How To Stop the Cycle of Negative Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
- There’s a concept in psychoanalytic theory called the corrective emotional experience. The classical definition of the corrective emotional experience is that it’s a therapeutic process where the therapist helps you experience what was previously a painful relationship by making it a healing relationship. The therapist does this by reenacting certain dynamics with you and then reacts to you in a way that is positive and different from what you expect. And when you continue to get these responses that are positive and opposite of what you’re used to, you began to heal by having an experience in real time that corrects what happened in the past.
That’s the classic way this concept was defined and used with therapists who practice psychoanalytic therapy. But there’s been an evolution in how the term is conceptualized. It can be thought of more broadly as an explanation for why you seem to be attracted to the same kind of negative relationship - this can even bleed into your close friendships.
This term comes from object-relations theory where people are called objects. And it’s about how you relate to central objects in your life like your mother. The idea of the corrective emotional experience CAN refer to the process of a person seeking a negative object or relationship, for the purpose of reenacting the negative dynamic in a way that allows you to correct the original negative experience.
In this video I give you three examples to illustrate how this works.
What can you do about this?
You start with examining the negative relationships and asking the following questions.
In these relationships what does the person do to you that makes you feel bad about yourself? It could be what they don't do, like she never complements you.
Then look at your relationship with your parents or your close caretaker. Which parent has a stronger impact on you?
Who are you closest to?
Which one who did you have a bad relationship with and why? If it was both, which was worse?
This video is part of my series of videos related to mastering your relationships. This series of videos cover love relationships, friendships and casual relationships at work and school. You can watch playlist here • Relationship Mastery: ... and save it for when I upload new videos to it.
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
I upload every Wednesday at 9am, and sometimes have extra videos in between. Subscribe to my channel so you don't miss a video goo.gl/DFfT33
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I just stopped dating and focused on myself.
Same.
same
Same here. Dating nowsday are weak
Same here! Going on 6 years of no dating at all. Don't miss the roller coaster!
Same.
If someone sees a genuinely nice person as boring or weak, they have issues that will very likely be negatively impacting.
True. The woman in the example does have issues that interfere with having quality relationships
Someone I know has been in a bad relationship for the majority of her 20s . She's always always complaining. During a small breakup with this person she dated a super great guy. Handsome, family guy and above all really kind and loving. She said he was too boring. Now years later she says she's sorry she didn't give him a chance.
Yea, its like the people that say, oh he was just too nice, ah just pisses me off
@@Yolduranduran that’s because they find out quickly how green that other grass really is.
Uh oh an incel!
Negative relationships seriously affect our mental health! You want to find someone who supports you and helps you during difficult periods! Not makes you feel worse😩
Very true indeed. 🙂
I agree and most definitely can relate!
@@DrTraceyMarks First off your channel is a great resource and MUCH NEEDED!! This particular topic really hit home for me as I now avoid relationships althoughter afraid of picking the same person in different skin! With that, can you do a video on PTSD vs. Traumatic PTSD, which is a relatively new concept as I understand it, & still outside of a "wartime, or militaristic" context? Also, possibly work in the effects in adulthood of being a parentified child. Though these might not be related, I value your insight & recommendations! With MUCH gratitude & appreciation!
🤗 Saqqara
No one
truth
From my personal experience, self improvement caused me to choose better men. As I improved, my choice in men improved.
Awesome!
Gotta work on that.
Naw that didn't work for me. Much therapy and self improvement and still can't pick a good guy to save my life. They are not out there I have offically given up.
@@resilience_onward When I say self improvement, I literally had mind (ways of thinking) and action (ways of doing things) changes concerning relationships. Not like better clothes, or improved hygiene, but changing my inner self. Biblical therapy is the only one that worked for me. Sorry to hear your self improvements didn't work. There are lots of good men out there. You might need to change your mind on that 😉
I was trying to choose better man, but they were all pretty much the same 5 times in a row. They were nagging, emotionally unavailable, controlling, mentally&physically abusive, or just random combination some of the things mentioned. These are all treats of my parents and I hate it so much. My 6th man was perfect for first 6 months, like they all are at the beginning. Then the shit started to blow up. Atleast I chose a man who is a perfect match for my personality and we are able to have fun if he is not causing trouble. However he does most of the time so it's pretty hopeless. Im soooo done.
You attract what you feel comfortable with, coming from narcissistic up bringing I got into many of the same in relationships and marriages until I realized where i came from. If it feels like my childhood, its a big red flag.
Yes indeed. 👍🏼
It's based on your attachment style.
Very true.
Cannot agree more!
Thanku i didnt kno..but i do now
As someone who grew up in an abuse house, and was surrounded by abusive relationships for a long time, I want to add that when you are used to abuse, it becomes comforting. You know how to react to it. Being happy, being treated well can be very scary because you don’t have that script
I ran away from several potentially heathy relationships because I didn’t know to handle them at the time >__>
Yeah this is a huge issue, how to feel safe when something doesn't feel normal
having an absent father makes sense as to why i crave male validation so much lol
Same. 😔
Same
So many girls and kids today do have absent fathers. I did and seemed really desperate for male validation. Scary because guys can figure this out and take advantage of this.
