SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT: WHAT HAPPENS AS WE GROW UP (BOOK CLUB | DR. KIM SAGE)
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
- This video describes the messages and interpretations we might receive from parents who may struggle with UNTREATED Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent," written by Roth and Friedman.
As always, the intention of this video and information is to help validate those who were raised by parents who struggled, and not to further stigmatize those individuals with BPD.
There has been a massive shift in the diagnoses of BPD, and increased awareness, and it's important to know that treatments like DBT, DBT parenting skills and other treatment modalities can be incredibly helpful and effective in supporting those with BPD.
However, this video and the book are focused upon validating and helping the children of parents with BPD, and there is no real way to validate without also acknowledging the range of experiences and impacts upon children, when parents were (or are) untreated, unsupported and/or unaware or uninterested in getting treatment.
Regardless of diagnostic labels, which are generally not helpful, it can be incredibly validating to finally understand why a parent may have treated us certain ways in childhood, and in our adulthoods as well.
Knowing what we now know, about the impact of trauma and mental health upon the development of children, I am hopeful that we can move in a direction of helping and validating children and parents who suffer, so we can all benefit as individuals, families and societies...
xo
****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drsagehelp.com
**************************
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Cold hard truth: Most people with this disorder probably shouldn't have children. It's gonna be enough for that person to just responsibly manage themselves. They should at most maybe have a romantic relationship with a person who has a really great support network. People with BPD can be enjoyable, but they can never be anyone's reliable rock. It's like a central part of the disorder that don't want to be anything but a small child with no responsibility for anything but soothing their own emotions first and foremost.
As a child who grew up with a BPD mother, I have to agree
Funny how I think the same about people who generalize, they shouldn't reproduce, they'll only make more ignorant people who blindly criticize others from their fake high horses.
100% agree
Most people shouldn't have children because of untreated mental illnesses. The world should have no more then 800K humans on it, and at the first sign of mental instability you should be ... recycled.
Children of BPD parents know-when you hear that dreadful sigh, it means that parent had a bad day. It also means they’re getting ready for battle, to unleash their wrath onto you. When I hear my BPD parent sigh, an alarm gets set off in my body. It wants me to spring into action, to help them have a better day. My first thought is oh no what did I do wrong this time, I thought I did everything I needed to do to avoid this. My mind runs though a mental list -did I do the dishes? Check. Did I wipe down the tables? Check. But every time, no matter how hard I try to get everything done in order to protect myself I always miss something. Something will set them off, even it is just a singular coffee ground on the floor. You cannot predict their moods, ever. Since I was a child I actually figured out that I was safe on Fridays and Saturdays because that’s when my BPD parent was in a good mood. But not Sundays because they had to work the next day. Mondays and weekdays were always the riskiest, though.
Screw their sighs!!
Please don’t stop this series Dr Kim. You are helping so many of us. IMO it’s always our feelings and what we’re going thru that gets disregarded to the BPD person’s feelings. This space you are creating is so validating, insightful and truly a safe space for us. You are appreciated and frankly I’m sick of their offense and their feelings being more important than ours. They can move on and find their own space.
Yes, it's so important to not disregard our experiences - thank you so much for the reminder❤️
Amen. I want people with BPD to have spaces to get productive help, but I don't think the victims of their abuse should be shamed into sugarcoating how damaging it is to be in relationship with someone suffering from untreated BPD. A lot of BPD people try to infiltrate these spaces and shut people up about what they've experienced by accusing them of stigmatizing. But it's like, hey, you're doing this to yourself. You don't have to break this boundary into a space crafted by and for people who have been hurt by people with BPD. A central problem in dealing with them in the first place is that they are always victim #1 -- no matter what they've done to hurt others -- and their emotions are always so important no other emotions from anyone else should have any space or relevancy.
You worded this so perfectly ❤ thank you
Family members have been subjected to constantly having to give way, rotate around, concede, and prioritize those with BPD forever. I applaud you for having the fortitude and being an advocate for the children (now many of us adults like me). The number of channels dedicated TO the BPD outnumber the other by far. Please keep up your advocacy! Those who criticize, too bad- there are plenty of other channels and support for you. WE are the ones trashed by the wayside and need some dedicated support without apologizing for once!
