How to Support A Partner With BPD
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- Опубликовано: 30 май 2024
- I get questions all the time from men who want to know how they can respond better to their BPD partner’s behaviour, how they can learn to manage themselves through the ups and downs, and what they can do to support her better. In this video, I am providing 10 do's and don'ts to help you better manage yourself and your relationship with a borderline partner. Please keep in mind that if your partner is not willing to accept the diagnosis or receive treatment, or if you are dealing with psychopathy, narcissism, or antisocial personality disorder rather than borderline personality disorder, the prognosis is very poor.
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About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. All content is for general information purposes only and does not replace a mental health care of consultation with a health professional.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
Introduction (0:00)
1: BPD is an Illness (1:44)
2: Emotional Dysregulation (2:45)
3: Notice Your Dysregulation (5:25)
4: They Will Misperceive (6:45)
5: Leaving the Situation (8:02)
6: Modify the Environment (8:50)
7: Lifestyle Changes (9:18)
8: Positive Routines (9:38)
9: DBT (10:22)
10: Your Needs (10:35)
What NOT To Do (11:21)
#BPD #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder
People who are here for their girlfriends/boyfriends ↙️
I am here not for but due to my ex-girlfriend - just to say: BPD - can’t recommend.
my girl has BPD, 3 months since our relationship started, Its so hard. Maybe I can be strong
@@Banidow If you’re gonna be doing it - my advice is - don’t take it upon you to be strong. Nobody can sustain that in the long run. I’d focus on carving out a headspace and a physical space for yourself that CAN be sustained long term.
This space cannot depend on her. She is the reason you have to make it. It’s on you to make and preserve it for yourself.
It’s not romantic to burn up in the atmosphere betting everything on being able to be indefintiely extra. It’s just burning up and burning out and that’s loving neither yourself nor her.
As for her stuff - you can’t get sucked in and follow her through all the ups and downs. They are not really going to suddenly even out and end. You can’t allow yourself to become part of a narrative where you are somehow part of the reason for those ups and downs.
And that’s where the rubber hits the road - can you successfully create a way to pull back, mentally or physically, during the bad patches - to where you are not being drained, and where you may be filled up by other things?
If you do and it releases the whirlwind every time you try you’re in the BPD double-bind at least if you buy into it: You can’t stay and be strong/drained forever - but you can’t leave or everything blows up and you can’t affect the narrative or everything blows up.
Since living in an unresolved double-bind is not sustainable either - the only option is to either leave or somehow create that space, to sometimes leave and not entertain the option of conflict that’s ultimately not about you but about her disorder and her emotions.
If you take nothing else away from this, remember this: It’s not you. It was never you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not the cause of her pain. You are not the image she paints. You are not what she is afraid you may be. You are not all she may make you out to be either. Fixing her, saving her or accommodating her to a destructive degree was never your responsibility. You owe nothing to whatever terms or stories about who you are she may impose on you. It is not you who miss things she sees, she sees things that are not there. Those are both the projection and the micropsychoses. She can see your face. Not what’s behind it. You are free to leave at any moment. You are not responsible for her reactions to you leaving. The problem is not you. It was never hard because of you. You (I will assume) are a normal person with ordinary levels of flaws and positive qualities - she has a severe personality disorder.
I’m here for my boyfriend Now fiancé
@@whynottalklikeapiratthis comment was amazing😭. I don’t even have words besides THANK YOU. I NEEDED TO READ EVERY WORD OF THIS ❤
I have BPD, ADHD and CPTSD.
I'm 68 years old.
My beautiful wife is still with me after 44 years of marriage.
It's through her persistence and research that I have been improving of the years.
Hang in there !
How did she manage to help you Sir?
@@Sun_moon_1111 She never gave up on me, self help books, videos and mental health services.
this is wonderful! my boyfriend has BPD, ADHD and we suspect possibly autism as well, as I was diagnosed with ASD (and ADHD, CPTSD) later in life at 26 + during our relationship, and it’s shining a light on a lot of his behaviors that align with mine.
early on when we met he eventually confided that he had BPD and was worried about how i would feel/react, and while i didn’t know much about the disorder at the time, i IMMEDIATELY started researching on my own so i could understand him & try to find ways to support him.
6yrs on and we’re finally in a stable place living wise (financially ok, which has been a huge stressor for years) and relationship wise, learning about each other and working to heal both our childhood mental wounds. he loves me to death and would bring me the moon if i asked, i don’t see anyone else but him. i hope we have a long happy life together like you folks ❤
That's soo rare and cute 😭😭😭💕 I wish you both the best of the world!
I was in one of these relationships for 5 years and I loved her very much, I even tried some of these tactics. It’s and emotional and psychologically draining experience. I don’t blame her , I could see the pain she was going through daily but as a healthy rational adult I couldn’t do this anymore and ended it a year ago. There will come a point where it’s your mental and emotional wellbeing or theirs. I chose mine and felt guilty for months, I’m still picking up the pieces of what left of my mind and my heart. I loved her more than anyone I have ever loved in my life but honestly in one of these relationships at least for me love just wasn’t enough to sustain this for the long term. Best wishes to all of you trying to make it work you genuinely have my prayers that you succeed where I did not.
Awww
I feel your pain and guilt too of leaving an ex who you loved so much
My ex of 3 years refused to get help for BPD. He thought he was the healthy one in our relationship because he had his own mortgages property and held down a demanding full time job
His sudden flare ups came from nowhere
I spent 2.5 years of our relationship trying to help him... read about his issues and get him to take Therapy
His dad became so angry with me saying that there is nothing wrong with his son and who was I to diagnose his son
This hurt me so much
I loved his son so much
I still do after 3 years apart
Sadly without my ex getting treatment he got worse
I tried my best to ‘fix’ him as I knew he could overcome his sudden black moods and flare ups and instant rage over the slightest thing
I am still in recovery from witnessing this
It broke my heart into little pieces when we separated
@@JaneMay2024 sounds a lot like my situation, I could literally watch my ex blow up because Wendy’s forgot to put extra croutons in her bag for a salad when she asked for extra. I never saw anyone go off the deep end about things the average person wouldn’t think twice about. It’s been a tough year but I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for your reply, hopefully you find someone that appreciates you. Take care.
I feel you all so much
So similar 🥹 I love my ex very very much for years but I guess I’ll have to love her from afar. Sending hugs and healing to you.
I was there, too. I'm sorry my friend. I know how they can strangle a person's mind and never really let go. And they will make more if allowed.
These comments are sad to read. Me and my husband have been married 12 years and are very happy and support each other. BPD is a challenge but not impossible to manage.
Thank you for this comment. My partner and I are young and they were only recently diagnosed, but I love them and would do anything to help, and I know they want to feel better. Reading all of these comments about just running or calling people with BPD monsters makes me so sad, I'm glad there's a little hope.
I’m hoping to marry my partner with BPD. This comment makes me hopeful bc yes most of these comments are discouraging
I am 25, have BPD, and my relationship feels doomed every time I have an episode. These comments only make that feeling worse :/
I think you got a remember. It is a spectrum type thing. Some are worse than others, and it also depends upon the time in their life and other things going on.
It takes 2 to trauma bond. Seems to me that some comments who call other monsters are just unaware of their own unhealed trauma and put all the responsibility of how they feel/ act on the person they chose themselves to have a relationship with. Through an intimate relationship particularly, many of our subconscious thoughts come to the surface and manifest through our emotional reactions. But easier to believe they were not there and got " created" by our partner.
