Which situation that Dr. Ramani shares in this video do you most relate to? Let us know in the comments below - we want to hear your story. Watch the rest of this video series featuring Dr. Ramani instantly HERE: bit.ly/323hNhA
Hi, Dr. Ramini. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder when I was 37, apparently I slipped through the net! Then I was rediagnosed with BPD, and now with MIXED PD! I look everywhere for a talk or a write up on it, but I can't find anything about it. I know their are 9 PD Traits, in 3 clusters; A, B & C but apparently I have some of each one! Could you do a talk on this for me, please? With thanks, Sharon Bowie Frost xx
Hi. So tone of voice really resinated with me. I i constantly argue with my boyfriend about how he said something hurt almost more than what he said. Then he blows me off and says things like what does that even mean. Your being dramatic.
Bpd posses one of the most painful self awarenesses in mental health. We know. We really do. The over stimulation, the constant thoughts of "maybe I'm autistic", the worry that we're narcissistic. It is NONSTOP mental review & over analyze.
I don't know who hates us more, ourselves or others. I honestly hate my emotions and fatigue. Emotional and psychological abuse is where I got it, no doubt. I was programmed to view everyone as hostile and hateful towards me because the ones who should love me the most treated me that way. I was programmed to feel rejected by everyone, and my emotions respond as such.
Wow Theresa!! You hit it on the head!! Because everyone I knew was hostile + unhinged towards me at all times. Now I’m getting uptight from anyone who approaches me, thinking they’re gonna be hostile. - and not everyone means us harm. So we could be pushing good people who like us, we’re pushing possible friends away.
@Jennifer 27 who will want you? Jennifer - you do. It sounds like to me that you were raised by parents who were not there for you. They were abusive + dismissive to you. Not because of you, per se, it could have happened to the child (you) they had on your date of birth. Think about it for a minute. Get your bearings. Is your living arrangement manageable? Think of other things that you are good at or might be interested in. All your life, you people-pleased. Now it’s time for you to learn about yourself. Like Doctor Ramini says, do it in chunks. Start a daily routine. Try doing things that keep you in the moment, like reading, adult coloring (my personal favorite that saved me). Start a journal. Write in some goals. Write in things you might like to do. Do whatever it takes to stay in the moment + consult with your journal often. I know this is much easier said than done, but you must try not to ruminate about these terrible people. They are not worth it. Use your time wisely. Cut every toxic person out of your life + concentrate on YOU. I hope you’re doing better. This video isn’t current. You can do this, Sweetheart!! I’m 57. I’ve wasted far too many years ruminating about issues that were beyond my control + my age. Jennifer you are too young + vibrant. You kicked the habits of things that weren’t good for you - those of in themselves are major accomplishments. You should be proud of yourself for that! I am! I know how hard that is! I hope you are okay. If you are, please reply!!
Oh my god! Yes!! I’m a “quiet” BPD and I mostly have an internal and intense negative self talk. It causes issues with my ability to love myself and with others being able to love me.. I completely understand this! It’s like you already hate yourself and feel so much remorse for impulsive decisions and then you really don’t feel like others like you :(
@Jennifer 27 God. God created you before you got BTD. If you are still with us, seek help from Jesus, who is our conduit, our teacher, our link to our real selves. Please reach out to Him.
@Law Notes People with borderline personality would do anything for the people that they love. Anything. So when they hurt it is because the other people are ungrateful af. So sit down and be quiet
Im 26 & got diagnosed with BPD last year and my parents became more detached and cold to me. So I’ve spent nearly a year unpacking a borderline diagnosis and also grieving the loss of hope that I’d one day get the love and emotional support from my parents that I needed and wanted for so many years.
It’s crazy because the same sort of thing happened to me. I got a BPD diagnosis (among a few others) a few months back, and my dad has seemed to become more distant as well. I almost feel like he was given validation he needed to do that.
They can't handle the guilt. I'm willing to bet, based on my upbringing and recent diagnosis that both of your parents are/were in a codependent relationship - 1 with BPD and NPD. Once I was able to accept this it all became clear why they were always trying to relieve themselves of the guilt of fucking me up so young. Just my opinion and experience....hope it helps
This is why I don't want to be around anyone. They don't understand and they don't want to. I wish I could live alone. It's not fair to either of us. I wish I could live away from society.
BPD sufferer here,its just my opinion but I've come to discover its quite the opposite i need. I feel alone alot of the time and when I am my symptoms get worse,being around others helps alot. What I've also found is WE have to put the work in too,we have to come to understand our illness and its triggers. I've been putting in the work to get the abandonment and suicidal thought/act under control. Its small steps folks thats what WE have to do so we don't loose the ones that truly care for us as we do them. No one has boundless understanding,patience and energy. We're all flawed in this area and being genuinely aware of this helps everyone
Maria, I think I can understand your feelings and wanting to be alone. However, I have a niece who is 19 and recently got placed in her own apartment. She is so very lonely. It's a very long day if you're by yourself. It's such a difficult disorder for EVERYONE !! My sister & husband just don't know what to do anymore - so please try THIS DBT ! You have nothing to lose - right?! It just might help you to feel better, because you deserve it!
@@RAB-om9jy I really appreciate you taking accountability for your illness and understanding that it is also up to you to do the work. Thank you. I have a sister who has this and she is so full of anger, sadness, mood - she gets set off so easily and has jealousy issues, insecurity and her fear of abandonment is through the roof and the entire family walks on eggshells with her. I have been studying this online to understand her for years and have done my part is trying to watch my tone, handle certain situations differently etc but she also has to do the work because right now it's just the family all walking on eggshells and she gets to behave badly, take zero accountability and we all suffer. It is NOT fair. The first step is to take accountability - it's not other peoples fault, stop blaming others and work to fix yourself so I appreciate you doing that. I'm sure your family does too
@@MsMegancarter usually when they get outnof hand, using consequences usually makes them stop. They test to see how far they can go. If that fear that ppl will leave, they may calm down somewhat and stop terrorizing the family. The I better behave or they'll leave, feeling may get them to some what stop. Best of luck to ya
Our daughter is an adoptee. She came into our lives when she was less that six months old. She needed more of everything than our son (also an adoptee) did. More attention, more affection, more love, more structure. But it was still never enough. It was like her ‘well’ was always empty. I asked questions of people so often. I knew in my soul that she needed help to feel more real, to feel the love we gave her everyday, to control her emotions. No one had an answer for us. She’s now serving time in prison. I wish I could have known about this disorder much earlier. We took her to so many counselors, but none of them ever mentioned this as a possibility. I wish our sweet, beautiful daughter could have gotten some help earlier.
Adoptee here. It's less likely BPD, and more than likely adoption trauma and c-ptsd. c-ptsd is more than likely in adoptees, who express their trauma and loss through similar behaviors to BPD, but the core reasoning is different. Despite this, Adoption trauma isn't as recognized by professionals, and can be exacerbated by things like racial isolation, abusive parents, neglectful parents, parents who are convinced it must be RAD, additional traumas, and secretive parents who will not help them navigate their adoption or birth identity due to their own insecurities. . People fail to realize that separating a child from a parental figure(s) at a young age, in a culture that values and continues to highly value things like genetic connection often suffer the consequences of slights against them. . People don't question the harm of racism, sexism, and other -isms, or the affect of losing a mother at death, but the adoptee is left with this narrative that though society values genetic connection, they are supposed to be GRATEFUL in capital letters they were RESCUED and even if an adoptive parent doesn't actively teach this, or even finds tools to combat this, it's like saying well, if I'm not racist as a parent, then no one else will be. And the world doesn't work this way. If the world is telling you you're imagining something wrong, and you know it's wrong and in fact be GRATEFUL for your trauma, how would you feel about it? More angry, right? If someone told you be grateful a man without your permission touches your butt, you'd be angry, right? Multiply that with a feeling of loss. Someone dies, and part of your questions and identity with it. How do you feel about being told to be grateful they died when you were about to ask a million questions? . You want to find an answer--it's this. C-PTSD is hard on the nervous system of children. It causes other disabilities in its wake, like mood disorders, learning disabilities, etc. And separation from a parental figure no matter what the form is absolutely a trauma that the brain tries to rewire itself for. If you did nothing, even with the best of intentions to mitigate some of that damage, then it's likely that she would have expressed her anger and humiliation for the things left unsaid towards herself and others. But if you had the training, say like they do in *some* foster care programs, to mitigate and work with it and look out for things that would further traumatize her, she might have come through it. . So look for C-PTSD. Most adoptees get that from large studies. And if you're horrified that you never got that news pamphlet from your agency, work to ask adoption agencies to change that for adoptees. A lot of little things you think are inconsequential can help mitigate the effects of C-PTSD in adoptees so they do feel secure attachment, etc, but both agencies and parents have to be willing to do so. (Say, like if you're adopting a child of color, you MOVE to the SAME ethnicity AND regularly have those people in the house as STABLE mirrors). Or things like not suddenly changing all of the clothes, etc the child wears and the food they eat, but transition... people do this for dogs, I don't get why it's not hard to imagine doing it for a much more sensitive and highly intelligent child. Puppies have more tools to survive the world than children do. Why should children be treated worse than dogs?
@Margie Judge Or it's the fact that people don't understand adoptee trauma and do wrong by adoptees in the first place by misdiagnosing them... and then say that APs must be angels for adopting, when APs are human like everyone else.
I could show my family this and they’d still consider me dramatic. That I’m not trying and just overthinking because I choose too.. it’s nice hearing and watching these videos because it feels so validating to hear people explain my diagnosis with compassion rather than annoyance and frustration
My family feels the same, yet they brought this on me. The way they were raised taught them to walk on eggshells already, they just find it easier to blame me for that behavior. Blame ME for the way they watch me, my body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. I didn't and don't make them do that crap, they developed that way from their own parents, which caused me to develop that way from them. I pity them that they believe their behavior is my fault... * *shakes head* * The tragic part is I was made to believe it too
I understand what you’re saying but if you’re talking about your spouse and kids, you could try to change your tone, facial and body expressions to a more loving manner. In the same sense they learned to walk on eggshells, it seems as if you may have learned to make people walk on eggshells. I know, I know, don’t hate me. I’m just a guy in the internet. But, over time through prolonged exposure to this behavior, it will breed a lot of resentment, a lot. Show more love than anger. Let them know you love them even if you’re angry. Turn those eggshells into clouds of love. A lot of times people feel like they’re walking on eggshells because they don’t want to disappoint that person. It’s ok to be critical of bad behavior but let them know you believe in them and love them still. Positive reinforcement kinda thing.
@Charmed Transformation best comment on the thread. Blaming a parent or anyone else is not taking accountability for yourself, and that doesn't heal or help.
I have BPD and I was raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder and I feel like she gave it to me. I feel like instead of becoming a narcissist I became this instead.
At least you still have a chance of healing from it, many people with BPD heal. Look at the silver lining. It's almost impossible for a narcissist to heal !🤗 Good luck on your journey, I wish you all the best.
I was married to a Borderline for 29 years. Life was a roller coaster of emotions and anger all the time. About 10 years ago I read an article from a mental health professional who was trying to change the name from BPD to ERD (emotional regulation disorder).
@@chanimeryl1246 I think that may be worse because it tells neurotypicals anyone with a disorder of that name has only that to characterise their life/personality. At least with "borderline" there is a bit of space instead of sufferers being pigeon holed, making it necessary to know ALL the symptoms
I come from a family of bullies. My sister would bully me because my mom enjoyed it and it strengthened their bond. Borderlines come from sick families. It isn't just a matter of communication style.
@@oatmeal710 Yes, she does. She's best friends with my dad. Unfortunately our mom died 9 years ago from ALS. She was our best friend, too. Not to say my parents didn’t have their flaws. No parent is perfect, but they didn’t abuse us. The only trauma my sister has had was not from our parents, but from her boyfriends and kids at school. I, on the other hand, was bullied by my sister, cousins, kids at school, then as an adult, severely bullied by my ex and my aunts. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, Reynaud’s, chronic anxiety, adhd, chronic tendinitis, chronic migraines, and a bunch of other things. So you see, not everyone who has mental or physical illnesses were abused by their parents. And I’m learning to be in control of my own emotions and thoughts so that nobody can ever abuse me again.
my boyfriend have bpd, is very agressive, impulsive , and he talks with me very nice now but in a 29 minutes he change,, l feel so sad, l dont wanna live him but
I too had to leave my husband 5 months ago. I didn't identify his behaviors as untreated BPD until until I left. I became trauma bonded in just 2 years, I'm glad and very sad I had to leave to save my sanity.
@Vrushali Deshpande a hug... while that person with BDP is raging, punishing, manipulating, making threats, lying, putting people down and saying the most disgusting things to their loved ones. No. We can't change their BPD and no amount of support is enough to have a healthy relationship with them.
Kate Marie Lipscomb see a therapist or watch you tube videos at least that help you deal with it. You can also get medication if nec. But get help, and you can be healed unlike a lot of other mental health issues
When ur an introvert it sort of gets easier in that I can spend long periods with human interaction. And I actively seek out solitude because if you don't know me, you won't be hurt. All I need is a bottle by my side, and some stimulation such as the internet etc. Of course, I can't ignore my chronic suicidality but it comes with the territory I guess. I feel a little calmer having chalked out a whole plan on how to go and how to avoid past mistakes. It also helps to keep replaying all the instances that gave me bullet proof reasons to 1. Never get close to anybody 2. Never trust anybody and always watch your back 3. Anticipate what could go wrong so I'm not caught off guard Of course none of this is positive or encouraging but I. Just. Can't. Anymore.
@@jamie150741This is not the first time ive seen loneliness presented as an option for us with the motivation that at least others wont be hurt. and i am tempted at trying. but i also do want to believe that healibg us possible. that we can become functional human beings who dont hurt every one around us. I dont kniw how but i want to beleive its possible. *at times* other times I just want to die/self destruct...
