How To Stop the Cycle of Negative Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 16 июл 2019
- There’s a concept in psychoanalytic theory called the corrective emotional experience. The classical definition of the corrective emotional experience is that it’s a therapeutic process where the therapist helps you experience what was previously a painful relationship by making it a healing relationship. The therapist does this by reenacting certain dynamics with you and then reacts to you in a way that is positive and different from what you expect. And when you continue to get these responses that are positive and opposite of what you’re used to, you began to heal by having an experience in real time that corrects what happened in the past.
That’s the classic way this concept was defined and used with therapists who practice psychoanalytic therapy. But there’s been an evolution in how the term is conceptualized. It can be thought of more broadly as an explanation for why you seem to be attracted to the same kind of negative relationship - this can even bleed into your close friendships.
This term comes from object-relations theory where people are called objects. And it’s about how you relate to central objects in your life like your mother. The idea of the corrective emotional experience CAN refer to the process of a person seeking a negative object or relationship, for the purpose of reenacting the negative dynamic in a way that allows you to correct the original negative experience.
In this video I give you three examples to illustrate how this works.
What can you do about this?
You start with examining the negative relationships and asking the following questions.
In these relationships what does the person do to you that makes you feel bad about yourself? It could be what they don't do, like she never complements you.
Then look at your relationship with your parents or your close caretaker. Which parent has a stronger impact on you?
Who are you closest to?
Which one who did you have a bad relationship with and why? If it was both, which was worse?
This video is part of my series of videos related to mastering your relationships. This series of videos cover love relationships, friendships and casual relationships at work and school. You can watch playlist here • Master Your Relationships and save it for when I upload new videos to it.
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
I upload every Wednesday at 9am, and sometimes have extra videos in between. Subscribe to my channel so you don't miss a video goo.gl/DFfT33
I just stopped dating and focused on myself.
Same.
same
Same here. Dating nowsday are weak
Same here! Going on 6 years of no dating at all. Don't miss the roller coaster!
Same.
Negative relationships seriously affect our mental health! You want to find someone who supports you and helps you during difficult periods! Not makes you feel worse😩
Very true indeed. 🙂
I agree and most definitely can relate!
@@DrTraceyMarks First off your channel is a great resource and MUCH NEEDED!! This particular topic really hit home for me as I now avoid relationships althoughter afraid of picking the same person in different skin! With that, can you do a video on PTSD vs. Traumatic PTSD, which is a relatively new concept as I understand it, & still outside of a "wartime, or militaristic" context? Also, possibly work in the effects in adulthood of being a parentified child. Though these might not be related, I value your insight & recommendations! With MUCH gratitude & appreciation!
🤗 Saqqara
No one
truth
Keeping boundaries and taking things slow in relationships really helps especially in regards to modern day dating. When you give too much of yourself to the wrong person, it only makes it that much harder to leave thereby lessening your own self respect.
💯💯💯
I learned this the hard way!!
Agreed
Yes! People want to rush nowadays. They don't want to work for it, to earn someone's trust or build a foundation. Sad
💯!
If someone sees a genuinely nice person as boring or weak, they have issues that will very likely be negatively impacting.
True. The woman in the example does have issues that interfere with having quality relationships
Someone I know has been in a bad relationship for the majority of her 20s . She's always always complaining. During a small breakup with this person she dated a super great guy. Handsome, family guy and above all really kind and loving. She said he was too boring. Now years later she says she's sorry she didn't give him a chance.
Yea, its like the people that say, oh he was just too nice, ah just pisses me off
@@Yolduranduran that’s because they find out quickly how green that other grass really is.
Uh oh an incel!
I would love to see a video on what healthy relationships look like.
There’s tons of videos like that ❤️ just search that sentence in the search bar and boom
Opposite of the stuff she’s talking about…?
I second that
Lord am just from saying this
Look up secure attachments
From my personal experience, self improvement caused me to choose better men. As I improved, my choice in men improved.
Awesome!
Gotta work on that.
Naw that didn't work for me. Much therapy and self improvement and still can't pick a good guy to save my life. They are not out there I have offically given up.
@@resilience_onward When I say self improvement, I literally had mind (ways of thinking) and action (ways of doing things) changes concerning relationships. Not like better clothes, or improved hygiene, but changing my inner self. Biblical therapy is the only one that worked for me. Sorry to hear your self improvements didn't work. There are lots of good men out there. You might need to change your mind on that 😉
I was trying to choose better man, but they were all pretty much the same 5 times in a row. They were nagging, emotionally unavailable, controlling, mentally&physically abusive, or just random combination some of the things mentioned. These are all treats of my parents and I hate it so much. My 6th man was perfect for first 6 months, like they all are at the beginning. Then the shit started to blow up. Atleast I chose a man who is a perfect match for my personality and we are able to have fun if he is not causing trouble. However he does most of the time so it's pretty hopeless. Im soooo done.
having an absent father makes sense as to why i crave male validation so much lol
Same. 😔
Same
So many girls and kids today do have absent fathers. I did and seemed really desperate for male validation. Scary because guys can figure this out and take advantage of this.
You can get out of that once you love yourself and you don't give a damm if they don't validate you because you know you are worthy
Bingo.💯🎯
As someone who grew up in an abuse house, and was surrounded by abusive relationships for a long time, I want to add that when you are used to abuse, it becomes comforting. You know how to react to it. Being happy, being treated well can be very scary because you don’t have that script
I ran away from several potentially heathy relationships because I didn’t know to handle them at the time >__>
Yeah this is a huge issue, how to feel safe when something doesn't feel normal
You attract what you feel comfortable with, coming from narcissistic up bringing I got into many of the same in relationships and marriages until I realized where i came from. If it feels like my childhood, its a big red flag.
