My borderline partner also happened to be my favourite person in the literal sense. Whatever she did, i would always feel that way - even if she had rung me 60 times that day my heart would leap when she rang. Eventually i found an antidote for every single problem behaviour, giving her the space to work on herself. After keeping her stable for almost a full week she had the revelation that therapy might benefit her, and from then on there was no stopping her! I got my life back, and had a relationship with my ideal partner. We were blessed.
I’m so happy for you mate. I’m going through this since Monday and I’m planning to approaching it similar to you. What do you mean by antidote though? Were you trying to fix these problems? I know trying to fix problems can be controversial and not wanted by a BPD partner
@@dickdaring365 the antidotes I chose were personal to her but the formula is not to try to fight the behaviours but to try to play them out into something that resolved the issue. So firstly I gave her continual praise, not to her ego but to her character, to counteract the low feeling of self worth. This was done grey-rock with a list of examples of her good points, and all the ways she left me breathless. I continually reassured her about the relationship to counteract the abandonment trauma. I performed almost superhuman feats to impress her and bring her life back together and paint me as a hero again, but this needed constant replenishment, it keeps them physically close so they can have regular injections of bpd antidote. I also used calming techniques from horse-whispering where problem animals learn to allow humans to approach, touch, and interact with them. I found it was possible to hold my partner to account so long as there was no sense of blame - I would continually bolster her character. I also created atmospheres, by for example bombarding her with gifts and pleasures over an extended period, and anchoring the mood with a simple phrase or song that I repeated as many times as I could during the experience. Whenever her mental health began to plummet, I would isolate which neurosis was causing the trigger and neutralise it very gradually by repeating the appropriate phrase when she seemed to be listening to me, getting her to calm down, stabilise, and eventually be happy. This takes many hours daily to implement, however the effects take a few short weeks to work, and the person can pick up on the method and create their own catch phrases. Because we had a therapist on call waiting in the wings doing nothing I also took the time to consult them about self improvement based on my partners input about me, so that I could show off about it to her, making it seem that it's all the rage nowadays to get a clean bill of mental health so she didn't want to end up being the odd one out - and this was super effective. I had to use additional strategies to counteract dementia too. The important thing is to let them be in control, but also show your own strength alongside, and to provide a warm loving space that is always there whatever they do.
@@dickdaring365 I wasn't trying to fix the bpd problems initially. I had been working with her on her dementia, hence the repetition method. However when I put these ideas together, they seem to gel into a perfect shape - I couldn't see any flaws in my plan and it was worth a try. Importantly, some of the mental health work cannot be performed by the partner, and this is the part that finally shifts their attachment style and basically cures them. The therapy we used doesn't involve the partner directly, however I managed to find places where I needed to do 'inner child work' myself so we were put on a healing journey together. Best of luck with your healing - it's well worth it, I had the happiest time of my life.
@@disdroid this is so interesting, thank you for sharing. Did you guys split up eventually, since you are saying "had"? Was it the same issue or something else ?
I have to say. I am so disappointed in myself that I was in a year long relationship with a girl who has BPD. I overreacted to her constant false accusations, I got rid of lifelong friends, some in a cruel and disrespectful way, isolated myself, and tried to anticipate her needs. I thought I was being a great boyfriend to her, and I even bought a wedding ring for her that she refused to give back. Every SINGLE one of these cycles happened to me. Hearing this actually scares me right now. It is dying HEARTBREAKING to me that I didn’t catch these issues in her before. I just assumed I was a terrible man and she was just over sensitive in general. I spent thousands of dollars on travel to see her. She finally forced me to leave after an explosive fight. I am truly, regretfully sad that there was nothing I could do for her. I’m not any type of psychologist, but all of these videos are spot on, like a mirror of our story. Be careful who you let into your life. I had no idea how badly she suffered. But also didn’t know there was nothing I could ever do to win. Stay strong if it happened to you. Sorry to everyone who has been through this, including the persons who have this disorder
What part is amazing? I only hear guys say that. It's always her fawning all over a guy and the sex. Is there something else? I'm around BPD females and my God, so much has to be explained all the time. It's so remedial. Like being around a child. What is it? What's amazing?
@@Laura-nl8df exactly what you wrote is your answer. You obviously are not in an "intimate" type relationships with the BPD women you are around. A man that may have been emotionally or physically ignored in the past will really get an EGO boost from the constant attention, affection, sex, etc that the BPD showers at the beginning of the relationship. You know men can be kinda dumb.
@@wtdenton4090 Thank you W T! I really appreciate your response. No, I'm definitely not in an intimate relationship with them. I can't stand them for very long and wonder how anyone else could. I feel like I'm raising people who are already grown. The 2 around me are covert narcs as well so I'm pretty sour on them. Thank you. Best wishes to you. 🙏🏽
Being the BPDs favourite person feels amazing until you realise that they insert themselves into every aspect of your life and they become jealous and obsessive
Yes in the constant distrust of you and that person's eyes is unbearable. They tell you what if you really loved me you wouldn't give up. Can honestly say that I really loved this person but physical and mental health falls when the person you does not trust you
Amazingly accurate description. The problem is no matter how much damage they cause you can never get them out of your head. Hence why ppl are still watching these videos.
My first wife had BPD, and my second wife had NPD. After that, I couldn't imagine ever trusting myself to choose a third. I used to be afraid of being alone until I learned that there are worst things. I'd rather live alone the rest of my life than repeating either of those two experiences. They nearly destroyed me.
@@joecaner I married a borderline woman and dated a narcissist off-and-on for several years as well (didn't know either at the time as this was many years ago before these concepts got into the mainstream). I was always being blamed for things in each of these (and other) relationships that I did not feel I was doing and wondered if I had some major blind-spot, so went into therapy a few years ago. I learned that I grew up with dysfunctional parents--my dad was narcissistic and my mom codependent. I grew with great shame by being blamed by my dad for everything I did and my mom not speaking up for me. My dad was projecting his shame on to me and I got used to feeling defective for no reason, and ended up taking on a caretaker/people-pleaser role to try to navigate my childhood. Hope this may be helpful for you.
@@andyb7942 Thank you for sharing your experience. Yeah, it does help. It was bad. Neglect, abuse, scapegoating, fear, shaming accompanied by inevitable trauma and followed by gaslighting and the invalidation of one’s experiences and feelings. It literally feels like I am approaching the event horizon of a black hole every time I am in close proximity with them, but we’re able to talk on the phone without much distress as long as I keep it superficial. Unfortunately, a couple of my siblings have taken up their roles. Sucks to be them I suppose. It’s difficult to be around those two as well. They are filled with such, I’m not quite sure what one would call it, but I can feel it emanating from them, and they are so concerned with outward appearances, that I barely know who they are, and I’m not sure they do either. Whatever it is that is coming off them, it feels bad, and I feel badly for them. I didn’t get away clean. None of us did, but at least I got away with my humanity more or less intact so I am grateful for that much.
Men, she is 100% right on, you never want to be a BPD's favorite person. Many men who were emotionally ignored and neglected as children can find this kind of attention addictive and hard to let go of. But its a bate and switch so the BPD can neglect you on purpose and subject you to a neglectful relationship and leave you chasing after them in a sick cat and mouse game. Lise, it's refreshing to see the value you give men.
I’m finalizing a divorce from a person with BPD. I’m drained on every level and tired of the roller coaster I was strapped into. I wish her the best but I have to survive. I am a man who is suffering from PTSD from the trauma of my childhood. I was ignored and neglected by my mom so yes I got addicted to the “lovebomb” quickly. I’ve learned a lot from videos like this and my therapist but now it’s time to rebuild me and live on. 💪🏻😇
It's hard to be put into the fp position. No lie. One isn't perceived as a human with needs and aims and problems of their own. The demands for attention, validation, and reassurance can be too much; and can utterly destroy any fond regard that once existed.
@@chefcakes-qw7ln yeah, I understand. I hope you don't end up hating her for it because that is going to ruin you even worse. Be serious about self regard and protection.
I have this disorder, and everything you've explained in all of your videos is very true. I have never heard it from such an outside perspective, and learning about my condition in this way is both enlightening and incredibly shame-inducing. I know these videos are meant to help people who fall victim to these personalities, but being the monster you describe is something else. I am untreated as well, so my symptoms are still alive and well and very palpable, except that I think they've actually worsened over the years (in some ways) due to being socially ostracized and not having a very good support system. Attending therapy has been hard for me as I have comorbid ADHD, so my memory is terrible and I frequently miss appointments. I have really bad executive dysfunction as a result, and can hardly maintain a job or any relationships. My boyfriend is my FP and the last two before him are no longer in my life due to me acting out. My boyfriend is basically the only person I have ever met that can put up with me and has never abused me back in any way, it's been through my relationship with him that I've realized I am the problem. The terrible reality of living with this disorder is that, I wish I were just normal, but I don't even know what that looks like, I have never been normal and this has always been my life since I was so young. The other part of it is, that I know I was a sweet and sensitive child, but constant invalidation and negative feedback (from being neurodivergent) caused me to internalize extreme extreme shame and self-hatred, and my experience has always been that of abandonment. Now that I am with someone who is so solid, I can hardly believe the hubris that comes out of my psyche. I can hardly fathom the intense pain I've caused myself, and that others have caused me. It seems endless. I wish I could say that I have some hope for a future for myself, but I'm not there yet. I am very very tired of being this way. I miss the people who I've hurt, who I loved so much. I miss myself, I wish I could remember who that is. Above all, I am so terribly sorry for the pain I have caused and I am so sorry to everyone who has had to put up with this behavior. It's not your fault, nor is it your responsibility. I wish I had the self-awareness long ago before I ruined my relationships with the people I loved the most in this world, people who made me feel less alone. My heart hurts, this disorder is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Thank you for taking the time to sharing your experience. I truly hope you will gain some level of stability and be able to manage your symptoms better so you don’t have to suffer so much
Please understand that there are people in your life that want you to get help and want to help you. If you go to therapy and do what you're supposed to do, I think those people will continue to be there for you but there are a lot of apologies that have to be made. As much as you are hurting, unfortunately you are behavior hurts other people deeply and just because there's a disorder doesn't mean that we can just forget about it and use that as an excuse. I feel for you, I really do. I'm a recovering addict. I've had to work very hard on that and it does get better
This video makes me torn between being a survivor of narcissistic abuse versus me being the mentally disturbed one who has BPD. The addiction to the other person sounds the same but the reasons are wildly different.
Actually borderlines usually end up with narcissistic. It’s a unhealthy but common dance. The narcissistic lives for the extra attention and infatuation the borderline has. And the borderline lives for fake confidence the narcissist has. She see the narcissist as her savior. There are plenty of articles that helps break this down.
I felt the same way , my ex sent me this saying it was me … but there a big backstory to why I ended up like this , my therapist feels I didn’t fit the bill … but I did act like a BPD person only with the recent one .., I do believe I fell in love with a narcissist and became an irrational person trying to navigate it , nothing is black and white for me going between love bomb and devaluation was after I found out I was cheated on and lost a baby due to the woman stalking me , part of me still loved him madly but then the other part hated him cause I blamed him for her …there’s alot of reasons why ppl could act like this without having BPD..I’m living proof , sometimes I still think I have it but I know my story. Maybe like me there was a reason you were like that , loving a narcissist isn’t easy …I still love mine after all the pain
I don't know... My sister seems to have BPD and my mother has some traits although in th quiet way. My father is a covert narcissist. I sometimes believe that children of narcissists may develop BPD because of trying to cope with vicious anger and abandonment.. I think I might have BPD too.. I don't usually blame others but when facing the possibility of abandonment I cannot take it and I always want to end the relationship first. The only other way to cope with it is to dissociate and pretend that I don't care
All true. I have a sibling with BPD I've never mentioned the slights, hurts or manipulations, I've tried over and over again until I had to step away for my own safety. It's heartbreaking because one of the personalities inside my sibling is the best, most loving & helpful you could ever meet. It's just the other personalities that you can't be around. Please slay those demons of jealousy, control, manipulation, destruction and spite, I still love you but love can not consent to see you destroy yourself and others. Im not in competition with you, I love you doing as much or as little as you want to do. Its ok and I want you to enjoy many friendships and relationships. The reality is people also have free will to speak with other people, people will fail to read your mind about what to say/do or what not to say/do but sabotage is never okay. That's when people leave. You, yourself are loved and missed beyond words, this is a spiritual battle and I pray YOU will win it, knowing the truth, because the Truth sets you free. 😢🙏❤️
I didn't have viscous mood swings until I met my ex narcissist gf. She recently dumped me by text for saying that she was rude. The relief is amazing. No more mood swings. Thanks for the upload ❤️.
100% on point. My ex broke up with me last Xmas as she thought I was going to cheat on her 'one day', apparently I never loved or cared for her etc etc etc.. This video is scary true about that relationship I had. 😔
The same happened to me. I was shocked at first. Now I m very happy. Can't find much fun overall in rollercoaster relationships and constant high and low, eeew no thenks. I feel such peace now.