Our daughter has BPD. Shes 22 , Diagnosed about three years ago. It’s been an incredibly difficult time. We do our best and we all , including her brothers struggle with her volatile mood swings. She’s cut us off , ruined friendships, relationships, damaged us , blamed us. , abused drugs , tried to take her own life , but we love her. It’s unconditional. Shes also got amazing qualities. Shes beautiful, she’s charismatic she can be so outgoing and fun…And I , as a parent and as a person has only just really realized and accepted that this truly is an illness. I’m ashamed to say I never listened or researched enough. I just hope it’s not too late. We love you always Ruby ❤️
It's difficult. You have to possess an ironclad resolve and a nearly immovable strength of character to deal with some of the stuff they throw at you. But, they need us, badly, and make us believe they would die in sadness if we left them. I don't know if that's true or not......I just try to take it day by day...
@@ghostrider2664 true words. good luck on your journey too, my friend…💥
Ma'am,this is a problem for me too because I want people to study what I've got so they know how to manage me but try that for size. It's not them that has to do the work but damn help me help you help us,if I'm worth it to you.
If you listen to all these tips, I hope you realize that keeping this up is impossible. If your bpd partner does not get treatment it will end badly.
💯
Get them into treatment. Have friends and therapists for them and you. Plan for it to be shit for at least two years. Build a team.
@@idiomaxiom your bpd partner needs to become aware that there is a problem. They need to choose to get treatment, you can't get them into treatment. I understand your response, it sounds very codipendent. Find the healing for your self... Don't try to manage an other person. They need to Learn to take ownership of their problem.
@@Fransd1982 My partner chose treatment. It was a non-negotiable before I would agree to date. It still took an army to get to where we are.
@@idiomaxiom you are so naive. sweet.
I was married to someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and it was incredibly challenging. When you're in a relationship with a BPD partner, it's hard to find a moment to reflect on what's happening. I highly recommend anyone in a similar situation to seek counseling for themselves, as there’s little you can do to change them. I spent three years trying to save our marriage, losing my peace in the process. Even though I spoke about our issues with her parents, I never revealed anything to my own family because the situation was beyond acceptable for most people. I held everything in for a year and even resigned from my job. We are now separated, and I finally feel at peace. I hold no grudges and wish everyone a peaceful life.
I found out two years ago at the age of 46 that I have BPD. Six months later I lost my daughter to suicide, I believe she had BPD, my sister committed suicide 6 years ago and I believe she definitely had it. My mother also has it. I wish we all would have known years ago and could have healed together.
things unfold as they do. its not in our power to decide how and when they un-fold. sadly. I could have had a good life. now...i am all that remains...
Take heart! I commend you for your courage to come forward, especially on social media!! I’m very, truly sorry for your losses. I think you can find great purpose in helping others with BPD. Encouraging them to get help for themselves AND help for their family and friends.
As Lise has said, YOU didn’t choose to be this way and you have the potential to help others recognize this awful disorder and get help. Please, in honor and memory of your loved ones, consider being a voice of hope for those affected by BPD. You’ve already shown courage and concern. I believe you can turn your tragedies into saved lives. Give it some thought.
My wife of 14 years has BPD and, based on her behavior, I strongly suspect my dad had it too. In my 63 years, I’ve never taken a breath without a significant person in my life without BPD. It would have been literally “life changing” if I’d met someone, early on, who could have talked me through my relationships with these people.
I feel the same, I wish I had learn things earlier to avoid dramatic events.
But indeed as things unfold and depending on the context it's most of the time impossible to have all the key to understand and it's even harder to act in time.
The best I can do is to wish you the best in you own journey to your well-being, don't be too harsh on yourself it will help a lot.
I’m so sorry for your loss my dear. Hang in there. Good days are yet to come. Sending love, light and prayers. ❤
The most confusing part of this with regard to my bpd ex was how she could control it. She would never have an outburst in front of other people but behind closed doors she turned into a physically abusive grizzly bear. That selective control she had was demoralizing.
No doubt they never fall out hitting themselves or whatever in public. Only behind closed doors do they transform into sadistic Judas jackass's. It is demoralizing. I felt that if you can check that crazy shit around friends etc. But can't around the person who loves and worked there ass off for you. Just my opinion. They ll dim your shine brother if you stay long enough
Out of interest, was she diagnosed?
@@jonathancourtney9561 yes but a while after we divorced
@@AdamVest thanks man, just interested
Interesting so it is controllable ?
I think the hardest thing about BPD is not knowing if I want to be with someone or its my BPD rapidly idealizing and devaluing. Id say always go slow dont rush, esp into intimacy cos intimacy makes it worse
Yeah! This is why bpd want you to be very very deep intimate with her. So she has the leverage :))) Such a great strategy!
@ I think I may be misunderstanding you, there's no leverage by being intimate. I dont personally use leverage on people. Intimacy too quickly just makes me not want to pursue you. I keep people at arms length and have a hard time committing but once I do, I become codependent. we're like rabbits. I can't speak to others with BPD though.
@@exovit6348 I was writing about what bpd/npd would do. And of course you are not aware of it. Not being aware is almost a defintion of personality disorder.
She told me "she wanted to go slow". Which I was okay with. But, she herself acted incredible fast with intimacy then pulled back.
I think I'm going slow, have every intention to !
Ehhh.. its been a very very slow painfully slow progression to slowness if that makes sense. So far still too fast I guess
If you’re here because you’re dating someone with bpd I suggest you get a journal and write down why is it that you like someone with incredibly abusive and unhealthy tendencies? This type of introspection can save your life.
I can’t remember how many times I had to run out of the house while she was not paying attention. What a f**king horrible experience I had. Can’t believe it is over for me. There is nothing you can do if they don’t want to get help.
Glad you got out ok! It sure is something you have to plan out when you are living with them.
@@YesYouCANPlayGuitar "OK" = no friends, my business almost bankrupt, mental health at an all time low, 60k in debt and worst physical condition I've ever been. But 9 months later, I;m in the best physical shape, paid almost all my debt, my friends came back, business almost saved and my mental health is doing better than ever so I can't be more grateful! It was incredible hard but I know what I need to avoid for the rest of my days. I hope you are well.
@@ionvitan8964 I’m glad to read this believe me I can relate with everything you mentioned here. The best help for a BPD relationship is to leave, even better to not get into one. 💪💯
Truest words, if they don't want to get help, there's nothing we can do. The end is inevitable.
I spent my life not knowing why I felt the way I did.... I would spiral and lose control. I've never been physically abusive or have shown narcissistic traits (although we all have our moments). I've been diagnosed as a "pure" borderline due to my self-awareness. Once I understood that this, along with my ADHD, depression, and anxiety, were all the factors that played roles in how I behave, think, etc I was able to visualize a timeline in my mind and see so many instances throughout my life that I exhibited signs. My diagnoses helped me to understand myself better and with that and treatment I've managed to self regulate more often, become less triggered, etc, and I apologized to those that had been affected by MY words or actions. Self awareness is key!!
I have no words. I say the exact same thing: self-awareness is key! It's kinda crazy how similar our stories are (as far as I can tell from a RUclips comment lmao), I not only have BPD but have been diagnosed ADHD, depression, and anxiety as well. Even before I was in therapy and making major improvements, my own ridiculous amount of self-awareness made me feel like I was even more at fault for my breakdowns because I was like "oh I'm aware of it but I truly, actually, literally cannot do anything to control it on my own." I'm really glad to head another person talk about their experience with growing enough as a person to recognize that YOU messed up too and that YOU have things to apologize for as well. It can be very difficult to have those conversations, but in the end it's freeing beyond words. Self-awareness really is key to wellness when it comes to people with BPD. Another thing I started doing recently is taking a second and apologizing if I end up saying something rude or snippy to someone just because I'm irritated or overstimulated or whatever. It really makes a difference, I've noticed. Best of luck to you and I hope you're doing well! Stay safe out there and remember to eat something today! :)
@DeathOath97 Wow, we definitely have so much in common! I don't believe in coincidences. It's a beautiful thing when someone not only speaks your language but understands the experiences we have within ourselves! I'm the same way where I would internalize everything. I had plenty of BPD moments throughout my entire life. It's almost like I'm in AA and making amends with those I might have hurt by my words or actions due to my BPD. I had no clue why back then. It's definitely freeing, like you said as well. I research and learn and acknowledge in the moment if this is a REAL situation or if I am being triggered, which leads to reading into everything, oftentimes, negative. I've had to learn that I can't take things personally when it comes to how I'm treated by a particular person. They aren't mad at ME. There's a million reasons they may be in a bad mood, but I no longer allow myself to take those things personally. I've talked to a few of my "favorite people" and took accountability for the behavior I displayed due to my warped perception. This BPD, ADHD, Major Depressive, and Generalized Anxiety are beasts that all love to feed off one another, and there's no quick fix. It's a lifelong process, but one we most definitely succeed in doing.
