Therapist Shows HOW To Set Boundaries & Protect Yourself From TOXIC People! | Nedra Glover Tawwab
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- Опубликовано: 25 фев 2023
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On Today's Episode:
Learning how to deal with your family as an adult is an ongoing struggle many of us still haven’t figured out. When unhealthy family dynamics make it difficult to visit your grandparents and the thought of visiting your parents brings on dread and anxiety, there’s definitely issues you’ll want to address.
If you’re finding yourself trapped in a turbulent family relationship you don’t know how to escape, Nedra Glover Tawwab, world renowned clinical psychologist, relationship expert and queen of boundaries, is sharing everything you need to know to set important boundaries, become who you want to be, or cut ties if needed.
Nedra’s latest book, Drama Free, is all about better managing unhealthy relationships and no longer accepting the dysfunction within families that keeps people tied to misery, dishonesty, disrespect and abuse long after they have the power and ability to say enough is enough.
This episode is about:
Breaking up with the dysfunction that started in your childhood
Having the strength to walk away from even your family if needed
Being able to have difficult conversations if you choose
Check out Nedra’s Latest Book, Drama Free: www.amazon.com/Drama-Free-Man...
QUOTES:
“Do we need to go to the people who are causing the harm for validation of the harm?”
“I’m loyal to love, I’m not loyal to abuse, I’m not loyal to abandonment…”
“How do you change your role in the relationship when you’re not ready to leave? Because not every relationship is to be discarded.”
“We have to believe in who we’re becoming.”
“People don’t have to be in relationship with you after you’ve offended them.”
“The confidence I have now is practiced.”
“I can live with not knowing, and it’s much harder to live with blaming myself.”
“We have to get into the practice of understanding that our job in this relationship is not to control it, it’s not to change the culture, it is to be in community with people…”
“We have to look at the intensity of our emotions because the intensity tells us there may be some history to what is happening.”
“‘Just how we are’ could be dysfunctional. What's normal doesn’t mean it’s natural, it’s healthy, it’s the way things should be. Normal can be chaos, normal can be a high level of dysfunction.”
“Sometimes with family it’s almost as if there’s an expectation of you lowering your expectations.”
“It’s not about changing everyone else and how they show up with you, it's about changing you and how you show up with them.”
Follow Nedra Glover Tawwab:
Website: www.nedratawwab.com/
Instagram: / nedratawwab
Facebook: / nedratawwab
Pinterest: / _created
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
Love your kicks they are always an interesting part of your show ❤
The camera zoomed back to a wide lens and the kicks came into view just as I opened up this comment😂😂😂
That hit home 🙌
Women of Impact, thx Lisa for warning people that you’re asking for their contact info. Some people are [too] trusting, somwhat gullible, and not aware that not all online people are “nice”. Those people are therefore vulnerable to scams. Thanks again,Lisa !
that sucks that you was impersonated shame on them
"I am loyal to Love, I am not loyal to abuse..." This is Gospel
BARS
But jews abuse your god
This!🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
🎉
💯 💕🙌💕
My aunt and sister: You only have one mother.
Me: Well, she only has one me. And I’m not going to submit myself to abuse anymore.
I love that come back. I'm going to use this next time someone says that to me. 🙌🏾💪🏾
Manipulation and guilt tripping
Good for you!
👏👏👏
👏 👏 ❤
It's difficult to set boundaries, especially if you are an empathetic person. Sometimes you can't help but feel like 'helping' in an emotional moment, even to your own detriment. That's why empaths are more vulnerable targets for narcissistic people. I pray we all master the art of self control and get closer to God, rather than allow people get closer to us more than necessary.
Bless
That’s not true for all empaths. It starts in the womb… Manipulating and being an empath R different
Yup, that’s me. But I’m slowly learning to say no and not feeling guilty.
@Doppelgänger thank you! Brilliant!
Empaths attract energy vampires! U are one of the most beautiful gifted souls on a unique journey to transcend generational trauma ! There are many resources in the description on my channel u can use. The one that may be helpful for u is by an author named Dr. Northrop. The survival guide for empaths is a great book to read❤ May love and peace forever unveil for u🕉️🪬🧿🌀
I'm an intuitive empath and found it hard not helping family members. I've grown and started setting boundaries.
I've been practicing since I was in my 20's and have been accused of being cold or holding on to the past. It's lonely and so painful to have experiences that have affected you negatively be minimized.
More power to you. It is a struggle but worth it.
You should watch the video with Sarah Jake Roberts and Lisa, they speak on how to deal with this issue.
