I have aspergers and I am a man. Went through a divorce in my mid 20s and only was married a few years. And had 2 other relationships since never ended well. And just started a new one I decided to swallow my pride and tell her upfront and even sent her a link to this video because she was complaining about my communication and made me feel not good enough. She watched it and said she understands a bit better now. Thank you ladies for all you are doing for men like me.
Edward, I have a friend in the same position as your partners. She is in the same position as your previous relationships. He is a physically loving person especially his husband duties, kids, chores, time ect, he just cant express it mentally. She asks and pleads with him for more mental stimulation. How should she express or tell him to do this?
I am in a relationship with a man with Autism(HF). As mentioned in the video, communication can be a challenge and physical interaction can be slightly awkward. He also is usually keenly alert to the smallest details, which drove me crazy. However, we are learning to love each other daily. He is the best! A wonderful man, incomparable to any! Best wishes to all my Aspie lovers!
Yeah it is realoy a blockage in awkardism u want to not be u dont knoe how to tho u do buti t blocks it I have felt confidence before and no fesr it felt good soemtimes I wish I could get back to that rare and thsoe rare flashes well cbd helps and it doesnt make me deppressed like pills and makesm e feel great! Why u never judge a book by its cover people have issues and if u make fun of a dick And they have an issue that they cant help with or tell just letting u know ur the real dick lol
I was dating someone with high-functioning autism and he was so harsh, short, dismissive and irritated with me a lot of the time. Any time I was upset about something he had difficulty empathizing and would tell me to just "get over it." It was very hurtful to be honest... ;(
missmerbella www.faaas.org/assets/final-salve.pdf Hope this helps. It was excruciating being with my Aspergers partner. Off/on since 2003. Had a child together etc. Wasn’t diagnosed until his behaviors were too much after baby born. Very difficult. Was ok as a coworker, but after dating a while and the communication/relational side...lack of reciprocity and empathy were very traumatic for me.
Sounds like he lacks the emotional bandwidth to hande a relationship. However, there are many that do. A lot of it has to do with if they've had any sort of therapy, and if so, what kind.
Elizabeth F emotional bandwidth in Aspergers is pretty narrow, par for the course. It is part of the disorder. Emotional, social realms are part of what makes it such a relational struggle. They do not do well with understanding others emotional states or expressing their own emotional states... it makes true, deep connection (being truly seen and understood) pretty impossible. If someone is fine with a superficial, functional, logistics based, roommate scenario...this can work. It’s very dissatisfying and painful for a person who wants more connection, authenticity and depth, however.
That's not entirely true. It has to do to vague nerve underdevelopment. There are therapies designed to assist in the growth and development of the vagus nerve..and lots of different skills we can learn to moderate our emotions. There will always be challenges, but with willingness I have seen many Aspies become subclinical. In other words, the liabilities and worst characteristics are mitigated to the point that they no longer interfere on a measurable level. The quirkiness and innocence is still there, but the sardonic comments, harsh tongue and superior tone are greatly reduced. Much of it has to do with becoming comfortable with emotions instead of panicking, blaming others and trying to make them go away. (It has often been compared with PTSD.) Try not to paint with such a wide brush. Finding out someone has AS doesn't mean they're *definitely* going to be an a-hole anymore than finding someone has cancer means they're going to die... Find out what they've done to mitigate it, THEN decide.
Elizabeth F I’m medical professional. Not only have I spoken to a neuropsychologist, who work with ASD as a specialty, but another psychologist who has written books and helped people internationally. Just like everything else, ASD has individual nuances. I do know of the polyvagal nerve therapy concept. Yes the vagus nerve is involved, and influences, many functions. ASD is genetic often brought on by epigenetic influences. Toxins in environment is a huge trigger, the gut microbiome is huge (a current area of study for me)...those with ASD are being consistently shown to have dysbiosis. The gut/brain axis portion is huge. It’s multifactorial and pieces often influence other dynamics. It’s not as simple as vagus nerve...which may or may not be a part of ASD for some. And while some people can improve the emotional/social aspects, many can not change enough to provide the reciprocity, support and connection needed for a healthy, interdependent relationship. Have you been in relationship with someone with aspergers? It sounds as if you’re speaking from experiencing aspergers from a different realm...but not as a NT, with a painful relationship with someone with ASD. That’s fine, but your paradigm will be slanted and myopic, unless you’ve experienced it...or have good capacity for empathy and understanding the actual multilayered/multifaceted factors at play. I keep hearing you defend Aspies in relationship, without hearing or acknowledging the immense pain, heartache, longterm, deep struggle. Trying to convince us NT’s that it’s not that bad... is like me trying to convince an open heart patient that they’re just fine and that some patients don’t need much pain med. That’s not going to convince that patient they’re not in pain. As a matter of fact, it adds fuel to the fire. Not only are they in pain, but additionally, their pain is dismissed and minimized. So, they are in pain and unheard. Even worse. That right there is EXACTLY what many of us have experienced day-to-day, with Aspies. They inadvertently gaslight us, by inability to see what we are experiencing...and instead try to convince us of a different reality. It’s maddening. I suspect you have Aspergers.
I started to cry during this video. I lived with one for seven years.. He was nice, stable, had humor and was a hard worker with good economic. But as Adrienne says, there was problems with eye contact, communication and touch/sexuality. I loved him, but I felt so lonely in the relationship. No affection, no sex and no touching.
@@susanlore345 It was a friend of mine who pointed out, that he in many ways, seemed simular to her daughter who had this diagnose. When I started to read about it all the boxes clicked. He agreed to take a home test, and he scored, even as a grown man, very high. But he refused to go counselling, and did not want any form of help with our realationship. I wish we could have done that. Because in that in that moment I realized there was no turning back.
Never eye contact,never understand my feelings,never complimenting my.Intimacy also very cold.I have tried hard all 25 years (nothing help)I am the one who keep our family together.They never change (maybe only for 1 month) Be prepared for lonely life for ever
I have aspergers and came to realize that dating was going to be alot tougher for me. Fast forward 9 years and i've completely given up on the concept of dating. It could just be the pathetic hookup culture where I live that's responsible. The thing is most aspies are very quiet, overly sensitive, and unable to act accordingly to social cues. These are all things i've learned over the years. Unfortunately if you're dating an aspie, you can't count on that always being the case. The biggest keys for success involve patience, kindness, and time.
Lots of ppl detest today's hookup culture. Don't be discouraged. I work on developing myself when I'm not with a partner, that's what I feel everyone should do. Invest in ourselves so we are feeling good about who we are when we come face to face with our right person. Aspies offer some great qualities that are not always easy to find, and yet so valuable to neuro-typicals.
You adapt and adopt to a very PATIENT and space giving mind frame!! They’re over achievers - quirky - never sleep and always creating! But good GAWD I love ‘em!
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy - here is the thing about loving someone who either has this diagnosis or is extremely intelligent, the more I dove into Buddhism (the mindset of living in the present) the closer and more intimate we got! He doesn’t have regret (that’s the past) and he doesn’t have fear (that’s the future). Everything is right here and right now because that’s a tangible reality for him - a state that is measurable. So when I drift into that me-me-me space it baffles him! That space is future fear stuff. He also sees nothing is wrong if I haven’t communicated my feelings - I can’t assume he’s assimilated all of my hints and cues I’ve thrown at him when I’m silent. And if I want him to know something, I have to tell him. If we are planning to meet each other then I choose to be super flexible as to his arrival time because again he chooses not to live in the future. If I need his affection, I tell him. If I’m proud of his achievements I again tell him. Otherwise the nonverbal communication I throw at him could be scrambled. He’s very linear and real-time. I’ve stuck around this “genius” for 7 yrs because I’ve learned to be a better person. Life isn’t always about me
Helena Hart - I also am a mom of 2 with special needs and I also work with people of all ages with special needs.... Content like this is GREAT and SHOULD be addressed! They should not be treated as imbeciles or non-touchable. Einstein was autistic (I believe) and he was an amazing man who contributed so much to society and history overall. I have experienced so much soul growth in working with them as well as being absolutely in love with a man who above in intelligence- I even pulled away from Facebook and Instagram and just concentrated on the beauty of being....divinely different
As a man most likely on the asbergers spectrum, I would say the most important thing is to be direct. To explicitly state what you want. Don't hint - he won't pick up on it. If you want a hug, ask for a hug, or initiate it yourself. Also important, don't have a go at him for not having done what you want when you never asked him in the first place. He will take this as random unfair punishment. On the other hand, you can be as direct as you like telling him the truth in a neutral way e.g. If he is smelly - tell him "you stink, go take a shower and put on clean clothes" he will almost certainly not be offended by such directness. If you are bold enough and you like a man on the spectrum, be super assertive. Act like he belongs to you unless and until he actively says no. (highly unlikely - he will almost certainly go for what is emotionally easier, and if you are assertive enough, the easiest thing is to be with you and give you whatever affection you demand) by being assertive I mean hug him whenever you want a hug. Directly demand whatever attention you want when you want it, but never assume he will anticipate your emotional needs. Establish a routine that suits you, and take charge of how he interacts with you physically and emotionally. He will probably become highly attracted to you, and at the same time a little bit afraid of you.
Lel... I’m an Aspie... That first one I relate with so much... hinting is just hard for me to recognize... but I believe we can teach ourselves to notice these things more often. uwu
Siquomb1 As someone who has aspergers he might be afraid of rejection, or not use to someone saying yeah sure I’ll go with you. He may have difficulty understanding if you actually want to go. Texts are literally nightmares for us. So call him and say in a caring voice I’ll go with you and see how he sounds in response. You might also not understanding that him saying no to you is not the same no he’s thinking what I mean is no, you don’t need to when he’s saying no and you taking it as firm or aggressive. I don’t have much background so I can’t really know and this is just how I interpret. I usually tell someone that I have interest in how to communicate to me so I understand it’s very difficult and not easy which is why dating is very hard unless the other person is familiar with aspergers and educated themselves on the matter before going deep. Since having a family member with aspergers isn’t the same as dating someone who has aspergers when all previous relationships were with “normal” people it’s a learning curve and not a easy one if your not patient.
I am finally leaving my husband of 4+ years because of his rages, aimed towards me. I just cannot take any more. He has 10 out of 10 Asperger's symptoms, but refuses to face it. Also no intimacy, eye contact for that long...good luck to you all who are willing...
@@DawnMaxwell-y4z , I moved out, and by my own choice, kept a loving friendship with my ex, it has solved the problems, as I read others did the same, in several other comments. Asperger's is too hard to live with, but we are friends now, I made the right choice for my life. I am happy now.
@@karencarty6530 I thought my husband was a quiet Christian man . After a year and a half I had him move out 2006 he was slacking way too much. I found out what it was 2019. He’s back 2022, I can’t take it caring for someone that won’t talk and looses everything thing important. I’m filling 57 years of his retirement papers not him . He’s lazy and likes to be alone. He finally admits to be he knows he’s “ different “. 2004 he told me “ I know I’m slow and will use it to my advantage “. That’s not fair to me . He’s on Leave until retirement starts. He’s home today he usually is out but it’s raining. He won’t talk, Feed himself. Anyone with this or other disorders should be told not figure it out !
Thank you Helena and Adrienne for not leaving this community out. I am the Aspie wife, the female outward presentation of autism is different from those of males’. But I can share my two cents of my experience with intimacy. Sensory issue is a big point shall not be left out. I can enjoy intimacy (touching, sex) just as much as any neurotypical people can if my surrounding is dim/dark, quiet and a confined space is preferred. Eye contact up close is still challenging, I have made it to 2 seconds without slipping into fight/flight mode. If the environment is dark, it doesn’t matter that much anyways, 😜. And we autistic people like expected, non sudden, deep pressure touch/hug. Don’t approach and touch us from behind, pls
Thank you, this is so important to express with the man. Do you have any advice for ladies expressing this with a man? We appreciate your feedback or anyone else who can respond with advice. ❤️
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy I am the autistic wife here and my husband is neurotypical, patient, compassionate and intelligent (I highly recommend asperger females to look for men with such traits.) I expressed how I feel when he gazes into my eyes, like being threatened, overwhelmed, bodily sensation like heart attack. I cannot stand being touched when the environment is bright, with other people, lots of movements going on. I am too distracted to be in the intimate mood at a place with regular lights, sound, etc. Anxiety is another common issue. Partners who can be consistent help us a lot to ease the anxiety.
