You sound like you know exactly what this feels like! Which does sadden me, because it's not a feeling I wish for anyone. Thank you for voicing all of this and making it free!
I deceived myself for 60 years and stayed trauma bonded my entire life. I gaslighted myself into cptsd, depression and anxiety. I have worked really hard at understanding what happened as soon as I discovered that I wasn't imagining things every time I felt something was terribly wrong with my mother. At this point, she lives with me and I wonder how I ever survived as I now see things so clearly. At 91 years old, as I have begun to set my boundaries, she has begun a phase of narcissistic rage and destruction of our entire relationship. She is intent on destroying me, too. This is an eye opener to say the least, but I have never been so scared and I feel utterly helpless...
Please go away from her. It's never to late. Even for therapie. And youre not a bad daughter for wanting your own fullfilled life with healthy relationships. Please just let her go. She took away enough from you. Its your turn to finally life your life like you want it to be. And to be happy.
You nailed it on the head that feeling of being unintegrated and fragmented with no sense of a unified self. That is exactly the way I described myself to my psychoanalyst.
Thank you. Doubt is huge in my life. Growing up my father was narcissist. I remember trying to tell people what us children were experiencing in the home & they would deny my reality saying how great he was. To this day i doubt myself although i have been told by a counselor he saw amazing self awareness..Now still separated from husband 6 years because of my doubt. The effect of childhood neglect & abuse.
Another fantastic session 🥰. My mother has traits of both NPD and BPD. For 7 years of my childhood I lived with her parents and away from her. My much younger brother was with her his entire childhood and he used to tell me that that time away from her “saved your (my) life”. He was an alcoholic and took his life.
I am so sorry. I know it's really hard - please know you are worthy of healing, learning to trust yourself and validating your pain. This is often the wounded inner child trying to manage those early messages and survive.💗🙏🙏
I have been working to heal from a traumatic childhood for over 30 years. Your videos have given me more insight in a month than I have received in the last 30 years. I feel myself calming and relaxing knowing that what I was experiencing was Real! I am Not the “crazy one”! Bless you! 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you for producing this videos. I am 61 years old and still haunted by my BPD MOTHER’s behavior. I never knew why I kept having emotional flashbacks. You have highlighted all of what I experienced when I was growing up with my mother.
Thanks for your videos, they help to clarify what is going on. My sister and I grew up with what I have now come to understand are a narcissistic father and a borderline mother. We both have had a string of dysfunctional relationships, have anxiety and depression, and now suffer from chronic illness. Our parents are now in their 90's, the relationship between them is a chaotic horror show. Their are physical impairments and dementia in the mix and we are trying to navigate the impossible situation of trying to take care of them, while dealing with our own poor health. It's an absolute nightmare. Everything is like one step forward and two steps back with the continual sabotaging, lies, manipulation, lack of cooperation and professional help not understanding about the personality disorder dynamics in the mix.
I watched this fully assuming I'd cry. But instead it made me feel so much calmer and more at peace knowing I'm not stupid, it's not just me. I'm not actually over sensitive. Thank you. This helped more than you'll know
Just learned the term splitting. I referred to it as the light switch, growing up with a BPD mother. On & off sometimes rapid cycling from anger to love & violence to kindness. It was impossible & exhausting to navigate as a child! It was almost like she had the mind of a child. I would have to trick her out of her own thoughts. Unfortunately, it didn't always work.
So helpful!! I’m coming up on one year anniversary with therapist…I recognize the value/need, but also desire to be healed…..the reminder that it can take years was much needed. Also, wow, did not realize that I had “lit the torch” of gaslighting within….thank you for sharing what that means!! Cheers to self validation and continued healing!!💚💚
The best day was when my mom died. The momma drama came to an end for the last time. Well, her brother had manipulated her to will her estate to him, so that was a struggle for some time, but, praise be to God, the stuff is just stuff, I have an eternity awaiting me in heaven, with Jesus my Savior. I've been reading my bible even more and wow, knowing how much God loves me and what He says about me helps so much. ❤ Admitting what Mom did and accepting it, because of her Narcissism and BPD, not because of anything I did or didnt do has been so freeing. Satan is the enemy of our soul. He wants us to think it's our fault. Read John 10:10-11. It's possible to overcome. I started to write a letter to mom the other day of all the junk in my heart. I tell you it was the best freeing feeling ever. Getting it out, as if I'm telling her. And she cant sit there and say oh you always wore your heart on your sleeve ...nope it's all coming out and once I'm done I'll go somewhere out in the desert and have a funeral, tell her all of it and burn the paper and watch it all disintegrate into ash. Her brother has her ashes I guess. Doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm moving on. Time to go live the life God has for me!! Prayers for anyone who read this far, well even if they didnt read this far, but, i promise with God, you can be free of your past! ❤❤❤❤ stop driving your car of life looking in the rearview mirror. Take some time to heal, dont stay stuck. Dont park there in it. Put that car in drive and look at the road ahead!!! Someone needs to know you survived, and began to thrive too, go help someone get free like you!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
The attitude that has come to me is to stop caring. Stop trying to get approval and stop caring they are unjust. Just deal with them knowing it could be better but don't care that it's not better. Skip the opinion and make a choice. I choose to stay in contact but a not caring so much contact.