Yes indeed. 👍🏼
It's based on your attachment style.
Very true.
Cannot agree more!
Thanku i didnt kno..but i do now
I attracted drug addicts, mommy issues, cheater, physically abusive and alcoholic men. Didn't match my home life at all. Then I realized that other people want partners too and I unfortunately fit the bill. Luckily I broke the cycle by making my own choices and not what my parents or other family members thought. It worked I had a great relationship not without it's growing pains but I learned that respecting my mate was essential without that it was doomed. Great video Dr.Marks .
I uncovered this...here's what I found out. I was always attracted to emotionally unavailable people but that's because I (as a formerly anxious person...now earned secure) was also avoiding by not asking for what I needed and setting boundaries. I would also people please like crazy towards the end because I did't know what else to do.
The moment I practiced asking for waht I needed in ALL areas of my life - truly believing I deserved it, set boundaries and honoured them consistently and looked inward something magical happened. No longer attracted to the same person. I actually AM attracted to emotionally available and "nice and boring" folks. The same drama doesn't do it for me anymore because I've allowed myself to express my needs.
I am like you in that I needed to ask for what I wanted. But, before I could do that, I needed to know that it was okay for me to do that. I had to learn I had a right to have requirements. Oh, okay. That I needed to cultivate a sense of Self. To be centered and grounded. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to standup for myself.
I was not attracted to the bad boys or drama. I was just so open and if someone seemed "nice" I trusted that.
I am now centered and grounded in who I am. I have a sense of Self. I found my Spiritual path. I am at peace with myself. I like myself. I appreciate my own company. I am not afraid to be alone. I am at a different place now.
I like to think, when I am ready, I will make better choices. That if it is not right, I can walk away. I have learned to do that with platonic relationships.
I’m so happy for you ❤
I’m also on my spiritual path….it’s been very emotional but liberating at the same time. Takes a lot of strength and determination to face your fears, problems, trauma, memories and limiting beliefs head on, which is why a lot of people don’t do this and would rather find someone else to pour out their anger, frustration, unhappiness and dissatisfaction on cause it’s easier to just do that. Finding a victim to soothe your self or actually playing victim. Unfortunately it takes a degree of self awareness and consciousness to even realize or notice that one has these issues. A lot of people live unconsciously.
One funny thing I observed is that, during this past months of me focusing on myself, my mental and spiritual path, anytime I was on the verge of another break through, people from my past( mostly those I’ve had toxic unhealthy relationships with) would try to come back into my life or show up out of the blues. It’s as if their spirits could sense my progress and so they would come to try to draw me back 😂😂. But I made a promise to myself never to go back to those dark times and so I cut them off without a second thought. I would really shock myself anytime I cut someone off. Especially if it was someone who in the past I would hang on to for dear life, But of course they treated me like dirt, but out of this dirt a beautiful bamboo tree is growing and no matter what she can bend but she will never break.
Sending you much love💗 may your peace be everlasting and may your light continue to shine ✨
Yep, I keep falling for the same emotionality unavailable person. And push away those who actually reciprocated my feelings. It's taken me so many years to finally admit to myself that it probably has something to do with my childhood experience of feeling abandoned and neglected by my parents, even though it was only true of my father who was an ass. My mother did her best but it was tough for her as a single mum. Still, I do harbor resentment towards her as well, for not being able to provide me with all the attention I craved. What I want is someone to acknowledge me, and not abandon me.
Read books on ptsd. I am like you. Now reading is what is helping me. Reading n prayers. Because trust me you will never feel loved enough even if someone come as u want. U will always need moren to break that cycle healing ur past child is is what will help you love yourself and attract who can love you
my experience is similar to yours, my mother even talked to me about how she felt frustrated when as a baby i was very needy and crying nonstop and that she had to always do something to make me stop crying, talking about it as if i was a nuisance to her
so i'm pretty sure that as a baby i sensed that she didn't give me emotional atunement i needed, and then as growing up i suppressed my emotions, still to this day i don't let my parents to see me cry and i also feel uncomfortable crying in front of people in general
That’s honest.
Same here.. It's hard to understand this... Some people just don't understand trauma..
😔
Why is this so damn relatable...
If you have a good husband, this might be a good time to stop and be thankful for him.
Again, such good analysis and advice! As a 71 year old woman, still active and attractive, I have called it “quits” with guys. I open myself up and get hammered every time. I am better off single. 🤦🏼♀️
71 and still active and attractive and entertaining the idea of dating? You're my hero 😊
But I hear you, sometimes you are better off being content and at peace rather than continually in a struggle.
Dr. Tracey Marks Thank you so much for your prompt reply, Dr. Marks. I do so appreciate your kindness.🌺
I'm sorry you've had a hard time, and I hope it changes...but you sound awfully reasonable and sane and I really admire your perspective
@@melanieohara6941I'm done, too. 62 years old and the few people I have recently met are nutty. Just not worth it...I have 2 dogs and one snuggles. Way better, way kinder, way safer. Love to you.
@@melanieohara6941 You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
I think it was M. Scott Peck who once said in a taped lecture, "People repeat what's familiar, even if it isn't good for them."
Great comment!
Then there has been no growth and that's the real problem. If ppl take the time to self reflect, love themselves and request for feedback. You will grow through change.
Love his writings
I broke down reading this. I was always very awarevof the fact that distressed life n relationships is my comfort zone no matter how painful it gets. I know that I must get out of it but never cared to put any effort. Certainty and predictability of the sadness keeps me going rather than being scared of any other unknown emotion. As a child, teen, adult, after marriage n now being a mother...life's all been the same. Never been happy emotionally but atleast, i am familiar of the situations. Every relationship i got into had the same pattern to it.