Me too
💗
100%❤
My favorite quote of your first guest: " I am loyal to Love". I love this. I am NOT loyal to abuse, mean behavior, even if you are my mother.
That was a brilliant statement. Very powerful. Something to live .😊
❤👏👍
Once I started putting up my boundaries and let my friends know that they can not use me as their doormat anymore whenever they are down and feeling shitty, they were shocked. One of my oldest friends actually told me: 'you have changed.' She repeated this several times and I always replied with a 'Yes.' I know she saw that as a negative thing, but I have to put my mental health and well-being first. It is not easy but even my emotionally abusive family is starting to feel the change and they are treating me much better now and with more respect.
👏👍
👍
I need to get here😢
Love this ❤
When you set boundaries be aware that the ppl who benefitted from you having none are going to get angry, upset, gaslight you & even discard you. Thus is the main reason ppl fold & go back to their own tendencies. If you set new boundaries know the universe will test them to help you strengthen them. Becoming comfortable with unpleasant feelings is very important.
When invited to something you don’t want to do, simply say, “thank you for the invite but I won’t be able to attend.” Nothing more. Without having to add a reason or excuse. It is freeing. At first it feels odd but when you see people don’t usually push more than that, you will see the upside of simply saying, “I will not be able to go, but thank you for thinking of me.” ❤
My only regret is that it took me into my 30s to take a stand and set boundaries. My feelings with degraded, disrespected and minimized so I then cut ties and have had a more peace of mind. This resonated so much with me.
Try 40's almost 50's still dealing in your 60's. Be grateful you got out when you did.
40’s and implementing unapologetically.
Girllll here in my 40's dealing with it.😒... Thank God you recognize it still young and continue to take a stand if they dont here you....
Cause im still struggling with it in my 40"s....
Forgive yourself ! There should be no regrets you needed all those lessons . Yes things can make or break you but if you reclaim that inner fighter and tell yourself nothing can break you .. watch yourself make a way ! Believe it ! Never question your ability to fight for your needs and desires ❤🎉
I was in my early 40 I was confused all the time by the treatment overall
It's okay to walk away without explaining and being understood because life is too short, and so much to discover and experience. For this reason, don't stay in the same merry-go-round and expect the scenery to change.
The Merry GO Round of PAIN..
We don’t own an explanation to those who disrespect us! They know what they r doing
Love this 🎯
@@evka24 Good point! Lots of times they just try and ensure us more
Life is too short to be unhappy, I have been unhappy for a while because of one person. I had to counsel myself to walk away, I prayed. Its difficult but I am doing it, I get anxiety attack when he says he is coming to visit the kids but doesn't pitch up makes the kids wait all day for him. I dont question him anymore, its more complicated to cut off a toxic person when u share small kids
Cycle breakers .. (underdogs of the family ) initially struggle with boundaries as we are the inventors of boundaries ( in our family ) the key is finding resources such as this video.. support groups.. a therapist or practice that can validate your feelings in an understanding and optimistic way . Please don’t go through life alone if you can find your people ❤ life can be so much better once you walk away and find your voice 🎉
I'm always open to discuss relationship issues with family members, but what I usually get from them is either they refuse to discuss things outright or they are offended and start a huge fight.
It's the offense that bothers me the most and lead me to find out why...and I found this video. I try to express to my father my feelings or experience and he wants to argue about how I feel. Then when i point out he is being judgemental he gets more upset and argues more about how he can do what he wants and to stop telling him how to treat me.
@@healthychick9450 My mom behavior right here. When I try to tell her a few years ago how her words damage my spirit. The woman went up in a strom and curse me out. From that day i vow to move forward and work on me and let her be... 6 years later i put boundaries and i live my life.
They know what they have done, the problem is admitting they're wrongs is what they dont want to do, in the name of parenting "when its actually proud"!
I went and got help my mom was not Happy about it and keep saying i needed to let go of the pas. I let her know respectfully it's my life and whatever help i needed to get heal, so i can be free im going to do it
If your Father don't want to LISTERN move forward in your maturity. One day he would see your growth and have no choice but to speak to you differently!...
Then he would see your not a kid anymore.
Shalom and God bless you🙏🏾
Same here
This reminds me of a relationship that I had with a cousin. She and I were close for many years, with so much shared history. At some point, I started to get my life in order, getting a college degree, landing a great job and moving into a really nice neighborhood. She was used to me being in crisis, and things always falling apart. She was critical, and would always give unsolicited advice based on a previous version of myself, while really struggling herself to make the same strides. Minimizing my efforts and the things that I was achieving was strange to me...she would always find a way to downplay what I had going on, like, "Well you really don't need a degree to get a good job", or "Are you renting or buying a house", or "Leave that guy, he doesn't even like you". When I finally spoke up for myself and said, "My life is going really well, and it's only going to keep getting better" she blocked me and never talked to me again. This was someone that I used to speak to several times per week.
people are jealous - sometimes mothers can be jealous of their own daughters - be careful.