I can relate to your approach. I’m in contact and tolerating mine the best that I can. I really try not to claim nor absorb the absurd things my Mother does and says. I expect her to act out no matter what I do.
I just found you today and am so happy! I love what you said about "I know this is going to sound bad but ..." and mentioning that we minimize our trauma experiences. It's so true and so common. Often we feel "unworthy" of the pain we experience because we tell ourselves that others have it so much worse. You were talking about narcissistic parents and I wondered what you would say about exposure to narcissism during childhood vs in a partnership? Is it more damaging during development than with a partner? I would suspect that developmentally it would create negative core beliefs and if you experience it with a partner over time it could conflict with healthy boundaries and ideals you may have set for yourself if you've come from a secure attachment setting.
Thank you for your videos. I was adopted and raised in a narcissistic home. I'm only now realising my upbringing was toxic because I had a child. I recognised I did not want my son to be raised the way I was. I have been in counselling and therapy to BREAK THE CHAIN. Your videos and wisdom are validating and informative. Thank you so much
Excellent video. Information I really needed to hear! Thank you so much for creating such a validating space for the viewers. I have so much work ahead of me, but it needs to be done. Thank you for all the work you put into your videos!
I keep doubting it. To the point where I started to feel like I was losing my mind again. I keep telling myself that she wasn’t that bad and that everyone has it rough but they didn’t see what it was like with her. They have love and family in their life so they simply can’t see it. I can’t tell them everything she did. Nobody wants to hear it. Who would? It’s my burden alone.
I really feel for you no one in my family would acknowledge the truth, they try to blame me. You are not alone though I know it can feel so lonely when that happens, at least in time we gain clarity. God bless you.
Watching your video really made some things click, especially regarding the foggy childhood memories… I struggle with self-gaslighting every day. I don’t even trust my body to be really honest when I’m sick, even if I feel really bad…
I Just found your channel. I can't express how much I needed this channel. You are incredible. Thank you so much! BTW, I love ur candlesticks. They are beautiful!
Thank you soooo much! I am so happy you are here! Welcome!! Thank you on the candlesticks too - they are a million years old but I keep dragging them around - lol. Hope you have a beautiful day!!💗🙏💗
Was REALLY disappointed that the ACE test only identified violence towards women in the household- many of us experienced witnessing spousal abuse towards our fathers.
My trauma from my childhood manifested in severe health anxiety. I literally make myself terribly ill. Have you ever heard of that before? It is ruining my life.
It could be that the narcissistic constantly created "self doubt" within the scapegoat child and that "condition" became chronic. Creating self doubt within others is evil.
Wow thank you you just saved me a huge journey of healing. As a self healing I kept thinking it was me and my mother does have this disorder and it makes so much sense why I limited myself in my abilities if i didn’t accept that I have a mother with borderline personality
Yep , exactly, ty , I did / do it all to myself ( self gaslight & made excuses for them ) hence constant doubt & many wrong decisions & suffering in life of traumas🤦♀️ Both parents narcissists, neglectful & abusive in every form 🥺 I tried to leave a few times but mother threatened to kill herself each time ! Even after I married they would still abuse & beat me up , I couldn’t escape the control , bullying & abuse 😩 I spent my whole life trying to please them & make them love me 💔 ❤️🩹❤️🔥 My parents hurt me so very deeply , the pain won’t go away 😰
I’ve always been told I’m Too sensitive.. I hurt too easily.. and I was over weight as a child an my mom said to me one time I shouldn’t have a daughter that. Looks like you .. and she was dying of breast cancer that spread to her bones .. and she said to me .. Kathie do you think You could try to lose weight so I can see you thin before I die .. so of course I did .. and ended up with an eating daisy.. and when I got pregnant with my son my father came to see me at work and I was eight months pregnant and all my father kept saying You are going to lose that weight after you deliver .. I think for me I was always so happy with bread crumbs of love .. that now finally at 64 I finally know my worth
Patterns of what is said is hardly or never happening in the behaviors of the verbalizers. I look at behavior and hear what was said. As a clinician i watch behaviors first. They often say my childhood was perfect or there are gaps in memory. The bigger the gaps the worse. Materialism vs. being emotionally present. As i listen to you i think that poor child!
