HOW TO SPOT THE 9 TRAITS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: MOMS
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- Опубликовано: 3 янв 2021
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Being raised by a mother or primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), most especially an untreated mom with BPD, can have life long impacts upon our mental, emotional, relational and physiological selves.
Sadly, due to the often significant stigmatization of BPD, alongside misdiagnoses, lack of understanding among lay people and clinicians, I believe there are many wounded adults walking around, carrying the weight of being raised by an untreated Borderline parent.
Some of them are Borderlines themselves, who also had BPD parents, some of them do not have a "technical" diagnosis, but have significant CPTSD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, and many other difficulties - directly related to growing up with a parent who displayed the traits of disorganized attachment behaviors, instability, intermittent reinforcement of attachment and connection (as in trauma bonds, mama trauma...in previous videos).
There doesn't seem to be a great word for what it feels like when you were raised by a parent with BPD or BPD traits, outside of experiencing "borderline abuse or CPTSD, etc"
When I read the posts on many Narcissistic websites and RUclips pages, I often see BPD or similar traits expressed in the stories, sometimes instead of NPD, and sometimes alongside.
For me, the reason I think it's so challenging and important, is that because those with Borderline PD are physiologically more sensitive (ie fMRI studies) and relationally driven (than typical NPD types), many of those with BPD parents describe mixed emotions and mixed experiences with their BPD parent (outside of severe cases).
So, with the common experience where those with BPD can express idealization and devaluation, alongside their need to be in relationship -- but also challenged, because they struggle with relational, emotional, self image dysregulation (combined with other criteria... like impulsivity), I think it leaves many children feeling shameful, alone, guilty, and as if they are betraying their mothers ---because it wasn't always bad.
Sometimes she was wonderful, helpful, loving, attentive, fun and more.
But, when it was bad, it was REALLY BAD. And as a result, their childhoods were filled with fear, anger, terror, sadness, confusion, wounding, and a lack of having a consistently safe, attuned and trustworthy caregiver. And, as a result of those traumatic and unpredictable, unsafe, etc -experiences, so many live with the core belief of "I am bad," while also carrying their own deep psychological and cognitive wounds...
If you don't understand the complex nature of Borderline Personality Disorder, especially through the lens of a child raised by a BPD parent, this video may help you further your understanding of your parent's struggle, so you can begin to understand and heal your own struggles.
❤️If you can relate, you are not alone.
❤️You are truly worthy of validation, healing and support.
🌺🌺
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💕Journal Exercise Video #3 in Healing Shame in CPTSD
coming in a day or so! "Safe Place and Self Compassion" 🙏🏻🙏🏻
My mom had/has bpd. She was so aggressive to me. Threw away all my toys when I did something wrong and beat me up several times. We developed a warning system at home so that everybody knew what mood she was in. She is now 80 and still not able to take responsibility for things. I am 52 and is still sometimes angry and sad for how she treated me. She made me think I was worthless and It took me until my 30-s to realize I was not.
Oh my gosh..so sorry you endured all of that. GOD creates all of us with worth and purpose. Always remember that.
Hugs
Omg the warning system 🙄🙄🙄 yes!!!
Hope you are doing well❤️❤️❤️
So sorry. Don’t feel bad if you have to throw her in the nursing home. You got your own life to live.
Sounds narcissitic.
I wonder if you guys who also had a bpd Mother can relate to this: I often feel angry at myself to reconnect to my mother when she is showing her loving side, because it invalidates all the trauma and evil things she did to me. When she gets angry and unstable again the main anger i have is in this moment is towards myself that i got tricked again in believing she changed and invalidating my own experience. (m22)
I get that.. I have an on off relationship with my mom, like a narcissist she love bombs me when after weeks or months of not speaking she shows up at my appartment and acts as if nothing ever happened tells me how much she loves me and hours later sometimes days i regret trusting her bc her emotional unavailable, cold, manipulative, gaslighting and unaware self shows again
I also feel in these moments where she wants to be a great mom and give me good love and hug me like i am betraying myself bc I know what will happen eventually but I can’t help it bc I wish to be loved so bad and am tempted to just forget all that happened to be able to enjoy the current moment and kind of wanna believe that there could be a change and maybe she really understands now which i most of the times regret
I know that feeling of being angry at myself bc i again fall for it.. is what i described something you also resonate with?
"I got tricked again" is an expression of the never dying hope. Give up the hope and you will feel free - but that isnt easy to do
I can relate to the experience however without a proper clinical diagnosis can only presume possible BPD, narcissistic, or cluster B tendencies or mood disorders, rage disorders, walking on egg shells, predictable unpredictability. These videos help clear the fog so to speak, to understand these behaviours to clear the confusion so we can be self accountable to Avoid the pitfalls moving forward ~
I’ve gone no contact. I am beyond hurt and no longer wish to fix or have a relationship with her.
I am my own mother and father. No need for them.
I call it “being dropped on my head”. My Mom ran so hot and cold. Then I married a man like her. They hated each other for the way the other one treated me! Now THAT was nutty! I divorced my husband, went no contact with my mom, spent 7 years in therapy and worked half my career as a psych nurse. Today, I am happy with a loving family. My advice to everyone who has had to deal with this is that the best you can do is to find a good therapist and DO YOUR WORK. It is work to get healthy, but it is SO worth it. My best wishes go to each and every person dealing with a BPD person in their lives. ❤
Hi Dr Kim Sage… My mother is one.. I was told by my doctor that I had been seeing for many years..As well she’s a narcissist also.. My two sisters walked away from her 30 years ago.. So I ended up helping my mother after my dad had died.. Two years ago I put my mother in a nursing home, which she told the doctor that she hated me for it.. She was 98 years old then, and had memory loss… She’s still going strong at 100 years old now… Since my mother been in a nursing home, I have had peace for the first time thank goodness….
Stay blessed. I don't mean to talk about anyone but it seems the people who cause the most havoc to others in life life live the longest.
And it can be VERY volatile & chaotic when friends/family/parents w these serious personality disorders hide behind vip titles like Doctor or Psychologist.
@@lcclark1307 So true and many of them hold those titles. Great point.
Are you positive she is BPD? because they don't live long lives normally. She may have been CPTSD they are extremely close but different, a person with CPTSD is usually raised by a BPD.
Only the good die young.
It’s underdiagnosed because they refuse to be assessed/evaluated.
Also because many therapists are afraid to trigger a BPD Rage episode through giving the diagnosis. I know when my mom was first diagnosed, she exploded in the therapists office and that therapist was so frightened that they would never see her again.
The one trait that you didn’t mention was “splitting” where other people in their lives would instantly turn from the best angelic person in the world to the evil demon and they try to get everyone else to see their viewpoint and will say outrageous things about others in an attempt to get people “on her side”. We noticed that these traits were greatly amplified when she drank.
It was said at the beginning.
that "taking sides" behaviour flat out terrifies me. It is so sinister. It lacks any sense of self awareness. I have experienced that too many times. Someone gets in a foul mood then fully expects you to fully knuckle under "or else". No thank you.
@@imaginempress3408 She spoke about you going from the good person to the bad person. I'm talking about how they treat other people outside the family and how they manipulate other people around them to also go along with the good person vs bad person theme.
@@blaster-zy7xx it sounds like narcissistic behavioe
@@user-do8yg3qx3h Yes, plenty of that too. It was all a mixed bag added to by the alcoholism.
Left home at 16 .... couldn’t take her undiagnosed boarderline .
