Demisexuality and AUTISM: is there a link?
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- Опубликовано: 23 июл 2024
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Demisexual people have a very specific way of experiencing sexual attraction.
Demisexuality is basically when you don't feel sexual attraction to other people unless some sort of strong bond or emotional connection has been made. With the prefix “demi” meaning “half”, you could think of it as halfway onto the asexual spectrum. They are often known as "gray ace".
This relates to autism in a variety of ways - sensory/touch, relating to other people and building meaningful relationships, and understanding others intentions.
#demisexual #demisexuality #autism
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Do you consider yourself demisexual?
Yes, now that I know there's a word for it. :^) I've always had to get to know someone for a while, generally at least a year, before I start to feel sexual attraction. Know and like their personality, build a friendship. Sex is such an intimate thing, why wouldn't you want to be good friends with your partner? And it makes staying friends after the sexual relationship is over so much easier. A quick pick-up situation just seems so shallow. The person inside is more important than if they meet some standard of physical beauty.
Yo Samdy Sam wow I didn’t even know there was a term for this but yes I’m a female Aspie and this definitely applies
Ho-ly Carp!!!!! I did *not* know this! It explains soooooo much (along with the Alexithymia, which I *did* know about). :-(
I am aspec. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm gray ace or demi. I'm definitely one of the two though.
It depends is watching porn like attraction?
Like a lot of people on spectrum watch it. As you say a lot of people on spectrum are online and good with technology.
A teenage boy or man can be demisexual then just change his whole sexuality because of porn and just see women and think about sex.
It the culture of easy sexualised images, make us only see women as objects,
I don't know if any guy feel the same with easy assess to images online it changes your whole view on the connection with the opposite sex.
I never understood sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond.
Agreed! Isn’t it normal to be this way?
Saamee, when I first heard of it I was like well isn't this like just looking for real or pure love?
Ain't it common?
My pet theory is that it's one of the dimensions of sexuality, like the gay-straight spectrum. There's a spectrum with, at one end, people who dissociate sex (or sexual attraction) and emotional attachment (i.e. swingers) and, at the other, people who associate sex and emotional attachment to the point that they require an emotional attachment to form a sexual attraction.
Me either.
@@mememaster147 I would say there are two separate dimensions: an emotional romance attraction one and a sexual attraction one. For the latter one extreme would be probably something like nymphomania while the other would asexuality. For the emotion dimension there could be something like panromanticism (= most likely the wrong word 😅) on the one side and aromaticism on the other side. And demisexuality is where those two dimensions meet? XD
"You are objectively symmetrical and nice to look at"
I need to use this as a pickup line at some point
😂
I laughed so hard at this because I always say, "Your facial parts are in all the right places." And I have said this outloud to people and about people. 😂😂
Yes!!😂😂
Personally I might love that lol! 👍😁👏 It's honest, no BS, not making any assumptions or trying to attach to me prematurely or manipulate/seduce/control me...? A fantastic ice breaker to a great & possibly bonding, attracting conversation/interaction! Bravo lol
Overly specific compliments without explicit sexual suggestion are my favourite thing. Nothing cuter than telling someone their sense of style is really cool, or that they are blessed with the most symmetrical and distinct face, probably with a really cute mole/beauty spot in the perfect place.
I’ve always felt like I was demisexual. I never found myself attracted to the same type of people others were. I mostly had crushes on those that have goofy personalities. Appearance never did turn me on, so long as the person I dated didn’t let themselves become unhygienic, I was content to be with them. I was more attracted to strong sense of morality, strong sense of humor, and a strong sense of responsibility. It always took me longer than normal to feel sexually attracted to people. As of late, I’ve wondered if my social awkwardness was a result of my brain being different than others. Even my own mother thinks I’m unusual. I’ve never been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but I do have trouble picking up subtle cues... and was embarrassed more than my fair share of times when I misinterpreted what I thought were subtle cues.
I feel like I wrote this comment myself. I feel this on such a personal level, every word of it.
omg so interesting
yes I feel extremely attracted to the same kind of things!! and especially if someone is rlly cute omg
and I’ve also wondered about my social awkwardness if it’s jut my brain working differently and having different needs whilst interpreting everyone else would have them but I wouldn’t understand the way they act..yeah it’s all so complicated
I hate that unusual is considered a negative. Being unusual means that we don't follow the stupid ideology of the masses, and then I'm glad I'm unusual.
Lol I was so socially awkward that I decided to do my very best to learn how to be social. Spent a long time people watching and literally studying sociology for me to be like "oh so that's how people work". I've gotten better at social cues and providing context for my thoughts instead of just assuming everyone is thinking like me lol.
"Holy crap, this is me!" Hit it right on the nose! I never understood the whole scene of women going nuts over Magic Mike guys or at strip clubs. I am also very adverse to sweat and touch, so that got in the way as well. Thanks for clearing that up! My husband was my best when the switch flipped. Only had 1 other boyfriend my whole life (50 years). Also, I found that I am more attracted to a smart person and to empathy than to physical traits.
Me too...while my sisters are all in love with the objectively hottest guy in whatever movie we watch, I'm always inevitably attracted to the Samwise Gamgees of the movies. Also a pretty telling example if you have seen Moon Knight---even though they have exactly the same body, I am very attracted to Steven and definitely not to Marc.
I love to look at Magic Mike but he would have to get to know me and develop a bond before I sleep with him 😂
Exactly I'm a girl and my mom and girl cousins all wanted to see Magic Mike but I didn't. They called me a prude but I just didn't care for at stuff. So I went to see "IT 2" that was out while they saw MM, my cousin even asked if I was gay, no I'm not I just feel uncomfortable around that stuff. I'm 34 a just recently found out I'm demisexual.
me watching any of your videos: oh that’s me
...
also me: oh this is not how everyone is
Every. Damn. One. What the hell?!
100% YES!!!!
Me too, for the that's me part. I've figured out long time ago, that I'm different from everyone. That was a years long struggle, why am I different? What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Now everything starting to make sense.
Yes!!!
Saaaame. Every single new thing I discover I end up asking like everyone I know "is this not normal? How did I not know this before??"