This is wonderfully useful content. Dr Sage, you are in the same League as the top 20 PhDs in America like: Deb Dana, MA Dr Jonis Webb Dr Harriet Learner Dr Alice Miller Dr Margaret Mead Dr Mary Ainsley Dr John Bowlby Dr Bessel van der Kolk Dr Peter Levine Dr Dan Segiel Dr Allen Shore Dr Steven Porges You videos are so helpful to millions of people. Keep doing what you do. 😀
Well, that is just beyond kind, and while there is no part of me that feels I am anywhere near equal to those amazing humans - I can say that my love and passion for these topics IS equal! Thank you so much Bill- I am so happy you find my content helpful! Some days I wonder if it is helping so I truly appreciate your lovely affirmations🙏🙏🙏
I’m watching on my phone. I have been pausing the video for the small diagrams and taking a screen shot of them. Without the comments below, the diagram takes up my entire screen when I turn my phone sideways and the diagrams are saved to my photos. Hope this helps.
Can you make sense of the opposite? Where you have things what appears to be love but it’s more things, and the fridge is full, but I was the squeaky whelk where I would call them out and they shut me down likely cause I was 9-11 and so they were smarter then me, but I would go back and strategize response and and boom, and the control I could say that I won’t, so I married my mother not my father and I agre with the these issues are silly but they effect me and my decisions and I was 30 ish before I even realized I was a dependent person, so while trying to learn I could also recognize traits that identify with bad, so I can see I can be narcissistic in fights, which is hard to be honest with on self, so as I realize how I react it is “narcissistic” and I identify it and I want to change it…. So it’s so hard sometimes and I’d it is not bad enough, I am living at home with my family cause rent is crazy and im stuck in this issue which has re brought up all these issues and if it can’t be worse my mother has turned me and my husband against each other like me and my brother and I see I’m in a cycle and pattern but I do t know what to do next …. I also see fights me and my husband have had are not the same ones we have now and I see his narcissistic patterns that are resonating with the control way … so now we have different fights that we used to but only since we have live with my parents BecUse of housing value and renting …. So my sister pointed out narcissistic behavior…. I live here with Y kids and my roll is like the 16 y/o older sister not the mother of these children and she just attacks me for things like letting a kid stay home she says I’m a bad mother letting them run me …. But if she says they are sick then all is good….. like I’m trying to sea saw things …. And randomly I’m attacked I get no defense and it’s all I front of my children…. Ok so remove yourself bur. It it’s an excuse there is not it. Available to rent snd my kids need to be stable k can’t move 1000 miles away…. Omg this is soo deep
Now wondering if my mother is borderline. She is both (overly) generous with money & gifts, but seems very controlling. Despite her generosity I no longer look to be in her company as I find her disregulating to be around due to her seeming very superficially cheerful and nice most of the time until I express an opinion or ask for help with something and she becomes dismissive and demeaning. She is always the one that contacts me. She was very unpredictable when I was growing up, one minute emotionally absent, critical & angry, the other very warm and affectionate. She would gush about what lovely children we were when young, then later would admit she ‘couldn’t bear to be touched’. She went away on a four month overseas trip when I was five years old. When her father died she sent me to live with my other grandparents for weeks afterwards. She’d send my brother & I to stay with relatives every winter school holidays. She would send us down with suitcases full of gifts for us & our cousins to open every day we were there. It sounds nice but it was too intense. I think I subconsciously knew it was her way of alleviating guilt, and to distract us children so the adults could have a break from us. My father likely had NPD and also went on multiple overseas trips away and would come home with a suitcase full of ‘gifts’ (souvenirs really) but sometimes pretty dresses and other clothing. I think these experiences set me up to be a compulsive ‘gift giver’ for many years afterwards. And to become a compulsive shopper. I think both parents expressed ‘love’ with gifts, usually useless ornaments. Looking back it was probably a habit passed from my grandparents as they also had shelves full of ornaments from overseas and art. These items were treasured as valuable and precious reminders of their trips overseas - as though only things from other cultures were worth anything. One of my friends who was adopted had parents who also would go overseas and bring her back exotic souvenirs and soft toys. It almost seemed to be like a competition between her parents and mine which she would have won. Her father bought so many back he had even got a purpose built holder for them all to be displayed neatly on the wall. We were very excited about these gifts and would admire each other’s collections.
Indeed sucha critical analytic no one ever realize though deeply internalized by those either the perpetrator or the victim so conclusion even parents can be victimizing kids for their own healthy selfish reasons whatever
Would you be willing to do a segment on cognitive dissonance? Is gaslighting self the same as cognitive dissonance? Thank you. I feel cognitive dissonance controls my brain is almost like my brain has been automatically held hostage. How do we come out of this as you put it trance.
I just have a question. My parent is a sociopath (yes, know that isnt the word anymore) as she has no regard for the law and many other things. They are similar to narcissists, though. She is/was an out and out abuser, though. I dont know where to take this... I am struggling through my anxious attachment wounds...but I dont know which direction I should be looking for insight. Would it be children of narcissists? The gaslighting was very high. What should I be looking at for insight? This kind of thing?