You can get out of that once you love yourself and you don't give a damm if they don't validate you because you know you are worthy
Bingo.💯🎯
Yep, I keep falling for the same emotionality unavailable person. And push away those who actually reciprocated my feelings. It's taken me so many years to finally admit to myself that it probably has something to do with my childhood experience of feeling abandoned and neglected by my parents, even though it was only true of my father who was an ass. My mother did her best but it was tough for her as a single mum. Still, I do harbor resentment towards her as well, for not being able to provide me with all the attention I craved. What I want is someone to acknowledge me, and not abandon me.
Read books on ptsd. I am like you. Now reading is what is helping me. Reading n prayers. Because trust me you will never feel loved enough even if someone come as u want. U will always need moren to break that cycle healing ur past child is is what will help you love yourself and attract who can love you
my experience is similar to yours, my mother even talked to me about how she felt frustrated when as a baby i was very needy and crying nonstop and that she had to always do something to make me stop crying, talking about it as if i was a nuisance to her
so i'm pretty sure that as a baby i sensed that she didn't give me emotional atunement i needed, and then as growing up i suppressed my emotions, still to this day i don't let my parents to see me cry and i also feel uncomfortable crying in front of people in general
That’s honest.
Same here.. It's hard to understand this... Some people just don't understand trauma..
😔
Why is this so damn relatable...
I uncovered this...here's what I found out. I was always attracted to emotionally unavailable people but that's because I (as a formerly anxious person...now earned secure) was also avoiding by not asking for what I needed and setting boundaries. I would also people please like crazy towards the end because I did't know what else to do.
The moment I practiced asking for waht I needed in ALL areas of my life - truly believing I deserved it, set boundaries and honoured them consistently and looked inward something magical happened. No longer attracted to the same person. I actually AM attracted to emotionally available and "nice and boring" folks. The same drama doesn't do it for me anymore because I've allowed myself to express my needs.
I am like you in that I needed to ask for what I wanted. But, before I could do that, I needed to know that it was okay for me to do that. I had to learn I had a right to have requirements. Oh, okay. That I needed to cultivate a sense of Self. To be centered and grounded. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to standup for myself.
I was not attracted to the bad boys or drama. I was just so open and if someone seemed "nice" I trusted that.
I am now centered and grounded in who I am. I have a sense of Self. I found my Spiritual path. I am at peace with myself. I like myself. I appreciate my own company. I am not afraid to be alone. I am at a different place now.
I like to think, when I am ready, I will make better choices. That if it is not right, I can walk away. I have learned to do that with platonic relationships.
I’m so happy for you ❤
I’m also on my spiritual path….it’s been very emotional but liberating at the same time. Takes a lot of strength and determination to face your fears, problems, trauma, memories and limiting beliefs head on, which is why a lot of people don’t do this and would rather find someone else to pour out their anger, frustration, unhappiness and dissatisfaction on cause it’s easier to just do that. Finding a victim to soothe your self or actually playing victim. Unfortunately it takes a degree of self awareness and consciousness to even realize or notice that one has these issues. A lot of people live unconsciously.
One funny thing I observed is that, during this past months of me focusing on myself, my mental and spiritual path, anytime I was on the verge of another break through, people from my past( mostly those I’ve had toxic unhealthy relationships with) would try to come back into my life or show up out of the blues. It’s as if their spirits could sense my progress and so they would come to try to draw me back 😂😂. But I made a promise to myself never to go back to those dark times and so I cut them off without a second thought. I would really shock myself anytime I cut someone off. Especially if it was someone who in the past I would hang on to for dear life, But of course they treated me like dirt, but out of this dirt a beautiful bamboo tree is growing and no matter what she can bend but she will never break.
Sending you much love💗 may your peace be everlasting and may your light continue to shine ✨
One of the things that I really like about this piece is that it blasts the "nice guys finish last" myth. A lot of people believe that women are attracted to men who have negative 'alpha' traits: being domineering, overbearing, hyper-accomplished, distant, cold, etc. This mythology always struck me as sexist and victim-shaming. Very often we are just attracted to whatever we grew up with in an attempt to heal the wound, as you were saying. That's it. The relationship itself becomes an opportunity to set something straight. And very often it fails and we're left confused, frustrated and hurt. This bit of awareness alone can be very powerful and transformative. Thank you.
@Johnny blames honey you need to watch that video again and ask yourself why you feel this way about women
the 'nice guys finish last' myth comes with an awful lot of factual evidence for being a myth if you ask me.
"lot of people believe that women are attracted to men who have negative 'alpha' traits"
nobody thinks that way. it's about confidence not "negative traits".
"being domineering, overbearing, hyper-accomplished, distant, cold"
well, which one?? being domineering and accomplised or being cold and and distant??
see what i mean?? no offense but get your definitions straight.
what about it is victim-shaming or sexist?? to me it struck as realistic, objective and factual.
and it's only natural, evolutionarily women select bigger,stronger, more domineering men. and they should because after all, the men who didn't meet this criteria either died or weren't useful.
They also make one person an example for all. One woman would reject them for a supposedly manlier man but would see it as all of them. The “nice guy” may also have someone that likes him, but he is not interested in her for the same reason the other woman is not interested in him. The petty and childish behavior is definitely a turn off and there is nothing wrong with remaining kind. Kindness is also seen as a strength.
@@absolutenothing7094 what you’re saying isn’t empirically proven fact, it’s merely an unproven hypothesis. Evolutionary biology is just made up to validate sexist beliefs. What I’m attracted to changes constantly.
