Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
- Have you been in a relationship where every time you have a conflict, even a small one, the other person just shuts downs and doesn’t want to talk? How do you deal with that? This video is based on a viewer question. Her situation was she had a boyfriend who didn’t talk much, especially when she wanted to talk about their relationship. When she tried to press him on it, he gets angry. His anger made her withdraw and silently deal with her pain.
I discuss in this video how the first step was to determine if her boyfriend’s lack of talking was because he was a poor communicator. I discussed ways she could help him talk more by asking opened ended questions.
I also address the possibility of him giving her the silent treatment. I discuss what that means and how do deal with people who do that.
Want to know more about mental health and self-improvement? On this channel I discuss topics such as bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety disorders, attention deficit disorder (ADHD), relationships and personal development/self-improvement. I upload weekly. If you don’t want to miss a video, click here to subscribe. goo.gl/DFfT33
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
Love this answer. I was in a relationship with this type of person and whenever he'd get mad, he'd ignore me. He'd ignore me for days and at first, I'd be frantic and try to talk because anything was better than the silent treatment. Towards the end of the relationship, I stopped being reactive when he'd give me the silent treatment. It was a complete turnaround and he'd come back around much sooner than before. By that time, I'd nearly checked out bc I just couldn't take that anymore. When he'd come around after the silent treatment, he'd behave as if nothing ever even happened, he wouldn't even address his behavior. No apology, no explanation, nothing. He'd jsut resume like normal. This is no way to live, and so I left.
Did you come back to him?
@@haihai5293 No. I ended up leaving the relationship because I couldn't deal with the silent treatment anymore, on top of other things.
@@curlymixednezz Thank You for the honest answer. Yes the silence is the worse.
@@haihai5293 you're welcome... yes it is... it's absolutely terrible
@@curlymixednezz good for you to recognize it and leave 👏🏽 👍🏽
I have told my husband that his headstone is going to read: “Here lies but he doesn’t want to talk about that right now.”
😂
Thank you for the video. I realize I do this to my girlfriend when I don't like something she does. I know that communication is very important in a relationship. I will stop doing it.
Good for you John. I’m glad to hear this. Insight is the beginning of change.
None of us are perfect. Being open enough to realize when we've adopted dysfunctional coping mechanisms or communication habits takes courage and honesty. A lot of times we realize or learn to late to save a relationship - but these are important lessons to learn for ourselves. The loss of someone we care about hurts deeply, but personal growth and discovering self-love is liberating. Finding the skill and awareness to avoid unnecessary pain/conflict in future relationships is a healthy place to be.
@@DrTraceyMarks I kind of disagree. Are you suggesting that this person change his nature (temporarily) only to find out later that it is his natural state to be succinct?
amazing self - awareness!!!!
I once attended a local mental health talk and one of the first concepts taught was self accountability. It's truly remarkable when we accept we are wrong and move towards change. I am still struggling with changing my negative emotions and depression from PTSD
Silent treatment doesn't work for me. If you stay silent too long. I stop caring about you....and sometimes you never get what you had back. Learn how to process your anger before it's too late
💯💯
Amen @ you can't get what you had back!
Yeah.. there's no mention here how damaging the silent treatment can be for the person on the receiving end.
I love your straightforward, informative videos. They are excellent. This one really needs the addition, though. If someone is playing the silent treatment game, it's time to protect your mind and walk away.
Its not so easy to walk if married and have kids 😑😑
The last silent treatment lasted 13 days. I walked away. And now he’s texting like everything is normal. Blocked him, done. I traumatized myself staying so long. Beating a dead horse, he’s not going to stop.
I was married to someone like this years ago. It was a nightmare. Thanks for reminding me how awful it was.
yes, it's a terrible way to live
@Arwen 🌿🦋 I think that means they need to work on their communication skills... they could have a fear of conflict due to past relationships or maybe even childhood and instinctively react in that same way... I think it's possible to learn to respond in a different way, it will just take time and effort
Yes, it's why I packed my bags and left. They never wanted to resolve any issues
@@allthingsjana7870 how long did you stay?
How long did you stay?
I'm dealing with this kind of man, he will give me 2 weeks silent treatment after we argue, and his family are the same too... It's the way how they brought up...
You need to gtf away
I need time to process my emotions, and there are times I'm not ready to talk. I have also shut down when I felt that what I have to say will get me no where, because the other person is so desperate to be right that they don't care to hear what I have to say.
This is what I thought she was going to talk about, but she went in a different direction.
It's normal to need time to process emotions and to communicate that need. It is abusive to intentionally cause mental tension or emotional distress, for any reason. The difference being an intention to punish; passive aggressively sending a message; to manipulate; or find fresh targets during the break.
Yes this is me too!
Me too and he tends to talk over me. 🙄
@@Fuse_146 Oh thanks for this clarity. I too need time to process my emotions and withdraw, it is not my intention to hurt anyone in the process. I thought I was being abusive by going silent but it is something i really need to do to process things. You are right, it is all about intention.
I think this is interesting. Thanks for the input. I am a “silent treatment” person but I’m a little different. For me, I HATE anger. So if I feel angry, I don’t want to react then deal with consequences later. So I get quiet so I can mull it over and decide if I have the right. I am also thinking of how I can word things properly. I will later either apologize and explain. If I feel justified in my anger then I start questioning if I want to continue the relationship, depending on what occurred. This may not be healthy, but it is just where I am right now and what makes sense to me based on the things I experienced as a child. Again, thanks for sharing how others can see silent treatment.
I am exactly where you are! cheers to growing up further emotionally! 🤗
Me too!