* overthinking intensifies *
To which the only reply remains, "better than the alternative" :)
@@gagrin1565 Yeah, in general, but a lot of my overthinking can sort of become anxiety-provoking though. I end up in these thought loops that have obvious dead ends when you arrive at a question with no knowable answer lol. Like honestly, I really don't believe that there is any one standard default for the way neurotypical people experience attraction, and even if there was, it would never be possible to understand through anecdotal evidence.
Me too!!!! I'm spiraling, just digging myself deeper into a hole.
Same
Violet that was my favourite comment in awhile
I'm Demisexual and Bisexual. I have ADD, but not on the autism/ aspie spectrum. However, I could relate to the bafflement of being in "weird" or possibly dangerous when I was young situations and suddenly had to switch gears to get out. I had people assuming that I was promiscuous because I'm Bi and continually had to say "Nah, Ew". I really dislike the pressure to jump into bed with someone. It feels rushed and unsafe. I wish there was a safe space for us Grey/ Ace/ Demi folk to meet and date.
Omg, I spent so much of my years in school explaining that my ability to see physical attractiveness in no way was connected to my sexuality. I felt out of place at times because I had zero interest in actually being connected to another person romantically when everyone else was. I kind of pretended when I was younger (one of my masks) like having reasonable “crushes”.
I really thought everyone felt this way. I assumed when someone thought someone was attractive they meant it as in they find them good looking, not that they wanted to "hookup" lol
yeah...... that is what people mean when they say someones attractive.
Ups 😬 I am 42 now - is that really always the case? 🙈🙈🙈
I’m in disbelief...
I thought that until I found some friends I trusted enough to ask when I thought their definition of attractive is different from mine. But that only happened a couple of years ago and was triggered by a very superficial game where we were supposed to "judge" the attractiveness of people. Without that game I would have been in the dark for the rest of my life
Ditto
not only had I never heard the term demisexual before, I had never realised this was not the norm
It's actually called pansexual she got it wrong
Gracie Amos no it’s not? Demisexual means you are on the asexual spectrum (Demisexual: You are only sexually attracted to a person after forming a strong bond, asexual: You don’t experience sexual attraction at all). Pansexual means you are attracted to a person, no matter their gender or gender identity. You can be Panromantic (romantically attracted to all the gender identities) and asexual/demisexual at the same time.
Same here. I always assumed most people preferred getting to know someone first. Apparently, “normal” people are horny as porn stars!
@@robinrinsmith It's because everyone has the need to feel different. This "demisexual" thing is trash. It's very normal to want to get to know someone first to find an attraction, especially for women. I find lots of women attractive but I don't want to go banging them until I were to get to know them first and find chemistry... that's NORMAL it's called being a normal person. Ugh, everyone has to have a label and be different.
@@robinrinsmith Agreed.
I am 61 years old, and I just realized I must be Autistic a few days ago. I never heard this term "demisexuality" before, but it explains so much about my life. Yes, I too did not understand my peers who had sex with virtual strangers.The idea of strangers touching me was disgusting. I too can admire a handsome man, but have no sexual attraction towards him at all. It confused and irritated some guys. I also never understood how men could imagine I would want to have sex after a few dates. Men liking me for how I looked felt like objectification, and it turned me off. In fact, when men told me how hot or beautiful I was, the more I disliked them.
Yet, I am married 28 years to a man who gave me plenty of time to get to know him.
I agree with you on all points. I am 56 and I've always been disgusted by the objectification of women by men and vice versa. Basically the way I see it is that they are not seeing the actual person inside, so basically treating people like something to be used and then discarded. It's really bizaar to me.
You were the healthy one. Wanting connection with a sex partner does not make you autistic.
@@user-nv3fj8ql2lthey didn't say that makes them autistic?
They were discussing their demisexuality...
everytime I would tell somebody (friends at school, adult colleagues etc) I had a dream with them they would immediately assume it was an erotic dream. I was always like WTF WHY?!?!?! there are countless scenarios your private AI would place other people in, but their jumping straight to sexual connotations explains a lot about how the broken mind of "normal" people works.
I (17/m) am autistic myself and this video accurately represents what/how I feel about things like sex and all this stuff. I haven't had any romantic relationship in my entire life and I've only been romantically attracted to one person, which I knew for about 2 years at this point and only after we did more things together. She was a classmate of mine and at some point, we started working in groups together which worked out surprisingly well. In our free time (especially during the school breaks) we talked a lot about (admittedly very casual) things like our hobbies, but also about more serious stuff like how to deal with the annoying rumours about us being a couple or in a romantic relationship, because I didn't feel any romantic attraction at this time. (I really don't know why some people don't seem to realise that enmity and romantic relationships aren't the only ways of humans interacting with each other and that friendship is even an option at all.) We got along well and long story short, as we spent more and more time together, I slowly developed to feel attracted to her in a romantic way. These feelings got more intense as our friendship developed. Although I was romantically attracted to her, I was just fine with a non-romantic, more friendship-like relationship. I was always happy with the situation and although I really liked her appearance, I never felt the need of any sexual interaction or something like that. I liked her company and being able to talk to somebody other than my very best friend. The friendship kept going with this amount of intensity for about two and a half to 3 years but unfortunately, our relationship got weaker since we developed differently and my romantic feelings disappeared completely as our friendship started levelling off similarly to our kind of relationship before it got more intense. We neither disliked each other nor did we think we were best friends and since my romantic feelings for her dropped off as our emotional bond got weaker, I wasn't disappointed at all as some other people do when such a friendship comes to an end. According to these experiences, I assume that I might be demisexual, maybe even demiromantic, but since I really was romantically attracted to someone only once in my entire life, it's a bit difficult to be 100 percent sure whether my assumptions are correct/valid or not, because there's the possibility that I'm just interpreting my memories incorrectly (all this happened almost 2 and a half years ago) in order to confirm the theory of me possibly being demisexual and/or demiromantic. The fact that I don't really need to be in a romantic relationship or even feeling sexually attracted to somebody in order to be happy, and that I really don't get the point how people can fall in love with somebody or even engage in sexual activities without having formed a deep emotional bond, could definitely be an indicator of me being demisexual and/or demiromantic. Even although I haven't been in a romantic relationship with anybody, I am relatively certain that I care way more about an intense emotional connection than about sex in a relationship. If you, dear unknown person, read so far for whatever reason, you should be thanked a lot for spending your precious free time on reading other people's stories. It would be very much appreciated if you told me whether you consider my current assumptions to be valid or not and maybe even shortly explain why. But that's just an idea and you won't have to do this at all if you don't want to for whatever reason.