A lot of men confuse being nice with being fake, manipulative and lacking integrity, therefore their attempts at attracting women by „being nice“ fail. A genuinely nice guy respects me enough to be honest with me and disagree with me. That’s attractive, what’s not attractive is a man who thinks he has some kind of authority over women and who is rude.
Men and women tend to want what they can’t have. Alpha males tend to be emotionally unavailable. I remember pursuing women and they would gradually back off as soon as I withdrew my attention and focused on other endeavours, they usually pursued my attention. I found that very interesting growing up.
Good points about passive men that can't handle a strong personality, I never picked up on that but it's so true. But also, passivity feels like rejection in itself. If he never directly communicates his romantic interest or feelings or is too shy and expects you to to make the "moves," it feels awful. I want to be confidently and openly pursued romantically-- not be the one coaxing them. In the past I ended up emotionally driving the relationship and refuse to do that anymore.
It’s soooo sooo draining
I can’t be around passive men. It feels like I’m doing all the heavy loading in the dynamic. Even in friendships I couldn’t be around people with passive personalities but I always found myself around friendships who were too outspoken because of trauma
@@Flower-dk9fi Isn't it?? It makes me angry, it's so immature. Grow a set and take a risk like the rest of us. Everyone gets rejected, even models and movie stars. If you can't handle a small thing like that, you can't handle every day stress or be a good partner.
@@ritaevergreen7234 YES! Thank you. Attraction needs to be enthusiastic and reciprocal. I don't want to feel like a mother, encouraging a child to get up and walk. I can't stand passive female friendships either-- I don't want to always be their strength. I need someone to lean on, too. It's hard to find the right balance between too shy and too aggressive in people.
@@ameebohrer1889 I’m in the same boat. Though I have felt like a loner most of my upbringing because most friendships around me were superficial as the norm snd I was just used as someone to go to not because they genuinely sought ought my company.
Keeping boundaries and taking things slow in relationships really helps especially in regards to modern day dating. When you give too much of yourself to the wrong person, it only makes it that much harder to leave thereby lessening your own self respect.
💯💯💯
I learned this the hard way!!
Agreed
Yes! People want to rush nowadays. They don't want to work for it, to earn someone's trust or build a foundation. Sad
💯!
After years of struggling, I'm practicing radical acceptance and focussing on what I can change and letting go of what I can't. Severing ties with toxic people whether their family or friends is crucial too.
Especially the family members. "oh that's still your family" not when they're a toxic energy who constantly like to bring you down.
OMG, for years I have been trying to figure out how my dad relates to my pattern of unhealthy relationships with men. I always wondered how I associated with having "Daddy Issues" when he was always such a great provider and teacher. Whereas I always attract the complete opposite. Well recently I accepted that I attract emotionally unavailable men. This video finally gave me what I've been searching for. He wasn't mean or abusive. I have emotional damage from his absence of validation...wow...i feel such a relief because now I have a focal point to begin healing from...thank you so much for this video🤗
I wish good therapy was affordable. You are right (all 15 times you said it) that therapy is a necessity!
I think it was only 14 😊
@@DrTraceyMarks there is no such thing as a therapy in my country. I know a psychologist who gave all informations of his client to a friend, I have to do this work alone. I started this summer and it is hard. I feel hopeless now because in every video or books. They speak about therapy.
Some people need to hear something 50 times before they think "Hmm, maybe she's right."
Start taking part-time courses at community college in counseling. I can be much cheaper than therapy. (At least it’s something.)
@@bimy2090 there are therapy online
Ehhhh I’ve dated the player, the narcissist and the “nice guy” they all come with their set of issues. In fact, the “nice guy” scared me the most because he was overly sensitive and ended up having anger issues and temper tantrums after a while. He was a momma’s boy and praised himself on being loyal and a catch. He wasn’t a narcissist but he definitely felt women “had their place.” The player and the narcissist were upfront about being blatant assholes. The “nice guy” had me fooled because he was so attentive in all the right ways but his temper and caveman mentality (I make the money, you clean and cook) scared me.Personally I think We all have issues and it comes down to what we are all willing to put up with at the end of the day.
I absolutely agree with your opinion. I also think in the end everyone has their own issues, people are not perfect, they have wonderful sides and ugly sides to them, some more and some less.
What did you bring to the table besides cooking and cleaning? And if he was the breadwinner paying all of the bills why does cooking and cleaning scare you? Why do women feel they should be treated as such but don’t feel the need to reciprocate that to the man?
So the common factor in all those relationships was you?
@@KvngAmir I can see where you're coming from with this statement, but with the fact that there is nothing in what she said to support this attack comment I believe it was unfair. However, as a woman who has their own business, who is very career driven, have my own things, I can relate to her. There are men that I have dated or come across that feel emasculated when a woman is career driven/successful. The more independent a woman is, the more freedom she has. Some men dont respect that and dont want that. There are men out there who will manipulate you to leave your job so that they become your sole source of income or men who make more money than you and treat you any way they want because they want to get you addicted to their lifestyle in such a way where you will take all the crap from them and not be able to stand on your own. The caveman mentality that she is trying to highlight here could well possibly be one where a man believes a womans place is in the home, having children, being a home maker and nothing more. They dont believe in equal rights and equal opportunities for gender.