Best of luck to you as well.... come back and comment anytime. It truly feels good talking to someone so similar 🙏🏼❤️ what's funny is that I haven't been eating much lately.... grieving the loss of my mom, my brother passed away March 27,2020, and that left me alone.... my biggest fear in life.... abandonment and loss, and now that's my actual reality. Therapy has been my saving grace, along with my emotional support fur baby Jax, and taking a short leave of absence from teaching so I can manage my emotions and start to understand what my new normal is.
Your comment brightened my day 🫶🏼💙🌻Thank you for taking the time to respond.
The offer still stands to come back to chat here 😅☺️ So many blessings to you and yours 🙏🏼🪬🧿🕉♾️
@@nicolea6601 I want to start off by saying how sorry I am for your loss, it'll be hard for a while and then it'll be a little easier and then a bit more easier still. The pain of losing a loved one, especially two so close to you, can be completely debilitating, so I want to reassure you that you're doing the right thing in taking time to process and disconnect from daily stresses for a bit. I say that cause I know how it can feel like you're just being lazy or unproductive when you take time off to work on yourself, but we can't help anyone if we're not helping ourselves! You'll get through this, you've made it this far and so while you take however long you need to properly grieve, remember that this too shall pass.
@@nicolea6601 Also I couldn't have put it better myself: "They aren't mad at ME. There's a million reasons they may be in a bad mood..." that feels like such a minor thing to realize but it really isn't, it's something that can be life-changing once you realize what's going on! A similar thing I've come to recognize about myself is the little ways I undermine the things I say by adding in the word "just." It felt like such a minor thing to do to say "I wanted to..." instead of "I just wanted to..." but the former has a more confident appeal to it as you're bluntly stating what you want while the addition of "just" diminishes the importance of your request! Think about someone saying "Hey! If you have a minute I want to talk to you about these reports." versus someone saying "Hey! If you have a minute, I just want to talk to you about these reports." the latter has more of a sense of "my request is minor compared to what you have going on" and so I've found by making little changes here and there, regardless of how minor they seem, can lead to some big perspective changes in regards to yourself!
@Indoraan I absolutely LOVE how you just explained that. I'm an English teacher and writer (although not yet published 😅), and I couldn't have worded it better myself. You're so right about the diminished confidence and the verbiage we use that gives it away, even if not initially to ourselves. See what I mean? It's so wonderful conversing with someone who understands the intricacies within this diagnosis and how we beat ourselves up before even entertaining the idea that it has nothing to do with us. As Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" would say...."I request the highest of fives!) 😅🙌🏼
People who came from the tiktok ⬇️
lmao i did. (i’m cooked)
@@funto116fr
me too (im cooked(
i came cuz my ex reposted a video about someone watching this n she has this disorder so i want to treat her the best i can knowing she has it
me tooooo@@Luxxid.onYT1
I have been married to a sufferer for 23 years. Its been quite a ride. Fortunately, I did get some counseling early on and I have weathered the storm. Your videos on this subject are very helpful and I used some of your tips this very day to weather a storm of incidents. I was able to remain calm, almost serene and not get triggered in any way. Thank you.
What was the counselling you got early on exactly?
@@seamon9732 It was supposed to be marriage counseling but the wife refused to go. I went and over the course of the years my counselor helped me to see through the games she was playing like double binding, blame shifting and gas lighting me. She wrote letters to the counselor which he found interesting and gave him grist for explaining things to me. I am sure he had a clue as to what her problems were but he could not diagnose her as she wasn't his client. We did go to another counselor three years later for marriage counseling with a lady who was a psychologist. After a few bloody joint sessions we did individual sessions and this time I got a diagnosis from the psychologist as to what she had seen in my wife which was BPD. Unfortunately my wife quit going so she has never been treated. I did not really understand what BPD was until several months ago (18 years after the diagnosis) that videos like this one started appearing on my RUclips feed. I now know what BPD is and I recognize many of the symptoms in my wife (five for sure). I may not ever get my wife treated but it sure helps me to understand and to feel empathy for her in her suffering. It also allows me to shrug off her attacks.
you sir are a pillar!! I am only starting to figure some of this out now. My gf of 6.5yrs just moved out. Technically we are still together but ..
we have kids together well one & other is my step son(don’t like that term) so now i’ll almost nvr see him, breaks my heart.
I never understood what was happening or really going on, all i knew was she had trauma from her past, I love her now & always thought that reason & logic would kick in at some point, picking & choosing opportunities to try to talk to her which she only viewed as attacks & me trying to start an argument.
I am intrigued by your comments as you seem to be a huge minority here on these comment sections. Obviously you love her very much. Kids?
I’m curious to know more, more specifics I guess. Especially with her not going to counselling? Why do you stay?
Holy crap. She nails it. She always says I’m yelling. When I’m as calm as can be. She is yelling. I walk away and she text me I treat her like crap and isn’t going to take the yelling anymore. Lol. It makes me crazy.
@@garn79 No kids with her, thankfully. I have three from a previous relationship and she has two by different men. Sadly, they are a messed up as she is.
I had a psychotic break at the end of this relationship. I was completely destroyed by it and it’s taken about three years and a great deal of introspection and therapy to gain any kind of normalcy.
Glad to hear you are doing better. It sure does take time!
I know what its like, i hope you're doing better. My ex would boil the kettle and pour it on me. Giving advice that a BPD partner can work out is not only peddling false hope, but places one partner in a dangerous place
I was discarded and left 3 months ago... I am completely broken 💔
@@lorismith2591 you're better off without them, they have no feelings for anyone but themselves... Ieft my BPD 3 years ago and now have the most amazing partner. You're worth far more that what they would ever want to give.
@pusc1f3r thank you... I'm here obsessively looking at his social media. It's so painful knowing he doesn't care. I'm 49 I feel like my time to meet someone who truly loves me has passed me by 💔
I've been in a relationship with a BPD woman - my advice to anyone in a similar situation is to RUN AWAY as if your ass was ON FIRE !
They will drag you down like a drowning person who is panicking ! Save yourself (it's NOT selfish to put your own mental heath first)..
You are amazing. My gf of 6yrs has bpd. I understand every single point you made and have subconciously followed these guidelines even before i knew of the condition bcs i love her so much! She can be pretty emotional at times and soul draining☠...but in some ways she is soooo amazing that she helps me grow, see a different perspective and help in seeing my own flaws even through my egoistical side. I believe if you love someone so much, you can do anything to be with them. She is kind, loyal, selfless and would do anything for me! You gotta be strong af cuz your mind/life is being tested. She is speeding up my growth. I love her so much and ill never let her down, whatever she chooses. That being said, ive set my standards pretty firmly. She cheats or f*cks wit my boundaries im out. Anyway, we only live once so my mission is to make my peoples lives better. Thank you for this vid miss!