@DrKimSage Thank you all of this clarification! I've been wondering, does the distinct existence of a scapegoat and a golden child give clear differentiation between BPD and NPD, or can that be either one? I keep seeing it mentioned with NPD, but i don't think the parent who did that is an actual narc, (or a borderline, either, for that matter). Can parents who have neither diagnosis still do that? For example, maybe the parents themselves just had some imperfect parenting, and honestly believed that they were "doing the right thing." Also, I'm a Boomer, and many of our parents got some really, really bad parenting advice from the likes of Dr. Benjamin Spock, (who gave such advice as, "You must break the child's will by the age of two"). Young, well-meaning parents could have followed his lead and done significant damage. My parents had his books, (and i think followed them), though my mother later looked back on that and commented, "The man was an idiot."
whenever I start thinking of my childood I get these goosebumps all over my body and my legs start feeling hot, I had no idea that that's a thing until I heard it here; I think that's my body saying to me to don't go back haha like warning me
I have recently come out of an acute hospitalization in which I was convulsing and could barely stand or walk. At 61 this was an accumulation of over 11 years of trying to take care of two mentally ill siblings both of whom at one stage or other tried to take their lives. When I got sober at 31 due to years of emotional neglect and told my mother she said to me "that's nice dear but you are the only ill one in my family" I was also told it was my fault for being emtionally immature. I now see my mother suffered acute anxiety and poor feeling management for years due to abuse at the hands of her own mother who was an adult grandchild of a violent alcoholic. I feel sure these family patterns of the unmothered jsut pass on down until one of us is able to recognize the truth adn turn it all around. Recently my living sister who is disabled and in aged care at 69 tried to tell me its my fault not letting go of all the wounding and that she has not a clue of what I talk about when I try to bring her attention to the abuse. I now see how unhealthy it is for me to do this. Thank you so much for this video. I just found you today Dr Kim Sage and I am so grateful I get so disorganized my body at time and big spins but at least now i know what happened to me was actually real and was never my fault as my mother tried to get me to believe.
Hi Kim, You know that the UK. I have made a, law, saying that, coercive behaviour illegal. They have know skill or resources to police it.?? An impossible law to implement.
Hi Kim, What do think about this statement. I spent time in children's homes I had, step parent's. I wet the bed, which antagonised those, who were supposedly, caring for me. If my mother learned of a step parent, beating me. It angered, her, and made her, want to, emotionally retaliate. " What is weired, is my biological mother, felt she had the right to abuse me. But didn't, grant anybody else the right"..🙄🤔☹️🥴😵😂😭😜😳🤣🤪😜😝... "Crazy right,??." Regards Cliff..
My mom would go at someone like a banshee if one of her kids were being hurt or threatened. Ironicly, she would dish out constant violence & extreme cursing to her children.
![HEALING THE INNER CHILD: HERE'S WHAT YOU MUST DO [3 PART PROTOCOL!]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/sNpe1cSCMCE/mqdefault.jpg)
![HEALING THE INNER CHILD: HERE'S WHAT YOU MUST DO [3 PART PROTOCOL!]](/img/tr.png)
You sound like you know exactly what this feels like! Which does sadden me, because it's not a feeling I wish for anyone. Thank you for voicing all of this and making it free!
I deceived myself for 60 years and stayed trauma bonded my entire life. I gaslighted myself into cptsd, depression and anxiety. I have worked really hard at understanding what happened as soon as I discovered that I wasn't imagining things every time I felt something was terribly wrong with my mother. At this point, she lives with me and I wonder how I ever survived as I now see things so clearly. At 91 years old, as I have begun to set my boundaries, she has begun a phase of narcissistic rage and destruction of our entire relationship. She is intent on destroying me, too. This is an eye opener to say the least, but I have never been so scared and I feel utterly helpless...
Please go away from her. It's never to late.
Even for therapie.
And youre not a bad daughter for wanting your own fullfilled life with healthy relationships.
Please just let her go.
She took away enough from you.
Its your turn to finally life your life like you want it to be. And to be happy.
Call the Doctor. She needs meds, for your sake. When I was in your shoes, though, my mother refused all doctors.
I had to get completely away for me to further my healing. Hugs to you. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself ☀️☀️☀️
🫂🌹🫂
You DESERVE TO LIVE LIFE FULLY.
You nailed it on the head that feeling of being unintegrated and fragmented with no sense of a unified self. That is exactly the way I described myself to my psychoanalyst.
Thank you. Doubt is huge in my life. Growing up my father was narcissist. I remember trying to tell people what us children were experiencing in the home & they would deny my reality saying how great he was. To this day i doubt myself although i have been told by a counselor he saw amazing self awareness..Now still separated from husband 6 years because of my doubt. The effect of childhood neglect & abuse.
Similar experience here, sending you love ❤️
Another fantastic session 🥰. My mother has traits of both NPD and BPD. For 7 years of my childhood I lived with her parents and away from her. My much younger brother was with her his entire childhood and he used to tell me that that time away from her “saved your (my) life”. He was an alcoholic and took his life.