@@KvngAmir it often times stems from their insecurity. They HAVE to put themselves in a position where they have complete control and the woman is not allowed to have or entertain certain opportunities.
Your first relationship example of invalidating fits my current boyfriend. Starting out I wasn’t telling him to change his habits/behaviors, but soon he started drinking too much, neglecting his studies at college, and ignoring himself. We talked through certain reasons why his life started going this way and I understand them and his low self esteem. We’re on a break now for each of us to work on ourselves because I was becoming consumed with getting him back on track that it was making me unhappy and I started getting frustrated that he wasn’t taking it seriously plus I didn’t want to be nagging. It’s not who I wanted to be in the relationship.
She literally just made me text my 12 & 13 year old sons to let them know how proud I am of them and much I love them. I hope I don’t eff them up in any way shape or form but I probably did and wasn’t aware of it. Geesh parenting is tough 🤦🏾♀️😔
You are a good parent. You are honest with yourself and not in denial. These are commendable traits that lend to growth.
"When you know better, you do better." - Maya Angelou
@@testtest2609 Aww thank you 🥰
People generally go after who they are sexually attracted to then try to make it work as a relationship. This often fails because you can't make it work the other way.
Why be with someone u not attracted to
Without Sexual attraction how can there even be a relationship?
The problem is not going for someone who you are sexually attracted to. The real issue is not developing anything beyond the sex. People often have trouble being vulnerable in relationships (guarded) and so if all you have is sex, it won't last because you need more than that.
Men do they all go for looks and we all know this is true.
@@quickpstuts412 this is so correct. Dealt with this before and the person said anything he felt I wanted to hear in order to keep up that aspect of the relationship but had so many complaints about me. Never wanted to let go and I kept trying. I actually felt more and he claimed he did. Finally the light bulb went off and I realized my worth. Wish it could be much more but to some it's not at all.
I think it was M. Scott Peck who once said in a taped lecture, "People repeat what's familiar, even if it isn't good for them."
Great comment!
Then there has been no growth and that's the real problem. If ppl take the time to self reflect, love themselves and request for feedback. You will grow through change.
Love his writings
I broke down reading this. I was always very awarevof the fact that distressed life n relationships is my comfort zone no matter how painful it gets. I know that I must get out of it but never cared to put any effort. Certainty and predictability of the sadness keeps me going rather than being scared of any other unknown emotion. As a child, teen, adult, after marriage n now being a mother...life's all been the same. Never been happy emotionally but atleast, i am familiar of the situations. Every relationship i got into had the same pattern to it.
@@emailjosie39 AKA learned helplessness?
If you have a good husband, this might be a good time to stop and be thankful for him.
More videos about how to stop this kind of toxic relationships. How to heal the relationship with your parents that your subconscious manifest in your relationships with partners.
Thanks!
Thanks for the suggestion Treicy. While you’re waiting, Stephanie Lynn coaching does a lot of videos on narcissism, emotional abuse, etc.
I lovvvveee how she appreciates what therapists do. Therapists are not psychologists nor are they psychiatrists- and they shouldn’t be used interchangeably. Some people are just repeating phases, and not getting the right help.
Thank you for this.
Just give up on intimate relationships all together, and like someone stated below, focus on self.
This describes me. I come from a seriously messed up family, absent father, and emotionally toxic, verbally abusive, critical...overworked mother who herself comes from an abusive family. So she simply transferred her issues to me.
Then all my relationships were toxic. Attracted to nuts and insane men. I have no idea how to fix it.
Me too
Same and when I respectfully talked to them about the issue, they absolutely dismiss/deny it.
Dina we have the same experience. I can personally share with you 2 things which helped me 👉🏾 firstly: start reading books to understand & recognise what was going on with my emotion & the kind of person I was attracting. If you like to read I'd recommend you those (they're eye opener) "waiting and dating by myles munroe", "breaking generational curses by marilyn hickey", "wendy dilemma by dan kinley".
👉🏾secondly, do spiritual healing it really help on a deeper level. God knows all we have been through in life & sometimes we don't even remember particular set of events that shaped our mindset, attitude etc but our subconcious mind still remember the pain felt at various stage of our life and it come out in many ways especially in relationship. Praying with verse like deuteronomy 29:29, matthew 7:7 and asking God for revelation about our childhood or family dynamic so that you can break generational chains through prayers & action (therapy, christian counseling, getting advice from people in healthy relationship) it really make a difference
Learn to spot red flags, give no second chances, after 2-3 red flags run. Also keep a note on all the red flags so you don't forget
You have to heal from your trauma.
I had a serious breakthrough revelation while watching this. Amazing stuff.
I have lived in line with this patterns through my entire adulthood till now, both love relationship and acquaintances from college and work. I was attracted to people who were aloof or cold to me and turned down by people who cares about me and genuinely pays attention to me. It’s very important to start bringing these patterns into awareness and heal step by step, little by little, and day by day.
I just got out of my 4th time being the victim of a psycho/sociopathic girl . I’m just now at 45 learning about myself and why I’m the perfect target for these types. I appreciate these videos.
I'm glad you got out. Abusive romantic partners are the worst.
The hardest thing for me was realizing that the majority of my relationships and friendships were a repeating cycle. I just ended a 10+ year friendship because my therapist helped me realize that she treats me the same way my abusers did. I'm in a relationship with someone who has treated me so well, it's the complete opposite. I'm experiencing something that I have aching for my entire life. 😩
Doc, you're helping many. Jah blessings to you.