You may also just be asexual. You are young still so hard to know
i think as long as you are feeling comfortable with the term demisexual/demiromantic bc it fits your experiences then identifying as such is valid! it is also valid to try and experiment with labels or change your label if a new experience comes into your live.
another term that might fit your story is the general term of fitting under the ace/gray umbrella
bc demisexual is a form of asexuality by definition bc asexual is a spectrum just like neurodiversity is
anyway i hope you are doing fine now 1 year later
The first time I realized I liked someone, I had a panic attack and then I threw up (◍•ᴗ•◍)
Oh my gosh!!! Same! No joke. Same!
Uhm..
Aww
Yep. Happened to me too.
*Nice.*
“That’s a made up word.”
“Every word is a made up word!”
Your name is a made up word.
Literally 🤣 all words are made up so we can get people so if this help you understand me then it a thing 😎
Whfjcjdgrifi is a word I just made up. It means when a person creates a word that has little or no cultural context so as to give the word no significant value or meaning outside of the person who created it.
“Did you hear Jacob going whfjcjdgrifi with that new word he pulled out of his bum at the pub yesterday?”
Pronunciation: WAfykydgreefee
I've considered myself Demisexual for like a year now and I just recently started getting into the process of getting diagnosed with autism. This video was very interesting and I think it was very clear.
I experienced stuff like this before where I was out with friends and one of my friends was like dayum that girl is hot and then imply that she was sexually attracted to her, while my reaction was like yeah, she's very attractive, I'd like to get to know her. And my friend and I would be very confused by the others reactions. Because for me, just because someone is attractive, isn't enough for me to be sexually attracted to them.
I also never understood the idea of hook up. Like sleeping with someone you don't know? With no bond with them? How? Why? What?
Thank you for this video.
Thinking out loud..... Demisexual sounds perfectly normal and if people practiced this more maybe the quality of people's relationships would be more meaningful
good questions😂😂😂😄
Sameee
In my case it‘s a bit different. Like, I can absolutely be sexually attracted to strangers, but I wouldn‘t want to sleep with them (it wouldn‘t feel natural and I want a connection beyond the physical). Being truly intimate with someone (which includes familiarity with their personality, emotions, …) is much more important than sex. I could likely live without it if I could just be intimate with a woman in other aspects.
I think being demisexual myself it worked out perfectly to meet my now husband online. We could talk and get to know each other very well and share what was going on in our lives through video chats and what not. We built an emotional bond this way before meeting in person and now we're happily married and sharing our lives together. I'm still more on the ace side of the spectrum so prefer hugs and cuddles only from him. 😊💜
This certainly explains why my whole life I've never understood why it seemed "everyone" was so obsessed with sex. I mean it's great and all but....sheesh. Now I know. I'm not wired that way and that's OKAY. I've had therapists try to pathologize it, it's ridiculous.
Word for word what I said to a friend a week ago. Normie have a hard time understanding that and in long term relationships it jas been a big issue after a while because I also cannot force myself to be more sexually active than I naturally feel like being, which is nowhere near enough for my partner. And of course, I'm the freak in this ostuation, which is not nice.... So yah, it's VERY rewarding to learn these terms, and find others like me.
You just spoke my mind. Yep. How come I never ran into anyone else who thought like this until now? I hate online dating because it’s like a hookup factory and has little to do with actual personality or relationships...
Sex isn't really a big deal, yet people that are virgins get judged for it. I will never understand it and I would rather feel romantic attraction to others...I'm basically an autistic non-binary asexual.
I always thought sex was a subject that's often inflated in importance.. probably one of the reasons why I'm becoming more and more of a hermit.
I never really understood it either as an autistic myself. When I saw people in high school going on dates and overhearing about their sex adventures, all I can think was "why is this so important to people? It's like sex is just something you check off on a list of things in your head? Aren't they going a bit too fast in their relationships?". I would read fanfics and literally get frustrated if the story focused too much on sex and not enough build-up or fluff to establish an emotional bond.
Now I'm just learning to accept the fact that it OK to think this way about intimate relationships. I'd rather trust and know someone whole-heartedly before I do anything extremely physical with them. and that is okay.
I also feel Demi, I thought this was normal. XD I think it may so stem from survival insticnts; "are you safe for me?"
Yep, even animals have various rituals before sex. And females are the more picky and the ones who take it slowlier. Humans are quite weird in it, at least in this modern society, but I think it´s mostly because of pressure and stress and various mental health issues and desire to be "as good as men", while women have their own strenghts and there´s no need for them to try to be basically a copies of men in everything, including fu*king with strangers. It´s always risky for the weaker one to be in such a vulnerable situation, and the physically weaker one is usually female.
it is normal lmfao
Um, yes. I don't trust strangers enough to expose myself to them.
It takes a while before a stranger can be regarded as a friend.
Yea, I CANT go forward with any attraction unless I like the person. As soon as they ruin it with bad traits, I’m just not attracted anymore. Good instinct, never wrong
Yaassss
This is very interesting. I recently accepted that I am demissexual and since I don't have history of sexual trauma, I was wondering how did I end up like this. And your theory makes a lot of sense to me
Not all demisexuals are sexually traumatized : ) Your identity is valid regardless
There is a simpler explanation:
Nature grades almost everything on a curce. And in most cases it is a Gauss curve. IQ, height, weight, ...
The same is true for how easily you experience sexual lust and how much sexual lust you experience.
