Hi. I'm at the beginning of this video. Does it discuss how to set boundaries, as in, in what regards, and how to decide what and how much? Or is that in another video?
I never learned to set boundaries. It wasn't allowed in my house growing up. As an adult I gave and gave to my family. I had the energy and money to do it. I'd fly across the country, drive hours to attend weddings, whatever was required. Then I was assaulted and left unable to work. I have a traumatic brain injury. 27 family members dumped me. 2 still call and show up about once a year to visit. Why am I writing this? Please begin setting boundaries now. And be prepared to find out who your friends really are. Don't wait until you are injured to seek and find real relationships.
I am so sorry about your serious injuries and assault, and on top of that the vacuum you experience at the hands of your own family. This entire world is narc-opathic abuse. I hope that you can find the courage to keep moving forward and discovering new inner gifts and positive aspects of yourself and create the family you need. "Family of origin" and family systems psychology may be helpful to explore and define new boundaries.
B. Small, I'm so sorry. May God bless you, because of your good heart. In the mean time, I pray that others begin to see your value, and realize what they are missing out on. I pray that you have true friends, that come into your life and be supportive of you. You deserve it.
I definitely have issues with over sharing, then I regret it, I think it's a subconscious way to try to get validation and empathy, things I haven't had much in my life, I hate it when I do it 😬
1. Inability to make decisions 2. People pleasing 3. Excessive fatigue 4. Endless guilt about small things 5. Lost sense of self 6. Oversharing 7. Resentment towards partner's boundaries 8. Passive aggressiveness 9. Fear of rejection or abandonment
I have more self-respect when I say no, and the person I say no to that person, that person respects me. I still have a little guilt, at rare times, but I feel happier!
I ticked all the boxes. I was raised by dysfunctional people who established shame and fear in me. I've never learnt how to properly communicate and set boundaries. The only think that I developpped masterfully was extreme empathy, which was definetely a coping mechanism that allowed me to retrieve information, to 'read the room', without having to engage in verbal communication or confrontation. There's so much work that needs to be done and I'm ready for it. Thank you.
Extreme empathy is actually something abused children develop because you need to determine what 'state' someone else is in because your life depends on it. We are incredible beings and like a deaf and blind person will learn to read physical vibration so abused children learn to sense others intentions and states.
I overshared like crazy after narcissistic abuse....I would tell strangers my life story...poor people they are looking at me like, I don't know what to do with that.😳 I was doing it to make sense out of all the stuff that is in my head. I was trying to get some reassurance from someone .. that I'm in the state I am for a reason...it was so inepropriate but I learned when I see people oversehering not to think they are crazy or inepropriate but to understand they are traumatized and they are just trying to get some sanity back. Get validated so they can feel not crazy. Now after healing for years I probably undershare....just don't have a need for others to validate me or listen to me. So oversharing is I believe part of healing too. Don't feel guilty...say to your self it's okay darling, you are just trying to make your self feel better, it's okay, I love you. Selfparent and comfort the inner child any time.❤️
@Margaret I'm glad❤️...it's very normal...the problem is no one can get us, so we keep talking about it....they say things like but he loved you at the beginning, he was so into you and you go🤔 haven't you listen to anything I said. And again you feel not heard, not validated, crazy, like it's all in your head, you got traumatized yet again from your friends and loved ones. That's why it helps to talk to people who have been through it. Only they get it. ❤️
@Pearl White I understand this 100%! This is my childhood and exactly what I e done and love you mentioned the friend thing as well! I have been retraumitized by friends as well.
@@TMH792 yes, it's like a script really...even when you have good friends. You will feel complittly alone in it. I joined Facebook group for a while (narcissistic abuse recovery or something like that) and I did realize I was finily understood and all the other people said made sense too. But you have to have tick skin there too. There will be narcissisti there too, messing with people. There will be men narcissist trying to pick up women also. Being all oh how she messed with me, poor me, trying to hook you in because they know you are codependent (empathetic). There will be ones that make you feel not heard or understood too but the majority of time you ll get validated by the others who know exactly what you are talking about. And that's healing. Finily heard, finily validated, finily you are making sense to someone. I did leave the group because it just gets bit much of negative stuff to listen about(and drama is adictive thanks to production of dopamine in the brain which is why we stay with narcissist) but for few months I spent in the group it did me real good, I finily made sense to someone. Not sure if it would help you...you can practice boundaries too. Like when attacked from onother member of the groupe you can learn not to be too reactive but still stand up for yourself. Not defending your self but showing the other person you are your own best supporter and friend. No attacking back, no right fighting, no explaining. You recognize intention is to mess with you or put you down or discredit you and you just say, That's your story and this is my truth....... and you move on....Then if there is pain left you go into it and see when did my parent make me feel this way, what was that about...Oh I wasn't trusted, validated, my needs were ignored..Then you give yourself that. You pretend you are your own parent and you say things you needed to hear. Things they would say if they are healthy human beings. Things like I love to hear your opinion, you are so clever. You are so precious to me and I love you. The pain will then go away as you addresses the core wound.And when it comes back you do it again. It will come up less often with time .. You can also tell your parents "that's your story" every time they claim something or accuse you of something, or make you feel less of....My truth is that I am amazing, precious, valuable....wise...My truth is that I'm enough, just as valuable as anyone else really. Why would I be less valuable than any other human being. There is no reason....I'm not perfect just like no one else is and I'm still enough....Im me and I love me. You can say it to them or inside your head... Sorry about the novel here.🤭😁 I go with my instincts and at times I do say something that means something to someone.😁❤️❤️❤️
I tend to overshare and tell my life story to strangers and i feel like I betray myself because I even tell all to the people who used to bully me. They act like nothing happened and ask me questions about my life and I just can't seem to control myself . Even my secrets and I don't know what to do about it. It's like I have zero self control. I hate myself so much. Even if I discipline myself for months it's like I let go on an impulse and just forget what I had resolved for so long. There's also this belief that I should be honest or the feeling like I'm a thief in an interrogation table like I'm doing something wrong/ hiding something if I don't share my secrets or lie
Women need to be OK with negative reactions to boundaries. Culture works against you, sisters, and you will be called a "B" or a "C". You would think that it would be men that would do that most, but it is other women who will snap back at you. So be prepared to be disliked or worse. The reward? Your self-esteem and your mental health. Go out and live your life.
Being too nice doesn't actually win that person much in terms of relationships or gain of any kind. People come to expect slavery from you if you act like a slave. Don't do it. Learn to say no I'm busy with my own things.
I, as the youngest sister of three girls, finally broke out of my family disfunction, of my sisters bullying me, intimidating me, and never listening to ME but criticizing me, leaving me insecure. When I finally spoke up for myself, and had different beliefs and goals and lifestyle as them, they turned on me and backed off far away, and I am glad, because I felt angry, I held so much in. I felt and still do feel very empowered in my own self and life, but still feel angry at the disrespect how I was treated, and there is so much I want to say directly to them, but now don't have the opportunity to do so, we remain uncommunicative with no relationship.
Add that many women end up raped and/or dead because they didn't want to be viewed as a "mean" or " rude" to a male who (ex. coworker, first date, acquaintance, beginning of dating phase) crossed a boundary and/or behaved inappropriately on a date or in the beginning of a relationship. Or excuses were made to dismiss the inappropriate behavior/red flags. The reward from saying no IMMEDIATELY to bad behavior in a way that keeps me safe, is living another day to tell about it.
@@rosej5029 Yes, sad but true. Girls and women in my day, grew up as if males had priority and that they should be good, as in good father figures, but it was so wrong. Girls need to learn while they are young to own their own power and make it count in every aspect of their lives.
Stop trying to make everything about just women. People like yourself influence culture just as much and your post is just as saturated with what you're talking about.
My parents absolutely required me to have no boundaries. Then, the world turned out to be a dangerous place where I served everyone and owed everything.
Yep, being a girl being expected by parents simply to obey, no instruction as to who to obey, so it was obey anyone, be vulnerable. So I married two people who I tried to reject, but they nagged and nagged me, stalked me until I said yes. Then they expected me to do all the work and pay for everything.
Hi Rose, Good for you that you're learning about boundaries! Sorry to hear you suffered greatly. I'm 58 and had a rough time being recognized as an individual in my family and I learned to be a people pleaser to be acceptable. But that's all over now. I'm learning about boundaries too!
I was always the best lil waitress all my life too. My self identity in my husband, daughter. Then faced my own childhood truths in my senior yrs. How'd, Still on the right side of the dirt and, showing up as well .
Narcissists hate to be told no. When you say no to them, their behavior toward you will quickly change. Boundaries will reveal the "red flags" in someone, who is out to hurt you 😉. Don't ignore warning signs!! 🤗
Exactly.If you say no to narcissists because you want to keep your boundaries clear ,they are gonna resent you and they will act differently from the way they used to act (ex.the constant sweet talk andlovebombing)such as suddenly starting to use silence treatment to punish you.All because you are not under their control any more.
When I told my lovey dovey boyfriend that he couldn't drive my car, he turned into a different person - angry, critical, name calling, shouting, sneering. At least,this time, I finally , at 67, I knew what this was and ended the relationship. When I told him to remove his things from my house and go away, he did get physical but at least I got him out of my life. In the past I would have tried to placate him.
If someone would hear your thoughts, how would you create healthy boundaries? I'm asking because it is possible, but aren't many people on Earth who have this skill.
@@WhiteAngelLovesEarth Hm that could be the subject of a very long and introspective book BUT my short answer would be by learning to incorporate our shadow side, so we don’t keep seeking it out subconsciously in someone else (which is what both immature empaths and narcissists do). Boundaries can only be created by a person who knows what their moral code is. And that having a moral code means there will be consequences for other people who violate that code which could be anything from an attempt to discuss and negotiate to fully walking away. Most “normals” just do this naturally. Empaths very much have to learn how to stop giving our power away to people who will uncaringly take advantage of us. And learn that this is healthy, not only for ourselves but to stop co-creating or enabling narcissism.
I hear that - I'm still working at it and probably will always be an on-going work in progress. In spite of 12 yrs in Codepedence Anonymous, numerous yrs in and out of group counseling and one on one. What amazes me the most is that out of all those years, not one of my counselors told me that my mother was a narcissist person and that they have to have a Scapegoat to blame for all the mistakes they made that they refused to take responsibility for. Even as a grown adult if I failed to live up to the expectations of my siblings, they wouldn't just keep it between us, they would call up my mother and my older sister. My oldest sister and her husband were still doing this when I was in my 50's and she was in her 60's. If my mother was still alive, they'd still be doing it for the slightest thing they didn't approve of!
Poor boundaries are what got all of us into narcissist relationships that lead to so much more abuse!!! I think setting boundaries is the key to staving off narcs and making them walk away knowing they can’t manipulate us!!! Light 💡 came on here! Thanks doc! Hugs 🤗
Yes, I agree. Having been conditioned by a narcissist mother, I went to the world to serve in order to get away. And oh, I had to serve - women like that are eaten up until there is nothing left. But now I know better.
An old bf from 30 yrs ago contacted me. Immediately started acting like we were a couple. I was very clear with him I did not want a relationship and put him in text-only ( same as my nar.mother). Last week he complained that I never initiate texts. Tried to guilt me into it with “am I a bad person?” I ignored the guilt and told him the person that wants something always texts first. And that I want nothing from him. It felt good to set a boundary!
After being brought up by a bullying father and an emotionally absent mother my boundary setting skills were non existent. Sadly my life has reflected this in all the ways described here. Since the death of my husband, instead of learning to set boundaries, I’ve simply abandoned people when I’ve felt them starting to take advantage, leaving many of them confused and upset. I so wish I’d learned it was ok to set boundaries 50 years ago.
I remember there was a strong insistence on children "not answering back" to their parents in the 60s. What I understood from that, was "Don't assert yourself" and I still feel paralysed in situations where I should assert myself, but don't. There was "physical punishment" within the family I was born into against expressing feelings or being assertive. I wonder how many families in the 1960s and 70s were similar? Physical chastisement wasn't counted as abuse then. It was still used in schools in the 60s so it was endorsed "officially".
@@AuntyEsther You are absolutely correct. It’s taken a three year strange relationship with a covert/vulnerable narcissist to trigger my self analysis as to why my life has taken the path it has. I remember being physically punished by my father at about 3\4 when I copied something he’d said which included a swear word. Most of what I remember about my childhood involved sobbing or being scared. It seems that ‘breaking my spirit’ was the goal. After the latest situation I began watching videos about narcissism and realised why I allow people to walk all over me. I know that three of my four relationships, all totally different, have been with narcissists and I’m now starting, reluctantly to wonder if the other one was too. It’s a vast subject and I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand it. I’m certainly safer on my own now. Thank you for your kind, understanding response.
@@curiousnetty534 - I’m on my recovery journey as well. Have to remind myself it’s not a straight line & to forgive myself for the late start. Better late than never! It’s due to my parents. I’m trying to forgive as I know they did their best & didn’t know better with their own pasts, demons, & limitations (not to mention the racism they faced as PoC immigrants). My mom is a covert narcissist, too. TBH, I think a huge number of us are recovering, since narcissistic abuse seems to come along with authoritarian parenting (I’m not an expert, btw, just my $0.02/observation). I recently cut off contact w/ my mom, even though she needs help & I love her; felt I had to to protect myself. I found it impossible to ‘fix the plane while flying it’. Everything in this video I’ve experienced - and done, too. Despite my efforts I was becoming like her - we learn from our parents after all. Godspeed to us all who are doing this work on ourselves to heal & break these cycles. 🙏🏽 💕
@@maritesshoy317 you must have been through hell. It must have been a tough decision to cut yourself off from your mom but, though their generation suffered unimaginable hardships our parents made their own decisions. For example my brother caused all sorts of problems but didn’t suffer the the abuse that I did. I feel sad that it’s taken me to reach my sixties to start working it out but like you say better late than never. Much love and strength from England.
I studied boundaries and my own behavior. I changed the way I relate to others and lost friends who were resentful of my changes. But my life has space and peace now. I’m just waiting for healthy friendships to develop. I enjoy my life more now and it’s easy for me to say no.
Where did you learn what sort of boundaries to set? Are there certain ones recommended, or do you figure it out on your own, regarding what's best for you. Also, do you ever feel like you're being a bit of a jerk when setting boundaries, or not, please? I sometimes feel like people are being jerks when they do that, that they're going overboard with it.
@@ALinn-vr3nl I journaled 25 ways to say no that I got from Teri Cole. And I started watching a lot of psychology videos on RUclips. Yes. I felt like a jerk at first but it got easier. Now if I feel resentful, I know it’s because I need to set a boundary.
@@happydogg312 If they do try and make you feel guilty, and chances are some certainly will, that is a good indicator that those boundaries are needed! Take note of who reacts badly and how they do so - you may find you have to distance yourself from them altogether. Be confident in prioritizing your mental health
57 and just uncovered why I'm such a mess! Why are we so committed to being Nice? I'm seeing that it's an over-compensation for my parents being such Bound-Up, Self-Centered, selfish...I Desperately NEED to NEVER be seen as ANYTHING LIKE MY FREAKY PARENTS!! WHat do I do with That??
