seem to stop offering to find resources for people, like I’ll research new cars if a friend is considering a purchase and I always pick out the places to stay, etc…
For the feeling depleted after social events part, I knew I had that, but when you said a sense of depression and lethargy, it made so much sense why every time I would hang out with someone or a lot of people, I would have a bad day the next day and just feel really down and lazy
@@finebetty7446 no, that was just something I related to and one of the 70 reasons I think I’m autistic. If there’s someone like that that doesn’t have many other symptoms they’re not on the spectrum but that combined with all my other symptoms could mean I am on the spectrum
Just diagnosed at nearly 40. I relate to all of this and it is really nice to hear someone else articulate all this. One strategy that I use is making lists of prompts and cues when I absolutely have to make a phone call. When I first contacted my Dr to investigate diagnosis I was very disappointed to be told, 'how could you possibly be autistic, you're a teacher'. The lack of understanding it astounding. I teach Science in a behavioural setting with very small class sizes and many of my students also have Autism. There are strong routines, my lessons are a structure i design and I operate within clear frameworks. It couldn't be more perfect as a job.
I’m 21, last year my 41 year old cousin who is a late diagnosed adhd female, she told me that I have adhd. Just 5 days ago when I was telling her overwhelmed I was for experience many different new emotions and feeling anxiety, she told me that she thinks I’m autistic with adhd overlap. She taught me a lot about neurodivergency in that 3.5hr phone call. She encouraged me to research autism in females, black females especially (of course we’re black lol). Doing all this research and learning about autism in females really opened my eyes, my life made a lot more sense. I keep having flashback of memories of me being clearly autistic with adhd and how people treated me. It honestly makes me sad. It feels like I’m grieving for my past self. But I’m also happy to learn more about myself and how to help. I bought myself Loop earplugs 4 months ago, and let me tell you… BEST INVESTMENT I’VE EVER MADE! I never knew how tense I was without them. I could feel myself being a lot calmer and my muscles relaxing when I have them in
I’ve always been diagnosed as ADHD with social anxiety. I was “gifted” in school since as early as I could be because I have high IQ and excelled in school. Becoming an adult and starting a corporate career, I really struggled with communication. This video is very spot on for who I am. Every single point. I’m in a leadership role, prefer writing communication, am gifted, spend every in-person social setting focused on my body language, eye contact, expressions, etc., gas light myself, copy and paste. I only started wondering if I was autistic recently, when my son was born and diagnosed as autistic. Social situations burn me out sooo much. Every night, after work, I come home and find myself hiding in my bedroom. It used to be hiding in the bathroom. It took me so long to get promoted in my job to a leadership role because of social communication being an issue. I’d meet with the boss and get so anxious, struggle with eye contact, etc. and every single aspect was held against me. They constantly found ways to expose me to situations that caused me to quickly find ways to mask my issues with eye contact and stimming at work to finally get where I wanted to be. It’s crazy how it all makes sense and frustrates me that the workplace made things so much harder for me and that people aren’t understanding of different neurotypes.
It's kind of reassuring to hear those points about lack of female friends. I've always felt so disconnected from female peers or even the expectations of femininity as a whole that I've questioned my own identity. Doesn't help that my interests were always more popular among boys. I've concluded that I am happy as a girl, but it almost feels like im looking into a club from outside through the windows, wishing I could be included even if I don't fit the "criteria".
Thank you for sharing this perspective here! If you stick around and look through the comment sections I’m sure you will find others who have shared this same sentiment here. Also I have a video about joining the ASDirect community on Discord. It’s the largest online autistic community and there are specific channels dedicated to gender exploration.
I can not thank you enough for this video. Everything you said resonated with me. I am 70 years old and have just begun to suspect that Autism could be the reason for so much struggle in my life.
@Dr. Christopher Johnson Hello. I was born here. I am very proud of my Country and realize how fortunate I am to live here.. the news of San Francisco is not good. But I know we can't believe everything we read. What do you think of Mr. Trump et al?
I'm a male(24) but this past year I've come to realize that I resonate with so many, if not all, traits and problems of late-diagnosed autistic females. This video is the first time someone made me feel a little more included in the narrative, so thank you! I definitely understand why males generally aren't part of this narrative and that the lack of autism awareness concerning women is a serious problem, so I don't mean to criticize or disagree with it and will support this no matter what :) I received my ASD diagnosis (asperger's back then) when I was 10, but my parents never really told me much about it and kind of discarded it. So it basically never happened and didn't find out about it until I recently reached such a low point in life mentally and started to find out the roots of it. From a very young age, my parents focussed on me having to excell at school and gymnastics. Also, no one in my family has ever bothered to at least get some info about autism, so every day I got punished, corrected, ridiculed and blamed for every autism-related behavior (at the time I wasn't aware of this of course). Their parenting style is also pretty authoritarian and low on emotional availability, which in the end resulted in my C-PTSD. Both of them come from families that care about achievements, money and status and I definitely felt the pressure to follow this path early on. So maybe I resonate with late-diagnosed women so much because I also dealt with having to be someone else at all times and always being at my best...
Addendum I feel like this is also why a lot of males on the spectrum act out aggressively. They are steered away from emotional processing n regulating, into literally being told stop acting up now! Be a man! Especially in that authoritarian style. But that is my theory and based on personal reading and chats I have shared w men in my life :)
Mate I am so sorry you went through this. I have the same sentiment except I was 14 when I was diagnosed. I'm glad you were able to pull through & learn more about yourself. That shit is hard with a difficult family so I'm proud of you.
It makes sense that you relate to a lot of this!! I feel like in some ways it’s just a different external expression of the same internal differences. I had very authoritarian parents too and that’s one of the things I always point to as a reason for my masking. And I think girls in general experience more unfair power dynamics and abuse of that kind which could be why this is more common for us, and also why you relate even if the cause for you is specifically family and not more general, gendered mistreatment? I’m really sorry you were treated like this and I hope you’re in the process of healing!
Yeah also I will often handwrite something out before I type it; I've just found that my ideas are more 'together' and honest that way, and less editing necessary
My youngest brother was diagnosed with autism at a young age, and as he’s gotten older, I’ve become more aware of my own thoughts and behaviors. As a 25 year old just now exploring the idea that I could be on the spectrum, this video was really helpful and relatable for me. I’ve always been high functioning and was considered gifted as a child, but still felt really out of place. Listening to videos like this gave me the freedom to consider the idea that this is just me, and that that’s okay.
I just started watching this because I was thinking about my daughter, but as you went on in your list I started crying, because all 16 are things I've been doing or struggling with since I was a small child. All those years, and I didn't even know what was wrong. Like, I could NOT look at people in the eye, it took literally YEARS to be able to fake it, and yes, I mean fake it, because that masking thing, I do it ALL the time, too. Any kind of social situation with large gatherings, even not so large ones, leaves me exhausted for days or even WEEKS. When I went to my sisters wedding two years ago, I was gone for about a week, and it took me almost a MONTH to recuperate and feel calm and safe again. Sensory overload is a real problem, my imagination is so rich but I could never get those things out, I have no friends and can't even keep up with my two grown daughters and family because they all want to TALK and I write to communicate much better, I've actually developed a phobia of phones (I REALLY hate them), flirting is a lost cause, I've always gotten along better with men, I wasn't girly enough for my mom, I've been raped and molested many times over the course of my life, one instance leaving me permanently and badly disfigured and damaged in certain areas, and I could go on and on. I'm fifty-one years old, and I've been living with these things all my life. I've been diagnosed as Major Depressive disorder, Social and General Anxiety, Seasonal Effective Disorder, and several others, but NO ONE has ever looked at me for Autism. And now I just want to cry... all the YEARS ... I can't even speak.
Sending you compassion and a huge hug. You are important, you have value, and there is nothing wrong with you. I hope you've found someone safe and stable to speak with about this.
I can so relate with you. I am 70 and never talked to anyone about how I felt. I didn't know anything about autism until just months ago and I now finally realize what is wrong with me. I say wrong because I didn't fit in any place not even within my own family and thought there must be something wrong with me. At this point no one wants to believe I am on the spectrum. I hear, " everyone feels like that, you're no different than anyone else." Sometimes I'm just so tired of living in this world. I too was raped, at 16, and had a baby that was put up for adoption. No one asked if I was hurt when it finally became apparent I was pregnant. I was sent away to have the baby. I was also molested by my brother but I was too afraid to say anything. My mother was very abusive to me until I was 12 when one day she was hitting me so I started hitting her back and told to she had to quit hitting me and she did. I have to force myself to look people directly in the eyes mostly I look at their nose. I hate the phone and happy to have texting. I don't have friends and hate socializing even family gatherings are nerve racking. I found my daughter in 2019 through 23&me and I was so relieved to find she was alive and she grew up with good parents. I also found I had 4 grandchildren and great grandchildren. We had a gathering last year and it was interesting to see them, all the family resemblances but I just can't have a relationship with them it's too hard on me. I haven't told my daughter I believe I am autistic. I am sorry to be rambling on. I want to thank you for sharing a bit of your life and I understand you could go on and on, me too. Take care.
@@c-hawkins4358 First, I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love. Second, you did not ramble at all. Your path was not easy. Much of your story resonates with me. And, I too have been seeking to find out "what's wrong with me". Even though I know I'm not wrong (just different) that was the best, most simple vocabulary to describe how I felt. Perhaps you're like me ... if you just know the why, the how becomes easier because you know what you're dealing with. And can develop coping skills and have a set of rules or instructions for navigating the world more easily. Your family may never adjust to your recent realization. To acknowledge that you are austitic is to take responsibility for not supporting you and perpetrating abuse upon a neurodivergent person who did nothing to deserve it. This will upset the status quo they've worked so hard to maintain, and many families (in this type of situation) are not strong enough to show remorse, apologize, and start down the long, hard road of making things right. This is not to excuse or relieve them of responsibility. It is simply the reality you face. They are not rejecting you; they are rejecting reality. And trying to hide from their transgressions. Once again, you were not (and are not) wrong and did nothing to deserve what you experienced. Your heart knows this, even as you carry the profound trauma you experienced. Would it be helpful for you to talk with someone? Dr. Engelbrecht, whose website hosts embrace-autism.com/aspie-quiz/ (one of the resources Taylor provided above), was diagnosed with autism at 46. She has extensive training and experience in assessment, diagnosis and treatment of people on the austism spectrum. Just reviewing her website a few days ago (when I found this video for the first time) gave me a strong sense of peace and comfort. Although I don't yet have an appointment for an assessment (it may not be with her, but I know she and her team can make the necessary referrals), just knowing I may have some answers soon and a better understanding of "the why" encourages me. All that said, my intent is not to 'fix' you or push you toward resolution and repair if you're not ready. Please know that I see you and believe you. May any path you take from here be for your highest possible good. May peace and joy soon be your constant companions.
@@amytrione1342 Thank you for your response. I think you have great insight. I have spent the last few hours taking tests and reading Dr. Engelbrecht website and learning a lot. I hope to find an internal peace, that would be a blessing. Love to you and your journey. You. are a wonderful person.
Wow - so I'm a 49-year-old female who is a director at my place of business, and I honestly was able to recognize every one of these traits in myself. I'm so tired, genuinely exhausted after a day of work - especially on days with lots of meetings - and didn't realize it was because of masking. My social calendar slowed WAY down during Covid, and I actually loved the quarantine because I wasn't burnt out from interacting with people.
After I listened to this, I can’t tell if I and all my friends are autistic, or if you just described the female human experience. I am also thinking this list seems to describe adults who were raised in emotionally neglectful environments.
I was thinking the exact same thing some years ago after watching an other video about presentation of autism in women/non-binary people. Turns out that my friend and I indeed are all neuro-divergent. And it makes sense, because we were relating with each other and feeling out of place in the "normal adult world", so we stuck together.
One thing to keep in mind is that neurodivergent people tend to befriend others like them, so you could all be so. Another is that a lot of autistic afabs are late diagnosed and therefore not given any proper coping tools for their situation, which often results in a comorbid anxiety. In fact, a lof of afab autistics get diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder before they get diagnosed as being on the spectrum, that if they ever get that diagnostic even.
Complex trauma from childhood abuse/neglect can have the same symptoms as other disorders. In therapy ADHD and Autistic behaviours came up, however we explored trauma as an explanation first. CPTSD explains all my behaviour and I relate to most of the list presented in this video. Hyper-vigilance presents itself in many ways that could seem autistic. Good news is that all this can be unlearnt as the trauma gets processed. Which would be a different experience if it were autism.
I find one-on-one communication much harder than small group communication. It feels like being put under a microscope. In small groups, the attention is spread around and you don’t have to be the main discussion pilot.
I'm literally about to cry. The way you've explained this has opened my eyes to so much about myself I've been questioning "why" and not understanding and you've really opened something up for me here.. thank you ❤
I went to get a diagnosis for adhd back in November, ended up with a diagnosis of mild adhd and level one asd at age 21. This video is such a great tool to find different things we can experience as autistic individuals!
I'm nonbinary (afab) and was diagnosed only a few days ago, high functioning end. All I kept thinking is this is so me!! I really love the way you carry yourself and how respectful and kind you are, I can tell you have a good heart. I wish I could've had someone like you as a teacher in school
I've been considering getting a psych eval for autism for awhile, after working in special ed for a couple years. Then my sister jokingly sent one of those spectrum tests to all the family... and I scored higher than her diagnosed brother-in-law. So... I'm hoping to get the courage to make the call this summer.
That's awesome. How funny! Which which test did you use use, that your sister sent out? I've been collecting online quizzes and self-evaluation tools for a while as part of my ongoing pursuit of all the research and resources that might help me build my case with professionals I encounter who are still behind in their awareness and/or acceptance of the latest discoveries and understandings regarding non-male Autism Spectrum presentation.
My psychiatrist said hes not able to diagnose adult autism. That would be more so a psychologist? I keep asking what are psychiatrists for? Just checking my anxiety meds and prescribing them? Ive always been labeled as gifted especially in the artistic/crafty realm. Im realizing a stim i do or have done since i was little was fold fabric so theres a point and ran it across the palm of my hand which is very comforting. Or run my fingernails across the hem of my skirt,shirt whatever i have that has a thin nice fabric. No one notices. Its ticklish but calming. My imagination is beyond! I also doodle,draw,design in my head or on paper.
@@jetta.silence6356 I do something similar. I pull the fabric of my skirts (I only wear long skirts or long dresses) taut until it creates a pucker. Then I flip the pucker back and forth. Same thing with bedsheets. As for the eval, I asked my GP and she suggested a clinic in town. It also happens to be the same clinic that one of my coworkers takes her autistic son to and she loves it. Thankfully, she's not one of *those* moms of autistic kids, so I trust her judgement. I do have to make the call myself though. So I'm waiting until the school I work for is out for the summer to do it.
I’m in the process of trying to get evaluated. The area in which I live doesn’t have anyone who tests adults. Every test I’ve taken on line puts me on the spectrum. The first time I was so surprised,I started taking other tests. They all came out the same. I really wish I could be included in things more, yet as I’m getting ready to go I start asking myself why am I doing this? And I look forward to the evening event being over. I often go to festivals by myself so I can look at things at my own speed and not be hampered by trying to keep socializing with someone while I’m looking around.
holy shit. So, my adult daughter diagnosed me as Aspb during the first lockdown, and I totally believe it to be true (she is 25, I am 57). So as you go through your list, I am thinking yeah, yeah, yeah, that's me, right, yeah, amen to #6, and then we get to stimming #7. And I first thought, Oh I don't do that, I must not really be autistic. Because I don't flop my hands around, except that I do when I am talking. But then, the holy shit moment, when you said something about constantly moving to dissipate the energy and I remembered what my husband and I were just talking about, how my feet are never still. Ever. My whole life. I am always jiggling my feet and flexing my toes. They are always moving. Sometimes I'd get into trouble in school for tap dancing under my desk. And if anyone asked me why I did that, I'd just say, Well, I have the get the nervous energy out. Laying in bed at night as a kid before I fell asleep, my legs would be all over the place; I thought of it as "bed dancing." So I think that's stimming, right? O M G. I want to participate without being part of the herd. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! You are singing my life with your words. I used to get so upset at work when the group didn't invite me to something and I would complain to me husband who'd reply, "They used to invite you all the time but you'd never go so they just don't bother to tell you anymore. " And I said, "EXACTLY, they KNOW I won't come but they could still get credit for inviting me and I would get to feel included." Even though I don't want to go . At all.
I always dismissed this as restless leg syndrome, but I’m wondering if it’s my form of stimming too. I toss and turn quite a bit before falling asleep, then my legs takes over while I’m asleep. lol at the work invite thing, I’m the same - was annoyed my work colleagues were doing activities without asking me (but I’ve said no every time they’ve asked before so at some point they think they need to stop asking me -to avoid being a nuisance right)
I'd say ADHD... (goes together with autism a lot btw). And not realizing that if you never act on an invitation, people will just stop asking you to come is just dumb. It is a learning process: why would you invite anyone to something you know they hate? That is also caring about you: respecting and learning your preferences. Stop being butt hurt.
It's interesting, my adult daughter is on her journey of treatment for ADHD and possibly on the spectrum. I never would have thought she would have the diagnosis of ADHD as a child because I mainly looked at the hyperactivity part of it , which she wasn't, and it was never recognized by teachers, or anyone else. Now looking back I see she definitely had attention deficit, and it is what she especially struggles with as an adult. I chalked up the disorganization of her room and book bag as normal stuff (not everyone is neat) and seeming to be in la la land most of the time (an endearing term we would use). I always said she was two years behind her female classmates, and now understand why this was true. She functions perfectly at work, and was a good student (especially in primary and middle school) except for when any sort of organization came in. I now understand it so much more, the biggest thing how once she has used all her energy up at work, the rest of her day it's difficult to give even an ounce more of attention to anything at home. She was with a psychiatrist for 3 years and still trying to figure out medication and honestly we both felt hopeless. Now she has a new doc and we learned so much more at her intake appointment that will help and definitely feel more optimistic about treatment. This has been interesting to listen to as she was told it's possible she is on the spectrum as well.
