Mine too! This channel is life changing. I've had years of therapy which turned out to be an expensive bandaid. I also chose a career as a Paramedic which comes with its own special trauma. Can't stop listening.
Watching from Norway and I’m so grateful that I found this channel. I’m 50+ years of age and have finally found a solemn, wise and well-informed explanation to my inner shame and pain. I have been searching for answers and have found it through these lectures. I’m watching and learning, crying and healing. Thank you so much mr. Fletcher🙏
I’m also with you on this door 🚪 I kept knocking and kept knocking and finding so many doors that I could never get in . This door 🚪 finally was the answer and with Jesus Christ opening it freely and to receive freely .
I'm not sure how there's only 2k who watched this. This is some of the best lectures I've seen for complex trauma. Very good. Thank you for sharing. How can one begin to try to address this? I noticed this at 40 ... Plz help
Please share the wide and far. Being a Christian for over 40 years but this man’s lectures/sermons are busy changing my life and giving me answers for my own path of healing of complex trauma. Thank you soo much🙏
The very foundations of American and Canadian culture are based on predation. For there to be widespread acceptance and understanding of the transformative psychological ideas presented by Mr. Fletcher, society itself would have to crumble.
I was the designated Scapegoat in my family. It went on for decades into my late adult life. I had to go No Contact with the entire lot of them because my Malignant Narcisist/Borderline mother, who was extremely violent when I was a child, trained the siblings to start attacking me in adulthood. She also poisoned family members and close friends against me. They NEVER change, they get worse with age.
Your story is very similar to mine. I am the only daughter of a narcissist mother who I think has borderline or hypomania bipolar. She would never go to a therapist of course. She literally hated me even as an infant and I believe she would have killed me, but she needed to trap my dad into supporting her. She was cruel all my life, using my brothers to help her make fun of me. She also told relatives lies to make them think I am a horrible person. She is 78 now and no repentence in sight. You made correct choice going no contact. I hope I can someday.
I hope you are healing and doing well now that you've separated from them. If God is all you have left, it's because God is all you need🙏🏾. Stay safe and God bless you
you mean even the flying monkeys never change and just get worse with age ?? I thought I had to save them from the narc, but is that a useless endeavour ??
I was never allowed to say no to my mom. Not as a child, not as an adult, she made me feel guilty. When I felt frustrated because I had to do things I didn’t want, my mom said he felt so uncomfortable because I was nerves and frustrated. Now I am a yes person, and I feel guilty when I say no.
I didn’t even know that I could have boundaries… I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries while I lived at home. My parents were ultra strict. It was their way or my brother and I were punished beyond measure. He’s an alcoholic and I am a workaholic, people pleaser. Today, I have a few boundaries which is an improvement over no boundaries
Were you living under my bed? Lol My exact same experience BUT I healed. Where are you in your recovery? This man saved my life. Can you believe that I am certified to do the same thing and I am going to pay this forward.🙌🏽👑💜👑 #happy healing #happy Friday
I'm sure I've infringed on my kids boundaries at some point, probably without realizing it... But I am so grateful that the extreme boundary violations I had as a kid caused me to respect my kids boundaries as a general rule. I've never gone exploring through their rooms or read their journals. I also never placed a drop of shame on sexuality, and explained what happened with circumcision and apologized if I got the decision wrong, letting them know I consulted the men in the family and they all unanimously said yes and offered to pay for it... I also researched vaccination so in depth and saw so much foul play and corruption, that I didn't infringe on their right to decide for themselves, as they had way stronger immunity than most other kids... I think I over shared some stuff though and it wasn't clear to me where the line was on that... And I had some sergeant mom moments, but I always considered the fragility of an external locus of control... That one day I wouldn't be there and it has to come from the inside. I'm probably unaware of some harm I've caused, but I think the worst of it was the only two people I had willing to watch my twins so I could have some moments to decompress were narcissists. They damaged one of my boys really badly and I handed them over to these people cuz I had no idea how else to manage with them on my own. My greatest regrets with my kids are the people I allowed them to be exposed to, and how ineffective I was at find them good role models... Where I go easy on myself is that I was only 22 when I was assaulted and I had no professional help or real life support to single parent twins. I was alone with two infants who were the opposite gender, so there were loads of ways I had no idea what I was doing and the way I managed, all things considering with my CPTSD, from a young age, I did really good. Most wouldn't have the constitution to pull it off the way I did under the circumstances I faced. Now I just gotta go help clean up the messes I was part of and as I heal me, help my kids see a path to healing for themselves and be there waiting to dive into every hurtful thing they need to tell me, so we can all be free and the day I have grand babies will be the start of the generation that broke free of multigenerational trauma. Healthy me. Help my kids. Healthy grandkids. That's the plan... Then show others how I did it. How many families can we help break free?