I hope I find someone like you. I have been taking help for 6years now but my partner has never been supportive of me. I have earned money with BPD and as a student. I am currently stuck in doing honours in CSE and couldn't graduate, the subject that I loved so much. I have given my partner a place to stay, my whole salary and all my energy for years. He has accompanied me to my psychologists but he has no clue of what medicine I take and recently I have come to know that he has no clue that I have BPD. I never realised that he never ever checked my prescriptions or cared to study on how to help me.
I have proved myself to be calm and collective during critical arguments multiple times but I have noticed that my partner is stressed and ashamed of being with me in official work.
I have had many outbursts in public and now I realised that it was always after my partner had insulted me in public. I have had people telling me that my partner doesn't treat me well even when I was the one screaming and crying.
I always felt guilty because I thought that people were misunderstanding him for my behaviour.
He has been with me for so many years and I feel like he and I, both had a relationship with him. I understood that he's not right for me yesterday when he told me that he really cannot be understanding towards me, like having a decent conversation with what is bothering him about my behaviour.
Once I had a low BP and almost fainted(after a playful fight where he was tickling me and I was laughing so hard), I watched him lay me on bed and being pissed off at me and he turned away from me scrolling on phone without calling out for help, without checking on me or anything.
I had a panic attack watching him do this to me. Then, after a while he turned back to me and apologized for being a jerk. He asked me to forgive him because at least he had the realisation of his selfish act and he fixed it. But the truth is, he had already given me a panic attack that ended in fever. This is just one example of many incidents where he has abandoned me.
A BPD requires a lot of LOVE and care. I couldn't take it anymore when he started to hide things from me like recently he has started speaking to a girl who fancies him. The girl is clear of her intentions and this was bothering me. He can jump ignore her texts but he doesn't. This is a random girl not even from his work. He met her in a seminar where I was not present. He had told that girl that he is in a relationship with me but she is persistent and also has indicated that he can do better. She doesn't even do any more classes from the free seminar anymore. I don't see any point in him contacting her for any reason.
I have told him about my concerns and how much this is bothering me. He kissed me and told me that he was going to ignore her. But to my surprise, they still chat and he hid it from me. When I asked him why he didn't keep his promise, he said that ignoring her will make him look rude and he doesn't want that. I asked him that he could have just told me that right then when we were talking about ignoring her and that he didn't have to hide things and not follow what he promised to do so. He accused me of doubting his character, me being insecure and making a mountain out of a mole.
The thing is, my partner needed money and emotional support and I have given that to him for years now but when it came to me I have received nothing.
If a normal person requires a minimum of care then a BPD requires a lot more. I realised that my triggers are always being stimulated by him. While he's succeeding in career, I am stuck at the same old part time jobs paying for his seminars.
He says that he cannot be considerate towards me because it's too much of a burden. He feels like he's walking on eggshells with me. Sadly, even my counselor asked me to try to stay away from him.
Trust me, your wife loves you a lot. I was looking for a comment like yours to have hope that there is somebody out there who will take care of me just as much as I will of them.
Sorry, I ranted a lot.
Love your self brother
Spoken like a true codependent
So basically we have to enable the BPD partner because it’s not their fault, meanwhile we are losing who we are because of the madness and the projection, denial, inability to be accountable etc… this is emotionally exhausting and I’m not going to enable someone to use me as their punching bag.
Hump and dump my friend. They can be wild in the sack they like it rough. Enjoy
100%
Correct. Ignore morons who advise this.
Good job totally missing the point entirely. It was spelled out in big giant letters and still somehow you failed to get it. Impressive really.
@@h8rmakr772everybody feels differently about this topic, not everyone is willing to go through the process of helping someone with this disorder and thats fine. nobody is obliged to it
Thanks for this video. I tried so hard with my BPD ex; I really did. She just became so distant and so hurtful toward the end, I couldn’t take it anymore. I lost control of my emotions too many times with her.
xD xD xD I would bet she feels you are a narcissits and harmed her. You ruined her life!
So relatable
@ Don't even say that. I know you think it's a joke but for people who have been through it, because of the gaslighting, you never can escape the thought that maybe you are.
I'm sorry for everything you went through. How severe did it get? I'm always curious to know what ranges have been met for others but it's difficult to gauge as individual stories don't see light of day often.
@@jamesdanton9033 Where is the joke?
I think the only sustainable strategy is to not expect anything, to treat her like a sunny day. It's nice, you enjoy it while it lasts. But you also have to be completely fine if she just bails on you, cheats etc. In other words, expect nothing, be prepared for everything.
Very hard to do as you take on the role of being her saviour and trying to regulate her emotions. yet she’ll drop her pants at the drop of a hat with a guy only out for a one nighter! Meanwhile you’ve done something very trivial like go home and they just freak out on you block you and give you the silent treatment.
She grooms you as a candidate for taking on the hero’s role from the beginning so you’re bound to be ultra upset when the relationship inevitably fails. If she’s got any narcissistic traits to her condition then she won’t apologise to you! It’s all your responsibility not hers and that’s a bad sign for any relationship. If you don’t care she’ll just tell her flying monkeys that you were only with her for sex and spin the narrative that you’re the irresponsible cheater not ‘man’ enough to commit to her.
They will cheat. They don’t believe they did it because they dissociate
Dude how tf do people like this exist Jesus I have BPD i could fuckin never my boyfriend is my goddamn male my one and only I could only do as much as I can but damn to betray him would be something that would trigger me beyond belief even just thinking about cheating about him would kill me and make me feel guilty smh idk how people can be so mean
It's impossible
Cheating was the one thing I would not tolerate. So the genius level SLUT can wreck others' lives now.
These types of relationships are exactly what the title depicts…” Survival “… Brutal… uncertain.. Tumultuous..Painful.. Brain damaging… The push and pull and dopamine spikes and crashes… It was the greatest sex I ever had but it along with my compulsive gambling to medicate my loss of the highs has completely left me in ruins… I am walking dead now… I appreciate your videos Lise and all of your subscribers and there comments of there personal experiences…
You are here with us ‘TheCreature’, and this is a good place to be to start living again. It all starts with one step. ❤
@@someonenew9442 No. It is not possible to start living again. You will always remember what has happened. There is no coming back to who you were before.
@ Agreed you will not live again as the person you were in the past, but you can live a good life as a different - and stronger - version of yourself. I’ve gone through over 30 years of horrible, distressing times. I can tell you life can be well lived post narcissistic abuse.
@@someonenew9442 You lost some part of yourself and it will never come back
Hang in there, put all that lost energy back into yourself!
A normal breakup with a non-disordered person can be difficult and emotional but it shouldn’t feel like your sense of self has been shattered. If you choose to tango with a pwBPD prepare to be traumatized.
It may be true that some pwBPD are able to manage their disorder and have functional relationships and if so I wish them the best. In my case she was undiagnosed and refused to meaningfully acknowledge her issues. The longer I stayed in the relationship the worse it got. Suicide threats, gaslighting, devaluation etc. to the point I felt trapped and unable to leave. These relationships resemble Stockholm Syndrome.
Eventually after a decade of being on this roller coaster she met someone else and ditched me like the easiest thing, and then leaned hard into the devaluation phase. It took me years to recover but a lot of time was wasted, and for what? These relationships can scar you for life, taking up much of your time and attention, and leave you scratching your head feeling like “wtf was that!?” So if you choose to date a pwBPD know what you’re getting into.
Let the nice codependent guys have their bpd romance.. c`mon...
True dat
Great way to sum it up …
And yet pwBPD are all over forums and videos like this ACTIVELY shaming people into relationships with them or you're 'ableist'. Any time that I see someone say 'I have BPD, therfore blablabla', I just move on. It actively angers me that they are allowed in healing spaces for survivors. I was shamed into a second relationship with a pwBPD because multiple people in survivor groups dogpiled on me for putting them in the same camp as narcs.