It was interesting reading your comment. I was diagnosed when I was 9, something I'm really thankful for, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and your daughter. The years since the diagnosis have been hard, and I can completely understand the feeling of tiredness and not being able to do anything after work, it's how I feel most days after school. I sincerely hope that the proper help is found, and that you two find something that works. I do have a couple tips for organizing, I'm not sure if they're helpful, but they help me. Clothes are hard to hang up or fold, so get baskets on the ground, one for dirty, one for clothes she's worn but aren't dirty enough to wash, and as many baskets for all her other clothes. If she has hobbies she enjoys, and the materials get everywhere and never cleaned up, you can buy drawstring bags that flatten out, then she can have all the items on there, then just pull the strings and boom, all neat and tidy. Another thing like this that works is a big lid, I have all my crafting materials on a big storage container lid that I slide under my bed when I'm done. That's all I could think of at the moment, but I hope they were helpful
I was diagnosed when I was 4. It's the reason why it took so long for anyone to realize I also was Autistic. My inability to focus, hyperactivity, struggling to read (in a straight line), inability to write many words (I still struggle). I was at least 4 years behind in my learning. Then I was diagnosed as Autistic. I finally got more help which made things better. I'm still horrible at learning. I almost failed EVERY class I took. My highest grades was 56... I was a shit student 😅🥲
what kind of frustrates me is that many people think that just because someone isn't the typical picture of "hyper" (imagine a kid on a sugar high, for example), it automatically rules out the hyperactivity aspect of ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, and my inattentiveness, forgetfulness, and just not doing things, etc were all attributed to me being lazy or underachieving. I grew up with two brothers - an older brother who is autistic, and a younger brother who has ADHD and is dyslexic and struggled in school; it seemed like I was always expected to be the honor roll student and would be berated for getting a single C in high school and exasperating my parents by doing my work but forgetting to turn it in. now, as an adult, I feel like I've missed out on so many opportunities to learn to cope with my struggles that could've been nipped in the bud. when I was examined by a neuropsychologist and was told (with my parents present) that my issues were in fact due to my ADHD, anxiety, and depression (all of which were caused or made worse by my bio mom doing meth and heroin while pregnant with me), and not because I was lazy (as my parents would often claim). it feels like so much understanding of neurodivergence is based solely on boys/amab people, and everyone else is rated by those standards which are oftentimes presented differently in afab people (for example, a majority of afab people with ADHD experience the inattentive presentation rather than hyperactive-impulsive or the combined presentation)
As someone who wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until she was 18, and wasn’t diagnosed with ASD until this year at 23, I can say I relate hardcore to what you’re describing your daughter went through. In particular the disorganization and how many adults (teachers and parents) would often accuse me of being in “La La Land” (a term I’ve come to loathe because of this) before getting corrected or felt like I was being yelled at for something I cannot control. As a kid you don’t know what’s going on with your brain, you can’t articulate it and you don’t have the resources or knowledge to even know where to begin; so you believe whatever you’re told and eventually it wears you down big time. I hope your daughter continues to get the help and support she needs, it makes a world of difference!
@Bok Choy all levels were tested a few years ago and were fine. She does have a thyroid condition so that was the first place to start. I've appreciated reading all of the comments to my post and understand the struggles of each of you. It's such a shame individuals are treated as text book cases and makes it harder to get answers and help sooner.
I started my journey last night. This is maybe the 40th video I've watched. It really struck home for me, so thank you. I took the quizzes, also. I scored off the charts, so I know I am on the right path.
My whole life started making so much more sense when I realized I was on the spectrum, masking and mirroring are some of the biggest things I struggle with, sometimes I feel like I'm only truly myself when I'm alone, I feel so fake when I'm around people and I can't stop it
I feel so exposed, relieved, terrified and comforted at at the same time. Thank you for this video. I honestly all those secret stems btw and I didn't know they were considered stems but suspected some other behaviors were.
And just as an FYI, it's "stims" but I noticed that the closed-captioning showed it as "stems" which could be misleading for anyone unfamiliar with the term.
Thank you for making this video! I recently confided with my Mom (who is ironically an EA working with children on the spectrum in schools) about how I may be on the Autism spectrum. I had hoped she would hear me out and be supportive, but instead I was completely dismissed and told "if you had Autism we would have known". Hopefully this video will help me better communicate my reasons to her.
I'm so sorry you weren't taken seriously💔 I'm actually afraid of sharing anything I'm learning with my parents for fear of not being taken seriously. I'm a 32 year old female.
Honestly, my feeling about people who don't believe us is that they have said unkind things about our behavior in the past (whether to our faces or behind our backs) and they don't want to have to feel guilty about it. Seriously. It's nothing to do with you; it's all about them avoiding feeling any discomfort.
I have smoked weed for a long time now and I’m trying to stop and somehow I ended up realizing I have autism. I first thought it was adhd but my adhd friend said he was boarder line autistic and so I kept on researching. My mom and I didn’t have a great relationship bc I smoked weed and now I’m getting her to see that it helps me.
@@ashildretzky This was revelatory. I was neglected and bullied by the cousins I grew up with and my parents either responded with anger at me for causing a bump in his life (my father) or denial (my mother, her relatives although she dislikes them, too). My mother still maintains that I had the best childhood ever ever ever. Wow. Thank you thank you.
This hits home I'm a 50 yr old woman and so much of this is spot on. My blinking was so bad as a child that they took me to the doctor who diagnosed it as stress. There are so many things that you mentioned that I identify with. Thank you
I’m wondering if anyone else out there did the same as I did: I became interested in Psychology; then when I went to college, I made myself socialize, used what I had learned from reading and observing others, and succeeded in making friends and getting dates. But it doesn’t come easy, or naturally. I have tended to have ‘weird’ friends like myself.😂 I still catch myself watching groups of people and analyzing their behavior.
I read so much popular psychology as a teen... Eventually went on to study Counselling, then a Masters in Social Work. So deep dive into socially acceptable special interest!
Everyone just treated me as an "angry child" who's efforts to control this anger was never enough for them. They used to confused my scared sadness for anger, so I think that was a part of it too. I alwasy just thought I was an over emotional, short tempered, weird kid
This happened a lot to me at school a lot when I had my 'fits.' Mine often came out as signs of rage. If someone was stressing me I would start to yelll, try to hit or throw objects near me until I was away from them. People reacting negativly or leaving me alone made it hurt more. I still cared about the people and the confusion and stress grew when I was left alone with it.
Because doing well in school was the marker for being well in my family, they never thought that I may have any "issues". I always just thought I've had extreme anxiety since around age 10, but now can see why that happened. I was pretty outgoing as a child, but once I turned 10, it's like something clicked for a lot of my peers socially that just didn't for me. While they more effortlessly formed their social circles I would try my best to pick one and integrate but it just would never work out. I had friends and surrounded myself with really kind people, but I was lacking a true connection with them leading me to feel isolated. I remember being in like 4th grade walking with a group of girls and I was constantly thinking, I should walk alongside them and match their walks, but I always ended up behind them, without any of them noticing. I figuratively and literally could not keep up with them. I was constantly masking throughout school by the last 2 years of high school I was completely burnt out and would just stay in a classroom and eat alone while doing homework. I really do like connecting with people and I love people. When I have a one on one conversation and it is going well I always get over excited and end up oversharing which I end up being jolted into noticing when I glimpse their face at something I say or starting to turn away to escape lol. I feel really bad about it, but I know people do like me because they view me as a genuine and honest person, they just know I am a little weird too. The people I connect to the most aren't necessarily the people who share my interests but people who make can easily deal with my changing energy levels and subject changes. The people I usually hate talking to is old people :( Not because I hate them but because I feel like I have to heavily mask my true self and it is exhausting. I've had problems with intimate interactions when I was just becoming an adult. I was heavily masking during my attempts at flirting and it was so exhausting, when it came time to trying sex for the first time or any subsequent first times with any particular person it caused me to be absolutely terrified. I wasn't just thinking about eye contact, and small talk, now I was having to worry about how my whole body was going to be interacting with another person. My heart always felt like it was going to explode. This led me to be a lot more passive, and unfortunately not having the capacity to get out of situations where I initially shared I was uncomfortable and wasn't ready and being coerced (basically ignored) because they thought I was just being shy. With my current long term relationship my partner gave green flags as he is good at reading my emotions and took things slow and would not pressure me and let me do things on my own time. Now I am much more comfortable and it is no longer a stressful experience and a pleasant intimate experience. One thing I do notice though is men think I am flirting when I am not, because when I talk to someone I end up masking in a way that they feel validated and appreciated which I guess a lot of men don't expect to feel from women unless they are interested. I haven't changed that aspect of myself but when they make advancements I have learned how to really clearly set boundaries to protect myself. The biggest tip I'd give to women with autism (or any women lol) in general is to really learn how to set boundaries and guidelines for how others are allowed to treat you. I feel a lot of us easily can fall into the people pleaser categories and it ends up with us being abused and or mistreated. That was one of the hardest things for me to learn and it still does not come to me naturally but I feel a lot safer now. I don't have a diagnosis but I am seeing a lot of these pre-social-conditioning traits in my toddler daughter (stimming, sensory overload, not easily integrating with her peers, prefers to play alone and will avoid group activities at all costs, speech delay). I also looked back and see a lot of certain traits in my mother despite us having very different upbringings and beliefs/values. I am still trying to get over the anxiety of starting therapy and committing to it, but when I do, I will seek a diagnosis and work with them to find healthier ways to navigate this fun ol' world.
Taylor, you are just adorable! I just love you for putting these videos together. It helps so much "to feel to be seen", as you say. I am learning a lot from you!
This is so comforting to hear since I am an afab person and I'm very sure that I am on the spectrum. I relate so hard to all of these things, from constant masking, to being the "gifted" child, to stims that I didn't even know counted as stims. I tried getting a diagnosis before, only to be told that I acted "normal enough" during testing. There were also times when I brought up potentially being autistic to some friends (who aren't my friends anymore) and they responded saying "don't insult yourself like that, you're perfectly normal!" But that was because I was forced to mask anything that made people uncomfortable at the cost of my own comfort and mental/physical health. Although I've been told I'm easy to get along with, I have a hard time keeping friends because of lack of ability to articulate my feelings and feeling uncomfortable being vulnerable. Because I've had little to no social life, it gave me a lot of time to focus on my special interests and school (which I did very well in although I'm not super interested in academics). My special interests give the same warmth and happiness as if I were spending time with a best friend, and when I think or talk about them, my heart flutters like I'm talking about a crush. Literally the best way I can describe my hyperfixations is that it's like having a crush on a topic, a piece of media, etc. Thank you for putting into words what I and so many others haven't been able to do before! It's so helpful!
OMG, the secret stimming. The hair twirling, the picking at your nail, biting your lip. All of those. When I was a kid I had a blanket that I loved because it had both smooth satin edging--so soft--and the sharp edge of the seam. It drove my mother nuts that I was constantly fiddling with that. I'm realizing now, as an adult, that so many of the things in my childhood (especially the things that my parents didn't understand about me and constantly tried to program out of me) are probably signs of autism that were just dismissed as being "sensitive" and "gifted"
Omg! You just described my childhood. My mom was gifted 2 identical baby blankets with me. There was only ONE for me. There was a spot on the satin edge that I'd rub. It was practically rubbed clear through. My parents accidentally packed the wrong blanket for a trip. They had to turn around. 😅
Mine is a pillowcase, the right stiff cotton kind. When I was a child, I fiddled with my school uniform skirt, especially if it was starched. It calms me.
I used to have long hair until my early 20s and would twirl it all the time. I literally couldn't stop, it was an obsession. would rather twirl my hair than write, or eat, or do anything else with my hands. Now it's short, but as soon as it gets to 'twirlable' length the obsession starts again. I am trying to think if I have replaced it with anything, i'm not sure, but nothing feels as good as the twirling, it makes my mouth water.
Omg I completely wore the seams off of my silky blanket I had to give it up at age 9 or 10 and didn’t sleep for 3 days. It was the only way to calm myself down
As a male, I do relate to many of the attributes you list here and on your other videos. Masking, copying & pasting, etc. As a male, I didn't get labeled as "sensitive", but as un-masculine by other boys (when I was a child, many many years ago). I simply couldn't figure out the "rules" of being a "normal" boy, so I'd try imitating other boys. That was a total disaster. Context is everything, and behaviour out of context makes one look stupid and weird to the NTs out there. Yup. I do relate.
Hi, Doona here. I’m a new subscriber. I really appreciate this opportunity to learn more about myself and others like myself. I’m 76 just diagnosed about 6& 1/2 years ago. I’m a retired disabled veteran. I’m so grateful to have learned what I’ve always been. Though many people fear this and have anxiety about being alone and so different from others around us. It helps me to know. Presently having great difficulties talking care of myself any more. I know no other women my age to help navigate this situation. It’s scary when you have no idea where to go for your needs that will listen to you with some comprehension and understanding add patience in there too. I’m actually buying books for my health care providers to read. Most don’t read the information or don’t comprehend it. Im losing the use of my limbs and going blind and deaf all at the same time. Everything feels distorted. Like living in a Salvador Daly painting but less extreme. I’ve had a rough life. From the start almost, because I was so different. People have been very violent towards me at times. I have two breaks in my back from being impulsive ADHD. Quite a combination. I don’t want anyone to think it’s been bad all the time. It hasn’t been a bad life at all. I’m well traveled and seen so much. Had a great job in the military and out. My exposure to so many different countries and cultures has been amazing. I’m so grateful for all the people I met in my travels. I was good at electronics. A technician on microwave radio telecommunications systems around the world. It’s a job that requires teamwork most of the time. I urge people like me to find jobs if you have trouble working with teams to pursue a solo career. I think you’d be happier in the long run doing so. I’m not a leader. I’m not balanced enough for that. I got good news yesterday that I finally qualify for in home care. But you have to be near collapse to get it. Be forewarned. As you age figure out how you want to live in old age. I’ve been like blown in the wind in a way. I just went where life took me. That was a mistake. Plan carefully. Save for it. Invent the ideas you think up. It may make this stage of life easier for you all. Get reliable understanding providers around you. That will really help you. Thank you for the earplugs you mentioned I’ll try it. By the way I don’t recommend military service to anyone on the spectrum. It didn’t work out well for me. Lots of damage both mentally and physically, very unpleasant group of people. Very unpleasant. Okay but now…
The secret stim hit me really hard. I used to pick at my eyebrows in middle school, high school, and even as an adult. It would always be when I'm stressed or bored or overwhelmed.
I often wiggle my foot now. Once in the waiting room at the veterinarians office, I realized I had been rocking forward and back for quite a while while watching the TV. There were other people there, and once I realized what I was doing, I stopped, but I admit I had found it relaxing. Also I pull my eye lashes out sometimes, which I hate.
I’ve never heard of this til now. I’m still sitting on the fence with all this, but definitely have quite a few of these traits. But suddenly two things I did as a kid have suddenly come to mind. I don’t know if they’re classed as swimming though… One was always biting my inside cheeks. Never to make them bleed though, but every bit of the flesh I could bite off, I did. - Like pruning a garden. Lol… I’m 65 now, and I’ve no interest in doing this now, and I probable haven’t done it for about 10 years. But I still checked them, before I went to the dentist this week. I was always conscious of trying to hide this from dentists throw out my life. The 2nd thing I did as a kid, which Mum took me to the doctor for, was screwing up my nose so my nostrils were blocked and swallowing, which made an internal clicking sound. I did this many, many times a day, so much so, that I became unaware of it. I also wonder if my love and obsession with the piano (up to 4 hours a day from a very young age) could have been a part of this. - It was definitely self-soothing when my parents weren’t getting on.
I pick at the skin of my feet to the point of bleeding and having excruciating pain walking. Sometimes I put huge band aids on my feet to cushion my feet and stop me from doing it. Usually happens when I’m very stressed and then sit on the couch relaxing. Once I start I can’t stop until my feet are shredded. I also can’t keep nail polish on my finger nails for more than a day, once there’s a chip I have to peel it all off (without polish remover). Anybody else do this?
Hi, I’ve just watched your video on childhood traits, and I strongly identified with many but not all of them. I turned 50 last year, and have felt wrong my entire life. I tried desperately to appear normal as a kid and as an adult feel I do a convincing job most of the time. As a result I am now mentally and physically exhausted and have reached yet another crisis point. I don’t know if I’m autistic, but your video has given me comfort and hope that I might one day find space to be ‘just me’. I’m crying as I write this 😢😂 …I cry a lot!Thank you for the great work you’re doing. Nat ❤
Thanks for making me feel less crazy and weird. Everything you said, was a description of my mind and life. I’m happy for the newer generations bc I suffered alone, cried a lot and made many mistakes for belonging to a generation that didn’t know about Autism.
Just discovering your channel and seeing this video for the first time now. The section on secret stims hit pretty hard. The nail picking especially - I've done that my whole life and it's always been labelled as a bad habit. But I've noticed that I do it a lot more when I'm stressed, nervous, overwhelmed, etc.... this has really made a lot click into place. Thank you for this video!!!
I relate to all of your items. I didn't realize I was on the spectrum until I was 67 years old. It has been such a relief to realize it's not "my fault".
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating this video. As a transgender man, I've made the mistake of looking for traits in males. But my brain has always functioned as AFAB so finding this really put some perspective on things. I was diagnosed not too long ago and this really helped me understand and accept myself. I actually thing this was the first time I could nod at every single trait and be like "Yeah, that sounds exactly like me" and that just makes me feel so much at peace with myself. So thank you.
I came here to say the same thing. I'm old enough that autism wasn't a thing when I was growing up and it never occurred to me that I could be until a few years ago. I knew that autism presents in AFAB differently, but had never found a good list.
This is sooooo relatable. Thank you! I'm 53, and have only in the last few months realized I'm autistic. I've done all the online assessments and consistently scored well above the cut off. I've been devouring every but of info I can find. I just finished reading Neurotribes. It's all a lot to process. Working on pursuing a formal diagnosis now. I'm in Canada.
I relate to everything on this list, and it definitely makes me feel very validated to know that there are so many other people who are like this too and there are communities for us!
