Raised by a Borderline Parent? What you need to know
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- Опубликовано: 26 авг 2024
- Have you ever felt like you were constantly walking on eggshells with a parent? Unsure of what mood they'd be in next, caught in their drama, or hesitant about their intentions?
If so, you may have experienced a form of abuse related to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
In today's video, we delve into what BPD is, how it differs from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and shed light on how it can manifest in a parent. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for scapegoat children seeking healing and recovery.
Still unsure about what kind of emotional abuse you went through? Check out my Narcissistic Emotional Abuse Quiz to find out 👉 lp.jreidtherap...
If you resonate with this video, it's vital to recognize that the abuse you endured was not your fault. You can learn more about this by grabbing your FREE copy of my book, "Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat."
Click HERE 👉 lp.jreidtherap...
If you’re ready to make significant progress in your recovery, check out my course, A Map to Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse, and sign up today 👉 lp.jreidtherap...
#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy
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The ability to switch from anger to sweetness is why no one believes you when you try to get help from others.
Yesss my mom was always seen as “the fun mom” but in reality it’s because she had no impulse control and had a lack of logical adult responsibility. If something serious did happen or something bad happened from her being “laid back” then she would go pout and stomp around and call herself “the worst mom ever” until you felt so guilty for confronting her you had to let it go
This. My ex thought I was some kind of monster for putting up hard boundaries w my mom bc she acted like a charming sweet lady with him.
@@travisxtopherKeep all friends and partners away from bpd parents. Don't even talk about the bpd parent to friends. I learned the hard way. It's very hard for others to believe abuse when they don't see it.
My dad called the cops and he was the one being the most vicious and could in an instant yell and almost beat me to pulp to then offer water to the officers who pretended they did not see a thing and were ok leaving custody of my small sis to such a devil. He has not sought help and my sis is not doing the best.
@@Fancyprawneventually a partner will see it. My husband didn’t know how “bad” it was until a couple things happened that he was witness to. It’s not his fault and I don’t blame him, now he knows.
"overly invested in the goings on of other people" lol what a polite yet spot on description
This describes my primary “caregivers” NPD and BPD. It’s hell on earth.
You are a survivor ✌️❤️
Wish you the possible best. Same here.
That's exactly what it is growing up in an NPD/BPD environment, hell 😢 You're emotionally and mentally tortured on a regular basis
It’s like being born in a hedge of rose thorns if that makes sense. Scratches everywhere and repeatedly for ever.
I hit the jackpot as a kid. One is a Malignant Narcissist, and the other is BP.
Me too. Wish you the best.
Same here, we survived somehow
Malignant narc father, BPD/covert mother. As a child, I wondered if I was actually adopted because my personality traits are nothing like either of them.
BP mom,Dismissive father.
We all survived .❤
@@riyajacob2909 The person who I was did not survive. The shell of my former self exists in it's place.
Did anyone else identify strongly to the phone call induced persona switching ?
Yes!!!
@@denisel780 Here I was often not sure and still am not sure whether there is not rather a vulnerable narcissism behind it. But probably the transitions are more fluid than one thinks and depend on goals and motivations of the person.
Absolutely. It seemed like a purposeful devaluation.
Omg it's so crazy
Absolutely! That was my mother to a tee!!
Does a borderline mother enjoy emotionally hurting her child? My mother loved bringing me down, taking me from happy to anxious, ashamed, and humiliated. I could see in her eyes she enjoyed it. I became no longer ever cheerful. I'm trying to understand my life, at this late age, either that or be engulfed in difficulties. This is the first I considered maybe she was borderline. Your videos are so thoughtful and helpful -thank you.
Yes, I feel I was sculpted into BPD by my mom and yes revenge is very important to the BPD personality! We really get off on it. I'll hurt them even more than they hurt me, even tho this is often imagined. My theory and I am not a Dr!
My siblings are borderline they love seeing you humiliated, shamed and in pain. They eat it up like ice cream
They do. They love it. My mum struggled to physically abuse me so she would get my dad and brother to do it while she would watch and smile.
I think they get a kick out of making others as miserable as they are
I dont remember exaclty, since it was to much for my brain, but these eyes during rage creeped me so out. I felt it somehow comming and could not get away unless it happend. All I know is I had panik attacks for weeks and that was just my last interaction with my mother. That was during last new year. It was only the cherry on top, she also used to switch her favourite daughter like underwear. Sabotaged our relationships with our bodys ( Anorexia say hi), then pretends to care. When people compliment u its hers not your achivement. Ohh and when u r to happy she finds a way to invade your personal boundries till u give her a reason to play victim and to go to everyone else to tell them how horible u r. And no aparently my family does not like a truth teller now I am the emotionally difficult one, even tho they usally came crying to me, when they got hurt by her! Ohh and she gromed me into her second Therapist, despites going to Theraphy. And no a 9 year old does not know why your own father was raping his daughter. People with BPD were once abused too, but that does not make the amount of anxiety, insomnia, panikatacks, ptsd etc. , that they caused their childreen and others ok. Its really difficult to remember that not every one with bpd has narcissistic tendencys. There r enough people who work on themselfs. Sadly there r also enough people who refuse to hold themselfs accountable and use their disorder as an ok to abuse others. I am proud of everyone who does work on themself no matter the disorder or challenge that they go though. ❤🫂🌶
Well, I now know why my mother emptied the entire contents on my room and put all my stuff including the bed on the front porch. I was on my bike one day and she called to me; I didn't acknowledge her and didn't stop bicycling. I have been wondering why she did this for a long time. Jay, I have said this time and time again, your assessments are so correctly detailed that one could easily understand what they went through and recover from negative family origin. Thank you for putting out vids, you are helping a lot of people understand and heal.
I’m so sorry. That must have been embarrassing and hurtful. I moved back to my hometown in my early 30 and agreed to live with my parents for a couple months. I came home from work and found my dirty clothes thrown on my bed. Apparently I was not allowed to keep my clothes hamper in the laundry room. This caused my mother great offense. So she had to teach me a lesson. They don’t stop and only grow worse with age.