@@DiscordBeing bpds are narcs on spectrum
Just ended a two year relationship with a BPD. My journals are filled with episodes of splitting and breakups. Thank God it's over. Nobody is worth it.
My wife fits this pattern perfectly and I am so grateful for the steps to help when she is dis regulated, like tonight. Thank you Lise.
Steve you need to make sure you are consulting with a divorce attorney now. You need to know this relationship cannot last until they win. Them winning is you losing all hope. Unless you got a support group that calls her out on the BS then you might have a chance. If she has friends telling her she is right to feel this way then you will never win. Talk to an attorney get a plan to protect your future, kids and finances. BPD can’t be cured by those who are being mistreated.
I was on the roller coaster too, start the healing for yourself asap, get out, don't look back!
Definitely get a good attorney! The stress is bad for your physical and mental health.
My fiancé fits this. I'm going to show him this video tonight and talk with him about BPD.
Thank you for being a ray of hope in these dark comments of "get out!".
@@squishy8758 hey
GET OUT
@@johnhammink2716 Yes, that is a possibility. This is a very grey area not black and white. I live for the up times and feel like changing things in the down times.
It would be so much easier if she could accept this. My "emotional shields" just trigger her more. I try not to get baited into arguments, but when I finally respond, that also triggers her.
All of what you're saying has been my life for the last 7 years. It is so hard. One of my mistakes from the beginning is trying not to upset her.
Also trying to rationalize with her. All she does is take pieces and manipulate it to keep up an argument. I came to this video trying to figure out how to break this cycle... But I'm feeling assured that it probably won't work out. I'm on the edge of my own breakdown trying to deal with her.
I had a very similar experience. In the end always be pick your well being.
Dam this hits home. I feel exactly the same as you.
I dated someone borderline for 6 months. I was faced with the same choice as yours: try not upset him. I personally refused to walk on eggshells. I feared losing him but I feared losing myself more. We parted. It hurt but I know I made the right choice. If I may, get back to being yourself. It's paramount
You just described my life 😢 Nearly 20 years of it and 3 amazing kids - presently trying to pick up the shattered pieces of our souls and figuring out how to make something new with them. What a f*#&ed up journey. In the end what I gained was a shitload of life lessons and a psychiatrist.
@@nicoleliddell99 there's no way I can do this for another 10+ years...
Most of what you have described, I've lived through. I usually kept my cool because I never wanted to escalate the situation But, she would see it as a weakness and become abusive.
This is exactly what I am going through right now in my relationship with my BPD partner and this vid is exactly what I need right now, because I have reached my absolute limit......like I can't anymore and I feel trapped, suffocated, angry and hopeless all in one. It's a living nightmare that thanks to this clip I finally have tools to help me......Thank you.....really thank you.
Same
I understand how you feel brother… how are you doing now?
To be honest, my mental state is slipping. I need air.
Checking up on you my friend.
Where have things gone so far? Hope all is good
My partner was severe, but she made a full recovery after i came up with a scheme of home treatment for her neuroses and dementia, which helped her anxiety, which helped her depression, like dominoes. In no time at all she upped and went to see her therapist and this time, came back as a whole person.
I had a huge number of strategies to alleviate her borderline states, these were specific to her and very complicated to explain.
At first, as her anxiety decreased her symptoms seemed to increase - but this was because she had stopped struggling against her emotions. I anticipated this and found it hugely encouraging so that my response to her aggression was overwhelming gratitude! First the therapist fixed her dissociativity, which calmed her down, and then fixed her attachment style. She came home like a new born lamb - playful and cuddly! From then on she was loyal, loving, kind and wise - and highly expressive with her emotions. Eventually the disorder was just a memory - and the memories lost their burden. We had both changed so much!
I assume you are writing a book on the subject.
Please explain what you did....it will help so many people
@@melissamacy2212 all I did really was create a secure background so that the concepts from therapy could take root in her mind. The therapy was CBT/DBT and this enabled the reconnection process, which I was a witness to, stage by stage. I'm not sure how they trigger each stage, but I was intuitively aware that I, as intimate partner, would never be able to trigger the process myself as it demands access to parts of the patients persona that they keep hidden from their partners. I used what I knew from horse whispering to keep her from panicking and to reduce her stress level, and I used entraining to overcome her dementia which had a knock on effect on her neurosis and depression. This is what set the stage for a successful DBT outcome.
@@ghostlight69420 I'm documenting the paranormal aspect - if there's time I might add a chapter on the psychological aspects
I've just ended it. After the initial idealization I've been mostly devalued for the last year. I tried harder and harder to prove love. Was completely loyal and committed but her projections of her own behavior seeking attention and external validation got the best of her, and she never believed I've been faithful. I let her know that i see her true self, her temptations and needs. I understand her, accept her, and love her. But she sees me as a threat. She sees my loving gestures as self serving manipulations, and she isn't choosing me any more. She doesn't value me. So I have decided to leave, while she won't consider it abandonment.
It's been the best and most rewarding love I've ever had, and comparing normal love to the highs in this roller coaster is not fair, and normal love doesn't seem very appealing to me. Nobody ever made me feel so important. I've never had so much passion. I will miss her, and i will miss having the opportunity to improve her life and do wonderful kind things for her. But since she doesn't see it as love, I guess it's just not worth it any more. 😢
Very beautifully and accurately written.
I relate to all of it, right down to tolerating "temptations" if necessary.
I agree that you (we) will never feel anything like that again.
I used to tell her "there's nowhere to go after you" and my life and feelings since then are proving this to be true.
Good luck to you.
I tried. As soon as I asserted my needs and feelings, she split and discarded. I feel lucky to have gotten away with minimal damage/trauma.
I just came out of a relationship with a woman I deeply care about and am attracted to, but I felt showed narcissistic traits which now I think could be borderline following some more education. Previous experiences allowed me to walk into this with eyes open. Yet taking her away for her birthday and coming back that very night to her not feeling as loved or that there was a 'disconnect' over the next few days tipped me over. My heart is broken and we've gone no contact for two weeks, and I'm seeking therapy to talk this out and get validation, but the advice out there from some friends is insane....'give it time', 'you barely know each other', 'move in together'. It's videos like these and comments below that allow me to feel okay about my decision.
Man, I can SO hear you. This "disconnection" thing, right after all things should, for a normal woman, be perfect and secure, is *devastating*. The archetypal "it does not f__cking compute" for any sane person. You did right. There just not time and phsychological reserves to deal with such conditions, 0:43 especially when they don't even know/acknowledge it. Moving on and never again is the only option. We deserve better.
Hang in there! BPD's are experts at sucking you in with love bombing, idealizing and using sex as a weapon (my experience). They will often cut you off as a punishment for not tolerating their bad behavior. It makes no sense to fall on your sword for someone who will spend the rest of their lives torturing you.
That incident with the birthday would have happened again and again, or will if you go back ... You can never be "enough", no matter how hard you try ... Get out early before it gets even harder. Their positive emotions amplify life, like a drug, and you will become addicted to the raving good times. Healthy people will start to seem boring as you are assimilated into their hyper stimulating universe. But the crashes can be unmanageable and harmful to your well being.
This is such amazing information!
Put up an emotional shield during an episode, and remember that it's neither of your fault. That is a hard thing to learn. I have ADHD, so my emotional stability also has issues.
earn, and put in the work 💯
Me and my mrs have somehow managed to survive our relationship for close to 10 years, she has bpd and I am bipolar. On top of that both her and our kid have adhd.
Thanks to our son we have been sober and drugfree since we met.
Stop self medicating helped both of us along, that and our decision to give out kid an upbringing without the traumas we had to deal with.
Can't say it's been easy buy we've survived so far.