I'm so sorry you lost him💔 also, glad you made it🖤
So very sorry for your loss my brother also died from suicide😢
I relate to your situation more than I can say. I feel your loss and your pain.
🫂
I'm so sorry for your loss. God Bless and stay safe. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Sitting hear crying after listening to this. I definitely do this to myself.
I am so sorry. I know it's really hard - please know you are worthy of healing, learning to trust yourself and validating your pain. This is often the wounded inner child trying to manage those early messages and survive.💗🙏🙏
I have been working to heal from a traumatic childhood for over 30 years. Your videos have given me more insight in a month than I have received in the last 30 years. I feel myself calming and relaxing knowing that what I was experiencing was Real! I am Not the “crazy one”! Bless you! 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you for producing this videos. I am 61 years old and still haunted by my BPD MOTHER’s behavior.
I never knew why I kept having emotional flashbacks. You have highlighted all of what I experienced when I was growing up with my mother.
Thanks for your videos, they help to clarify what is going on. My sister and I grew up with what I have now come to understand are a narcissistic father and a borderline mother. We both have had a string of dysfunctional relationships, have anxiety and depression, and now suffer from chronic illness. Our parents are now in their 90's, the relationship between them is a chaotic horror show. Their are physical impairments and dementia in the mix and we are trying to navigate the impossible situation of trying to take care of them, while dealing with our own poor health. It's an absolute nightmare. Everything is like one step forward and two steps back with the continual sabotaging, lies, manipulation, lack of cooperation and professional help not understanding about the personality disorder dynamics in the mix.
I watched this fully assuming I'd cry. But instead it made me feel so much calmer and more at peace knowing I'm not stupid, it's not just me. I'm not actually over sensitive. Thank you. This helped more than you'll know
Just learned the term splitting. I referred to it as the light switch, growing up with a BPD mother. On & off sometimes rapid cycling from anger to love & violence to kindness. It was impossible & exhausting to navigate as a child! It was almost like she had the mind of a child. I would have to trick her out of her own thoughts. Unfortunately, it didn't always work.
Thank you so much for sharing this in such a gentle, compassionate and supportive manner
So helpful!! I’m coming up on one year anniversary with therapist…I recognize the value/need, but also desire to be healed…..the reminder that it can take years was much needed. Also, wow, did not realize that I had “lit the torch” of gaslighting within….thank you for sharing what that means!! Cheers to self validation and continued healing!!💚💚
Thank you so much for being here! Sending support and healing:)
Thank you so much. You made this video on the perfect day! Big decisions to make and I keep gaslighting myself! Didn’t even catch it!!
So happy to hear it! Sending you support today as you keep working on healing, and in making your decision!!:)
Your videos have been very helpful to me . Both my parents were narcissists. Thank you for your posts .
The best day was when my mom died. The momma drama came to an end for the last time. Well, her brother had manipulated her to will her estate to him, so that was a struggle for some time, but, praise be to God, the stuff is just stuff, I have an eternity awaiting me in heaven, with Jesus my Savior. I've been reading my bible even more and wow, knowing how much God loves me and what He says about me helps so much. ❤
Admitting what Mom did and accepting it, because of her Narcissism and BPD, not because of anything I did or didnt do has been so freeing. Satan is the enemy of our soul. He wants us to think it's our fault. Read John 10:10-11. It's possible to overcome. I started to write a letter to mom the other day of all the junk in my heart. I tell you it was the best freeing feeling ever. Getting it out, as if I'm telling her. And she cant sit there and say oh you always wore your heart on your sleeve ...nope it's all coming out and once I'm done I'll go somewhere out in the desert and have a funeral, tell her all of it and burn the paper and watch it all disintegrate into ash. Her brother has her ashes I guess. Doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm moving on. Time to go live the life God has for me!! Prayers for anyone who read this far, well even if they didnt read this far, but, i promise with God, you can be free of your past! ❤❤❤❤ stop driving your car of life looking in the rearview mirror. Take some time to heal, dont stay stuck. Dont park there in it. Put that car in drive and look at the road ahead!!! Someone needs to know you survived, and began to thrive too, go help someone get free like you!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
The attitude that has come to me is to stop caring. Stop trying to get approval and stop caring they are unjust. Just deal with them knowing it could be better but don't care that it's not better. Skip the opinion and make a choice. I choose to stay in contact but a not caring so much contact.
I can relate to your approach. I’m in contact and tolerating mine the best that I can. I really try not to claim nor absorb the absurd things my Mother does and says. I expect her to act out no matter what I do.
I just found you today and am so happy! I love what you said about "I know this is going to sound bad but ..." and mentioning that we minimize our trauma experiences. It's so true and so common. Often we feel "unworthy" of the pain we experience because we tell ourselves that others have it so much worse. You were talking about narcissistic parents and I wondered what you would say about exposure to narcissism during childhood vs in a partnership? Is it more damaging during development than with a partner? I would suspect that developmentally it would create negative core beliefs and if you experience it with a partner over time it could conflict with healthy boundaries and ideals you may have set for yourself if you've come from a secure attachment setting.
