10 Struggles of Being the Borderline's Favourite Person
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- Опубликовано: 8 май 2024
- In this video I talk about the struggles of being a person with BPD's Favourite person. A Favourite person is someone that the person with BPD depends on as a source of comfort, support, stabilization, and often a source of constant validation and reassurance. This can be a huge amount of pressure and can quickly become overwhelming and suffocating. It can induce feelings of failure, guilt, and fearguilt especially if you have to end the relationship to save your sanity. I
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Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. All content is for general information purposes only and does not replace a mental health care of consultation with a health professional.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
Introduction (0:00)
What is an FP? (0:38)
1: Relied on Heavily (1:32)
2: Obsession (2:20)
3: Fear of Abandonment (3:16)
4: No-Win Situations (4:17)
5: Extreme Jealousy (6:02)
6: Splitting (6:28)
7: Guilt (8:24)
8: Resentment (10:03)
9: Fear (11:10)
10: Discard (12:05)
#borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #personalitydisorder
"As a favourite person you may start to feel resentment as a lot of your time and energy is spent on stabilizing" wow !
Indeed. I hate that feeling, it's an endless loop of feeling guilty about feeling guilty
@@Yarblocosifilitico what is there to feel guilty about as a FP?
@@tflowe3288 read the OP
@Yarbloco I mean, actions deserve reactions. Just like them, it's up to you to decide what to do and say. I can resent their actions but not hate someone and hold a grudge at the same time
@@tflowe3288 huh? Who said anything about hating the person with BPD?
All the OP and I said is that being a FP drains a lot of your energy and tests your boundaries a lot, so it can be tough to manage.
As a person with BPD, we don't Choose the FP. It happens on a subconscious level.
Or someone who has been heavily complimenting or validating us..
Right
my fp is a boy literally turned me gay lool
@@whitedom2041 whoa, thats a whole side i never even thought about, i'm glad you lool'd
FPs are usually very empathetic, patient, caring & forgiving.
Often FPs were parentified by a BPD parent, and put others ahead of themselves & just suck it up.
These qualities get used against FP's - they feel wretched & helpless as they get torn apart.
CAN’T WIN. Avoiding telling them about anything that made you happy that day because they will find the negative and obsess and focus on it and ruin any chance that you aren’t living a stressful life
When we’re replaced by another FP, that's also very painful. While people with BPD have a favorite person, the FP can see their borderline friend as their closest companion too
I can't wait to be replaced by another FP. If you like being abused you also have issues which need to be addressed.
@@sarahwagland1559 Not all people with BPD are abusive. I have known several (like five or so) people with BPD, and only two of them were really bad. It sounds like you're going through it, though. Hope your situation improves soon.
Blocking and cutting off the BPD after they have done the splitting and replaced is an excellent intervention to prevent feeling abandoned, rejected, thrown away, etc.
@@justinjefferson6884were the two people ones you were close with while the others were not close to you?
@@heyarnold5576 I lived with three of the five I mentioned. I was close to one that was not abusive, but was still an obviously very damaged and dysfunctional person, though not a malicious one.
As a person who probably has BPD, what might work in some cases is to stand your ground and repeatedly remind the BPD person that you're not responsible for their emotional turmoil. They will get angry and suffer, but they probably won't leave you because you're the most important thing in the world to them. At some point they might realize that you're right. At least that's what happened with me and my past favourite person. He was immune to my attacks and helped me understand that I was blaming him for my own emotions. But for that to work, the person has to be open to change and become better. The most important thing is that they get professional help. If they're not willing to, don't waste your energy on them
Doesn't work. My BPD literally Doesn't agree and blames me for every negative emotion she has (that she makes up in her head), no amount of "your happiness has to come from you, I cannot regulate your emotions for you' will ever sink in. Worst choice I ever made ib my life.
@@airthrowDBTthe only thing that works is getting away from them. 25 years and three kids later I figured it out. I can’t believe I never realized she had BPD. It was a “can’t see the forest through the trees scenario”. Being young (I was 16 and she was 14 when we met) surely didn’t help. I was so stupidly in love that I couldn’t see how badly manipulated I had been until I finally left her after years of her cheating and addiction and rehab…. And more cheating
Luckily I’m happily remarried and I have all three of my kids 100% of the time. It just sucks that my kids lost the mother they thought they knew
Being a FP is really exhausting and at the end of the day, toxic in my experiences
Agreed. It happened to me once and I’ll never again allow it.
@@mws12345 maybe... but I trust that I learn from my past relational dynamics and I am a firm believer that luck favors the prepared. By understanding my needs/boundaries and by continuing to educate myself on BPD, trauma responses, insecure attachment, etc., I am very confident that "luck" will be on my side. Thank you for the feedback. It is heard and appreciated.
Giving up sure is easy
Agreed... I'm a very loving and patient person, but I just couldn't do it anymore after a year and a half... I was completely drained close to a burnout and lost so much of myself... I have sympathy for everyone with bpd, but never ever again am I gonna let it get this far, you're right it is toxic, for both I believe..... 😢
@@shawncc89 little untrue don’t you think. Their behaviors can be literally abuse. ‘Giving up’, or some people would call it not allowing someone to abuse you, isn’t easy
The worst is when they know they have bpd and they don’t tell you and you’re the favorite person
Or when they try to give you a bunch of veiled hints so they can feel like they "told" you when in reality they're just manipulating you and lying by omission. Never again will I entertain someone like that. Too much drama. BPD people just need to date each other.
I want to be in a loving relationship so bad, but I feel like its for the best if I don't. The fear of abandonment and jealousy hurts to an indescribable level. I don't want to have to put someone in this situation either, it sounds terrible. I feel horrible for how I treated my ex sometimes because of this disorder. Seeing people on the internet talk about bpd makes you feel quite hated too. This life sucks.
Yeah... we aren't bad people, we just desperately need all the love in the world, but it wouldn't be enough 😢
Rachael, you’re not alone, I feel the exact same way.
@TheVaultdweller who is the judge of that though? If you ask the FP, usually the BPD person is a terrible person because of their actions. Only children can't take responsibility for what they do, no excuses! Is a child molester a bad person? They can't help it, it's a issue in the brain(personality). If you can't treat others how you want to be treated, then you don't deserve to have a person give you any more of themselves than you are willing to not be a person who does BPD things
@@tflowe3288 As an Ex-FP I Can say... i Dont think of her as a bad person.
Also why Children can't take responsability?
Its not because their small bodies... Its because their brain is not equiped to deal with it.
We could say the same of a BPD having an episode.
If they could control, they would... and i think you can't take responsability for what you can't control.
@@tflowe3288 Also... stop equating BPD with child molesters... that was awful.
This is all so true. I admit that I've made people very uncomfortable, and I wish I wasn't like this
This video makes me realize I should be even more socialy distant than I ever was. Would be nice if someone explained once how we feel or love. I always feel like they describe us as shallow excessive annoying over the top stalker... we dont always drop the weight of the world on somebody else shoulders.... sometimes we keep it to ourself and are just dying inside
For sure it's hard...
Me am now trying to avoid my favorite person so that I don't hurt her ....yet am actually hurting myself....I don't know....why did God have to create us like this 🤦
This. It literally feels like dying inside!