There are a hundred ways the family is devastated by borderline . The fear and chaos , the broken windows the ruined family events , the blame on the parents .it is exhausting ,expensive and the siblings suffer too.
My parents always tell me everytime I get upset that they just stopped talking to me because they're sick of walking on egg shells around me. Like yes I know, I'm sick of it too. And it hurts that we aren't close. My brother hasn't spoken to me in over a year because of my bpd. He's sick of how I act.
So sorry. I understand because I have it to. They don't understand. They can't. Look I was diagnosed 10 years ago after my relationship of 21 years fell horribly apart. I was finally diagnosed and given a medication called abilify. It changed my world. Please look into it because it might help you to. It's not your fault and your not broken, you just need help. Good luck 🤞
People get one life. It doesn't matter if they understand your problem or not. They get to choose how they spend their time. I won't walk on eggshells for anyone no matter what. We are all responsible for how we treat others. If you want others in your life bad enough you will stop and think about THEM and not just yourself all the time. The common denominator in all of the comments on here is ME ME ME....
I have bpd symptoms. Its very difficult to live with and its debilitating. Cant afford to see a therapist so these videos mean a lot to me. My heart goes out to those who are struggling. You are not alone. Hang in there. You are alive for a reason.
Try meditation, and other things to help. I’ve found meditation, drumming, moving my body and sound baths to be really helpful in managing my emotions.
There is great deal of DBT work books out there. DBT therapy is very helpful and there are many resources online. I think the work book is like $60 dollars and there are many RUclips channels that walk you through mindfulness strategies for free. It really has been helpful, not a cure but helpful to recognize my triggers and how not to buy into the paranoid thoughts I have about people's perceptions of me.
Also, self validation no matter what emotion may be present is so healing. It really does turn down the volume on the emtoion to simply recognize and validate yourself, that's it is ok to have the emotion. It helps you hear the logical mind more clearly. Having thoughts and emotions that you beat yourself up for having is so harmful to yourself and often times makes the emotion even bigger. You have a disorder and having extreme emotions without judging them or yourself for having them is so helpful.
The Psychological Distance aspect is overwhelming. As a single parent, you have to work and you have to cook and clean. Even though I would do my best to carry on conversations or games with my son while I did these things, he felt abandoned. Even when I was cooking something he requested, only for him and I explained that I would have to take my attention off him for X minutes to do it there would still be complaints to professionals, drama, upset. This is an impossible demand/stress to live under with all the other things that go with parenting and an absent-yet-overindulgent-ex /Disney-dad. I am deeply thankful that after inpatient treatment, as an adult my son can sometimes notice that he is reacting to the Psychological Distance when he interrupts me at work or we are shopping together and I am trying to interpret labels/prices for him, etc. He will say "I notice I am feeling anxious about you trying to figure out these things for me and I want to chatter to get your attention. Could we just stop a minute for a hug?" These occasions are wonderful improvements over the escalation or sulking that could ensue when he was a teen. I think professionals placing blame on the mother and asking the mother do more/better/different only exacerbates the extreme difficulty of living in fear of the next suicidal-ideation-inducing upset over some truly minor issue like an imperfect cup of coffee.
Narcissistic parents give rise to children with personality disorders. Going into joint therapy with those family members can be emotionally gut wrenching for the children not as much for the manipulative narcissistic parent(s).
Bella > NPD like any other disorder is on a spectrum scale. Some narcissists are meaner than others. I’m talking about malignant narcissist parent(s) who would want their kids dead if they did not fit the bill. These parents turn their kids into highly dysfunctional individuals. I should have been more specific. On the other hand, how well do you know your sister and is the BPD diagnosed correctly and officially by an expert in personality disorders? Like me, a lot of people drift through their lives without scratching the surface of why they are who they are. Are you the golden child? I’d like to hear what your sister has to say. My golden child sibling would defend our father just like you’re defending yours. He gave them what I couldn’t. Even he did not know my pain and struggle.
Bella > One reason why a person might reject help through therapy is that every time they open up, it’s like scratching a scab off a wound which results in shame and narcissistic injury to the soul of a person. Vulnerable narcissists reject therapy for that reason.
@@0CowardNumberOne0 that is a heavy load for a kid to bear. Regardless of your siblings’ disorder no child deserves to be neglected. And while your sister refused therapy it sounds like you’ve been able to get healing for yourself, internet hugs to you
I have BPD and I've showed signs of mental illness for a very long time but my family ignored it and punished me when acting out. As I got older by behavior got worse and hit a all time high when I was in the army. I got treatment in the army but once I left it got back bad and now I'm just receiving treatment but my family isn't a part of it they don't acknowledge it which creates a rift.
Bro i felt that! It's particularly an epidemic within the Moor community ongoing weekly off base dbt therapy goes a loooong way. Thats my next step cause the im currently only able to see the VA therapist ever other month 😬 and thats simply not enough!
@RATED I beg to differ man you notice when someone starts acting different especially a pattern picks up. My 9 yr old little brother is super perceptive of my behaviors and knows when I'm not totally myself.
@12:41 this is the hardest part of this illness for me, it's hard to get people to understand I didn't choose this. The craziest thing is that not only did we not choose this, almost all of us including myself are suffering from this because of major childhood trauma...
Your task is to accept that the only thing you can do is change yourself. The trauma is done, the damage is done. You now have work to do on yourself. Manage your life and your emotions. They don't manage you any longer. That is healing.
@@Cathy-xi8cb Bro, healing is not controling, healing is to experiencie the opposite, what didnt happen. You just being hard even though its true that there is no use in getting stuck in blaming others
My mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she declared war on me when I was a small child. Unless I get Alzheimer’s in the future, I will never forget her cruel actions and words.
I love this woman so, so much. I recently got diagnosed with BPD at 33. Everything in my young adult life makes SO MUCH sense now, the more I research into it. I've been watching every video Dr. Ramani has on this and she is so clear, concise and makes so much sense. I showed this video to my mum and brother and they were so thankful. Together we are learning about my disorder, and it's all thanks to Dr. Ramani. I can't thank her enough.
Now I know why I have always hated myself, and why I knew that deep down other people didn't like me. How I relate socially is one great anxiety covered over with being nice. People sense when you are inauthentic, but when no one cares, chronically, long term, it is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. People like to think they don't judge, but they do. BPD creates many other social and emotional disorders.
Yes, I feel that the more honest you are with them (/us, I have the "symptoms" too) the more they (/we) are with you. We value trust HIGHLY. The catch is that we then cling to that, to you, to the honest person for dear life. Honest people are like unicorns to us - coveted.
I’m sick of idiots thinking that BPD is exactly the same as narcissism it’s not the same it’s 2 totally different disorder with huge noticeable differences people with BPD have a huge empathetic heart they just feel things more intensely then other people and they have trouble coping with that and parents need to learn that it’s not hard to take the time to be a good caring person people with narcissism don’t have a very good since or caring and empathy people please stop thinking people with BPD are evil where not we just care twice is much and pick up on other’s emotions it not easy having BPD so please don’t get it confused with narcissism 2 totally different disorders with very noticeable difference I’m sick of explaining that to people.
@Sheila Abrahams not everyone who has BPD is a narcissist though. It is possible to have a comorbid disorder but that doesn't mean every diagnosed person has that. You will know the difference between NPD and BPD
I agree. I have BPD, and family members have tried to "diagnose" me with NPD as well. I have had years of therapy and they have not, so maybe they should look within themselves for answers instead of projecting onto me because I'm the weak link in the family.
The empathy is fake it’s not real. They might not be as bad as narcs but most people with bpd are liars and cheaters just like narcissists! Very similar
“Tone delivery matters” yeah I feel this one because sometimes I think I’m saying something normally but my mom point out that I’m being aggressive and I’m not even aware of it. Also when I’m having serious conversation with her we’re always walking on eggshells because most of the time it escalates quickly whenever we say something that trigger the other one. “When you think of abandonment you think of a man who’s leaving someone and disappear and never get in touch again well obviously that’s an extreme example" After hearing this, I needed to fight so hard to don’t dissociate and stay focus because someone I cherished did it... Idk if it was a good idea to tell this here but I needed to let it out. I have ADHD but I can relate with many BPD traits it’s almost like I’m a quiet BPD but I know it’s really wrong to self diagnose. Anyway to anyone who take the time to read this comment, have a wonderful day or night stay healthy and safe 🤍
Wow! My mother has BPD and growing up was exactly like walking on eggshells, she manipulated and caused extreme stress until I finally decided to stop speaking to her. I’m so lucky I got out when I was 19 and had to mother myself and learn how to heal the negativity experienced.
I'm the BPD one and I can tell how some of my closest family members feel that "what the heck should I..." And I'm also in the "what should I, how could I..." And the burden of being alive and dragging all your loved ones to this. My husband by far, has done it so naturally well. He just asks or checks what's more helpful. He's my best friend. Thanks for this video. 💗
Living with someone with bpd is the constant wait when the next tantrum will happen and what’s going to trigger it now . It doesn’t matter how I approach a situation I know anything I’m going to say is going to make a huge blow up .
Even you saying that triggered me lmao it made me so sad and feel like I’m a burden to my family and hard to deal with now. damn hypersensitivity sucks because I know you don’t mean to be mean but it just made me feel like I’m too complicated for those around me. And it’s not even mean! It’s just how u feel. But we’re so sensitive to the dumbest stuff
I live with a borderline who doesn’t want to get diagnosed and doesn’t want to believe that he has a problem, your self awareness will help you in your life . Sorry I didn’t mean to trigger you , I’m just talking about my personal issues .
It is not a tantrum. It is the in ability to control your emotions... The person with bpd does not choose to act in a way that is out of sorts. We do not like the way it makes us feel. We do not want to feel this way...unfortunetly there is not alot of research on this topic. It is so easy to judge when your on the outside.....just imagine something that medically affects you thyroid issues, diabetic, high blood pressure. Do you choose to have them? No you dont. Did someone with bpd choose their up bringing or did they choose to put themselves in a position where they are. No they did not.. Bpd is trauma based. Something we did not choose and we did not choose to have these issues.....we DO have the ability to choose to get help we DO have the ability to do research and be our own advocates.
The fear of abandonment is very realistic because for most stable individuals, when they encounter toxic people, they cut and run. This should be expected. If they understand it’s all about themselves and not the people and situations around them that causes the abandonment, they might understand and agree they deserve it. Unless they do that deep self work for their entire lives
I reached out to mother for help once when i was having a panic episode. She told me i can help myself because i studied psychology. My father never liked any problems in the household so for a time i was trapped and helpless. I was never allowed to need help. I was dismissed and my feelings invalidated. It helps to have a community where u can share your experience.
I SO wish that changing your tone was always effective. Some people w/ BPD will perceive people leaving the room to go pee as abandonment: "If they really wanted to be with me now, they'd hold it". Do not blame yourself for their reactions.
it stems from poor, usually abusive, narc parenting. Not all people with Emotional Dysregulation disorder exhibit anxiety, feels abandoned when someone leaves the room. We are on a spectrum, and symptoms can vary. Compassion is key, and so is patience. If you have neither, yes, it is easier to simply walk away. Work is done on both sides, not just the person with the disorder. Thank you.
@@quigeeboh677 you don't need to be free of compassion to walk away from someone with BPD. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. The behaviour can be intolerable.
@@quigeeboh677 Did you miss the phrase "some people"? You forgot to mention that it is essential to keep strong boundaries so that other people's reactions do not elicit immediate responses from you. It is, frankly, a lot of work to deal with BPD individuals who aren't receiving very skilled treatment for this disorder. Most healthy people do not want to have to work this hard to be in relationship with someone. Has nothing to do with patience and compassion. It is exhaustion and reward.
Same, my parents argue almost 24/7, and in most cases they aren’t serious and are just playing around with each other, but I have still learned to “read” people’s moods and have become hyper aware of that shift in mood because of them, as the d.r said I’ve “learned to become very “acutely” aware of the “temperature” in the room” At All Times, when their in a room together, It is a fight or flight instinct that has integrated it self in my mind to survive. It’s hell being hyper aware when arguing starts happening, any where not just at home, I see some one arguing and I panic and that fight or flight takes over my body, it’s hell, and it’s not fun
@@bandobssesd6190 I see. Wow. It's a struggle, sorry you're going through that. I know how that feels in the moment. It sucks. I realized I always picked up on cues that others did not, facial expressions, body language, tone.. all of that... mainly due to my mom's lack of expressed emotion. I just never knew how she felt & never helped me deal w my own emotions. A mess. I'm so glad I came across this post & can read other people's experiences.
I have a mom and sister with BPD and a narcissistic father - watching Dr. Ramani and MedCircle (plus my own therapy) has been extremely helpful in giving me the perspective of those around me. As challenging as it was and is for me, it’s even more challenging and painful for my loved ones who live with these maladaptive personalities. Remembering that and keeping in mind the trauma they experienced that worked to create them re-centers me and reminds me to lead with empathy. While the relationships still thrive the most with well-enforced boundaries and an abundance of love and patience, it’s always important to remember how the other person may be experiencing things.
I am living with very difficult partner which makes you doubt you, the world makes you afraid of any move, the next blow up is just around the corner, you see the family crumble, the kids becoming mentally crumbled... until, you understand ( thanks to those videos) what's really going on, have a name for it, a description which resonates with what you have felt all those years, it is liberating. I can start living again. Having said that I am really sad to see the 10 to 1 ratio of thumbs down to thumbs up on this video, it should tell us something. I understand that affected people are victims if their circumstances but would hope there is a way they could see the path of destruction they leave behind.