It’s beautiful that you’re willing to acknowledge what you did well and also ways you could’ve done things better. My mom will not under any circumstances acknowledge her neglect of us 4 of her children. My sister even wrote her a letter expressing her feelings and my mom ripped it up, cursed her out and through the pieces of the letter out of the car window as she drove off. My husband’s mom told him while she was living with us that if he and his sister had told her that they’re father was dangerous she would’ve divorced him way before. Like seriously blame your kid for you remaining with a man who stole food with nothing else to eat, smoked crack, utilities constantly being shut off and them having to witness his rage as well as hers. My mother in-law and mom both blame their husbands for everything. Not cool at all. I admire that you are compassionate towards your children and take ownership of your own actions while raising them. They are very fortunate to have you. 🌸 💗
You are a warrior and the fact that you are willing to acknowledge possible mistakes will offer so much healing for your children in the years and generations to come! Way to go!!!
@amberscottcmt7400 YOU are a beautiful role model!! 💗 Even though it's been 3 years, your comment here is still reaching people like me - thank you for your willingness to share, and in doing so, uplifting others with a transparently beautiful example of what it looks like to be a good human, reaching for growth through love, knowledge, experience...thank you! I'm glad you exist, and hope you are finding complete healing and making meaningful memories along your journey!! 😊
Tim Fletcher. You are an angel. ❤Your wisdom and messages are so powerful. I am deeply grateful for these videos. Thank you so much. Deep gratitude! ❤❤❤
Wow he broke this down PERFECTLY! I never understood why I was so rebellious in my childhood up until now. My parents were never on the same page and both had a different set of boundaries for me but they weren’t cohesive with them. So I knew how to work around them!
Thank you Tim I am 73 yrs young and have had a life of complete trauma since 3 years of age ..your teachings resonate with me ..and are helping me ..thank you so much ..
If I went out on a coffee date or a dinner date with a boy (in college), my parents would reprimand me for two hours. If my siblings went to the club, went out all night, had loud, obnoxious house parties (also still living with my parents), they were ok. I definitely learned to rebel and started looking for others to try to please instead. And this led to me marrying a boy with narcissistic traits and marrying into his family of narcissists. After years of work on self-acceptance, I'm starting to find myself, my passions, and my purpose again.
This makes sense of why my partner that was suffering so much & said he would always be bending over to what the more assertive person want’s. His people pleasing started to hurt my feelings. He just took trying to talk about this as criticism. He really did repress everything. He left so quick & really showed how avoidant he was .
I was molested by my father’s brother. I’m 60. My parents don’t believe me. No proof! I live with my parents because I had to leave my marriage of 40 years. I ended up in the hospital. My parents still try to control. I know the my way or highway one well. I am learning boundaries and sticking to them. I’m losing people because of it and it’s painful! You have explained all this really well! I’m finally realizing all this and healing. My parents treat me like I’m a child! When in fact they are only 23 years older than me! It’s more unhealthy for me. The tv thing omg!
This is exactly how my family was! Shame, guilt, fear, inconsistent/reactive rules. There was never a question of what is going on? How can I help you? We were just constantly taught that we were the problem My mom barged into my room all the time and if I'd ever communicate that I needed my own space, she would get upset with me.
This is the most helpful video I’ve ever watched you helped me to understand myself as a mom as a child as a wife and now I have tools to change thank you!!!
I struggle so much to not pleasing others because I fall into my other side which is to be against all authority. It is the same thing… pleasing and comply, or go always against and rebel. It’s like 100/100, black or white. The struggle is to be in balance and reconciliate both.
I will only try to express how you (Tim Fletcher) have brought so much value back to my life. The easy to understand lessons and explanations are to my soul like a well needed and search out hug from an angel. Your gift of knowledge on these matters should be taught to every teenage, parent and law enforcement agency. The church already has you 🙏🏼❤
Lesson i learned this month! Sit and watch… I’m so quick to invite people places, buy thing for ppl just because they mentioned it, drive everyone , buy food I just sit in wait to see if the gesture would be return (over months) I don’t get invited, I don’t get food, I don’t get gifts or if I mention stuff it’s just a mention 🤷🏼♀️ My lesson stop being nice which causes me to be sad Care for me that’s it.