Hi Elizabeth! You're welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I made a brief video with next steps that you might find helpful: ruclips.net/video/nQnvLKrFDkU/видео.html
Elizabeth, "me too!" I recently discovered myself while watching videos just like this, and it felt so ... liberating (?) that I broke down and blubbered through happy tears of relief when I told my husband. (Yep, my face is wet again right now!)
I’ve been masking my whole life and it’s exhausting! I feel now that I’m not alone, and I’m inspired to seek an official diagnosis to protect my best interests at work and relationships. Thank you so much for sharing!
The copy + paste one is fascinating! Lately I have been processing memories of myself doing this and all the shame I internalized from it. It's what I had started calling in recent years my "Empathy Machine". As I spend time with a person or in a culture, I unconsciously am also trying on their way of being, moving, or speaking, and seeing the world from their eyes. What's also part of this for me is dealing with the high masking I did up until around the age of 35, where I wasn't really sure who I was or how to "be me." I just wasn't aware that I was doing these things or that it might make other people feel threatened. The times I felt called out for this behavior have never left me. Now that I am no longer masking (for the most part) I am much more aware of when I am doing this and also know how to not lose connection to myself in the process of finding connection to another.
Thank you posting this video. I live in the UK, I am a 57 year old woman who only received an autism diagnosis a month ago. My family feel sorry for me, my Mom is struggling to deal with my diagnosis, but I'm overjoyed because I finally understand why I'm different and why I do what I do that is so different from other people around me. Your descriptions and more importantly how they can make us feel where so "light bulb" moment for me. ❣
yessss! I felt overjoyed too. That's why I share the things I do! I want to help others understand that an autism diagnosis isn't something to be mourned. It can be very life-enhancing.
The quote from Hannah @6:50 rings so true for me. I was recently assigned a new dr for my Adhd and decided after a few years of consideration I finally wanted to bring up getting an evaluation to see if I'm on the spectrum. He kind of scoffed and asked why I think I might be on the spectrum. I was having a bit of a brain fog struggling to remember the laundry list of reasons and examples and could only think to name a few minor ones. His response was "Well I don't see anything just by talking with you that would suggest you're on the spectrum. That's very different from say a little boy who repeatedly rewinds the same part of his favorite TV show over and over again." and suddenly I felt small and foolish even though I know there's much more to my behavior that aligns with info I've gathered over the years. In retrospect, I wish I would have told him "Well I'm neither little nor a boy" and better expressed the notable differences I've learned about how autism is different in women and how I've had a lifetime of practice of hiding these traits. But I was feeling more cornered than clever in the moment. I plan to compile notes to take with me so when I go back I can tell him with more confidence why I still think I should be evaluated instead of dismissed.
I hope you started that conversation by telling that doctor that his dismissive attitude is entirely unacceptable, and that he should retire if that's his general attitude towards helping people. At the least, he should let his patients know that he isn't able to do a competent mental evaluation so you can find a doctor who can. What a wet wipe. 😒
I always take notes into any of my appointments. Takes me numerous days to compile my questions and info to share. Your doc was dismissive unprofessional and unkind. Screw him.
my son and daughter present completely differently. Even after telling our GP about our daughter's recent diagnosis he was saying "but autism isn't present in females". There's a lot of education needed even amongst healthcare professionals...
the tv rewind thing really hit me in my core! i’ve always done this when i liked how a certain phrase sounds or a visual effect on the screen to the point where i’ll get stuck in a loop and replay that 10 second segment possibly 10-20 times, each time telling myself it is the last time. i’ve just recently started to put the pieces together that my sensory issues, lack of emotional expression, monotone voice, and extreme eye contact might actually mean i’m on the spectrum.
I absolutely, love the way you explain this subject. 🥰 My 17 year old son, a genius like his dad, diagnosed me when I was 58 years old. He gave me a test. I answered a question, “No, I don’t do that.” His response, “You totally do this.” I have never been honest with myself or my doctor, unaware, of course. My son has continued to tell me that my “ways” are autistic, such as, but not limited to, the texture of foods and clothing. Thanks so much for this information, you are spot on. I wish I’d have learned sooner.
I am a woman in my mid 50s and have been in therapy for over a year after becoming very ill. I was diagnosed with several brain aneurysms, left a coercive relationship of 26 years and am now recovering from brain surgery. My therapist has suggested I may also be on the autistic spectrum, so lots to get my head around. The content from Taylor has been really reassuring at a time when I have felt completely overwhelmed. I feel like I am starting to realize who I am for the first time. So much of this content chimes with me.
I'm still figuring out whether I have autism, depression, ADHD or bipolar disorder. 😵 I feel like I resonate with all of them completely. Life is hard. I appreciate your content. 💛
When you got to #10 for some reason my first thought was “but what if I’m gaslighting myself into believing that there’s a chance that I might be autistic but it’s actually a lie?” And then I realized exactly how little sense that makes.
Gaslighting can be a pretty deep-rooted issue! Gently becoming aware of when we do it is the first step. Once we can begin acknowledge when we're second guessing the information our body/mind is giving us, the practice gets easier and we start seeing transformation in our self confidence and overall health. Stick with it!! Your body is a trustworthy compass.
this could be the story of my life! I am now 67yrs and just done the autistic quotient test 35/50, now putting the dots together and say never too late to get to know oneself
Thank you so much for this video! After a conversation with my therapis, the subject of me being autistic came up and makes sense and seeing that I'm not the only one experiencing it is so nice and helps me understand things
This feels like a safe space but does anyone else sometimes have trouble initiating physical intimacy with your significant other? Flirting was easy to learn because of the immediate “copy & paste” tendency, but actually acting on intimacy is….. hard
I think an entire book could and maybe should be written on this subject. Letting anyone into my personal space is difficult, letting them into my physical space is painful and requires so much concentrated effort on my part that I am left exhausted and need to distance myself, which of course feels like rejection to my partner. I have been voluntarily celibate for over 10 years and find I am much happier and have less social anxiety because of this. I hope you are able to find a way that works for you. Thanks for opening up the subject.
I feel like I didn't use to...but I think it bc I was always drinking or something when I would initiate anything but now I don't drink and I feel so awkward trying to be affectionate or sexy lol. Then it brings me down so bad
@@MomontheSpectrum it can until it becomes the go to self protective mechanism and you numb yourself completely until you reach breaking point and suffer autistic burnout
This all makes so much sense about the way my life has unfolded. I found myself suffering from such sad feelings in the 70's when I was a teen. I didn't fit in anywhere, never have. No one even knew much about depression back then, much less autism. I have so many of the traits you have listed. SO many! 'm 69 now, and I feel that I might be understood for the first time ever. By people who actually feel like I do! Thank you!
When I was born in the ‘60s, if you weren’t basically catatonic or beating your head against a wall, you weren’t autistic. I was finally diagnosed last year at age 59. I’m so glad there’s so much information and support available now.
Diagnosed at 62
Wonderful! The trauma of living with this and abandoning the self for so long. Now finally finding acceptance. I knew I had ADD/ADHD, but got labeled by people with worse things then internalized that. I’m so glad that’s over now. I’m 53
So what’s the solution/ treatment? Can I live a normal life at this point?
@@livaallolia there is no "treatment" because it's just the brain wired differently. Just recognize that you aren't going to be like most people. You may not like to be in loud places, or in crowds, you may be interested in things that others aren't. You may chose to wear comfortable clothes over fashion. You may get exhausted by the end of the day of being at work. You may not be able to lead. You may be a good teacher. Relax. Find out what you CAN do; stop trying to do what tires you, makes you anxious, or exhausted.
@@shevawnbasye7404 i really appreciate your reply 🙏❤️I’m already exhausted living this life, on top of that I’m seeing spectrum symptoms in my daughter 😢don’t know how I’m going to cope with this
As a female on the spectrum you may feel constantly burnt out trying to be somebody, but not even understanding who it is you are trying to be. How true!
Wowww that is so me. About 4 years ago I started voicing this concern to my really close friend ( like my sister) I confide in her that I was feeling down and numb cause I feel like I’m constantly pretending. I’ve always felt this way a bit but over the last 8 years I had been feeling so guilty cause I couldn’t figure out why I can’t just enjoy things like a “normal” person. Like I feel fake when out in social settings. I feel like I have always been labeled the quirky friend. I’ve always been a bit of a oddball, though I never really thought that I was that weird. I think as a got older like I felt like maturing I had to hide/ mask pieces of myself. I think maybe that is why I’m feeling more dysphoric. Cause I don’t think I really changed inside but felt like who I am was no longer appropriate given my age.
The bane of my existence
@@shanzoni1200 wow, I can relate on so many levels. And going through the same thing. And it is exhausting to pretend all the time.
how did you just explain something i’ve been trying to explain for years
That is so spot on.
Secret stims : biting the inside of my mouth (almost constantly), finger tapping, finger drumming on parts of my body, rubbing fingertips together, body rocking (back & forth), foot shaking (when sitting)
Adding teeth grinding
Would chewing constantly on a pen be stimming?
I love your name!
@@yellowmellow4753 ------------ Autism is big buriness, lots of money and non-profits , especially for 2 parents .
@@karlaps3994 I think so
It was really hard not to cry watching this. I'm 33 and terrified to speak to my GP tomorrow but I'm finally taking the jump. Thank you so much for this video.
Hoping your appointment was a good one with your GP. If this one doesn’t listen - find another!
Mobbinng for Disabled people is going on even right-now. H-ck, theres literally conversations going on right-now about if its 'harmless fun' to trigger. I ask directly: want me to tell you where so you can side with the Bullied and against the Bullies?
I've cried thru the neurodivergent videos and the autism late diagnosis videos. I understand your statement and I fear the doctors so much that I'm trying to wrap my mind around that step. I'm 52. Don't wait.
I had an appointment a few weeks ago with a new GP and within 3 mins she asked me if I was on the spectrum? Wow! I had nothing thought about before but it has now opened up a new world for me.
@@JoseLuisDias-s4y It may be that your GP is on the spectrum, or maybe her child or family member has ASD and therefore she recognized something that looked familiar to her. PS I'm a retired MD with autism. There's lots of us.
When I was a child, I was a voracious reader with a fantastic memory. I actually mined fiction books for templates on how to behave “normally.” In situations I’d actually riffle through remembered books for a similar situations and act accordingly. I actually see the words in print in my mind and read them like a script: “She paused thoughtfully, then slowly shook her head…” The more I read, the bigger my masking database.
So interesting! Thanks for sharing!
I had to comment because you said you see the print in your mind and read it like a script. I also do that, but I've not expressed it to others because it sounded "too weird." Once in high school we had to memorize a soliloquy from Macbeth. I stood at the front of the class and began reeling the lines off but my eyes moved back and forth like I was reading it from a page. My classmates turned and looked at the back wall to make sure I wasn't reading from cards or something. Their movement made me stumble a bit. It was pretty distracting.
oh my GOD I did this and I still do this! I did and do the same with films. Just mirror the actors... I sometimes even use their words
@@julecaesara482 I still do it all the time, like netherworlde says, like reading off a teleprompter. Eye movements and all.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help.
4:36 1. increased difficulty navigating romantic relationships
5:45 2. internalized anxiety from constantly masking
7:22 3. Suppressing honesty to make others more comfortable
8:07 4. copy and paste behaviors
9:12 5. being labeled “sensitive” or “gifted.”
9:45 6. feeling depleted after social events
10:36 7. Secret Stims
11:46 8. Feeling more true to yourself in writing than in person
13:17 9. comfortable in leadership positions
13:51 10. good at gaslighting yourself
15:06 11. rich inner dialogue that you have difficulty articulating
15:49: 12. Fewer female friends/ preference for non-females
16:22 13. feeling really different from female peers
17:04 14. successful in school
17:33 15. socially appropriate special interests
18:21 16. awkward at flirting
Just thought I’d point out that some of these have at lot of overlap with social gender dysphoria symptoms, especially point 12 and 13. Especially when coupled with points 1-3 and 16.
So having some of these may or may not be related to autism.
Thank you!! And contrary to other commenter, I prefer being friends with males because they're just easier, they tend to say what they mean and mean what they say. Women I have Zero interest in romantically or sexually at all. A couple of times it seemed like a woman was making moves on me and I recoiled because that is not happening. In school, it bothered me that women were so shallow, concerned about whether or not their eye-shadow matched their blouse, I don't really wear makeup, that should be on the list. It's expensive, uncomfortable, takes too long to put on and take off .Some women are manipulative and I learned not to tell my best friends who I had a crush on, because next thing I knew THEY would be talking to the guy and he'd ask her out. I'm not into sports, but am a bit of a tomboy, like camping and hiking. I took woodworking and metal shop in high school, also took cooking and sewing and some kind of interior decorating thing. One of my special interests is Star Wars and Star Trek, but also doll collecting and miniatures.
When dating, I didn't know what to say, with small talk and so on. And that seemed to indicate to the guy that he should move in and kiss me. Not sure my more talkative friends had that problem.
Thank you
doing the lords work
1-2-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16... ESPECIALLY numbers 1 & 16. Which is probably why I don't find dating to be "fun." 🙄
The gaslighting one really hit uncomfortably close to home - I am dealing with this problem right now because I see people who are younger than me seemingly having their lives under control, and keep telling myself that I should be able to do all the stuff they do, too: find a job, have a stable relationship, live independently, socialize and do their laundry on top of it. Hearing that I should stop comparing myself to peers was important to me, so thank you!
You’re welcome! So glad you’re learning how to give yourself more compassion and understanding.
❤
I have felt behind essentially all my life, too. It didn’t help that others reinforced it by asking things like “why can’t you do a, b, and c etc etc”.
I always thought that gaslighting was something that was done to you, not something you did to yourself.
Same. I just cried... i'm not officially diagnosed. My close female friends are one after the other diagnosed autistic, and they are saying i am definitely part of the weirdo and proud of it community. Understanding slowly all my past, all my struggles...
Thank you for this video. ❤
I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but my psychiatrist and I are pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. I hadn't realized how much I have masked my entire life, without even realizing it sometimes. I was the extremely shy kid who got put into theater in middle school because my mom hoped it would help me come out of my shell. In college I majored in theater and eventually got 2 degrees in communication. I've literally been trained to act and mimic and mirror others in order to communicate or tell stories effectively. Unmasking has been difficult and at times more exhausting than just continuing to mask
We are vulnerable.
Also in theater, where I learned to 'fake it until you make it.' Peripherally, I was aware I was acting in different roles at school, work, etc. Don't know if I can unmask at this point - I've been doing this for 50 years!
This sounds so familiar... :( For me, masking feels like it ruined my life in many ways but I'm incapable of fully unmasking and I don't think I ever fully will. I don't know if that's good, bad, indifferent, or what but I don't really know how else to "be."
My psychatrist only wants to treat my long term depression and anxiety… even tho I told her most meds I’ve tried don’t actually help. I told her a doctor I saw before meeting with her asked me if I had xyz and I just looked at funny and got asked why she asked that. Didn’t really take me seriously. Now I’m afraid to even try to ask again for help. I have a hard time with knowing everything before I talk to someone yet when I’m there with them I can’t remember anything on my mental list. I feel like a paper list would help but I feel like they’d think I’m over exaggerating like everyone in my life has told me.
@@melanielee7266 I am finding out that many psychiatrists don't have enough knowledge about autism. Take several on line screening tests and then when you seek help again you can tell them the results. Also, it may be that you psychiatrist only wants to treat anxiety and depression because there's not really a treatment for autism.
I am a psychologist who specialized in adult autism. I have had a best friend for over 20 years. I just realized that she is on the spectrum. Making the leap to recognizing her as autistic was shocking. Yes, I was too close to diagnosis her but additionally, it is that difficult to diagnosis in females. I enjoy your talks. Thanks.
Very, very interesting insight. Gave me a lot to think about. I'm often stuck between telling people "my deal" of having Autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, anxiety, PTSD and wanting to be seen as normal...only to realize I'm not acting normal and should (over) explain myself which leaves me feeling ashamed, vulnerable, and afraid people will see all my weaknesses or differences and none of my strengths because frankly we are some of the most capable and interesting people in many ways, in our own ways, better than average even at many tasks. Or mistaking that I care so much about everything at all times at the same time that it makes me sweat and throw up either with large groups, individuals, or sitting alone at home, so I don't go on dates or social gatherings...or leave the house. Being misunderstood leads to depression especially when you're rejected by people who you opened up to and valued. It feels like always being alone, and it feels like my choice, my curse, my destiny to spare everyone around me from my quirks, and spare myself from losing yet another person. I get that everyone feels misunderstood, and the worst is when it's family wondering "what's wrong with her, why can't she be like her siblings, settle down, be successful, have kids".... But meanwhile, not one of them is living the life id choose for myself. 30..no kids..while all of my siblings are on second marriages, gave life to my 16 nieces and nephews..and if anything it's been a clear view of what I don't want for myself although I appreciate that they are happy. So I live vicariously through others, and decide to do the opposite of everyone around me. At the end of the day, solitude and divergence have taught me more about myself, and how much I love my heart and mind and respect my mental energy, physical body, and the integrity of my soul. Because no one can affect you with their judgements when you already accept yourself, and act with good intentions to be the best version of yourself day after day.. diagnosis mumbojumbo aside, we are all human, all different, and some of us don't hide it in order to feel accepted. The act of ACTING is simply not worth the agony of giving up who you are at your core. We are not broken. I'm more inclined to believe we are evolution perfecting itself, balancing the world and creating new perspectives.
@@That_Gypsy_Girl_Indy I will be 50 in a few months and have no kids and have never been married but my siblings (both younger) have kids and one is married while the other is separated from their common-law ex who is the mother of their son. Both my siblings have told me they do not want to hear "your whole life experience" when I talk ... and even my dad has said try talking less as people stop listening to you. No wonder why people talk over me all the time. :(
@@That_Gypsy_Girl_Indy loved every word of this! Hug.😘
I was diagnosed at 32 with ASD along with ADHD and specific learning difficulties. This made my school years extremely challenging. As I was a very quiet and compliant student and scraped by with c,s and d's they assumed this was all I was capable of. I was told by my teachers at my private school that they would prefer it if I didn't come back and complete year 11 and 12. The fact was I had fallen so far behind my peers I would have had to do the v-cal program in Victoria at the time which would take four years. I had already been held back in grade 1 for another year with no real be benifit. Took a toll on my self-esteem. Seemed ridiculous as I was never going to cope with uni and that's why you continue through to years 11 and 12. So I chose to leave after year 10. My disabilities are invisible to others and it does make it hard to hold down a job no matter how hard I try. I am divorced now with two beautiful girls Alyssa 7 years and Holly 5 years. Motherhood had given me real meaning in life. I had one close friend in primary school but lost her by high school and was unable to make another friendship since. My pets were my company through school and I am an animal lover.
