We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED
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- Опубликовано: 24 апр 2019
- In a talk that's by turns heartbreaking and hilarious, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift how we approach grief. "A grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again," she says. "They're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on."
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Grief is love with nowhere to go.
Oh, my God.
YES.
Thank you.
Very well put.
Who really made us
Ananuki
That made me tear up. Thank you for that. It’s exactly how I feel. Thank you...
*You don’t overcome it.*
You learn to live with it.
Your Favorite Lifecoach
Yes I agree with” we learn how to live with it “and I think
Over time it doesn’t hurt same as before . Because we can’t change it.
Amen and Amen ❤️
It’s better than carrying another’s losses!
Exactly feeling sad today
@Josh D You meant to say time heals all wounds, right? Well, even corrected, it is a trite statement.
I am an only child, and when i lost my dad and two years later my mom, i was looking at my phone and realized i will be the only one left in our group chat room. I continued to pay for my mom’s cell phone bill so she does not leave the room. Few months later, when the company knew she no longer resided in the place that was set as her place of residence, they cancelled her account and her id in the chat room switched to ‘unknown’. I completely broke down that day.
Hey . Always there for you buddy just like your parents are there with you
Hey I feel you. Lost my dad 2 years ago and then my mom last January and I am an only child as well. 😢
I feel your pain so profoundly. I'm an only child with all of my extended family in another state while my parents and I resided in our own little bubble. My dad is currently dying. My mother plans to leave me once my father is gone to be with our extended family in that other state. I'll be completely alone and it hurts so much.
I'm so sorry,I can't imagine life without my mom I go into a panic when I think about it. I also feel like if the phone company was making money then they shouldn't have shut all of her chat room and phone stuff.
I understand. Your situation is mine.
Imagine losing a baby, a husband and a father in the space of two months and being able to talk about it ONSTAGE with this much humor and grace.
God bless this woman.
She's helped me a lot.
imagine having your mother die in your arms in severe pain that barely made it to 60...and have no friends nor family left to talk to. its been 2 years...
i lost my daughter my father and my husband within three years of eachother.
@@evaadam5088 I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost husband and daughter and my dad within three years of each other
@@evaadam5088 hugs hugs to all of you
"That memory is always gonna hurt even if I'm 600 years old and a hologram." I instantly burst into tears.
That hurt me so bad. It's too relatable.
And I immediately hit "like" at that moment
I instantly burst into laughter
Yes it hurts worst than a cut in life!
I look around trying to find him and see him
Glad to hear I’m not the only one. Feel so strange all the time 😢
It comes in waves.. sometimes you drown
Sometimes they're small waves you can manage, sometimes they're big and they knock you over.
Yup
Vegas Poof For what it’s worth, I feel like things got a little less overwhelming and surprising (easier?) after the 1-year mark. The anniversaries are always difficult, but I feel like it leveled off after that. Sending lots of hugs for you!
Maria that is so true, its the same cycle for life after loss.
@PearlPerlita Venegas
I agree. My wife of 30 years died 5 months ago.
People now cross the road to avoid me
My wife died five months ago from a glioblastoma brain tumor at 47 years old. She almost made a year after her emergency surgery, so when the story of watching someone take all kinds of medication’s and deteriorating into something else really hits home.
Knowing there is no cure glioblastoma, and that she was “on the clock“ I am so grateful to have been her full-time caretaker in the last year of her life. I always told her I would be the first person she sees when she wakes and the last person she sees when she sleeps. I was looking into her eyes, and holding her hand all while telling her I loved her as she took her last breath in our home
Since she has been gone I have been working not only my regular full-time job but also a second one because I am raising our two daughters. I find it hard to get out of bed almost every day because of the emotional attachment I had with her, as a part of me died as well. Most things that I enjoy I no longer care about as my greif and guilt have overcome my well being. I don’t know how long this will last or if it ever does go away but for anyone reading this if you are feeling the same way you are not alone.
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
“The people we lost are still very present to us.” When my brother died few days ago my logical mind knows he’s gone but my heart feels that he’s still around.
He is. A man only dies when he’s forgotten. Physical presence is not necessary.
Same with my dad nearly a month out now. My heart is refusing to accept it.
Have that too. That feeling in the heart.
I feel the same too
Im so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way about my mom who passed away 7 months ago
One of my friends very recently told me that once your "normal" has been disrupted, you don't go back to it, you can't go back to living normally, you instead create a new normal. This has stuck with me and I find that this video resonates with the thought. One can never move on from grief, from the pain of death, time doesn't heal, it just gives you patience.
Oh wow this is exactly right. I’ve definitely been struggling with this recently-the old normal doesn’t feel right, but I haven’t perfected a new normal, either, so I’m stuck in this limbo. Thanks for sharing.
Creating a new normal - ugh so true!
Someone told me normal is only a setting on a dryer. My husband was ill (and has since passed away) and as we went the many changes, we would say “time to redefine normal.”
@@ellw7830 same,limbo
True. Now define NORMAL
Grief is the price of love.
Hello Lindsay. How are you doing? Greetings 🇱🇷
Lindsey...you are so right...lost my 🧡...over last year...its truly day by day...thank you.
@@Jack-dq7qh so sorry for your loss
Totally agree!
This was THE best grief advice I've found since losing my 23 year old son to suicide 8 weeks ago. THANK YOU for what you're doing!!
Sorry for your loss. How are you coping now?
Sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry. As suicide survivor who tried to end my life many times due to my parents abuse, I wish they could see this comment and stop their crap or just leave me alone.
I love you I'm proud of you stay strong
I am so sorry to hear that. I did too 10 yrs ago. It's an agony that is indescribable & heartbreaking.
I lost my wife last month. I recognise every word of this. When she died, I wrapped my arms around her, touching as much skin as I could with mine, and felt her warmth. I knew it would be for the last time and it was beautiful. I miss her so much.
