This is horrible advice. Any psychiatrist or just licensed therapist who understands personality disorders, particularly those who are specialist with narcissism and narcissistic abuse, will tell you that if you are dealing with a pathological or malignant narcissist, ONE SHOULD GO NO CONTACT AND NOT ENGAGE BECAUSE IT’S FUTILE. This video and its seemingly kind, well-intentioned, though uneducated fairy, is promoting what could turn into horror and doing so is reckless.
@@JL-re1rx you obviously didn't listen to the whole video. This is not a Narcissist video in the slightest. My suggestion is that you listen to it over again.
My mother used to do the silent treatment on me as a child, absolute freeze-out for what felt like days. It all but killed me inside, when I was so small I could only reach up to the hem of her skirt. I didn't start healing until I was 48, through Buddhist mantra and meditation. Those things really worked for me.
same - my mother was always distracted - disconnected - my father did the silent treatment - and she would be forced to - as a punishment if i didn't behave- half the time i didn't know why. thank you for sharing.
Sugar free, I went thru same thing. I was 12 at 1st silent treatment, until I moved out, age 23. The silence did continue for at least a week, each time. I would cry myself to sleep each night, I felt she hated me.
When I get triggered (shocked by someone else’s words or behavior) and go on silent mode, it’s never to get back at the other person. It is always to collect myself, to check what just happened, add to figure out how I’m going to handle myself. All of this internal talk results in silence on the outside.
@@adrianneroubidoux1333 Same -- I stopped feeling that way when I left employers who didn't have my best interest and it has been good for me to work solo--and gain the confidence I need to ensure I never end up in places that are not healthy for me.
You have a most gentle and straightforward way of encouraging trauma survivors to use effective communication, to monitor their own reactions, and in essence not to “spread” their trauma around. I believe this is a much-needed message. Thank you.
My darling poodle/bichon cross is the ideal partner.... but he's getting on and I will probably outlive him. I hope to find a reasonably healthy human partner (and be healthy in relationship myself) before the curtain falls.
you sound like me. Yes our four footed animals are truly so benevolent and loving. I surround myself with my pets and watch movies and rest.. I love it!!! It is safer than most humans nowadays!
When I get quiet, it is usually because I have mentioned it several times before, then become afraid to say anything again for fear of abandonment (that they won't hang in there with me as I try to push through). It is so painful because being silent is opposite of what I want to do. Instead, I want them to want me enough to understand so I feel reassured.
So similar to what I’ve done. I’m afraid to speak up so I go quiet and try to shove down my emotions. Problem is, it shows all over my face. My ex-husband would ignore my “mood” and that would upset me more. But we never ‘fought’. So messed up.
@@ginam3379, I hear you and can understand how that would be doubly hurtful. I am going through this with a friend right now, actually I believe we are now ex-friends. Because, I spoke up and was courageous with my fear, asking respectfully in what I needed, and they are just quiet and are responding superficially behind the shield of texts, which I would wait days for. Yesterday, I finally advised them by text, that during this time, I am not available by texts and they knew how to reach me otherwise (phone, video chat, etc). Truth is they likely won't exercise any of those options. They wanted me to die in the sword and quit because they didn't have the courage to speak their truth. I didn't take the bait so now they are stonewalling and deflecting. It has been a very painful process. I am a communicator (and, pretty good and level-headed one, at that). People always say I am honest and direct. This has been a TRUE challenge for me with them being quiet and just acting like my question is a statement that needs no reply by them. I told them that it feels like they are quiet-quitting the friendship. Of course, they denied it. It is true though. I am proud of myself by declaring I am not available for texts currently. I couldn't take that anymore. Waiting and waiting for crumbs. I am not a teenager and I deserve adult, healthy friendships. Peace to you as we both journey through this. The pain is there, but love is NOT supposed to hurt and it takes two to make a relationship.
My former best friend did the silent treatment to me when she got angry. I finally ended our 20+ year friendship because it helped me realize how cruel and manipulative she could be.
I love how you approach this from the premise that people do not necessarily use the silent treatment to abuse and control... but some do that. I have been harmed by the silent treatment very much by abusive, controlling people.. There is a definate difference between time out and the evil silent treatment. When I see anyone using that on me now... zoom..... beep beep, road runner speed I am out of there. done. I do not do nor accept the silent treatment. Solutions oriented authentic people do not use the silent treatment.. a time out maybe; which is a very different thing.
I have used the silence as a way to work through the triggers. I have many triggers and I don't want to take anything, out on my partner, but I need the break, the silence, sometimes I have to isolate. I tell my partner I'm having problems right now.......... disregulated....... need time to work through this, talk to myself rationally so I don't blame others. Sometimes my partner keeps at me to talk, work it out, etc. I tell him to leave me alone......... I'm not mad at you, but I can't talk now.................. he's gotten better, but he's been persistent, until I have no where to go, no peace, no respite, no safe place. He hasn't liked the response.................. but he's realized I truly need the space............ it's not him.......... and it is truly important to let me be.
Way to keep on persisting for a pause/ time out. It gives your Body Mind and Spirit a healthy balance/break vs giving into someone else's needs. Proud of you for taking care of Your Own emotional needs😇
I admit I do this, even as I write this I’m in the midst of giving my older sister the silent treatment because she said something really hurtful to me, that I’ve previously told her I didn’t like. I go silent as a way to not argue and also, as a way to defend myself from her. I really want to get better and communicate more, but it’s very challenging when you’re in an environment where you don’t necessarily feel respected. Thank you for sharing this video, it really means a lot. I really do want to build better healthier relationships, especially with my family
I used to get into that default setting too- thinking I was using the time to contemplate, finding the perfect way to address it because I didn’t want the situation to go left… Sounded like we must be in the better-bigger-person-place doesn’t it! Then I realized, all that ick was wrapped by many tentacles of control, I wasn’t confident in my ability to speak my mind, spent more time than my Sis did thinking about it, and in the end, it’s fear of the WCS sitting in the drivers seat - You get/hit ZERO points for that. No matter how it’s sliced - it’s all a nice blend of passive aggressive, fearful, and conflict avoidant behavior… we can’t control our sister’s behavior/response or be in that woo-hoo “ respectful environment “ we deserve and this kind of thing with her has & will likely happen over /over - so flip this script ->stop swallowing the poop sandwiches & be more willing to take a proactive role on your own behalf sooner ,roll up your sleeves & step into your power.
If you already told her then I'm not sure it's as much on you to keep talking. It's on her for continuing to violate your boundary. Up to you to figure out if you can or will continue to accept being treated in a disrespectful manner :)
When I was younger and something bad happened to me I would feel devastated and unable to function, so I shut down in order to internalise what had happened and how I could cope in order to move on. Yes, I gave the silent treatment but it was not malicious, just a means of survival and I often wouln't be able to communicate for the rest of the day. I have improved over the years. It is reassuring to find out it isn't just me who is affected.
Had a dad who used the silent treatment as punishment for days at a time. To communicate would say to my mother in front of me , "tell your daughter" and would complete the sentence with whatever he wanted to indirectly communicate to me. Such a relaxing home. Ive fought this kind of communication style in relationships all my life.
What strikes me most about this letter is the profound humility and self-awareness this letter writer exhibits. In my experience, people who regularly practice tye silent treatment are not very capable of this kind of introspection. So impressive that he is ready to look at himself and grow.
O.M.G. this line " "Punish them, let me show them how it feels!! they'll feel sorry" THAT'S THE TRAUMA TALKING!!" .... and how we are at our worst behaviour when dysregulated... I haven't taken a course yet, but filling my notebook with your videos, my own introspection... I have even come out and apologized and recognized out loud my past toxicity and the impact on my close relatives and friends... it's like being possessed by a demon really. But back to this quote up there? what a breakthrough, feelign seen and called out, and realizing what was really going on inside of me. I am floored and grateful by the simple statement of where it all came from, really. I am so so very glad to have found you and your channel, I can't wait for the next plateau of actually connecting better and loving again but there is still quite a journey I think :,)
Thank you so much for addressing this, Anna. I love your content. People love to insist that the silent treatment is a conscious manipulation tactic, and there is some level of punishment there, but for me it was more about intense fear. Growing up, I was often belittled, slapped, or hit for speaking about my needs or feelings or giving an opinion on anything, with the admonishment that "Children should be seen and not heard!" So speaking up to a romantic partner about an issue that was bothering me was unimaginable--sheer terror kept me from speaking at all. Thankfully I've gotten much better at it and am currently with a wonderful, patient, loving partner and we're working on this together. Thank you for all you do.
I hear you, fear can make it incredibly difficult to speak up and advocate for oneself. I'm so glad you've been able to break through some of that fear and have found a caring partner, you deserve that! -Calista@TeamFairy
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book that helped me called, “Healing the Shame You don’t deserve” He helps to pull apart what is our responsibility and what is not. It seems to go right along with what you are discussing.
Your writer sounds like he has done some serious soul searching and he should be blessed. “Couples need to talk to each other in order to maintain the relationship”. Yes!
I think it's high time now we should make an underground pit with a toilet ,a light a fan . Some food items alarm bells and snakes and dogs . Where such silent treatment people should be dropped for months minus communication only a speaker and a hidden mic a Camera for the cell . Should be made in order to punish such people and law should rob off their assets to distribute among source and children . Check for traits and do it .enough is enough . Shame money everything gone they r no more than a street begger rest of their lives . Bring a law like this .
Yes, I have a tendency to withdraw, often this is with friends. My triggers are 'exclusion' if I don't get invited to something I back off. Partly I do it for the reason you describe, Anna, rather that confront people with tears, anger, a dramatic meltdown. But I have lost a lot of friends this way and, ironically, I feel very alone and very isolated.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am finding it enormously useful Anna. I just regret wasting so much of my life getting triggered and engaging in this unhelpful behaviour.
You may have been right to back off in this case. If you keep not getting invited to stuff or being excluded, it's time to let these people go and focus ahead to better terrain, people you do connect with who want to include you. You are worthy of this.