Thanks so much Michelle 😊👍🏼
This really helps, i never knew my relationship with my parents would determine my behavior and my common sense. So much emotional damage, and now i could take small steps to fix these myself.
Thank you so much 🖤
On the surface, my dad seems like a really nice guy: he has a sense of humour etc. seems loyal and my parents seemed to have a great marriage. I married a man just like I thought my dad was, and my husband and I been happily married for 32 years. It's a lucky thing I didn't find out until after I was married that my dad slept around. Sometimes secrets are a good thing.
Yes it sounds like it.
Your husband isn’t unfaithful like him though right? I’m guessing / hoping not.. what a blessing to be married so long
@@sexyladyakb My husband and I work at the same place and drive in together, so he'd have to have some awesome ninja skills to sneak in any hanky panky LOL!!.
Both my siblings know what my dad did. He's 91 now, and my mom passed 10 years ago. We'll let him pass without telling him we know what happened.
Well if he slept around then he was never loyal
@@janets7291
That's really good of you.
My father cheated on my mother all the time. I let him know what a disgusting SOB he was to ruin my mother's and family's life.
My pattern was definitely about emotionally unavailable parents. Even before my dad died he was withholding and wouldn't contact us. The problem continues because so often men are taught to be emotionally unavailable, and so the majority of the men that I have come in contact with maintain that stereotype. So even though I know my negative patterns and have worked hard to resolve them, I'm still having trouble finding emotionally available men. I usually give them 1 to 3 months to demonstrate their emotional availability or any level of emotional investment. And most of them can't make it happen. So part of this is definitely an individual thing, but a good portion of this is sociological in nature.
Dr. Tracey Marks is wonderful. You break things down to where it's easy to understand. You hit on topics that are very needed. I have repeated the same pattern in my relationships and wondered why. Thank you for helping me.
You’re welcome Angela. Thanks for watching.
I'm 45 and honestly, sometimes I ask myself if I have "time" to fix myself and enjoy life and relationships. I don't know if it's pointless or a quimeric quest, but I feel so lonely everytime...
Sad
Not too late :) maybe at 50 or more like 60. There are divorced ppl out there
I figured out a long time ago that my highly critical mother had an impact on my relationships [doesn't help that I had undiagnosed ADHD].
ADHD and highly critical don't go well together. ☹
@@DrTraceyMarks
Precisely - it really did a number on my self -esteem.
Parents can and will put their Grown children on a Guilt Trip! If your not careful Especially when you're not part of the Family Click!!
As a therapist who works with women who are struggling in their marriages I really appreciate the clarity you bring to this subject and the explanation of object relations theory. Your question 'what does your partner do to make you feel bad?' is also a crucial one to ask. Thanks for this video.
Broken people make broken people. Understand the brokenness within you & start meditation cycle for answers.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. You don't need the hurtful beings in your life to forgive them & to forgive yourself✌✊
Couldn’t agree more!! Great point.
I noticed that something was wrong with me and men when I approached my 30s, and my solution was to stop dating entirely. I'm 55 and now completely shut off from that world. I discovered that I was doing the same thing with female friends in 2008, and my solution was the same: stop having friends.
I know something's wrong, and I know it's family-related somehow, but I can't work it out and didn't want to step on any land mines in the meantime. And life was busy enough without dropping everything and taking time and money to figure it out. So here I am -- 55 and solitary -- and for the most part, I do like that -- I'm more introverted nowdays. The part I don't like is 55, solitary, and constantly seething with concealed rage that exhausts me. That's nothing I should expose anyone else to, so solitary is best for all concerned.
Same here. And Amen. You're not alone in how you're feeling 🙏🏽
Therapy? That's what it is for, right? To help?
@@Liawino It's also expensive and time-consuming, and takes time away from other things. It was a cost-benefit thing.
@@jcortese3300 it takes time but it’s worth it.
Self healing is an option. You can use many tools to release trauma: journaling (free), meditation, breath work, fasting, spending time with animals/nature, cold water washing, yoga, bodywork, massage, EMDR, micro-dosing psychedelics (like Syrian Rue seeds, acacia bark, mushrooms, etc).
Wow , so professional!
If am in need of therapist I would find someone like you
Thank you.
I didn’t go to a therapist. Im 100% for therapy, but I just never had the time. What I did was I came into myself. I put myself first and I discovered who I was. I became someone who id want in a partner. I became extremely self aware and accepted all of my flaws. I have no guilt or shame in who I am and I choose to move forward and improve. It’s incredibly evident in my life that this has worked for me. I’ve been tested multiple times and so far, my old patterns of behavior rarely come to the surface… sometimes there a break, but not often. I also watch a ton of psychology videos and relationship psychology videos to help me understand how we operate.
OMG this Dr is a genius!!! She can easily explain something complicated. God bless you Dr.
Thank you so much 🤗
I did this my very 1st relationship. Repeated my parents drama. Going forward, I haven't had this issue but I'm dating men from different backgrounds, all who ghost or leave after 6-10 weeks b/c they don't want to put in the work FOR ME. It hurts too but I can appreciate being single knowing what's going on out here.
I feel like my four partners I have had have all been really different which is interesting to me. I feel very open-minded with my partners and that I can take on different people but still manage to connect with them in different ways. I am proud of that.