"Psychological distance" is something I'm interested in closing the gap on. Growing up with a lot of that I'm not always warm and fuzzy or attentive to emotional needs around me when I need to be. I've been aware of this and have worked on it. Right now, in trauma care, I'm reaching the point where I'm able again to begin work on that. I like being thoughtful towards the other person, and more people should learn to be just as a general practice. It would make the world a much more pleasant place to live.
I don't know you but based on your comment alone, I want to let you know that I love you and appreciate you. It's a relief and a breath of fresh air to know that some of the members of the human race do think that way, do actual WANT to be thoughtful of their fellow brothers & sisters. And we SHOULD want to. We are all really just one huge family. We belong to eachother. And ultimately we are all truly ONE.🌏🌈💖 Keep up the good work Brussel Sprout. I hope you have a fantastic day. I'm proud of you. And I Love you. And I love me. And I love every single one of you.🌈💕💕💕✌️😊
My sister has not spoken to me since blowing up at me two years ago. She has given me the silent treatment several times in my life. It is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s always a complete surprise . It’s like losing a loved one and grieving but they are still alive. I pray that we can repair the relationship someday. Not sure how.
My husband has BPD (high functioning, angry, externalizing impulse), and it is very difficult at times. Thank you for sharing your insight because knowledge is power, and I need all the help I can get for myself and my 4 kids. I had a professional once tell me, "mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior." It's really is a challenge.
Wow, 4 kids. I am hoping you have miss diagnosed him for the sake of the 4 children. The professional is right, you should not be making excuses for bad behaviour. You can not accept unacceptable behaviour if you want to maintain mental health and that of the children
When you need strength, think of what his behavior and your compliance teach your 4 kids. That will guide your actions. You married and had kids with someone that is destructive to a healthy family life. Proceed accordingly. Protect your kids from their father at all costs, including your marriage. That is what a good mother does.
i do not have the privilege of sustained treatment, but i’ve been binge watching your bpd videos & every single conversation point has been resonating deeply with me. at the very least, i appreciate the obtainment of knowledge. once i am able to, i will definitely seek clinical help. thank you for shedding a light on this mental illness
I have walked on egg shells for most of time my child was growing up until they finally got help and diagnosis. I didn't know anything about BPD and I considered them as just growing up and learning but in the end as caused my mental health to deteriorate.
When my first girlfriend broke up with me. I was shattered, I felt something was taken from me. I wasn't able to sleep on my own even though I did when I had the relationship with her. In those following weeks I was sleeping with a mattress on the ground in my parents' room or I wasn't able to bear the feeling of loneliness or abandonment.
That part about BPD sufferers monitoring what is happening in the room with everyone is the absolute truth. I can tell when the tone has changed, or if they are "check-out" and then I will obsess about what I have done to spark that dissent. Sometimes I will ask, sometimes I assume the reason why "Hello, BPD here" and am wrong. But, make no mistake we feel the temperature, altitude, and barometer change, and then the psych shit show begins, it f*cking sucks.
Yes, couldnt agree more. For me i am wired like that because all my life i grew up walking on shells in order not to make my father explode. Not just me but my mother and brother had to walk on shells for him too. He would snap for the stupidest reasons and get violent. And my mother never defended us or said anything to him. I confronted her years later ane she doesn't feel sorry, she thinks that because she was afraid there was nothing she could have done. After he exploded he would just leave the house for hours. We were often left crying and cleaning wahtever he broke. And then he would just come back and apologize and say he wouldn't do it again. And then he always did. If we cried in front of him he would get mad. So i learnt to keep my emotions inside. When i grew up i started having these anger explosions from emotions kept inside for years. I strongly believe my father has bpd but he never got diagnosed. And i know he grew up in an even worse environment than he made us grow in. His father was just like him and worse. He was a violent alcoholic and gambler and from what i heard he made their life a hell. Which still doesn't justify what he did to us. And doesn't justify my mother's behaviour. She could have divorced him. She always says how she didn't because she would have to go to live with her parents and didn't want to be a burden and while that may be partly true, i know she was just afraid to be the dovorced woman. Back then it was a shame for a woman to go back to her parents in my country. I struggle to forgive her for that even though we speak every day. I havent spoken to my father in years.
Trust me when I say heroin is only Effective at providing the inner peace and contentment that we crave ohh so badly for only so long (a few months max) and then you’ll be left with allllll the “problems” you where originally Dealing with plus a physical sickness and mental slavery that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. My friend, I think the only way out is through, I tried to scoot around it by trying to avoid and numb out, for it to only have it compounded far greater than a reality that I think I am equip to deal with. We must face our demons, because if we try and run, trust me they are faster then they always catch up
Yes. I totally relate! My situation with my Daughter is critical. It’s been years of not speaking. The worst part is how my Grandchildren have been effected by the poison from my Daughter. She forbids them to contact me. Boardline Personality Disorder can absolutely tear a family apart!
I think the toughest toughest thing to deal with as a family member is the impact the inevitable hypervigilance has that’s caused by never knowing if what comes out of our mouth, regardless of how mindful and respectful it is, can change the dynamics of a situation at the flip of a switch. I have to put so much thoughtfulness into most conversations just to keep them cool. I think the beat way to describe it is like spinning a roulette wheel with the ball pushed to the outside is the energy put into desperately figure out exactly how to word something to both get your point across and more importantly keep things cool. When the wheel slows and the ball starts to settle closer is the scary anticipation of delivering the message, praying it will land on the right number/color followed by the moment it settles into the slot(The actual comment). I’ve never played roulette but this is the best analogy I can think of. It’s so frustrating as a person but more significantly, devastating to see your loved one be affected so profoundly by a mental health challenge.
Just please be understanding. We didn't choose this and we don't do it on purpose or have control over it. I was diagnosed at 44 about 10 years ago and have done a 180 with medication and knowledge. I feel so guilty about how I used to be and the damage I did. Anyways abilify is the medication that change my life from out of control to manageable. Maybe it can help your loved one. Good luck 🤞
I used to have this exact issue with my family. Over the years, besides aging, self talk, and not reacting right away is important, that came with group therapy and a whole lot of practice, which continues on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I don't or didn't have family support, in my family it was easier to make me the scapegoat. Today I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I live for the moment since really when you think of it, that's all we have and that's what we cherish. I also live by this simple motto, if I'm feeling anxious, I'm living in the future, (which we can't control), if i'm feeling depressed Im living in the past. So there you have it, live for the glorious moment with gratitude!
I have bpd and the best thing I ever did was go to therapy... finally at 33, but I did it! And I’ve been going for 3 years now. It has really helped me and I recommend talk therapy to anyone who feels overwhelmed, even if you don’t have bpd.
For the Non- BPD family members, compassion, tone, approach, understanding...all things to strive for. Our family was torn apart by deeply inappropriate, hurtful, irreparable destructive behavior of the family member with BPD. Do they have NO responsibility ? Non-BPD members have a right to self-preservation. They shouldn't be expected to be 24/7 emotional punching bags. There is a limit.
@a-Tron LOL no, I don't want to "just see you as evil people", but when I see someone dismissive of someone else's feelings to protect their own egos, I'm going to point it out. I know people who have BOD who have gotten help and are doing fantastic. They are more often than not the most interesting, introspective people you could meet. I've also know people with BPD who refuse to take ownership of their own behavior and they are the most problematic people you could ever meet. This OP is expressing real pain, and you (YOU, not all BPD people but YOU ALONE) were dismissive.
@a-Tron I understand. But the poster (sorry, not the OP but the comment below it) wasn't doing that and you accused them of "making hurtful generalizations" because they were talking about someone with BPD who can't see anyone else's POV. A key trait for BPD sufferers is THEIR feelings trumps everything else in their brain in a hot moment. That "everything else" that gets drowned out is more often than not, other's POV and feelings. Its usually after they've cooled down that they recognize the oversight and feel terrible about themselves for it. But by then the harm's already been done. That's why getting ongoing help is the only way for BPD sufferers to get conscious of the feelings of others in the heat of their own. It's exhausting and draining for lived ones and S/Os without that essential help.
I have been diagnosed with quiet BPD and C-PTSD. After 30+ years of many different therapies, countless medications (couldn’t tolerate antidepressants and refuse antipsychotics because of the side effects) I was only diagnosed 3 years ago and then the puzzle was complete. I am starting EMDR as last resort but I have chronic anxiety and terrified of it. Hugs to everyone, even though we want to be alone but really don’t want to be :)
My first inpatient visit one of the techs called me a “fucking borderline” when he thought I was out of earshot. That wasn’t my diagnosis, but I’ve been petrified of being labeled as such since. I do have traits and serious abandonment issues, but don’t act out.
Erica Bressler it’s clearly stuck with me through the years. So much PTSD from hospital stays, being at other people’s mercy, being totally powerless. It broke me in so many ways.
I was diagnosed as a “quite boarderline” because I act out internally. Might be something to look in to. You are so much more than a diagnosis, and it’s a shame someone made you feel ashamed of your diagnosis.
@@BrittHubbs yeah, my last therapist (whom I miss dearly) said I had "borderline features" rooted in trauma. And I totally agree. I think if I were to go looking for a diagnosis, I would qualify as a "quiet borderline" because I keep it all inside, and try not to "bother anyone with my love" (lol). The OCD, GAD, and ED are enough labels for me for now 😉 Also could easily be diagnosed with Aspergers/HFA but again, if we're addressing the symptoms, I'm okay not having an "official" dx. 😊 Still hate those techs though - they constantly goaded me while I was there, and I reacted, and I would get in more and more trouble...it was a disaster.
@@lindsaysheffield i have to ask, what have you done that helped. I have had a few mis-diagnosis including depression and anxiety and ADHD. But since leaving a marriage and ill-fitting job site, I don’t have those issues anymore. Now it’s CPTSD with 3 on the BPD list. So, what worked for you. Please post links if there are sites you recommend
I have bpd and ptsd my I've lived through all forms of abuse by those I trusted most it true I always worry about everyone else feelings in a room I spend most my time alone because it's to exhausting I feel most the time miss understood I've been on medication for a couple decades finally reached my truest diagnosis finally started therapy 5 years ago all I ever received before was more medication
I also agree. this video is extremely helpful for friends and family that have to deal with me. I can tell this Dr really cares alot about the understanding of this disorder. she is probly my favorite on this topic.
I am realizing that my MFT daughter is BPD and I can see how this developed from her childhood. We just had a big blow up when we attempted to introduce why she should not marry a man who she just met a month ago from a foreign county here on a visa. She has a 3 yo child. I am doing what ever research I can and attempting to open the door of communication while trying not to be abused and used myself. This is helpful thank you.
Question for Dr. Ramani: I identified my mother as a narcissist some time ago. Now I'm suspecting that I have BPD. What are the chances of a narcissistic parent causing their child to develop BPD and what kind of outcome would be expected?
Listening to this is so tough for me. I am crying and couldn’t go ahead easily. My life is a Roller coaster due to my wife’s behaviour. If I don’t calm myself and do the right things my wife can get me killed or arrested in an hour of a having a normal conversation or laughing on things. Her Rage lasts for 30 mins to a day and can be on the smallest of things. If I say ‘I love you’ or ‘Sorry’ things will instantly go to normal like nothing happened. She hears things that I didn’t say or judge my tone and will ask angrily for clarification. I clarify on seemingly trivial things but certain times she will be more offended and start throwing things. We are seeing a counselor with no success. My wife thinks I and the Counselor are making things up. My lip is broken, laptop shattered on arguments she don’t even remember. She thinks that me and my family are always planning something behind her back. She has only lived with my family for 20 days in 3 years. I sometimes will not be able to process whats happening anymore. I could not tell this to anyone near me. The Counselor has yet to tell us if she has BPD or BD but she has mentioned that throwing tantrums on perceived things is not normal. My wife doesn’t give a damn and have said that she will not see the counselor anymore. I used to love her but I can not anymore. She has done too much harm. All I want now is she corrects her behavior for the society to have a good life. In my society Divorce is a taboo but I may consider it to save my life.
Oh gosh your situation sounds very difficult and even dangerous. I think it’s very important for you to stay very level but clearly let her know her actions are harmful, wrong and need to stop with the genuine intent and communication that you want to change the behavior on your part that hurts her as well. I have bpd and so much of what you wrote reminded me of my relationships. Neuro emotional technique has been really helpful for me. It physically locates the original trauma and integrates it so your behaviors will stop triggering her. Chiropractors practice it usually. I would strongly encourage you to look it up. My symptoms are much much better since doing that modality.
In spite of your society taboo's I hope you end up chosing you. It's exhausting, depleting and joyless to be in such a situation. Doesn't mean you don't love her, just can't continue with a one way relationship. Good luck to you.
I am so sorry. Please know we didn't choose this and we don't understand and we think it's everyone else. Also know she is in a torturous place in her head and one day if she can get help she will be riddled with guilt for everything she did and said. I hated myself for so long for being the way I was. The emotions are like nothing any "normal" person could comprehend. It physically hurts SO bad you think you're going to die from feelings. Again I'm so sorry but I'm also sorry for her because I know the excruciating mental pain she must be going through. I got help and my life is so much better. Abilify. That's the medication that changed everything for me. Good luck 🤞
I am deeply sorry to hear of these tragic events taking place in your life. I have undergone a similar situation for over 18 years, but finally decided to break away from the relationship because I just could not take the disrespect and hurtfulness any longer. You are very brave for admitting that you are in such a difficult situation. You should not be putting your needs second. Life is too short to put yourself last, and I pray that you respect yourself enough to take control over your life and heal after being mistreated so unfairly. It may seem taboo to offer a perspective that contradicts offering help to someone suffering from a mental illness, but sometimes it's simply not worth the effort. And that's totally okay. You are within your right to feel mistreated and disrespected. I know it may be easy for me to say, but if I were you I would make a clean break. You must realize that you and your mental health matter most. I pray you make the right decision. I know that I did and although it is a struggle on a day-to-day basis to be alone after being in an 18 year partnership, I know I am in a much better place because I have taken back ownership over my own life and have slowly begun to heal. Much luck and many blessings on your mission.