54 now.... just seeing what and how this effected my life and my children’s life.
On my path of recovery, hope all children will do the same.
Love and light to all❤️💡💫
❤️❤️❤️
Same here!
Same here
Looking back do you understand how it was NOT in your mom's control ? And do you have a relationship with her seeing she is your mother and we only get one🤷
Like you, I'm now 54 and have just realized the damage my mother has inflicted on me. I feared that beast of a woman as a child and kept her at a distance as an adult. As a child, I knew something was wrong with her and gave her room as best as possible. Regardless of how well I stayed out of her way, she would still find me and release her rage. I have not spoken to her in two years due to her abusive nature, lies, and gaslighting. She has been the most damaging person in my life.
I wish the best for everyone that's on the path to recovery. It's not easy, but we are all taking the proper steps.
My mother had borderline personality disorder. One thing I would like to see studied more is intestinal issues with borderline. I remember my mother often had bloating, gas, upset stomach. As a psychotherapist now, every single person that I’ve worked with that does have borderline or borderline characteristics have mentioned stomach issues. I think it’s a very interesting connection to study.
Yes my bpd mom had lots of stomach issues and multiple major surgeries because of them! 🤔
I've seen this with people in my life who have mental health issues. The low FODMAP diet has helped those who have tried it.
Well observed.
have you heard of the RCCCX theory.
Talks about various mental illness and cross over illnesses such as IBS, connective tissue disease, autism etc etc. Very interesting
oh WOW! thats my BPD NPD Mom. always constipated, lactose intolerant and bloated
Not my mother. She was pretty healthy. And impulsive, and explosive, and inconsequent, and ... . I never had the impression food had an impact on her. She ate quite healthy in general though.
A bipolar friend of mine however had his first psychosis when he was on a holiday when he was 19. And when I asked if there was maybe only vegetarian food there, he confirmed (he is not vegetarian). He said that he didn't believe there was a link between the food and the psychosis.
Later, when I met him, we had a very good and constructive contact for a few months, untill he started OMAD (one meal a day), and he changed completely. All of a sudden I couldn't say anything anymore that didn't irritate him, and his responses were very quick, absolute, selfcentered, some things he said were also mean. I was completely perplexed at the change of character.
This is/was me as a mother. I’ve tried to heal and be honest with my adult children so they can heal and not pass the family dysfunction forward to the next generation. Life is so difficult for me but I don’t want others to suffer the way I do.
Respect❤
Respect, too. You are certainly a huge step above most BPD mothers- At least you're aware & apologized to your kids.
U r a hero! Keep the self searching alive!🎉
@@FOCHS5 hero..? That’s like sewing up a cut on someone’s arm that you just sliced - then being called a hero.
Mrs America….no. It’s like beating the hell outta someone then taking them to the hospital and waiting for the police to come and arrest you because you know you’ve done wrong and you want to CHANGE! Angry much?
This was so me as a mom. I'm amazed my kids came out as well as they did even after their 15 years of drug abuse. I did a lot of healing through the 12 step program and some good therapists. Today I have a great relationship with my kids.
That's so encouraging and hopeful, thank you for sharing ❣
Thank you i love hearing hopeful stories
you're amazing. I've seen very few women take responsibility for themselves. I salute you for your honesty and courage.
Nice of you to be self aware, take responsibility and get help. ❤ I wish you and your family the best 😊
Omg. You owned it!!! ❤❤❤
Way to self reflect and take ownership. What a beautiful thing.
My BPD mother has never let the word sorry cross her lips. To me or anyone and she is like the grim reaper with her wrath and abuse. My husband has reflected, as a spectator to her behaviour, that she appears to have lived her life unchecked and with no consequences for her actions. We just adapt and flex around her moods. However, at 54 I have adopted a no contact approach. So she has found consequences, even if it took to her being in her 70s
This sounds exactly like my story about my Mum. I also decided to go no contact with her 2 years ago after 50 years of her toxicity, alcoholism and other co-morbidities. She never says sorry, will not seek any treatment, has zero insight and I am the 'bad daughter' and always have been. She abandoned me years ago, and even after a very serious injury for me, she didn't give a shit or get in touch.
I can honestly say at 51 years old (she's 74) it was the best and healthiest decision I've ever made. I'm reclaiming myself and my own life, and learned self-compassion.
Thank you for this video and your work 😊
I'm glad you gave a limit.
They never say sorry
No physical contact i just send them gifts with love so it reduces them demonising me so much to others when I'm not there..Distancing one's self is the start to healing for me from a life time of gaslighting and no parental responsibility for their abusive behaviour. This is my journey at 57
Isn't she a covert narcissist then? It sounds more like it to me. Bpd have empathy and feel sorry but covert narcissits do not and have mood swings
My mother has 9 of 9. She’s textbook BPD. Me and my siblings have never been close because she would put us against each other. After all of us went no contact with her in our 20s and 30s we finally talked and realized what she did to all of us. 30 years I could have had a closeness with my siblings 😢
Omg. My mom pitted us kids against each other too. As adults we “compared notes” and realized we didn’t hate each other, she had pitted us against each other.
I've always been mystified by families that functioned like that.
My mom pitted us against each other too. She also labeled us. I was the ignored, invisible middle child. My older sister was the perfect one who had to be perfect at all times. My other sister was the black sheep and was to blame for everything. And my brother was the golden child that could do no wrong. Decades have passed and we still don't get along. I tried reaching out to them but the disdain and contempt is strong, and none of them want anything to do with each other.
Sorry for you! Our moms suck. But think about this, at least you have siblings to share the trauma lol 😭
Your mother is probably a narcissist like mine. Manipulations are not a trait of BPD, and narcissists certainly pit their children against each other. This is done for control to be able to play them both (golden child, scapegoute).
i am coming up on 3 years of no contact with my borderline mother. it was the most difficult decision I've ever made but by going no contact I have finally felt like I can begin to heal from all the trauma I endured well into adulthood. thank you for publishing these videos, I will share with family and friends who want to learn more about the situation.
Thank you for sharing this - I am making a no contact video soon and would love for you to comment with anything you think is important too on that topic -if you get a chance!!
@@DrKimSage thank you Dr. Sage, I'll be looking out for it!
Matthew, I empathize with you. I'm going through the same thing with my mom. I have very little contact with her and I'm alot happier and healthier for it.
@@pilarg5292 best wishes
Aqà
Oh my goodness this is spot on. We never had a great relationship when I was a child. I was in and out of abusive households throughout my entire childhood. I ran away a few months before turning 18 just to get away from it all. A couple years later I became pregnant with my first baby so I tried to make it work and it got worse. She became instantly jealous of my mother in law. My mother in law has now passed on and she is still jealous that I am mourning the loss even after 7 years she is jealous that I take her flowers, etc. She will fly off the handle if I do not do what she wants when she wants. She will get so mad if I do not drop what I'm doing for her. She has told me, "watch who you're talking to I am your mother" when I've sat boundaries. For my mental health and to protect my children, I've had to go no contact.
Bravo!!!