HELP!!! She has BPD, and I have bipolar. 2 years in, and things seem to be getting progressively worse, fast. How have you dealt with it all without almost having to prostrate yourself day in and day out?
Thanks so much for sharing godbless your family
Please make a video about how a person with BPD should learn how to support the people around them.
Man oh man your videos are so amazing and helpful. It is crazy how much you are playing out my recent relationship. I’m still SO addicted to her though it hurts.
The worst thing is if their family reinforces their bad behavior. If they don’t want help you need to get a plan to leave and protect yourself from them legally/financially. If you have kids and you stay you are subjecting them to abuse.
I have several BPD's in my family and I have even dated a couple. This was a great video with outstanding advice. I love your channel.
Thanks for this! Just learning about my partners disorder. It is all making sense!
I have to admit this is one of the best channels I've found regarding BPD education; you explain everything so clearly and so honest.
Thank you so much for each new video and the effort made in each before it is uploaded shared with the public.
Educational, and informative. Thank you for putting out quality materials for others to learn from.
After twenty three years with a classic BPD and just discovering what that means, being a sociopath with overlapping narcissistic disorder myself and 15 years older at 76 I’m thinking just continue to care for her as she is which by the way is much better than she was back at the start. Since I have the emotional depth of a puddle her chaos is for the most part above me anyway. Forty seven years ago I got out of maximum where I’d spent nine of eighteen growing up with the world’s worst myself being one of them. Neither of us has ever attracted people able to operate in a normal range of behavior. Honestly it wouldn’t be fair to sucker a non disordered person into a relationship nor likely to last very long either. We’ve got an above average retirement ahead of us. We care for each other more than lifers typically do. What more could you ask for?
That is strangely kinda beautiful
Wow… I guess this is one instance where it’s balanced in an intense kind of way… best to you both… 🤍
You are so brave and humility is extremely appreciated and rarely ever exposed in such a brutally honest and respectful manner to educate the ignorant.
You give me hope. You and I both know that these tips NEVER would work. Two stubborn lovers with broken hearts, childhood trauma, depression, misunderstood mindsets due to life’s circumstances, fear of being alone, abandoned by all whom they’ve ever loved, a history of multiple sexual abuse due to self worth and self esteem loss, at the point of collapse because why live when only you suspect the worst- ALWAYS?
And then, you almost stumble over this anomaly and there is nothing in this universe can or will ever do that could ever prepare you for a series of events, which, once healed to the maximum, is something unable to be articulated. Of course the time between the sheets is mind blowing. The true and pure love that is felt and received is the missing piece to healing. If you feel this love from your partner, discuss with them this feeling and how they have positively impacted you.
Break the cycle
This is for people who can’t escape a relationship with a BPD person. It’s not reasonable to expect the non-BPD person to become sophisticated therapists in order to survive a relationship, not to make it thrive - note most therapists are still clueless about BPD.
Walking on eggshells around an intransigently irrational person who deliberately finds the thing you can’t compromise on to undermine it, such as your relationships with family and friends, is not a recipe for a good relationship.
This helped a lot. Thank you. I’m someone who does have a weak emotional guard so this was very validating and helpful.
When you said "If she's in danger, get help" I noticed the heartfelt compassion and concern in your pause. You truly are an angel Lise. Thank you so much for your work. It didn't work out with my BPD/covert narc in the end - but it wasn't through lack of love or trying. I had to give up as it was just too dangerous and toxic for us both. Your videos helped to educate and save me. Massive hug.
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
I don't know what kind of relationship you had, but that you're saying HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BPD. BPD is simply an amplifier of insecurities. If you don't know how to treat those insecurities, you better end the relationship, but not just put a restraining order. Don't stigmatize people with BPD, they can become toxic just because YOU LET it to be toxic.
@@un.nico.de.lava. : it’s far far more complicated than that. Insecurity is part of it but there’s a whole lot more
@@un.nico.de.lava. apparently, you've never been victimized by the behavior of someone with BPD. Some can be nightmares.
I’m a female and I agree. I have BPD and we hurt a lot of the people we love not intentionally meaning too. Always feeling like your never gonna be wanted or loved and gonna be left can send a rage of hurt through you. Most times we look at things as though our partner tricks us in to believe they were good but weren’t. Knowing someone loves you so much and are supportive one day and different the next makes are heart and brain freak out and it or to think logical like a normal parter without this would do. I’m still learning…
@@EveTrexler87interesting thank you. It's as if you expect someone to act exactly the same every day. Like perfection? What if someone is busy? Tired? Stressed? They cannot be super loving and reassuring all the time. But you take it personally, like a lack of care of something? Not judging one bit btw. Just trying to understand.
...another insightful video Lise. Thankyou so much for sharing your professional wisdom with us, and practical tips on how to navigate BPD.
Really informative and interesting thanks for helping people who genuinely want to help themselves and also support the people supporting the sufferer ❤❤
I kicked mine to the curb after several years of placating and walking on eggshells. After putting her in the friend zone and trying that for a while with no improvement in the results I had to remind her as to why I didn't love her anymore and that our friendship was tenuous at best. After she began to sabotage my other relationships such as with my ex's and threatened to sabotage my relationship with my daughter, I had to ditch that toxic monster. After several months of no contact, she reached out via text, through a number that I didn't recognize. I told her that her past transgressions were enough to convince me that I would be behaving in a sick way if I were to let her back in. She said it was so far in the past and I told her that is where our relationship belongs.
Finally healed after more than 5 months. Doing some therapy, listened hundreds of hours of videos about Borderline. It was pure hell. I truly don't hate her. It's only our fault for believing what they tell us, somehow we don't have self respect and we are being selfish for believing that we are unique, the most beautiful, the most amazing, whatever. So no reason to blame them. All the best !
yeah, for me realization that I wasn’t unique for her was probably the toughest part... 😞
Thanks for all these videos! Really helpful for me!
best line "if they could snap out of it they would" lol thank you for saying that cuz regardless of what is going on that's the reality ........a lot of what you have stated validates why me and my partner think his extremely rational logical mind has been the biggest help to my BPD lol he too dose have moments of disregulation but most the time he's very good at enforcing boindries like we are seprating and yes this has set me off even more and the antaganisitc actions become more pronounced (well can become) over time the habit of doing this has made it become more fammiler and has allowed me to beicme more able to engage in this kinda reaction more often and eazyer to accept it as not a rejection ....... as we all know the petulant side of borderline is fueled in rejection sesativity but a lot of the times the best way in my growth to get better at rejection sesativity in romantic relationships has been to enforce be patient and comeback later and get to a resolution over time we tend to subcotuoisly learn the benefits of things like separation ...... your video was really good
Great channel. Thank you. Walking on eggshells & living in a charade is hell.
No.. c`mon come back to her.. give her one more chance!
@ hell no he shouldn't
@@chocolateprincess2656 why?
Thank you Lisa for your great and to the point videos on these confusing complex issues. Wishing you well and good health.
Excellent. Spot on and practical. Thanks!!
If I would found this video before or searched as hard as I am now, there could have been a slimmer of hope for my previous relationship. This is very insightful because I used to walk on egg shells and I didn't know what the right things to do and what to avoid doing. It's bittersweet now knowing what I know but I hope to pass this on to anyone else experiencing a partner with bpd.
I love your videos. They have been a very good source of information. Without them, my wife and I would not be together today. We have been dealing with a lot of things from both of us. Neither one of us could figure out what the heck was going on when we found your videos. At first it was your Narcissistic videos but we were able to ascertain that neither of us are that. We set out to understand what was going on and sought counseling as we both have had trauma from past relationships (both been cheated on multiple times and abused) and other events. Mine was from the war in Afghanistan and hers was the war In Ukraine. Our psychologist worked with us individually and as a couple and found that we both have BPD. We love each other a lot and we are bound and determined to make our relationship as healthy and happy as possible. It can be difficult on us but as we are now treated and we use tips from here when one of us is dysregulated to help the other.