She did you a huge favor. Be thankful she is out of your life. I never regretted kicking toxic people out of my life. I was only sorry I let them in, in the first place. Keep up the good work 😊
I am so grateful to have found Dr. Nedra. I have created clear boundaries with people, especially with family in the last 6 months or so. At first, it bothered me, but I was shown over and over again that it was not where the love was, so I left. And I am ok with that.
I laughed when she said that certain someone not talking to her for a year was a RELIEF. YAAAS!😪😌😎
"A Gift" 😂😉💯
it is never easy to cut a toxic family member out of your life. but it most certainly can be done!! and it is so much healthier than trying to set boundaries when toxic people have broken hearing. they will push you no matter what you say or do.
👍👏
Yes ! There is no one fix for all .. some can create boundaries and get respected others … need to move away .. get away and ignore family members that just don’t have the capacity to change or understand! Where are you on your path ?
Most of them won't change for themselves let alone someone else
@@edb5922 sadly very true 🥹
@@MissNamaSlay most of us are on different levels, so that should give us patience and understanding for others. God bless your mind life and heart.
I’m 5 minutes in, and she GETS IT. 😮💨
She is so down to earth and clear and rational about psychological issues - she's amazing!
Yes she is🔥
Yes her name is Nedra Tawab
After my divorce after 32 years. I put myself, what I call, the light of truth. I found myself angry and defensive so I had to work on these subjects to become better. I continue putting myself in light of truth because I’ve been hiding in the shadows of lies for years. My husband was very toxic and I pretended that this was normal. Now I’m paying more attention to who I am and how I react and treat people. I’m making a mindful choice to be a better person
I went no contact with my mother 12 years ago. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done and the best thing I’ve ever done. It saved my life. Today the hardest aspect of this decision is trying to explain it to other people - sometimes I just want other people to understand what I went through, and that doesn’t always happen.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Accept the fact that not everyone will understand your decision and that’s ok.
God knows your heart ❤️ and at the end of the day and end of our lives, He’s the only one we have to answer to. Take heart and have peace in Him. God Bless you!
It's amazing how your own family can gaslight you. I said long time ago that it felt like some people were trying to drive me crazy, making me feel like I was always the problem while they think they are innocent nuns.
Same thing I'm going thru rn
Families dynamics are messy
I'm not loyal to the terrible things my mom has done to me but I am loyal to my love for her as a human being with mental problems who just happened to give birth to me.
People see the boundaries I set with a close relative and ask me why am I mad. I kindly say that I’m not mad but I will not tolerate their behavior and treatment. Not mad at all 😊
They r the mad one 😅
Whats crazy is that once u set the boundaries, they associate that behavior with being evil, mean, demonic...but what they are describing is actually a reflection of themself and how they acted that entire time to lead up to a response of a boundary in the first place
I'm done dealing with others. My reality is fine. I don't have to justify my reality, my abuse. I'm done.
Forgive and walk away
Me too
Amen
This woman is FULL of wisdom and experience! I am buying this book!!
"Set boundaries, find peace". Her book is EXCEPTIONALLLLLL
This resonates so very much, especially when it comes to abuse within the family! Even when you try to build boundaries to protect your energy, somehow you are the bad person.😔
The first person reminded me that I am the toxic one, the second lady reminded me that I need to give myself grace, everything she has said is what I've been battling with all my life and I beat myself up about my triggers and reacting in the way that I do and then feeling shame for it. Wanting validation from my family and NEVER getting it. Wow this video is so impactful and I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to work on myself.
👍👏
My mother was very abusive to me until I finally left at 17 years old- never went back. I am in my 50s now- she is in her 70s and still trying to abuse me- mentally. I think I just need to cut her off COMPLETELY. I HAVE A HEART CONDITION THAT SHE IS AWARE OF TOO....SMH.
Some ppl dont care that ppl have health issues. They will still try you. Just release the offense and move on
I really like Nedra's insight. I hope she writes a similar book about boundaries in the workplace.
Great idea...there are many similarities
I need her insight on the workplace. I've had the worst experiences there and its been challenging working with women.
Yes! I am a teacher and surrounded by bitter boomer women who can't stop attacking me. The elderly male colleagues sexualize me even tho I clearly told them I don't like being reduced on my looks and talked to like that! Something is seriously wrong with the boomer generation. Just a few more years till they retire 🙄
She has a chapter about work boundaries in her first book- Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It helped me with talking to my manager and sending emails!
@@ohsocrafty that's good to know, I'll check it out because I need some insight for sure.
Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This
I Met Someone Highly Toxic Narcissistic.This Person Emotionally Abused Me Horribly.
I’m Severely Traumatized From His Abuse.My Life Has Been Destroyed.My Self Worth And Self Esteem.
I Really Wish That I Would Of Set Boundaries With This Person.
I Was Raised By My Mom Who Was Highly Narcissistic.
From My Abuse From Family Members I Was Raised To Be A Ppl
Pleaser I Struggle With This Today!!!
I'm so sorry, Demi. I wish for you to have enough; enough love and peace for you to get through to the next moment.
❤️
@@borreliaetc Thank you So very Much🙏
Hopefully you got out of this situation… you can absolutely gain your fire and your power back you may have to start from scratch but look at it like a clean slate and you get to rewrite it and make it as beautiful big and bright as you would like❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@jtee231 🙏Thank you
The same situation here ,this are just lessons ,never aloud this to happen again ! Completly heal yourself even if takes longer but u will be the best version of yourself ,once u Are healed inside u wont tolerate nothing less
I grew up in a very toxic family system . I was pit into foster care at 10, because of my mom’s crack addiction. I suffered more abuse. My mom never regained custody of me. I grew up feeling unloved and honestly growing up I felt like a ghost. The only time I got noticed and paid attention to was when I was being sexually abused. That set me up to deal with men who only saw me as sex but I went in trying to be loved. This has been my pattern of relationships all my life. I gave up on men. They only seem to want one thing from me. What really sucks is I’ve never had a relationship with my mom. It’s like she sees me as competition and all she has for me is put downs and comparisons. I literally just isolate myself from people.
I’m so sorry! There is hope! I grew up having to forgive my parents sometimes. And the way I grew up shaped my other relationships. A lot of it I’ve unpacked recently that I didn’t even realize. But I had to forgive because anger only hurts me and not them. And I started praying for them too and they’re growing and getting closer to God.
I’m proud of myself because I’ve created a life for myself where I can communicate with my immediate family and my husband listens and helps me when I’m not being a healer in a given situation. I only have a few close friends and I trust all of them and can retreat to my husband if it gets too overwhelming. Jesus loves all of us and there is hope. ❤
@@laceandribbonsviolin no. She does not have to forgive them to heal. She doesn’t have to forgive anyone if she doesn’t want to
@Anum Kashif there's no such thing as being bitter and healing. Yes, you absolutely MUST forgive to heal. Period! Forgiveness is not for them; it's for her. And just becally.use she forgive, it doesn't mean that she had to trust them again. She can forgive them peacegud go her separate way
@Anum Kashif no such thing as being bitter and healing. Yes, you absolutely MUST forgive to heal. Period! Forgiveness is not for them; it's for her. And just because she forgives, it doesn't mean that she had to trust them again. She can forgive them peacefully and go her separate way.
@Gone Girl, I am Praying for your healing 🙏🏽
@Anum Kashif there's no such thing as being bitter and healing. Yes, you absolutely MUST forgive to heal. Period! Forgiveness is not for them; it's for her. And just becally.use she forgive, it doesn't mean that she had to trust them again. She can forgive them peacegud go her separate way
setting boundaries is so important. we also have to understand systems have taught us we have to accept anything and everything from family members. many years ago i worked in an office of social workers in a religion-based organization. their stance was families should stay together no matter what. there were children from abusive homes and those "therapists" were there to guide children back to parents in supervised visits. when i asked why they took such as stance, the social workers said things like: it's better for families to stay together. or: it's better if children learn to forgive. i was so disgusted i knew i wouldn't be there for long. adults can learn to forgive. but when a child is put back in abusive situations, that isn't forgiveness. it's powerlessness. it's being forced back into a situation where someone bigger and more powerful than you has control. so we have to remember, it's not just people who are trying to learn to set boundaries. people are in systems that have forced them to not have boundaries and are now learning to overcome this.
You get thousands from me. Well said
I agree with this
Some people you have to stay away from for your sanity
But let's be easy on ourselves if we'll ever fail to set them from the start, there's always the second chance in life, also for setting boundaries, like moving away dancing cha, cha, cha with big big smile on the face without giving any explanation if we deal with a gaslighter.