Your values will be different than your friends so consider that they might value something like, time or praise more highly and in turn don't recognize how much you value gifts and rides. The video mentions that our upbringing can cause us to open our hearts completely with no boundaries or close them completely in an effort to enforce them. I've learned that I will not get certain things out of some relationships because they refuse to give it and sometimes because they never had it to give. Some friendships I end due to this and others I adjust. I won't get Mental Health reassurance from the parents, but I do get other things from our relationship. I adjusted and stopped seeking advice and started shutting down bad unsolicited advice politely and firmly. Can you adjust with your friends? Stop buying gifts and stop expecting it back? Could the friendship work on that level?
I was always terrified by how my dad would react to something.. and I remember always trying to console him whether my dad and mom fought. My would run off crying… my dad would come Mr down shirtless to yell at my friends. Also I never felt like my opinions mattered..
In the past my mom punished me with silent treatment. The worst experience was that I had to redo a year again because my grades weren't good enough to enter a higher graduation. My mom didn't talk to me the whole weekend even when I tried talking to her. Now whenever there are conflicts, even with friends, I fear that they will ignore or leave me behind. I'm trying to heal that part of me
I once sat together with my mom and talked about the silence treatment and she explained that she got beaten as a child and she doesn't want to do the same mistake as her parents that's why she went silent to calm herself down first. But she agreed that it was wrong of her in the past and I also got to understand her side as well. But still I have to heal a lot from it
I have a twin who always attacks, argues and insults ! This was not trauma.. I went on to travel, explore, and did something different with my life... He did his thing.. I did mine ! We are both ok... Stop playing a victim.. it takes two to tango ! Try to see both sides !
My narc parents said, 'If you can't think of a reason to not do whatever, I'll give you one, and proceeded to whip us with his leather belt. And so much more. And claimed to be clueless about why I cut them off.
Is not always personal how the jws behave is the programming of the organization the doctrines are harmful and you notice a pattern among jw members theyalmostbehave the samr way@@wolfrahmphosphoros5808
In my previous relationship, one of partner 's boundaries was that I could not ask him any personal question. He likened it to hurting him and abuse. We wete dating for 3 months,at the time and I respected it but broke up w/him month 5. By then the m as sk was non-existent
Dr. Fletcher you are very good what you are saying is absolutely clarity. When you tell the science it is very helpful. But when you connect the topic with the religious teachings and stories it is aslo confusing and making dwelling the normal people to that influence. Mixing and connecting the science with the religious things is creating confusions only. ❌yi
say I'm expressing boundaries in a fair and reasonable way and that person won't work with me. My Partner is boundary-less and a people pleaser so his secrets are maintained by their dishonesty.
Re "the forbidden thing". A very big part of the problem is so few have a good explanation as to why a thing is forbidden. Platitudes and appeals to the majority are flung around and if you have an above average brain you will be needing good reasons and there are no good reasons - just a lot of stupid, intellectually cowardly and dishonest referrals to "authority" (which itself has next to nothing to commend it). One of the quickest things in the universe is a human being finding an excuse to not think.
I LOVE this series of information and the kindness and care that goes into it! But the delivery of info feels so stressful :( I don't know what to do... Is there a transcription of your talks anywhere kind sir?!
very good video but it doesn't actually explain how to stop people-pleasing. people-pleasing is fear-based, so this is said here, but One cannot just switch off fear. how does One communicate a boundary when One is too scared to do it? the video doesn't tell this. regards.
The steps of healing are extremely gradual, and begin with physical distance from the triggering person. If we are in an emotional flashback in which we are reliving the childhood trauma and truly do believe our fear sensations, then it's best to get to a safe place and work through the emotional flashback. You can learn about this in Pete Walker's book cptsd. In this safe space, you can let your inner child out, let her have all of her emotional reactions, and also understand it from your adult logical perspective. This gives you increasingly more understanding of your reactions to people that are trauma-based. Yes, a person and your adult life might be a narcissist, but your reaction to them is usually an emotional flashback since in reality you don't need to be so terrified of them since you're an adult and you can fend for yourself. That being said, this terror needs to be faced very very slowly. It's called titration. And like I said you have to face it by yourself first. If you do feel this terror and you are in the presence of someone that is triggering it, remove yourself quickly and start investigating the experience of this terror in your body through meditation and other practices that make you safe. You have to start with your own body for healing. Where else can you start? The trigge triggered feelings, which are actually emotional flashbacks, occur inside your own body. So to answer your question more broadly, create a distance and a space from whatever is triggering you and feels like it's violating your boundary. As time goes on, you'll be able to have less distance, but you have to practice this diligently.