Great video!!! My diagnoses is C-PTSD with BPD traits. The statements about how family says or does certain things affecting us was right on for me. Tone is HUGE!!! I think one thing that bothers me so much about the stigma is most people with BPD have childhood trauma.
This doctor has taught me so much about myself - things I already knew deep down but couldn’t articulate . To myself or anyone close to me. Which due to my BPD, there aren’t many. Thank you for posting these videos and thank you to this doctor she truly truly has BDP explained the way we, actually live it.
It’s the parents fault for having kids if you plain to have a kid you need to take responsibility to do what ever you can to give that kid a good life it’s not the child’s fault.
Kaella Rosenberg......EXACTLY! I was kid #4 in our family.....their last one. I felt like they just had children just because that’s what society was doing......not because they actually desired them. By the time I came along, I was a disappointment to them.....I was ‘supposed to be’ a boy. I had one brother and two sisters. Most of the time, I felt like I just blended into the wallpaper.....or the shadows. At the end of my fathers life, he would pass my house to go visit everyone else. At the end of my mother’s life, she made it clear that she did not like me, at all. I don’t know how much my narcissistic oldest sister had to do with my mother’s behavior towards me, but my sister and a step mom started spreading a vicious lie to my father, that I probably wasn’t his daughter. Basically, it left me wondering what the hell I did to make myself so unloveable? It hurt. Even though I know I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family of narcissistic psychopaths, I still felt outnumbered by them....feeling like it was something that was wrong with me.....even though my husband told me otherwise.
@@gracebe235 Your story makes me understand the life of the only friend I have. It's very similar, she was so dismissed and blamed for everything. I could not understand why.
I wish I do not agree with you, but I do agree with you. All my life I blamed my mental trauma on my self and saw no fault in my parents. At 40, I just realized that they are the reason me and my sister struggled so much to have normal lives. My sister is mentally stronger and she did managed to detach from them and survive. I am full of grudges toward my parents even though I know they do not have to be perfect. I just want to forgive them. I wish I would've never realized they were the root of my mental issues.
@@joanae8189 It's like they want you not to become a grown person. Having that kind of childhood is crippling, but you can grow out of it. I was lucky to have therapy, got to see my life from a little distance, within it actions and consecuences, my grandma's and mom's own disadvantages, fears and motives, I was able to forgive my mother, I don't think I could have done it without therapy. I wish for you to get better.
@@kittenm2784 Exactly! My mother still treats me like I am a 8 years old. I her mind I am a child. Even when I tried to have conversations with my father; I talked to him about politics or economy because I know he is interested in that; still he shots me down like he doesn't have time to talk about those things with a child. I think it's time for me to go back to therapy. Thank you for your input.
8:00 it’s not that they’re afraid of therapy, it’s that by going to therapy is admitting something is “wrong” with them. I remember reading a book about mental disorders, trying to figure out why I was so sensitive and emotional and just breaking down crying because something was “wrong” with me.
i relate to this but am undiagnosed and don’t even know where to start. i also feel like my parents wouldn’t even take it into consideration if i even brought it up. i don’t think they care enough.
I ended up breaking up with someone I care deeply about with BPD. I have bipolar and our issues fed into each other in profoundly unhealthy ways... he frequently said that i was good for him, his anxiety, sense of abandonment etc. - but it felt so often like a completely one way street, constantly walking on egg shells, constant anxiety, constant feeling of failure. I started having physiological symptoms, ulcers, hair loss... I will admit to just giving up and leaving. My Bipolar didn't help - whether in a depressed state or manic - my behavior triggered him. In two years, I never managed to find the balance between self care and care for him. This whole talk and other videos have really clarified a lot of things for me - thank you.
I've been through hell n back living with bpd for over ten years recently broke up with my fiance of three years because of bpd I'll never forget how much she put up with the mood swings and depression
I’m a mom of a 24 year old! She has therapy put I don’t know anything about what’s going on! I don’t even know what her diagnoses. But every day is so like this!
I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and didn't realize how I was speaking to others or the body language I was using tha came across in ways that I didn't intend. I am working with intent and impact of things I do. I don't typically yell or scream but I do get very emotional and am a very emotionally sensitive person. I am also doing DBT which is starting to change the way I act and react, I didn't think it was possible. I have lived in a state of hypervigilance for soooo long that I didn't know there was another way to feel. I hate that my family has had to go through this for so many years. Now, my husband is seeing a difference in actions and reactions and seeing that I am not assuming things based on body language or a look he may give, I am actually observing and not assuming and if I need to ask what the issue is, I am asking. And this seems to be upsetting him even more and I feel like with me trying to be better and mindful is negatively impacting him and our relationship. It feels to me like he isi inconvenienced by me asking.
THANKS for being honest, I'm a mental health professional and I really feel guilty sometimes that I don't practice what I preach, good to know others do to!!!!!!!!!
My BPD former friend would speak to me in very harsh tones but I always had to watch my tone with him as well as what I said. I had to walk on eggshells. It was exhausting and I finally gave up trying to keep this "friend" in my life.
I just discovered this. I have BPD. I was an abandoned child. I have many of the ear markers. My therapist is who brought it my attention. I thought I only had PTSD. Now, with this new information, I have started DBT. I like to think of myself as high functioning. I have suffered not only trauma but the symptoms of BPD
Dr. Ramani is wonderful. Understanding that my mother was BPD and a Narcissist helped me find others that have experienced what I have and helped me to continually process and deal with my trauma.
7:50 I am VERY open socially about the fact that I am in therapy for the very reason described here. I will happily take whatever fallout comes along with that.
My sister, too! At least, I think so. Everyone always either has a spouse or a mother with it. But it's hard if you have a sibling with it. Particularly if they're going untreated. Is it your older or younger sister?
1. Communication , passive aggressive, escalating into arguments 2. Tone - how you said it, sarcastic tone 3. Awareness , especially around the key issue of abandonment , psychological distance in the room, especially if the person was traumatised and abused
Absolutely. It's worse in text messages. The splitting is caused easier as the BPD will read a negative tone into text. I've experienced this many times with a few BPD friends, it's better to talk on the phone.
Other triggers including that: being left out, not being talked to, ignoring me, telling me what to do or micromanaging, yelling at me for no reason, getting angry at me for something I didn't do, someone leaving me, someone changing the way they text or speak, how the person acts around me....distant or cold...so many more that i haven't uncovered...
I suspect a loved one may have BPD. The rage and paranoia and vindictive behavior has gotten progressively worse. I have tried to help, reassure and even helped them find a therapist. I don't believe he continued therapy. I feel for my own self preservation that I have given up.The splitting, suddenly I am seen as nothing but horrible.He has become more and more verbally cruel. I hurt for him but I simply cannot do this anymore.
Wow! This video has truely helped me recognise my part spot on 100% in this difficulty with my daughter. I'm now wondering how to help my situation make life better for her. I'm a pensioner and just don't have the means to start this process. Even my daughter cud not afford the treatment. But Hank you Kyle and especially thank you Dr. Ramani for enlightening me to this issue
I have an older sibling who probably has both BPD and NPD traits, we were very close growing up but as we became adults she became more controlling, manipulative, throwing the guilt trips/gaslighting, blind rage, suicide threats, etc. I’ve been no contact for over a year, while I still regret it but unfortunately there was nothing I could do to make things right unless I did exactly her bidding. However, the last year has led me into deep introspection to realize where the family went wrong and I hope better understand and help detoxify. But for my sibling, she see’s nothing wrong in her behavior.
Thank you so much. The anxiety came so strong. It took over my life for so long. I unfortunately couldn’t get the self help without leaving him. This is very hard with young kids and a ex with mental health issues.
I Am the mother of one (not fully diagnosed yet because he is Young and he has develooed addiction too, so it makes the diagnosis more difficult). I can tell that after many years with his rage, living it's extremely difficult. Now he is in hospital for the 15th time I think, I miss him.so much but I can finally sleep, stay in silence, have my own control of my house, don't panick every night as he usually escape from the garden when I sleep, he overdosed two times this year. He went into ICU two times. And now I Am under anti depressant. The pain families experience is , at least in my country, understimates.
Thank you so much for this video! Not many people are willing to understand people with personality disorders. This interview allowed me also to understand how difficult it is for people on the receiving end. I think understanding and having compassion is key.
This all rings so loudly true to me. My adult daughter as BPD and she hates how she behaves so much. I have hotter to a point I can handle it well and it doesn't get to me as really bc I recognize my part in it and have forgiven myself for my mistakes when I was a young mother. The hardest thing with my family now is getting my 73 year old mother to understand and helping her to handle the episodes better as we live with my parents and I think my mom may have silent BPD or at least some of the traits. I will def share this vid with my mom. Thank you
I wish I had time to watch this whole video , but I've always believed that you could say thank you to a person in the right tone of voice without actually using the words thank you. You could say I love you" in the right tone without actually using those three words. There are so many ways that a person can get around certain words if they aren't comfortable with them just by the tone of your voice or their attitude. I would rather have someone say "oh that is so nice of you wow I never expected a gift this beautifu,l than to look at me and say "thanks"! I never thought I'd ever hear anybody Express these thoughts. Thank you
I love watching these videos about BPD, which I have been diagnosed with, but this video literally brought tears to my eyes because it has made me understand myself a bit more. However, it makes me feel guilty that I am not strong enough to control myself like I did when I was growing up, but I would like to thank you all for doing these videos. My whole family have been affected by this condition, and the thing that makes it worse is that some of my children are now showing signs of suffering with BPD themselves, now I feel awful. Keep the videos coming.
Got daughter into therapy at 17 after she said she was ready to talk. Counsellor has diagnosed BPD. So my research begins and a lot makes sense now. I am exhausted but hopefully I’ll be able to help now
When I feel like my husband need to talk about something that upsets me or troubles we are having, my husband comletely with draws, and won’t talk at all. It makes me so mad, and I feel so very abandoned, left alone, ignored and like he doesn’t care at all. Then of course, my anger, frustration, confusion and perceptive lack of care/love, completely explodes.
Which situation that Dr. Ramani shares in this video do you most relate to? Let us know in the comments below - we want to hear your story.
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Hi, Dr. Ramini. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder when I was 37, apparently I slipped through the net! Then I was rediagnosed with BPD, and now with MIXED PD! I look everywhere for a talk or a write up on it, but I can't find anything about it. I know their are 9 PD Traits, in 3 clusters; A, B & C but apparently I have some of each one! Could you do a talk on this for me, please? With thanks, Sharon Bowie Frost xx
Sheila Abrahams yes you nailed it!
@@Ceekeyz hey. I also have BPD. I also struggle with stigma... What do you do for awareness?
Hi. So tone of voice really resinated with me. I i constantly argue with my boyfriend about how he said something hurt almost more than what he said. Then he blows me off and says things like what does that even mean. Your being dramatic.
I'm BPD, I've wrecked my whole family. I feel soooooooo guilty.
Bpd posses one of the most painful self awarenesses in mental health. We know. We really do. The over stimulation, the constant thoughts of "maybe I'm autistic", the worry that we're narcissistic. It is NONSTOP mental review & over analyze.
Yes!!!!!!
This is oddly specific yet an accurate description of my thoughts.
I’m sorry but are you me? 😂 cause you just described me.
@Kate Ashby I feel lile we all just going through the same damn thing 😂😭
Damn, dude just exposed us😂😂
I don't know who hates us more, ourselves or others. I honestly hate my emotions and fatigue. Emotional and psychological abuse is where I got it, no doubt. I was programmed to view everyone as hostile and hateful towards me because the ones who should love me the most treated me that way. I was programmed to feel rejected by everyone, and my emotions respond as such.
Absolutely
Wow Theresa!! You hit it on the head!! Because everyone I knew was hostile + unhinged towards me at all times. Now I’m getting uptight from anyone who approaches me, thinking they’re gonna be hostile. - and not everyone means us harm. So we could be pushing good people who like us, we’re pushing possible friends away.
@Jennifer 27 who will want you? Jennifer - you do. It sounds like to me that you were raised by parents who were not there for you. They were abusive + dismissive to you. Not because of you, per se, it could have happened to the child (you) they had on your date of birth. Think about it for a minute. Get your bearings. Is your living arrangement manageable? Think of other things that you are good at or might be interested in. All your life, you people-pleased. Now it’s time for you to learn about yourself. Like Doctor Ramini says, do it in chunks. Start a daily routine. Try doing things that keep you in the moment, like reading, adult coloring (my personal favorite that saved me). Start a journal. Write in some goals. Write in things you might like to do. Do whatever it takes to stay in the moment + consult with your journal often. I know this is much easier said than done, but you must try not to ruminate about these terrible people. They are not worth it. Use your time wisely. Cut every toxic person out of your life + concentrate on YOU. I hope you’re doing better. This video isn’t current. You can do this, Sweetheart!! I’m 57. I’ve wasted far too many years ruminating about issues that were beyond my control + my age. Jennifer you are too young + vibrant. You kicked the habits of things that weren’t good for you - those of in themselves are major accomplishments. You should be proud of yourself for that! I am! I know how hard that is! I hope you are okay. If you are, please reply!!
Oh my god! Yes!! I’m a “quiet” BPD and I mostly have an internal and intense negative self talk. It causes issues with my ability to love myself and with others being able to love me..
I completely understand this! It’s like you already hate yourself and feel so much remorse for impulsive decisions and then you really don’t feel like others like you :(
@Jennifer 27 God. God created you before you got BTD. If you are still with us, seek help from Jesus, who is our conduit, our teacher, our link to our real selves. Please reach out to Him.
The anxiety. The worry. The helplessness.
It never ends.
I feel ya
True 🥺
The rage is what pushes people away when you can't catch a break from all of that
Unfortunately.
