I can't offer friends or family "visits or vacations at my home" they are quite upset. Yet they never invite me out or to their homes. My health is not good right now. I just beat cancer, have immune compromised issues and don't have the energy for company right now, much less the energy for in person long conversations. Definitely no overnight visitors. I said no & stuck to it. I doubt if they will ever ask again, but I had to protect my energy & health. I had to put myself first, for the first time.
"Don't offer things that you really don't want to do." The feeling when the person says yes is dread and resentment afterwards. Thanks Julia for the reminder. I just had to laugh at myself on this one.
Ooh yes! I would seriously prefer someone just not make the offer in the first place than resent me and grumble behind my back. Years ago my partner and I had travel plans and we received a gushing email invite from someone to please come stay at their house. We felt uncomfortable but accepted so as not to seem rude (another boundary??) and for 2 nights only. We later learned that whilst we were travelling there, this person had phoned a mutual friend freaking out and bemoaning we had put this on her, creating the impression we had pressured her to provide us with free accommodation! She even gave us her bedroom and slept in her spare room, which really wasn't necessary at all. So awkward, never again!
@james2774 thank you for sharing. I seem to regularly get ghosted by "friendly" acquaintances after I so much as share something like am feeling stressed at work. Yet like you, people put the most unbelievably hectic stuff on me and just expect me to not only be cool with it, but to fix it for them! If you find a support group for people like us, please let me know! Meanwhile, I have begun trying to set boundaries by not engaging too much too early, even when initially it makes me feel like a b*.
@james2774 It seems like whatever a person's circumstances or limitations, they just KNOW we are a willing recipient. I am reminded of a lady in our neighbourhood who had deep and obvious mental and emotional problems... but somehow she still knew not to f* with my husband and how to control herself in his presence, then load it all on me when she managed to get me alone, telling me stuff that is quite unrepeatable here. I know she was sick, but even so. This is but one prime example!
I’ve had the same problem in the past too. Don’t trust anyone with personal information until you get to know if they’re trustworthy or not. Some people will gossip about you to others. A lot of people don’t want to hear about other people’s problems. Also, avoid people who use you to dump their issues on. They’re selfish users.
Man you changed my life, your vedios have changed my personality 360 in just a month. I learnt things that my mom never taught me, I'm 16 and my life has gotten so better. I have become confident and got rid of overthinking because of you. Thank you so much Julia💖💖
Same! Who knew anxiety and overthinking was from lack of boundaries and knowing how to react. I wish I would’ve known all of this at 16 tho I’m just learning at 22
1. 2:58 To not engage in unhelpful conversations - intentional non engagement 2. 5:33 You don’t need to argue with people on the internet 3. 7:20 Turn notifications off/leave devices in another room 4. 9:44 space to prioritize health 5. 13:47 Do not make offers that you secretly want to be declined- it’s actually lying 6. 16:49 don't agree to things you don't want to do. Thanks @FIRE QUEEN 7. 19:00 Take a step back to cool down before you respond when you are triggered Couldn’t find seven but thank you 🙏 I’ve been learning some of these unwittingly this year! Thank goodness 😅
Like Basically We raised ourselves. My college friends would call me, "orphan."😣 My healthy boundaries are being distant and not being sucked in onto her guilt tripping and emotial abuse. She has and always will defend her husband. She did it w me and did it w her grandchildren.
Same here, im 18, my mother too like yours didn't model anything , didn't set any standards , didn't do anything for me in short than just afford the basic material things required. I raised myself up since I was small and my grandparents played the role in my life that my parents should have , it's tough , but it gets easier over time
I have a family member I have stopped engaging with. Every exchange is like a snake bite response from them. I’ve tried using positive tone of voice, positive words, and sincere interest. No good. I get no eye contact, one word responses, or snarky responses. Forty years of this roller coaster is enough. Finally feeling control over my responses and the impact of this person in my life. It helps that my husband sees it and supports me.
“Create boundaries around not making offers that you hope will be declined” - WOW. Felt so embarrassed, humbled, & seen altogether. Soaking in your words and taking some time for introspection. Grateful for your wisdom!
Hey everyone my name is Santos. So glad i found this community. In the last year i found out i am super codependent highy empathetic and married to a soul crushing highly narcissistic serial cheater. Yeah. So thats fun. This one of the only places i have been able to start getting myself together and. Start to heal
The same here. I am codependent. I am with severely highly narcissistic. After we got engaged the next day he sending me with a woman that he was cheating s******** I am slowly trying to escape. So I truly are you feel. God bless
@@marrylee6746 stay strong 💪 I feel for you. Mine was all golden period and love bombing but once we got married I was old and boring and then the pain started, devalueing and all the rest. Learn all you can study study. And my mantra I try and say this to myself everyday and so should you. "This is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you "
I just lost a friend of 16 years because a lack of boundaries never being set. And currently I’m a fight with a friend now and was wondering about the boundaries I want to set. Thank you. Very relevant
Hi, hello. I am a former people pleaser. Learning and growing. Boundaries and Reciprocity have been my theme words since 2020! I am glad to be here. 👋🏽👋🏽
"Sometimes we win & sometimes we... learn" What a wise overcoming attitude! Love it & your videos! Thank you all your help, insight,& wisdom! You are a treasure, Julia Kristina!
Arguing with people on the internet - or gaming (which can be quite toxic) - and not engaging is something I recently stopped doing and it feels great. Even sometimes if I write something and then I get a notification they replied, I don't even look at it and I just set it to not show me notifications for that post. What a win. If someone gives you something and you don't accept it, who is left with it? What bothers them even more is being ignored and not having a voice. That's the strength.