Wow! I can’t find a place that diagnose adults. I’ve only found stuff for kids. How do you get diagnosed as an adult?
I was wondering if another trait (related to social awkwardness) is feeling more comfortable with people not of your own age group. As a young adult in my 20's and early 30's, I felt more comfortable with my mom's friends. Now as a mom who is nearly 50, I would rather chat with my daughter's friends and I don't really have friends my own age. I wonder if it has to do with social expectations and wanting to get away from them. I just find it hard to relate to people my own age and I 100% don't understand the desire to get together in groups and have small talk for hours (this would be torture for me). The only way that I would feel comfortable with a group of people for an extended time is if we had an activity to do together, like a game.
I relate to this on the other hand when in a group doing a project of any kind I tend to want to go longer than the NT. I am more detailed and focused on the quality of my work. So basically even if I am doing something new to me... I've already researched it and thought it out and my work ends up looking semi professional or intermediate than primary level first time try IF given enough time!
I have heard that friends of different ages are more common with Autistic people.
I’ve wondered that too. I always got on better with kids younger than me. But when I reached a certain age, it no longer became acceptable which was really confusing for me. And I really struggled to switch adults to not being higher figures of authority and to remove the rules around how I viewed them. University transitioning was especially hard for me, as I navigated both the new world of university and also work placements on my course. I couldn’t be comfortable around staff or communicate effectively. I had managed to stay in a little bubble my whole life - keeping the same friendship circle that I had since I was born - my cousin and my mum’s friend’s daughter who were in the same schools and year group as me. But I found it easier and more comfortable to communicate with children, in my teenage years, rather than those my own age. I would gravitate to “looking after the kids” in social situations. I would sit on the floor “to be polite and save chairs for others” at family gatherings, but I actually also preferred to be on the floor with children/pets and not sandwiched in between adult, small-talk conversations. Even still, a lot of people I meet guess my age to be about 8 years younger than I am because that’s how I come across. As if I have delayed progression and development in social growth/transitioning or something.
I agree that it is easier to meet up with people to do an activity together. Something planned. There’s something else to focus on and to break up the conversations and can help give excuses/opportunities to be able to talk to different people rather than get stuck in a boring conversation with just the person/people you end up sitting near. It also gives reason to communicate without making constant eye-contact, and often involves physically moving which helps reduce the need to stim/ struggle to sit still for long periods.
I think this is definitely true. I have both friends younger and older than myself. As a child especially I gelled more easily with older or younger humans
It absolutely is, even seen in autistic children, they will oftentimes struggle socializing with peers and gravitate toward adults
A family friend got diagnosed a few years ago and I told her that I suspect myself (38) to be on the spectrum. Her blunt response:“Yeah, I was waiting for the moment you figured that out“. There is a lack in resources for adults on the spectrum here in germany, so I have to wait a year for my first appointment. In the meantime I watch videos like yours and read trough the comment section and to be honest it‘s quite a blast to hear and read about traits and experiences that (finally) match my own. This means a lot, so thank you very much for making me feel less of an alien.
Thank you for your comment. Glad you’re here!
Do you wish your friend had suggested that she suspects you were autistic to you, or were you happy to come to the conclusion yourself?
As an Auslandsdeutscher, I find your experiences extremely sad. Autism runs in my family, and I have an uncle that is autistic, and have always considered myself as on the autism spectrum. My uncle was what used to be called an idiot-savant, and he could hear a song once, and then repeat it. He could not express what he wanted or needed, and became violent when this persisted. Eventually my grandmother was convinced by a doctor to allow the doctor to use electro-shock therapy on my uncle. It did not cure him, but he never sang again.
When I contrast that to the treatment my nieces (both on the autism spectrum) got in the UK, it is like chalk or cheese. It really does look like my niece will be able to build a normal like for herself, and in long conversation with her, the only really autistic trait she clearly showed was when she could not cope with a cycad's noise nearby.
I suspect that my daughter is also on the autism spectrum and was wondering - why is a diagnosis so important to you?
I relate pretty much to all the points Tay made, but much of the time it really is about finding a way to engage with the limitation in a way that transcends it ...
Once we have our own diagnosis our internal radar can spot our neuro divergent people faster than a speeding bullet. At 41 if I don’t get distracted I can usually identify lots of Neurodiverse people in a room
Hi Löwen Zahn, ich wurde selbst vor 3 Jahren diagnostiziert. Ich kenne eine Anlaufstelle, bei der es nicht so lange gedauert hat. Dies fand bei einer sehr kompetenten Ärztin statt, die selbst Autistin ist.
OMG! BOUNCING MY EFFING KNEE ALL THE TIME AND BITING MY LIPS!!!! I absolutely hated when people asked me to stop because I felt like I just couldn't help it....
I didn’t know nail biting, lip biting and hair twirling was stimming I do all of those lol
ME TOO, I HATE HATE HAAATE WHEN THEY TELL ME TO STOP BECAUSE I LOOK ODD.
@@BobaTeaBeechIt sure is if it helps you self-regulate!! Hair twirling is the beestttt!!
@@BobaTeaBeech or even scribbling on paper. People think it's disrespectful because I don't seem to be paying as much attention, but I may find the conversation too difficult to look at you in the eyes.
I remember vividly one of my teachers saying that I had an ability to adapt to each role that I had to perform in my life - student,sister, daughter etc. I never quite understood why that resonated so much until I realised I was autistic. To this day it’s one of the most eloquent descriptions of masking I have encountered
I’ve been called a “social chameleon” for my ability to converse with different social groups. I’m just now realizing there may have been some unconscious mirroring and masking happening there.
I have been questioning whether we can mask and not know. I said to a boss a few years back that I exhaust myself as a therapist. I feel extremely genuine but, it's not authentically how I present in my life. I am a high energy therapist. When I am presented with a person who may be aggressive or more scared and timid I tell people I can be furniture. But at home, I tend to be more withdrawn. I isolate, have significant sensory overload at times. Since high school after school I would go home and take a nap. I would be exhausted every day after school. And after work I tend to fall asleep in the chair at home. I have wondered can we mask, and still feel genuine to the situation (excited to interact with my client but more energetic than is my usual energy.) It's so hard to explain.
Oh my gosh.. that really hit me. This makes me realize things.. Could this be paired with an inability to switch between these roles (when you’re tired which is often tbh)?
Wow! I had no idea. This really resonates with me. I am 58 and just now learning I am neurodiverse. I knew I was ADHD, but the autism part is new. Finally I can be me.
BTW, COVID quarantine was a blessing as I require massive amounts of alone time yet when I would finally get in a social situation post COVID, my masking skills were totally gone. Now I flat refuse to get into any situation I know I am going to fail at. Unless compelled by a court of law I’ll never ever ever attend another event if I don’t want to.
@@melissaconaway1776 We can absolutely mask without being aware of masking - to a degree, in my experience.
I remember pre-school me going to my parents' mirror to practice facial expressions as I'd been told that my tone, my story/reported feelings etc., and facial expressions didn't match. So I made a conscious decision to change that, but I did not realize for like 20 years. I just figured that was how everyone learns emotional expression. ;D Also, NTs also mask, just usually in far less situations and often to a (much) lesser degree. So, due to all that, compounded with it not being a topic of conversation, I - like most humans, especially children, do - simply assumed that everyone did that on the inside. I would even argue that many of us subconsciously put on the mask and it's really hard to unmask (the mask keeps "magically" reappearing; it is a coping skill to keep us safe, or at least help us feel safer; we don't know how to; we are now a mosaic of mirrorred personalities and need to get to know our own unmasked self first, before we can show her (*my pronouns) to the world).
It reminds me a bit of learning that we can unintentionally manipulate. It's an unintentional action designed to get our way/help us out of necessity or an unmet need. I believe masking can be similar. :)
This is just one insight, my personal opinion. :)
The part about written communication was super interesting to me (an autistic afab person) because writing has always stressed me out way too much, and it can take me hours just to write an email. I definitely still prefer it over speaking since it does give me time to think and choose each word very deliberately. (It took me way too long to write this comment lol)
I think ideally we would be given as much time as we need to formulate words whether thru speaking or typing or some other way. We are just as smart we just sometimes need more time and patience. Like for all humans not just autistics. But for an autistic like you or me (sorry if that term offends autistic person if you may) the stress is real bcos of all the inputs and details! I totally feel you on this
oh dude i have like the exact same thing
I do this too. I will write an email and edit it over a period of 3 days before I send it. Other times I won't edit it but I won't have the confidence to send it until 3 days later without necessarily changing anything. I just find that I need confidence in what I am trying to convey and sometimes that takes time for me
I relate to the writing too, as I like to have time to formulate my thoughts. Sometimes when writing on these comments sections I will go back and edit, and re-edit, and... until I have said it exactly the way I want to. 🤪🤪
Oh yes. You are not alone!
I'm an 82-year-old female who is just realizing that I'm autistic, and my discovery is revolutionary! I've just finished writing a novel, called Untethered, to be released in August 2024 by Bold Strokes Books. It's quite autobiographical, takes place during and after a cruise in Indonesia, and features a woman very similar to me discovering my differences from neurotypical women. I relate to all sixteen of the points you make, and It's so freeing to finally begin to understand myself and be able to relate to my fourteen-year-old profoundly autistic grand-niece with much more understanding. Thank you so much for speaking up. Sarah Hendrickx's book on females with autism, published around 2015, has also helped me understand myself.
I wish you all the best!
If I remember I will look into it on release! ❤
i'd like to read it but it's only available on american amazon in august. will there be a kindle version for the eu/germany?
@@jewels3846 Hope you remember.
Thank you for sharing!! ❤
I came here because my daughter says she’s autistic, and I’m skeptical, but after watching I’m thinking we’re BOTH autistic.
Most likely
😂😂😂😂 hilarious
Agreed
why not just get tested?
@@dietlindvonhohenwald448idk if you have a teenager, but often times they say stuff as a joke out to mess with you, so before I make actual medical appointments, I try to learn a little more about stuff.
The thing you said about socially appropriate special interests also for me feels like masking. When I was a kid I remember my special interest was bugs, especially ants. I even wanted to be an entomologist at one point. But I gave it up because girls are supposed to think bugs are icky. Now I'm 29 and rediscovering my love of ants.
Go forth and pursue your ants!!
This is my daughter now! Bug obsessed and won’t be friends with anyone who expresses dislike toward any insect, especially hair nits 😂 She wants to be an animal rescuer. Enjoy getting back into ants!
@@tiggerbuttdelove your daughter sounds like a cool kid!
I’ve had some doubts about whether or not I’m autistic… but I definitely masked my interest in dragons and certain things that I wanted to draw. 🤔 This video has given me lots to think about!
i liked snails as a kid
Whoa. I always knew I was ADHD but mildly, but I've always felt different. People have said I was iconoclast or just avoided me. I'm 74 old woman and never have managed a successful long term relationship. I have always loved being alone much of the time. I just identify with so much of what you describe as symptoms. I am so grateful I stumbled on your channel. Thank you!!!
I'm 67 and have been living alone for over 10 years now. My last "relationship" was on and off with a drug addict for 20 years.
No one has ever been in love with me.
I'm recovering from surgery on my arm and I can't find any to help me with minor tasks around the house, such as changing the fitted sheet on my bed.
I was misdiagnosed for years. I wasn't diagnosed as on the spectrum until I was 60 and that was after I did my own research.
Wow, you two are so old :O. I’m not even 14 yet.
@@I_always_have_been_Daniel49 Honey, when we were your age, autism wasn't a thing, especially for women.
Omg... Shaking in my boots... This is too familiar to not be. And at 66 I'm freaking out and sighing for huge relief that I've discovering it's a real possibility I'm on the ASD!
Just WOW! So many of my issues and traits make sense. Definitely going to follow you and follow up on this. 😮
Heh. I was called iconoclastic last month.
This really helped me understand more about myself. I was just diagnosed (at 42!) by a psychiatrist who specializes in autism in adults. She actually took on my case because she wanted to potentially use me in her research. I’ve long expressed to people I never understood how to flirt or if someone was flirting with me, and that what is in my head never comes out right when I say it! And I’ve been complimented on my writing ability for decades, but that’s because I’m constantly editing. I do also note that as far as autistic traits go, one that you didn’t mention (or maybe I missed it?) is the tendency to overshare, which I definitely do. I either don’t talk at all to avoid small talk or I talk a lot about something I was just learning about or a special interest.
Omg. Definitely over-sharing is so relatable go me. When someone tells me a story I want all the details, not the general storyline (like if a friend is talking about a first date) so I try and tell my stories 100% but I can tell sometimes that some people would rather the short version 😭 so it’s something I’ve had to learn and it bothers me but I’ve learned to soothe my brain after😭
Omg, omg! Me too. I am 42 and I believe I have this, now I need to find out! I have done these things my whole life and what made me comment was that I've been told by everyone to give them the readers digest version of what I'm trying to tell them. But I can't. Yet, I'm fully aware. I can't help it.
😂 You're delightful & my twin. We are entertaining folks. There's that!
Yes, same here. I never knew (still don't) when someone is flirting with me. I always got "well didn't you know I liked you?" No, no I didn't, thought we were just friends. It kinda ruined me wanting to be friends with guys again. I would constantly be worried if this dude is with me cuz he sees me as his friend, or...😬
I just don't get females, and I'm female! And I'm tired of masking around other woman just to fit in. So, what do I do? 🤷🏽♀️😳🤔😂
What you say about editing in writing really gets me. In German class, I had bad grades in the range of 3-4 (1 being the best and 6 the worst in the German school system). Until at one test, I was allowed to write on a computer because I was having a carpal tunnel issue. I got a 1 at that test. It was no wonder to me: Editing is so easy on a computer, you don't get lost when the surface stays clean. The school psychologist then suggested me to skip every line in written tests. It worked wonders: Suddenly I mainly got 1's in German essays, with the occasional 2 in between.
Absolutely nailed me. I’m 80 yrs old and was miserable in school in social situations. Learned to cope as an adult, but people sometimes still look at me like I have two heads.And sometimes I act like it, lol.
It must be so so nice finding out that you aren't alone!
A lot of non autistic women feel this way and do these things.. The pressures put on women to be perfect at such a young age is insane. I feel for women who are autistic because this must be twice as hard.
Was about to post same - I think #7 was an outlier, but most women can relate to the rest regardless of diagnosis.
Hit the nail on the head. Women have it hard enough as is. As young girls we face a lot. I’m no longer identifying as a women (nonbinary) I didnt even know why I wasnt allowed to do half the things boys did. It was like “you should listen and do as I say and that’s why” or that bullshit “because I said so” instead of actually explaining carp to me. I always felt like I wasnt allowed to do so much because I was born with certain expectations. Having been born afab and all. My parents are great but also growing up catholic defs had some like issues. Strict parents/family but loving. I never felt fully comfortable. Turns out I’m not a woman and not straight. Thank god my parents dont mind. Nor my family. But it tyrns out I was being shoved in a box labeled female and didnt know that I had other options. I used to think “wow I feel strange. I dont feel like a woman. Must be the autism and general lack of acceptable social skills. I was confused. Then I realized who I was because I learned through friends of mine. My friend circle widened my world views so much and I learned so much about myself. Also turns out that a huge percentage of autistics are gay/queer/etc. a lot of my autistic friends are nor straight or not cis or questioning. And sometimes we feel like its just autism confusion. I didnt know I was pansexual. I didnt know what that was. That it was an option. All the girl crushes I had as a kid? I didnt like pay attention to that. Or rather I was so obtuse when it came to that part of myself. That when I realized I was pansexual I was already married (happy asf too) but I looked back ay my entire life and my young self who wanted to be Princess Garnet Til Alexandria oe Tifa Lockhart or whatever pretty character or actor I was low key obsessed with. I know I’m kinda rambling now but all these expectations happen and we dont always get a lot of options to take or we dont know there ARE EVEN ANY other options AT ALL. Like at all. And we’re left on like a very narrow road not knowing there are other side paths or roads we can take or that we can ditch roads all together and just wander and do our own. We dont have to follow the path laid for us. We we can make our own. Its like you are on a snow shoveled path but it feels restrictive. And suddenly one day, someone gives you a large shovel. Its heavy. Its hard to use. But you start making your own path. Eventually you get stronger and that shovel is easier to wield. You making your own path becomes natural. Its no longer such a huge struggle. That’s where I’m at right now. Making my own path for my own self. It took almost 3 decades to get here at all.
@@TheOneWifNoUsername o.o
Pressures put on women to be perfect? My ass. No girl raised in 2022 is being pressured into anything.
For women these behaviours are 'cute' and 'quirky' and 'acceptable' for guys the are 'dangerous' and 'odd' and 'unstable' - stop trying to generate sympathy for females when there isn't a problem
I am a newly diagnosed female with autism at the age of 50. My biggest challenge is finding people and groups dedicated to adult females with autism and low support needs.
Check out my connection groups!! Would love to have you and sounds like it might be exactly what you're looking for. I have some spots open in my December group. taylorheaton.as.me/schedule.php
I was diagnosed in my mid-40s, turning 50 soon! I really think that being born in the 60s, 70s gives one a different perspective on understanding one's experience. I'm still learning.
@@MomontheSpectrum would you consider NOT sharing an autism diagnosis? Could you talk about that?
In my situation, for example, "outing" an autism diagnosis would wreak havoc on my personal and professional life. Please spare me the acceptance speech - we're both old enough to know how broken this world is. I am sincerely asking wether people have tried this, or if they shared the diagnosis and regretted it afterwards, et c. Many countries make firing you harder if you have special needs or medical conditions. But they sure as heck will think twice when hiring then... It's a beautiful thing that a diagnosis helps kids get access to support, but as grown-ups, it doesn't work like that.