I’m no doctor, but if I paid attention to the video right, that sounds like you are just not a good communicator. Like you need time to process and think which isn’t bad. A silent treatment type of person will become silent not because their thinking what to say but they are doing it to PUNISH the other person. You don’t become silent to punish you literally don’t have the words & need time to think. Which means you not really a good communicator.
Kalimata101 Interesting, I don’t think it applies to me, but I appreciate the input. I like chit chat, and I’ve been told I’m a great communicator. Just when I’m angry I don’t like it so I get quiet to mull it over before I speak. That way I don’t lose control and say things I’ll regret later.
@@victoriadorgu3207 Stop spamming this.
Its their way to shut you down. Abuse.
I have no time for this in a relationship. If we can’t talk, he’s not for me.
🙂
And that's okay. :)
This goes for friendship too and at least in my world.
Some women love to put you on the witness stand; I wish they kept that same energy with teachers, counselors, principles and their children. Often times these individuals aren't challenged at all but the man in many cases feel interrogated on a witness stand. Maybe some women ought to go to law school!
Bravo for being secure enough to walk away.
I love listening to you. The way you articulate things is very easy for me to understand. I wish I could find a therapist/psychiatrist that is half as insightful as you are. Many thanks.
me too!
100%
Silent treatment is manipulative & deliberate. Not for me.
In my opinion those people who give a silent treatment are like a sadists who want you punish and give you a emotional pain until they achieve their goal which will be enough satisfied them ,then they will continue talking.This is most popular tactic toxic partners which are in relatiinship otherwise they wouldn't do it.If I was a victim after one time of doing this chidish behaviour I would open the door to them and say goodbye.
That's a great video, Dr Tracey. That kind of toxic and frankly nasty behaviour sounds like a great recipe for a short and soon-to-end relationship ☹.
If anyone loves you then why on earth would they want to treat you that way?
If you're being treated badly, if your partner is toying with your feelings or playing games with your self-worth my advice would be to GET OUT AND GET OUT QUICK! Don't let anyone chip away at your self-esteem in that way. You're worth so much more than this.
And as for the old line that "I love you, but I just don't like you right now" ―― that's all too often just an excuse for bad behaviour. If your partner is treating you bad on a regular basis then GET AWAY FROM THEM! Life is too short!
My boyfriend just told me that, a couple weeks ago, "I love you but right now I hate you"... I still can't figure out if he's giving me the silent treatment or because he's too overwhelmed by anger that he doesn't want to talk to me. It happens usually with a small thing I said, or when I open up about my feelings, somehow he takes it badly. He would sometimes just snap at me because I would talk too loud (which happens rarely though) or start a debate with friends he doesn't feel appropriate. One problem is that in 95% of all the above cases, we had been drinking a few glasses and I think the alcohol has also its part to play. Still, I'm wondering about that behaviour, or is it me?
People are so quick on these comments to advise to “just leave”. Just leaving isn’t “Relating” and we are in relationships to learn about ourselves and others. You can’t improve if you’re always leaving when you don’t get your needs met. Sometimes staying and learning together takes time and practice. Don’t be so quick to blame and try more to understand
I agree with this so much. There are many different types of relationships and they don't always follow the same path. Plus if we had to leave every time things need some work one would just be having multiple partners. I see beauty in something built over time through working and growing together
Agree as well, there's a way to make your partner see the effect of what he is doing, you can work on your reaction he can work on his actions if you are adults. Alot of times they don't realize the devastating effect.
Thank you for this video. I am a girl and I do this to the people in my life, especially my boyfriend who is an excellent communicator. He is the one who made me realise I am doing this. I am not trying to be emotionally abusive to anyone, it just gives me lot of anxiety to share my true thoughts. I grew up in a physically, verbally, emotionally abusive environment where my opinions and thoughts was shut down immediately as a child so I don't find it safe to communicate with anyone openly. I am working on it now, telling myself it is safe now to share my thoughts and communicate.
My bf does it to control. I put my boundaries in place this morning and it feels amazing. I can do bad all by myself
I recently got out of a four year relationship. We are both now 51 years old. The communication was horrible, from day one. He drove me insane. But my self love and self esteem wasn't in a good place to move on sooner. It was emotionally draining because I just didn't understand how a grown man was not able to express himself. I never knew his true feelings, not by his actions or words. Enough is enough
Good for you for getting to the point of enough is enough. It is like a roller coaster of emotions even after leaving them but they are NOT worth our time. They are time wasters and soulless. Wishing you a peaceful, easy transition into a BEAUTIFUL Life with someone else in time who doesn't such play childish petty games. They are like over grown toddlers always needing to be coddled and never grown up...not in their 30's, 40's, 50's, or 60's.
This is why I steer clear of romantic relationships, who the hell needs these types of hasssles🤔
Maybe I should have been too..
I agree, think I'll get a big German Shepherd
Luna
But we all crave relationships as she said & romantic relationships are not the only type of relationships
@@armentablessed7381 well romantic relationships suck if you have insecure attachment style because you attract other people who are also insecurely attached. Those relationships are painful, frustrating and not healthy at all and damage you in the long run. So as long as you are insecurely attached your relationship will only draw out the worst in you.
@Zane Cactarfolg I read books. Have you?
I'm in this situation right now,very hurtful but this video really helped me put it into perspective. Don't think this relationship will make it passed Christmas...
It's unfortunate that this is happening at THE BEGINNING of a new relationship. "Don't ignore the signs" is a really good video. Thank you Dr. Tracey
Silent treatment is abuse.
avoiding is abuse if allowed .