@@sunbeam9222 *update* My current gf has bdp/dpd and a couple other issues. She been through extreme severe trauma. I'm 50 this year and I can honestly say she's the most amazing woman I've ever dated. So much so we're planning on getting engaged this year. So my ex breaking up with me Xmas 2021 was a godsend 😆👌
@@jasonwierman9226 literally couldn't be happier dude🤙🙌 getting married to my fiancé in September. Can be tough at times but we work things through and every time we do it brings us closer. Thanks for asking🙌🤙👌👍🏻
once point in this video that is supper on point - is that the BPD partner will never be satiated with your love. lets say from a partner i had from a undiagnosed BPD partner - i swear - we could live 10 miles from our nearest neighbor in a small town. i could work with all men. i could be a hermit and just be in the home all day and never leave without her. except if i go to the local grocery store and theres a woman at the register - my bpd partner would find that triggering. She would first assume and accuse me of wanting her. then only after hours of that stance, she would just level off into me having to show an exhausting amount of dedication just to sooth her. ITS UNTENNABLE people. she was only getting more severe in her reactions. and forget some of the experts opinions, and some dating coaches, who say separate the disease from the person. im not saying to demonize them as i have empathy for them and their struggles. however, being in a long term relationship is so extremely difficult. Try separating the disease from the person when they are saying you are a sick sick person and are an awful partner after you had a video conference where there was a person of the opposite sex who just happened to sit in on the meeting. try separating the disease from the person when they give you the silent treatment for hours because you didnt text them in the time frame they expected; for which they get made even more so that they dont have you to contact to calm down because they are so mad at you in the first place. of course you have to spend an entire night soothing them after being triggered by all of this. ** and i mean an entire night** just stay clear of this drama. trust your gut. i didnt listen to mine because i thought it would get better. best to all of you, especially all these men and women who were traumatized by a BPD partner.
Interesting, I just discovered this personality disorder and was someone's favorite person for nearly seven months. It was definitely a roller coaster. A distinction that I noticed regarding reason #1 is that my BPD significant other actually was obsessed with making ME more like THEM, rather than the other way around. They refused to accept some key personality differences and issued several ultimatums to change the core of who I am. Ultimately I ended it, but as I've heard on your channel, my SO was so traumatized and they actually flipped the script on me during the breakup, got me to agree to give things another chance, and then broke up with me on the very next day. Learning more about this disorder makes me feel compassion for them (although I'm definitely glad it's over!).
I've also noticed that, because in the beginning they are exhausting themselves in every way just to be that ideal person for their favorite person, they start to become resentful towards that person. They are worn out and emotionally exhausted and they associate that feeling of anxiety with the favorite person. So, if they are doing something like going out of their way to text or call or going out of their way to give you sex all the time and they don't really want to be doing these things, they will start to hate their favorite person because they feel like they are being forced to do all these things when they actually did it willingly to manipulate them.
This was exactly my situation in my last relationship 😢 I even had caregiver burnout bc he was in a wheelchair following a botched back surgery the last 18 months we were together. It's really sad when you have to get away from someone so abruptly bc of your BPD😢
Music to my ears. I was discarded by my borderline, because her female FP was far more attentive. So glad to know that she’ll get a smack-down by karma.
@hrrromo4246 thank you for this reply i love these videos but sometimes the comments are really hard for me to read as someone who is borderline and actively working on recovery. i have never ever ever intentionally manipulated someone and the idea that i have done actions that could be read as manipulative or are manipulative because of my disorder just kills me :(
I was diagnosed with this. I never really understood the meaning until I found your channel. I just can't thank you enough. This is a living nightmare yet the best feeling. My favorite person doesn't know I have this but..... They suggested things just as u said your words pretty much nailed everything I did. Only thing I don't do is try and hurt them or make them pay for whatever I think they did. I take it out on myself smoking is just one of them cuz im in constant fight or flight mode panic .I have projects to do but I need there direction in doing so which is not to straight forward. I know it's selfish of me I hate this
So many of your videos are great. But this one really described my relationship the best. 2.5 years of push/pull. We know she has BPD, she gets treatment and therapy for it for months but she just cannot stop blaming me. Often for things I haven't done. Its heartbreaking to end this relationship. And I have gotten addicted to being the "saviour" and favorite person. I feel like I am coming off a hard drug addiction every time we separate. If you could make videos on how to overcome the lows after being a fav person that would be very helpful. Thank you for everything that you do.
I as a man have done this so many times.... and even with meds and therapy... I still cannot stop doing it. Whether it is a new co-worker, a new friend, a new girlfriend etc... Not fun to live like this... but cannot stop. After many divorces and children who don’t want to see me... I have given up on forming healthy relationships anymore... I even change jobs frequently... despite a decade of Paralegal work, it has been for several firms instead of one. My only real friend is another paralegal who is diagnosed clinical depression... and my own doctor said its probably how he survived your extremes when he became your non-favourite person and is now just a person to you.
Thank you so much for all of this content; at least now I understand a little better about why I feel so crazy and confused. My ex-gf made me into her favorite person right after she broke up with me. Twice now, so I've been complicit with my weak boundaries and fawning tendencies. What I thought was a mature breakup resulting in warm friendship has instead turned into a living nightmare that I feel trapped in. Thank you for helping me understand some of these dynamics. Lord help all of us suffering in these brutal relationships.
She discarded me. Said we weren't compatible, and that was it. We were engaged, had our first disagreement, and she left. 3 weeks later a new person. Said I was dead to her. It's been almost 2 years, no contact. No cycling. I'm a final discard. While I know it's good, still hurts emotionally know the person you loved, wasn't real
've watched a few of your videos over the months and they are informative. This one was so far the best for me, as it helps to put my past experiences into a relatable context. Making sense of what happened. Even if the fit isn't perfect. Thanks from Denmark
Being on a support group website years ago led to me forming friendships with several people with BPD. Never again. They're all fine people and deserve fulfilling lives and relationships, but after being chewed out several times over nothing I just threw up my hands and said "Nope. Someone else can deal with that."
100% In my case I just cut them off in the end. Emails automatically to trash and phone numbers blocked. It wasn't worth it enduring the lies, gas lighting and walking on eggshells.
You have described perfectly, my relationship to the person that I am certain has BPD. I really appreciate that in the video, you describe in detail the BPD actions and reactions. It is as if you know me and her, and you have walked in my shoes. Your knowledge is very helpful and supportive. It is sad that people with BPD struggle so much in life. And it is sad for those of us that love someone that has BPD and that that person with the BPD refuses to get help with his or her disorder.
I won't rehash all the details as I've already spelled them out so many times before - possibly including in comments on this channel - but the key point is I had an ex who in hindsight clearly had BPD, and I recently discovered via stumbling across her new social media profile & (to my shame) letting my curiousity get the better of me that after she discarded me - both due to her own paranoia and the encouragement of her family & "best friend" - she remained obsessed with me, even seven years down the line, even going as far as to still use my very specific pet name for her as her screen name on dating (& hookup) sites.
this is so spot on! all it took was for me to say hi to a friend in public. It was impossible to take her out on a date. i had to switch sides at the table one time because i wasn't allowed to face anyone. She accused me of checking out a waitress and made a scene in the restaurant.
I’m thinking that this was my experience. I had never felt anything like it in my life. Being her favorite was pure euphoria. I think could be avoidant PD. I’ve never been the same. I shut down and went into autopilot mode anytime we interacted after finally pushing her away.
being with a BPD is like walking on a minefield - you'll get ripped to pieces for one word they don't like or just the intonation anytime with no regards of you. You can never feel safe around them for more than one second. they cheat on you for giving a like to someone on FB or Insta, the pick up fights and yell at you like no one ever - yet they expect you to provide safety while they destroy the safest person in a second and tell you it's your fault because you are an abusive monster. When their work is done you'll be left with PTSD yourself - and they'll happily run to the next favorite person.
Those things that they obsessively try to find out about you, to get closer to you, are the same things theyll use to deconstruct you thru the relationship to make you more like who they actually want, more than who you actually are. This came later in the relationship (about a year to be exact) once I was so emotionally invested, I was willing to make compromises. But i started to realize these compromises became more frequent, and demanding, and i realized I was becoming unrecognizable from my former self.
I’m still discovering where I land on the BPD scale, but my favorite people, over time, are the ones whom I love but can’t have anymore or be around anymore. So I was depending on fuel and resource and validation from anywhere I could which was usually negative as I would only have either a social media post or pic or a third party. My most extreme favorite person, happened to be extremely narcissistic and cruel. When she left, it was out of the blue, but now I realize, broken people Attract broken people. She and I had been rocky and already had cheating and insecurities arise. I was abused as a kid by a neighbor. So for me, cheating has always been a problem to. Flirting, seeking validation from anyone who would give it, because my favorite person was ignoring me, or unavailable. My ex fiancé was my favorite person still for the next 4 years. While I was blocked, dragged through court for custody, child withheld, no contact. I spiraled so badly, I broke laws, I was impulsive I was very promiscuous and ended up digging myself a large hole. Further pushing my favorite away. Here’s the kicker. I became someone else’s favorite person the first year after my ex fp left. And I couldn’t reciprocate. I pushed her away, but still have enough validation she persisted. And 5 years later, multiple outbursts and literally every single female bpd trait that you’ve laid out here. So, two BPD. I believe I’m quiet, as mine is brewed from the childhood trauma of being molested hit by a car, and seeing my sister killed by a car. Yea we shouldn’t have been in the road. As I’ve aged my family disappeared one by one by death, or by indifference or many reasons. As a kid who lost his only sister and both parents to depression even though they were there. I was blamed for acting out; but never did I get the help needed at the time because america and insurance is bullshit. I got misdiagnosed many times. Many meds, nothing worked. Cptsd,dysthymia and quiet BPD with anxious attachment is what I believe best describes me. I’ve been learning and educating and putting to practice as much as I can on my mental health since day 1 I HATE my past. But it isn’t an excuse not to get my adult life together. Soo so so many people I’ve know have some form of mental issue or another at an increasing rate based on our state of relationships in general causing people to develop traits that might not have ever come out. I get so hurt watching these videos but I also immediately start to look inward, I try to see the things about my exes as good news. As I can offer more compassion.
Have you not yet considered a loving Higher Power whose Will is your happiness and peace?Perhaps all these catastrophes are lessons (Which incidentally will become incrementally worse over tme, trust me) because we are here to heal and trancend our ego. When we dont we have to repeat the lessons again and again. Change course brother and find perfect love ❤
Thanks for the insight and wisdom! I was wondering if you have or could do a video/offer insight on when the situation involves a platonic friendship between someone without BPD but is being used as the favorite person possibly when a relationship is used as bait but then turns into a FP situatuon. Thanks for the great videos!
I’ve had these ‘episodes’ so many times as described so many happening on top of each other that I ended up on medication - I’m better now but still need to go to therapy - I think anyone with bpd the best advice is try and channel that fp energy into a goal - I’m terrified of being in that cycle again as it consumes me 🤯
This is the most satisfying video I’ve watched since I broke-up with my borderline partner after she “split” me. My partner made my life a misery for two years. Her favourite person is a narcissistic buffoon who despised me, so at least I can take great comfort from the fact that both of their lives will soon be insufferably miserable.
It took close to 4 years to realize my wife might be suffering from this. She was the perfect women. Made me coffee every morning, had dinner every night, showed tons of affection, Incredible intimacy, etc. She was extremely insecure even though she was Absolutely beautiful to me. Just the mention of me leaving during an argument would drive her completely off the wall into another person. When she drank, this will intensify! She will go from being the most logical, rational person into a completely irrational person and there was nothing I can do to stop her. Her sense of abandonment was Incredibly high, even though she knew where I was every single minute of the day. I will then be the “Monster”, the “Bad Guy” for leaving and stepping away from the argument.