Never feel bad or s**y for not being able to set them from the real start, one day you'll learn and life is also made of trust (conditional), withou a little bit of trust we get insane. I'm pretty always 2 feet ahead of people, however I chose to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I also know what I can expect or not and i'm never disappointed.
It's good to learn how to protect ouselves but also to forgive ourselves when we fail to protect ouselves.
I'm grateful for the conversation , it speaks my whole entire growing up , my father phyically abused me beat senseless sometimes I didn't know for what , My stepmom and my half sister mental abuses me. I saw a Therapist one and I cried and cried , because I kept it in for years.
I share this video with numerous women and I tell you everyone has said this has been life-changing. One of my dearest friends surprised me with my very own book delivered by Amazon. What a wonderful 🎁
Oh my goodness this video WAS SO IMPORTANT to me. The family issues and setting boundaries is exactly what I am dealing with right now and this video was extremely helpful with solidifying what I was just taught about letting go. Thank you for this very lovely conversation and video!
I don't even know where to start. My father is and has always been extremely verbally abusive to my mother, and physically and verbally abusive to my sister and I. Fast forward, I now live with my parents because they're elderly and my mother, who is a Saint, needs my assistants. To this day, he is still verbally abusive, but he's also very manipulative. He is a textbook narcissist, and at times, tries to be very charming as if we don't know the real person. At this point, I am constantly setting boundaries, so much so that I had to call the police on him because he still thinks that he can put his hands on me. Calling the police has sent a clear signal that no, that is not OK, and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. My sister fortunately has her own place and doesn't have to deal with him, so she has been able to keep her distance for years now!! This whole situation is too much to unpack, but I have been very good at keeping boundaries and keeping to myself even though I stay under the same roof with him.
@Heaven Jones Unfortunately, my mother grew up in an era where she doesn't want a divorce on her resume. She's also a very religious Christian woman, so she does not believe in divorce. It's only abuse if you believe it to be. Otherwise, it's just normal behavior. She's actually grown to ignore this behavior and happens to be one of the most happiest, most pleasant, positive, humans 💜💜
Me on the other hand....not at all, so all I can do is buffer this behavior. If I wasn't there, it would be much worse.
@@ardenmariemccray7700 please be safe. Narcissists are historically homicidal. If he’s physically able why do you believe he won’t? Especially after “exposing” him by involving law enforcement. Move smart & safe plz 🤎🙏🏾
@Ya Gerr he's 88 yrs old. Personally, I could take him if I had to, but only because of the tiny amount of respect I have for him as a human, I haven't physically retaliated. Some narcissistic people also like to front. He doesn't want a police car to show up at his home again (because what will the neighbors think 🥺?), he has learned to curb his behavior. He's the type of person who needs a line drawn for him. Now he knows not to cross it.
@@ardenmariemccray7700 okay if he’s 88 you’re safe 🤎 lol it’s just really scary out here especially for us calling out narcissistic abuse. & thank you for your response, my message came from a good but concerned place and I think you received that ✨
@@yagerr4279I appreciate your concern 💜💜
I haven't spoke to mother for 17 years and I totally feel happy and free. But I have had the guilt thing from people over the years and over time that's made me stronger in the since that I know who I am and being more true to who I am and mot getting validation from others
👍👏❤️
It may be useful to find out about her childhood and what happened that may have led to her behaviour.
@rebeccaevison9538-- Thank you for your message , it made me feel better . I cut ties with my mum in 2021 because I realised that my mum was so toxic and nobody would believe me as she was so down to earth with outsider's.
@Sam Stone I know her childhood and she is still abusing people in my family which is unfortunate. She is a narcissist
@J. M thank you for your message. I totally understand what you are saying. You need to put yourself first and have those around you that value and love you. It's freeing when we release toxic people from our life's. I have learnt massive lessons and grown from her hate and hurt. I wish you all the best
I love it when therapist come and give us some knowledge
I should not be pushed around. None of my family members should be pushed around. Amen.
Wow she’s amazing what a fantastic message she articulates so well
Excellent point. Do not go along with what abusers do. I had to step away from a lot of long time friends and make new friends. Going along with abuse and/or toxic people will allow them to continue with their behavior. I say to myself, God is good at all times. "this doesn't work for me" is the way to go.
Really comforting and supportive advice. Affirming decisions I’ve made to detach from harmful family dynamics. I’m queer and my family is Christian Baptists. Can’t bridge that gap much.
I don’t enjoy speaking to the vast majority of them. Major guilting, boundary crossing. Feeling much better having my space from them, living in a different city.