Through my Life especially in the last 4 months hearing “We all have to do things we don’t want. to do in our life” or “You need to Grow Up” I’m doing better today bc I know my past isn’t My Present. I’m so grateful to see how you Help so many make their Life Better🤗
"Do not make offers that you secretly hope to be declined" Wow this blew my mind 🤯. I constantly doing this especially at work because I want and hope people accept me and like me more because of this. Thank you for letting me realize this one, simple thing that actually makes me unhappy and tired ❤
This month I'm not touching my phone atleast an hour after waking up 🙏 if I use my phone early in the day, the whole day passes in a reactive state which hinders my ability to work in my art. Thank you for this video ❤
As a chronic insomniac who also has anxiety and trouble wanting to get out of bed, although I have a meditation technique that’s low tech, I’ve found some channels with sleep talk downs and very relaxing waking up meditations and affirmations, and that’s why I keep my iPad next to me in bed. Also, I don’t have an actual alarm clock, so I use the one on the computer for that if I need to be up at a certain time. I sometimes forget to turn on the do not disturb setting for the phone app, and then get rudely awoken the next day before I’m ready to wake up.
“Taking a step back.. breathe.. readdress later”! So wise.. wish I would have done this years ago..I completed your Boundaries Course.. totally worth it and life changing! Thanks so much for your help and encouragement!❤️🌸
@@juliakristinamah I think I do a good job never arguing with people on the Internet and keeping my phone on do not disturb usually and checking it sparingly! Lately I’ve started to go out and do walks/runs after work since I’m working most of the day, but need to make it more of a consistent routine
I've learned not to engage with closeminded people, as soon as I realize nothing will change your mind then I lose all interest in the conversation and openly cut the line and draw to a close. Things are so much better this way.
Just wanted to thank you so very much for your advice. My 42 year old daughter uses me, manipulates me, and makes me feel guilty when I say no. I'm so glad I discovered your channel. It's just what I need to hear to be able to stand up for myself because I'm a people pleaser and feel bad when I say no. Thanks again.
I’ve definitely noticed that “agreeing to things you don’t want to do” or people pleasing is expected more so out of women. And this isn’t a rant but an observation. I was taught as a young girl to be polite and to serve others (part of my faith that has been taken out of context). As a result I became a bit of a people pleaser because I thought being polite and serving others meant just saying “yes” to everything. I was taught to put others needs above my own and I never learned that I could have a balance of doing for others AND myself. This is very helpful! Thank you so much.
This is extremely solid advice. Put your phone down, don't offer thing you don't want to do, and physical activity are all thing I could identify with. Thank you for the videos.
Heyy everyone! I’m Lucienne and I’m new here! I’m so excited that I found this channel to further understand what’s best for me whether it be boundaries or anything that will help me uncover a healthy way of living.😍🥳
Greetings from Costa Rica, I'm Julio César. Thanks for been such an amazing person who helps the rest of us. I love your content. As we say here in Costa Rica, you are Pura vida!!!
Thank you Julia! I ended a relationship last year and realized how seriously I lack boundaries and so I am intentionally working on that and this certainly helps. More power😀
Be careful though not to stonewall or give the silent treatment. I've been on the receiving end of those, and it is the worst kind of abuse. Compassion is most important.
Living it!!!!!! Thanks for all your reaffirmations!!!! I knew it! Namaste!!! Been a long hard journey by with remaining self-aware, my own internal parenting-love of self... creating boundaries and learning to say no... survivor now thrives ..my resilience and autonomy have set me free! Thank You!
Great video! Yes when you decide not to engage it feels powerful and good until you are around those friends or family members whose personality wants to win so bad in front of an audience and can’t stand to look foolish that they will keep taking jabs at you or even making remarks about you “pretending not to hear them” or “you must be getting angry” or questioning “why you wont answer their obnoxious question” or any comment to rile you up and make you look like the problem where its literally awkward for the entire group and ruining the mood but no one is willing to speak up to tell the person they are wrong, going too far and need to chill. Its obvious the instigator is insecure so they try to focus on whats wrong with someone else in the group if they think they can get away with it. 🙄
Wow! You said a mouthful. Why don't you call out the silent ones for not stepping up to protect you (or anyone else for that matter that is being attacked.). That is called justice! Justice means protecting the innocent!...and that's you! Question: Are these people really your friends??? Maybe you need to find a new set of much better people for friends.
Thank you! This was super helpful. I forwarded it to my sister as well. I would love for you to do a video on dealing with the fear and anxiety surrounding aging/life passing by so quickly
That really hit home for me also. I think just saying that out loud even (or in your head if you can't out loud) will really change your through process. Like - why am I doing this? I also love how she said that energy could be put to making the world a better place. For every moment we are engaging in that BS - we could be doing something great.
@@juliakristinamah the problem when you say it you know that you don’t want to do it. But a different force within you push you to say it. Exactly same as you have described in your video, pleasing or you want someone to be happy but you haven’t calculate it right 😩. I will try to postpone my offers until I am sure about it.
So I have been directed here by a dear friend of mine, who used this resource to work through some deep stuff. I'm hooked! I certainly have a hard time with my boundaries, both with other people (namely NPD /untreated BPD/ DID people) and with myself. I've had enough encounters that I can't help but think to myself at times, 'why haven't you learned your lesson!' I over extend, ignore red flags and give empathy to the point where it overrules my spidey senses.... 'I should have see it coming'...then found myself gaslit, devalued and discarded. I know, I'm a kind, loving, strong and intelligent woman, with so much love and support to give. But to the point where I don't protect myself from the types of personalities that, in the end, make me feel awful..... So....this is exactly where I need to be right now. I'm willing to do the work, willing to grow and be a stronger, more emotionally intelligent version of myself. THANK YOU SO MUCH
Hello, my name is Cristal and I really struggle with boundaries but it is something I am currently working on. I have a friend that has no boundaries at all. I am struggling with finding ways to tell her to respect my privacy and to not text me multiple times every day. It’s so overwhelming. I just found your videos and they are amazing and exactly what I need. I will definitely be looking into your workbooks. 😊
Oh my! Have you ever told your friend that? I am going to ask my friends if they're not telling me anything, because friends normally text each other often unless they aren't high on the list or you need time alone.
So glad I came across this video! I am the oldest of 4 siblings and the only one that have kids. I have been trying to set boundaries with all of my siblings and everyone is on board except for the second oldest. After watch this video & another video of yours, I know exactly what needs to be done. Thank you for taking the time to post your videos! ❤
I'm in AA and currently working on myself for myself. Loving your channel yes loving myself and creating the best version of myself thank you glad I found you ! I'm finding your videos really helpful .thank you!