Hi Dr Sage. Your videos have been life changing for me. I just appreciate your knowledge and spirit so much. Thank you! Just a quick note, while I appreciate your care and caution around the sensitivities of people with BPD (and I’ve actually always thought you’ve been really good at holding people with BPD with kindness, care and understanding) I’m really pleased you decided to continue with this topic despite some of the apparent negative feedback from people with BPD that you alluded to in your intro. I find it interesting that you perhaps feel a sense of ‘stepping on eggshells’ around some of your viewers with BPD. Isn’t this exactly what happened to us in our own relationships with our mothers. I feel we do need to talk about this, and I myself am so tired of being so careful (hypervigilant) all the time when speaking to or about people with BPD.
Yes you are exactly right - thank you so much for reminding me❤️
🤗♥️
Hell yes great observation.
Hi all! This has a long intro - so feel free to start around 6mins or so if you don't want to hear about why I almost stopped this series....hope you have a lovely weekend. Much love...❤️
You have a nice weekend too, Dr Kim.
Please don’t stop speaking about untreated borderline parents and effects on loved ones. You bring your own experience and your professional knowledge in a way that is enormously helpful. I appreciate you addressing this subject and appreciate your videos.
I truly appreciate the vulnerability you share here and in so many of your videos lately. For what it's worth, I think that erring on the side of providing validation and support for people raised by parents with borderline symptoms is definitely the right call. I do understand how people with BPD may feel shamed or called out, and I understand the stigma of the disorder needs to be addressed. But frankly, if they are allowed to openly explore the factors that contributed to their mental health conditions, including the trauma and abuse they may have suffered in their childhoods, then we are equally entitled to explore the effects of being parented by someone with BPD. We are just as entitled to validation, understanding, and healing as they are.
Yes, you are right and I agree, thank you so much❤️
dont worry about criticism, there are people who are serial criticizers, they will object no matter what you do. I encourage you to keep imparting your knowledge and experience
Thank you so much❤️
Oh my word. You are right. I have searched and searched for helpful/therapeutic info designed for adults who were raised by undiagnosed, untreated runaway freight trains. My childhood felt like being dragged behind a horse. (An angry, impulsive, arrogant, party animal - single parent- horse) It is terrible to suffer under this kind of parenting, without getting any real explanation for the suffering -while growing and developing. She angrily refused to accept the various diagnoses from doctors along the way, and also did not share with us any of this info. So I grew up with blindfolds from her, and her explanations of life. Children experience the consequences of poor and erratic decisions by parents like this. I care very much about my own mental health and stability. But the way I grew up remains a great challenge for me. My mother is now deceased… and my struggle for understanding of what happened to my brothers and me has been life-long. (I am now 57) I deeply appreciate your giving attention to this subject matter. THANK YOU for your work Kim!!!
Undiagnosed, untreated runaway freight train. That is one of the most accurate descriptions I have ever heard. Bravo.
Growing up with borderline mother was very traumatic for me. She was aggressive and violent, sometimes, choking and hitting me in the face as a child and fighting other people and trying to start arguments with my father. Thank you for speaking about this because that is what I had to deal with as a child and no one in her family wants to deal with her.
Dr. Sage, adding my voice to the chorus that this is vital work. It's hardly astonishing that a group of people who are defined by their comfort with extreme and abusive behavior are coming at you hard for holding them accountable for their inexcusable and evil actions. The abuse you're receiving is, sadly, an unmistakable sign of the vital need for your work. My marriage would not have survived if my spouse and I had not gotten this vital information that helped us understand why we turned into the people we did.
I assume one of the tricky bits of responding to RUclips comments and emails is that you have the urge to absorb them therapist-style - especially since a lot of people use a comment box as therapy, knowing that someone out there will read/listen.
But the videos are different than therapy (just as your legal disclaimer says). They're education; they're information. To respond to feedback as if it's a therapy dialogue - as if we're patients asking you to change the subject or investigate in another way - implies that these videos are closer to therapy than they are.
That's my take on how to carve out a better distinction for your RUclips content. We're students, not patients - no matter how many comments are from would-be patients.
I appreciate this series, as I continue down my thinking that my dad's mother was borderline, and I received residual effects of my dad not getting this type of material. One thing I *especially* appreciate is that you are coming at this closer to my parents' generational perspective than my own. It's a vital reminder to me that I'm not just in some intergenerational turmoil that I can't understand (I'm 37), and that there's hope for my parents to heal from things they've chosen to run away from.