@@emailjosie39 AKA learned helplessness?
One of the things that I really like about this piece is that it blasts the "nice guys finish last" myth. A lot of people believe that women are attracted to men who have negative 'alpha' traits: being domineering, overbearing, hyper-accomplished, distant, cold, etc. This mythology always struck me as sexist and victim-shaming. Very often we are just attracted to whatever we grew up with in an attempt to heal the wound, as you were saying. That's it. The relationship itself becomes an opportunity to set something straight. And very often it fails and we're left confused, frustrated and hurt. This bit of awareness alone can be very powerful and transformative. Thank you.
@Johnny blames honey you need to watch that video again and ask yourself why you feel this way about women
the 'nice guys finish last' myth comes with an awful lot of factual evidence for being a myth if you ask me.
"lot of people believe that women are attracted to men who have negative 'alpha' traits"
nobody thinks that way. it's about confidence not "negative traits".
"being domineering, overbearing, hyper-accomplished, distant, cold"
well, which one?? being domineering and accomplised or being cold and and distant??
see what i mean?? no offense but get your definitions straight.
what about it is victim-shaming or sexist?? to me it struck as realistic, objective and factual.
and it's only natural, evolutionarily women select bigger,stronger, more domineering men. and they should because after all, the men who didn't meet this criteria either died or weren't useful.
They also make one person an example for all. One woman would reject them for a supposedly manlier man but would see it as all of them. The “nice guy” may also have someone that likes him, but he is not interested in her for the same reason the other woman is not interested in him. The petty and childish behavior is definitely a turn off and there is nothing wrong with remaining kind. Kindness is also seen as a strength.
@@absolutenothing7094 what you’re saying isn’t empirically proven fact, it’s merely an unproven hypothesis. Evolutionary biology is just made up to validate sexist beliefs. What I’m attracted to changes constantly.
A lot of men confuse being nice with being fake, manipulative and lacking integrity, therefore their attempts at attracting women by „being nice“ fail. A genuinely nice guy respects me enough to be honest with me and disagree with me. That’s attractive, what’s not attractive is a man who thinks he has some kind of authority over women and who is rude.
Men and women tend to want what they can’t have. Alpha males tend to be emotionally unavailable. I remember pursuing women and they would gradually back off as soon as I withdrew my attention and focused on other endeavours, they usually pursued my attention. I found that very interesting growing up.
I wish good therapy was affordable. You are right (all 15 times you said it) that therapy is a necessity!
I think it was only 14 😊
@@DrTraceyMarks there is no such thing as a therapy in my country. I know a psychologist who gave all informations of his client to a friend, I have to do this work alone. I started this summer and it is hard. I feel hopeless now because in every video or books. They speak about therapy.
Some people need to hear something 50 times before they think "Hmm, maybe she's right."
Start taking part-time courses at community college in counseling. I can be much cheaper than therapy. (At least it’s something.)
@@bimy2090 there are therapy online
Good points about passive men that can't handle a strong personality, I never picked up on that but it's so true. But also, passivity feels like rejection in itself. If he never directly communicates his romantic interest or feelings or is too shy and expects you to to make the "moves," it feels awful. I want to be confidently and openly pursued romantically-- not be the one coaxing them. In the past I ended up emotionally driving the relationship and refuse to do that anymore.
It’s soooo sooo draining
I can’t be around passive men. It feels like I’m doing all the heavy loading in the dynamic. Even in friendships I couldn’t be around people with passive personalities but I always found myself around friendships who were too outspoken because of trauma
@@Flower-dk9fi Isn't it?? It makes me angry, it's so immature. Grow a set and take a risk like the rest of us. Everyone gets rejected, even models and movie stars. If you can't handle a small thing like that, you can't handle every day stress or be a good partner.
@@ritaevergreen7234 YES! Thank you. Attraction needs to be enthusiastic and reciprocal. I don't want to feel like a mother, encouraging a child to get up and walk. I can't stand passive female friendships either-- I don't want to always be their strength. I need someone to lean on, too. It's hard to find the right balance between too shy and too aggressive in people.
@@ameebohrer1889 I’m in the same boat. Though I have felt like a loner most of my upbringing because most friendships around me were superficial as the norm snd I was just used as someone to go to not because they genuinely sought ought my company.
People generally go after who they are sexually attracted to then try to make it work as a relationship. This often fails because you can't make it work the other way.
Why be with someone u not attracted to
Without Sexual attraction how can there even be a relationship?
The problem is not going for someone who you are sexually attracted to. The real issue is not developing anything beyond the sex. People often have trouble being vulnerable in relationships (guarded) and so if all you have is sex, it won't last because you need more than that.
Men do they all go for looks and we all know this is true.
@@quickpstuts412 this is so correct. Dealt with this before and the person said anything he felt I wanted to hear in order to keep up that aspect of the relationship but had so many complaints about me. Never wanted to let go and I kept trying. I actually felt more and he claimed he did. Finally the light bulb went off and I realized my worth. Wish it could be much more but to some it's not at all.
OMG, for years I have been trying to figure out how my dad relates to my pattern of unhealthy relationships with men. I always wondered how I associated with having "Daddy Issues" when he was always such a great provider and teacher. Whereas I always attract the complete opposite. Well recently I accepted that I attract emotionally unavailable men. This video finally gave me what I've been searching for. He wasn't mean or abusive. I have emotional damage from his absence of validation...wow...i feel such a relief because now I have a focal point to begin healing from...thank you so much for this video🤗
You are right. I stay away from people to be safe 💕
Me too😜
That what I plan to do now. Humans are evil!