Wow! Thanks for validating my childhood!! It's like you witnessed my toxic relationship with my mom. I feel seen and heard. ❤
I left home at age 9. My mom would unpredictably switch from caring, loving to angry, hateful in a blink of an eye. Other times, she was empty, very depressed, suicidal. All unpredictable and needing a lot of proof of my love. Enmeshment feeling. It was love and pity atmosphere. Taking care of her and making sure she feels loved and that I'll never leave was very important to her. Walking on eggshells and being ready for any mood swing was basically my life around her. It took a lot of space and energy, leaving very little for me to grow as a child. It was about making her comfortable and happy most of the time. I couldn't express my feelings or thoughts as they were secondary to hers. She tried to commit suicide several times. Her last fear was to die alone.... which she didn't because I was there. Interesting now that I understand this condition better. Not surprised that I prefer to live alone so I can deal with my own needs.
Where did you go to at age 9 ?
Sounds exactly like my mother. I too prefer to live alone I am easily drained by other other people. Unfortunately I keep having bad luck with neighbours it's like wherever I go there is someone with similar patterns to a degree that keeps taking the sun away. Feels like a curse
I left my home at 16. I couldn’t take any more of her abuse and unstable behaviors. I thought it was bipolar disorder since she was hospitalized a few times and that was the diagnosis. Thank you for this video. I have learned so much.
This is my mother. She never changed, she doesn't acknowledge any bad behaviour. I didn't know what was wrong, but I left very late because I felt responsible for her. Then, I moved to a different continent.I studied psychotherapy and I read The Borderline Mother, that's when I understood what happened. I wish all Borderlines could find a bit light into their lives.
Good for you! Moved to another continent wow.
Did you go no contact?
@@nitz3012 I love her. And I forgive everything. I talk to her every week. In fact, I feel like if weren't for the experiences I had, I wouldn't take on that journey that I'm now. I believe that everything in life has a reason to be. It might sounds contradict, but that's what I feel.
My mom is now passed away, but you described her to a tee. My sister, also deceased was a more extreme version of my mom. And I think I understand now I need some help to make heads or tails of the relationship I had with them both. They left a lot of scars on me for sure.
I am praying my mum dies soon.
My mom's BPD's got better with her menopause starting. I think there's a link between hormones, neurotransmitters and chemical balance in the brain responsible for this disorder.
It would make sense; there are a number of both physical & mental conditions that fluctuate or make more lasting shifts as body chemistry fluctuates/shifts.
I've said of my mum over the last 7-ish years (even amid my enforcing a no-contact period about 4 years ago) that she's "mellowed with age" in certain ways (not always consistently, she reverts under external stresses or periods of not having a crisis she can fix...well, fixate on). Before this comment, I mostly attributed that "mellowing" to her somewhat growing out of/letting go of some of her more moralistic/casually-American-Conservative thinking...probably partially due to being routinely exposed to more young people (that weren't me or my younger sister, heh) & more (sometimes *much* more) progressive academics as her line of work changed...
But, now that I think about it, entering menopause may have also played a role on the biochemical side of things.
Thanks for sharing, @MagicPrincessGigi. Hope you & she are doing better/well. 💜
Agreed! My mo stopped raging once she hit menopause. Now it's just mood swings and extreme jealousy of others + inability to get a long w anyone other than myself. It manifests differently post menopause I think.
I agree
Exactly
Diagnosed or diagnosable cases of BPD and NPD in early life are pretty commonly subclinical or even undetectable by the later stages of a person's life.
I believe my mom had BPD. Was never diagnosed and not treated. She passed in 2021. This is a great video and is helping deal with everything. She was the most generous, loving mom and then exhibited some scary, fast moving behavior.
Btw I was born in the 1950’s. My mom went to a psychiatrist for a while, to “get her off alcohol” because that was the only problem any of the adults focused on, and no one looked or knew to look deeper
I'm pretty sure my mom had BPD, but she self-medicated with drugs her entire life. So she unknowingly did her best to hide or mute the more extreme symptoms of her disorder. But man, her biggest fear was me leaving her...she would tell me all the time from as young as 7 or 8, "don't ever leave me." And then I left for college, and she just stopped putting effort into her life. But I also have BPD and inherited her aggressive fear of abandonment. Her death was like the worst abandonment imaginable. Nothing about our relationship or my feelings can be described as uncomplicated.
😢 heavy. And in between the branches you had each other. Forgive yourself for being angry at her and abandoning her. It happens. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a good heart. As a matter of fact it shows that taking care of yourself was taking care of her. For when we are better we do better.
I went to treatment at 40. Binge drinking to cope with years of anxiety dating back to as early as I have memories. Despite my childhood traumas (which I refused to acknowledge but obviously deeply affected me) I became an overachiever and drove myself nuts so to speak attempting to please others and gain affirmation, namely from my mom. One of the hardest things I have ever done was call my mom from treatment. The first thing she said was “what did I do so wrong?”…not how are you or what can I help you with. No-one knew how bad I was hurting inside as I was pretty skilled at compartmentalizing.
Took me years to put that nonsense on the shelf of seeking affirmation from her. Just the other day, I sent her some art that I created and she managed to make it about her…I know how far I’ve come when my reaction was hmmm…interesting 🤔. I love her but no longer wish for that which cannot be provided. It’s hard but can be done
Your mom sounds like she's got some narcissistic tendencies too. I'm so sorry.🥺
I have a very very similar story with my mom...
Cannot trust them with “anything”! They say they love you without any emotion what so ever. Yet, they act, and talk to you the opposite. One minute it’s I love you, the next minute she is screaming at you, the next moment, they are blaming you for everything, or shaming you. You can’t win, so to speak. So you pull back, and just don’t talk, and we’re the bad guy. It’s a roller coaster. All we ever wanted was to be truly loved. We were not allowed to have emotions, or express our feelings. Hope that makes sense. I’m have to live with mine. It’s very difficult. She talks horribly about her children, even to us. She didn’t cry when my sister died. Said, she better off. Sexually molested me, and my sister. Denied it. Her boyfriend, she was cheating with tried to kill me when I was. She denied it.
Sounds like yr mum is a narcissist.
@@ginahenley3694 well said multiple personalities. Run forest run
My grandma is undiagnosed Borderline. When I was younger, I knew she had some kind of issue that no-one in the family seemed to want to talk about. Finding the definition of borderline made everything so clear to me. My mom obviously can't admit this and in general denies that anything dysfunctional in the family exists.
Clever you ! Stay rooted in the truth even thought your mother can’t acceot it
that is so frustrating, i have a mother rooted in denial. She is delusional.
I felt like I was reading my own life! My grandma def had to have bpd. We all lived in the same house. My grandparents on the first floor, and mine on the second. Her mood swings in a day were insane! I always knew something was wrong, but everyone else was in denial. She manipulated everyone around her, but my mom the most! Even now that my grandma has passed, my mom still can’t admit that something wasn’t quite right. My mom also has some narcissistic traits that was modeled by my grandma. I said to myself last week “you know Michelle, after having the upbringing you had, you really did turn out decent!”. But man, it felt like I was drowning growing up! I just kept myself locked up in my room so depressed. I’m glad I was able to make it out alive!🙏🏻
@@michiekisses143
Manipulations are more characteristic of narcissists and sociopaths. BPD is more about PTSD, not being able to deal with their emotions in the moment and outbursts of anger, but not because they are cynical like sociopaths or manipulative, hateful and jealous like narcissists. To understand what BPD is, imagine that he took part in the Vietnam War and carries that level of stress with him.
Probably most of them are "undiagnosed" as they always reject to visit any psychologists,psychiatrists and any kind of teraphy...