His lectures build upon each other, so watching only one is not enough to solve deep-seated patterns. I’ve gotten more from his talks on family dysfunction and attachment styles than any therapist I’ve seen over the last two decades. The answers are in awareness of the root of an issue and a change of mindset. Much love!
@@grownknow6857 thank You for your response but this isn't exactly possible. I'll give You an example: I'm out with my Friend, and my Friend wants to coax Me into something I don't wanna do [I actually have a few real-life-examples like that]. I cannot physically walk away because I depend on my Friend for getting back Home because We're in a different town and We've got there by my Friend's car, and I'm scared to refuse because as a Kid I had no right to say "no". another example, very similar: my Housemate is very pushy and wants Me to drink alcohol, but I don't wanna drink-this happened last Christmas. what was I supposed to do-hide in my room and not take part in the Christmas-dinner? -Both of these People are the type of People, Who seem deaf, as when I've said that I don't want to do x, y, z, They just keep pushing. I also had many more experiences with people like that. regards.
We going to fight we fight don't come crying to me later after all you done !!! Oh you this and that and then crying. No no !!! I don't care how many brain washer you send my way. This is the way I am !!! MOVE !!!
Sorry people... Am I the only one who sees that the people who see potential danger in this world.. and step forward to rectify it before it becomes an accident..injury...or death.. are heroes !!! Why is everyone jumping onto the side of this guy as he tells us that people who see potential danger are damaged ??? They are heroes ! and the only ones who realise that are those who are saved ! You all live in a bubble !!! All of you ! Life is not meant to be simple, painless and effortless... and if it is... then that wasn´t life... Go sit in an easychair.. comfortable, safe from harm... and watch these ridiculous video´s saying you are correct... as your life ticks away and you slowly die without having ever lived ! What rubbish !!
But you are done !! Brain washing my son !! And the entire family !! Over something that didn't exist !! A video no one can see anything in. Specially after what your friends did and almost do !! With a story that doesn't match nor makes any sense at all !!!!
Parenting advice is such bullshit. does this guy even have kids? Do all the right things, and watch them not respond in the way you're promised. Just watch.
Respond to the needs. See a child as a human... not someone to bully... it's possible to raise kids without being a dictator but to communicate openly and with respect
Mine too! This channel is life changing. I've had years of therapy which turned out to be an expensive bandaid. I also chose a career as a Paramedic which comes with its own special trauma. Can't stop listening.
Tim and Patrick Teahan I was gifted a few months ago. I guess I wasn't ready to receive but it would have been nice years ago
This guy just explained my entire existence.
God bless you.
Unreal isn’t it.
Same dude .. growing up is hard when you didn't deal with stuff as is it came along
Same here!!😢😂
Watching from Norway and I’m so grateful that I found this channel. I’m 50+ years of age and have finally found a solemn, wise and well-informed explanation to my inner shame and pain. I have been searching for answers and have found it through these lectures. I’m watching and learning, crying and healing. Thank you so much mr. Fletcher🙏
I’m also with you on this door 🚪 I kept knocking and kept knocking and finding so many doors that I could never get in . This door 🚪 finally was the answer and with Jesus Christ opening it freely and to receive freely .
You can get disability In Norway for this probably
@@Clevelandsteamer324 I don't know about that. It's a part of life to heal from traumas.
I'm not sure how there's only 2k who watched this. This is some of the best lectures I've seen for complex trauma. Very good. Thank you for sharing. How can one begin to try to address this? I noticed this at 40 ... Plz help
Check out RE/ACT LIFT on www.timfletcher.ca
@@TimFletcher thank you
Please share the wide and far. Being a Christian for over 40 years but this man’s lectures/sermons are busy changing my life and giving me answers for my own path of healing of complex trauma. Thank you soo much🙏
I know, right?!!!!!
The very foundations of American and Canadian culture are based on predation.
For there to be widespread acceptance and understanding of the transformative psychological ideas presented by Mr. Fletcher, society itself would have to crumble.
I was the designated Scapegoat in my family. It went on for decades into my late adult life. I had to go No Contact with the entire lot of them because my Malignant Narcisist/Borderline mother, who was extremely violent when I was a child, trained the siblings to start attacking me in adulthood. She also poisoned family members and close friends against me. They NEVER change, they get worse with age.
I'm sorry to hear of your pain, but reminded that the perfect Scapegoat brings redemption to the afflicted and brokenhearted.
Your story is very similar to mine. I am the only daughter of a narcissist mother who I think has borderline or hypomania bipolar. She would never go to a therapist of course. She literally hated me even as an infant and I believe she would have killed me, but she needed to trap my dad into supporting her. She was cruel all my life, using my brothers to help her make fun of me. She also told relatives lies to make them think I am a horrible person. She is 78 now and no repentence in sight. You made correct choice going no contact. I hope I can someday.