A life of no-win situations, dammed if you do dammed if you don't. It's a problem if you don't grow up and don't move away and it's a problem if you do. Its a bit of a drain on your sense of self, and direction in life and your self-confidence. I feel the need for a happy medium but haven't found it yet, just the promise of it, in ideology.
I am so blown away by your description of BPD. My mom had the majority of the traits along with narcissism and you are really helping me. Thank you.
Wow! Yes, there was an absolute shift once I had children, my mom did not like my boundaries. Ruined our relationship, plus she loved gaslighting which was awful and destructive. I had to end my relationship with her because she was pulling the same manipulative behaviors with my children.
Dr Sage, you're videos have been a needed beacon of validation for those of us with untreated BPD parents. I came across your videos last year about mama trauma & it was my first aha moment that the life I lived with my mother actually had a name. I could never precisely coin how to describe all that I experienced or her needy & childish personality until I had to deal with my own mental health. Finally, it wasn't just me being sensitive & that my burdensome childhood was legit. Majority of the characteristics you've highlighted about BPD parents behavior are as if they are talking about my upbringing exactly. Sorry you had negative feedback, but your own experience along with these videos are for the greater good because you come from a place of understanding & compassion, which most of us affected this way yearn for someone to really acknowledge what we went through & for some, are still going through with the aging BPD parent. Please don't let those naysayers stifle your voice. Thank you for all you do!
First: Please don’t stop this series! It is amazing and just what so many of us need.
Second: I’ve come to the realization that our adult relationships with BPD or NPD parents are worse, especially after we have kids, because for me, I felt a real unconditional love between myself and my child and as they grew… I could never imagine talking to/treating my child as my mom has treated me! Plus when we are children we don’t know any different. We may see or family dynamics and compare them to other families, but I feel like we begin to get clarity one we move out and start our own lives away from the BPD/NPD parents.
I just wanted to say, thank you so much for creating these videos! I am an adult finally realizing, over the psst year, that there is a very fitting/likely label for my parents' lifelong pattern of behavior (petulant BPD mother, covert NPD father). I've been doing a ton of research, learning all I can about the impact on children of parents with PDs / eggshell / immaturity. Videos like yours give me so much hope, a sense of options for healing, and great tools, skills, and journal prompts!
I have long been passionate about reducing mental health stigma, improving access to culturally competent mental health care, including MH clients in policy discussion that impacts them, etc. And I do NOT feel that you are contributing to stigma when you make frank, honest educational content for people like me (raised by pwPDs). It is also not wrong to speak truth about your own experiences. In my opionion, people with PDs would ideally want the best for their children, partners, others who may be impacted by harmful behavior patterns. Their families (etc) deserve accurate, honest, uncensored healing resources. Remember: not all opinions have to be taken on as truth; getting some pushback is not necessarily a sign that you have dine wrong or should stop speaking up. Thanks again for all you do, and have a lovely weekend!
Yes, you are right and I truly appreciate your thoughtful response❤️
I think it’s so important for you to share your personal experience along side the literature. It’s really helped me as a child of a possible borderline parent to understand and empathize. I always take all of these videos with a grain of salt and seek multiple sources when learning. But personal experience is very helpful. And frankly reactions like that feel very appropriate to the eggshell nature of that personality.
So true- thank you so much❤️
Was thinking.. if my borderline mother does not see themselves for who they truly are.... And there is a enmeshed dynamic going on between parent and child. Does this not explain another layer as to why enmeshed dynamic between not just parent and child but borderline and child does so much damage to a healthy development of identity? Because not only does she project her identity onto you, she projects her ''false'' self on to you? Completely warping your identity, especally if the main caregiver in your life and source of emotional connection, is your mother.
Yes, brilliant and thought provoking - I think that has to be a huge part of our struggles...thank you so much❤️
@@DrKimSage Thanks a lot. 💙
So, so helpful! Your videos have been eye opening and I can finally make sense of what happened in my childhood and now adult relationship with my mother. I have learned so much and have been able to implement boundaries that have changed my adult life. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and knowledge with me. It has been a huge blessing!