You can easily end up in dangerous situations before you realize what’s happened to you. That’s me, gang raped at 14 because I miss read a situation. Molested by my uncle at 15 because of miss communication and being so caught off guard I didn’t know how to stop it. I just learned I am autistic last week, I’m 50. Because of the diagnosis, I can now let some of my shame over these events in my past, and my present as I still rehash them uncontrollably in my brain sometimes. Thank you so much for these videos.
The idea that these people most likely knew you were prone to misreading certain situations and took advantage of your naivety makes me so sick to think about
I am so sorry this happened to you. Never your fault. I have been there an almost let it ruin my life, before I self-diagnosed with ASD. Waiting on a formal diagnosis but WOW, this explains all of those horrible situations I was in….one of my special interests is speech language pathology. Just got my masters degree in it and I’m crumbling at my job because of the social demands of a school setting. I plan to become an advocate for “girls like us” and implement standing up for yourself, recognizing signs of danger, learning how to listen to what your body is saying, etc. I won’t let our suffering be for nothing and plan to help many just like us🤍 this plan and drive to help somehow gives me peace of mind…implementing it is the hard part! Sending peace your way.
I’m really sorry that happened to. I also wish you would put a trigger warning at the beginning of that.
@@someoneanyone365 thank you for your kind words. Bless you in your endeavor.❤️
I can identify with some of what you're expressing. Exploring autism as a diagnosis for myself. I can ... not see but approximate how I contributed to my own traumas, walking into situations naive, curious, wanting to understand connecting to people and utterly not understanding 'normal'.
At age 43, I am determined not to get myself into any more of these stupid, painful situations. Exploring this intersection of autism and demisexuality is likely to be *very* helpful in keeping myself safe.
Ahhhh! Finally!! A video about demisexuality and autism! I’m both!
SAAAAMMMEEE
Same!
Saaameee! I mean a pretty boy or girl for me are like a beautiful painting, a majestic sunset etc. 💛🧡❤️
@@AliaFayOfficial Exactly!
I could be the only male in this group😕
I AM IN SHOCK RIGHT NOW. Had to pause at 7 mins. Oh my God, my life is finally starting to make sense after watching two videos about autism (+ demisexuality in this one). I understand myself a little now. That's great! Thank you!
Me too. I am 61 and could never understand people jumping into bed with strangers... Scary! Gosh what a revelation. Wouldn't want to be any different either.
Exactly the same has happened to me
That hapoens to me so often, aaaaa
Omg I feel so much better now, I felt so bad about not being able to date normally. Thanks so much for making this video!
I remember when I first heard of pansexuality and felt that fit my identity, then a friend coming out and said bisexuality or Demi sexuality fit them best. I understand both sides and feel like when I identify I tell people either pan or Demi. I can understand the attraction to people who are pretty and just generally appeal to me, but it doesn’t mean I want to actually do the do with them lol. that’s where I feel the Demi side come in where I only actually want to be with someone I care for. I’ve been doing a lot of research on autism and feel it does fit me well, and this is another piece of the puzzle of me that fits right. Whether I am autistic or not, I’ve learned so much from you and other women with autism with how open to your experiences and I feel so welcomed. I can’t express enough how much it means to me to hear your experiences thank you!!
Lol ever since I found the word “demisexual”, I had a sigh in relief. I didn’t even know there was a word to describe people like me, I was like “why am I not sexually attracted to guys just by looking at them for the first time?” I realized that my attraction develops after I get to know a person. That can be either an on-screen actor playing a character or a close friend in real life. That’s why I have so few celebrity crushes lol! It probably does have something to do with me being on the spectrum, but I’m not actually sure yet since I haven’t been diagnosed. A few therapists say they notice autistic traits in me so it got me thinking.
It's actually called pansexual she got it wrong
Gracie Amos I disagree. Pansexual refers to being sexually attracted to a person of any gender, ie the gender of the person is not relevant to whether you are sexually attracted to them. It doesn’t mean they are literally attracted to anyone and everyone regardless though. As well as this, a person could be pansexual and still demisexual (like myself: ie I am pansexual in that the person in and of themselves is what I might find sexually attractive, their gender female/male/trans etc is not relevant to me, but I am also demisexual in that I rarely find a person sexually attractive at all, but when I do I reallly do) Demisexual is on a spectrum with asexuality; pansexual is on a spectrum with gay/straight/bi.
@@azoowee2619 no, I'm only attracted to men but I'm also demisexual. Pansexual means attraction to people regardless of gender, and often that could be finding them hot at first glance.
@@tracik1277 "their gender female/male/trans" the transphobia really jumped out there 😳😳😳 "trans" isnt a third gender, shut up pannie
@@_lil_lil that's what bisexual means but go off i guess
I have a very close friend who’s diagnosed with ADHD and I’m 100% sure she’s demisexual because she’s explained how she gets attracted to people and it’s basically this.
I can't believe this. Not only is my name Sam and I'm also 33 and pursuing an autism assessment, but I am also demisexual. Exactly the way you describe it. My jaw is on the floor, I could have made this video straight for my own experience, word for word.
Do people *really* get attracted to someone after one day? Really? I still don’t believe it.
It always makes me think of Elsa from Frozen: "You can't marry a man you just met!" That's how I feel about people who experience instant attraction 😂
How can someone thing somebody is cute without truly knowing there personality this still does not make sense to me
Well, being attracted to someone is not (yet) falling in love. It's basically just wanting to flirt, to interact (physically and intellectually) with that person, having that little tension in the air. It's that little spark that makes everything around that person more interesting. It can become something more, or not. It's certainly not instantly imagining yourself walking to the altar with that person. It's more something like "we've been talking for an hour, I like his smile, I wonder what it would be like to kiss him?.." How is it not believable after one day or even less?
@@Feamelwen Yes, that is believable. I meant attracted enough to sleep with them. That, I don't understand. It takes me much longer to get to that point, even if I am attracted to them.
yes just one day is enough and even less than one day
it all depends on how skilled is the guy in his pickup technology.
"you dont realise whats happened or whats expected of you until its too late" damn i relate to that so much. I feel like its even more harder for me to find a relationship now that I came to that understanding that I am a demisexual and all the guys that i do have interest in wants a friends with benefit/ dont want a relationship....