@@taniabluebell3099 Thank you Tania. I was so young; growing up, my best friends were named Shame, Doubt, and Insecurity. Jay described perfectly the dynamic of my household. BP Mother and Narc Father. Lovely combination. I;m so glad I'm healing and am even able to talk about it without crying. Getting stronger every day thanks to beautiful humans like Jay and others.
Caro, I’m sorry you experienced neglect and emotional abuse. They are thieves and stole so much from us.
Self care is something we neglect and our parents set us back compared to our peers with the “good enough” parents.
I’m glad you are healing. No contact is what finally allowed me to focus on self care and heal.
@@taniabluebell3099 wow no one has every consoled me like this, thank you for your kind words Tania. Jay described in this vid the narc dynamic with the BP (mom/dad respectively) so I now understand the psychology of my mother's behaviour. I also understand now about the too much, enveloping the BP with love. My mom couldn't handle to much love, so confusing to understand this when you are a child. As my mother aged, she ended up separating herself from my dad more and more. Separate bedrooms, living rooms, and she even would talk shit about him. I wish I could of told her what was going on. I am proud to say that this generational toxicity of family upbringing stopped with me. I am raising my son to learn healthy boundaries, letting him show emotions, and also showing him unconditional love without fear or shame involved. He is thriving, and so am I.
I've heard the "narcissistic playbook". Your parents are similar to mine. My mom is the unstable, grandiose "mother of the year" borderline. My father the altruistic covert narcissist who was allowed to get away with a lot because my mom's behavior gave him cover. They were in on it together. My dad pretended to be my friend but when I added him to no contact he showed his true colors. My parents also live in separate bedrooms, since at least their 50s.
You sound like you've made strides toward healing. You are correct that the cycle stops when we no longer allow abusers in our lives. Nice to hear you have a good relationship with your son. That's the beautiful part when we go contact, we finally have the bandwidth for self care and to focus our attention on those who matter.
This is shocking to hear. It is shocking to realize that children are raised in such chaotic environments. It should be illegal to witness this and ignore it for other grownups....
a reflecltion of our dissociated world. This is why war and conflict is such a bad idea, the suffering is measured in generations.
If you know someone is being treated like this especially children please report. Save that child's life and mental health
Most people avoid and the rest enable
Family member is pregnant and I believe has this undiagnosed bpd disorder.... We're hoping to adopt to save the child from this lifestyle
With such a parent, relationships with significant others are always an arena of competition with you. You are always a thorn in their side, especially when you are still small and cute. They compete with you for the love of the other parent, their own parents, and so on.
That, to me, is the main differentiator from the narcissist.
Well into my 30s I thought the most compeititive arena in life was your family. I always thought people were just being polite and towing the line when they exclaimed that they enjoyed their relationships with their family and looked fwd to holidays. I'd be thinking, "But when your 65 year old aunt compares her body to your 25 year old body and somehow puts you down for looking great, and then throws a fit and you get blamed for her emotional outburst, how is that a great Xmas?"
OMG, my mother has done the same with my X. She must have recognised a kindred spirit in him. 😮
Interesting. Never realized they compete with their own child for the love of their own parents.
I'm not at all confused. This has been my mom from day 1. A sweetheart at heart but so damaged that she apparently can't help herself. Many of your examples are exactly what transpired, even at her age of 82!! I of course, as her child, have been traumatized by the thought of her passing but also from time to time, wondered about the feeling of release (as my eyes well up with tears). Thank you for this spot on explanation.
More videos on BPD abuse please.
Yes. This is very important!
Happy Mother’s Day to Survivors who raised themselves while appeasing an untreated, personality-disordered parent. This video will tell you if were also raised by an Amber Heard! No wonder this trial is so obvious to me & triggering. I assumed from the law breaking, rage, & violence it was more likely Sociopathy in my experience (& with Amber). My abuser definitely has this type of malignant Borderline as well as Narcissism.
I thought borderline was about cutting and self harm, not rage & violence towards others. It seems worse than Narcissism IMO!! I think my grandmother had Histrionic because she was always very sweet, affectionate, & generous in a superficial way but also dramatic and prone to conflict. Being raised by women like this can be completely life ruining. The whole family had to revolve around them, or else. The price of non participation is like leaving a cult or the mafia.
She could never stay close to anyone without constant rejection, criticism, nitpicking, devaluation, sabotage, manipulation. The recipient of the abuse would switch around the family or even outsiders used to create “jealousy,” when in fact we would be relieved she turned her hyper fixation on someone else. Idealization is always followed by cruelty, gossip, character assassination, & destroying the trust and any connection. Then a silent treatment when you wonder what you did wrong to be receiving false rumors, hate mail, & stalking, followed by demands to caretake her feelings again with no apology, lots of blame & gaslighting, and zero discussion of the abuse, as if it never happened.
The borderline mother destroys her daughter.
I had a narc parent. and i am 3 years into healing my childhood trauma from narc abuse, i was the scapegoat, ive joined support groups for childhood trauma, and unfortunately there are narc or other personality disorders there. It would make sense because personality disorders comes from trauma. Yet a high percentage of people with childhood trauma don't develop them. I have to juggle finding the empathic people which i can pretty quickly after 1 year of studying narc abuse since last year i suffered a smear campaign in a support group (book club) i started, to read a book about cptsd- and keeping boundaries and some narc people trying to smear me because they couldn't control me, and crossed the line in an abusive way , and then decided to smear me. Thats when i started watching these videos and understood about reactive abuse, and how the narc will study a persons triggers to try and get a reaction and the reaction to the abuse is kinda "dogwhistling" etc. Learning and mastering responding and not reacting. Being direct clear assertive when i call these people and there phoney abusive ways out, but not taking the bait, of giving them the most understandable reaction to their dogwhistling abuse. Their really low-lifes trying to get a reaction or find an entitled way to be in control, because they can't do it authentically. Their traits are obvious, people dont buy their false self's anymore. Watching the amber heard trial, and watching the world slowly become more aware about narc abuse actually feels like karma or poetic justice. They will finally be held accountable for all the things they done and the people they manipulated and try to blameshift responsibility too. They can't help but then play victims when someone with healthy boundaries wont be pushed around and keeps them accountable, for what they've done. They run for the hills. I enjoy being in a community informed and commited to healing trauma and also informed about narc abuse. The world needs people informed about trauma, but also narc abuse. Because in trauma healing communities there can be wiggle room for narc people, like everywhere they can understand the literature and justify their abuse and control. thats why its necesarry #narcabuseinformed #traumainformed.Im happy for that commitment to my authenticity and communicating healthy boundaries which showed my authentic self more and more, and being more comfortable taking my space in the world, and seeing whos safe and who isnt, and practicing communication or asking for clarification, and having self-respect etc. It showed me narc people will be unfortunately 1-2 in everygroup and learning to navigate them anywhere is a skill in empowerment and healing.