Silent treatment is shouting out loud "I don't wan't this p***s*** anymore"
Vishva Kumara but, why they can’t fu**kin move out
Vishva Kumara no silent treatment is an abuse tactic to undermine the victim. A real man would move on and say hey We aren’t working and we need to find a solution to get out of a relationship. On the flip side women have to decide what they are worth and willing to put up with.
Kristan LeAnne I would love to see if you can get an TEMPORARY ORDER OF PROTECTION with that allegation.
Your Honor I want an order of protection because he’s giving me the silent treatment❗️ it might be helpful to look up abuse in family law for legal assistants. 😏 it could be a career Avenue.
For those that are confused and still believe you are giving silent treatments to loved ones:
People who give the silent treatment gaslight others into believing that nothing is wrong.
People who withdraw acknowledge that there is a problem to be discussed, they just aren't ready to talk about it yet.
I often withdraw because I don't want to spread my pain to others, I always get hurt by the smallest most insignificant things and I don't want to make others feel shame for saying or doing something perfectly normal and acceptable.
The thought that someone would just throw me away because of how difficult it can be for me to communicate was crushing, so thanks for your comment
@@dd4run Nope just boundaries. People don't owe you closure on YOUR time. They will talk when they are ready to talk.
@@dd4run Look at you, trying to argue on a video about arguments. I am disengaging. And, no, we will NOT be discussing it later.
@@dd4run Ever have people in your life walk away from you? Has it ever occurred to you that you're argumentative personality is exhausting to be around and most people will just choose the company of less stressful individuals?
Something to think about this holiday season.
Also: It's not the "silent treatment" when you're a stranger on the internet. No one here owes you a conversation. I don't know you. YOU commented to ME. I replied more times than I was required to. Again, your entitlement is outrageous.
@@aksprkl6594 Well this is nuttier than a fruitcake. I asked you nicely to PLEASE maintain your “disengagement”, you just could not resist. Speaks volumes. Asking if you’re giving me the silent treatment was A JOKE hence the smiley. That you’re unable to grasp that concept, well, SMH.
Going forward, deleting this conversation & you’ll be blocked from my notifications. I will re-comment on your original comment bec as I said its for those who’ve had to endure the abuse of controlling manipulation in the form of the silent treatment to have correct information.
Oh man... that was eye opening. My husband is the poor communicator, and occasionally it would frustrate me so much that we would get in a fight and I would give him the silent treatment. I don’t think that I consciously meant to punish him per se, but there was definitely a feeling of getting even. Like, "well fine. He's not gonna talk to me. Then I'm not gonna talk to him either." It's taken a lot of work for both of us to grow as healthier communicators, and definitely recognizing that my behavior is not healthy and trying to meet him halfway with open-ended questions has helped tremendously.
Two days on the receiving end of the silent treatment... Sad and exhausting. This happened after a discussion where he clearly mistreated me...
Thank you so much, you're the best mental health channel on RUclips!! You give really clear explanations and provide examples and practical things to do to help the situations and problems. And you do it in less than 15 minutes. ✨✨✨
Thanks a lot Katarina! I really appreciate that. 🤗
Thanks. I’m leaving a narc guy I’m seeing who is going the silent treatment a 2nd time in one week. Once he replies to my message it is time to ignore him - FOREVER.
I personally resort to silent treatment only when I am extremely hurt and angry, and communication has failed. Especially in situations where I am being vulnerable and raw and honest, and the other person keeps attacking after I have already opened up and trying to resolve whatever the situation was. I'm not thinking of it as punishment for the other person because in the process I am actively suffering as well. Being silent doesn't give me any feeling of satisfaction whatsoever, it's painful to me, and getting angry for not getting a chance to explain things in a conflict situation adds to it. But if that situation occurs, I will remove myself from the situation. I will go into a different room and sleep it off, unless I am completely seething inside. When I am ready I will come out, and then we can talk about what happened, as long as it's constructive and both sides are being heard. I am not a poor communicator or a narcissist. Sometimes there are just more reasons to going silent than that. I wish things could be as simple as some seem to think they are. Full blown narcissism (be it malignant or covert) and having a narcissistic trait due to whatever a person has been through in life (which pretty much everyone has) are two very different things. VERY different things. I happen to know because I foolishly fell for a narcissist, which led to full-blown depression, all my childhood trauma resurfaced as a result, and my entire life and identity was completely shattered. I am still picking up the pieces and there are still days when I think I'm not gonna make it. Sometimes going silent is nothing but a way to draw the line when the communication is obviously not working in the moment.
Exactly... Generalising things won't work .. completely disagree dat only narcs use silent treatment... if u r using silent treatment as a weapon to get upper hand then this is wrong... But feeling speechless n overwhelmed n too angry automatically make me silent as well...
But that is the result after clearcut explanations ignored totally...