@Law Notes People with borderline personality would do anything for the people that they love. Anything. So when they hurt it is because the other people are ungrateful af. So sit down and be quiet
Im 26 & got diagnosed with BPD last year and my parents became more detached and cold to me. So I’ve spent nearly a year unpacking a borderline diagnosis and also grieving the loss of hope that I’d one day get the love and emotional support from my parents that I needed and wanted for so many years.
Any of your parents are narcissists? Not that I mean to hurt your feelings but usually is related to childhood trauma.
Yeah they're likely the reason you have BPD in the first place
❤️
It’s crazy because the same sort of thing happened to me. I got a BPD diagnosis (among a few others) a few months back, and my dad has seemed to become more distant as well. I almost feel like he was given validation he needed to do that.
They can't handle the guilt.
I'm willing to bet, based on my upbringing and recent diagnosis that both of your parents are/were in a codependent relationship - 1 with BPD and NPD.
Once I was able to accept this it all became clear why they were always trying to relieve themselves of the guilt of fucking me up so young.
Just my opinion and experience....hope it helps
My family triggers my emotions especially my anixety.
Same with me.
all family is a trigger to every one
We are may be cursed thats why we get our family.
Me too 🥺
Then move out and give them some peace
This is why I don't want to be around anyone. They don't understand and they don't want to. I wish I could live alone. It's not fair to either of us. I wish I could live away from society.
You’re not alone x
BPD sufferer here,its just my opinion but I've come to discover its quite the opposite i need. I feel alone alot of the time and when I am my symptoms get worse,being around others helps alot. What I've also found is WE have to put the work in too,we have to come to understand our illness and its triggers. I've been putting in the work to get the abandonment and suicidal thought/act under control. Its small steps folks thats what WE have to do so we don't loose the ones that truly care for us as we do them. No one has boundless understanding,patience and energy. We're all flawed in this area and being genuinely aware of this helps everyone
Maria, I think I can understand your feelings and wanting to be alone. However, I have a niece who is 19 and recently got placed in her own apartment. She is so very lonely. It's a very long day if you're by yourself.
It's such a difficult disorder for EVERYONE !! My sister & husband just don't know what to do anymore - so please try THIS DBT ! You have nothing to lose - right?! It just might help you to feel better, because you deserve it!
@@RAB-om9jy I really appreciate you taking accountability for your illness and understanding that it is also up to you to do the work. Thank you. I have a sister who has this and she is so full of anger, sadness, mood - she gets set off so easily and has jealousy issues, insecurity and her fear of abandonment is through the roof and the entire family walks on eggshells with her. I have been studying this online to understand her for years and have done my part is trying to watch my tone, handle certain situations differently etc but she also has to do the work because right now it's just the family all walking on eggshells and she gets to behave badly, take zero accountability and we all suffer. It is NOT fair. The first step is to take accountability - it's not other peoples fault, stop blaming others and work to fix yourself so I appreciate you doing that. I'm sure your family does too
@@MsMegancarter usually when they get outnof hand, using consequences usually makes them stop. They test to see how far they can go.
If that fear that ppl will leave, they may calm down somewhat and stop terrorizing the family. The I better behave or they'll leave, feeling may get them to some what stop. Best of luck to ya
Our daughter is an adoptee. She came into our lives when she was less that six months old. She needed more of everything than our son (also an adoptee) did. More attention, more affection, more love, more structure. But it was still never enough. It was like her ‘well’ was always empty. I asked questions of people so often. I knew in my soul that she needed help to feel more real, to feel the love we gave her everyday, to control her emotions. No one had an answer for us. She’s now serving time in prison. I wish I could have known about this disorder much earlier. We took her to so many counselors, but none of them ever mentioned this as a possibility. I wish our sweet, beautiful daughter could have gotten some help earlier.
Awe, just always show up for her now, now you know better so you can do better for her too💕
Adoptee here. It's less likely BPD, and more than likely adoption trauma and c-ptsd. c-ptsd is more than likely in adoptees, who express their trauma and loss through similar behaviors to BPD, but the core reasoning is different. Despite this, Adoption trauma isn't as recognized by professionals, and can be exacerbated by things like racial isolation, abusive parents, neglectful parents, parents who are convinced it must be RAD, additional traumas, and secretive parents who will not help them navigate their adoption or birth identity due to their own insecurities.
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People fail to realize that separating a child from a parental figure(s) at a young age, in a culture that values and continues to highly value things like genetic connection often suffer the consequences of slights against them.
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People don't question the harm of racism, sexism, and other -isms, or the affect of losing a mother at death, but the adoptee is left with this narrative that though society values genetic connection, they are supposed to be GRATEFUL in capital letters they were RESCUED and even if an adoptive parent doesn't actively teach this, or even finds tools to combat this, it's like saying well, if I'm not racist as a parent, then no one else will be. And the world doesn't work this way. If the world is telling you you're imagining something wrong, and you know it's wrong and in fact be GRATEFUL for your trauma, how would you feel about it? More angry, right? If someone told you be grateful a man without your permission touches your butt, you'd be angry, right? Multiply that with a feeling of loss. Someone dies, and part of your questions and identity with it. How do you feel about being told to be grateful they died when you were about to ask a million questions?
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You want to find an answer--it's this. C-PTSD is hard on the nervous system of children. It causes other disabilities in its wake, like mood disorders, learning disabilities, etc. And separation from a parental figure no matter what the form is absolutely a trauma that the brain tries to rewire itself for. If you did nothing, even with the best of intentions to mitigate some of that damage, then it's likely that she would have expressed her anger and humiliation for the things left unsaid towards herself and others. But if you had the training, say like they do in *some* foster care programs, to mitigate and work with it and look out for things that would further traumatize her, she might have come through it.
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So look for C-PTSD. Most adoptees get that from large studies. And if you're horrified that you never got that news pamphlet from your agency, work to ask adoption agencies to change that for adoptees. A lot of little things you think are inconsequential can help mitigate the effects of C-PTSD in adoptees so they do feel secure attachment, etc, but both agencies and parents have to be willing to do so. (Say, like if you're adopting a child of color, you MOVE to the SAME ethnicity AND regularly have those people in the house as STABLE mirrors). Or things like not suddenly changing all of the clothes, etc the child wears and the food they eat, but transition... people do this for dogs, I don't get why it's not hard to imagine doing it for a much more sensitive and highly intelligent child. Puppies have more tools to survive the world than children do. Why should children be treated worse than dogs?
@Margie Judge Or it's the fact that people don't understand adoptee trauma and do wrong by adoptees in the first place by misdiagnosing them... and then say that APs must be angels for adopting, when APs are human like everyone else.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Often nature is stronger than nurture. She was/is lucky to have you.
At least you tried. My mother is so codependent and weak that she never had my sister do any treatment. Now she's an abusive alcoholic.
I could show my family this and they’d still consider me dramatic. That I’m not trying and just overthinking because I choose too.. it’s nice hearing and watching these videos because it feels so validating to hear people explain my diagnosis with compassion rather than annoyance and frustration
My family feels the same, yet they brought this on me. The way they were raised taught them to walk on eggshells already, they just find it easier to blame me for that behavior. Blame ME for the way they watch me, my body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. I didn't and don't make them do that crap, they developed that way from their own parents, which caused me to develop that way from them. I pity them that they believe their behavior is my fault... * *shakes head* * The tragic part is I was made to believe it too
I understand what you’re saying but if you’re talking about your spouse and kids, you could try to change your tone, facial and body expressions to a more loving manner.
In the same sense they learned to walk on eggshells, it seems as if you may have learned to make people walk on eggshells.
I know, I know, don’t hate me. I’m just a guy in the internet. But, over time through prolonged exposure to this behavior, it will breed a lot of resentment, a lot.
Show more love than anger. Let them know you love them even if you’re angry. Turn those eggshells into clouds of love.
A lot of times people feel like they’re walking on eggshells because they don’t want to disappoint that person. It’s ok to be critical of bad behavior but let them know you believe in them and love them still.
Positive reinforcement kinda thing.
@Charmed Transformation best comment on the thread. Blaming a parent or anyone else is not taking accountability for yourself, and that doesn't heal or help.
I have BPD and I was raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder and I feel like she gave it to me. I feel like instead of becoming a narcissist I became this instead.
At least you still have a chance of healing from it, many people with BPD heal. Look at the silver lining. It's almost impossible for a narcissist to heal !🤗
Good luck on your journey, I wish you all the best.
I AM i know how you feel! deep breathes & walks help!
That's exactly what I think it happened to me as well.
Me too. I punish myself for all of the things she accuses me of and all of the things I didn't know I ruined.
Exactly
I was married to a Borderline for 29 years. Life was a roller coaster of emotions and anger all the time. About 10 years ago I read an article from a mental health professional who was trying to change the name from BPD to ERD (emotional regulation disorder).
I like that name better. "Borderline" doesn't really clarify what's going on. The borderline of what exactly? Never understood it.
In the UK they call it 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' - I much prefer the sound of that to be honest
@@chanimeryl1246 I think that may be worse because it tells neurotypicals anyone with a disorder of that name has only that to characterise their life/personality. At least with "borderline" there is a bit of space instead of sufferers being pigeon holed, making it necessary to know ALL the symptoms
Hope u r in a happy spare now.
@@ElanaVital83 between neurosis and psychosis. The term is older than me. It was created in the 80s
I come from a family of bullies. My sister would bully me because my mom enjoyed it and it strengthened their bond. Borderlines come from sick families. It isn't just a matter of communication style.
YAAASSS
Agreed 🤝
Not always. My sister is borderline and we had great parents.
@@sleeplesscrafterdoes she think you had great parents?
@@oatmeal710 Yes, she does. She's best friends with my dad. Unfortunately our mom died 9 years ago from ALS. She was our best friend, too. Not to say my parents didn’t have their flaws. No parent is perfect, but they didn’t abuse us. The only trauma my sister has had was not from our parents, but from her boyfriends and kids at school. I, on the other hand, was bullied by my sister, cousins, kids at school, then as an adult, severely bullied by my ex and my aunts. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, Reynaud’s, chronic anxiety, adhd, chronic tendinitis, chronic migraines, and a bunch of other things. So you see, not everyone who has mental or physical illnesses were abused by their parents. And I’m learning to be in control of my own emotions and thoughts so that nobody can ever abuse me again.
I eventually left a relationship with someone I loved as I could no longer deal with the daily stressors and instability. I had to save myself.
my boyfriend have bpd, is very agressive, impulsive , and he talks with me very nice now but in a 29 minutes he change,, l feel so sad, l dont wanna live him but
I too had to leave my husband 5 months ago. I didn't identify his behaviors as untreated BPD until until I left. I became trauma bonded in just 2 years, I'm glad and very sad I had to leave to save my sanity.
Me too. It's hard, but necessary.
@Vrushali Deshpande a hug... while that person with BDP is raging, punishing, manipulating, making threats, lying, putting people down and saying the most disgusting things to their loved ones.
No.
We can't change their BPD and no amount of support is enough to have a healthy relationship with them.
You had to save other person too. Good choice. That was a very responsible decision!
I feel so deregulated and illogical. Waves of emotion from no where and everywhere. How do you function like a regular person with this?
Kate Marie Lipscomb see a therapist or watch you tube videos at least that help you deal with it. You can also get medication if nec. But get help, and you can be healed unlike a lot of other mental health issues
At 27, mom of four and married, I take medication to help dull the knife and therapy to help monitor and grow.
Please do get a good therapist. See if there is a place that has DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).
When ur an introvert it sort of gets easier in that I can spend long periods with human interaction. And I actively seek out solitude because if you don't know me, you won't be hurt.
All I need is a bottle by my side, and some stimulation such as the internet etc.
Of course, I can't ignore my chronic suicidality but it comes with the territory I guess. I feel a little calmer having chalked out a whole plan on how to go and how to avoid past mistakes.
It also helps to keep replaying all the instances that gave me bullet proof reasons to
1. Never get close to anybody
2. Never trust anybody and always watch your back
3. Anticipate what could go wrong so I'm not caught off guard
Of course none of this is positive or encouraging but I. Just. Can't. Anymore.
@@jamie150741This is not the first time ive seen loneliness presented as an option for us with the motivation that at least others wont be hurt. and i am tempted at trying. but i also do want to believe that healibg us possible. that we can become functional human beings who dont hurt every one around us. I dont kniw how but i want to beleive its possible. *at times* other times I just want to die/self destruct...
There are a hundred ways the family is devastated by borderline . The fear and chaos , the broken windows the ruined family events , the blame on the parents .it is exhausting ,expensive and the siblings suffer too.
“ I feel like I never know the right thing to say” that resonated with me
My parents always tell me everytime I get upset that they just stopped talking to me because they're sick of walking on egg shells around me. Like yes I know, I'm sick of it too. And it hurts that we aren't close. My brother hasn't spoken to me in over a year because of my bpd. He's sick of how I act.
Have u looked Into CBT and DBT
Same here but I havent been diagnosed but damn I have checked off on 100% if the symptoms and I'm just balling watching these videos
Same with my sister. I love her but I’m exhausted having a relationship with her. Especially when she won’t seek help. Too much.
So sorry. I understand because I have it to. They don't understand. They can't. Look I was diagnosed 10 years ago after my relationship of 21 years fell horribly apart. I was finally diagnosed and given a medication called abilify. It changed my world. Please look into it because it might help you to. It's not your fault and your not broken, you just need help. Good luck 🤞
People get one life. It doesn't matter if they understand your problem or not. They get to choose how they spend their time. I won't walk on eggshells for anyone no matter what. We are all responsible for how we treat others. If you want others in your life bad enough you will stop and think about THEM and not just yourself all the time. The common denominator in all of the comments on here is ME ME ME....