You've described my whole family. I have been attacked over and over for telling the truth about my "upbringing" and disbelief that such families exist. Thank you for your validation and congrats on getting yourself help and not turning into more of these people. I guess the abuse just builds up to where it becomes obvious so we don't continue it?
Actually you have to think if the rage was towards others or towards themselves. If they have a more depressive personality or more manic.
I believe many borderlines are actually cptsd forms while others are covert narcissism. Narcissist don't self harm, they don't struggle with suicidal ideation and they're more likely to act manic than depressed.⁰
Narcissists are also more likely to be ass kiss and boot lick figures they perceive as having more power and abuse those they consider inferior. When you see the "karen" type harrassing the McDonald's employee but ass kissing Trump, you have a good example.
There's not much on the topic but Narcissist traits often show up on women when they have children, the children are inferior and belong to them so the party starts. They often destroy their daughers with abuse and their sons with enmashment.
My mother is the same, she could be considered borderline but i never saw that woman depressed, she was always "I'm the best at everything" and kept on doing things to show off work like ironing towels and underwear but would let the sink filthy and then blame her daughters of being filthy.
No self harm, always the same clothes and hair style, no physiological health issues, physically violent..towards her daughters only.
Yes- I too find the Amber Heard story so triggering. Especially the audio recording. Where she twists everything. I feel fearful and pray for little Paige. Someone has to pay for exposing Amber and that child will get it.
Yea I grew up wondering why I couldn’t “help or fix” my mom. I witnessed the breakdowns, depression, addiction, impulsivity, anger, rage, the ongoing relationships she’d have, etc.
I’d either get the overly affectionate side of her or the indifferent side. I can best think of it as “I didn’t want to be a burden on her” since her life seemed so sad and I didn’t want to make her sad. I always also wondered why she didn’t have any friendships or have any parts in the communities we’d move to. It was always about her love life and the vicious cycles. I seemed to be her therapist and the devaluing of her boyfriends seemed to be the time we’d bond the most. This is sad because there were other healthy things we could’ve bonded over such as extracurricular activities or events or maybe just normal daughter and mom time but oh well.
She was also a single mom always trying to make ends meet so she was working all the time and other than that she was doing idk what at home. Now as an adult I am hurt she’s not really a true part in my kids lives but maybe that’s a good thing?? Idk
It is GOOD...believe me
I feel sorry for my mum for having this. However I’m disappointed she didn’t tell me till I was almost 30! She also didn’t do what she was meant to do after being diagnosed. I suffered as a child and young adult. I can’t explain the pain I suffered being in that environment. I’m moving forward now though and do realise it’s not her fault for being this way and nothing she said was actually personal. Prayers to you all ❤
We must not overlook what is hereditary.
As children we do not ask to be born into the dysfunction.
All we can do is fight like hell not to pass it on.
This comes with no guarantee that strength of good intentions will supercede genetics.
How convenient 🙄
You are wise yes I am borderline but I’m trying to fix it and I am not what everyone says
Supersede
I helped raise 5 of the ten children, I cleaned, diapered, did laundry, wrote checks and even ironed my dad's shirts all before my teen years. Aunt said to mother, "you will destroy this child". My parents divorced after i went to college- knowing it could affect me. I battled eating disorders, bpd, eventually became a scapegoat. I was part golden-child, kind, trying to help my parents, family. Father used me until he got old, then turned on me siding with the adult narcissistic siblings. Mother and I became close. She validated the cruelty said, "they were wrong- they're all mixed up" She said i was smarter than all my siblings- i think she meant emotionally- even though i was labelled the "sensitive" one. I walked away from all my siblings. It was like cutting off a limb, i truly want to be close, love them. I feel relief, yet, grieve the idea of close sisters, brothers. I'm pretty i have a few BPD in-laws, possibly siblings too. My father was a coersive npd, i heard the term at about age twelve- i was sent to a therapist who said, i was articulate, intelligent and wanted to see my parents. Now i see how parents tried to project their emotional issues onto me. A few siblings- copied that behavior into adulthood, scapegoated me. It became a way to defend their bad actions.
This is a very thought provoking video. I remember trying to give my mother a kiss on the cheek before heading off to school as a very young girl and her getting angry and shoving me away. My parents separated after I was born and when I visited my fathers house he would give me a bunch of Lilly of the Valley from his garden. On return home my mother would fly into a rage and shout at me to put the flowers in the bin. I can remember pleading that they were just little white flowers but she was not having it. I also dared to ask, age 4, if the food I was eating was from an animal and again she began to get very angry, but as I loved animals I persisted and she eventually agreed it was. After that I refused to eat meat and her friends would speak about me as if I was not normal and would ask if I was still not eating meat and saying to her that I would grow out of it. I am still vegetarian today as I have always loved animals. I am the youngest of three sisters, and sadly my middle sister that I got on very well with, suddenly died last year and I miss her very much. She moved abroad because my mother was very controlling and often angry. Having watched this video, I do wonder if my mother had borderline personality. But as she died quite a few years ago, I don't suppose I will ever know. Thank you for these very interesting and informative videos.