@@Zen-cx5tc BUT the thing is...relationships are what life is fundamentally about. Loneliness and isolation aren't normal. In fact, they can shorten your life. I hope everyone who is avoiding having relationships with people will get some help.
Lisa Cunningham you say it shortens your life as if that’s a bad thing. What is the ideal span of a life? How can we know that? What are you basing it on?
We know the outside parameters 0 and 125-130, but that’s the outliers, not the ideal length. So what’s the ideal? How can I know? Just because I can do a thing, doesn’t mean it’s ideal.
@@johnborland7865 Well, I'd like to live to be about 85. Wouldn't that be much better than dying when you are only 50 or 60? We only get one life.
After years of struggling, I'm practicing radical acceptance and focussing on what I can change and letting go of what I can't. Severing ties with toxic people whether their family or friends is crucial too.
Especially the family members. "oh that's still your family" not when they're a toxic energy who constantly like to bring you down.
Ehhhh I’ve dated the player, the narcissist and the “nice guy” they all come with their set of issues. In fact, the “nice guy” scared me the most because he was overly sensitive and ended up having anger issues and temper tantrums after a while. He was a momma’s boy and praised himself on being loyal and a catch. He wasn’t a narcissist but he definitely felt women “had their place.” The player and the narcissist were upfront about being blatant assholes. The “nice guy” had me fooled because he was so attentive in all the right ways but his temper and caveman mentality (I make the money, you clean and cook) scared me.Personally I think We all have issues and it comes down to what we are all willing to put up with at the end of the day.
I absolutely agree with your opinion. I also think in the end everyone has their own issues, people are not perfect, they have wonderful sides and ugly sides to them, some more and some less.
What did you bring to the table besides cooking and cleaning? And if he was the breadwinner paying all of the bills why does cooking and cleaning scare you? Why do women feel they should be treated as such but don’t feel the need to reciprocate that to the man?
So the common factor in all those relationships was you?
@@KvngAmir I can see where you're coming from with this statement, but with the fact that there is nothing in what she said to support this attack comment I believe it was unfair. However, as a woman who has their own business, who is very career driven, have my own things, I can relate to her. There are men that I have dated or come across that feel emasculated when a woman is career driven/successful. The more independent a woman is, the more freedom she has. Some men dont respect that and dont want that. There are men out there who will manipulate you to leave your job so that they become your sole source of income or men who make more money than you and treat you any way they want because they want to get you addicted to their lifestyle in such a way where you will take all the crap from them and not be able to stand on your own. The caveman mentality that she is trying to highlight here could well possibly be one where a man believes a womans place is in the home, having children, being a home maker and nothing more. They dont believe in equal rights and equal opportunities for gender.
@@KvngAmir it often times stems from their insecurity. They HAVE to put themselves in a position where they have complete control and the woman is not allowed to have or entertain certain opportunities.
My first knee jerk thought tho is a fear of winding up like my mother. Married to someone like that and losing my identity to them and never having one of my own.
Omg this is me. Tbh i have a tendency of making other ppl that i love trauma my own and i do it with my mom and little sister alot. Because of this i have a deep intense fear of ending up like my mother and attracting men like my father and step father. This reality plagues my existence.
Same.
This 💯
My experience as well, especially with my last bf. I lost myself and the woman I was ceased to exist.
It was an unhealthy relationship.
Never again for me.
I can thrive on my own. Have friends hobbies, a good life.
After several failed relationships I started soul searching and realized I grew up in chaos and I choose chaos because I have a comfort level there. It is what I knew and was familiar with. Also due to rejection or lack of care from my parents I felt I did not deserve, any thing normal felt too good for me.I felt i wasnt good enough for a person in a normal family environment. Once I was able to see this I made the changes necessary to select healthier relationships and environments. I never had therapy but you can learn a lot reading and being objective if you search.
She literally just made me text my 12 & 13 year old sons to let them know how proud I am of them and much I love them. I hope I don’t eff them up in any way shape or form but I probably did and wasn’t aware of it. Geesh parenting is tough 🤦🏾♀️😔
You are a good parent. You are honest with yourself and not in denial. These are commendable traits that lend to growth.
"When you know better, you do better." - Maya Angelou
@@testtest2609 Aww thank you 🥰
I've had over a dozen therapists and not one has really helped me get past my trauma past. If anything they made my life worse. Those who thinking about becoming a therapist need to evaluate themselves before going into it...Ask the question, do you really want to help others or are you just trying to find a way to understand your life and your mental issues.
Why not both?
Diamind Because you cannot guide somebody else successfully where you have not yet been yourself ...
just saying. 😁👍😇🙏🏻
Have you ever thought that you are the one not letting go of your past someone can help you but it’s still up to you to change and move forward it’s all up to YOU no one else
@@glenholmgren1218 Well, of course you would have to figure your own baggage first, but I mean, one can aim for both.
Honestly, it seems like you are the problem and you are playing the victim because you are afraid of change.
Your first relationship example of invalidating fits my current boyfriend. Starting out I wasn’t telling him to change his habits/behaviors, but soon he started drinking too much, neglecting his studies at college, and ignoring himself. We talked through certain reasons why his life started going this way and I understand them and his low self esteem. We’re on a break now for each of us to work on ourselves because I was becoming consumed with getting him back on track that it was making me unhappy and I started getting frustrated that he wasn’t taking it seriously plus I didn’t want to be nagging. It’s not who I wanted to be in the relationship.
Just give up on intimate relationships all together, and like someone stated below, focus on self.
"What if this is as good as it gets?" -Jack Nicholson
I lovvvveee how she appreciates what therapists do. Therapists are not psychologists nor are they psychiatrists- and they shouldn’t be used interchangeably. Some people are just repeating phases, and not getting the right help.
Thank you for this.