I hope you are healing and doing well now that you've separated from them. If God is all you have left, it's because God is all you need🙏🏾. Stay safe and God bless you
you mean even the flying monkeys never change and just get worse with age ?? I thought I had to save them from the narc, but is that a useless endeavour ??
@@muma6559- You will only piss them off.
"If I get in a relationship with you, I lose me."
That's the story of my 18 years of dating.
Painful but so true.
I was never allowed to say no to my mom. Not as a child, not as an adult, she made me feel guilty. When I felt frustrated because I had to do things I didn’t want, my mom said he felt so uncomfortable because I was nerves and frustrated.
Now I am a yes person, and I feel guilty when I say no.
This is very powerful and painful at the same time.
When you spoke about the brother hitting his sister - my brother terrorized me. He became DANGEROUS ! They never stopped him.
I didn’t even know that I could have boundaries… I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries while I lived at home. My parents were ultra strict. It was their way or my brother and I were punished beyond measure. He’s an alcoholic and I am a workaholic, people pleaser. Today, I have a few boundaries which is an improvement over no boundaries
Read the book “boundaries”
Were you living under my bed? Lol
My exact same experience BUT I healed. Where are you in your recovery? This man saved my life. Can you believe that I am certified to do the same thing and I am going to pay this forward.🙌🏽👑💜👑 #happy healing
#happy Friday
I'm sure I've infringed on my kids boundaries at some point, probably without realizing it... But I am so grateful that the extreme boundary violations I had as a kid caused me to respect my kids boundaries as a general rule.
I've never gone exploring through their rooms or read their journals. I also never placed a drop of shame on sexuality, and explained what happened with circumcision and apologized if I got the decision wrong, letting them know I consulted the men in the family and they all unanimously said yes and offered to pay for it...
I also researched vaccination so in depth and saw so much foul play and corruption, that I didn't infringe on their right to decide for themselves, as they had way stronger immunity than most other kids...
I think I over shared some stuff though and it wasn't clear to me where the line was on that... And I had some sergeant mom moments, but I always considered the fragility of an external locus of control... That one day I wouldn't be there and it has to come from the inside.
I'm probably unaware of some harm I've caused, but I think the worst of it was the only two people I had willing to watch my twins so I could have some moments to decompress were narcissists. They damaged one of my boys really badly and I handed them over to these people cuz I had no idea how else to manage with them on my own.
My greatest regrets with my kids are the people I allowed them to be exposed to, and how ineffective I was at find them good role models...
Where I go easy on myself is that I was only 22 when I was assaulted and I had no professional help or real life support to single parent twins. I was alone with two infants who were the opposite gender, so there were loads of ways I had no idea what I was doing and the way I managed, all things considering with my CPTSD, from a young age, I did really good. Most wouldn't have the constitution to pull it off the way I did under the circumstances I faced.
Now I just gotta go help clean up the messes I was part of and as I heal me, help my kids see a path to healing for themselves and be there waiting to dive into every hurtful thing they need to tell me, so we can all be free and the day I have grand babies will be the start of the generation that broke free of multigenerational trauma.
Healthy me. Help my kids. Healthy grandkids. That's the plan...
Then show others how I did it. How many families can we help break free?
It’s beautiful that you’re willing to acknowledge what you did well and also ways you could’ve done things better. My mom will not under any circumstances acknowledge her neglect of us 4 of her children. My sister even wrote her a letter expressing her feelings and my mom ripped it up, cursed her out and through the pieces of the letter out of the car window as she drove off. My husband’s mom told him while she was living with us that if he and his sister had told her that they’re father was dangerous she would’ve divorced him way before. Like seriously blame your kid for you remaining with a man who stole food with nothing else to eat, smoked crack, utilities constantly being shut off and them having to witness his rage as well as hers. My mother in-law and mom both blame their husbands for everything. Not cool at all.
I admire that you are compassionate towards your children and take ownership of your own actions while raising them. They are very fortunate to have you. 🌸 💗
You are a warrior and the fact that you are willing to acknowledge possible mistakes will offer so much healing for your children in the years and generations to come! Way to go!!!