What a beautiful story of the flowers (my favorite flower). I’m sorry your mom spoiled it.
Notice all her outbursts were when something good was happening to you.
I didn’t know this until last year, but my mom had extreme envy of me. If you look back at your experiences with you mom did she mock you for your talents or interests? Mine did. Even her throwing your clothes from your wardrobe and standing on them. That’s a toddler tantrum. She’s too immature to tell you constructively and has no impulse control because she’s a borderline.
I’m sorry you lost your sister.
Sandra. Much compassion to you for what you suffered in childhood and for the loss of you dear sister. 💚
We used to have to wear handmedowns and often it was embarrassing. Twice that I remember my mom tore a skirt off me while I was wearing it because she complained that I was wearing it too often. I was because it was pretty and fashionable for once and I didn’t feel humiliated wearing it as I was a preteen.
Yes the jekyll & hyde story was our lives.
My mother still acts out greatly if i try to date (im 30). She either threaten blackmail or have a public meltdown making it too much of a weird thing for potential partner. She is totally wicked until you succumb to her wishes-then its a total 180 change. Sweet, overly doting etc. My mother has only calmed down a bit bc i think she realises im the only one left. It she runs me off she'll truly be alone since she has no friends.
This is my mother to a T. It’s like she is deliberately trying to scare off partners.
I wouldn’t tell her I was dating. Time to distance with love. If you are interested in Co-dependency meetings they have really helped me. You can also just buy the Codependent Anonymous book and read it to see if you even want to join a group.
When I was in my early 30s I started dating my current partner. I waited a year to tell my mom bc I knew she would throw a fit, and so she did. Mocking his job to the fact that he wasn’t naturally born American and flat out saying she didn’t want to meet him. Over a decade later she hasn’t apologized about that but oh she became so sweet after she met him. Then she started creating false narratives about him, just when I thought she got a lot calmer. Never let your guard down, they never change.
They never do my mother is the same way
Oh gosh, my mom threw me out of the house after I stood up for my partner. I was already planning on leaving because I wasn’t going to let my partner leave alone. After few days she tried to get me to move back in with her but without my partner. When that didn’t work she invited us both back a week later. We didn’t go back but I’m trying to set safe boundaries for myself and contemplating going no contact at some point.
My covert narc mom who probably had BPD tendencies gave me the gift of Quiet BPD. Took years to get diagnosed and another 10+ years to recover. I still have problems with splitting. I still have a lot of shame stuck at my core even though I know I am a wonderful person. I still look to others to try to reflect my worth back to me. It's hard for me to trust people and trust that they like me for who I am vs. what I do for them. Jay your videos are some of the best I've seen on these topics.
As the victim of scapegoating narc abuse (among other kinds), I have tended to be very thin-skinned in my life, quick to rejection, hyper focused on the badness in others (as a means of self protection). I lost a number of friendships along the way because I couldn't trust. I remember a friend once telling me he felt like he was starting from scratch every time he saw me. These things don't automatically make ME "borderline", but they do give me pause. We victims of severe trauma are not perfect. We have our own flaws and blind spots. We have probably put unconscious demands on those around us, from time to time. I think healing work has to make room for our own imperfections, and even for a kind of empathy or pity towards abusive figures, without for one moment excusing their behaviour or minimising the damage they have caused.
Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I get stuck thinking about how awful things must have been for them but yea, they were definitely making choices and beyond that they seemed to get a kick out of my pain. So messed up
JB. Yes very helpful to think of our blind spots. I now have learned that sometimes I can be very intense talking about difficulties in my life. And friends they don’t really want to know a lot of it.
Omg, are you me? My therapist said the same thing to me a few weeks ago, that she feels like shes just meeting me for the first time every session. I've been seeing her almost 2 years. I have a very hard time trusting people, and when I get a hint that they might be hurtful, which almost everyone is because I have such a thin skin, I slowly disconnect from the relationship and leave. I'm sure I've hurt a lot of people along the way being like this. Not sure if my mother had BPD or narcissism or both or neither. It's all just a confusing mess.
I grew up with a BPD mother with what seems like an infinite rage and hate. She is 95 now and still as evil as ever. I fear she’s going to outlive me and I’ll never know the feeling of release when she’s dead.
They get worse as they get older. When dementia sets in, it explodes.
Have you ever been able to discover anything about her childhood? She would have "grown up" during the war.
@@emil_rainbow My mum had a father who physically abused my grandma and smoke, drank and gambled all their money away. Instead of seeing him as the problem, she saw everyone else as the problem and placed him on a pedestal. However, her sister did not turn out like her. So perhaps the family situation had no bearing and it might have been some genetic anomaly.
My dad has narcissistic traits and has issues with aggression and violence. I have heard his mother was a very cold, cruel woman and they grew up in poverty.
@@Fancyprawn the "Silent Generation" really did suffer in silence.
Mine at 88 finally died last year. I feel a mix of things but very relieved also. I wish you get to have some experience of the world without her.
Wow, I finally get why mom can hate someone one minute and plead for help in getting away from them then be their best friend the next minute and chastise me for mentioning the conflict from yesterday.
The borderline is violent. My mom and younger sister are both borderline’s. They are vampires. They need others to regulate themselves.
It’s interesting how Amber Heard kept throwing bottles at Johnny. My younger sister’s favorite weapon was to throw soda cans at me, striking me in the head when I had my back to her. She’s also closed fist punched me in the back of the head.
When I was really depressed due to the abuse from my family, my sister came over unannounced. My house was a mess since self care was not a priority given my depression. During my sister’s visit I set her off, which didn’t take much. That’s when she unleashed her narcissistic rage. See then started taking pictures of my messy home and said she would share it with everyone.
The borderline has self control. How do I know this. They know how to behave in public or when there are witnesses. I reject the premise that it’s subconscious and they don’t know what they’re doing. Their identity is “victim”.
My sister also tortured her boyfriends. I’m glad borderline and histrionic personality disorder are finally being shared with a national audience.