This describes me. I come from a seriously messed up family, absent father, and emotionally toxic, verbally abusive, critical...overworked mother who herself comes from an abusive family. So she simply transferred her issues to me.
Then all my relationships were toxic. Attracted to nuts and insane men. I have no idea how to fix it.
Me too
Same and when I respectfully talked to them about the issue, they absolutely dismiss/deny it.
Dina we have the same experience. I can personally share with you 2 things which helped me 👉🏾 firstly: start reading books to understand & recognise what was going on with my emotion & the kind of person I was attracting. If you like to read I'd recommend you those (they're eye opener) "waiting and dating by myles munroe", "breaking generational curses by marilyn hickey", "wendy dilemma by dan kinley".
👉🏾secondly, do spiritual healing it really help on a deeper level. God knows all we have been through in life & sometimes we don't even remember particular set of events that shaped our mindset, attitude etc but our subconcious mind still remember the pain felt at various stage of our life and it come out in many ways especially in relationship. Praying with verse like deuteronomy 29:29, matthew 7:7 and asking God for revelation about our childhood or family dynamic so that you can break generational chains through prayers & action (therapy, christian counseling, getting advice from people in healthy relationship) it really make a difference
Learn to spot red flags, give no second chances, after 2-3 red flags run. Also keep a note on all the red flags so you don't forget
You have to heal from your trauma.
More videos about how to stop this kind of toxic relationships. How to heal the relationship with your parents that your subconscious manifest in your relationships with partners.
Thanks!
Thanks for the suggestion Treicy. While you’re waiting, Stephanie Lynn coaching does a lot of videos on narcissism, emotional abuse, etc.
So true, this is why I stay single 🤷♀️
Same here
same for me. this reason, among other reasons.
I stay single because I don't really feel like I want relationship. What is the point of having relationship just because everyone does it? I have seen people, who wanted to date someone just because, and it wasn't good
Not sure avoidance is a good approach either...
If you notice a pattern, stop dating.....✌🏾
The hardest thing for me was realizing that the majority of my relationships and friendships were a repeating cycle. I just ended a 10+ year friendship because my therapist helped me realize that she treats me the same way my abusers did. I'm in a relationship with someone who has treated me so well, it's the complete opposite. I'm experiencing something that I have aching for my entire life. 😩
I just got out of my 4th time being the victim of a psycho/sociopathic girl . I’m just now at 45 learning about myself and why I’m the perfect target for these types. I appreciate these videos.
I'm glad you got out. Abusive romantic partners are the worst.
I figured out a long time ago that my highly critical mother had an impact on my relationships [doesn't help that I had undiagnosed ADHD].
ADHD and highly critical don't go well together. ☹
@@DrTraceyMarks
Precisely - it really did a number on my self -esteem.
Parents can and will put their Grown children on a Guilt Trip! If your not careful Especially when you're not part of the Family Click!!
I'm 45 and honestly, sometimes I ask myself if I have "time" to fix myself and enjoy life and relationships. I don't know if it's pointless or a quimeric quest, but I feel so lonely everytime...
Sad
Not too late :) maybe at 50 or more like 60. There are divorced ppl out there
This is relatable. In my childhood, my father would constantly saying what I said/think/do was wrong. Now in my relationship, everytime my partner trying to correct me I got so pissed 😅
This really helps, i never knew my relationship with my parents would determine my behavior and my common sense. So much emotional damage, and now i could take small steps to fix these myself.
Thank you so much 🖤
On the surface, my dad seems like a really nice guy: he has a sense of humour etc. seems loyal and my parents seemed to have a great marriage. I married a man just like I thought my dad was, and my husband and I been happily married for 32 years. It's a lucky thing I didn't find out until after I was married that my dad slept around. Sometimes secrets are a good thing.
Yes it sounds like it.
Your husband isn’t unfaithful like him though right? I’m guessing / hoping not.. what a blessing to be married so long
@@sexyladyakb My husband and I work at the same place and drive in together, so he'd have to have some awesome ninja skills to sneak in any hanky panky LOL!!.
Both my siblings know what my dad did. He's 91 now, and my mom passed 10 years ago. We'll let him pass without telling him we know what happened.
Well if he slept around then he was never loyal
@@janets7291
That's really good of you.
My father cheated on my mother all the time. I let him know what a disgusting SOB he was to ruin my mother's and family's life.
I was in a bad relationship.my ex was abusive but i was attracted to him for no reason.maybe i was recycling my abusive parent's behaviour.
Mn On yes... Our parent’s show us what “love and feeling secure” means, wherever that is unfortunatly. As instinctive babies and children we just absord it. I had an absent dad and now most are my partners were selfish and emotional unavaileble
My pattern was definitely about emotionally unavailable parents. Even before my dad died he was withholding and wouldn't contact us. The problem continues because so often men are taught to be emotionally unavailable, and so the majority of the men that I have come in contact with maintain that stereotype. So even though I know my negative patterns and have worked hard to resolve them, I'm still having trouble finding emotionally available men. I usually give them 1 to 3 months to demonstrate their emotional availability or any level of emotional investment. And most of them can't make it happen. So part of this is definitely an individual thing, but a good portion of this is sociological in nature.
Broken people make broken people. Understand the brokenness within you & start meditation cycle for answers.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. You don't need the hurtful beings in your life to forgive them & to forgive yourself✌✊
Couldn’t agree more!! Great point.
Doc, you're helping many. Jah blessings to you.