Be strong brother. You’re not alone.
I lost my wife 11 weeks ago and I’ll never be the same. I feel like a giant piece of me died with her and what’s left has been limping along. I’ve taken some solace at the idea that even though I lost a big piece of me, I’ve taken with me a piece of her. She will always be with me in that way.
Such good directions for living forward. I lost my husband 2 yrs ago after failing health for 3yrs, survived a stroke, then died of CA in 3 wks. It's life without him and who I was with him for 42 yrs that died. So now who am I?
I cried so hard watching this. I lost my mum, my very best friend in the whole wide world. She was a single mum to me & my brother & sister we’re a lot older than I. So it was just me & my mum at home. I was her world & even though I was 29 when she died,
(she was 59)I still felt like a little girl without her mummy. 7 years on, I still do. I’ve married, had children, I’ve lived, but I grieve every single day in one way or another for her & very few people can understand that.
Love and Happiness I wish you well & I’m pleased to know you feel your mum. I talk to my mum too & she comes to see me in my dreams. Thank you for your message, I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that pain too. Much love to you 🙏 x
I hear you. My Mum was my world, my rock, my best friend. She was strong and kind. I am heartbroken she never met my baby, who is two now, nor my husband. She would have been over the moon with her grandchild. It was especially hard when I was pregnant and out shopping for baby gear and maternity items and seeing other pregnant women with their mama's on such tender outings. My heart ached. It's been 8 years and I was crying just a few moments ago as I still cannot believe she isn't here. Sending you hugs.
please accept my condolences. i can relate so much. i wish you every success moving forward and hope in time those gorgeous memories of that amazing woman that was your mom provide you with warmth and a smile
Me too Sheila. I lost my mom 8 years ago and I'm 62 now. My dad passed in 1977. He was 48 and I was 20. She was my muse. My mom was such a gentle loving person. I was caring for her towards the end. All I know is I'm very happy she was my mom bc I wouldn't be the person I am today. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and feel her in my heart. Much love and blessings to you.
SO TRUE ! Lost My Husband, & you grieve every single day,one way or another!
"Why would grief ever end if love never will?"
~ Topaz Orchid
💓
YESSS ❤🤗
I'm so sorry for your loss, such is life we've all lost our loved ones in death, but life goes on, I lost my partner 3yrs ago, I understand how you feel, I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind, it'd be nice if you just say hi here is my number +1206-237-2054 😇
Man there is so much pain in this world. Lost my dog and i am still seeing him everywhere, in every single golden retriever, they all look the same but no other golden will greet me and give me kisses like him. Hugs to everyone feeling grief. It makes me realize how scary and short life is. Don’t take anything for granted. Love the people you have. The only consolation I have is that at least I truly loved my dogs and we made great memoirs together Liz
I feel exaclty the same .. I see mine everywhere I go... hope ur are feeling better
I lost my dog a couple days ago & man it’s so hard knowing he’ll never come back and greet me every time I come home. Every little thing around the house reminds me of him. & yes it is scary how short life is. Sending you my condolences ❤🐾
I lost my husband 3 weeks ago and I'm so hurt. We have 7 kids at home , pancreatic cancer. I'm praying for strength
God bless. He is still with you - you just can’t see him anymore ❤
god that's a lot of kids!! how are you going to manage? I don't think I could have so many unless I was extremely rich. Good luck (genuinely). I hope you have support.
I'm very sorry about your husband, trust me I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same way when my wife past away June 4th 2018 grief is hard to deal with but we learn to live with it, where are you from .,
How are you holding up after a year? Sending love.
One of the best ted talks I have seen...
Witty, charming and emotionally powerful
Salute to her
Absolutely. Unique and hard hitting..
Kaustubh Gupta she is very bubble
I lost my husband a year ago. This video made so much sense to me.
Absolutely what I was thinking!!
@@hibak8196 hello
I'm 18 now, just lost my mom. She was 50, still so beautiful and strong. She wasn't feeling well in her last days but it didn't seem urgent. My father was sleeping next to her... Ready to take her to the hospital in the morning, yet he wakes up to her dead body. He started screaming and I ran into the room, to find her cold already. I screamed for her to wake up... She didn't, she was long gone. Mom I love you so much may your soul rest in peace next to your beloved father whom you griefed on. Now I grief the both of you, my grandfather and my mom.
I cried reading your story. I'm 18 now too, and lost my mother to cancer this year. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the way it happened to you.
So sorry for your loss.
@jake mueller I am so sorry to hear that. I recommend the Netflix show "Surviving Death", it gave me a lot of comfort.
Your story reminds me of that episode” the body” from Buffy
I love how she mentions talking about her husband in the present tense... I generally talk about people I've lost in the present tense as well, and it always seems odd to me how people can just switch, instantaneously... especially the switch between "I love them" and "I loved them"... to me, it implies you stopped when they died, but for most people, they didn't stop. You can't just shut that down. If you are going through grief, you still love them. Now. Currently.
I absolutely agree 💯
Yes and Kimmy will always be Loved present tense
I'm very sorry about your husband, trust me I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same way when my wife past away June 4th 2018 grief is hard to deal with but we learn to live with it, where are you from ?.,
As a funeral director I see alot of grief and loss and she has the most insight in dealing with it.
That's is such an interesting line of work. Very admirable. I've always been interested in helping others during time of loss. Thanks for sharing your comment
It’s absolutely bizarre that we haven’t, by now, perfected the conversations surrounding the severity of grief disruption and pain. It blows your life into a million pieces...
*We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just being still, being sad, and growing from the experience*
You can't process the pain unless you sit with it and let it wash all over you. When you allow it to be then I think that's when you can let that pain evolve into something a little less scary (for lack of a better word.)