Your not alone she wasn't my wife but I've I think My story is the same 7 years though I think I may have been with a Covert Narc girlfriend… she always doubted me thought i was cheating and or wasn’t going to stay with her… so after awhile I didn’t feel comfortable having unprotected sex after we lost our baby and it was hard but I wanted too make sure she was going to stop doubting me for no reason and just believe that I love her and see what I am doing for her and her kids I was always there for her and we still could have sex with condoms but she wouldn’t for at least a month and hung it over my head even more after the failed pregnancy.. So then even with condoms it wasn’t something I was jumping for joy to go and do… even though i did because i love her… but she would get so mad saying I don’t love her etc… just wondering what people think about… being told this stuff when all you want is for your partner to not doubt you all the time and be so controlling and worrying even when you try to give them a ton of your time and even live together and you are helping her with her children from a previous relatonship etc. I won’t lie and say we would still do thing’s but sex wasn’t happening as much and I do have guilts about it but I also was being called names, felt controlled for how much time I would talk or hang with her vs my friends or family and sometimes even her own kids…. this has been really tough I love her very much and dont understand this stuff. I guess the question is also among other things is was I wrong to feel the way I did about sex and the relationship when I just wanted her to trust me and not grill me so much sorry for the huge question and what seems to be rambling also a back story to the whole thing as well…. as the state of my situation now…. down below I feel like I was always told if you really love me you'll have a child if you really love me you'll live with me if you really love me you marry me i did 2 out of the 3 but we lost the baby and I wanted her to stop doubting me so I didn't want to do unprotected anymore and it just didn't go well all I wanted was to be trusted and not doubted is that so bad It's almost like nothing I did helping with the kids everything just it for what ever reason never showed enough love or gave enough time even tho I felt like 90ish percent of my life was devoted to her and her children its so hard and sad :/ And I forgave her for a lot of stupid things that she would do you would do I won't say that I caught her cheating much, but i bet most would say what she did and has done was cheating... but she did talk to some guy online one time and then just recently when we were having difficulties and she was moving into her own place and I was possibly going to at least stay there and try to keep working on it I ended up finding messages from another guy from work this is 3 years after the other person even though that person was only online and then she ended up keeping talking to this guy while lying to me about it And then eventually we had an argument and she did the whole break up with me thing but then still wanted to work on things and still loved me and then eventually told me she slept with the other guy and then we're still talking to me so this has been super hard I could go on and on about what happened and I'm not trying to place blame all I wanted was for her to trust me and believe in my integrity I'm a person of my word I don't lie I don't cheat and I love with all my heart and I just don't understand how she could be this way and I wasn't scared of commitment I wasn't scared of marriage or child I just wanted the person I was with to believe I only wanted them and didn't want anyone else regardless of those things because I believe that it should be I was not going anywhere I was there for her and the kids 120% or so I thought. and I know I'm not perfect and I was and am always willing to work on things so that's what makes it hard too. One thing I always say or try to say to her was you want marriage, a baby, a dog, but I always told her you want all those things but when do you just want me. Because those things are beautiful and great to create with somebody but they shouldn't be the only thing you're with somebody for, because you want them and their attention to be with them and near them not just because of things you can get from them. I know my dad living with us wasn't easy sometimes either but I don't think it had a huge impact on all the things she always worried about if i was cheating or not going to be with her for ever and of course now I seem to be discarded. I do beat myself up and think did I not do enough should I have married or sooner should I have had child did I not give her enough attention that I hang out with my friends too much or be on the phone too much with them or did I play video games once in a while too much I felt like I always cater to her needs laid by her as much as she needed me I just wanted a little time with my friends here and there I barely even left the house when it came to doing that kind of stuff most of my friends are far away because they moved but I would play on the computer but I would try to only do it when she goes to sleep I don't know she has me 2nd guessing for sure the stuff is really hard especially when you're attached to her children 7 year relationship Anyways thanks God bless
@@MyShapeofmyHeart preoccupation with cheating usually means that person is cheating. seen it over and over again with friends, my parents, and my own relationships. supporting a relationship along with that person's children is no easy task. trust is the foundation of any relationship. without that, it's as good as done. don't let some "anchor baby" influence your logic. you know what's up. save yourself
Same experience exactly with addition of accusations of cheating, messaging other woman and staring at other woman. It was so difficult not to trigger her.
I'm his platonic favourite person, the sounding board, his emotional stability provider. The drama is getting to be a long story. I'm glad I'm seperated by distance, but that could change when he decides to change his present situation.
Hi Lise, are you able to do a video on female covert narcissists and the relationship with MIL's.......please🙏. Our family has slowly dissintergrated over the last few years as she slowly cunningly ramped up the pressure! The videos we've so far watched is like you personally know my son and his wife. It's gotten to the point where I've had to say NO MORE! A little granddaughter is involved now and it's a heartbreaking situation to have to confront!
Just wanted to say thank you so much, I'm completely trapped in a relationship with someone who has BPD and it's destroying me Probably going to leave them, there's no hope
As someone with BPD, this video is spot on in accuracy with what goes in in our mind with our favorite person. If I had the capability to become aromatic, I would do it in a heartbeat! Having an obsession for our Favorite Person is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and just horrible for our mental health overall. My favorite person has the ability to make or break my day; I feel absolutely powerless. The best way I can describe what happens when we initially attach to said FP, is it is like we spent all our lives looking and hoping for this ideal romantic partner. We’ve been treated lousy, abandoned, used, deceived, and abused by others. Even when I am no longer in these relationships anymore and my overall situation improves, I still remain on guard. I hope though that someday I will meet that special person who will be a turning point in my life. This is someone who won’t ever hurt me and will live me the way I need to be loved. Once I *think* I’ve met such person, it is game over. At that point, I feel like every bad relationship, hardship, etc that I experienced before no longer matters. This person feels like my savior and in my situations, this has always been a romantic partner. Once in a relationship, I try my best to be the perfect girlfriend. If he is upset, I cheer him up by telling him how amazing he is. If he has to work late, I’d cook and clean up so he could just relax. I’m bed, I went above and beyond to please him. I felt like my existence was to please him and make sure I do *nothing* or say anything that could possibly jeopardize the relationship. Every single day I’d think of what I can do to make him more happy, even at the expense of my own needs. I would even refresh Facebook messenger I don’t know how many times to see if there was a green dot next to his profile. It was very exhausting! I am working in myself a lot and trying to overcome this. I have a ways to go.
I appreciate the videos that are tailored more for men struggling with the pain of having been in a relationship with a woman who most likely unbeknownst to her has untreated bpd
Never forgetting something she saw as my fault, everything black and white, love bombing and then criticizing, possessive and controlling, always wanting more, jealous, almost to the point of stalking, asking where I went, who I went with, what we did, what I ate, calling me secretive if I don't share everything. Saying " I just wish I was number one with someone" - all of this and more. Even coming on the same cruise that my hubby and I planned with my best friend and her husband so "we can all have fun together." without telling me ahead of time. Always asking are you upset with me? What's wrong, you're so quiet. Emailing HUGE emails daily, texting, asking to do things together. I am exhausted and feel suffocated and when the resentment started I knew I had to set better boundaries. Now it's tears and begging for "compromise" and hurt feelings and anger which she never admits she has. I know I have to stick to the boundaries but I feel so mean when she cries. It's hard...
Been together for 13 years have a 12 year old child.. a business... a mortgage and a wife that I believe has BPD. It's been one big roller coaster ride to the point that I'm physically sick from stress and not able to do this anymore. It's so sad my wife's such a beautiful person... she has amazing energy animals love her they can't get enough of her.... people can't get enough of her..... The monster comes out and watch out she would throw me underneath the bus in a minute ...because she's thinking that I'm spying on her... hacking her ..cheating on her ...whatever else you can think of that would be negative... when in fact I'm just loving her!.... It's hard to accept and wrap my mind around it .....because I never experienced anyone with any type of mental issues to the point where it would destroy a relationship I kept hanging on thiking I could not change her. Instead I'm just another statistic favorite person.Its so hard on family and my biggest worry was splitting up with my wife and causing my kid to have a traumatic experience and becoming the same thing.
It would be a stretch.... I can't even get her to go to the medical doctor.... she's worried they're going to do something other than what they supposed to do, of course I'm just trying to make her think she's crazy so I can get away with my stuff i'm trying to pull all the time.🙄@@LiseLeblanc
What i found interesting about the last person i was with who had BPD was the fact they made ao many " assumptions contray to the hard evidence ". I learned in the army, never make assumptions, their almost always wrong. Assume nothing! They actually taught that in basic training. So i was amazed at the amount of assumptions this person made and believed those asumptions in the face of truth. I mean, i loved her. It was like she was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship daily. She was like the 3rd one id dealt with. It lasted 2 months. In a fit of rage, she blamed me for all her problems and called me an obscene name. Then she hung up. I was already walking on egg shells. I just blocked her everywhere on my phone ( she lived in another city ) then i moved on. Even in that short amount of time, i was trama bonded. If anyone who's gone through this is having second thoughts, DON'T! it does not get better. It boils down to " what SHOULD i do and what i wanna do! ". Its tough and hard to leave them behind, but you have to do the " SHOULD do." To easy.
100% my x partner. So wild have accurate you described her. I used to lay there thinking all these things and her actions. I didn’t know what it was until we broke up and had to know what was I dealing with and here we are. Thank you for the information
@@XMoCoGuX the only thing that works is NO CONTACT. It’s so tough but I realise it’s the only thing that really works. Everything else prolongs the pain. I’m sorry I don’t have a better solution.
@@XMoCoGuX noooooo a reply will only hurt you. Trust me. They seek any form of attention be bad or good. And in all of that it’s only you that gets hurt I’m sorry to say. No contact sounds so painful and yes I’m in the midst of it but I deep down know it’s the only way to get through this in the best way possible because there is no easy way. There’s only the right way. And that my friend is NO CONTACT. You’ll thank me in a couple months if you do this. As each day I’m thanking myself for staying strong. Plus if you want to help them then No Contact helps them get on with their life which is a selfless act in itself.
@@Paulroach6 yeah well for the past days i have been trying to not get into contact already and I'm doing ok with that but everytime i try to go to sleep i just fall into this cycles of thoughts about what has happened, i got no idea why. Do you feel the same? Or are you trying some sort of way that negates that?
My babies mom has BPD, it’s awful!!! She bounces back and forth between me being her favorite person, and other men. Meanwhile she’s left me to raise our 18 month daughter alone, while she drinks.
Being the favourite person of a BPD sibling is challenging, especially as they are a single parent with a child and so walking away is not really an option.
Yep going through that depression... Could do with a little help,so anything about fp relationships would be welcomed, so I don't keep repeating these mistakes plz
I hate to admit it but I think I have undergone some of this in the aftermath of my partner questioning our relationship, returning with new interest but being more closed off than before. A lot of it is trust that we are trying to reestablish but I find my mind constantly bothering me thinking she's going to choose someone else and follow through next time, or that I'm going to screw up and she'll leave. Is there a way to cope with this effectively and diplomatically try to get her to open up without her shutting down and my thoughts and worries driving me mad?
I had the same thing happen to me. I snooped on her phone and she was talking to a bunch of guys. She had been talking to some other guy from the beginning of our relationship.
Just got out of a friendship with someone with what I believe is undiagnosed BPD (I'm a clinical therapist and can't diagnose this person as I could never be unbiased, but it looks like this is what was happening)where I was the favorite person.. They split and I just... will not stand for someone painting me into some sort of villain or as someone who is obsessed with the BPD person. It became a little scary when they finally got the courage to "dump" me. They, I believe, projected onto me, all of behaviors I worry they may engage in (trespassing, showing up at places where they know I'll be. etc.). They pre-emptively accused me of wanting to engage in these behaviors. All I did was respond to their break up text with, "I agree, the friendship no longer works, I admire the courage it takes to speak to that and 100% align with you in that it is time to move on from the friendship. I wish you all the best." I received a bonkers email listing the things and places I am "not allowed to do" and I just.. blocked blocked blocked. There are no words to express how relieved I am for having this person out of my life... while in the friendship/living as housemates, I was unable to see the forest through the trees. Now, being out of it, my overall wellness has shot through the roof. I'm grateful to feel free and will be mindful of not allowing this person back into my life in any capacity.
Lisa i have bpd. Im 100% certain my favorite person has NPD.. I love him so much.. We have been in each others lives for 6 years.. I see the good in him.. But he treats me like garbage sometimes.. I know im intense.. I just dont know i cant let him go
I stumbled upon these videos initially trying to confirm whether I was dealing with a female Narc or a female BPD…instead I found that I have BPD and she’s my Favorite Person!😮😅😂 How cool is that. I at least have greater clarity as to what I’ve been putting her through. Wonder if we both have BPD, now? 🤔
I almost managed to break away from my bpd gf of 2 years. I made it 2 weeks until her friends and family members started bombarding me telling me I was destroying her and heartless and needed to talk to her. So i reached out to her and got pulled right back in. Now she’s completely taken on the victim role and I find myself bending over backwards to make her feel better. Consuming all my time and energy, when i left for that very same reason. It’s absolutely insane how another person can completely hollow you out of life force. I know it’s ultimately my fault for reaching out again. It all just makes me sick.
First of all, you need to let go of fault. This is a very tricky situation and you were being a compassionate human being. Secondly, as someone who has BPD and has had a favourite person, I can honestly say things will not change unless she gets intense help and is willing to see her toxicity and truly want to get help for it. While I was in the FP relationships I couldn’t acknowledge or change. It took the person leaving for me to finally realize that this is a pattern for me and one that I just didn’t want to keep repeating. I do not blame my FP for leaving, and in fact, I once thanked her for it because I would never have gotten the help I need otherwise. So, although I have a lot of empathy for your gf, I believe you ultimately need to do what is best for you. Don’t stay in the relationship hoping and expecting her to change because she won’t.