@amberscottcmt7400 YOU are a beautiful role model!! 💗 Even though it's been 3 years, your comment here is still reaching people like me - thank you for your willingness to share, and in doing so, uplifting others with a transparently beautiful example of what it looks like to be a good human, reaching for growth through love, knowledge, experience...thank you! I'm glad you exist, and hope you are finding complete healing and making meaningful memories along your journey!! 😊
Tim Fletcher. You are an angel. ❤Your wisdom and messages are so powerful. I am deeply grateful for these videos. Thank you so much. Deep gratitude! ❤❤❤
Wow he broke this down PERFECTLY! I never understood why I was so rebellious in my childhood up until now. My parents were never on the same page and both had a different set of boundaries for me but they weren’t cohesive with them. So I knew how to work around them!
This is a treasure full of info about boundaries, ❤
Thank you Tim I am 73 yrs young and have had a life of complete trauma since 3 years of age ..your teachings resonate with me ..and are helping me ..thank you so much ..
If I went out on a coffee date or a dinner date with a boy (in college), my parents would reprimand me for two hours. If my siblings went to the club, went out all night, had loud, obnoxious house parties (also still living with my parents), they were ok. I definitely learned to rebel and started looking for others to try to please instead. And this led to me marrying a boy with narcissistic traits and marrying into his family of narcissists. After years of work on self-acceptance, I'm starting to find myself, my passions, and my purpose again.
My brain seems to know whats going on 100% of the time. The problem is i didnt believe it. And i got all the hurt/damage😢
This makes sense of why my partner that was suffering so much & said he would always be bending over to what the more assertive person want’s. His people pleasing started to hurt my feelings. He just took trying to talk about this as criticism. He really did repress everything. He left so quick & really showed how avoidant he was .
Thanks for this series I have no boundaries don't know what they look like
Read the book “boundaries “
I was molested by my father’s brother. I’m 60. My parents don’t believe me. No proof! I live with my parents because I had to leave my marriage of 40 years. I ended up in the hospital. My parents still try to control. I know the my way or highway one well. I am learning boundaries and sticking to them. I’m losing people because of it and it’s painful! You have explained all this really well! I’m finally realizing all this and healing. My parents treat me like I’m a child! When in fact they are only 23 years older than me! It’s more unhealthy for me. The tv thing omg!
This is exactly how my family was! Shame, guilt, fear, inconsistent/reactive rules. There was never a question of what is going on? How can I help you? We were just constantly taught that we were the problem
My mom barged into my room all the time and if I'd ever communicate that I needed my own space, she would get upset with me.
This is the most helpful video I’ve ever watched you helped me to understand myself as a mom as a child as a wife and now I have tools to change thank you!!!
I struggle so much to not pleasing others because I fall into my other side which is to be against all authority. It is the same thing… pleasing and comply, or go always against and rebel. It’s like 100/100, black or white. The struggle is to be in balance and reconciliate both.
Great teaching - Christian sermon as well giving a practical solution to know how to set a boundary. Thank you
Thank you, thank you for merging Christianity with mental and psychological healthcare.
Thank you Tim. The Holy Spirit is speaking through you
Thank you Tim, your love, skill and clarity is deeply welcomed in my life
20:30 mark explains perfectly why I don't get too close to people.
Wow.. it’s like you’re talking about me & my upbringing. 😢
i absolutely hate my mother and havent seen ir spoken to her in years. peace and happiness
❤🩹
❤❤❤❤
How can you say ‘peace and happiness’ as you say you hate your parent?
Well done. I appreciate the multiple examples
I will only try to express how you
(Tim Fletcher) have brought so much value back to my life.
The easy to understand lessons and explanations are to my soul like a well needed and search out hug from an angel.
Your gift of knowledge on these matters should be taught to every teenage, parent and law enforcement agency. The church already has you 🙏🏼❤
Very wise advice Tim. Trying to understand why we need healthy boundaries to maintain balance in our lives.
God bless you 🙏 I have been slowly healed listening to all your lectures 🙏 thank you
Lesson i learned this month!
Sit and watch…
I’m so quick to invite people places, buy thing for ppl just because they mentioned it, drive everyone , buy food
I just sit in wait to see if the gesture would be return (over months) I don’t get invited, I don’t get food, I don’t get gifts or if I mention stuff it’s just a mention 🤷🏼♀️
My lesson stop being nice which causes me to be sad
Care for me that’s it.
Your values will be different than your friends so consider that they might value something like, time or praise more highly and in turn don't recognize how much you value gifts and rides. The video mentions that our upbringing can cause us to open our hearts completely with no boundaries or close them completely in an effort to enforce them. I've learned that I will not get certain things out of some relationships because they refuse to give it and sometimes because they never had it to give. Some friendships I end due to this and others I adjust. I won't get Mental Health reassurance from the parents, but I do get other things from our relationship. I adjusted and stopped seeking advice and started shutting down bad unsolicited advice politely and firmly. Can you adjust with your friends? Stop buying gifts and stop expecting it back? Could the friendship work on that level?