I lost my dad when I was 19 and he was only 51. He had cancer and I at least knew he got to say goodbye. I’m 25 now and I miss him every day. Something people don’t tell you is that it can take years or even decades to grieve properly. The thing is, there is no proper way to grieve. You’re allowed to feel sad, angry, happy and whatever emotion when grieving, it doesn’t change anything. I still talk to him, he may not physically be here but for me he is. I miss seeing him every day, I still imagine what he’d say to me. I love him and he’s always gonna be my dad.
Hi Josh
I'm sorry for interfering with your day. I hope you are living well.
My father died when I was 19 as well, that was two years ago. Although in a way I lost him years before that.
Anyways your words resonated with me. So thank you for those ^^
I think I've only now started to grieve consciously.
It's is kind of odd how I never get to talk about it - no one asks and I don't bring it up. I know I could just talk to someone about it but it doesn't feel right to shove it into people's faces (like now haha sorry). Especially because it's always going to be the same old story. There's not much about it that'll change.
It scares me a little that it's going to be like that from now on. Like someday I'll be 40 and I'll still want to talk about my dad.
I'll still miss my dad still feel the bigness of that loss and I've got to be okay with that.
Well so I know you miss your dad and I want to acknowledge your grief.
If you don't mind sharing what is your dad's name? What's something you'd imagine him telling you?
I hope you have a good day and I wish you peace in your grief..eventually :)
Hii
Am acknowledging your grief too
My boyfriend has lost his dad 4 days ago
We r in long distance relationship for 4 years i can't see him i can't talk to him and the family right now i know he is grieving alot i don't know what to do kya Karu kya nahi for the very first time it feels like I have lost my loved one or am experiencing this grief truly that much harder way as my boyfriend is experiencing right now because we were very very close i just want to know what should I do
Should I stay silent
But i don't want it i just really want to hug him so tightly but iam not able to do that what to do am begging u pls tell anybody who is seeing this comment i can't even express in words what is inside constantly triggering i don't know what is his mental state right now but i can't even imagine if I am in this condition then what his condition would be right now.
Pls anyone just tell me how is he doing what should I do
Should I do anything or not
Or how to deal with this .
Pls pls pls........pls do reply pls
@@saritayadav3720 I lost my mom a couple of months ago. Me and my girlfriend was in somewhat of the same situation as she was at college and I had withdrew the minute I heard about my moms condition. The most I can say is just be there for him. Don’t force him to say anything but let him know you will be there if he needs to talk. And give him the space if he needs it. Idk what your relationship with his father was but understand that it’s okay for you to grief too. Hope all is well with you and your boyfriend as time moves on. Praying for you both during the tough times ahead.
I lost my dad at 18 and he was 51 as well. I still think about him everyday and how I miss him and our times together. It's been almost 5 years since he died and I'm still processing everything that happened. He was my best friend and our times together I'll always cherish. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps more than you know
How do you feel about your loss now? I lost my dad in April. I'm watching this video trying to understand how I'm meant to feel about it now that I'm actually processing what happened.
People became tired of me “not getting over it” so I became reclusive. Time does not heal this, it makes this become a new normal existence. Still trying to make the loneliness dissipate. It’s approximately 4.5 years now, I am not the same person, nor shall I ever be. Continuing to work on improving each day, with God’s assistance. 🙏
I lost my daughter of 42 8 yrs ago my son of 32 yr half after ive lost my hearing in left ear no sense of smell or taste from grief my lifes finished have to say i dont find her one bit funny hope you are doing ok xx
❤❤❤
Oh gosh it’s so easy to become a recluse.
@@brendadrumm9451 who’s not funny? You mean the lady in this video?
Keep going Yasmin. Keep the faith and listen to yourself. You are doing a good job. Love yourself first.
Middle aged man, sitting here at work, trying desperately to keep my tears in because everything you're saying is SO AMAZINGLY palpable.
Same here.... I am 76, reputedly "tough as nails", but this beautiful talk unleashed a tsunami of tears both in me and my wife and we were both trying to hide them as the talk progressed.
Such a mix of humanity, tenderness and wisdom... it is touching to the core !
Thank you for your comment... it's good to know that I'm not the only member of the "Men who cry at some TED talks" club...
"Ain't no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too" The Wire nailed it. Good talk
grief is temporary, get over it and start living your life.
life is for the living not the dead
@@swolfe9668 if what you said is so easy to do then nobody would have "issues with tissues" syndrome 🙄
I lost my mother when I was 9..my half sister died when I was 14..my brother passed. 2018..got hit by a car, half blind, my best friend, my dad passed July 16 this year, demitia, I sad, lonely, hurts, hope God almighty bless me with good stuff now, to much depression, lonely
YOU GOT THIS !!!
My mom died two weeks ago from cancer. She was ready to go just to escape from the pain but I have never felt so devastated. Thank you for this
I lost my boy to cancer, hugs
God and your mom are watching over you
Just lost my mom a few days ago to cancer & feel this way as well. I hope your journey of moving forward is going well
I lost my mom a year and a half ago to cancer too Kelsi.
Going thru this right now 😪
Native American proverb: "They are not gone who live in the hearts of others."
Jim Osborne what tribe? Please be specific.
The plot of Coco in a nutshell
They say the exact same thing in Russia...
"I licked my fingers clean" almost made me burst into tears in the middle of my lunch walk.
I believe similar should be said about relationships that fail: not move on, but move forward.
We are of the same mind on the topic of relationships... To me loss is loss, wether someone died or not... I won't ever get over it, even if I could still say hi (Which I tried, and that didn't go so well so lesson learned)
I didnt expect the wave of emotions that hit me right then. Read this before she said it & it still hit me hard
Agree wholeheartedly. Grief comes from so many things. They are scars we take with us.
Sergio Pinheiro almost made me vomit.........
I knew she would say it before she even said it, I dont know how I did but it still hit me like a brick.
I kissed my Dad's forehead when he died and was laying on the floor in the restaurant (as I had when sitting in his chair for years)... the cold... I'll remember that forever.