I totally agree with Moon's comment. This is when I journal to God and seek His Guidance/ Holy Spirit Whispers as whether to continue the relationship or Let It Go and know a better one is waiting to enter your life🥰
May i also add, that until recently i felt 'subjected' to this dysregulation, i was overwhelmed and possesed by it, almost like my body was a tool by what i called "my dark brain". It took over. And now, thanks to you, and my burnout saying ENOUGH, it feels really GOOD to be on a path to own all of it up again, it's intense and heartbreaking and NOT EASY or a given, but i do feel happy to be me, find my voice again, it's never too late, people! Forgive yourself for having let yourself down, and be happy to reconnect with yourself.
Unfortunately I had a therapist who did this to me and it was devastating. On so many levels I will not mention it right now. I was very raw and still healing from deep work. Very dysfunctional. Shocking really. I pray for her. It was a horrible rollercoaster put over the edge at the end.
I've just got been diagnosed with cptsd. About 1 week back. And even though these videos have been a big help. All this information can be overwhelming too. But 8 out of 10 things are true about me. Shit... I cannot believe I'm 47 years. And did not know any of this. It's stressful as well as relief at the same time. I always knew I was different from others. But could never understand how. Now I know exactly how.
Searingly honest letter which shows real self-awareness. I think it can be useful to remember that, at times, we all feel 'broken, messy or damaged goods'. I think it's a part of the human condition - we just think everyone else has their 'stuff' together, and it's just us that hasn't. The truth is, these feelings are much more universal than we might think.
The opposite of silent treatment is harassment. Some people think they are entitled to you 24/7, will not stop calling/texting and expect immediate replies even when i've stated a million times i'm busy. So no thanks, i'm not a slave to my phone. If they want to interpret my lack of immediate response as silent treatment that's their problem.
My neighbor was like that always inviting me over every day and she even came over and took my dog to her house so I would come over. I have tried to be polite and patient by telling her I’m busy right now but she seems impatient and I think she’s lonely. When she took my dog off my porch that irritated me so when I went to get my pet back I talked about Jesus the entire time and now she gives me the silent treatment. Praise Jesus high five!
It's complex. We probably were given the silent treatment by a parent. We also learned to stuff it when we were attacked by our parents to avoid more severe retribution.
I was ghosted by my best friend. Talk about the silent treatment! I know it is not exactly the same. The shame spiral... now three years after this happened, is finally lessening. I work hard to stay only in the present. But wow, talk about rejection and fear of abandonment coming to its highest fruition. Since watching these videos I realize (well I knew but I wasn't sure what I could do) I realized that I kept this person in my life, and OTHERS, far longer than I should have. The red flags were there. I am now in the isolation phase I admit. I hope I will grow beyond this and also get some super people in my life too. PS I love the "tools" It has inspired me to find a comfy blanket for the living room that will help me "self hug" since I lack people touch. Great stuff Anna !!!
I just want to comment and say that I know exactly how you feel; in fact, going through a very intense spiritual journey the past 4 months, I realized this ghosting/abandonment issue is the part I needed to heal the most. I stumbled upon a post regarding ghosting- that ghosting has really nothing to do with our worthiness and everything to do with the other parties own unhealed wounds and lack of emotional maturity. This personally gave me a completely different perspective on all of my experiences. Its definitely still a painful topic, but it shows how deeply wounded our society is these days 💔
I often retreat to my room and lock the door when other people are yelling. I’m not intending to “give the silent treatment” and I’m pretty sure everyone knows why I’m upset, but I’m not willing to allow others to scream at me. I also sometimes retreat when we have gone in circles a hundred times and I’m just so exhausted and we need to just “agree to disagree” (in my opinion) but they are usually not ok with agreeing to disagree.
Leaving the situation because it is going nowhere is a good idea, doesn't qualify as "silent treatment" which is not communicated as taking space. -Cara@TeamFairy
It's best to go no contact after an exit plan in place . For your peace of mind else will be stuck up for them the whole life . No need to disclose anything just one fine day walk to a grocery store and judt disapear for entire life . These r people with no emotions . All bully Just calm down and leave them . Thinking they passed away in covid .
My ex and I both have cptsd and she hasn't responded to any of my attempts to reconcile. It feels like both of the worst aspects of abandonment fears and silent treatment coming together, but it's good to know that it's coming from a place of trauma for both of us. Neither of us are trying to hurt the other.
Thank you. Perfect timing. I’m currently without a home (18 months now), 5 weeks into CPT, topical chemo for precancer, unmanageable ADHD, my daughter “took a break from me” in November. I’m seeking support from an acute care social rehab facility bc I’m exhausted and need help. In the past, they have seen my disregulation as bad behavior, even when I’m screaming’these are symptoms!’ They only hear screaming. Now that I’m faced with needing their support, my inclination is to ‘not say anything...’ I’ve only been to the referring crisis agency once and witnessed a violent assault while there so I’m already triggered just thinking about asking for help. I can’t white knuckle this anymore. Thank you for your candor.✨✌🏽♥️
The one thing you don't share about shame is that it also comes from things happing to you. Let's uses sexual abuse for instance. This is shame because you feel like you did something wrong. You feel dirty and bad. Guilt you did something bad. Shame is you are bad. Shame causes you to hide. The example I used is a real one for me. I dealt with more than this in my childhood. Now about this subject. I have a problem with being passive aggressive. Being silent kept me safe as a child... Stay under the radar. I gain a lot of reasons to stay silent.
sorry that happened to you .. but .. youre an Adult now .. and responsible for all you do no matter what happened to you in the past .. I could giv you a grocery list of things that happened to me .. but once I turned 18 .. I was freeeeee however ! Everything I did from then on was MY Responsibility .. gl !
@@BEAUTYnIQ trama based reaction thinking is not beholder fault. Trying to find a safe person to help heal can be a challenge...crappy childhood fair on you tube shares lots of healing actions ..so worth it. Joy practitioner on fb also helps move others forward.
That “I'll show you” was my default internal reaction growing up. It made me act out, run away or plan suicide(s). Just realized now that was me just wanting to hurt them back, maybe even more than I wanted to get away, feel better and/or protect myself. Wow
I often get extremely defensive whenever I am confronted with anything at all by anyone. I always try to have the best intentions with other people so its painful when I am confronted by it. However, since going through a similar experience of loosing someone I love because of my own manipulative/ damaging behaviour. I realised that just because I feel hurt and Im not trying to hurt people doesn't make it any less manipulative or damaging to other people. I lack communication skills and completely panic when anything is addressed so it's like my brain shuts down and I go silent aka the silent treatment. I am not trying to punish the person at all. I am trying to stay away because that voice inside my head always tells me thats the best thing to do. Since it triggers my abandonment issues. Its difficult to explain and gain understanding because this is really unfair way to react to someone who wants my understanding/ accountability. I am feeling a lot of guilt/ shame/ regret for being in pain and passing that on to other people that I truly love. I also go silent if I am hurt by something someone does to me. Instead of going to the person i just disappear from their life so Im working on that too. For a long time i used to blame everyone else for my relationship/ friendship issues but now I realise its me all along who is the toxic person! Im just lucky I am not blind to it anymore and I can work on it. Thank you so much Im so happy I found your videos. I really lost hope when these first realisations happened.
I grew up with the silent treatment from mother. As a young teenager we didn’t speak to one another for months. I finally asked her for a truce. Years latter I married a man who used the silent treatment too. I’d fake illness to get him back to “normal”. In my latter years I stopped the manipulation
Since coming across your channel less than a week ago I have learned more about myself than I did in many previous therapy sessions. I can so relate to Bob in this letter, my boyfriend of 6 years hasn't left me yet but is not sure he can continue with the relationship due to my dysregulated behavior and the damage it has done to trust and connection. I am trying to not beat myself up but its hard because shame and self hatred is my default. Now I am struggling with intense fears of rejection and abandonment. Thank you for this video I so needed to hear it right now.
Thank you ❤ I felt like the other advice I've found has described the silent treatment as "toxic" and "narcissistic" behavior. I was feeling really crappy about myself, but I feel like you shed some compassion on the subject from a different point of view. I appreciate it so much
Anna, you are so wise, compassionate, and down to earth. Your work is a gift. Truly. Thank you. I have heard that stonewalling is one of the cruelest forms of emotional abuse. What you imply when you refuse to respond is that the other person just doesn't exist. It suggests contempt and dismissal, which is indeed akin to violence, especially towards a "loved one". It is the opposite of loving.
This is actually quite relevant to us situation I am in with my son. I am 45 and have CPTSD and due to a time I was away my children lived with her father and her stepmother. During that time their father and stepmother did traumatize them and now my son displays all the markers of having CPTSD but is just so resistant on getting any help and is in an internal negative loop of depression, negative self image and low self esteem. I’ve been trying to teach him how to drive and he had a horrible meltdown started yelling at me pulled over to the side of the road got out of the car and started walking on the highway. I brought him back to his house and have barely spoken to him since I don’t know what to say that won’t be reactive from my trauma without making the situation worse for him because he also has the same condition. After watching your video I’m gonna take some more time and then reach out to him calmly and hopefully it’ll open up communication. Thank you so much for your videos ❤️
My ex had a dismissive avoidant attachment style and he froze inside his own head for a whole day after any conversation that triggered him, leaving me alone in silence. At first I just let it happen and waited for him to come to me. He didn't. I ended up always being the one who had to rescue things. When I expressed to him how much that behavior hurt me, he said he was "only giving ME space". I proceeded to explain to him how I did NOT need any space at all, it was he who needed space (obviously, he was projecting/blaming/not assuming responsibility). And I told him I was tired of being the rescuer and that I wished he could meet me halfway. He heard this. But invariably he defaulted to "giving me space" after any sort of conversation that was not pleasant to him, and he never came to me afterwards. Exhausting, and I felt so alone within the relationship.
It might or might not be true that the silent treatment is as bad as blowing up. But the feeling, true or not, is that the silent treatment can be controlled. Whereas blowing up feels like losing all control. Once that lid blows off it can’t be put back in until the pressure has expended itself.