Also - legal ramifications if you HAVE an official diagnosis and 'fail' to disclose it e.g. in the hiring process or any other process where you want something.
I found out, by reading my own medical record, going to the heart doctor. I have no idea what it is.
@@janalu4067 I was diagnosed just a week ago. I've told only my closest friend. It will take a sign from God, maybe in writing, before I tell my family. For once in my life I'm going to take this very slow. Talk over each person with my friend, she has great insight, then think n pray about it some more. Right now I don't think Many people need to know. Definitely risk adverse. Best wishes on your journey😊
Im self diagnosed and watched a million of these videos and took all the tests like 6 times each. But i still feel like crying when i hear all these traits that make my whole life make sense. Thank you
I feel you!
Can you please share the tests you took?
I feel the same way. I also feel like crying when I read others comments and see that I am not alone. So many others share the same traits and struggles. Yet I don't seem to be able connect with others in my daily life. Is it because we are all trying so hard to seem "normal"?
@thanjallanza5238 going to work now. I will try to remember but u know how our memories are.
There was a lost of traits by a woman
Aspie quizes
The actual test that drs use
@lorilimper5429 i think it takes time. I actually really liked this person at work and people were bullying him. We really connected, then i found out he is autistic!
Im thinking when we come across them, we will automatically connect with them. I wish we had a secret sign, wave, to let each other know
Just diagnosed here at age 60 and happy to know, finally, that I'm just *like this* and there isn't anything bad about it. I was a weird little "gifted" kid, good in school, not very many female friends though and I'm so un-girly that at one point I was wondering how to ask my doctor about it. But it turned out to be that I can't communicate the way so many women and girls are socialized to do so: playing social games, dropping hints, whispering behind their hands, while I'd rather just be direct. This was so valuable. Thank you.
I’m much more comfortable texting than talking on the phone.
I pretty much only talk to my mom on the phone unless i absolutely have to. I also rarely text, but that is my preferred way to communicate for sure!
Most ppl do. It doesn't mean you're autistic. 🙄
Oh my goodness yes!
I am trying to work out how the multiple sclerosis lesions on various parts of my brain could have contributed to these characteristics. I also find that as my physical disability has increased, and so have the number of checkmarks for these particular characteristics you describe. Almost to a 180 degree turn around from who I felt I was a decade ago.
That's a smartphone generation thing, not just ASC
Diagnosed age 54 about 3 weeks ago now. I have 2 daughters who were diagnosed ages 14 & 12. Thanks 😊 we are in the UK 🇬🇧
Hi Moira! Glad you’re here.
Were you diagnosed via the NHS?
Diagnosed at 53 about a month ago. So many lightbulb moments.
How did you go about getting diagnosed? I'm sure I'm on the spectrum but I'm hearing it's really difficult to get a diagnosis (especially as I'm 'highly functional') 🤔
It can be a challenging journey. I got lucky and heard of someone close to where I live who specialized in diagnosing autistic adults. She is licensed in Texas and Colorado. Her name is Dr. Laura Sanders. I would also check out embrace-autism.com. They do online evals though I have not personally been through their process. Hope this is helpful! Glad you’re here.
I’ve always suspected my husband was autistic and through research I learned I had a lot of the signs of autism too. Writing has been huge in our communication. My husband would rather dig a tunnel to China than have a conversation about things that are bothering him (especially if it’s something someone said/did) but texting me “Hey I was uncomfortable when ___” or “I’m upset, I just need a minute” has been lifesaving for our marriage. A lot of people have laughed when they heard that’s how we communicate the big issues but it really is the perfect way for us. You can re-read what the other person said, address all the points, come to an agreement you can refer back to if you forget and you don’t have to worry about how you’re coming across. The feelings and tones and heat of the moment type comments are pretty much erased from the conversation.
I went to a psycholog for about a year, some 10 years ago. I would struggle to say out loud what I wanted to say or it would come out very flat and shortened. So I said: can I just write it down? I gave him a novel to read but it was what the info he needed to figure out how to help me. I just can't say it out loud. It gets stuck between my brain and my mouth.
@@mffmoniz2948 Same, we both are bursting to say what we want to say but are polar opposites when it comes to the approach. I always end up saying things way too harshly and over exaggerating to get my point across due to never being believed when I was younger and he always starts backpedaling and downplaying his side of the story if he says anything negative. There’s a lot of childhood trauma on both sides to do with communicating so we both agreed a lot needed to change when we started our family.
I appreciate you sharing this. Reassuring that writing or text is more common to communicate marital problems than I thought.
My husband and I did this too. It worked for me
I've always been horrible with communication in person... So many things that I want to say, but when I have the opportunity... There's crickets in my brain! My partner and even close friends all have come to expect novels/short stories from me via text/messenger... Because it's the best way for me to communicate ☺️... The real people will respect this!! People will try to have discussions in person, and I can kinda convey certain things... But at the end of the day, I need to write it out!!
This is so helpful! I started a fitness regime that includes headstands, I got sensory overload and put in my Loop earplugs and hung out on my head and it calmed me down...immediately memories of my as a young child hanging out upside down on my couch against the wall, watching tv, just chilling; or hanging out upside by my knees on monkey bars. I think this is a stim that I let go of when it was no longer for a teen and a woman to just...randomly stand on their head haha. I'm looking at my childhood different now
Stims: jiggling leg, individually tightening/loosing small finger or thigh muscles in a rhythmic pattern, silent repeated counting of tiles or room items
I do these EXACT same things!
Silently counting of tiles and room items is the most relatable thing ever..... you have just blown my mind
Following or counting patterns on curtains, wallpaper or carpets
I would never have thought of that as a stim
I always thought counting was part of having OCD but that could make sense as well.
Me too ! I thought I was just weird.
I thought it was just nervous energy or restless leg syndrome but now coupled with the other traits, it’s starting to come together wow
I would have avoided so much pain if I had've known that I was -actually- different. The lack of female friends hurts the most, the not knowing when people are flirting, being too sensitive, different than my family and friends. Thank you for sharing this!
You didn't miss much. I had neurotypical best friends growing up and all 3 of them ended up becoming abusive because they didn't understand me. I didn't fully understand myself then but im starting to. But a lifetime of emotional, mental and physical abuse due to my differences is hard to undo.
Same, hurts me so much.
I am considered attractive from what I've heard from people and that just adds up to having a hard time building connections.
"Fake it till you make it" has been a sentence constantly put into practice over the course of my life. I mask to the point where I don't recognize myself sometimes. I've recently been told that I seem very confident. What often gets overlooked by others (often neurotypical) is that I'm confident in situations where I know exactly what to expect and I don't do well at all in situations where I don't. I put on a front to lock my panic away and it's exhausting. I've been told before that I'm very blunt, for example, I still don't see why people take criticism personally. I just pointed out a mistake so it can be fixed... I was always labelled "shy" because I didn't have many friends or talked to many people. Looking back I know that I knew I was different and didn't even know how to start communicating with other children. Why would I want to when they thought I was weird anyways?
Thinking about it, I used to chew my hair, bite my nails and I kept clicking things like ball pens or if I had one that opened by twisting I would keep doing that for long periods of time while I listened to what the teacher was saying. Basically I was constantly moving my fingers if I didn't write.
I used to gaslight myself a lot more than I do now, but I still push way past my body giving signals that it needs to rest.
I still have a special interest in horses. "Completely normal", gets overlooked, but what my parents and most other people fail to see is the absolute need for the connection to a particular horse. I form a bond with and then fixate on them. It hit me really hard when the horse I was taking care of was sold when I was younger. It took me months to recover, I grieved her and I couldn't trust the people in charge again afterwards. Today, I own a dog and I take care of a horse of a friend 2 days a week. I need this connection to animals. They don't judge or care that I'm me, they love me regardless of neurotype or label.
Love of animals is an important trait as well! I resonate with a lot of other points you made here too.
I am the SAME growing up i had a big big interest for horses, in turn by literally watching all of those movies and shows like the saddle club, i have watched so many details to them riding that i was told i was a natural first time riding, years go by, i still love horses and it got to the point of crying and stimming when i seen them, i dont think that love for horses will ever go, i want to ride down the isle when i get married on a horse. Just a few years ago i went on a horse for the first time since i was 7 and instantly its like i knew how to ride my whole life.. im pretty sure im autistic and its just gotten overlooked by my adhd. The biggest thing i feel relatable with is when fellow neurodivergents say "We tend to quite literally feel like an alien because we dont feel we belong or fit in or like we are not human." and i never felt so relatable i felt like that since i was a little girl always. I never had many friends either, maybe 1 close close friend. My stims like flapping hands, biting my nails, cheeks, lips, moving my legs back and forth in my seat... it was all looked at as adhd.
No cause I know exactly what you mean. I have ADHD and maybe ASD. I wrote this on March 9th...
"Masking: Fake it till you make it.
When you’re a kid you’re told “fake it till you make it”. So you do. You stuff your quirks into boxes, hide your struggles behind curtains, and try your best to "make it".
Then one day you wake up and you’ve done it. You’ve made it. But you’re still faking. Only now every mistake must be a slight against someone, every confusion a joke to laugh at, and every ask for help deemed unnecessary. Cause no matter how far you pull back the curtain, no one will believe you’re faking.
You might have made it, but you’re a fraud. So you sit there and wonder: who really made it? Because it doesn’t feel like me."...
I also used to gaslight TONS myself and even still do some. For example, I'm currently sitting alone in my dorm room after a class that is always overstimulating, and I have a fluorescent light on which is burning my eye. But I "should" be able to sit here with the light on so I haven't turned it off.
I always try to do what I "should" instead of doing what's best for me. SO MUCH internalized ableism.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad you did! It is very relatable and powerfully said.
As someone on the spectrum as well, it's interesting to see someone so different then me yet similar.
Personally if you give me "criticism" if I don't ask for it, I'm gonna be mad at you. You may not get why, but if I don't ask for it, to me it should be obvious, but as someone also on the spectrum I know it's not that simple to you, I feel that way about a lot of things.
I don't like "criticism" because I don't believe it's criticism unless I want it, and verbally ask for it. I'm an artist and I draw how I like, I'm already hard enough on myself about my artistic mistakes, the last thing I need is someone else telling me what's wrong with it. Like I get it, it's not perfect, but I draw for fun, not for you.
Re: the inner dialogue thing - I don't know if I'm autistic, but when I was doing my visual art degree I once told my brother that if it was possible, my perfect artwork would be literally putting someone IN my brain to experience something the way I experienced it. He said it was the most narcissistic thing he'd ever heard lol 😂
I see his perspective but I thought no, I just struggle to communicate the way things can feel and it would be so much easier if someone could just *get it*
Such a brother thing to say, hah!
honestly ive felt this way all the time. people misunderstand me and i get in trouble often. Communication is exhausting
Do you find yourself over-explaining? So I learned that apparently autistic people tend to over-explain because they feel so much and don't know how to put it in words. I'm self-suspecting, and this thing has been a big part of my life.
@@arab6745 woah. I do that a lot as well and Im also self suspecting 😭 its like i have to explain the whole situation so when i finally explain my emotions it makes sense
@@LunarEclipseIsCoool exactly! I sometimes spend 10 minutes (or longer) talking about the context to say the thing that takes 2 minutes to say. I also tend to say what I want to say several times in different ways to make sure I conveyed it well.
For #13, I was part of the 'weird' group of girls in middle and high school. Basically, thinking back on it, we all had some form of either mental illness (one of my best friends was bi-polar) or were/are most likely on the spectrum. We never talked about our emotions that I can remember, and when we had sleepovers, we'd just play games and do silly stuff or, my favorite, we would go camping.
Two of them are still in the area and my friends still. Yay!
"I'm almost sure that WAS the name..." Yes! that's going on my band name list :D
In another video I recently watched one of the signs of being autistic was "having friends on the spectrum". People on the spectrum speak the same language, they understand each other, making it more likely for friendships to form.
I seemed to subconsciously make friends with others on the spectrum as a child. I suppose there was this comfort in knowing we were just as awkward as each other 😂
Yep, I got just generally “weird” rather than “sensitive” as the explanation for me when I was young. Took me ages to realize most people didn’t default to assuming that was a compliment lol
Same here. My best friend has ADHD, I’m highly suspecting myself as Autistic, and my ex friend of mine was.. strange. I’m not really sure what was up with her. I honestly couldn’t tell you. She struggled a lot in school and was behind. She acted extremely childish even all through high school. Like talking in a baby-type voice and everything
Actually, when my husband and I were first married, I was overwhelmed by the size and energy of his family. I actually went out for walks at family get together to cope.
I relate to this a lot. It was always acceptable for me to disappear into my room periodically during family events because I always did it. But my partner's family does not see it that way or understand.
I have 5 siblings. When I was a kid, when cousins or friends would come over, I'd hide in the closet with a book and a flashlight. Now, as an adult, I hide from the other teachers to eat my lunch so I won't have to make conversation. My (adult) daughter hides in back rooms when we get together with that side of the family for holidays. You're perfectly normal in my book.
I agree with the other commenter as well. I can only cope with being around other people in a social situation for a very short time ( I'm fine if no or limited social interaction is expected, like at a store). I would definitely prefer to be by myself and have chosen to escape or hide to get away from social gatherings.
Oh, me too. I'd disappear into a room on my own to get away from the sheer size of the crowd and pressure to be a "normally functioning adult". Nowadays it's easier because the gatherings are smaller and I already know everybody. And everybody kinda accepts that I sometimes disappear.
It's amazing the number of times I have to use the restroom during any social event.
I'm a 25 year old woman and have been unraveling my life through the lense of autism for the last 4 years, it's been enlightening and exhausting.
This list is so great, thank you for creating more content for people like me!
You’re so welcome Sidney! Thanks for sharing this here. Glad you’re a part of the community!
Oh my God! I can totally relate to all of it. But I have never ever thought myself to be on the spektrum. I just thought I always just have been a little “off”
And everything I know about autism is always described to fit boys and men. Thank a lot for this video! It is so much needed for women on the spektrum.
Hi Tay... I just discovered your channel today and have already subscribed. I am nearly 63 years old and received a diagnosis of high functioning autism one month before my 60th birthday. I had begun to suspect I may be on the spectrum at around the age of 50. During those years I spoke with three different psychologists/therapists about it and every one of them told me they 'don't see it in me.' One of them, a woman who's husband was on the spectrum, flat out, and very brusquely I might add, said, "I don't think you have it." I know now what they were really saying was, 'I don't see autism in you the way it presents in males.' Then one day I came across a list of autistic traits common to women and began to understand how differently it presents in females. So I contacted a qualified psychologist and was evaluated. That was the day my life finally started to make sense. Over the next days, weeks, and months, as I shared my diagnosis with family and friends, the most common response I got was, "OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh......... That makes so much sense!!!" I had one person ask me how having the diagnosis has benefited me. I realized, in that moment, that I now felt like it was OK to Just. Be. Me. To be the quirky, introverted, gardening nerd who really doesn't want to spend much time at all away from home. To be the artist who can work like crazy on a project for days at a time and then put all the art supplies away until the next burst of creativity comes along weeks, or maybe months, later. I have a loving supportive husband, wonderful sons, daughter's-in-law, and going on 9 grandchildren, and a small group of friends who love me for who I am, not who they think I should be. And while I do struggle with some aspects of autism, I've begun to see it as a blessing I would not want to live without. Thank you for what you are doing to help autism in females be better understood.
You’re welcome and thank you for your comment!
I have always known I was "different." I became scared to speak in high school because I always said the wrong thing and annoyed people with my thoughtless, brutal honesty. One minor, non-physical bullying incident in year 7 caused me to run to the library every tea break and lunch hour for the rest of my school life all the way through to year 12 to avoid being ridiculed in the playground.
This behaviour continued into the workplace where I chose to read books, write stories, draw, work out in the gym, or play table tennis with the boys from the engineering department during my breaks rather than talk to my female work colleagues in the lunch room. I learned from the one colleague I befriended - mainly because we shared an office and were forced to be together - that I was the object of ridicule and gossip because I chose to avoid them. I couldn't win. As a result, I built a distrust of female relationships and friendships, and I still today prefer the company of men - much simpler creatures to understand. I have a myriad of compulsive traits and analyse my own behaviour and emotions to death like I am my own science experiment with the brutal honesty I was denied in high school. I have this strange ability to see everything from everyone's point of view so I can work out why I piss some people off. I then beat myself up for it and promise I'll do better the next time.
The tests for me were inconclusive. The Aspie Test confused me because it doesn't state if you are one way or the other. It seems I'm an inbetweener and have both broader autism cluster and neurotypical traits - whatever that means. I was 28 for the Autism Spectrum Quotient Assessment. Not convinced, I took the Cat-Q and scored high at 133. I think years of personal development taught me to mask certain behaviours in social situations. This doesn't surprise me, as many of my friends don't think I'm autistic. Yet, I gravitate toward other autistic people because I somehow get them and why they do what they do. I am married to someone on the spectrum, so I see a lot of my behaviours, although not as obvious, are very similar.
I guess I have to accept I am just me, and I'm uniquely different. I suspect there are many on here who feel the same way.
Yes, I very much feel the same way! ❤
I found my autism traits first, but there were key things that didn't click. A couple years later, my goddaughter who reminds me so strongly of me as a kid was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I was like, nope, no way, there's no hyperactivity and my focus is second to none when something's interesting...
Then all the resources started to come out for ADHD presentation typical in females and so much clicked into place.
You may well be in a similar situation. I find there are ADHD traits that "normalise" some of my aspie traits... It helped me understand myself a lot more.
Last week I found the #AuDHD ... Still learning, grateful for the internet to find my tribe(s) though.
Yes! My late husband was definitely on the spectrum and that’s how I realized I might be, too. Really interesting.