1 and 6 resonated the most with me. Recently I've actually applied these. I had to discern recently and walk away from being triggered into an argument with a narcissist. It felt empowering! I'm so glad this video showed up in my feed. Thank you so much! 🙏🏼❤
I'm Alex, i'm 25. The stuff I went through was terrifying and was pretty much torture. I'm tired of being bullied and taken advantage of and im hopeful to learn about new boundaries i can set.
Exactly! I had enough extremeness so far and I am in love balance, peace and boundary work. After listening this I feel like my heart is breathing. Thank you for this video which I need the most right now.
i like how you pointed out that you also need that boundary to make space for your physical well being. since working from home, i feel like i'm always working or thinking about work that the only time i set aside for myself is just enough to get some sleep. i realize i set boundaries on some people/task so i can make space for other tasks all for work rather than making space for myself. its a hard habit to break when everything feels urgent or important. also, new here... hello!
Helpful video！Thank you. Sometimes I know I shouldn't allow myself to go with my feelings because things will always get very exhausting. But I couldn't help doing those things I shouldn't do. I need more practice on these boundaries.
Hi Julia ! Im Roni from Brazil... And I'd like to let you know I'm your fan. I learn a lot with you about tons of things related to relationship and how to engage with society.... Also I'm studying English and way to gesticulate the words give clear examples about whatever you're talking about helps a lot. Thank you for being so dedicated to help people from all over the world. God bless you
I need to make a boundary with getting sucked into my own head. I try to keep busy with virtual events and videos like yours, but even that doesn't feel like enough sometimes with the stress of staying in a hotel while waiting to foreclose on my first piece of property which will hopefully happen within the next month.
Julia your videos, especially the one on boundaries have changed my life and are just what I need. I watch them every day. They have taught me that i need to be more patient with myself when I have feelings and not to judge myself. Love your videos and cant wait to become a shifter.
Oh my goodness this happens to not just my Husband & I but with people around us just coming up & constantly talking to us about their troubles in their life when my Husband & I have things on our minds that we need to get done in our lives which lately because I am that tired of listening to them I just let them know I am busy getting things done for myself so my life is good because if I don't do for myself then my life isn't good for me because I am allowing them space in my life which I Don't have time for became it delays me. & Then my Husband & I will get into a conversation that doesn't even have anything to do with what we are doing to improve so I will just walk away from him lately just to get my part done so I can keep helping us to improve so we can keep going forward. So this one really hit home with me ❤️ Thank You Julia 😊 Love you 😊
Hi Julia, Just a short introduction from me. I live in the South Island of New Zealand and have only just recently started watching your videos. Liking what I see so far. Thanks.
Hi Julia I have always appreciated your videos this is Silas I've had a rough couple years I have smashed several phones my last phone I could not set up I could not like or subscribe I have c-ptsd autism and head injuries and this has been a very difficult town the good news is the people are so miserable here nobody wants to live here and as of now we have zero covid-19 cases just wanted to let you know I was okay and how grateful I am to you for taking the time to do these 🌈🏞😁
Not my circus, not my monkeys. 🤣 I use it sometimes and love it! This subject goes so deep and reminded me of Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love and Freedom Hidden Within Painful Feelings. There is this paragraph were he talks about boundaries ''Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you. The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation.''
I really need to put myself first instead of giving in to the idea that I need to save people, which makes me feel that I´m less than them and I don´t deserve any attention from myself. Need to take ´good care´of myself, as you very well said. Thank you for your videos!! Greetings from Buenos Aires, Argentina :)
Listening to this and another video helped me to think about places where I have developed good habits for boundaries and where I haven’t figured it out yet. It is interesting. I think I take for granted that I made choices about certain things some years ago and worked hard to find a way to set a birdbath for myself to not let others affect my view of the day at the start, for example. I am remembering now that I had to take a few steps to prepare my attitude and take action to keep that boundary. No wonder I have had more satisfaction and success in my professional life than in some other areas where I have struggled more to do that work. Wow what an eye opener.
I really love this video re: BOUNDARIES this resonates so much with me bcoz there is someone offering me a job that I cannot fulfill which not my interest to do wth other people like creating/ manisfesting something what If it didn’t came true whos to blame I dont want to be blame for the task that I dont want perform for other people. I am a private person it is not my job to do for the welfare of other peoples lives too, I dont feel gulty to the task that I dont want to do, bcoz it is not my personality. I have my own life to live on my own rights without feeling bad for other people needs... I know what life‘s ahead of me and what direction Im taking I am with my true family we‘re accountable / responsible with our own success and not with other peoples lives.
Another good video, thanks. I do the promise stuff I don't want to do because I just feel obligated to help and I just put it ahead of how I might feel.
@@juliakristinamah your question made me really think. Maybe this isn't exactly the situation you were talking about, because I just feel a lot of empathy for people and weather I want to do something or not I just feel if I don't help it won't get done. I have in the last couple years not said anything sometimes, so I guess that's another way.
Thank you Julia. I find your videos very helpful. I didn't know that stopping notifications from Facebook was a way of setting boundaries, it's good to know. Interestingly I had done just that a few months ago as I was tired of being interrupted by all the FB notifications every time I looked at my phone, and lots of junk emails. All spam goes diverted straight into the spam folder unopened. I spend my time the way I choose to spend it now :-)
Boundaries have been missing in so many of our relationships. But what I am experiencing in the past several months is people who use the concept of boundaries as weapons. Rather than have a meaningful discussion people have been throwing up a "boundary" flag in anger. Does that make sense? How can we possibly work through issues when people keep getting triggered and use the concept of a boundary as a way to not discuss?
People are not well versed and educated in boundaries and it seems to be trendy to just “demand” things when people don’t know how to reasonably ask for things.
Online esp they “block” or “cancel” someone out of ego butt hurt. (Such as a differing opinion or the like). We may walk away or block just for the sake of personal peace or safety tho. There is a difference imo.
I know what you mean because we really aren't taught how to communicate well and work out problems.Il If I can't communicate safely with you I won't be able to talk to you to work anything out.Right? If you vex my spirit and we can't get to the bottom of it... If you do deliberate attacking , manipulating and sketchy behavior you won't change...you gotta go!