Just weighing in from experience with receiving both. Either is harmful if handled poorly. Blowing up, can lead to saying things, either unmeant or in a hurtful way, which you will need to track and address if you want the relationship to be one of mutual support and transparency. Given the channel, I'm assuming we do haha Giving the silent treatment usually starts with some form of partial signal and then nothing. The receiver is then left in a vacuum of information. "Nature abhors a vacuum", and so do emotions. Either way leaves wounds that need healed for the relationship to continue to grow. The advantage of the blow up method, is that you know which wounds were created. You were there. You might be surprised by which are deeper than others, but you won't be surprised by the wounds. If you've shoved them into an emotional vacuum for xx amount of time, you don't get to see what the wounds are. Maybe you address all of them when you are ready to end the silent treatment, but the odds are better that you don't even know what hurts they've suffered. Every relationship is made up of two imperfect people rubbing old wounds together, so which method works best is probably case by case. Those are just the dangers on the road I've seen.
I needed to hear this. I also struggle with using the silent treatment against loved ones and it always feels like it’s out of my control in the moment. I feel so ashamed afterward. Anna, thank you for giving me strategies to start dealing with this.
1st letter: Great letter. Good questions. It is very difficult to change something like that, because the rejections from childhood is there in the base of everything.. But, You are on the right path! Thank You for sharing this.
What a wonderfully honest and self reflective letter from Bob. Thank you Bob, that took courage and your letter will help others. Yes shutting down for someone with cptsd is an adaptive coping mechanism when feeling stressed or overwhelmed and the tools mentioned here are great, thank you Anna. What I would add though is that while responsibility for learning different strategies is necessary by the one shutting down, there are of course two people in a relationship. Sometimes I feel listening to these videos that the person with cptsd is given all the weight and accountability to carry for outcomes such as these, when the behaviour of the other person in the relationship also plays a factor in this dynamic. For example, do they approach their partner with a softened start up, refraining from harsh criticism or shouting? All things which can be triggers for someone with cptsd. Are they coming from a place of love? A conflict resolution scenario involves the work of two people not one, including the negotiation together of what reassurance looks like for each other at these challenging times.
This is such helpful advice. I have alienated two 'friends' who assume they can talk endlessly about their issues/problems/family news. On a few occasions, I've exploded in frustration when I have not been 'allowed' to speak/interrupt. I've been labelled as having a 'hair-trigger temper'. That may be true but I've felt so helpless to know how to butt in before!! I feel totally overwhelmed. Have chosen to distance myself from these two people since they seem unwilling to give me space. I realize I am 'triggered' when I feel like the Child who had to remain silent 'or else'. Your support in finding a real, solid way of dealing with emotional overwhelm is just what I've needed. Request a break for a specific time. Wash my hands. Hug myself. Wow!! This is so helpful. Thank you so much!!
I just ended the silent treatment with my daughter because of this video. I was so angry and upset i couldn't speak as i knew i'd say thing's i'd regret. I've told her i need time and space to process my thoughts and feelings. She respected that so i assume that's better than me stonewalling her.
As the youngest child (by seven years) I found the silent treatment an effective weapon. It is difficult to give up something that feels like it gives so much control.
The key is letting them know you are talking a break or need a break, that is if they are people that deserve to be in your life and who you still want to keep in your life.
I can't believe how spot on the things you say are. I must be a member of the intended audience. I didn't know I'd had trauma in my childhood. It must be really spread out, but I can see it when I look more closely. A lot of little things that add up to a big thing. Thee WAS abandonment, there was bullying, there were put downs, shaming, neglect, and stonewalling... I knew I had self esteem issues, and I knew where it came from, but I didn't know it was that bad.
Please try it with purpose. I always poo pooed it... But, after a type of emotional breakdown coming to a head of decades of CPTSD, this channel, this woman helped me to overcome the trauma... Finally a workable solution to my horrific years of self torture.... I'm finally free for the first time in my life. Do it now..... This lady/channel has helped me with every issue I had like no other therapists, books, friends, partners ever had. Love her. She knows how to move forward practically ..(tools) & not look back. Live, don't just survive. It's been life changing for me.
This helps me understand why my dear friend of 20 years has been giving me the silent treatment for 2 months since I gently reminded her of a boundary and asked for communication about it. It doesn't help me figure out how to respond. I'm just waiting for her to move out because I feel she is throwing away our friendship. If all I say is "hi" she gets flustered and runs to her room.
I can not tell you enough how grateful I am for your videos. I never even realised that my coping skills were all bonkers and bad for relationships. I thought most people are just like me. This helps so much
I also find it helps if I tell the other person, "I'm struggling right now and want to collect my thoughts so I don't say something I'll regret. I am NOT avoiding this conversation, but I'm going to go for a walk and I will be back in x (insert time usually half hour or 1 hour max.) to have the conversation." I go for a walk and calm down, think about why I'm upset or triggered and come back. Usually I'm able to explain why I was upset or triggered, and have the conversation in a mature way.
Oh I've got to try this. I don't necessarily give the silent treatment, but I have found myself going silent when I don't know what to say or better yet how to say what I'm thinking or feeling.
What about giving the silent treatment to avoid a highly narcissistic family, going "no contact" as they call it. That's what I've been doing to try so hard to heal from years and years of emotional abuse. I have no energy in my spirit to engage with them yet i know I"m hurting them by not speaking to them. It's awful. I don't miss my siblings nor my mother but I do miss my nieces and nephews who are innocent in all of this. I send them holiday cards and little treats to let them know that I"m thinking about them and that I love them but I"m sure this confuses them. In the meantime I get calls and texts from my mother shaming me and telling me my behavior is unacceptable blah blah. I find myself not even listening to her voicemails for months at a time because I can't deal with the pain.
All cases are different, the thing that is the same is we need a practice to deal with the pain. We recommend this: ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html -Cara@TeamFairy
Zoey starlight I learnt in my therapy that we don’t deserve to be treated the way your mother is treating you even if they are family it doesn’t give them the right to be nasty to us even if they are blood I was told it’s ok to move yourself away from toxic people until they decide to treat us better your change there ways don’t feel guilty your doing the right thing and sending your niece and Nephew stuff it so kind and they will remember this your mother is not facing up to the way she has treated you and trying to past her issue over to you until she faces her issuer the best thing for you is to stay away it’s not giving them the silent treatment it’s protecting yourself from further abuse which we all have a right to do x
@@zoeystarlight613 your welcome I’ve learnt this past 2 years I would just be quite when my mother said nasty things in the past and just take it even my older children have tried to control me my therapy taught me it doesn’t matter if these people are your family don’t put up with it I just thought I had to because family was important to me but threat was due to my non self worth as a child being brought up this way and now I realise I’m still human I’m still a person I maybe there daughter of mother but I still deserve respect and if they can’t do that then please stay out of my life until you learn to respect my wishes it’s called boundaries and self worth ❤️🙏🏻
Taking a walk is also helpful. Dancing is even better. I don’t know if Bob can be more adventurous to learning to dance. Movement is good when we feel disregulated. Better yet, just make any silly movements. Play a good song and go for it. You don’t need training to move your body! You will feel better afterwards.
Thank you so much for this video Anna. I've been gradually coming to terms with the loss of my sister relationship, whom I've always struggled with codependency towards, after taking the risk to express genuine hurt by a mistake she made. We both suffer from CPTSD and I realised quickly that it must have slashed open her shame wounds, but it was the final straw for me attempting to have an equal-footed relationship with her in which I can be authentic, honest and vulnerable. "The silent treatment is just as aggressive as yelling" has almost become a grounding mantra for me when I find myself getting dysregulated and ashamed for being treated as though I do not even exist for trying to share pain and ask for some understanding and compassion. It really did drive me crazy for many weeks, but I've finally decided to meet her where she's at (not with blocking or deliberate silence), but just detaching and moving on. Thanks again.
I believe that for those of us with autistic like tendencies, sometimes some longer breaks help us to process. I never intent to hurt someone else, but I have a need to figure out what is going on- since I had so much manipulation in my childhood. I usually sort through it through writing and prayer and figure it out. Then, I can either come back to the relationship or decide that I need to make some changes in how I show up.
@@TerriMagoo it can be used as an abuse tactic, but some people use it to protect those they love. With maturity and effort, people with CPTSD (complex PTSD) can learn to not lash out when feeling afraid and instead of the silent treatment they can establish with a party that they aren’t feeling balanced and need some time to recenter. If there are helpful things that a partner can do for support, they can be mentioned. But many times people with CPTSD don’t want to burden anyone when they are feeling threatened and triggered. It’s a delicate balance. All narcs and BPD have suffered trauma, so again, trauma symptoms live on a scale like the others. Some are more evolved and mature in handling their triggers than others may be.
@@TerriMagoo not necessarily. I had a volatile relationship with my Mother who i thought was a narcissist but actually 12 years later i don't think she is. I realised in have CPTSD which i carried in to my first marriage which of course failed. Rushed in to a second marriage to someone abusive and controlling and after walking out of that one i fell for an alcoholic and had another 6 years of hell. It was a rollercoaster ride I couldn't get off. I wasn't self aware, i've had to learn that through reliasing there was a pattern and seeking counselling. Can you imagine what i was putting my poor mum through? She didn't have a clue what CPTSD was and not taking any accountability for my childhood; she blamed me and constantly critisced; she turned other family members against me. In the end I stonewalled. We had 10 years of no contact. In that time i got help and healed and so did she. We are now rebuilding our relationship. It takes two to have a successful relationship - no one person is perfect.
I've been so ignored, insulted, given so much silent treatmeant i feel pity for myself i feel sorry for my old self these people (from my family too and best friends) drained all the love out of me im a really lovely person tbh but i projected them on me i became like that i became really toxic i always now give ppl silent treatments i want attention and i want them to beg.. But i realized not anymore imma loosing all good people in my life but i think they're also toxic i never act like this until they made me so then im like no im not gon be the bigger person then choose to give silent treatment...idk how to deal w this..
