46 Phrases That Upset Autistic Brains
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2024
- In this video I'm sharing 46 phrases and questions that generally upset autistic individuals. This list is not intended to be used for diagnostic purposes and is just a fun way to explore life on the autism spectrum.
Is there another phrase you're thinking of that wasn't on the list? I'd love to read about it in the comments. 👇
📚 AUTISM CLASSES ON-DEMAND: www.momonthesp...
Download my 🟣 🟡 FREE Ultimate Guide to Understanding Autism 🟡 🟣 HERE 👉: taylorheaton.g...
🙀🌟 RESOURCES 🌟🕺
🕺Join an Autistic Connection Group: www.momonthesp...
💪 How to Unstuck-ify Your Life (PDF): taylorheaton.g...
📒 Meltdown Survival Guide: www.momonthesp...
🗂 FREE Big Autistic Resource Guide (BARG): taylorheaton.g...
🖥 Mom on the Spectrum website: www.momonthesp...
More Mom on the Spectrum Videos: / momonthespectrum
❤️ 🧡 💛 MY FAVORITE THINGS 💚 💙 💜
ONO Fidget Roller (affiliate link): bit.ly/3xLZnQY (use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout)
Flare Earbuds for Sensory Overwhelm (affiliate link): www.flareaudio...
Manta Weighted Sleep Mask (affiliate link): bit.ly/3n3l64I (use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout)
Weighted pillow (affiliate link): www.onequietmi... (Use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 15% off your order)
💃⭐️ FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA 🤠🎶
Instagram: / taylor_heaton_
Tiktok: / taylor_heaton_
📬 BUSINESS ADDRESS:
Taylor Heaton
8901 Tehama Ridge Parkway, Suite 127
PMB 680
Fort Worth, TX 76177
📧 Business inquiries: info@momonthespectrum.life
👏🏻 FREE 👏🏻 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT 🦾
🟥 SUBSCRIBE to the channel
🟧 LIKE the videos that are helpful to you
🟨 COMMENT in the comment section
🟩 Click the “bell” to be notified when I release new videos
DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, RUclips Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, RUclips channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿
You are a beautiful person worthy of love!
#latediagnosedautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult
Timestamps for you Tay. Thanks for this vid - I feel sooooo not alone!
2:31
1. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
3:03
2. Can you give me an example?
3:40
3. Because I said so!
3:57
4. That's just how it is.
4:10
5. What have you been up to?
4:30
6. Don't worry about it.
5:10
7. Brave is on a scale of 1 to 10
5:38
8. Do you see the big picture or focus on the small details?
6:01
9. Fake it till you make it.
6:21
10. How's it goin' / What's up?
6:44
11. Absolute expressions such as always or never.
7:15
12. We should get together sometime.
7:37
13. Where do you see yourself in five years?
7:54
14. What is the book you're reading about / what was the movie about?
8:17
15. You'll just know.
8:21
16. You'll figure it out by yourself / it's pretty self explanatory.
9:00
17. What's your favourite.....anything?
9:18
18. I'm so proud of you.
9:48
19. What do you want to do / eat / want?
11:10
20. You're awfully quiet.
11:26
21. Happy Birthday.
11:43
22. Just do it.
12:29
23. Inspired by true events / based on a true story.
12:46
24. Smile!
13:15
25. How would you evaluate your performance?
13:43
26. We're in town, can we stop by?
13:58
27. Would you listen?
14:16
28. How was your week / weekend?
14:47
29. What's new?
14:54
30. Why are you doing it that way?
15:24
31. Are you excited?!
15:39
32. How's this weather huh?
15:47
33. Would you rather....?
15:56
34. What are you thinking about?
16:35
35. No pain, no gain.
17:02
36. Neurospicy.
17:22
37. A touch of the 'tism.
17:33
38. Idioms / play it by ear.
18:09
39. Don't be so dramatic / you're too sensitive.
18:39
40. Everyone is a little autistic.
18:47
41. Have you tried meditation?
19:39
42. How can I help you?
19:54
43. Just a little longer / it'll only take a second.
20:05
44. Swearing / cursing.
20:29
45. Why can't you act normal?
20:35
46. How are you?
Wonderful!! Thank you so much for doing this @jakstrak
I’m sooo grateful that you made this timestamp list! I wasn’t sure that my autistic brain could handle hearing all 46 sequentially without exploding in frustration (from thinking about the things on the list!). Being able to skim the list and “be ready” for each was Sooo Helpful!! 🌸✨
Wow this was so sweet 😊
These lists are the BEST!
-AuDHDer
"How about a hug?"
How about no, creepy relative I haven't spoken to in 5 years?
"I'll drop by sometime tomorrow."
Seriously, eff all the way off basically you've doomed me to a whole day obsessing over what that means (today) and an unknown percentage of tomorrow obsessing over what it means WHILE staring at the front door and hearing every, tiny sound in existence because now, without permission, my ears are listening for you.
The WORST.
Ughhh that’s absolute torture when someone invites themselves into my space out of nowhere.
@@elizabethmcmurray968 Yes! The WIDE window of time... where I can't start doing anything lengthy because I might get interrupted at any time! That is the worst. I've come to just use it as an opportunity to do a bunch of small/short tasks while I'm waiting.
And if they show up at least it had a minimum sense.
Yeah. And even if you manage to get your friends and family on the same page, there are still times where you will need a plumber or electrician or something, and nearly everyone within those professions operate on a different plane of existence where time does not matter as a social construct for some reason lol
@@elizabethmcmurray968 I completely relate to this, plus the fact of having your autistic child asking you: mom, when are our friends coming? They said they'll come...
"You need to go out more and make friends". Socialising is the most stressful and exhausting thing for me and I am not myself, but act for the public in the way I think is expected.
I had a few friends in high school and afterwards found more friends with working retail. It was easier the older I got. Still need my me time. My mom is really cool cause she knew most of my friends growing up were guys since I listen to metal and played video games.
Is this even a thing people do? Like how would you go about doing it?
Is "making friends" even a thing you can do internationally?
This right here!
@@sanny8716 I'm currently in this same dilemma! After high school and years I'm down to 3 friends and for work none of them live anywhere near me. My closest friend in Texas I'm in Ohio, and she is great when she visits Ohio always makes time for me, but really she has small kids. I'm not going to burden her with the expectation to take time away from them. They are a billion times more important. So outside of a few Hope you are doing well thinking of you. Months between the time we speak, which is fine.
My other friends just busy doing their own life stuff I assume. When we do link up always pleasant. I wouldn't have even noticed, but my son just left the next and it made me recognize (stay at home mom) that I literally on a regular basis talk to 2 people.
I don't want like expectation to leave my home to go socialize. I don't really like that. Not a go drink wine type lady, but should outside support be something I should do? How do you even make friends at my age? Like your comment How? Implied!
That was funny. “Where do you see yourself in five years.” -“I don’t know I don’t know where I see myself in five minutes “ 😂😂😂❤
Yeah. I hate it when this is asked on job interviews! I get that it’s for the employer to see whether you want to progress in the job ladder like for a leadership role, but what if you really don’t know or don’t care?! Yet, if your honest answer is not any clear vision, you may not get the job because of it or among other ways you may answer these ridiculous questions! At least I’m not trying to go back to playing that game anymore, as rare as it was for me.
"I don't even know if I'll be alive in 5 years!"
I’m not a psychic. Is being clairvoyant a requirement for this position? - is what would probably be crossing my mind if asked that question.
I actually love “where do you see yourself in 5 years” because I love detailed planning and I love seeing potential pathways for achieving dreams. But this doesn’t work for job interviews because they don’t want this level of detail where I bust out my spreadsheets 😅
I noticed I didn’t like this question almost 40 years ago. I still don’t like it.
“What are you thinking?” My favorite answer is a line from Married With Children: “If I wanted everyone to know I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
I think thats a nice question giving us a chance to speak up when frozen if we wish.
If you've met one autistic person.....
My Dad went to the doctor, and the doctor asked him about his pain level by saying, "Pain?" My Dad said, "No thanks." It's one of my favorite things my Dad ever did.
I read this twice and then laughed uncontrollably 😅
At first I thought he didn't want to discuss the pain. Second I realized he answered literally 😂
I'm ADHD...suspected autistic too... currently discussing with therapist(for reference)
My humor just isn't funny to most people because what's funny to me never crossed their mind.
😂
@estherj.walker8658 this is the story of my life, especially in my teens.
😂😂😂😂😂
Zero stars wouldn't recommend haha
I always loved Mitch Hedberg's response to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question. "Celebrating the 5th anniversary of you asking me this question"
Hahaha I love this!