You can still say I’m taking space. Or “internalizing”. There’s no reason for silent treatment. Taking space is ok, respect and love your partner enough to tell them what’s going on. “I feel attacked and I’m trying to communicate, it’s not working so I need to take care of myself right now”
My partner does this and sleeps in the middle of an argument and doesn’t take their responsibility. I want the whole thing to end and so I apologize for my bad tone with good words but bc my tone is threatening but I’m just frustrated and my sorry doesn’t do anything bc they still need to process their emotions. But instead of saying their sorry they need aren’t ready they hid behind headphone even their phone when I’m faced in front of them trying to resolve. It’s blunt and I’m tired of them not seeing how the hurt me! I’m sorry I taught myself to process faster, bc life is too short why can’t they?! Inaction is action. A whole day in silent treatment to process emotions she’s 34 process faster! If I can have pet pevs and be mad and still love and hurt but still make effort of actions to carryon in loving manner than it’s just them distracting themselves and not working on processing their emotions. It should be less than 20 mins everyone take note
@@SS-in1ts that would be assurance. A bad communicator doesn’t let their partner know they just give silence or put their phone to their face . An inaction is action. I respect someone saying they need space or 20 minutes but if they walk around and give no time limit them they essential is torturing the person for how ever long they wish until they process their feelings which should take no adult longer than 20 mins in alone space. If they take long it’s bc they distracted themselves
This opened my eyes - I admittedly am the toxic one, I shut down all the time. My parents did it a lot so it became my norm. It's hard to open up but I realize I'm the only one in my way. Thanks for the video, Tracey
Mental and emotional manipulation is terrible. It always makes me feel that I’m not good enough, In actuality they aren’t .
okay but,, my mom acts like this all the time. every time she gets angry (sometimes very randomly, i never know what to expect from her - her mood is unpredictable) she gives me the silent treatment. i hate it.
Okay so the silent treatment is toxic? I'll work on it..
All right then. Best wishes to you. 😊
It is really painful.
I'm late but this is funny 😂
Yes. Don’t do it
Im like this. It’s horrible. I think it might be detrimental to my marriage. But it’s like I have no idea how to speak my mind. My mom beat the shit out of the kids that spoke up and I’m so afraid of conflict. I really don’t know how to get over it. It’s like I don’t want to upset anything so I don’t speak.
Subjecting anyone to silent treatment, stonewalling and refusing to communicate is immature. It’s a form of control. If this was evident early on in any of my relationships I would run for hills and never look back! It’s cruel, soul destroying and mentally harmful to the person who had to endure it.
I think I'm dealing with this treatment and today i cried upset intense heart ache agony.
I'm now calm but it's so confusing.
His last text was 3 days ago "i understand you, i have to manage a woman in my life again together with my business. Let's call more often!
He also wrote " any man who Let's you go is crazy and I'm not crazy".
Then 3 days silence.
He started very warm and affectionate in the beginning of talking. I was careful but i still got attached in my heart biti also felt an unpredictable vibe.
Tomorrow if he is still quiet I hope that i won't feel the pain from today. Horrible.
I sent him a message that i felt confused again and that i hope he will let me know if he wants to leave it at that
I'm being mature open and vulnerable yes but if he is integer he won't abuse it abd if he does it's not my lack of dignity but his selfish ways
It's torture but someone asked me if i neec much validation but im generally relaxed secure. I think i react to contrast of pretty words but no follow up. False promises etc. I'm starting to feel angry again how ppl play or are indifferent about how their silences van hurt others.
Lack of communication and reprociation is a basic need. Everyone is different and sure he is very busy he but he doesn't communicate clear about when we finally can meet up.
I want to delete his nr I'm feeling angry again but i can't yet.
I will not reach out anymore from now on and accept it's not real after all. Dmn i told him about my past hurt.
I healed and wss careful but here I am.
There are many ppl like this on dating app.
Yes I'm going through this now. We didn't talk for three weeks. He texted me and we talked and got back together had a great weekend and now he's been a ghost for two weeks. I'm Done
Leave him.
It’s much easier to leave if your younger, have a good profession, and are financially independent but believe me, if your disabled or have a long term serious chronic illness and are entirely reliant on him financially, then your trapped in these never ending cycles. Harder to say ‘Just leave’ then.
Thank you! I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and I'm getting the silent treatment for the first time... At least we are both in therapy for a while, so I m hoping he will learn to deal with things in a different manner.
I've found writing a letter to him about heavy issues we need to hash out vs talking it out works better for us.
This way he had time to read/comprehend what I'm actually saying rather than waiting for his turn to talk or get defensive straight away.
We put thought into our words to each other more carefully when hand writing response thus better able to tackle issue at hand rather than interrupting the other to make our point, talking over each other and bringing up things from 6 weeks ago changing topic of original convo and end up having no resolution, just more issues you didn't even know were a problem! Sigh, relationships are hard sometimes!
Why do ppl make it seem like you get married and ride off into sunset together happily ever after the end, book closes? That sure is fairy tail...
Tiffany Roth
Hi. I’m so glad this works for you. I wrote letters to my ex because of his angry/defensive reactions to my attempts to talk about hard things. He just ignored my letters. We are now divorced. 🙁
@@peacemaker7757 I wrote too to an ex after this silent treatment of me where I thought I was in a relationship with an adult who loved me. I too was ignored, though I expected him to ignore the letter. A leopard doesn't change his spots, it's passive aggressive control and manipulation and abusive, and it's sadly taken me too many years to realise that.
Let's step back and figure out why this person would continue in a very short time relationship with that boyfriend. He isn't a good communicator. You have to ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone like that. The first few months of a new relationship should be the 'honeymoon' phase where everyone is on their best behavior. Also, you are getting to know each other. If this silent/non-communication is irritating now, it will only get worse the longer you stay with this person. Ugh.
Those are good points. I didn’t think about the four month thing and how you have time to get to know each other if there’s not much communication. Some people are attracted to people they want to improve.
@@DrTraceyMarks True. And I say 'Ain't nobody got time for that!' I guess after many relationships that I felt I had to force them to work, I realized that the right person wouldn't need to be fixed or improved.