As a child my mother would give me the silent treatment or give my dad the silent treatment if we did something wrong or something that offended her and it would tear me up inside and I hated it, especially when she would go on having normal interactions with everyone else. I have recently been finding myself doing the same thing to my daughter and I feel so ashamed! I need to learn a new way of thinking and new way to respond. How can I stop this behavior from being passed down to my daughter?
When someone I cared for yells at me for no reason or gets aggressive after they have received a lot of empathy and real life support I turn away and stay silent. And usual abusers don't want to ask or repair. I don't tolerate disrespect anymore.
"Don't listen to your trauma." You have a way of simultaneously cracking me up a little bit and providing a reality check. I admit openly right here in front of whoever reads this comment, I enjoy hurting the other person. ESPECIALLY if I feel bossed around, falsely accused, dictated or as if my privacy has been violated, or feel dismissed when I object to something someone insists on doing, say taking something of mine saying, "Oh, you don't need that. I'll just take it and use it for myself." I get to feeling so frustrated and angry that someone would dare try to treat me as an inferior or like a child, as if they are my authority. I just want to knock them down a notch so they can get their ego in line, because in general I am treating them with respect and consideration. So it's all fun and games until that other person gets too big for their britches. I really wish though, that I didn't almost get high off of making them pay by being a massive B**ch. I really need to work on this one. My other layer to the issue is not being able to cross the line to go back to not being angry, or at least not acting angry even if I'm not anymore. Why is that part so hard?
I've tried to set boundaries with someone who keeps breaking it and almost revelling in me lashing out when they push hard enough then using that as leverage against me or they have an overly aggressive reaction to very mundane things that I'm afraid to tell them anything. They always twist my words to support their narrative of me and how they want me to see myself. I hate doing it but I've found giving them the silent treatment when they bring up my sore spot makes them go away or change the subject.
My husband has the same problem. I think some people have it in their genes to not get well on purpose. They work hard on creating a distorted reality and here we find they can't stop abusing people. They make everything difficult for people in their lives. He wasn't just an emotional child but had a deemed feeling for self destruction. They should not always blame who abused them once they get older but to help themselves and they say that they didn't know. They didn't want to know.
Yes, I understand. I did massive amounts of yoga to gain objectivity. And to not flip out on people places and things. It worked for the most part. And your course sounds great. I will do it pretty soon.
I appreciate the genuine question...i, for one, can identify with the pain.. The questioner lost mom at such a young age! 😰 I'm glad we are here and hope we support each other as we press through (thanking God for Anna!)
Being silent gave him the power and control. He’s still not admitting what he did. He felt good stonewalling her, because it gave him the control in the relationship.
Kristin Neff has a practice called the self compassion break. Either person can call for one and both then go to separate spaces and practice self compassion. Add in regulation and would be a pretty powerful tool. 🙏
I’m glad I found this information. I’ve been struggling to figure out my behaviors. Everything you talk about hits home for me. I’m thankful to understand what’s going on with me and to be able to put a name to it. Cptsd sums it all up into one for me. It’s some peace of mind and a place to go from. Thank you 🙏
That was absolutely the video and question I needed to hear about. I have the same thing going on with my husband and I just don't know how to communicate with him in a way that doesn't seem aggressive so he doesn't close himself off whenever I have a concern.
Good morning, am writing this from Botswana. Honestly am battling with silent treatment, it's something that i have been battling with for the longest, i have always felt worthless and that nothing is good about me,and in most cases in my life i never had a good platform to express myself, my parents neglected from childhood and i used to lock myself in my room and stay there for hours and eventually it became a habit that i eventually became comfortable with and now a beginning to feel the pain of it, whenever i have a issue with my partner and I feel she doesn't respond the way i want, i go on silent treatment and to me has been a mechanism that will help me deal or heal from what am going through and sometimes when my insecurities are not attended to, i go for silent treatment. I real need heal this is killing me, this is real destroying me, i need help.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Daily Practice is a good tool to help sort out things like this. Give it a try if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
I did the silent treatment to my mum after all these years of her not listening to my needs as a child and teenager and early 20's. I told her about things that I didn't take from her and I was always there for her and she's ungrateful. I wanted actually to lash out my anger but I never did that to her, I regret that I didn't say anything, I just end the relationship. My mind told me that she wouldn't listen or she would say that all of that I felt or see about her was misinterpreted. She's unconscious about some things and she's struggling admit some things that's why i find it useless to prove my point anymore
It's pretty key that we realize we can heal without ever getting the acknowledgment we want or think we need. Other than Hollywood, it is very rare to get that apology or validation prior to healing, but strangely, not as uncommon once we are free from needing it. -Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, really great that you can see a bit you are picking people who don't make you feel good! You can get free of that though, I did! These courses can really help. -Cara@TeamFairy
This is a great video title. I may or may not have CPTSD. I don't think I do, even if my childhood has affected me and a child from my same household was diagnosed, i don't think it's to the extent of CPTSD. Still, I find your videos so so helpful and informative, because they really are great for anyone who's needs weren't fully met as kids! And I would think that's most of us, which is why I wish your video titles were more often like this one, because they don't just apply to CPTSD!
This is sooooo good. Wake up call for sure. Since I was a kid I was the one that just disappeared into the background. This is a pattern that has stuck with me. I just disappear, quitely, from peoples lives. Feel my inner child didnt feel anyone cared. Its not something I even think about, it just happens, but its a very lonely way of living. Gosh o golly, I say. Its ingrained in me. This is a major wake up call. I deserve to be seen and noticed for who I really am and not for who people think, or want me to be, to suit them or around their lives. Like a spare nob people only talk to when they have no other options. Yup, inbetween being invisible, way to many flare ups due to triggers and then despair for not understanding why I felt so complex, alone and left out. I am in my 50s and sad as so much lost but happy I can now see a way forward. Thank you so much. 🥰💚
The silent treatment was one of the most hurtful punishments my narcissistic mother used to do to me... It took me about 2 years into my healing journey after realizing I grew up being abused and neglect to realize that I also used to do silent treatment with other people (Of course not to punish like my mother, but when I was resentful and didn't know how to cope), when I realize that, I felt so ashamed and guilt for this behavior because I know how much it hurts, since then I pay attention to never do this to anyone again, I don't want to be like that, was a bad behavior I learned but it's definitely not a thing I'm proud of
Thank you so much for these tips and this video. I always try to sabotage my one relationship with my husband that I value the most in this World. I never want to do it but it's out of habbit and how my mother used to do. These tips are really helpful in breaking that cycle and to identify that I was actually punishing my husband my giving silent treatment. I did not realize this up until I saw your video. Thank you so much. God bless you ❤
I love how you absolutely know how this things feels like and even laugh about it, really makes me feel less alone.
Thank you for the kind words!
This is horrible advice. Any psychiatrist or just licensed therapist who understands personality disorders, particularly those who are specialist with narcissism and narcissistic abuse, will tell you that if you are dealing with a pathological or malignant narcissist, ONE SHOULD GO NO CONTACT AND NOT ENGAGE BECAUSE IT’S FUTILE.
This video and its seemingly kind, well-intentioned, though uneducated fairy, is promoting what could turn into horror and doing so is reckless.
@@JL-re1rx you obviously didn't listen to the whole video. This is not a Narcissist video in the slightest. My suggestion is that you listen to it over again.
My mother used to do the silent treatment on me as a child, absolute freeze-out for what felt like days. It all but killed me inside, when I was so small I could only reach up to the hem of her skirt. I didn't start healing until I was 48, through Buddhist mantra and meditation. Those things really worked for me.
That's wonderful - a lot of us have also found meditation to be a real game-changer
-Cara@TeamFairy
same - my mother was always distracted - disconnected - my father did the silent treatment - and she would be forced to - as a punishment if i didn't behave- half the time i didn't know why. thank you for sharing.
I so feel for you.... a mothers neglect is crucifying..... good luck to you!
@@michellewall6748 Thank you, it wasn't passive neglect alone, it was punishment, for things I didn't know I'd done. Best wishes to you.
Sugar free, I went thru same thing. I was 12 at 1st silent treatment, until I moved out, age 23. The silence did continue for at least a week, each time. I would cry myself to sleep each night, I felt she hated me.
When I get triggered (shocked by someone else’s words or behavior) and go on silent mode, it’s never to get back at the other person. It is always to collect myself, to check what just happened, add to figure out how I’m going to handle myself. All of this internal talk results in silence on the outside.
Yeah
Same here.
This is why I get stuck not talking. It happens with work too. It’s a state of overwhelm I think.
Me too
@@adrianneroubidoux1333 Same -- I stopped feeling that way when I left employers who didn't have my best interest and it has been good for me to work solo--and gain the confidence I need to ensure I never end up in places that are not healthy for me.
You have a most gentle and straightforward way of encouraging trauma survivors to use effective communication, to monitor their own reactions, and in essence not to “spread” their trauma around. I believe this is a much-needed message. Thank you.
I've got to 50 years old in a 20 yr relationship and I'm tired of mental games. Concluding that a dog is the ideal partner
Identical!!! I picked a pembroke welsh corgi! Lol
I agree! 100%
My darling poodle/bichon cross is the ideal partner.... but he's getting on and I will probably outlive him. I hope to find a reasonably healthy human partner (and be healthy in relationship myself) before the curtain falls.
Whatever works...and nothing is forever... One day at a time, right? Blessings to you!
you sound like me. Yes our four footed animals are truly so benevolent and loving. I surround myself with my pets and watch movies and rest.. I love it!!! It is safer than most humans nowadays!
When I get quiet, it is usually because I have mentioned it several times before, then become afraid to say anything again for fear of abandonment (that they won't hang in there with me as I try to push through).
It is so painful because being silent is opposite of what I want to do. Instead, I want them to want me enough to understand so I feel reassured.
So similar to what I’ve done. I’m afraid to speak up so I go quiet and try to shove down my emotions. Problem is, it shows all over my face. My ex-husband would ignore my “mood” and that would upset me more. But we never ‘fought’. So messed up.
@@ginam3379, I hear you and can understand how that would be doubly hurtful.