I agree with your thoughts completely and feel sorry that you, too, had abuse as a child. We are survivors Tania and we are stronger and better-off humans b/c of it. Much love to you and your healing.
I agree with you that BPDs are more strategic, aware and conscious of their behavior. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like a difficult upbringing and experience. I sincerely hope you’re in a better place now.
I don’t necessarily know if I agree that all BPDs are overtly violent.
It’s a good question. I know my mother hit me with a hockey stick before. But I dunno why, I just feel like my experience with BPD from my mother and step mother was largely witnessing behaviors that were extremely premeditated, calculated, concealed and deceptive. It really warps a child’s (particularly the scapegoat) ability to discern healthy connections between adults.
Yes!!
This also sounds like aspects of narcissism, the personalities are similar.
@@ShaeShatz if they are strategic they are not bpd lol. Bpd core is emotional dysregulation and they aren't so good at keeping a mask on. You pretty much described psychopathy.
I’m curious about why a parent would be disinterested in how they affect the child? That’s the unforgivable part. And when that parent purposely tries to cause hardship on the child. I’m also curious about a parent who tries to get a child kidnapped on purpose and not care what happens to them. It’s as if they feel the child’s life is garbage to throw away.
That’s because they DO feel like the child’s life is garbage! They don’t think like a normal person, they only care about using others to self regulate which means punish, abuse, discard at their will and they typically do this to children because they can.
@@meowmeow1stgen668 I watched more videos and there’s a factor of envy. It’s interesting that a parent will see the child as disposable of it makes them look better.
@@TheMoonRain yes, the abusive personality disordered mother is more likely to be envious of their daughter, however this does not save the son.
It's more of a statement than a question I guess? Id love to ask my mom this!
Even garbage people can pop out babies.......
This is so shocking and comforting. Just realized that my parent has had BPD throughout my entire life (30) and I appreciate the information. I thought I was going crazy.
I knew this would be too triggering for me to watch on Mother's Day, but I'm glad I got it in this week. Your analysis is spot on, the most accurate description of my experience. No one gets it like you. The landline phone call example literally was my experience as a child numerous times. Thank you for providing such validation for being a survivor of such parenting.
Very helpful video, thankyou! My mother is a BPD (very much) with some narc traits and father was a high grade narcissistic with strong sociapath/psychopath traits. I have been no contact with father since I was 16 and strongly contemplating no contact with my now 70 year old mother. Childhood was extreme abuse on all levels that I am continuing to heal layer by layer.
The description of your parents fits mine exactly. On top of that, my only sibling has crippling OCD. I’ve been no contact with my father for 8 years yet he still finds ways to make me feel his hate.. my mother is currently in my life but I’ve reached a breaking point and don’t even believe boundaries can save the relationship.. And my brother’s situation is so heavy it’s hard to even be around him or speak to him. Truly a tough cup to deal with. My heart goes out to you for experiencing this pain I’m sure not many can understand
spot on for me.... im happy its all over (for me) and i live alone now
The notion of being in relation with them as disturbing your own sense of inherent goodness….wow. Exactly. It was always my fault.
It's pretty sad that we took that on. Damn
You videos have helped me see that my father is most likely an overt narc and my mother is a covert narc with BPD traits. The narc descriptions fit perfectly. BPD not so much. My wife’s employer’s sister is diagnosed BPD and when I hear stories of some of the things she does I realize that BPD is no joke and my parents probably are more full blown narcs rather than having BPD. They are too “stable” in how their narcissism presents. I’ve often wondered if maybe I had the internalized version of BPD where you lash out at yourself instead of others. DID fits better as far as symptom descriptions go. Scary, scary stuff growing up in these environments.
I’m in a weird spot where I have picked up these behaviors strongly from my mother since I was isolated growing up. My teen years I had no friends and was homeschooled so I soaked up her issues like a sponge. My therapist says the key difference is I recognize them and realize I’m the problem. But that being said I feel like I am a tumor on the lives of everyone around me due to these attributes. I just wish I could wake up as someone else one day. It’s very exhausting
If you can recognise what is wrong, then you are miles ahead of other pwBPD. The vast majority don't even think they are doing anything wrong. They genuinely believe that not only is it OK to behave like that, but that everyone does it. For them, reality only exists in their own minds. I wish you luck in your therapy journey. There is hope for people who can admit it.
This is my mother and aunt to a T. I always thought of them both as covert narcs and/or sociopaths but this is them perfectly. I guess it goes to show how PDs are still being figured out. Thank you, as always. I feel like most of my family was borderline. I bet this is not uncommon.
This was helpful for me. I think my mom has BPD. I have realized that she cannot tolerate real intimacy but she also frequently complains about not feeling close enough to her kids. Trying to make us feel guilty for rejecting her, all the while she is the one rejecting us.
I never realized that moments of intimacy and connection were directly triggering her complaints and devaluations of us. But it sounds right to me. It is a way to break the intimacy.
She is so sweet to most people and no one ever believes me about how abusive she was at home. She secretly beat my four year old brother for several years. I only found out when he turned 19 and told me. She turned off her rage completely when other people came around and when my dad got home from work. It was only for the kids to experience 😞. Terrifying.
I’m 32 now and she hasn’t changed at all.
Best shrink show on the RUclips. Thanks. Like you were a fly on the wall during my childhood.
This is beyond anything what people from normal families could even imagine… I often feel very isolated since even my friends wouldn’t understand. I am 26 years old and my mom with personality disorder and also narcissistic traits took her life nearly 3 years ago. One of the worst things is, she caused so much damage on my soul and then she just disappeared, no letter no explanation left. Just those memories which hurt so much of why did she say that, and why did she do that to me? Questions and sorrow with no possible closure.
Let’s try to stay strong little bit longer
I hope you are able to join a group or work with a therapist dear one.