Thank you so so much for your very informative videos on BPD Lise... I am divorced now almost 4yrs from a 25yr marriage to a 'Covert Narcissist' (only realising/figuring this all out after 300+hrs of my online research after the split... and living in a small farming community in the mountains) and am now in a relationship (much to my surprise and a very long story) with a precious friend that I was so thinking could be narcissistic... oh no, not again! but it didn't sit well with me, so I then started researching BPD... whoah... these videos have been a real gem, thanks. She has told me that she has been watching videos herself about BPD and can tick all 9 boxes... I do trust, by the grace of God, we can work through all this 'stuff' as she is a very special person... thanks again!
Champagne Valley, Drakensberg Mountains, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa
Very good and clear video. Thank you!
So helpful, thank you.
Can you please make videos for female partners of men with BPD?
Agree this is what I need
Yes indeed. There are more men with BPD out there than most people realize.
This is what I need too!
thank you so much for making these videos they make my relationship w/ my bpd partner much more manageable
Really? Keep us updated ;)
Thank you lady for all your help.
thank you! a very much appreciated video ❤️🙏🏾
It’s a long road, for sure. Appreciate your insight on staying calm, and removing yourself from the situation as needed. Starve the negative attention seeking.
I don’t know why I continue to watch these videos, I just want to help him understand and be kind. Makes me feel like a monster. I’m almost certain I’m being abused in my relationship but because of my diagnosis, it’s impossible?? I must be the abuser.
I am a Gestalt therapist and I like your approach and advices a lot. Thank you for all these videos and your insight, which is really helpful
Great video!!! Soooo helpful
It’s friggin brutal. We were actually looking at houses. The day we got back had awesome intimacy. That afternoon she sent me a text about all my issues. So good to watch this video. Got out because I thought I was losing my mind. Just starting to get my self respect back.. it was hard because she was the first 10 I ever dated. So tired of walking on eggshells. Exhausting
Maybe time to re evaluate what you consider a 10 ;)
Nothing will fix them. Just get away and STAY away.
Don't: try to fix them or make them feel better.
Your right even it’s impossible and they will end up getting angry at you because they think u are pointing out a fault in them it’s pointless
Indeed. Then you become the designated pacifier. That regularly gets thrown in the washing machine.
Be yourself. It's either good enough or not. But at least you have no lost your sense of self.
Thanks I sent this to my partner this was extremely useful for the both of us
This is amazing thank you!
I have a close friend whose wife is almost certainly undiagnosed BPD. She checks every symptom and his life is an absolute living hell. The roller coaster he has described to me is enough to drive anyone crazy! My advice after seeing his relationship to anyone in a BPD relationship is to get out. You cannot help them and they will mentally break you.
What a sad opinion. At the day of the day, they are people and comments like this only contribute to what they think about themselves & their life, that they are unwanted and unlovable rejects. We don't cast aside people with clinical depression, anxiety, bipolar etc. with your logic maybe we should because they have tough times as well
@@pjdlol I've seen firsthand the damages done by these types of relationships. Your own mental health has to be a priority.
It's what you have seen but BPD is not our personality, we are all different, also there's different levels, there's severe cases and there's not, it's very different being under diagnosed, than a person under treatment and therapy, @@M--76
Holy crap. She nails it. She always says I’m yelling. When I’m as calm as can be. She is yelling. I walk away and she text me I treat her like crap and isn’t going to take the yelling anymore. Lol. It makes me crazy.
You still with her now?
Lise once again deliver "tools" very much needed when there is a person with BPD in your life that except from this problem, they are not lost cases and they DO have qualities worth fighting for so a guide for the non-problematic half is most essential. And this video hits the spot square on. Thank you Lise, once again you are the go-to guiding light. 😉 Or, rather, the guiding voice. 🙂
Thank you for this video so much!! i love my girlfriend so much but ive been having a hard time understanding her but this video has helped so much i really wanted to understand her because she is a amazing woman and the love of my life dispite her bpd.
Thank you so much, Lisa, for your kind, warm, compassionate explanation of this painful disorder. Some truly wonderful suggestions, awareness, tools, and strategies, to implement as I am Bpd. I'm very grateful to you. 🤗🥰
Just treat you man with compassion! Don’t abuse him
I was just diagnosed with BPD, this video especially the ending hit home for me in a big way........ if you dont have this condition, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, take her advice..... it could save a life
This is an excellent video and very helpful, thank you
I wish I knew this years ago before going through so much grief with my ex. This explains pretty much everything she did and continues to act like. Unfortunately I have to co parent with her but thankfully I'll never get back with her.
I am concerned my son is dating someone with this do you have advice for what you wished someone had pointed out to you before you married your ex?
@@audreymashburn6186 unfortunately there is nothing you can do, if you push him he will turn on you, I did the same with my friends and funny enough a co-worker is going exactly thru the same I did and he is not listening to me like I was doing, I mean I was listening but more people would tell me I need to stop I was more determined to make it work! It's complete insanity. Probably the only thing you can do is to show him all these videos and in time he will confirm this is what happens and that there is no win for him. At least like this he will not move forward but will keep the relationship as it is until eventually it will break down and she will leave. He will suffer but he will definitely learn his lesson. And what I needed to know is that she did this with former partners which SHE WILL NEVER ADMIT, all of her former partners were somehow better. This is a trick they are playing with EVERYONE. If I knew she did this before I would have reconsidered everything and realised there is nothing I can do to change her.
bottom line is.....get a dog. Higher return on your investments.
and in Spain zoophila became legalised!
@ ...dude...
@@lorenzrosenthal119 are you in Spain?
@ no.
Yes or become a compliant little mouse. Never show them you have a difference of opinion or they may take that personally and loose it .
Your videos are so helpful to me. Thank you.
This is best video ever saw on this topic 👏
Protect your Peace ☮ stay calm, neutral and untriggered
Its frustrating, challenging, confusing, overwhelming and difficult for you both. Stay calm, cool and collected to the best of your ability.
I fell in love with a woman with BPD. I'm currently combing through support groups, videos, books, friends' opinions... anything to find answers that will make me a better support system for her. It's been so hard, because I feel like I'm constantly failing her. Her situation is made vastly more complicated by the divorce she's going through, on top of taking care of two young kids. I've tried to be there for her tbrough these things, and tried my best to control myself... every little mistake I make feels like it erases every single bit of foundation I've laid for a healthier relationship. I feel lost, and hopeless, and I'm close to calling it quits despite telling her I would not abandon her... but she's so good at pushing me away and shutting down... and I just don't know how much strength I have left.
You might be interested in this video: 10 Ways to Stop The Toxic Push-Pull Cycle
ruclips.net/video/iYVnRuKqZo8/видео.html
It doesn't get better but it gets easier. Sadly you don't get to grow increasingly more tiresome through each episode you need to try to hold on to how you feel about her now. Remain the support system because (since these arguments happen so often) you can develop bad habits of dealing with them and eventually EVERY incident is bound by to explode. Just some advice from someone who has lasted only 6 months with a bpd
@@elidiakandru7272, I appreciate your reply. Just when I had gathered my strength, she did something I just couldn't live with. I made a half-hearted attempt to recover (and at the wrong time, of course) what we still had and it just didn't work out. Plenty of pain to be had there, but now I'm working with a therapist to recover and repair what I lost or broke, and also to improve on things for myself and another partner in the [probably distant] future.
This advice gives me hope.