I have been diagnosed today
Yeah I have an autistic friend who's asexual, they're also very into makeup and dressing well, and they've had that happen a bunch of times. They thought someone just wanted to hang out, turns out the other person thought it was a date 🤦🏼♀
“… any touch whatsoever, for me, is reliant on some sort of connection having already been formed”
All of my life put in quite simple words 😁
Just found out about demisexuals less than an hour ago. It's made so much sense for me. I get weird looks from friends when I say I couldn't be with someone without being friends first. Also I don't hug, shake hands, etc without a ton of anxiety and avoid it. I even have a really hard time with eye contact. I don't really know much about autism. All of this really sounds like me. I might have to look into autism.
I'm a demi too. For me it has been so difficult to really grasp how non demisexual people feel sexual attraction so easily. I used to think that it was wrong, disgusting and even perverted, until I realized that almost all the poeple feels that and I'm not the norm, it was a very enlightening moment, I'm much more respectful now and celebrate how people is different. I also ended up in very tricky situations where people expected sex and I was not even aware. I have the very strong suspicions I'm an autistic person, currently exploring it with my therapist (scored high in one of her tests)
I can relate. It took me a long time to convince myself that non-demisexual people aren't gross and shallow but instead are just wired differently. I also personally could never understand how anyone could have a celebrity crush when they have never met said famous person. Also, I think this could explain why I often find myself attracted to unconventional-looking people, because I have an easier time imagining some kind of personality attached to the person (and quickly lose interest if I guessed wrong about their personality).
I just had an "aha" moment. I've had a lot of aha moments since I found your channel.
I'm demisexual, have been formally diagnosed with ADHD, and am self-diagnosed autistic. This video (and this comment section) made me feel so seen!
I do think the theory that the ASD and the demisexuality could be connected makes sense. Like, the two things dovetail nicely. Here's to the neuroqueers! Happy pride month to us all 💜
I love that term. And I wonder also ho much demi and adhd tendency to have difficulty stopping an activity to have sex when you love the person and enjoy sex with that person but you are just really enjoying the craft project you are doing and the urge for sex is maybe not as much a driving force.
I’m demi, and the explanation at the beginning of this video- about being able to say whether you think someone is aesthetically pleasing the same way you know whether you find art aesthetically pleasing- is SO perfect hahaha. Just because I know someone is good-looking doesn’t mean I feel physically attracted to them! I think a lot of allosexual people really struggle to grasp this concept, and as silly as it may have sounded, I love the absurdity of “it doesn’t mean I want to BOINK the painting!” bahaha. The mere concept of equating physical aesthetics of a stranger with sexual contact sounds just as absurd to me as the concept of equating a beautiful painting with sexual contact
I've had friends of both sexes tell me I'm "like a girl" in that while I find women very attractive, to the point of distraction, I'm not actually interested in having sex with someone unless we're together in a serious relationship. Promiscuity is disgusting to me. Just no. If I'm imagining sex with someone, I'm imagining that we're dating. That's what I fantasize about as much as any carnal imagery.
I wouldn't want to be any other way.
I agree. Maybe it's just old fashioned I mean actually wanting love as the container and not just lust.
How- they...what?
I don’t think is old fashioned to think that promiscuity is disgusting, as someone born in the 90s I always believed that older people were trained to believe that because contraceptives where not common or just taboo, thus you learn to restrain yourself because of that conditioning. I find completely okay that some of us just are not comfortable with the idea of hooking up regularly and people should respect that, not call you old fashioned or a freak.
Completely relate to your comment. I have this habit of getting really embarrassed when I meet guys my age who are decent looking and I often go red in the face. I think it is me jumping to conclusions that this could be the guy for me. I am a daydreamer and when I 'fancy' a guy (and I use that term lightly as fancy can simply mean curious to know a bit more about them as a person) I am fantasising in my mind about what sort of person they would be and what a great relationship we would have together. I am a romantic at heart. When I am on my own my mind often drifts to imagining being with my 'soul mate' and having a great relationship, kissing, sex etc. I will completely lose interest in a guy if I don't think he is a nice person, or if I find anything else that is off-putting (immature, judgemental, etc).
My partner has this belief that everyone messes around at some point in their lives.. which has me feeling concerned, since I've not so much as looked at anyone (in a romantic way) while in a relationship with someone. I never understood why someone would put themselves into a committed relationship if they figured they'd end up getting bored and tired of the other. Obviously, where lust is involved, it's about something superficial that never really lasts. I asked him if we were even in a relationship anymore, he told me I was too sensitive, and completely ignored the comment. I wish I knew more sensitive (decent) people like I've seen in this comment section in my everyday life.
I just found your channel, and subscribed. I consider myself demisexual and bisexual, and I'm currently in the process of getting diagnosed with ASD. I'm personally very convinced I'm on the spectrum.
I don't know if these things are linked, but I've always struggled at understanding how other people find new partners, hook up in bars etc. with such ease. I'm mostly not attracted to anyone, and mostly the thought of touching people or getting touched feels very uncomfortable to me. I'm also able to admire someone's appearance, and even think they look attractive, but in most cases, I wouldn't really want to have sex with them. The few times I've felt actual sexual attraction have required a strong bond, which often in my case has something to do with intellectual compatibility. If I admire how someone's brain works, the attraction may follow. Needless to say, this makes things like Tinder appear insane and confusing to me. 😂
Oh my goodness, I'm relating to this comment so hard right now 😂
We sound so similar! Im currently pursuing a diagnosis
I relate way too much 😶 a lot of my friends make fun of me because of that... but I'm actually impressed how they can have one night stand and enjoy it... Like I really couldn't do that.
@@tiramisunsun Sorry to hear that dude
Leena Same for me... Seems crazy but awesome that I am not the only one ! I really felt alone with these feelings compared to others 😂
This helped so much! I'm in near tears with relief. Since my last bf was 10 years ago and have recently found I was autistic so many of your videos have finally filled in the blank in my reality! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!
this caught my eye cause I came out to my friends recently as demisexual and I'm high functionally autistic. I too wondered if there was a link. Thank you so much for making this!
Your hair looks really pretty with that rose gold...