True. Happened just as you described, in my case. I saw it there even during the honeymoon phase. Thought he has other qualities, a lot of them, for which I admired and loved him. But, I never thought that no matter how much I tried to make him see it and tell him what it does to me and our relationship, he just didn't evolve, not even a bit. Eight years later, even though I was still madly in love with him, that broken communication engulfed our relationship. I lost weight, developed Depression, I gave my all and even more than that to make him see it. But, it only got worse. My behaviour changed so much unknowingly, that by the end I even end up saying mean things to him and called him a dog. I was never an abusive person. I wasn't myself anymore.
I wish I stopped earlier. Two to three years earlier.
I am in therapy. I depleted my energies and then one day I wasn't good enough for him.
@@kusumlata1390 Thanks for sharing. I hope you are in a good spot now. Interesting how long it takes to get away from and recover from that type of situation. Not what we expected.
@@KimberlyLetsGo I feel there are shortcomings in my own personality that kept me from leaving toxic situation sooner. Perhaps, lack of self love and underestimating my own worth.
Dang I've got some growing to do. I'm not a great communicator and knowing it is hard enough. When socially exposed or singled out is when I go into silent mode. When one express what brought on the silence or anger the other act as if your imagining it. Once one act as if nothing happened to bring on the anger or silence, "that's it", I'm so done, and ready to move on without the "mind game". Thanks for the video it sure helps.
I wish I had seen this video earlier, it's given me a lot of insight about my last two relationships. The first guy I was with that gave me the silent treatment went from love bombing to completely ignoring me at school and at work, he never spoke to me and he never broke up with me. He was just dropping me with no explanation. I was truly devastated and confused. It pushed me to a suicidal depression.
And then the most recent guy I was with gave me the silent treatment in a passive aggressive way. The first time he did it felt like I was reliving the devastation from the first guy that did it. But this one eventually started talking to me again, when he did I had to get the explanation out of him and if it wasn't for me asking him I don't think he would have told me anything. He did it a few more times and each time it killed me. I also allowed him to drag me along because I loved him and he felt like home, until he met somebody else. Currently I've cut him off and what I don't understand about myself is why I still want him and why I still feel hopeful about being with him again. It seems like the amount of heartbreak wasn't enough for me to learn. I know I definitely need some therapy to help me work through this. Why would I want someone who purposely gave me the silent treatment? It's such a crappy thing to do to someone.
Because you have low self esteem
Co dependency behaviour
Work on loving yourself and then you won't need him
Dont accept bullshit.
You need to love and work on yourself dear.
Dont accept crap.
Hooe this message finds you
I'm going through the same thing. It's Terrible, I miss him so much but I won't reach out to him. He's the one who ghosted me!!
Thank you for this video!
My teenage daughter used to give me the ‘silent treatment’ which I find emotionally abusive. I spoke to her about it and now if something upsets her that I’ve done or said she tells me she needs a time out…up to a few hours. After she’s had her time, we talk it out and apologise/make up or agree to disagree amicably. Our relationship is so much better now.
This video is exactly what I needed! I'm surrounded by shy people who don't like talking on the phone and are insecure communicators and I feel like we need to build a well of positivity before anything difficult happens but they're giving me nothing to go on and saying they don't like phonecalls. I appreciate the correction of not pressing for specific details from them but suggesting my own that they agree or disagree with to get them to be more communicative. Also I should practice asking more open ended questions like "What are your thoughts on [topic]?" I feel like it's hard to find a good knowledge base of open ended questions to get to know people better and my knowing of people stays too shallow unless they are big talkers, and then they don't know me so well.
My bf does this when he doesn't get his way. He also thinks he has bipolar and claims to not have anything to say when it happens. So it's hard for me to read whether he is punishing me/quietly angry or genuinely depressed...? Drives me nuts and makes me want to leave the relationship. It honestly feels like passive aggression/punishment/manipulation to me. But maybe sometimes it is depression/mood swing. He's in his 30s but behaves like a teenager. It's very frustrating.
I’m the one who goes silent. It’s not because I’m trying to punish my partner by giving the silent treatment, it’s that I end up with 50 thoughts all at once and can’t sort out what I need to say so I freeze. It’s like there is both too much and nothing at all to say. By the time a minute or two go by in silence as I’m trying to get my thoughts organized and what words to use. To break the awkward silence and feeling of pressure I hurry and just say something along the lines of “yep, I agree with what you said and have nothing to add”
Silent treatment is narcissistic behaviour
👍
This.
I don't know about that. If you're the communicator and get ongoing nonsense and foolishness for answers to real concerns I think silent treatment leading to full block is preserving one's own sanity.
not if you got played by a female and embrassed it's ghost town time
Not if you get played by a female and embarrassed it's ghost town time
Get far away from a bully that feels a need to punish you, in any way. Get away as quickly as possible.
Sometime it's a tactics to cause fear and intimidation on the partner especially if they feel they are better than the women they doing this to. A lot of Men uses this to get what they want too. I am a Man and if any Man is like this to you, ladies, run away.
Do you do it as well?
I think different people different coping mechanis. It is especially prominent in men who have seen it modeled to them in childhood. I think that perhaps a time out is a good thing.
But later the person giving silent treatment needs to initiate repair
@Mark Robby - Thank you. Great advice.
@@dj912sent9 ,not all what I mean is that Iknow what Men do being a Man.Myself.I know a bit of Men behaviors.
I'm glad you didn't jump straight into the narcissistic bandwagon that everybody is riding these days. I got caught up in it for a little while myself. But it helped me figure out some of my own and my wife's passive aggressiveness that is causing some problems in my relationship. I like to think we have both come along way once we figure out what we're doing and how it is causing problems for the whole family and teaching our kids bad relationship habits.