I was briefly dx’d BPD until they realized it was actually CPTSD. The problem with even a withdrawn label... at least in my remote, small-town corner of the world ... is that as soon as people in medical practice (such as GPs or ER staff) see that initial diagnosis, they look no further. I have gone to ER with some common physical complaint, seen a nurse or doctor flip through my records, and been dismissed, often with a scolding. The scorn, judging, and being treated like an annoying child is, to say the least, extremely triggering. Small wonder I rarely seek medical attention, which has been unfortunate, given the aggressively disabling condition which could so easily have been recognized decades ago if someone had bothered to look.
understood
I suffered sexual abuse between 2 - 6 years which messed up my life, no boundaries learned, anorexia at 12, panic disorder, depression etc given Valium at 12 and still take a benzo to this day (61). At some point after I had sought help I was diagnosed with BPD. I wasn’t aware of this. I suffered other traumas in adult life, unsafe relationships. I had/have a daughter who I love unconditionally. She found out eventually about my past and I mentioned BPD. She took that on board.
I had quite a lot of therapy via NHS but it was unhelpful. At 50 I finally found a private Psychologist who worked with me. By this time my daughter had relationships issues with her husband and became really off with me and made reference to her having a Mum with BPD and it must have caused her problems. It seems that I have cPTSD with some dissociation and I agree with that.
But I can’t lose the BPD diagnosis and when last year I asked for help from NHS I was told my needs were too complex so no. I contacted places they suggested in their letter to me, but they all said no.
My point is that obviously diagnosing anyone with any mental health condition is very difficult, but once someone way back writes BPD then you’re treated differently or not at all.
I’ve read a lot about BPD and would say I have always feared abandonment but for good reason, my relationships (2 ex husband’s) were toxic because of abuse and control by one and the other was an alcoholic and used drugs at times, so very unhealthy.
I never raged at or was nasty to my daughter just the opposite. But obviously I was trying to heal myself and it was difficult. How would I or anyone get the diagnosis of BPD removed from one’s notes and a more correct one noted instead especially when it’s been made privately?
@@sallysampson628 It is sadly stigmatized and yet there was one channel where I saw this brilliant man giving an impassioned speech about the borderline, they have suffered and are sensitive, they have been tormented and they have the souls of angels it seems. I grieve for what you have gone through, and at the unconscionable monsters who invaded your sacred life. May you be blessed with a future of great luck.
@@sallysampson628 Good question, and there are laws out there to protect people from others slandering them, etc., and misdiagnosis if you can find other more qualified people to override then you could ace it - find some one way more qualified and they will help you clear it up and a human rights lawyer as well ~
Thank you for creating this video. Almost my entire life, I was busy fulfilling my abusive mother's needs. One therapist told me my mother sounded like a person with BPD who scored high on antisocial personality disorder traits. One therapist told me my mother sounded like a narcissist of the malignant type. My cluster B mother set up the entire biological family against me. After her passing away, I had no choice but to walk away from the biological family. My mother demanded me to be with her every day, and even then called me multiple times a day. She threatened suicide a lot, but also felt justified in trying to kill me, when she felt personally attacked (which happened very quickly). Not seldomly, she made subtile but clear death threats to me, and had a sadistic smirk on her face. There were moments where I looked at her and saw a wounded little girl. Especially at night. She always wanted me to stay the night with her in bed, but made it look like I was the one who needed that. One therapist mentioned my mother needed me more than I needed her. My mother told me short before she passed away: 'I keep telling others that I can't accept that you are not like me.' My response to this was: 'If you are still not able to accept me for who I am, then you never will.' To which my mother responded with 'I believe you are right.' My father was a detached, unkind, absent person who used me as a shield so my mother would abuse me instead of him. I've never felt any attachment towards him. On almost daily basis, my mother gathered us to announce divorce. Only years later, the divorce truly happened, and I remember feeling relieved that the fights would finally stop. My mother never allowed herself or her children to show tears. Unfortunately, I've always been the one who was bad at hiding their emotions, including tears. My mother tried to control me a lot, and if I dared to stand up against her, she for example threatened to send me to an institution. Pretending that she was calling that institution, then saying I was lucky because nobody picked up. I fell for this lie, every time. We could be shopping and then I started feeling overwhelmed and got moody, to which my mother reacted with rage, and then she left me there right at the mall, while screaming at me I should go find another mother. She had sadistic traits. On a birthday, I heard her say that she threw me across the room as a 2 year old kid, causing me to get injured. And then she laughed about it. But she would also do things like going out for dinner with me, and treat me as if I was her best friend. More and more, I begin to wonder if my mother was a malignant borderline with comorbid NPD. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and unofficially diagnosed with C-PTSD, and now there is a strong suspicion that because of the multiple traumas I suffered (not only by my cluster B mother), I have developed DID, for which I'll be visiting a therapist, soon. I think that every child who grew up with a cluster B parent suffered some kind of damage, and I wish healing for us all.
You deserve, yes DESERVE immense, incredible, gentle self care for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! What you endured breaks my heart. On the other hand, you survived it, which says something huge! I hope you find peace in pieces of life now. ❤
@@BobbiGail , Thank you so much, and I wish a peaceful life for you, as well! ❤️
I have heard that exact same line from my mother. I was 6 years old when she had one of her massive tantrums and told me I should get out of the house, go down the street, knock on doors and "find another mother". She was just screaming and screaming and screaming. I don't recall about what, but that is the first major blowup that I have in my memory banks. My father would sometime collect me and take me out someplace to get away including a smoky pool hall where he would drink and I would sit next to him on a barstool, my legs dangling (leaving my baby sister at home with unhinged mom). Now my sister does the same thing. I can't be around either of them.
I received Somatic Experience for my DID in 2007. It resolved my DID, permanently. I have been consistently happy and rational, ever since. EMDR works just as well. Be sure to find a QUALIFIED facilitator, not the therapist who took a weekend seminar. I received my treatment from EMPACT in Phoenix, AZ, which is federally funded. I hope you get your solution as soon as possible. 😊
So sad…
Someone who has bpd here 👋 the label of having bpd was very healing. Bpd is treatable. With DBT and intensive therapy, you can have stable relationships and a good life. It’s not easy work but it can be done.
I’m pretty certain my younger sister has BPD.
Everyone in the family always let her have her way, no consequences. I’m at a stage where I just can’t let things go anymore.
Often BPD comes from neglect and extreme abuse. So if only issue she had was because she had no consequences in her life most likely that was traumatic for her. Why she might have BPD.
This fits my sister to a "t." Used to think she was bi-polar, but you cleared that up by explaining that BPD "events" don't persist for days as bi-polar extremes will.
Excellent description of BPD. I was once married to the "worst borderline" that the custody evaluator for the El Paso County, Colorado, Family Court, Dr. Peter Howell, had ever seen in his 27-year career. My ex-wife assaulted one of our daughters in a fit of rage, then assaulted me. No self-control. Explosive rage. Totally unstable and unpredictable. To this day, my ex-wife still refers to the "wrath of a mother" when addressing our daughters.
My notes from this video: BPD impacts us how we see the world and our relationships even if we survive those. Collectively, we need to look at the good.
9 Criteria of BPD. You must meet 5 in order to be diagnosed, but this co exists with others.
1. Fear of abandonment - physical, emotional and mental abandonment. Can't live with her, can't live without her.
2. Unstable relationships
3. Identity Disturbance
4. Impulsivity - they don't have time to think about things.
5. Recurring suicidal behavior
6. Affective (?) Instability - their mood is all over the place. Sad, rageful etc.
7. Feeling Empty
8. Inappropriate displays of anger
9. Stressed induced psychosis
I wish people are open to treatment as it is not our job to treat others. It is our hope that we get to understand others that we may find healing ourselves.