Im a borderline mother.. I have 2 children under 7 i was just thinking that the only way to set them free forever is to take my life so they can be saved.. Now after i read your comment im afraid that they would be angry and sad just like you.. Idk what to do tbh
Can a person be both borderline and narssistic? I almost think they can
Both are "cluster B" disorders. It is common for an individual to have overlapping cluster b issues.
Borderline is always accompanied with a narcissistic side. You just can not be so so cruel and unfair and not have some level of narcissism. The borderline's facade is fake, so it is narcissistic.
Comorbidity between cluster B disorders is common.
Yes!
All BPDs have a narcissistic side.
Wow!! Excellent descriptions here
. I am SO glad that I’ve found your channel! 😊✌️
Being a child of a BPD parent is very exhausting and mentally taxing everyday.
This is the best and most in depth description of borderline I have ever seen. Really appreciative of the time you took to show this kind of relationship from both sides...it's long term effects on us as well as what makes a bpd person tick. Thank you!
He is like best whatever he done
I thought being the scapegoat of the narcissist was confusing... this is a whole new level!!!!
The most precise description of my childhood with a single parent with borderline personality disorder. Thank you for this explanation!
Thank you so much Jay. If I’m the product of a borderline and narcissist and that’s what was modeled for me. How do I not become either? Love your videos.
Hello! Same here. I work so hard to understand how I was affected, and Jay’s videos have helped me understand the things I was feeling and experiencing.
I think it's really important to stay present and grounded. Breathwork for example. Putting your focus on listening without focusing on thoughts in your head. Ask people what they are thinking rather than trying to mind read. Practice using empathy.
Same! In my case, I knew I had learned no or bad coping skills and when I went out into the real world at 19 or so it quickly became apparent that while others were going fwd in their life, I was not. I got therapy and learned 1. How to cope (as in, you arent required to feel almost suicidal if your boss yells at you, you didn't choose their response and you cannot fix it) and 2. How troubled what I thought my normal family was. It took years to accept that they abused me. I had been gaslit into thinking I was the problem.
J White. A very long road. Just know that deep down you are a ray of God’s own light, or whatever else that’s universal goodness that babies are born with. Also being average is all we need be. Finally accepting the mundane moments of life, the plod. Also getting to know and accept your non so nice side, so that you can practice self control. For anyone with a personality disorder or traits of a personality disorder emanating from abuse and trauma- as is the case, and who is following this site/ there is great hope for them, because in developing awareness and being open to personal reflection the person can make great strides in therapy and make the world better for themselves and others. There are specific therapies nowadays known to help a lot. DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is one. The designer of this Marsha Lenehin has a personality disorder and a journey into healing and progress.
@@z1z2z3z great advice 🙏
Thank you so very much for this, Jay. This video is groundbreaking for me. You have just explained my mom to a T. This new light and knowledge is extremely important for me and helps me to understand on a new level why I am the way I am and how I can fix it..by not shaming myself anymore. Do you have any more videos on Borderline parents coming up? Thank you for all the good work that you do. You are changing lives and all of us in RUclips land are very thankful.
You are so welcome
I had a narc mother and Im the one with BPD as a result. I chose not to marry or have kids in order to kill off this legacy. I keep distance from people because I know of what im capable. Its a hollow life as I myself am empty.
The best solution i could come up with is to use my superpower of valuing to be good to people. And dissappearing when the devaluing happens.
In other words, i give a lot of love to people and when before or as im switching i disappear until i switch back. As a result, i can keep people in my life, even tho no one really knows me. But this way Im not alone
describing my childhood, growing up and adult life with my mother almost word for word
You captured it well. Great words and description of the energy. My Mom, my GM (guessing) and my sibling. There is a Borderline Reaction set of symptoms- suspend judgement/discernment, hypervigilience, collude in self betrayal, self harm, etc. There are variations in how the children react. We had four children and we all processed it differently. Then in adulthood, we make choices about the pattern as adult siblings.
Your words are healing. TY.
The most straightforward explanation of borderline personality disorder on the internet 🎉
There is so much in this video that describe my parents. It seems like both of my parents have the qualities of narcissism and borderline, with my mom exhibiting more of the borderline qualities and often being portrayed as the more unstable one. Both of my parents need people to show them constant adoration and appreciation, often bringing conversations back around to them. They both also switch on a dime and see others as all good or all bad. My mom can go from seeing others as too needy to being engulfing.
I see borderline tendancies in myself, such as seeing others and myself as all good or bad, conditioned in me by my parents. But my behavior towards others doesn't switch on a dime and I don't have a need to attack others to make myself feel better.
Maybe it is the hybrid Borderline Narcissist -
It could be.
Have you read the book "stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist"? It is a book I read about 5 years ago when I started to confront the issues and started healing.
Maybe it will help you in some ways. It may also help people who read this and benefit from Jay's videos.
Wish you well and healing -
I love your response. Thanks for adding it. I too feel like I
Suffering from these feelings or symptoms that jay is using to describe a BPD parent. And while I struggle with black and white thinking, Or feel this constant and nagging emptiness, I know that I am not BPD because I’ve been tested from different therapists independent of one another. So where do these feelings come
From? I surmise it must be the way my mother(s) feel all the time
That we’re projected at me and as I’ve gotten older I must have internalized them. But it doesn’t mean they are accurate.
In fact I think they are distortions. So I must work hard to struggle through them. Hope this may be helpful.
@@ShaeShatz Love this comment, it surely does resonate.
Totally thought I was borderline when I first started learning about all this. We pick up so many traits, like splitting for me. Probably because both parents constantly put distortions on how others perceived me which were completely untrue. They would literally lie to me how other people thought of me. I developed an unsteady paranoia of how I came across and became so hypervigilant in needing to seem perfect that I know I must have had weird energy. I wish so often I could have had normal experiences throughout childhood. I don't know if I knew who I was. I think I do now, and thank goodness we all share here to feel "normal"!
@@21andstuff60 Thanks! I will check out that book. Wish you well and healing also.
Parent, sibling, cousin..