Hi Stoney. I'm so glad you and your wife have made progress. That's wonderful. And I have been holding firm on avoiding the narcissistic bandwagon (I love that term, I call it narcissist bashing). I get requests for those videos and it's a hot trend for some reason, but I just don't want to go there.
Good information! As an intervention specialist asking my students guided questions helps them come to the answer on their own, with guidance from me. Yes, this works in personal relations as well. Thanks again for your videos!
That’s great to hear Dennis. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Kelli R. Morris 🤷♂️
Thanks this help a lot because with my depression it’s very hard to talk to people 😍
You're welcome Linda 🙂
How to deal with it : DON’T.
Wow sometimes I don't realize how much your videos apply to my life. The person I'm in a relationship also gives little to no detail in anything. And I would always ask for specific details. But I'll try this method of adding my own details 👍
I quit talking when I feel hatred toward me. In that sense I want to act without hypocrisy ending a relationship that I see already dead.
My mom used to do this to me and then my brother. Thankfully he learned to not do it. My mom could get offended and stopping talking to you for a month. What worked me the best is to ignore it & pretend there's nothing wrong until they finally get to speak again. It truly hurts and you need to cold down as much as possible. I love your channel btw I'm learning a lot! Greetings from Argentina!
Excellent. My mum gave me the silent treatment growing up and I think that contributed to my BPD
Wife of 4 years...
Im 54 and her 45.
She threatens to leave me every couple weeks and then immediately gives me the cold silent treatment. The irony is is I never know when it's going to happen or why it happens. We went to bed this past Saturday night after watching movies, cuddling on the couch, saying goodnight and I love you. The next morning she told me she was leaving. Hasn't spoke to me since. It's wearing me down physically and mentally.
What about when your spouse refuses to acknowledge any responsibility for the conflict and shame/blames you. Silence and withdrawal can be your only refuge. We can't seem to get past this. I'm always the one who is at fault and ends up apologizing regardless. That merely feeds the resentment and makes the next inevitable session worse. I'm not just ready to call it quits, I'm making plans for separation.
it can also be fun to call people out when they're being passive aggressive. just tell them exactly what they're doing to their face and watch them try to squirm and lie and come up with excuses. i'm not a psychiatrist, but I enjoy calling out bullshit
I felt ignored, he is a “bad” communicator. And he’s done silent treatment in the past so I jumped to thinking he was silencing me. Instead I reached out asking about it and he responded. Sometimes your person will need a little push if they internalize relationships more than externally. I now try to remember to prompt him before letting myself get triggered. It’s helped alot
You are very helpful. I have experienced this in the distant past, and it's always good to know how to handle communication issues. They seem to be at the heart of maintaining good relationships.
Yes indeed. Thanks Joe.
Thanks for this video. I have gone through silent treatment. All the other videos will state that the other party is the narcissist. In my case, I think he's not a narcissist. Your video explains a lot!
My mother goes silent when criticised. She's angry, has a mean facial expressions, violent gestures as she's closing/opening doors, drawers etc., but just won't talk. She's 66. When tf is she going to learn? She triggers me so much is insane. I must overcome her triggers and stop giving a s#*t.
watching this in a middle of the silent treatment from my husband, crying while watching. I'm actually doing what you recommended in the video, ignoring and trying to maintain my emotional state, but part of me is dying now and I can't help it
I'm in the middle of this as well from my husband. It is absolute torture. 😢
@@Iheartmehdog *hug*
I highly need this now. Actually looking for a way to know how I can deal with silent treatment then I saw this video. Thank you Dr. Tracey! You help me a lot. Now I know what I should do.
Thank you. This pattern you described is far too familiar. I'm finally realizing that both he and I are just not going to get better, in part, because he just doesn't like me.
😢 My husband gives me the silent treatment and isolates when I disagree over small things. It’s his way of expressing anger. I also deal with depression. He is bipolar and can’t let go of the little things. His treatment of me feels like rejection and wells up old feelings of abuse from family. Right now, he is furious because I asked someone to fix our clothes dryer instead of buying a new one. He is not wanting to speak to me about it. My biggest fear is being left alone, so his actions are very painful. I cried for hours and hours yesterday. So tired of loved ones treating me like the enemy
You are wise
Very clear and well rounded video, meaning plenty of situations are addressed. In my life, the silent treatments from others has felt like "I want you to hurt!" treatment. Perhaps breathing room, cool down period, or just a minute to figure out what is going on inside the silent person is needed. However, continued silence can be a sign of a relationship that needs attention or resolution. I appreciate the informative video. THANK YOU.
Ur explanations are always wonderful
I didn't badger him I simply ask any question, he yelled, I shut down. Never got resolution. Only found out later he was just using me financially and for housing, so the silent treatment was to put me in my place each time. Sent him packing after a year of that crap.
I'm glad you're out of that situation.
@@DrTraceyMarks it's only been a week. Rough on my self esteem.
Gone through same thing...just ask a simple question and rewarded with yelling but can't do much...married with 3 kids.
@@ImmigrationBook You can leave. Plan it all first and save up.
As someone who goes silent when faced with conflict, I'm curious what suggestions you would have for individuals who want to talk but are too anxious to address the issue that caused the withdraw.
(I hope this question makes sense?)
Talk !
@@renaldsunset It’s not so simple as just talking. Anxiety can literally cause me to be completely unable to verbally speak, and I’m betting I’m not the only one here who responds that way. I SO wish I could just speak up. My silence is a trauma response to triggers.
@@Elya08 We all have traumas. At the end of the day you have to be an adult and act accordingly.
I think still communicate that you would need some time yo process your thoughts and can come together at another point to discuss the issue. So the other person has something to work with instead being treated with silent treatment.
@@renaldsunset that’s a really invalidating, dismissive response. It shows a complete unawareness of the neuroscience and psychology of trauma.
Yes, people do need to take charge of their lives and choices…however, it is grossly overly simplistic to state to “be an adult”. The trauma response is the inner child in a triggered state, it does not have access to the prefrontal cortex (to help a person to “act accordingly”)
That’s like me telling an open heart patient that they just need to walk and deep breath to recover…with no assist, no pain meds, nothing. Just “act accordingly”! Nope.
Your pat response shows a lack of awareness of the depth and ramifications of trauma. It shows you have no understanding of the limbic system, specifically the amygdala…and what happens during its hijack.
Your response is like tap dancing on the surface of an iceberg and insisting (arrogantly and ignorantly) that’s all there is. That’s the answer. And you just “know”. No, that’s far from all there is. The depth and complexity of trauma (especially including Dr Gabor Mates definition)…needs much more consideration.
One needs to know how to address the core wounds, conditioning, subconscious programming to heal and be able to “act accordingly”. A person can’t simply will themselves to do so. The conscious mind is responsible for approximately 5% of human behaviors…the other 95% is run by the subconscious. If that’s not addressed, true, lasting change can’t occur.
By your tone and dismissiveness….did you happen to have childhood neglect? Do you know your attachment style? It seems you profoundly lack empathy, emotional intelligence. It would behoove you to develop introspection and metacognition…and work on your issues, over invalidating others.
Wao this is just so beautiful to see that there are women out there doing wonderful work like this.
My past 2 relationships weighed very heavy on my mind and consciousness and I can recall a lot of things that u have said in this video.
It's hard not beeing able to connect with someone else,
But it's even harder not physically and mentally beeing able to while being aware of, that it is not only a problem for your relationship but more of a personal one
The way my past relationships pushed me to talk and open up, I felt like it was more of a punishment than a genuine heart to heart talk and for someone that finds it difficult to open up from time to time, it just made it harder for me to open up in other aspects of my life (like family or friends) guiding me at the end of it all through years of depression and questioning, what is actually wrong with me.
I hate silence treatment - it shows your partner is a emotional manipulator and you are his or her prey. I walked away immediately to finish my last relationship once I identified her toxic behavior.
Well, my sister has been giving me the silent treatment, I'Ve being trying to remain unfazed but it's been two years...
Just started dating this guy,and noticed he's bad at communication.I've been trying to talk to him about our relationship and in the end got mad and gave me the silent treatment.This is really painful.Thank you for this information
I thought I ran away from the relationship too soon but the comments reminded me that I did the right thing. In the span of 2 weeks, my spouse went silent 3 times on issues that were unknown to me (which made it most frustrating). I had to end it because that couldn’t be the life for me.
I love you! I have a therapist but you just put things in a certain perspective and I thank you for that!
Gosh I dated a few guys were like that, if they were not happy they were silent and I didnt know what went wrong! I hate to deal people like that, I need to be careless for these people 😡
My roommate is currently giving me the silent treatment. We have opposite schedules and hardly see each other, so we'd often text instead, but she kept leaving me on read. It's been two weeks now, she's only texted back to say she couldn't talk twice after I asked her if she could, and twice to complain about little things. then ignored me again. One the 3rd/4th day I had texted her I didn't appreciate being given the silent treatment and it was childish, and if she could please let me know what's up, and now I texted her that the ball is in her court. We were so chill before and I had tickets for us to go to a concert in less than two weeks and she won't even tell me if she wants me to give her money back for her ticket, so I don't even know if I should ask someone else to go.
Saaaame. My roommate is currently not talking to me, after I chose to sit next to my boyfriend (who was saving me a seat) at a concert instead of her. I cannot tell if she needs space or is giving the silent treatment. She claims she wants people to reach out to her "to show that they care" but I've apologized over text, in person, and tried to talk to her with both mediums of communication. Nothing. It's great 🙃🙃🙃 Especially because she claims to love me sooo much and that I'm her best friend and that she'll never leave me. Like you and your roommate, we were so chill just a few days ago. Anyways, sorry for venting. I hope things with your roommate have gotten better
That’s what I do.. I go silence because I need mental silence and so i don’t want my mouth to say things that I may regret and to honestly be left alone so I can get myself together
Same. I don't understand why this has to mean that you are a narcissist.....
It's easy to over-generalize and say that anyone that needs to retreat into quiet is a narcissist. I think that depends on the intent behind the silence. If you need to have a period of alone time to get control of your feelings and do so because you know you can say hurtful things if you don't, that's the opposite of narcissism since you are aware that you can do this (that it's a problem you have... A narcissist feels they have no problems at all, it's everyone else who's at fault). You don't want to hurt the other because they don't deserve it.
I don't know if you do this but maybe try telling them that you need some quiet time to pull yourself together and that you will continue the conversation once you do, that this need is not a reflection on them, and that you love them (or some other reassurance that you care about them appropriate to the type of relationship). Just make sure you are true to your word about coming back and continuing the discussion. And make sure you are open to hearing and do your best to honor what they need in terms of support when you are having a difficult conversation.
Just my thoughts, hopefully there's something helpful in there.
@Gordianus The Finder
I have tried that. I have been pushed away physically from leaving, he even got in my face and even chased me many times because I just needed time to think to diffuse the situation and let the conversation begin on a healthier note. I was in a very emotional abuse and damned near physically abusive relationship. I didn't want to fight or argue anymore and leaving to cool down wasn't an option so I chose to be silent because that was all I could do. There was no room for me to be heard or understood.
Perfect timing!
👍🏼😊
Dr. Marks very much, in my opinion, owned this question SOOO hard. I love it! You are awesome. Killin' it 😎
If someone blew up on me when I am trying to communicate, that's the last time they will see me. Emotional intelligence, clear communication and self awareness are top tier for me. I must admit when I was younger I would shut down, but after much time working on myself I am now someone who needs to voice my concerns and I am an open receptor when my partner needs to voice theirs.
This was so good. It makes since and also gives insight on how to better work with people who have poor communication issues. (Even including myself ) I have been on both sides of this spectrum (not as extreme as some though lol). For me, I need time to process responses sometimes, so I will get quiet or withdraw until I get my thoughts together and sometimes that doesn't sit well with people, but I am getting better. But I will also withdraw if I feel attacked or that someone is verbally abusive, and then yes, I will give the silent treatment, but it's only because I want things to cool down before we talk. But yeah, this video still helps.
My boyfriend continuously shut down. He never had any genuine intentions of continuing that conversation, these same ones so it just kept repeating but also piling new ones on top.
He can't talk he has to go. I'm not dealing with it. It would be a different story if he actually showed he would continue. That compound effect ISN'T A DAMN joke.
Edit: I left him awhile ago. I was referring to him in present. Looks like I'm unconsciously not over him. No wonder I still have these annoying feelings despite wanting him gone.
Four months in she already has to deal on her own? That's not a good way to start out in a relationship! If she tries what you say and he keeps giving her this treatment, it's time for her to move ON!!
Good points. 🙂
She never said the he gives her the silent treatment, she said that she goes silent. @Dr. Tracey Marks, can you talk about that?
I'm a poor communicator, but I wish I wasn't. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, C-PTSD, and I almost have ASD (I have no troubles seeing emotions in others or understanding idioms, but I have almost every other Aspergers symptom to some degree). I have little trouble with factual details and I can write emotion-based descriptions for fictional characters, but I completely choke whenever it's about me in an abstract way. It's like trying to speak an entirely different language for me; it's awkward and I never know if the other person is truly understanding what I do say.
Those prompting questions you mentioned in the video are my biggest choke-points. 'How do I feel about that?' I can't identify a specific feeling. 'What are your thoughts about that?' I don't even know how to answer that. How do I get better if my main choke-points are the only suggestions I can find? I literally draw a complete blank when faced with such questions.
Grand information as usual Ms Marks
I really enjoy these self improvement videos.
How come anger and sexual arousal are the only emotions many men want to express? it is so exhausting to have to try to pull information out of a person that chooses not to open up but then those same man that chose not to open up to you disrespected your relationship because of the emotions he refused to talk about when you asked......
Wow, so
That’s what this is.
I know it, all too well, but it’s just SOO useful having someone explain it out.
Thanks!
I don’t know if it’s technically the same thing, but I got “put in the corner” as a kid a bunch. I would just have to guess what I “did wrong” and somehow have to apologize for it without any feedback from my parents. Wonder if you have something like that in the other 10 toxic traits videos.
I've never been in a relationship but I've had times where I've kind of shut down and been very reserved with my words it's never out of malice to family or anyone in general i've just had difficulties expressing myself when I was younger and seeing the relationship my parents had which was non-existent kind of hurt my social skills and I wasn't always aware of what a healthy Communication in a relationship looked like. But I'm in therapy and I've been practicing how to communicate better over the years and hopefully I'll get better someday.
There is a difference between the silent treatment and simply shutting down. If you really are just shutting down I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself. I experienced a relationship where I was given the silent treatment to a high degree, and truthfully it would have meant everything to me if he would have just said something along the lines of "I don't know what to say" or "I don't feel comfortable talking about this". I think if you are able to communicate that much you can rest a little more easy and be patient with yourself.
The SILENT TREATMENT is used as a PUNISHMENT or a MEANS to get something out if you. Oh he is slick and all over the place.
My brother does that. He sucks you in then intentionally sets you up. He is a mess and exhausting.
I’m so sad 😞 my 15 years of marriage we have always had the silent treatment): it use to be 3 days, then 1 week, then once a month, currently it’s 3-4 months at a time💔
I have two small baby and I’m positive Im insecure and depressed ): we never talk about are problem when we are good we just brush it off. personally I let it go because it’s so heavy and draining. idk what to do, then to just watch all these types of video to get courage to stand up for myself and stop convincing myself im a super mom because I’m doing everything for my kids 💔😞
Same here...3 kids
It is a reason for break up. One of my exes was similar like in example. Only he was silent whenever I wanted to talk about intimacy issues. In the end I became very frustrated, my needs weren't met and I felt like he doesn't want to do anything that will make things work. I broke up with him in the end.
I really like her man!!!! She is a breath of fresh air that I didn’t know I needed!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!
Dr Marks you are a treasure! Thank you so much for this.
You're welcome Kathleen and thank you!
I love you Doc! Idk you, but I love you, lol! I knew that word covert was going to come up in some way. My first thought, while you were reading the question, made me think 'narcissist'!! Omg, I'm praying.... That's a bad situation that only God can handle. They rarely change their ways.
Thanks doc...But to me,Its really hard to manage a relationship while on depression because most of the time I don't have the energy or the will to even talk things over.
That makes sense. But keep in mind what you’re describing is different from being able to talk but deliberately holding back because you know it hurts the person.
I silent treatment because I don't want to be rude when I'm mad. I want to calm down before I talk about it. So in those cases I guess I should explain that instead of just not speaking as much as I would when I'm calm.
Wow amazing video and amazing play through! This was so insightful!