@@paysonadams4597 heal yourself one day at a time, that's how. Take care of you as if you really love yourself: say nice things to you, eat the best that you can, have compassion for you, and so on... When the first things come natural to you, you'll know what to do next 😉 and you are not alone at all.
I Am 70 yrs old and have not set boundaries well a of yet. But will now try it! It already wreaked my health an ued trouble. But I do have ome more life in me * I think* and so will marh and and not keep trying to pleae vryone. It maybe is time to take tiime out for myeelf to really stop worrying about othrs and stop feeling when someone wants or expects thigns of me, that i msut do it or they will leave and never ome bback. I may be "shunned" I msut gt over that feeling and orry. Losing love scres me. ( but not sure why thou,gh as do not know that it has happened? Except I gabve many many year to my partns and did all I cold but when they pase away they ignord me. I doo not knwo if they meant it as peeoel die in variosu ways, but I felt like they just was "done with me?" Did not need mae anymoe for anything. I hope i was wrong. I was only on who styed thr for them.
@@carolweaver3269 just say no. It’s fun. Just say you are over terribly extended and couldn’t possibly take on more. Do it for yourself before you die. I think the problem somewhat stems from being born in the late 40’s or 50’s. Expectation of girls was so traditional. As a child I saw there was not much value or respect for homemaking and child bearing. Men did value added work - women did the mundane maintenance of men’s lives. We were trained young to be people pleasers. You forget to please yourself. I wonder how many hours I spent doing for others, contributing to their success, taking their burden, helping them achieve their goals… more then I want to recall. Doing the “right thing” for ungrateful people sucks the life right out of you. You have to save some life and fun for yourself. People will get used to your new attitude…
@@katie195 Thank you Katie. It is so true what you have said " it sucks the lie out of you" that is very correct. We ar expected * fron that generation* tht doing for others and being kind is just expectd. We go on with it and feeel it is just fine * It is to some degree* we are to just be ther for anyone who needs us. A minister once said to me " Remember, you are not a rug" We do not want to be " walked on" But I continued on thinking it was right and 'love 'was 'that.' Life goes on and putting ourselves on teh back burner, or turning back from getting things done for others and we got left behind often. We have time yet, So with that we can, enjoy our lives we have! Am sorry you went through similar, as it has not been right for us in the end, but we did not realize it. ( You are right about just saying " I am terribly extended and just could not take on any more!" Will try it and then it should get easier with time.. Thank you so much and am glad you have done this now ! It is also true that we, growing up in the 'late 40's or 50's' *with me it was 50's* we felt expected to do this, but now times have changed greatly.. Bless you for posting in answer to mine!
I used to think victims were the only ones with boundary issues. Actually it's lack of healthy boundaries in the abuser that gives them the audacity to abuse. The two go hand in hand. Thank you so much for this wisdom.
I’m a people pleaser. I’ve gotten myself in this space of completely exhausting myself and lost my self. I’ve been working really hard on educating myself. Thank you for helping us. Everyday I ask myself is this a boundary.
Did you have abusive parents and/or family members? It started some time ago, when your ego and sense of self(worth) were so badly trampled. You'll trip up now and then but just keep training yourself to look after you. You're worth it!
One thing that REALLY helped me is... I don't invest more in others than they are willing to invest in themselves and me. Meaning I call you as much as you call me, unless I have an affinity for you and just want to chat. My family relationships are smoother now and I have no more complexities. I come from a family of narcissists and generational trauma. You can do this :)
As a newlywed I was so confused. My husband & his family walked all over me @ every turn. For example, my mother-in-law would call my husband @ 9:00 pm & invite us to dinner for the next night. My husband would say "what should Jan bring?" & my MIL would name an elaborate dish for me to make. I worked full time, we lived over an hour away & we invariably we did not have the ingredients to make the requested dish. I was confused, I was constantly dumped on, I was "baited" & I invariably was the one that looked a bit unhinged when I would react to their unrealitist pressure & demands. I was in uncharted territory & I didn't know how to navigate those unreasonable people. I went to several different counselors but they were of NO help. (There are a lot of really BAD counselors out there.) A girlfriend even advised me to set my alarm for some un-Godly hour to make whatever the requested potluck dish was for that week. They were incredibly disfunction "takers" & I am thankful that I finally extracted myself from that life.
Good grief. Well I'm glad you found the courage, wisdom and help to get out of that. And from the way you are articulating it, support in untangling all that from your heart and head. Wishing you greater joy in the days to come. ❤️
Yes, there are really terrible councillors - physicians, attorneys - out there. I'm beginning to realize - that those "professionals" must have gotten their degree - then COASTED!! And just collected their fees!! It has taken me quite awhile to realize this. Hence - we must be even more proactive than we thought we should be.
My daughter, a second grade teacher, is teaching me to set boundaries. She's a very good coach! She not only helps me with what to say...she holds me accountable and asks me if I've done it yet. It's so nice to have someone not only help me but to follow up on my progress. I can say that being a people pleaser and having terrible boundaries is exhausting and has made me not want any friends and to live my life out in isolation. It truly is a sickly way to live. Thank you Jes for being such a wonderful daughter! 🌻❤️💕
@@kristinavizareli2411 I absolutely see your point. Being an adult who helps my parent, I question how healthy is that for me. So I am very vigilant how much I help and when too pull back
I will ad, that as a child of sexual and physical abuse, and being an extreme empath, I definitely think this contributed to my lack of boundaries. Child abuse causes so many dysfunctional behaviors that alter lives and self esteem. Thank you for this video! ❤
I was never allow to set boundaries when I was growing up. When I was a kid, as a teenager, and in my 20's. I'm in my 40's now learning about boundaries, narcissism, gaslighting, manipulation, etc. I grew up with 6 narcissists. All almost drained me. I barely made it out. Now I'm nowhere near them. I have peace from them. Now all I need is the healing.
" One of the reasons ppl overshare is that they might feel dominated or overwhelmed by a situation, and they are anxious to establish an attachment or a connection. They want to give, give, give. " Thanks
... or just "be understood better" with persons who never understand these kind of topics anyway :) I did, and it just got worse, still do get worse with some who cant understand anything more than "mathematics", or some just doing trespassing for their own fun-games. So I hope it gets better with not so much blaming oneself, just more discernment when to give or not, and balanced boundaries in time.
See BELOW ‘Your Majesty 143’ for more detailed list 1. Can’t make a decision 2. People pleasing 3. Priorities excessively geared towards others leading to exhaustion 4. Endless guilt about small things 5. Loss of sense of self - absorbing others’ lives/identities or become their jobs 6. Oversharing 7. Resentment for allowing oneself to ___________________ 8. Passive - aggression 9. Overextend oneself - fear of rejection/abandonment ***Violating others’ boundaries
It's a lot of hard work....I come from a family of no boundaries, no support, family trapped in trauma, no awareness, think actual healing is weird and not obtainable... sad and unfortunate.
Everything you mentioned helped me realize I have literally no boundaries as a people pleaser And the moment I find someone who takes interest in me I overshare
How to set boundaries: "Please don't talk to me like that, I don't like it" "I don't deal with negativity" "Do you think it's okay to behave like this?" "I didn't appreciate what you did" Walking away when things get heated/ going to the bathroom until the other person cools down.
Also this is a boundary for yourself don't share your insecurities with people not even your bf but instead work on them. That way no one can use it against you
Ultimately, it's better to RESPOND instead of reacting. Properly feel your emotions, understand them, think of all solutions & consequences, and respond in manner that protects your happiness (that you are absolutely entitled to) in a courteous way.
> "Do you think it's okay to behave like this?" I wouldn't use this phrase in my life. Imagining myself on the receiving end, what can I say? - I answer yes, even though you ask the question because you're clearly not okay with the behavior. Then I'm in effect saying "I'm okay shitting all over your needs". - I answer no, essentially saying "I'm okay doing things that are not okay, which will eventually shit all over your needs". If I don't want to shit all over your needs, and I want to convey this fact, how do I answer? I also think there's an element of dishonesty to using that phrase. What I really want is talk about my individual needs, feelings, boundaries, etc.; whether a behavior is okay in the abstract or in general is a different topic. The dishonesty is pretending that I want to talk (and are talking) about the latter when I'm really focused on the former. I think a closely related phrase that avoids most of the problems is "I'm not okay with that behavior". It makes it about my boundaries rather than generic okay-ness of behavior in the abstract. It tells rather than asks, implicitly saying "I don't expect you to already know this", which allows the other person to save face by going "Oh! [Let's talk about how to do things going forward]". In general, you-statements come across as if I want to dig up dirt on the other person so that I can attack them and take them apart. I-statements do not. "I'm not okay with that behavior" is an I-statement.
I've been a caretaker my whole entire life. I've had 7 burnouts and nervous breakdowns because I was too busy taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I'm now working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I cannot take care of anyone else anymore because of my own medical conditions, disabilities and limitations. I'm learning to set boundaries and also learning to say no.
Every time I say something that my mom finds uncomfortable to hear, even if it's the truth about her hurting me and then victim blaming me, she goes: "wow, stop, you are overstepping my boundary," in a very angry voice. Healthy boundaries are important, but abusing the boundary setting to silencing someone when the conversation gets uncomfortable, is the other end of the spectrum.
One aunt and her husband would immediately change topic & act very busy..simply not listen, or show no interest when I tried to talk about a real matter. But if she and her husband wanted to talk about any issue they wished...they did so elaborately, imposingly!! And expected me to listen to especially long & most repetitive, uninteresting accounts of their children & grandchildren everytime we met!! They never kept anything confidential and gossiped with relatives about other relatives and about their own grown children & their wives.. and about other cousins ...I avoided them completely, more after I learnt they remained shameless backbiters.
I had an almost friend say that exact phrase out of the blue. Watching and learning from Dr. R and others and just as importantly their commentits has helped me in nipping that in the bud. I feel for you with it being your mother but i have learned to make boundaries with my mother also.
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 my dad is the exact same way which led me to not talk to him as much and set boundaries. When I talk about a real talk or a issue I have he would tell me to be quiet he doesn’t want to hear it and so forth but when he have problems and issues he have no problem talking my ear off or calling me
Remember that people's reactions, emotions and feelings are their own. You are not responsible for how they choose to react. You can work with them if they communicate they would like something to change but you shouldn't automatically take responsibility for how they react. You should take responsibility only for your actions.
Love the topic of interpersonal boundaries. My only real mantra on them, as a former therapist, is simple: DO a boundary, don't discuss it (with the person invading yours.)
How can someone know their is a boundary if it is not spoken aloud? Their are normal boundaries like the 10 commandments to live by and then there are boundaries set by an individual by their own accord. That's 101 understanding your boundary, placing it and speaking it. I may be fine with my man giving a hello or goodbye kiss to one of my close friends. Another woman may consider that full blown cheating. It's perspective of the individual and they should voice it. Once it is in the open and violation happens..action needs to be taken words or 👢🚪 Speaking boundaries literally teaches others how to love you..or not.
Referring to number 1 (people pleasing), and number 9 (fear of rejection). I knew somebody who was over-friendly and clingy when meeting new people. She was deprived of suitable parental relationships as a child. She wanted others to 're-parent' her, and would do things such as giving inappropriate gifts to those she hardly knew. This was a method of getting others to like her, because she did not believe they would like her just for herself.
In setting boundaries sometimes I worry about someone's reaction. I've learned that if they have a reaction and stick to it, that's their crap and has nothing to do with me. I was stonewalled and cold shouldered at work for weeks after I set a boundary with a friend. We aren't friends anymore. I saw it coming. They like to blame, be the victim and martyr in all situations. The woe is me mentality 24/7. I was ready for my turn when it happened. After I set my boundary, I saw this person get off on their own passive aggressive behavior and it continues. It's a way of staying in victim mode and feeling sorry for themselves yet feeling so entitled and justified. It's like a way they get power that they have nowhere else in their lives. Super toxic and sad.
The exact same thing happened to me with a friend!! Over a year of friendship i had never disagreed or gone against something she said and i wasnt sure why. I concluded with my therapist that its my people pleasing tendencies, and that i should allow myself to disagree next time i saw her, because real friends would still treat you the same and respectfully allow you that space. Well, it went completely sideways and ended up in a fight that made me realize this person is just really always going to see themselves as a victim and it doesnt matter how or what i say to try to get them to see my perspective.
Just missed a promotion at work because of this! I was on my way there, talks with the manager and he confirmed excellent performance on my part, support and necessity for business! Until the final decision, had to had a face to face conversation with a colleague, clearly stating that I do not accept her disrespectful behaviour, always pushing, interfering with my work..etc. I was calm, direct and professional…well at the next conversation about promotions …” I only did the minimum” 🙈🙈🙈
I spotted something, a theme, in your comment, it seems that you're making it all about them, the person on the other side of the boundary. A boundary is about you, not about the other person. Overly focusing on how the other person reacts is still a type of people-pleasing, and still, kind of, a sign of poor boundaries. You're thinking about how THEY feel, and how THEY react, and who THEY are, it's not about you anymore, it's about them. You've crossed over your boundary and gone into their camp. When you set a boundary for yourself, your only concern should be how you feel.
@@ebbyc1817 you're absolutely right! I'm working on it. I saw myself last week getting so frustrated with their behavior and stuck on it. I thought, maybe my boundaries are not the best. Recovering from people pleasing and setting boundaries has been hard for me. Those reactions from people I set boundaries with can be painful.
@Mypinkbike EXACTLY ! you just made me think of Amber Heard: perverse narsiccist. .BUT there were no boundaries, so it gave the toxic person an opportunity to display all his/her full Toxicity.
Silence is my best friend. I never regret for being silent. There are not many things that people would need to know about me. Unfortunately, I still abandon my best friend too often and share too much. Anyway, I am getting better. ”Silence is my best friend” is my mantra and I have often succeeded to keep my mouth shut - and I never regret it.
Even if you are a people pleaser you don’t seem nice. They just find you easy to deal with and throw their anger at you. Being nice does not guarantee you’re safe from people’s dark side .
I tend to walk away from relationships when why my boundaries get violated became I don't know how to confront people. It's an improvement over people violating my boundaries 🥺
Yes, I’ve had to walk away from relationships too-mostly family members. I agree it is the best we can do when we are not able to confront in a healthy manner. For me, it has given me time (5-10 years) to break the habit of trying to please others and put that focus and care on myself. Thank you for your comment!❤
I now am getting into the habit of asking myself "is this for my highest good" or "is this loving to myself and my needs" to get out of people pleasing.