What I would say to all of you who have been brought up by a BPD parent is don’t bring this into a relationship with an innocent person. Deal with your parent by making sure you are capable of setting and enforcing boundaries, if not remove them from your life before you enter into a relationship. It is incredibly selfish to bring someone into such a toxic mentally damaging environment.
My mother suffered from borderline personality disorder and I can't remember not 1 single thing...not one. It's called dissociative amnesia...it was REALLY bad...I mean REALLY bad
I struggle with similar amnesia. I can't remember much of my childhood, aside from the years I spent at boarding school.
Jay, your understanding of these matters is so nuanced and organic. I appreciate how detailed your illustrations are - connecting the dots tightly at a close distance. One really learns from you. Thank you... again💕
Really appreciate this video and the clarity of your explanations. I have a parent with borderline personality (it's been renamed hasn't it to emotionally unstable personality disorder, I think?) and it's been incredibly difficult, traumatic and has taken two decades of work for me to finally be able to see that her rage is about what's going on inside of her, and that I am okay. Thank you.
" how developed a person has been permitted to become...." that is the crux of the matter. I have ended many relationships because of this. People trying to word scenarios to control my usefulness to them. This explains some of the bizarre interactions I've had with people, and how they never get resolved
I feel like you were a fly on the wall in my home - you described it so well. After all these years I finally understand what i lived through. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
Thanks for the great video Jay! For the most part this describes my BPD mother and step mother. Though I wanted to comment and add to the discussion that their is different flavors of BPD. The description of Jays in the video above, and as described by Otto Kernberg, I think more aptly describes more of the extroverted types of BPD mothers as featured in the archetypes witch BPD mother. This was a lot like my step mom. Never really sure what I was going to get from her, yelling screaming etc? My bpd mother, who fits more of a waif/ hermit archetype is much more introverted, reclusive and neglectful by contrast. So while I agree with everything that Jay has said, I just wanted to add that in the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, the author describes many of these various archetypes of BPD and their methods if this is of help to anyone. Have a great day!
“they are aware of power dynamics” they KNOW who they can abuse and sound off on and who they can’t. My mom rarely saw anyone outside of the family because she couldn’t get away with the bat shit with others, but with children, vulnerable children, who needed her for everything’s and whose self worth become dependent on making her happy (impossible)
I wasn't raised by a borderline parent. This video showed up in my news feeds so I clicked on it. But honestly, having a borderline parent sounds horrendous. I feel with all the survivors. However, after listening to your description, I'm pretty sure that my ex-partner was a borderliner. He acted differently towards other people, had crazy mood swings, did horrible verbal abuse, did drugs and had debts etc..Also, whenever we had a nice and harmonic moment he usually started an argument without any reasons. It happened so often that I started to believe that he did it on purpose. I remember I always had to walk on egg shells around him not to trigger his bad mood. That's why I'm coping with post-traumatic symptoms.
I am the child of a diabolically Narcissistic father and a tumultuous and chaotic borderline mother, and my only sibling has OCD so bad he can barely function (trauma based). I myself struggle with severe anxiety and depression, as well as emotional stability. Life so far has been very hard and lonely but I know things will get better. Feels so uphill at times..thank you for the helpful vid
Excellent information! I really needed to hear this today.
Same here. I still ruminate why my sweet 27years old girlfriend has left me out of blue after many spliting before just like that without a word of explanation. It is the fourth month and I still cannot accept how it finished. There was no reason to do it. And without a conversation it is a real torture to my self esteem.
Comparison is the thief of joy
This is me!!! I thought it was Narcissism or Sociopathy
Same here, especially sociopathy...
This description doesn't fit emotionally instability and impulsivity. Specially the part of abusing those they are sure they can get away with and quickly being ass kissers of others.
these cluster b diagnoses all overlap in the most confusing ways. I wish they would redesign the cluster b model. It seems to depend on the mood or situation if they act superior or in fear of abandonment.
Thank you for making this video! Very substantial, good food for thought.
Wow, really underrated video, excellent stuff. Super helpful!
Mystery Solved: Now I understand why my mother so vigorously ran off my friends when I was a child. She even showed up at my school, sitting in the back of the classroom objecting to what the teacher was saying - Naturally, I was outcast by the entire school.
Later when I got a job at a drug store, she came and boycotted the store for selling adult magazines. She could have objected to any number of 1000s of stores in the Greater Chicagoland area - But she chose my store. Naturally, the owner of the store and the employees made my life a living hell.
In short, my mother HAD to run off all my friends. It is part of her pathology!
My father is the narcissist. He gas-lights her continually. So, she fills up with negativity like a static electricity charge. She will need to discharge that bad energy. I am the scapegoat, so quite naturally she will attack me out of the blue - Projecting that shame onto me. I am the designated "bad guy".
Painfully relatable
This is the author related to me that I tried to be kind all the time and now I have these feelings and some of these situations that I feel bad about myself
May I make a suggestion about the editing? I think the content is great, but as I try to pay attention to the words, I also feel very anxious about the cuts in black, like not knowing when they're going to appear and cut the visual contact with the speaker, which is a real important factor in such a deep content... ♥️
Thank you for reading me 😊
It was pretty random with my mom. It didn't matter if I did things perfectly or not... And being autistic it was double hard to guess.
Maybe my mom was autistic too? She was real frazzled after a rollercoaster ride once, it was very stimulating
Hello. Adult diagnosis Autism/ADHD. There's a genetic component to neurodivergence, I'm also wondering if my mother is autistic/ADHD.
I just found out my Dad has BPD. I'm not sure long ago, he's in his 70s. we've been out of touch due to his condition. It's like now I can see how I can be compassionate towards him. I'm sending both he and my Mum a copy of Dr Gabor Mate's 'The Myth of Normal'. I hope whatever underlying emotional issues can be soothed by this book.
TV looked after us🥺🙄🧐🤔
I really needed this vid! And you posted it today! What a sign! Thank you!
I need ti understand so much why my girlfriend has left me out of blue after a very intimate 3.5years relationship. I need to understand what has happened. I cannot stop thinking about it.