I appreciate you looking at things in an alternative way. like "Not for technologies convenience" I turned off notifications it's the best! Space to prioritize your health WOW!! like I knew it but needed permission! plus more insights thanks!
Hi there!! My name is Dara! And I'm learning for the first time of my life to set boundaries to myself and with the people surround me this will be a very challenging thing to do since I've recognize that I'm a people pleaser and for me it's very hard to say no! Thank you so much Julia for this video, I really appreciate it I have a notebook in which I'm writing down all the boundaries that I need for myself and I am adding the ones that you were talking about taking a step back and answer later, not offering things that you don't really wanna do, and saying no😊 Again, thank you so much and I'm looking forward to learn more from you! Blessings ❣️☺️
Hi Julia, I'm Jane, so glad I found you here on youtube especially now during this covid crisis as I'm finding myself reflecting on my unhealthy relationship patterns of behaving which are holding me back in life, but recognise it's me and time to rewire. Your advice and insight is like healing balm. I appreciate your no nonsense, straightforward way of explaining things. Thank you it's just what I've been looking for
Me too exactly! I found Julia’s work by accident and funny how it’s just what I’ve been starting for first time in my life. I read your reply Jane and your words are exactly where I’m at too. I’m finally surrendering whole-heartedly and with everything I’ve got--to take good care of me. Retire & change a lot of negative thinking and hurtful, no, actually lovingly excuse the many and one-way relationships I’ve invested in and been the only present, contributing party. I just wish I would’ve done this critical work many years ago! Now, it’s long overdue and a lot of trauma and pain by remaining in those relationships! I’m realizing I have been earning the “love” in those relationships because I thought I had in order to be loved. And these boundaries--I was never taught about boundaries or self care. My needs were not even acknowledged or validated, much less met. I’m grateful today that I am healing, and learning now, to honor my own life, my soul and my light here shining here now in this big, vast world. It’s huge for each of us to give this beautiful gift of care to our own selves. Thank you for your words here. Thank you Kristina for giving us the opportunity to learn and grow. 🌸
One of your best videos in my humble opinion. Even though I have great boundaries with people this gave me a whole new perspective on inner boundaries and was a reminder and also very very helpful just in general. I remember I was at a Rite Aid drugstore about a month ago and this guy tried to start an argument with me. And I didn't engage because I knew it wasn't worth it. It's really about picking one's battles. Some are just better left with me walking away and not saying anything.
😊 soo... i clicked this video bc your face made me smile! The thumbnail for this video just excudes happiness & self confidence ! Definitely great to see !!
I’m in agreement about not arguing about issues on social media if they aren’t community related. However If you are on a community page and the issue isn’t being properly represented, it’s important to speak the truth on pressing issues that affect lives. In fact I wish more people would speak up.
I agree. I try to be very selective tho. I might join a thread where the folks seem reasonable and I try not to comment on the ones that are obviously just inciting people to argue or just trying to provoke me to anger etc. or those who are giving off a too defensive or argumentative vibe.
Thank you that was very helpful, I have ADHD and with that I have emotional hypersensitivity, so I can be triggered easily and lose it. Im going to learn to say no more often as I resent having to please everyone, Im going to look after myself better, mentally and physically and not allow people to push me around. The criticise me for everything I do, I just seem to get everything wrong, when I try to get it right. Mt husband has left me because of this recently, so I need to make changes for the future me!!
I can't offer friends or family "visits or vacations at my home" they are quite upset. Yet they never invite me out or to their homes. My health is not good right now. I just beat cancer, have immune compromised issues and don't have the energy for company right now, much less the energy for in person long conversations. Definitely no overnight visitors. I said no & stuck to it. I doubt if they will ever ask again, but I had to protect my energy & health. I had to put myself first, for the first time.
"Don't offer things that you really don't want to do." The feeling when the person says yes is dread and resentment afterwards. Thanks Julia for the reminder. I just had to laugh at myself on this one.
glad this one connecting - a sneaky one - isn't it?
Ooh yes! I would seriously prefer someone just not make the offer in the first place than resent me and grumble behind my back. Years ago my partner and I had travel plans and we received a gushing email invite from someone to please come stay at their house. We felt uncomfortable but accepted so as not to seem rude (another boundary??) and for 2 nights only. We later learned that whilst we were travelling there, this person had phoned a mutual friend freaking out and bemoaning we had put this on her, creating the impression we had pressured her to provide us with free accommodation! She even gave us her bedroom and slept in her spare room, which really wasn't necessary at all. So awkward, never again!
@james2774 thank you for sharing. I seem to regularly get ghosted by "friendly" acquaintances after I so much as share something like am feeling stressed at work. Yet like you, people put the most unbelievably hectic stuff on me and just expect me to not only be cool with it, but to fix it for them! If you find a support group for people like us, please let me know! Meanwhile, I have begun trying to set boundaries by not engaging too much too early, even when initially it makes me feel like a b*.
@james2774 It seems like whatever a person's circumstances or limitations, they just KNOW we are a willing recipient. I am reminded of a lady in our neighbourhood who had deep and obvious mental and emotional problems... but somehow she still knew not to f* with my husband and how to control herself in his presence, then load it all on me when she managed to get me alone, telling me stuff that is quite unrepeatable here. I know she was sick, but even so. This is but one prime example!
I’ve had the same problem in the past too. Don’t trust anyone with personal information until you get to know if they’re trustworthy or not.
Some people will gossip about you to others. A lot of people don’t want to hear about other people’s problems.
Also, avoid people who use you to dump their issues on. They’re selfish users.
Man you changed my life, your vedios have changed my personality 360 in just a month. I learnt things that my mom never taught me, I'm 16 and my life has gotten so better. I have become confident and got rid of overthinking because of you.