Excellent as always. This should be taught in high school. I think we are all guilty of these mistakes. Boundaries is the biggest life skill we can ever have. Setting boundaries for me has been a lifelong process.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you said, I would like to add that learning to not only listen to what others say about themselves and listening, really watching and paying attention to all of it. Also not trying to be so agreeable that it’s costly to you (being a people pleaser). It’s a bad habit and must be changed if you find yourself exhausted!
it can't be suddenly taught at high school if when one is one, one is in a dysfunctional family, when you get out of high school it does not mean that your boundary is learned once and for all...you would have different situations at different ages..all require re-learning your boundaries....
It’s never too late to be a better person. Every day is the first day of the rest of your healthiest life! I’m 63 and am grateful for the opportunities that have come from fighting for what’s right and good. My Mom was being sucked into a deadly vortex of abuse from my brother and his wife because she was abusive to us kids when we were young. But my Dad was very abusive to HER as was her father to her. So when my brother found out my sisters and I had convinced my Mom to have one of us as her Power of Attorney/Health directive advisor he and HIS wife sued my sisters and me. Then had to change the lawsuit to just her (Canadian law). 7 1/5 years later a judge stopped the litigation bloodbath by forcing him to accept a cash settlement to stop suing. He lost contact with our mother, my kids, and his wife’s family just used him for their own personal gains. The judge acknowledged our plight and gave us all a reward for big protective of my Mom despite her abuses. Life can change course in a very short time.
I was shamed into not having boundaries(by the person who I needed to have them with). I was blamed for having boundaries at all. Dad(narcissist) didn't respect any boundaries, and hardly does now.
22:34 "...WHY a person is depressed is that they're *not getting enough behavioral reinforcement from the environment*." Exactly my thoughts for the last 3 years or more. I'm clawing myself out of depression and trauma basically alone, faking it until (hopefully) I make it, since apparently the best thing that my close, loved ones know how to do is... to leave me alone. So how does one learn to rely on others, when others cannot be relied upon? [insert doubtful emoji] I can't make new friends anymore, I keep all new acquaintances at bay. Woohoo!
Indeed. How can you rely on others, when they are not there for you when you need them the most. I allways tried to be for the loved ones when they need something. Even for basically strangers. But not vice versa. Now i avoid mostly people, because it is a one way street. I allways have to rely on me. To be the strongest one. How can you climb out of a depression or physical problem when you allways are alone with everything. It reminds me of some dogs who are in terrible shape and a human helps the dog back to health, feed them, nurture them back to health. This dog would of not made it without human help. Are we that different when we are really in bad shape?
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 I sympathize. Yeah, we do feel very helpless. Unfortunately there's also wisdom in leaving us "alone". It's because we feel helpless that it's important to give us the space for us to recover our sense of agency. Of course physical ailments should be assisted appropriately, but for the mental side we can't be helped in spite of ourselves. We can't be made to see the light. Here's a quote that helped me through my loneliness until I could pick myself up: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."-Douglas Coupland
@@leamubiu The last sentence is very true in color. You know...i love dogs. I also discovered that dogs 'know' how to stay beside you and how to comfort you every day. When sick also. You also can be yourself when being in company of a dog when depressed or overwelmed, anxious or just sad. They seem to understand nature and have the ability to the greatest compassion and empathy. They are sensitive. I am for the dog in all circumstances too. They deserve my loyalty, compassion, care, love, empathy and everything in between. I feel so connected with dogs, that i sometimes have the idea, that i am more a dog then a human. They are my true family. Bless you lady.
I realized that I was avoiding setting boundaries in my romantic relationships because I didn't want to be abandoned. And I couldn't stop it even though I knew that it was unhealthy and happening. I couldn't be who I really was. So frustrating.
After my marriage ended I adopted a motto: I will NOT parent adults! Another phrase I find helpful that my mother asked me once when I felt so awful and could not forgive myself for the error of marrying this person who did not care about me in the least: 'Why do you think you are responsible for someone else's behaviour?' Well, of course none of us are responsible for someone else's actions, attitudes etc. I think that very basic level of boundaries is something we often forget and overlook. It's almost so obvious that we don't realise that we can get pulled into someone else's issues (and be badly hurt by them) and we keep trying to figure out what we did wrong that enabled someone else to slip into our lives and cause so much damage. If we are basically balanced people, it is always important to examine our own blind spots or areas where we need to support ourselves and build and strengthen our skillfulness. However, this can cross over into self-blame very easily, probably because that is the one thing we can change and control. We have all been hurt in so many ways and I hope someone might also find that question as freeing as I did. I read something recently that suggested we write down a list of all the good things about ourselves. It's something we very often forget but I found it very helpful in supporting myself emotionally.
Wish I had been in-the-know about this when I was a ‘ spring chicken ‘ of 47. But I feel so grateful I’ve been able to take care of myself- my health- everything~ and so, able to have a good number of good years!! Detached from Narcissus in 2004- but the crappy fallout still was rearing its ugly head for a few years after that. I hope you all will get those toxic people out out out!!!!!💐🌷🌹🌺🌸🌻
50 here, feel as though my understanding of healthy interpersonal dynamics was entirely missed out of my social / relational development. Finding my feet a little with it now but it's still quite anxiety-inducing holding my ground and not folding at the first sign of conflict. To be honest when it works out it feels sooo empowering though!
48 and now that I've figured out how to set boundaries, I'm finally beginning to enjoy my life. My mother has never figured it out, and I followed her example for the longest time. But now my kids have a better example and I hope it changes the dynamics of our family line.
My parents have poor boundaries with their children, but they're very convinced that it's the right way to have a family relationship. I'm realizing that, even though I feel smothered by the them, my mom's own insecurities and the way she raised me makes me feel like I'm supposed to have poor boundaries in my dating life. I often feel very guilty rejecting guys I don't like and pressured to people-please and ignore red flags, while at the same time it makes me feel very angry and resentful.
"...often feel very guilty rejecting guys I don't like..." This is why I had to give up dating. I felt so sorry and guilty when I didn't feel the same way about a man who liked me. I was fine if they didn't like me!
But now you know better. So quit blaming your mom and do what you know is good and right for you. If someone abuses you in a relationship, it would be because YOU opened a certain door that facilitated that, not your mom. Because you now can CLEARLY see that you and your mom don't think alike. So no more excuses. And you can go back to your parents and teach them how to treat you (now within the boundaries you've set).
After decades of doing for others over and over, it's absolutely liberating to not be a people pleaser anymore. I'm not full of fear anymore as to whether people like me or not. When I say no to someone and I never hear from them again, I don't feel rejected as I used to. I'm actually relieved that I thwarted yet another user and taker
I use to have poor boundaries but since I worked on it I’m more at peace with the people around as well. I don’t overextend myself and make it clear when I need a break, especially as someone with chronic illness. I use to feel bad about leaving events early or having to cancel but I have to take care of my health first💯💖
1. Indecisive 2. people pleasing 3. Neglecting self 4. Feeling obligated to take on more responsibility 5. Loose sense of self 6. Over sharing 7. Feeling burn out (resentment and or frustration) 8. Passive aggressive 9. Afraid of rejection/abandonment Jesus heals people! Cheers to growth and healing!
This is difficult to hear and so good because I’m guilty of it from a traumatic childhood of abandonment and neglect. I don’t even know what boundaries are sometimes. I’m much better at saying no, but never understood I over extended myself because I thought I had to “earn love” just like in childhood. Thank you for this!
I 100% understand this. I am the same way, except i often have a hard time saying "No." I dont like to feel like i'm letting someone down". Thank you, I appreciate you for writing this comment. Without reading your words, Its hard for me to identify or relate so I struggle putting words with MY feelings.
@Tracie Kling I wanted to make sure I replied so you would know this did not happen for me overnight. It took years!! My first message is gone. It helps me hear other people put words to their feelings as well dealing with CPTSD. So I understand. It took me standing up to my grandma after 10 years of being her care giver and her writing me off because I stood up for myself. She passed and we weren’t speaking, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to manipulate me and push me around anymore and was done. That over sharing thing in the video? 🙋♀️😂 I have attracted narcissistic and selfish people my whole life bc I was raised by them. It took an event realizing I was so exhausted surrounded by so many selfish people, I was angry and I was done! Like I said I still deal with it, but it’s a lot easier. I wish I would have learned this skill earlier. I would drive away from my grandmas in tears and physically sick to my stomach and was so angry with myself that I could not stand up to her. Now I know she was a full blown narcissist, so it all makes sense. All of the relationships I was “people pleasing” in, out of fear of not being “the good girl” ended anyway so I was exhausting myself for absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t have been able to word it this way then. Hope that helps! 🤍😊
My life is an example of previously having no boundaries; now after years of trauma am learning how to make good decisions and getting rid of co-dependency. Thank you Dr for clarifying how toxic people pleasing is! I am learning self-respect and am finally getting a self-esteem..
I just tried to set boundaries. I’m starting to feel like I’ve been a supply. I’m trying to heal in silence. I said I’d talk when I’m ready. The constant calls and messages is shocking. And when I’m happy they try to bring me down. This is the first time I’ve set boundaries. It’s been an eye opener.
I really have all the 9 signs,I've realized today,I need to make a drastic change,my poor health is probably the outcome of my poor bounderies and the narcissistic abuse I've endured for 15 yrs. When you know better you do better, I'm so greatful to you doctor Ramani,how lucky your clients are,and we really appreciate you!
I chose to end a professional relationship today with a fellow musician who began harassing me and verbally abusing me in text messages and voicemail. I am so thankful for listening to so many of your highly informative and educational videos on dealing with toxic narcissistic individuals. I can't thank you enough for the work that you do on this channel every day, helping all of us to cope with the abuse and learn to create healthy boundaries in order to develop healthy relationships. I have also been involved in intimate relationships with men who have narcissistically abused me, so you have helped me in many different areas of my life... even dealing with family members. I am so grateful for you!!! Thanks so much!!! ❤️
I love your name....I too have been with women and even a marriage just taking advantage of me.....move on don't be a victim and keep being hopeful and dating I like women and pleasing them but alone lately but still hopeful THANKS for your comment
This message is beneficial for me. I’m 67 years old and learning how to set boundaries. I realize that many times throughout my life, I felt used and taken advantage of because I had no limits. I furthermore realized, for the most part, that the people I people pleased really had no respect for me.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Immature and insecure people only see this as problematic. When a man does it, he's strong, he's firm. When a woman does it she's a b-, she's hormonal (all from the eyes of that same immature insecure person I just mentioned). It's ok to be nice; it's not okay to be a yes-man. Thank you Dr for sharing your videos!! I love watching them in my downtime and utilizing this knowledge!
I forgot to mention that my doctor, a lovely and decent man, once told me that 'In our society we still push women into these roles of having to know everything, fix everything, take care of everything, be everything.' At that moment I was emotionally overwhelmed by the needs and demands/expectations of some family members. This, of course, affects men as well (my doctor may be a good example). I wonder, even if we generally have healthy boundaries, how to support ourselves through these times. My mother was very ill and others had legitimate needs but they were all demanding so much of me that I felt like a ball in the centre of a tug of war, where I would eventually be torn into a dozen pieces.
There are many people who've had their boundaries so ruthlessly violated, that they really don't understand how not to violate the boundaries of others. That is something, that if it were to be clearly illustrated, it could be very helpful to everyone involved.
Yes so much! Sometimes people feel like victims long after their original bad situation/childhood, and go on to victimize others--and feel re- traumatized when someone calls them on it
I loved people so much and loved what I was doing for them, at that time I didn't know that was people pleasing, because I did it from my heart. Now since I'm learning about narcissists, I hate being sociable and doing things for people, and I noticed they *punish* me when I say No. I absolutely loved people. But I also got bullied a lot. So now I don't love people anymore. I like being alone with myself.
I can totally relate, but I think it’s important to eventually be able to see some people as kind of ignorant to their own manipulation rather than as bad people, sitting around, twiddling fingers together, plotting how to use you and not give back. Human nature is selfish and while I don’t condone people like those I think we’ve all encountered, I think there is still room for loving (some of) them, helping them here and there, keeping your boundaries, pointing out their punishing behavior and manipulation, while also giving them grace and SPACE (if they truly don’t give a f how it is affecting you) to grow on their own journey and learn to become a better person as they gain insight. TLDR: don’t stop loving just because you won’t be their “female dog” anymore. We all have shitty qualities sometimes and it can take time to learn of them, accept that they are true, and actually train the change
@@siobhancondon705 nobody loves me, I live with my narcissistic father and treats me badly, not respecting my boundaries and with my sister who has a similar behavior like he does. He only respects her. My neighbors talk shit about me, some dudes with some rumors ruined my reputation. NOBODY loves me, I stay away form toxic people. I'm not socializing with anyone and spend my time alone.
I know exactly how you feel. Describes me to the t. Now I keep to myself and mind my own business. My happiness is the only thing I care about. And dogs. I love dogs 🐶
The whole issue of boundaries is a whole new world for me. I didn't know I needed them, wasn't taught how to set them. Didn't even know they were a thing. Thank you
I can relate so much when you mentioned “loss of self”, which happened when I became a mother back-to-back. I had 3 kids under age 4 and it was so exhausting. I’m doing better now since the oldest is 13 and I am no longer changing diapers several times a day. I have really healthy boundaries growing up but there is that season that I got so confused. I want to teach my children this so they know it’s only a season, not prison sentence. That they will have my support whenever possible. I also don’t want to overextend but I married someone who lack boundaries and he added to the stress. He tends to answer on my behalf like “go to mommy and mommy will give you bath” assuming that I am available. If I overhear him volunteering my service then I respond with, “Will you do it? I need to bounce back. Im taking 1-hour me-time”. Women need to ASK help, present your needs and to take breaks.
“Surviving Narcissism” is another great channel with Dr C for people who would like a male instructor on this subject. Be good to yourself empaths out there in this testing world.
Thus far, one of the biggest lessons in therapy for me was when I first learned how entangled I am in my mother's emotions. The idea of not living to please her and to live for my own reasons shattered my world. I had no realization whatsoever that I had basically been living to please her and others. My self-described emotional "martyrdom" had always been a strength in my eyes, but I realized it has completely crippled me. This same idea was also tied to my religious views and only now can I see just how unhealthy it was for me. Thank you for explaining this, I am only just learning about setting boundaries and I can only hope it will lighten the crazy burden of guilt I have!
When I had a falling out with my abusive sister, people kept asking me what I wanted to do for our weekly get-togethers that we had with other friends. And it took me a few days of answering by listing what everyone else wanted in the friend group, getting to the end of the list, and realizing I never mentioned what I wanted, for me to realize, I had *no idea* how to even know what I wanted. And so I get super mad at my sibling when she demands that I go back to who I was. Because to me it means she wants me to go back to being a boundary-less puppet. It's creepy.
I just had this realization and had to cut my mom off because of both of this and her lack of boundaries! I realized so much of what I had done in my life was to please her even when she wasn't there. I need to find out who I am and live my life in a way that makes sense for me. We are not our parents!