I've noticed that in her videos too, it's a perfect gradient
I’ve been binging your videos and it’s like a light bulb moment, we have so many things in common it’s uncanny. For me touch is really intense, not that I don’t feel but feel it too much. So if I like them the touch is almost euphoric and feel it to the point I can be described as hyper orgasmic. but if I don’t like them that feeling is just as intense in the opposite way, total revulsion. Sorry that was a bit TMI but really fascinating.
Oh Geez that's exactly what I feel ❤️
Well, I just subscribed and am loving this as a demi person sceduling an evaluation. I'm tempted to do the same.
I haven't watched much content about autism by AFAB people for some reason?
Thank you for posting and adding a bit more clarity in my discovery proces🙏🏼💕 My daughter told me about the label ‘demi sexual’ and recently, at the age of 50, I find more & more RUclips’s and other confirmations that I’m on the spectrum 🙏🏼🌺
I have referred to myself as demisexual since I heard the term a couple years ago, but little did I realize how connected it was to autism til now.
This video strikes up a lot of memories that I've had when it comes to sexuality and how much I had performed about being more attracted to someone off the bat because I thought everyone else was performing it as well.
I can find anyone generally or conventionally attractive but I need to have that emotional connection to feel I'm really attracted to them. Someone's character goes a lot farther for me than their appearance.
I just learned something about myself - I'm demi-sexual. Thanks for this video!
It's a way of protecting yourself. Having indiscriminate hookups with people you don't know can lead to all sorts of problems you could have easily avoided.
Yep, like ending up locked in the cellar for next 10 years.
I don´t get how people have nerves to have sex with total strangers.
I once went to the cinema with a male friend and then next morning he asked me to go out with him again. I was super confused as I had totally not realised that he wanted more than friendship. I still can't tell when people are flirting, but I have really good friends who I can ask, either in person or I will text them and they will let me know.
As a teenager I used copious amounts of alcohol to push myself into social and sexual situations, that I was severely uncomfortable with, out of a fear of being alone. Now at almost 40, after dealing with years of addiction, depression, and abuse, I’d much rather just be alone.
Holy S###! Thank you so much for sharing all this! Your video describes with so much precision and in some cases almost exactly how I feel and felt about so many things in my entire life that for a moment I've got this feeling that I really don't know who I am anymore. ❤️
I think it's because most of us know what it's like to have neurotypical think we're weird so we only develop feelings for people when we feel that they get us and we mask less around them. Once we subconsciously feel like they've validated our autism knowingly or unknowingly we find it safe to develop romantic feelings for them.
But there are also NT demisexuals
@@IsleNaK yes, there are many neural typical people in the grey sexual spectrum, but demi-sexuality and autism are likely bonded by intimacy. It's very difficult to feel the safety needed for emotional intimacy when you're masking, so that emotional comfort being needed for most autistics makes a lot of since.
Except many demi people watching this even aren't autistic per se.
Yes. I was coming from an aspergian prospective. There are probably many nts who are demisexual as well. But some things are more common with people on the spectrum. Savantism, depression, hyperlexia, just to name a few.
Never think your safe in a relationship with anyone, that's the very moment you will be attacked.
I am autistic and also demisexual. I can totally relate to this video.
Everytime I check your videos I get mesmerized by how I can relate to someone so much. 💕 I feel like I belong.
Thank you ❤️
I identified as demisexual before identifying as asexual & demiromantic (currently considering aromantic), and I've been considering the link to autism, too!! I never had considered it before considering that I might be autistic!! And I've always reacted to finding people attractive in an artistic way, explaining my appreciation for their looks as objective or analytical. And I've considered that I might not find anyone attractive for myself sexually or romantically unless i sculpt them myself like Pygmalion and Galatea, ahaha. :)
I'm so glad I found this video. Everything you said makes sense and resonates with me 100%. Now I am reading the comments section and I am overwhelmed and relieved by the number of people who found this video revelatory!
Oh my goodness! We are demi-sexual! This explains soooo much. When you described the dangerous situations that could happen, that happened to us. Now we know why...OMG. Totally floored now. 🎶☕
are this dangerou ssituations like: "oh this guy seems intellectually interesting as a friend, i'll try to make a friendship. and later on everybody is like_ its effing obvious he wants something and you're giving him high hopes" ? ( and i'm lost, scraching my head like: i just wanted a friend, it's not thaaaaaaaat difficult. i'm too naive :( .)
Wow, it really does make sense. I've known myself to be Demi for years and just recently really wondering if I might be autistic. For me, the link seems to be related to the antisocial part of autism. I don't have a huge interest hanging out with people I'm not close to or bonded with, much less want to be romantically involved with them. I just can't understand wanting to kiss someone or have sex with them for just being attractive. I can be a pretty awkward hugger too, if a person still feels new to me or not close, and they offer a hug, I subconsciously tense up, though I try to reciprocate the hug. Heck, I still tense up with people I consider my closest friends. Sometimes I want to comfort a friend and they say touch helps strengthen bonds, but whenever the moment arises, I'm like "ok, now touch their shoulder." But I get nervous and give up. I've only ever romantically loved/had a crush on one person in all of my 25 years of life. Still love her. She's one of my autistic obsessions too, I'm sure.
I hear you. Have gone through a very similar experience.
Damn you just described me
There is a mighty nation beginning to Rally...
the last sentence apart, you explained my whole 44 years of life! iwas so happy pandemicly hug free!!
Been binge watching your content as I’ve been meeting a specific level in my life that coincides with these two things- it started out with exploring my Dyslexia and so thank you for making this video. It’s incredible what people can finally put into words.
almost every video from this site brings me closer to inner peace
Thank you
I'm not diagnosed as aspie for now but the more I read and listen to the most I feel understood and included. Even with this. I discovered I'm ace, more specifically demisexual, a couple of years ago. After a life thinking I was too weird or wrongly made.
Mostly every video from you I see myself and my life. And I feel less alone and less weird. That's so important to me as a very very self-demanding person. I've punished myself all my life thinking I was doing it wrong, masking, pushing myself to exhaustion to fit it... Thanks to people like you I feel more and more free to live as myself. I don't know if I'm really aspie, but I relate so much that just with that I can learn to love the way I'm a little more.