😂🤣Wow, that's hilarious; I'm rolling!
@@MomontheSpectrumso do I!
Yes 100%❤
“Just be yourself.”
But…I don’t know who that is.
@@funniful My sister has told me for years that I take on the characteristics of whatever friend I’m with at the moment, saying she doesn’t know who I am. Well me neither.
@@Sharon_54-w6u I do this too and I've always done it. I find it exceptionally difficult when mutual friends then meet each other and we're all together. I'm like "who should I be?"
@@MEver316 I understand.
EXACTLY!!!!! So much this. And I have a good friend that tells me this all the time. What if I tell her, I *am* being myself!
I don’t mask well at all and I can tell you that being yourself is almost universally a bad idea. Yeah, being myself means talking about my favorite stuff or talking about nothing. I’m pretty sure most people would not be happy with either of those.
The saying that riles me is, "You just need to" before giving a suggestion.
It's like the person has not considered that I may have done their suggestion or that I have considered it and decided not to do it. Thir suggestion also becomes a demand and makes the situation worse.
Self diagnosed at approximately 77 years old, I now have stage three dementia. Trying to sort all of the issues is difficult. Each of these phrases have given me anxiety throughout my life. The best thing that ever happened to me is discovering that I am an aspie. Free at last.
❤ to you ❤
Fight that Dementia! It could be reversible with lowering your insulin resistance. At least you're online and can research this. 🎉
I didn’t know you can still be that self-aware in stage 3 dementia. My grandma is going through it too and can’t be on her own anymore, plus she’s very frail as a 97-year-old. Someone ALWAYS has to be with her. I don’t know just stage she’s in exactly, but it’s more advanced than yours. She even forgets sometimes who I am. Hope you’re going through this as comfortably as possible ❤️🙏
I am sad and so happy for you. Free at last nails it, right? I was (officially) diagnosed shy before my 34th birthday. I researched it for around 1-2 years at that point. I always said "I lit up like a christmas tree in the tests". I had really high test results and she was baffled, why I wasn't diagnosed before
70 here, right there with ya, doing my damnedest to keep the dementia at bay.
And discovering the presence of autism was the most life altering diagnosis i have ever gotten. it's like having a large puzzle in front of you with hundreds of open spaces or pieces missing and someone covers the puzzle with hundreds of small semi-transparent beads that fill in all the blanks that you could never find an answer for. Suddenly everything from childhood forward makes sense.
"Why can't you act normal?" - "Because I'm not." That usually shuts things down pretty quickly - and if it doesn't, it's an interesting conversation starter. Obviously, that only works if you're comfortable talking about neurological differences, the double empathy problem and what they actually mean in practice... It has become my favorite answer to that particular question, though.
I tend to get this from my mom while I'm mid meltdown (usually from her already triggering me). I've gotten better at trying to disengage the conversation before it gets to that point, but sometimes there's a lot of persistence on her end and i just react/explode at her at some point
@@HayLeesHomeMade Expecting someone to play an act for your own comfort when they're already in a bad spot is both unreasonable and unrealistic. If anyone is unwilling to accept that and make an honest effort to show it, that's just outright toxic behavior (which is unfortunately somewhat common). Dealing with that kind of person is always tricky, especially if they're family - and worse still if you depend on that person to some extent.
Just say, "I was just trying to relate to you." Then move on with the conversation. If you act hurt, you can become a target. Find a humorous response to diffuse the situation.
"You need to relax" has been one of my triggers. (For context, I am AuDHD).
I was shocked this one wasn't on the list, it's so triggering for me
I know. It's such an insult.
Internally: I have just finished telling you I have an anxiety disorder, and this is your response???!!!??
I usually disclose that I have an anxiety disorder, what it can look like in my behaviour, and how I (and they can help me) deal with it, to my direct manager. It usually helps with communication issues, unless you have an @R$3 like my current boss who decides that means 'mentally incompetent'. AFTER telling me to relax 🤬🤬
My brain just went apoplectic at this one! Oh yes!!!
Another way of saying this that I’m often told is to “calm down.” Being told to calm down will not get me to calm down! No matter how many times I tell someone this very clearly that it doesn’t help, they still do it! Why 😖?!?!
"Change of plans..." and "it's a surprise" are both heartstopping phrases. No, I need to be pre-prepared!!!!
This is the first time I've heard the term "fear of being perceived," but I totally get that. When I was little I always got physically ill anytime I knew there was going to be attention on me. So like, birthdays, graduations, anything like that. I was sick on my birthday literally every year. If it was just a little attention, I managed. Like when I was part of the choir. But if I was the center of attention, I couldn't handle it. I was a very gifted singer in elementary school, and I kept getting assigned solos, so I was kind of like "the star" of the choir, which sounds conceited but that's how it was. I had to quit because of it.
I'm the exception because I'm autistic and I like to be the center of attention! I definitely get excited when my birthday is coming!
About "Have you tried meditation?"
Yes, I have! Every time I'm standing on one leg, holding my hands in this awkward position, and staring into empty space, I am meditating.
We (autistic people) call it stimming, and we do it all the time. It's you (allistic people) who call it awkward or irritating and want us to stop it.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. When I learned what meditation really is 8 years ago my first reaction was "I've naturally been doing this my whole life" Now I just do it more intentionally and more often 🧘
Exactly!
"Just be yourself" is a phrase that makes no sense to me. There are people that AREN'T themselves? how do I be myself if what I'm doing right now isn't myself???
Ironically, I really like explaining why I do things a certain way, usually I have a lengthy reason and categorization and prioritization of the ways something can be done. After about 2 sentences they regret asking me.
"Just be yourself" works great... if a) you know who in the world m 'yourself' is and what 'being yourself' means and b) 'yourself' is within the bounds of what's considered socially acceptable. Which, for me, it's sometimes one but rarely both.
It's logical, no? It means act how you would act if you don't think about it, or you can take it as "don't think, just act".
Don't be yourself around nt ppl .. you'll regret it. Esp at work
@@arab6745There are people who can act without thinking, and that’s a great skill/ ability. But there are some people who are thinking/ worrying/ stressing from the time they wake up to the time they fall asleep.
@@phoebebaker1575 I know, I'm one of those people.
So- "How the interview process is designed to root out neurodivergent individuals" got it 😅😭
Those questions are horrid... but you know before going to the interview that you will be asked them. So PREPARE your answers. Do the work beforehand. Know the examples you will give. Practice your answers. That's what people DO.
I do hate those styles of I terviews and I struggle in the prep but you feel so much better when you do, even if you don't pull it off so well in the interview. You need to show respect to the job amd company you're going to and prepare. All ppl need to do this it isnt about divegent/typical
@@HumanimalChannel So, usually it actually goes really well for me. Thankfully I've been blessed with what you might.. autistic rizz (You'll have to pardon me if that's a bit of a self-report)- but either way.
If and when I'm good, things go really really really well. But the second I get off my game it's like a dive bomb.
So, in the spirit of that.. Yes I will wholeheartedly agree in that rehearsal is a way to ease a bit of that anxiety.. My trouble is getting myself into the headspace where it flows like water.
(That is to say, _after_ I lose a job to mental health struggles- But that's a whole other story)
@@HumanimalChannel I need to prepare for my answers? Why? Why can't I just give my own authentic answers? Being real with certain questions that aren't easily answered? And I am very aware of why you're saying this, but then you're preparing yourself for a masked version of you, in order to give others, in this case a potential job giver, what they want to hear and see. And that is exactly not what I want. 😊
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My sarcastic (and mostly true) answer: "I'll be five years closer to retirement."
@@deejayshaun Ayy- I like your kit, what's the marker?
Going blank about my weekend? I thought I was simply forgetful but those memories are in the next room - give me a minute and I'll be back.
My go to answer is "taking it easy", because that's usually what I do. I do a lot of things, but I'm fairly sure nobody wants to hear about them, and what they want to hear I never do. So I have one answer for everything.
The same about my holidays. Taking it easy. People are happy with that.
To help those with interviews with the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question lol. An answer I always give that is always well received is "I've learned not to try and have too solid of an idea of where I want to be in the future. Life always brings unexpected opportunities. I just want to be happy with what I'm doing everyday and knowing I make a difference".
Good answer. I'll be using that one in the future. Thanks
@@katerailey524 of course 🤗
THAT'S BRILLIANT
Wow! That is a really great response! I’m going to remember that one. Thank you so much! ❤
@@lukaslykus9599 happy to help!