I watched this dynamic between my parents, where my mom bulldozed my dad constantly and would just escalate disagreements until dad just gave up and let her have her way to end the argument. So he became very passive aggressive, I think because he didn't see other options. Eventually I was able to unlearn all that but it still pains me to see them interact this way.
They are adults and make their own choices. Your father is allowed to leave that woman, but it's his own choice and you should never ever beat yourself up for the poor decisions of your parents. Let go of their problems and live your own life.
This is similar to my parents relationship. My fathers passive comments & behaviors became so subtle that as a teen I didn’t recognize it. I also didn’t realize until my mid 40’s that my mother is the narcissist in their marriage and in my family of origin.
Exact same situation I've been in with my narc wife. Became resentful and very angry at the disregard for my needs. I'm now making an escape plan to free myself from this insanity.
I love Dr Ramanis videos. She has a resonating presence. Her whole being is beautiful. So down to earth, no frills , but non offensive. She explains everything so comprehensively. ( A real word?) Helps people to understand better certain disorders that our relatives ,friends, or we ourselves live with and how to deal with them. Very helpful advice.
This video is very organized and informative on a very important topic. I genuinely wish my child or teen-self heard this. If there was one thing I would add, I would also say people with blurred boundaries tend to put the blame on others for whatever emotion they are feeling. An example would be "Wow, you sure know how to make a man angry." (In the end, you ultimately decide to you react to whatever. No one makes you do anything but you.) I hope a lot of people are able to reach this video. Knowing this really will help with preventing yourself from entering future toxic relationships, and also help identify bad habits to work on when trying to make boundaries for mutual and healthy relationships. What we consider "toxic" can be considered normal to someone else. Thank you Dr. Ramani & MedCircle. Best hopes that everyone benefits from this video to live safer, healthier, and most importantly, happier.
Did you listen to this? Most of the problems with lack of boundaries are about not protecting yourself or feeling that you are deserving. Not all people with blurred boundaries are passive aggressive - although some are. The final group of people were people who don't respect other people's boundaries. To suggest that all people who lack boundaries are inappropriate or abusive is just wrong.
The information given by you is crucial for people who experience narcissistic abuse. No one deserves to continue the cycle of abusive tactics that are employed. The manipulation is exhausting. Exhausting. Did I mention that it's exhausting? I don't remember because I am sleep deprived and exhausted from handling all the bs dealing with the narcissist in my life. Literally and figuratively. Life is not a game, and I am sick of the games. Especially when the rules shift to suit whims. No one has the ability to soothe them when they feel anything uncomfortable. Ugh...
Good points. Listening to this share online at RUclips and doing so more than once has truly made me aware of how my oversharing is risky business. I have been fortunate to have received good and safe counsel, and so, I might bring up my tendency to overshare at the next meeting with the counselor. Otherwise, I am so grateful for MedCircle and Dr. Ramani and what they share online! 👍
Sometimes I don’t know the difference between people pleasing and my actual willingness to help out. Like sometimes someone asks me for something and it’s actually no problem for me to do it. In such moments I don’t know if I do it because I want to help or because of people pleasing.
If you are willing to help someone when they don't offer to return favours, and if you know that you will keep helping them every time they ask even though you also know they won't do the smallest thing back for you, that's people pleasing.
Dr Ramani, thank you for this video and that you also mentioned "poor boundaries isn't just a person having poor boundaries for themselves but can also be a person violating other people's boundaries". I think this is so important to mention when discussing poor boundaries. As often we are so focused on our own boundaries that we don't put much thought into how we may be violating another persons boundaries.
2 года назад+27
I had poor boundaries at my last job, it really bit me in the ass when I was having to train one of my replacements (I was being let go) - not wanting to be mean, I fielded question after question even though it was apparent to everyone he was not really learning and using me as a crutch. He would cold call me on Teams almost as soon as I logged into work every morning - even at times when he shouldn't be working (due to a time difference). Having poor boundaries, I reluctantly gave out my personal number to him. He messaged me with seasons greetings 3 months after I left, on Christmas - I ignored him. Finally blocked his ass a few days after, woke up to a series of missed cold calls and screenshots of emails with whatever work problem he had (not even asking permission for help) - for the record it was for something I had definitely explained to him at least 3 different times in the 50+ hours of calls I had logged with him on Teams. Edit: the day before I left I had a teams call with him and this other guy who was also a replacement - they had originally asked for a 2 hour call (lol) which I explicitly declined because I was fed up and had a lot of shit to close out. What happened? I got another cold call that I foolishly accepted in my state of overwork and it was these two jokers basically wanting a rundown of everything they needed to do their jobs. And of course it ended up lasting the 2 hours anyways. They had waited until my last full working day to ask these questions. They had both been there for 6 months at this point. I made a thinly veiled joke that they'd have to start taking notes in meetings now - this fucker had the audacity to say "yeah, we can't just rely on you anymore" - which basically confirmed my suspicion that he wasn't even trying and literally relied on me to tell him everything. If I weren't waiting on a cheque I would have screamed at him.
I've not been very good at setting boundaries, including at work. When I had good managers it wasn't an issue. But my last manager was an obsessive perfectionist who micromanaged me. She saddled me with unrealistic amounts of work and wanted to discuss every task in detail no matter how unimportant. (I suspect she has OCPD). I failed to set boundaries with her for 2.5 years which led eventually to a mini breakdown because I couldn't take it anymore. When I started setting boundaries, she still tried to transgress them. I'd tell her I didn't have time for any more work, but she would still ask me again about doing it a week later - even though nothing had changed in my existing workload. I noticed that she also had no respect for other people's time - ie no respect for their boundaries. She'd schedule meetings at short notice late in the day without considering whether colleagues had plans or obligations in the afternoon/ evening. She forced other people she managed to stay late to perfect work or to wait for her comments. But I think she also lacked the ability to set boundaries with her superiors so it no doubt seemed normal for her to behave in this way with me. I think the truth is a lot of people don't know how to set boundaries and this is especially bad in workplaces where there are power differentials. But this experience has made me realise how important boundary setting is, and has given me the confidence to assert myself and set boundaries.
The ppl pleasing receiver is so on point. Sometimes you don't want to reject ppl who want to give you things and being there trying to help and giving all the time but that is having no boundaries too.
I think I have these too. I wasn't aware of it until my late 30s, when my life started to fall apart. During childhood, I was taught "don't be egoistic", "angry isn't good", "you have to be kind". It's heartbreaking that those 'values' betrayed me in later years. Now I'm afraid.
Some people "people please" because they like to help, not necessarily because they want to be seen as nice. They don't even notice they have become a people pleaser. I used to have the personality to help people not necessarily please people, but I was naive. I didn't ever care about looking like the "nice one." I genuinely had compassion and wanted to go into the community service industry, but after coming into contact with abusive work environments it changed my perspective on helping others. I don't help anyone.
I don't think you necessarily have.if you'd behaved in the same way with most decent people they wouldn't have the same reaction. It's impossible to expect the way they behave as its so far away from how most people think. It's not normal to deliberately manipulate and mess with someone's mind.
Narcissists will see a weak spot and suck you dry like a vampire until there is nothing left. These people will gaslight you when you try to assert yourself when you try to set boundaries. Clear communication and no backpedaling is important.
DR .RAMANI is a angel on earth and when i meet her up above in our time when time is up for us . I hope i meet her there she is simply a good good angel on earth right now . Bless this woman..
Since I stepped out into the society, since kindergarten, for the next 35 years, I checked all the boxes here 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Feels like another lifetime. Still working on some remnants. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I have had trauma in the past, and am still getting help for it many years later (I’m much better though). You are so right that resulting difficulties with boundaries (loss of sense of self, oversharing)…have been heightened after the trauma. Another thing about over-sharing: If you mis-read the level of closeness with another person (and - as you say - are motivated for a need for connection/relief/validation) - and share too much, you can make other people feel uncomfortable and pull away.
Yes, I've known people who randomly shared their whole life tragedy in a whiny manner, probably to fish for pity points, but it always results in people pulling away very quickly.
Wow. I am 55 and changing my people pleasing ways. My adult children are an encouragement they have healthy boundaries and we are all sharing this info with each other. My husband and I realized we have surrounded ourselves with NARCs. After a 10 month friendship ending and as the smoke clears I have been wondering and fixing why we got sucked in so deep to where we were giving these people money. Thank you for this info.
I am finally do this now . And when someone upset me I stand my ground. I don’t bargain anymore with anyone. I would rather be alone and healthy in well-being. I love myself and I come first now for the first time in my life I’ll be 38 year old and couldn’t be more comfortable and happy with myself
I feel guilty when I set boundaries...and I have the need to explain myself, why I am doing stuff I am doing, justification like I am afraid that they will be mad or have a wrong impression of me, and they do not even ask . One of my ex-s was abusive mentally, accusing me of cheating and I had to explain to him every step of my day, just for him to stop being mad and being sad because of me. It took me years, to understand that he was manipulating me and controlling me. I am working on it now, put boundaries, to not justify my actions to anyone. I do feel the need to do it, but I do remind myself not to do it.
Thank you. I have been suffering for most of my life. I needed this. Thank to your knowledge, and a good friend who shared your videos. I set boundaries over the past year, and my toxic husband left us in February. I wasn't sure what his choices would be. I hoped he would value my input, but he left in February. Now we are no longer walking on eggshells. Every day is better than the one before. I still wish his choices had been different. After 14yrs of marriage I really hoped he would grow with the boundaries. I pray now that this healing goes well for me and my boys. I really can't understand why he would leave rather than put in the small effort, but I guess I never will. Thank you for all your knowledge, and thank you and my friend for opening my eyes.
I understand that all very well. Some toxic people are cowards and too weak to even want to try to put in that effort to grow and change. They know they can easily go take advantage of someone else somewhere else.
Your husband has gone through his life without putting in any effort, so leaving was the easiest thing to do for him. That says a lot about him, nothing about you guys.
I know we are all here, viewing your videos, for your psychological information and insights that you share with us. But, I wanted to say how nice you look in this video, Dr. Ramani. That coral is definitely your color!
I can really relate to this, I have ADHD which I think is a factor. It takes some work and self reflection but for me its getting better since coming off social media and giving up alcohol. Self care is so importantant to which doesnt always come naturally for some of us. Shout out to anyone whos struggling with this, your doing great by even clicking on this video 👏🌞.
Those last 30 seconds really got me. I was raised by a narcissist parent and it has been hell interacting with people. that I have not escaped yet. Making peace happen for you and overcoming the adversity to know your deserving is a necessary mountain to climb before you can live at peace with the boundaries you set for yourself... Also, I think this is a sign I need to get therapy. Thank you Dr. Ramani
![[#2024MAMA] BIGBANG (빅뱅) - 뱅뱅뱅 (BANG BANG BANG) + FANTASTIC BABY | Mnet 241123 방송](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EQsYfiPR9uM/mqdefault.jpg)
Want more MedCircle videos with Dr Ramani on topics like this? Get exclusive access HERE: bit.ly/3qS0SKq
Ķ
Hi. I'm at the beginning of this video. Does it discuss how to set boundaries, as in, in what regards, and how to decide what and how much? Or is that in another video?
What kind of doctor are you, please? A psychiatrist, psychologist, or other Ph.D.?
@@sandraherold1593 +!!!!!!!
Thank you for this important information..
I never learned to set boundaries. It wasn't allowed in my house growing up. As an adult I gave and gave to my family. I had the energy and money to do it. I'd fly across the country, drive hours to attend weddings, whatever was required. Then I was assaulted and left unable to work. I have a traumatic brain injury. 27 family members dumped me. 2 still call and show up about once a year to visit. Why am I writing this? Please begin setting boundaries now. And be prepared to find out who your friends really are. Don't wait until you are injured to seek and find real relationships.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Bless your heart.
I am so sorry about your serious injuries and assault, and on top of that the vacuum you experience at the hands of your own family. This entire world is narc-opathic abuse. I hope that you can find the courage to keep moving forward and discovering new inner gifts and positive aspects of yourself and create the family you need. "Family of origin" and family systems psychology may be helpful to explore and define new boundaries.
@@annak29 Thank you!
B. Small, I'm so sorry. May God bless you, because of your good heart. In the mean time, I pray that others begin to see your value, and realize what they are missing out on. I pray that you have true friends, that come into your life and be supportive of you. You deserve it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your true family and friends are those who stay by your side no matter what. You will find them, beautiful soul.
I definitely have issues with over sharing, then I regret it, I think it's a subconscious way to try to get validation and empathy, things I haven't had much in my life, I hate it when I do it 😬
That's me.
Omg same!
Same 🙋🏻♀️
Me too
Ditto
1. Inability to make decisions
2. People pleasing
3. Excessive fatigue
4. Endless guilt about small things
5. Lost sense of self
6. Oversharing
7. Resentment towards partner's boundaries
8. Passive aggressiveness
9. Fear of rejection or abandonment
Thank you
Thank you so much 🙏🏾
Thank you,
Yep
Woohoo saved me so much time!
Regarding setting boundaries: I have discovered through practice that it is not so much saying "no" to others as it is saying "yes" to yourself.
I have more self-respect when I say no, and the person I say no to that person, that person respects me. I still have a little guilt, at rare times, but I feel happier!
Thank you for your comments. Where did you find the emoji, it's cute!
There should be the possibility to like a comment 1 million times. Yes yes!!!
Wow that's deep. Saying yes to ourselves ❤️
Interesting point , thank you
I ticked all the boxes. I was raised by dysfunctional people who established shame and fear in me. I've never learnt how to properly communicate and set boundaries. The only think that I developpped masterfully was extreme empathy, which was definetely a coping mechanism that allowed me to retrieve information, to 'read the room', without having to engage in verbal communication or confrontation. There's so much work that needs to be done and I'm ready for it. Thank you.
Extreme empathy is actually something abused children develop because you need to determine what 'state' someone else is in because your life depends on it. We are incredible beings and like a deaf and blind person will learn to read physical vibration so abused children learn to sense others intentions and states.
I overshared like crazy after narcissistic abuse....I would tell strangers my life story...poor people they are looking at me like, I don't know what to do with that.😳 I was doing it to make sense out of all the stuff that is in my head. I was trying to get some reassurance from someone .. that I'm in the state I am for a reason...it was so inepropriate but I learned when I see people oversehering not to think they are crazy or inepropriate but to understand they are traumatized and they are just trying to get some sanity back. Get validated so they can feel not crazy.
Now after healing for years I probably undershare....just don't have a need for others to validate me or listen to me. So oversharing is I believe part of healing too. Don't feel guilty...say to your self it's okay darling, you are just trying to make your self feel better, it's okay, I love you. Selfparent and comfort the inner child any time.❤️
@Margaret I'm glad❤️...it's very normal...the problem is no one can get us, so we keep talking about it....they say things like but he loved you at the beginning, he was so into you and you go🤔 haven't you listen to anything I said. And again you feel not heard, not validated, crazy, like it's all in your head, you got traumatized yet again from your friends and loved ones. That's why it helps to talk to people who have been through it. Only they get it. ❤️
@Pearl White I understand this 100%! This is my childhood and exactly what I e done and love you mentioned the friend thing as well! I have been retraumitized by friends as well.