Thanks, Dr. for the information!
Hi Dr. Sage, I'm interested in what happens when BPD is mixed with a super religious extremely personal tie to God. In my family experience, not only was the BPD person always right, God was on their side and had told them x or y. It was much much harder to face or refute than just the person.
My BPD mother fit this description.
Same here!!
You know she is living a lie. She uses “God” just like she uses everyone else. This does not define you. You can have a “true” relationship with God. My “forgiveness” to my mother is to let her live in her reality. I pay my tithing, read scripture and do service work. I don’t bother to show her she’s hurtful & fake. I’m lucky my mother is no longer in my church. I let her be. I stay out of her life.
I work retail and while I work almost every weekend it’s the BEST excuse to stay away from her at the holidays. Hope this helps.
This is why religion is so dangerous. The beliefs, no matter how destructive they are, can never be refuted, because how can you argue against a God that you can't see or hear? You can make anyone believe anything.
Same!!
I am 100% certain my wife has BPD but she refuses to see professional help. Now that our son is grown & I am not needed to remain in the home I am leaving her.
So the separation or divorce is 100% her fault? Just asking maybe you should’ve insisted on help? Therapy.. good luck..I do get it though!
Now I have a Lable for what was going on in my childhood "home" from 3-13 years old. My birth mother was a homicidal woman. This is not being hyperbolic. The neighbors saw that she was severely disturbed. One even called Child Protective Services (51A) (CHINS), (Child In Need Of Services)
It was a horror show the first
19 years surviving her explosive rages.
BPD answers alot of questions a lot of people had about her behavior, moods and words in the 70s and 80s. It's a miracle I survived that Tornado Parent.
Going no contact for over 20 years has been a necessary psychological boundary for me.
Thank you Dr Kim for showing me what was actually going on with that Cluster B Personality Disordered birth parent.
I am so sorry you endured all of that - I know I say that a lot, but it truly is so painful and something we are forced to feel, on some level, throughout our lives- both in childhood and adulthood - no matter what we do, some part still exists, I know.
I can relate to all that. This was a good necessary video. These mothers are doing so many things that harm their children irreversibly and I’ll never understand how any parent can be this cruel and evil
My mother definitely suffered from something, what you're describing describes her. She's been passed away now for 2 years and my only sister and I talk a lot about how people don't believe us when we talk about how incredibly moody she was behind closed doors. She could turn on the charm with neighbors and church friends etc But in the home she had an explosive temper, she often spoke of suicide and she was very hyperfocused and obsessive over bizzare things.
My sister and I have accepted that no one is ever going to believe us and also that they don't have to, it's not our job to wreck her legacy for those that think she was wonderful, and there were times where she could be wonderful but she was also Incredibly stressful to live with. I know now that I'm pretty sure that parentification definitely happened to my mom. She would tell me a lot that she didn't get a childhood and she would have to come home from school and help my grandmother because there were 13 children to take care of and Im wondering if the parentification could have caused her adulthood BPD or whatever issue she had?
that sounds so hard
I know what you mean. It IS difficult for people to believe until they've gotten a treatment themselves.
Narcissistic parents cause BPD in their child. Having BPD is the stress level equivalent of being in the Vietnam War. There is a study done and they found no difference between PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and BPD.
My ex displayed pretty much all the BPD traits. I really feel for her kids, they deserve a more stable and calm childhood.
My dad could be the poster boy for this disorder. No "fixing" is possible, just need to position yourself so that you need absolutely NOTHING from them and can simply walk away at the drop of a hat. Over fifty and I am finally feeling that i have "rounded the corner" and the major part of it is me not feeling any need whatsoever in "working things out" in any way. Just walk away. It's the only way, and it is perhaps the most satisfying feeling I have ever had.
the strange thing is that Dr Sage says they have some deep fear of abandonment... yet they sound like they behave in ways tp frighten and terrify people to the point where there no relief until the child, or person does indeed walk away. The irony. Are you faring better now?
I'm the mother of a borderline, and it's exhausting. My husband and I are afraid of her. We never know what mood we will get. I think she's a severe case but won't get help.
Both my mother and daughter are borderline .
I myself have PTSD because of their abuse.
Both my brother who is a psychologist and my therapist say it may be genetic.
My mother has said she hated me.from the day I was born.
My daughter screams the most vile names at me. At this time she hasn't talked to me.for 7 months because I refused to tell disability I need to move in with her because my Parkinson's has gotten to where I can't take care of my self. So she can save her house in her divorce
Called me selfish and hung up.
Is willing. to have me lie and face prison.
WOW.... I knew there was more to my mom than bipolar....this was mixed up with the bipolar that got worse with age..... I'm 53 and at peace that we've not spoken for 10 years. I pray for her and know she's taken care of.... I thank God that by His grace I made it out, found a wonderful husband and we raised a beautiful boy.... Jesus really healed my soul and gave me the strength to be the best possible woman I can be, but I am on a continuous journey to be the best that I can be and to live my purpose. Thanks for the insightful video 🌻🦋🇿🇦
Oh my GOD this is my Mum!
She has nine of the 9 traits!
No wonder my Mum and I have such a rollercoaster relationship ever since I was a child!
It has been an absolute nightmare with this Love Hate relationship
So confusing for me
Thank you so much Dr Kim for your videos about Mums with BPD who don’t even know that they are 9/9 of the traits!!!
9 Signs of *Borderline Personality Disorder* :
1.) Fear of Abandonment
2.) Unstable Relationships
3.) Identity Disorder
4.) Impulsivity
5.) Suicidal Behavior
6.) Mood Instability
7.) Emptiness
8.) Inappropriate Anger/Rage
9.) Stressinduced Dissociation
Me👋🏼👋🏽
Thx. I find these list so helpful. 🧡 Context is important to my understanding and retention...expecially with difficult subjects like this one.
My mother had bpd. She manifested every single one of these traits during her life, some on an almost a daily basis. Having a borderline mom was far and away the worst experience of my life. Nothing else comes close.
Try a narcissistic mother.
@@angelinag4116 I can imagine that Narcissists are worse, since they border on psychopathy. Thank God I was spared that.
@@angelinag4116 A covert narcissist mother is the worst because in public she's this lovable & seemingly angelic person , but behind closed doors she's a twisted & malicious witch that knows that society, the community & anyone else will side with her when we report her mistreatment of us to them
Believing this disorder is very much underdiagnosed is when I'm out. It's ridiculously overdiagnosed and misdiagnosed. Thankfully you said this before 30 seconds in.
If they feel like a shell, can go from happy to instant rage, you feel like you never know what you are going to get and are walking around on eggshells, they give you silent treatment, never apologize, and when you first meet them literally become a mirror of you - RUN and never look back.
Honestly I've met a few acquaintances that I suspected were suffering from BPD. They had the emotional maturity of a toddler. It was irrational, scary and intense. I slowly back out of the room and just disappear. It is very scary.
My friend displayed all these traits and behaviors and it was extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with her. I never understood what it was until I learned about BPD
My mother has BPD and my father has NPD. The worst thing my mom did, she told me as a child that she had poisoned herself becasue me and my sister were bad kids. She also dropped us off at a homeless shelter when we were 6 and 7 years old. The worst thing my dad did, he told me that you can apply pressure to someone's neck arteries, while they're asleep, for about 15 seconds to starve their brain from oxygen. He said that the post mortem report will read it as a stoke, as long as you're gentle enough when applying pressure. He was a highly educated medical specialist. I was very protective of my mother. It took me 37 years to accept that both my parents were ill.