I lost my Dad in 1979 when I was a toddler and lost my Mom most recently in April 2024 due to pancreatic cancer and doctors didn’t offer her any radiation treatment or Chemotherapy based on her age and health conditions . I miss my mom since her passing 😢.
Once you experience it, you get it. It truly is chronic and everlasting. I have always had this perspective, but she vocalized it so well. This put a huge smile on my face. Thank you.
Anika Khan agreed!
“What is grief, if not love persevering”
My mother was my person.. and I was hers. She battled stg 4 cancer for 9½yrs ... to be there for me, her baby. She was my other half and I'm so lost without her. It feels wrong to move frwrd without my person. I dud the same thing with her ashes.. I wanted her to literally be a part of me.
My friend in high school lost her sister, I believe to cancer (I never wanted to speculate or assume). She carried her DNA in a necklace. I am so sorry for your loss and I am grateful that you affirmed in me, that my grief is valid. So much positive energy to you Annmarie.🙏
I'm 22 and an only child and I lost my mom to cancer a few days ago. She had been fighting for 10 years and her last days were terrible she couldn't eat, hear,see or drink. My father died when I was 1. Now the only reason I have to live is to carry her name and do good to the world so that her soul can be blessed. I just pray that she is in a good place now. I just want her not to worry about me even after death. I think all we can do is pray for them. Anyone who is reading this even after 30 yrs please don't forget our moms on your prayers.
Same with my mum
@@etmovies4u I’m so sorry . I’m in Toronto if any one ever needs anything
Awesome. I lost my wife of 40 years 2months ago to pancreatic cancer. 3 months was all the time we had. I farmed and she owned a jewelry store. We met and got married in 5 months. Put 2 families and 6 kids all together with so many memories. When she got diagnosed she said no ambulance and no hospital. I'm staying in my home and you're going to be with me. We did it together. She passed away in our bed peacefully. I miss her so much but also know she is in a better place. Thank you for your talk. It helps to know your not alone.
She is the luckiest person to find love, not once but twice. I love this speech. It made me cry and laugh. I completely agree with her. Nobody actually understands grief until it happens to them.
Yes! I cried listening to you because I could feel your words. A couple of years ago I lost 5 people in one year including my mom. I once told a friend who lost his wife you're not going to get over it, you accept it, and then you can learn to live with your loss. It really helped him move forward.
Hey I know literaly exactly how you feel... There are no words that can describe the pain, not even feelings... and the worst when people dont understand how it hurts you so much...
All the very best to you. Take care.
@tyran is this little ditty of yours supposed to be funny? If so, I'm not laughing.
@tyran seriously, you got real fuckin issues.
@tyran one of the most socially abnormal comments imaginable. Either a fake account or a psychopath.
I lost my wife recently suddenly and unexpectedly. She was only 51 and full of life. I needed to hear this. Thank you so much!
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband recently and he was only 53 and so full of life as well. It's just devastating.
I lost my dad, my grandma, and my cousin all in one year. However, losing my dad didn't really sink in until I had to delete his contact from my phone. At that point I cried my eyes out all day knowing I would never get to hear his voice again.
I lost my boyfriend almost seven years ago and have yet to be in another relationship. It took me the first five years of grieving before I was even open to the idea or before I felt like I could sit across from another man without a lump in my throat and wishing that he was someone that is gone forever. I've struggled with the "moving on" aspect and feeling like if I'm able to move on then somehow it's a betrayal to him or meant that I didn't love him as much as I thought I did. But I appreciate the idea of "moving forward with him" and that it doesn't have to be a choice of him vs someone else. That, because of him, I am who I am now, and the next person to fall in love with me will because of him and what his love and life taught me in many ways. Anyways, I needed to hear this.
Hello Berbray. How are you doing? Greetings 🇱🇷
💜
@@Savvysalamander hello ❤
So relatable. Thank you for sharing this. I lost mine in 2016, and almost exactly 5 years later I am in my first relationship since and am falling in love again. So many different emotions. I appreciate this Ted talk so much. I hope you are doing ok.
you've CHOSEN to be miserable and wallow in grief and sadness
life is for the living
all the years you have wasted being selfish and unhappy
NORA! She has a brilliant podcast called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking." So glad to see her on TED.
SHE IS THE BEST
Wonderful to know. I love listening to podcasts when hiking and aligning! thank u. My grief and loss the past 25 years, albeit extremely sad and painful, has gifted me the step up to make my purpose professionally to show a new way. loved Nora!
@@colleenwynia Hello How are you doing? Greetings 🇱🇷
I cannot recommend her book highly enough. She is a brilliant, thoughtful, and genuine person and she writes with remarkable insight and humor. I lost my beautiful wife of 20 years at Christmas time. She suffered terribly and heroically. Due to the Covid crisis, I had to act as her nurse and clean and bandage her horrific wounds. I hurt her as I helped her. God bless her strength. Nora helped me with my deep sorrow. God bless you in your suffering.
I hope you are able to connect with your wife. Covid was so dreadful and took so many lives. My sympathy on the loss of your beautiful star.
Two months ago my husband of 34 years together died from an incurable disease. I am lost and feeling everything is mega sized.
I lost my Mom less than 2 months ago and I still cry myself to sleep. It feels like I cannot function anymore. I thought going back to work will help but I can't even finish a shift without crying.
I’m so sorry for your loss Shara. It’s okay to cry. Crying is probably the single most healing thing a person can do. I hope over the last 8 months since you posted this that you have allowed yourself to cry and to flow with all the emotions that grief brings. You are so loved and your mom is always, ALWAYS with you. Talk up her out loud. She hears you. ❤️
As a Grief Coach, I completely agree with Nora. It is the same thing as "Get Over It" - a terrible premise and goal that Grievers get lobbed at them that may be intended to give hope, but which instead set us up to fail. And then when we do not succeed at this impossible goal, we feel like we are doing it wrong or we are broken or we are just going to be sad forever.
Instead, what I teach people to do is Weave the Loss into the Landscape of Your Life. We cannot change this occurrence (or occurrences) that have darkened our lives. But we can learn from it, thrive from it, let it deepen our connections and truths - it can inform your journey down to your bones. I have no idea who I would be if my mother hadn't died 24 years ago - it permanently changed who I am. But I have learned things I may not have otherwise, and I feel like it forced me to be a better person. Ironically, I feel like Mom and I would be close now - but without her loss, what would have happened to me? It's a question I will never have an answer for. I do know I am extremely blessed and lucky. And I do know I still miss my Mommy. She's why I do the work that I do. I just wish I could have helped her.
In any case, thank you, Nora, for sharing your tragedies and triumphs, and speaking about your losses. Pain and suffering thrive in the dark - and I appreciate you being in the Light.
Blessings, Claire
Hello Claire. How are you doing? Greetings 🇱🇷
Just saw this...you are so right...I'm so glad you found your calling...lost my 🧡...within the past year...& trying to find meaning & purpose day by day ...take care.
Hey! How do I go about getting a grief coach??
A lot of the times people don’t know what to say. So they say nothing at all.. One of my best friends who moved abroad didn’t show any sympathy at all when my dad died almost 18 years ago. She didn’t know what to say. I was 22 years old. Or the other thing that someone told me when one of my best friends died two years ago is “ please don’t cry”. People get nervous..
All you really need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Someone who will listen. You don’t need any wise words .. And no you will never move on from a loss. I still cry when I think about my friend. I still miss my dad.. every day. These people are with me everywhere I go...
Thank you for this. Made my eyes water...
Diane B: I agree that other people's grief makes some people uncomfortable, but that shouldn't stop them from at least acknowledging your loss. A simple "I heard about your dad, I'm sorry" works wonders. It's hurtful when there are no words of any kind, and they don't show up or send a card or anything. I too experienced a few 'friends' who I thought cared, but who did not even acknowledge the loss of my dad or more recently my little brother's passing, and it was then that I realized, I am better off without this self-centred person in my life. Some people are narcissists and only interested in themselves. I leave them alone to be with themselves, and rely on my true friends for support and comfort.
HRHDMKYT so sorry for your losses. It’s hard. And you’re right.
Little story ( even crazier) : my dad passed away nearly 18 years ago right before my 22nd birthday. He was only 54. My grandfather was still alive, his dad, and he never visited my dad in hospital where he was spending the last days of his life. He was so crippled with grief he didn’t go (well.. imagine what I was feeling) It was awful. I didn’t understand back then. Leaving your son to die. I was holding my dad’s hand all the time. Taking care of him.. My grandfather not visiting was actually the worst besides my best friend not saying much or paying attention to my grief. I really wonder how he felt after his son died. How can you forgive yourself? My grandfather passed away about one year later.. I never have any problems showing sympathy to people. At all. I’m so compassionate in every way.
I'm so sorry. People just aren't equipped to know what to do or what to say, so they do and say nothing UNTIL one day, they face the loss and then you'll hear their regret for not being there for you. Diane, I'm sure your father was a wonderful man. He must of been for you to miss him as you! God bless him and you.
thegirlyouknow T thank you so much I really appreciate it so much.
I am the same way. I don't know what to say but cry every time i see my friend grieve
My dad passed 10 years ago but he puts his hand on my shoulder every day, we garden together and he gives me advice. We gardened together when I was a child and being in my garden now allows me to still spend time with him.
I lost my mother on 12th June 2023. I miss those soft hands that I dont have anymore near me to bless and hold me. I miss that self less care for me. I miss that she was the only person who thought about me before anything else even before herself. I miss the warmth of her hug. I miss when she used to be so porud even if i did some trivial act. I really do miss my Maa.
She is with me, within me, yet so far away from me.
Best & Saddest TED ever. Thank you for being strong & sharing with us.
Best Ted talk I've seen. What a beautiful, strong, brave woman. I cried and laughed the whole way through. I wish Nora nothing but happiness, and I'm thankful she shared her insights.
She shares them more on her podcast. I'm such a fan of hers: I was so excited to see her in my RUclips suggestions. Her podcast is called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking."
It is good. Check out Cassie Jayes too
My Dad passed away unexpectedly at the start of this year. Most of January has been a confusing whirlwind of emotions and I'm in that time now where I've "received my last sympathy card and hot meal." It's a weird space to be in, and finding this TED talk has helped me by both validating my experience, as well giving me hope that I never have to "move on" from having my Dad in my life. Thank you so much for sharing this with us all and giving me a good laugh or two.
I am with you...
I'm so sorry for your loss. ☹️ I hope you are doing ok today. ❤️
Your grief will be no less valid many many many years from now
Thank you for this. My husband died in a vehicle accident Wednesday, tonight is his celebration of life and tomorrow if his funeral.
I'm very sorry about your husband, trust me I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same way when my wife past away June 4th 2018 grief is hard to deal with but we learn to live with it, where are you from…?
Thank you Nora. Finally someone who truly gets it. I lost my fiance, my best friend and my dad very close together 2 years ago, and have had a very difficult time dealing with it since. My friends quickly walked away from me, my family disintegrated. Nobody truly gets it, til they GET IT. Thank you!
Same here its like im poison now and my own familly dont care. I feel like everthing i love will die . so im becoming colder to ppl and wont love as strong as i normally would .
@@kimlove2072 I couldn't believe the reactions of those whom I thought were my closest friends. When one of my friends lost her dad, I never considered bailing on her. I was by her side every moment, and even offered to go to the funeral for support. This was before my own dad passed.
@@birdie4334 we all need to be here for eachouther.i wish i could be there for u too.
Sometimes you're either IN it, or looking AT it.
Afterwards you can't get around it.
I too know the grief of having people quite on me, too much going on in my life all the time. Fall out from a tragedy. Then one loss after another for years and years. So now I won’t invest my heart in anyone or anything. It always brings me heartache, unbearable grief. No one in my world understands this, they haven’t experienced loss that didn’t offer support. What I was given was shame and blame and persecution. Shunned. The pain of this has been unbearable. AND I am expected to just get over it all. With not a friend in site. Astounding.
Thank you so very much, I lost my only son, and needed to hear this 5 YEARS ago when he passed....and I needed it today more than ever. Thank you, sincerely.
Lynn Miller Ruiz Sorry to hear that what died from ?
gillian owens not your business. How rude to ask such a personal question.
gillian owens I just lost my only brother at age of 26. The question that bothers me alot when people ask me what happened to him.
Holly not rude as a questions
mohammad khan oh no so sad
We move forward with their love!
This struck home; I got very emotional watching this. In a very short period of time, I lost both parents, 2 dogs and my wife was diagnosed as terminally ill. I have been crushed by this grief for many months and the weight of the world on my shoulders as my wife was expected to die months ago yet hangs on. I can barely make it through the day, can't work, and live in physical pain. I always wondered why my very religious church-going grandparents who seemed to have the happiest life and a large family sometimes teared up out of nowhere. I learned later of the tragedies they had endured including the death of their 3-month old son, loss of my grandfather's two brothers who were killed a week apart during the depression, their son who blew his arm off in shotgun accident, their infant granddaughter that died, and their grandson who committed suicide and another grandson who went to prison. I now know and understand the permanent impacts of grief. It never goes away and we just have to put it in a place where we can leverage it for the better. Every person you encounter in life is dealing with something tragic. Knowing that helps me be a better person in how I interact with others.
Wow 😳 that is so much to make room for. So much grief. I am sorry how this must have changed the trajectory of you life and that of your family.💔
Some people really mean it when they ask how you are. I am a funeral director and more people are willing to listen to you than you think. They just don’t know how to ask. Part of loving people is never forgetting them. This was very well presented- such a painful but REALexperience
Hello
At a certain age the deaths accelerate and you are forced to confront mortality. I've lost 7 family members in 13 years--two in last month--and now I'm completely out of denial about death. Any of us could die at any moment, and eventually all of us and everyone we know and love will also die. With each blow, I learn at deeper and deeper levels that kindness is what matters. Not jewelry, or furniture, or cash, or cars, or all the other nonsense people obsess over. Kindness. Compassion. Caring. That's what is important. Tell everyone you love that you love them. You never know which conversation will be your last.
I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you love, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my son jersey on may 24th 2020 during lockdown on a car accident he just turned 22 on his birthday, got hit by a drunk truck driver, that was the worst and most lamentable day of my life as a single Dad raising two kid's, my 13yr old daughter is my everything and the reason I keep strong, my late wife passed away 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866676668 or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you..
Perfectly said.
My grandma died 2 years ago. She was an amazing person, and helped raise me like a second mother. Then a week later my dog dies. Losing them helped in my emotional development, but my love for them still stays with me to this day
I lost my high school sweetheart a year after I started college, we had “taken a break” so we were broken up, but he was still the closest person in my life at the time. Recently, I’ve been coping with someone else’s grief, and I realized that I’ve moved forward, that I had a whole year that I gave him everything he ever wanted in life and that he is the reason why I love my husband so much, and why I understand him, because my ex taught me what real love was supposed to feel like, and that my husband now has that same love to offer. I still miss him and think about him but in a grateful way because he taught me the love I deserved from myself and other people.
Fortunately, nobody close to me has died yet... but grief still has had a huge role to play in my life... albeit indirectly... I’m only 18 and just starting to understand my father’s grief over his mother... who passed away when he was 15... and he turned 50 this year... he still will talk about her as if she only died a few weeks ago.. and he’s never quite had closure to it... and it’s always been so heartbreaking for me to hear about someone that I never knew who he loved so much...
Also, I took my boyfriend to his grandmother’s grave which he hadn’t visited in a while... he’s also 18 and she died when he was about 11... and I had never seen anyone so close to me cry as hard as he did... it really broke my heart but I stayed there with him and let him explore emotions that he had suppressed for years... it was a really strong moment for us..
Thanks if you read this
That is special . I'm so happy to hear the two of you could be there for each other. How amazing you are that you could "BE," allowing him the space to explore his emotions. And at such a young age. I'm so impressed with the younger generation. You are creating heaven on Earth. Love one another, learn what you came here to learn and follow your bliss Dearhearts. Namaste
@@DivineWisdom-rs9bw Thank you!! That's very sweet! I'm often told that I'm much more mature than my age group... In fact, I kinda feel like a parent in my relationship even haha..
Lately I've been trying to understand the world around me way better and getting into people's minds and seeing the world as they do.. like for my boyfriend, I knew he was really suffering from grief and his family is really harsh so he's never had a chance to properly grieve.. so I wanted to give him a safe place/moment to properly grieve for sometime.
Your sensitivity to your father's grief is such a gift to him. I lost my father at age 15 on May 2, 1977, and I still am sad and miss him. Blessings to you n your family.
Night Lynn last month I was lucky too then my only brother passed away at age 26 . My heart is shattered
Night Lynn it is comforting to read about someone so young who is so compassionate and who also can show empathy. Thanks for being there for your boyfriend and your dad. And thanks for understanding grief.
I have learned that this also applies to divorce. My husband left me very suddenly. Our marriage was wonderful. I have grieved for the last few years and have battled with my mind and heart to "get over it" and "move on". I now know that that doesn't happen and that I have learned to live with it, learn from it, move on WITH it. My nightmares have subsided and have been replaced with good dreams of my husband. While those dreams do cause me a different sort of trauma, I know that it is my mind's way of saying "hey, you're doing ok. We'll get through this."