It’s still insanely hard. Sometimes I dread awful things like “what if one of my parents passes away soon and I have to decide whether to show up to a funeral?” An example of the fear projection you mention. It doesn’t serve me…..
The RUclips algorithm must know I'm really going through something. This is right on time! ❤️
My family members try their best to push me around and when I don’t allow it I’m the toxic one whew
That's how it be
@@ceceprincess4758 hmmm it’s sad, now I’m the difficult one because I’m not letting them push me around just because I’m the youngest (even though there are others younger than I am). I didn’t have a problem with it when I was 18, 19, 20. But at 22 I realized they would never respect me. I’m 24 now, I don’t go for family gatherings anymore because all it takes is for my toxic Aunt to try to push me around and everyone else thinks it’s okay to treat me the same. I’m supposed to cater to everyone.
Omg I need to see this my family especially my mother toxic I’ve been trying to pull myself away, but I feel guilty because she’s my mom … no more
To all the people who have been ghosted with no explanation, may you find peace in your heart & enjoy pizza in the sunshine.
Realizing that people rudely removing themselves from our lives is actually a blessing is completely liberating.
I am horrible at setting boundaries. I get so abused by loved ones. Told 'you are the problem'. I cannot regulate in certain moments. Want to be able too. Going to a therapist to help me see why I believe this is what I deserve in every relationship that I have.
I think a human must true itself. We have to start to work inside instead of outside. When we learn the difference between selfish and self first the journey begins. We concentrate on love thy neighbor as we love ourselves, but we don't take the time to love ourselves. So love yourself your worth it I promise ♥️
This is a great therapy session everyone should listen too. Thank you both for this life changing session. No one should be loyal to abuse, especially family. It's OK to walk away for your wellness and mental health.
Netra Tawwab did her thang and all of her advice was very helpful and easily understanding.
It is difficult to deal with toxic people. Most of the time is people near you, people you have trusted for years and then they betray you. It is our decision if we want them in our lives anymore. And the answer is simply no, because people do not change.
Both women gave me things to think about. The second made me realize I’m disconnected, due to stress in my childhood. Now I know some things I want to work on.
Me too. Eye opening.
Hi Lisa, Just want to let you know that you are helping so much. We are in a time where we are making huge changes that impact not jus us but have the ripple effect. Know that because of you I am being stronger in my 23 year marriage to step outside of my comfort zone to move into unknown territory. I think of it as the inner knowning territory and when I communicate with my husband it is challenging because he is more physical - show me the … I am going with my gut instincts. I hope this makes sense. Thank you!!
Boy . She said a mouthful . I pray we get through this
I am creating a club on my university campus inspired by this amazing melanated woman. I’m so happy to watch this video it’s comforting in my battle against oppression to uphold my boundaries.
Manipulation is not love! Controlling others is not love!
She is all positive, even when dealing with negative people and abuse and I LOVE THAT SO MUCH. Checking expectations is such a valuable tool.
And I cannot praise Nedra enough! She is such a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, and brings so much insight to these complex issues and the intricacies of relationships and family dynamics. Thank you!
"But it's your mom" how many times have I heard that? Way too many😡 If they could only see how my mom treats me behind closed doors😥
I actually understand! We are not alone but sometimes it feels that way 💞
This is amazing conversation and I am grateful for this message!❤
I love when she said, I'm not loyal to abuse or persecution. I'm only loyal to love. Yes!
Wow - this women is utterly amazing, first time I've ever watched her. I will be seeking out more stuff. You don't know the full story - hallelluyah!
When my cousin came to me for support I didn’t support her because I had BLOCKED it out. I thought my denial was the truth. It wasn’t until years later when I started to do the work that I remembered and I had to deeply and truly apologize to her for not backing her on her claims.
Dr.Nedra hearing you both say you wanted to be an adult growing up gave me the perspective I needed to be an even better parent ! I don’t want my son rushing to get older due to my inability to compromise. So I’m going to start giving him more freedom of choice ! Of course as a parent we can’t do this every day . However I can sure incorporate more of his ideas and suggestions on a daily when it comes to foods .. clothes etc . Things he can do can be an option for him 🤷🏾♀️ let’s see where this goes . Thanks ❤
Oh my word, I'm replaying this as soon as it's over. I need to drink in every detail. You are putting words to my truth that I haven't really been able to articulate, I've just been feeling and experiencing it. Oh my God.
I've been following Nedra for some years now and she gives so much clarity on healing.