I’m almost 40 and I’m just now realizing my mom has borderline. It makes so much sense looking back on my childhood.. it’s very sad, her mom was very narcissistic I think and her grandmother was legit crazy
I have been labelled BPSD,
I had no idea what this box contained.
Those who label professionally public clients with emotionally bottomed-out physiological agony.
Should think hard about a label given
It may create further distress for a depressed person, it can also be so way off-target it's damage done with consequences
For the boxed.
The label is clamped to the medical history in every referral forever.
Labels can kill.
I’m pretty sure this was my mom, she just seemed to have a complete mental breakdown when we were younger. She loved me so deeply and hated me and hates me until this day so passionately. It’s totally hit or miss with her. She a closet pill popper, who knows what she’s on and she has no money but spends in a wild proportion to what she has. All of her relationships have broken down. I’m the only one who has hung in there but it’s really tough. And now I’m realising my sister is even worse off psychologically than my mother. I’ve had to recently stop engaging with my sister because the pain of her unpredictability was too much.
I have been searching for information about this exact topic. My mother died when I was 17, I’ve always wondered how I might understand BPD because my gut feeling is she had it. However, her severe alcoholism and my intricate connection with her makes it hard for me to feel like I can look from the objective view. I’m glad I found your channel
I’ve been researching this and so many other disorders, since I’ve gotten out of therapy. The more I educate myself, the more I’m stunned. My mother fits 8 of the 9 traits for a Clinical Diagnosis of Borderline; the only one that wasn’t wholly applicable was the “fits of rage/anger,” it was more like extreme fits of tears accompanied by withdrawal and severe “pouting” - anger was there, but it wasn’t “scary” - it was more like, “good grief here we go again.” All of my siblings and I have referred to “the way she is” as “you know how mom gets.” And we all know what we mean, we never have to explain it to each other. Yet…when I chose to get therapy and started down the path of being mentally healthy, not one sibling inquired or was interested in what I’d learned. They still haven’t, three years later. I’ve touched on the POSSIBILITY of our unhealthy family with two of what I use to think of as “safer” siblings and have been met with rejection each time. We absolutely had a borderline mom - oh, and a narcissistic father - and I had no clue until I was almost 50 years old. If there’s nothing else I’ve learned, that I would like to share with others, it’s to PAY ATTENTION. Thanks Dr. Sage! 🙏💜
Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you are possibly more in touch with your feelings and more self-aware than your siblings. I have had a very similar experience and it didn't change until my late 50's. They might one day finally come around and see your family dynamics with more accuracy, but for now it seems it's too close to home for them. However, you will probably always be stronger in this capacity. Once there is a big mental health crisis or event in your family, you might notice a shift. Also, the ego protects the self by creating blindspots in order to function. It's possible your sibs have developed protective egos and it sounds like you are further along than your sibs. Thanks again for sharing!
Unstable, I would say so, because they often are in relationships with narcissistic personality disordered folks who seek out relationships for what that person can do for them, while borderline seeks out relationship for what they can do for them. Match made in heaven!
I'm watching my first video ever on your channel and I am beyond grateful that I found this. I have untreated BPD. It's literally the most exhausting existence.
😮 I always suspected , but as i heard each criteria, it was confirmed about mom, but I forgave her a long time ago, bc I realized she really couldn't help it and I accepted that her generation was not that self -aware, or self -reflecting. I know my own recovery has been my own responsibility and it's ok. It took years, but it gets better. ❤❤❤ I also realized that her own childhood trauma was the driver, which gave me compassion for her. As I changed, she changed, which was the biggest surprise to me, and the best miracle.
I remember my best friend’s mom was these behaviours. He would hear the garage door go and he would suddenly, and desperately start cleaning his house. I always found it disconcerting as my family was so calm, encouraging, and joyful. Later found out my family were just happy functional alcoholics. Blame Dean Martin.
As I have journeyed through my various mental health issues, I always seemed to remember that feeling of seeing my buddy react to his BPD mom. Our kids have journeyed with us and have a safe place to come to us if they have troubles of the mind… or, anything. We often watch your vids together, or I’ll send them links about religious trauma, etc… it has actually become a wonderful thing realizing the different ways we are all damaged and on our journey towards inner peace.
Thank you Kim for sharing your accurate research with compassion healing and sensitivity. I have been doing the internal trauma work for a year now. I does help one get back to center (Vagal State).
You and Deb Dana are remarkable healers with your trauma research.
You are so kind and knowledgeable. Keep doing the monumental work that you do online. Blessings to you and your family. I'm truly grateful for your insights.
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS ANSWER ALL OF MY LIFE! Thank you for putting the pieces of my puzzle together in less than 15 minutes, by minute 6 I was smiling while crying and thinking OMG, yes! It all makes perfect sense.
Saving this video for when my nephew is over 18 and i can start talking to him honestly about his horrible mom
Yeah same send to nephew. He moved out got married and bought a house he could barely afford all in one day. Mom thought he would live with her forever! 5 years and mother is still reeling from this!
Praying 🙏
Thank you sooo much for making these videos! They are so helpful in trying to understand my mother and my upbringing. You are doing great work.
My mother was probably the extreme version, yet she could also be bigger than life (incredibly beautiful, too). I was no contact with her for a few years due to her jealousies and emotionally traumatizing my kids...and me. As with any BPD parent/family there is a lot of dysfunction and I think my sister and her kids (now adults) are BPD which really makes me sad. I started having panic attacks about my mom because I was always there for her to pick up the pieces and care for her and suddenly I wasn't and it caught up with me. One of my biggest fears was her dying as she threatened this often and even had cemetery plot people come to the door and have me answer it. This was the dominant feeling I had when I went NC - that she was dying or died. I re-connected with her but she was so under the spell of the smear campaign mentality that it was very difficult and my mother was stranger. I had my husband be the buffer when she would be triggered. She had not been taking care of herself, was much older and needed family to care for her so this is what we did even though it was often times traumatizing to be around her. Then she started declining cognitively very quickly and in and out of the hospital 10 times in a year. Apparently, people with BPD have a higher incidence of dementia than the average person because they have brain injury from their childhood trauma. She had to move to a memory care place and she was having a lot of raging and depression. I was afraid that they would kick her out but dementia and BPD have very similar overlapping symptoms interestingly enough so they considered this part of that. 6 months in and my mother re-entered the hospital for 30 days and I stayed with her every day 5 hours a day and I have to say, this was the best choice as we were able to re-establish the love again and make peace. Before she died, she told me I was the best daughter she could have asked for and that she loved me so much. While it hurts very deeply and children of BPD parents experience a very complicated grieving process (good and very bad memory recall), to leave me with that message and peace was the greatest gift she ever gave me. It's such a rough road healing from these parents. I think life-long. I feel a great deal of relief knowing that my mother is no longer suffering emotionally or physically.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with your mom. It sounds like a very painful and complicated journey for you, but also one that ended with some peace and healing. I think the word really is "complicated" with parents with BPD and I believe exactly what you shared is often the hard part, because there is a beautiful and loving part inside for them, but many times it just stays out of sight or not present enough because of their struggles. And yet, it also is quite devastating for us as their children. I am sending you love and healing today.💜🙏🙏
I am dealing with my evidently uBPD mother's death as well...and it's exactly as you say, sometimes memories are good and sometimes bad...sometimes I feel relief and sometimes I feel sad. Above all, I feel so sorry for what her hard life was. It all made sense when I discovered she must have been BPD. Too bad it was too late for her, it might have helped her to know. And yes, her almost last words to me were to tell me how highly she thought about me...I like to think that that's what she thought about me when the disease did not take too much hold of her.