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy oh, I misread your reply. As for ladies whose parters are autistic. I would suggest express your feelings/needs in a literal concrete and specific way. (Don’t expect us to get the cues) Giving Aspies some time to switch in between activities. Giving limited choices, avoiding open ended questions. Encourage Aspies affectionately and warmly when we do the right things. Show a lot of appreciation, allowing and trusting. Using hand stop sign to stop us from excessive talking at you.
It's interesting listening to neurotypicals speak about aspergers from their view. Many persons living with aspergers have learnt and practiced social cues and will therefore seem normal to a large extent. We're usually not as fragile and needy as you make us seem. I think most aspies crave understanding more than moral support.
I'm a 52 year old guy with an adult daughter with Asperger's. Her mother (my first wife) decided that monogamy with me wasn't for her after 21 years. This was about 7 years ago. Anyway, long story short, my new wife (of 5 yrs now) knew from the beginning about my Aspie daughter and says that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's but almost all the signs are there. Anyway, I forgot why I was telling y'all all this but thanks for letting me vent or whatever it was.
@@HelenaHartCoaching thank u good toxknpw so happy that girls dont reaoky care insteada just rejecting they undesrstand and care po lthank yall so kuch
I think I’m going to cry. I’ll be 35 in August and never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin. I hate the traits that my Aspergers presents like; lack of eye contact, stammering a lot when nervous and blanking out the right things to say (I hate small talk). The majority of women love confident guys so I try as hard as I can to mask those traits but it’s so exhausting and the amount of frustration drives me to tears.
As a guy on the spectrum I hear you Loud and clear! I didn’t even discover I was autistic until last year and I’m 39 now. Looking back I’m at a loss for words as I see so much masking and confusion. When it came to relationships I found I could attract women fairly easily but everything after that was difficult, confusing and draining! I basically had to pretend to be a normal guy and that drained the life out of me. And what’s the point of being in a relationship where you are “pretending” all of the time? So I’ll just stay single
Btw I also hate small talk and it has made school, work and all relationships to be so much more difficult. What’s worse is the older I get the more I hate small talk and the faster it drains me . I do not like it
@@brianmeen2158 Those are the wrong type of women. I'm sure there are a good number who'd accept you for who you are. I'm never giving up the possibility to find one as well.
Bro. Although I've had sexual partners and I've had short term relationships. They only last long enough for women to realize who I am behind the mask. And when it gets too difficult for them, they end things.. I can't relate entirely, but turning 35 in a few months, without having a life partner and having been left because there's realization of my aspergers, it crushes me. I've cried many nights in loneliness.. Just know you're not alone bro, my prayer for you is that you do find someone who sees and appreciates you for who YOU are. Love from South Africa, brother
@@the_unpopular_christian Thank you for the love bro. I’ve come to the realization that mild autism/Aspergers isn’t that much of a dealbreaker as I thought. I’m am still treated like I’m invisible around women but maybe one day I’ll find that super understanding compassionate gem that loves me for me and I hope the same happens for you. Love from Canada.
I love how much they authentically apreciate each other. In many ladies you feel a subtle hate or a fake interest in the other Party. Here everything is so genuine.
Difficulty with hugs, doesn't want to make eye contact, communication was different, facial expressions awkward, intellectually or artistically gifted, interprets words literally.
He is the smartest and honest man. He is my first bf. He is faithful . I love him so much. I know such symptoms, even if sometimes that’s what happens to him, I understand him. So I like those men with Asperger's syndrome. They are very sweet and loyal. They love anime, color and reading books, they also have interests. sometimes you don't understand either but I'm here to always understand him. Sometimes he asks me what I want even on a movie date and we watch. He's really cute☺️ I love him so much. He is a wonderful person who is tender and hardworking❤️❤️❤️
... the most hurtful and painful when he said with no emotions "I dont love you I like you" you". If you can live with it congratulations. Thanks for an excellent video 🌻
I have never been screened or officially diagnosed, but I know that I am on the spectrum. It has always felt like there is an invisible, impenetrable wall between myself and everyone else. The only people who are on my side of the wall are my family and my best friend who I have known since the second grade. I have come to terms with the fact that dating will be a very, very improbable activity for me. I have to accept myself as is, even if the entire world doesn't.
There's a great website called Asperger Experts which has great resources for learning how to process emotions so that we CAN do relationship. There IS hope. :)
The important thing is to be clear, direct and concise in your communication. A few important reminders are: a) Don't try to change them. It is a PHYSIOLOGICAL thing. They can learn skills, etc.. but the autism will never go away. b) Autistic people have a marked inability b to connect the dots. Connect the dots for them --in love. c) Any display of hostility or disappointment will shut them down. Aspies (believe it or not) are very sensitive and vulnerable to criticism. Their Vagus Nerve makes them incredibly vulnerable to hostility--which will cause them to implode.
I recently discovered that the man I love is on the spectrum. I yelled at him in a way that shut him down completely. How to do I go about fixing things with him?
My question is I think someone who I have just become serious with has this. I don't know how to discuss it with him if or if he is aware he's very different but he's also amazing. He had a hard child hood was raised in foster care and didn't know how to read until 14 but now he's like a genius very very intelligent man, very focused, very structured with the same daily routine. It's really hard to explain him but it's more like the social skill part is off you can tell there is a big difference. It seems like it's harder for him to flow when having back & forth ongoing conversation he responds a lot slower a lot of times he wait's with dead air like he's thinking before he responds and if you ask him a simple question he goes into such deep detail he will go on & on like he doesn't know when to break. When he's talking to you he's very focused in his eyes like he's staring into your soul. He's a little monotone kinda like robotic but he also has great qualities. His foster parents worked with him so much so he knows everything to do lives on his own it's more like he's very high functioning but I don't believe he's ever been diagnosed. He's been told by people that he talks a lot some people have told me he's slow or off and he's definitely now slow it's more like he's a genius and can do anything but there is also a disconnect somewhere. Now that we have gotten more serious I don't know how to discuss this with him??
Tiffany Shine my question is, is it really necessary to be diagnosed? Will it change anything? I’d lean back and continue dating him and if it’s troublesome use your tools. When you’re married if it’s an issue address it but don’t let diagnosing him become slow poison to the relationship. ❤️
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, nature, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead and initiate romantic/sexual relationships. This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc. People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships. As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, take the lead or make the first move, begin an interaction with a woman first, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women." i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
@@HelenaHartCoaching because of that, I feel that guys with autism or just guys who don't do well socially, I feel they are entitled or have a right to have hatred or resentment towards that gender role or tradition that men are expected to make the first move or talk to women first in terms of starting a relationship.
This is so true, I was once on a date where the woman I was with apparently made a lot of overly obvious signals that she wanted to do be physically intimate. I found out cause my friend laughed at me when I told her the story of the date. It's hard to explain to the women that I date (which is rare) that I really don't understand what's going on, and that can be really frustrating to them. I want to be a good boyfriend, and I constantly ask what's going on and what I could do, but they tell me " you should just know" which is not helpful xD
@@jmc6326 yeah at the same time, women expect us men to be able to easily read and understand their subtle signs or hints, women think they are making it extremely obvious, but it's oblivious to many men.
@@nobodysperfect06 That's not exactly what I'm talking about. Like everyone around me, guys and girls alike are picking up on it, and I'm just like nope. As an example, I don't understand emotions usually until they're at extremes. So if someones upset, it doesnt register with me until they're crying, I miss the build up to it. It's not cause I dont care, I just dont see it. It's tough to explain that to someone though. Because I lack confidence in reading social interactions, I have a lot of hesitancy in pursuing relationships, which is why I found your post so relatable
"Masculinity" doesn't exist. A woman who takes initiatives is attractive, but of course, no one wants to feel pushed. I am 41 y.o. man (boy/whatever) having Asperger. Hugging is not a problem, but I don't like tongue kissing. Sometimes I want to do a lot together and sometimes I just need to be left alone for a couple of days as when I compose music. I can be very rejecting under those periods. Also, when I have food and stomach and sleeping problems, I get really dark thoughts, extra autistic (missunderstand things I normally don't, because I am not focused on the present etc.) and can't take even the slightest conflict. I generally can't take criticism and have anxiety, suicidal thoughts, violent fantasies etc. I easily get very destructive and tend to think negatively. One thing you didn't bring up was that persons like me with Asperger can sometimes freeze and get quiet and very difficult to communicate with. My brain just say "This is too much, I am out." sometimes when I am overwhelmed by information and impressions - especially if I am already stressed out and in a bad shape. How do you deal with this in a relationship?
Each new year I realize just how different I really am, sometimes I feel sorry for those that "know" me, especially sad for those that tried to know me, as I pushed them relentlessly aside. Bottom line, better off alone, quiet, safe ~~ good luck in this world!! ~~
@@sbsman4998 I agree. He needs to stay single or he'll end up hurting some poor, unsuspecting female and also probably himself in the process. Sorry, but it's true.
Aspies thrive on routine. Make routine work for the both of you. It may not always be exciting, but it can provide connection. When a man with Asperger's knows what's expected of him, he can focus like a laser.
I met my bf online. He lived in another state. We visited each other a few times for the weekend. I fell in love and I I guess he did to, he decided to move to my state after 6 months. Never noticed anything different until he moved in with me. I noticed “weird” or abnormal behavior. For example, we’ll be eating dinner and he’ll just get up in the middle of dinner and wash his hands then go back and continue eating or get up and do random things such as start wiping counters or washing a few dishes in the sink. I’ll tell him” babe finishing eating first don’t worry about it” Also, I noticed he doesn’t comprehend certain things or jokes, funny movies and such. We had our first big argument because he decided to go behind my back and start looking for a home to buy. I was emotional trying to get him to understand and told him what he has done is wrong, and told him he needed to move I wasn’t going to wait until he found a house. He flipped on me. He picked something up and slammed it to the floor breaking it, I walked away scared and saw him laying on the ground breathing kind of hard but no tears. He then was begging to please let him stay. I felt bad. He apologized for getting angry and breaking something and said “ I don’t know how to communicate with you” After living together for a couple of months. He just seemed odd. I noticed he doesn’t like confrontation. Like he goes with the motions. He doesn’t know how to communicate. He kind of seems cold. To me he really doesn’t feel what he did was wrong. He said he needed his own place because here I have no order or plan ahead. Which I feel there is and I do but he’s extreme. Also, when we’ve gone to family gatherings, ge goes in his own car and acts awkward around my family. He often wonders off by himself at a family function. He says things that don’t make any sense, it’s irrelevant. He also, seems like he doesn’t understand when I’m crying and emotional why I’m hurt. He’ll just say just relax go to bed. Like he lack empathy. And it makes me mad even more lol So I started thinking maybe he’s autistic. A lot of what you say on these videos describes him.
You are both wonderful. As an Aspi, although some women were attracted to me, I never realized that women could find this circumstances attractive, even though I courted a woman who I was attracted to because she was even more introverted and I wanted the satisfaction of drawing her out. Ultimately she dumped and ghosted me because she had Borderline Personality Disorder (what a combination!) So an important book to recommend is Smart Women, Foolish Choices, which advises men to date someone who like them. That's simple advice, but a woman can turn from affectionate to hostile. The song is Stormy by the Classics Four. Yesterday's love was like a warm summer breeze, But like the weather, you changed. Now days are dreary baby and it's windy and cold, and I see it's cloudy all day, You went away! O Stormy, O Stormy, Bring back that sunny day!
Im a pretty direct person and I feel my husband doesn't take me seriously that i'm very upset is if I am crying. I have Bipolar II/ Anxiety (takes medication)....Husband has Aspergers/ADHD/Anxiety (does not take medication) . I wish getting him to hug me wouldn't feel like pulling teeth. He is very affectionate with our dog....I wish I could have half the affection he showers on her,
@@julieb8730 were you the one who introduced yourself to him first or asked him out first? How did you and him meet? just want to say that's awesome and very admirable because it still seems rare for a woman to initiate a relationship
Brooooo. To the ones in the comments talking about how you wish you left your aspergers SO. You got a right to do what makes you happy. But damn some of your comments are gross and your relationships just suck, not necessarily the aspie. Patience is part of any relationship, in some more than others.