Thank you so much Julia💖💖
Same! Who knew anxiety and overthinking was from lack of boundaries and knowing how to react. I wish I would’ve known all of this at 16 tho I’m just learning at 22
1. 2:58 To not engage in unhelpful conversations - intentional non engagement
2. 5:33 You don’t need to argue with people on the internet
3. 7:20 Turn notifications off/leave devices in another room
4. 9:44 space to prioritize health
5. 13:47 Do not make offers that you secretly want to be declined- it’s actually lying
6. 16:49 don't agree to things you don't want to do. Thanks @FIRE QUEEN
7. 19:00 Take a step back to cool down before you respond when you are triggered
Couldn’t find seven but thank you 🙏 I’ve been learning some of these unwittingly this year! Thank goodness 😅
Thank you for this
Thank you!
16:49 don't agree to things you don't want to do.
@@Fire-Queen Oh thanks! I must have grouped it with the offers one! :)
Hvala vam Marija. I ja sam isto bila nasla 6 :-)
My name is Lisa & I am 51 years old. My mother didn’t teach or model anything healthy
I am on my journey to learn & teach my adult children
Same here. So good we are breaking the cycle :)
Like Basically We raised ourselves.
My college friends would call me, "orphan."😣
My healthy boundaries are being distant and not being sucked in onto her guilt tripping and emotial abuse.
She has and always will defend her husband. She did it w me and did it w her grandchildren.
Same here, im 18, my mother too like yours didn't model anything , didn't set any standards , didn't do anything for me in short than just afford the basic material things required. I raised myself up since I was small and my grandparents played the role in my life that my parents should have , it's tough , but it gets easier over time
Me too. 🙏🏼
Same.
I have a family member I have stopped engaging with. Every exchange is like a snake bite response from them. I’ve tried using positive tone of voice, positive words, and sincere interest. No good. I get no eye contact, one word responses, or snarky responses. Forty years of this roller coaster is enough. Finally feeling control over my responses and the impact of this person in my life. It helps that my husband sees it and supports me.
“Create boundaries around not making offers that you hope will be declined” - WOW. Felt so embarrassed, humbled, & seen altogether. Soaking in your words and taking some time for introspection. Grateful for your wisdom!
Hey everyone my name is Santos. So glad i found this community. In the last year i found out i am super codependent highy empathetic and married to a soul crushing highly narcissistic serial cheater. Yeah. So thats fun. This one of the only places i have been able to start getting myself together and. Start to heal
The same here. I am codependent. I am with severely highly narcissistic. After we got engaged the next day he sending me with a woman that he was cheating s******** I am slowly trying to escape. So I truly are you feel. God bless
@@marrylee6746 stay strong 💪 I feel for you. Mine was all golden period and love bombing but once we got married I was old and boring and then the pain started, devalueing and all the rest. Learn all you can study study. And my mantra I try and say this to myself everyday and so should you. "This is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you "
Same situation here. I am getting stronger everyday.
I was just thinking last night that enough is enough and currently creating a plan of action - super relevant.
yes! so good.
I just lost a friend of 16 years because a lack of boundaries never being set. And currently I’m a fight with a friend now and was wondering about the boundaries I want to set. Thank you. Very relevant
Glad this connected.
If you get to resolve the issues with your friend I will be so glad and happy for you both
??, good luck and live long and prosper friend 😊❤
To be able listen to your talks is one of the most valuable things I have. Thank u Julia from the bottom of my heart
Glad you're here - and thank you for your kindness.
Hi, hello. I am a former people pleaser. Learning and growing. Boundaries and Reciprocity have been my theme words since 2020! I am glad to be here. 👋🏽👋🏽
"Sometimes we win &
sometimes we... learn" What a wise overcoming attitude! Love it & your videos! Thank you all your help, insight,& wisdom! You are a treasure, Julia Kristina!
Arguing with people on the internet - or gaming (which can be quite toxic) - and not engaging is something I recently stopped doing and it feels great. Even sometimes if I write something and then I get a notification they replied, I don't even look at it and I just set it to not show me notifications for that post. What a win. If someone gives you something and you don't accept it, who is left with it? What bothers them even more is being ignored and not having a voice. That's the strength.
Through my Life especially in the last 4 months hearing
“We all have to do things we don’t want. to do in our life”
or
“You need to Grow Up”
I’m doing better today bc I know my past isn’t My Present. I’m so grateful to see how you Help so many make their Life Better🤗
"Do not make offers that you secretly hope to be declined" Wow this blew my mind 🤯. I constantly doing this especially at work because I want and hope people accept me and like me more because of this. Thank you for letting me realize this one, simple thing that actually makes me unhappy and tired ❤
This month I'm not touching my phone atleast an hour after waking up 🙏 if I use my phone early in the day, the whole day passes in a reactive state which hinders my ability to work in my art. Thank you for this video ❤
I love this strategy.
@@juliakristinamah 2 weeks in, going strong 🙏❤
As a chronic insomniac who also has anxiety and trouble wanting to get out of bed, although I have a meditation technique that’s low tech, I’ve found some channels with sleep talk downs and very relaxing waking up meditations and affirmations, and that’s why I keep my iPad next to me in bed. Also, I don’t have an actual alarm clock, so I use the one on the computer for that if I need to be up at a certain time.
I sometimes forget to turn on the do not disturb setting for the phone app, and then get rudely awoken the next day before I’m ready to wake up.
@@diatribe5 hope you manage to develop a healthy relationship with your phone 🙏
"Do not make offers you hope will be declined" That's a whole word right there ... preach, sis, preach! 👏 👏👏
“Taking a step back.. breathe.. readdress later”! So wise.. wish I would have done this years ago..I completed your Boundaries Course.. totally worth it and life changing! Thanks so much for your help and encouragement!❤️🌸
Good for your for doing this work now and not years from now. Glad you're here Perez.
Yes ! I need to set boundaries. I need healthy boundaries.
So excited to hear your thoughts as always!! Boundaries are so incredibly important 💕
Now I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
@@juliakristinamah I think I do a good job never arguing with people on the Internet and keeping my phone on do not disturb usually and checking it sparingly! Lately I’ve started to go out and do walks/runs after work since I’m working most of the day, but need to make it more of a consistent routine
I've learned not to engage with closeminded people, as soon as I realize nothing will change your mind then I lose all interest in the conversation and openly cut the line and draw to a close. Things are so much better this way.
This is the best I've heard! To take responsibility and NOT have guilt!