Thank you.
I have only heard the term demisexual two days ago and related to it and have also been researching autism over the last year I feel like everything is coming to light for me.
It's nice to be able to put a name to a feeling I've had all my life. So many embarrassing moments when people ask me if I 'like' them. I don't know. Without an emotional connection, there is no appeal or allure.
yesss, you comparing the painting is how i explain finding a flower visually satisfying
“Holy crap this applies to me” 😬
😒Concured😬
Yes
Actually, I find this to he an interesting topic. I have been a member if AVEN, the asexual visability and education network, for quite a few years. My ex stopped requiring sex after 7 years and I googled found the term and was reading it. We were celibate for 12 years before she left. In the 2 years since, my experiences have led me to the conclusion that I self identify as neurodiverse and that I also am asexual. I realized that one of my masks of adulthood was being sexual while un a relationship, even if I didnt want to. My circumstances are light years different than they were 21 years ago. And I am in a position to understand some things from a different perspective. The paradigm shift that came with my self identifying as ND helped tremendously. But this channel has been a blessing. So thank you Sam, truly. You make a difference.
I didn't know there was a word for this but it's how I've been all my life. Your videos are so validating. Thank you!
Thank you for bringing awareness of this word to me. In turn, I also discovered a new word which applies to me as well and might apply to a lot of us, which is ''sapiosexual'', which is:
''finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.''
100% relatable. I discovered I was demi-sexual in my mid-40s and had previously assumed anyone who was sexually attracted to another without knowing them was some kind of sex addict! Five years later, I was diagnosed with autism in my early 50s. I wish I would have known earlier. It would have made life easier on me and those around me.
Yay! There's the special word for my understanding of love!! I've never encountered this word, so thank you so much. I'm not numb in love, I'm demisexual!
Honestly, my therapist gets puzzled when I describe my feelings about my husband.
- Do you love him?
- Well, he's good to talk to, and he's fun.
- Do you feel passion?
- Er what? He cares about me, and I do the same.
- Is he a pet or a husband?!
This is the most insightful video ever! I recently discovered that I may be autistic (in the process of getting diagnosed as an adult, wish me luck) and I also know I’m demisexual and I was wondering how my autism was affecting my sexuality. I completely agree and resonated with everything you said; thank you for this! 🥰
Thank you for making these videos! You've helped me a lot to figure out many things about myself!
I always thought there was something weird with me, because I have to really like a person, I don't get over the connection easily if it happens, and unlike most other people I can't just go at it with random people just anyone one after the other. I am not the norm, but maybe sometime in a distant past era I might have been. I think some of us are impervious to being trained into the fast paced shallow and casual new norms.
I can look at someone and instantly become sexually attracted to them but being able to relate to each other and effectively communicate is definitely something I need in order to move forward with those feelings and not have them sizzle out.
@Paul Gauthier Moots! Moots! Moots! :3
YES! i am 25 and just got my Autism Diagnosis in the spring and am 1000% DEMI SEXUAL. I always felt "normal" sexual attraction came off as shallow, because people could be attracted to someone they like absolutely nothing about personality wise, based only off physical appearance. I've often wondered if I'm asexual because most times I am seriously not attracted or even repulsed by someones personality traits/behaviors even when they have a nice face. THANK YOU FOR MAKING VIDEOS
i feel so happy ✨ you're saying exactly how i feel, explaining it and i feel so validated and less alone and like it's not a wild thing feeling this way being autistic and demisexual, i feel like it's true, it's real, it's valid, not like i made up everything and it's totally fake like other people say and even make me feel ashamed or doubt myself. thank you, sam 💕💕💕
So happy with you premising the video with "I believe that...." Instead of using language that would sell the theory as certain truth.
I'm in the process of a diagnosis and listening to you makes me cry a lot (in the good way). When I listen to you, I feel ''normal''. I recognize myself so much in your words. This video is amazing. I know since a while now that I'm hetero/sapiosexual (it's when you are sexually attracted by smartness/cleverness), but I realize now that demisexuality is definitely something in my life. I'm not ''in love'' easily. I need to connect with the other person enough that the person is not like an energy black hole and connections between us are solid. I feel so much anxiety when meeting new people and building friendship with someone is an engagement I'm taking with the other person. I mean, it's like a ''special interest'' leaning to know someone and the time and energy I put to do so needs to worth it and it needs to be bilateral because this is when I will let myself be really myself. It can takes months before I feel attracted to someone. And as you, at a moment the person ''do/say'' something and boom ... I feel like I cannot live anymore without him.
I've never heard of this term before, but it makes sense to me, and I can absolutely relate to that. One more complicated thing in my life is so accurately explained - thank you, Sam!
I don't have a formal diagnosis, but everything I learn about autism makes my life make more sense. When I originally learned about Demisexuality I thought that was what I was. But once I learned more about the ace spectrum, I think I'm a little closer to asexual than just demi and so I call myself a grey ace. your insights into the connection between the two are fascinating.
Omg this sounds so true for me. Idk what else to say. It sums me up perfectly. This explains me so much. I have all the symptoms of Autism but not diagnosed. I feel a strong bond with Autism bc it describes me so much.
Omg you are the first person that accurately describes my experience!
You just explained my entire life. I always thought it was just me! Those situations you mentioned where we don’t realize what is expected of us really got me - I’ve been there so many times and been so taken aback and instantly uncomfortable and needing to run. It’s a relief that other people feel this way too.
Yep, I recognised that I was probably demisexual a while ago!
I've definitely met autistic people with very different sexual preferences to me though, so it's not everyone!
It's interesting what you were saying about how 'we don't assume that other people are different from us', with theory of mind. I felt so confused as a teenager with everyone talking about being attracted to people they didn't even know and yet I didn't like to assume that people were different from me.
Now I know that I just can't relate to those types of conversations. It's frustrating at times, simply because not being able to relate at all can feel isolating. But at least I know why now. And honestly, I don't mind having more headspace free for my hobbies and interests or learning. :)
I'm demi-les I love girls but only with an emotional bond
Thanks for going into this topic!