I agree some of the comments on here reek of ableism. It’s actually really hurtful to people dxed with aspbergers or any social learning difference frankly as life long social challenges are an issue. Please try to understand and not just from an NT lense. Everyone wants to be included and loved. This is my challenge to NT comentors to understand another’s perspective. I can fully validate how frustrating it must be to not always have your needs met, to feel ignored or emotionally invalidated or to not have communication in the way you must like. Then you need to sit down with your partner and have a discussion or if your needs can’t be met leave the relationship so they can find someone who loves them for all they are. JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP. Try please living everyday in the shoes 👠 of the world judging you for all social interactions before judging please and take a step back and imagine how hurtful that must feel living in that skin before you judge or condemn. This is my invitation to NT partners. Not to invalidate relationship struggles but to invite you to understand from a different perspective or lense than your used to. This comes from an adult with NLD some say we’re on the spectrum some say we are not. But social cues is also hard here. This is a learning disability and neurological wiring and it’s social blindness it’s the same thing as being in a wheelchair. You wouldn’t tell someone in a wheelchair to walk without their wheelchair. It’s like being color blind and people must understand that lds or different neurological wiring is as legit as being in a wheelchair accommodations must be made. It’s not fair for us to always be doing the bending in a world that feels like it’s is deliberately cruel to people with social LDS. Please always practice kindness and compassion before you judge. This is coming from a life long hurt of people misjudging and misunderstanding me.
Somebody needs a device or some tool that can help us spot a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, asperger or incel men before we fall for it and end up getting attached.
Hi Annie, these videos might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/_jARxknc160/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/x8yKaWNdq7g/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/44nvPtjpPls/видео.html.
Great discussion . Im a guy that recently found out I am autistic . I have to ask women the question: why do you want hugs every day from your guy after work? Does the hug just make you feel better ? Do you crave that moment of affection with someone you care about ? I’ve always been puzzled by affection as it’s something I’ve never craved nor enjoyed
Thank you! The reason is probably different for everyone, but I’d say it often has to do with enjoying the affection and closeness with the person you love.
I just met a man who is clearly interested in me but I suspect he's on the spectrum. He doesn't flirt or respond to flirting, keeps a lot of physical distance, and seems terrified to make a mistake. But he's really smart and conversational. He won't call and prefers to communicate in writing. He's 67 and a widowerer. I don't want a male friend and I think he could be a good boyfriend.
@@allaboardthegravytrain5987 You're right sadly. If he is still like this at 67, nothing is going to change. You will end up extremely frustrated by him.
Helena and Adrienne, what do we do when we're the one with Asperger's? I keep seeing advice everywhere for men with AS... but it is very difficult being the one who is misunderstood and her motives assigned incorrectly most of the time. Being criticized for traits I can do NOTHING about (because they're physiologic rather than psychological) hurts more than you can imagine. I get treated like it's a flaw in my character, and what's wrong with me that I haven't fixed it yet? It's harder to hold fast to self esteem when so many people judge based on outward appearances. People wouldn't dare say something like that to a deaf or blind person... but it's just a different type of that physical a difference.
Hi I stumbled upon your comment & as a woman recently diagnosed with Asperger’s at 28 I found Rudy Simone’s books Aspergirls and 23 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Wants Her Partner to Know to be very helpful in understanding myself & explaining it to my partner. I totally understand how painful it is to have things that are completely out of your control attributed to personal failings. My partner & I are currently working through this & he is beginning to understand those differences. The most important part is figuring out the ways aspie & neurotypical people communicate differently so you can bridge those gaps. Aspie people communicate fine with other aspies & the same with NTs. It’s when they’re together that there’s an issue. What I’ve had to realize is that while I’m different it’s less that I’m disabled & more that the environment I’m in is disabling because I’m an aspie in a world built for NTs. It’s really easy to fall into a pit of despair that you’re broken or cursed & you wish you were just normal because it would be so much easier, but the more I’ve tailored my environment to my needs & bring what tools I need when I’m out in the world the easier it’s gotten. & the more I’ve quit caring how weird other people think I am so I don’t mask, the better I feel. When it comes to a relationship the person will have to understand your needs & how to communicate with you. They should care to understand your condition as best they can. If they’re not willing to do that they’re not the right person to be with. They either don’t care enough about you to facilitate your needs or they’re not equipped to be with someone that is an aspie. It will never be a “normal” relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a fulfilling one. My partner has difficulty dealing with me sometimes, but he also wouldn’t want me to be like “normal” girls. I’m sorry for whatever struggles you’re going through. It’s hard to see the positives in being on the spectrum when it feels the like negatives are consuming. I think the more an aspie understands their condition, the better they can suit their environment, structure, job, etc. to their needs. Without those things it can be a constant fight between a part of yourself & the world that isn’t made for it with you trapped in the middle. I’m sorry whatever struggles you’re going through. I hope any of this helps.
@@rachelroot3611 yeah.. I've got several of Rudy's books.. Hers were the first I read, and I'm actually gaining a lot through AspergerExperts.com and Celebrate Recovery (free local group). What I realized is that my guy is one the spectrum and has about zero emotional bandwidth. Any unpleaseant feelings and he runs, drinks, or blames. Lots of awesome traits, which made saying goodbye hard. In may ways we are soulmates. He just doesn't have the coping skills necessary to resolve conflict. Bummer.
Excellent point above! This! No they wouldn’t say it to a blind or deaf person. Autism is a disability it’s being socially blind coming from an adult with NLD. More compassion here would be great! It’s not a flaw in character it’s a difference in being and operating system and people need to be more kinder and understanding about this. It you want something ask, if something bothers you tell us directly and use concrete language and tact. We are willing to work with you if your willing to work with us.
I have ASD and every Asperger's male friend or ex who I have mentioned that he may have it has gotten up set. A female friend of mine said she thinks she may be on the spectrum and asked me why I didn't say anything to her and I said I didn't want to offend her and she said that was such an Asperger's response. Males especially asper ones can't handle any criticism and think they are perfect but it is probably all men
I find with my partner that even the slightest hint of anything that could be construed as criticism he cannot handle. It might be the most innocuous thing, like something stupid about his dog. He will take it personally. It is impossible.
I believe that I’m on the spectrum and that my ex husband was too. Problem was, we were way different on the spectrum. I’m very affectionate, a talker, he was quite, didn’t understand boundaries ( told his daughter she could move in without me knowing ) ( he tried to be at first, then went totally opposite later, everything in our marriage changed drastically ) no surprises, no conversation, no help with things around the house, obsessed with sex, explosive arguments, very bad with money was obsessed with buying studio recording equipment. I was super frustrated and unhappy. Is it normal for an Aspie man to try to fake everything at first? I’m afraid of getting married again
I’m also learning about dating a possible ASD man. I’ve learned about “masking” and how in dating, they can mask a lot in the beginning. Dating tips for autistic people often include being aware of how much you’re masking and reducing this so you come across as how you actually are in a relationship. This way, the other partner can see you as you are and you both can better evaluate the compatibility between you two. I feel for what you’re going through. It sounds like a tough situation especially when he started behaving in ways you didn’t expect. Communication can be difficult (my main problem I’m seeing with someone who I think has ASD or something similar). I hope you’re doing okay and I wonder how you navigated your situation. Feel free to share an update.
I would very much appreciate summaries of the divorce rates and unemployment rates for men with Aspergers broken down by age. I was recently diagnosed as being autistic late in my adult life. My primary deficient was an utter indifference, and even unawareness, of social hierarchies and status. I am the anti-hypergamous male, living in a sea of hypergamous women,... and it's not something I could ever just fix. It's who I am. It was only after I understood I was autistic that I finally understood how pathological and aberrant these deficients are. I proposed three times,... and was refused three times,... because I totally believed that I was perfectly okay the way I was,... when, actually, I wasn't. But for all of that, the quality that most social isolates myself is my libertarian belief that the average person should be presumed more capable of running their own life well,.. over having their life run for them by technocrats, philosopher kings, and Washington D.C. Many of my fellow Americans regard this presumption as a thought crime today. Do you?
22 years 2 children. 3-4 separations that are heartbreaking.still separated after 15months.Realised maybe aspergers diagnosis. Very difficult especially with misconstrujng tones of voice. Reactions to small things. Anxiety and depression. Very difficult for me to deal with especially with 2 children. Its heartbreaking 💔
Sorry to hear about this I hope it gets better soon, also I have a question do any of your children show signs of ASD as well, I’m noticing children of aspies usually show traits more than not
As an aspie who is actually fond of touch and intimate conversation, I found it ironic that my (non-aspie) ex-girlfriends didn't. Oh yeah, @11:18... THIS. So succinct.
Society in general is very judgemental, so coping in a life with expectations is tough especially while having to live with aspergers. It can be a lonely world.
You ladies are amazing and your attitude is so refreshing compared to the typical complain complain complain model of hey dog you need to be s cat for me. Thank you for sharing
You’re welcome! ❤️ Here’s the latest video I recorded with Adrienne if anyone would like to check it out: ruclips.net/video/yesC8Scw9a0/видео.htmlsi=z-Xgyrp78xDcgLZi
Hopefully she didn't break up cause of ur aspi sf lol btw if I liek a girk I can hold thsi problem shit in most of it I can try to hide tooo fr tho loll
@@taco2728 I am not sure if it was the Asperger's 🤔 I was working a double shift to pay for our house together, one day I came home from work and she was in bed with another man, 😢fast-forward 7 years after seperation, I found out ( through DNA testing ) my two children are not biologically mine. 😢😢 But they call me Dad 🕎🌎🌍🌏✝️
I don’t like being touched or eye contact or being out of my routine I hate traveling or being around people I explained everything to my wife she just doesn’t understand
Thanks Karina! ❤️ I’m going to publish a new video I recorded with Adrienne next week, and here’s our latest one if you’d like to check it out in the meantime: ruclips.net/video/KUju90qv2Eo/видео.html
The latest video I recorded with Adrienne might also be helpful if anyone would like to check it out: ruclips.net/video/yesC8Scw9a0/видео.htmlsi=YKB03i3-issMBri5
Thank you for this video. I'm in a dilemma. All of this initiation makes me feel like I'm chasing him and being the man. Our relationship after 10 months is still undefined. He spends every weekend at my house and I can tell there are no other women. We get along great and I have told him that I want things to grow and he said he agreed. But I had to basically invite myself to his brother's wedding and I can't tell if this is what I am supposed to do or if I'm pushing a man who just isn't that into me. Does anyone know how I can tell the difference? Thank you.
Thank you to the person who liked my question as it brought me back here and I have an update. I decided it must be a situationship so I messaged him and kindly said a situationship is not for me. He called me and said he thought we were already in a relationship. There have been a couple of hiccups with lack of communication from him but have found if I politely distance myself he figures it out. Overall things have improved a lot. A friend gave me some graet advice. She said if you are with someone and they claim they don't know how to make effort in a certain area, but they are able to make that effort when asked at work, then they they are able to make an effort for you too.
Dee D I’m so happy you asked this! The chat ended just as I was answering. Imho no it does not. Yet Asperger men can appear helpless in some aspects to which masculine energy women may step in and the man, be it Aspergers or ANY not in his masculine energy will gladly let a woman “do it for him” but as Helena and I discuss in other videos and in “Dating Unzipped” program a man will tire of the woman being in control, lose attraction or you’ll get fed up him. 😂 I hope this helps. Here’s the link to the program: www.everheartcoaching.com/Unzipped
@Lord Lucan, I don't think there's any evidence to suggest AS has any bearing on alpha vs beta. We could use anecdotal evidence till the cows come home.