Thanks so much Michelle 😊👍🏼
Thank you for this video. I was starting to feel like i m crazy. I can see myself in all of the situations you ve described. I grew up, raised by a very dominant egocentric mother who never complimented me on anything, but rather blamed me for various things. My father was very passive in my education, never really involving himself other than the money he would give us. I have always dated 2 kinds of women. The very dominant and somewhat abusive ones that would never accept me as i am, and the ones that would never consider me as enough, always wanting to date other people, or cheat on me when we are on serious relationships. I can t really take it no more. I have stopped daring.
I had a serious breakthrough revelation while watching this. Amazing stuff.
I’m nearly in tears. All my life I struggled to understand why o kept dating men like my father until I realized through this video, it was because my father really messed over my mom and I felt like she was too passive about it. So I dated the same guy and would always be good at proving him wrong and letting him know I wasn’t the bxtch to fūck with because I’d already be conjuring up in my mind ways about how I would always beat him at his own game. I know I will never get that apology and a chance to see my father atone for what he did to my mother. So I did it to other men. Being overbearing and strong willed would protect me.
I was raised by emotionally neglectful narcissist parents. Life full of Narcs. Finally learning to keep Narcs out of my private and social life.
As a therapist who works with women who are struggling in their marriages I really appreciate the clarity you bring to this subject and the explanation of object relations theory. Your question 'what does your partner do to make you feel bad?' is also a crucial one to ask. Thanks for this video.
I have lived in line with this patterns through my entire adulthood till now, both love relationship and acquaintances from college and work. I was attracted to people who were aloof or cold to me and turned down by people who cares about me and genuinely pays attention to me. It’s very important to start bringing these patterns into awareness and heal step by step, little by little, and day by day.
I didn’t go to a therapist. Im 100% for therapy, but I just never had the time. What I did was I came into myself. I put myself first and I discovered who I was. I became someone who id want in a partner. I became extremely self aware and accepted all of my flaws. I have no guilt or shame in who I am and I choose to move forward and improve. It’s incredibly evident in my life that this has worked for me. I’ve been tested multiple times and so far, my old patterns of behavior rarely come to the surface… sometimes there a break, but not often. I also watch a ton of psychology videos and relationship psychology videos to help me understand how we operate.
Dr. Tracey Marks is wonderful. You break things down to where it's easy to understand. You hit on topics that are very needed. I have repeated the same pattern in my relationships and wondered why. Thank you for helping me.
You’re welcome Angela. Thanks for watching.
I did this my very 1st relationship. Repeated my parents drama. Going forward, I haven't had this issue but I'm dating men from different backgrounds, all who ghost or leave after 6-10 weeks b/c they don't want to put in the work FOR ME. It hurts too but I can appreciate being single knowing what's going on out here.
Wow , so professional!
If am in need of therapist I would find someone like you
Thank you.
The synchronicity of this video popping up in my feed is amazing! I am trying to figure out how to stop being attracted to the same kind of negative relationships.
I noticed that something was wrong with me and men when I approached my 30s, and my solution was to stop dating entirely. I'm 55 and now completely shut off from that world. I discovered that I was doing the same thing with female friends in 2008, and my solution was the same: stop having friends.
I know something's wrong, and I know it's family-related somehow, but I can't work it out and didn't want to step on any land mines in the meantime. And life was busy enough without dropping everything and taking time and money to figure it out. So here I am -- 55 and solitary -- and for the most part, I do like that -- I'm more introverted nowdays. The part I don't like is 55, solitary, and constantly seething with concealed rage that exhausts me. That's nothing I should expose anyone else to, so solitary is best for all concerned.
Same here. And Amen. You're not alone in how you're feeling 🙏🏽
Therapy? That's what it is for, right? To help?
@@jasigana8900 It's also expensive and time-consuming, and takes time away from other things. It was a cost-benefit thing.
@@jcortese3300 it takes time but it’s worth it.
Self healing is an option. You can use many tools to release trauma: journaling (free), meditation, breath work, fasting, spending time with animals/nature, cold water washing, yoga, bodywork, massage, EMDR, micro-dosing psychedelics (like Syrian Rue seeds, acacia bark, mushrooms, etc).
This is exactly why I want to be a positive parent for my kids. I want them to always have positive relationships with other people. (Friendships or relationships)
I have NEVER found a therapist who touched on half of what you just did!!!
I find myself in relationships with Man child's. Men who are co- dependent on me. I usually feel sorry for them thinking my love will make things better.
I use to choose men this way. I finally figured out I was simply repeating patterns from childhood.
You can't raise an adult, I have been there too it's important to learn to put boundaries and heal from childhood or teenage trauma. Do you like reading? If so i'd suggest you those books (they're excellent): "boundaries by townsend", "breaking generational curses by marilyn hickey", "waiting and dating by myles munroe" doing spiritual healing is important too if you're a believer, Jesus-Christ is a healer too it really help to cast upon him all the hurt and trauma you've been through
@@historiqueafricaine1225 I love reading thank you so much. I will purchase them this week
I feel like my four partners I have had have all been really different which is interesting to me. I feel very open-minded with my partners and that I can take on different people but still manage to connect with them in different ways. I am proud of that.
OMG this Dr is a genius!!! She can easily explain something complicated. God bless you Dr.
Thank you so much 🤗
I love the way you speak without 'emotional attachment' to what you're saying, it's comforting. I'm a guy who's found it tough to find therapists who I feel comfortable with. The invalidation aspect of relationships was my 'eureka' moment. I've spent a lot of effort 'trying' including with the therapists until I couldn't any longer...it's a weird loop to be in
This woman is so amazing in how she "SEES" people!
Bravo! 👏👏👏👏
Why does she know me? I knew I needed therapy.
😊
She knows everybody! Grouse comment by the way. It reminds me to not be slack and to make appointments like I should.
Thank you Dr. Tracy. The swag man does know how to handle my strong personality. I've had to be strong due to the neglect I've experienced as a little girl.