@@amandagagne4916 thank you for sharing all that info. I appreciate it. When I broke things off she stopped eating, her family said she left town and went out on a bender and said I put her in an dark place that she tried to leave behind. Told Me how guys were hitting on her at the bar. Told me I’m manipulative. I was doing so well for a couple weeks until her family started begging me to reach out of her because they were scared for her safety in that mental state. I do love her and want her to be safe and happy, so I reached out. She devalues me at least once every month or two, and breaks up with me, then begs me to take her back. I’m waiting for that to happen and I’m going to take that opportunity to leave. I just can’t do it right now, she would probably kill her self. All I know is after I get out of this I’ll probably never ever want to date again. It’s going to take a very long time to feel human again. Thank you again for sharing your story and info. I’m going to re read it a few times to commit it to memory.
@@ghostcircuitry I just want to challenge one thing you said - YOU did not put her in a dark place. It is our illness that does that. You really have to remember that and not take on any blame. From what I hear, you have truly been empathetic and tried to make it work. And you love her. This is very complicated and I truly am sorry for the position you are in right now. This is a very difficult step to take when you truly do care for the person. And in actual fact no one else is truly in your shoes and can tell you what to do. That’s a decision you need to come to on your own. My only advice is to truly reflect on what is best for you. Borderline relationships are difficult. And the FP relationship even more so. I am wishing you all the best of luck as you navigate this.
I avoid the emotional outbursts with my new favorite person because I've come to realize the problem is me. If i constantly second guess people, they WILL leave. If I stop assuming, and take a step back before sending a manipulative plz validate me text, I will look back and see no *evidence* to make mr think they will abandon me or are upset with me. It typically happens during the absence of communication. I have to remember its ok to go a few weeks or months without, if nothing has been said, nothing has changed, its that simple. If they are upset with me and they don't say anything, thats on them, not on me. It hurts and its a struggle but i want healthy relationships for the first time in my life. For those with BPD just asking someone directly if everything is cool works the best. Remain as neutral or positive as you can. You have to truly listen though. No oh you don't love me you'll leave me like the rest blah blah bs i know goes through our minds, just ask as simply and direct as you can and ACCEPT THE ANSWER! don't argue! Yes! You can be loved too!! Its unbelieveable right? You might as well take it, its what we all want after all Lol
Thank you, Lise, for another excellent video. I seem to be a magnet for this type of person. What is the best / most effective way to back away from a relationship with a BPD person?
This is why I gray rock my ex-wife. She often interprets the neutral expression as as me being angry or upset, but in reality I just don't want to give her any fuel for her next rampage. It seems like every time I get split black it gets easier for her to split me again, so I play it safe. The tactic actually works super well and keeps the peace so we can co-parent.
We've been reading people constantly, for most of our lives. We manufacture the magnet with manipulation.. I guess I just love bomb...? Hate to use these terms, as it makes it sound all-the-more intentional. We listen and watch, then we give people the thing they want/need/lack...and, sometimes, in very large doses... It can feel like we're the missing puzzle piece.
I have in my appartment bldg 20 people out of 200. And I will ignore these people like the plague. They have abandoned themselves. Yet I want NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM...I'M SORRY THEY LIVE LIKE THIS... I'VE BEEN THERE,DONE THAT. I TREAT THEM LIKE I DID BEFORE I MET THEM...NOT AT ALL. 😠
Can a BPDs “favorite person” be their LEAST favorite person? Like an enemy they mirror for example. The BPD claims to hate this person, despises them, yet copies this person. I think it’s an envy situation but why would a BPD mirror someone they hate? So can an enemy be the fave person?
As a securely attached, I have been in two relationships with BPD men.. Never again..Jealousy, mood swings, accusations of cheating, while being constantly pulled into the drama unstable behaviors and chaos... Extremely difficult for me. Boundaries were always tested which created arguments and more choas, arguments and trauma. ....Had to go no contact with both at the end of each of those relationships...I would rather be single . Videos like these are so important to teach us how to spot the behaviours of BPD before the relationship becomes too deep. Thank you for being there for so many.
When a person with borderline personality disorder also has strong narcissistic traits at the end of a relationship, if they are the one to leave, will they behave like a narcissist? That is, could they come back? After several months? Greetings from Italy
It kind of sounds like what an assassin does when they're casing a new hit victim. This kind of person is very, very dangerous. They seem to personify the dangerous aspects of impulse in a human being gone completely wrong. Turning them into a living human time bomb. Tick tock tick tock..
Like a 4-5 year old. Sounds like a nightmare to live in that state. I got that from my ex. I feel bad for the people that have to live with this disorder. I never knew what personality disorder was. I realized at a young age that if i wanted something I was going to have to achieve it, if i had to work hard for it then so be it. If i tried and couldn't achieve the thing i wanted , well then i knew at least i gave it my best shot. I never attached or depended on anybody to get my needs met. But i understand the seriousness of the disorder. It's tragic. Life is a tough game man it really is. That's why you have to live within certain boundaries and discipline.
I was the favorite person in a bdp relationship. Literally all she had was family as friends. She would call me a favorite person too. I had to call the cops on her, she would break in my house, and distort realities, even when those realities are on security cam. It was a nightmare but she found out my weaknesses early and then threw them at me before discarding. Crazy crazy.
My BPD ex asked me early on in the relationshit "what is your biggest fault?" and "what is your biggest weakness?" I was surprised, but at the time I just thought she was curious about me, that's all- was I wrong!
She wanted us to go out on dates more…she would start fights about random shit during the week and we’d never get to do things because we’d be making up or arguing…I ended up being toxic myself by staying even after the first split she had. I stayed 2 yrs trying to make her understand we need a break from her shit first us to build intimacy. My spider sense kept telling me everything she said to me or felt about me was only as good as how she felt in that moment and I probably hurt her more than I wanted to by often being dismissive after the 125 micro-break up in the space of the first year…I’m not perfect and I have my own traumas and flaws but she made me feel like I was the worst person in the world because she wouldn’t respect my space in fights and I’d yell and call out her mental illness and how toxic she was…she turned me so cold and uncaring and yet all I wanted was to love and her and have normal conversations and interactions without hostilities…I was so fed up…she finally found someone else after one of our push pull and now he’s the perfect guy that I wasn’t. 😂 these people are nuts…If I never have to yell at another human being to leave me alone at the top of my lungs again it’ll be perfect…
This explains a former friend exactly. Male, interestingly enough. He threatened to kill me because he assumed I was conspiring to take his FP. He also uses cocaine so that could be it. Idk.
I was an NPD/BPD's favorite person. She "jokingly" suggested on at least two occasions that we get married: "We spend so much time together. Why don't we just get married?!?" The only problem was I'm gayer than Rock Hudson. She was that desperate to hook a husband/protector.
Imagine my surprise being diagnosed BPD and all over cluster B. Just dropped my bromance. Crushed a narc gf to whom I gave a love of 1000 universes. She is a predator so no guilt there.
btw. SOUND LIKE EVERY WOMEN IN LOVE. What is the difference? Anyone tell me please? Many women are doing the things yousay Lisa when they are fascinated by me. So are they all BPDS? or women?
@@urdeadremote love and trauma bond has the same qualities, there is no differencnce. But it is not political correct to say it loud. It is enough to say, oh trauma bond is not love, ignoring all the characteristics and it`s done.
@@Happy-Me. Your ex must've been a knockout because Jessica Walter certainly was! I befriended a guy and, in retrospect, I see that he would probably be diagnosed with BPD and I was probably his favorite person. I specified that movie because it reminded of this guy. He wasn't gay. He was happily married to a woman (or as happily married as someone with BPD can be, at least) but he acted like a needy girlfriend. He acted as if he thought we were a couple and that we had to do things jointly. Remember the scene where Jessica Walter's character took it upon herself to start organizing the guy's refrigerator? That's how this guy was--trying to tidy up certain areas of my life without being asked to do so. It was really weird. He wanted me to spend all my free time with him, he behaved as if he thought I was his property and every time I turned around, he was trying to insert himself into some area of my life. I couldn't wait to be rid of him.
@@meatwad1 Yes she was physically beautiful and would do anything for me. Sadly, as we know, once you trigger their fear of rejection and/or abandonment the relationship is over but as a favourite person they will never stop pining for you.
@@Happy-Me. I had always found it really hard to tolerate my former friend's neediness, but he seemed like a good guy, so I thought I would try to make him understand that I was extremely independent compared to most other people and that we could be friends if he gave me plenty of space but ONLY if he gave me plenty of space. I'm a dismissive avoidant to the core. My mother died when I was a baby. I was raised by my maternal grandmother who allowed several of my aunts, uncles and cousins to bully me throughout my childhood. And my father was a mean drunk who wanted nothing to do with me or my older brother. So I grew up seeing I couldn't rely on others--not even the people who were supposed to be closest to me. When my grandmother died, I lived with just my father. He spent all his free time in bars and allowed me to come and go as I pleased. I didn't have a curfew. I was allowed to come home whenever I liked. I basically spent most of my time alone and without parental supervision since I was 12. I haven't answered to anyone since I was 12. I've kept my own counsel since I was 12 (and even younger) and I've made all of my own decisions since I was 12 and by the time I was 18, I wouldn't have it any other way. Then when I was 27 years of age, I befriended this weird, apparently BPD guy who spent every minute trying to control me and treating me like I was his property, one of his children and his spouse. I kept trying to tell him that this wasn't going to work but he just wouldn't hear it. The last thing I wanted or needed was a parent or some guy who thought he was my wife and he found out the hard way that I wasn't going to put up with it indefinitely.
@@LiseLeblanc indeed. The information on channels like yours have helped me tremendously. I at least know what I'm dealing with but it's still very hard.
@Egalitarian917 That's horrible. I hope you're in a better situation today. My divorce was final late last year. It took all my strength but it was the only option. She's even worse today from what I hear. They never learn or change.
My borderline partner also happened to be my favourite person in the literal sense. Whatever she did, i would always feel that way - even if she had rung me 60 times that day my heart would leap when she rang. Eventually i found an antidote for every single problem behaviour, giving her the space to work on herself. After keeping her stable for almost a full week she had the revelation that therapy might benefit her, and from then on there was no stopping her! I got my life back, and had a relationship with my ideal partner. We were blessed.
I’m so happy for you mate. I’m going through this since Monday and I’m planning to approaching it similar to you. What do you mean by antidote though? Were you trying to fix these problems? I know trying to fix problems can be controversial and not wanted by a BPD partner
@@dickdaring365 the antidotes I chose were personal to her but the formula is not to try to fight the behaviours but to try to play them out into something that resolved the issue. So firstly I gave her continual praise, not to her ego but to her character, to counteract the low feeling of self worth. This was done grey-rock with a list of examples of her good points, and all the ways she left me breathless.
I continually reassured her about the relationship to counteract the abandonment trauma. I performed almost superhuman feats to impress her and bring her life back together and paint me as a hero again, but this needed constant replenishment, it keeps them physically close so they can have regular injections of bpd antidote.
I also used calming techniques from horse-whispering where problem animals learn to allow humans to approach, touch, and interact with them.
I found it was possible to hold my partner to account so long as there was no sense of blame - I would continually bolster her character.
I also created atmospheres, by for example bombarding her with gifts and pleasures over an extended period, and anchoring the mood with a simple phrase or song that I repeated as many times as I could during the experience. Whenever her mental health began to plummet, I would isolate which neurosis was causing the trigger and neutralise it very gradually by repeating the appropriate phrase when she seemed to be listening to me, getting her to calm down, stabilise, and eventually be happy. This takes many hours daily to implement, however the effects take a few short weeks to work, and the person can pick up on the method and create their own catch phrases.
Because we had a therapist on call waiting in the wings doing nothing I also took the time to consult them about self improvement based on my partners input about me, so that I could show off about it to her, making it seem that it's all the rage nowadays to get a clean bill of mental health so she didn't want to end up being the odd one out - and this was super effective.
I had to use additional strategies to counteract dementia too. The important thing is to let them be in control, but also show your own strength alongside, and to provide a warm loving space that is always there whatever they do.
@@dickdaring365 I wasn't trying to fix the bpd problems initially. I had been working with her on her dementia, hence the repetition method.
However when I put these ideas together, they seem to gel into a perfect shape - I couldn't see any flaws in my plan and it was worth a try.
Importantly, some of the mental health work cannot be performed by the partner, and this is the part that finally shifts their attachment style and basically cures them. The therapy we used doesn't involve the partner directly, however I managed to find places where I needed to do 'inner child work' myself so we were put on a healing journey together.
Best of luck with your healing - it's well worth it, I had the happiest time of my life.
@@disdroid this is so interesting, thank you for sharing. Did you guys split up eventually, since you are saying "had"? Was it the same issue or something else ?