Show your favorite person how much you love them by going to and committing to therapy. Learn techniques to get through those tough emotions. DBT is supposed to help with bpd. Dr. Daniel Fox has lots of great RUclips videos.
@@MY-eq4jp I agree with this. I have BPD and I've been wanting to get into DBT for a while. my insurance is just being stupid. I'm also terrified that I'm going to get (another) biased therapist that isn't good for me though. :')
That’s yet another bpd blame deflection. If you really care about yourself and your partner and are not just interested in eternally playing the victim, then prove it with your actions. Go to therapy and fix your toxic problems. Dbt is proven to work if you own the problem rather than blame externalities.
I was a BPD's "favorite" person for several months. I had to establish very clear boundries over time and they moved on to a new "favorite." Thanks!
So there is hope. Is it possible to somewhat have them in your life and be on good terms w them without your life completely revolve around them? In your experience?
@@epfizerdoolittleajl2165 Definitely. But I had to go through the tantrums and gaslighting. Now we meet for coffee and chat about ordinary life. Thanks!
@Michael Beaver congratulations! And thanks this has helped so much
@Michael Beaver congratulations! And thanks this has helped so much
Exactly!!! Her parents are both narcissists. Her POS dad still has a strangle hold and ive heard he asks her for money sick family dynamic
I'm a favorite and this was spot on. I love her with all my heart. It hurts me so bad when she says the hurtful things to me. She became violent and scared me to the point of leaving. I am miserable without her and miserable most of the time with her. My love for her cannot be put into words. She said she has done alot work,made promises but the signs are still there. I am so conflicted and want to be with her. I AM SCARED and my heart is breaking.
Get therapy for yourself. There is nothing you can do about her behavior, but therapy will help you understand where your extreme emotional dependency on her comes from. Love doesn't make anyone stay in destructive relationships. People can love someone and still walk away from them if the person is destructive, but if you are emotionally dependent on her because you have your own unresolved wounds then you need to heal yourself first before you become capable of making decisions as far as the relationship goes.
I’m going through the same thing. You have to let her go.
You’re trauma bonded. You need counseling.
i find myself at 68 in the same predictament.....
@@marinaton Yes. I was told that in so many words from a therapist, I'm afraid to face the truth of what might be my underlying issues .
this is the most validating content i have found on one of the most confusing challenging relationships i’ve ever had. thank you so much. i experienced this exact thing and no one, including me seemed to understand how much i was holding together ❤
Confusing and challenging are the best words to describe this relationships
@@userresusThose C words though.
Same! I am crying! Did anyone figure out how to deal with this situation?
The irony is that they don’t want people to leave them & yet they display behaviors that push others away. I always explained to my (undiagnosed) BPD ex that if she treats me in a way that makes me want to stay, then I will. I always told her that if she treats me with kindness & respect at all times, get the help she needs, then I’ll stay.
That's like saying to her, if you cut yourself into parts and leave your issues at the door I will stay. I'm sure she'd love to take you up on that offer, but obviously healing is a process. You meet her with baggage ( probably not visible at the time but now you know) . It's not realistic to ask her to unload. I'm not blaming you, you don't want to be treated like crap, but I don't think we realise, when we do that sometimes that we are litteraly asking someone to be someone else. Her issues/ acting at, at present, are part of her identity. You might think it's personal, so she can alter her behaviour towards you, because it feels very personal to you but it's her persona. With someone else it would be the same.
It’s a very sad cycle. I had that same conversation for years. Someone who refuses to recognize they have a problem will never get help. I was getting counselling help for myself and finally after years of requesting (and being denied) basic kindness and respect, I felt free to leave and move on knowing I had given every possible opportunity to my ex-partner to work on their issues.
Best of luck in future relationships, my friend, I know in time the experience allowed me to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like
Yeah, they cross boundaries all the time and then wonder why people go no contact with them. It's bc they're untrustworthy people that choose dehumanizing behaviors towards others on the regular. If they changed their behaviors they might build the connection they seek.
@@amberfuchs398this.
I was targeted by the person with bpd/npd. Love bombed me, depended on me for EVERYTHING. I loved this person, seduced by the love bombing and the fake attention and praise, what a fool I was, until they decided I wasn't that special after all, devalued me and attempted a discard. I got there first, blew up in frustration and thus became the problem as the person with bpd showed their true colors and destroyed my name and reputation. I had to pull away. I was very vulnerable myself at the time I was targeted and tried to gey away after a year and a half but the person with bpd wouldn't let me. It's been a complete nightmare, socially, mentally, morally and financially. I no longer care what diagnosis (or not) the abuser has. I will never let this happen again.
My experience was similar, but I was lucky. She monkey-branched into the next relationship, straight away. After a few curious weeks, I just resolved, "They're adults. Let THEM figure it out."
I spent 3 years with BPD who had symptoms of EVERY other cluster b PDs. I was unaware of her condition, she literally said she got tested gor it and the "Doc" said she definitely didn't have it. She failed to mention to me, that she chose to only tell me (lying by omission) that answer she got, not the other Doctors who tested her and said, Yep you have BPD. She has Multiple sclerosis and is a alcohol in remission, she broke sobriety for 6 months, halfway through it. She even asked me if she should and what I'd think, I of course said DO NOT RELAPSE, but I can't make your decisions. She stated sleeping with other ppl 2 months into the situation🙄. Went back to AA, then left and went to a "dry drunk". To make the story shorter (my bad lol) I was blindsided 100% 3 years in. The amount of lies and deceitful things, were almost unbelievable, almost impressive to even manage type of unbelievable. I even spent a week after the bombshells, to try to help enlighten her to the truths and be stern but supportive. BAD IDEA! Started to plan an "exit", this women went on a covert smear campaign she started from the beginning (makes sense why her friends and I didn't vibe right). Luckily I had no kids and I have tons of people in my life from way before her, who know me very well. She got "truth bombed" by me, about ALL of her flaws as a human being. I felt mean as hell the whole time, even during it consciously, but no therapist would be near capable of pushing a BPD individual to the real truth that quick. I'm an a**hole, but I made her (nothing abusive or wrong, just intense and very persistent to details) tell me the truth, or as much as she disclosed to me. I met her after a 2 year prison stint (one and only and it was for Marijuana, illegal but not wild) I lost my childhood sweetheart during that, came home broken. The BPD chose me as her FP, trauma-bonded me about the loss of our fathers young, and was a great fake person. I was determined to be a great partner, told her every single thing about my life, the goods and the bads. She took my kindness as weakness, and then weaponized all that I shared, just to manipulate the whole thing. Was a messed up time, but it made the pieces of my whole life make sense. It healed my trauma actually, so I weirdly was appreciative of the time. I left with zero intention of ever speaking or hearing from her ever again, feels so much better to completely drop the ENTIRE thing. Life is crazy, especially when you come in contact with a BPD 😂😂😂
@@tflowe3288she sounds narcissistic,i don't think she has bpd, she's had NPD,
She's sleeping around etc, that's usually what npds do,
Bpds are just clingy desperate people wanting to be loved, they wouldn't sabotage the relationship like that
Even if a bpd had an outburst, she would apologise for she would genuinely feel bad
Npds they trauma bond,love bomb,lie,devalue discard, smear campaign,all traits of NPD
Your ex sounds like a narcissist
Sounds like what i just went through
The irony of #10 is remarkable in that, the exact thing you describe the way the borderline feels after they lose the FP is so similar to how the discarded FP feels. I often tell people that I feel like my entire family (my ex fiancé and her kids that she had me help her raise for a year) died in a car accident or a plane crash. One day you are their everything, and literally the next you are nothing to them. It’s all so so so sick.