Thank you for your videos. I was adopted and raised in a narcissistic home. I'm only now realising my upbringing was toxic because I had a child. I recognised I did not want my son to be raised the way I was. I have been in counselling and therapy to BREAK THE CHAIN. Your videos and wisdom are validating and informative. Thank you so much
This is an incredibly helpful video. Thank you
Excellent video. Information I really needed to hear! Thank you so much for creating such a validating space for the viewers. I have so much work ahead of me, but it needs to be done. Thank you for all the work you put into your videos!
Thank you so much for saying that! I am so grateful you are here with me! It makes a difference to hear that it helps!!:)
I keep doubting it. To the point where I started to feel like I was losing my mind again. I keep telling myself that she wasn’t that bad and that everyone has it rough but they didn’t see what it was like with her. They have love and family in their life so they simply can’t see it. I can’t tell them everything she did. Nobody wants to hear it. Who would? It’s my burden alone.
Me2 😞
I really feel for you no one in my family would acknowledge the truth, they try to blame me. You are not alone though I know it can feel so lonely when that happens, at least in time we gain clarity. God bless you.
🫂🌹🫂
Thank you for validating the fogginess!
Watching your video really made some things click, especially regarding the foggy childhood memories… I struggle with self-gaslighting every day. I don’t even trust my body to be really honest when I’m sick, even if I feel really bad…
Wow. You just described my conundrum…
It really is a conundrum! Sending you support and love on your journey.🙏🙏
I Just found your channel. I can't express how much I needed this channel. You are incredible. Thank you so much! BTW, I love ur candlesticks. They are beautiful!
Thank you soooo much! I am so happy you are here! Welcome!! Thank you on the candlesticks too - they are a million years old but I keep dragging them around - lol. Hope you have a beautiful day!!💗🙏💗
Thank you for recommending resources for self development! You have been very helpful in my healing journey with your videos.
Was REALLY disappointed that the ACE test only identified violence towards women in the household- many of us experienced witnessing spousal abuse towards our fathers.
Spot on!!! Thank you 🙏🏻
Damn dude Ms Sage always has topics you never hear about. "Self-gaslighting" is totally new to me, but I'm definitely guilty of it...
My trauma from my childhood manifested in severe health anxiety. I literally make myself terribly ill. Have you ever heard of that before? It is ruining my life.
Yes absolutely - I am so sorry you are struggling. Getting therapy if possible could be incredibly helpful.🙏🙏💗
I hope you are feeling better Michele. This happened to me too and still does sometimes but learning more makes it better. ❤
@@PrincessOverDoesIt yes, I feel much better. Ty for asking. I am on lexapro and it has saved my life!
so i need to change to , i can trust my body when i healed my mind from trauma responses
It could be that the narcissistic constantly created "self doubt" within the scapegoat child and that "condition" became chronic. Creating self doubt within others is evil.
Thank you for this
I truly needed this hear this💕
Thank you for this .. I
Absolutely needed to hear this 😊
Wow thank you you just saved me a huge journey of healing. As a self healing I kept thinking it was me and my mother does have this disorder and it makes so much sense why I limited myself in my abilities if i didn’t accept that I have a mother with borderline personality
Both my parents were gone by the time I was 30.Just lost my brother in May an my oldest brother in 93.
You never get time back with your children,spend as much time with them as possible.Time is something we never get back.
@@robinking3604 my condolences. We never lose anybody we only gain more spiritual guidance. I wish you a graceful healing. God bless
Yep , exactly, ty ,
I did / do it all to myself
( self gaslight & made excuses for them )
hence constant doubt & many wrong decisions & suffering in life of traumas🤦♀️
Both parents narcissists, neglectful & abusive in every form 🥺
I tried to leave a few times but mother threatened to kill herself each time !
Even after I married they would still abuse & beat me up , I couldn’t escape the control , bullying & abuse 😩
I spent my whole life trying to please them & make them love me 💔 ❤️🩹❤️🔥
My parents hurt me so very deeply , the pain won’t go away 😰
It would be extremely helpful to actually talk about the specific signs and symptoms of borderline and narcissistic parents.
Love love love this video❤️
This is definitely me. I've been going to counseling for over 10 years and I'm still broken.
pretty much my inner pain
I’ve always been told I’m
Too sensitive.. I hurt too easily.. and I was over weight as a child an my mom said to me one time I shouldn’t have a daughter that. Looks like you .. and she was dying of breast cancer that spread to her bones .. and she said to me .. Kathie do you think
You could try to lose weight so I can see you thin before I die .. so of course I did .. and ended up with an eating daisy.. and when I got pregnant with my son my father came to see me at work and I was eight months pregnant and all my father kept saying You are going to lose that weight after you deliver .. I think for me I was always so happy with bread crumbs of love .. that now finally at 64 I finally know my worth
I’m so sorry you have dealt with this. You are perfect as you are. You are lovable as you are. Sending love and light.