For me, the worst thing for someone to say to me is- calm down! If I'm upset, telling me to "calm down" will get me to instantly melt down.
Yes. Why don't more people get that?
or upset as in crying, people telling me to collect myself is NOT HELPING. I am allowed to cry, its an emotion. Oh and I cannot talk when I am crying, therefore when someone asks why are you crying or are you ok, or what is wrong? I just cannot answer until I am ready.
Ugh. The guys who say this (and they're almost always guys, talking to a woman) are the ones teasing, belittling, condescending, talking over you, basically treating you like garbage. And then they're oh so surprised that you don't like it!
You want me to calm down? Stop ticking me off! I wouldn't be upset if you weren't being a jerk!
100%!
And if I'm not upset, it's gonna make me upset!
"We need to talk." or any unscheduled or unpredictable meetings.
Ahh I think one stresses EVERYONE out, that usually means something urgent and something you do not want to hear.
A great opportunity for some form of brain freeze!
I hate when I'm asked if I have plans for the weekend. If I tell them what I actually plan to do, they might want to join me. (I don't want that), but if I say I don't have plans, they might invite me to something (which I also don't want).
Tell them you have a doctor appointment. Then see how long it takes them to ask how you always have doctor appointments on the weekends.
😂🤣😂🤣😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼♥️♥️♥️♥️. It’s taken me many, many years to learn I can just say “Yes” without telling people what I am going to be doing. Less is more when it comes to providing information about myself.
I just answer "Oh, I have been really busy and stressed lately, so I am taking the whole weekend to veg out and relax by myself." They can't really invite themselves to that (if they tried you can politely say no and everyone else would understand) and if they invite you to do something (because they were going to anyway), you now have a polite excuse and can say you may be free in a few weeks to do a little something (like a lunch or tea time in 1-2 weekends, at a specific time frame with a "I have to leave by x time"). That way you aren't "rude" by declining, you aren't lying (I am assuming you are stressed and do need/want time to yourself) and you still keep the door open for a small planned event with enough time to not feel last minute and stressful and a specific timeframe so you don't have all that stress from waiting or planning or staying too long. I typically have Saturday 11-1 for my go to start time, and three hours the max length. I just tell people that is the time I try to keep free for friend stuff on the regular. If they have a different time, they need to give me extra time to plan.
I say I don’t know yet or I am too busy.
Do like going to events. I love events that have music or art. I go with my husband or group of friends I trust. Same with Black Friday. It’s so crazy that day. I love going but not alone.
@@annieclaire2348"Less is more (...) information about myself."
So I take it that you don't have a problem with "oversharing"...
My go-to response to “how are you?” is “pretty good, under the circumstances”
But my most hated question to answer is “what do you do?”
My heart sinks every time it’s asked
My usual reaction is a question: "which domain do you want to know? What pay the bills or as a hobby or as a passion or on a lazy Sunday?"
Ooo, I like that a lot! Thank you!@@carol-lynneodriscoll4604
I "faked it till I made it" for more than three decades, and it resulted in me crashing and entering a severely depressed state that has lasted almost two years and counting.
Also, I was never even close to "making it" 😂
Absolutely. I was thinking just before I read this that for me it is "Fake it until... I don't know because faking it has been my whole life."
Literally still over here waiting on the “make it” part 🤔
Same here, now I have walls so high almost no one can see in and a mask that’s impossible to take off unless I’m alone.
Duuuude me to!
I hate that phrase because I cannot lie. So I never fake it and feel that someone is incredibly dishonest when I discover they have lied. I do realize many NT people do not consider this to by lying.
"i'm proud of you" can be a pretty loaded phrase. for me personally, i love hearing it. no one's been proud of me since i was like 5, so hearing it as an adult, from my partner, when i truly have put in a lot of effort to accomplish something difficult, is actually very helpful to me.
Idk if it make sense what I feel: Hearing it from your partner = You know my struggles and I am so happy that you see progress !
Hearing it from anyone else = NOOO ! Stop. lol... Why you are even proud? ain't that a bit creepy? Suddenly I feel like my whole life has been stalked by a stranger LOL !
I know the feeling, took me until I was 20 before my parents gave any sort of praise like that it really screws you up and butchers your self-confidence. They’re better now but it feels like they were only proud of me once I started acting like an adult.
My massage therapist, who is the sweetest, most gentle human on earth, told me last week she was proud of me for working on my pain triggers. I don’t think anyone has ever said “I’m proud of you” to me before. The tears just flowed…
We often memorize scripts to handle inane questions. When someone says, “What’s up?”, my autistic husband says, “Stiff d**ks and airplanes and I’ve got neither.”
Every. Time. Doesn’t matter who’s asking.
I think the same because English is my second language.
In junior high, kids used to say, "about 5'7"...referencing their current height. lol
That's my answer to "what're you up to?" About 5'8" lol@@le_th_
When I was a kid, I'd always just say "clouds".
GREAT ANSWER!!! LMAO
Anyone else have trouble with pulling up to a drive thru window and not being able to start your order because the employee initiates the exchange by saying, “How are you?” and that’s it? I don’t think they want an answer but I also can’t just start throwing the order at them. Or “Welcome to Wendys.” Silence. I need you to tell me I can order…
I also hate the Autism questionairres where they give you questions like, “Other people see me as…” or “People tell me I’m…” Okay, first, how do I know how they see me? Second, tell me? Tell me what? When do people tell you anything? No, they hear you, their eyes glaze over, they glance at a friend or excuse themselves, and try and avoid you. If it goes well, they don’t need to tell you, but if it goes poorly, they pass judgment and tell you jack squat.
But they tell everyone around you in whatever organization you happen to cross paths in, they certainly do that. And no one has the decency to let you in on the secret so you can correct whatever it was that made you so weird and unlikable! That’s been my experience anyway. It’s this NT assumption that you know exactly what you did, so they don’t tell you. The only ones who ever try are the “fixers” aka the people who see you have difficulties and swoop in to feel saintly by being patronizing and telling you how to act.
Over time I’ve reflected and worked out bit by bit a lot of the bad social interactions I’ve had, and I wish people gave the benefit of the doubt instead of deciding that you deserve what you get because you’re such a rude person. Yeah, honey, I’m Autistic, ADHD, was bullied for years out of every social clique in school, grew up wild with 5 brothers, had no diagnosis, and my parents didn’t have time to teach me basic manners and hygiene. It took a lot of time and struggle to train myself.
So as much as I hate those questions on the questionairres, I guess what I really hate is the things people don’t say because they can’t be bothered.
Also being told to smile. No, Chad, it does not take more muscles to frown. I wasn’t frowning, it’s my resting face. Ergo it takes no muscles to frown. Don’t tell me what to do. Sorry if you don’t feel validated because a random stranger isn’t grinning like a maniac for no good reason. If I don’t have a reason to smile, I smile like freaking Wednesday only with a lot more twitching, so count your blessings.
People telling me to smile is especially aggravating. If you want me to smile, say something that will elicit a smile. A compliment, a funny quote, a joke, etc. Don't tell me how to arrange my face. I'm not here to please you.
Number 14: I was reading a book while my son was getting prepped for a medical procedure. His nurse walked up to me and asked, "What are you reading?" I looked at her, looked down at the book, and turned it over to read the spine because the title had completely left my mind.
I would be tempted to promptly reply, "A book." 😂
"Well, the moment I started answering you the answer became nothing. Because I can't read and talk at the same time."
I never said that, but it is really hard to shift attention from a book to a person, so the process for me is 1) Read 2) hear something 3) Vaguely register that the person is speaking to me. 4) Shift attention away from my book, to the question. 5) Interpret question and realize it is about book. 6) Mentally find a thing to say about book. 7) Answer question.
@@seqkatwinn2766 I've done that accidently a few times. When I see their expression I double back and am like OH SORRY yeah, I'm reading blah blah blah...
@@DeadPixelZombie it's what comes natural to us to literally answer the question honestly! 😄
At work, I was reading and a colleague asked what I was reading and I read out the sentence I was at in the book, she thought it was funny, luckily.
This list is sooo empowering! Neurotypical folks have no idea the consequences of seemingly harmless, habitual, culturally engrained statements and questions. Gratitude
Yes you're correct all these phrases are harmless and part of everyday communication. It must be hard (or is that wrong to ask too?). What I want to know is how can students cope when they have problems learning idioms as they are part of figurative language and that is required to pass their English qualifications?
#12, “We should get together sometime,” is Still super hard for me (I’m in my 50s!) because people often say it as a social courtesy without any actual intention to follow through. Meanwhile, if I like you, I’d actually Like to get together…!🤔
Exactly!