The phone example is PERFECT to describe emotionally immature parents as well.
I'm thankful for learning about EIP because a lot of parents are labeled borderline or narcissistic when really it's EIP
Thank you so much. I've felt like no one has ever understood my relationship with my father until now. Puts a lot of things in perspective. The only difference is I'd replace the rages with tantrums and bursting into tears.
Perfect explanation of borderline parent. Thank you.
I want people who grew up with abuse and pain from your guardians (Parents, step-parents, grandparents etc.) just know, this wasn't your fault and it had nothing to do with you. You weren't a bad child or a child that deserved any of this. This was all their issues not yours. You weren't the issue or source of the reason your guardian abused you, it has everything to do with them.
What's odd is I always would ask my dad "Is mom okay?" I never knew what to expect.
I believe my mother was an undiagnosed bpd. My dad was an avoidant personality who checked my mom occasionally but mostly he just kept his head down and let the chaos reign.
Rage & or indifference. Yep.
Not sure I would call my father borderline. It was much more complex than that.
All I know is coming out of it alive is a miracle.
For a child taught no life skills, I still have hope for myself. I will focus on my good qualities.
No one should attempt to control another's emotions or project their emotional dysfunction onto them.
Ditto for my mum. Borderline, yes, but something else going on there too
Topsy turvey is correct. I can recall just a couple of years ago, my parent was raging and mean and continued giving me barbs as we walked to a friends party, and the moment the door was opened my parent turned into a total different person, RIGHT before my eyes!!
I honestly do not believe that my mother, despite calling me ungrateful for calling out her bad behavior, is borderline. She is more narcissistic than she is borderline. I still need to talk to a psychiatrist about it so I can get myself diagnosed.
They've got more in common than not imo
11:23 i just saw this awesome distinction between the 2 pds
Excellent video Jay
can you talk about npd/bpd abuse that is manipulative and doesn't involve yelling? I'm sure not all of them scream and some just use disappointment, passive agression and coercive character assasination
More videos on this subject would be fantastic. Thanks so much!!!
I wouldn't wish having a borderline mother on anyone. It's basically like being an emotional burn victim...you will struggle your whole life to get over it.
Thank you Sir for doing these Video's. I'm using them so I can learn, my husband is the scapgoat of a Nar mother . I have been attempting to understand this dinamic and thus far i' was clueless . Then I found your video's . Again thank you .I grew up in La county (Downey Ca ) my Parents were not like this so my husbands family has thrown me for a loop so to speak, I knew they where odd but until know i didn't understand .My eye's are now wide open and now i am not feeling so bad about ditancing myself from these people.
Can I say something funny? The description of the bpd parent sounds like how Asian and Hispanic moms are shown in funny shorts. I know in real life this is very difficult for the families.
Mine was missing the rage, but all the emotional manipulation you can imagine was present.
I want people who grew up with abuse and pain from your guardians (Parents, step-parents, grandparents etc.) just know, this wasn't your fault and it had nothing to do with you. You weren't a bad child or a child that deserved any of this.
Could one be both a narcissist and have BPD? My mother was violent; turned on a dime. Then would give me the "why do you make me hurt you?" speech. She treated me and my dad terribly, yet he would defend her actions. He'd tell me to love her anyway.
Borderlines are often violent minus npd.
I have a BPD Dad and a Narc twin brother. It's a nightmare. You'll always be doing something wrong, no matter how hard you try. It's almost impossible to have healthy relationships with these people.
Sounds like psychopathy. My mother acted exactly the same. My parents had a store and one day my sister hit me, i complained to my mother and she took me to the office in the back and tortured my for hours, slapping, pulling my hair, screaming at my face, putting her hands around my neck..as soon as a client would step in she would go with a calm demeanor, serve the client and continue ther torture session.
The phone example was weekly.
My mother was never depressed, never self harmed, no suicidal ideation. She abused only those who she has control over including her younger siblings and then her children.
This is not "emotional dysregulation", i have it an because of that doctor concluded i have bpd traits but when i break down i break down in front of anyone and I'm more likely to lash out to someone i perceive who has power over me like a manager or boss...so i definitely don't get away with it. Consciously harming those who cannot defend themselves doenst sound like emotional instability. Something doesn't add up.
@ Taylor Sky : i agree. My parents were the same - all when no one else was around.
@@kimlec3592 Right. Doesn't seem like the person has lack of control over their emotions or is acting on impulse as BPD is described.
My emotional dysregulation can be very public if I perceive being attacked by someone who has power ot authority over me I bark back on the spot I don't swallow it and come home and kick the dog. Also if I'm heated it's very difficult to shift and calm down that quickly, i would need a shower, wash my face with cold water, open a window and get fresh air. I'm also prone to depression and a bunch of physiological issues like allergies and autoimmunes.
But my mother is super healthy, 70 and rocking. The power trip of having personal punch bags for 20 years at her service and knowing she could get away with it gave her life. Something really doesn't add up.
Cluster B personality disorder traits. Often co-morbid with narcissistic personality disorder.
I found out my mother had BPD when my good friend was diagnosed and I told her. She responded by say thats what they said I had. I looked it up and was so glad I finally knew where all those years of the yelling and screaming and her controlling me came from. What should I do now that I know.. I am an adult now
Excellent presentation. Thank you.
I would hazard a guess my stepfather is a narcissist and my mother is both borderline and narcissistic. I don't have contact with either of them.
12:44 aha! So I do need to set my boundaries more firmly when the person with bpd is in a rage and says things that hurt me.
They need to undo everything
During my childhood , If I didn’t do EVERYTHING with my mom ( even to use the toilet) i had to deal with the shame of setting boundaries just for my basic privacy. Fast forward to today, BPD mom is still doing the same crap only i do not allow it. She cries if i tell her to give me space. She also tells everyone i am a bad daughter if i dont want to take her everywhere with me. I always felt like that parent to her. She was abandoned as a child, so i understand…. but i also understand that it isn’t my responsibility to make sure she is regulated