This just clarified the truths I learned from listening to Loveline over the millennia, Dr. Drew is half the reason I’m alive. I think gay men choose partners that are based off both parents. Every man I’ve been into has been a little sullen, self-centered, grandiose, addicted, but at the same time caring and seemingly giving enough to keep you around...like my Dad. And a little of Mom thrown in there, so it’s always about their feelings not mine and I’m supposed to already know how to act and react to them because I’m so smart but so mediocre at the same time. I stopped myself just recently from dating two people because I picked up the same old vibes and the same old looks in the eyes and brash confidence that would’ve made me swoon once. Now it just irritates me because I know I have to move on by them.
Thank you Dr. Tracy. The swag man does know how to handle my strong personality. I've had to be strong due to the neglect I've experienced as a little girl.
It’s not always a bad choice. The swag man needs someone too 😊
This woman is so amazing in how she "SEES" people!
Bravo! 👏👏👏👏
I was raised by emotionally neglectful narcissist parents. Life full of Narcs. Finally learning to keep Narcs out of my private and social life.
I've watched this video about four or five times already. It's like hearing someone talk about my life as though they've lived it themselves. Talking to women about my pain doesn't usually end well either. Thanks for sharing Dr. Tracey Marks.
I was in a bad relationship.my ex was abusive but i was attracted to him for no reason.maybe i was recycling my abusive parent's behaviour.
Mn On yes... Our parent’s show us what “love and feeling secure” means, wherever that is unfortunatly. As instinctive babies and children we just absord it. I had an absent dad and now most are my partners were selfish and emotional unavaileble
You did my therapy session. This is exactly what I needed to hear!! Thank you! I can begin my healing journey from here.
Oooweee!! She hit the nail right on the head with that woman example!! Omg I really do find myself attracted more to the men who are emotionally unavailable because I had an absent father.. this was such an eye opener! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Once again, holy hell, looking back, I realized why I've had these relationships. I kept getting put down for my efforts (various people). My last relationship was one I thought was right but just as you said, same woman, different clothing. I'm glad I found this, it has been eye opening
I just now started to see this pattern, even after a good relationship with a good person ended because of outside circumstances and me pushing them away. Great content.
Recently a guy I felt in love with ,broke up with me . At first , everything was magical but then personal problems showed up and he distanced himself . I did my best to try to understand what he's going going through and be there for him but in the end he just ended up the relationship . Yesterday he said he stopped having feelings for me. The question is how can someone change his mind so fast ? Why can't I keep someone for the long-term ? This type of situation had happened before and I'm sick of it. All I ever wanted was to find someone with whom I can build something serious , someone willing to stay.
Sorry no one answered yer question. Chances are the transition was gradual, but they di'nt AD-mit it or tried to bury it 'n' hide it, hopin' the feelin' would go away. Only for it ta IN-crease over time, til they couldn't hide it no more, 'n' decided ta end it. To y'all it seemed instant, but to them it was a gradual process.
Simmler story fer when ya break up 'n' they're in a relationship almost immediately afterward. It didn't happen over night, they started somethin' small 'n' tried to hide it 'ntil one day they felt SE-cure 'nuff to letcha go. Then commited to the other person, or maybe even b'fore they let ya go!
Hope that helped ya!
Same
This is why this video is very narrow. Cause i dated seemingly nice guys who turned out to be really bad. People are pretenders...they get bored of you easily
You need not blame yourself for this.
I would guess the feelings were gone when he started distancing himself. It just took him some time to tell you. Think about it, when we have problems is when we lean closer to the people who matter to us. I am not blaming you, but I had a problem with meeting really nice guys, and then eventually they would turn into assholes. I wondered what I was doing to them to make them turn out that way. Someone pointed out that I was meeting assholes who knew how to act nice, once they got comfortable they didn't bother trying so hard. Upon refection, it made sense. And perhaps in a different way, the same thing is going on with you.
Like, they were all unable to take it to the next level, and back away when things start getting too serious.
I find myself in relationships with Man child's. Men who are co- dependent on me. I usually feel sorry for them thinking my love will make things better.
I use to choose men this way. I finally figured out I was simply repeating patterns from childhood.
You can't raise an adult, I have been there too it's important to learn to put boundaries and heal from childhood or teenage trauma. Do you like reading? If so i'd suggest you those books (they're excellent): "boundaries by townsend", "breaking generational curses by marilyn hickey", "waiting and dating by myles munroe" doing spiritual healing is important too if you're a believer, Jesus-Christ is a healer too it really help to cast upon him all the hurt and trauma you've been through
@@historiqueafricaine I love reading thank you so much. I will purchase them this week
You summed it up just right, I see the dynamics that exist for my daughters because of their dad's desertion, and my relationship with my parents, who were both in the home with me. Thank you
Your clarity regarding patterns and repeating patterns. It's spot on. I'm now able to see the patterns in my previous relationships (3 months in), so now I'm working on distancing slowly and respectfully out of this relationship. My father was mentally abusive. I grew up feeling sad and rejected). I gravitate towards short tempered men, slick men, who really are not in my corner, and this one I'm with. He wants to constantly point out how much I need him, as he forcefully at times grabs my arms to put around him or the constant annoying kissing. Mostly at the wrong time or place.