Yes it’s a very confusing phrase. It’s hard for me to determine what anybody actually means by it. Do they want to? Are they being nice? What’s the proper response?
…and I’m over here biting my lip trying not to blurt out, “You don’t really ever intend to get together with me, do you!”
@@funniful YES!! If I’m certain they actually don’t want to (sometimes it’s obvious), I hate feeling like I’m “letting them get away with the pretense.” Just, like, don’t even say then…
Me: knowing damn well we aren’t going to get together and yet somehow stressing at the possibility that we might.
“You’re overthinking this.” 💔💔💔
Spectrum types ALWAYS overthink things. So yeah, thanks for the scoop
A lot of the phrases like "how are you" made a lot more sense when I learned about phatic expressions, where certain groups of words together form an expression that means something other than the literal words that make it up.
Some examples:
"How are you": "Hello. I acknowledge your presence. I am friendly and being polite. Now is your time to communicate nonverbally how you feel if you like as I try to understand whether you are friendly and polite as well."
"One sec": "I am actively making an effort to be with you." The actual length of time you can expect to wait depends on context.
"You're welcome": "I acknowledge/appreciate your gratitude", "I shouldn't have had to help you", or "you forgot to express gratitude" depending on tone and context. Does not necessarily literally mean that you are welcome to their help in the future.
"Any time": means the same as "You're welcome". Almost never literally means "any time".
"No worries": "I forgive you". Can also mean the same as "You're welcome".
"All the time": frequently. Not necessarily constantly.
Also, especially with greetings, the phatic expression of choice can be very regional. In some places, they say "What's up?" or just "'sup?". In the American south and midwest, you might hear "Howdy". On the east coast, "How ya doin'?". In the UK, you might here "Alright?" None of it is literal.
The next time someone says "What's up" I should just reply with Howdy! 😆
In Hawaii it’s “How’s it?”
@@TheLinneann Yep that's true, I'm from Hawaii haha
They like to spell it "Howzit!"
Thank you, this is brilliant.
I know about that...still makes me mad! If people simply want to make noise, the should sing.
“You’re too sensitive!” “Stop overreacting!” Those are the top two on my list!
I heard those a lot as a kid. Which left me wondering how am I too sensitive. How is this over reacting.
Meditation is anything that releases your mind from thought. You can be in a meditative state while running 5 miles, sewing, crafting, fishing, etc. You do not have to be still to be free from thoughts.
This is the best explanation I’ve ever seen, thank you!
@@ButterflyKissesHealing my type of meditation is putting a mellow song on replay and listening to it for 6 hours 😂
@@sparky4786 🥰
Yeah, I think there's this misconception that meditation is like... empty head monk sort of thing. While that is a thing, practical meditation is as you said. It's about being present in a way to allow your mind and body to focus and release. What ever thoughts and feelings occur, I've understood it as allowing them to happen but encouraging then to pass.
@@PhotonBeast just a few weeks ago a friend suggested that I meditate. I have ADHD. My mind and body won’t allow me to focus. I color in adult coloring books to relieve anxiety but I have to listen to a movie at the same time.
I just wrote an email to my therapist and family about this video, so I’m copying my writing from there for this comment:
This seemingly-simple video helped me understand more about which thinking patterns of mine come from my autism/AuDHD. (Some quoted parts are my paraphrasing)
Things that clicked for me:
- “It’s hard to be present in the conversation when we’re making all these connections” in our minds. This is how my mind works, always.
- “then I have to follow the yellow brick road to get back” to the original conversation topic. < This!! In these moments, I feel exhausted for having thought too far down the rabbit hole (whether in my head, or embarrassingly, out loud-revealing my stream of consciousness), and I often feel very self-aware that my allistic conversation partner might not prefer my communication style. My 9th grade gifted teacher once called me fascinating in front of the class (creepy/condescending!) and then wondered aloud as to how I get from point A to point B. Well, “the yellow brick road” is a serviceable metaphor here.
- honesty (even down to the last detail)-this is painfully true. I’ve had to get so much training (often learning through my gaffs) at each workplace on exactly *how* they like to be lied to. Examples:
1) Learning how to NOT respond sincerely to “How are you?” has been one of the hardest challenges of my career. I’m not quick on my feet to come up with a lie and I take so long to sift through things in my head. The stress reactions my body has from walking through the gauntlet of everyday greetings to get to my workspace!! My poor knitting muscles 😔
2) I feel like I am fighting a comic book truth serum when someone asks me about a topic that either my boss or husband previously asked me to keep to myself. I have to pretend I’m in CIA agent mode and VERY consciously choose not to overshare the privileged information. In order to do my job, I need to heavily click my mindset in to the “need to know” hierarchies at my specific workplace.
* The Noumena series by Lindsay Ellis helped me truly see some good in “need to know” boundaries because there were CIA agents and assets doing impactful work to save everybody and they had to lie and withhold information to do it (all about a topic I care about, establishing rules around and discussing the ethics of non-human personhood). Since my sympathies lie with the idea that all sentient intelligent entities are persons, I was able to support characters withholding information from others in the book and really understand how withholding information could be important to maintaining safety (even as it also benefits bad actors in some ways).
3) I feel like I too-frequently lose the internal battle to create or uphold my personal boundaries at the right moments in a social relationship. My instinct is usually to Kool-Aid Man my way right through the brick wall that is Professional Boundaries We Must Keep at Virtually All Times.
4) Also, because I am so uncomfortable with doing the casual dishonesty AKA “social niceties,” I am hyper-aware of “shoot, I need to lie!” moments, as well as when it might be the statistically-best time to drop a big stinky truth bomb to score “vulnerability points” with my boss or the company president. If they greet me in the hall and I’m worried that they might think I’m shirking my duty because I’ve used my office “Do Not Disturb” sign heavily for too many days in a row, you can bet I’m reaching into my memory and pulling out some “My husband hasn’t been feeling well” justifications to manipulate the situation. I’m still speaking the truth, however-just misrepresenting my desire to share.
5) This awareness (skewed as it is) of when to share and when not to due to the hypervigilance makes me feel like a dishonest snake-even though I still do it, as it’s been a hard-won lesson in my life that I need to. I apologize to snakes everywhere. Even though my Hebrew name is Chavah, I don’t actually think it makes sense to anthropomorphize snakes and prejudicially apply pretend motives to their behaviors. Also, tricking humans into breaking rules isn’t something any snake we know of in the whole world can do. (Yellow brick road-ing again!!)
6) I hope people realize that the message of many fiction stories is to be true to yourself, and that to drag difficult conversation topics into the foreground to hash them out is actually brave and often the most effective thing to do. It is annoying to me when real life fails to follow this pattern. Steven Universe is an impactful show to me because it teaches these values about how to talk to and care for one another.
- “our bodies are like finely-tuned machines and they’re gonna tell us when something is off!” < this! Fibromyalgia, ahhh! It’s so so true. Being told my whole childhood that I’m whiny (I will never ever say that to a child, or anyone! It hurt my feelings so much as a kid). My son is currently phobic toward needles due to fear of pain and I believe him and have been working on the fear with him. I would never tell him that being sensitive is a bad thing, though, and I’m clear-cut with him about the line where his agency runs up against my parental override authority. A vaccine that’s likely to provide valuable protection? I will tell him he must accept the shot, and I’ll be there to hold him through it if he wants me to. A blood draw that isn’t life-or-death necessary? I’ll help him try, but if he says “No, I’m not ready” in the phlebotomist’s chair, then we walk out and go home to try another day. I handle the follow-up with the clinician to let them know, and I listen to him when he reflects on his fear in the weeks following. This is the communication style I tried because this is the ideal support I would have benefited from in the same situation.
Plus honestly whoever thinks I talked too much should see what blue jay fledglings are like! (They scream so loud and flap to demand food right in their parents’ faces, and the parents are so chill, it’s very cool to watch them).
Anyway! That’s my breakdown. This one helped me a lot.
My parents were always good abt telling me WHY, so I grew up with a disdain for "because I said so"
If the trusted adults in my life were always giving me very good reasons for their directions then anyone NOT giving me a reason was a RED FLAG.
As an adult I continue the tradition of how I was raised by telling children WHY I am giving them a direction
Ex: student running in the hall
Me:[stops child] Hey kiddo, we don't run in the hallway because you could trip or smack into someone.
Save the running for the gym ok?
If only others would give the same care with responses to that question! Thanks for sharing!
The WHY is SO important!