I am going through this with a friend right now, actually I believe we are now ex-friends. Because, I spoke up and was courageous with my fear, asking respectfully in what I needed, and they are just quiet and are responding superficially behind the shield of texts, which I would wait days for.
Yesterday, I finally advised them by text, that during this time, I am not available by texts and they knew how to reach me otherwise (phone, video chat, etc).
Truth is they likely won't exercise any of those options. They wanted me to die in the sword and quit because they didn't have the courage to speak their truth. I didn't take the bait so now they are stonewalling and deflecting. It has been a very painful process.
I am a communicator (and, pretty good and level-headed one, at that).
People always say I am honest and direct. This has been a TRUE challenge for me with them being quiet and just acting like my question is a statement that needs no reply by them.
I told them that it feels like they are quiet-quitting the friendship. Of course, they denied it. It is true though.
I am proud of myself by declaring I am not available for texts currently. I couldn't take that anymore. Waiting and waiting for crumbs.
I am not a teenager and I deserve adult, healthy friendships.
Peace to you as we both journey through this.
The pain is there, but love is NOT supposed to hurt and it takes two to make a relationship.
My former best friend did the silent treatment to me when she got angry. I finally ended our 20+ year friendship because it helped me realize how cruel and manipulative she could be.
I had to do same-was thinking it would be horrible but it was actually a relief.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love how you approach this from the premise that people do not necessarily use the silent treatment to abuse and control... but some do that. I have been harmed by the silent treatment very much by abusive, controlling people.. There is a definate difference between time out and the evil silent treatment. When I see anyone using that on me now... zoom..... beep beep, road runner speed I am out of there. done. I do not do nor accept the silent treatment. Solutions oriented authentic people do not use the silent treatment.. a time out maybe; which is a very different thing.
Agreed!
-Cara@ Team Fairy
I have used the silence as a way to work through the triggers. I have many triggers and I don't want to take anything, out on my partner, but I need the break, the silence, sometimes I have to isolate. I tell my partner I'm having problems right now.......... disregulated....... need time to work through this, talk to myself rationally so I don't blame others.
Sometimes my partner keeps at me to talk, work it out, etc. I tell him to leave me alone......... I'm not mad at you, but I can't talk now.................. he's gotten better, but he's been persistent, until I have no where to go, no peace, no respite, no safe place. He hasn't liked the response.................. but he's realized I truly need the space............ it's not him.......... and it is truly important to let me be.
Communicating what you need is great self-care!
Cara@Team Fairy
Yes, you are on the right track. They do not have to understand,
'You' do and so does your maker, creator;
"Jesus"
Christ '
Son" of
God
Way to keep on persisting for a pause/ time out. It gives your Body Mind and Spirit a healthy balance/break vs giving into someone else's needs. Proud of you for taking care of Your Own emotional needs😇
I admit I do this, even as I write this I’m in the midst of giving my older sister the silent treatment because she said something really hurtful to me, that I’ve previously told her I didn’t like. I go silent as a way to not argue and also, as a way to defend myself from her. I really want to get better and communicate more, but it’s very challenging when you’re in an environment where you don’t necessarily feel respected.
Thank you for sharing this video, it really means a lot. I really do want to build better healthier relationships, especially with my family
I used to get into that default setting too- thinking I was using the time to contemplate, finding the perfect way to address it because I didn’t want the situation to go left… Sounded like we must be in the better-bigger-person-place doesn’t it! Then I realized, all that ick was wrapped by many tentacles of control, I wasn’t confident in my ability to speak my mind, spent more time than my Sis did thinking about it, and in the end, it’s fear of the WCS sitting in the drivers seat - You get/hit ZERO points for that. No matter how it’s sliced - it’s all a nice blend of passive aggressive, fearful, and conflict avoidant behavior… we can’t control our sister’s behavior/response or be in that woo-hoo “ respectful environment “ we deserve and this kind of thing with her has & will likely happen over /over - so flip this script ->stop swallowing the poop sandwiches & be more willing to take a proactive role on your own behalf sooner ,roll up your sleeves & step into your power.
If you already told her then I'm not sure it's as much on you to keep talking. It's on her for continuing to violate your boundary. Up to you to figure out if you can or will continue to accept being treated in a disrespectful manner :)
When I was younger and something bad happened to me I would feel devastated and unable to function, so I shut down in order to internalise what had happened and how I could cope in order to move on. Yes, I gave the silent treatment but it was not malicious, just a means of survival and I often wouln't be able to communicate for the rest of the day. I have improved over the years. It is reassuring to find out it isn't just me who is affected.
I'm glad this work resonates with you, welcome!
I hear you. It's also challenging to know when to stop being around someone that disrespects you continuously and is an emotional roller coaster
Had a dad who used the silent treatment as punishment for days at a time. To communicate would say to my mother in front of me ,
"tell your daughter" and would complete the sentence with whatever he wanted to indirectly communicate to me. Such a relaxing home. Ive fought this kind of communication style in relationships all my life.
A lot of responses indicate they have been on receiving end of silent treatment. We focus on healing from all of it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What strikes me most about this letter is the profound humility and self-awareness this letter writer exhibits. In my experience, people who regularly practice tye silent treatment are not very capable of this kind of introspection. So impressive that he is ready to look at himself and grow.
I feel that way too!
O.M.G. this line " "Punish them, let me show them how it feels!! they'll feel sorry" THAT'S THE TRAUMA TALKING!!" .... and how we are at our worst behaviour when dysregulated... I haven't taken a course yet, but filling my notebook with your videos, my own introspection... I have even come out and apologized and recognized out loud my past toxicity and the impact on my close relatives and friends... it's like being possessed by a demon really. But back to this quote up there? what a breakthrough, feelign seen and called out, and realizing what was really going on inside of me. I am floored and grateful by the simple statement of where it all came from, really. I am so so very glad to have found you and your channel, I can't wait for the next plateau of actually connecting better and loving again but there is still quite a journey I think :,)
Yes dogs and my horse. So much easier to love than people.
Animals really have the power to connect so many of us, glad that you have that
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for addressing this, Anna. I love your content. People love to insist that the silent treatment is a conscious manipulation tactic, and there is some level of punishment there, but for me it was more about intense fear. Growing up, I was often belittled, slapped, or hit for speaking about my needs or feelings or giving an opinion on anything, with the admonishment that "Children should be seen and not heard!" So speaking up to a romantic partner about an issue that was bothering me was unimaginable--sheer terror kept me from speaking at all. Thankfully I've gotten much better at it and am currently with a wonderful, patient, loving partner and we're working on this together. Thank you for all you do.
I hear you, fear can make it incredibly difficult to speak up and advocate for oneself. I'm so glad you've been able to break through some of that fear and have found a caring partner, you deserve that! -Calista@TeamFairy
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book that helped me called, “Healing the Shame You don’t deserve”
He helps to pull apart what is our responsibility and what is not.
It seems to go right along with what you are discussing.
Your writer sounds like he has done some serious soul searching and he should be blessed.
“Couples need to talk to each other in order to maintain the relationship”. Yes!
:)
I think it's high time now we should make an underground pit with a toilet ,a light a fan . Some food items alarm bells and snakes and dogs . Where such silent treatment people should be dropped for months minus communication only a speaker and a hidden mic a Camera for the cell . Should be made in order to punish such people and law should rob off their assets to distribute among source and children .
Check for traits and do it .enough is enough .
Shame money everything gone they r no more than a street begger rest of their lives .
Bring a law like this .
Yes, I have a tendency to withdraw, often this is with friends. My triggers are 'exclusion' if I don't get invited to something I back off. Partly I do it for the reason you describe, Anna, rather that confront people with tears, anger, a dramatic meltdown. But I have lost a lot of friends this way and, ironically, I feel very alone and very isolated.
I hope you find some solace in this community!
-Cara@ Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am finding it enormously useful Anna. I just regret wasting so much of my life getting triggered and engaging in this unhelpful behaviour.
You may have been right to back off in this case. If you keep not getting invited to stuff or being excluded, it's time to let these people go and focus ahead to better terrain, people you do connect with who want to include you. You are worthy of this.
@@moonpleiades99 Amen Sister
I totally agree with Moon's comment. This is when I journal to God and seek His Guidance/ Holy Spirit Whispers as whether to continue the relationship or Let It Go and know a better one is waiting to enter your life🥰
Yes, yes, I am not allowed to have feelings or needs !
May i also add, that until recently i felt 'subjected' to this dysregulation, i was overwhelmed and possesed by it, almost like my body was a tool by what i called "my dark brain". It took over.
And now, thanks to you, and my burnout saying ENOUGH, it feels really GOOD to be on a path to own all of it up again, it's intense and heartbreaking and NOT EASY or a given, but i do feel happy to be me, find my voice again, it's never too late, people! Forgive yourself for having let yourself down, and be happy to reconnect with yourself.
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
0:53, significant phrase.
Unfortunately I had a therapist who did this to me and it was devastating. On so many levels I will not mention it right now. I was very raw and still healing from deep work. Very dysfunctional. Shocking really. I pray for her. It was a horrible rollercoaster put over the edge at the end.
i still do this and my partner recently told me that he hates when i do this i want to do better so i’m here, thank you
My whole family is using the silent treatment
Hope you find support here!
-Cara@Team Fairy
I've just got been diagnosed with cptsd. About 1 week back. And even though these videos have been a big help. All this information can be overwhelming too. But 8 out of 10 things are true about me. Shit... I cannot believe I'm 47 years. And did not know any of this. It's stressful as well as relief at the same time. I always knew I was different from others. But could never understand how.
Now I know exactly how.
So glad you found the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Searingly honest letter which shows real self-awareness. I think it can be useful to remember that, at times, we all feel 'broken, messy or damaged goods'. I think it's a part of the human condition - we just think everyone else has their 'stuff' together, and it's just us that hasn't. The truth is, these feelings are much more universal than we might think.
:)
The opposite of silent treatment is harassment. Some people think they are entitled to you 24/7, will not stop calling/texting and expect immediate replies even when i've stated a million times i'm busy. So no thanks, i'm not a slave to my phone. If they want to interpret my lack of immediate response as silent treatment that's their problem.
I can relate!