I will always love my husband. You can't just STOP loving someone who is no longer with you, be it death, divorce or other forces. But you can move forward.
100% agree. My devastating divorce is still right in front of me 18 years later.Nothing worse than the words " move. on ".
Thank you
Brenda I’m so sorry this happened to you. Praying that God Almighty make things easy for you. I just recently loss my beloved husband to a rare type of Cancer just this March 2022. He was only 38. He suddenly got sick last year and when it was diagnosed it was already an advance stage. I feel so empty inside, and feel so alone and lost. Honestly still in disbelief that he is gone. The love of my life is gone just like that. I miss him so much.
Grief is one of these experiences which are so incredibly individual and personal. There is no telling how much time it should take. Sometimes a moth and sometimes even a lifetime is not enough!
Wow.... this did it for me. Wonderful. I lost my husband... of 3 months... he was my best friend of 12 years. Because of this... I was homeless for a year, I went to counseling, six months into my loss and counseling, I went to school... I became a grief counselor and got married... boy this hit home. Thank you so much.
Hello Brenda. How are you doing? Greetings 🇱🇷
I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you love, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my son jersey on may 24th 2020 during lockdown on a car accident he just turned 22 on his birthday, got hit by a drunk truck driver, that was the worst and most lamentable day of my life as a single Dad raising two kid's, my 13yr old daughter is my everything and the reason I keep strong, my late wife passed away 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866676668 or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you.
That is so true. I will never move on from those I have loved and lost. I will carry them in my heart forever.
Mi Sun ❤❤❤EXACTLY. THANKYOU. I will NEVER "MOVE ON" from those I have LOVED ON EARTH & lost !
I WILL CARRY THEM IN MY ❤ HEART FOREVER ❤❤❤
@@lisalisgarciavillegas1178 💕
@@a.stewart2641 Ty 💕 I needed that!
My Late Husbands Birthday is coming up soon, this will be the second year to have him be gone from this earth & in Heaven on his Birthday. Im so glad to have him be in no pain but still EXTRA HARD TO DEAL WITH NOT HAVING HIM HERE ON HIS BDAY !!! I MISS HIM SO... TY FOR THE LOVE ,THOUGH I DONT KNOW YOU ! MEANS A LOT!!! 💕
@@lisalisgarciavillegas1178 q
My boyfriend died a week ago today. I've exploded, screamed, cried, laughed, philosophied, expressed, stayed calm, loved, connected, broke and much more. Today feeling a bit stronger I for the first time opened youtube and found this in my subscriptions?! The magic and the gifts keep on coming. My Arno I love you forever.
Davide C ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I lost my boyfriend year ago. It was 31.07.2019 so I get you... It still hurts.. From day to day it’s different.. Sometimes hurts more, sometimes less ... Give you virtual hugs ...
Христина Романюк thanks for sharing your experience of loss, we are all in this together. May strength be with you. LOVE ALWAYS WINS
I've been watching this repeatedly since it was out 3 years ago and still the most moving and powerful TED talk about grief.
It hurts so badly. I can't cope, I can't. Everything gone. Not just him gone, but absolutely everything gone. Hopeless. I just can't.
Hello, I have just lost too, the pain I know it doesn’t feel like it will pass, and that it is impossible to cope wand everything is gone . But I hope and hold on to that time will slowly lessen the pain and we will always have them with us and those memories. Please keep hope and know that whoever you loved so deeply is still with you, as they helped shaped you and your life , and in that they will never be gone completely .
I needed this. My son died 12 weeks ago and the amount of times I've heard time heals all wounds is astounding. I laughed at a joke the other day and one of my longest friends looked at me like I'd grown a new head and I felt guilty. So thank you Nora, I really needed to hear those words.
Its hard..my daughter was 23, her ex boyfriend shot her multiple times then killed himself. Its been almost 2 years. I miss her so much, and often see things that remind me of her. Its just hard.
My Grandpa died when I was 21 and I was pregnant with my now deceased daughter. My Great Grandma who up to the point had raised me passed when I was 12. She was 84. I had a baby at 15 and at 9 mo this the cord wrapped around her legs killing her. My little brother got leukemia at 12 and died right before 21 from a fungus in his lungs. Almost a year before my daughters murder one of her old friends was murdered in a horrific way. My daughter was killed in October 2017, my fil passed the following month in Nov. from cancer and my other fil passed in dec suddenly. I know everyone deals with death but I have dealt with it often. I used to be a long term care nurse and have given end of life care to hundreds of people. Even in those instances it effects you, where you don't have a history. I think this is why my depression is horrible currently.
I lost my Dad recently and I find myself talking about him as if he’s still here. Even when I go to visit him at the grave, I say I am going to visit my Dad. He’s still with me just in a different form.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum recently and I too talk to her all the time x
I lost my 13-year-old daughter to suicide six months ago. It goes without saying that the things have been a nightmare since.
As a means of self-therapy and desire to help other people who are also struggling, I've started making videos in which I hike through nature and narrate my journey with grief.
It's so important that we talk about. These topics are painful and difficult, and society tries to ignore them as a result. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and help others who have also experienced the deepest loss there is in this world.
This is the most accurate talk about grieving I have ever heard... grieving is not a process is a life condition. When you lose someone you love you don't get over it, you go through life with it...
This spoke to me. It’s been 11 years since my mother passed. At 26 years old, people tend to think its enough time to move on. It’s not. My mother was my only parent, and my best friend. No one should be expected to get over it.
The totality/fullness of our lives is the collation of everything that we have ever experienced. We cannot erase any parts of it because that's what makes us who we are in the present and defines our characters. Bless you for a most encouraging talk. I lost my wife of 41 years 2 months ago on 16 July 2023.
Lost my mother in January 2023, at the age of 86. I am still struggling 😪 and the response of others has been disappointing.
“I moved forward with him”... I love this so much!