Well, my kids are grown, and that saying of "you need your man don't you," which is something he loves to say, is in my book manipulative. 🤔
But, the quick aggravated and not validating my concerns or thoughts This is the reason I'm moving on. I will no longer allow in my life. A person who makes me feel uneasy and not grounded.
So, to end this, I must take care of my mind and the space I allow people to come in. Do not allow people you are dating. To come in to soon into the places you visit frequently. Pace yourself and see if you want them around family and friends. Also see us they have friends and family. It's important they do. 🤗
I do not have to settle; it's okay not to be in a relationship, and it's okay to be in a healthy relationship. My goal is to draw away the negative men, see the signs, and run.🏃♀️ Allow a good God fearing (yes, Amen) man to share this life with me. But only when the time is right and the patterns are broken. ☺️
Wow!! I have been the one trying to Love and give my all to someone. I feel I needed to rescue! The problem is when one choose a Broken Bird! And gets upset when it can't Fly! Your videos are Always!!!! Enlightening
So you’re the Knight in shining armor 😊 thanks for watching as always
Sometimes ‘we want to rescue because we weren’t rescued’…
I was at least 5yo thinking I wasn’t good enough. I’m 56 yo now and I’m finally understanding my worth and value through therapy and counseling.
I like to believe that everyone has their issue or baggage. Whatever you want to call it. We must find someone whose baggage isnt too heavy. And vice versa. Don't look for the flaws. Look for the good. Communicate about how you feel and what worries you. Stay thinking positive and hopefully whomever your with can handle your baggage/issues and vice versa. If they're toxicity is too strong then move on.
I didn't think I had daddy issues. I thought I had healed. I have family that shows me so much love sometimes I can't take it 😂😂. So I've felt accepted many times in life. I realize today that I date men who are the opposite of my dad in personality and manliness, but have the same struggles internally. They are not emotionally available. They have a lot of trauma. I thought I was attracting these people because maybe I was emotionally available. I thought maybe these men were a mirror. And in a way they were just not a reflection of me. But something I was still trying to "fix". My dad was unavailable and now I try to fix myself to make others who are unavailable open up to me. I let my guard down in hopes that they will show me themselves. I need to stop trying to fix people. Stop trying to put my emotions out there if they won't be reciprocated. And finally address the healing that is needed from the abandonment and unavailability. So glad to have a better focal point. Thank you doctor.
This video is a pearl! I've struggled with bad relationships my whole life. I don't feel connected to my family, never had a romantic partner, I keep shallow friendships and struggle to maintain genuine ones. There's a pattern of drama in my past friendships to the point I become sick of it and cut ties. Grew up with over protective anxious parents and their toxic families who would shout at me for standing my ground but would pamper me beyond reason when I didn't want to be pampered. I've developed deep rooted insecurities that keep me from achieving my goals professionally and socially. Instead of attracting an overprotective partner, I believe I am the one who has become the overprotective anxious parent unknowingly looking for drama in my relationships. How do I stop this from happening?
This was deconstructed and elaborated so profoundly! Just stumbled on this video and I love it.
I know why I attracted the same relationship. Because I was afraid of the past repeating itself and it did. In different ways with different people. I attracted betrayal because my first "love" betrayed me. And I carried that with me. Now that I have released that I acknowledge that I shouldn't expect people to betray me. That's what always happened, I didn't trust, I assumed there was always someone else and there always was. Now I can see that since I healed from him I have healed from those concepts and relationships in general
My concept now on relationships is that I've never had a real loving relationship maybe once. But I never gave my love to someone loyal. And I see now that a relationship is about loyalty. And I deserve to experience that. A healthy commitment. Heal from your experiences. Don't compare past lovers to new lovers. Assume you are the one and only. And you'll be appreciated for who you are.
Omg. Few seconds in, I thought she was talking about my situation! 😱 I have same set of parents!
😊
This was a very clarifying video. I think you are right. I think our childhood expirience defines how we end up with good and bad relationships. If we have struggled with abuse and bad relationships from our childhood, these expiriences will follow us to our adolthood. We will struggle with getting into healthy relationships. Healthy relationships, is not struggeling with these issues.
My father died when I was three, deep down I felt abandoned and that’s exactly what my fear brought.
🙁 it’s powerful how impactful those early experiences are.
Keryn my daughter is 3 and i was six months pregnant with my youngest when he killed himself so she will never get to meet her father any ideas on how I can help them and I'm so sorry for your loss
Omg this was my relationship with my ex! Doc you hit the nail right on the head. I can’t believe it! He was so intimidated by my career and it led to many arguments.
You even answer our questions. This is something we appreciate
I really like her channel format, she makes everything very clear and easy to understand, at an informative but unintimidating video length!
Think it's time for me to see a therapist. Great information!! 💙💙
You’re welcome Ren. Best wishes to you.
Thank you so much for your videos. These videos have spoken directly to me. I realize that I am not a broken person after all. I simply was unaware of my negative behaviors. Now I can begin to address and repair them. I do need therapy and am in search of one. Thanks so much.
Good thing I stop dating for now and focus more on myself .repetitive situations really sucks.btw,thanks doc.
No one to change but ourselves. Lots of times, people give us as good as we believe we deserve because of how we show up. The same person that was aloof or emotionally unavailable can be completely different if we believe we deserve to be treated with respect and we treat ourselves with respect.