@@meeperbird My love language IS quality time, so that argument doesn't apply. Quality time =/= harassment.
Definitely not endorsing harassment! Take care of yourself always!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What I hate about cell phones is how relatives think I owe them 24 hour access to my whereabouts. I'm a middle aged adult, not a teenager.
My neighbor was like that always inviting me over every day and she even came over and took my dog to her house so I would come over. I have tried to be polite and patient by telling her I’m busy right now but she seems impatient and I think she’s lonely. When she took my dog off my porch that irritated me so when I went to get my pet back I talked about Jesus the entire time and now she gives me the silent treatment. Praise Jesus high five!
It's complex. We probably were given the silent treatment by a parent. We also learned to stuff it when we were attacked by our parents to avoid more severe retribution.
Lots of reasons why we do it, it's about better communication now that we are healing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was ghosted by my best friend. Talk about the silent treatment! I know it is not exactly the same. The shame spiral... now three years after this happened, is finally lessening. I work hard to stay only in the present. But wow, talk about rejection and fear of abandonment coming to its highest fruition. Since watching these videos I realize (well I knew but I wasn't sure what I could do) I realized that I kept this person in my life, and OTHERS, far longer than I should have. The red flags were there. I am now in the isolation phase I admit. I hope I will grow beyond this and also get some super people in my life too.
PS I love the "tools" It has inspired me to find a comfy blanket for the living room that will help me "self hug" since I lack people touch. Great stuff Anna !!!
I just want to comment and say that I know exactly how you feel; in fact, going through a very intense spiritual journey the past 4 months, I realized this ghosting/abandonment issue is the part I needed to heal the most. I stumbled upon a post regarding ghosting- that ghosting has really nothing to do with our worthiness and everything to do with the other parties own unhealed wounds and lack of emotional maturity. This personally gave me a completely different perspective on all of my experiences. Its definitely still a painful topic, but it shows how deeply wounded our society is these days 💔
Thanks for sharing!
I feel the same. I have no friends although like you I hope to grow and also gain some super people in my life. Have a good sunday. Ali
@@tashka8849 couldn’t have said it better! ❤️❤️❤️👌
Got the silent treatment sometimes in my childhood from my parents. Devastating.....
Glad you're here!
I often retreat to my room and lock the door when other people are yelling. I’m not intending to “give the silent treatment” and I’m pretty sure everyone knows why I’m upset, but I’m not willing to allow others to scream at me. I also sometimes retreat when we have gone in circles a hundred times and I’m just so exhausted and we need to just “agree to disagree” (in my opinion) but they are usually not ok with agreeing to disagree.
Leaving the situation because it is going nowhere is a good idea, doesn't qualify as "silent treatment" which is not communicated as taking space.
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's best to go no contact after an exit plan in place . For your peace of mind else will be stuck up for them the whole life .
No need to disclose anything just one fine day walk to a grocery store and judt disapear for entire life . These r people with no emotions .
All bully
Just calm down and leave them . Thinking they passed away in covid .
@@tariqahmed7244 but then they'll call the police and say you're missing.
My ex and I both have cptsd and she hasn't responded to any of my attempts to reconcile. It feels like both of the worst aspects of abandonment fears and silent treatment coming together, but it's good to know that it's coming from a place of trauma for both of us. Neither of us are trying to hurt the other.
CPTSD is never personal, hard to get but so important!
Cara@Team Fairy
Thank you. Perfect timing. I’m currently without a home (18 months now), 5 weeks into CPT, topical chemo for precancer, unmanageable ADHD, my daughter “took a break from me” in November. I’m seeking support from an acute care social rehab facility bc I’m exhausted and need help. In the past, they have seen my disregulation as bad behavior, even when I’m screaming’these are symptoms!’ They only hear screaming. Now that I’m faced with needing their support, my inclination is to ‘not say anything...’ I’ve only been to the referring crisis agency once and witnessed a violent assault while there so I’m already triggered just thinking about asking for help. I can’t white knuckle this anymore. Thank you for your candor.✨✌🏽♥️
So glad you are in the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The one thing you don't share about shame is that it also comes from things happing to you. Let's uses sexual abuse for instance. This is shame because you feel like you did something wrong. You feel dirty and bad. Guilt you did something bad. Shame is you are bad. Shame causes you to hide.
The example I used is a real one for me. I dealt with more than this in my childhood. Now about this subject. I have a problem with being passive aggressive. Being silent kept me safe as a child... Stay under the radar. I gain a lot of reasons to stay silent.
I can relate and I run from confrontation. Sometimes I can’t run.
sorry that happened to you .. but .. youre an Adult now .. and responsible for all you do no matter what happened to you in the past .. I could giv you a grocery list of things that happened to me .. but once I turned 18 .. I was freeeeee however ! Everything I did from then on was MY Responsibility .. gl !
@@BEAUTYnIQ trama based reaction thinking is not beholder fault. Trying to find a safe person to help heal can be a challenge...crappy childhood fair on you tube shares lots of healing actions ..so worth it. Joy practitioner on fb also helps move others forward.
Silence is
Golden
@Tracy_Zimmerman: we see the solution as the same for all trama - hope you find it helpful
ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
That “I'll show you” was my default internal reaction growing up. It made me act out, run away or plan suicide(s). Just realized now that was me just wanting to hurt them back, maybe even more than I wanted to get away, feel better and/or protect myself. Wow
I often get extremely defensive whenever I am confronted with anything at all by anyone. I always try to have the best intentions with other people so its painful when I am confronted by it. However, since going through a similar experience of loosing someone I love because of my own manipulative/ damaging behaviour. I realised that just because I feel hurt and Im not trying to hurt people doesn't make it any less manipulative or damaging to other people. I lack communication skills and completely panic when anything is addressed so it's like my brain shuts down and I go silent aka the silent treatment. I am not trying to punish the person at all. I am trying to stay away because that voice inside my head always tells me thats the best thing to do. Since it triggers my abandonment issues. Its difficult to explain and gain understanding because this is really unfair way to react to someone who wants my understanding/ accountability. I am feeling a lot of guilt/ shame/ regret for being in pain and passing that on to other people that I truly love. I also go silent if I am hurt by something someone does to me. Instead of going to the person i just disappear from their life so Im working on that too. For a long time i used to blame everyone else for my relationship/ friendship issues but now I realise its me all along who is the toxic person! Im just lucky I am not blind to it anymore and I can work on it. Thank you so much Im so happy I found your videos. I really lost hope when these first realisations happened.
When someone gives me the silent treatment, it triggers something in me that makes me feel like im dying. It's very cruel.
I grew up with the silent treatment from mother. As a young teenager we didn’t speak to one another for months. I finally asked her for a truce. Years latter I married a man who used the silent treatment too. I’d fake illness to get him back to “normal”. In my latter years I stopped the manipulation
How great you were able to identify where you kept yourself stuck! Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Crappy Childhood Fairy has such a beautiful soul and is really calming
:)
agreed!!
Since coming across your channel less than a week ago I have learned more about myself than I did in many previous therapy sessions. I can so relate to Bob in this letter, my boyfriend of 6 years hasn't left me yet but is not sure he can continue with the relationship due to my dysregulated behavior and the damage it has done to trust and connection. I am trying to not beat myself up but its hard because shame and self hatred is my default. Now I am struggling with intense fears of rejection and abandonment. Thank you for this video I so needed to hear it right now.
We hope you find some tools that help you in this community
-Cara@TeamFairy
You know a lot about this stuff. You have an amazing way of getting the point across in such a kind, effective way.
Thank you so much!
Thank you ❤ I felt like the other advice I've found has described the silent treatment as "toxic" and "narcissistic" behavior. I was feeling really crappy about myself, but I feel like you shed some compassion on the subject from a different point of view. I appreciate it so much
Anna, you are so wise, compassionate, and down to earth. Your work is a gift. Truly. Thank you. I have heard that stonewalling is one of the cruelest forms of emotional abuse. What you imply when you refuse to respond is that the other person just doesn't exist. It suggests contempt and dismissal, which is indeed akin to violence, especially towards a "loved one". It is the opposite of loving.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is actually quite relevant to us situation I am in with my son. I am 45 and have CPTSD and due to a time I was away my children lived with her father and her stepmother. During that time their father and stepmother did traumatize them and now my son displays all the markers of having CPTSD but is just so resistant on getting any help and is in an internal negative loop of depression, negative self image and low self esteem. I’ve been trying to teach him how to drive and he had a horrible meltdown started yelling at me pulled over to the side of the road got out of the car and started walking on the highway. I brought him back to his house and have barely spoken to him since I don’t know what to say that won’t be reactive from my trauma without making the situation worse for him because he also has the same condition. After watching your video I’m gonna take some more time and then reach out to him calmly and hopefully it’ll open up communication. Thank you so much for your videos ❤️
Try this practice, it will help you help him bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
My ex had a dismissive avoidant attachment style and he froze inside his own head for a whole day after any conversation that triggered him, leaving me alone in silence. At first I just let it happen and waited for him to come to me. He didn't. I ended up always being the one who had to rescue things. When I expressed to him how much that behavior hurt me, he said he was "only giving ME space". I proceeded to explain to him how I did NOT need any space at all, it was he who needed space (obviously, he was projecting/blaming/not assuming responsibility). And I told him I was tired of being the rescuer and that I wished he could meet me halfway. He heard this. But invariably he defaulted to "giving me space" after any sort of conversation that was not pleasant to him, and he never came to me afterwards. Exhausting, and I felt so alone within the relationship.
It might or might not be true that the silent treatment is as bad as blowing up. But the feeling, true or not, is that the silent treatment can be controlled. Whereas blowing up feels like losing all control. Once that lid blows off it can’t be put back in until the pressure has expended itself.
Understood, hopefully all of us with CPTSD make the progress we need towards honest and sane communication
-Cara@Team Fairy
Yes, that's how I feel.
Just weighing in from experience with receiving both. Either is harmful if handled poorly.