I disagree with the alpha and beta comments. Both females and males tend to go toward the androgynous (middle), and oftentimes there is an overlap Oftentimes it is magnified as a coping mechanism to overwhelm and defense mode. There is a higher than average number of bisexual and homosexual aspies, at least on the websites I participate in. There is also a tenfold higher suicide rate. I am a single Aspie mother of a 20 year old Aspie son. He is very gentle and has some feminine traits while being straight as an arrow. I suspect it is because he is so attuned to the energies (rather than physical cues) and can see through phonies a football field away. He isn't athletic because of his low vagus nerve tone. This means he has a slightly awkward gait, doesn't use mainstream locomotion, has poor motor memory and has other issues (super-loose joints) which prevent him from developing into a typical competitive, athletic male. He has amazing insight to people and hates small talk. He prefers to go deep and doesn't want to talk unless there is a substantive interchange -- not just to connect over something trivial. His frame is more slight than mine and I could go on. I, on the other hand, always felt pressure to learn more male things in a feeble attempt to gain the approval of my neurotypical brother and father. I can tell you most times what is wrong with a car just by the sounds it makes. I knew all the rules of football before grade school. IN high school I was the only female on our soccer team and was such an aggressive, competitive downhill bump skier that by the time I was in high school I already tore the tissues in both knees. I was aggressive, competitive, and because I was hypersensitive to criticism I was incredibly boisterous and intimidating. I wore a chip on my shoulder and even men were afraid of me. I was the first female road captain of a motorcycle club in my state.... and I am disproportionately physically strong. I grew up in my head, because it took so much thought effort to analyze and navigate my world without being outed for being different. Going undetected (to prevent scrutiny and bullying) is a full time job in its own. At 50, the prospect of living through my heart is terrifying, Yet something I must learn to do if I don't want to be alone forever.
@@elizabethfree5294 Hi Elizabeth, you comment here was very interesting to me. I fell in love with an aspie male like 5 years ago. Since the first time I saw him I sensed he was different and that attracted me. It was just few months after that he confessed to me that he was Asperger's, it didn't surprised me but I did more research on that. But when he met my parents they told me he look a bit gay. Because he moves different to other men. This has been my insecurity, but I felt that if I asked him he would tell me the truth, he always says he's not gay or bi. Still I feel insecure when I observe how he moves. Is just the way he moves, because nothing else gives me the signal. I also read somewhere that as aspies are not constrained by social norms there are more gay and bi in this group. He was also very slim, now he's stronger and bigger, but the movement still gives me anxiety. Any comment on this? Or any advise? Thank you very much.
This video give me hope I just feel some women won’t open to be with man Who’s on the spectrum This world needs to involve more I don’t know I’m just lost
I am having a - or seeming to start to have a - relationship with a man w aspergers. But.. since it has to be long distance now w covid, I get frustrated w texts. I’ll text him and he just won’t text me back. Or one time we said we would talk by voice later in the day, but then I never heard from him. Is it wrong to expect someone to text you back within a reasonable timeframe? I’m so confused. I like him so much and he says he likes me but it doesn’t feel like it often. I feel like just asking him, what is it you want from me? Do you want phone, text, nothing for two weeks, what?? Ugh idk what to do. I’d like to arrange a meet up in person but he lives a ways away and of course covid complicates everything. :/ :(. Any advice?
Just curious Julia, are you still with this man? I broke up with my guy two days ago. I felt like I was losing myself mentally. We’ve had a long distance relationship for 2 yrs. I xeroxed just texting style; not hearing from him for many hrs after I text him. He’s very brief & vague. Felt like I was with a cold robot much of the time. He never told me he had it, but I know he does. Many good qualities but I can’t go forward with him. He’d drive me to drink or worse.
@@Beau7251-k9n Hi Sweet! Lol.. so, no.. I am not. It’s a crazy story too. Bottom line is his cagey behavior was indeed a bad sign for the relationship. Now I date people who treat me as I want to be treated. Fingers crossed! I hope you find the relationship you deserve. 🌸💕
Communication issues like monologuing, repeating words he has heard, like to talk about the same thing. Also issue with routine, special interests and sensory stuff.
Helena Hart. How should I approach Dating women who might not even be aware of Asperger’s Syndrome, because of its impact on our thinking. As much as I want to flirt with her. to build Attraction, I feat I may struggle sometimes or un-intentionally get it wrong and ruin the date. Should I tell her from the outset about my Asperger’s and how it affects me so she doesn’t get the wrong idea! I am trying to build my Confidence & my Emotional Strength as a man, but I want to be able to pass a woman’s tests! Thank you!
I’d try experimenting with this and see what works best for you. I believe the right woman is going to love you for who you are and appreciate the transparency and openness, so I’d see what happens when you’re upfront about it. I’d love to hear how this goes for you!
I suggest you read or listen to more John Gray "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". I'm a 73 year old widower whoo only had 2 intimate relationships. I like hugs but over sensitive to a woman wants easily missing ques and pulling back for fear of not being wanted. Show appreciation and down play attempting to change through language that may be read as complaint or nagging. It makes me and perhaps other autistic men withdraw into their inner worlds that provide that source of dopamine.
Us people with AS and NLD are very literal female with NLD. You have to explicitly say exactly what you want we don’t get hints it’s not our first language. Just trying to be helpful here. It’s a different operating system we run off of with neurodivergence. I find more positive feedback is helpful rather than focusing on what I’m not doing for in relationships. This is because when I was younger I was overly criticized for NLVD by society. You will get everywhere with us by focusing on the positive when giving us feedback.
I am a man with aspergers along with a lot of physical issues but the one advantage my problems revealed to me is that since i had to take a back seat to life i was able to see through everyone elses BS people wonder why i never dated they thought i was secretly gay or something and i keep telling em no im not anything i just cant wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship. Not really sure why but theres just too many things about it that just makes me turn and run 1st sign i get someones into me. 😖
I have autism and I am unlovable. Noone has ever loved me. And I doubt anyone ever will. Noone talks to me. Noone cares how alone and lonely I am. All I ever get from everyone is nothing but hate. I have no friends or family that I matter to I do not matter my life don't matter. I hate living more and more I want to die.
I've had this since I was born this is something you get used too just like with anything else. I mean this is in a first person perspective its definitely the worse when you're younger, and it is possible to overcome it.
I am on the spectrum undiagnosed though. I have learned how to use eye contact, but I have only had experience using it in my retail job. I have learned how to hug, but I don’t know when to hug, like on a first date when does a hug or a touch on the shoulder become appropriate? I have only dated once 16 years ago, but I have used online dating apps, and I am talking to someone now and we are talking about a first date.
Awesome, we’d love to hear how the date goes! At the end of a first date a hug is definitely appropriate if you had a good time and felt like you were connecting.
I’m beginning to think that the person I am speaking to is a catfish. It seems like everyone I talk to online is either hired by the site to get people to pay to be able to message others, or they are just catfishing so that they feel better about themselves rather than trying to get a partner.
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed this! Here’s a livestream we did together last week that should also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/E8AUlOddk4U/видео.html
I suspect a man I am involved has high functioning Autism. The first time I hugged him he felt very armored. He did not hug back but kept stroking me. I felt very strange.Almost as if he was trying to calm me down. And sometimes he will approach me and kiss me and imediatelly freezes. And self- rightous religious ranting.. I am very confused.
I agree. Can't force them wanted to be in the relationship don't understand going on? Good thing went successful between me and my boyfriend he always like me from the start feel same way too
Reading the comments I feel like I should not waste anyones time with me. Just seems like chances of failiure are much higher than success. Anyone have any success stories to share? Was diagnosed with aspergers and ADD about 4 years ago and I am 26 now.
There's no impulse with them, unfortunately. And physical contact and intimacy isn't meaningful to them like it is for us. Just another task added to things they feel they need to do. At least that's my impression. Sad situation all around.
I have suffered with aspergers and haven't seen many people talk about in such a positive way. I cried after watching this.
I’m glad this resonated with you, thanks for sharing!
@@HelenaHartCoaching thanks for taking the time and care to discuss this topic.
You’re welcome!
Usally people are negative and always think bad of us :( I feel u my guy Some thsi bs make me cry too U wish I coudl fix myself
@@taco2728 yea I am actually dating a guy with Asperger’s syndrome, and this video explained perfectly what I do-unconsciously now- for him.
I am ASD married for 25 years, my daughter is 18 and ASD and my wife is the strongest most generous and wonderful woman in the world.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I have aspergers and I am a man. Went through a divorce in my mid 20s and only was married a few years. And had 2 other relationships since never ended well. And just started a new one I decided to swallow my pride and tell her upfront and even sent her a link to this video because she was complaining about my communication and made me feel not good enough. She watched it and said she understands a bit better now. Thank you ladies for all you are doing for men like me.
You’re welcome Edward, thanks for sharing your experience here! I’m so glad this video was helpful.
Edward, I have a friend in the same position as your partners. She is in the same position as your previous relationships. He is a physically loving person especially his husband duties, kids, chores, time ect, he just cant express it mentally. She asks and pleads with him for more mental stimulation. How should she express or tell him to do this?
I am in a relationship with a man with Autism(HF). As mentioned in the video, communication can be a challenge and physical interaction can be slightly awkward. He also is usually keenly alert to the smallest details, which drove me crazy. However, we are learning to love each other daily. He is the best! A wonderful man, incomparable to any! Best wishes to all my Aspie lovers!
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I have asspergers thank u this make me smile 😃
Yeah it is realoy a blockage in awkardism u want to not be u dont knoe how to tho u do buti t blocks it I have felt confidence before and no fesr it felt good soemtimes I wish I could get back to that rare and thsoe rare flashes well cbd helps and it doesnt make me deppressed like pills and makesm e feel great! Why u never judge a book by its cover people have issues and if u make fun of a dick And they have an issue that they cant help with or tell just letting u know ur the real dick lol
Well good too know we could actualky get some women :(
Yallstool like him tho yay ur the sweetest nicest eva frr
I was dating someone with high-functioning autism and he was so harsh, short, dismissive and irritated with me a lot of the time. Any time I was upset about something he had difficulty empathizing and would tell me to just "get over it." It was very hurtful to be honest... ;(
missmerbella
www.faaas.org/assets/final-salve.pdf
Hope this helps.
It was excruciating being with my Aspergers partner. Off/on since 2003. Had a child together etc. Wasn’t diagnosed until his behaviors were too much after baby born.
Very difficult.
Was ok as a coworker, but after dating a while and the communication/relational side...lack of reciprocity and empathy were very traumatic for me.
Sounds like he lacks the emotional bandwidth to hande a relationship. However, there are many that do. A lot of it has to do with if they've had any sort of therapy, and if so, what kind.
Elizabeth F emotional bandwidth in Aspergers is pretty narrow, par for the course. It is part of the disorder. Emotional, social realms are part of what makes it such a relational struggle.
They do not do well with understanding others emotional states or expressing their own emotional states... it makes true, deep connection (being truly seen and understood) pretty impossible.
If someone is fine with a superficial, functional, logistics based, roommate scenario...this can work. It’s very dissatisfying and painful for a person who wants more connection, authenticity and depth, however.
That's not entirely true. It has to do to vague nerve underdevelopment. There are therapies designed to assist in the growth and development of the vagus nerve..and lots of different skills we can learn to moderate our emotions. There will always be challenges, but with willingness I have seen many Aspies become subclinical. In other words, the liabilities and worst characteristics are mitigated to the point that they no longer interfere on a measurable level. The quirkiness and innocence is still there, but the sardonic comments, harsh tongue and superior tone are greatly reduced. Much of it has to do with becoming comfortable with emotions instead of panicking, blaming others and trying to make them go away. (It has often been compared with PTSD.)
Try not to paint with such a wide brush. Finding out someone has AS doesn't mean they're *definitely* going to be an a-hole anymore than finding someone has cancer means they're going to die... Find out what they've done to mitigate it, THEN decide.
Elizabeth F I’m medical professional. Not only have I spoken to a neuropsychologist, who work with ASD as a specialty, but another psychologist who has written books and helped people internationally.
Just like everything else, ASD has individual nuances.
I do know of the polyvagal nerve therapy concept. Yes the vagus nerve is involved, and influences, many functions.
ASD is genetic often brought on by epigenetic influences. Toxins in environment is a huge trigger, the gut microbiome is huge (a current area of study for me)...those with ASD are being consistently shown to have dysbiosis. The gut/brain axis portion is huge.
It’s multifactorial and pieces often influence other dynamics. It’s not as simple as vagus nerve...which may or may not be a part of ASD for some. And while some people can improve the emotional/social aspects, many can not change enough to provide the reciprocity, support and connection needed for a healthy, interdependent relationship.
Have you been in relationship with someone with aspergers?
It sounds as if you’re speaking from experiencing aspergers from a different realm...but not as a NT, with a painful relationship with someone with ASD.
That’s fine, but your paradigm will be slanted and myopic, unless you’ve experienced it...or have good capacity for empathy and understanding the actual multilayered/multifaceted factors at play.
I keep hearing you defend Aspies in relationship, without hearing or acknowledging the immense pain, heartache, longterm, deep struggle.
Trying to convince us NT’s that it’s not that bad... is like me trying to convince an open heart patient that they’re just fine and that some patients don’t need much pain med. That’s not going to convince that patient they’re not in pain. As a matter of fact, it adds fuel to the fire. Not only are they in pain, but additionally, their pain is dismissed and minimized. So, they are in pain and unheard. Even worse.
That right there is EXACTLY what many of us have experienced day-to-day, with Aspies. They inadvertently gaslight us, by inability to see what we are experiencing...and instead try to convince us of a different reality. It’s maddening.
I suspect you have Aspergers.
I started to cry during this video. I lived with one for seven years.. He was nice, stable, had humor and was a hard worker with good economic. But as Adrienne says, there was problems with eye contact, communication and touch/sexuality.
I loved him, but I felt so lonely in the relationship. No affection, no sex and no touching.
@molly mayHugs to you 💙
@@susanlore345
It was a friend of mine who pointed out, that he in many ways, seemed simular to her daughter who had this diagnose. When I started to read about it all the boxes clicked. He agreed to take a home test, and he scored, even as a grown man, very high. But he refused to go counselling, and did not want any form of help with our realationship. I wish we could have done that. Because in that in that moment I realized there was no turning back.
That’s so sad
Oh no I have asspergers and im a horndog lol frr thoo
Thank u as an aspie lol frr tho
Never eye contact,never understand my feelings,never complimenting my.Intimacy also very cold.I have tried hard all 25 years (nothing help)I am the one who keep our family together.They never change (maybe only for 1 month) Be prepared for lonely life for ever
I've dated this same person you are describing for 2 years now. I don't think it's gonna end up in marriage which is probably right.
@@allaboardthegravytrain5987why are you wasting by our time with someone like that? Even if you love him you can love someone else.
I have aspergers and came to realize that dating was going to be alot tougher for me. Fast forward 9 years and i've completely given up on the concept of dating. It could just be the pathetic hookup culture where I live that's responsible. The thing is most aspies are very quiet, overly sensitive, and unable to act accordingly to social cues. These are all things i've learned over the years. Unfortunately if you're dating an aspie, you can't count on that always being the case. The biggest keys for success involve patience, kindness, and time.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Lots of ppl detest today's hookup culture. Don't be discouraged. I work on developing myself when I'm not with a partner, that's what I feel everyone should do. Invest in ourselves so we are feeling good about who we are when we come face to face with our right person. Aspies offer some great qualities that are not always easy to find, and yet so valuable to neuro-typicals.
SuramanTRD , i feel you , i have asperger to . and dating suck real bad since 5 year ago ever since Tinder really became popular
Yup sadly all my issues my family yells at me to learn I wish they kneeww 😭😭😭
@@philippegauthier9692 loll
You adapt and adopt to a very PATIENT and space giving mind frame!! They’re over achievers - quirky - never sleep and always creating! But good GAWD I love ‘em!
Magic Handz that’s some good advice! My ex was an introvert and needed lots of sleep 🤣
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy - here is the thing about loving someone who either has this diagnosis or is extremely intelligent, the more I dove into Buddhism (the mindset of living in the present) the closer and more intimate we got! He doesn’t have regret (that’s the past) and he doesn’t have fear (that’s the future). Everything is right here and right now because that’s a tangible reality for him - a state that is measurable. So when I drift into that me-me-me space it baffles him! That space is future fear stuff. He also sees nothing is wrong if I haven’t communicated my feelings - I can’t assume he’s assimilated all of my hints and cues I’ve thrown at him when I’m silent. And if I want him to know something, I have to tell him. If we are planning to meet each other then I choose to be super flexible as to his arrival time because again he chooses not to live in the future. If I need his affection, I tell him. If I’m proud of his achievements I again tell him. Otherwise the nonverbal communication I throw at him could be scrambled. He’s very linear and real-time. I’ve stuck around this “genius” for 7 yrs because I’ve learned to be a better person. Life isn’t always about me
Magic Handz - Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here! 💕
Helena Hart - I also am a mom of 2 with special needs and I also work with people of all ages with special needs....
Content like this is GREAT and SHOULD be addressed! They should not be treated as imbeciles or non-touchable. Einstein was autistic (I believe) and he was an amazing man who contributed so much to society and history overall.
I have experienced so much soul growth in working with them as well as being absolutely in love with a man who above in intelligence- I even pulled away from Facebook and Instagram and just concentrated on the beauty of being....divinely different
I completely agree!
As a man most likely on the asbergers spectrum, I would say the most important thing is to be direct. To explicitly state what you want.
Don't hint - he won't pick up on it. If you want a hug, ask for a hug, or initiate it yourself. Also important, don't have a go at him for not having done what you want when you never asked him in the first place. He will take this as random unfair punishment.
On the other hand, you can be as direct as you like telling him the truth in a neutral way e.g. If he is smelly - tell him "you stink, go take a shower and put on clean clothes" he will almost certainly not be offended by such directness.
If you are bold enough and you like a man on the spectrum, be super assertive. Act like he belongs to you unless and until he actively says no. (highly unlikely - he will almost certainly go for what is emotionally easier, and if you are assertive enough, the easiest thing is to be with you and give you whatever affection you demand) by being assertive I mean hug him whenever you want a hug. Directly demand whatever attention you want when you want it, but never assume he will anticipate your emotional needs. Establish a routine that suits you, and take charge of how he interacts with you physically and emotionally. He will probably become highly attracted to you, and at the same time a little bit afraid of you.
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Gary.
Thank you for your insight!.
Lel... I’m an Aspie... That first one I relate with so much... hinting is just hard for me to recognize... but I believe we can teach ourselves to notice these things more often. uwu
Leo Estellar - Thanks for sharing your experience here, too!
Siquomb1 As someone who has aspergers he might be afraid of rejection, or not use to someone saying yeah sure I’ll go with you. He may have difficulty understanding if you actually want to go. Texts are literally nightmares for us. So call him and say in a caring voice I’ll go with you and see how he sounds in response. You might also not understanding that him saying no to you is not the same no he’s thinking what I mean is no, you don’t need to when he’s saying no and you taking it as firm or aggressive. I don’t have much background so I can’t really know and this is just how I interpret. I usually tell someone that I have interest in how to communicate to me so I understand it’s very difficult and not easy which is why dating is very hard unless the other person is familiar with aspergers and educated themselves on the matter before going deep. Since having a family member with aspergers isn’t the same as dating someone who has aspergers when all previous relationships were with “normal” people it’s a learning curve and not a easy one if your not patient.
I am finally leaving my husband of 4+ years because of his rages, aimed towards me. I just cannot take any more. He has 10 out of 10 Asperger's symptoms, but refuses to face it. Also no intimacy, eye contact for that long...good luck to you all who are willing...
Smart move ! Him getting help won’t cure it and, the older they get the worse it gets . It will drain you to no end .
@@DawnMaxwell-y4z , I moved out, and by my own choice, kept a loving friendship with my ex, it has solved the problems, as I read others did the same, in several other comments. Asperger's is too hard to live with, but we are friends now, I made the right choice for my life. I am happy now.
@@karencarty6530 I thought my husband was a quiet Christian man . After a year and a half I had him move out 2006 he was slacking way too much.
I found out what it was 2019. He’s back 2022, I can’t take it caring for someone that won’t talk and looses everything thing important. I’m filling 57 years of his retirement papers not him . He’s lazy and likes to be alone. He finally admits to be he knows he’s “ different “.
2004 he told me “ I know I’m slow and will use it to my advantage “. That’s not fair to me .
He’s on Leave until retirement starts. He’s home today he usually is out but it’s raining. He won’t talk, Feed himself.
Anyone with this or other disorders should be told not figure it out !
You sure he isn't a npd?
Thank you Helena and Adrienne for not leaving this community out. I am the Aspie wife, the female outward presentation of autism is different from those of males’. But I can share my two cents of my experience with intimacy. Sensory issue is a big point shall not be left out. I can enjoy intimacy (touching, sex) just as much as any neurotypical people can if my surrounding is dim/dark, quiet and a confined space is preferred. Eye contact up close is still challenging, I have made it to 2 seconds without slipping into fight/flight mode. If the environment is dark, it doesn’t matter that much anyways, 😜. And we autistic people like expected, non sudden, deep pressure touch/hug. Don’t approach and touch us from behind, pls
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights here, Elaine! ❤️
Thank you, this is so important to express with the man. Do you have any advice for ladies expressing this with a man? We appreciate your feedback or anyone else who can respond with advice. ❤️
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy I am the autistic wife here and my husband is neurotypical, patient, compassionate and intelligent (I highly recommend asperger females to look for men with such traits.) I expressed how I feel when he gazes into my eyes, like being threatened, overwhelmed, bodily sensation like heart attack. I cannot stand being touched when the environment is bright, with other people, lots of movements going on. I am too distracted to be in the intimate mood at a place with regular lights, sound, etc. Anxiety is another common issue. Partners who can be consistent help us a lot to ease the anxiety.
Adrienne Everheart's Love Academy oh, I misread your reply. As for ladies whose parters are autistic. I would suggest express your feelings/needs in a literal concrete and specific way. (Don’t expect us to get the cues) Giving Aspies some time to switch in between activities. Giving limited choices, avoiding open ended questions. Encourage Aspies affectionately and warmly when we do the right things. Show a lot of appreciation, allowing and trusting. Using hand stop sign to stop us from excessive talking at you.
It's interesting listening to neurotypicals speak about aspergers from their view. Many persons living with aspergers have learnt and practiced social cues and will therefore seem normal to a large extent. We're usually not as fragile and needy as you make us seem. I think most aspies crave understanding more than moral support.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I'm a 52 year old guy with an adult daughter with Asperger's. Her mother (my first wife) decided that monogamy with me wasn't for her after 21 years. This was about 7 years ago. Anyway, long story short, my new wife (of 5 yrs now) knew from the beginning about my Aspie daughter and says that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's but almost all the signs are there. Anyway, I forgot why I was telling y'all all this but thanks for letting me vent or whatever it was.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Nice, great to know there is hope for guys like me.
Yes, absolutely!
Same 🤧😖😒 xD I had to fix it I hit ering emoji button tho loll
@@HelenaHartCoaching thank u good toxknpw so happy that girls dont reaoky care insteada just rejecting they undesrstand and care po lthank yall so kuch
Same
I think I’m going to cry. I’ll be 35 in August and never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin. I hate the traits that my Aspergers presents like; lack of eye contact, stammering a lot when nervous and blanking out the right things to say (I hate small talk). The majority of women love confident guys so I try as hard as I can to mask those traits but it’s so exhausting and the amount of frustration drives me to tears.
As a guy on the spectrum I hear you
Loud and clear! I didn’t even discover I was autistic until last year and I’m 39 now. Looking back I’m at a loss for words as I see so much masking and confusion. When it came to relationships I found I could attract women fairly easily but everything after that was difficult, confusing and draining! I basically had to pretend to be a normal guy and that drained the life out of me. And what’s the point of being in a relationship where you are “pretending” all of the time? So I’ll just stay single
Btw I also hate small talk and it has made school, work and all relationships to be so much more difficult. What’s worse is the older I get the more I hate small talk and the faster it drains me . I do not like it
@@brianmeen2158 Those are the wrong type of women. I'm sure there are a good number who'd accept you for who you are. I'm never giving up the possibility to find one as well.
Bro. Although I've had sexual partners and I've had short term relationships. They only last long enough for women to realize who I am behind the mask. And when it gets too difficult for them, they end things..
I can't relate entirely, but turning 35 in a few months, without having a life partner and having been left because there's realization of my aspergers, it crushes me. I've cried many nights in loneliness..
Just know you're not alone bro, my prayer for you is that you do find someone who sees and appreciates you for who YOU are.
Love from South Africa, brother
@@the_unpopular_christian Thank you for the love bro. I’ve come to the realization that mild autism/Aspergers isn’t that much of a dealbreaker as I thought. I’m am still treated like I’m invisible around women but maybe one day I’ll find that super understanding compassionate gem that loves me for me and I hope the same happens for you. Love from Canada.
I love how much they authentically apreciate each other. In many ladies you feel a subtle hate or a fake interest in the other Party. Here everything is so genuine.
Aww thank you! 💞
Difficulty with hugs, doesn't want to make eye contact, communication was different, facial expressions awkward, intellectually or artistically gifted, interprets words literally.
I’m 41 and I was in a failed arranged marriage
Im high functioning and dont have much of those issues. Everyone that is on the spectrum is different.
He is the smartest and honest man. He is my first bf. He is faithful .
I love him so much. I know such symptoms, even if sometimes that’s what happens to him,
I understand him. So I like those men with Asperger's syndrome. They are very sweet and loyal. They love anime, color and reading books, they also have interests. sometimes you don't understand either but I'm here to always understand him. Sometimes he asks me what I want even on a movie date and we watch. He's really cute☺️ I love him so much. He is a wonderful person who is tender and hardworking❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here! I’m happy to hear that. 💞
... the most hurtful and painful when he said with no emotions "I dont love you I like you" you". If you can live with it congratulations. Thanks for an excellent video 🌻
You’re welcome! ❤️
A lot of aspie men withdraw themselves from the public and are sometimes uneasy around a large group or crowd
That’s helpful for people to know, thanks for sharing!
I have never been screened or officially diagnosed, but I know that I am on the spectrum. It has always felt like there is an invisible, impenetrable wall between myself and everyone else. The only people who are on my side of the wall are my family and my best friend who I have known since the second grade.
I have come to terms with the fact that dating will be a very, very improbable activity for me. I have to accept myself as is, even if the entire world doesn't.
There's a great website called Asperger Experts which has great resources for learning how to process emotions so that we CAN do relationship. There IS hope. :)
The important thing is to be clear, direct and concise in your communication. A few important reminders are: a) Don't try to change them. It is a PHYSIOLOGICAL thing. They can learn skills, etc.. but the autism will never go away. b) Autistic people have a marked inability b to connect the dots. Connect the dots for them --in love. c) Any display of hostility or disappointment will shut them down. Aspies (believe it or not) are very sensitive and vulnerable to criticism. Their Vagus Nerve makes them incredibly vulnerable to hostility--which will cause them to implode.
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Elizabeth!
I recently discovered that the man I love is on the spectrum. I yelled at him in a way that shut him down completely. How to do I go about fixing things with him?
It’s so sad 😞 my husband has a Asperger and for 25 years I feel lonely
I'm so sorry. 🥺
I cant believe you have a video on this. I am saving to watch later bc my heart is very heavy with this situation in my life currently
Hope it helps! 💕
Told him ❤
I have Asperger syndrome and really want a relationship. I would cherish her so much!
That’s so sweet, thanks for sharing!
20 male having Aspergers this explains everything out in the open. After two short relationships can’t wait to meet someone else haha I’m so awkward.
Thanks for sharing your experience here - the right one for you is out there!
My question is I think someone who I have just become serious with has this. I don't know how to discuss it with him if or if he is aware he's very different but he's also amazing. He had a hard child hood was raised in foster care and didn't know how to read until 14 but now he's like a genius very very intelligent man, very focused, very structured with the same daily routine. It's really hard to explain him but it's more like the social skill part is off you can tell there is a big difference. It seems like it's harder for him to flow when having back & forth ongoing conversation he responds a lot slower a lot of times he wait's with dead air like he's thinking before he responds and if you ask him a simple question he goes into such deep detail he will go on & on like he doesn't know when to break. When he's talking to you he's very focused in his eyes like he's staring into your soul. He's a little monotone kinda like robotic but he also has great qualities. His foster parents worked with him so much so he knows everything to do lives on his own it's more like he's very high functioning but I don't believe he's ever been diagnosed. He's been told by people that he talks a lot some people have told me he's slow or off and he's definitely now slow it's more like he's a genius and can do anything but there is also a disconnect somewhere. Now that we have gotten more serious I don't know how to discuss this with him??
Tiffany Shine my question is, is it really necessary to be diagnosed? Will it change anything? I’d lean back and continue dating him and if it’s troublesome use your tools. When you’re married if it’s an issue address it but don’t let diagnosing him become slow poison to the relationship. ❤️
@@AdrienneEverheart
Ok thank you so much for your response ❤
Could be something else other than autism. Trauma in childhood can cause a whole bunch of social issues
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, nature, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead and initiate romantic/sexual relationships.
This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc.
People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships.
As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, take the lead or make the first move, begin an interaction with a woman first, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women."
i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Yes, thanks for sharing!
@@HelenaHartCoaching because of that, I feel that guys with autism or just guys who don't do well socially, I feel they are entitled or have a right to have hatred or resentment towards that gender role or tradition that men are expected to make the first move or talk to women first in terms of starting a relationship.
This is so true, I was once on a date where the woman I was with apparently made a lot of overly obvious signals that she wanted to do be physically intimate. I found out cause my friend laughed at me when I told her the story of the date.
It's hard to explain to the women that I date (which is rare) that I really don't understand what's going on, and that can be really frustrating to them. I want to be a good boyfriend, and I constantly ask what's going on and what I could do, but they tell me " you should just know" which is not helpful xD
@@jmc6326 yeah at the same time, women expect us men to be able to easily read and understand their subtle signs or hints, women think they are making it extremely obvious, but it's oblivious to many men.
@@nobodysperfect06 That's not exactly what I'm talking about. Like everyone around me, guys and girls alike are picking up on it, and I'm just like nope. As an example, I don't understand emotions usually until they're at extremes. So if someones upset, it doesnt register with me until they're crying, I miss the build up to it. It's not cause I dont care, I just dont see it. It's tough to explain that to someone though. Because I lack confidence in reading social interactions, I have a lot of hesitancy in pursuing relationships, which is why I found your post so relatable
As a female with aspbergers (speaking to other females and guys on this );just tell me what y’all want and I will adjust ACCORDINGLY
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Faith! 💗
Straight like that!!!
My fiancé has aspbergers and he’s fabulous in so many ways. He does better with certain types of communication than others.
Thanks for sharing Jennifer, I’m happy to hear that! 💕
You are very fortunate indeed. Hopefully that translates to many many happy years of marriage.
How did you and him first meet each other?
These two women are so so so unique they are so more than special
Thank you!
"Masculinity" doesn't exist. A woman who takes initiatives is attractive, but of course, no one wants to feel pushed. I am 41 y.o. man (boy/whatever) having Asperger. Hugging is not a problem, but I don't like tongue kissing. Sometimes I want to do a lot together and sometimes I just need to be left alone for a couple of days as when I compose music. I can be very rejecting under those periods. Also, when I have food and stomach and sleeping problems, I get really dark thoughts, extra autistic (missunderstand things I normally don't, because I am not focused on the present etc.) and can't take even the slightest conflict.
I generally can't take criticism and have anxiety, suicidal thoughts, violent fantasies etc. I easily get very destructive and tend to think negatively.
One thing you didn't bring up was that persons like me with Asperger can sometimes freeze and get quiet and very difficult to communicate with. My brain just say "This is too much, I am out." sometimes when I am overwhelmed by information and impressions - especially if I am already stressed out and in a bad shape. How do you deal with this in a relationship?
Each new year I realize just how different I really am, sometimes I feel sorry for those that "know" me, especially sad for those that tried to know me, as I pushed them relentlessly aside. Bottom line, better off alone, quiet, safe ~~ good luck in this world!! ~~
@@sbsman4998 I agree. He needs to stay single or he'll end up hurting some poor, unsuspecting female and also probably himself in the process. Sorry, but it's true.
Aspies thrive on routine. Make routine work for the both of you. It may not always be exciting, but it can provide connection. When a man with Asperger's knows what's expected of him, he can focus like a laser.
Thanks so much for sharing, that’s really helpful for people to know!
I met my bf online. He lived in another state. We visited each other a few times for the weekend. I fell in love and I I guess he did to, he decided to move to my state after 6 months. Never noticed anything different until he moved in with me. I noticed “weird” or abnormal behavior. For example, we’ll be eating dinner and he’ll just get up in the middle of dinner and wash his hands then go back and continue eating or get up and do random things such as start wiping counters or washing a few dishes in the sink. I’ll tell him” babe finishing eating first don’t worry about it” Also, I noticed he doesn’t comprehend certain things or jokes, funny movies and such. We had our first big argument because he decided to go behind my back and start looking for a home to buy. I was emotional trying to get him to understand and told him what he has done is wrong, and told him he needed to move I wasn’t going to wait until he found a house. He flipped on me. He picked something up and slammed it to the floor breaking it, I walked away scared and saw him laying on the ground breathing kind of hard but no tears. He then was begging to please let him stay. I felt bad. He apologized for getting angry and breaking something and said “ I don’t know how to communicate with you” After living together for a couple of months. He just seemed odd. I noticed he doesn’t like confrontation. Like he goes with the motions. He doesn’t know how to communicate. He kind of seems cold. To me he really doesn’t feel what he did was wrong. He said he needed his own place because here I have no order or plan ahead. Which I feel there is and I do but he’s extreme. Also, when we’ve gone to family gatherings, ge goes in his own car and acts awkward around my family. He often wonders off by himself at a family function. He says things that don’t make any sense, it’s irrelevant. He also, seems like he doesn’t understand when I’m crying and emotional why I’m hurt. He’ll just say just relax go to bed. Like he lack empathy. And it makes me mad even more lol So I started thinking maybe he’s autistic. A lot of what you say on these videos describes him.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Karla. 💜
Update?
Thank you for the wonderful insight, ladies! Very genuine, grounded, and encouraging discussion. And deeply compassionate and balanced as well❤️👍
You’re welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it. 💗
You are both wonderful. As an Aspi, although some women were attracted to me, I never realized that women could find this circumstances attractive, even though I courted a woman who I was attracted to because she was even more introverted and I wanted the satisfaction of drawing her out. Ultimately she dumped and ghosted me because she had Borderline Personality Disorder (what a combination!) So an important book to recommend is Smart Women, Foolish Choices, which advises men to date someone who like them. That's simple advice, but a woman can turn from affectionate to hostile. The song is Stormy by the Classics Four. Yesterday's love was like a warm summer breeze, But like the weather, you changed. Now days are dreary baby and it's windy and cold, and I see it's cloudy all day, You went away! O Stormy, O Stormy, Bring back that sunny day!
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Im a pretty direct person and I feel my husband doesn't take me seriously that i'm very upset is if I am crying. I have Bipolar II/ Anxiety (takes medication)....Husband has Aspergers/ADHD/Anxiety (does not take medication) . I wish getting him to hug me wouldn't feel like pulling teeth. He is very affectionate with our dog....I wish I could have half the affection he showers on her,
My husband also shows our dog a lot of affection but can’t with me. It’s a struggle.
I guess is that he still had to ask you out first or make the first move
@@nobodysperfect06 no i definitely made the first move
@@julieb8730 were you the one who introduced yourself to him first or asked him out first? How did you and him meet? just want to say that's awesome and very admirable because it still seems rare for a woman to initiate a relationship
This video was really enlightening and supportive for me, thank you so so much for this it was exceptionally helpful for me
You're welcome Julia, I'm so happy to hear this was helpful for you!
Brooooo. To the ones in the comments talking about how you wish you left your aspergers SO. You got a right to do what makes you happy. But damn some of your comments are gross and your relationships just suck, not necessarily the aspie. Patience is part of any relationship, in some more than others.
EJMedia Facts
I agree some of the comments on here reek of ableism. It’s actually really hurtful to people dxed with aspbergers or any social learning difference frankly as life long social challenges are an issue.
Please try to understand and not just from an NT lense. Everyone wants to be included and loved. This is my challenge to NT comentors to understand another’s perspective.
I can fully validate how frustrating it must be to not always have your needs met, to feel ignored or emotionally invalidated or to not have communication in the way you must like. Then you need to sit down with your partner and have a discussion or if your needs can’t be met leave the relationship so they can find someone who loves them for all they are. JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP.
Try please living everyday in the shoes 👠 of the world judging you for all social interactions before judging please and take a step back and imagine how hurtful that must feel living in that skin before you judge or condemn. This is my invitation to NT partners. Not to invalidate relationship struggles but to invite you to understand from a different perspective or lense than your used to.
This comes from an adult with NLD some say we’re on the spectrum some say we are not. But social cues is also hard here. This is a learning disability and neurological wiring and it’s social blindness it’s the same thing as being in a wheelchair. You wouldn’t tell someone in a wheelchair to walk without their wheelchair. It’s like being color blind and people must understand that lds or different neurological wiring is as legit as being in a wheelchair accommodations must be made. It’s not fair for us to always be doing the bending in a world that feels like it’s is deliberately cruel to people with social LDS.
Please always practice kindness and compassion before you judge. This is coming from a life long hurt of people misjudging and misunderstanding me.
Somebody needs a device or some tool that can help us spot a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, asperger or incel men before we fall for it and end up getting attached.
Hi Annie, these videos might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/_jARxknc160/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/x8yKaWNdq7g/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/44nvPtjpPls/видео.html.
You’re born with the device, it’s called instinct and gut feeling
Relationships are hard. That’s just how the nature of them work
What if you take responsibility for your own decisions instead of self-righteously hurting others?
Great discussion . Im a guy that recently found out I am autistic .
I have to ask women the question: why do you want hugs every day from your guy after work? Does the hug just make you feel better ? Do you crave that moment of affection with someone you care about ? I’ve always been puzzled by affection as it’s something I’ve never craved nor enjoyed
Thank you! The reason is probably different for everyone, but I’d say it often has to do with enjoying the affection and closeness with the person you love.
I just met a man who is clearly interested in me but I suspect he's on the spectrum. He doesn't flirt or respond to flirting, keeps a lot of physical distance, and seems terrified to make a mistake. But he's really smart and conversational. He won't call and prefers to communicate in writing. He's 67 and a widowerer. I don't want a male friend and I think he could be a good boyfriend.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Andrea! 💕
Don't please don't
@@allaboardthegravytrain5987 You're right sadly. If he is still like this at 67, nothing is going to change. You will end up extremely frustrated by him.
Hopefully both of you can grow
alright but Adrienne is SO beautiful, i have such positive feelings from her
Yes, Adrienne is gorgeous inside and out! 💖
Helena and Adrienne, what do we do when we're the one with Asperger's? I keep seeing advice everywhere for men with AS... but it is very difficult being the one who is misunderstood and her motives assigned incorrectly most of the time. Being criticized for traits I can do NOTHING about (because they're physiologic rather than psychological) hurts more than you can imagine. I get treated like it's a flaw in my character, and what's wrong with me that I haven't fixed it yet? It's harder to hold fast to self esteem when so many people judge based on outward appearances. People wouldn't dare say something like that to a deaf or blind person... but it's just a different type of that physical a difference.
Hi I stumbled upon your comment & as a woman recently diagnosed with Asperger’s at 28 I found Rudy Simone’s books Aspergirls and 23 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Wants Her Partner to Know to be very helpful in understanding myself & explaining it to my partner. I totally understand how painful it is to have things that are completely out of your control attributed to personal failings. My partner & I are currently working through this & he is beginning to understand those differences. The most important part is figuring out the ways aspie & neurotypical people communicate differently so you can bridge those gaps. Aspie people communicate fine with other aspies & the same with NTs. It’s when they’re together that there’s an issue. What I’ve had to realize is that while I’m different it’s less that I’m disabled & more that the environment I’m in is disabling because I’m an aspie in a world built for NTs. It’s really easy to fall into a pit of despair that you’re broken or cursed & you wish you were just normal because it would be so much easier, but the more I’ve tailored my environment to my needs & bring what tools I need when I’m out in the world the easier it’s gotten. & the more I’ve quit caring how weird other people think I am so I don’t mask, the better I feel. When it comes to a relationship the person will have to understand your needs & how to communicate with you. They should care to understand your condition as best they can. If they’re not willing to do that they’re not the right person to be with. They either don’t care enough about you to facilitate your needs or they’re not equipped to be with someone that is an aspie. It will never be a “normal” relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a fulfilling one. My partner has difficulty dealing with me sometimes, but he also wouldn’t want me to be like “normal” girls. I’m sorry for whatever struggles you’re going through. It’s hard to see the positives in being on the spectrum when it feels the like negatives are consuming. I think the more an aspie understands their condition, the better they can suit their environment, structure, job, etc. to their needs. Without those things it can be a constant fight between a part of yourself & the world that isn’t made for it with you trapped in the middle. I’m sorry whatever struggles you’re going through. I hope any of this helps.
@@rachelroot3611 yeah.. I've got several of Rudy's books.. Hers were the first I read, and I'm actually gaining a lot through AspergerExperts.com and Celebrate Recovery (free local group). What I realized is that my guy is one the spectrum and has about zero emotional bandwidth. Any unpleaseant feelings and he runs, drinks, or blames. Lots of awesome traits, which made saying goodbye hard. In may ways we are soulmates. He just doesn't have the coping skills necessary to resolve conflict. Bummer.
Excellent point above! This! No they wouldn’t say it to a blind or deaf person. Autism is a disability it’s being socially blind coming from an adult with NLD. More compassion here would be great! It’s not a flaw in character it’s a difference in being and operating system and people need to be more kinder and understanding about this. It you want something ask, if something bothers you tell us directly and use concrete language and tact. We are willing to work with you if your willing to work with us.
I have ASD and every Asperger's male friend or ex who I have mentioned that he may have it has gotten up set. A female friend of mine said she thinks she may be on the spectrum and asked me why I didn't say anything to her and I said I didn't want to offend her and she said that was such an Asperger's response. Males especially asper ones can't handle any criticism and think they are perfect but it is probably all men
I find with my partner that even the slightest hint of anything that could be construed as criticism he cannot handle. It might be the most innocuous thing, like something stupid about his dog. He will take it personally. It is impossible.
I need to find a woman like this, as an aspie, undiagnosed
I believe that I’m on the spectrum and that my ex husband was too. Problem was, we were way different on the spectrum. I’m very affectionate, a talker, he was quite, didn’t understand boundaries ( told his daughter she could move in without me knowing ) ( he tried to be at first, then went totally opposite later, everything in our marriage changed drastically ) no surprises, no conversation, no help with things around the house, obsessed with sex, explosive arguments, very bad with money was obsessed with buying studio recording equipment. I was super frustrated and unhappy. Is it normal for an Aspie man to try to fake everything at first? I’m afraid of getting married again
I’m also learning about dating a possible ASD man. I’ve learned about “masking” and how in dating, they can mask a lot in the beginning. Dating tips for autistic people often include being aware of how much you’re masking and reducing this so you come across as how you actually are in a relationship. This way, the other partner can see you as you are and you both can better evaluate the compatibility between you two.
I feel for what you’re going through. It sounds like a tough situation especially when he started behaving in ways you didn’t expect. Communication can be difficult (my main problem I’m seeing with someone who I think has ASD or something similar). I hope you’re doing okay and I wonder how you navigated your situation. Feel free to share an update.
I would very much appreciate summaries of the divorce rates and unemployment rates for men with Aspergers broken down by age.
I was recently diagnosed as being autistic late in my adult life. My primary deficient was an utter indifference, and even unawareness, of social hierarchies and status. I am the anti-hypergamous male, living in a sea of hypergamous women,... and it's not something I could ever just fix. It's who I am. It was only after I understood I was autistic that I finally understood how pathological and aberrant these deficients are. I proposed three times,... and was refused three times,... because I totally believed that I was perfectly okay the way I was,... when, actually, I wasn't.
But for all of that, the quality that most social isolates myself is my libertarian belief that the average person should be presumed more capable of running their own life well,.. over having their life run for them by technocrats, philosopher kings, and Washington D.C. Many of my fellow Americans regard this presumption as a thought crime today. Do you?
Tbh I avoid relationship because it always feels like she is gonna find out then run away from me.
Thanks for sharing your experience here. The right one for you is out there!
@@HelenaHartCoachingnot everyone’s reality but having hope is good
This was soooo incredibly helpful! Thank you!
You’re welcome, Lysa! I’m glad it helped. 💗
22 years 2 children. 3-4 separations that are heartbreaking.still separated after 15months.Realised maybe aspergers diagnosis. Very difficult especially with misconstrujng tones of voice. Reactions to small things. Anxiety and depression. Very difficult for me to deal with especially with 2 children. Its heartbreaking 💔
So sorry to hear you’re going through this right now, thanks for sharing your experience here. ❤️
Sorry to hear about this I hope it gets better soon, also I have a question do any of your children show signs of ASD as well, I’m noticing children of aspies usually show traits more than not
As an aspie who is actually fond of touch and intimate conversation, I found it ironic that my (non-aspie) ex-girlfriends didn't. Oh yeah, @11:18... THIS. So succinct.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I think the way you approach someone with Aspergers, ALL men could be communicated with like this!
Thanks for sharing your insights here! 💞
I’m so looking forward to this! 💝
So are we! Looking forward to connecting with you in the live chat on Sunday! 💕
Society in general is very judgemental, so coping in a life with expectations is tough especially while having to live with aspergers. It can be a lonely world.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here, I know many people can relate.
But every time I talk to him he doesn't talk to me back he stays quiet
Reading these comments fill me with hope.
I’m happy to hear that! 💗
@@HelenaHartCoaching me too. As an Autistic man (I have Aspergers), I thought I'd never be able to find someone.
You ladies are amazing and your attitude is so refreshing compared to the typical complain complain complain model of hey dog you need to be s cat for me.
Thank you for sharing
You’re welcome! ❤️ Here’s the latest video I recorded with Adrienne if anyone would like to check it out: ruclips.net/video/yesC8Scw9a0/видео.htmlsi=z-Xgyrp78xDcgLZi
I loved this video. Thank you ladies. I agree with so much of this.
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed it! 💕
I have aspergers as a woman. Usually I look for men who are masculine and let me be me. It works always. ❤
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💞
@@HelenaHartCoaching I think I also tend to be in a relationship with autistic men because I cannot deal with emotional men.
To help me understand the needs of my ex-girlfriend, I would ask her, if she needs my help, or did she want to talk. 🙂 Aspi male 🤔
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Hopefully she didn't break up cause of ur aspi sf lol btw if I liek a girk I can hold thsi problem shit in most of it I can try to hide tooo fr tho loll
@@taco2728 I am not sure if it was the Asperger's 🤔 I was working a double shift to pay for our house together, one day I came home from work and she was in bed with another man, 😢fast-forward 7 years after seperation, I found out ( through DNA testing ) my two children are not biologically mine. 😢😢 But they call me Dad 🕎🌎🌍🌏✝️
My husband and I both are on the spectrum. It can be difficult for us to communicate but we've been together for going on 16 years.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here, Mollie! ❤️
My aspie bf makes me feel alone. I feel single. He always goes off and disappears. I’m so over it.
Talk to him about it
@@gbd-oq1rzit won’t do any good, she needs to leave.
I have Asperger’s and my wife doesn’t understand how to deal with me and treats me like I’m incapable of being treated like an adult
im soo excited! do you think you could do a video on if your man has ADHD? would loove that!