This woman is blessed! So graceful and full of wisdom! Definitely getting her book. 👌🏾
Thank you so much! I was talking to my therapist about the boundaries that I put in place because family and friends were being very abusive in a moment that I was more vulnerable and this video just appeared. It’s helping me understand better this new stage in my life ❤ god bless you ladies ❤
One of the best things I ever did was to stop talking to my dad. The rest of my extended family is pissed about it. The relief is so wonderful that I find I don't give one good fuck about their feelings.
It's the @40:00 mark for me! Sometimes, family members thinks that they get a open pass on bad behavior. Sad
After decades of living, I've thought and even said some of the things Nedra is saying...but she's so much better at packaging the message than I could ever be. After an hour into the interview she's already dropped so many good lines that I'm buying the audible book before the video ends.
Damn this is good! I had so many moments where I agreed out loud, and I work in quiet office lol. I LOVED this, I learned so much and reflected so much on my toxic family. I am saving this one and will refer back to it. Thanks to both you Ladies!!
I am in my 40’s and my mom tried to hit me the other day and she is constantly putting me down telling that I am basically not lovable and telling me that my divorce from my narc ex is my fault. What’s worst is that she gets my sister in on it ,and they attack me together. As you can imagine this is very difficult , I have to live with her at this time due to financial issues. At this point I don’t want a relationship with my sister because her of lack empathy for me is amazing
Mama is toxic, maybe psychopath, best get out asap. My mother tried to destroy me on many levels. She was very abusive when we were young and thought things had changed being away from her for years while raising babies. But NO. Still wants to kill me if she could get away with it. I don’t trust that she wouldn’t get away with it, after a lifetime of witnessing all the abuses, not only in me.
It’s toxic and we can’t mend being near them.
Yes I know am trying my best to find a job to get out
If she raises her hand to you again, knock her teeth out. You have the power
@@cicithatzme132 😂 👏
@@cicithatzme132 I understand this is about respect and if I want respect, I have to respect her as well so I will not be hitting her, she is elderly
It's not only for sanity it's for survival.
Yes
Narcissist are relentless, the family is no different. My son is 13 and I don't have to deal with his Dad as much.
My sister in law opened my mail and her husband said she did nothing wrong. That's more than enough for me.
I just came across this video, and I have only gotten 11 mins in, but I must say that I was meant to see this today at this point in my life. Every word Nedra has said has spoken so powerfully to my soul. It feels very personal, and I love that. During this period of growth, I need that.
Okay, let me continue.
Look forward to reading the book and thank you for the discussion.
Forgive them and send them love but take care of yourself first even if they do not understand. Because no one will take care of you in the end but you. You must put the air mask on first to help people when the plane is going down. Toxic family members will not understand your position especially if you are working on yourself and changing. Changing the dynamic of the family takes courage and sometimes if you are lucky, family will honor your boundaries.
Wonderful!!! Change you and for your benefit... Healthy boundaries protect self... and that's the newness folks must pivot and adjust to. Ultimately, you are showing love to yourself, and demanding that folks adhere to these ways. So good!!!
Very healing episode, thank you for that! ❤️
It's ironic that the whole "but, you're family" value ONLY benefits the abusive family member because the survivor of the abuse is actually being reproached by those dismissive statements.
You have to know that if you ever walk away or have to walk away it's probably a lonely and hard road... It's cutting away a cancer as much as possible but you still have to live with that cancer and work on yourself... But you give yourself the CHANCE to live a better life.
TERRIFIC Topic!! Just perfect! Communicating very thoughtfully is what it's really about. Tip toeing around someone who's not got a handle on their emotions is another way that the Narcissist controls the emotional.imate in the room. My entire childhood was ruined because my father was so ill all.he could do was lay on the sofa day in and day out complaining of Depression. This was in 1969. Today we call this Clinical Depression. We were terrified of waking him as he slept during the day. It was better to leave him there instead of taking a gamble on his mood in those days. My mother was so angry all the time she'd lash out and hit me in the face and head. Everyday. Every day. Years. Ivremember being 9 months pregnant ready to pop and I was scared..What if I don't BOND with my little boy the way my Mother didn't bond with me? What if I don't love him? The very second I saw him, my SON, I was in love.
To have love infused with abuse and neglect is very confusing.
The one thing that my Mom taught me is that you teach people how to treat you. After leaving an abusive marriage. I have done a lot of looking inward looking, spiritual work, and learned that I get to decide when, if, and how I act or react to others. As an adult, I have to tell people in my life at times that it's best to rest on issues when it began feels like my negative marriage and it's no longer productive, loving and kind. As young children we absolutely learn how to treat others and how to be treated. However, we can reinvent and shift our thinking to be more of 1 Corinthians 16:14. Let all that you do be done in love. Boundaries states I am not okay with this action, interaction, or whatever.