Lise, I find your videos extremely valuable. Your content is in-depth, thorough, straightforward, and easily understandable. I wish I'd seen your videos during my own relationship with a woman with BPD. Hers was severe, and definitely combined with other comorbid mental disorders. During our relationship I wound up questioning my grip on reality. In my vain attempts to help her, I eventually chose to fall into a pattern of behavior that resulted in a felony conviction, loss of my professional license, and incarceration in federal prison. This woman died of accidental drug overdose in 2018, but the scars I bear from our time together will stay with me forever. My heart goes out to all BPD sufferers, as it is obviously a living hell at times.
I’m really sorry you went though such a terrible ordeal and that her illness led to overdose. I hope you can find peace and healing
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I hate to say that I definitely made a few of the mistakes listed in the video while I was with my ex gf who definitely had an undiagnosed personality disorder, which presented itself through constant mood swings, thoughts of suicide/self harm, fear of abandonment and emotional manipulation. I think its important to mention that at that time I was recovering from severe depression and an attempted suicide (I'm much better now thanks to lots of treatment). I definitely understood that it wasnt her fault and that her current state of mind was likely due to childhood trauma, but at the end I couldnt take it anymore and decided that breaking up was the best option for both of us. Now we still talk to eachother as friends, but I'm still scarred bc of all the emotional damage.
Amazing insight. Its 7.30 am in the morning and i am training myself to handle an upcoming situation with my gf since mid night. Have done many mistakes which i need to rectify. I hope it will save my sanity. Sometimes i feel like some other spirit has got inside her and all i do is keep quite. That helps but not always.. Wish me good luck. Thanks and regards from India 🙏
Yeah it does feel like a spirit takes control
Good for you for trying.
In you, she has at least one thing going right in her life, even though she may not seem to appreciate it.
@@rayo1883but she can't be one of the things going right in his life...smh
Hi, my name is Matt after listening to this I think my wife has BPD
I’ve noticed similar things
I have never had to deal with this type of illness before
Thank you for the video it helps a lot.
Thanks for the video.
I don’t think its possible to have a long term relationship with someone with BPD. Its too draining and damaging. The partner usually ends up walking away in the end.
I think my ex girlfriend has BPD, she used to abuse me with loads of Whatsapp messages when I left the house, which I put this down to a fear of abandonment.
Then she’d split and call me evil, vile and a horrible person. Thats after she told me how much she “loved” me.
I wonder if people with BPD regret their abusive behaviour?
They regret and 11% commit suicide.
the anger grows from a sense of helplessness, basically all of the abnormal behavior has its roots in fear
If they never regret their behavior, they're probably narcissists.
@@83CarlosI bpd and npd is same disorder. Comorbid in cluster b. Don`t let anyone lie to you it is so much different. And don`t lie to yourself too.
@ Bpd and npd are not the same. The quiet BPD is (typically) not npd. NPD is the alter ego that saves BPD from their guilt. The BPD can apologize and feel bad. Narcissists don't.
People with BPD are soul destroyers. Now I have CPTSD and I thought I was the problem for the longest time… If you’re thinking about dating a girl with BPD, just know she’s probably gonna fuck you up big time and leave you worse off than when you found her. Oh plus they’ll be worse off, my ex is a fucking coked out mess now, and it’s sad.
Update: My dumb ass took her back. What did I get? She threatened suicide twice to where she called the hotline and shit, she came out that she fucked a guy when we were apart (4 months, she said I was the most important guy she’s ever met) I was literally grieving a friends death and the end of a relationship and she’s out getting drunk and getting pounded… then guess when she did when I got mad about her fucking that other guy? She flipped out so much that she was ‘too drunk’ to fucking remember and therefore it was rape… and they fucked twice too… and I have to pretend to go along with it like a moron smfh. This relationship is actually a joke, I wish I could branch tf out and meet people. But honestly im 24 and I wasted 5 years with her, this town is so small… I physically can’t find anyone else here, I’ve tried, everyone my age is with someone, married, has a kid, or both. Im saving money to move faaaar away so hopefully I don’t have to deal with any of this EVER again. So done with ‘BPD’ aka ‘Im a piece of shit disorder’🙄
@@Oamiano don't beat yourself. We live, learn and grow. You're still so young. I'm 45. I'm still learning. Life just feels like a giant theatre building to me now 😅 the main thing I learned is to not take anything very seriously
Thank you great information
I can't stop watching your videos .... they are dead on ...I feel like you are talking about me .... I finally except my diagnosis ...I managaged to cast all my loved ones away .....the last being my #1 ...I am going through a living nightmare about it...
I need to help myself so I can get him back
My mother has some kind of personality disorder; I suspect narcissistic with depression. She always causes drama; there is never peace from her. What ticked me off was when she told me awhile back that never lived with my grandparents as a child from the 3rd grade to the 9th. I questioned my sanity, and had to ask my grandparents if i lived with them at that age. They confirmed that i did indeed reside with them. How can my own mother treat me and my sister like we are crazy when the fact is she is the main issue. I now don’t speak to her for 7 months now because of her drama. She even picks arguments with her own grandchildren. What kind of person is she to do this? And she denies that she has issues; it always have to be someone else. It got so bad that she drove my stepfather back to Connecticut 4x, and this is the longest. I forgave her so much times, only for her to start another argumentative drama. Me and my sister suffered a lot during our childhood because of how she is.
Glad I found your channel, it’s helped me a lot. My BPD partner is now 7 months pregnant and the psychiatrist started her on meds that I believe have her off the rails and it’s caused great havoc and even for my family around the country, I’m stuck & trapped. I feel like my situation is unique, how does one cope?
Yowza..a tuff one...stay strong....and don't take it personal...best I can do💥
You need to have a legal framework to protect yourself. If you care about this kids you need to make sure you end up with them. Co parenting sounds good but they will use this as pretext to be involved in your life. Get orders to not allow them to verbally communicate with you. All communication must be done through text/email. GET OUT NOW! Put yourself in a position of strength so you can save the child.
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY I was very careful not to get her pregnant but I did filmed her behaviour only to make sure I have a chance to keep the child if this was ever the case. In the end it helped me escape as I have reported her abuse to the police she got arrested and removed from the house, this is in the UK, it was hard but NECESARY. 3 months later she met another guy, moved in with him after 5 weeks and now she is pregnant from at least the 4th month so... My heart goes out to this lovely guy who probably is living the best days of his life as this is their first 5 months... incredible.
Also…..get a DNA test. Trust me. It sucks. It’s awkward. But…….do it.
I hear and received everything she said in this vid. I have a husband with this problem and I’m deteriorating with the lashouts and the bpd symptoms. I failed as well with the responses not knowing what BPD entails. I’ve been educating myself after learning of his diagnosis btw. Living with someone with BPD is really a challenge. It’s brutal and to be frank, not really worth staying in something like this if you can help it. They need love but you can’t destroy someone you are trying to get love from as well. Its just an unfortunate problem all the way around.
Ty for your insight , I have been diagnosed with BPD among other comorbidities.
It’s never been easy as hard as I try daily . But what works is having a partner that is accountable for their behavior .
A partner that is willing to see things from the middle and from a place of
Love to create a of solution . I will say that it’s up to the individual to do 90% of the work.
If you don’t see your bpd partner take the steps , get therapy it will not be worth it
If she's smart and self aware enough to realise her flaws and seek help for them, then sure.. support her.. but do so cautiously, as the insanity and illogical outcomes from dating them can absolutely break you...
But man, I'm not even sure it's worth it tbh.. the peaks and dips become truly exhausting, and you meet a completely different person to the one you fell in love with. You have to realise that person doesn't exist, it's just one side of a very complex personality, one unfortunately, always rooted in negativity, given the reason they even developed the condition in the first place. It's literally Jekyll and Hyde, and far too many guys suffer irreparable damage from trying to make something work that should instead be ended, quickly.