Definitely not anything to do with Autism. Believe it or not many ppl. are just like you but they mask it. The bigger issue is not being strong enough to say to the world "This is me like it or not" and continue to be yourself regardless of other ppl. People will always want to talk about what is diff. and if you were diff. then you would be the topic of conversation. One very important thing in this world is being part of "the group". If you don't join in at least a few minutes just to appease them then you will certainly be viewed as different and they will probably think you are strange or think that you think yourself too highly but its bc they feel threatened not knowing who you are and what your thoughts are. Ppl. need to know you too to feel safe around you. If you share your feelings of shyness or need for more quite time then they would be more accepting. Nothing of what this video discussed has anything to do with Autism. It has more to do with having been taught to be pleasing and agreeable to others over your own self esteem leading to self rejection and feeling defeated.
That must have been really difficult, I'm sorry you had to experience that. I hope you have some friends these days who are understanding.
Thank you SO much for including AFAB as well in the title. As a trans man, it’s difficult for me to discern things related to health and psychology when they simply use the terms ‘male’ and ‘female’ because I don’t know what will or will not relate to me. Things regarding menstruations don’t relate to me because I haven’t had one in years due to taking testosterone. But then I wondered if there were certain ‘feminine’ traits that still stuck around in my brain/hormones/biology after transition but I never got a straight answer.
Thank you for your comment! And for being your true authentic self. 🏳️🌈
So much this! I'm a trans guy to and have the same problem. It's further complicated because I'm visually impaired, so it's hard to decern what is causing what and when. 😅 The reality is most likely everything all at once. lol
The nuances of how trans and NB people fit into these kinds of gendered patterns are really interesting. Is a gender-based difference neurological? Environmental? Hormonal? Does it change when someone transitions? Do trans folks' pre-transition experiences line up more with their AGAB, or with how they identify? If the symptoms change, does that happen when someone socially transitions but not medically, or when they medically transition but not socially, or do you need both? How do NB and intersex people fit into this? I have so many questions. But it's not the kind of question you can answer based on just a few case studies, because even in cis folks, the gender differences are more about averages and trends, compared to a clearly delineated binary. Idk [Marge Simpson meme] I just think it's neat!
@@Treegona Oh absolutely! There is literally no one definitive answer for all your questions because everyone’s experiences, genealogy and psychology are vastly different and unique. There have been plenty of ‘majority case’ answers through research and surveys, but they really aren’t a monolith for all people in the trans and non-binary group. But there are very similar patterns, emotions and neurological developments that help narrow down more solid answers regarding trans folk and non-binary folk. Also, I really enjoy your curiosity- it’s so refreshing against the bigotry I usually get. I enjoy people asking questions, it means they want to actually learn and understand. 👍
That would definitely make knowing the relevance of some info more difficult! Here’s some things I know that might be helpful? One is the importance of the first 1000 days (from the start of pregnancy to 2yrs) in development. And there’s some big differences in the way people are treated based on their perceived gender at that time. There’s one study about how people interact with infants more physically if they think they’re boys and more verbally if they think they’re girls which is both sad and interesting. It had nothing to do with the behaviour or actual sex of the infant, only the perceived sex. My friend’s an early childhood teacher and even by 1-3 yrs old, which is when kids usually first arrive, and she’s told me about how girls/afab kids are raised with higher expectations in terms of personal responsibility and responsibility for others. I also don’t think the trauma inflicted on girls/afab people can be underestimated, it’s so bad! Especially, TW sexual abuse, with the number of pedos and the amount of child on child sexual harassment and assault that is ignored and even encouraged by teachers and parents.
So yeah, my knowledge isn’t around gender identity that but that could be a starting point for tangible experiences that could affect you now, even if there’s differences in how it’s expressed for you? Sorry it’s lots of words, I tried to explain well bc I dealt with a lot of dysphoria and uncertainty about my gender so I know enough to know it’s complicated. Although I’ve been managing the dysphoria fairly well by handling it similarly to my other body image issues and in the end I decided to continue as a woman so that’s why I felt it was best to just focus on socialisation and early experiences. Hopefully others can be more helpful with how your gender expression could play into this!
The large gatherings of people just to have small talk, really resonated with me. I thought I was just an introvert. 😢
Or even small gatherings for "gossip"! I'm 82 and have learned so much over the years that I'm seldom considered even weird anymore. No diagnosis, but as a kid and teen I always felt like I hadn't received the social "instruction book" everyone else apparently was handed at birth. I also never understood friends' preoccupation with being liked as more important than being truthful. Never enjoyed small talk until I started running competitively in my 40s and at last had a subject I could small talk about! Always more comfortable in one to one conversations, even better in writing. Sudden bright light (e.g., parents waking me in mid-sleep) would set me screaming until it was turned off. Sudden very loud noises still do screaming to drown out TV att excessive volume). At parties as a younger adult, I would either hang around the food table, head for the book shelf, or play with any small kids in attendance. At my daughter's wedding 30 years ago, I hid out in the washroom to avoid the obligatory dance with the groom's father, as I'd never learned "social" dancing and hadn't been warned ahead of time.... I don't even feel that I can discuss this with my husband, who is even weirder than I in some ways and tutors a couple of Aspie young men, and often comments on how difficult it is for anyone with autism to conceive of /tolerate unresolved ambiguities ambiguities in material they're reading and analyzing, whereas I'm always noticing ambiguities and multiple possible approaches to problems....
I can't thank you enough for this video. I didn't realize so many of my "quirks" are possibly related to Autism. Hit the nail on the head for every single point. I was diagnosed with ADHD very late and have become a certifiable masker. So much to process but it confirms something I've been wondering for a few years. Next step, talk to my doc.
💓 you’re welcome. Thanks for your comment Jessica!
I was primarily diagnosed with ADHD. The ASD was a side diagnoses based on my responses to the MMPI. What I feel now is the inability to focus was related to the anxiety caused by the sensory issues from the ASD. I now wonder how many of my ADHD kids are actually ASD with poor coping skills.
@@MomontheSpectrumholy smokes this is a year old and you're worried about gender Kinder words that you're using correctly thank you
WOW! I am soon to be 67 years of age, and you just outlined my whole life. I never felt like I fit in, ever. I always feel calm being alone. I never understood how others wanted to be around big crowds. I never wanted to go to concerts or be involved with anything like that. I hate being around society because of the social games people play. I could go on and on, but there is not one thing that you mentioned that has not been a part of my life. And don't get me started on becoming involved in research for something I am interested in. I will read and investigate all I can until it all becomes redundant because I have exhausted all of the resources and everything is sounding the same as what I have already studied. I used to do this at a library before computers, so you can imagine how exhaustive my study is now. I never liked doing girly stuff and always felt more comfortable hanging out with guys, which also caused me to be sexually abused. You literally just did an overview of my life. Wow! I never knew. And I have two autistic grandsons from two different children. Is autism hereditary?
yes it can be hereditary. Thank you for sharing your experiences here! I am sorry to hear of some of the challenges you have faced, but glad to be connected to you and learn about our similarities! I'm glad you're here.
Yes over 60 percent hereditary
There are many inheritable genes that can contribute to autism so yes it is hereditary!
@@MomontheSpectrum your video made me cry and it’s hard to stop. It was so nice to be able to naturally relate to something when I usually don’t, at least not in the same way the majority of others relate to things. I’ve always been so painfully aware of how “odd” I am to others. Watching the video just felt like a comforting hug so thank you! 😭🤔😬☹️😳😩😱😔🤨😜🤓
Yes!!! And I can’t seem to stop offering to find resources for people, like I’ll research new cars if a friend is considering a purchase and I always pick out the places to stay, etc…
For the feeling depleted after social events part, I knew I had that, but when you said a sense of depression and lethargy, it made so much sense why every time I would hang out with someone or a lot of people, I would have a bad day the next day and just feel really down and lazy
Me Toooooo!!!!
Same here! I started to call them social hangovers and they happen even if I really enjoyed the event, which always confused me so much.
@@linesch2569yes! That describes me perfectly
bad enough that our mainstream society sees extroverts as the norm but now all introverts are on the spectrum?
@@finebetty7446 no, that was just something I related to and one of the 70 reasons I think I’m autistic. If there’s someone like that that doesn’t have many other symptoms they’re not on the spectrum but that combined with all my other symptoms could mean I am on the spectrum
Just diagnosed at nearly 40. I relate to all of this and it is really nice to hear someone else articulate all this. One strategy that I use is making lists of prompts and cues when I absolutely have to make a phone call. When I first contacted my Dr to investigate diagnosis I was very disappointed to be told, 'how could you possibly be autistic, you're a teacher'. The lack of understanding it astounding. I teach Science in a behavioural setting with very small class sizes and many of my students also have Autism. There are strong routines, my lessons are a structure i design and I operate within clear frameworks. It couldn't be more perfect as a job.
I’m 21, last year my 41 year old cousin who is a late diagnosed adhd female, she told me that I have adhd. Just 5 days ago when I was telling her overwhelmed I was for experience many different new emotions and feeling anxiety, she told me that she thinks I’m autistic with adhd overlap. She taught me a lot about neurodivergency in that 3.5hr phone call. She encouraged me to research autism in females, black females especially (of course we’re black lol). Doing all this research and learning about autism in females really opened my eyes, my life made a lot more sense. I keep having flashback of memories of me being clearly autistic with adhd and how people treated me. It honestly makes me sad. It feels like I’m grieving for my past self. But I’m also happy to learn more about myself and how to help. I bought myself Loop earplugs 4 months ago, and let me tell you… BEST INVESTMENT I’VE EVER MADE! I never knew how tense I was without them. I could feel myself being a lot calmer and my muscles relaxing when I have them in
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
I’ve always been diagnosed as ADHD with social anxiety. I was “gifted” in school since as early as I could be because I have high IQ and excelled in school. Becoming an adult and starting a corporate career, I really struggled with communication. This video is very spot on for who I am. Every single point. I’m in a leadership role, prefer writing communication, am gifted, spend every in-person social setting focused on my body language, eye contact, expressions, etc., gas light myself, copy and paste. I only started wondering if I was autistic recently, when my son was born and diagnosed as autistic. Social situations burn me out sooo much. Every night, after work, I come home and find myself hiding in my bedroom. It used to be hiding in the bathroom. It took me so long to get promoted in my job to a leadership role because of social communication being an issue. I’d meet with the boss and get so anxious, struggle with eye contact, etc. and every single aspect was held against me. They constantly found ways to expose me to situations that caused me to quickly find ways to mask my issues with eye contact and stimming at work to finally get where I wanted to be. It’s crazy how it all makes sense and frustrates me that the workplace made things so much harder for me and that people aren’t understanding of different neurotypes.
It's kind of reassuring to hear those points about lack of female friends. I've always felt so disconnected from female peers or even the expectations of femininity as a whole that I've questioned my own identity. Doesn't help that my interests were always more popular among boys. I've concluded that I am happy as a girl, but it almost feels like im looking into a club from outside through the windows, wishing I could be included even if I don't fit the "criteria".
Thank you for sharing this perspective here! If you stick around and look through the comment sections I’m sure you will find others who have shared this same sentiment here. Also I have a video about joining the ASDirect community on Discord. It’s the largest online autistic community and there are specific channels dedicated to gender exploration.
Maybe you’re just intelligent and don’t like superficial fluff. It certainly doesn’t make you any less feminine because you interests are different.
Yes male friends less problematic they’re less cliquey.
@@LS-mc2rv many of us are twice exceptional with IQs of 140 or above but Neurodiverse challenges too. That’s me.
Same
The colors you chose to wear all blend so beautifully, and your background is so calming, I appreciate the calm colors soo much!
I can not thank you enough for this video. Everything you said resonated with me. I am 70 years old and have just begun to suspect that Autism could be the reason for so much struggle in my life.
@Dr. Christopher Johnson Thank you for your message. I live in Ontario Canada.
@Dr. Christopher Johnson Hello. I was born here. I am very proud of my Country and realize how fortunate I am to live here.. the news of San Francisco is not good. But I know we can't believe everything we read. What do you think of Mr. Trump et al?
@@dr.christopherjohnson935 no I didn't receive anything from you until this morning.
I'm a male(24) but this past year I've come to realize that I resonate with so many, if not all, traits and problems of late-diagnosed autistic females. This video is the first time someone made me feel a little more included in the narrative, so thank you! I definitely understand why males generally aren't part of this narrative and that the lack of autism awareness concerning women is a serious problem, so I don't mean to criticize or disagree with it and will support this no matter what :)
I received my ASD diagnosis (asperger's back then) when I was 10, but my parents never really told me much about it and kind of discarded it. So it basically never happened and didn't find out about it until I recently reached such a low point in life mentally and started to find out the roots of it. From a very young age, my parents focussed on me having to excell at school and gymnastics. Also, no one in my family has ever bothered to at least get some info about autism, so every day I got punished, corrected, ridiculed and blamed for every autism-related behavior (at the time I wasn't aware of this of course). Their parenting style is also pretty authoritarian and low on emotional availability, which in the end resulted in my C-PTSD. Both of them come from families that care about achievements, money and status and I definitely felt the pressure to follow this path early on. So maybe I resonate with late-diagnosed women so much because I also dealt with having to be someone else at all times and always being at my best...
thank you for sharing this! I'm glad you're here
I'm sorry that happened to you. You deserved your folks to be present in you in your diagnosis, not blamed for it💜
Addendum I feel like this is also why a lot of males on the spectrum act out aggressively. They are steered away from emotional processing n regulating, into literally being told stop acting up now! Be a man! Especially in that authoritarian style. But that is my theory and based on personal reading and chats I have shared w men in my life :)
Mate I am so sorry you went through this. I have the same sentiment except I was 14 when I was diagnosed. I'm glad you were able to pull through & learn more about yourself. That shit is hard with a difficult family so I'm proud of you.
It makes sense that you relate to a lot of this!! I feel like in some ways it’s just a different external expression of the same internal differences. I had very authoritarian parents too and that’s one of the things I always point to as a reason for my masking. And I think girls in general experience more unfair power dynamics and abuse of that kind which could be why this is more common for us, and also why you relate even if the cause for you is specifically family and not more general, gendered mistreatment? I’m really sorry you were treated like this and I hope you’re in the process of healing!
writing out is so much better for me than actually talking it out
Yeah also I will often handwrite something out before I type it; I've just found that my ideas are more 'together' and honest that way, and less editing necessary
sometiems it just flows so logically and also gently
I am the same. I feel so much better and less anxious if I wrote everything down instead of talking. I find it very hard to explain things vocally.
My youngest brother was diagnosed with autism at a young age, and as he’s gotten older, I’ve become more aware of my own thoughts and behaviors. As a 25 year old just now exploring the idea that I could be on the spectrum, this video was really helpful and relatable for me. I’ve always been high functioning and was considered gifted as a child, but still felt really out of place. Listening to videos like this gave me the freedom to consider the idea that this is just me, and that that’s okay.
I just started watching this because I was thinking about my daughter, but as you went on in your list I started crying, because all 16 are things I've been doing or struggling with since I was a small child. All those years, and I didn't even know what was wrong. Like, I could NOT look at people in the eye, it took literally YEARS to be able to fake it, and yes, I mean fake it, because that masking thing, I do it ALL the time, too. Any kind of social situation with large gatherings, even not so large ones, leaves me exhausted for days or even WEEKS. When I went to my sisters wedding two years ago, I was gone for about a week, and it took me almost a MONTH to recuperate and feel calm and safe again. Sensory overload is a real problem, my imagination is so rich but I could never get those things out, I have no friends and can't even keep up with my two grown daughters and family because they all want to TALK and I write to communicate much better, I've actually developed a phobia of phones (I REALLY hate them), flirting is a lost cause, I've always gotten along better with men, I wasn't girly enough for my mom, I've been raped and molested many times over the course of my life, one instance leaving me permanently and badly disfigured and damaged in certain areas, and I could go on and on. I'm fifty-one years old, and I've been living with these things all my life. I've been diagnosed as Major Depressive disorder, Social and General Anxiety, Seasonal Effective Disorder, and several others, but NO ONE has ever looked at me for Autism. And now I just want to cry... all the YEARS ... I can't even speak.
I hope you are doing okay
Sending you compassion and a huge hug. You are important, you have value, and there is nothing wrong with you. I hope you've found someone safe and stable to speak with about this.
I can so relate with you. I am 70 and never talked to anyone about how I felt. I didn't know anything about autism until just months ago and I now finally realize what is wrong with me. I say wrong because I didn't fit in any place not even within my own family and thought there must be something wrong with me. At this point no one wants to believe I am on the spectrum. I hear, " everyone feels like that, you're no different than anyone else." Sometimes I'm just so tired of living in this world. I too was raped, at 16, and had a baby that was put up for adoption. No one asked if I was hurt when it finally became apparent I was pregnant. I was sent away to have the baby. I was also molested by my brother but I was too afraid to say anything. My mother was very abusive to me until I was 12 when one day she was hitting me so I started hitting her back and told to she had to quit hitting me and she did. I have to force myself to look people directly in the eyes mostly I look at their nose. I hate the phone and happy to have texting. I don't have friends and hate socializing even family gatherings are nerve racking. I found my daughter in 2019 through 23&me and I was so relieved to find she was alive and she grew up with good parents. I also found I had 4 grandchildren and great grandchildren. We had a gathering last year and it was interesting to see them, all the family resemblances but I just can't have a relationship with them it's too hard on me. I haven't told my daughter I believe I am autistic. I am sorry to be rambling on. I want to thank you for sharing a bit of your life and I understand you could go on and on, me too. Take care.
@@c-hawkins4358 First, I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love. Second, you did not ramble at all. Your path was not easy. Much of your story resonates with me. And, I too have been seeking to find out "what's wrong with me". Even though I know I'm not wrong (just different) that was the best, most simple vocabulary to describe how I felt. Perhaps you're like me ... if you just know the why, the how becomes easier because you know what you're dealing with. And can develop coping skills and have a set of rules or instructions for navigating the world more easily.
Your family may never adjust to your recent realization. To acknowledge that you are austitic is to take responsibility for not supporting you and perpetrating abuse upon a neurodivergent person who did nothing to deserve it. This will upset the status quo they've worked so hard to maintain, and many families (in this type of situation) are not strong enough to show remorse, apologize, and start down the long, hard road of making things right. This is not to excuse or relieve them of responsibility. It is simply the reality you face. They are not rejecting you; they are rejecting reality. And trying to hide from their transgressions. Once again, you were not (and are not) wrong and did nothing to deserve what you experienced. Your heart knows this, even as you carry the profound trauma you experienced.