@@martinmackay693 no, we were together until she passed away last year
I have to say. I am so disappointed in myself that I was in a year long relationship with a girl who has BPD. I overreacted to her constant false accusations, I got rid of lifelong friends, some in a cruel and disrespectful way, isolated myself, and tried to anticipate her needs. I thought I was being a great boyfriend to her, and I even bought a wedding ring for her that she refused to give back. Every SINGLE one of these cycles happened to me. Hearing this actually scares me right now. It is dying HEARTBREAKING to me that I didn’t catch these issues in her before. I just assumed I was a terrible man and she was just over sensitive in general. I spent thousands of dollars on travel to see her. She finally forced me to leave after an explosive fight. I am truly, regretfully sad that there was nothing I could do for her. I’m not any type of psychologist, but all of these videos are spot on, like a mirror of our story. Be careful who you let into your life. I had no idea how badly she suffered. But also didn’t know there was nothing I could ever do to win. Stay strong if it happened to you. Sorry to everyone who has been through this, including the persons who have this disorder
Being in a relationship with a bpd is amazing until it turns into a nightmare.
Nightmare is an understatement.
@@ionvitan8964 💯
What part is amazing? I only hear guys say that. It's always her fawning all over a guy and the sex. Is there something else? I'm around BPD females and my God, so much has to be explained all the time. It's so remedial. Like being around a child. What is it? What's amazing?
@@Laura-nl8df exactly what you wrote is your answer. You obviously are not in an "intimate" type relationships with the BPD women you are around. A man that may have been emotionally or physically ignored in the past will really get an EGO boost from the constant attention, affection, sex, etc that the BPD showers at the beginning of the relationship.
You know men can be kinda dumb.
@@wtdenton4090 Thank you W T! I really appreciate your response. No, I'm definitely not in an intimate relationship with them. I can't stand them for very long and wonder how anyone else could. I feel like I'm raising people who are already grown. The 2 around me are covert narcs as well so I'm pretty sour on them. Thank you. Best wishes to you. 🙏🏽
Being the BPDs favourite person feels amazing until you realise that they insert themselves into every aspect of your life and they become jealous and obsessive
That's creepy.
I feel the same. The person is simply not honest.
It's horrible! the only time things are good is when you're alone with them in the house and leave your phone far away.
Yes in the constant distrust of you and that person's eyes is unbearable. They tell you what if you really loved me you wouldn't give up. Can honestly say that I really loved this person but physical and mental health falls when the person you does not trust you
Amazingly accurate description. The problem is no matter how much damage they cause you can never get them out of your head. Hence why ppl are still watching these videos.
Geez dude
If I didn't text good morning.....You are so right on about my horrible experience.
My first wife had BPD, and my second wife had NPD. After that, I couldn't imagine ever trusting myself to choose a third. I used to be afraid of being alone until I learned that there are worst things. I'd rather live alone the rest of my life than repeating either of those two experiences. They nearly destroyed me.
So what do you have that you married these two people ?
@@Lifewithlei125 I don't have a diagnosis and I'm still trying to figure that out myself.
@@joecaner I married a borderline woman and dated a narcissist off-and-on for several years as well (didn't know either at the time as this was many years ago before these concepts got into the mainstream). I was always being blamed for things in each of these (and other) relationships that I did not feel I was doing and wondered if I had some major blind-spot, so went into therapy a few years ago.
I learned that I grew up with dysfunctional parents--my dad was narcissistic and my mom codependent. I grew with great shame by being blamed by my dad for everything I did and my mom not speaking up for me. My dad was projecting his shame on to me and I got used to feeling defective for no reason, and ended up taking on a caretaker/people-pleaser role to try to navigate my childhood. Hope this may be helpful for you.
@@andyb7942 Thank you for sharing your experience. Yeah, it does help. It was bad. Neglect, abuse, scapegoating, fear, shaming accompanied by inevitable trauma and followed by gaslighting and the invalidation of one’s experiences and feelings. It literally feels like I am approaching the event horizon of a black hole every time I am in close proximity with them, but we’re able to talk on the phone without much distress as long as I keep it superficial. Unfortunately, a couple of my siblings have taken up their roles. Sucks to be them I suppose. It’s difficult to be around those two as well. They are filled with such, I’m not quite sure what one would call it, but I can feel it emanating from them, and they are so concerned with outward appearances, that I barely know who they are, and I’m not sure they do either. Whatever it is that is coming off them, it feels bad, and I feel badly for them. I didn’t get away clean. None of us did, but at least I got away with my humanity more or less intact so I am grateful for that much.
Which wife was worse?
Men, she is 100% right on, you never want to be a BPD's favorite person. Many men who were emotionally ignored and neglected as children can find this kind of attention addictive and hard to let go of. But its a bate and switch so the BPD can neglect you on purpose and subject you to a neglectful relationship and leave you chasing after them in a sick cat and mouse game. Lise, it's refreshing to see the value you give men.
Indeed. This is especially true for men who were raised by a Borderline mother.
@@maton100 ...and unavailable moms like mine, who I was always yearning for her emotional attention and physical touch.
@@eaglewindspirit Andre Green's "The Dead Mother."
I’m finalizing a divorce from a person with BPD. I’m drained on every level and tired of the roller coaster I was strapped into. I wish her the best but I have to survive. I am a man who is suffering from PTSD from the trauma of my childhood. I was ignored and neglected by my mom so yes I got addicted to the “lovebomb” quickly. I’ve learned a lot from videos like this and my therapist but now it’s time to rebuild me and live on. 💪🏻😇
Hit that nail squarely on the head.
It's hard to be put into the fp position. No lie. One isn't perceived as a human with needs and aims and problems of their own. The demands for attention, validation, and reassurance can be too much; and can utterly destroy any fond regard that once existed.
I can relate to what you’re saying and my next FP vid will be on the challenges of being an FP
I am her favourite person and thought I was going crazy
@@chefcakes-qw7ln yeah, I understand. I hope you don't end up hating her for it because that is going to ruin you even worse. Be serious about self regard and protection.
Not to mention it's physically and emotionally exhausting.
I have this disorder, and everything you've explained in all of your videos is very true. I have never heard it from such an outside perspective, and learning about my condition in this way is both enlightening and incredibly shame-inducing. I know these videos are meant to help people who fall victim to these personalities, but being the monster you describe is something else. I am untreated as well, so my symptoms are still alive and well and very palpable, except that I think they've actually worsened over the years (in some ways) due to being socially ostracized and not having a very good support system.
Attending therapy has been hard for me as I have comorbid ADHD, so my memory is terrible and I frequently miss appointments. I have really bad executive dysfunction as a result, and can hardly maintain a job or any relationships. My boyfriend is my FP and the last two before him are no longer in my life due to me acting out. My boyfriend is basically the only person I have ever met that can put up with me and has never abused me back in any way, it's been through my relationship with him that I've realized I am the problem.
The terrible reality of living with this disorder is that, I wish I were just normal, but I don't even know what that looks like, I have never been normal and this has always been my life since I was so young.
The other part of it is, that I know I was a sweet and sensitive child, but constant invalidation and negative feedback (from being neurodivergent) caused me to internalize extreme extreme shame and self-hatred, and my experience has always been that of abandonment.
Now that I am with someone who is so solid, I can hardly believe the hubris that comes out of my psyche. I can hardly fathom the intense pain I've caused myself, and that others have caused me. It seems endless. I wish I could say that I have some hope for a future for myself, but I'm not there yet. I am very very tired of being this way. I miss the people who I've hurt, who I loved so much.
I miss myself, I wish I could remember who that is.
Above all, I am so terribly sorry for the pain I have caused and I am so sorry to everyone who has had to put up with this behavior. It's not your fault, nor is it your responsibility. I wish I had the self-awareness long ago before I ruined my relationships with the people I loved the most in this world, people who made me feel less alone. My heart hurts, this disorder is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Thank you for taking the time to sharing your experience. I truly hope you will gain some level of stability and be able to manage your symptoms better so you don’t have to suffer so much
Please understand that there are people in your life that want you to get help and want to help you. If you go to therapy and do what you're supposed to do, I think those people will continue to be there for you but there are a lot of apologies that have to be made. As much as you are hurting, unfortunately you are behavior hurts other people deeply and just because there's a disorder doesn't mean that we can just forget about it and use that as an excuse. I feel for you, I really do. I'm a recovering addict. I've had to work very hard on that and it does get better
My heart hurts i so relate to this i want that on my headstone died of a broken heart
Leblanc nails the phenomenology of this disorder and the precarious consequences that await the unsuspecting.
This video makes me torn between being a survivor of narcissistic abuse versus me being the mentally disturbed one who has BPD. The addiction to the other person sounds the same but the reasons are wildly different.
Actually borderlines usually end up with narcissistic. It’s a unhealthy but common dance. The narcissistic lives for the extra attention and infatuation the borderline has. And the borderline lives for fake confidence the narcissist has. She see the narcissist as her savior. There are plenty of articles that helps break this down.
I felt the same way , my ex sent me this saying it was me … but there a big backstory to why I ended up like this , my therapist feels I didn’t fit the bill … but I did act like a BPD person only with the recent one .., I do believe I fell in love with a narcissist and became an irrational person trying to navigate it , nothing is black and white for me going between love bomb and devaluation was after I found out I was cheated on and lost a baby due to the woman stalking me , part of me still loved him madly but then the other part hated him cause I blamed him for her …there’s alot of reasons why ppl could act like this without having BPD..I’m living proof , sometimes I still think I have it but I know my story. Maybe like me there was a reason you were like that , loving a narcissist isn’t easy …I still love mine after all the pain
@@hearme4581 Sounds right. Sounds like an enmeshment of epic proportion - these articles you speak of, where? Do you have links?
I don't know... My sister seems to have BPD and my mother has some traits although in th quiet way. My father is a covert narcissist. I sometimes believe that children of narcissists may develop BPD because of trying to cope with vicious anger and abandonment.. I think I might have BPD too.. I don't usually blame others but when facing the possibility of abandonment I cannot take it and I always want to end the relationship first. The only other way to cope with it is to dissociate and pretend that I don't care
All true. I have a sibling with BPD I've never mentioned the slights, hurts or manipulations, I've tried over and over again until I had to step away for my own safety. It's heartbreaking because one of the personalities inside my sibling is the best, most loving & helpful you could ever meet. It's just the other personalities that you can't be around. Please slay those demons of jealousy, control, manipulation, destruction and spite, I still love you but love can not consent to see you destroy yourself and others. Im not in competition with you, I love you doing as much or as little as you want to do. Its ok and I want you to enjoy many friendships and relationships. The reality is people also have free will to speak with other people, people will fail to read your mind about what to say/do or what not to say/do but sabotage is never okay. That's when people leave. You, yourself are loved and missed beyond words, this is a spiritual battle and I pray YOU will win it, knowing the truth, because the Truth sets you free. 😢🙏❤️
Reading this made me cry. My ex is like this 💔
I didn't have viscous mood swings until I met my ex narcissist gf. She recently dumped me by text for saying that she was rude. The relief is amazing. No more mood swings. Thanks for the upload ❤️.
viscious*
100% on point.
My ex broke up with me last Xmas as she thought I was going to cheat on her 'one day', apparently I never loved or cared for her etc etc etc.. This video is scary true about that relationship I had. 😔
The same happened to me. I was shocked at first. Now I m very happy. Can't find much fun overall in rollercoaster relationships and constant high and low, eeew no thenks. I feel such peace now.
@@sunbeam9222 *update*
My current gf has bdp/dpd and a couple other issues. She been through extreme severe trauma. I'm 50 this year and I can honestly say she's the most amazing woman I've ever dated. So much so we're planning on getting engaged this year.
So my ex breaking up with me Xmas 2021 was a godsend 😆👌
Going through this now in a divorce
@@boris1387 How's it going man?
@@jasonwierman9226 literally couldn't be happier dude🤙🙌 getting married to my fiancé in September. Can be tough at times but we work things through and every time we do it brings us closer. Thanks for asking🙌🤙👌👍🏻
once point in this video that is supper on point - is that the BPD partner will never be satiated with your love. lets say from a partner i had from a undiagnosed BPD partner - i swear - we could live 10 miles from our nearest neighbor in a small town. i could work with all men. i could be a hermit and just be in the home all day and never leave without her. except if i go to the local grocery store and theres a woman at the register - my bpd partner would find that triggering. She would first assume and accuse me of wanting her. then only after hours of that stance, she would just level off into me having to show an exhausting amount of dedication just to sooth her. ITS UNTENNABLE people. she was only getting more severe in her reactions.
and forget some of the experts opinions, and some dating coaches, who say separate the disease from the person. im not saying to demonize them as i have empathy for them and their struggles. however, being in a long term relationship is so extremely difficult. Try separating the disease from the person when they are saying you are a sick sick person and are an awful partner after you had a video conference where there was a person of the opposite sex who just happened to sit in on the meeting. try separating the disease from the person when they give you the silent treatment for hours because you didnt text them in the time frame they expected; for which they get made even more so that they dont have you to contact to calm down because they are so mad at you in the first place. of course you have to spend an entire night soothing them after being triggered by all of this. ** and i mean an entire night**
just stay clear of this drama. trust your gut. i didnt listen to mine because i thought it would get better.
best to all of you, especially all these men and women who were traumatized by a BPD partner.