Being ghosted right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm being cooked alive, like I'm gonna spontaneously combust. So awful.
Same
My wife has bpd. This is spot on. We are getting help and working through this, but I/we carry a lot of scars and so much pain from the last 10 years. Most family and friends in our circle don’t understand the things we have been through. I have felt very alone and absolutely trapped. A prisoner of my own home. It’s so hard to watch her suffer too because when she’s her “lucid self” she hates this part of her as much as I do. She’s a beautiful person who struggles with “demons” 😢 It took 6 years of marriage before we got help and we finally had a few answers.
I dated a woman for a few months that appeared to have BPD. As we were getting to know each other we'd spend time introducing each other to friends on each side. When we met her friends she was fine, when she met my friends she would go into fits of intense, frightening, anger hours later or the following day. It was a pattern that was confusing and frightening. This sheds like on that behavior. Thank you.
Interesting. In my case, she really had no long term relationships/friendships. It should have been a sign that I paid attention to.
My ex had a lot of nightmares before meeting my mom even so I was 100% sure mom would like her (and she did)
@@blueskies7035 You can never guess..
My ex had been in relationships for 7 years before and sad her boyfriend was an abuser. Yet eventually all the "abuse" narrowed down to him being a jerk at some points which we all do to be honest.
So I guess problems with previous relationships or their absence is indeed a sign but it's hard to spot it
This is my experience it’s been such a difficult part of our relationship
@@blueskies7035same, it’s uncanny how many friends I have and how few she has
I just got out of a relationship with a man with BPD and holy shit, I feel like I wrote this video myself. All of these things are EXACTLY what I went through as his FP, and I’ve been questioning whether I was a bad person for not ever being or doing enough for him. Thank you so much for making this video, it was very healing.
Do you think there’s any hope for a guy with BPD? After being with one? I know it’s rare. My psychiatrist thinks I have BPD. I most likely do. It’s terrifying because it just seems like a person with BPD is impossible to be with. I can love so heavily but I make most people miserable in the end.
@@PLsexpicklePLThere's hope. Keep working on yourself and understanding why you feel what you feel. When you love yourself love will come.
@@PLsexpicklePLI imagine this person is in extreme pain at the minute . Probably not such a good time to pose such a question right now .
I was married to one. This video is spot on.
@@PLsexpicklePLFirstly, it sounds like you have enough of a head on shoulders, in terms of awareness. That’s number one.
Stay in counseling.
Be good to yourself, your literal mind and body, as in have a good diet (including even certain supplements like a QUALITY Vitamin D3/K2 combo, taurate or malate or bisglycinate magnesium), and healthy lifestyle. It’s rather imperative. From a zen standpoint, which one should never EVER overlook implementing when dealing with battles of the mind and soul.
Self-discipline is crucial.
Push your limits, as in redefine what it means to look inward and outward, even if it’s painful or seems impossible at times.
Some growth is that difficult, others will and DO come across smoother. In the spirit of change and transformation, branch out to new things, interests or activities that you identify with in the *present*.
I strongly feel when adapting ANY new kind of thinking, we falter or it does not sustain as well per the environmental deja vu. For me, it’s a thing of how much innerwork is directing things over the external influence? Well, if you CAN change something on the outside, too, then do it (right down to the meaning *you* decide to instill in it). Embrace and be grateful for whatever that is. Let it overcome you. Otherwise, look to Stoicism. Another pointer.
Don’t expect the world of yourself in terms of progress and speed in your journey of self-betterment. You have ebbs and flows as a reflection of life.
Always, always remember and remember a peak or valley is happening before you even CAN realize.
Realize now, that: this is literally the SAME for anyone even without BPD. Rejoice in that. And just as those without BPD, you need only understand better the WHY and the WHAT for your own unique mechanisms, so as to mitigate or manage HOW and WHEN.
Keep up that positivity. Positivity is so f***ing real and moving, it’s almost “unreal”.
Tip: sometimes “neutral” is a positive.
I haven’t been diagnosed with bpd but this is very similar to my experience and the people I know who have it. About a year ago there was someone who I was very close with to the point where we couldn’t even leave the house without each other. People would even point out that we were codependent but I felt like I finally got past my depression because of them so I didn’t care. Once that person started distancing themselves I started getting super suspicious and it spiraled into a loop of arguments and apologies. I felt like I was sick all the time because of my depression making me feel drained and my anxiety would cause my muscles and chest to hurt. After that I started struggling again with self harm, suicide attempts, drug abuse, dissociation, insomnia, etc. It felt like I couldn’t get help and everyone around me was on a completely different planet. It felt like I couldn’t control my thoughts or actions. My therapist at the time felt really invalidating so I decided to do some research and I came across DBT therapy. I gave it a chance and it had helped me so much more than any treatment I’ve tried. It’s so much more in depth and you start to figure out why you do the things that you do and where your fears and stuff stem from. I’d definitely recommend it. It pretty much saved my life
Thank you for sharing and providing hope for others!
I disagree that we CHOOSE an FP. Most times the way we feel about that person just creeps up on us.😢
Honest question? Can anyone be a favorite person or do these people have special traits for you? What's the difference between your favorite person and a really close/good friend?
@@mabelameba I'd say the obsession level toward the FV (Speaking as someone with BPD)
@@mrnprrn thanks for the insight.
@@mabelameba Ofc
@@mabelameba When the other person has similar traumas I'm like a fucking magnet
This is spot on - I used to get the cards and gifts where she'd written "you're my favorite, you're my favorite" - wish I'd have seen this first.
Can we talk about the fact that you cannot get your needs met with an emotionally immature/irrational person? I’ve been with someone with bpd for 17 years. I can never sit down and ask for what I need or want. It’s immediately a fight, they’re a shit person, blah blah blah. I have never, not once, been able to say “I need this” and have decent communication. It always ends in a meltdown where I have to just give up.
My partner feels like my child. 17 years with hardly any mental support and no emotional support.
It’s positively draining, exhausting, and feels hopeless.
At first I thought the idealization was surely a honeymoon phase and things would cool off so I tried to keep things straightforward and realistic. She would talk in terms of "her person" when we discussed our relationship expectations. I found myself wanting to be that person and feeling so validated. I ended up realizing I was losing myself (4 years later) in the delusional spin cycle of maintaining "perfection" as the clash between reality and fantasy became unavoidable. I came to say that being idealized and devalued did help me identify the ambiguities in my boundaries and self-integrity that I likely would have remained ignorant towards without someone scrutinizing (and plying at them) so meticulously. We can choose what we think about. It is a major red flag (to me) when another adult's basic needs have become inextricably enmeshed with our own. Save yourself.