I WISH THEY WOULD TEACH THIS IN SCHOOL
This is so helpful. Thank you so much!!!
Tim Fletcher, you are absolutely a blessing to me ❤ Thank you so much for your wise teaching and counseling with your honest care for people. ❤
I was always terrified by how my dad would react to something.. and I remember always trying to console him whether my dad and mom fought. My would run off crying… my dad would come Mr down shirtless to yell at my friends. Also I never felt like my opinions mattered..
In the past my mom punished me with silent treatment. The worst experience was that I had to redo a year again because my grades weren't good enough to enter a higher graduation. My mom didn't talk to me the whole weekend even when I tried talking to her. Now whenever there are conflicts, even with friends, I fear that they will ignore or leave me behind. I'm trying to heal that part of me
I once sat together with my mom and talked about the silence treatment and she explained that she got beaten as a child and she doesn't want to do the same mistake as her parents that's why she went silent to calm herself down first. But she agreed that it was wrong of her in the past and I also got to understand her side as well. But still I have to heal a lot from it
Thank you for this session....very informative 😊
Thank you for these valuable teachings. Your work needs to be seen to help combat codependency.
I have a twin who always attacks, argues and insults ! This was not trauma.. I went on to travel, explore, and did something different with my life... He did his thing.. I did mine ! We are both ok... Stop playing a victim.. it takes two to tango ! Try to see both sides !
So grateful for this information...how can one person know soooo much information.....
My narc parents said, 'If you can't think of a reason to not do whatever, I'll give you one, and proceeded to whip us with his leather belt. And so much more. And claimed to be clueless about why I cut them off.
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Same at our house
What’s wrong with belt discipline? Genuinely curious why you think that’s wrong?
I suggest maybe asking a therapist, one who has been in the field for some time.
And little kids can't actually do anything to deserve being whipped.
At nine years of age, my father would give me the silent treatment when I misbehaved. I don’t even remember what I did.
I wish my husband would watch this.
I wish the world would watch this once a month.
This is excellent.
Thank you so much.
I've got so much love for you, Tim. Thank you for sharing
Growing up as a jehovah witness really explains a lot of this 😢
Seventh Day Adventist
I grew up a JW as well . And boy does this resonate.
Stepped away last year. I felt this as well.
Is not always personal how the jws behave is the programming of the organization the doctrines are harmful and you notice a pattern among jw members theyalmostbehave the samr way@@wolfrahmphosphoros5808
This kind of talks is why I follow you and I ask myself, how in the world do you know this things
I hate being people pleaser
Wow, this is absolutely amazing!
32:00 great answers to how to walk it out in love, thank you.
So, spot on! Very well said
Bro when they do everything in their power bro! I was practically on punishment for 18 years
In my previous relationship, one of partner 's boundaries was that I could not ask him any personal question. He likened it to hurting him and abuse. We wete dating for 3 months,at the time and I respected it but broke up w/him month 5. By then the m as sk was non-existent
Dr. Fletcher you are very good what you are saying is absolutely clarity. When you tell the science it is very helpful. But when you connect the topic with the religious teachings and stories it is aslo confusing and making dwelling the normal people to that influence. Mixing and connecting the science with the religious things is creating confusions only. ❌yi
Well said. Great work Tim and thank you
Brilliant 👏 thanks ever so much for this video
Thankful for your video Tim
say I'm expressing boundaries in a fair and reasonable way and that person won't work with me. My Partner is boundary-less and a people pleaser so his secrets are maintained by their dishonesty.
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When my cats are at the door, I count to ten, then close it if no movement. God I'm tough😂
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Thats good way to practice boundaries
This is very detailed
Re "the forbidden thing".
A very big part of the problem is so few have a good explanation as to why a thing is forbidden. Platitudes and appeals to the majority are flung around and if you have an above average brain you will be needing good reasons and there are no good reasons - just a lot of stupid, intellectually cowardly and dishonest referrals to "authority" (which itself has next to nothing to commend it).
One of the quickest things in the universe is a human being finding an excuse to not think.
My parents used to say „do not say no, always say yes (to them)“ 😂
Thank you
Thank you ❤
I LOVE this series of information and the kindness and care that goes into it!
But the delivery of info feels so stressful :( I don't know what to do...
Is there a transcription of your talks anywhere kind sir?!
My husband still has not cut the apron string. very sad. only talk about the weather, nothing deep or true.