Interesting, I just discovered this personality disorder and was someone's favorite person for nearly seven months. It was definitely a roller coaster. A distinction that I noticed regarding reason #1 is that my BPD significant other actually was obsessed with making ME more like THEM, rather than the other way around. They refused to accept some key personality differences and issued several ultimatums to change the core of who I am. Ultimately I ended it, but as I've heard on your channel, my SO was so traumatized and they actually flipped the script on me during the breakup, got me to agree to give things another chance, and then broke up with me on the very next day. Learning more about this disorder makes me feel compassion for them (although I'm definitely glad it's over!).
Counseling really helps with managing our more extreme tendencies. Be aware and open.
I've also noticed that, because in the beginning they are exhausting themselves in every way just to be that ideal person for their favorite person, they start to become resentful towards that person. They are worn out and emotionally exhausted and they associate that feeling of anxiety with the favorite person. So, if they are doing something like going out of their way to text or call or going out of their way to give you sex all the time and they don't really want to be doing these things, they will start to hate their favorite person because they feel like they are being forced to do all these things when they actually did it willingly to manipulate them.
This was exactly my situation in my last relationship 😢
I even had caregiver burnout bc he was in a wheelchair following a botched back surgery the last 18 months we were together. It's really sad when you have to get away from someone so abruptly bc of your BPD😢
Music to my ears. I was discarded by my borderline, because her female FP was far more attentive. So glad to know that she’ll get a smack-down by karma.
Sex is not love.
@@mangore623it’s not a conscious decision, it’s a neurochemical and genetic nervous system disorder that causes these traits.
@hrrromo4246 thank you for this reply i love these videos but sometimes the comments are really hard for me to read as someone who is borderline and actively working on recovery. i have never ever ever intentionally manipulated someone and the idea that i have done actions that could be read as manipulative or are manipulative because of my disorder just kills me :(
I was diagnosed with this. I never really understood the meaning until I found your channel. I just can't thank you enough. This is a living nightmare yet the best feeling. My favorite person doesn't know I have this but..... They suggested things just as u said your words pretty much nailed everything I did. Only thing I don't do is try and hurt them or make them pay for whatever I think they did. I take it out on myself smoking is just one of them cuz im in constant fight or flight mode panic .I have projects to do but I need there direction in doing so which is not to straight forward. I know it's selfish of me I hate this
So many of your videos are great. But this one really described my relationship the best. 2.5 years of push/pull. We know she has BPD, she gets treatment and therapy for it for months but she just cannot stop blaming me. Often for things I haven't done. Its heartbreaking to end this relationship. And I have gotten addicted to being the "saviour" and favorite person. I feel like I am coming off a hard drug addiction every time we separate.
If you could make videos on how to overcome the lows after being a fav person that would be very helpful. Thank you for everything that you do.
your BPD videos are some of the best on youtube thx for that
Thank you!
I as a man have done this so many times.... and even with meds and therapy... I still cannot stop doing it. Whether it is a new co-worker, a new friend, a new girlfriend etc...
Not fun to live like this... but cannot stop. After many divorces and children who don’t want to see me... I have given up on forming healthy relationships anymore... I even change jobs frequently... despite a decade of Paralegal work, it has been for several firms instead of one.
My only real friend is another paralegal who is diagnosed clinical depression... and my own doctor said its probably how he survived your extremes when he became your non-favourite person and is now just a person to you.
Join ACA, look into it!
Be kind to you. Breathe, and know you are Loved.
I can relate I am 42 years old and I am exhausted...
This was my life being with a person with BPD for 2.5 years. Breaks my heart everyday still thinking about it
Thank you so much for all of this content; at least now I understand a little better about why I feel so crazy and confused. My ex-gf made me into her favorite person right after she broke up with me. Twice now, so I've been complicit with my weak boundaries and fawning tendencies. What I thought was a mature breakup resulting in warm friendship has instead turned into a living nightmare that I feel trapped in. Thank you for helping me understand some of these dynamics. Lord help all of us suffering in these brutal relationships.
The not reaching out in the morning you mentioned...yea, I dealt with that. Exhausting, esp. bc I was WORKING!
She discarded me. Said we weren't compatible, and that was it. We were engaged, had our first disagreement, and she left. 3 weeks later a new person. Said I was dead to her. It's been almost 2 years, no contact. No cycling. I'm a final discard. While I know it's good, still hurts emotionally know the person you loved, wasn't real
've watched a few of your videos over the months and they are informative. This one was so far the best for me, as it helps to put my past experiences into a relatable context. Making sense of what happened. Even if the fit isn't perfect. Thanks from Denmark
Being on a support group website years ago led to me forming friendships with several people with BPD. Never again. They're all fine people and deserve fulfilling lives and relationships, but after being chewed out several times over nothing I just threw up my hands and said "Nope. Someone else can deal with that."
100% In my case I just cut them off in the end. Emails automatically to trash and phone numbers blocked. It wasn't worth it enduring the lies, gas lighting and walking on eggshells.
Not gonna lie, that made me laugh
@@SerterSerter same
You have described perfectly, my relationship to the person that I am certain has BPD. I really appreciate that in the video, you describe in detail the BPD actions and reactions. It is as if you know me and her, and you have walked in my shoes. Your knowledge is very helpful and supportive. It is sad that people with BPD struggle so much in life. And it is sad for those of us that love someone that has BPD and that that person with the BPD refuses to get help with his or her disorder.
run away
I won't rehash all the details as I've already spelled them out so many times before - possibly including in comments on this channel - but the key point is I had an ex who in hindsight clearly had BPD, and I recently discovered via stumbling across her new social media profile & (to my shame) letting my curiousity get the better of me that after she discarded me - both due to her own paranoia and the encouragement of her family & "best friend" - she remained obsessed with me, even seven years down the line, even going as far as to still use my very specific pet name for her as her screen name on dating (& hookup) sites.
It's just as bad being with someone who's fp is a platonic male friend instead of their actual partner.
this is so spot on! all it took was for me to say hi to a friend in public. It was impossible to take her out on a date. i had to switch sides at the table one time because i wasn't allowed to face anyone. She accused me of checking out a waitress and made a scene in the restaurant.
I have BPD and this is another great video.👍
I’m thinking that this was my experience. I had never felt anything like it in my life. Being her favorite was pure euphoria. I think could be avoidant PD. I’ve never been the same. I shut down and went into autopilot mode anytime we interacted after finally pushing her away.
being with a BPD is like walking on a minefield - you'll get ripped to pieces for one word they don't like or just the intonation anytime with no regards of you. You can never feel safe around them for more than one second. they cheat on you for giving a like to someone on FB or Insta, the pick up fights and yell at you like no one ever - yet they expect you to provide safety while they destroy the safest person in a second and tell you it's your fault because you are an abusive monster. When their work is done you'll be left with PTSD yourself - and they'll happily run to the next favorite person.
Those things that they obsessively try to find out about you, to get closer to you, are the same things theyll use to deconstruct you thru the relationship to make you more like who they actually want, more than who you actually are. This came later in the relationship (about a year to be exact) once I was so emotionally invested, I was willing to make compromises. But i started to realize these compromises became more frequent, and demanding, and i realized I was becoming unrecognizable from my former self.
I’m still discovering where I land on the BPD scale, but my favorite people, over time, are the ones whom I love but can’t have anymore or be around anymore. So I was depending on fuel and resource and validation from anywhere I could which was usually negative as I would only have either a social media post or pic or a third party. My most extreme favorite person, happened to be extremely narcissistic and cruel. When she left, it was out of the blue, but now I realize, broken people
Attract broken people. She and I had been rocky and already had cheating and insecurities arise. I was abused as a kid by a neighbor. So for me, cheating has always been a problem to. Flirting, seeking validation from anyone who would give it, because my favorite person was ignoring me, or unavailable. My ex fiancé was my favorite person still for the next 4 years. While I was blocked, dragged through court for custody, child withheld, no contact. I spiraled so badly, I broke laws, I was impulsive I was very promiscuous and ended up digging myself a large hole. Further pushing my favorite away. Here’s the kicker. I became someone else’s favorite person the first year after my ex fp left. And I couldn’t reciprocate. I pushed her away, but still have enough validation she persisted. And 5 years later, multiple outbursts and literally every single female bpd trait that you’ve laid out here. So, two BPD. I believe I’m quiet, as mine is brewed from the childhood trauma of being molested hit by a car, and seeing my sister killed by a car. Yea we shouldn’t have been in the road. As I’ve aged my family disappeared one by one by death, or by indifference or many reasons. As a kid who lost his only sister and both parents to depression even though they were there. I was blamed for acting out; but never did I get the help needed at the time because america and insurance is bullshit. I got misdiagnosed many times. Many meds, nothing worked. Cptsd,dysthymia and quiet BPD with anxious attachment is what I believe best describes me. I’ve been learning and educating and putting to practice as much as I can on my mental health since day 1 I HATE my past. But it isn’t an excuse not to get my adult life together. Soo so so many people I’ve know have some form of mental issue or another at an increasing rate based on our state of relationships in general causing people to develop traits that might not have ever come out. I get so hurt watching these videos but I also immediately start to look inward, I try to see the things about my exes as good news. As I can offer more compassion.
Have you not yet considered a loving Higher Power whose Will is your happiness and peace?Perhaps all these catastrophes are lessons (Which incidentally will become incrementally worse over tme, trust me) because we are here to heal and trancend our ego. When we dont we have to repeat the lessons again and again. Change course brother and find perfect love ❤
Thanks for the insight and wisdom! I was wondering if you have or could do a video/offer insight on when the situation involves a platonic friendship between someone without BPD but is being used as the favorite person possibly when a relationship is used as bait but then turns into a FP situatuon. Thanks for the great videos!
I've been and still am a FP of a bpd. Scary stuff
I’ve had these ‘episodes’ so many times as described so many happening on top of each other that I ended up on medication - I’m better now but still need to go to therapy - I think anyone with bpd the best advice is try and channel that fp energy into a goal - I’m terrified of being in that cycle again as it consumes me 🤯
This is the most satisfying video I’ve watched since I broke-up with my borderline partner after she “split” me. My partner made my life a misery for two years. Her favourite person is a narcissistic buffoon who despised me, so at least I can take great comfort from the fact that both of their lives will soon be insufferably miserable.
That dude will be feeling the pain as we speak.
It took close to 4 years to realize my wife might be suffering from this. She was the perfect women. Made me coffee every morning, had dinner every night, showed tons of affection, Incredible intimacy, etc. She was extremely insecure even though she was Absolutely beautiful to me. Just the mention of me leaving during an argument would drive her completely off the wall into another person. When she drank, this will intensify! She will go from being the most logical, rational person into a completely irrational person and there was nothing I can do to stop her. Her sense of abandonment was Incredibly high, even though she knew where I was every single minute of the day. I will then be the “Monster”, the “Bad Guy” for leaving and stepping away from the argument.