@@TMH792 yes, it's like a script really...even when you have good friends. You will feel complittly alone in it. I joined Facebook group for a while (narcissistic abuse recovery or something like that) and I did realize I was finily understood and all the other people said made sense too. But you have to have tick skin there too. There will be narcissisti there too, messing with people. There will be men narcissist trying to pick up women also. Being all oh how she messed with me, poor me, trying to hook you in because they know you are codependent (empathetic). There will be ones that make you feel not heard or understood too but the majority of time you ll get validated by the others who know exactly what you are talking about. And that's healing. Finily heard, finily validated, finily you are making sense to someone. I did leave the group because it just gets bit much of negative stuff to listen about(and drama is adictive thanks to production of dopamine in the brain which is why we stay with narcissist) but for few months I spent in the group it did me real good, I finily made sense to someone. Not sure if it would help you...you can practice boundaries too. Like when attacked from onother member of the groupe you can learn not to be too reactive but still stand up for yourself. Not defending your self but showing the other person you are your own best supporter and friend. No attacking back, no right fighting, no explaining. You recognize intention is to mess with you or put you down or discredit you and you just say, That's your story and this is my truth....... and you move on....Then if there is pain left you go into it and see when did my parent make me feel this way, what was that about...Oh I wasn't trusted, validated, my needs were ignored..Then you give yourself that. You pretend you are your own parent and you say things you needed to hear. Things they would say if they are healthy human beings. Things like I love to hear your opinion, you are so clever. You are so precious to me and I love you. The pain will then go away as you addresses the core wound.And when it comes back you do it again. It will come up less often with time .. You can also tell your parents "that's your story" every time they claim something or accuse you of something, or make you feel less of....My truth is that I am amazing, precious, valuable....wise...My truth is that I'm enough, just as valuable as anyone else really. Why would I be less valuable than any other human being. There is no reason....I'm not perfect just like no one else is and I'm still enough....Im me and I love me. You can say it to them or inside your head... Sorry about the novel here.🤭😁 I go with my instincts and at times I do say something that means something to someone.😁❤️❤️❤️
I tend to overshare and tell my life story to strangers and i feel like I betray myself because I even tell all to the people who used to bully me. They act like nothing happened and ask me questions about my life and I just can't seem to control myself . Even my secrets and I don't know what to do about it. It's like I have zero self control. I hate myself so much. Even if I discipline myself for months it's like I let go on an impulse and just forget what I had resolved for so long. There's also this belief that I should be honest or the feeling like I'm a thief in an interrogation table like I'm doing something wrong/ hiding something if I don't share my secrets or lie
thank you for writing this.
Women need to be OK with negative reactions to boundaries. Culture works against you, sisters, and you will be called a "B" or a "C". You would think that it would be men that would do that most, but it is other women who will snap back at you. So be prepared to be disliked or worse. The reward? Your self-esteem and your mental health. Go out and live your life.
Being too nice doesn't actually win that person much in terms of relationships or gain of any kind. People come to expect slavery from you if you act like a slave. Don't do it. Learn to say no I'm busy with my own things.
I, as the youngest sister of three girls, finally broke out of my family disfunction, of my sisters bullying me, intimidating me, and never listening to ME but criticizing me, leaving me insecure. When I finally spoke up for myself, and had different beliefs and goals and lifestyle as them, they turned on me and backed off far away, and I am glad, because I felt angry, I held so much in. I felt and still do feel very empowered in my own self and life, but still feel angry at the disrespect how I was treated, and there is so much I want to say directly to them, but now don't have the opportunity to do so, we remain uncommunicative with no relationship.
Add that many women end up raped and/or dead because they didn't want to be viewed as a "mean" or " rude" to a male who (ex. coworker, first date, acquaintance, beginning of dating phase) crossed a boundary and/or behaved inappropriately on a date or in the beginning of a relationship. Or excuses were made to dismiss the inappropriate behavior/red flags. The reward from saying no IMMEDIATELY to bad behavior in a way that keeps me safe, is living another day to tell about it.
@@rosej5029 Yes, sad but true. Girls and women in my day, grew up as if males had priority and that they should be good, as in good father figures, but it was so wrong. Girls need to learn while they are young to own their own power and make it count in every aspect of their lives.
Stop trying to make everything about just women. People like yourself influence culture just as much and your post is just as saturated with what you're talking about.
I was trained by a narcissistic mother to be a people pleaser. People take advantage of it if you don't set stronger boundaries.
Yep 100%
Especially in a society full of takers...
Yes I was trained by narc siblings
12 min in re: oversharing. Trauma makes you vulnerable to over sharing because you desire to make a connection. That really resonated with me.
My parents absolutely required me to have no boundaries. Then, the world turned out to be a dangerous place where I served everyone and owed everything.
This resonated with me and how I was brought up. Keep loving yourself and teaching others what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.
Well said
I’d chime in that might be what happened to me
I was just speaking to someone about this! I have definitely felt this, so I parent differently.
Yep, being a girl being expected by parents simply to obey, no instruction as to who to obey, so it was obey anyone, be vulnerable. So I married two people who I tried to reject, but they nagged and nagged me, stalked me until I said yes. Then they expected me to do all the work and pay for everything.
Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m only just learning about boundaries. I was raised in the role of servant-girl. -Suffered greatly.
exactly same for me, Rose. And all these years, I have been blaming myself.
Aww, I am so sorry , I can relate to living the role of servant girl in my dysfunctional and toxic family
Hi Rose, Good for you that you're learning about boundaries!
Sorry to hear you suffered greatly.
I'm 58 and had a rough time being recognized as an individual in my family and I learned to be a people pleaser to be acceptable. But that's all over now. I'm learning about boundaries too!
Same here! I'm 72
I was always the best lil waitress all my life too. My self identity in my husband, daughter. Then faced my own childhood truths in my senior yrs. How'd, Still on the right side of the dirt and, showing up as well .
Narcissists hate to be told no. When you say no to them, their behavior toward you will quickly change. Boundaries will reveal the "red flags" in someone, who is out to hurt you 😉. Don't ignore warning signs!! 🤗
Exactly.If you say no to narcissists because you want to keep your boundaries clear ,they are gonna resent you and they will act differently from the way they used to act (ex.the constant sweet talk andlovebombing)such as suddenly starting to use silence treatment to punish you.All because you are not under their control any more.
Thanks for the tip. Sounds like a win win to me.
When I told my lovey dovey boyfriend that he couldn't drive my car, he turned into a different person - angry, critical, name calling, shouting, sneering. At least,this time, I finally , at 67, I knew what this was and ended the relationship. When I told him to remove his things from my house and go away, he did get physical but at least I got him out of my life. In the past I would have tried to placate him.
👏
Yes, so true, and especially when it is family. No body deserves to be bullied.
Has to be the number one life skill. Healthy boundaries both create and reinforce mental health. It has been a long journey for me 🙃
Your name is perfect for this comment.
this should be a meme
If someone would hear your thoughts, how would you create healthy boundaries? I'm asking because it is possible, but aren't many people on Earth who have this skill.
@@WhiteAngelLovesEarth Hm that could be the subject of a very long and introspective book BUT my short answer would be by learning to incorporate our shadow side, so we don’t keep seeking it out subconsciously in someone else (which is what both immature empaths and narcissists do). Boundaries can only be created by a person who knows what their moral code is. And that having a moral code means there will be consequences for other people who violate that code which could be anything from an attempt to discuss and negotiate to fully walking away. Most “normals” just do this naturally. Empaths very much have to learn how to stop giving our power away to people who will uncaringly take advantage of us. And learn that this is healthy, not only for ourselves but to stop co-creating or enabling narcissism.
I hear that - I'm still working at it and probably will always be an on-going work in progress. In spite of 12 yrs in Codepedence Anonymous, numerous yrs in and out of group counseling and one on
one. What amazes me the most is that out of all those years, not one of my counselors told me that my mother was a narcissist person and that they have to have a Scapegoat to blame for all the mistakes they made that they refused to take responsibility for. Even as a grown adult if I failed to live up to the expectations of my siblings, they wouldn't just keep it between us, they would call up my mother and my older sister. My oldest sister and her husband were still doing this when I was in my 50's and she was in her 60's. If my mother was still alive, they'd still be doing it for the slightest thing they didn't approve of!
Poor boundaries are what got all of us into narcissist relationships that lead to so much more abuse!!! I think setting boundaries is the key to staving off narcs and making them walk away knowing they can’t manipulate us!!! Light 💡 came on here! Thanks doc! Hugs 🤗
This is not true when you are born into a narcissistic family...
Yes, I agree. Having been conditioned by a narcissist mother, I went to the world to serve in order to get away. And oh, I had to serve - women like that are eaten up until there is nothing left. But now I know better.
Absolutely! To tech our children about saying no and having boundaries
100% accurate
I was also trained by a narc mom. Kept blaming myself until i realized she trained me to be a target for abuse.
An old bf from 30 yrs ago contacted me. Immediately started acting like we were a couple. I was very clear with him I did not want a relationship and put him in text-only ( same as my nar.mother). Last week he complained that I never initiate texts. Tried to guilt me into it with “am I a bad person?” I ignored the guilt and told him the person that wants something always texts first. And that I want nothing from him. It felt good to set a boundary!
Love this!! Takes courage
After being brought up by a bullying father and an emotionally absent mother my boundary setting skills were non existent. Sadly my life has reflected this in all the ways described here. Since the death of my husband, instead of learning to set boundaries, I’ve simply abandoned people when I’ve felt them starting to take advantage, leaving many of them confused and upset.
I so wish I’d learned it was ok to set boundaries 50 years ago.
Oh thank you for sharing this... I relate so much 🙏
I remember there was a strong insistence on children "not answering back" to their parents in the 60s. What I understood from that, was "Don't assert yourself" and I still feel paralysed in situations where I should assert myself, but don't. There was "physical punishment" within the family I was born into against expressing feelings or being assertive. I wonder how many families in the 1960s and 70s were similar? Physical chastisement wasn't counted as abuse then. It was still used in schools in the 60s so it was endorsed "officially".
@@AuntyEsther You are absolutely correct. It’s taken a three year strange relationship with a covert/vulnerable narcissist to trigger my self analysis as to why my life has taken the path it has. I remember being physically punished by my father at about 3\4 when I copied something he’d said which included a swear word. Most of what I remember about my childhood involved sobbing or being scared. It seems that ‘breaking my spirit’ was the goal. After the latest situation I began watching videos about narcissism and realised why I allow people to walk all over me. I know that three of my four relationships, all totally different, have been with narcissists and I’m now starting, reluctantly to wonder if the other one was too.
It’s a vast subject and I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand it. I’m certainly safer on my own now.
Thank you for your kind, understanding response.
@@curiousnetty534 - I’m on my recovery journey as well. Have to remind myself it’s not a straight line & to forgive myself for the late start. Better late than never! It’s due to my parents. I’m trying to forgive as I know they did their best & didn’t know better with their own pasts, demons, & limitations (not to mention the racism they faced as PoC immigrants). My mom is a covert narcissist, too. TBH, I think a huge number of us are recovering, since narcissistic abuse seems to come along with authoritarian parenting (I’m not an expert, btw, just my $0.02/observation). I recently cut off contact w/ my mom, even though she needs help & I love her; felt I had to to protect myself. I found it impossible to ‘fix the plane while flying it’. Everything in this video I’ve experienced - and done, too. Despite my efforts I was becoming like her - we learn from our parents after all. Godspeed to us all who are doing this work on ourselves to heal & break these cycles. 🙏🏽 💕
@@maritesshoy317 you must have been through hell. It must have been a tough decision to cut yourself off from your mom but, though their generation suffered unimaginable hardships our parents made their own decisions. For example my brother caused all sorts of problems but didn’t suffer the the abuse that I did. I feel sad that it’s taken me to reach my sixties to start working it out but like you say better late than never.
Much love and strength from England.
I studied boundaries and my own behavior. I changed the way I relate to others and lost friends who were resentful of my changes. But my life has space and peace now. I’m just waiting for healthy friendships to develop. I enjoy my life more now and it’s easy for me to say no.
Where did you learn what sort of boundaries to set? Are there certain ones recommended, or do you figure it out on your own, regarding what's best for you. Also, do you ever feel like you're being a bit of a jerk when setting boundaries, or not, please? I sometimes feel like people are being jerks when they do that, that they're going overboard with it.
@@ALinn-vr3nl I journaled 25 ways to say no that I got from Teri Cole. And I started watching a lot of psychology videos on RUclips. Yes. I felt like a jerk at first but it got easier. Now if I feel resentful, I know it’s because I need to set a boundary.
@@lisaschmidt8466 Ok, thank you very much. That's a very good clue, feeling resentful, for me to keep in mind.
Same here 👍
@@happydogg312 If they do try and make you feel guilty, and chances are some certainly will, that is a good indicator that those boundaries are needed! Take note of who reacts badly and how they do so - you may find you have to distance yourself from them altogether. Be confident in prioritizing your mental health
Thank you for the education I did not receive as a child. Finally, at 60, I am finding peace of mind.
57 and just uncovered why I'm such a mess!
Why are we so committed to being Nice? I'm seeing that it's an over-compensation for my parents being such Bound-Up, Self-Centered, selfish...I Desperately NEED to NEVER be seen as ANYTHING LIKE MY FREAKY PARENTS!!
WHat do I do with That??
@@paysonadams4597 heal yourself one day at a time, that's how. Take care of you as if you really love yourself: say nice things to you, eat the best that you can, have compassion for you, and so on... When the first things come natural to you, you'll know what to do next 😉 and you are not alone at all.
I Am 70 yrs old and have not set boundaries well a of yet. But will now try it! It already wreaked my health an ued trouble. But I do have ome more life in me * I think* and so will marh and and not keep trying to pleae vryone. It maybe is time to take tiime out for myeelf to really stop worrying about othrs and stop feeling when someone wants or expects thigns of me, that i msut do it or they will leave and never ome bback. I may be "shunned" I msut gt over that feeling and orry. Losing love scres me. ( but not sure why thou,gh as do not know that it has happened? Except I gabve many many year to my partns and did all I cold but when they pase away they ignord me. I doo not knwo if they meant it as peeoel die in variosu ways, but I felt like they just was "done with me?" Did not need mae anymoe for anything. I hope i was wrong. I was only on who styed thr for them.