Would it be helpful for you to talk with someone? Dr. Engelbrecht, whose website hosts embrace-autism.com/aspie-quiz/ (one of the resources Taylor provided above), was diagnosed with autism at 46. She has extensive training and experience in assessment, diagnosis and treatment of people on the austism spectrum. Just reviewing her website a few days ago (when I found this video for the first time) gave me a strong sense of peace and comfort. Although I don't yet have an appointment for an assessment (it may not be with her, but I know she and her team can make the necessary referrals), just knowing I may have some answers soon and a better understanding of "the why" encourages me.
All that said, my intent is not to 'fix' you or push you toward resolution and repair if you're not ready. Please know that I see you and believe you. May any path you take from here be for your highest possible good. May peace and joy soon be your constant companions.
@@amytrione1342 Thank you for your response. I think you have great insight. I have spent the last few hours taking tests and reading Dr. Engelbrecht website and learning a lot. I hope to find an internal peace, that would be a blessing. Love to you and your journey. You. are a wonderful person.
Wow - so I'm a 49-year-old female who is a director at my place of business, and I honestly was able to recognize every one of these traits in myself. I'm so tired, genuinely exhausted after a day of work - especially on days with lots of meetings - and didn't realize it was because of masking. My social calendar slowed WAY down during Covid, and I actually loved the quarantine because I wasn't burnt out from interacting with people.
After I listened to this, I can’t tell if I and all my friends are autistic, or if you just described the female human experience. I am also thinking this list seems to describe adults who were raised in emotionally neglectful environments.
I was thinking the exact same thing some years ago after watching an other video about presentation of autism in women/non-binary people. Turns out that my friend and I indeed are all neuro-divergent. And it makes sense, because we were relating with each other and feeling out of place in the "normal adult world", so we stuck together.
@@spiritofthemoonlessnight "Normal" or "normalized"?
One thing to keep in mind is that neurodivergent people tend to befriend others like them, so you could all be so. Another is that a lot of autistic afabs are late diagnosed and therefore not given any proper coping tools for their situation, which often results in a comorbid anxiety. In fact, a lof of afab autistics get diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder before they get diagnosed as being on the spectrum, that if they ever get that diagnostic even.
You had me at emotionally neglectful environments
Complex trauma from childhood abuse/neglect can have the same symptoms as other disorders. In therapy ADHD and Autistic behaviours came up, however we explored trauma as an explanation first. CPTSD explains all my behaviour and I relate to most of the list presented in this video. Hyper-vigilance presents itself in many ways that could seem autistic. Good news is that all this can be unlearnt as the trauma gets processed. Which would be a different experience if it were autism.
😢 I am only half way through this video and it made tear up 😢. You have been describing my life. Thank-you so much for your videos. ❤
I find one-on-one communication much harder than small group communication. It feels like being put under a microscope. In small groups, the attention is spread around and you don’t have to be the main discussion pilot.
I get that. In a group setting I can go mute if need be but one-on-one I can’t do that. It’s the having to keep the conversation going that gets to me
If it’s one-on-one, they’d better like one of the few things I like. 😂
I'm literally about to cry. The way you've explained this has opened my eyes to so much about myself I've been questioning "why" and not understanding and you've really opened something up for me here.. thank you ❤
I just bawled my eyes out, hard. I know exactly how you feel. I hope this self discovery journey is a liberating one for you.
I went to get a diagnosis for adhd back in November, ended up with a diagnosis of mild adhd and level one asd at age 21. This video is such a great tool to find different things we can experience as autistic individuals!
Thanks so much for the feedback! Please let me know if you have any suggestions for future videos.
I'm nonbinary (afab) and was diagnosed only a few days ago, high functioning end. All I kept thinking is this is so me!! I really love the way you carry yourself and how respectful and kind you are, I can tell you have a good heart. I wish I could've had someone like you as a teacher in school
I've been considering getting a psych eval for autism for awhile, after working in special ed for a couple years. Then my sister jokingly sent one of those spectrum tests to all the family... and I scored higher than her diagnosed brother-in-law.
So... I'm hoping to get the courage to make the call this summer.
Here is a quick video that may be helpful with next steps! ruclips.net/video/nQnvLKrFDkU/видео.html
That's awesome. How funny! Which which test did you use use, that your sister sent out? I've been collecting online quizzes and self-evaluation tools for a while as part of my ongoing pursuit of all the research and resources that might help me build my case with professionals I encounter who are still behind in their awareness and/or acceptance of the latest discoveries and understandings regarding non-male Autism Spectrum presentation.
My psychiatrist said hes not able to diagnose adult autism. That would be more so a psychologist? I keep asking what are psychiatrists for? Just checking my anxiety meds and prescribing them? Ive always been labeled as gifted especially in the artistic/crafty realm. Im realizing a stim i do or have done since i was little was fold fabric so theres a point and ran it across the palm of my hand which is very comforting. Or run my fingernails across the hem of my skirt,shirt whatever i have that has a thin nice fabric. No one notices. Its ticklish but calming. My imagination is beyond! I also doodle,draw,design in my head or on paper.
@@jetta.silence6356 I do something similar. I pull the fabric of my skirts (I only wear long skirts or long dresses) taut until it creates a pucker. Then I flip the pucker back and forth. Same thing with bedsheets.
As for the eval, I asked my GP and she suggested a clinic in town. It also happens to be the same clinic that one of my coworkers takes her autistic son to and she loves it. Thankfully, she's not one of *those* moms of autistic kids, so I trust her judgement. I do have to make the call myself though. So I'm waiting until the school I work for is out for the summer to do it.
I’m in the process of trying to get evaluated. The area in which I live doesn’t have anyone who tests adults. Every test I’ve taken on line puts me on the spectrum. The first time I was so surprised,I started taking other tests. They all came out the same. I really wish I could be included in things more, yet as I’m getting ready to go I start asking myself why am I doing this? And I look forward to the evening event being over. I often go to festivals by myself so I can look at things at my own speed and not be hampered by trying to keep socializing with someone while I’m looking around.
holy shit. So, my adult daughter diagnosed me as Aspb during the first lockdown, and I totally believe it to be true (she is 25, I am 57). So as you go through your list, I am thinking yeah, yeah, yeah, that's me, right, yeah, amen to #6, and then we get to stimming #7. And I first thought, Oh I don't do that, I must not really be autistic. Because I don't flop my hands around, except that I do when I am talking. But then, the holy shit moment, when you said something about constantly moving to dissipate the energy and I remembered what my husband and I were just talking about, how my feet are never still. Ever. My whole life. I am always jiggling my feet and flexing my toes. They are always moving. Sometimes I'd get into trouble in school for tap dancing under my desk. And if anyone asked me why I did that, I'd just say, Well, I have the get the nervous energy out. Laying in bed at night as a kid before I fell asleep, my legs would be all over the place; I thought of it as "bed dancing." So I think that's stimming, right?
O M G. I want to participate without being part of the herd. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! You are singing my life with your words.
I used to get so upset at work when the group didn't invite me to something and I would complain to me husband who'd reply, "They used to invite you all the time but you'd never go so they just don't bother to tell you anymore. " And I said, "EXACTLY, they KNOW I won't come but they could still get credit for inviting me and I would get to feel included." Even though I don't want to go . At all.
laying _what_ in bed? TNG.
I always dismissed this as restless leg syndrome, but I’m wondering if it’s my form of stimming too. I toss and turn quite a bit before falling asleep, then my legs takes over while I’m asleep. lol at the work invite thing, I’m the same - was annoyed my work colleagues were doing activities without asking me (but I’ve said no every time they’ve asked before so at some point they think they need to stop asking me -to avoid being a nuisance right)
I'd say ADHD... (goes together with autism a lot btw).
And not realizing that if you never act on an invitation, people will just stop asking you to come is just dumb. It is a learning process: why would you invite anyone to something you know they hate? That is also caring about you: respecting and learning your preferences. Stop being butt hurt.
I have to 'get the energy out' and it travels up my spine and I 'judder' it out my head. if that makes any sense, always done it, even as a child.
I’m a swayer I sway side to side always. I almost never sit down.
It's interesting, my adult daughter is on her journey of treatment for ADHD and possibly on the spectrum. I never would have thought she would have the diagnosis of ADHD as a child because I mainly looked at the hyperactivity part of it , which she wasn't, and it was never recognized by teachers, or anyone else. Now looking back I see she definitely had attention deficit, and it is what she especially struggles with as an adult. I chalked up the disorganization of her room and book bag as normal stuff (not everyone is neat) and seeming to be in la la land most of the time (an endearing term we would use). I always said she was two years behind her female classmates, and now understand why this was true. She functions perfectly at work, and was a good student (especially in primary and middle school) except for when any sort of organization came in. I now understand it so much more, the biggest thing how once she has used all her energy up at work, the rest of her day it's difficult to give even an ounce more of attention to anything at home. She was with a psychiatrist for 3 years and still trying to figure out medication and honestly we both felt hopeless. Now she has a new doc and we learned so much more at her intake appointment that will help and definitely feel more optimistic about treatment. This has been interesting to listen to as she was told it's possible she is on the spectrum as well.
It was interesting reading your comment. I was diagnosed when I was 9, something I'm really thankful for, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and your daughter. The years since the diagnosis have been hard, and I can completely understand the feeling of tiredness and not being able to do anything after work, it's how I feel most days after school. I sincerely hope that the proper help is found, and that you two find something that works.
I do have a couple tips for organizing, I'm not sure if they're helpful, but they help me.
Clothes are hard to hang up or fold, so get baskets on the ground, one for dirty, one for clothes she's worn but aren't dirty enough to wash, and as many baskets for all her other clothes.
If she has hobbies she enjoys, and the materials get everywhere and never cleaned up, you can buy drawstring bags that flatten out, then she can have all the items on there, then just pull the strings and boom, all neat and tidy. Another thing like this that works is a big lid, I have all my crafting materials on a big storage container lid that I slide under my bed when I'm done.
That's all I could think of at the moment, but I hope they were helpful
I was diagnosed when I was 4. It's the reason why it took so long for anyone to realize I also was Autistic. My inability to focus, hyperactivity, struggling to read (in a straight line), inability to write many words (I still struggle). I was at least 4 years behind in my learning. Then I was diagnosed as Autistic. I finally got more help which made things better. I'm still horrible at learning. I almost failed EVERY class I took. My highest grades was 56... I was a shit student 😅🥲
what kind of frustrates me is that many people think that just because someone isn't the typical picture of "hyper" (imagine a kid on a sugar high, for example), it automatically rules out the hyperactivity aspect of ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, and my inattentiveness, forgetfulness, and just not doing things, etc were all attributed to me being lazy or underachieving. I grew up with two brothers - an older brother who is autistic, and a younger brother who has ADHD and is dyslexic and struggled in school; it seemed like I was always expected to be the honor roll student and would be berated for getting a single C in high school and exasperating my parents by doing my work but forgetting to turn it in.
now, as an adult, I feel like I've missed out on so many opportunities to learn to cope with my struggles that could've been nipped in the bud. when I was examined by a neuropsychologist and was told (with my parents present) that my issues were in fact due to my ADHD, anxiety, and depression (all of which were caused or made worse by my bio mom doing meth and heroin while pregnant with me), and not because I was lazy (as my parents would often claim).
it feels like so much understanding of neurodivergence is based solely on boys/amab people, and everyone else is rated by those standards which are oftentimes presented differently in afab people (for example, a majority of afab people with ADHD experience the inattentive presentation rather than hyperactive-impulsive or the combined presentation)
As someone who wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until she was 18, and wasn’t diagnosed with ASD until this year at 23, I can say I relate hardcore to what you’re describing your daughter went through. In particular the disorganization and how many adults (teachers and parents) would often accuse me of being in “La La Land” (a term I’ve come to loathe because of this) before getting corrected or felt like I was being yelled at for something I cannot control. As a kid you don’t know what’s going on with your brain, you can’t articulate it and you don’t have the resources or knowledge to even know where to begin; so you believe whatever you’re told and eventually it wears you down big time. I hope your daughter continues to get the help and support she needs, it makes a world of difference!
@Bok Choy all levels were tested a few years ago and were fine. She does have a thyroid condition so that was the first place to start. I've appreciated reading all of the comments to my post and understand the struggles of each of you. It's such a shame individuals are treated as text book cases and makes it harder to get answers and help sooner.
I started my journey last night. This is maybe the 40th video I've watched. It really struck home for me, so thank you. I took the quizzes, also. I scored off the charts, so I know I am on the right path.
My whole life started making so much more sense when I realized I was on the spectrum, masking and mirroring are some of the biggest things I struggle with, sometimes I feel like I'm only truly myself when I'm alone, I feel so fake when I'm around people and I can't stop it
Yes I relate to this a lot too 🙌🏻 thanks for sharing
I feel so exposed, relieved, terrified and comforted at at the same time. Thank you for this video. I honestly all those secret stems btw and I didn't know they were considered stems but suspected some other behaviors were.
You’re welcome! Glad you’re here. Thanks for your comment.
And just as an FYI, it's "stims" but I noticed that the closed-captioning showed it as "stems" which could be misleading for anyone unfamiliar with the term.
Thank you for making this video! I recently confided with my Mom (who is ironically an EA working with children on the spectrum in schools) about how I may be on the Autism spectrum. I had hoped she would hear me out and be supportive, but instead I was completely dismissed and told "if you had Autism we would have known". Hopefully this video will help me better communicate my reasons to her.
I'm so sorry you weren't taken seriously💔
I'm actually afraid of sharing anything I'm learning with my parents for fear of not being taken seriously. I'm a 32 year old female.
Honestly, my feeling about people who don't believe us is that they have said unkind things about our behavior in the past (whether to our faces or behind our backs) and they don't want to have to feel guilty about it. Seriously. It's nothing to do with you; it's all about them avoiding feeling any discomfort.
I feel this!
I have smoked weed for a long time now and I’m trying to stop and somehow I ended up realizing I have autism. I first thought it was adhd but my adhd friend said he was boarder line autistic and so I kept on researching. My mom and I didn’t have a great relationship bc I smoked weed and now I’m getting her to see that it helps me.
@@ashildretzky This was revelatory. I was neglected and bullied by the cousins I grew up with and my parents either responded with anger at me for causing a bump in his life (my father) or denial (my mother, her relatives although she dislikes them, too). My mother still maintains that I had the best childhood ever ever ever. Wow. Thank you thank you.
This hits home I'm a 50 yr old woman and so much of this is spot on. My blinking was so bad as a child that they took me to the doctor who diagnosed it as stress. There are so many things that you mentioned that I identify with. Thank you
I’m wondering if anyone else out there did the same as I did: I became interested in Psychology; then when I went to college, I made myself socialize, used what I had learned from reading and observing others, and succeeded in making friends and getting dates. But it doesn’t come easy, or naturally. I have tended to have ‘weird’ friends like myself.😂 I still catch myself watching groups of people and analyzing their behavior.
I’ve talked with soooo many here who took a deep interest in psychology. Myself included!
Yup. I had friends, we were just always a bit on the outside, a bit unusual. I've been fascinated by psychology and sociology.
You literally just described myself :o
I read so much popular psychology as a teen... Eventually went on to study Counselling, then a Masters in Social Work. So deep dive into socially acceptable special interest!
I got a psychology degree. I think I majored in psychology just to try to understand myself and figure out people
Everyone just treated me as an "angry child" who's efforts to control this anger was never enough for them. They used to confused my scared sadness for anger, so I think that was a part of it too. I alwasy just thought I was an over emotional, short tempered, weird kid
❤️❤️❤️
whose
I can relate to this. ~ Anastacia in Cleveland
Me too
This happened a lot to me at school a lot when I had my 'fits.'
Mine often came out as signs of rage. If someone was stressing me I would start to yelll, try to hit or throw objects near me until I was away from them. People reacting negativly or leaving me alone made it hurt more. I still cared about the people and the confusion and stress grew when I was left alone with it.
Because doing well in school was the marker for being well in my family, they never thought that I may have any "issues". I always just thought I've had extreme anxiety since around age 10, but now can see why that happened. I was pretty outgoing as a child, but once I turned 10, it's like something clicked for a lot of my peers socially that just didn't for me.
While they more effortlessly formed their social circles I would try my best to pick one and integrate but it just would never work out. I had friends and surrounded myself with really kind people, but I was lacking a true connection with them leading me to feel isolated.
I remember being in like 4th grade walking with a group of girls and I was constantly thinking, I should walk alongside them and match their walks, but I always ended up behind them, without any of them noticing. I figuratively and literally could not keep up with them. I was constantly masking throughout school by the last 2 years of high school I was completely burnt out and would just stay in a classroom and eat alone while doing homework.
I really do like connecting with people and I love people. When I have a one on one conversation and it is going well I always get over excited and end up oversharing which I end up being jolted into noticing when I glimpse their face at something I say or starting to turn away to escape lol. I feel really bad about it, but I know people do like me because they view me as a genuine and honest person, they just know I am a little weird too. The people I connect to the most aren't necessarily the people who share my interests but people who make can easily deal with my changing energy levels and subject changes. The people I usually hate talking to is old people :( Not because I hate them but because I feel like I have to heavily mask my true self and it is exhausting.
I've had problems with intimate interactions when I was just becoming an adult. I was heavily masking during my attempts at flirting and it was so exhausting, when it came time to trying sex for the first time or any subsequent first times with any particular person it caused me to be absolutely terrified. I wasn't just thinking about eye contact, and small talk, now I was having to worry about how my whole body was going to be interacting with another person. My heart always felt like it was going to explode. This led me to be a lot more passive, and unfortunately not having the capacity to get out of situations where I initially shared I was uncomfortable and wasn't ready and being coerced (basically ignored) because they thought I was just being shy. With my current long term relationship my partner gave green flags as he is good at reading my emotions and took things slow and would not pressure me and let me do things on my own time. Now I am much more comfortable and it is no longer a stressful experience and a pleasant intimate experience.