🫂🌹🫂 BRAVO dear girl.
Patterns of what is said is hardly or never happening in the behaviors of the verbalizers. I look at behavior and hear what was said. As a clinician i watch behaviors first. They often say my childhood was perfect or there are gaps in memory. The bigger the gaps the worse.
Materialism vs. being emotionally present. As i listen to you i think that poor child!
This is wonderfully useful content.
Dr Sage, you are in the same League as
the top 20 PhDs in America like:
Deb Dana, MA
Dr Jonis Webb
Dr Harriet Learner
Dr Alice Miller
Dr Margaret Mead
Dr Mary Ainsley
Dr John Bowlby
Dr Bessel van der Kolk
Dr Peter Levine
Dr Dan Segiel
Dr Allen Shore
Dr Steven Porges
You videos are so helpful to millions of people. Keep doing what you do. 😀
Well, that is just beyond kind, and while there is no part of me that feels I am anywhere near equal to those amazing humans - I can say that my love and passion for these topics IS equal! Thank you so much Bill- I am so happy you find my content helpful! Some days I wonder if it is helping so I truly appreciate your lovely affirmations🙏🙏🙏
I thought I was becoming just like borderline narcissistic mother. Meltdowns. Burnout. Turns out - I have autism.
thank u for the posts helping us become our own people
You are so welcome:). Thank you so much for being here, and I am sending you strength and support in your healing journey:)
Thank you for this channel
this is helping me heal
Omg 😳 this totally what I’ve been through
Can you be in a family of narcissist and borderlines and be a codependent? I’m the scapegoat of my family because I’m nothingggg like them.
Thank you♥️
Great video. The small diagrams are hard to see and other written info are on screen too short a time for me to read.
I’m watching on my phone. I have been pausing the video for the small diagrams and taking a screen shot of them. Without the comments below, the diagram takes up my entire screen when I turn my phone sideways and the diagrams are saved to my photos.
Hope this helps.
Can you make sense of the opposite? Where you have things what appears to be love but it’s more things, and the fridge is full, but I was the squeaky whelk where I would call them out and they shut me down likely cause I was 9-11 and so they were smarter then me, but I would go back and strategize response and and boom, and the control I could say that I won’t, so I married my mother not my father and I agre with the these issues are silly but they effect me and my decisions and I was 30 ish before I even realized I was a dependent person, so while trying to learn I could also recognize traits that identify with bad, so I can see I can be narcissistic in fights, which is hard to be honest with on self, so as I realize how I react it is “narcissistic” and I identify it and I want to change it…. So it’s so hard sometimes and I’d it is not bad enough, I am living at home with my family cause rent is crazy and im stuck in this issue which has re brought up all these issues and if it can’t be worse my mother has turned me and my husband against each other like me and my brother and I see I’m in a cycle and pattern but I do t know what to do next …. I also see fights me and my husband have had are not the same ones we have now and I see his narcissistic patterns that are resonating with the control way … so now we have different fights that we used to but only since we have live with my parents BecUse of housing value and renting …. So my sister pointed out narcissistic behavior…. I live here with
Y kids and my roll is like the 16 y/o older sister not the mother of these children and she just attacks me for things like letting a kid stay home she says I’m a bad mother letting them run me …. But if she says they are sick then all is good….. like I’m trying to sea saw things …. And randomly I’m attacked I get no defense and it’s all I front of my children…. Ok so remove yourself bur. It it’s an excuse there is not it. Available to rent snd my kids need to be stable k can’t move 1000 miles away…. Omg this is soo deep
Now wondering if my mother is borderline. She is both (overly) generous with money & gifts, but seems very controlling. Despite her generosity I no longer look to be in her company as I find her disregulating to be around due to her seeming very superficially cheerful and nice most of the time until I express an opinion or ask for help with something and she becomes dismissive and demeaning. She is always the one that contacts me. She was very unpredictable when I was growing up, one minute emotionally absent, critical & angry, the other very warm and affectionate. She would gush about what lovely children we were when young, then later would admit she ‘couldn’t bear to be touched’. She went away on a four month overseas trip when I was five years old. When her father died she sent me to live with my other grandparents for weeks afterwards. She’d send my brother & I to stay with relatives every winter school holidays. She would send us down with suitcases full of gifts for us & our cousins to open every day we were there. It sounds nice but it was too intense. I think I subconsciously knew it was her way of alleviating guilt, and to distract us children so the adults could have a break from us. My father likely had NPD and also went on multiple overseas trips away and would come home with a suitcase full of ‘gifts’ (souvenirs really) but sometimes pretty dresses and other clothing. I think these experiences set me up to be a compulsive ‘gift giver’ for many years afterwards. And to become a compulsive shopper. I think both parents expressed ‘love’ with gifts, usually useless ornaments. Looking back it was probably a habit passed from my grandparents as they also had shelves full of ornaments from overseas and art. These items were treasured as valuable and precious reminders of their trips overseas - as though only things from other cultures were worth anything. One of my friends who was adopted had parents who also would go overseas and bring her back exotic souvenirs and soft toys. It almost seemed to be like a competition between her parents and mine which she would have won. Her father bought so many back he had even got a purpose built holder for them all to be displayed neatly on the wall. We were very excited about these gifts and would admire each other’s collections.