Just wanted to thank you so very much for your advice. My 42 year old daughter uses me, manipulates me, and makes me feel guilty when I say no. I'm so glad I discovered your channel. It's just what I need to hear to be able to stand up for myself because I'm a people pleaser and feel bad when I say no. Thanks again.
I’ve definitely noticed that “agreeing to things you don’t want to do” or people pleasing is expected more so out of women. And this isn’t a rant but an observation. I was taught as a young girl to be polite and to serve others (part of my faith that has been taken out of context). As a result I became a bit of a people pleaser because I thought being polite and serving others meant just saying “yes” to everything. I was taught to put others needs above my own and I never learned that I could have a balance of doing for others AND myself. This is very helpful! Thank you so much.
Happy music raises your energy vibration which attracts positivity 🥰
A very lovely coworker showed me your channel and I am just starting to binge your channel and I LOVE IT! 💜
Healthy boundaries are important for everyone. Thanks Julia.
I am learning boundaries this last few months, it took its toll on my health now i am dealing with bigger problems of my own.
Oh. My. Gosh.
‘Don’t offer to do things when you hope the person will decline your offer!
Mind. Blown. 🤯 In a great way! 😄
Thank you!!!
Xxxoo I adore you! I have been a people pleaser as the middle child of 8 kids. This spoke to me! The resentment is real!
This is extremely solid advice. Put your phone down, don't offer thing you don't want to do, and physical activity are all thing I could identify with. Thank you for the videos.
Good morning, I have been on a healing journey for the past two years, your videos are so helpful as I am learning to grow, change and love myself.
Heyy everyone! I’m Lucienne and I’m new here! I’m so excited that I found this channel to further understand what’s best for me whether it be boundaries or anything that will help me uncover a healthy way of living.😍🥳
Greetings from Costa Rica, I'm Julio César. Thanks for been such an amazing person who helps the rest of us. I love your content. As we say here in Costa Rica, you are Pura vida!!!
Thanks Julio! Glad you're here.
Thanks for keeping your videos ad free. I enjoy listening while meditating and your videos allow me to enjoy without skipping ads. Love your advice.
i love it when u talk about empowering people,.. its so helpful,. ;-)
I love doing it. Thanks for being here.
Thank you Julia! I ended a relationship last year and realized how seriously I lack boundaries and so I am intentionally working on that and this certainly helps. More power😀
Be careful though not to stonewall or give the silent treatment. I've been on the receiving end of those, and it is the worst kind of abuse. Compassion is most important.
I have too. I
Ditto
You are a life saver. I let people cross my boundries so much that I became shaky and stressed 24/7 person. Now I know what to do. Thank you so much ❤
Living it!!!!!! Thanks for all your reaffirmations!!!! I knew it! Namaste!!! Been a long hard journey by with remaining self-aware, my own internal parenting-love of self... creating boundaries and learning to say no... survivor now thrives ..my resilience and autonomy have set me free! Thank You!
"If I will not be for myself than who will be for me?" We only get one trip around the sun in this universe --why waste it? :)
Great video!
Yes when you decide not to engage it feels powerful and good until you are around those friends or family members whose personality wants to win so bad in front of an audience and can’t stand to look foolish that they will keep taking jabs at you or even making remarks about you “pretending not to hear them” or “you must be getting angry” or questioning “why you wont answer their obnoxious question” or any comment to rile you up and make you look like the problem where its literally awkward for the entire group and ruining the mood but no one is willing to speak up to tell the person they are wrong, going too far and need to chill. Its obvious the instigator is insecure so they try to focus on whats wrong with someone else in the group if they think they can get away with it. 🙄
Wow! You said a mouthful. Why don't you call out the silent ones for not stepping up to protect you (or anyone else for that matter that is being attacked.). That is called justice! Justice means protecting the innocent!...and that's you! Question: Are these people really your friends??? Maybe you need to find a new set of much better people for friends.
Youre a lifesaver. Feels like Im chipping away at the metaphorical stone im dragging around when I watch your vids.
Thank you! This was super helpful. I forwarded it to my sister as well. I would love for you to do a video on dealing with the fear and anxiety surrounding aging/life passing by so quickly
thank you Meaghan - that means a lot. And yes, I will consider doing a video on that - thanks for the suggestion.
"not my circus, not my monkeys" = my new mantra 😂😊
That really hit home for me also. I think just saying that out loud even (or in your head if you can't out loud) will really change your through process. Like - why am I doing this? I also love how she said that energy could be put to making the world a better place. For every moment we are engaging in that BS - we could be doing something great.
😅 right !!!! 🎉🎉
You draw my attention to saying things I don’t want to do. I definitely need to work on that. Thank you!
That's a tricky little one, isn't it?
@@juliakristinamah the problem when you say it you know that you don’t want to do it. But a different force within you push you to say it. Exactly same as you have described in your video, pleasing or you want someone to be happy but you haven’t calculate it right 😩. I will try to postpone my offers until I am sure about it.
Great advice! Move your body, nourish your body, rest your body❣🙏
So I have been directed here by a dear friend of mine, who used this resource to work through some deep stuff. I'm hooked! I certainly have a hard time with my boundaries, both with other people (namely NPD /untreated BPD/ DID people) and with myself. I've had enough encounters that I can't help but think to myself at times, 'why haven't you learned your lesson!' I over extend, ignore red flags and give empathy to the point where it overrules my spidey senses.... 'I should have see it coming'...then found myself gaslit, devalued and discarded. I know, I'm a kind, loving, strong and intelligent woman, with so much love and support to give. But to the point where I don't protect myself from the types of personalities that, in the end, make me feel awful..... So....this is exactly where I need to be right now. I'm willing to do the work, willing to grow and be a stronger, more emotionally intelligent version of myself. THANK YOU SO MUCH
Hello, my name is Cristal and I really struggle with boundaries but it is something I am currently working on. I have a friend that has no boundaries at all. I am struggling with finding ways to tell her to respect my privacy and to not text me multiple times every day. It’s so overwhelming.