😊
I don't think she was BPD because sociopaths create BPD children.
After reading most of the comments here, yours is the first/only one that shows care for the childhood trauma that made your mom have BPD. Thanks for sharing. This is SO important, as we are ALL broken humans, in some shape or form. 🙏
I absolutely love your work Dr Sage.
The well research content, non-judgemental delivery and the compassionate tone+ relaxed pacing really works for me. Have a good evening
Thank you so much Bill!!
Really helpful and clarifying. Thank you @Dr.Sage. While 5+/9 would be very stressful, any of these emotionally unstable characteristics are tough to deal with, especially when you are a child and the adults around you, who are supposed to be in control of protecting you, exhibit them.
I’m grateful for myself and my family that no one had BPD, yet I still felt like I had to take care of grownups, who from time to time demonstrated just a couple of these tendencies. And as I’ve often explained to my mom now that I’m an adult, too, whatever may have seemed scary for a grown-up can be terrifying for the child standing by. We don’t have the benefit of life perspective but we do grow up very fast when our parents don’t step up to take care of things in a positive, prompt, and healthy way.
Oh my, this is wild how spot on you have described my mother! 😅
Thank you for this eye opening video. ❤
My family always knew something was wrong with my Dad. At age 8, His mother died and His alcoholic father passed Him around from relative to relative during the great depression.For some reason His only sibling a girl was placed with relatives but He wasnt. He finally went back to His Dad and His Dad beat Him up.
I heard about this from Relatives, not Him.
My older sister figured out this is what He had. It was unbelieveable growing up as His daughter, one of 5 kids. I was afraid every day with Him.
He was everyones friend, except His family. I just tried to be invisible, thats how I coped.
I know this is about borderline Moms but I lived this with a Dad.
No one would believe what happened behind closed doors,its just too hard to explain unless you lived it.
This is soo helpful and can guide us into not labeling things like this as narcissism.
Thank you, Dr. Sage for your wisdom.
I feel you all Beloved.
Healing my own wounds by taking responsibility for what I have control is key to my freedom from the trauma bond from my mom and dad who’s passive like a stranger around me.
It gets better now as they both taught me to love myself unconditionally, reparent my inner child, not abandoning myself, and have boundaries that protects me as an adult.
I can only accept that this is a gift that brought wholeness as I remember who I am at the core of my being. ❤
Blessings everyone.
Remember you are Sovereign and powerful enough to protect yourself from the old patterns of generational trauma. It takes courage to confront the suppressed beliefs, lies, unprocessed negative emotions and unhealthy ways of coping from difficult situations.
You alone can help heal yourself through the support of a safe and healthy professionals, coaches, and positive people to support you. ❤
I feel all of this! My mom’s father was an awful alcoholic and treated her and her siblings like they were scum. I’m an only child and my Dad wasn’t around, so I got the brunt of her wrath. I learned as a small child that I was to behave a certain way and go with the flow when the rules changed. I was hit and emotionally punished when I did things wrong. She continued to emotionally abuse and manipulate me well into adulthood. The enmeshment was toxic AF, and I wasn’t allowed to be my own person. But she even hated the person i pretended to be so she would love me. I couldn’t win. My romantic relationships have always suffered from having my own traumas and I consistently pick emotionally abusive partners.
I finally went no contact almost 2 years ago (even though it was hard), and I’ve finally been able to start healing in ways I never could before.
I've been recently diagnosed with BPD, I'm 43 and a mother to three. Can't wait to hear your take on this.:)
Wow… every single one matched my mother. I got chills.
Holy Cow, Dr Sage! This video has really shook me to my core. My Mom died in 1983 and all 4 of us siblings had issues with her. She could be incredibly nasty, angry, gave silent treatment, hit us etc. I felt that this was the way she was parented and eventually after her death, had to let it go. After seeing this video, I realize that I have some of these same traits that affected the relationship with my daughter. We do not speak - haven't for around 5 years. At 70, I am not sure what to do with all of this info but I feel better having watched this video. Thank you!
this is really really important and I personally believe its a crisis. My grandmother were most of these things. I watched her bully my mom. Then my mom had depression // learned helplessness // my mom would rage and such. So, I believe I have attracted several women in my dating life who have displayed the same traits.
Its a lot. And, I hope this gets more attention. Thank you for your videos.
Hi all! I wanted to put it all in one video in case you were unsure of the full clinical diagnostic criteria - especially in terms of what BPD might look like in a mom. There are some awesome BPD videos that do a great job of explaining, but I just receive so many emails and questions about the realizations so many people are having - their moms weren't just "difficult or challenging or even crazy.." they were likely suffering with a serious mental illness like BPD.
I just want you to know that it can be very common to have mixed emotions and mixed experiences with BPD moms, mostly because they do so want to be in relationship with others, they can be very loving, and given their high sensitivity, they can not only be great but also very greatly hurt - very easily.
And, that is exactly why I think so many wounded sons and daughters don't know why they feel such strongly positive and negative emotions toward their BPD parent - and also why they may have such strong emotional and mental struggles which go back to the core: attachment wounds.
Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, OCD and the list goes on....are so common in children with BPD primary caregivers.
❤️I am making several more videos on being an adult or teen child of a BPD mom...coming soon.
And, my next video in my Guided Journal series on Healing Shame in CPTSD -will be out soon!❤️
Hi I'm 16 years old and I think I have hoarding disorder, I dont know if you do anything with that but I am really struggling right now. :(
This comment should be pinned at the top.
Thank you for your great work. Have you perhaps got a video on what is the best way/ways of treating BPD?
I love the way you present & articulate information.
How gratifying to finally put a name to this and be understood as an adult victim .
Hi. This was really good. It would be super helpful if you did a video like this about the sub categories. My godson’s mother has petulant BPD. She’s also a covert narcissist. It would help him to be able to understand her illness.
Sue referred to him as her “little boyfriend”, when he was a tween. I told her how completely inappropriate this was and how unfair it was to him. It didn’t stop the behavior, though. Now he’s a young adult and lives far away, surely to get a break from her clinginess. He also experiments a bit too much with substances. I feel he does this because, though he’s far away from her, it’s his only escape from her tendrils.
She can’t keep friends, myself included, because of her combo illness. He’s stuck being the only remaining person.
Anyway, thank you for this video and all you do.
When I wake up I hold my breath to hear more clearly to hear if my parents are in a bad mood today.
Awe that feeling is awful
Not a way to live. Hope you can extricate yourself from that situation soon and live independently.
This completely describes my mother. So validating. I’ve been on this healing road for several years, but the validation always helps. 💜
Excellent synthesis of such a complicated diagnosis, you make it accesible 👍🏻 As a therapist, and having close relatives with it, studied it for years! Thank you doc👍🏻
My mom had BPD. 100%. I just realized that she was a person with challenges, but it really negatively affected my sister.
Same here. It drove my sister to suicide and left me with delayed EQ development, but I’m getting better.