That's just good parenting, mentoring, and leadership in general :) Good on you and your parents
Common sense I thought. Guess not?
I got both. Sometimes my mom gave me reasons like:
"You need to brush your hair because otherwise people will think I'm a bad mom who lets her kid run wild." Well all right then.
"Tell me about a time and Tell me about yourself" makes my brain Implode. I just had an interview at work and they do this all the time…..All of these are amazing examples…Watching these types of videos, makes me understand my childhood so much more….I’m 53 and have been considering getting diagnosed, but I kinda already know the answers. Oh “why are you so quiet?”….OMG…..”Because I’m always quiet and always have been”. Like you said, I don’t know, thinking about String Theory while the rest of you do the small talk thing and I don’t do small talk…ever.
I grew up in a strict religious cult and it’s hard to know sometimes if I have been masking autism, masking my queerness, masking my traditional femininity, masking religious belief/behavior to fit in the group. Swearing, among other things is a huge way I’ve unmasked and it literally makes me feel like a load off my shoulders when I swear. My therapy sessions are definitely rated R haha
Congrats on getting/coming out!
My bigger trigger is „Let’s stay friends”, cause in my experience it has never felt as a genuine proposition of a friendship on their side, while I tried hard to figure out borders of that friendship. So now I just ask „what do you understand as friendship? Cause I need to know exactly what you’re proposing”. Saves me some mental health :)
Yop totally ! Worst is with exes.... who totally want to stay besties but then say I'm to clingy (not physically, but like, wanting to much contact, aka 5-6 times a week)
"You're smart, you can do it" I hear sometimes, and I hate it so much.
That or, "If I can do it, you can do it." 😣 They lack understanding everyone is different.
Yes. To add on, "You're overthinking this." 🤢 Vomit bag.
"Tell me a little bit about yourself" - I had to do that just last week. I spent the time until my turn internally rehearsing what I was going to say, so it wouldn't be completely awkward when it was my turn to speak.
I do that every time, too, and hope like crazy that I'm not picked to "share" first/early as I'll never be ready!
@@alisonwhite9588 This is the reason I avoid going to group activities like church, gym activities, and most of all class reunions.
So many times this has happened to me too
And the meanest thing is: You cannot concentrate to the answeres of the others. That's why I volunteer to go first, then I stall a bit and keep it short. And I already have a script for that: "I am an AuDHD mom of twins, I am an illustrator for childrens books and I love to read" that satisfies pretty much every nt. Depending on the situation I add stuff like "I am 34 years old" or "I studied German, History and Archeology" something like that
I did this once when we had a round of introductions, and I ended up saying the previous person's name instead of my own. And this was in the army, it was my first day with the newcomers and this is the first impression they had. Not only that, while I was correcting myself, a staff member barged in and said that "Okay, it's getting late so let's call it a day" and I didn't even frigging get to tell anything about myself. Army was not a great place for me, and I always felt out of place (even if I actually did quite well there in different evaluations etc. eventually). Only two decades later I started to really realize why when I have been discovering my autism.
Taylor, I am 64 and NEVER knew no-pain-no-gain isn’t literal! Mind blown. I need to go lie down.
I didn’t know “give 100%” wasn’t literal until another ASD video a month or so ago. I’m 53. I feel your pain (literally). No wonder we are always exhausted.
Ahhhhhhh me too this is so harmful to hear
I found this interesting. It is both literal and not literal. It comes from muscle building. When people work out or "pump iron" they push them themselves to kind of tear the muscle and it will hurt as it mends. As it mends it builds and gets bigger or stronger. So literally when you have pain in muscles you gain muscles. So, the not literal part: I think somebody decided 'no pain no gain' can apply to emotions and life challenges so that we can "feel better" about something bad. We can grow out of adversity by learning from it, sometimes.
Omg alot of these I do get angry at. Particularly "you seem a little quiet" "why can't you act normal" "you're too sensitive" "that's just how it is" and "fake it till you make it" just to name a few. Couple months back I got diagnosed with autism (level 1) so I don't have it as bad as others but still will need some sort of accommodations. Went 23 years without really knowing. Hope this made sense and I said the right things.
What are you thinking about?, do they want to know something specific or want to know what I'm actually thinking. LOL 😆
For me it's the opposite that's triggering, actually. When I finally observed a group of people enough to decide they're safe for me, and I start to actually participate in conversations, and someone tells me "oh wow look, she can talk". Thank you for sending me right back into my shell, jerk.
"I'm so proud of you!" I'd rather they say, "I love that for you!" It's got the meaning of, you did something you should be proud of and I'm glad you can be proud of yourself. It says nothing about whether the speaker is proud of the listener or not, but can be interpreted that way.
"Calm down," "you're making a scene," & "you're spiralling." I'm just "too intense."
I've heard "You're a bit much." "you're intimidating." "People don't know how to approach you." It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me if no one can "handle" me.
“Calm down” is like gasoline on a fire!
My entire life has been plagued with phrases like this!!!
This made me remember when I was at school: sometimes during an oral exam the teacher would say: "select a subject of your choice to talk about" all of my classmates would consider themselves lucky, but I instead would always panic and freeze completely, spend 5 minutes trying to think about what subject to choose, then force myself to pick up whatever would come to mind in order to avoid the burning gaze of the people waiting around me and then stutter a couple of confuse phrases, not able to focus because my brain was too busy thinking of all the other subjects I should have picked instead.. 😅😂
Thank you, this video made me realize how many of my differences are a part of Autism rather than just my own internal nightmare. It's extremely comforting to know other people have internal switches or boxes that are difficult to move between.
Larry Burkett's book on "Giving and Tithing" drew me closer to God and helped my spirituality. 2021 was a year I literally lived it. I cashed in my life savings and gave it all away. My total giving amounted to 27,000 dollars. Everyone thought I was delusional. Today, 1 receive 65,000 dollars every two months. I have a property in Calabasas, CA, and travel a lot. God has promoted me more than once and opened doors for me to live beyond my dreams.
God kept to his promises to and for me
There's wonder working power in following
Kingdom principles on giving and tithing.
Hallelujah!
But then, how do you get all that in that period of time? What is it you do please, mind sharing?
It is the digital market. That's been the secret to this wealth transfer. A lot of folks in the US and abroad are getting so much from it, God has been good to my household Thank you Jesus. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!
And thanks to my co-worker (Michael) who suggested Ms Susan Jane Christy
How can I start this digital market, any guidelines and how can I reach out to her?
Fear of being perceived. Wow, i never heard that before, but it struck deep. I tried to explain this feeling to a councelor once, tried but failed.
I don't have autism, but several of these are difficult for me, too. Asking me about myself, asking my favorite anything, my pain level, what I want, saying I'm too sensitive instead of having compassion, telling me to talk more, fear of being perceived is a big one, needing time to think before being able to answer people's questions, but then not having patience to wait for me. I relate to these, so much. The thing is, I don't know what I would rather (haha) that people do instead of saying those things. I appreciate knowing what the other person wants to say even if it bothers me to try to respond.
The “you’ll just know” hit hard. I dated my spouse for five years before getting engaged because I didn’t “just know,” as I’ve heard so many people say, and we’ve been married four years and sometimes I still don’t know if I made the right decision. I love him dearly and I think it may have something to do with being high masking and loosing touch with my own self, but that was a situation where I didn’t ever just know.
"Because I said so" is something that I've never said to my kids. My parents never said it to me, either. We tend to explain things to each other. Long winded, long and winding explanations, it's great!
My reaction to "because I said so" is to refuse doing whatever was asked. If there's no reason to do it, it doesn't need to be done.
That, or worse, "Cos." Because is not a complete sentence. It literally tells me nothing. Explain it. Explain the need for things, the issues with a product, the financial stress, the effects on health, the need for moderation, the educational benefits, all that jazz. There's no "because it just is" or "just cos" or "because I said so".
I can't stay up too late because I need a minimum amount of sleep & have to get up on time for whatever happens next day is a reason.
I can't get this for a present as it costs more than the assigned budget for presents, especially if a figure is given so I can pick something else, is a reason.
I have to vacuum the room because it helps keep it clean, you can't do it without help, & one day I'll need to do that in my own home, is a reason.
I can't watch TV for six hours because for at least one of them I need to be moving to stay fit & healthy is a reason.
I need to stay quiet because some people need to sleep &/ or don't want to be disturbed is a reason.
This song is bad because the lyrics are nonsense & the instruments are out of tune is a reason.
I don't like this food because it stinks/ makes me gag/ has a yucky texture or taste is a reason.