@@Jmitch033 Definitely sympathize. I really got into journaling about "unspoken agreements between us" for awhile. It helped me realize how much I was interpreting because the communication about real needs was so poor. I say this lesson is better learned late than never. The time I've spent since then meeting my own needs even more so. They tried to steal and then silence a very powerful voice within us. That can only happen through our own consent. -Peace
Well said!
Its unfortunate that a person with BPD Will highly stress to you their fear of abandonment. You will do everything and show them they you will not leave them and in the end they will abandon you. It has been so heartbreaking and soul crushing to endure this pain she has brought upon me. I really loved her so much and did my best to care for her and understand her illness but in the end i was devalued was no longer her FP and she chose someone else. I wish she didnt have to endure the illness she has i think we could have had a beautiful life together but now all i have is the memories of our 2 and a half year relationship.
💔 this.
I always understand that my daughter has a hole in her soul that will never be filled. The best thing I have done for myself is to learn to set boundaries both emotionally and physically. I have learned to see the train coming down the track and jump off! Even as a social worker- I have gotten run over many a day.
The most accurate video I have ever seen. I have BPD and I have done this cycle NUMEROUS times. It’s heart breaking and I’m trying really hard to break out of it and do better
This is one of the most insightful videos on the subject that I've ever seen, speaking as someone with a severe case of BPD. I really don't wanna be like this anymore, I've cried from the starter to the ending of the video. I have no idea what to do. But I'm trying my best to stop pushing people away by seeming scary and clingy. It just hurts so bad.
I did the same thing while watching. I hope it gets better for us 💕
Look up Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations and the testimonies😊!!! Also Louise Hays. It’s helped me so so much!
@@OplulentCreator Thank you very much! Gonna check them out for sure. 😸
Absolutely spot on, currently in that last phase and it is absolute hell! The vicious verbal abuse mixed with the emotional abuse is next level. The devaluation right now is beyond horrific also. I split with her 5 weeks ago and I don’t see this ending for absolutely ages.
I tried for 3 years, gave it my all and if I had ever said things I actually wanted to say instead of saying things just to keep the peace it would have been even worse. It’s like you can’t be yourself and have your own real opinions just incase they don’t agree and it triggers them. She’s self aware that she has bpd but never accepts that most the problems we had were due to her bpd. Never took accountability for anything and always banged on at me to take accountability for her actions or how I just need to validate her feelings. Yeah it’s ok to say that but I’m not going to validate her feelings when her feelings are to verbally abuse me? Like it’s insane.
She always found a way to make me question myself or manipulate me and what’s even more annoying is her friends who she’s devaluing me to have no idea what so ever about her bpd so she’s painting this picture of me to them which is totally wrong. It’s almost like a scam, act normal and loving till they love you then bam, drop the bpd bomb and unleash every symptom.
Even if you were to explain to someone what bpd is, I think it’s one of those things you have to go through yourself to actually know how horrific and traumatic it really is. Dont get me wrong, I know it’s extremely difficult for the bpd person but Christ, for a Normal person it’s absolute madness.
Jesus I could've wrote this post. My recently Ex, I helped her load the car with some items for her new "friends" who wouldn't look me in the eye, clearly she is giving them some picture where she is the victim of me...if only they knew she's the on causing wall to wall chaos and verbally abusive and I literally walk on eggshells around this person I am forced to still live with. Its hard to describe but if it wasnt for my kid I'd be want to self delete to escape this monstrous energy vampire who is stalking me and verbally abusing and isolating me.
I think I might have BPD myself. It's the cut that never heals. I felt like it was largely resolved through will power, reason, and familial support but stuff like this always pokes up in my life. I'm pretty sure all I've done is found ways to hide from others that I am messed up. It's not as bad as I make it sound - I hope - but when you're the one living it by yourself, you lose insight that you would gain from having honest interaction with people. I'm not sure if I have the capacity for trust that may be required for therapy but there are some things that I want to get under control or learn to embrace. I probably could have benefited from the right therapy as a child, teenager, young adult, but just never could stop my distrust from getting in the way of seeking it.
Me too...I KNOW I need help bit I don't trust anyone woth all that is me....Soni continue to get in relationships male them my favorite, turn on them one too many times think they are going to leave and run away in the most terrible way...and then get another one
Dude same. I desperately want to be able to just trust and listen but I cant get myself to trust no matter how hard I want.
What trust do you think a therapist will betray? The core of your comment is.... YOU DO NOT TRUST YOURSELF. You need to WANT to change yourself, one day, if you treat people like most BPD individuals do, you will be forever unhappy and alone. Accepting the truth from inside, and being a good and transparent person is the only way to live freely. Good luck with life, treat other like you would like to be treated
This is a pretty kind comments section. Am I still on youtube? I've since started counselling and mentioned on my 5th session that I think I'm dealing with some variant of BPD. Starting a cognitive behavioural therapy approach next session. It's way too easy to assume extreme points of view, and the alternative tends to be an extreme of the opposite. I miss out on a lot because I am afraid of my emotions betraying what my mind knows. Somebody mentioned that I don't trust myself - and that is true. I don't feel like I have a solid foundation from which to build trust in my own identity. Instead of switching up my persona every 2 months like many others, I find that I've dug myself in to avoid being so unpredictable and seemingly unstable. I need to grow out of some stuff that served to protect me at one point but is now putting up barriers to making new friends and finding new activities.
I'd like to get this sorted out before the next relationship - and I've put that off for 6 years since the last. I don't even look at women anymore - it's not that I don't enjoy them but I'm tired of playing my role in screwing things up. I'm not solely to blame, to be sure, but I can only work on my issues hoping that they don't follow me, or that I may be able to deal with them in a non-catastrophic way.
@@brosephbroheim6428 I can relate! I've been single for 9 years and I have legitimate excuses as to why dating is so hard for me. But part of it is that I'm scared of ruining another relationship and having my heartbroken again. Not that it was entirely my fault but I played a big part. Same thing with trying to make new friends or trying to reconnect with old friends. Old friends are even harder because they have a negative bias towards the "old" version of you. I find therapists are mostly useless. I know most of this shit already from my own research. I often wonder if I have BPD or if it's just Anxiety issues. Part of me doesn't want to know though!
The more I attempt to learn about BPD, the more it becomes apparent that I may be demonstrating symptoms of a BPD myself. Is this even possible???
Please more videos on BPD and about healthy ways and skills to handle all the difficult situations that can occur when in a relationship with a person with BPD. I’m also interested in what are important boundaries to set specifically with a pwBPD and advices about maintaining boundaries with this person 🙏💗
Communication and planning is literally impossible because each day is determined by the emotions created by the narrative in their head and they have to be beefing with someone AT ALL TIMES. Coworker, you, family, the person at the restaurant.
Even though they constantly are too tired to follow through on a plan , you are never allowed to be tired. If you can’t do that last minute thing for them right then and there you will get venom and salt.
God I need therapy
It really is, perhaps, the most counterintuitive experience on Earth.
Man. 💯
Thank you so much for this video, and others. As a FP of someone I suspect has BPD this is so very accurate - all of it. It's really helping me with the guilt I feel from walking away.