Thank you so much for sharing this!❤️
Dr. Sage I can relate a lot with you. Please keep doing what you do. It doesn’t matter the past it’s what we have learned from the past, and what we’re doing to be better.
Thank you so much❤️
A hallmark of some of these conditions is being unable or unwilling to acknowledge the pain that they cause others, and children in particular. Speaking the truth doesn't equal creating stigma. I believe sufferers of these personality disorders deserve their own spaces and support - but not at the expense of the children and adult children who have been wounded immeasurably by parents with those same conditions and need the space and resources to heal. Thank you for always showing compassion for the sufferers of these disorders, while firmly holding a space for traumatised children and adult children to be validated and feel connected.
Thank you for continuing this topic
Thanks. You are absolutely great and doing a REALLY good job. Thanks. I REALLY needed this. It helped me to understand someone that I know that struggle with this. It helps me to understand this person more.
Thank you so much for saying that Ladenna, I appreciate you!❤️
Unfortunately you are experiencing on a global scale what people raised by borderlines experience on a small scale. And given your upbringing, I'm sorry you have to go through it.
I just subscribed to your channel to show support for what you do. Don't stop!!!!!!
You are yelping more than hurting. There always will be people who have to be critical. Don't stop! As long as YOU enjoy doing this then fo it.
I'm 63 my mother 93 and it's been a very rough ride my whole life. It's n8ce to get help and read others comments.❤
Dr. Sage: I'm not sure I understood the first part of your video. I am sorry if you are receiving responses from some who view your position negatively. I am very grateful for what you are providing us. Some of it is going to be hard to hear and grabble with, but we need to hear these things to work out our experiences so that we can understand who we are. We are the products of our past experiences. To correct the problems in our lives we have to know the past.
You said three things that I am struggling with: 1.) remembering your past with a difficult parent. 2.) Your relationship to your mom worsening in your adulthood. 3.) never feeling like you were an adult around your mom
I am having a difficult time reconciling the mom of childhood who seemed very removed from my awareness and the very cold and even cruel mom in my adulthood.
I am so very sorry you've had these painful experiences and I truly appreciate you and your response❤️
Thank you so much for this series, I often struggle to fully digest the content of stuff like this so having a licensed psychologist extrapolate certain points is priceless. Please keep listening to your instinct about helping adult children of parents with BPD, it's been life changing for me ❤
That absolutely WAS a good way to say and explain that. It makes things clearer to me. Thanks for sharing. MANY blessings to you and yours in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ of NAZARETH. The name above ALL names. ❤❤❤
When I first started to understand parent wounds and how they might apply to me, I had to work through a grieving process in order to accept the wound. Before acceptance, I blamed and sided with people who agreed with my assessments. Perhaps many of the unpleasant comments you receive come from people at that stage in the journey.
After accepting the wound, I was able to see the gifts and inner strengths it called forth in me and I also realized the wound might reopen at times as life events triggered unconscious feelings and memories, and that the person who wounded me might never be able to acknowledge the hurt inflicted or reconcile with me, and that’s okay as long as there are people like you who guide us and communities you form like this one to support the life-long healing process.
Don't stop. Here is something light-hearted, but also very wise: "We could all take a lesson from the weather: Pay no attention to criticism".
This really hits me. My mother has zero awareness that she wasn't a perfect mother. The dramas she created! I really feel for my elder sister, who was given far too much responsibility far too young, and never did anything right in our mother's eyes.
I feel like growing up the way we did, we were socialized to always consider the needs of our parents first and foremost, often to the detriment of our own needs. A lot of the backlash of videos such as yours feels like that demand all over again, that we should ignore our needs to cater to the needs of someone else. It's not selfish or bad to want to discuss what happened to us, and have a space to heal from that. I don't think they intended to hurt us, but the fact remains that we were hurt by their actions. The random internet people who complain about you "stigmatizing" them don't mean to hurt people, either, but by demanding that we always consider them first is hurting us. (And isn't being mindful of their own recovery, either.)
🌱🌏💚 KiaOra. Good morning Kim. New viewer. Your channel is the only one I've found which discusses BPD/NPD on such a comprehensive level. I'm so glad that you've decided to persevere & continue with this & related subjects. You have a rare talent for both being real whilst also maintaining empathy & respect. Thank you, I appreciate you very much. 😊
Please, please, please continue doing these videos. My mother was borderline and my brother is a narcissist and I definitely find your videos helpful.