Thank You Dr Tracey❣️ now I understand why my therapist from years quit on me; I had come very far from the effects of a troubled mother and two years ago found myself spiraling down fast when started taking care of mom now 79 and with dementia after whole family turned their back and abandoned her because of her violent history and a life lacking self love. Even though has turned my life messy again even when kept my guard up at the beginning, but now being more conscious I’m working to bounce back out as quick as possible. Listening to this realized and reassured many things, including why the therapist ran away so fast🤭. Thank You! 🙏🏼Appreciate You!
This whole situation caught me while dealing with many loses back to back and little or no time for grieving process between them; months ago found you and your videos that had Help me Greatly in this process! Ty Ty! 🙏🏼
I am so grateful for you, Dr T: you are very clear, and seem to be so balanced and normal. There are tons of YT guiders out there who come across as vainglorious narcissists, but you are just plain and clear. I hope your days are boring and predictable, unless you want something different. 🔘❤️♾️
Why does she know me? I knew I needed therapy.
😊
She knows everybody! Grouse comment by the way. It reminds me to not be slack and to make appointments like I should.
Groundhog day Relationships..I had to step back and do some observing of Me and Life.. Today I I'm happy just to get to know me. And believe me when I say being around my family I see the patterns...
Dr Marks, you are so on point. 👍🏾
Thank you 😊
Thank you for this. I feel healed through this. My family needs this
This is so deep! Thank you for taking your time out to share your educated and clinical knowledge with us.
Wow. Dr. Marks has a gift of explaining deep issues and possible solutions.
Grew up with a parent who did not recognize my existence now I am attractive to men who don't really care or accept me
Holy shit the women is me
I just want to thank you for your clear and direct teachings. You explain things so well and plainly that they stick. Thank you
Well articulated!
Thank you 😊
Probably 80% of the earth's population needs to see this vid and learn from it. Dealing with issues in yourself(accountability, past, abuse, selfishness, whatever) just saves u ALOT of pain
I cant believe you give this stuff away away for free.. Thank you so much!!!!
Thank you for this video. Very interesting and deep content. It's a lot of information at once and I had to play this video a few times or stop and pause, try to let the material sink in and then resume. I think it's important to break the cycle, even if you can't fully heal yourself. I'm kinda curious about the responses if I shared this video with my ex's.
It is pretty deep. But I’m glad you followed it. yes sharing it with your exes could give you some valuable information. They may give you feedback that has similar themes that could shed some light on some of your issues that make you attracted to them.
I’ve been able to figure this stuff out by my self , one day hit rock bottom and became enlightened it’s been 5 years but I’ve been on the rd learning my self. I can happily say I’ve broke the pattern and have an amazing partner.
Oh that’s wonderful I’m so glad to hear this. Thanks for sharing. you can give other people hope.
"learn to appreciate the opposite of what you're drawn to" could be applied to so many other things too!
I regularly started watching your videos now I started realising lots of things, i know the root causes of my problem so i will try to fix it, i m from India and here our parents or loved one doesn't believe that there is something called mental health which is important, if they behave rudely, they justify themselves that it's for our own good and it's strictness to make us better person. If someone cheats than it's not the fault the cheater it's you who doesn't makes him happy and satisfied. Lot's of judgemental, sadistic people. But all I can say once i get to know which is not right or what i m doing not right than i should focus on myself, my behaviour, my traumas. So at least i can have a peaceful life. I personally a victim of 2 abusive, betrayed relationship. And yes it's true we attract same personality person like a pattern. Now a days i started understanding myself more , what I really want what I don't like if i get attracted to something what will be the consequences of this. So i m working on myself. One day i will heal and positive. And that will be the perfect time to attracted to positive person. Because I have good understanding on people. In my case i was not healed at all from one relationship and get entered into another because at that time i felt very lonely, only crying but that decision put my life in hell and the result was very upsetting I can't share. I was like again this happened with me. I trusted him alot. But it's all my mistakes because rather than focus on the problem i was running for solution. Self love, self talk, self analysis is very important. ♥️
Yes and yes. Father left when I was 8, mother depressed with 2 toddlers left me on my own, then morphed into disapproving my every thought, feeling and needs. I tend to be attracted to the same type in men. I recognize that now at 65, took awhile to find myself.
This was so on point!! I just told my sons dad this today that people dont try to really think about why they're even drawn to someone over and over or the same kind of person
😊
I can't leave my relationship because there is a child now and I feel guilty by trying to even think of leaving the father when he says "don't leave me, I won't leave you,I love you", my bipolar is out of my control and I can't deal with my snapping
Don't leave him
Take it to God in prayer,,, seek God face so that he can bring peace and stability to your life and home
Unless he is physically abusing u or cheating
Don't give up on your love... Every thing is earned not deserved..,work hard for it
Seek out a marriage counselor and or therapist to get proper care for yourself, the relationship and most importantly for the child.
This video feels like something I needed and a question I’d ask. Thank you. I hope it’s normal to go into therapy asking to focus on this specific topic. Having this pattern and not knowing how to stop it is so painful.
I call these re-enactments of your childhood trauma drama.
Ooooff this!
Thank you for this video. You said the golden phrase to me and that is I need a therapist to work thru this. I will bring it up to her. Thanks again.
This is a remarkable well explained video. Thank you so much. This was very beneficial. Cheers 😉🌷
Thanks so much Angela
I can't emphasize how important this video is to me