It’s not always a bad choice. The swag man needs someone too 😊
Bless this woman - not only Dr. Auntie educating and informing - but she gives us info that we can take to counseling to actually heal.
You did my therapy session. This is exactly what I needed to hear!! Thank you! I can begin my healing journey from here.
I just now started to see this pattern, even after a good relationship with a good person ended because of outside circumstances and me pushing them away. Great content.
Once again, holy hell, looking back, I realized why I've had these relationships. I kept getting put down for my efforts (various people). My last relationship was one I thought was right but just as you said, same woman, different clothing. I'm glad I found this, it has been eye opening
I've watched this video about four or five times already. It's like hearing someone talk about my life as though they've lived it themselves. Talking to women about my pain doesn't usually end well either. Thanks for sharing Dr. Tracey Marks.
Oooweee!! She hit the nail right on the head with that woman example!! Omg I really do find myself attracted more to the men who are emotionally unavailable because I had an absent father.. this was such an eye opener! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Recently a guy I felt in love with ,broke up with me . At first , everything was magical but then personal problems showed up and he distanced himself . I did my best to try to understand what he's going going through and be there for him but in the end he just ended up the relationship . Yesterday he said he stopped having feelings for me. The question is how can someone change his mind so fast ? Why can't I keep someone for the long-term ? This type of situation had happened before and I'm sick of it. All I ever wanted was to find someone with whom I can build something serious , someone willing to stay.
Sorry no one answered yer question. Chances are the transition was gradual, but they di'nt AD-mit it or tried to bury it 'n' hide it, hopin' the feelin' would go away. Only for it ta IN-crease over time, til they couldn't hide it no more, 'n' decided ta end it. To y'all it seemed instant, but to them it was a gradual process.
Simmler story fer when ya break up 'n' they're in a relationship almost immediately afterward. It didn't happen over night, they started somethin' small 'n' tried to hide it 'ntil one day they felt SE-cure 'nuff to letcha go. Then commited to the other person, or maybe even b'fore they let ya go!
Hope that helped ya!
Same
This is why this video is very narrow. Cause i dated seemingly nice guys who turned out to be really bad. People are pretenders...they get bored of you easily
You need not blame yourself for this.
I would guess the feelings were gone when he started distancing himself. It just took him some time to tell you. Think about it, when we have problems is when we lean closer to the people who matter to us. I am not blaming you, but I had a problem with meeting really nice guys, and then eventually they would turn into assholes. I wondered what I was doing to them to make them turn out that way. Someone pointed out that I was meeting assholes who knew how to act nice, once they got comfortable they didn't bother trying so hard. Upon refection, it made sense. And perhaps in a different way, the same thing is going on with you.
Like, they were all unable to take it to the next level, and back away when things start getting too serious.
I really like her channel format, she makes everything very clear and easy to understand, at an informative but unintimidating video length!
You summed it up just right, I see the dynamics that exist for my daughters because of their dad's desertion, and my relationship with my parents, who were both in the home with me. Thank you
This was deconstructed and elaborated so profoundly! Just stumbled on this video and I love it.
This just clarified the truths I learned from listening to Loveline over the millennia, Dr. Drew is half the reason I’m alive. I think gay men choose partners that are based off both parents. Every man I’ve been into has been a little sullen, self-centered, grandiose, addicted, but at the same time caring and seemingly giving enough to keep you around...like my Dad. And a little of Mom thrown in there, so it’s always about their feelings not mine and I’m supposed to already know how to act and react to them because I’m so smart but so mediocre at the same time. I stopped myself just recently from dating two people because I picked up the same old vibes and the same old looks in the eyes and brash confidence that would’ve made me swoon once. Now it just irritates me because I know I have to move on by them.
This is so deep! Thank you for taking your time out to share your educated and clinical knowledge with us.
Omg, you LITERALLY talk my life.
You are amazing and I appreciate you.
Thank you for all you do for us!
Thank you Dr Marks for all that you do. Your videos have saved me. Especially with my Bipolar type 2. This video. Is very informative. Thank you once more! 😊
I'm so glad they're helpful. Thanks for continuing to watch. 🙂
Wow. This is some powerful information. It spoke to my heart of my issues that I deal with people in or were in my life. Thank you soo much for this.
You’re welcome Robert. I’m glad it was helpful
You even answer our questions. This is something we appreciate
Thank you for this. I feel healed through this. My family needs this
Grew up with a parent who did not recognize my existence now I am attractive to men who don't really care or accept me
Holy shit the women is me
You have no idea how much I needed to see this. Thank you so much. Now it's time to peel to the root of the problem.
You’re welcome. I hope the peeling is revealing. 😊 I just made that up.
I just want to thank you for your clear and direct teachings. You explain things so well and plainly that they stick. Thank you
I am so grateful for you, Dr T: you are very clear, and seem to be so balanced and normal. There are tons of YT guiders out there who come across as vainglorious narcissists, but you are just plain and clear. I hope your days are boring and predictable, unless you want something different. 🔘❤️♾️
Omg. Few seconds in, I thought she was talking about my situation! 😱 I have same set of parents!
😊
Dr. Marks. I love you so much. Glad I found you on RUclips. You’re looking as beautiful as always. Thanks for all the help you gave to me while in Atlanta.
OMG 😯. You found me. Thank you for commenting. I hope all is well with you. I think about you from time to time. 🤗
This was a very clarifying video. I think you are right. I think our childhood expirience defines how we end up with good and bad relationships. If we have struggled with abuse and bad relationships from our childhood, these expiriences will follow us to our adolthood. We will struggle with getting into healthy relationships. Healthy relationships, is not struggeling with these issues.
Thank you for providing clarity, insight, and hope.