I have a diagnoses of AVP, BPD, CPTSD and a Dissociative Amnesia. Disorganised Attachment.
We need to talk about these things even when it’s really uncomfortable to do so. Even when you feel shame about your reactions, behaviours and way of being when you did not know better.
My Daughter struggled during her childhood and her experience of me still affects her. I atone by doing The Work and seeking repair every single day. I didn’t ask for the terrible abuse I endured but I am responsible for my repair. That’s my job only I can do that.
Having a Borderline Mother myself meant that I had awareness around I protecting her from much of myself but not all of me. We are both about ensuring that Trauma Lines are broken in the here and now. We are about transparency and repair.
All of the above are for me labels and I don’t cling to them. But that is where I am in my repair - I find labels fuel my hopelessness. They have been helpful for me to understand what’s going on in my body and mind seek the appropriate treatments but I now consider them symptoms of extreme childhood abuse.
Keep posting. I’m not offended and I don’t think your adding to stigma. Personality Disorders have been coming up in my Mothers line and my Fathers line for a long time. I want to talk about that. I want to change that. I want to do better. I want repair! My Grandkids deserve that.🙏⭐️🦋
I had a father that was on the spectrum for autism. A mother that was.
An angry abusive Borderline. A wicked combination.
Dear Dr. Kim, I’m so grateful you decided to continue. Your channel has helped me beyond words, and I can’t imagine how hard it can be to share, and to talk it these deeply personal matters in a public space. I can barely post a comment, so what you’re doing has my deepest respect, but most of all, my deepest gratitude.
Hii!! Please don’t stop making these videos !!! I just found you the other day and I have been watching your videos and omg they have been such an eye opener to me and they are helping me to understand myself better, in ways I never could before. When I watch your videos it’s scary how accurate your descriptions are to what I’ve been through, and still go through with my parents. I grew up with both my parents being what you refer to as borderline parents. Childhood was very difficult and even into my adulthood it still affects me. My parents are still the same to this day and try to guilt me for not being what they want, and they are among other ways that you’ve mentioned. I struggle everyday with myself because of the way they’ve treated me and the things they say. I’m trying so hard not to be like them and sometimes in the little things I recognize how I can resemble my mom’s behavior in my other relationships. I don’t want to do that, and your videos even in this short period of time, are helping me to first understand why I act that way, but also by recognizing and knowing this, I have the power to control my own behavior and change it. Your videos are not only helping me with healing my behavior, but also my mindset. Because I tend to always think that something negative will happen or that what someone did was because they don’t care.. I’m working on being more positive though so thank you thank you thank you. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole world I didn’t understand before.
I really like your videos. It is so insightful to me. I totally relate since I am your age and I had a mother with exactly the same borderline traits. And a father with narcissism. My mother is still undiagnosed, needless to say. Of course, I was the Problem according to them. I left „home“ with 17. I finished school, studied and became very successful due to my perfectionist mindset. But I still feel inadequate and „not enough“. I am so happy to see you since am doing so well on the outside. But inside is simply a different story. thanks for your videos. It is incredibly helpful. Also for me living on the other side of the world. I am thrilled not to be as alone as I thought I am
I just want to express my appreciation to you and your channel, for shedding a light on these things, as a child of a mother that does have borderline there’s not many resources out there for us nor is their support. Everywhere you look when anybody’s talking about borderline it’s more so …woe is them and doesn’t talk about how the ruin relationships and how badly it affects and traumatizes us kids. You have healed me a bit to be honest. Being able to understand and be validated has helped me more than words can express.
THANK YOU for making these videos! I feel like you’re making them just for me. It has been incredibly validating and healing to watch this series. It makes me realize I am not alone and what I experienced has a name. Please keep going!
That video you mentioned is how I found these videos. That 9 traits video was the first time that I saw things I experienced with my mom. These videos are helping me not hate my mom. It doesn't make me see her worse. I already see her as the person that hurt me my whole life.
This series comes at the perfect moment for me, thank you so very much 💐
Thank you so much for making these videos.