@@carolweaver3269 just say no. It’s fun. Just say you are over terribly extended and couldn’t possibly take on more. Do it for yourself before you die. I think the problem somewhat stems from being born in the late 40’s or 50’s. Expectation of girls was so traditional. As a child I saw there was not much value or respect for homemaking and child bearing. Men did value added work - women did the mundane maintenance of men’s lives. We were trained young to be people pleasers. You forget to please yourself. I wonder how many hours I spent doing for others, contributing to their success, taking their burden, helping them achieve their goals… more then I want to recall. Doing the “right thing” for ungrateful people sucks the life right out of you. You have to save some life and fun for yourself. People will get used to your new attitude…
@@katie195 Thank you Katie. It is so true what you have said " it sucks the lie out of you" that is very correct. We ar expected * fron that generation* tht doing for others and being kind is just expectd. We go on with it and feeel it is just fine * It is to some degree* we are to just be ther for anyone who needs us. A minister once said to me " Remember, you are not a rug" We do not want to be " walked on" But I continued on thinking it was right and 'love 'was 'that.' Life goes on and putting ourselves on teh back burner, or turning back from getting things done for others and we got left behind often. We have time yet, So with that we can, enjoy our lives we have! Am sorry you went through similar, as it has not been right for us in the end, but we did not realize it. ( You are right about just saying " I am terribly extended and just could not take on any more!" Will try it and then it should get easier with time.. Thank you so much and am glad you have done this now ! It is also true that we, growing up in the 'late 40's or 50's' *with me it was 50's* we felt expected to do this, but now times have changed greatly.. Bless you for posting in answer to mine!
I used to think victims were the only ones with boundary issues. Actually it's lack of healthy boundaries in the abuser that gives them the audacity to abuse. The two go hand in hand. Thank you so much for this wisdom.
I’m a people pleaser. I’ve gotten myself in this space of completely exhausting myself and lost my self. I’ve been working really hard on educating myself. Thank you for helping us. Everyday I ask myself is this a boundary.
Are you a codependent!
I had to learn to pace myself because I would work myself to death and volunteer. I was wide open all the time, then I'd CRASH.
Did you have abusive parents and/or family members? It started some time ago, when your ego and sense of self(worth) were so badly trampled. You'll trip up now and then but just keep training yourself to look after you. You're worth it!
One thing that REALLY helped me is... I don't invest more in others than they are willing to invest in themselves and me. Meaning I call you as much as you call me, unless I have an affinity for you and just want to chat. My family relationships are smoother now and I have no more complexities. I come from a family of narcissists and generational trauma. You can do this :)
Every time you say "No" it gets easier. Good luck!
As a newlywed I was so confused. My husband & his family walked all over me @ every turn. For example, my mother-in-law would call my husband @ 9:00 pm & invite us to dinner for the next night. My husband would say "what should Jan bring?" & my MIL would name an elaborate dish for me to make. I worked full time, we lived over an hour away & we invariably we did not have the ingredients to make the requested dish. I was confused, I was constantly dumped on, I was "baited" & I invariably was the one that looked a bit unhinged when I would react to their unrealitist pressure & demands. I was in uncharted territory & I didn't know how to navigate those unreasonable people. I went to several different counselors but they were of NO help. (There are a lot of really BAD counselors out there.) A girlfriend even advised me to set my alarm for some un-Godly hour to make whatever the requested potluck dish was for that week. They were incredibly disfunction "takers" & I am thankful that I finally extracted myself from that life.
I hope you dumped him and his family
omg that sounds so mentally and physically exhausting, so unfortunate those counselors didn't help, glad you got out of that situation
Good grief. Well I'm glad you found the courage, wisdom and help to get out of that. And from the way you are articulating it, support in untangling all that from your heart and head.
Wishing you greater joy in the days to come. ❤️
Yes, there are really terrible councillors - physicians, attorneys - out there.
I'm beginning to realize - that those "professionals" must have gotten their degree - then COASTED!! And just collected their fees!! It has taken me quite awhile to realize this.
Hence - we must be even more proactive than we thought we should be.
I'm so sorry you went through that! You are so strong and brave! Glad you were able to get out. ♥️
My daughter, a second grade teacher, is teaching me to set boundaries. She's a very good coach! She not only helps me with what to say...she holds me accountable and asks me if I've done it yet. It's so nice to have someone not only help me but to follow up on my progress. I can say that being a people pleaser and having terrible boundaries is exhausting and has made me not want any friends and to live my life out in isolation. It truly is a sickly way to live. Thank you Jes for being such a wonderful daughter! 🌻❤️💕
Is there any way to set healthy boundaries.?
🙏🎉💖our children are sometimes our biggest teachers.. I've learned so much from my kids..
How healthy is it to switch roles ?? 🙄
@@kristinavizareli2411 🛑 stop
@@kristinavizareli2411 I absolutely see your point. Being an adult who helps my parent, I question how healthy is that for me. So I am very vigilant how much I help and when too pull back
I will ad, that as a child of sexual and physical abuse, and being an extreme empath, I definitely think this contributed to my lack of boundaries. Child abuse causes so many dysfunctional behaviors that alter lives and self esteem. Thank you for this video! ❤
Absolutely, I became a people pleasure as a way to cope and protect myself as a child.
Good fences make good neighbours
Yes 😔
Same here as someone with CPTSD I definitely agree!
Decisions
I was never allow to set boundaries when I was growing up. When I was a kid, as a teenager, and in my 20's. I'm in my 40's now learning about boundaries, narcissism, gaslighting, manipulation, etc. I grew up with 6 narcissists. All almost drained me. I barely made it out. Now I'm nowhere near them. I have peace from them. Now all I need is the healing.
It is my Story you are writing 😢
It takes time. It’s like fumbling around in a dark room. But after a while you know where things are and you can maneuver.
Same as me. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
" One of the reasons ppl overshare is that they might feel dominated or overwhelmed by a situation, and they are anxious to establish an attachment or a connection. They want to give, give, give. " Thanks
... or just "be understood better" with persons who never understand these kind of topics anyway :) I did, and it just got worse, still do get worse with some who cant understand anything more than "mathematics", or some just doing trespassing for their own fun-games. So I hope it gets better with not so much blaming oneself, just more discernment when to give or not, and balanced boundaries in time.
See BELOW ‘Your Majesty 143’ for more detailed list
1. Can’t make a decision
2. People pleasing
3. Priorities excessively geared towards others leading to exhaustion
4. Endless guilt about small things
5. Loss of sense of self - absorbing others’ lives/identities or become their jobs
6. Oversharing
7. Resentment for allowing oneself to ___________________
8. Passive - aggression
9. Overextend oneself - fear of rejection/abandonment
***Violating others’ boundaries
@@womaninwood9177 - Been there done that; fortunately (?) compassion fatigue guided me to another path.
@@womaninwood9177 - LOL 😂 You’ve hit on a major symptom!
It's a lot of hard work....I come from a family of no boundaries, no support, family trapped in trauma, no awareness, think actual healing is weird and not obtainable... sad and unfortunate.
@@ChiviA84 - At least YOU are aware! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Well well well, if it isn't me! haha
Everything you mentioned helped me realize I have literally no boundaries as a people pleaser
And the moment I find someone who takes interest in me I overshare
How to set boundaries:
"Please don't talk to me like that, I don't like it"
"I don't deal with negativity"
"Do you think it's okay to behave like this?"
"I didn't appreciate what you did"
Walking away when things get heated/ going to the bathroom until the other person cools down.
Also this is a boundary for yourself don't share your insecurities with people not even your bf but instead work on them. That way no one can use it against you
"I don't deal with negativity" generalized like that it sounds quite narcissistic.
Ultimately, it's better to RESPOND instead of reacting. Properly feel your emotions, understand them, think of all solutions & consequences, and respond in manner that protects your happiness (that you are absolutely entitled to) in a courteous way.
@@noidea3326 I disagree but ok when someone is trying to start drama with you or pick on you it's a really great response to disarm them.
> "Do you think it's okay to behave like this?"
I wouldn't use this phrase in my life.
Imagining myself on the receiving end, what can I say?
- I answer yes, even though you ask the question because you're clearly not okay with the behavior. Then I'm in effect saying "I'm okay shitting all over your needs".
- I answer no, essentially saying "I'm okay doing things that are not okay, which will eventually shit all over your needs".
If I don't want to shit all over your needs, and I want to convey this fact, how do I answer?
I also think there's an element of dishonesty to using that phrase. What I really want is talk about my individual needs, feelings, boundaries, etc.; whether a behavior is okay in the abstract or in general is a different topic. The dishonesty is pretending that I want to talk (and are talking) about the latter when I'm really focused on the former.
I think a closely related phrase that avoids most of the problems is "I'm not okay with that behavior". It makes it about my boundaries rather than generic okay-ness of behavior in the abstract. It tells rather than asks, implicitly saying "I don't expect you to already know this", which allows the other person to save face by going "Oh! [Let's talk about how to do things going forward]".
In general, you-statements come across as if I want to dig up dirt on the other person so that I can attack them and take them apart. I-statements do not. "I'm not okay with that behavior" is an I-statement.
It’s a shame that I have noticed at a late age that I have poor boundaries all my life. Now I’m trying to correct them.
Better late than never. Good luck to both of us!
I've been a caretaker my whole entire life. I've had 7 burnouts and nervous breakdowns because I was too busy taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I'm now working on myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I cannot take care of anyone else anymore because of my own medical conditions, disabilities and limitations. I'm learning to set boundaries and also learning to say no.
Having to establish and re-build own boundaries is the hardest part of recovering from narcissistic abuse.
Every time I say something that my mom finds uncomfortable to hear, even if it's the truth about her hurting me and then victim blaming me, she goes: "wow, stop, you are overstepping my boundary," in a very angry voice. Healthy boundaries are important, but abusing the boundary setting to silencing someone when the conversation gets uncomfortable, is the other end of the spectrum.
One aunt and her husband would immediately change topic & act very busy..simply not listen, or show no interest when I tried to talk about a real matter. But if she and her husband wanted to talk about any issue they wished...they did so elaborately, imposingly!! And expected me to listen to especially long & most repetitive, uninteresting accounts of their children & grandchildren everytime we met!! They never kept anything confidential and gossiped with relatives about other relatives and about their own grown children & their wives.. and about other cousins ...I avoided them completely, more after I learnt they remained shameless backbiters.
I had an almost friend say that exact phrase out of the blue. Watching and learning from Dr. R and others and just as importantly their commentits has helped me in nipping that in the bud. I feel for you with it being your mother but i have learned to make boundaries with my mother also.
narcs make the rules. They can cross yours but how dare you have any.
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 my dad is the exact same way which led me to not talk to him as much and set boundaries. When I talk about a real talk or a issue I have he would tell me to be quiet he doesn’t want to hear it and so forth but when he have problems and issues he have no problem talking my ear off or calling me
My mom who did this... I cut her off because she was unable to respect mine.
Remember that people's reactions, emotions and feelings are their own. You are not responsible for how they choose to react. You can work with them if they communicate they would like something to change but you shouldn't automatically take responsibility for how they react. You should take responsibility only for your actions.
Love the topic of interpersonal boundaries. My only real mantra on them, as a former therapist, is simple: DO a boundary, don't discuss it (with the person invading yours.)
I like that!
How can someone know their is a boundary if it is not spoken aloud? Their are normal boundaries like the 10 commandments to live by and then there are boundaries set by an individual by their own accord. That's 101 understanding your boundary, placing it and speaking it. I may be fine with my man giving a hello or goodbye kiss to one of my close friends. Another woman may consider that full blown cheating. It's perspective of the individual and they should voice it. Once it is in the open and violation happens..action needs to be taken words or 👢🚪 Speaking boundaries literally teaches others how to love you..or not.
Boundaries are one example of teaching people how to treat us….
Referring to number 1 (people pleasing), and number 9 (fear of rejection). I knew somebody who was over-friendly and clingy when meeting new people. She was deprived of suitable parental relationships as a child. She wanted others to 're-parent' her, and would do things such as giving inappropriate gifts to those she hardly knew. This was a method of getting others to like her, because she did not believe they would like her just for herself.
In setting boundaries sometimes I worry about someone's reaction. I've learned that if they have a reaction and stick to it, that's their crap and has nothing to do with me. I was stonewalled and cold shouldered at work for weeks after I set a boundary with a friend. We aren't friends anymore. I saw it coming. They like to blame, be the victim and martyr in all situations. The woe is me mentality 24/7. I was ready for my turn when it happened. After I set my boundary, I saw this person get off on their own passive aggressive behavior and it continues. It's a way of staying in victim mode and feeling sorry for themselves yet feeling so entitled and justified. It's like a way they get power that they have nowhere else in their lives. Super toxic and sad.
The exact same thing happened to me with a friend!! Over a year of friendship i had never disagreed or gone against something she said and i wasnt sure why. I concluded with my therapist that its my people pleasing tendencies, and that i should allow myself to disagree next time i saw her, because real friends would still treat you the same and respectfully allow you that space. Well, it went completely sideways and ended up in a fight that made me realize this person is just really always going to see themselves as a victim and it doesnt matter how or what i say to try to get them to see my perspective.
Just missed a promotion at work because of this! I was on my way there, talks with the manager and he confirmed excellent performance on my part, support and necessity for business! Until the final decision, had to had a face to face conversation with a colleague, clearly stating that I do not accept her disrespectful behaviour, always pushing, interfering with my work..etc. I was calm, direct and professional…well at the next conversation about promotions …” I only did the minimum” 🙈🙈🙈
I spotted something, a theme, in your comment, it seems that you're making it all about them, the person on the other side of the boundary. A boundary is about you, not about the other person. Overly focusing on how the other person reacts is still a type of people-pleasing, and still, kind of, a sign of poor boundaries. You're thinking about how THEY feel, and how THEY react, and who THEY are, it's not about you anymore, it's about them. You've crossed over your boundary and gone into their camp.
When you set a boundary for yourself, your only concern should be how you feel.
@@ebbyc1817 you're absolutely right! I'm working on it. I saw myself last week getting so frustrated with their behavior and stuck on it. I thought, maybe my boundaries are not the best. Recovering from people pleasing and setting boundaries has been hard for me. Those reactions from people I set boundaries with can be painful.
@Mypinkbike
EXACTLY ! you just made me think of Amber Heard: perverse narsiccist. .BUT there were no boundaries, so it gave the toxic person an opportunity to display all his/her full Toxicity.
Silence is my best friend. I never regret for being silent. There are not many things that people would need to know about me. Unfortunately, I still abandon my best friend too often and share too much. Anyway, I am getting better. ”Silence is my best friend” is my mantra and I have often succeeded to keep my mouth shut - and I never regret it.
As long as you still giving of yourself along the way.....
i hope i get there too.. so happy for you!
Always stay silent, people cant destroy what they don't know.
Even if you are a people pleaser you don’t seem nice. They just find you easy to deal with and throw their anger at you. Being nice does not guarantee you’re safe from people’s dark side .
dr. ramani your generosity in sharing these information is truly life saving. It is a game changer
and life saver! Truly, it was/is a bad struggle, her words mean soooo much to me
She is a Godsend for all of us.🌹
Dr. Ramani is the most useful information giver. I recommend her to others frequently.