I have bpd symptoms. Its very difficult to live with and its debilitating. Cant afford to see a therapist so these videos mean a lot to me. My heart goes out to those who are struggling. You are not alone. Hang in there. You are alive for a reason.
Try meditation, and other things to help. I’ve found meditation, drumming, moving my body and sound baths to be really helpful in managing my emotions.
There is great deal of DBT work books out there. DBT therapy is very helpful and there are many resources online. I think the work book is like $60 dollars and there are many RUclips channels that walk you through mindfulness strategies for free. It really has been helpful, not a cure but helpful to recognize my triggers and how not to buy into the paranoid thoughts I have about people's perceptions of me.
Also, self validation no matter what emotion may be present is so healing. It really does turn down the volume on the emtoion to simply recognize and validate yourself, that's it is ok to have the emotion. It helps you hear the logical mind more clearly. Having thoughts and emotions that you beat yourself up for having is so harmful to yourself and often times makes the emotion even bigger. You have a disorder and having extreme emotions without judging them or yourself for having them is so helpful.
The Psychological Distance aspect is overwhelming. As a single parent, you have to work and you have to cook and clean. Even though I would do my best to carry on conversations or games with my son while I did these things, he felt abandoned. Even when I was cooking something he requested, only for him and I explained that I would have to take my attention off him for X minutes to do it there would still be complaints to professionals, drama, upset. This is an impossible demand/stress to live under with all the other things that go with parenting and an absent-yet-overindulgent-ex /Disney-dad. I am deeply thankful that after inpatient treatment, as an adult my son can sometimes notice that he is reacting to the Psychological Distance when he interrupts me at work or we are shopping together and I am trying to interpret labels/prices for him, etc. He will say "I notice I am feeling anxious about you trying to figure out these things for me and I want to chatter to get your attention. Could we just stop a minute for a hug?" These occasions are wonderful improvements over the escalation or sulking that could ensue when he was a teen. I think professionals placing blame on the mother and asking the mother do more/better/different only exacerbates the extreme difficulty of living in fear of the next suicidal-ideation-inducing upset over some truly minor issue like an imperfect cup of coffee.
Amen. Living that as a parent of BPD teen right now. Thank you for writing this.
Narcissistic parents give rise to children with personality disorders. Going into joint therapy with those family members can be emotionally gut wrenching for the children not as much for the manipulative narcissistic parent(s).
Bella > NPD like any other disorder is on a spectrum scale. Some narcissists are meaner than others. I’m talking about malignant narcissist parent(s) who would want their kids dead if they did not fit the bill. These parents turn their kids into highly dysfunctional individuals. I should have been more specific.
On the other hand, how well do you know your sister and is the BPD diagnosed correctly and officially by an expert in personality disorders? Like me, a lot of people drift through their lives without scratching the surface of why they are who they are. Are you the golden child? I’d like to hear what your sister has to say. My golden child sibling would defend our father just like you’re defending yours. He gave them what I couldn’t. Even he did not know my pain and struggle.
Bella > One reason why a person might reject help through therapy is that every time they open up, it’s like scratching a scab off a wound which results in shame and narcissistic injury to the soul of a person. Vulnerable narcissists reject therapy for that reason.
I never allowed my parent to come with me...especially the same lady who caused the problem. She doesnt need to be there
@@sonnyca yeah exactly. And then they say. Times up.
@@0CowardNumberOne0 that is a heavy load for a kid to bear. Regardless of your siblings’ disorder no child deserves to be neglected. And while your sister refused therapy it sounds like you’ve been able to get healing for yourself, internet hugs to you
I have BPD and I've showed signs of mental illness for a very long time but my family ignored it and punished me when acting out. As I got older by behavior got worse and hit a all time high when I was in the army. I got treatment in the army but once I left it got back bad and now I'm just receiving treatment but my family isn't a part of it they don't acknowledge it which creates a rift.
D'Iamante Robinson I can relate
Bro i felt that! It's particularly an epidemic within the Moor community ongoing weekly off base dbt therapy goes a loooong way. Thats my next step cause the im currently only able to see the VA therapist ever other month 😬 and thats simply not enough!
@RATED I beg to differ man you notice when someone starts acting different especially a pattern picks up. My 9 yr old little brother is super perceptive of my behaviors and knows when I'm not totally myself.
It feels like it’s worse but “Turn your Mind” to a different focus.Again and again🙏
I have been diagnosed and my Son as well. It’s so scarey
@12:41 this is the hardest part of this illness for me, it's hard to get people to understand I didn't choose this. The craziest thing is that not only did we not choose this, almost all of us including myself are suffering from this because of major childhood trauma...
Your task is to accept that the only thing you can do is change yourself. The trauma is done, the damage is done. You now have work to do on yourself. Manage your life and your emotions. They don't manage you any longer. That is healing.
My ex says his upbringing was perfect but won't elaborate about why it was perfect.
Yep and we just cannot 'Get Over It'.
@@Cathy-xi8cb Bro, healing is not controling, healing is to experiencie the opposite, what didnt happen. You just being hard even though its true that there is no use in getting stuck in blaming others
@@joanbiedma7885 her name is Cathy. She's not "bro."
I have BPD and it has been a nightmare trying to get treatment! There is such a stigma with BPD, nobody wants to treat someone with this disorder.
Rae Rae keep trying, don't give up.
I know exactly what you mean. I hope you find the help you need.
Really?! Why oh no
try to find a therapist that speciaizes in bpd, trauma based therapy.
In the UK we have a service called STEPS for bpd but like any other service you wait on a list. And yes I agree bpd is trauma gone bad.
My mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she declared war on me when I was a small child. Unless I get Alzheimer’s in the future, I will never forget her cruel actions and words.
I love this woman so, so much. I recently got diagnosed with BPD at 33. Everything in my young adult life makes SO MUCH sense now, the more I research into it. I've been watching every video Dr. Ramani has on this and she is so clear, concise and makes so much sense.
I showed this video to my mum and brother and they were so thankful. Together we are learning about my disorder, and it's all thanks to Dr. Ramani.
I can't thank her enough.
Now I know why I have always hated myself, and why I knew that deep down other people didn't like me. How I relate socially is one great anxiety covered over with being nice. People sense when you are inauthentic, but when no one cares, chronically, long term, it is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. People like to think they don't judge, but they do. BPD creates many other social and emotional disorders.
I'm completely in love with the way she expresses EVERYTHING.♥️
You must not be borderline then.
@@Nightsisters_Clan I am, and I love her delivery. What’s your point?
Yes, I feel that the more honest you are with them (/us, I have the "symptoms" too) the more they (/we) are with you. We value trust HIGHLY. The catch is that we then cling to that, to you, to the honest person for dear life. Honest people are like unicorns to us - coveted.
Me also!
I’m sick of idiots thinking that BPD is exactly the same as narcissism it’s not the same it’s 2 totally different disorder with huge noticeable differences people with BPD have a huge empathetic heart they just feel things more intensely then other people and they have trouble coping with that and parents need to learn that it’s not hard to take the time to be a good caring person people with narcissism don’t have a very good since or caring and empathy people please stop thinking people with BPD are evil where not we just care twice is much and pick up on other’s emotions it not easy having BPD so please don’t get it confused with narcissism 2 totally different disorders with very noticeable difference I’m sick of explaining that to people.
@Sheila Abrahams not everyone who has BPD is a narcissist though. It is possible to have a comorbid disorder but that doesn't mean every diagnosed person has that.
You will know the difference between NPD and BPD
I agree. I have BPD, and family members have tried to "diagnose" me with NPD as well. I have had years of therapy and they have not, so maybe they should look within themselves for answers instead of projecting onto me because I'm the weak link in the family.
The empathy is fake it’s not real. They might not be as bad as narcs but most people with bpd are liars and cheaters just like narcissists! Very similar
@@jordan6123 Duh.
Both are still very selfish aka narcissistic in their ways
“Tone delivery matters” yeah I feel this one because sometimes I think I’m saying something normally but my mom point out that I’m being aggressive and I’m not even aware of it. Also when I’m having serious conversation with her we’re always walking on eggshells because most of the time it escalates quickly whenever we say something that trigger the other one.
“When you think of abandonment you think of a man who’s leaving someone and disappear and never get in touch again well obviously that’s an extreme example" After hearing this, I needed to fight so hard to don’t dissociate and stay focus because someone I cherished did it...
Idk if it was a good idea to tell this here but I needed to let it out. I have ADHD but I can relate with many BPD traits it’s almost like I’m a quiet BPD but I know it’s really wrong to self diagnose. Anyway to anyone who take the time to read this comment, have a wonderful day or night stay healthy and safe 🤍
Thank you for sharing,you are not ALONE !!
After reading the "-" part I literally dissociated like- 😂
Love coming to you dear one.
Wow me too....so hard x
Diagnosed with adhd and borderline at 39
Wow! My mother has BPD and growing up was exactly like walking on eggshells, she manipulated and caused extreme stress until I finally decided to stop speaking to her. I’m so lucky I got out when I was 19 and had to mother myself and learn how to heal the negativity experienced.
I'm the BPD one and I can tell how some of my closest family members feel that "what the heck should I..." And I'm also in the "what should I, how could I..." And the burden of being alive and dragging all your loved ones to this.
My husband by far, has done it so naturally well. He just asks or checks what's more helpful. He's my best friend. Thanks for this video. 💗
I pray for u both. Don't give up.
Living with someone with bpd is the constant wait when the next tantrum will happen and what’s going to trigger it now . It doesn’t matter how I approach a situation I know anything I’m going to say is going to make a huge blow up .
Even you saying that triggered me lmao it made me so sad and feel like I’m a burden to my family and hard to deal with now. damn hypersensitivity sucks because I know you don’t mean to be mean but it just made me feel like I’m too complicated for those around me. And it’s not even mean! It’s just how u feel. But we’re so sensitive to the dumbest stuff
Tantrum...trigger word
jackie Griffin that’s what it is, Thank you!
I live with a borderline who doesn’t want to get diagnosed and doesn’t want to believe that he has a problem, your self awareness will help you in your life . Sorry I didn’t mean to trigger you , I’m just talking about my personal issues .
It is not a tantrum. It is the in ability to control your emotions... The person with bpd does not choose to act in a way that is out of sorts. We do not like the way it makes us feel. We do not want to feel this way...unfortunetly there is not alot of research on this topic. It is so easy to judge when your on the outside.....just imagine something that medically affects you thyroid issues, diabetic, high blood pressure. Do you choose to have them? No you dont. Did someone with bpd choose their up bringing or did they choose to put themselves in a position where they are. No they did not.. Bpd is trauma based. Something we did not choose and we did not choose to have these issues.....we DO have the ability to choose to get help we DO have the ability to do research and be our own advocates.
The fear of abandonment is very realistic because for most stable individuals, when they encounter toxic people, they cut and run. This should be expected.
If they understand it’s all about themselves and not the people and situations around them that causes the abandonment, they might understand and agree they deserve it. Unless they do that deep self work for their entire lives
I reached out to mother for help once when i was having a panic episode. She told me i can help myself because i studied psychology. My father never liked any problems in the household so for a time i was trapped and helpless. I was never allowed to need help. I was dismissed and my feelings invalidated. It helps to have a community where u can share your experience.
I SO wish that changing your tone was always effective. Some people w/ BPD will perceive people leaving the room to go pee as abandonment: "If they really wanted to be with me now, they'd hold it". Do not blame yourself for their reactions.
it stems from poor, usually abusive, narc parenting. Not all people with Emotional Dysregulation disorder exhibit anxiety, feels abandoned when someone leaves the room. We are on a spectrum, and symptoms can vary. Compassion is key, and so is patience. If you have neither, yes, it is easier to simply walk away. Work is done on both sides, not just the person with the disorder. Thank you.
My BDP ex-boyfriend would get particularly agitated if I went to pee after sex.
@@quigeeboh677 you don't need to be free of compassion to walk away from someone with BPD. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. The behaviour can be intolerable.
I have BPD but that example sounds dreadful and unheard of. I'm sorry if you've dealt with that.
@@quigeeboh677 Did you miss the phrase "some people"? You forgot to mention that it is essential to keep strong boundaries so that other people's reactions do not elicit immediate responses from you. It is, frankly, a lot of work to deal with BPD individuals who aren't receiving very skilled treatment for this disorder. Most healthy people do not want to have to work this hard to be in relationship with someone. Has nothing to do with patience and compassion. It is exhaustion and reward.
My husband is a saint :( He doesn’t deserve this I need and I will get help
Great attitude! Good luck on your journey💞
Same gurlie, i dont want my gurlie feeling like shit over meee 😳🙏✨ she is the only thing keeping me here lmao
Hey it’s 4 years later, how did that work out?
I finally have a word for what I do: Hypermonitoring. Thank you!
Same⚘
Same, my parents argue almost 24/7, and in most cases they aren’t serious and are just playing around with each other, but I have still learned to “read” people’s moods and have become
hyper aware of that shift in mood because of them, as the d.r said I’ve “learned to become very “acutely” aware of the “temperature” in the room”
At All Times, when their in a room together, It is a fight or flight instinct
that has integrated it self in my mind
to survive. It’s hell being hyper aware when arguing starts happening,
any where not just at home, I see some one arguing and I panic and that fight or flight takes over my body, it’s hell, and it’s not fun
@@bandobssesd6190 I see. Wow. It's a struggle, sorry you're going through that. I know how that feels in the moment. It sucks. I realized I always picked up on cues that others did not, facial expressions, body language, tone.. all of that... mainly due to my mom's lack of expressed emotion. I just never knew how she felt & never helped me deal w my own emotions. A mess.
I'm so glad I came across this post & can read other people's experiences.
Same here!
@Jane King is it with specific people? [like once you're super comfortable with them or people you've been close to for a while?]
In Finland BPD is called unstable personality disorder and I think that's also so much better than borderline
I'd love to watch a video about the consequences of growing up with a parent/caregiver with BPD or BPD traits.