Thank you Dr. Sage for still posting this and this series. I cannot put into words how much you’ve helped me this year. I don’t live in my home country, so when I visited in november for a couple months, I had an extremely eye opening experience. Although not together, my mom stayed at my dad’s initially just for a couple months to get a job, but then stayed for years. He just got diagnosed with advanced cancer when I arrived. It was very disturbing how overbearing and intrusive she was, when he already was so helpless. I had to force her to move out to allow him some space which obviously made me the enemy, and I was met with pure rage daily for two months. My mother’s behaviour escalated to the point that I had to bring family with me to get advice from a clinician who confirmed she has borderline. This all came to a shock to me, as I never realised how scared she makes me, and how confused I’ve been my whole life by it. I found your videos in the midst of it all, and without exaggeration- you’ve changed my life and my self worth. I even managed to build up the courage to cut the connection with her a couple months ago. Especially after watching your video regarding no contact. It felt like someone finally understood me. I just really want to thank you, these videos were my gateway out of despair, and you’ve really made this a beautiful safe space.
Thank you for this serie and your video in general. After several therapies, I found a great therapist that explained me what BPD is and the impact on children of BPD parent. This has been mind-blowing for me. Your videos are great ressources for people like me trying to find the right words to put on what we've been through all our life. Thank you for that
Please don’t stop! ❤
I have loved all your content!!!!! I’m so grateful I found you and that you do these videos. Please continue and don’t listen to the critics.
So glad you decided to continue this series. Invaluable for many of us struggling to unravel a lifetime of what seems like endless emotional knots and contradictions. Thank you so much.
I love your videos they’ve helped me tremendously! Please 🙏 gnome (if possible) the people who are negative. They probably lack awareness and insight!!!
Dr. Sage I am so sorry that you have endured negative feedback on your videos. You are giving the world such a wonderful and precious gift. Your videos help so many, I know they have been a tremendous help to me. I spent the biggest part of my adult life wondering why my mom hated me so much. After her passing last year I found medical documentation that she actually suffered from 5 different mental illnesses. And she did not seek medical help either through therapy or medication. That's when I realized that her heart loved me but her mind got in the way. And like you said it wasn't all bad, but honestly there was more bad then good. I am on the journey of healing, not exactly sure how to do it. But each tiny step is good and I figure when I am ready for the next step it will be known to me what that is. Thank you again for what you do, you are truly a being of love and light. Many blessings to you and your family.
Thank you for explaining everything in a manner I can understand. I shared your name with my sister, who has been estranged from our mom for about 10 years. She is in therapy but not concerning our mother. She lost her husband, son and dad in a short period of time. She's taking one step at a time. Hopefully she can address our mom issues at some point. ♥️🙏
Thank you! Very helpful. I'm great full for these videos ❤
Please, don’t stop these videos. ❤
Oh yes keep going, u cant stop now this is your intention to share and explore very complex sensitive topics. In fact your wording about BPD is so fresh it just landed in me that this is what my mom has! Her sister is more like covert narcissist according to descriptions...i was thinking if only i could find what she had i would feel settled finally. She now has alzheimers so i cant resolve anything or ask her questions anymore. All i knew is she was emotionally immature (that was a big help already). Thank you and stay focused despite the naysayers or blablabbers :) we love this info. Whomever doesnt wanna listen or disagrees, dont watch. Punto e basta.❤
Thank you so much for sharing this information with us. I am understanding more and learning to detach to save myself. I have never been able to make her happy. I make her miserable by being me. She cannot control me. She does not remember what she says. She does not hear me if I confront her. She feels insulted. It's a heavy pain that I carry around and try to hide. I feel like I am done trying to please. I'm in my 50s now and I feel so tired. Why is the focus of her guilt, blame and anger on me for so long? There is silent treatment and slamming cupboards, her headaches are the fault of her family. You are the first to explain this to me. Believing it is not my fault feels like it will take a long time to sink in. When people are sad because their moms' die I don't understand it. What would it be like to have a mom who was truly happy for you and wanted you to be happy ? I look forward to taking your classes and I am so grateful for what you are doing.
This describes my mother perfectly and why I set high standards for myself. I go out of my way to reach for perfection and make others happy.
hi, thank you for being here, and for being there; my world would be a lot smaller without you. When I first started to realize just how harmful my parents were, I also realized how much under stress they were, and in the many hundreds of discussions that I had with them, I emphasized that I realized they had been wonderful in many ways and been under a lot of stress, but that they had literally destroyed my life.