Indeed sucha critical analytic no one ever realize though deeply internalized by those either the perpetrator or the victim so conclusion even parents can be victimizing kids for their own healthy selfish reasons whatever
Would you be willing to do a segment on cognitive dissonance? Is gaslighting self the same as cognitive dissonance? Thank you. I feel cognitive dissonance controls my brain is almost like my brain has been automatically held hostage. How do we come out of this as you put it trance.
Another amazing video .. thank you so much ....
You are so welcome - thank you so much for being here with me!💗🙏
Thanks for your videos.
I just have a question. My parent is a sociopath (yes, know that isnt the word anymore) as she has no regard for the law and many other things. They are similar to narcissists, though. She is/was an out and out abuser, though. I dont know where to take this... I am struggling through my anxious attachment wounds...but I dont know which direction I should be looking for insight. Would it be children of narcissists? The gaslighting was very high. What should I be looking at for insight? This kind of thing?
A skilled trauma specialist might be helpful.
@DrKimSage Thank you all of this clarification! I've been wondering, does the distinct existence of a scapegoat and a golden child give clear differentiation between BPD and NPD, or can that be either one? I keep seeing it mentioned with NPD, but i don't think the parent who did that is an actual narc, (or a borderline, either, for that matter).
Can parents who have neither diagnosis still do that? For example, maybe the parents themselves just had some imperfect parenting, and honestly believed that they were "doing the right thing."
Also, I'm a Boomer, and many of our parents got some really, really bad parenting advice from the likes of Dr. Benjamin Spock, (who gave such advice as, "You must break the child's will by the age of two"). Young, well-meaning parents could have followed his lead and done significant damage. My parents had his books, (and i think followed them), though my mother later looked back on that and commented, "The man was an idiot."
Does a BPD parent choose a target if there are multiple children?
whenever I start thinking of my childood I get these goosebumps all over my body and my legs start feeling hot, I had no idea that that's a thing until I heard it here; I think that's my body saying to me to don't go back haha like warning me
yep
We should get at least one point on our ace score for each "off" parent
🙏
What do you think of Autism level 1 in women being misdiagnosed as BPD?
I don't feel its quite right that NPD and BPD are lumped together. BPD belongs more in Cluster C with its genuine desire for connection.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I have recently come out of an acute hospitalization in which I was convulsing and could barely stand or walk. At 61 this was an accumulation of over 11 years of trying to take care of two mentally ill siblings both of whom at one stage or other tried to take their lives. When I got sober at 31 due to years of emotional neglect and told my mother she said to me "that's nice dear but you are the only ill one in my family" I was also told it was my fault for being emtionally immature. I now see my mother suffered acute anxiety and poor feeling management for years due to abuse at the hands of her own mother who was an adult grandchild of a violent alcoholic. I feel sure these family patterns of the unmothered jsut pass on down until one of us is able to recognize the truth adn turn it all around. Recently my living sister who is disabled and in aged care at 69 tried to tell me its my fault not letting go of all the wounding and that she has not a clue of what I talk about when I try to bring her attention to the abuse. I now see how unhealthy it is for me to do this.
Thank you so much for this video. I just found you today Dr Kim Sage and I am so grateful I get so disorganized my body at time and big spins but at least now i know what happened to me was actually real and was never my fault as my mother tried to get me to believe.
Kim, Someone has to take the initiative. And stop the cycle..of abuse.
It takes courage.
Cliff.
I need a drink, pronto.
Hi Kim,
You know that the UK. I have made a, law, saying that, coercive behaviour illegal. They have know skill or resources to police it.??
An impossible law to implement.
Hi Kim,
What do think about this statement. I spent time in children's homes I had, step parent's. I wet the bed, which antagonised those, who were supposedly, caring for me. If my mother learned of a step parent, beating me. It angered, her, and made her, want to, emotionally retaliate. " What is weired, is my biological mother, felt she had the right to abuse me. But didn't, grant anybody else the right"..🙄🤔☹️🥴😵😂😭😜😳🤣🤪😜😝...
"Crazy right,??."
Regards Cliff..
My mom would go at someone like a banshee if one of her kids were being hurt or threatened. Ironicly, she would dish out constant violence & extreme cursing to her children.
Hi Kim,
Do you recommend the book, "The body keeps score"?..
By Bessel Van Der kolk.
Regards Cliff
Thank you 🙏
Thank you❤