However, I don't like it cause it's horrid, isn't a reason. How is it horrid???
For decades, my automatic response to "How are you?" was "yes". I just dislike the social ritual where you're expected to give a standard response and reciprocate by asking about them. By giving a nonsensical answer, I could just derail the whole long, pointless ritual and steer the interaction to something more important. Surprisingly few people were really bothered by it, but those that were bothered would obsess about it.
"How are you?"
"Yes."
😂 I love it!
My usual response is an enthusiastic "Yup!".
Haha
“How are you doing” I have finally learned, is just a greeting some people use instead of saying “hello.”
"Tell me a little bit abt yourself"
Well that depends on which persona I wish to present to you.
Do I want to be the diva?
The tomboy?
The sweetheart proverbs 31 woman?
There are so many sides to me that I have available to make myself socially acceptable. Pick whichever mask you like. I have plenty.
"Stop overthinking everything and just let go."
I have an active mind, a dandy imagination, and a finite lifetime. Use it or lose it.
Thanks for another wonderful video.
I don’t know how to express with words how much Taylor has helped me to understand and accept myself. I am so grateful ❤
Hi! I’m so glad. Thank you for sharing this. 💕🙏🏼
@@thursdays_child5914
❤️
Hearing "it is what it is," "living my truth & living my best life"
"How ya doing?"
"Upright and above ground!"
Works every time.
I usually ask, "How am I doing what?"
I just say, “Peachy!” It tends to redirect the person and they focus on the funny word I’ve used and not me!
"how are you doing".....that is actually a rude question; deep heavy opener; too personal ; not your business is what i heard recently about this question we ask and do but don't answer or not honestly
My friend Scott's go-to response was "Could be worse--could be on fire."
A lot of these come down to literal interpretation, we can’t help but take everything literally and a lot requires more context for us to be able to answer. Thanks for making this!
Future video suggestion: Fear of/not like being perceived.
I've only heard of this recently, and hearing others, yourself included, helped me to think that my issues around being "shy" aren't only about being shy. I can be shy, yet also I don't like attention, it makes me want to hide, lol, and it causes me to freeze. So, what is being perceived, the issues around it, and how it differs from shyness.
Yes, please!
Yes. Anyone obsessive over what they are wearing? So they will not draw attention and make someone comment on it. I cannot believe the comments I get on my clothing/hair/shoes. Even when it’s a complement I hate it. I try to be as bland and “normal” as well as comfortable as possible. Doesn’t matter they always comment. Annoys me tremendously. Example: I wear my hair in a ponytail all the time ( cannot stand hair in my face/touching my ears/getting tangled) anyway, if I wear it down people will say “wow you look so different” I think really???? Literally I’m exactly the same. How could I possibly look that different?
@@saragoltz1191 Mostly with the hair thing, as well. When my hair was long, I wore it in a ponytail (sensory issues, also). The rare occasions I wore it down, I was self-conscious about it, then I eventually wore it down a lot, though rarely anyone said anything, thankfully, lol, though my hair bothered me. I finally got the nerve to shave it off a few years ago, yay, freedom from hair and hair sensory issues. 😛😊 At first, I was self-conscious about it being so short, but thankfully that went away fairly quickly, especially that I love it being so short.
@@username46100 wish I could shave it. I would get too many comments for sure then. lol
I'm not autistic, but I'm trying very hard to understand autism better than I do. I took notes on 39 of the listed items you mentioned. I did see autism manifested in this presentation when I saw the camera moving and didn't know why. I didn't see it shake once. It's impressive the focus you have to such detail. One very good quality of individuals with autism. I hope my comments are understood with only my best feelings toward you and others. I did diagnose my daughter and her doctor was glad I did. Thank you.
When someone asks me "how are you doing?" "What are you up to?"
Questions of that nature, I've learned they're "throw away" questions, stuff you ask just to have something come out of your mouth.
And I've learned the correct "throw away" answers are "I'm good, you?" or "not much, you?"
Yeppers!
My default response is " 'm alright."
Really? I always took them as honest questions (giving or receiving the questions). Like, I legit want to know what the person I'm asking is feeling or doing!
That is to say, thanks for the insight!
Read a book once ("The Winter Sparrows", I think it was) where the young protagonist, an immagrant to Australia, described her annoyance with Aussie school kids asking her this question but then quickly departing the scene least they receive an answer. So true!
i stubbornly only acknowledge the “this is just a way of saying Hi” understanding; they feel so invasive if taken literally! like i feel “what a personal thing to demand me tell you! how i am? what im feeling?? thats MY business!” is my gut reaction if i were to believe it was meant to be answered honestly.
My default answer to the rando passing me as we walk in opposite directions who asks, "How are you?" or "How ya doing?" is an equally generic, "I'm fine. (or okay or good or alive or whatever else pops outta my mouth at the time) Thank you." THAT'S IT! I'm not asking how you are, because I don't know you and I don't care to hear the BS lie you'll regurgitate back to me about how you are, just like the lie I told you. I'm rarely "fine" not that any of these people care anyway. Just mind your own f*cking business and leave me in peace to mind mine. If we must speak in passing, how about a simple, "Hello." and then keep your ass walking! Oh, yeah, and to answer Taylor's question, I'm all in on the cursing!! 😂
"Why do you do it that way" is a very good question and you just explained it brilliantly to us outsiders 🙂 Gathering the information (formulating the answer) is a process, and then the conversation can go on. Very good to know, thank you.
45, "why can't you act normal?"
My flippant response: "scientists are still trying to figure that one out"
That's very funny.
What even is normal?
It's different from country to country, culture to culture, social class to social class....
My response: “IDK. Why can’t you act like a kind, caring, compassionate individual instead of a bigoted bully?”
I'm reminded of this following dialog from an episode of MASH:
Frank: The man is not normal!
Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
Frank: Normal is when everybody does the same thing.
Trapper: What about individuality?
Frank: Individuality is fine as long as we do it together!
I like how that's not even a false statement, so you aren't lying.
Long before my diagnosis, I worked retail as a cashier. On those boring early mornings (I usually went in at 6am- fun times for a person that is a night owl), I’d be off in my own world inside my head. But to the people around me, I looked beyond bored (I genuinely was with the real world hence my need for my inner world) and would frequently get customers saying to me, “you should smile more.” My automated responses were either to ask them why or say no thanks.
As an autistic who grew up Mormon, I loooove swearing. I never felt like I could express my emotions growing up because I couldn't express intensity. There's a huge difference between being really freaking mad and being fucking pissed, and Avoiding swear words, especially by replacing them felt like I was just undercutting my point. It was like why even say how I'm feeling if I can barely convey it. It's not just anger either. Sometimes I want to tell people that I'm so fucking stoked, that this view is fucking beautiful, or that I look like a total badass right now. I love words that convey intensity, and anything you can say without swear words you can say harder with swear words :D
I've noticed that people who hate other people swearing are people, who can't stand other peoples strong emotions either.
I think swearing is just a pet peeve to some people for whatever reason.
When someone is swearing a lot, I usually tell them to "holy shit, stop fucking swearing so much" lol. I personally prefer well placed swearing to the mindless and habitual variety since the latter quickly loses power and color, but I think it's real silly when people assign morality to it.
You're not alone. There have been general authorities that would swear even during conference.
@@KattReen I like excessive swearing and mindful swearing. I know that half of the swear words I use are completely unnecessary and communicate nothing extra, but in a way, I find that kind of funny. I feel like most swear words have already lost their power. Cunt is the only word I save for special occassions, because everyone else seems to reserve that one as well. I also strategically and mindfully swear at other times. My excessive swearing doesn't really get in the way of that. I just use them at different times.
It's always bothered me that people assign morality to it. Even as a Mormon kid, I was like they're just random words. There's nothing about them that make them inherently bad. We just picked them and said "these ones are the bad ones." But I just had to keep my mouth shut cause you can't doubt the church :)
@@rcarbee7016 That's the part that pissed me off the most. That could've been something that eased up the rules and normalized hell and damn and whatever, but no. He was the exception to the rules. We all still had to follow them.
I knit everyday. The repetitive action calms my mind.
Knitting & crochet are so stimmy xxx I love them. Knitting right now xxx
I, as an autistic individual, say "Don't worry about it." ALL the time, because I genuinely don't care and if I see someone stressing because they think I have an opinion about them regarding whatever, I don't at all. I do not care. Don't stress about it, don't worry about it because I care not one bit.
My understanding is that there are several interpretations that can happen. When we say "Don't worry about it/I don't care" we mean it as a neutral statement of fact about our own personal current context. For others, though, i think it can be a statement about the subject eg I think you are worried so please don't worry. The third option is a negative statement of themselves eg I am worried, but I don't want my worry to affect you. Particularly the third can catch us off guard because our natural reactions is to go "OK." and move on because we just got told not to worry. When there may be the expectation that we should actually display empathy or offer help (performative or otherwise)
@@PhotonBeast Yeah, what gets me about "don't worry about it" is that in certain social contexts, even if someone says this, I feel like sometimes the polite or socially acceptable thing to do IS to worry about it, or wave it off and help anyway. I'm thinking in a context of like going over to someone's house for dinner maybe, and I ask if I should bring my dish to the sink, and the host says "don't worry about it," my brain will start going a million miles a minute with things like 'ok, they said not to worry about it, so I should probably just sit here and let them take it. But will they secretly think I'm rude if I don't shrug off what they said and insist on taking my plate in anyway? Or even if it's not something they're expecting per se, will they be at all disappointed? Maybe I should try to be nice and just get up and take my own plate in. But then what if that seems rude on the other end, because they told me not to worry about it, and I ignore them and do it anyway? Would it be polite or impolite? I don't want to seem awkward by either taking my plate in myself or not' etc etc. Usually I wind up doing what the person said, in handing them my plate or whatever the context is, but I definitely worried about it which they told me not to do lol
@@maggieo1683 Yeah. It seems to come down to "Whatever the other person thinks is appropriate at the time." Or, ya know, vibes which I think a lot of autistic people struggle with for various reasons (as many of the questions in the video allude to).
The only real solutions in your hypothetical situation, I think, is to either pick a side for that situation (overly kind or overly polite).
So you can take your plate to the sink and basically just ignore the protests of "no no, you don't have to do that" and be thought of as extra nice or you can just sit and be thought of as being polite.
Another solution is to mirror what everyone else does (contingent on you finishing your food after a few people so... plan ahead, I suppose). More useful if you haven't asked but aren't sure/don't want to ask, though you run the risk of being there for a long time if you're with a bunch of talkers or getting offered more food and having to decline (which can be it's own pitfall) or what have you.
@@PhotonBeast Yes, mirroring what other people do is what I typically go for, if I'm at a dinner with multiple people that is. Thankfully I am a slow eater so I tend to be one of the last to finish anyway, and then I'll usually just copy what other people do, or, like I said, lean in the direction of whatever the host said.
@@maggieo1683 Something to try might also be to say something like "I need to go to the bathroom/I want to wash my hands" and then add "Should I take my plate to the sink?"
Either you get a few minutes in the toilet to yourself or, sometimes, it triggers everyone to start moving and cleaning up.
Taylor, i love your channel! I'm almost 55, self-diagnosed earlier this year, still figuring out my particular flavor of neurodivergent. Almost everything you post makes me cry, makes me smile, and rings my bells. Thank you ❤️💜💙
One thing I get a lot of with what would have been qualified as Asperger’s is the being called intelligent, but in a derisive way. Like “you’re the smart one” or “the human encyclopedia.” It somehow never feels like a compliment despite being a strength.
Associated with that, is someone thinking they are being reassuring when you tell them that you do not have the capacity for a particular thing or task, “You’re so smart, you’ll rise to the occasion!”
This, despite knowing that the thing is absolutely not within your spiky skill set; as proven by a lifetime of repeating patterns around comparable demands.
Others applying NT expectations to you (and your internalized ableism forcing yourself beyond capacity) based on intelligence is a fantastic way to end up in profound depression and burnout🙄
Me, who didn’t realize that not everyone else is a walking encyclopedia, thinking all of my classmates in first grade were dumb because they didn’t have a huge list of facts memorized. Didn’t help that my dad was trained to research the living daylights out of everything for his job and my bestie at that age was very intellectually curious so we’d fall down a new rabbit hole every week (although being wee ones with ‘90s internet, that meant getting the one picture book our library had on the topic and then making up what we thought “should” be true)
@@camcat26 lol, imagine being a wee one in the 70’s, with only Encyclopedia Britanica😂
But, yes, kindergarten me being soooo frustrated that my best friend didn’t want me to teach him to read (but, but, but, you can travel the world and go to other times, and learn *All* *The* *Things* with books!!!)
I did not mind being called a human encyclopedia my problem is when people THINK I am only a human encyclopedia.
Performance reviews. When bosses expect you to master things neurotypical people do as second nature. They don’t know I’m neurodivergent. Performance reviews are the most humiliating, painful, thing for me. I beat myself up for weeks for not being able to be like everyone else.
This was really helpful. A follow-up request: how to rephrase all those things to ways we can handle better.
I used to use "don't worry about it" a lot, myself, until one Autistic friend got mad at me every time I said it. All I was trying to convey was that I was concerned that she was worrying too much about something I had said, when it wasn't meant to be a source of worry for anyone. It took me awhile to figure out why she was reacting the way she did, but then I reasoned that she was probably taking it literally as "I demand that you not worry about that subject", rather than the idiomatic phrase I was intending it as. I rephrased it as "you don't need to worry about that" and she was fine with that. I think it's because she didn't feel like I was telling her what to do. It more explicitly got across what I think that idiom is meant to convey. I'd love to brainstorm more ways to translate some of these difficult idioms into Autistic-friendly phrases that don't disregulate us so much.
Yes, "don't worry" is the same as "stop feeling worry right now!".
This is why I found online autistic tests impossible!! I need more answers
"you ask too many questions", "why does it matter?" and "let it go" are big triggers for me.
I ask because I don't understand and if I don't understand, there's a risk I'll get myself into trouble for not instinctively knowing what everyone else does.
It matters to me because that's the information my brain needs to know in order to understand and be satisfied.
I'm glad you can just "let it go" but unfortunately my amygdala has taken over and until it can send everything over (inefficiently) to the rational/language parts of my brain, I cannot, in fact, "let it go".
Yes, the "let it go," I commented on it too, and I forgot about the "why does it matter?" You notice those come from people who aren't empathetic? Lack of empathy is annoying in general.
“You ask too many questions.”
They really hate it if you fire back with “Then you don’t ask enough.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Hahahaha. Like I can just stop. I worry about things for other people, not just my own things.
I find that so patronizing.
I get road rage for OTHER people! “Did you see that red car just totally cut in front of the blue car? What a jerk!”
I’ve heard a lot of these before. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Fake it until you make it.” I always hear, “you’re never allowed to feel. It’s not ok that you feel that way. You don’t have a right to feel that way.” Being that I’m autistic and have CPTSD, this is why I do these things. And can’t people see that I’m trying to bottle up my emotions? Can’t people see that I’m trying to mask my CPTSD? I don’t mask my autism that much, but I do mask my CPTSD. I do use the words “always and never” a lot. Mainly, “I always have to be happy 24/7. I’m never allowed to be sad. It’s never ok for me to feel this way. It could be worse. When am I ever going to learn to just get over it?”
If you are only hearing this from a select group of people, you might have some toxic relationships you need to cut off. I get told the first few things you've said, but if someone told me I'm not allowed to feel a certain way that would be a huge red flag. Maybe just something to think about ❤
And it is OK for you to feel whatever feelings you have, so long as you're not hurting someone else or yourself.
@@jessicatalbert6646 I think a lot of it comes from my abuser. I grew up in a place where I was darned if I showed my emotions, but darned if I didn’t speak up and communicate what was wrong.
Yes, I hate being told that I will know. I find that what I think of as knowing isn't anybody else's way of knowing.
Around here at Altrecht (a mental health service mostly for adults with autism) they offer a mindfulness course tailored to autistic people. I kind of enjoyed it, but couldn't stick with it. I've recently found out stimming works much better.
Like, lately I had to take a lot of day courses at work for our permanent education, and they're exhausting! But lately I thought, let's buy that infinity cube and see where it goes. Whenever my hands aren't doing something else, I often play with the thing. It's blue space coloured and gorgeous! The past two weeks I had a few courses at work again, and the great thing about the lecture rooms is that they have these chairs with a metal U-frame instead of just four legs. So you can keep rocking just so slightly and that's enough for me. And my colleagues know I'm neurodiverse. What was great is due to stimming, I wasn't as exhausted afterwards as before!
I didn't really stim as a child and growing up in the 80ies, any kind of stimming was shut down. Being in special ed (diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder because girls.....) all around me rocking and fidgeting was shut down.
Screw mindfulness, just STIM!
Can you please 🙏 do a video on 46 things you DO like to hear?👂 My nephew has autism and I try so hard to connect with him.