I always tell ppl, the big hole in my heart caused by my father's death never healed. If anything, it got more painful, and he died 18 years, 6 months, and 14 days ago
Same here, this year's my father's 20th anniversary. I learned, due to specific circumstances and how society is closed to it, so I didn't have space to process it, only now, at almost 30 years of age, who lost my Dad at 9, how it profoundly affected my life in every aspect, unlike anything else. It's also a totally different kind of grief when you lose a parent early on in your life than in other ways you lose close people during your life. It's hard since my life had plenty of time to get messed up in multiple ways since then, but at least I am glad about the relief that I have these revelations and can talk about them, and I encourage myself actively since I'm not used to it.
It's two years my dad died . I really want to be a happy individual...but i can't.. and i feel bad! How will I go on living like this living corpse? For the whole lifetime?!
I've lost so many people. The hardest is my mom. It will soon be 7 years. Today is a hard day. I miss her so much. I will see her again and that gives me peace. There is no moving on. Life changes with loss.
You’re amazing. My person died in January and every day I miss him more not less. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. ‘Some things can’t be fixed … the grieving person will move forward but that doesn’t mean they’ve moved on’.
i once heard someone say shortly after one of my closest friends died “the pain of losing someone doesn’t get lighter you’ve just gotten stronger” and i think about that all the time the pain and grief of losing her hasn’t been easier i’ve just gotten stronger with handling it
Raw truth - raw feeling - humility, reality - mixed with humor. Nailed it. Wonderful thought provoking TED Talk. Thank you.
I loved the humor in this. Totally agree with you!
Couple of weeks ago I lost my 55 years old lovely wife to cancer.
I grieve and hit my chest for her loss.
She was my blood and bone and joy of my life.
I can proudly say that she was my life and my wife.
I feel my energy and life sucked out of my body by her passing.
Whenever I see couples in public or on TV being together I cry like a child.
Whenever I try to shuffle through her things I feel strong presence of her.
I miss her a lot.
It's a big tragic and irrevocable loss caused by her departure.
You don't move on without them. You move forward WITH them
This is a great talk! I just lost my dad last month to Stomach Cancer and one thing I didn’t like that people said was “I can’t imagine losing a parent” It sucks losing a parent especially at my age that I’m still trying to figure myself out ( I’m 26 and my dad was 62 almost 63).
I lost my dad last year and I was 15 🥺
OMG. I shouldn't have watched this before going to work...bawling. She explained grief so beautifully.
Thank you Nora for your wise words. I lost my parents 24 years apart under suspicious circumstances. I agree with you. You will move on, it’s in parallel everyday. I try to do normal things most days. Grief is the worst emotion anyone can experience. You cant stick a sticking plaster over it. Sometimes there are things you just can’t fix. You have to try and move on. There never forgotten there always there. Just keep going and so will I. 😊
Powerful message. We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.
The grief and loss never go away and you never move on. You have to leave with it and if you don’t move on people think there’s something wrong with you.
Life moves on but it is never the same. I have sadly lost too many people who were major parts of my life. I have realised that the severity of the pain is because I was so lucky to have had such fantastic people who cared about me.
I lost my fiancé two months ago in a terrible car crash. It’s been so unbelievably hard, but I am trying my best everyday to keep moving forward, if not for myself, for him. This made me feel a little bit better, so thank you. I really needed to hear this.
Lost my dad this Father’s Day, sending love ❤❤
I'm very sorry about your husband, trust me I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same way when my wife past away June 4th 2020 grief is hard to deal with but we learn to live with it, where are you from ?
Lost my mom 3 months ago and 3 days ago i lost my dad. I am here for a reason.
My grampa died last week. This video is excellently timed and very well said.
Weirdly I needed this. 3 years ago I lost my mom, cousin, dog and my oldest brother within 6 months of each other. It's hard, very hard sometimes, especially when it comes to losing my mom who was my world. We went through so much with each other and then things finally seemed to be going good for us and then I lost her... I hate to feel sorry for myself but it's hard cause I see mom and daughters everywhere happy, and i get to just watch and feel sad i wont get that. But that pushes me to be more positive, I know to not have a negative mind set but it's hard. I'm pushing for you mom 💕
My husband recently died on a car accident and I can still remember the moment I told my little one that her daddy just died and is a doble pain, and I hate so much when all the people told me that I’m young and move on. I don’t even want to move on or remarried. People should really just stay quiet, a silent is better thank those stupid words.
I'm very sorry about your husband, trust me I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same way when my wife past away June 4th 2018 grief is hard to deal with but we learn to live with it, where are you from…?
I lost my dad, the funniest, Nicest, affectionnate and cultured person of my life on june 8th. I'm 18, and the last 18 years I spent with him were incredible. I will love you forever dad...
I totally agree. The worst thing that ever happened to me was at age 30 when I lost my womb and I had no children yet. I have moved forward since then. I have a good live, am as happy as I can be and do things I want to do. But the grief is still there, always. Sometimes very close, sometimes further away. The birthday comparison is very accurate. This year it is 31 years ago. For my friends it is non-existent anymore by now I guess, but I remember every february 5. And that is just one exemple.
Anka Voskuilen I completely relate to this and am so glad you shared it. I feel like others don’t get this loss and feel I should have gotten over it.
@@ReUsedMuse I totally agree with you! I wish you all the best, living with this!!!!
Anka Voskuilen ❤️❤️❤️
@@ankavoskuilen1725 , such is life we've all lost our loved ones in death, but life goes on, I lost my partner 3yrs ago, I understand how you feel, I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind, it'd be nice if you just say hi here is my number +1206-237-2054 😇
"Licked my hands clean." Instant tears. Been there, been there. So profoundly beautiful, thank you.
“Love is this invisible thread of calm that connects us even when things are chaos.” - Pure Truth
My heart goes out to every single person out there who has lost someone. Be it with Covid or not. These are very difficult times indeed.