I just found your videos and they are amazing and exactly what I need. I will definitely be looking into your workbooks. 😊
Oh my! Have you ever told your friend that? I am going to ask my friends if they're not telling me anything, because friends normally text each other often unless they aren't high on the list or you need time alone.
Thanks for this. I have personally found this information very timely.
I'm really glad to hear that.
So glad I came across this video! I am the oldest of 4 siblings and the only one that have kids.
I have been trying to set boundaries with all of my siblings and everyone is on board except for the second oldest. After watch this video & another video of yours, I know exactly what needs to be done. Thank you for taking the time to post your videos! ❤
I'm in AA and currently working on myself for myself. Loving your channel yes loving myself and creating the best version of myself thank you glad I found you ! I'm finding your videos really helpful .thank you!
Congratulations 🎉
1 and 6 resonated the most with me. Recently I've actually applied these. I had to discern recently and walk away from being triggered into an argument with a narcissist. It felt empowering! I'm so glad this video showed up in my feed. Thank you so much! 🙏🏼❤
I'm Alex, i'm 25. The stuff I went through was terrifying and was pretty much torture. I'm tired of being bullied and taken advantage of and im hopeful to learn about new boundaries i can set.
You got this alex
Exactly! I had enough extremeness so far and I am in love balance, peace and boundary work. After listening this I feel like my heart is breathing. Thank you for this video which I need the most right now.
I'm so happy to hear that, and am happy you're here.
i like how you pointed out that you also need that boundary to make space for your physical well being. since working from home, i feel like i'm always working or thinking about work that the only time i set aside for myself is just enough to get some sleep. i realize i set boundaries on some people/task so i can make space for other tasks all for work rather than making space for myself. its a hard habit to break when everything feels urgent or important.
also, new here... hello!
Helpful video！Thank you. Sometimes I know I shouldn't allow myself to go with my feelings because things will always get very exhausting. But I couldn't help doing those things I shouldn't do. I need more practice on these boundaries.
Hi Julia ! Im Roni from Brazil... And I'd like to let you know I'm your fan. I learn a lot with you about tons of things related to relationship and how to engage with society.... Also I'm studying English and way to gesticulate the words give clear examples about whatever you're talking about helps a lot. Thank you for being so dedicated to help people from all over the world.
God bless you
I wanted to say your way to gesticulate words helps a lot .
I need to make a boundary with getting sucked into my own head. I try to keep busy with virtual events and videos like yours, but even that doesn't feel like enough sometimes with the stress of staying in a hotel while waiting to foreclose on my first piece of property which will hopefully happen within the next month.
congratulations! This is very exciting.
Julia your videos, especially the one on boundaries have changed my life and are just what I need. I watch them every day. They have taught me that i need to be more patient with myself when I have feelings and not to judge myself. Love your videos and cant wait to become a shifter.
Oh my goodness this happens to not just my Husband & I but with people around us just coming up & constantly talking to us about their troubles in their life when my Husband & I have things on our minds that we need to get done in our lives which lately because I am that tired of listening to them I just let them know I am busy getting things done for myself so my life is good because if I don't do for myself then my life isn't good for me because I am allowing them space in my life which I Don't have time for became it delays me. & Then my Husband & I will get into a conversation that doesn't even have anything to do with what we are doing to improve so I will just walk away from him lately just to get my part done so I can keep helping us to improve so we can keep going forward. So this one really hit home with me ❤️ Thank You Julia 😊 Love you 😊
Hi Julia,
Just a short introduction from me. I live in the South Island of New Zealand and have only just recently started watching your videos. Liking what I see so far. Thanks.
Really great info! Digging in deeper with my OWN boundaries- yes's and no's - especially if inside I don't want to. Being ok with that NO! ❤
Of course we need boundaries and we need to stand strong to them when we create them.
Thanks for sharing this this because I end up arguing and defending myself,but then being told to stop
Since I stopped arguing over Politics on the internet and watching the news I found a newfound peace in my life
Hi Julia I have always appreciated your videos this is Silas I've had a rough couple years I have smashed several phones my last phone I could not set up I could not like or subscribe I have c-ptsd autism and head injuries and this has been a very difficult town the good news is the people are so miserable here nobody wants to live here and as of now we have zero covid-19 cases just wanted to let you know I was okay and how grateful I am to you for taking the time to do these 🌈🏞😁
I'm on my way to improving myself for my health and well being. very helpful video . Thank-You!
Not my circus, not my monkeys. 🤣 I use it sometimes and love it!
This subject goes so deep and reminded me of Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love and Freedom Hidden Within Painful Feelings.
There is this paragraph were he talks about boundaries
''Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you.
The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation.''
I truly appreciate you. I have been subscribed for a while. I just want to again let you know how significant your work is.
I told my family and certain friend I need a break because they were triggering past traumas-(Molestation,TBI,etc..)
Thank you. I really need help setting boundaries. And putting myself first.
I really need to put myself first instead of giving in to the idea that I need to save people, which makes me feel that I´m less than them and I don´t deserve any attention from myself. Need to take ´good care´of myself, as you very well said. Thank you for your videos!! Greetings from Buenos Aires, Argentina :)
Listening to this and another video helped me to think about places where I have developed good habits for boundaries and where I haven’t figured it out yet. It is interesting. I think I take for granted that I made choices about certain things some years ago and worked hard to find a way to set a birdbath for myself to not let others affect my view of the day at the start, for example. I am remembering now that I had to take a few steps to prepare my attitude and take action to keep that boundary. No wonder I have had more satisfaction and success in my professional life than in some other areas where I have struggled more to do that work. Wow what an eye opener.
I really love this video re: BOUNDARIES this resonates so much with me bcoz there is someone offering me a job that I cannot fulfill which not my interest to do wth other people like creating/ manisfesting something what If it didn’t came true whos to blame I dont want to be blame for the task that I dont want perform for other people. I am a private person it is not my job to do for the welfare of other peoples lives too, I dont feel gulty to the task that I dont want to do, bcoz it is not my personality. I have my own life to live on my own rights without feeling bad for other people needs... I know what life‘s ahead of me and what direction Im taking I am with my true family we‘re accountable / responsible with our own success and not with other peoples lives.
I really enjoy your expertise and your delivery. It's so positive to remember that many women (and men) struggle with many of the *same* issues.