One thing I do notice though is men think I am flirting when I am not, because when I talk to someone I end up masking in a way that they feel validated and appreciated which I guess a lot of men don't expect to feel from women unless they are interested. I haven't changed that aspect of myself but when they make advancements I have learned how to really clearly set boundaries to protect myself.
The biggest tip I'd give to women with autism (or any women lol) in general is to really learn how to set boundaries and guidelines for how others are allowed to treat you. I feel a lot of us easily can fall into the people pleaser categories and it ends up with us being abused and or mistreated. That was one of the hardest things for me to learn and it still does not come to me naturally but I feel a lot safer now.
I don't have a diagnosis but I am seeing a lot of these pre-social-conditioning traits in my toddler daughter (stimming, sensory overload, not easily integrating with her peers, prefers to play alone and will avoid group activities at all costs, speech delay). I also looked back and see a lot of certain traits in my mother despite us having very different upbringings and beliefs/values. I am still trying to get over the anxiety of starting therapy and committing to it, but when I do, I will seek a diagnosis and work with them to find healthier ways to navigate this fun ol' world.
Taylor, you are just adorable! I just love you for putting these videos together. It helps so much "to feel to be seen", as you say. I am learning a lot from you!
This is so comforting to hear since I am an afab person and I'm very sure that I am on the spectrum. I relate so hard to all of these things, from constant masking, to being the "gifted" child, to stims that I didn't even know counted as stims. I tried getting a diagnosis before, only to be told that I acted "normal enough" during testing. There were also times when I brought up potentially being autistic to some friends (who aren't my friends anymore) and they responded saying "don't insult yourself like that, you're perfectly normal!" But that was because I was forced to mask anything that made people uncomfortable at the cost of my own comfort and mental/physical health.
Although I've been told I'm easy to get along with, I have a hard time keeping friends because of lack of ability to articulate my feelings and feeling uncomfortable being vulnerable. Because I've had little to no social life, it gave me a lot of time to focus on my special interests and school (which I did very well in although I'm not super interested in academics). My special interests give the same warmth and happiness as if I were spending time with a best friend, and when I think or talk about them, my heart flutters like I'm talking about a crush. Literally the best way I can describe my hyperfixations is that it's like having a crush on a topic, a piece of media, etc.
Thank you for putting into words what I and so many others haven't been able to do before! It's so helpful!
OMG, the secret stimming. The hair twirling, the picking at your nail, biting your lip. All of those. When I was a kid I had a blanket that I loved because it had both smooth satin edging--so soft--and the sharp edge of the seam. It drove my mother nuts that I was constantly fiddling with that.
I'm realizing now, as an adult, that so many of the things in my childhood (especially the things that my parents didn't understand about me and constantly tried to program out of me) are probably signs of autism that were just dismissed as being "sensitive" and "gifted"
My blanket was blue. Loved the soft bit under the silky edge.
Omg! You just described my childhood. My mom was gifted 2 identical baby blankets with me. There was only ONE for me. There was a spot on the satin edge that I'd rub. It was practically rubbed clear through. My parents accidentally packed the wrong blanket for a trip. They had to turn around. 😅
Mine is a pillowcase, the right stiff cotton kind. When I was a child, I fiddled with my school uniform skirt, especially if it was starched. It calms me.
I used to have long hair until my early 20s and would twirl it all the time. I literally couldn't stop, it was an obsession. would rather twirl my hair than write, or eat, or do anything else with my hands. Now it's short, but as soon as it gets to 'twirlable' length the obsession starts again. I am trying to think if I have replaced it with anything, i'm not sure, but nothing feels as good as the twirling, it makes my mouth water.
Omg I completely wore the seams off of my silky blanket I had to give it up at age 9 or 10 and didn’t sleep for 3 days. It was the only way to calm myself down
As a male, I do relate to many of the attributes you list here and on your other videos. Masking, copying & pasting, etc. As a male, I didn't get labeled as "sensitive", but as un-masculine by other boys (when I was a child, many many years ago). I simply couldn't figure out the "rules" of being a "normal" boy, so I'd try imitating other boys. That was a total disaster. Context is everything, and behaviour out of context makes one look stupid and weird to the NTs out there. Yup. I do relate.
You express yourself beautifully in writing.
@beatrixinchrist3355get wrecked at your earliest convenience
@JulieHalo shut up and get lost, you lying moron
Hi, Doona here. I’m a new subscriber. I really appreciate this opportunity to learn more about myself and others like myself. I’m 76 just diagnosed about 6& 1/2 years ago. I’m a retired disabled veteran. I’m so grateful to have learned what I’ve always been. Though many people fear this and have anxiety about being alone and so different from others around us. It helps me to know. Presently having great difficulties talking care of myself any more. I know no other women my age to help navigate this situation. It’s scary when you have no idea where to go for your needs that will listen to you with some comprehension and understanding add patience in there too. I’m actually buying books for my health care providers to read. Most don’t read the information or don’t comprehend it. Im losing the use of my limbs and going blind and deaf all at the same time. Everything feels distorted. Like living in a Salvador Daly painting but less extreme. I’ve had a rough life. From the start almost, because I was so different. People have been very violent towards me at times. I have two breaks in my back from being impulsive ADHD. Quite a combination. I don’t want anyone to think it’s been bad all the time. It hasn’t been a bad life at all. I’m well traveled and seen so much. Had a great job in the military and out. My exposure to so many different countries and cultures has been amazing. I’m so grateful for all the people I met in my travels. I was good at electronics. A technician on microwave radio telecommunications systems around the world. It’s a job that requires teamwork most of the time. I urge people like me to find jobs if you have trouble working with teams to pursue a solo career. I think you’d be happier in the long run doing so. I’m not a leader. I’m not balanced enough for that. I got good news yesterday that I finally qualify for in home care. But you have to be near collapse to get it. Be forewarned. As you age figure out how you want to live in old age. I’ve been like blown in the wind in a way. I just went where life took me. That was a mistake. Plan carefully. Save for it. Invent the ideas you think up. It may make this stage of life easier for you all. Get reliable understanding providers around you. That will really help you. Thank you for the earplugs you mentioned I’ll try it. By the way I don’t recommend military service to anyone on the spectrum. It didn’t work out well for me. Lots of damage both mentally and physically, very unpleasant group of people. Very unpleasant. Okay but now…
The secret stim hit me really hard. I used to pick at my eyebrows in middle school, high school, and even as an adult. It would always be when I'm stressed or bored or overwhelmed.
I often wiggle my foot now. Once in the waiting room at the veterinarians office, I realized I had been rocking forward and back for quite a while while watching the TV. There were other people there, and once I realized what I was doing, I stopped, but I admit I had found it relaxing. Also I pull my eye lashes out sometimes, which I hate.
I’ve never heard of this til now. I’m still sitting on the fence with all this, but definitely have quite a few of these traits. But suddenly two things I did as a kid have suddenly come to mind. I don’t know if they’re classed as swimming though… One was always biting my inside cheeks. Never to make them bleed though, but every bit of the flesh I could bite off, I did. - Like pruning a garden. Lol… I’m 65 now, and I’ve no interest in doing this now, and I probable haven’t done it for about 10 years. But I still checked them, before I went to the dentist this week. I was always conscious of trying to hide this from dentists throw out my life. The 2nd thing I did as a kid, which Mum took me to the doctor for, was screwing up my nose so my nostrils were blocked and swallowing, which made an internal clicking sound. I did this many, many times a day, so much so, that I became unaware of it. I also wonder if my love and obsession with the piano (up to 4 hours a day from a very young age) could have been a part of this. - It was definitely self-soothing when my parents weren’t getting on.
I pick at the skin of my feet to the point of bleeding and having excruciating pain walking. Sometimes I put huge band aids on my feet to cushion my feet and stop me from doing it. Usually happens when I’m very stressed and then sit on the couch relaxing. Once I start I can’t stop until my feet are shredded. I also can’t keep nail polish on my finger nails for more than a day, once there’s a chip I have to peel it all off (without polish remover). Anybody else do this?
@@stephaniecook6094 hey :) there is a condition called dermatillomania, which it sounds like you might have
Hey :) There is a condition called trichotillomania which sounds similar to what you’re describing
Hi, I’ve just watched your video on childhood traits, and I strongly identified with many but not all of them. I turned 50 last year, and have felt wrong my entire life. I tried desperately to appear normal as a kid and as an adult feel I do a convincing job most of the time. As a result I am now mentally and physically exhausted and have reached yet another crisis point. I don’t know if I’m autistic, but your video has given me comfort and hope that I might one day find space to be ‘just me’. I’m crying as I write this 😢😂 …I cry a lot!Thank you for the great work you’re doing. Nat ❤
Thanks for making me feel less crazy and weird. Everything you said, was a description of my mind and life. I’m happy for the newer generations bc I suffered alone, cried a lot and made many mistakes for belonging to a generation that didn’t know about Autism.
Just discovering your channel and seeing this video for the first time now. The section on secret stims hit pretty hard. The nail picking especially - I've done that my whole life and it's always been labelled as a bad habit. But I've noticed that I do it a lot more when I'm stressed, nervous, overwhelmed, etc.... this has really made a lot click into place. Thank you for this video!!!
I relate to all of your items. I didn't realize I was on the spectrum until I was 67 years old. It has been such a relief to realize it's not "my fault".
Me too! 62 here and finally able to embrace my awkwardness.
I’m 60 and recognize my idiosyncrasies in these characteristics wow. My obsessive cheek biting and nail picking are actually stemming.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating this video. As a transgender man, I've made the mistake of looking for traits in males. But my brain has always functioned as AFAB so finding this really put some perspective on things. I was diagnosed not too long ago and this really helped me understand and accept myself. I actually thing this was the first time I could nod at every single trait and be like "Yeah, that sounds exactly like me" and that just makes me feel so much at peace with myself. So thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so glad the video was helpful to you. Sending love and light your way.
I know several cismale people who identify with "female autism." As long as you see yourself and it helps you, that's what matters.
I came here to say the same thing. I'm old enough that autism wasn't a thing when I was growing up and it never occurred to me that I could be until a few years ago. I knew that autism presents in AFAB differently, but had never found a good list.
This is sooooo relatable. Thank you! I'm 53, and have only in the last few months realized I'm autistic. I've done all the online assessments and consistently scored well above the cut off. I've been devouring every but of info I can find. I just finished reading Neurotribes. It's all a lot to process.
Working on pursuing a formal diagnosis now. I'm in Canada.
Hi Lara! Thanks so much for the feedback and for sharing your experience here!
Love that you are accepting your own truth and finding a path that works for you!
Thank you so much. 🙏🏼
Thank you for this. I can relate to a lot of it. I like the way you talk, not too hyper, but not monotone, it is just right in my opinion.
I relate to everything on this list, and it definitely makes me feel very validated to know that there are so many other people who are like this too and there are communities for us!
Feel free to join us today for a livestream discussion over this video! Friday at 3:00pm CST. ruclips.net/video/jsuSs60SAk0/видео.html
I'm literally in tears
I don't know the last time I felt this validated - Thank you
Hi Elizabeth! You're welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I made a brief video with next steps that you might find helpful: ruclips.net/video/nQnvLKrFDkU/видео.html
Elizabeth, "me too!"
I recently discovered myself while watching videos just like this, and it felt so ... liberating (?) that I broke down and blubbered through happy tears of relief when I told my husband. (Yep, my face is wet again right now!)
I’ve been masking my whole life and it’s exhausting! I feel now that I’m not alone, and I’m inspired to seek an official diagnosis to protect my best interests at work and relationships. Thank you so much for sharing!
The copy + paste one is fascinating! Lately I have been processing memories of myself doing this and all the shame I internalized from it. It's what I had started calling in recent years my "Empathy Machine". As I spend time with a person or in a culture, I unconsciously am also trying on their way of being, moving, or speaking, and seeing the world from their eyes. What's also part of this for me is dealing with the high masking I did up until around the age of 35, where I wasn't really sure who I was or how to "be me." I just wasn't aware that I was doing these things or that it might make other people feel threatened. The times I felt called out for this behavior have never left me. Now that I am no longer masking (for the most part) I am much more aware of when I am doing this and also know how to not lose connection to myself in the process of finding connection to another.
Thank you posting this video. I live in the UK, I am a 57 year old woman who only received an autism diagnosis a month ago. My family feel sorry for me, my Mom is struggling to deal with my diagnosis, but I'm overjoyed because I finally understand why I'm different and why I do what I do that is so different from other people around me. Your descriptions and more importantly how they can make us feel where so "light bulb" moment for me. ❣
Understanding yourself is one of the key goals to enlightenment in life
yessss! I felt overjoyed too. That's why I share the things I do! I want to help others understand that an autism diagnosis isn't something to be mourned. It can be very life-enhancing.
The quote from Hannah @6:50 rings so true for me. I was recently assigned a new dr for my Adhd and decided after a few years of consideration I finally wanted to bring up getting an evaluation to see if I'm on the spectrum. He kind of scoffed and asked why I think I might be on the spectrum. I was having a bit of a brain fog struggling to remember the laundry list of reasons and examples and could only think to name a few minor ones. His response was "Well I don't see anything just by talking with you that would suggest you're on the spectrum. That's very different from say a little boy who repeatedly rewinds the same part of his favorite TV show over and over again." and suddenly I felt small and foolish even though I know there's much more to my behavior that aligns with info I've gathered over the years. In retrospect, I wish I would have told him "Well I'm neither little nor a boy" and better expressed the notable differences I've learned about how autism is different in women and how I've had a lifetime of practice of hiding these traits. But I was feeling more cornered than clever in the moment. I plan to compile notes to take with me so when I go back I can tell him with more confidence why I still think I should be evaluated instead of dismissed.
I hope you started that conversation by telling that doctor that his dismissive attitude is entirely unacceptable, and that he should retire if that's his general attitude towards helping people. At the least, he should let his patients know that he isn't able to do a competent mental evaluation so you can find a doctor who can.
What a wet wipe. 😒
He sounds like a bad dr
I always take notes into any of my appointments. Takes me numerous days to compile my questions and info to share. Your doc was dismissive unprofessional and unkind. Screw him.
my son and daughter present completely differently. Even after telling our GP about our daughter's recent diagnosis he was saying "but autism isn't present in females". There's a lot of education needed even amongst healthcare professionals...
the tv rewind thing really hit me in my core! i’ve always done this when i liked how a certain phrase sounds or a visual effect on the screen to the point where i’ll get stuck in a loop and replay that 10 second segment possibly 10-20 times, each time telling myself it is the last time. i’ve just recently started to put the pieces together that my sensory issues, lack of emotional expression, monotone voice, and extreme eye contact might actually mean i’m on the spectrum.
I absolutely, love the way you explain this subject. 🥰 My 17 year old son, a genius like his dad, diagnosed me when I was 58 years old. He gave me a test. I answered a question, “No, I don’t do that.” His response, “You totally do this.” I have never been honest with myself or my doctor, unaware, of course. My son has continued to tell me that my “ways” are autistic, such as, but not limited to, the texture of foods and clothing. Thanks so much for this information, you are spot on. I wish I’d have learned sooner.
I am a woman in my mid 50s and have been in
therapy for over a year after becoming very ill. I was diagnosed with several brain aneurysms, left a coercive relationship of 26 years and am now recovering from brain surgery. My therapist has suggested I may also be on the autistic spectrum, so lots to get my head around. The content from Taylor has been really reassuring at a time when I have felt completely overwhelmed. I feel like I am starting to realize who I am for the first time. So much of this content chimes with me.
I'm still figuring out whether I have autism, depression, ADHD or bipolar disorder. 😵 I feel like I resonate with all of them completely. Life is hard. I appreciate your content. 💛
It's possible to have most or all of them. Depression, ADHD, and bipolar disorder are common comorbidities of autism.
When you got to #10 for some reason my first thought was “but what if I’m gaslighting myself into believing that there’s a chance that I might be autistic but it’s actually a lie?” And then I realized exactly how little sense that makes.
Gaslighting can be a pretty deep-rooted issue! Gently becoming aware of when we do it is the first step. Once we can begin acknowledge when we're second guessing the information our body/mind is giving us, the practice gets easier and we start seeing transformation in our self confidence and overall health. Stick with it!! Your body is a trustworthy compass.
this could be the story of my life! I am now 67yrs and just done the autistic quotient test 35/50, now putting the dots together and say never too late to get to know oneself
It’s life affirming and life changing we to have a diagnosis we finally have validation for our Neurodiversity
Thank you so much for this video! After a conversation with my therapis, the subject of me being autistic came up and makes sense and seeing that I'm not the only one experiencing it is so nice and helps me understand things
This feels like a safe space but does anyone else sometimes have trouble initiating physical intimacy with your significant other? Flirting was easy to learn because of the immediate “copy & paste” tendency, but actually acting on intimacy is….. hard
Yes! Can totally agree/relate to this comment. Thank you
Yep
Yeah definately
I think an entire book could and maybe should be written on this subject. Letting anyone into my personal space is difficult, letting them into my physical space is painful and requires so much concentrated effort on my part that I am left exhausted and need to distance myself, which of course feels like rejection to my partner. I have been voluntarily celibate for over 10 years and find I am much happier and have less social anxiety because of this. I hope you are able to find a way that works for you. Thanks for opening up the subject.
I feel like I didn't use to...but I think it bc I was always drinking or something when I would initiate anything but now I don't drink and I feel so awkward trying to be affectionate or sexy lol. Then it brings me down so bad
I really appreciate the easy to read captions and the way you present information so well! Thanks for sharing these experiences and traits. :)
Thank you so much for the feedback! Good to hear from you.
I know a lot of people talk about the negative aspects of masking but it’s something that has been so helpful to me.
Yes i feel it can be helpful in some situations too.
@@MomontheSpectrum it can until it becomes the go to self protective mechanism and you numb yourself completely until you reach breaking point and suffer autistic burnout
This all makes so much sense about the way my life has unfolded. I found myself suffering from such sad feelings in the 70's when I was a teen. I didn't fit in anywhere, never have. No one even knew much about depression back then, much less autism. I have so many of the traits you have listed. SO many! 'm 69 now, and I feel that I might be understood for the first time ever. By people who actually feel like I do! Thank you!