Thank you for mentioning socioeconomics, it's really important! and also the reluctance to get treatment, as born-again Christians my parents felt that if they went to a psychiatrist they would “lose” their Christianity, but they sent me to several Christian psychiatrists when they thought I had lost my Christianity. LOL talk about a nut house! Anyway, of course I developed bad parenting and bad supervisory skills from my parents, wish I could go back and undo the damage I did.
Please keep making this type of content. It I'd so helpful to me as the daughter of a BPD mom, but also as a licensed social worker. I do geriatric BH case management and trauma from parents is still very salient in my work with this population. And so is their regret and difficulty understanding their strained relationships with their own adult children. As clinicians we have to be able to talk about real life as it is, and not every piece of content is for everyone or meant to be a universal perspective.
Have to say something that may sound cold, but the death of my BPD parent while sad in some ways was a relief in other ways.
The cabinet slamming, the terror hearing her car coming in, the stamping around the house and rage. My stomach was always in a knot when she got home. Holidays and birthdays had to have some aggression, and chaos due to her behavior and starting arguments. Glad it is over.
Please keep speaking truth regardless. I really needed this video.
Your work has helped me find my voice from years of eggshell silence growing up with this treatment.
I didn't know that lost time/memory gaps were common with being raised by a BPD parent, and I was just pondering over a year in my life where I have no recollection what I was doing for a summer as a child. I was one of those who drew and created fantastic worlds to escape life too.
I feel better from listening to you. Much love.
Thank you for your openness. Thanks for the long intro.
My mom and I are probably both BPD or both narcissistic? Or one and the other. The point is I need to stop this and I’m struggling. I have 3 kids.
Oh yes please. Friendship 😭
Dear Dr Kim
You are amazing
If anyone is criticizing you
It is sort of like a bpd parent coming after a child- don’t speak up
Protect me
Don’t let anyone know
They don’t usually get help
And zing our hearts so we help them emphatically
We can move these bpd people along
Yes we are talking about both sides
Don’t feel badly you are at the forefront helping us all!
Best to you
Doc, where have you been all my life!?!
At the risk of sounding trite here, may I just suggest that as long as you’re talking to us from your heart, being honest (and in no way am I saying that you’re not) and straight, it should be enough. There will always be those who will complain, judge and criticize you; just stay focussed on your message and information sharing because what you have to say really matters.
Don't let the people who have borderline dictate how you talk about it. They need to take responsibility for the emotions and stop blaming society for their problems. They will always find a way to be the victim, including blaming mental health providers for talking about it. Borderline personality causes you to be abusive to those around you. You are no longer the abused child. You are the abusive adult. This issues causes victims of your abuse to be gaslit and not understand how you abused them.
❤
please don't let "other people" who are not the target group stop you with their negative feedback. If they don't like it, they can simply not watch it or ignore it and if you get comments and other nagging of people struggling themselves with BPD there are enough videos and channels on youtube, websites etc, therapists etc where they can find their support. Just simply ignore their comments, and don't give them your attention its a waste of energy on those people
Does BPD present similarly to Bipolar with mixed features? My loved one was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with mixed features. And, I’m guessing such states could affect the person’s children in the same way?
'So fly" mmm
Hello dr. How can I register for your sessions?! Online. Thanks
❤️✌️
It feels like you are walking on egg shells for the borderline people as you are presenting your videos .
Thank you, as always, for your excellent content. May I suggest you not fall into the "down the nose at boomer" trap that is so pervasive? Do you realize that many of us are only a few years older than you? (Just really sick of having so much dumped on so-called boomers these days, especially since most people don't seem to realize that this is the age group born 1946-1965, not everyone over 55 ;o)
You are a pioneer on this topic. Not many talk about it the way you do. Keep going as you have. You are paving the way for us trying to break the cycles. I relate cause you use more lamens terms that I can understand easier. I believe that my mother tried to love me deeply while hating herself (which is so confusing and is almost impossible). I hope/believe we are on the verge of breaking the stigmas helping those with BPD to effective treatments (if they want to change). 🤞🙏💔❤️🩹