The subject of people who don’t honor others’ boundaries is something it would be nice to hear more about.
I tend to walk away from relationships when why my boundaries get violated became I don't know how to confront people. It's an improvement over people violating my boundaries 🥺
That's sad also
Yes, I’ve had to walk away from relationships too-mostly family members. I agree it is the best we can do when we are not able to confront in a healthy manner. For me, it has given me time (5-10 years) to break the habit of trying to please others and put that focus and care on myself. Thank you for your comment!❤
I now am getting into the habit of asking myself "is this for my highest good" or "is this loving to myself and my needs" to get out of people pleasing.
I'm learning to not care what other people think. It is a daily practice.
Excellent as always. This should be taught in high school. I think we are all guilty of these mistakes. Boundaries is the biggest life skill we can ever have. Setting boundaries for me has been a lifelong process.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you said, I would like to add that learning to not only listen to what others say about themselves and listening, really watching and paying attention to all of it. Also not trying to be so agreeable that it’s costly to you (being a people pleaser). It’s a bad habit and must be changed if you find yourself exhausted!
''This should be taught in high school.''
Everybody HAS THEIR HABITS FORMED by the time they reach high-school.
it can't be suddenly taught at high school if when one is one, one is in a dysfunctional family, when you get out of high school it does not mean that your boundary is learned once and for all...you would have different situations at different ages..all require re-learning your boundaries....
@@rv292 I agree! It should be taught in school! But would we have understood it back then?
I'd like to think so, but doubtful.
It’s never too late to be a better person. Every day is the first day of the rest of your healthiest life! I’m 63 and am grateful for the opportunities that have come from fighting for what’s right and good. My Mom was being sucked into a deadly vortex of abuse from my brother and his wife because she was abusive to us kids when we were young. But my Dad was very abusive to HER as was her father to her.
So when my brother found out my sisters and I had convinced my Mom to have one of us as her Power of Attorney/Health directive advisor he and HIS wife sued my sisters and me. Then had to change the lawsuit to just her (Canadian law). 7 1/5 years later a judge stopped the litigation bloodbath by forcing him to accept a cash settlement to stop suing. He lost contact with our mother, my kids, and his wife’s family just used him for their own personal gains.
The judge acknowledged our plight and gave us all a reward for big protective of my Mom despite her abuses. Life can change course in a very short time.
I was shamed into not having boundaries(by the person who I needed to have them with). I was blamed for having boundaries at all. Dad(narcissist) didn't respect any boundaries, and hardly does now.
22:34 "...WHY a person is depressed is that they're *not getting enough behavioral reinforcement from the environment*."
Exactly my thoughts for the last 3 years or more. I'm clawing myself out of depression and trauma basically alone, faking it until (hopefully) I make it, since apparently the best thing that my close, loved ones know how to do is... to leave me alone. So how does one learn to rely on others, when others cannot be relied upon? [insert doubtful emoji] I can't make new friends anymore, I keep all new acquaintances at bay. Woohoo!
So relatable ... Wishing you the best!
Indeed. How can you rely on others, when they are not there for you when you need them the most.
I allways tried to be for the loved ones when they need something. Even for basically strangers.
But not vice versa.
Now i avoid mostly people, because it is a one way street. I allways have to rely on me.
To be the strongest one.
How can you climb out of a depression or physical problem when you allways are alone with everything.
It reminds me of some dogs who are in terrible shape and a human helps the dog back to health, feed them, nurture them back to health. This dog would of not made it without human help.
Are we that different when we are really in bad shape?
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 I sympathize. Yeah, we do feel very helpless. Unfortunately there's also wisdom in leaving us "alone". It's because we feel helpless that it's important to give us the space for us to recover our sense of agency. Of course physical ailments should be assisted appropriately, but for the mental side we can't be helped in spite of ourselves. We can't be made to see the light.
Here's a quote that helped me through my loneliness until I could pick myself up: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."-Douglas Coupland
@@leamubiu
The last sentence is very true in color. You know...i love dogs. I also discovered that dogs 'know' how to stay beside you and how to comfort you every day. When sick also. You also can be yourself when being in company of a dog when depressed or overwelmed, anxious or just sad. They seem to understand nature and have the ability to the greatest compassion and empathy. They are sensitive. I am for the dog in all circumstances too. They deserve my loyalty, compassion, care, love, empathy and everything in between.
I feel so connected with dogs, that i sometimes have the idea, that i am more a dog then a human. They are my true family.
Bless you lady.
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 they probably are. I feel the same way about my doggies. They are just people with fur.😊
I realized that I was avoiding setting boundaries in my romantic relationships because I didn't want to be abandoned. And I couldn't stop it even though I knew that it was unhealthy and happening. I couldn't be who I really was. So frustrating.
sending love and support!
After my marriage ended I adopted a motto: I will NOT parent adults! Another phrase I find helpful that my mother asked me once when I felt so awful and could not forgive myself for the error of marrying this person who did not care about me in the least: 'Why do you think you are responsible for someone else's behaviour?'
Well, of course none of us are responsible for someone else's actions, attitudes etc. I think that very basic level of boundaries is something we often forget and overlook. It's almost so obvious that we don't realise that we can get pulled into someone else's issues (and be badly hurt by them) and we keep trying to figure out what we did wrong that enabled someone else to slip into our lives and cause so much damage.
If we are basically balanced people, it is always important to examine our own blind spots or areas where we need to support ourselves and build and strengthen our skillfulness. However, this can cross over into self-blame very easily, probably because that is the one thing we can change and control.
We have all been hurt in so many ways and I hope someone might also find that question as freeing as I did. I read something recently that suggested we write down a list of all the good things about ourselves. It's something we very often forget but I found it very helpful in supporting myself emotionally.
Thank you for this. I’m 47 years and now only learning about boundaries!
Wish I had been in-the-know about this when I was a ‘ spring chicken ‘ of 47. But I feel so grateful I’ve been able to take care of myself- my health- everything~ and so, able to have a good number of good years!! Detached from Narcissus in 2004- but the crappy fallout still was rearing its ugly head for a few years after that. I hope you all will get those toxic people out out out!!!!!💐🌷🌹🌺🌸🌻
50 here, feel as though my understanding of healthy interpersonal dynamics was entirely missed out of my social / relational development. Finding my feet a little with it now but it's still quite anxiety-inducing holding my ground and not folding at the first sign of conflict. To be honest when it works out it feels sooo empowering though!
48 and now that I've figured out how to set boundaries, I'm finally beginning to enjoy my life. My mother has never figured it out, and I followed her example for the longest time. But now my kids have a better example and I hope it changes the dynamics of our family line.
You not the only one !! It’s better now then never
I'm turning 50 this year I'm just waking up to my demise.
My parents have poor boundaries with their children, but they're very convinced that it's the right way to have a family relationship. I'm realizing that, even though I feel smothered by the them, my mom's own insecurities and the way she raised me makes me feel like I'm supposed to have poor boundaries in my dating life. I often feel very guilty rejecting guys I don't like and pressured to people-please and ignore red flags, while at the same time it makes me feel very angry and resentful.
"...often feel very guilty rejecting guys I don't like..."
This is why I had to give up dating. I felt so sorry and guilty when I didn't feel the same way about a man who liked me. I was fine if they didn't like me!
Turn the table around and approach the guy you like.
But now you know better. So quit blaming your mom and do what you know is good and right for you.
If someone abuses you in a relationship, it would be because YOU opened a certain door that facilitated that, not your mom. Because you now can CLEARLY see that you and your mom don't think alike. So no more excuses.
And you can go back to your parents and teach them how to treat you (now within the boundaries you've set).
This is why I had to distance myself from my mom. I have to find a way to become my own person, not my mom's understanding of what is right.
@@miaschu8175 Remember that you don't owe them anything. They wouldn't do the same for you!
After decades of doing for others over and over, it's absolutely liberating to not be a people pleaser anymore. I'm not full of fear anymore as to whether people like me or not. When I say no to someone and I never hear from them again, I don't feel rejected as I used to. I'm actually relieved that I thwarted yet another user and taker
If you don't set boundaries, someone else will always be more than happy to set them for you.
I use to have poor boundaries but since I worked on it I’m more at peace with the people around as well. I don’t overextend myself and make it clear when I need a break, especially as someone with chronic illness. I use to feel bad about leaving events early or having to cancel but I have to take care of my health first💯💖
1. Indecisive
2. people pleasing
3. Neglecting self
4. Feeling obligated to take on more responsibility
5. Loose sense of self
6. Over sharing
7. Feeling burn out (resentment and or frustration)
8. Passive aggressive
9. Afraid of rejection/abandonment
Jesus heals people!
Cheers to growth and healing!
Thank you so much for this summary. 💕
My pleasure! Take care!
All but #9.
Gotta love the people who leave these summaries in the comments section. God bless you ❤️
@@chitrahkarthigeyan415 thank you so much for your kind words. God bless you as well!
This is difficult to hear and so good because I’m guilty of it from a traumatic childhood of abandonment and neglect. I don’t even know what boundaries are sometimes. I’m much better at saying no, but never understood I over extended myself because I thought I had to “earn love” just like in childhood. Thank you for this!
I 100% understand this. I am the same way, except i often have a hard time saying "No." I dont like to feel like i'm letting someone down". Thank you, I appreciate you for writing this comment. Without reading your words, Its hard for me to identify or relate so I struggle putting words with MY feelings.
I think that's that's big club...
@Tracie Kling I wanted to make sure I replied so you would know this did not happen for me overnight. It took years!! My first message is gone. It helps me hear other people put words to their feelings as well dealing with CPTSD. So I understand. It took me standing up to my grandma after 10 years of being her care giver and her writing me off because I stood up for myself. She passed and we weren’t speaking, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to manipulate me and push me around anymore and was done. That over sharing thing in the video? 🙋♀️😂 I have attracted narcissistic and selfish people my whole life bc I was raised by them. It took an event realizing I was so exhausted surrounded by so many selfish people, I was angry and I was done! Like I said I still deal with it, but it’s a lot easier. I wish I would have learned this skill earlier. I would drive away from my grandmas in tears and physically sick to my stomach and was so angry with myself that I could not stand up to her. Now I know she was a full blown narcissist, so it all makes sense. All of the relationships I was “people pleasing” in, out of fear of not being “the good girl” ended anyway so I was exhausting myself for absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t have been able to word it this way then. Hope that helps! 🤍😊
@mighty mouse Huh?
@@TMH792 You're not by yourself. I never learned the idea of boundaries from childhood also. I hope you're healing and doing well now. 🙂
My life is an example of previously having no boundaries; now after years of trauma am learning how to make good decisions and getting rid of co-dependency. Thank you Dr for clarifying how toxic people pleasing is! I am learning self-respect and am finally getting a self-esteem..
I just tried to set boundaries. I’m starting to feel like I’ve been a supply. I’m trying to heal in silence. I said I’d talk when I’m ready. The constant calls and messages is shocking. And when I’m happy they try to bring me down. This is the first time I’ve set boundaries. It’s been an eye opener.
I really have all the 9 signs,I've realized today,I need to make a drastic change,my poor health is probably the outcome of my poor bounderies and the narcissistic abuse I've endured for 15 yrs.
When you know better you do better, I'm so greatful to you doctor Ramani,how lucky your clients are,and we really appreciate you!
I chose to end a professional relationship today with a fellow musician who began harassing me and verbally abusing me in text messages and voicemail. I am so thankful for listening to so many of your highly informative and educational videos on dealing with toxic narcissistic individuals. I can't thank you enough for the work that you do on this channel every day, helping all of us to cope with the abuse and learn to create healthy boundaries in order to develop healthy relationships. I have also been involved in intimate relationships with men who have narcissistically abused me, so you have helped me in many different areas of my life... even dealing with family members. I am so grateful for you!!!
Thanks so much!!! ❤️
I love your name....I too have been with women and even a marriage just taking advantage of me.....move on don't be a victim and keep being hopeful and dating I like women and pleasing them but alone lately but still hopeful THANKS for your comment
This message is beneficial for me. I’m 67 years old and learning how to set boundaries. I realize that many times throughout my life, I felt used and taken advantage of because I had no limits. I furthermore realized, for the most part, that the people I people pleased really had no respect for me.
There with you. On the right path now..yep Wake up call !!!
62 here, and exactly the same.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Immature and insecure people only see this as problematic. When a man does it, he's strong, he's firm. When a woman does it she's a b-, she's hormonal (all from the eyes of that same immature insecure person I just mentioned). It's ok to be nice; it's not okay to be a yes-man.
Thank you Dr for sharing your videos!! I love watching them in my downtime and utilizing this knowledge!
11:54 to 12:24 RIGHT ON THE SPOT. a lack of confidence and feeling dominated by another person causes oversharing.
I forgot to mention that my doctor, a lovely and decent man, once told me that 'In our society we still push women into these roles of having to know everything, fix everything, take care of everything, be everything.' At that moment I was emotionally overwhelmed by the needs and demands/expectations of some family members. This, of course, affects men as well (my doctor may be a good example).
I wonder, even if we generally have healthy boundaries, how to support ourselves through these times. My mother was very ill and others had legitimate needs but they were all demanding so much of me that I felt like a ball in the centre of a tug of war, where I would eventually be torn into a dozen pieces.
There are many people who've had their boundaries so ruthlessly violated, that they really don't understand how not to violate the boundaries of others. That is something, that if it were to be clearly illustrated, it could be very helpful to everyone involved.
@Sarita Wow! The addicted to reading statement just blew my mind!! They absolutely utilize this to replace actually feeling.
Yes so much! Sometimes people feel like victims long after their original bad situation/childhood, and go on to victimize others--and feel re- traumatized when someone calls them on it
@@miriamn6335 yep. It's one of the ways victims continue the cycle of abuse. But learning is possible, so we can all stop with work.
two wrongs don't make a right
"so ruthlessly violated". So true
You look so pretty, Dr. Ramani. And so smart and articulate, too. I’ve learned so much from you.
I loved people so much and loved what I was doing for them, at that time I didn't know that was people pleasing, because I did it from my heart. Now since I'm learning about narcissists, I hate being sociable and doing things for people, and I noticed they *punish* me when I say No.
I absolutely loved people. But I also got bullied a lot. So now I don't love people anymore.
I like being alone with myself.
Don't forget to love the people who truly love you... Embrace them and enjoy them and Forget the rest...
I can totally relate, but I think it’s important to eventually be able to see some people as kind of ignorant to their own manipulation rather than as bad people, sitting around, twiddling fingers together, plotting how to use you and not give back. Human nature is selfish and while I don’t condone people like those I think we’ve all encountered, I think there is still room for loving (some of) them, helping them here and there, keeping your boundaries, pointing out their punishing behavior and manipulation, while also giving them grace and SPACE (if they truly don’t give a f how it is affecting you) to grow on their own journey and learn to become a better person as they gain insight.