Thanks for the suggestion, Marissa! I’ll see if Adrienne or anyone else I know has experience with that topic. ❤️
@@HelenaHartCoaching love you so much helena! thank you! 💓
You’re welcome! 💗
Lol I have asspergers ADHD maybe add maybe slight OCD XD but im pretty chill sometiems especially if I liek a girl lol
But ill wanna talk a lot tooo them tho lololol frr loslsol
I don’t like being touched or eye contact or being out of my routine I hate traveling or being around people I explained everything to my wife she just doesn’t understand
You two are the best! 🙏🏼
Thanks Karina! ❤️ I’m going to publish a new video I recorded with Adrienne next week, and here’s our latest one if you’d like to check it out in the meantime: ruclips.net/video/KUju90qv2Eo/видео.html
A lot of it is common sense making a man feel good and to show love. I think we relate well so we are a good match❤️
The latest video I recorded with Adrienne might also be helpful if anyone would like to check it out: ruclips.net/video/yesC8Scw9a0/видео.htmlsi=YKB03i3-issMBri5
Wooooooooww that Helena is god damn beautiful. Look at that lovely wavy hair, she prepped herself up for this interview and knocked it outta the park
Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I'm in a dilemma. All of this initiation makes me feel like I'm chasing him and being the man. Our relationship after 10 months is still undefined. He spends every weekend at my house and I can tell there are no other women. We get along great and I have told him that I want things to grow and he said he agreed. But I had to basically invite myself to his brother's wedding and I can't tell if this is what I am supposed to do or if I'm pushing a man who just isn't that into me. Does anyone know how I can tell the difference? Thank you.
Thank you to the person who liked my question as it brought me back here and I have an update. I decided it must be a situationship so I messaged him and kindly said a situationship is not for me. He called me and said he thought we were already in a relationship. There have been a couple of hiccups with lack of communication from him but have found if I politely distance myself he figures it out. Overall things have improved a lot.
A friend gave me some graet advice. She said if you are with someone and they claim they don't know how to make effort in a certain area, but they are able to make that effort when asked at work, then they they are able to make an effort for you too.
@@elzibabmorac3553update?
Would you say men with Asperger's aren't as masculine energy as other men?
Dee D I’m so happy you asked this! The chat ended just as I was answering. Imho no it does not. Yet Asperger men can appear helpless in some aspects to which masculine energy women may step in and the man, be it Aspergers or ANY not in his masculine energy will gladly let a woman “do it for him” but as Helena and I discuss in other videos and in “Dating Unzipped” program a man will tire of the woman being in control, lose attraction or you’ll get fed up him. 😂 I hope this helps. Here’s the link to the program: www.everheartcoaching.com/Unzipped
Nothing to do with masculinity. Alphas and betas are alphas and betas. Aspergers doesn't affect either.
@Lord Lucan, I don't think there's any evidence to suggest AS has any bearing on alpha vs beta. We could use anecdotal evidence till the cows come home.
I disagree with the alpha and beta comments. Both females and males tend to go toward the androgynous (middle), and oftentimes there is an overlap Oftentimes it is magnified as a coping mechanism to overwhelm and defense mode. There is a higher than average number of bisexual and homosexual aspies, at least on the websites I participate in. There is also a tenfold higher suicide rate.
I am a single Aspie mother of a 20 year old Aspie son. He is very gentle and has some feminine traits while being straight as an arrow. I suspect it is because he is so attuned to the energies (rather than physical cues) and can see through phonies a football field away. He isn't athletic because of his low vagus nerve tone. This means he has a slightly awkward gait, doesn't use mainstream locomotion, has poor motor memory and has other issues (super-loose joints) which prevent him from developing into a typical competitive, athletic male. He has amazing insight to people and hates small talk. He prefers to go deep and doesn't want to talk unless there is a substantive interchange -- not just to connect over something trivial. His frame is more slight than mine and I could go on.
I, on the other hand, always felt pressure to learn more male things in a feeble attempt to gain the approval of my neurotypical brother and father. I can tell you most times what is wrong with a car just by the sounds it makes. I knew all the rules of football before grade school. IN high school I was the only female on our soccer team and was such an aggressive, competitive downhill bump skier that by the time I was in high school I already tore the tissues in both knees. I was aggressive, competitive, and because I was hypersensitive to criticism I was incredibly boisterous and intimidating. I wore a chip on my shoulder and even men were afraid of me. I was the first female road captain of a motorcycle club in my state.... and I am disproportionately physically strong. I grew up in my head, because it took so much thought effort to analyze and navigate my world without being outed for being different. Going undetected (to prevent scrutiny and bullying) is a full time job in its own.
At 50, the prospect of living through my heart is terrifying, Yet something I must learn to do if I don't want to be alone forever.
@@elizabethfree5294 Hi Elizabeth, you comment here was very interesting to me. I fell in love with an aspie male like 5 years ago. Since the first time I saw him I sensed he was different and that attracted me. It was just few months after that he confessed to me that he was Asperger's, it didn't surprised me but I did more research on that.
But when he met my parents they told me he look a bit gay. Because he moves different to other men. This has been my insecurity, but I felt that if I asked him he would tell me the truth, he always says he's not gay or bi. Still I feel insecure when I observe how he moves. Is just the way he moves, because nothing else gives me the signal. I also read somewhere that as aspies are not constrained by social norms there are more gay and bi in this group. He was also very slim, now he's stronger and bigger, but the movement still gives me anxiety. Any comment on this? Or any advise? Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for this!
You're welcome, Elizabeth!
Happy to help you!
This video give me hope I just feel some women won’t open to be with man Who’s on the spectrum This world needs to involve more I don’t know I’m just lost
I'm so glad this gave you hope!
@@Siquomb1 yayy
I have a question for Adrienne: For how long was she married to her Aspie? And why did the marriage end???
I have Asperger's and hope to find a partner someday
It’s absolutely possible! We’d love to hear how this goes for you.
I am having a - or seeming to start to have a - relationship with a man w aspergers. But.. since it has to be long distance now w covid, I get frustrated w texts. I’ll text him and he just won’t text me back. Or one time we said we would talk by voice later in the day, but then I never heard from him.
Is it wrong to expect someone to text you back within a reasonable timeframe? I’m so confused. I like him so much and he says he likes me but it doesn’t feel like it often. I feel like just asking him, what is it you want from me? Do you want phone, text, nothing for two weeks, what?? Ugh idk what to do. I’d like to arrange a meet up in person but he lives a ways away and of course covid complicates everything. :/ :(. Any advice?
Hi Julia, this video might be helpful for your situation: ruclips.net/video/Z-7RYANPy70/видео.html
@@HelenaHartCoaching Thank you, Helen! That video is great advice. I’ll try that. ;) Wish me luck! ;)
Personally I over text and over share. Books worth of texts and articles a day
Just curious Julia, are you still with this man? I broke up with my guy two days ago. I felt like I was losing myself mentally. We’ve had a long distance relationship for 2 yrs. I xeroxed just texting style; not hearing from him for many hrs after I text him. He’s very brief & vague. Felt like I was with a cold robot much of the time. He never told me he had it, but I know he does. Many good qualities but I can’t go forward with him. He’d drive me to drink or worse.
@@Beau7251-k9n Hi Sweet! Lol.. so, no.. I am not. It’s a crazy story too. Bottom line is his cagey behavior was indeed a bad sign for the relationship. Now I date people who treat me as I want to be treated. Fingers crossed! I hope you find the relationship you deserve. 🌸💕
We are high masking.
Thanks for sharing!
I’m also the same
The checklist for Aspire looks almost the same as that of someone with a Dismissive Attachment style. How do you know which one it is?
Communication issues like monologuing, repeating words he has heard, like to talk about the same thing. Also issue with routine, special interests and sensory stuff.
Helena Hart. How should I approach Dating women who might not even be aware of Asperger’s Syndrome, because of its impact on our thinking. As much as I want to flirt with her. to build Attraction, I feat I may struggle sometimes or un-intentionally get it wrong and ruin the date. Should I tell her from the outset about my Asperger’s and how it affects me so she doesn’t get the wrong idea! I am trying to build my Confidence & my Emotional Strength as a man, but I want to be able to pass a woman’s tests! Thank you!
I’d try experimenting with this and see what works best for you. I believe the right woman is going to love you for who you are and appreciate the transparency and openness, so I’d see what happens when you’re upfront about it. I’d love to hear how this goes for you!
I'm currently single but I know I have this genetic Disorder. I learned about this about 10 yrs ago after my high school graduation
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I suggest you read or listen to more John Gray "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". I'm a 73 year old widower whoo only had 2 intimate relationships. I like hugs but over sensitive to a woman wants easily missing ques and pulling back for fear of not being wanted. Show appreciation and down play attempting to change through language that may be read as complaint or nagging. It makes me and perhaps other autistic men withdraw into their inner worlds that provide that source of dopamine.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here!
Us people with AS and NLD are very literal female with NLD. You have to explicitly say exactly what you want we don’t get hints it’s not our first language. Just trying to be helpful here. It’s a different operating system we run off of with neurodivergence. I find more positive feedback is helpful rather than focusing on what I’m not doing for in relationships. This is because when I was younger I was overly criticized for NLVD by society. You will get everywhere with us by focusing on the positive when giving us feedback.
Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective here!
I am a man with aspergers along with a lot of physical issues but the one advantage my problems revealed to me is that since i had to take a back seat to life i was able to see through everyone elses BS people wonder why i never dated they thought i was secretly gay or something and i keep telling em no im not anything i just cant wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship. Not really sure why but theres just too many things about it that just makes me turn and run 1st sign i get someones into me. 😖
Aspie here, I am learning!
Thanks for watching, I hope this was helpful!
I have Aspergers, I'm 35, alone, single, no kids, no partner, I find that women just don't give me a chance, :(
I have autism and I am unlovable. Noone has ever loved me. And I doubt anyone ever will. Noone talks to me. Noone cares how alone and lonely I am. All I ever get from everyone is nothing but hate. I have no friends or family that I matter to I do not matter my life don't matter. I hate living more and more I want to die.
I hope you’re okay, I’m praying for you because I do care about your feelings and you🌺💐🌹🥀🌼🌻🌹🌷🌸🌺
@@purplegrace9460 I don't matter and you honestly don't care noone cares all everyone ever is is heartless to me
Love is not real all ppl do is hate
Run for it!!
I am a 19 year old with autism I use to not like to be touched when I was little now I'm use too it
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
I've had this since I was born this is something you get used too just like with anything else. I mean this is in a first person perspective its definitely the worse when you're younger, and it is possible to overcome it.
Thanks for sharing your experience here!
It sounds like when I went to classes to train my dog. Positive reinforcement.
I am on the spectrum undiagnosed though. I have learned how to use eye contact, but I have only had experience using it in my retail job. I have learned how to hug, but I don’t know when to hug, like on a first date when does a hug or a touch on the shoulder become appropriate? I have only dated once 16 years ago, but I have used online dating apps, and I am talking to someone now and we are talking about a first date.
Awesome, we’d love to hear how the date goes! At the end of a first date a hug is definitely appropriate if you had a good time and felt like you were connecting.
I’m beginning to think that the person I am speaking to is a catfish. It seems like everyone I talk to online is either hired by the site to get people to pay to be able to message others, or they are just catfishing so that they feel better about themselves rather than trying to get a partner.
I have recently been wondering what is different about my bf. It might be Asbergers. Aha! Still researching.
Thanks for sharing, Mena! 💜
Just got you on my feed. What a nice format: the two of you!
Thank you very much and all the best!
You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed this! Here’s a livestream we did together last week that should also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/E8AUlOddk4U/видео.html
@@HelenaHartCoaching
🙏❤
I have AS but have not found a partner at 38. Is that bad?
It’s never too late, in my opinion!
@Osirus Homunculi XIII join? Or have a joint? Im cool with either one
I suspect a man I am involved has high functioning Autism. The first time I hugged him he felt very armored. He did not hug back but kept stroking me. I felt very strange.Almost as if he was trying to calm me down. And sometimes he will approach me and kiss me and imediatelly freezes. And self- rightous religious ranting.. I am very confused.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💜
I have espeger and I'm taking notes to make it lighter for my future partners haha
Thanks for sharing, Diego!
many thanks to you! this is gold for me ... ✌️😊
You’re very welcome, I’m glad it was helpful!
I agree. Can't force them wanted to be in the relationship don't understand going on? Good thing went successful between me and my boyfriend he always like me from the start feel same way too
I’m happy to hear that Maria, thanks for sharing! 💞
Reading the comments I feel like I should not waste anyones time with me. Just seems like chances of failiure are much higher than success.
Anyone have any success stories to share? Was diagnosed with aspergers and ADD about 4 years ago and I am 26 now.
There's no impulse with them, unfortunately. And physical contact and intimacy isn't meaningful to them like it is for us. Just another task added to things they feel they need to do. At least that's my impression. Sad situation all around.