Blowing up, can lead to saying things, either unmeant or in a hurtful way, which you will need to track and address if you want the relationship to be one of mutual support and transparency. Given the channel, I'm assuming we do haha
Giving the silent treatment usually starts with some form of partial signal and then nothing. The receiver is then left in a vacuum of information. "Nature abhors a vacuum", and so do emotions.
Either way leaves wounds that need healed for the relationship to continue to grow. The advantage of the blow up method, is that you know which wounds were created. You were there. You might be surprised by which are deeper than others, but you won't be surprised by the wounds.
If you've shoved them into an emotional vacuum for xx amount of time, you don't get to see what the wounds are. Maybe you address all of them when you are ready to end the silent treatment, but the odds are better that you don't even know what hurts they've suffered.
Every relationship is made up of two imperfect people rubbing old wounds together, so which method works best is probably case by case. Those are just the dangers on the road I've seen.
11:10. You take it to the paper. Excellent.
I never felt I could speak out, but now I know I need to be honest about my feelings and I deserve it say my mind
That's right!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Everything you say can and will be used against you. Silence is strength, emotional outpouring is weakness. Choose your position...
You are most certainly a gift from God Anna.
Thank you for being here!
I needed to hear this. I also struggle with using the silent treatment against loved ones and it always feels like it’s out of my control in the moment. I feel so ashamed afterward. Anna, thank you for giving me strategies to start dealing with this.
You're welcome, glad you are here!
1st letter: Great letter. Good questions. It is very difficult to change something like that, because the rejections from childhood is there in the base of everything..
But, You are on the right path! Thank You for sharing this.
I agree!
Difficult yes, and well worth the work!
Cara@TeamFairy
What a wonderfully honest and self reflective letter from Bob. Thank you Bob, that took courage and your letter will help others. Yes shutting down for someone with cptsd is an adaptive coping mechanism when feeling stressed or overwhelmed and the tools mentioned here are great, thank you Anna. What I would add though is that while responsibility for learning different strategies is necessary by the one shutting down, there are of course two people in a relationship. Sometimes I feel listening to these videos that the person with cptsd is given all the weight and accountability to carry for outcomes such as these, when the behaviour of the other person in the relationship also plays a factor in this dynamic. For example, do they approach their partner with a softened start up, refraining from harsh criticism or shouting? All things which can be triggers for someone with cptsd. Are they coming from a place of love? A conflict resolution scenario involves the work of two people not one, including the negotiation together of what reassurance looks like for each other at these challenging times.
This is such helpful advice. I have alienated two 'friends' who assume they can talk endlessly about their issues/problems/family news. On a few occasions, I've exploded in frustration when I have not been 'allowed' to speak/interrupt. I've been labelled as having a 'hair-trigger temper'. That may be true but I've felt so helpless to know how to butt in before!! I feel totally overwhelmed. Have chosen to distance myself from these two people since they seem unwilling to give me space. I realize I am 'triggered' when I feel like the Child who had to remain silent 'or else'. Your support in finding a real, solid way of dealing with emotional overwhelm is just what I've needed. Request a break for a specific time. Wash my hands. Hug myself. Wow!! This is so helpful. Thank you so much!!
I'm glad the suggestions are a comfort :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just ended the silent treatment with my daughter because of this video. I was so angry and upset i couldn't speak as i knew i'd say thing's i'd regret. I've told her i need time and space to process my thoughts and feelings. She respected that so i assume that's better than me stonewalling her.
Absolutely! Great work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
With due respect sir it's better not to get angry in first place .
Plz do xome meditation to calm down anger .
@@tariqahmed7244, please don't tell others how to feel. They feel what they feel.
As the youngest child (by seven years) I found the silent treatment an effective weapon. It is difficult to give up something that feels like it gives so much control.
A very astute point! Healing is not an overnight matter!
Cara@Team Fairy
The key is letting them know you are talking a break or need a break, that is if they are people that deserve to be in your life and who you still want to keep in your life.
Good communication is a great start!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I can't believe how spot on the things you say are. I must be a member of the intended audience. I didn't know I'd had trauma in my childhood. It must be really spread out, but I can see it when I look more closely. A lot of little things that add up to a big thing. Thee WAS abandonment, there was bullying, there were put downs, shaming, neglect, and stonewalling... I knew I had self esteem issues, and I knew where it came from, but I didn't know it was that bad.
Being treated with contempt (with or without physical abuse) can do an incredible number on the child's developing brain
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve always wondered why people suggest writing your feelings out on paper. I might start a diary.
We have found it to be an amazing experience!
-Cara@Team Fairy
Please try it with purpose. I always poo pooed it... But, after a type of emotional breakdown coming to a head of decades of CPTSD, this channel, this woman helped me to overcome the trauma... Finally a workable solution to my horrific years of self torture.... I'm finally free for the first time in my life.
Do it now..... This lady/channel has helped me with every issue I had like no other therapists, books, friends, partners ever had. Love her. She knows how to move forward practically ..(tools) & not look back. Live, don't just survive. It's been life changing for me.
@@FirehorseG wow.... so encouraging. I want to feel like you. -Ali
Writing down what I'm thinking and feeling has really helped me a lot.
This helps me understand why my dear friend of 20 years has been giving me the silent treatment for 2 months since I gently reminded her of a boundary and asked for communication about it. It doesn't help me figure out how to respond. I'm just waiting for her to move out because I feel she is throwing away our friendship. If all I say is "hi" she gets flustered and runs to her room.
I'm glad it served to give you a bit more insight!
-Cara@ Team Fairy
I am grateful for your direct and compassionate guidance! Thank you so much: my world has expanded :)
That's wonderful to hear. I'm glad you're here!
Thank you bob n fairy....so brave ❤
And thank you!
I can not tell you enough how grateful I am for your videos. I never even realised that my coping skills were all bonkers and bad for relationships. I thought most people are just like me. This helps so much
This is a common fear; CCF urges you to try the Daily Practice for fears and resentments bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I also find it helps if I tell the other person, "I'm struggling right now and want to collect my thoughts so I don't say something I'll regret. I am NOT avoiding this conversation, but I'm going to go for a walk and I will be back in x (insert time usually half hour or 1 hour max.) to have the conversation." I go for a walk and calm down, think about why I'm upset or triggered and come back. Usually I'm able to explain why I was upset or triggered, and have the conversation in a mature way.
Excellent.
Thank you for all that you do! I really appreciate you.
You are so welcome
Oh I've got to try this. I don't necessarily give the silent treatment, but I have found myself going silent when I don't know what to say or better yet how to say what I'm thinking or feeling.
Yup, we think we're just being quiet but with no communication others take it differently than we mean it.
-Cara@TeamFairy
What about giving the silent treatment to avoid a highly narcissistic family, going "no contact" as they call it. That's what I've been doing to try so hard to heal from years and years of emotional abuse. I have no energy in my spirit to engage with them yet i know I"m hurting them by not speaking to them. It's awful. I don't miss my siblings nor my mother but I do miss my nieces and nephews who are innocent in all of this. I send them holiday cards and little treats to let them know that I"m thinking about them and that I love them but I"m sure this confuses them. In the meantime I get calls and texts from my mother shaming me and telling me my behavior is unacceptable blah blah. I find myself not even listening to her voicemails for months at a time because I can't deal with the pain.
All cases are different, the thing that is the same is we need a practice to deal with the pain. We recommend this: ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
Zoey starlight I learnt in my therapy that we don’t deserve to be treated the way your mother is treating you even if they are family it doesn’t give them the right to be nasty to us even if they are blood I was told it’s ok to move yourself away from toxic people until they decide to treat us better your change there ways don’t feel guilty your doing the right thing and sending your niece and Nephew stuff it so kind and they will remember this your mother is not facing up to the way she has treated you and trying to past her issue over to you until she faces her issuer the best thing for you is to stay away it’s not giving them the silent treatment it’s protecting yourself from further abuse which we all have a right to do x
@@teresareid5034 Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm truly grateful! xo
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I will look at it right now. Thank you so much!
@@zoeystarlight613 your welcome I’ve learnt this past 2 years I would just be quite when my mother said nasty things in the past and just take it even my older children have tried to control me my therapy taught me it doesn’t matter if these people are your family don’t put up with it I just thought I had to because family was important to me but threat was due to my non self worth as a child being brought up this way and now I realise I’m still human I’m still a person I maybe there daughter of mother but I still deserve respect and if they can’t do that then please stay out of my life until you learn to respect my wishes it’s called boundaries and self worth ❤️🙏🏻
Taking a walk is also helpful. Dancing is even better. I don’t know if Bob can be more adventurous to learning to dance. Movement is good when we feel disregulated. Better yet, just make any silly movements. Play a good song and go for it. You don’t need training to move your body! You will feel better afterwards.
I do that! I will break out into a crazy dance.....make myself laugh.
spiritosa0123 Haha! Go for it! :-)
:)
P T thank you for that suggestion. It really connected for me
Deana DeWeese It really delights me to hear you say that! I’m glad it connects with you.
Thank you so much for this video Anna. I've been gradually coming to terms with the loss of my sister relationship, whom I've always struggled with codependency towards, after taking the risk to express genuine hurt by a mistake she made. We both suffer from CPTSD and I realised quickly that it must have slashed open her shame wounds, but it was the final straw for me attempting to have an equal-footed relationship with her in which I can be authentic, honest and vulnerable. "The silent treatment is just as aggressive as yelling" has almost become a grounding mantra for me when I find myself getting dysregulated and ashamed for being treated as though I do not even exist for trying to share pain and ask for some understanding and compassion. It really did drive me crazy for many weeks, but I've finally decided to meet her where she's at (not with blocking or deliberate silence), but just detaching and moving on. Thanks again.
Tysm for this informational video! It came at the right time, because I did the silent treatment on someone today.. Let's heal!
Same. Its funny how help can appear just when you need it most
@mystic_deal: let the healing begin!
Cara@TeamFairy
I believe that for those of us with autistic like tendencies, sometimes some longer breaks help us to process.
I never intent to hurt someone else, but I have a need to figure out what is going on- since I had so much manipulation in my childhood.
I usually sort through it through writing and prayer and figure it out.