I was literally just thinking about these links about myself then you summed it up so well especially the art comparison!
You hit the nail on the head on the theory of mind issue, also one of my pet peeves if it happens to come up. (In some circles the fallacy of thinking everyone thinks basically like you is called the "typical mind fallacy", at least if it's particularly pronounced. Not sure how widely adopted the term is though.)
Not that you didn't hit many other nails as well, but I was particularly pleasantly surprised at it coming up here out of the blue, providing (additional) peer validation for that thought pattern. (Among us typical minds and all...)
Sam, I just found your channel yesterday and am so pleased I did! You have so much knowledge and I'm excited to dive in. I'm 55 years old and believe I'm on the spectrum, even though I haven't been diagnosed. It explains SO many things in my life and actually makes complete sense. So thank you for being brave enough to share with the world (I'm in America.)
As far as demisexual... a resounding YES! I was a teenager in the 80s when the Big Hair Rock Bands told us that everybody is and should have "monkey sex" with random strangers just because they looked yummy. I found myself in so many uncomfortable situations, I hated it... and now I finally have the reason and the words to explain my experience. Thank you.
Great to have you watching! Happy new year
I grew up Mormon in what seems to me a very sexually deviant area (there is just something wrong with those kids). I'd be eating my lunch in middle school and have the whole "my friend likes you but is too shy to come over himself, will you go out with him?" interaction. I'd look over at "friend" and wave then turn back to person and say "no" because 1) I didn't know them to know if I'd like them, and 2) Mormon guidelines is no dating till 16 so it was a rule in my house. I was always friends with someone first and didn't understand the "friend zone".
I cannot tell you how much I relate to this Sam. This is so perfectly explained, and I especially relate to the icky feeling of having someone (a stranger) look you up and down in a sexual way. Urgghhh!!! Makes my skin crawl. I even dress very modestly just so that I never encourage men to look at me in that way. Of course I would want a partner to find me attractive but that’s different. I also relate to everything you said about touch. Intimacy is a very sensory experience, and I couldn’t imagine feeling comfortable with touch unless I really knew, trusted, and had strong feelings for someone. Thanks for making this video ❤
Your vocabulary is excellent. I love listening to you.
"Demisexuality" is simply being a normal, healthy human being. Our world is so hypersexual, we see this as something weirdness??
Thanks for your great videos. Excellent & very helpful.
💯 YES!
I totally agree
Sorry, no. people can choose to not act on their feelings, but there have been brain scans that show the difference between demisexual and "regular" sexual people. It is not a choice, it is how your brain works. Having self control over you sexual feelins/behavior is not the same thing as having no control, ie not you choice. Demis dont choice to not be attracted they just are not. I dont know how else to explain. It isnt about self control, its about an inability to be sexually attracted. Someone can be demi sexual and want to have sex, but still not sexually attracted.
@@rpeters5102 pulled the words out of my mouth
Demisexuality is really not "simply being normal". Humans are mammals and therefore have the urge to reproduce. THAT is normal. Just because you and me don't understand that feeling doesn't make us the normal ones.
Our world is so hypersexual because it is a big part of most peoples life
Huh this is really eye opening and kind of has me tearing up. I recently have been diagnosed with Aspergers after years of feeling different, and I knew I was demisexual and to know there are others like me who are both on the spectrum and Demi is amazing to hear
This channel is just such a treasure!
I have come across the term some time ago and thought that it accurately describes my experiences. And now watching your channel I can see how this trait in me and some other ones are not a stand-alone items but a interconnected system. And once again, as with many other things, I lived until the 30+ age to realize that the major of people is not like that at all.
Your channel makes me feel good about myself and my perceptions. Thank you, Sam!
Yes, your videos are absolutely relatable. I want to thank you so much for sharing everything you do :)
My goodness, yes yes yes. Never know there was a term for that, I just thought I was "weird"
"You are objectively symmetrical" - I´m going to use this to pick up.
hehehe
I recently self-diagnosed with mild aspergers at age 44 & life makes SO much more sense now. Thank god for RUclips & this community that allows me to finally feel like I am not crazy. I only recently discovered there is a term (demisexuality) for the way I have always felt and assumed everyone else always felt (but they don’t) about attraction. Don’t get me wrong… I can appreciate a beautiful human being with the best of them. But I don’t feel “safe“ enough to connect on that deeper level until we have clicked in a deeper, more personal way. In the same regard, I have met people who were maybe not super attractive to me right from the get go, but once we got to know each other, and we bonded, they suddenly became super duper attractive to me. The inverse is true as well… Beautiful people who have offputting personalities stop being attractive to me all together once that reveals itself.
I love how you express yourself!
I'm quite the opposite, I'm always very interested until I get to know them.
Perhaps you should look up for the label "fraysexual", it is the opposite of demisexual, meaning you feel sexual attraction at first but it vanishes afterwards.
Look inward
‚Interested‘ that’s it! Curiosity.... but then it vanishes.
jesus this just blew my mind and turned shit upsidedown!! I generally identify as asexual and have recently started researching late diagnosis of autism in women, and it's like everything is falling into place now... this makes so much sense!! Not that I know if I'm autistic, but I relate to basically everything you describe. Thank you for this video!!!!!
I just discovered you today and good lord you are speaking my language, my experience. I just thought I was all wrong. Running through so many of your videos. Thank you so, so much.
I've never resonated with anything more than this video. Thank you for sharing, it's been very helpful.
wow, I think you just put into words what I have been feeling all along. I was diagnosed with Dislexya at the age of 10 and I have two younger brothers which are autistic. At the age of 25 I had never had sex, had almost no sociel interactions outside my universitey classroom and wasn´t sexually attracted to anyone. So I went looking for answers, the best I could come up with was "I just don´t know how it works", until I found out about Demisexualaty, and thought this must be it! I don´t have friends outside my own family so how am I to divelope sexual feelings without social interaction? But I kept on investigating and this year at 27 years, after lots of tests and phycological evaluations I was diagnosed with autisum. sorry for my spelling...