This is such an important topic... So many people run around in circles and never get unstuck from these detrimental relationships!
Please, take care of yourself!
And if you need help, please know I‘m available (as a therapist).
Wishing you all the best 🙏🏼💙
Thanks Enrico.
Dr. Tracey Marks You’re very welcome, Dr. Tracey.
Of course, I was speaking mostly to your viewers as I’m sure you can handle your own life excellently :)
Nevertheless I wish you all the best, and know you’re giving incredible service to all of us sharing your knowledge and wisdom.
Thank you! 🙏🏼
Hi Enrico! I have a question for someone with your knowledge. Once you’ve identified the issues in your caretaker relationships, what’s the first step in resolving them? I would like to talk to my father about the emotional support I feel I lack from him but what is really to expect from that? Or is there a better place to start the work? Thanks for reading!
@Janice Doe Hi Janice, thanks to you for your question: it's a great one and I see that you're already aware of what the source of your discomfort is, which is the best starting point!
First of all, taking a chance to talk to him is a great and mature way of dealing with a situation like that, and if he's an understanding and mature person too, you could get very good results from that.
Of course, I’d need to hear more from you about what is/was actually happening between you and him, to have some context to start with.
But anyway, I firstly want to share with you some premises that I believe are essential in cases like yours:
1. We are, ultimately, all alone individuals, and responsible for our own life and well-being (this is especially true because we are the only ones who know exactly what our desires, preferences and needs are, and therefore we're the only ones who are able to manage ourselves in order to meet them).
It can feel sad at a first look, but it's also a very liberating truth, because it gives us the power of being whole and independent people, which we actually are.
Of course, relationships are vital to us, and it's a great thing to nourish them and keep them healthy and fulfilling, but we must approach them from a place of trust in our own capacity of dealing with literally any situation in life, by ourselves (at least from a mental/emotional and overall perspective).
2. Parents are imperfect humans as all of us are, and can often (mostly always) be unable to provide us with all we need, in terms of material things and emotional support (the one you mentioned). We all tend to build up a sense that they can offer us all we need from childhood, but that's a tricky period of time to take as a reference, because our needs are basic and therefore we get the false impression that those people (our parents) have the power of being our ultimate salvation from every life situation.
.
That being said, the first thing you should try doing is to do your best to understand where your father came from and how he came to the point of being with you in such a way that made you feel a sense of lack of emotional support. Also, parents are often different from us enough that they're practically unable to read our minds and empathise with us enough to make us feel really understood. It's just what it is, and it's actually a goof thing because on the other hand we don't want to feel dependent on someone else for our own fundamental well-being. It's an act of emancipation.
It takes effort, but it's required if we want to live our lives fully and free from the anxiety that comes from the fear of being alone.
Once you accept and start processing this, I believe things will evolve within you and make you start a growth process that will make you feel better and, at that point, what your father will do for you, will "just" be some welcome "extra" love.
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Anyways, if there's more to that and you feel like you prefer sharing it privately, just let me know (maybe try this RUclips messenger link? youtu.be/addme/_Xer3WATAB_zEdd8my2ua9IDAUZNqQ)
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I hope this helped you and I wish you a good rest of your day.
Take care,
Enrico
Enrico Fusai thanks so much Enrico! Bless you
Dr Marks, you are so on point. 👍🏾
Thank you 😊
Thank you so much for your videos. These videos have spoken directly to me. I realize that I am not a broken person after all. I simply was unaware of my negative behaviors. Now I can begin to address and repair them. I do need therapy and am in search of one. Thanks so much.
This may finally be the push I needed to get a therapist. Thank you Tracy Marks!
Well articulated!
Thank you 😊
Dr Tracey, thank you and I love you and your work is invaluable. I love to hear the science behind these issues. Thanks much!! 🙏🏿
You’re so welcome. Thanks for watching.
Fascinating. Excellent.
Observer mode.
Emotionally corrective experience example is right if you love your mother. You assume that the man loves his mother.
On extreme cases where the man hates/reject/deny his mother, he would seek the opposite to his mother's type.
I love this channel. Thank you Dr. Tracey.
Your clarity regarding patterns and repeating patterns. It's spot on. I'm now able to see the patterns in my previous relationships (3 months in), so now I'm working on distancing slowly and respectfully out of this relationship. My father was mentally abusive. I grew up feeling sad and rejected). I gravitate towards short tempered men, slick men, who really are not in my corner, and this one I'm with. He wants to constantly point out how much I need him, as he forcefully at times grabs my arms to put around him or the constant annoying kissing. Mostly at the wrong time or place.
Well, my kids are grown, and that saying of "you need your man don't you," which is something he loves to say, is in my book manipulative. 🤔
But, the quick aggravated and not validating my concerns or thoughts This is the reason I'm moving on. I will no longer allow in my life. A person who makes me feel uneasy and not grounded.
So, to end this, I must take care of my mind and the space I allow people to come in. Do not allow people you are dating. To come in to soon into the places you visit frequently. Pace yourself and see if you want them around family and friends. Also see us they have friends and family. It's important they do. 🤗
I do not have to settle; it's okay not to be in a relationship, and it's okay to be in a healthy relationship. My goal is to draw away the negative men, see the signs, and run.🏃♀️ Allow a good God fearing (yes, Amen) man to share this life with me. But only when the time is right and the patterns are broken. ☺️
I like to believe that everyone has their issue or baggage. Whatever you want to call it. We must find someone whose baggage isnt too heavy. And vice versa. Don't look for the flaws. Look for the good. Communicate about how you feel and what worries you. Stay thinking positive and hopefully whomever your with can handle your baggage/issues and vice versa. If they're toxicity is too strong then move on.