TLDR: don’t stop loving just because you won’t be their “female dog” anymore. We all have shitty qualities sometimes and it can take time to learn of them, accept that they are true, and actually train the change
@@siobhancondon705 nobody loves me, I live with my narcissistic father and treats me badly, not respecting my boundaries and with my sister who has a similar behavior like he does. He only respects her. My neighbors talk shit about me, some dudes with some rumors ruined my reputation.
NOBODY loves me, I stay away form toxic people. I'm not socializing with anyone and spend my time alone.
I know exactly how you feel. Describes me to the t. Now I keep to myself and mind my own business. My happiness is the only thing I care about. And dogs. I love dogs 🐶
@@msmiami9791 Same, I love my old dog!!! She's 15...
The whole issue of boundaries is a whole new world for me. I didn't know I needed them, wasn't taught how to set them. Didn't even know they were a thing. Thank you
I can relate so much when you mentioned “loss of self”, which happened when I became a mother back-to-back. I had 3 kids under age 4 and it was so exhausting. I’m doing better now since the oldest is 13 and I am no longer changing diapers several times a day. I have really healthy boundaries growing up but there is that season that I got so confused. I want to teach my children this so they know it’s only a season, not prison sentence. That they will have my support whenever possible. I also don’t want to overextend but I married someone who lack boundaries and he added to the stress. He tends to answer on my behalf like “go to mommy and mommy will give you bath” assuming that I am available. If I overhear him volunteering my service then I respond with, “Will you do it? I need to bounce back. Im taking 1-hour me-time”. Women need to ASK help, present your needs and to take breaks.
“Surviving Narcissism” is another great channel with Dr C for people who would like a male instructor on this subject. Be good to yourself empaths out there in this testing world.
Thus far, one of the biggest lessons in therapy for me was when I first learned how entangled I am in my mother's emotions. The idea of not living to please her and to live for my own reasons shattered my world. I had no realization whatsoever that I had basically been living to please her and others. My self-described emotional "martyrdom" had always been a strength in my eyes, but I realized it has completely crippled me. This same idea was also tied to my religious views and only now can I see just how unhealthy it was for me. Thank you for explaining this, I am only just learning about setting boundaries and I can only hope it will lighten the crazy burden of guilt I have!
When I had a falling out with my abusive sister, people kept asking me what I wanted to do for our weekly get-togethers that we had with other friends.
And it took me a few days of answering by listing what everyone else wanted in the friend group, getting to the end of the list, and realizing I never mentioned what I wanted, for me to realize, I had *no idea* how to even know what I wanted.
And so I get super mad at my sibling when she demands that I go back to who I was. Because to me it means she wants me to go back to being a boundary-less puppet.
It's creepy.
Yes indeed .....and all of your unselfish sacrifice is unappreciated.....and more often then not goes unnoticed....shame on us
@@emmagoldman6616 there's no shame on us. We all have to learn at our own pace according to our own lives. Adding shame on us is not helpful.
I just had this realization and had to cut my mom off because of both of this and her lack of boundaries! I realized so much of what I had done in my life was to please her even when she wasn't there. I need to find out who I am and live my life in a way that makes sense for me. We are not our parents!
I watched this dynamic between my parents, where my mom bulldozed my dad constantly and would just escalate disagreements until dad just gave up and let her have her way to end the argument. So he became very passive aggressive, I think because he didn't see other options. Eventually I was able to unlearn all that but it still pains me to see them interact this way.
They are adults and make their own choices. Your father is allowed to leave that woman, but it's his own choice and you should never ever beat yourself up for the poor decisions of your parents. Let go of their problems and live your own life.
@@Asto508 thanks 😊
Feeling this, same parents it's hard to see. ❤️
This is similar to my parents relationship. My fathers passive comments & behaviors became so subtle that as a teen I didn’t recognize it. I also didn’t realize until my mid 40’s that my mother is the narcissist in their marriage and in my family of origin.
Exact same situation I've been in with my narc wife. Became resentful and very angry at the disregard for my needs. I'm now making an escape plan to free myself from this insanity.
I want Dr. Ramani to be my doctor because she understands and knows a whole lot. I would love to talk to her.
I love Dr Ramanis videos. She has a resonating presence. Her whole being is beautiful. So down to earth, no frills , but non offensive. She explains everything so comprehensively. ( A real word?) Helps people to understand better certain disorders that our relatives ,friends, or we ourselves live with and how to deal with them. Very helpful advice.
This video is very organized and informative on a very important topic. I genuinely wish my child or teen-self heard this. If there was one thing I would add, I would also say people with blurred boundaries tend to put the blame on others for whatever emotion they are feeling. An example would be "Wow, you sure know how to make a man angry." (In the end, you ultimately decide to you react to whatever. No one makes you do anything but you.)
I hope a lot of people are able to reach this video. Knowing this really will help with preventing yourself from entering future toxic relationships, and also help identify bad habits to work on when trying to make boundaries for mutual and healthy relationships. What we consider "toxic" can be considered normal to someone else. Thank you Dr. Ramani & MedCircle. Best hopes that everyone benefits from this video to live safer, healthier, and most importantly, happier.
These Devils always pushing to break thru our boundries
Did you listen to this? Most of the problems with lack of boundaries are about not protecting yourself or feeling that you are deserving.
Not all people with blurred boundaries are passive aggressive - although some are.
The final group of people were people who don't respect other people's boundaries. To suggest that all people who lack boundaries are inappropriate or abusive is just wrong.
Thank you Dr Ramani, thank you Med Circle! You are truly helping me out of ignorance and pain. You have a place in my heart forever 🤗
Sooooo many of us hold her close to our hearts!!! 💞
I hit all 9 of these 😳. Mother was a narcissist. Boundaries were not allowed. I still struggle massively setting boundaries.
The information given by you is crucial for people who experience narcissistic abuse. No one deserves to continue the cycle of abusive tactics that are employed. The manipulation is exhausting. Exhausting. Did I mention that it's exhausting? I don't remember because I am sleep deprived and exhausted from handling all the bs dealing with the narcissist in my life. Literally and figuratively. Life is not a game, and I am sick of the games. Especially when the rules shift to suit whims. No one has the ability to soothe them when they feel anything uncomfortable. Ugh...
So true, it’s a good way to have good boundaries. Just don’t share something that his personal to you. Saying to much is not good.
Good points.
Listening to this share online at RUclips and doing so more than once has truly made me aware of how my oversharing is risky business.
I have been fortunate to have received good and safe counsel, and so, I might bring up my tendency to overshare at the next meeting with the counselor.
Otherwise, I am so grateful for MedCircle and Dr. Ramani and what they share online! 👍
Sometimes I don’t know the difference between people pleasing and my actual willingness to help out.
Like sometimes someone asks me for something and it’s actually no problem for me to do it. In such moments I don’t know if I do it because I want to help or because of people pleasing.
Reciprocity, watch for it.
Same! :( I can't tell the difference if I'm doing it to be generous or to people please Dx
If you are willing to help someone when they don't offer to return favours, and if you know that you will keep helping them every time they ask even though you also know they won't do the smallest thing back for you, that's people pleasing.
Dr Ramani, thank you for this video and that you also mentioned "poor boundaries isn't just a person having poor boundaries for themselves but can also be a person violating other people's boundaries". I think this is so important to mention when discussing poor boundaries. As often we are so focused on our own boundaries that we don't put much thought into how we may be violating another persons boundaries.
I had poor boundaries at my last job, it really bit me in the ass when I was having to train one of my replacements (I was being let go) - not wanting to be mean, I fielded question after question even though it was apparent to everyone he was not really learning and using me as a crutch. He would cold call me on Teams almost as soon as I logged into work every morning - even at times when he shouldn't be working (due to a time difference).
Having poor boundaries, I reluctantly gave out my personal number to him. He messaged me with seasons greetings 3 months after I left, on Christmas - I ignored him. Finally blocked his ass a few days after, woke up to a series of missed cold calls and screenshots of emails with whatever work problem he had (not even asking permission for help) - for the record it was for something I had definitely explained to him at least 3 different times in the 50+ hours of calls I had logged with him on Teams.
Edit: the day before I left I had a teams call with him and this other guy who was also a replacement - they had originally asked for a 2 hour call (lol) which I explicitly declined because I was fed up and had a lot of shit to close out.
What happened? I got another cold call that I foolishly accepted in my state of overwork and it was these two jokers basically wanting a rundown of everything they needed to do their jobs. And of course it ended up lasting the 2 hours anyways. They had waited until my last full working day to ask these questions. They had both been there for 6 months at this point.
I made a thinly veiled joke that they'd have to start taking notes in meetings now - this fucker had the audacity to say "yeah, we can't just rely on you anymore" - which basically confirmed my suspicion that he wasn't even trying and literally relied on me to tell him everything. If I weren't waiting on a cheque I would have screamed at him.
I've not been very good at setting boundaries, including at work. When I had good managers it wasn't an issue. But my last manager was an obsessive perfectionist who micromanaged me.
She saddled me with unrealistic amounts of work and wanted to discuss every task in detail no matter how unimportant. (I suspect she has OCPD). I failed to set boundaries with her for 2.5 years which led eventually to a mini breakdown because I couldn't take it anymore.
When I started setting boundaries, she still tried to transgress them. I'd tell her I didn't have time for any more work, but she would still ask me again about doing it a week later - even though nothing had changed in my existing workload.
I noticed that she also had no respect for other people's time - ie no respect for their boundaries. She'd schedule meetings at short notice late in the day without considering whether colleagues had plans or obligations in the afternoon/ evening. She forced other people she managed to stay late to perfect work or to wait for her comments.
But I think she also lacked the ability to set boundaries with her superiors so it no doubt seemed normal for her to behave in this way with me. I think the truth is a lot of people don't know how to set boundaries and this is especially bad in workplaces where there are power differentials.
But this experience has made me realise how important boundary setting is, and has given me the confidence to assert myself and set boundaries.
The ppl pleasing receiver is so on point. Sometimes you don't want to reject ppl who want to give you things and being there trying to help and giving all the time but that is having no boundaries too.
I think I have these too.
I wasn't aware of it until my late 30s, when my life started to fall apart. During childhood, I was taught "don't be egoistic", "angry isn't good", "you have to be kind". It's heartbreaking that those 'values' betrayed me in later years.
Now I'm afraid.
Some people "people please" because they like to help, not necessarily because they want to be seen as nice. They don't even notice they have become a people pleaser. I used to have the personality to help people not necessarily please people, but I was naive. I didn't ever care about looking like the "nice one." I genuinely had compassion and wanted to go into the community service industry, but after coming into contact with abusive work environments it changed my perspective on helping others. I don't help anyone.
You nailed me 100 %. Now I recognize myself and I brought on and invited half my problems and abuse.
I don't think you necessarily have.if you'd behaved in the same way with most decent people they wouldn't have the same reaction.
It's impossible to expect the way they behave as its so far away from how most people think.
It's not normal to deliberately manipulate and mess with someone's mind.
@@paulinerichardson138 you got that right. Who knew what evil lurks in the eyes of some people.
Narcissists will see a weak spot and suck you dry like a vampire until there is nothing left. These people will gaslight you when you try to assert yourself when you try to set boundaries. Clear communication and no backpedaling is important.
DR .RAMANI is a angel on earth and when i meet her up above in our time when time is up for us .
I hope i meet her there she is simply a good good angel on earth right now .
Bless this woman..
Since I stepped out into the society, since kindergarten, for the next 35 years, I checked all the boxes here 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Feels like another lifetime. Still working on some remnants. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I have had trauma in the past, and am still getting help for it many years later (I’m much better though). You are so right that resulting difficulties with boundaries (loss of sense of self, oversharing)…have been heightened after the trauma. Another thing about over-sharing: If you mis-read the level of closeness with another person (and - as you say - are motivated for a need for connection/relief/validation) - and share too much, you can make other people feel uncomfortable and pull away.
Yes, I've known people who randomly shared their whole life tragedy in a whiny manner, probably to fish for pity points, but it always results in people pulling away very quickly.
Wow. I am 55 and changing my people pleasing ways. My adult children are an encouragement they have healthy boundaries and we are all sharing this info with each other. My husband and I realized we have surrounded ourselves with NARCs. After a 10 month friendship ending and as the smoke clears I have been wondering and fixing why we got sucked in so deep to where we were giving these people money. Thank you for this info.
I am finally do this now . And when someone upset me I stand my ground. I don’t bargain anymore with anyone. I would rather be alone and healthy in well-being. I love myself and I come first now for the first time in my life I’ll be 38 year old and couldn’t be more comfortable and happy with myself
My borderline personality disorder, I see this in my personality and how I feel daily. Thank you for your words ❤️
Oh my goodness... talk about mind opening. Mistreating myself has led me to almost all of these. I'm the nice person 😌
I feel guilty when I set boundaries...and I have the need to explain myself, why I am doing stuff I am doing, justification like I am afraid that they will be mad or have a wrong impression of me, and they do not even ask . One of my ex-s was abusive mentally, accusing me of cheating and I had to explain to him every step of my day, just for him to stop being mad and being sad because of me. It took me years, to understand that he was manipulating me and controlling me. I am working on it now, put boundaries, to not justify my actions to anyone. I do feel the need to do it, but I do remind myself not to do it.
Thank you. I have been suffering for most of my life. I needed this.
Thank to your knowledge, and a good friend who shared your videos. I set boundaries over the past year, and my toxic husband left us in February. I wasn't sure what his choices would be. I hoped he would value my input, but he left in February. Now we are no longer walking on eggshells. Every day is better than the one before. I still wish his choices had been different. After 14yrs of marriage I really hoped he would grow with the boundaries.
I pray now that this healing goes well for me and my boys.
I really can't understand why he would leave rather than put in the small effort, but I guess I never will.
Thank you for all your knowledge, and thank you and my friend for opening my eyes.
I understand that all very well. Some toxic people are cowards and too weak to even want to try to put in that effort to grow and change. They know they can easily go take advantage of someone else somewhere else.
Your husband has gone through his life without putting in any effort, so leaving was the easiest thing to do for him. That says a lot about him, nothing about you guys.
I know we are all here, viewing your videos, for your psychological information and insights that you share with us. But, I wanted to say how nice you look in this video, Dr. Ramani. That coral is definitely your color!
I can really relate to this, I have ADHD which I think is a factor. It takes some work and self reflection but for me its getting better since coming off social media and giving up alcohol. Self care is so importantant to which doesnt always come naturally for some of us. Shout out to anyone whos struggling with this, your doing great by even clicking on this video 👏🌞.
Same here. Working and learning about setting boundaries right now. Is a work in progress ❤
Those last 30 seconds really got me. I was raised by a narcissist parent and it has been hell interacting with people. that I have not escaped yet.
Making peace happen for you and overcoming the adversity to know your deserving is a necessary mountain to climb before you can live at peace with the boundaries you set for yourself...
Also, I think this is a sign I need to get therapy. Thank you Dr. Ramani