Great suggestion! Thank you. Will consider for future videos.
@@MomontheSpectrum ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
When my nephew was very little, I spent a lot of time on the floor with him at his level trying to enter his world with puzzles 🧩 and stuff.
Once we were in a dr’s examining room and he was very nervous 😬 and sat under the examine table. I was under there with him. Mind you I have an MBA in Finance and high Corp job. The dr came in and asked who was the patient. Haha! 🤣
You’ll figure it out is so maddening.
I can relate to "because I said so" Undiagnosed (probable) 57 year old and went to therapy when I 3/4 my parents took me to a therapy. Therapist told me "do this" - I refused. Took me to another therapist who "asked" me and I did the task. I was told this as an adult but always felt the same way for my whole life.
I’m 42. These phrases are making me realize how so much of the social browbeating and gaslighting drove certain masking into me so deep that I don’t know what’s masking anymore at times and don’t know how to unmask. The mask IS me now in some ways.
But it’s still taking up energy and bandwidth. Dropping it to spare myself the drain isn’t possible though, unless I get this figured out.
I’m just stuck spending cycles on the mask at all times.
"Fake it till you make it" is just faking to me. It never becomes NOT faking. I did that for years, and I never "made it." I'm glad to ignore that advice when I hear it.
I’m 53, and undiagnosed.
Nearly every single one of things are sooooo relatable!
I’m a 36 yr old and am married, and finally, FINALLY got my late diagnosis on Autism! I’m so relieved, I and my close companions and family are now trying their very best to understand why I am this way. And your videos help me so much!! Thank you so so much for your hard work I appreciate you very very much 😍😍😍
🎉🎉🎉💓🫶🏻
My dad was a dour mechanical engineer whose designs are in submarines and also in space. He spoke very directly and taught me to do the same. Prime example--Ask what you need a specific answer to, and answer the question asked. "Is this for here, or to go?" The answer is always "Yes. " Are you having a boy or a girl? I hope so. Etc...
"You have so many triggers!" when trying to explain the solution to my outbursts. "Just let me know when you want me around again."(When I don't want to be alone. Leaving when I needed support most.) I'm telling you I need help, and it's getting ignored. Everyone says we'll just, "Change everything!" Is what I was told. Just change everything, and you won't be triggered. So insulting to my wellbeing. Giving me thoughts that EVERYTHING I do is wrong when I want words of affirmation and say that Im not doing enough to change when I can take away my behaviors.
I needed to be able to explain this one today. It's recently sore wound. 😫 I'm hurting so bad. FOMO broken heart syndrome. Trauma compiled on trauma when I need more help. 💔
Asking for help, knowing some people enjoy doing stuff likes timestamps. I love that
Autism therapist here - would LOVE to have a list of the alternative questions or comments that can be made INSTEAD of these phrases, so we can teach allistics what to do instead, for the sake of ABA in reverse lol!
Thanks for the suggestion!
@@MomontheSpectrumLove your channel ❤
In general I want to say _be more specific._ A lot of these phrases just draw a blank because there are too many possible interpretations. Whatever it is that helps you know, e.g. what you are interested in hearing about when you say "tell me about yourself", I *do not have that.* Telling me to trust some instinct that I don't have is very frustrating, too.
I love how this list and stuff like this show me how much we have in common as a group, but also how we also have different self-expression and ways that we interact with the world. Some of these bother some of us more or less than others, and I love how that also connects us.
I identify with every point!!! I need to be assessed. I’m 70 years old and have experienced most of these situations since I was a child. When I turned 60 I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type.
People called me autistic over the years, but I didn't do a deep dive until I was diagnosed at 56. It has been incredibly validating.
I like the 'I'm proud of you' sentiment but I do have to admit it does come out awkward, I try to say things like, "Wow, you really seem to be doing well for yourself." "Looks like you have everything under control." They kind of portray the sentiment of pride for another person but more recognizing the achievements that a person has accomplished without addressing details.
Thank you for having this Channel it is amazing. Especially this topic. My son is now 24 and he is amazing, but he struggles to express himself when it comes to the things that may upset or trigger him. I know he is upset, most times I can figure it out on my own that what I said may have been triggering. Then the times that I don’t know, he can’t really put it in words, he just wants it to pass. This video was extremely informative, very helpful. I’ve always said that my son shouldn’t have to be forced to understand the way everyone is seeing the world…. Why can’t everyone start to understand the way my son is seeing the world. Again, Thank you for this video 🙏🏽❤
You’re very welcome! Thanks for your comment.
I have faceblindness to a high degree. Can't recognize my own kids' faces. This led me to seek a diagnosis at age 55.
I tried to explain to my Mom, she got bothered and said 'I'm bad with faces too, I must be ASD too'
I understand this is hard for her but she dismissed my entire life's struggle!
52 and My mother does the SAME THING! Its so invalidating and hurtful.
I would categorize "you're awfully quiet" as bullying. And it's certainly not going to make me want to talk to the person who says it!
I've stopped caring. I just tell them I'm scheming.
I would say the vast majority of the times I have heard this it is a benign observation of the obvious rather than pointing out a character flaw that they think I should address. I will usually say "yes, that's just the way I am", and take it as them taking notice of me as a person (even though that definitely runs contrary to my "fear of being perceived"... that phrase was an eye opener for me).
“And you’re not reading the room!” - That’s what I’m thinking. Also, go away. I don’t have energy to pay attention to you. Me meeting your needs is not why I’m here.
My first thought was to say “I don’t see anything awful about it” 😆
Yeah being told I'm "awfully" anything does not make me inclined to be nice back
as someone who’s both chronically ill and very neurodivergent, here’s a tip for #7 (rate your pain from 1-10): you can look up the functional pain scale which describes what each level of pain looks like in terms of what you’re able/not able to do. this helped me out so much & i hope it helps someone else out there!
'Why can't you be like'.... fill in brother, sister, classmate. Heard it all the time growing up. So I'm not ok the way I am? Also 'look me in the eye when I'm talking to you' and 'don't be so sensitive'.
Had a HS teacher put me in the storeroom for a week during his class because I 'didn't pay attention and never took notes'. Last day of the week I showed him all my notebooks using my own type of short-cut notetaking. But he did convince me I didn't have to live up to my mom's expectations and could go by what I knew was right for me. Changed my life.
I've never been told that personally, but I've heard my dad say that to our dog Hank by comparing him to our other dog, Ellie!
The "towards and away response" really resonated with me. Thank you.
I was sat here casually thinking '46 phases, huh... Well they can't be that bad',
Whoa! Wow, no prisoners.
"Tell me a little bit about yourself."
I was not ready!
"It's not a big deal," and other variations almost always pushes an almost-meltdown over the edge. That's what I hate about it. It's usually said to me when I'm trying to explain that something is seriously bothering me and I need help coming down from some serious overwhelm. And then they get mad at me for having a meltdown after I said: I'm about to have a meltdown and this is contributing.
"Rate this on a scale of 1-10," messes with me. I take it too literally. Two days ago, I sliced off the tip of my finger and they asked me to rate the pain (0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable). I said, "10 is going through a woodchipper, yeah? So nothing's ever going to be worse than a three. But this really, really hurts." My partner was in the room and said that it was one of the most confusing answers he's ever heard. Was it woodchipper pain? No. It wasn't the worst pain imaginable by any means. But like... I was missing my fingertip and I wasn't happy about it. It hurt a lot. It hurt like missing a fingertip.
Funnily enough, I don't mind absolutes. I either know that they're correct and I always/never do something, or I know they're wrong and hyperbolizing.
"It's self-explanatory." Well obviously, it's not or I wouldn't be asking a question.
"I'm so proud of you," can be nice but it can really set me off depending on who is saying it and about what it is being said. If someone has been riding my ass to get something done on a timeline that doesn't work for me and then I do it (as I was going to) on my own time, and they tell me they're proud of me? They can go to hell. That's probably my PDA. But it just feels so patronizing. However, if it's about something about which I'm proud and it genuinely feels like an accomplishment, then it's fine to say once - but let's not overdo it.
For me, "what do you want," is mostly about masking. I've been mocked so much for my honest answers - or even just told no. If you were going to mock me or deny my simple request, why ask? So now I don't ever answer. Even if I do have a want that I could easily express.
It was my birthday yesterday and everyone was surprised I was "keeping it a secret" when they found out. It was awkward, but it was nice they cared?
"Can I stop by," is a big no from me. I need to know way ahead of time. Zero surprise visits.
Swear words don't bother me at all. I can code switch really easily between cursing and using zero curse words.