Recently started a relationship with my ex- husband's new girlfriend and set boundaries right out the gate. I let her know that if it no longer is positive, respectful, or something that is uplifting my son I will discontinue the relationship. I don't want to be part of any mess or messiness. I am about my kids and positivity.
Guilt tripping is also a form of manipulation....be careful of those individuals who do this as well! They're just as bad as the toxic/abusive family members!
Words are powerful. But mostly our words affects us, not the other person
I’m literally just floored that I landed onto this video! It’s right where I need to be . God bless you 😢
Unbelievably good- worked so hard to get to where I am- mostly alone but also with the most amazing husband- the validation this podcast brings to my story and work is freeing! Thank you x
Really great conversation, very intelligent. I think it is good to be honest with yourself and I like humble examination of self and personal course correction by following through with actions. The old adage "do unto others as you'd do unto yourself" goes a long way when you decide how to "show up" around others. If someone is toxic, then have that conversation and do it respectfully but if they cannot connect on the subject, then give them the time and space. Don't "push" someone to do something they don't want to do.
My mom got credit cards and utility bills in my name when I was a kid. As an adult trying to start my life, I ended up having my wages garnished, but before it happened a second time I filled a stolen identity report. To this day, 10 years later, she swears that she didn't do it and that it was her ex-husband, even though I know 100% that she did.
She is very pretty and smart. No guy gonna be able to take advantage of her in Any shape or form.
Thank you all for sitting down and having this in-depth discussion about setting boundaries and not being pushed around. Because of this video, I have reached out to two people who are near and dear to me and have wronged me to inform them of some boundaries that were abused in the past and to let them know that I won’t tolerate it anymore in the future. One person did apologize but she missed the whole message and even though I reached out to her, I did tell her I’m not ready to come around her yet and she basically asked me to come see her when she gets back in town next week or she can come see me. So I feel as if she missed the end of my message to her.
The other person completely understood where I was coming from and has vowed to not do it again. And there is the difference; some people really hear you and some just give lip service.
Some ppl love toxicity they enjoy the toxic ppl n relationship that's how they accept love care n upliftment they r comfortable being in that environment so how bout we let them stay there but for those who wanna get out u can take the leap b confident b bold ur Blessed n favored n beautiful inside n out
OMG GOLD!!! Thank you, this value is relevant for toxic workplace environments filled with insecure bullies also.
Omgggg so many people are walking around thinking “blocking” people because they DONT respect boundaries or not speaking to a parent for whatever reason. “THATS STILL UR DAD” is the most inaccurate way of looking at life… people do project their feelings so much is creates poor directional awareness!!! 🎉
I do not stay because of what ifs and people say im so heartless but no it actually means I have HEART enough to no when my heart is hurting!!! I have to move around!!!
Some people call it running away because they can’t grasp it!!!
Thank you!! This is the best ever session you’ve ever covered!!! Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this complex topic. My teen and I are on our own personal healing journeys as we work hard on ourselves to recover and heal from so many years of toxic abuse (psychopathic) and the very complex and destructive ptsd as a direct result of the many traumatic events we discovered we pushed so far down into our subconscious to mentally survive. We both have the strongest desire and willpower to continue to face our greatest demons to ultimately break free from their emotional bondage. We have come so far and the feelings of freedom can be so overwhelmingly liberating at times and then triggers remind just how much work is still ahead of us. It’s okay though. I’m learning that life is a perpetual continuum and we never really stop growing. For that I am forever grateful. Thank you for always trying to help us grow in positive ways. It matters. Thank you.
Do we need to go to the people who caused the harm to validate the harm❤️🔥
You will never get the validation you want from the person who caused the hurt .sad but true .you just have to get it through yourself
Amen to this! Thank you ladies! I sure needed this and know it's time to end the relationship I've been in for almost 2 years! I can't count the days we get along in a month.i don't do " drama" , and it's drama with him every day! He's my father in another body! His expectations are out of this world and I fail at something everyday in his eyes!! Makes me feel like a fool 😢but I'm sure I'm not the only one that's done this... And Lord over and over! Trying to fix my " can do no wrong" FATHER! WHOM IS ALWAYS DEMEANING , NEVER Encouraging, I CAN DO NO RIGHT!!!
28:18 OMG! To hear a professional acknowledge this and truly, everything these two amazing women are discussing is exactly the content on this subject that I have been looking for! Way to go RUclips Algorithm 😂- finally! Thank you for sharing this information. Grateful 🙏💜✨