I had a friend of 3 years with BPD. Never EVER again. I have sympathy for those that have this condition, but for the sake of my own mental health I will never go near someone with BPD again.
👏🏼🙌🏼🤙🏼
Good morning Lise,
All this has me really thinking 🤔. Very good information. I do enjoy how you put these videos together. It’s calming and yet valid points are being made. Thank you for caring enough to create the I feel is needed to allow me to progress. It’s all appreciated. Stay healthy and safe inside your body 😉🤙🏼
It was the most incredible, validating experience of my life, as a man who raised 3 teens on my own for 6 years with no support whatsoever from the covert narc ex. The BPD saw me, where no other women would! She appreciated me, calling me her “hero” and “doctor” and “BFF” and sex bombed the shit out of me along with the love bombs that were amazing! Until it shifted, and the alter egos began to manifest. She stopped the blood in my heart a month or two before discard as she was in a rapid and ever escalating accelerating devaluation phase, when walking through her back yard at a casual pace, without looking at me or skipping a step she says “it was easy to make you fall in love with me…” I turned my head to look at her as she continued her easy pace and said “oh?” With some apprehension, wrapped in a genuine curiosity about what she had to say. She continued “Al I had to do was mirror back to you all those beautiful qualities you poses.” 😮
That’s scary
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927But it's so true. When I met my wife she pretended to like everything that I liked for awhile. She mirrored my own behaviors, mannerisms, likes and dislikes back at me. When she add the sex spark to that gasoline it was on. I really wish I had never met her.
@@jimig399 mine did it too and is now even doing it after I brutally dumped her (which I feel hell guilty about)
She has thrown herself into fitness and therapy which was what I kept encouraging her to do and she was at the start of our relationship
I feel for her but I ain’t going back
I just got chills from that! Jfc
Been there and it hurts and makes us feel crazy and never wanting to be in a real relationship again
I assume people who are like this have been damaged very badly in the past. Looks like they are horribly insecure. If someone can't love themselves, how can they love you?
I have BPD and just from my experience with it, we're damaged and insecure because of childhood neglect and trauma. We weren't shown love growing up so we don't know how to love ourselves. With BPD, love is merely a perception on a cognitive basis. Our interpretation is learned from tv, films, observing others etc. We can only mimic the idea of love. We rely on external love from others as a defense mechanism from lack/neglect from childhood. We tend to fall into mommy/daddy issue stereotypes.
I am in love with Lise LeBlanc
@@victorcayro3753 😆
@@BasedGodEmperorTrump this is an honest question, do people who suffer from bpd feel love genuinely or its just the idea of finding someone who can fill the emptiness and take care of them?
@@mabelameba Ultimately, we're "in love" with the fantasy rather than the person. Honestly, our partners are just the missing p/maternal figure we've longed for since childhood. Hence why we idolize the partner, only to devalue them due to not meeting our ridiculous expectations. They'll never fulfill the p/maternal role. That's why PwBPD go from relationship to relationship in search of perfect suitor. These behaviors are maladaptive and wrong but can be difficult to control.
Thank you SO much for this clearly defined description on the struggles of the Favorite Person. I have just made a string break from someone with BPD, with the agreement to sit down together with a counselor, after 1 year to see if we can rebuild our friendship. This helps me to see that this is real, I'm not alone, and I'm not bad, mean or otherwise for needing to recover and heal from this very very difficult relationship. There's not enough help out there for US.
Thank you for this content, I really needed this to stabilize
I got into a bad habit of lying to my ex who had strong traits of bpd in order to avoid the intense conflicts. I’d eventually get caught and it just made things so much more worse. I never in my life felt like such a terrible human being.
I can relate!!! Even though you do not do anything bad (like talk or text to an old friend of an opposite sex), you anyway have no other choice but to lie in order to avoid the clashes that you are so tired of. Of course they feel we are lying, reveal the truth and in the end it is us who are the moat terrible people in the world and surely not them who actually made us lie
Wow ditto
same here - i'm fairly sure my girlfriend had BPD, so glad i've read this comment
@@user-ym3hg8wp8x wat happens if you just told the truth? Would it go into accusing you of cheating on her/him ? Just curious. And even if they accused you of it, wouldn't you have a solid reasoning to show them that they are just being delusional cause that's not wat you are doing?
@@TheStirke wat happens if you simply told the truth? Just curious.
Lise, thank you for the video! At first I watched your videos trying to diagnose my "ex" - was she CNPD, BPD, NPD etc. and then realized it's complicated. Now I watch them for my benefit. My relationship literally sucked the life out of me! I was thoroughly confused by the discard. Your videos have helped me to not doubt myself, see clearly, set boundaries and to realize I'm not the piece of shit I was made out to be.
@kaw boy Revised accordingly because that's what self love deficient people do! 🙂
Yes! They make us feel like we are horrible partners one day and the best partner they’ve ever had the following day and they tell you that they want to live with you until you get old. Now we are in divorce proceedings.
@@georgeargyropoulos5664 sounds like my ex. It's a whole lot of confusion. Either way, I'm responsible for my own faults so that's what I need to work on, so that I do better in future.
Nothing but facts. It’s hard to deal with. People please love your kids and pour into them
The is the best description of this phenomena that I have ever seen.
Thanks again for clarifying what I have been through.
Thank you so much for making this, I know well about this but just to hear about this, feels validated as many people still don’t have awareness about this. Experienced being fav person few times, and as you have described we have nothing but love toward them but it was so unhealthy and damaging to our own emotional health as fav person too. And as everything was happening that only that fav person know and experienced it, other people didn’t understand about it. Especially when they have bpd and npd/ covert npd combined…The fav person usually need to endured a lot. Through experiences with them I learn how to apply healthy boundaries.
This is so exactly spot on. I'm doing the hard work to get out right now after living in this hell for almost 18 years. Please keep doing what you do, you are literally saving lives
Good luck bro mines going on 8 years as of yesterday trying to make this the last year
I’ve been married to my wife for 18 years as well. Has she ever cheated on you? Crazy how borderlines literally have zero guilt?
@@Foundationbuilding bpd persons never cheat with there partner... It's next to impossible for those
Thank you so much!! This is the first time I have recognized that my daughter has BPD and the first time I feel recognized and validated. This video described my life as the favorite person down to a T. I often feel like a prisoner. I rarely can do things with my friends and when I do, she calls and asks me to come home after a short time. I often can't even get to the nearby store without a call from her while I am driving. Thank you for this great video!!!
I would like to express that each and every point said by you is going on in my relationship. I felt guilty that I can't satisfy their needs.
I think like I can't recover after going through this and I don't think I'll be able to handle another relationship. It has become like PTSD where I'm constantly alarmed of when their next outburst will be
I'm freaking out at how relatable this is.
For me it was someone I was friends with for a while, and then we got romantically involved (after they broke up with their boyfriend because they secretly had a huge thing for me the entire time we were friends). Because we had established a baseline strong friendship, I overlooked a lot of stuff early on and let it go. They were so relieved when I was calm and comforting through an emotional breakdown, or that I enjoyed listening to them ramble on ADHD style about their favourite topics.
I just didn't expect so many breakdowns - nor did I anticipate they they would expect me to maintain my dominant bedroom D/s persona in day to day life (instead of being the fun goofy person that they had known for so long) - nor did I anticipate ...... basically most of the stuff you described here.
Guy/girl friends is not a good combo. If you think someone will treat you differently than what they treated someone else, you are wrong.
I like that BDSM you just casually snuck in there lol!
Interesting because one of the infuriating things about my BPD person is they want me to be their Dom but they're incredibly disrespectful and chaotic and mean, that doesn't work and it was NOT what we agreed on. The person she actually is looks NOTHING like the person she was pretending to be to get me, and she feels NO REMORSE for completely lying about who she was.
This sums up a relationship I had with a former friend perfectly. It was so exhausting, and eventually got to the point that I would have severe anxiety just from seeing a text from her. I ended the friendship and told her she needed help, not sure if she ever sought help, but I have never regretted ending the friendship because she was so toxic, and I am sad for her as I know she is sick, but if she refuses to her help that is unacceptable for those close to her. Adults are responsible for dealing with their issues.
Same here. Ended a friendship with someone who was definitely a Covert Narcissist and possibly had comorbidity with BPD. She was so toxic and dangerous to my well-being that ending my friendshipwith her was sad. 😢
My god you are eerily describing every detail of my relationship with my ex-wife. It’s been 5 years and I’m still recovering
The resentment I got from her madness got me so angry at times. It sucked because she told me she wanted to kill herself, has cut herself, shows up at my house uninvited, and just takes all my emotional energy, even when I’m spending time with my daughter. It was nuts. I was my worst self. I actually called her the b word and c word a few times because i was so pissed off with what she was doing. I had to call the cops on her and she has lied so much to paint me as a horrible person. So glad it’s over, but I still feel guilty.
EXACTLY the same, I ended up mirroring her I was getting nasty and aggressive manipulative just like her, I thought I would play her at her own game big mistake. She wore me down mentally and physically, unbeknown to me she had already replaced me with a favourite freind a waiter from the hotel where she works. She was a pathological liar, serial cheater a really nasty vindictive person, like you I felt guilty nor anymore l haven't a good word to say about the woman absolutely the worst experience of my life.
I experienced the exact same thing as both of you. The guilt, being so mad or resentful, I tried to play her game and give it back to her at times (and it always blew up in my face), I was always wrong, she had no respect for boundaries, she had no respect for any of my family or friends because they are a threat to her in that they can take away my focus from her at times. She had violent outbursts when she was in her borderline rage, she was always assuming the worst of me. I was always stressed out if I wanted to see my kids because I knew the problems it would create with her. Her mind was in constant chaos and constant turmoil. She lives in a world of a scorched earth, and she always had to try to bring me down there with her. It’s almost as if she feeds on the negativity and the rage.
The very thing a BPD person covets (having a meaningful relationship with security) is the very thing they will destroy. If everything is going good in the relationship, the BPD person will find negativity and find ways to feel slighted and create mass chaos. In their mind, they will start splitting on you. They’re incapable of having a loving and meaningful relationship due to the mental illness.
@@scottm8069 Thanks for sharing this
Yes. My friend of over 12 years who I'm not in contact with right now. I still miss her often, but she definitely needs to branch out to a new favorite person because I'm very tired. She constantly needed me to reassure her of everything. It started to feel like a chore. And It's not that I don't love her still and wish her well but after I had a kid and we hit the age of 30, I started changing my focus and losing my ability to nurture her. She would constantly create dramatic situations and have repeating cycle of really toxic relationships where I would feel like I had to be her support through it every time. I dont want that kind of Rollercoaster around me and my son, constantly having to walk on eggshells and agree with her.
I hope DBT will help her. I can imagine that its also not easy for people with BPD.
Being an FP to a BPD is like being chained to a minefield with a Godzilla Bitch chasing you spewing flames.
AND it is ALL the FP's FAULT right? 😱
I don't know if I feel worse now, after watching this, or better? It re-iterates what I've been through as a favourite person, and I can understand my EX-partner's illness (BPD) better. I need more counselling re. this last relationship. There are things I must get off my chest, and out of my head before I can move on. My family and friends have stuck by me through this difficult phase of my life, and I thank them for doing this. Particulary Baz, Pete, Jules, my Mum Dad x
None of my FPs ever knew I was their FP. I am always terrified of how intense and painful it feels when I feel like I’m going to lose my favourite person and I do everything I can to hide it because I don’t want to freak them out with my neediness. I tend to just silently go into meltdown, hurt myself, split on them until they get back to me/I realise they weren’t abandoning me and they are none the wiser. Many of us are aware of how our disorder can present and do our best to hide it. Having an FP and fear of abandonment is the most painful part of BPD, the pain I feel when I perceive abandonment feels like I’m dying and if I think they are leaving me the world feels empty.
Thank you for this.
Holy cow this is a 100-percent descriptor of my exact situation
I have been a BPD favorite person for 3 years. I believe she has multiple diagnosis. BPD, a narcissist, and possibly other terms im unaware of. I am 4 days into finding all kinds of bombshells out. Each day, i have learned 10 new things that have been lies, even though i know i should have walked out day 1. This person has lived a whole double life, I am beyond shocked by this all. She is what she calls a "dry drunk," as in she hasnt drank in over a year(this go round) but left AA (AA is full of predators. Her and others there have ALL had sneaky sexual relations, preying on broken ppl). I'm beyond surprised and disappointed in myself and her. Myself for allowing someone to blind me this way ,and her, for her ability to be a completely different person in secrecy. I've been patient the entire time, I have been doing all i can to be understanding and work through arguments and things. It all makes much more sense to me now, after hearing all the lies (the ones i was told). It feels like its not worth the closure at this point.
I assume the advice would be to leave her and the entire situation alone completely? I want to know what all happened, but i do realize it changes nothing, it has already been done and I will never know any more of the truth than what she will tell me. I will still not be able to forgive. I thought at first I could, but the full truth is nowhere in sight and leads me to the same outcome, I suppose. Truly a mind blowing experience. I'm 34, and I am not a naive man. People really do mistake others kindness for weakness I guess
You know it. You have to leave. You're only 34. You won't have a problem starting a new life. When you're 64 it's a whole different ball game. The realisation that you have invested a good part of your life in someone who has no idea what love is will be crushing.
Thank you so much !! Waaw like super accurate nice to know what Im working on
My husband of 30 years was diagnosed with mixed personality disorder, borderline and anti-social. I was his favorite person, but it was a rollercoaster of hell. He was so dependent on me, and when I felt overwhelmed, he would accuse me of not loving him. While I may have been his favorite person, he was living a secret life, cheating on me. I didn't know he was, but I found out. When I told him that we were done, that he couldn't live both lives, one as my husband, and one as a single man, he told me that his private life was none of my business. I didn't hate him, but I was so drained that I needed to leave. He was suicidal in the past so I was really afraid for him. This time he wasn't just suicidal, but also homicidal. Law enforcement SWAT team protected me but he refused to surrender and ended his life. Now I feel guilty for finally feeling free.