Your not alone she wasn't my wife but I've I think My story is the same 7 years though
I think I may have been with a Covert Narc girlfriend… she always doubted me thought i was cheating and or wasn’t going to stay with her… so after awhile I didn’t feel comfortable having unprotected sex after we lost our baby and it was hard but I wanted too make sure she was going to stop doubting me for no reason and just believe that I love her and see what I am doing for her and her kids I was always there for her and we still could have sex with condoms but she wouldn’t for at least a month and hung it over my head even more after the failed pregnancy.. So then even with condoms it wasn’t something I was jumping for joy to go and do… even though i did because i love her… but she would get so mad saying I don’t love her etc… just wondering what people think about… being told this stuff when all you want is for your partner to not doubt you all the time and be so controlling and worrying even when you try to give them a ton of your time and even live together and you are helping her with her children from a previous relatonship etc. I won’t lie and say we would still do thing’s but sex wasn’t happening as much and I do have guilts about it but I also was being called names, felt controlled for how much time I would talk or hang with her vs my friends or family and sometimes even her own kids…. this has been really tough I love her very much and dont understand this stuff. I guess the question is also among other things is was I wrong to feel the way I did about sex and the relationship when I just wanted her to trust me and not grill me so much sorry for the huge question and what seems to be rambling also a back story to the whole thing as well…. as the state of my situation now…. down below I feel like I was always told if you really love me you'll have a child if you really love me you'll live with me if you really love me you marry me i did 2 out of the 3 but we lost the baby and I wanted her to stop doubting me so I didn't want to do unprotected anymore and it just didn't go well all I wanted was to be trusted and not doubted is that so bad It's almost like nothing I did helping with the kids everything just it for what ever reason never showed enough love or gave enough time even tho I felt like 90ish percent of my life was devoted to her and her children its so hard and sad :/ And I forgave her for a lot of stupid things that she would do you would do I won't say that I caught her cheating much, but i bet most would say what she did and has done was cheating... but she did talk to some guy online one time and then just recently when we were having difficulties and she was moving into her own place and I was possibly going to at least stay there and try to keep working on it I ended up finding messages from another guy from work this is 3 years after the other person even though that person was only online and then she ended up keeping talking to this guy while lying to me about it And then eventually we had an argument and she did the whole break up with me thing but then still wanted to work on things and still loved me and then eventually told me she slept with the other guy and then we're still talking to me so this has been super hard I could go on and on about what happened and I'm not trying to place blame all I wanted was for her to trust me and believe in my integrity I'm a person of my word I don't lie I don't cheat and I love with all my heart and I just don't understand how she could be this way and I wasn't scared of commitment I wasn't scared of marriage or child I just wanted the person I was with to believe I only wanted them and didn't want anyone else regardless of those things because I believe that it should be I was not going anywhere I was there for her and the kids 120% or so I thought. and I know I'm not perfect and I was and am always willing to work on things so that's what makes it hard too. One thing I always say or try to say to her was you want marriage, a baby, a dog, but I always told her you want all those things but when do you just want me. Because those things are beautiful and great to create with somebody but they shouldn't be the only thing you're with somebody for, because you want them and their attention to be with them and near them not just because of things you can get from them. I know my dad living with us wasn't easy sometimes either but I don't think it had a huge impact on all the things she always worried about if i was cheating or not going to be with her for ever and of course now I seem to be discarded. I do beat myself up and think did I not do enough should I have married or sooner should I have had child did I not give her enough attention that I hang out with my friends too much or be on the phone too much with them or did I play video games once in a while too much I felt like I always cater to her needs laid by her as much as she needed me I just wanted a little time with my friends here and there I barely even left the house when it came to doing that kind of stuff most of my friends are far away because they moved but I would play on the computer but I would try to only do it when she goes to sleep I don't know she has me 2nd guessing for sure the stuff is really hard especially when you're attached to her children 7 year relationship Anyways thanks God bless
@@MyShapeofmyHeart preoccupation with cheating usually means that person is cheating. seen it over and over again with friends, my parents, and my own relationships. supporting a relationship along with that person's children is no easy task. trust is the foundation of any relationship. without that, it's as good as done. don't let some "anchor baby" influence your logic. you know what's up. save yourself
Same experience exactly with addition of accusations of cheating, messaging other woman and staring at other woman. It was so difficult not to trigger her.
Can you do a video for the FP...being on the receiving end of a bpd person. How to handle the bpd. It's super scary.
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I'm his platonic favourite person, the sounding board, his emotional stability provider. The drama is getting to be a long story. I'm glad I'm seperated by distance, but that could change when he decides to change his present situation.
During your video - it’s just clicks in my mind how it is really been all the time, your channel is the best on YT regarding BPD
Thank you
Hi Lise, are you able to do a video on female covert narcissists and the relationship with MIL's.......please🙏.
Our family has slowly dissintergrated over the last few years as she slowly cunningly ramped up the pressure! The videos we've so far watched is like you personally know my son and his wife. It's gotten to the point where I've had to say NO MORE! A little granddaughter is involved now and it's a heartbreaking situation to have to confront!
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation… here is a link to a video on this topic: ruclips.net/video/WTW9aVdwbSk/видео.html
Just wanted to say thank you so much, I'm completely trapped in a relationship with someone who has BPD and it's destroying me
Probably going to leave them, there's no hope
As someone with BPD, this video is spot on in accuracy with what goes in in our mind with our favorite person. If I had the capability to become aromatic, I would do it in a heartbeat! Having an obsession for our Favorite Person is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and just horrible for our mental health overall. My favorite person has the ability to make or break my day; I feel absolutely powerless. The best way I can describe what happens when we initially attach to said FP, is it is like we spent all our lives looking and hoping for this ideal romantic partner. We’ve been treated lousy, abandoned, used, deceived, and abused by others. Even when I am no longer in these relationships anymore and my overall situation improves, I still remain on guard. I hope though that someday I will meet that special person who will be a turning point in my life. This is someone who won’t ever hurt me and will live me the way I need to be loved. Once I *think* I’ve met such person, it is game over. At that point, I feel like every bad relationship, hardship, etc that I experienced before no longer matters. This person feels like my savior and in my situations, this has always been a romantic partner. Once in a relationship, I try my best to be the perfect girlfriend. If he is upset, I cheer him up by telling him how amazing he is. If he has to work late, I’d cook and clean up so he could just relax. I’m bed, I went above and beyond to please him. I felt like my existence was to please him and make sure I do *nothing* or say anything that could possibly jeopardize the relationship. Every single day I’d think of what I can do to make him more happy, even at the expense of my own needs. I would even refresh Facebook messenger I don’t know how many times to see if there was a green dot next to his profile. It was very exhausting! I am working in myself a lot and trying to overcome this. I have a ways to go.
Really great information, thank you.
Ive learned my leason. No more helping or fixing😮😮😮😮😮
I appreciate the videos that are tailored more for men struggling with the pain of having been in a relationship with a woman who most likely unbeknownst to her has untreated bpd
Never forgetting something she saw as my fault, everything black and white, love bombing and then criticizing, possessive and controlling, always wanting more, jealous, almost to the point of stalking, asking where I went, who I went with, what we did, what I ate, calling me secretive if I don't share everything. Saying " I just wish I was number one with someone" - all of this and more. Even coming on the same cruise that my hubby and I planned with my best friend and her husband so "we can all have fun together." without telling me ahead of time. Always asking are you upset with me? What's wrong, you're so quiet. Emailing HUGE emails daily, texting, asking to do things together. I am exhausted and feel suffocated and when the resentment started I knew I had to set better boundaries. Now it's tears and begging for "compromise" and hurt feelings and anger which she never admits she has. I know I have to stick to the boundaries but I feel so mean when she cries. It's hard...
thank you so much for this. Finally getting my answers
Been together for 13 years have a 12 year old child.. a business... a mortgage and a wife that I believe has BPD. It's been one big roller coaster ride to the point that I'm physically sick from stress and not able to do this anymore. It's so sad my wife's such a beautiful person... she has amazing energy animals love her they can't get enough of her.... people can't get enough of her..... The monster comes out and watch out she would throw me underneath the bus in a minute ...because she's thinking that I'm spying on her... hacking her ..cheating on her ...whatever else you can think of that would be negative... when in fact I'm just loving her!.... It's hard to accept and wrap my mind around it .....because I never experienced anyone with any type of mental issues to the point where it would destroy a relationship I kept hanging on thiking I could not change her. Instead I'm just another statistic favorite person.Its so hard on family and my biggest worry was splitting up with my wife and causing my kid to have a traumatic experience and becoming the same thing.
I don’t suppose she would be open to therapy? DBT is a treatment for BPD that shows positive results and outcomes.
It would be a stretch.... I can't even get her to go to the medical doctor.... she's worried they're going to do something other than what they supposed to do, of course I'm just trying to make her think she's crazy so I can get away with my stuff i'm trying to pull all the time.🙄@@LiseLeblanc
I was wondering narcissism but I think I know now. Possibly NPD in there too with her.
What i found interesting about the last person i was with who had BPD was the fact they made ao many " assumptions contray to the hard evidence ". I learned in the army, never make assumptions, their almost always wrong. Assume nothing! They actually taught that in basic training. So i was amazed at the amount of assumptions this person made and believed those asumptions in the face of truth. I mean, i loved her. It was like she was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship daily. She was like the 3rd one id dealt with. It lasted 2 months. In a fit of rage, she blamed me for all her problems and called me an obscene name. Then she hung up. I was already walking on egg shells. I just blocked her everywhere on my phone ( she lived in another city ) then i moved on. Even in that short amount of time, i was trama bonded. If anyone who's gone through this is having second thoughts, DON'T! it does not get better. It boils down to " what SHOULD i do and what i wanna do! ". Its tough and hard to leave them behind, but you have to do the " SHOULD do." To easy.
Putting myself on a pedestal for once.
Thanks, Lisa.
100% my x partner. So wild have accurate you described her. I used to lay there thinking all these things and her actions. I didn’t know what it was until we broke up and had to know what was I dealing with and here we are. Thank you for the information
hey i also had an ex that was exactly like this and i have a hard time moving on from that, do you have any tips?
@@XMoCoGuX the only thing that works is NO CONTACT. It’s so tough but I realise it’s the only thing that really works. Everything else prolongs the pain. I’m sorry I don’t have a better solution.
@@Paulroach6 yeah i do guess i haven't done that, she cut contact with everyone we knew, so i felt an obligation to talk to her.
@@XMoCoGuX noooooo a reply will only hurt you. Trust me. They seek any form of attention be bad or good. And in all of that it’s only you that gets hurt I’m sorry to say. No contact sounds so painful and yes I’m in the midst of it but I deep down know it’s the only way to get through this in the best way possible because there is no easy way. There’s only the right way. And that my friend is NO CONTACT. You’ll thank me in a couple months if you do this. As each day I’m thanking myself for staying strong. Plus if you want to help them then No Contact helps them get on with their life which is a selfless act in itself.
@@Paulroach6 yeah well for the past days i have been trying to not get into contact already and I'm doing ok with that but everytime i try to go to sleep i just fall into this cycles of thoughts about what has happened, i got no idea why. Do you feel the same? Or are you trying some sort of way that negates that?
My babies mom has BPD, it’s awful!!! She bounces back and forth between me being her favorite person, and other men. Meanwhile she’s left me to raise our 18 month daughter alone, while she drinks.
Being the favourite person of a BPD sibling is challenging, especially as they are a single parent with a child and so walking away is not really an option.
Yep going through that depression...
Could do with a little help,so anything about fp relationships would be welcomed, so I don't keep repeating these mistakes plz
I hate to admit it but I think I have undergone some of this in the aftermath of my partner questioning our relationship, returning with new interest but being more closed off than before. A lot of it is trust that we are trying to reestablish but I find my mind constantly bothering me thinking she's going to choose someone else and follow through next time, or that I'm going to screw up and she'll leave. Is there a way to cope with this effectively and diplomatically try to get her to open up without her shutting down and my thoughts and worries driving me mad?
I had the same thing happen to me. I snooped on her phone and she was talking to a bunch of guys. She had been talking to some other guy from the beginning of our relationship.
Just got out of a friendship with someone with what I believe is undiagnosed BPD (I'm a clinical therapist and can't diagnose this person as I could never be unbiased, but it looks like this is what was happening)where I was the favorite person.. They split and I just... will not stand for someone painting me into some sort of villain or as someone who is obsessed with the BPD person. It became a little scary when they finally got the courage to "dump" me. They, I believe, projected onto me, all of behaviors I worry they may engage in (trespassing, showing up at places where they know I'll be. etc.). They pre-emptively accused me of wanting to engage in these behaviors. All I did was respond to their break up text with, "I agree, the friendship no longer works, I admire the courage it takes to speak to that and 100% align with you in that it is time to move on from the friendship. I wish you all the best." I received a bonkers email listing the things and places I am "not allowed to do" and I just.. blocked blocked blocked. There are no words to express how relieved I am for having this person out of my life... while in the friendship/living as housemates, I was unable to see the forest through the trees. Now, being out of it, my overall wellness has shot through the roof. I'm grateful to feel free and will be mindful of not allowing this person back into my life in any capacity.
Lisa i have bpd. Im 100% certain my favorite person has NPD.. I love him so much.. We have been in each others lives for 6 years.. I see the good in him.. But he treats me like garbage sometimes.. I know im intense.. I just dont know i cant let him go
I stumbled upon these videos initially trying to confirm whether I was dealing with a female Narc or a female BPD…instead I found that I have BPD and she’s my Favorite Person!😮😅😂 How cool is that. I at least have greater clarity as to what I’ve been putting her through. Wonder if we both have BPD, now? 🤔
I almost managed to break away from my bpd gf of 2 years. I made it 2 weeks until her friends and family members started bombarding me telling me I was destroying her and heartless and needed to talk to her. So i reached out to her and got pulled right back in. Now she’s completely taken on the victim role and I find myself bending over backwards to make her feel better. Consuming all my time and energy, when i left for that very same reason. It’s absolutely insane how another person can completely hollow you out of life force. I know it’s ultimately my fault for reaching out again. It all just makes me sick.
Get out. Get out now. You can do it.
First of all, you need to let go of fault. This is a very tricky situation and you were being a compassionate human being. Secondly, as someone who has BPD and has had a favourite person, I can honestly say things will not change unless she gets intense help and is willing to see her toxicity and truly want to get help for it. While I was in the FP relationships I couldn’t acknowledge or change. It took the person leaving for me to finally realize that this is a pattern for me and one that I just didn’t want to keep repeating. I do not blame my FP for leaving, and in fact, I once thanked her for it because I would never have gotten the help I need otherwise. So, although I have a lot of empathy for your gf, I believe you ultimately need to do what is best for you. Don’t stay in the relationship hoping and expecting her to change because she won’t.
@@amandagagne4916 thank you for sharing all that info. I appreciate it. When I broke things off she stopped eating, her family said she left town and went out on a bender and said I put her in an dark place that she tried to leave behind. Told
Me how guys were hitting on her at the bar. Told me I’m manipulative. I was doing so well for a couple weeks until her family started begging me to reach out of her because they were scared for her safety in that mental state. I do love her and want her to be safe and happy, so I reached out. She devalues me at least once every month or two, and breaks up with me, then begs me to take her back. I’m waiting for that to happen and I’m going to take that opportunity to leave. I just can’t do it right now, she would probably kill her self. All I know is after I get out of this I’ll probably never ever want to date again. It’s going to take a very long time to feel human again. Thank you again for sharing your story and info. I’m going to re read it a few times to commit it to memory.
@@ghostcircuitry I just want to challenge one thing you said - YOU did not put her in a dark place. It is our illness that does that. You really have to remember that and not take on any blame. From what I hear, you have truly been empathetic and tried to make it work. And you love her. This is very complicated and I truly am sorry for the position you are in right now. This is a very difficult step to take when you truly do care for the person. And in actual fact no one else is truly in your shoes and can tell you what to do. That’s a decision you need to come to on your own. My only advice is to truly reflect on what is best for you. Borderline relationships are difficult. And the FP relationship even more so. I am wishing you all the best of luck as you navigate this.
Do not subject children to her behavior. Meaning, don't marry her if you want children. For the children... Not you.. not her ..
I avoid the emotional outbursts with my new favorite person because I've come to realize the problem is me. If i constantly second guess people, they WILL leave. If I stop assuming, and take a step back before sending a manipulative plz validate me text, I will look back and see no *evidence* to make mr think they will abandon me or are upset with me. It typically happens during the absence of communication. I have to remember its ok to go a few weeks or months without, if nothing has been said, nothing has changed, its that simple. If they are upset with me and they don't say anything, thats on them, not on me. It hurts and its a struggle but i want healthy relationships for the first time in my life. For those with BPD just asking someone directly if everything is cool works the best. Remain as neutral or positive as you can. You have to truly listen though. No oh you don't love me you'll leave me like the rest blah blah bs i know goes through our minds, just ask as simply and direct as you can and ACCEPT THE ANSWER! don't argue! Yes! You can be loved too!! Its unbelieveable right? You might as well take it, its what we all want after all Lol
If someone with BPD thinks a normal person is mean wait till they get with a narcissist that cheats all the time.
Thank you, Lise, for another excellent video. I seem to be a magnet for this type of person. What is the best / most effective way to back away from a relationship with a BPD person?
Thank you for sharing this with us, I appreciate you! Are you on TikTok?
You’re very welcome! I’m not on TikTok anymore, but I may start up again in the new year😊
This is why I gray rock my ex-wife. She often interprets the neutral expression as as me being angry or upset, but in reality I just don't want to give her any fuel for her next rampage. It seems like every time I get split black it gets easier for her to split me again, so I play it safe. The tactic actually works super well and keeps the peace so we can co-parent.
From my understanding, the favorite person phenomenon also occurs in autism/aspergers but due to different factors and reasons
Really?
Can you please make a video on why BPD women are so attractive? What makes them magnetic to others
We've been reading people constantly, for most of our lives. We manufacture the magnet with manipulation..
I guess I just love bomb...? Hate to use these terms, as it makes it sound all-the-more intentional.
We listen and watch, then we give people the thing they want/need/lack...and, sometimes, in very large doses...
It can feel like we're the missing puzzle piece.
@@amandarattray2845 thank you i
Codependency
I have in my appartment bldg 20 people out of 200. And I will ignore these people like the plague.
They have abandoned themselves.
Yet I want NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM...I'M SORRY THEY LIVE LIKE THIS... I'VE BEEN THERE,DONE THAT. I TREAT THEM LIKE I DID BEFORE I MET THEM...NOT AT ALL. 😠
Can a BPDs “favorite person” be their LEAST favorite person? Like an enemy they mirror for example. The BPD claims to hate this person, despises them, yet copies this person. I think it’s an envy situation but why would a BPD mirror someone they hate? So can an enemy be the fave person?
"I hate you don't leave me" comes to mind!
As a securely attached, I have been in two relationships with BPD men.. Never again..Jealousy, mood swings, accusations of cheating, while being constantly pulled into the drama unstable behaviors and chaos... Extremely difficult for me. Boundaries were always tested which created arguments and more choas, arguments and trauma. ....Had to go no contact with both at the end of each of those relationships...I would rather be single . Videos like these are so important to teach us how to spot the behaviours of BPD before the relationship becomes too deep. Thank you for being there for so many.
When a person with borderline personality disorder also has strong narcissistic traits at the end of a relationship, if they are the one to leave, will they behave like a narcissist? That is, could they come back? After several months? Greetings from Italy
It kind of sounds like what an assassin does when they're casing a new hit victim.
This kind of person is very, very dangerous. They seem to personify the dangerous aspects of impulse in a human being gone completely wrong.
Turning them into a living human time bomb. Tick tock tick tock..
Like a 4-5 year old. Sounds like a nightmare to live in that state. I got that from my ex. I feel bad for the people that have to live with this disorder. I never knew what personality disorder was. I realized at a young age that if i wanted something I was going to have to achieve it, if i had to work hard for it then so be it. If i tried and couldn't achieve the thing i wanted , well then i knew at least i gave it my best shot. I never attached or depended on anybody to get my needs met. But i understand the seriousness of the disorder. It's tragic. Life is a tough game man it really is. That's why you have to live within certain boundaries and discipline.
It sounds like you have childhood trauma.
@@kaonashi636 Take a break Bianca, you don’t have to be right all the time.
@@kaonashi636 you sound like childhood trauma😅
I was the favorite person in a bdp relationship. Literally all she had was family as friends. She would call me a favorite person too. I had to call the cops on her, she would break in my house, and distort realities, even when those realities are on security cam. It was a nightmare but she found out my weaknesses early and then threw them at me before discarding. Crazy crazy.
My BPD ex asked me early on in the relationshit "what is your biggest fault?" and "what is your biggest weakness?" I was surprised, but at the time I just thought she was curious about me, that's all- was I wrong!
I may not be BPD, but you're still my favorite person. 😏
this made me smile 😂
My husband is my favorite person and I'm his favorite person. When it's toxic...it's toxic but when it's good , it's goooood...❤
7 min of the video - I am BPD. I have fp. I sentz this to my fp.... so explanation is I am a monster
She wanted us to go out on dates more…she would start fights about random shit during the week and we’d never get to do things because we’d be making up or arguing…I ended up being toxic myself by staying even after the first split she had. I stayed 2 yrs trying to make her understand we need a break from her shit first us to build intimacy. My spider sense kept telling me everything she said to me or felt about me was only as good as how she felt in that moment and I probably hurt her more than I wanted to by often being dismissive after the 125 micro-break up in the space of the first year…I’m not perfect and I have my own traumas and flaws but she made me feel like I was the worst person in the world because she wouldn’t respect my space in fights and I’d yell and call out her mental illness and how toxic she was…she turned me so cold and uncaring and yet all I wanted was to love and her and have normal conversations and interactions without hostilities…I was so fed up…she finally found someone else after one of our push pull and now he’s the perfect guy that I wasn’t. 😂 these people are nuts…If I never have to yell at another human being to leave me alone at the top of my lungs again it’ll be perfect…
Are there any specific strategies that one can use in these situations?
This explains a former friend exactly. Male, interestingly enough.
He threatened to kill me because he assumed I was conspiring to take his FP. He also uses cocaine so that could be it. Idk.
Joe?? Joe Baumgart?? OMG dude so good to see you. 🤯🔫 SIKE!!! Former huh??
I was an NPD/BPD's favorite person. She "jokingly" suggested on at least two occasions that we get married: "We spend so much time together. Why don't we just get married?!?" The only problem was I'm gayer than Rock Hudson. She was that desperate to hook a husband/protector.
This is my son and was my late brother I'm exhausted
Imagine my surprise being diagnosed BPD and all over cluster B. Just dropped my bromance. Crushed a narc gf to whom I gave a love of 1000 universes. She is a predator so no guilt there.
💯 exactly right😢
btw. SOUND LIKE EVERY WOMEN IN LOVE. What is the difference? Anyone tell me please?
Many women are doing the things yousay Lisa when they are fascinated by me. So are they all BPDS? or women?
Mirror, mirror on the wall...
@@oscaranka4278 Yes, so what do you see in the mirror? Me? Why?
This is not love.
@@urdeadremote love and trauma bond has the same qualities, there is no differencnce. But it is not political correct to say it loud. It is enough to say, oh trauma bond is not love, ignoring all the characteristics and it`s done.
I don’t see why we try to date anybody anymore. Everybody’s got some kind of goddamn disorder.
Lise, have you ever seen the Clint Eastwood movie Play Misty for Me? If you're looking for a movie to rent, watch that one.
I just can't watch Play Misty for me! Too many triggers and bad memories. The actress with BPD even looks scarily like my BPD ex!
@@Happy-Me. Your ex must've been a knockout because Jessica Walter certainly was! I befriended a guy and, in retrospect, I see that he would probably be diagnosed with BPD and I was probably his favorite person. I specified that movie because it reminded of this guy. He wasn't gay. He was happily married to a woman (or as happily married as someone with BPD can be, at least) but he acted like a needy girlfriend. He acted as if he thought we were a couple and that we had to do things jointly. Remember the scene where Jessica Walter's character took it upon herself to start organizing the guy's refrigerator? That's how this guy was--trying to tidy up certain areas of my life without being asked to do so. It was really weird. He wanted me to spend all my free time with him, he behaved as if he thought I was his property and every time I turned around, he was trying to insert himself into some area of my life. I couldn't wait to be rid of him.
@@meatwad1 Yes she was physically beautiful and would do anything for me. Sadly, as we know, once you trigger their fear of rejection and/or abandonment the relationship is over but as a favourite person they will never stop pining for you.
@@Happy-Me. I had always found it really hard to tolerate my former friend's neediness, but he seemed like a good guy, so I thought I would try to make him understand that I was extremely independent compared to most other people and that we could be friends if he gave me plenty of space but ONLY if he gave me plenty of space. I'm a dismissive avoidant to the core. My mother died when I was a baby. I was raised by my maternal grandmother who allowed several of my aunts, uncles and cousins to bully me throughout my childhood. And my father was a mean drunk who wanted nothing to do with me or my older brother. So I grew up seeing I couldn't rely on others--not even the people who were supposed to be closest to me.
When my grandmother died, I lived with just my father. He spent all his free time in bars and allowed me to come and go as I pleased. I didn't have a curfew. I was allowed to come home whenever I liked. I basically spent most of my time alone and without parental supervision since I was 12. I haven't answered to anyone since I was 12. I've kept my own counsel since I was 12 (and even younger) and I've made all of my own decisions since I was 12 and by the time I was 18, I wouldn't have it any other way. Then when I was 27 years of age, I befriended this weird, apparently BPD guy who spent every minute trying to control me and treating me like I was his property, one of his children and his spouse. I kept trying to tell him that this wasn't going to work but he just wouldn't hear it. The last thing I wanted or needed was a parent or some guy who thought he was my wife and he found out the hard way that I wasn't going to put up with it indefinitely.
You described my wife perfectly. She's a narcissist, also a closet alcoholic. But the BPD traits are more in line as of the past two years or more.
Sounds like you’re in a very rough situation
@@LiseLeblanc indeed. The information on channels like yours have helped me tremendously. I at least know what I'm dealing with but it's still very hard.
@Egalitarian917 That's horrible. I hope you're in a better situation today.
My divorce was final late last year. It took all my strength but it was the only option. She's even worse today from what I hear. They never learn or change.
Can a person with BPD have more than one favorite person? For example a parent and a new friend?
Yes this is definitely possible
Not a single video when borderlines leave their favourite person "for their own good". I am that left one and I did her nothing
I would love to hear more about this… if you are willing to share/expand on this, please email me at info@liseleblanc.ca
I wish you answer me this: min 7:36 to 8:20 'are no longer sustainable' It's that due to her or me?
I believe the higher functioning BPD are comorbid with NPD. My ex is diagnosed with BPD and he's a millionaire property developer.