Another good video, thanks. I do the promise stuff I don't want to do because I just feel obligated to help and I just put it ahead of how I might feel.
is there another way?
@@juliakristinamah your question made me really think. Maybe this isn't exactly the situation you were talking about, because I just feel a lot of empathy for people and weather I want to do something or not I just feel if I don't help it won't get done. I have in the last couple years not said anything sometimes, so I guess that's another way.
Thank you Julia. I find your videos very helpful. I didn't know that stopping notifications from Facebook was a way of setting boundaries, it's good to know. Interestingly I had done just that a few months ago as I was tired of being interrupted by all the FB notifications every time I looked at my phone, and lots of junk emails. All spam goes diverted straight into the spam folder unopened. I spend my time the way I choose to spend it now :-)
yes! So good.
Boundaries have been missing in so many of our relationships. But what I am experiencing in the past several months is people who use the concept of boundaries as weapons. Rather than have a meaningful discussion people have been throwing up a "boundary" flag in anger. Does that make sense? How can we possibly work through issues when people keep getting triggered and use the concept of a boundary as a way to not discuss?
I agree - that's not what boundaries are meant for. That's not a boundary, that's avoidance.
So true “toxic”
People are not well versed and educated in boundaries and it seems to be trendy to just “demand” things when people don’t know how to reasonably ask for things.
Online esp they “block” or “cancel” someone out of ego butt hurt. (Such as a differing opinion or the like). We may walk away or block just for the sake of personal peace or safety tho. There is a difference imo.
I know what you mean because we really aren't taught how to communicate well and work out problems.Il
If I can't communicate safely with you I won't be able to talk to you to work anything out.Right? If you vex my spirit and we can't get to the bottom of it...
If you do deliberate attacking , manipulating and sketchy behavior you won't change...you gotta go!
Yep family and friends need to obey and stop stepping over boundaries
Hey 👋, Sean, happy to be here and be a part of the community. Looking to better myself and listen and share with others.
I appreciate you looking at things in an alternative way. like "Not for technologies convenience" I turned off notifications it's the best! Space to prioritize your health WOW!! like I knew it but needed permission! plus more insights thanks!
Hi there!! My name is Dara! And I'm learning for the first time of my life to set boundaries to myself and with the people surround me this will be a very challenging thing to do since I've recognize that I'm a people pleaser and for me it's very hard to say no! Thank you so much Julia for this video, I really appreciate it I have a notebook in which I'm writing down all the boundaries that I need for myself and I am adding the ones that you were talking about taking a step back and answer later, not offering things that you don't really wanna do, and saying no😊 Again, thank you so much and I'm looking forward to learn more from you! Blessings ❣️☺️
I love all your videos I’m not sure what I would do with out them. You’ve made me feel so much better about myself by watching your videos.
Thank You Julia Kristina For Your Helpful Videos.
About being authentic!
Hi Julia, I'm Jane, so glad I found you here on youtube especially now during this covid crisis as I'm finding myself reflecting on my unhealthy relationship patterns of behaving which are holding me back in life, but recognise it's me and time to rewire. Your advice and insight is like healing balm. I appreciate your no nonsense, straightforward way of explaining things. Thank you it's just what I've been looking for
Me too exactly! I found Julia’s work by accident and funny how it’s just what I’ve been starting for first time in my life. I read your reply Jane and your words are exactly where I’m at too. I’m finally surrendering whole-heartedly and with everything I’ve got--to take good care of me. Retire & change a lot of negative thinking and hurtful, no, actually lovingly excuse the many and one-way relationships I’ve invested in and been the only present, contributing party. I just wish I would’ve done this critical work many years ago! Now, it’s long overdue and a lot of trauma and pain by remaining in those relationships! I’m realizing I have been earning the “love” in those relationships because I thought I had in order to be loved. And these boundaries--I was never taught about boundaries or self care. My needs were not even acknowledged or validated, much less met. I’m grateful today that I am healing, and learning now, to honor my own life, my soul and my light here shining here now in this big, vast world. It’s huge for each of us to give this beautiful gift of care to our own selves. Thank you for your words here. Thank you Kristina for giving us the opportunity to learn and grow. 🌸
Hello. My sister gave me your link. I’m a 67 yo male, continually learning.
One of your best videos in my humble opinion. Even though I have great boundaries with people this gave me a whole new perspective on inner boundaries and was a reminder and also very very helpful just in general. I remember I was at a Rite Aid drugstore about a month ago and this guy tried to start an argument with me. And I didn't engage because I knew it wasn't worth it. It's really about picking one's battles. Some are just better left with me walking away and not saying anything.
SOUNDS MORE LIKE REPARENTING OR PARENTING YOURSELF. THANK YOU ANGELA
One thing I did is set my phone to automatically do not disturb from 8pm-8am and turned off all notifications.
😊 soo... i clicked this video bc your face made me smile! The thumbnail for this video just excudes happiness & self confidence ! Definitely great to see !!
I am so happy I found your videos! Super helpful! Thanks Julia
This is so important! Thank you for the great video, we all need good boundaries.
Thank you again! We love watching you!❤
Thanks Mama! Always good to have you here.
Thank you, Julia, love what you do here for all your listeners.
I’m in agreement about not arguing about issues on social media if they aren’t community related. However If you are on a community page and the issue isn’t being properly represented, it’s important to speak the truth on pressing issues that affect lives. In fact I wish more people would speak up.
I agree. I try to be very selective tho. I might join a thread where the folks seem reasonable and I try not to comment on the ones that are obviously just inciting people to argue or just trying to provoke me to anger etc. or those who are giving off a too defensive or argumentative vibe.
Thank you that was very helpful, I have ADHD and with that I have emotional hypersensitivity, so I can be triggered easily and lose it. Im going to learn to say no more often as I resent having to please everyone, Im going to look after myself better, mentally and physically and not allow people to push me around. The criticise me for everything I do, I just seem to get everything wrong, when I try to get it right. Mt husband has left me because of this recently, so I need to make changes for the future me!!
"Boundaries are where I still love you while loving myself"
Thank you Julia Kristina.