THAT, my friend, is golden-nugget script potential.
Wow! 😮 So glad you are ok now.
you shouldn't feel guilty at all. some people just can't be helped outside of just totally controlling their lives by force which obviously you can't do.
I want a relationship with a BPD woman to continue, after ghosting me.
We had an affair of 8 months on again and off again then she committed to me fully.
2 weeks later and after deciding to move in together she ghosted me and went back to her ex.
I was so enchanted but I am starting to think I dodged a terrible destructive bullet.
reading these comments about girls ghosting people i think thatsa female thing im a male with bpd and i have never ghosted a fp
Relationships born of affairs do not last, honey. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Please attend therapy and work on yourself. Praying for you. John 3:16.
You are addicted to the feeling, not the woman. I promise you X
Why actively participate in cheating? You reap what you sow! Be better
You did, trust me. Even if you make it a decade, it'll be through a lot of stress and trauma on your part but that relationship will definitively come with an expiration date.
Thank you so much. So informative. Been there for a few years so so heartbreaking.
My life for 10 years until i ended it. The most excruciating thing I have ever done. Still painful even after 3 years
I feel you. I’m going through a divorce now and I’m confused to why I feel this pain that I truly love her and don’t want to see her hurting in depression closed off into her room and in the future me not being there to help her. Very painful and at the same time I know our marriage and a dead. And to top it off, she served me.
It still hasn’t gotten better that’s depressing to hear especially when I’m bout to start my divorce
@@marquiscarter1565 Be strong and don't give in to emotion. Be stoic. they will do every trick in the book to make you feel guilty
@@georgeargyropoulos5664 The best thing to happen to me is she found another older guy who thinks he hit the jackpot. She has new supply so I haven't heard a word since.....
@@ericmcdonald7313 I’m hoping mine will find someone else soon I got a son in the middle of all this trauma!!!
You're an Angel. You're gonna change the world, kid! Keep shinin'
“Kid” lol… I like that (a lot) as I’m about to turn 50!
As I listen I cannot stop listening and the hurt and pain and anxiety I felt listening to this because I know it to be true but I dont want it to be true, I dont want to admit ow exhausted I was, how hurt they were and in return how hurt I let myself get. The constant battle of feeling bad for them and shame for letting them go but at the end of it I keep listening because it resonates with me. It is tiring, it is painful, it is hurt. I know they were just struggling (I have narcissistic tendencies from my mother that I am working on in therapy and understand this painful battle.)
This is one of these moments where the empathy I feel turns into sheer pain and sadness for the both of us. But the relief of not having to burden their emotions and finally work on my own is so freeing. I honestly wish her the best, and like myself, I hope we both improve and get the help we so much deserve.
This video was a painful truth serum for me and allowed me to not feel as bad about having to leave them. Two sides to every coin.
I needed to hear this this Morning 🙏🏽Ty
Bang on! My mum has all the symptoms/criteria of BPD but not diagnosed. I grew up as the only son, youngest with 3 sisters. I was classed as the golden child all my life and all of the things explained in this video was my experience. It was bloody hard growing up. I love my mum but i stay away from her as much as i can. Its just too draining and narcissistic on every level. Thank you for an informative video
Seriously great description. Describes perfectly my relationship to my ex, who I know has bpd. She doesn’t know it, she just thinks she’s bipolar. I don’t hate her or think she’s a bad person, and I know I’m probably still her favorite person and I’m worried about the moment she figures out how to get through the block wall, and I know she will because she’s done it like 4 times in the past and I always end up with her again. This time is for good, and I just hope she can get into therapy and find someone she can be happy with, so she can finally let me go. I wish her well, but well far away from me.
The end of the video really hit home for me, it’s so hard to get away from them and it’s tough to keep them away. I guess I got to work on my boundaries and make sure I don’t waver
I've hears they go for people with poor boundaries
I've been in a relationship with a person with BPD for a whole year and I assure you that it is often a lot worse than people describe it. Before her I had a history of unfaithful partners and she capitalized on that to employ a fully controlling behavior, portraying her obsessive behavior as a remedy to that. That behavior included gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing me to quit things or betray friends, acting like a cult leader in the name of that attachement.
To all people out there: It is better to be single than to allow one's self to be subjected to that level of manipulation. Being with a person like that made me rather paranoid when it comes to partners, to the point of me now wanting to fully assess a partner's mental health before taking the next step.
And knowing that is a perfectly sanevandcrwssinabje place to be.
If I meet another and they feel the need or want to question my state of bring, history, potential disorder, I'd welcome it and feel no resistance to it.
It's healthy.
Just had my learning in a 4 week relationship and the red flags were waving and my own codependent potentials acknowledged.
She associated herself as cptsd but only when I'd opened up the potential pattens I was observing with bpd.
She flew off the handle and that was enough for me.
It was said and opened up thinking maybe this person is healthy, reasonable and just able to face such questioning and resolve, as 2 adults together.
When that isn't remotely possible it's a final and clear marker.
My own lessons of past noted and learnt though how and why it is still attracted to begin with is obviously still yet more for me to work on.
Better alone than in any of that stress and madness.
She is more like a narcissist.BPD chicks play different
@@sergemersin8094 What you are saying makes sense looking back at it. Could it be some variation of BPD or was she pretending to be BPD? She was really vocal about her BPD illness.
@@Zokunen666 getting a diagnosis is a joke these days. I have spent years in this, I am personally fighting with my BPD more than a decade and getting a qualified psychiatrist taking care of me educating me.
Narcissistic behavior BPD also has but a person having BPD does not behave as a narcissist intentionally. It just uses kind of behavior to attach his favorite person.
If you want to know if she was just a narcissist or only having BPD just think about her actions. Self-destructive behavior is a very common thing with BPD. Suicide attempts, using alcohol and drugs, dangerous sexual activity and binge eating. While these kind of actions you may come across with a narcissist they just use these to manipulate you. Self harm is not for narcissists. They are psychopaths and mostly hurt others and only hurt themselves to manipulate others.
Thank you so much for this video. I didn't know this existed, but just got out of a relationship from a BPD girlfriend. It's extremely scary. But this video made me realize I'm not the bad person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're amazing.
WELL SAID & PRESENTED LEARNED A LOT
This video was very helpful. Thank you so much.
Can you do a video on breakups with a borderline? As a guy I’ve had a breakup with a girl with BPD and there were so many questions. She vent back to her ex almost straight away but pretty sure it was even before we broke up. The games started and even now after 3 years this girl still runs to get my attention. But thank you so much for these videos they have helped immensely
The "little things you do to fall off the pedestal" might be things you don't actually do at all. At a party with her friends, my former partner bragged me up for handling my personal finances so well while I maintained an embarrassed silence. The next morning, she shouted at me, "Why do you think you're so much better than I am because you have money and I don't?" My therapist said, "You don't think you're better than she is; SHE thinks you're better than she is."
I can identity with everything you have said here. Wow. Thank you.
Now i understand why i push people away when they’re getting to know me more. I feel guilty sometimes when i share everything bout me fast to someone coz i know they’re gonna find someone better than me again
I’ve had many persons like this, but i never let them know or let it show. Because i am so afraid to push them away, so i cling to them internally, it’s hell!