Awww...sorey ur having to deal with that but good for u for being patient and understanding and allowing him his way
He's a narcissist like my husband.
Suits you sir...
Thanks!
If listening to the examples make you feel upset and angry, you were raised with parents who violated boundaries.
very good video but it doesn't actually explain how to stop people-pleasing. people-pleasing is fear-based, so this is said here, but One cannot just switch off fear. how does One communicate a boundary when One is too scared to do it? the video doesn't tell this. regards.
The steps of healing are extremely gradual, and begin with physical distance from the triggering person. If we are in an emotional flashback in which we are reliving the childhood trauma and truly do believe our fear sensations, then it's best to get to a safe place and work through the emotional flashback. You can learn about this in Pete Walker's book cptsd. In this safe space, you can let your inner child out, let her have all of her emotional reactions, and also understand it from your adult logical perspective. This gives you increasingly more understanding of your reactions to people that are trauma-based. Yes, a person and your adult life might be a narcissist, but your reaction to them is usually an emotional flashback since in reality you don't need to be so terrified of them since you're an adult and you can fend for yourself. That being said, this terror needs to be faced very very slowly. It's called titration. And like I said you have to face it by yourself first. If you do feel this terror and you are in the presence of someone that is triggering it, remove yourself quickly and start investigating the experience of this terror in your body through meditation and other practices that make you safe. You have to start with your own body for healing. Where else can you start? The trigge triggered feelings, which are actually emotional flashbacks, occur inside your own body. So to answer your question more broadly, create a distance and a space from whatever is triggering you and feels like it's violating your boundary. As time goes on, you'll be able to have less distance, but you have to practice this diligently.
His lectures build upon each other, so watching only one is not enough to solve deep-seated patterns. I’ve gotten more from his talks on family dysfunction and attachment styles than any therapist I’ve seen over the last two decades. The answers are in awareness of the root of an issue and a change of mindset. Much love!
@@grownknow6857 thank You for your response but this isn't exactly possible. I'll give You an example: I'm out with my Friend, and my Friend wants to coax Me into something I don't wanna do [I actually have a few real-life-examples like that]. I cannot physically walk away because I depend on my Friend for getting back Home because We're in a different town and We've got there by my Friend's car, and I'm scared to refuse because as a Kid I had no right to say "no". another example, very similar: my Housemate is very pushy and wants Me to drink alcohol, but I don't wanna drink-this happened last Christmas. what was I supposed to do-hide in my room and not take part in the Christmas-dinner? -Both of these People are the type of People, Who seem deaf, as when I've said that I don't want to do x, y, z, They just keep pushing. I also had many more experiences with people like that. regards.
@@darfish1832 thank You for your response. much love back to You. regards.
@@grownknow6857 I responded to You 4 days ago, my comment got deleted, as I see now. anyway, thank You for your response. regards.
17:34 into the segment
Extended Trauma is a toxic switch on the neuro-pathways influencing the train conductor of a life and soul for a long haul to its destruction
You're preaching to the choir dude
omg. we got grounded for a month if 5 min late
I blame mom…
Nice Chevy 3100!
Sky able to see I keep reject Edwin reject 7years.they pleasing love
Amen
This is lit
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We going to fight we fight don't come crying to me later after all you done !!! Oh you this and that and then crying. No no !!! I don't care how many brain washer you send my way. This is the way I am !!! MOVE !!!
How is he speaking to my past 😅
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Sorry people... Am I the only one who sees that the people who see potential danger in this world.. and step forward to rectify it before it becomes an accident..injury...or death.. are heroes !!! Why is everyone jumping onto the side of this guy as he tells us that people who see potential danger are damaged ??? They are heroes ! and the only ones who realise that are those who are saved ! You all live in a bubble !!! All of you ! Life is not meant to be simple, painless and effortless... and if it is... then that wasn´t life... Go sit in an easychair.. comfortable, safe from harm... and watch these ridiculous video´s saying you are correct... as your life ticks away and you slowly die without having ever lived ! What rubbish !!
The f is religion does here....
But you are done !! Brain washing my son !! And the entire family !! Over something that didn't exist !! A video no one can see anything in. Specially after what your friends did and almost do !! With a story that doesn't match nor makes any sense at all !!!!
Parenting advice is such bullshit. does this guy even have kids? Do all the right things, and watch them not respond in the way you're promised. Just watch.
Respond to the needs. See a child as a human... not someone to bully... it's possible to raise kids without being a dictator but to communicate openly and with respect
@@rosie21nify Do you have children, if so what ages? You can communicate openly and with respect and watch what happens.
thanks tim