Check out Dr Kim Sage!
Jay reid has a really great video on bpd parents
I have a mom and sister with BPD and a narcissistic father - watching Dr. Ramani and MedCircle (plus my own therapy) has been extremely helpful in giving me the perspective of those around me. As challenging as it was and is for me, it’s even more challenging and painful for my loved ones who live with these maladaptive personalities. Remembering that and keeping in mind the trauma they experienced that worked to create them re-centers me and reminds me to lead with empathy. While the relationships still thrive the most with well-enforced boundaries and an abundance of love and patience, it’s always important to remember how the other person may be experiencing things.
I am living with very difficult partner which makes you doubt you, the world makes you afraid of any move, the next blow up is just around the corner, you see the family crumble, the kids becoming mentally crumbled... until, you understand ( thanks to those videos) what's really going on, have a name for it, a description which resonates with what you have felt all those years, it is liberating. I can start living again.
Having said that I am really sad to see the 10 to 1 ratio of thumbs down to thumbs up on this video, it should tell us something.
I understand that affected people are victims if their circumstances but would hope there is a way they could see the path of destruction they leave behind.
"Psychological distance" is something I'm interested in closing the gap on. Growing up with a lot of that I'm not always warm and fuzzy or attentive to emotional needs around me when I need to be. I've been aware of this and have worked on it. Right now, in trauma care, I'm reaching the point where I'm able again to begin work on that. I like being thoughtful towards the other person, and more people should learn to be just as a general practice. It would make the world a much more pleasant place to live.
Judy Lee inspiring
I don't know you but based on your comment alone, I want to let you know that I love you and appreciate you. It's a relief and a breath of fresh air to know that some of the members of the human race do think that way, do actual WANT to be thoughtful of their fellow brothers & sisters. And we SHOULD want to. We are all really just one huge family. We belong to eachother. And ultimately we are all truly ONE.🌏🌈💖 Keep up the good work Brussel Sprout. I hope you have a fantastic day. I'm proud of you. And I Love you. And I love me. And I love every single one of you.🌈💕💕💕✌️😊
My sister has not spoken to me since blowing up at me two years ago. She has given me the silent treatment several times in my life. It is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s always a complete surprise . It’s like losing a loved one and grieving but they are still alive. I pray that we can repair the relationship someday. Not sure how.
I could have written this myself !! I absolutely understand you.
I have the same with my sister.
It’s such a complex disorder. I have been on my BPD journey for 8 years.
My husband has BPD (high functioning, angry, externalizing impulse), and it is very difficult at times. Thank you for sharing your insight because knowledge is power, and I need all the help I can get for myself and my 4 kids. I had a professional once tell me, "mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior." It's really is a challenge.
Wow, 4 kids. I am hoping you have miss diagnosed him for the sake of the 4 children. The professional is right, you should not be making excuses for bad behaviour. You can not accept unacceptable behaviour if you want to maintain mental health and that of the children
When you need strength, think of what his behavior and your compliance teach your 4 kids. That will guide your actions. You married and had kids with someone that is destructive to a healthy family life. Proceed accordingly. Protect your kids from their father at all costs, including your marriage. That is what a good mother does.
i do not have the privilege of sustained treatment, but i’ve been binge watching your bpd videos & every single conversation point has been resonating deeply with me. at the very least, i appreciate the obtainment of knowledge. once i am able to, i will definitely seek clinical help. thank you for shedding a light on this mental illness
I have walked on egg shells for most of time my child was growing up until they finally got help and diagnosis. I didn't know anything about BPD and I considered them as just growing up and learning but in the end as caused my mental health to deteriorate.
When my first girlfriend broke up with me. I was shattered, I felt something was taken from me. I wasn't able to sleep on my own even though I did when I had the relationship with her. In those following weeks I was sleeping with a mattress on the ground in my parents' room or I wasn't able to bear the feeling of loneliness or abandonment.
That part about BPD sufferers monitoring what is happening in the room with everyone is the absolute truth. I can tell when the tone has changed, or if they are "check-out" and then I will obsess about what I have done to spark that dissent. Sometimes I will ask, sometimes I assume the reason why "Hello, BPD here" and am wrong. But, make no mistake we feel the temperature, altitude, and barometer change, and then the psych shit show begins, it f*cking sucks.
Yes, couldnt agree more. For me i am wired like that because all my life i grew up walking on shells in order not to make my father explode. Not just me but my mother and brother had to walk on shells for him too. He would snap for the stupidest reasons and get violent. And my mother never defended us or said anything to him. I confronted her years later ane she doesn't feel sorry, she thinks that because she was afraid there was nothing she could have done. After he exploded he would just leave the house for hours. We were often left crying and cleaning wahtever he broke. And then he would just come back and apologize and say he wouldn't do it again. And then he always did. If we cried in front of him he would get mad. So i learnt to keep my emotions inside. When i grew up i started having these anger explosions from emotions kept inside for years. I strongly believe my father has bpd but he never got diagnosed. And i know he grew up in an even worse environment than he made us grow in. His father was just like him and worse. He was a violent alcoholic and gambler and from what i heard he made their life a hell. Which still doesn't justify what he did to us. And doesn't justify my mother's behaviour. She could have divorced him. She always says how she didn't because she would have to go to live with her parents and didn't want to be a burden and while that may be partly true, i know she was just afraid to be the dovorced woman. Back then it was a shame for a woman to go back to her parents in my country. I struggle to forgive her for that even though we speak every day. I havent spoken to my father in years.
I have been living with BPD for a lifetime, and I feel like a refugee from planet pain.
Trust me when I say heroin is only Effective at providing the inner peace and contentment that we crave ohh so badly for only so long (a few months max) and then you’ll be left with allllll the “problems” you where originally Dealing with plus a physical sickness and mental slavery that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
My friend, I think the only way out is through, I tried to scoot around it by trying to avoid and numb out, for it to only have it compounded far greater than a reality that I think I am equip to deal with.
We must face our demons, because if we try and run, trust me they are faster then they always catch up
Yes. I totally relate! My situation with my Daughter is critical. It’s been years of not speaking. The worst part is how my Grandchildren have been effected by the poison from my Daughter. She forbids them to contact me. Boardline Personality Disorder can absolutely tear a family apart!
I think the toughest toughest thing to deal with as a family member is the impact the inevitable hypervigilance has that’s caused by never knowing if what comes out of our mouth, regardless of how mindful and respectful it is, can change the dynamics of a situation at the flip of a switch. I have to put so much thoughtfulness into most conversations just to keep them cool. I think the beat way to describe it is like spinning a roulette wheel with the ball pushed to the outside is the energy put into desperately figure out exactly how to word something to both get your point across and more importantly keep things cool. When the wheel slows and the ball starts to settle closer is the scary anticipation of delivering the message, praying it will land on the right number/color followed by the moment it settles into the slot(The actual comment). I’ve never played roulette but this is the best analogy I can think of. It’s so frustrating as a person but more significantly, devastating to see your loved one be affected so profoundly by a mental health challenge.
I agree. I have health problems now, and I feel many of them are from the stress.
Just please be understanding. We didn't choose this and we don't do it on purpose or have control over it. I was diagnosed at 44 about 10 years ago and have done a 180 with medication and knowledge. I feel so guilty about how I used to be and the damage I did. Anyways abilify is the medication that change my life from out of control to manageable. Maybe it can help your loved one. Good luck 🤞
Beautifully illustrated analogy.
Finally an appropriate sized rug to really tie the room together!
Lmfao
We need more light though
😂
Lmao you know if you know 😂
🤣🤣🤣 this comment made my day lol
I used to have this exact issue with my family. Over the years, besides aging, self talk, and not reacting right away is important, that came with group therapy and a whole lot of practice, which continues on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I don't or didn't have family support, in my family it was easier to make me the scapegoat. Today I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I live for the moment since really when you think of it, that's all we have and that's what we cherish. I also live by this simple motto, if I'm feeling anxious, I'm living in the future, (which we can't control), if i'm feeling depressed Im living in the past. So there you have it, live for the glorious moment with gratitude!
I have bpd and the best thing I ever did was go to therapy... finally at 33, but I did it! And I’ve been going for 3 years now. It has really helped me and I recommend talk therapy to anyone who feels overwhelmed, even if you don’t have bpd.
For the Non- BPD family members, compassion, tone, approach, understanding...all things to strive for.
Our family was torn apart by deeply inappropriate, hurtful, irreparable destructive behavior of the
family member with BPD. Do they have NO responsibility ? Non-BPD members have a right to self-preservation. They shouldn't be expected to be 24/7 emotional punching bags. There is a limit.
Totally agree, walking on eggshells no reprieve from someone who can never see someone else's point of view
@a-Tron You literally just ignored this OP's point of view and made it about how YOU feel
Agreed. I have a father and a sister with BPD symptoms. My mother coached me to always placate them, which made me grow up believing I don't count.
@a-Tron LOL no, I don't want to "just see you as evil people", but when I see someone dismissive of someone else's feelings to protect their own egos, I'm going to point it out.
I know people who have BOD who have gotten help and are doing fantastic. They are more often than not the most interesting, introspective people you could meet.
I've also know people with BPD who refuse to take ownership of their own behavior and they are the most problematic people you could ever meet.
This OP is expressing real pain, and you (YOU, not all BPD people but YOU ALONE) were dismissive.
@a-Tron I understand. But the poster (sorry, not the OP but the comment below it) wasn't doing that and you accused them of "making hurtful generalizations" because they were talking about someone with BPD who can't see anyone else's POV.
A key trait for BPD sufferers is THEIR feelings trumps everything else in their brain in a hot moment. That "everything else" that gets drowned out is more often than not, other's POV and feelings.
Its usually after they've cooled down that they recognize the oversight and feel terrible about themselves for it. But by then the harm's already been done.
That's why getting ongoing help is the only way for BPD sufferers to get conscious of the feelings of others in the heat of their own.
It's exhausting and draining for lived ones and S/Os without that essential help.
I have been diagnosed with quiet BPD and C-PTSD. After 30+ years of many different therapies, countless medications (couldn’t tolerate antidepressants and refuse antipsychotics because of the side effects) I was only diagnosed 3 years ago and then the puzzle was complete. I am starting EMDR as last resort but I have chronic anxiety and terrified of it.
Hugs to everyone, even though we want to be alone but really don’t want to be :)
Dialectical Behavior Therapy is treatment for BPD. It changed my life and I do not meet criteria for diagnosis anymore.
My first inpatient visit one of the techs called me a “fucking borderline” when he thought I was out of earshot. That wasn’t my diagnosis, but I’ve been petrified of being labeled as such since. I do have traits and serious abandonment issues, but don’t act out.
Hey Lindsay! I’m sorry that tech said that close to you. I fee like I do have bpd, but haven’t gotten diagnosed yet, so don’t really know.
Erica Bressler it’s clearly stuck with me through the years. So much PTSD from hospital stays, being at other people’s mercy, being totally powerless. It broke me in so many ways.
I was diagnosed as a “quite boarderline” because I act out internally. Might be something to look in to. You are so much more than a diagnosis, and it’s a shame someone made you feel ashamed of your diagnosis.
@@BrittHubbs yeah, my last therapist (whom I miss dearly) said I had "borderline features" rooted in trauma. And I totally agree. I think if I were to go looking for a diagnosis, I would qualify as a "quiet borderline" because I keep it all inside, and try not to "bother anyone with my love" (lol). The OCD, GAD, and ED are enough labels for me for now 😉 Also could easily be diagnosed with Aspergers/HFA but again, if we're addressing the symptoms, I'm okay not having an "official" dx. 😊 Still hate those techs though - they constantly goaded me while I was there, and I reacted, and I would get in more and more trouble...it was a disaster.
@@lindsaysheffield i have to ask, what have you done that helped. I have had a few mis-diagnosis including depression and anxiety and ADHD. But since leaving a marriage and ill-fitting job site, I don’t have those issues anymore. Now it’s CPTSD with 3 on the BPD list. So, what worked for you. Please post links if there are sites you recommend
I have bpd and ptsd my I've lived through all forms of abuse by those I trusted most it true I always worry about everyone else feelings in a room I spend most my time alone because it's to exhausting I feel most the time miss understood I've been on medication for a couple decades finally reached my truest diagnosis finally started therapy 5 years ago all I ever received before was more medication
Loved this video! Absolutely love Dr. ramani she makes everything so easy to understand!!
Yes!
I agree.
I also agree. this video is extremely helpful for friends and family that have to deal with me. I can tell this Dr really cares alot about the understanding of this disorder. she is probly my favorite on this topic.
I agree
I am realizing that my MFT daughter is BPD and I can see how this developed from her childhood. We just had a big blow up when we attempted to introduce why she should not marry a man who she just met a month ago from a foreign county here on a visa. She has a 3 yo child. I am doing what ever research I can and attempting to open the door of communication while trying not to be abused and used myself. This is helpful thank you.
Question for Dr. Ramani: I identified my mother as a narcissist some time ago. Now I'm suspecting that I have BPD. What are the chances of a narcissistic parent causing their child to develop BPD and what kind of outcome would be expected?
Listening to this is so tough for me. I am crying and couldn’t go ahead easily. My life is a Roller coaster due to my wife’s behaviour. If I don’t calm myself and do the right things my wife can get me killed or arrested in an hour of a having a normal conversation or laughing on things. Her Rage lasts for 30 mins to a day and can be on the smallest of things. If I say ‘I love you’ or ‘Sorry’ things will instantly go to normal like nothing happened. She hears things that I didn’t say or judge my tone and will ask angrily for clarification. I clarify on seemingly trivial things but certain times she will be more offended and start throwing things. We are seeing a counselor with no success. My wife thinks I and the Counselor are making things up. My lip is broken, laptop shattered on arguments she don’t even remember. She thinks that me and my family are always planning something behind her back. She has only lived with my family for 20 days in 3 years. I sometimes will not be able to process whats happening anymore. I could not tell this to anyone near me. The Counselor has yet to tell us if she has BPD or BD but she has mentioned that throwing tantrums on perceived things is not normal. My wife doesn’t give a damn and have said that she will not see the counselor anymore. I used to love her but I can not anymore. She has done too much harm. All I want now is she corrects her behavior for the society to have a good life. In my society Divorce is a taboo but I may consider it to save my life.