I’ve watched a couple of your BPD videos and haven’t heard you mention cheating yet. My BPD ex is by FAR the most promiscuous person I’ve ever met. Literally hundreds of people and every friend and acquaintance I’ve ever had has except one.
I think I was this for my grandmother wow. Explains a lot.
Omg this is my EXACT experience with my boyfriend with BPD for the last 13 months. It not only kills me because it’s profoundly draining and psychologically damaging to deal with but because I really do genuinely love him with all my heart and I know he loves me deeply. I don’t know how much more I can take though because the chaotic emotional rollercoaster he brings to my life is taking a serious toll on my physical and mental health. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place is exactly how I feel. 😭💔
i really encourage language that includes ppl with bpd in the conversation, rather than just the threat/subject. it's easy to forget that people who have bpd are often victims of abuse with their own complex reasons for feeling the way they do and like, are responding accordingly. it's not that the behavior isn't sometimes misguided, but it's not entirely irrational.
bpd is also easier to manage when you have support, so this kind of content isolates and discourages people with bpd. it's not humanizing the people who are suffering with these intense feelings that they ALREADY don't know how to regulate. i know it is work to manage relationships with a lot of emotional weight to them, but I again encourage that we at least talk about bpd as something that people are struggling to navigate, too. this rhetoric of "the bpd" perpetuates some mythic animalization of a population in need of support and care.
*in the event of abuse, i obviously would promote people take care of themselves, etc etc. i also rock with disability justice and a more holistic view of caring for each other, etc etc
To add to your point, support should come from professionals. Non professionals without training are often not equipped to handle gaslighting, guilt trips, playing on your insecurities, damaging relationships, missing work to "support", etc. Getting stuck in that vortex in the name of support creates even more trauma.
Everyone deserves happiness. It's no one's responsibility to pour into someone else at their own expense. No diagnosis gives someone the right to take from someone else's well-being.
@aliensbeforesunset i do want to clarify that my message is directed mostly at people who make content or perpetuate harmful rhetoric around bpd, though I agree with your point. I'm fully interested in the safety of all parties.
@@swedishfolkrap3175 absolutely :) I was horrified at the way people were talking about amber heard. It was really scary to see people react that way to a diagnosis and it was the big reason why I ended up having more compassion for her.
I don't give a lot of space myself for these traits in my own life as part of my healing, but you are totally right. It's important to acknowledge that they are still humans that are acting rationally based on the way their brains process the world.
We all have these tendencies and the capacity to respond the same ways, given the circumstances. I'm grateful to not know what it's like on a regular basis.
Do you defend pedophiles too?
@ladvita32 15:52 Hell,. It feels like emotional hell and you are then traumatized. The lies , hot/cold, push/pull and confusion. Wants you to give ALL and them the minimum. And then you worry about them when you leave, but you do so for your own mental health
As someone with BPD I have never heard of thus “favorite person” stuff! But damn now i feel like a creep! Thank you!
Thank you for this video! As a person who is 40 and just recently being made aware that I have severe BPD , this video has explained volumes on my being aware of what I have put my wife through. We have been married 18 years and things just reached the breaking point, she is in the phase where I have destroyed her as a person so much that she is now setting boundaries and needs time alone away from me. I am in a mental clarity point at the moment, but this video has helped me to see the pain I have put her through, to see the things that she could not express. Mental awareness is crucial to fighting and overcoming BPD. I have a long way to go
I wish both you and your wife all the best in your recovery
I have a favourite person, although he doesn't want to be. What you said in this video is exactly how I feel. I have almost managed to push him away. I hate being like this and desperately want to change, but mental health services are very poor in England. I just don't know what to do.
I feel so seen and understand. So true to my experience
I hate myself more now than ever because o have no trust or respect for myself… Not practicing the virtues of Dicipline and patience has destroyed me.. if I can somehow learn to implement these practices and develop trust and respect for myself as a result I can have a chance to rebuild… I feel loosing my PD lover who was the love and lust of my life is because of me way more than her… She couldn’t respect trust or have confidence in a man who has none in himself.. I appreciate your videos Lise.. They help me see my part and now it’s up to me to take a stand or not…if I can the relationships and success can return in a healthy way for the first time in my life.. If not it’s over…
my narcissist, abusive, gaslighting ex just sent me this video as a justification for his own shortcomings. I have been in therapy enough years to know my own flaws and how much I have progressed, to the point this was the healthiest expression I had in a relationship yet. Then he used this video against me to justify calling me delusional when confonted with the proven cheating, physical abuse and emotional/financial abuse he has subjected me and other exes (I got all receipts), while he was the one actually doing all the extreme behaviours you just mentioned, but never taking any accountability towards it. I took responsibility for mine, admitted it as an issue, and sought a diagnosis and help to deal with it. he has the exact same shit but ten times worse, and he claims he is fine and his behaviours are a reaction to mine. f*ck that.
omg
i needed to hear that
Great information!
Thank you for your teaching. I'm married to a wonderful woman who has BPD. I'm learning so much about how to deal with her.
I’m a great person when I’m single. I’m a fucking mess when I love someone. I feel terrible for my wife.
Making a favorite person out of a covert narcissist wasn't a good idea, but I didn't know that at the time. Therapy and self-study helps a lot. I don't have enough characteristics for a BPD diagnosis, but it's still not easy.
i myself am diagnosed with borderline and currently in therapy for about 3 years. my ex best friend had the exact behavior pattern explained in this video but she isn’t diagnosed. however it’s pretty obvious that she has borderline and it’s crazy how therapy has helped me to recognize how to reflect my actions and regulate emotions myself instead of bringing them onto other
I was with him and you can never make them happy..and every word she says is on 100%..I am sorry but
I can't give my sanity to them..
I need to love myself..
It might be useful to make a series about CPTSD. There seems to be overlap between NPD, BPD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, and CPTSD. For those dealing with someone close who may fit the CPTSD diagnosis, understanding the relationship between these symptoms would be helpful.
i was just diagnosed with this 4 days ago, the self loathing I feel at myself for what I put on the people close to me threatens to break me
I have BPD and I have a good friend that I connect with (platonically) on a very deep level. He seems to me to have an EXTREMELY HEALTHY mental status, and outlook on life. he is emotionally regulated, well "put together" and although his life is not perfect, he appears to handle everything as well as could ever be demonstrated by a human being. He is enjoyable to interact with, he has charisma, and he is thoughtful and cares about others. When I talk to him about my problems, i feel that i am able to more effectively express myself than i ever could to any therapist i've ever had. With all these traits rolled up into a ball all together, i think you can see that i've started to become dependant for my well being on my talks with him. Many of the other facets of the FP phenomenon are not present here, but I am worried that If I do not remain vigilant and constantly remind myself that he is a real person with his own needs in life, and if i do not check myself constantly, our deep friendship could possibly develop into an FP type dynamic. Do you have any advice for me that may assist me in keeping this from ever happening?
Great question I wonder the same
As the recipient of this, I would love to hear about the destabilizing characteristics. This behavior can make the person on the receiving end act against their better judgment as a form of protecting themselves against the instability.