100% my childhood to a ‘T’ .. thank you, finally an explanation
This describes my mother perfectly. I haven’t spoken to her (as her primary target) since 2002 because she has refused to speak to a psych professional. To this day, my brothers tell my father that she’s a nightmare, isolated and increasingly erratic in her behaviours. I feel bad for her, I love her, but I refuse to subject myself to the abuse that made me believe I didn’t deserve to exist growing up.
unfortunately, my granddaughter has a stepmother who has this. And her own mother is mentally fragile. She is in therapy now, age 11. Do not allow yourself to be abused now that you know and understand what happened. These people do not change. We are not born to be willing victims.
You described my mom. She has since passed away, but the scars she left behind on me keep me in therapy. Thank you for helping me see that she indeed must have struggled but didn't have anyone she could turn to to get the help she needed. I need to forgive her and move on.
This explains my mom perfectly! I thought it was NPD, but now I think it's BPD. They can mimic each other. She has a history of sexual abuse & I hear that personality disorders, especially Cluster B's are common in women who've been sexual abused.
Sexual abuse is very common in BPD patients. Borderlines also frequently have Narcissistic PD features. Comorbidity is common.
My mother was DIAGNOSED BPD, she was not the loving caring type, more like a military general, short orders, never any deep self analytic conversations, always short lived relationships often with violent outcomes and she was the violent one, also the most strange psychopaths of men. She also invited her kids(me and my sister) to actually involve in the this fighting, I recall she said "why are you standing there doing nothing, take this object and throw it at him"
What a wonderful video. Thank you for approaching this topic with compassion-it took me a long time to get there. My mom has (presumed) BPD and I was the oldest child of three (two younger brothers). My parents divorced when I was little and it was a very high conflict divorce which she dragged me into. Being the oldest and a girl I was naturally her right hand assistant, starting from a young age. It was very difficult and I have a lot of social anxiety and depression as a result. Now that we are both older, I’m hoping there is some hope for family therapy but it’s so hard to find someone with knowledge on BPD specifically. Also she’s very mistrusting and must be approached with compassion which she feels she won’t be with a therapist. I have hope we can make some progress, but who knows.
You seem wonderful!! I wish you could be our therapist
Wow. The breadth of your understanding is remarkable. Thank you for sharing your youtube channel.
Your work is tremendously helpful. Know that. 🙏🏼
Love your work! It is very helpful. Thank you.
My mom died in a nursing home in 1996 at age 80. In a first listening to your video, I scored Mom 4 out of 9. Not enough for a clinical diagnosis, I understand, but enough to do me some damage. Well into adulthood, I had difficulty relating to women. To make a long story short-I did not lose my virginity until I was past the age of 35! One therapist I consulted put it this way: My difficulty in relating to women arose from the fact that my first close encounter of the third kind with female humans on Planet Earth was not a happy one.
I’m jealous. I gave my V-card to the narcissist love of my life. My mom. Maybe not that last part lol. But I wish I kept my card for longer.
@@DrPhilGoode i can’t tell by the way this is written if you are joking or not.
@@Haywood-Jablomi I was basically saying that I also had negative and destructive behavioral tendencies that were linked to my mom’s dysfunction. But instead of keeping women at a distance, I was determined to give my V card to the most disordered woman I could find as fast as I could seek her out.
Thank you for what you do, no one ever held my mother accountable for anything in her life, it shows, and society will bend over backwards to forgive her for me.
Your videos have been helping me so much. I really appreciate you the way you deliver all of this knowledge, with such compassion for everyone involved. I feel this is lacking in a lot of content on cluster B disorders, it tends to be really vilifying of the person with the disorder. Which I totally get, it’s easy to hate a lot of the behaviors that people with these disorders display and kind of just see the person as the behaviors, but I think it takes a certain depth to be able to not default to that sort of attitude and see the person as a whole human being with a soul, while at the same time never minimizing how damaging their actions can be to those around them.
Thank you so much for sharing this, I agree with you. I know there is an appropriate and valid response of anger toward those who can be hurtful, but also I believe it does come from wounding and mental illness. Seeing whole human beings can be challenging sometimes, and balancing that against validating pain and condemning hurtful behavior can be a difficult balance here on RUclips. So, your comment was truly appreciated and valued.🙏🏻💕🙏🏻
My mom has undiagnosed BPD and it's been really hard.
The sad part is that fear of abandonment is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had to go no contact with my undiagnosed BPD mom. She had all of these attributes.
Thank you so much on every video you stare with us
..your aura is so bright,you are wonderful and your work is changing so many lifes❤
My mother probably checks all of those criteria but she is sure she is totally fine and everyone else is the problem
I’m not sure how I feel about labeling everyone these days. If you had difficult parents by all means get the help you need, but I see a lot of youth labeling their parents because they don’t get along with their parents. Is labeling everyone really necessary? Parenting is tough and we all make mistakes. I understand some adult’s struggles and need to heal from poor caretakers but I feel labeling is getting out of hand lately…. Esp because youth see all these labels on social media and they are owning labels that are just hormones, normal youth struggles.
My 22 year old son has labelled me pretty harshly and tries to get his 15 year old sister to see me likewise. But I have a brain and I can tell I've raised them reasonably well. It's super painful.
...THANKS FOR THIS HELPFUL LOOK AT THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR, ESPECIALLY IN "MOTHERS"... MY MOM WAS MOST LIKELY A "BPD" TYPE, ALTHOUGH NO ONE IN OUR FAMILY HAD EVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING. SHE'S LONG GONE, NOW,...BUT LOOKING BACK, I KNEW SHE HAD "ISSUES", AND WE KIDS ALL KNEW THAT SHE WAS EASY TO "TRIGGER", AND WAS QUITE "MOODY",.. .. IT'S SAD TO THINK THAT WE ALL SUFFERED BECAUSE OF IT.. I'M SURE IF AFFECTED EVERYONE IN OUR HOUSE, TO SOME DEGREE,... WOW!!!... INTERESTING STUFF!!
I appreciate you posting this type of video! So informative ❤
Hello Dr Kim...
This video is just what I needed to hear. It's all the things that are totally wrong with me. I am not a broken stupid uncontrollable depressed person, I just have a serious mental illness. I am in therapy and we only video chat now, but he is a very good therapist specializing in BPD.
But it still feels like I'm on a slow boat to China.
So here we are, the first Monday of our new year...last night before I went to bed I was planning on getting up early to a whole new day and attitude. Instead, I kept going back to sleep and ended up the day accomplishing nothing but depression for what a failure I am. Actually later in my disappointed day I had thoughts of suicide ideations... thinking though, I can't do it because I'd have to clean my house up first so my out of town sister and my estranged 26 year old daughter wouldn't have to clean up my messy house. I know I will never commit suicide, although today it surely was appealing to just make it all go away. I have been completely alone in my apartment except to go to the supermarket. I am extremely paranoid about Covid, as here in South Florida it is totally raging and the new mutation has been found. You always calm me down, gently and sincerely and explain what the plethora of emotions and behaviors I go through in all of my days are about. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...
Covid will eventually end and some kind of life will begin again. Until then, I'm hanging on a cliff with my finger nails...I always write too much to you, but I want you to know what your reassuring videos do for me...you give me a vision of sanity.
Thanks, Sheri
🤗💕 Don't stress about NOTHING there's assistance Beautiful for your Disability ssdi eligible bpd is neurological meds don't work other than cbds benzo's for anxiety an ambien as needed for sleep 🌸