Then, I can either come back to the relationship or decide that I need to make some changes in how I show up.
Boy, I honestly thought only narcissists and borderlines gave a true silent treatment. Talk about painful.
Very painful, as all untreated fear based behaviors are!
Cara@Team Fairy
@@TerriMagoo it can be used as an abuse tactic, but some people use it to protect those they love. With maturity and effort, people with CPTSD (complex PTSD) can learn to not lash out when feeling afraid and instead of the silent treatment they can establish with a party that they aren’t feeling balanced and need some time to recenter. If there are helpful things that a partner can do for support, they can be mentioned. But many times people with CPTSD don’t want to burden anyone when they are feeling threatened and triggered. It’s a delicate balance. All narcs and BPD have suffered trauma, so again, trauma symptoms live on a scale like the others. Some are more evolved and mature in handling their triggers than others may be.
@@TerriMagoo not necessarily. I had a volatile relationship with my Mother who i thought was a narcissist but actually 12 years later i don't think she is. I realised in have CPTSD which i carried in to my first marriage which of course failed. Rushed in to a second marriage to someone abusive and controlling and after walking out of that one i fell for an alcoholic and had another 6 years of hell. It was a rollercoaster ride I couldn't get off. I wasn't self aware, i've had to learn that through reliasing there was a pattern and seeking counselling. Can you imagine what i was putting my poor mum through? She didn't have a clue what CPTSD was and not taking any accountability for my childhood; she blamed me and constantly critisced; she turned other family members against me. In the end I stonewalled. We had 10 years of no contact. In that time i got help and healed and so did she. We are now rebuilding our relationship. It takes two to have a successful relationship - no one person is perfect.
People who struggle to process and communicate give what seems like the silent treatment.
Silent treatment is emotional and psychological abuse .
WOW!! What a LETTER! What COURAGE BOB!!
:)
I've been so ignored, insulted, given so much silent treatmeant i feel pity for myself i feel sorry for my old self these people (from my family too and best friends) drained all the love out of me im a really lovely person tbh but i projected them on me i became like that i became really toxic i always now give ppl silent treatments i want attention and i want them to beg.. But i realized not anymore imma loosing all good people in my life but i think they're also toxic i never act like this until they made me so then im like no im not gon be the bigger person then choose to give silent treatment...idk how to deal w this..
Check out the details sections for some tools :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I listen to you to re-regulate!
My ex would give me the silent treatment for months at a time, without telling me why.
As a child my mother would give me the silent treatment or give my dad the silent treatment if we did something wrong or something that offended her and it would tear me up inside and I hated it, especially when she would go on having normal interactions with everyone else. I have recently been finding myself doing the same thing to my daughter and I feel so ashamed! I need to learn a new way of thinking and new way to respond. How can I stop this behavior from being passed down to my daughter?
This honest acknowledgement is a great start. Take this free course to get more help bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
When someone I cared for yells at me for no reason or gets aggressive after they have received a lot of empathy and real life support I turn away and stay silent. And usual abusers don't want to ask or repair. I don't tolerate disrespect anymore.
You explained so kindly. My husband and my daughter give me silent treatment like for a year
Anna, so well spoken!!! you understand and never trigger me. Every good and perfect 'gift' is from above. Thank you for giving your time for others!
thank you for the kind words!
My sheep hear my voice says
Jesus. Lol
Anna
This is a really great one Anna I rage or go silent don’t trust anyone I’m working on it I don’t want to hurt anyone thanks for making things clear❤
"Don't listen to your trauma." You have a way of simultaneously cracking me up a little bit and providing a reality check. I admit openly right here in front of whoever reads this comment, I enjoy hurting the other person. ESPECIALLY if I feel bossed around, falsely accused, dictated or as if my privacy has been violated, or feel dismissed when I object to something someone insists on doing, say taking something of mine saying, "Oh, you don't need that. I'll just take it and use it for myself." I get to feeling so frustrated and angry that someone would dare try to treat me as an inferior or like a child, as if they are my authority. I just want to knock them down a notch so they can get their ego in line, because in general I am treating them with respect and consideration. So it's all fun and games until that other person gets too big for their britches. I really wish though, that I didn't almost get high off of making them pay by being a massive B**ch. I really need to work on this one. My other layer to the issue is not being able to cross the line to go back to not being angry, or at least not acting angry even if I'm not anymore. Why is that part so hard?
I've tried to set boundaries with someone who keeps breaking it and almost revelling in me lashing out when they push hard enough then using that as leverage against me or they have an overly aggressive reaction to very mundane things that I'm afraid to tell them anything. They always twist my words to support their narrative of me and how they want me to see myself.
I hate doing it but I've found giving them the silent treatment when they bring up my sore spot makes them go away or change the subject.
I get it, we do what works. When we are healing ourselves, other techniques will come more naturally
-Cara@TeamFairy
My husband has the same problem. I think some people have it in their genes to not get well on purpose. They work hard on creating a distorted reality and here we find they can't stop abusing people. They make everything difficult for people in their lives. He wasn't just an emotional child but had a deemed feeling for self destruction. They should not always blame who abused them once they get older but to help themselves and they say that they didn't know. They didn't want to know.
Some struggle more than others, we just try to keep the focus on ourselves :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, I understand. I did massive amounts of yoga to gain objectivity. And to not flip out on people places and things. It worked for the most part. And your course sounds great. I will do it pretty soon.
Perfect!
I just took a break and happy to hear it’s a wise move
Thank you so much for all your hard work and for sharing your gifts without a co-payment. I am very happy I found your videos! xo
You are so welcome!
I appreciate the genuine question...i, for one, can identify with the pain.. The questioner lost mom at such a young age! 😰 I'm glad we are here and hope we support each other as we press through (thanking God for Anna!)
Thanks for sharing!!
Being silent gave him the power and control. He’s still not admitting what he did. He felt good stonewalling her, because it gave him the control in the relationship.
Kristin Neff has a practice called the self compassion break. Either person can call for one and both then go to separate spaces and practice self compassion. Add in regulation and would be a pretty powerful tool. 🙏
I have used it as child when things didn’t go my way.
I’m glad I found this information. I’ve been struggling to figure out my behaviors. Everything you talk about hits home for me. I’m thankful to understand what’s going on with me and to be able to put a name to it. Cptsd sums it all up into one for me. It’s some peace of mind and a place to go from. Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much for being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That was absolutely the video and question I needed to hear about. I have the same thing going on with my husband and I just don't know how to communicate with him in a way that doesn't seem aggressive so he doesn't close himself off whenever I have a concern.
Good morning, am writing this from Botswana. Honestly am battling with silent treatment, it's something that i have been battling with for the longest, i have always felt worthless and that nothing is good about me,and in most cases in my life i never had a good platform to express myself, my parents neglected from childhood and i used to lock myself in my room and stay there for hours and eventually it became a habit that i eventually became comfortable with and now a beginning to feel the pain of it, whenever i have a issue with my partner and I feel she doesn't respond the way i want, i go on silent treatment and to me has been a mechanism that will help me deal or heal from what am going through and sometimes when my insecurities are not attended to, i go for silent treatment.
I real need heal this is killing me, this is real destroying me, i need help.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Daily Practice is a good tool to help sort out things like this. Give it a try if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I did the silent treatment to my mum after all these years of her not listening to my needs as a child and teenager and early 20's. I told her about things that I didn't take from her and I was always there for her and she's ungrateful. I wanted actually to lash out my anger but I never did that to her, I regret that I didn't say anything, I just end the relationship. My mind told me that she wouldn't listen or she would say that all of that I felt or see about her was misinterpreted. She's unconscious about some things and she's struggling admit some things that's why i find it useless to prove my point anymore
It's pretty key that we realize we can heal without ever getting the acknowledgment we want or think we need. Other than Hollywood, it is very rare to get that apology or validation prior to healing, but strangely, not as uncommon once we are free from needing it.
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mother confused the hell out of me. Now I pick partners who are like her. 😩
Yes, really great that you can see a bit you are picking people who don't make you feel good! You can get free of that though, I did! These courses can really help.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same
This is a great video title.
I may or may not have CPTSD. I don't think I do, even if my childhood has affected me and a child from my same household was diagnosed, i don't think it's to the extent of CPTSD. Still, I find your videos so so helpful and informative, because they really are great for anyone who's needs weren't fully met as kids! And I would think that's most of us, which is why I wish your video titles were more often like this one, because they don't just apply to CPTSD!
I appreciate that you like them and they are helping :)
This is sooooo good. Wake up call for sure. Since I was a kid I was the one that just disappeared into the background. This is a pattern that has stuck with me. I just disappear, quitely, from peoples lives. Feel my inner child didnt feel anyone cared. Its not something I even think about, it just happens, but its a very lonely way of living. Gosh o golly, I say. Its ingrained in me. This is a major wake up call. I deserve to be seen and noticed for who I really am and not for who people think, or want me to be, to suit them or around their lives. Like a spare nob people only talk to when they have no other options. Yup, inbetween being invisible, way to many flare ups due to triggers and then despair for not understanding why I felt so complex, alone and left out. I am in my 50s and sad as so much lost but happy I can now see a way forward. Thank you so much. 🥰💚
So glad that you see a way forward, thanks for being here!
The silent treatment was one of the most hurtful punishments my narcissistic mother used to do to me... It took me about 2 years into my healing journey after realizing I grew up being abused and neglect to realize that I also used to do silent treatment with other people (Of course not to punish like my mother, but when I was resentful and didn't know how to cope), when I realize that, I felt so ashamed and guilt for this behavior because I know how much it hurts, since then I pay attention to never do this to anyone again, I don't want to be like that, was a bad behavior I learned but it's definitely not a thing I'm proud of
This is all part of healing, glad you're here 💜
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for these tips and this video. I always try to sabotage my one relationship with my husband that I value the most in this World. I never want to do it but it's out of habbit and how my mother used to do.
These tips are really helpful in breaking that cycle and to identify that I was actually punishing my husband my giving silent treatment. I did not realize this up until I saw your video.
Thank you so much. God bless you ❤
Glad Anna's video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy