Being Too Nice is Harmful, 2 Things We Need for Healing- Dr Gabor Mate
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- Опубликовано: 25 ноя 2022
- Dr GABOR Mate explains the importance of living an authentic life. Often we are too nice at the expense of suppressing our authenticity. A child has 2 needs.. Enjoy the captions!
There is hope - Dr Mate states that there is a way to heal from our trauma.
@yogawillheal
www.yogawillheal.com
For many years, I was way too nice to everyone, even people that didn't deserve it. I can speak from experience that the more I removed myself from my authenticity and my own needs, the bigger the need for addictions became, and the more unhealthy I became.
Ironically, the only person I wasn't being nice to, was myself.
Thank you for sharing Steven. Do you feel like you are in a healthier place now? We’d love your thoughts on our new video “Loving yourself by setting boundaries”
Really relate to that x
Gonna jump in and say that being too nice is also a way to push people away.
I've stopped looking at my own depression as something that's innate to my experience, and more of something that's actively being reinforced.
By other people or myself, it turns into an addiction to coping mechanisms that are sometimes enabled by well meaning people. As soon as I had that epiphany I stopped being nice just because people were being nice to me if it wasn't going to actually help my overall mental health improve. I need someone around me that will not mince words and let me know in being lazy or sad or less than I should be and doesn't let me bully my way back to relying on my old coping mechanism because of my stress.
Often you will hear people say they have no fear when they suffer from a debilitating condition. The worst has already happened. But the mind and body know that's a lie.
Things can always get worse and if your already handicapped by an injury, the only thing you get for ignoring it is a higher likelihood of getting hurt worse by pretending that everything is fine when it's actually the fear of getting hurt worse that keeps you putting a smile on your face so people leave you alone. When your alone. Isolated. Sad. You can think whatever you want about yourself and never have to face what your letting slowly fade away by holding yourself back. This is also part of the reason people get addicted to working out. Willing exposure to things that make you suffer or become uncomfortable is a tolerance that you develop. If you never push yourself to do what you know you can do... Depression gets worse. The addiction gets worse. Then your life gets worse. The hole gets deeper.
Same. I am 57 and just realized I can't go back and have my life again. I am stuck with the results of the choices I made. I was raised thinking that I must be nice and put other people first at the detriment of myself and what I wanted. Deep down I think I thought they will learn to be nice, validate me, and then I can focus on me. I now realize time is short, make your own life while you can. Don't have toxic people that drag you down in your life, even if they are siblings or parents.
It is not an irony, it is a rule.
I learned that being too strong means you get left behind. People just assume you can cope and leave you to it. Same as being too nice.
So good, so true. This has happened to me.
Absolutely, in my personal life and professional
Yes .. I hear you
I Have to agree. I have experienced and lived both sides of this coin. To be honest im beginning to realise that normal folks fall somewhere in the middle. My experience is that being too hard/too nice. Are both coping mechanisms and tools that are used to cope with issues that lie buried or/unaddressed. Generally 🤔
@@sandrawillis1334 Very good point. Why is everything so damned hard.
I love his balancing insights. It is not that being kind, open, warm, affectionate, supportive, and caring is a bad thing, it is that it becomes a problem when it is motivated as a coping/survival mechanism that suppresses your own needs
Agreed! Thank you for sharing
Well named.
Perfectly said.
We also just posted a short video on gratitude. I think this is the next step to being kind to yourself, noticing the things in your life and acknowledging that. ruclips.net/video/SvJ5459lRdw/видео.html
Boy! Is this me... Love Dr. Mate
"If you dont say no, the body will say no".
😳🤯👍
Soooo true♥️
That part!
Yes it does
When you accept your authentic self, be prepared to be hated and re-categorised by people who are too cowardly to focus on their own personal development and shortcomings ☝️
Man that is a true statement
So true❤😂❤
be prepared to put up meaningful boundaries in anticipation of the backlash
@@X3R0D3D Smart. It's best to plan for and to try and mitigate consequences of potential negative outcomes
Projection by people not living their own lives….. Hit the avoid switch.
Nothing wrong with being nice..until people don't appreciate it. At that stage avoid them.. your peace and health is everything. Help people who need help.
Thank you for sharing. Setting healthy boundaries is important. Check out our new video on “Loving yourself by setting boundaries” - let us know if you found anything in there helpful.
Ah. So it's the appreciation you're seeking, rather than the person's need? What if there is great need + lack of appreciation? Then you turn away? Just a thought/challenge for you in passing. (not criticizing of picking a fight, just offering a reflection point: when does your need outweigh theirs?) In GM's terms, can we be authentic without appreciation?
"people don't appreciate it" Yes. I have people who take it for granted. And I am severely disabled. No matter how clear I make it that I need my time for my health, or I've got nothing to give....or I get direct and angry. But not without warnings. Sigh. " At that stage avoid them" So right. If they can't learn limits or give anything in return but company, it's just not worth it.
@@antrygis1 fair enough. But for you, the yes/no part is what's relevant. Whether or not they are grateful is their problem, I suppose. If you make that your problem as well (beyond the yes/no) then you're adding to your own stress by noticing their ingratitude. People do seem to be very demanding and ungrateful (an unpleasant combination).
Anyway, I wish you and everyone here a very happy 2023 from Oz! 🤩🦘
@bina nocht Yes, good point. I think everyone here is making good points. I suppose we could look at it as a spectrum of value to each person. There is a point along that line at which you become a doormat, then a masochist - and at what point are you turning them into a state of clinging co-dependency? (Gee, I'm talking myself into going off to live on an island!) 😉
I don't care about being nice anymore. Some of the worse people I've known in my life are what others would consider "nice" on the outside, while underneath they were self serving snakes who simply had others fooled about who they really were. I care about being true to who I am, putting that out there in the world and letting the chips fall where they may. I care about being good, having integrity, a moral code by which I live. I care a great deal about helping people, however, I won't do it to my own detriment anymore and most of all, I don't care what anyone thinks about me, says about me, approves of me or who likes my decisions anymore. I'm the one who has to live with them, after all. I answer to myself, my husband and God and life is SO MUCH EASIER this way :) Wish I'd learned it all sooner but better late than never, right? :)
I love this, thank you for sharing your experience.
eventually it'll boost your confidence
Just my thoughts... I've been there too, i went through it too...
Right on Sister, more power to you!
Yes
Nothing Wrong to be nice. The problem is being nice to the Wrong or undeserving people.
Nice vs kind.
@@karemaur gosh!
Don't feed the wild animals..
it's wrong to be nice when you don't feel like being nice
By being kind, I went through loss of energy, time and money while helping my niece, once she moved to higher ground she totally cut me off. It hurt. Finally I broke the attachment. I became free.
I've been untangling my trauma all my life...now I finally like myself. what a ride huh?
Yes what a ride. Thanks for sharing.
How did u heal it?
@@SA-px3ln I went to a good therapist for a while. Once I realized how much shit was packed inside me I started reading Alice Miller's inner child books. what a genius she is!. then I wondered why. and I kept asking myself why this and why that. I mean not bugging myself just holding the questions open and letting the answers organically come when I was ready...sometimes it took years, you have to be patient with progress not perfection. I'm still learning at 73. and you have to be willing to look at hard stuff with honesty. It's a ride. good luck to us all
Being “ nice” is different from kindness. Kindness, kind or in “ in kind”, is reciprocity or a treating of the other as you’d like to be treated. It’s a generally friendly approach. Being nice is a forced “ saccharine “ sweet “ overly compliant way of treating everyone around you in the hopes of gaining their favour. Two different things. One says I respect and care for you and the other says I’m a doormat.
Don’t take my kindness for weakness.
Be authentic, speak ur truth, don't be too nice, don't be rude. Just be Assertive. Thats what iv learnt till now. Im not compromising on my mental health anymore.
Bahut badia ji, Too nice Syndrome leads to tension myositis syndrome.
TNS cause TMS.
It's sad though because the world needs more nice people but if you're nice, you gonna get used. Some people are genuinely nice with no pathology attached but they get used and burned out too.
I’m tired of being nice. I really appreciate Gabor Mate - he just tells it like it is.
Me too. Some of my nice is exhilarating and authentic which is fantastic progress -some lingers uncomfortably after & has become v depressing. We are on the right path 🌄
Wouldn’t it be great if everyone spoke truth so clearly?
Same! Always being so nice. Grew up in a domestic violence household living In fear...so grew up too fearful of being authentic. But slowly changing to stay true to my authentic self. Best wishes ❤
Nice is healthy. Too nice is harmful.
I don't think being nice is a bad thing. I think it becomes problematic when we put our needs last and everyone else's first is when it can cause serious problems for us!
Never be afraid to do what's right for your health
This needs to be heard a lot more.
I was once a people pleaser, i found when I did that I was putting myself down and them on a higher level. People would also take advantage, and expected me to always say yes. I don't do that anymore. I will help someone in a genuine way only. But if I don't want to do it I say no.
I was too nice for too long, I let everyone walk all over me. I had to go to therapy to learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty.
Thanks for sharing. We would love your thoughts on this video from GABOR Mate on saying “no”. Was it the same advise you got?
ruclips.net/video/TPSqh9kXAJQ/видео.html
Nothing wrong with saying No *
Saying no as a sentence
Shyness was born when we weren't able, because of fear, to be our authentic selves. As children, because of fear in a stressful situation, we had to behave in a way which was not authentic to us, so we felt ashamed for not being ourselves, for lying... I just had this epiphany through this eye opening video... the antidote to shyness is authenticity
I was a shy, timid, sensitive child. That was authentically me. I grew up in a loving, secure, stable home. I found the outside world judgmental, oppressive and it made me fearful. As an adult I remain a sensitive person. After some decades, I shed the fear by journeying inward and doing some soul searching. I’m happy with the person I am-I’ve learned to love myself.
He once was our Dr. back in the late 80’s in East Vancouver I was lucky to have such a smart guy to chat with about anything when I was a young single Mom/ He was always in the moment and present for all my troubles/ such a giving person/ I’m still learning from my old friend.
Wow,, thats amazing. Lucky you!☺
Thank you for sharing! Do you think it comes natural for him to be in the present moment? Or do you think he actively chose to be?
Amazing. Lucky you!
I am sure he knew as he gave that to me
Now I am one of the many British Columbians with no Dr. for about 20 years now is there anybody out there? Fraser valley/
Being nice is not the same as.being good. More important to be good. The correct amount of nice will follow.
Or not and thats ok
Having good character is more importnat than being nice indeed, good character means honest, being nice often means person has to lie in order not to dissapoint others
Nothing is as important as we think it is...
Inauthenticity is biggest cause of stress
.. Search for wholeness
This man is a National Treasure!
Canada please recognize this man already! 🌈👍❤️
1:01
My mum passed at 50, from lung cancer, and the doctors never found out how it originated. They said it wasn't because of smoking. She believed it was because of years of repressed negative feelings, stress... We'll never know. But she was the type of person to put the needs of others before hers, which everyone talked about as well.
Thank you for sharing.
Same with my Mum. X
Yazz, you’re describing both my parents.
As a child I learned to be very nice to keep the abuse at bay. I know now that I don't NEED to be nice, sweet, compliant or agreeable to be LOVED. I'm still nice but not to gain approval or acceptance. I love myself -- acknowledging and experiencing emotions -- and encourage others to do the same. ❤️
Right!
I was raised in the late 50's and we told children are ment to be seen and not heard. Stop your crying or I will give you something to really cry about. Yes, that generation was F*cked up!
My mom saved us kids
and taught us to be kind
to everyone. Kindness has no exception date she'd tell us. You be kind without saying a word. - actions speak louder than words. What you send into the lives of others, comes back into your own 🙏💛
I’m 56 and DONE !!! Very nice, very tolerant, very helpful very very F U C K I N VERY !!! I will stay kind but that’s it . Don’t GAF if I’m liked or loved
I don't give a fuck if I'm liked or loved either
so true and soo funny....love you.
I know what you mean. People will take advantage of those who give.
I'm done too Deborah x
56 years young as well and also stick a fork in me DONE! Focusing on ME 🙌🏾💞
I went to a Catholic school. We were taught to put others before ourselves. It is very difficult to unlearn.
Boy, I'll bet!
I have a few recovering catholic friends and I introduced them to Fr Richard Rohr on RUclips
Still a practicing Franciscan priest. I think you may appreciate him?
S.I.N.
Self Induced Nonsense 😉
What others think of you is means and not ends. You still care for others, but it is about kindness and not just being nice!
@@MinhNguyen-wz2wn
What's the difference between being nice or being kind?
To show kindness you are being nice as well
@@peacelovejoy8786 Yeah the 2 word is almost identical in regular use. However, it could be said that being kind is something more intrinsic, while being nice is the appearance/expression of the behavior. It is true that to show kindness you are being nice as well, but not all nice behavior can be seen as kind.
Sometimes, we act nice to get something in return, or to impress others (aka. worrying about what they think). Kindness is when you are sincere and generous with your actions, spreading true positivity.
I am also a Catholic and I have suffered from this misunderstanding. I think I have something to say here!
The Catholic church teaches us to put others before ourselves, not in a way that we should care about what others think of us, but by genuine good will to take care for each other's happiness and well-being. It means to do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit. It is also not to compare others with ourselves thinking we are not as good as them. What they think about you is a mean and not an end. For example in some cases where you take healthy criticism. Being nice is a good thing, but only when it comes from a genuine place of kindness and love. But anyway, afterall the Bible teaches us we should love ourselves just as everybody else.
This catechesis is more about putting our ego down for genuine humility. And humility is very far different from self-hatred. To see the differences, we simply need to see that life is neither comparative nor competitive. The fall of Satan is also because its ego want to be above everything. This attitude of egocentric might as well lead to envy. "Not only do I want what you have, but I don’t want you to have it" - you said in your mind. The origin and progress of evil is a two-sided problem: it is both the insecurity and ego that fuels it. By wanting something, you fear the opposite. In the case of Satan, the devil feels insecure having less power than God.
(That is not to say comparison is always bad, as long as it is a mean and not an end, that is still ok -> adopt a third person perspective to not trigger the ego)
The Bible tells us that we should not seek the approval of man, but of God. Galatians 1:10 says, "For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." When we try to please people, we are not serving Christ, but ourselves. We are trading our authenticity for attachment. We are caring more about what others think than what God thinks.
But how can we be nice without being a people-pleaser? How can we show respect and compassion to others without compromising our integrity and faith? The answer is to be nice with the right reason: genuine kindness. Genuine kindness is not motivated by fear or selfishness, but by humility, gratefulness and grace. Genuine kindness is not about impressing others or getting something in return, but about honoring God and blessing others.
The Bible teaches us to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). This means that we should treat ourselves as someone responsible for taking care of. We should not neglect our own needs, values, and convictions to please others. We should not let others manipulate or abuse us. We should not be afraid to say no when we need to. We should also treat others as someone responsible for taking care of. We should not judge or criticize them harshly. We should not lie or flatter them insincerely. We should not enable or encourage their sin. We should speak the truth in love and help them grow in Christ.
To be nice without being a people-pleaser, we need to see the world in a third person perspective: through God's lens! We need to remember that God is the ultimate judge and rewarder of our actions. In a way, if this whole existence is a movie, God is the ultimate main character. The Bible said "Without Me you can do nothing" (Ga15,5) We need to seek His will and glory in everything we do. Colossians 3:23 says, "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;" When we do this, we will be free from the fear of man and the bondage of people-pleasing. We will be able to be nice without being a people-pleaser.
In short, putting others above yourself means looking at their interest instead of your own, honor one another and to serve each other with unconditional love and worth!
Being nice is good as long as we don’t abandon self. You come first and nice comes second.
I learned a lot of this. End up being used and abused never be so too nice. Be wise.
After having done 10 years of psychotherapy in my twenties I can say only this:
This video is sooooo SUPREMELY true.❤
Wow how commendable. If we dont fix ourselves we pass it on. Well done i so admire your courage. I have come to realise its the wounded sensitive people who seek therapy because of harm done to us by others. We have to rise above it. Its a long process but so worthwhile.
I've always given my all in relationships.. friendships too.. but once you show me insincerity, inauthenticity, I'm done.
Being authentic is more important than being nice. I only learned this after my training for Tension and trauma Release Exercises. I am slowly releasing the stored up tension. It's so important to be connected to ourselves.
We agree! Thank you for sharing. Being true to your authentic self is one of the most important things a person can do.
Fascinating. I am slowly releasing decades of stored up tension/trauma after a eureeka moment reading 'Healing Back Pain' by Dr John Sarno.
Please share your tension and trauma RELEASE training exercise
What are the exercises that you do to release tension and trauma? I would love to release any that I have within me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Necessary Now💯🎉⚛️🎆🌠🙌🏽
He is absolutely correct. As I have done so much work I have healed:
Stage three colon cancer
Arthritis in my foot
Prolapse.
All are gone and I am healthier than I was in my 20s. I am 53.
Thank you for sharing! Did you use any of the healing tools mentioned in our videos
On “how to heal trauma”? Or did you take a different direction.
What a blessing!!!
Thank you. This gives me hope for a better life after my depressed childhood
@@eeaglllee I had depression and anorexia as well as a child. My life changed when I had an awakening. I realized the deception.
@@Anastasiaharris1111 how did you do that? It's 3 years since I started but I still feel like I'm controlled by my bad habits and thinking
Only child that went through so much pain and fear could go that deep with understanding Human and surrounding world 🙏
Isn’t that so true. Going through pain helps a person become more aware when others are going through a similar journey.
As a breast cancer survivor who would do anything for anyone at any time, this resonates with me.
I still have to find a way to climb out of my sacrificial, giving self.
Thank you for sharing
Same here :)
@@monsoongirlnyc 🤍
I learned when I was flat out on my back in excruciating pain after back surgery that being nice had gotten me nowhere. I was on my own (Except my son's). No one cared or wondered how I was but 1 person 1time. It was a Great Awakening!! My whole perspective changed and I don't give my energy away anymore. Take care of yourself first!!
@@GetReal72 What a wake up call. Yes we need to take care of US first.
When you are scared and fearful you are disempowered. When in that position you cannot imagine anything else. When things go wrong its eats away at our self-confidence and in comes a Guru to tell you its all about trauma and making you believe there is something inside you making you feel bad. It does not leave open the possibility that the reason you feel bad is because you live in a shitty society.
People pleasing to belong is a betrayal of self. I learned that a relationship with myself first is paramount, and becoming authentic in my expression of self is the road to healing. I am able to authentically participate in reciprocity without people pleasing. Dr Mate, thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Yeah, people pleasing is a dangerous game.
I’m looking after my own needs now and prioritising myself. I’m not over extending myself to people anymore. I have noticed that the nicer you are to some people , the nastier and more disrespectful they are.
I’ve learnt to avoid such people.
I had a very traumatic experience when I was four or five years old and lost touch with all my feelings except extreme sadness or anger. Took me years of therapy to find out what many of my feelings actually were and how much fear I still cope with.
Thank you for sharing and being real. Did you use any of the self soothing techniques we listed in one of our videos? ruclips.net/video/Yjwkgbjxyv8/видео.html we’d love to know how you learned to heal.
Kathleen what you wrote resonated with me. I too have childhood trauma. I find it hard to feel much. I certainly can ever barely laugh. I can watch a comedy, think it funny but can't bring myself to laughter. How do you cope as an adult these days?
@@adoptada12 Oh, Magda, not to discourage you, but I've been working on it for 50 years, off and on. It can't be done all at once. My first steps were a peer counseling group along with one-on-one counseling. There's too much to say in a semi-anonymous post and I don't know how we could connect privately. Working on my spiritual beliefs was also a major part of it.
Well done and am so sorry you were so harmed so young. You will get through.
As epileptic I gained control of my seizures that were severe. All by how to handle my thoughts. All Gabor said is so true! No one in my family could handle my disorders. My challenge to fit into the flow of life. Thanks to beautiful people I learned to handle the battlefields of my mind.
The point he makes at 2:59 about a child having a parent or parents that for one reason or another can't handle a child's being their authentic self and the result that has on the child is spot-on. I was raised by a parent who was part of a very controlling belief system. On top of this, this parent of mine was very stressed out and dealing with trauma of their own from their childhood. As a result of this, although trying to do the right thing, my parent could not handle me or any of my siblings being authentic to ourselves. We had to act look and say the things that were expected. If we didn't my parent would just simply go to pieces on us. And then on top of it we would have the scrutiny of other people within the religious belief system we grew up in. Just as he says in the video, this has left me growing up not really knowing what I need or want out of life. I grew up being a people-pleaser, to the point of suppressing my own needs and feelings on an almost constant basis. This was indeed a survival mechanism. I'm no longer with the belief system I grew up and my parents have long since passed, but I still bear the scars and have the old tapes running in my head many times. It's still a real struggle at times to be authentic to myself, though I am trying. The information in this video is priceless
These are serious talks are here. I myself had similar kinds of experiences with my parents through my childhood which still pressures me to follow the self-suppressing mechanism at my 30s.
@@Yaseen_Khandoker believe it or not I’m 44 and still struggle with this. I’ve only just began realising it. My parents were really abusive. I suppose they themselves were survivors of abuse and just passed it on.
This is a valid point, and unfortunately there are still people in adulthood who find themselves having to go along with their family’s belief system as they need them for financial survival, as what with the economy being the way it is some children have to live at home into adulthood or are reliant on family loans etc to get their own place. I know many adults who are not religious but are pressured into getting married in the religion of their parents, not all these people are reliant financially on their parents anymore, yet through some inexplicable reason still feel compelled to go along with this as they don’t want to offend their parent, yet the parents don’t seem to care about offending the child by pressuring them into marrying into a belief system. The irony is the whole thing is a sham anyway, because if the child no longer believes it makes the wedding in their church a facade.
James,
We grew up in a very similar situation. The expectation was perfection, rather than authentic self development.
It was rigid, and suffocating.
It’s so hard not to resent that toxic perfectionism, although my parents changed.
Have you forgiven or feel the need to?
The denial of my authentic personhood left scars.
@@nicolecarnevale3226 Nicole, thanks for your reply. Yes, I have forgiven and moved on, but both my parents have passed on, and my forgiving came after they passed. I guess in that context I still feel some lack of closure, but we have to do our best with what is available, and so I thank them for teaching me what i came here to learn instead of feeling resentful. But like you, I still feel the scars now and then.
I hope you are making progress in your journey as well.
🙂
This was my dad. Too nice and too kind. Dead by his early 50s 😢
I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully we can learn from others mistakes. Happy New Year!
My dad was like that as well although he live to be 71 years for 12 yrs that cancer--only because of all the advancements in multiple myeloma bone marrow cancer that he lived that long. I would say I'm almost sure because he kept everything inside his real feelings even to us that he just could not do it, would not express any negativity or assert himself, even to the couple friends he had. he could never say no . His mother was so overbearing. I also became very nice but it did affect my body where I have a lot of degeneration in my spine etc at age 58 but I do express my anger I mean I try to I don't always do it appropriately or do it all, I don't do it at all. I'm still a bit of a people pleaser and hate that. But it's so amazing the what dr. Gabor mate has saying. Childhood stuff can really stay with you.
Being nice to bad things is harmful
I would argue being too nice CAN be harmful. It doesn't have to be. At a certain point you become easy to manipulate and sacrifice your life to misguided ideas about being a helper. A martyr. In such a situation only you suffer and there are no winners. Beyond certain personality types, however, I would argue that 'too nice' isn't a problem here in America. Selfishness and being non-connected is more the norm.
You make a really good point. Thank you for sharing. If you have any suggestions on how we can learn more about letting go of selfishness, please post it here.
kindness and trust can be used against a man by his enemies
i would argue there is not enough kindness and nice people in the world and that the world is full of hard hearted people.
Me too!
Kindness is free and you don't have to say a word 🤩
@@peacelovejoy8786 you cant give what is good and free away these days.
Beautiful. Everyone with chronic illness needs to hear this.
We agree!
I am listening
@@yogawillheal reported for spamming.
@@T-aka-T ? How did we spam? We are new to RUclips, and want to make sure this doesn't happen again. Do you get a notice every time there is a comment?
@@yogawillheal OK, so it's just that it's not done. Not the way to get business.
I was not notified - I just noticed the multiple comments at a very high level as I was scrolling through. You use a business name for posting, and post over and over. That suggests you're trying to drive traffic rather than being in a conversation. There are people on these channels who are paid to be "influencers" in that way and it's irritating rather than good marketing.
It is a balance of being decent and not being a walk over
I’m 59, 60 next year in may2023. I’m so detached from my family…, I didn’t want yo be. But I married a gu6 who was a arbor copy of my narcissistic mother…, All my life I coped coped coped…then my husband…I married at 18. He was already 36…narcissistic…manipulative leader!. After 18 years..I left and it ripped my life, my children’s life apart. …as I said…I’m 60 next year.., I lost 😞 my children. It’s hurting me deeper than you know. And again , I’ll be totally alone this Christmas 19 years in a row. ., I need to heal something. I’m alone. Trying to succeed. No money , no future breaking the pattern has to rebuild me. But, yes? I’m alone.
Hang in there!
I truly understand. I’m 59 this year, almost divorced, family broken and separated although children are grown up.
But I see a lonely future. Alone.
I hear you ~ Peace be with you 🕊️
I wish you kindness & peace of mind
Gabor’s work is deep. I’m so thankful for his courage and intelligence. Spot on.
I have always had a great need for approval, I am growing out of that now, but my people pleasing tendencies continue to run my life and, I am made to feel guilty by my family if they don’t get invited to events ect… I don’t know if I have ever been authentic 😢. My family is very sensitive, so I am working on gentle ways of saying, “I just wanted to do my own thing “
I find that you teach people how to treat you - family included.
Setting some sort of boundaries and staying firm about them, helped me out quite a bit.
If all else fails, remember - you don't live on the earth, you are passing through it 🤗
Love & Light 🙏💛
Learn to really love yourself. To be there for yourself even if others won’t be there for you. To appreciate how beautiful you are as a person even if others doesn’t care about you. It is okay if sometimes we prioritize other needs than ours but have boundaries. Sometimes we understand them
Because we had terrible past experiences that made us compassionate. Just have the wisdom when to stop because just like them, you also have needs to fulfill.
Beautiful. I agree🌅
Thank you for sharing Karen. Have you heard our latest video on “Loving yourself by setting boundaries”? We’d love your thoughts on what Dr Mate shared there.
I'd like to think we do our best with our children, based on our own upbringing. It's difficult. Always been that one going out of my way to help. Been shat on by those closest. Age 58 I'm trying to find myself. Turning off the coping mechanism to put myself first, it feels alien. Love to all as we try to move forward.
Dr Joe Dispenza work is amazing. Neuroplasticity is a fact, we can change the brain and the way we experience life. Blessings ✨
Amen. I hear ya. Wish I could start life all over with NOW knowing how to have boundaries
Exactly. Alien. It feels like it's not even an option.
When i was a child my mom would always have rage attacks when i expressed emotions or had a problem or if i was anything other than quite meek and pleasing/kind, coperative and boosting her ego.
Im a adult now but i still find it really scary to advocate for my own needs and well being. Im kinda afraid im asking too much or that the other person would get really angry or i get the feeling its futile and not worth the effort.
Same
@@chris-ci7ch you might be dealing with a narc...chances are that u attracted him, as u were exposed from childhood ( the father figure was same) to this kind of relationship; i would suggest you watch dr Ramani, great explanatory videos on youtube
Same
I remind myself that how people treat me doesn't tell me anything about me, it tells me something about them.
Same. 64 years old and still struggle with this.
Finally being able to be my own authentic self ws eye-opening. For my first 46 years i learned to be someone other than my authentic self. Severe burn-out was my inner cry, and the way for my authentic self to finally resurface. For the next 46 years i would like to get to know the real me, because i like her, i like what she does and i love her ❤
Mu mother was always angry, everything was my fault (I felt), my dad was weak. I’ve grown up giving everything to others. When I did become selfish I’ve damaged many people. Now I am apathetic.
Absolutely. Most problems arise from being too nice. Be nice, loving, kind to yourself. Things improve immediately
Life teaches you as you live and learn someone will always take advantage of you but you can’t let it continue you must come first before anyone else
NON-ATTACHMENT 🗝
ATTACHMENT has the power to completely take us away from the present, keeping us absent by attending either to the past or the future, longing for things to be final or permanent. ❎
CONNECTION, on the other hand, faithfully makes room for the unexpected now. Connection is intimate, serendipitously synced, in harmony and flow, vulnerable and present. ☑️
Thank you for sharing Louise.
@@yogawillheal You're welcome Dr Angie Holzer, I'm thinking there's many ways to perceive various concepts such as attachment and I like to to think outside the box when it comes to healing.
Gabor Mate' is very wise and a favourite of mine yet I wish he'd include more definitive paradigm shifts that cut cleanly through any perception deceptions such as that by removing our sense of injury we remove the injury itself so we can all simply choose to be more higher vibe loving, grateful, compassionate, sincere and forgiving of ourselves and others and thereby become wholly integrated and better able to thrive in any environment.
NON-ATTACHMENT IS THE KEY 🗝 TO INNER PEACE : 😌
"The root of all suffering is attachment." - The Buddha (Buddhism)
"When we come to non-attachment, then we can understand the marvelous mystery of the Universe : how it is intense activity and at the same time intense peace, how it is work every moment and rest every moment." - Swami Vivekananda (Hindu Tradition).
"Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be like this, you will be near to the Way." - Zen saying.
"Act without expectation." - Lao Tzu (Taoism).
"He who is attached to things will suffer much." - Tao Te Ching.
Aparigraha or Non-attachment is one of the three pillars of Jainism.
"Attach not thyself to anything unless in it thou seest the reality of God." - Abdu’l-Baha (Bahá’í Faith).
"Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you." - Ali Ibn Abi Talib (Islam).
Non-attachment is not about being a cold or emotionally dead brick wall, instead, it’s about learning how to let go of the thoughts and emotions that create suffering.
True non-attachment allows us to live in this world fully, without being attached to people, things or thoughts that create suffering.
The heart has no judgment or fear as it has no ego. Combine thought, feeling and emotion to create the One single eye of the heart that doesn't see right or wrong, good or bad, it simply sees what has happened as it is without judgment, assumption, expectation or insistence that it be otherwise.
This continuous walking path to heart-brain harmonic congruence that we call by many names such as prana, energy body, EMF or closer yet in meaning, "Shante Ishta," a Cherokee phrase meaning "The Single Eye of the Heart." It signifies clarity and an opening of the heart in compassion without judgement.
Once we can stop being so attached to our thoughts, we experience tremendous relief, inner peace, and a pervading sense of joyful well-being.
So how do we let go of our thoughts and emotions? It's essentially a process of unbecoming by stripping away everything that doesn't allow our true self to shine. We can learn to look inwards and observe to disentangle and detach ourselves from any limiting beliefs or patterns, negative thoughts and emotional associations that no longer serve good purpose through practices such as mindful awareness, meditation, journalling and self-inquiry.
When we can simply allow life to unfold naturally without being attached to outcomes, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, emotions or opinions, then we experience true non-attachment.
Picture this process of detachment like being an ice cube that slowly melts down into a puddle of flowing water.
Water, like the practice of non-attachment, flows with life effortlessly and peacefully, whereas ice cubes do not.
The goal of non-attachment, therefore, is to become like water and flow. 🌊
Essentially, non-attachment is about letting go of everything, both physical and non-physical - or what spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle refer to as “dying before you die.” At first, this sounds scary, but dying before you die really only means letting go of everything that is preventing you from finding what is true, eternal, unchanging, and forever present.
In the words of Eckhardt Tolle,
"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die - and find that there is no death.”
So non-attachment, at the deepest level, is about returning back to your True Nature or Higher Self by loosening the grip of the mind on internal and external things.
When we stop clinging to internal and external phenomena, our whole relationship with life is transformed. Here is what may (or may not) happen when you learn how to practice acceptance and surrender:
🔹 You will stop being controlled by your emotions, instead, you’ll become interested in them.
🔹You won’t be attached to the outcome, meaning that you’ll be free from the dread, anxiety, and inner tension that comes with clinging to expectations.
🔹You’ll be more curious, open, and spontaneous because you have no predetermined desire or craving.
🔹You’ll be more peaceful and less neurotic, meaning that your relationships and friendships will drastically improve.
🔹You’ll feel consistently relaxed and serene because you’re not identifying with your thoughts and feelings and instead you’re witnessing them as a “passive observer.”
🔹You’ll be more resilient in the face of loss and death because you’re not attached to people and realize that all things are ephemeral.
🔹You’ll feel a sense of expansive freedom because you’re no longer a slave to the mind.
🔹You’ll feel a sense of wholeness because you don’t need or want anything in particular, you’re happy just as you are in the present moment.
🔹You’ll feel more love for yourself and others because you’re not vicariously attaching to beliefs and expectations about who you/others “should” be or what “shouldn’t” happen - you’ll give yourself and other people freedom to be themselves without judgment.
🔹You’ll experience more synchronicity as life unfolds effortlessly and naturally.
🔹You’ll no longer be addicted to “getting” things or filling an empty hole in yourself because you're content knowing you're whole in and of yourself as you no longer attach to the belief that someone or something outside of yourself can or will “complete” you.
🔹You’ll feel more grounded and connected to life because you’re not lost in thought-based attachments - you’ll actually participate in life more fully.
🔹Your mind will become clear and you’ll be able to perceive the truth more easily.
🔹You’ll feel gratitude, love, compassion, and happiness permeate your life as you have let go of the need to chase happiness (which creates unhappiness).
Put non-resistance and non-judgment together with non-attachment, and you have a recipe for complete inner peace. Why? When we stop resisting life and judging things to be “good” or “bad,” we naturally let go of a lot of anger, hatred, pride, envy, fear, grief and sadness and harmonise instead with the enduring truth and beauty that exists in every moment." ~ lonerwolf website.
“He was only a fox, like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”
- Antoine De Saint Exupery, The Little Prince.
2 Corinthians 4:18, NIV: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Non-attachment via heart-mind congruence is to become the living prayer as a pervasive truth.
It's key to appreciating why we need to stop outsourcing ourselves by judging and comparing others and rather turn inwards and develop balance and an INTERNAL locus of control. We become both creator and creation in the process of rhythmic balanced interchange.
Everything cruel and unconscious
done in the illusion of the present world, all that does not fade away at the death-waking. All which stays, needs to be reinterpreted as pain alchemised to purpose from within.
Insistence on our own way creates resistence, we must remember to give only from our cup's overflow and first do no harm by allowing and respecting other's boundaries and rightful place in things.
The ho’oponopono prayer is an awesome exercise in forgiveness, it goes like this:
🙏 “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” 💕✌️
@@louisegarner8888 Bravo! I think this is fantastic! I’d love to do a video on non-attachment. I may pull from your quotes and thoughts you shared. Thank you
@@yogawillheal You're very welcome and thanks so much for your kind words, I appreciate you and the work you're doing. 💞
@Mariah Posa That's wonderful Mariah, I agree Dr Mate' is very relatable and a great help to many. Thank you for subscribing, I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New year xox 💐🙏🎄🎅🎁🎉😊✌️
People dont like being truthful. People around me want me to be nice and affectionate. They dont want me to be authentic. I feel being authentic is costly.
Thanks for sharing.
It is but then you realize these dont want to know the authentic you. Ok but maybe you need people who do want to know the authentic you. Balance and joyfulness and laughter and love.
I know, I’m done being nice. It has to stop. What a shame.
Accept your vulnerabilities but never show up before a narcissist
I read somewhere that a child need our parents to recognise us, to reflect back to us who we are.
I find it extremely difficult being authentic, as a kid growing up, my parents always pushed me and my brother into isolation because of their constant arguing and forcing us to pick sides. Im 30 going on 31, and to this day I still find it difficult to be authentic because of how used to repressing my feelings I am. Still trying to overcome that hurdle, but until then I still feel I'm being too nice to avoid being upset and upsetting others, and it only leaves me feeling empty yet full of regret
Thanks for sharing. I think we all struggle with understanding how to be authentic. The fact that you’re aware of it is a huge step forward to finding your authentic self. You’re moving in the right direction. I think that’s all we can hope for most days.
I feel the exact same, it's really difficult. Seems like the only people we can't be nice to is ourselves.
I guess it just goes to show you that even upset is necessary. If you don't hate what you hate, you're never going to be able to enjoy anything.
I have been nice all my life and been stepped on, bullied and taken advantage of. Work especially. So I'm not being nice now and say that the Dr (Soye) who stressed out animals in a laboratory and made them ill and experimented on them may have been a great humanitarian to you but a shame he didnt have any empathy about animals. They are as important. I'm feeling stressed right now thinking about it.
In a healthy system, attachment and authenticity should support each other.
I came in this world because I am pure Love❤
All we need is a Truth, Healing and LOVE Revolution in ourselfs. And all that makes suffering is not true!
Because if I still think I am not good enough, especially us women, I forgot who I am really are!
So if someone wants to bother you, instead of healing her or himself say NO!
As a Thyroid cancer survivor, I can say that the huge amount of stress I experienced as a child , adolescent, and event now as an adult was and is big and difficult to avoid, but I try my best because my doctors related my illness with the stress, and of course if I don't try to be in real peace the sickness can come back. So yes now I try to put myself first.
Thanks for sharing Alexa. We’d love your thoughts on the latest video well posted on “Loving yourself by setting boundaries”..
ruclips.net/video/TYrKmx6OHV0/видео.html
I too survived thyroid cancer when I was 25. I now have leukemia and am on maintenance chemo. I know my body and mind have reacted to trauma. Being here, listening to these words, is another step towards Authenticity.
Wishing You all the Best.
It's not that we need to learn to be less nice to people, but rather that we need to hone and develop our niceness and be able to use it in a much more judicious and efficient manner. This takes time to develop, but there's absolutely no rush to get there. It helps a lot when you learn to love yourself.
I never heard anything making more sense than this. So many questions are now answerable.
Gives new meaning to "only the good die young".
thank God we are blessed in our time with people like Dr Gabor Maté to help us navigate this insane world.
A line from a Bob Dylan song goes like this : 'when something'isn't right it's wrong '
Hans Seyle was the G.O.A.T! When I stopped being nice/inauthentic I became whole. I got draked 😂😂😂😂 lost alot of friends, but found peace. A fair trade indeed! Here’s to health/wholeness!
My pattern was to give money, gifts, to do favors for people who used my kindness to take advantage of me. I don’t have many good friends. Very few. Really pretty much majority of people want something from you, they have an agenda and so you have to carefully weave out people who are genuinely interested in you because of you and those who are interested in you for all the things you can do for them., or what they can get out of you.
A lot of people dont appreciate kindness and they would rather dwell in their pity.
I love this man. A gentle voice of reason and the way forward for anyone, no matter what happened in your life.
To be brave is, unconditionally, to love without expecting anything in return.❤
Thank you for sharing. To love without expecting anything in return - that’s a hard thing to do sometimes.
Suddenly, the world becomes a better place! Great vision with wisdom. The best to you!!!
So sad with a violent father and aggressive sister I learned early to be the clown and look after everyone ...Thank goodness years later I had a head and neck injury ...and I woke up ! ...a bit late but better than never .
(Interdependent altruism vs. Co-dependent individualism) In a self-centered, competitive, alpha environment, my energy is devoured by conflict, the happiness and kindness self-defense of the enabler (Cortisol), tirelessly trying to ease the suffering of others, as the situation demands and depends on conflict. But, when I'm around kids (Third Grade Teacher), old people, or when I am volunteering with other community oriented people, team players, I feel liberated and take on new form, and no longer need to concern myself with otherness, after all, "we are all on the same team, community is the valued gratification, the goal." #Community vs #Individualism #Capitalism, #Minimalism
When this addict and selfish driven culture crashes and burns (Pendulum Affect), the concerned and caring people will be the leaders. All we ever had to do was protect our vulnerable populations and respect life, the heart in which connects us all, as your eyes lies (Personal perception). Appreciating and respecting life will be the ultimate reward instead of hope addiction, promised freedom, drugs, sex, money, neglect of life in the present, self avoidance, "self-sacrifice," destruction and hyperspeed, a total preoccupation with death, due to our avoidance of our hearts, a zombie that thirsts for brains.
I think it's much more important to be good. You don't have to be nice. Nice is superficial. Ultimately what are your actions? Is it good.
It was my biggest problem and downfall in life being too nice ,I got used and abused badly .luckily I have now toughen up and I only look after me and my needs and happiness and I have never felt so content and loving my life ,The word I now use is NO !!!!
There's a happy medium
Setting boundaries and making sure your kindness isn't a sign of weakness. Let em know right away. No more dividing, God knows this country is divided enough
Even issues of colorism which starts within ones ethnic racial group can create the "too nice " syndrome. Being constantly bullied for having darkskin , from your own community increases the chances of being sexually abused and ending up in abusive situations ( friends, workplace /bosses, family , teachers ) and intimate relationships.
Being too nice kills the BEST of you your God self . My journey to entrepreneurship, has definitely helped me to create healthy boundaries.
Exactly! My bestie & I have been keeping our stats over the last 10 yrs. We’ve noticed the people that die of cancer are people that are busy taking care of others. With Alzheimer’s we noticed that these people gave up themselves for the partner. Gave up their lives - very subtle but that one thing they gave up to please the partner was very extreme.
I'm intrigued. What else did yall discover? I've had this thought but didn't think to track it.
Don’t be too soft,don’t be too hard.find balance in your life.
I have been associated with 12 step program for decades, Al-Anon specifically. In all this time I never realized and it was never brought to my attention that I was very often 'fawning'. I was thought so strong but I wasn't and I look back and realized I was doing this to keep peace when the peace often needed busting wide open!! Dr Mate' is so right about being authentic! I always thought I was and in many ways it was true but I'm grateful I finally saw this in myself!! #autoimmunepostergirl #behonestwithyourself.
Our authenticity as children is so hard. So much of who we are authentically are has to be suppressed for multiple reasons. Authentically my son loves so many things that are tolerated at schools. We are so programmed.
Treat everyone with kindness...until they do or say something to undermine your gift.
That’s a great thought. One of the hardest things to do is treating people with kindness even though they aren’t kind to others. How do you still stay kind even though others treat you unkindly?
@@yogawillheal brush off the unkindness and seek kind people. in work, it's hard, but in one's personal life it's easier. great price of advice I heard from my father after an awkward thanksgiving: "you can choose your family"
Thank you so much for sharing Dr.Gabor Maté's insights on that being-too-nice-syndrom. I see clearly now how it happens. It gives me a lot of courage!
We are so glad to hear it. Please share this video with others.
@@yogawillheal
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@@geraldineperea9773 it is a spammer
I always struggled with this over the years and especially when I was younger. My dad always told me to have a backbone. I've always had to learned that the older I got and especially at the workplace. I love being nice but learning to stand for justice in a godly way. Meaning if there's an issue, it's ok to confront it.
I wonder how many people who feel that they are too nice and put their feelings aside have dealt with cancer... I strongly believe that in a lot of cases this sickness can be due to repressed feelings and emotions. I see it as an amount of cells of negativity, stress, anger coming together, festering, then taking over everything around them, because the bad energy outweighs the good. I mean this is how I see it in my head, of course no medical professional would explain it that way...
Well said...
Doc, you are amazing 🙏
I have struggled between putting others needs first (usually as a parent which is a fine line because that is a part of parenting, after all I couldn’t very well tend an infant child teen young adult the way I was which was self motivated) and being uninterested in the needs of others. I love listening to this man and also find the closer I am to Christ, the more I can care for others without vetting deleted because Christ continually feeds my soul. When I begin to obsess about life the waves overwhelm me. I talk to God and He releases the angst and shows me how to see, through His eyes, the fear and pain of others.
His thoughts always make sense to me. Thank you for sharing.
I love you, Dr Mate x
This man is amazing, thank you so much for the share!
I actually really, really needed to hear this at exactly this point in time. Thank you for posting it, and for making these concepts so easily understood.
Dr Gabor is THE answer to everything
Very insightful!!
Thank you. 🌻