Oh gosh your situation sounds very difficult and even dangerous. I think it’s very important for you to stay very level but clearly let her know her actions are harmful, wrong and need to stop with the genuine intent and communication that you want to change the behavior on your part that hurts her as well.
I have bpd and so much of what you wrote reminded me of my relationships. Neuro emotional technique has been really helpful for me. It physically locates the original trauma and integrates it so your behaviors will stop triggering her. Chiropractors practice it usually. I would strongly encourage you to look it up. My symptoms are much much better since doing that modality.
In spite of your society taboo's I hope you end up chosing you. It's exhausting, depleting and joyless to be in such a situation. Doesn't mean you don't love her, just can't continue with a one way relationship. Good luck to you.
It's very possible she has co-morbidities & even a schizo-effective disorder.
I am so sorry. Please know we didn't choose this and we don't understand and we think it's everyone else. Also know she is in a torturous place in her head and one day if she can get help she will be riddled with guilt for everything she did and said. I hated myself for so long for being the way I was. The emotions are like nothing any "normal" person could comprehend. It physically hurts SO bad you think you're going to die from feelings. Again I'm so sorry but I'm also sorry for her because I know the excruciating mental pain she must be going through. I got help and my life is so much better. Abilify. That's the medication that changed everything for me. Good luck 🤞
I am deeply sorry to hear of these tragic events taking place in your life. I have undergone a similar situation for over 18 years, but finally decided to break away from the relationship because I just could not take the disrespect and hurtfulness any longer. You are very brave for admitting that you are in such a difficult situation. You should not be putting your needs second. Life is too short to put yourself last, and I pray that you respect yourself enough to take control over your life and heal after being mistreated so unfairly. It may seem taboo to offer a perspective that contradicts offering help to someone suffering from a mental illness, but sometimes it's simply not worth the effort. And that's totally okay. You are within your right to feel mistreated and disrespected. I know it may be easy for me to say, but if I were you I would make a clean break. You must realize that you and your mental health matter most. I pray you make the right decision. I know that I did and although it is a struggle on a day-to-day basis to be alone after being in an 18 year partnership, I know I am in a much better place because I have taken back ownership over my own life and have slowly begun to heal. Much luck and many blessings on your mission.
Great video!!! My diagnoses is C-PTSD with BPD traits. The statements about how family says or does certain things affecting us was right on for me. Tone is HUGE!!! I think one thing that bothers me so much about the stigma is most people with BPD have childhood trauma.
I'm 99,9% sure that's my case. Do you have a narcissistic family? Regards
Non BPD do not like the BPD TONE either!
Please make a video for children who grew up with a BPD parent ( both mothers AND fathers. Everyone focuses on only mothers, but my father has traits)
Check out Dr Kim Sage!
This doctor has taught me so much about myself - things I already knew deep down but couldn’t articulate . To myself or anyone close to me. Which due to my BPD, there aren’t many. Thank you for posting these videos and thank you to this doctor she truly truly has BDP explained the way we, actually live it.
It’s the parents fault for having kids if you plain to have a kid you need to take responsibility to do what ever you can to give that kid a good life it’s not the child’s fault.
Kaella Rosenberg......EXACTLY!
I was kid #4 in our family.....their last one. I felt like they just had children just because that’s what society was doing......not because they actually desired them. By the time I came along, I was a disappointment to them.....I was ‘supposed to be’ a boy. I had one brother and two sisters.
Most of the time, I felt like I just blended into the wallpaper.....or the shadows.
At the end of my fathers life, he would pass my house to go visit everyone else. At the end of my mother’s life, she made it clear that she did not like me, at all. I don’t know how much my narcissistic oldest sister had to do with my mother’s behavior towards me, but my sister and a step mom started spreading a vicious lie to my father, that I probably wasn’t his daughter.
Basically, it left me wondering what the hell I did to make myself so unloveable? It hurt.
Even though I know I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family of narcissistic psychopaths, I still felt outnumbered by them....feeling like it was something that was wrong with me.....even though my husband told me otherwise.
@@gracebe235 Your story makes me understand the life of the only friend I have. It's very similar, she was so dismissed and blamed for everything. I could not understand why.
I wish I do not agree with you, but I do agree with you. All my life I blamed my mental trauma on my self and saw no fault in my parents. At 40, I just realized that they are the reason me and my sister struggled so much to have normal lives. My sister is mentally stronger and she did managed to detach from them and survive. I am full of grudges toward my parents even though I know they do not have to be perfect. I just want to forgive them. I wish I would've never realized they were the root of my mental issues.
@@joanae8189 It's like they want you not to become a grown person. Having that kind of childhood is crippling, but you can grow out of it. I was lucky to have therapy, got to see my life from a little distance, within it actions and consecuences, my grandma's and mom's own disadvantages, fears and motives, I was able to forgive my mother, I don't think I could have done it without therapy. I wish for you to get better.
@@kittenm2784 Exactly! My mother still treats me like I am a 8 years old. I her mind I am a child. Even when I tried to have conversations with my father; I talked to him about politics or economy because I know he is interested in that; still he shots me down like he doesn't have time to talk about those things with a child. I think it's time for me to go back to therapy. Thank you for your input.
Its frustrating being so sensitive and dissociation is scary sometimes 💜
8:00 it’s not that they’re afraid of therapy, it’s that by going to therapy is admitting something is “wrong” with them. I remember reading a book about mental disorders, trying to figure out why I was so sensitive and emotional and just breaking down crying because something was “wrong” with me.
i relate to this but am undiagnosed and don’t even know where to start. i also feel like my parents wouldn’t even take it into consideration if i even brought it up. i don’t think they care enough.
I ended up breaking up with someone I care deeply about with BPD. I have bipolar and our issues fed into each other in profoundly unhealthy ways... he frequently said that i was good for him, his anxiety, sense of abandonment etc. - but it felt so often like a completely one way street, constantly walking on egg shells, constant anxiety, constant feeling of failure. I started having physiological symptoms, ulcers, hair loss... I will admit to just giving up and leaving. My Bipolar didn't help - whether in a depressed state or manic - my behavior triggered him. In two years, I never managed to find the balance between self care and care for him. This whole talk and other videos have really clarified a lot of things for me - thank you.
I've been through hell n back living with bpd for over ten years recently broke up with my fiance of three years because of bpd I'll never forget how much she put up with the mood swings and depression
I’m a mom of a 24 year old! She has therapy put I don’t know anything about what’s going on! I don’t even know what her diagnoses. But every day is so like this!
I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and didn't realize how I was speaking to others or the body language I was using tha came across in ways that I didn't intend. I am working with intent and impact of things I do. I don't typically yell or scream but I do get very emotional and am a very emotionally sensitive person. I am also doing DBT which is starting to change the way I act and react, I didn't think it was possible. I have lived in a state of hypervigilance for soooo long that I didn't know there was another way to feel. I hate that my family has had to go through this for so many years. Now, my husband is seeing a difference in actions and reactions and seeing that I am not assuming things based on body language or a look he may give, I am actually observing and not assuming and if I need to ask what the issue is, I am asking. And this seems to be upsetting him even more and I feel like with me trying to be better and mindful is negatively impacting him and our relationship. It feels to me like he isi inconvenienced by me asking.
THANKS for being honest, I'm a mental health professional and I really feel guilty sometimes that I don't practice what I preach, good to know others do to!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you should try at least.
My BPD former friend would speak to me in very harsh tones but I always had to watch my tone with him as well as what I said. I had to walk on eggshells.
It was exhausting and I finally gave up trying to keep this "friend" in my life.
I could listen to her speak all day. Thank you so much for speaking to BPD. Walking on eggshells... I know this well.
I finally know what my son is dealing with, there is a name, there is recognition, everything you are saying resonates deeply... thank you!!!
I just discovered this. I have BPD. I was an abandoned child. I have many of the ear markers. My therapist is who brought it my attention. I thought I only had PTSD. Now, with this new information, I have started DBT. I like to think of myself as high functioning. I have suffered not only trauma but the symptoms of BPD
Dr. Ramani is wonderful. Understanding that my mother was BPD and a Narcissist helped me find others that have experienced what I have and helped me to continually process and deal with my trauma.
7:50 I am VERY open socially about the fact that I am in therapy for the very reason described here. I will happily take whatever fallout comes along with that.
My sister has bpd, and it has been an exhausting nightmare. These videos help a lot though.
My sister, too! At least, I think so. Everyone always either has a spouse or a mother with it. But it's hard if you have a sibling with it. Particularly if they're going untreated. Is it your older or younger sister?
Thank you for loving her.
1. Communication , passive aggressive, escalating into arguments
2. Tone - how you said it, sarcastic tone
3. Awareness , especially around the key issue of abandonment , psychological distance in the room, especially if the person was traumatised and abused
The tone of voice if off key with the borderline causes splitting.
As a BPD I fully agree! I am a mirror.
Absolutely. It's worse in text messages. The splitting is caused easier as the BPD will read a negative tone into text. I've experienced this many times with a few BPD friends, it's better to talk on the phone.
Other triggers including that: being left out, not being talked to, ignoring me, telling me what to do or micromanaging, yelling at me for no reason, getting angry at me for something I didn't do, someone leaving me, someone changing the way they text or speak, how the person acts around me....distant or cold...so many more that i haven't uncovered...
yes
it s true, it s tone
I suspect a loved one may have BPD. The rage and paranoia and vindictive behavior has gotten progressively worse. I have tried to help, reassure and even helped them find a therapist. I don't believe he continued therapy. I feel for my own self preservation that I have given up.The splitting, suddenly I am seen as nothing but horrible.He has become more and more verbally cruel. I hurt for him but I simply cannot do this anymore.
Wow! This video has truely helped me recognise my part spot on 100% in this difficulty with my daughter. I'm now wondering how to help my situation make life better for her. I'm a pensioner and just don't have the means to start this process. Even my daughter cud not afford the treatment. But Hank you Kyle and especially thank you Dr. Ramani for enlightening me to this issue
I have an older sibling who probably has both BPD and NPD traits, we were very close growing up but as we became adults she became more controlling, manipulative, throwing the guilt trips/gaslighting, blind rage, suicide threats, etc. I’ve been no contact for over a year, while I still regret it but unfortunately there was nothing I could do to make things right unless I did exactly her bidding.
However, the last year has led me into deep introspection to realize where the family went wrong and I hope better understand and help detoxify. But for my sibling, she see’s nothing wrong in her behavior.
Thank you so much. The anxiety came so strong. It took over my life for so long. I unfortunately couldn’t get the self help without leaving him. This is very hard with young kids and a ex with mental health issues.
I Am the mother of one (not fully diagnosed yet because he is Young and he has develooed addiction too, so it makes the diagnosis more difficult). I can tell that after many years with his rage, living it's extremely difficult. Now he is in hospital for the 15th time I think, I miss him.so much but I can finally sleep, stay in silence, have my own control of my house, don't panick every night as he usually escape from the garden when I sleep, he overdosed two times this year. He went into ICU two times. And now I Am under anti depressant. The pain families experience is , at least in my country, understimates.
Thank you so much for this video! Not many people are willing to understand people with personality disorders. This interview allowed me also to understand how difficult it is for people on the receiving end. I think understanding and having compassion is key.
This all rings so loudly true to me. My adult daughter as BPD and she hates how she behaves so much. I have hotter to a point I can handle it well and it doesn't get to me as really bc I recognize my part in it and have forgiven myself for my mistakes when I was a young mother. The hardest thing with my family now is getting my 73 year old mother to understand and helping her to handle the episodes better as we live with my parents and I think my mom may have silent BPD or at least some of the traits. I will def share this vid with my mom. Thank you
I wish I had time to watch this whole video , but I've always believed that you could say thank you to a person in the right tone of voice without actually using the words thank you. You could say I love you" in the right tone without actually using those three words. There are so many ways that a person can get around certain words if they aren't comfortable with them just by the tone of your voice or their attitude. I would rather have someone say "oh that is so nice of you wow I never expected a gift this beautifu,l than to look at me and say "thanks"!
I never thought I'd ever hear anybody Express these thoughts. Thank you
Dr. Ramani's mind is so quick, it is astonishing to listen to her talk.
I love watching these videos about BPD, which I have been diagnosed with, but this video literally brought tears to my eyes because it has made me understand myself a bit more. However, it makes me feel guilty that I am not strong enough to control myself like I did when I was growing up, but I would like to thank you all for doing these videos. My whole family have been affected by this condition, and the thing that makes it worse is that some of my children are now showing signs of suffering with BPD themselves, now I feel awful. Keep the videos coming.
Got daughter into therapy at 17 after she said she was ready to talk. Counsellor has diagnosed BPD. So my research begins and a lot makes sense now. I am exhausted but hopefully I’ll be able to help now
👌 we need a Dr. Ramani multi-vitamin!
this lady is great thank you
Absolutely
As much as I would love for my mother to watch this I understand in her mind the family is the problem.
She described my mother perfectly.
When I feel like my husband need to talk about something that upsets me or troubles we are having, my husband comletely with draws, and won’t talk at all. It makes me so mad, and I feel so very abandoned, left alone, ignored and like he doesn’t care at all. Then of course, my anger, frustration, confusion and perceptive lack of care/love, completely explodes.
I've learned so much from Dr. Ramani's talks. Thank you so very much